The Harland Highway - 960 - Harland gets TAGGED. Too much HURRICANE news. CRAZY eyes!

Episode Date: September 17, 2018

Harland gets TAGGED. Too much HURRICANE news. CRAZY eyes! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hello, Gergel Nurgens and Lady Blurgens, or whatever that means. This is Harland Williams. You are on the Harland Highway podcast. I'm your host, Harland. I think I already said it. What a show we have for you today. I'm going to be talking about something that happened on my property that might have been done by a gang. Wait, do you hear about this? I might have been tagged. I might have been tagged on my property. Wait do you hear about this?

Then we're going to be talking about the hurricane. Of course, that was the big topic over the last week. The mighty hurricane that swept up the East Coast. And even though the geography there was oversaturated with rain, I feel that the coverage on the news was oversaturated. with the damn hurricanes, so we're going to talk about it. And then a crazy news story. Oh, my God.

This is, you ever get something in your eye? Well, way do you hear what got in this woman's eye? You better not be eating or you better have some stomach remedy ready when you hear this story. So get ready. Sit down. Put your helmet on. This is the Harland Highway. I have an announcement to know.

You're about to go down the Harland Highway. Lock the door. I don't want to be a product of my environment. Shut up. I want my environment to be a product of me. You're riding down the Harlan Highway. So, put off the fuck to get off this phone. I can get you off.

Maybe? Maybe not. Maybe fuck yourself. Ha! You're a cantalope. Dygon. Dagon. Dagon. All right, hold tight on the Holland Highway show. I'm ashamed, big daddy. That's why I'm a drunk when I'm drunk, I can stand myself. Keep bleeding on that tutor, Charlie, and you're gonna get a shot in the mouth.

Act like a man! What's about you? I wasn't really sure what was going on. You're listening to Harlan Williams. The rest is bullshit and you know it. Yep, the rest is B. I'll tell you what is B.S. And you know it. How about this?

Yours truly got tagged. Oh, yeah. You know what tagged is, right? When the people show up with the spray paint cans and they decide to do a number on your... Right? They spray paint all over your property. Well, check this out. Okay? I was tagged by the city of Los Angeles. I know you probably thought, oh my God, Harlan lives in a gang neighborhood with vandals and oh my God.

No. The city of Los Angeles, the city of Angels. or if you're into geometry or physics, the city of angles, they tagged my place. Okay? So I guess the Department of Water and Power or somebody, or I don't know who, some secret government agency,

knowing the money we waste on government, there's probably a department of tagging. All right, you guys go out today. You spray blue paper spray paint and you spray red spray paint and, you know, let's go get some buildings. Yeah, don't worry about the taxpayers are paying for it. Why do we do it? It doesn't matter. Just go out and do it.

That's what you're paid for. So here's what happened. You know, I drove home one day. La-da-da, I was at a meeting. Lee-de-de-de-de-de. I drive home and I park my car in front of my garage. I get out of my car. and I look on the ground, and I go, oh, whoops, a daisy.

There's, like, these white, like, slash marks along my driveway. Like, you know the dotted lines on the highway? So there's, there's, like, white dotted lines on my driveway, and I'm like, oh, hello. And it's spray paint right along my drive, a whole bunch of them. and I'm thinking, what the H? What the H, uh, D, uh, D.WP, Department of Water and Power? What the H, DWP?

Driveway white paint. That's what DWP stands for. I just, I just worked that out right now. That worked out perfectly. Driveway white paint, DWP. And these nuts decided, I don't know if they're, they're redoing some piping or they're doing some water stuff or they're going to rip up my driveway.

I don't know what they're doing, but all of a sudden there's like white spray paint on my driveway. I have been tagged by the DWP. And, uh, and I know it's my property because I've had my house surveyed before. I've had actual surveyors come up and plot out and give me a survey map of my property. So I know that it's on my driveway, on my property, but that's not where it ends, no. So I'm a little irate, and I'm thinking, huh, do they have the right to do that? Do they have the right to spray paint on private property?

And it's not chalk, you know, chalk washes away in the rain. This is spray paint. I'd been tagged. Unless Banksy is living in my neighborhood, and he's like, oh, I'd like to really get that Holland Williams bloke. I think I'll, I think all tag is, I'll make some white dots, like, so people think it's a road. It'll be very artistic and edgy. And if you don't know who Banksy is, look it up. He's like the world's most famous tagger.

He's actually quite the artist. But I digress. Let's get back to the DWP driveway white painters. So I'm a little irate. I'm like, oh, this doesn't seem like this is cool. This is private property. I wouldn't walk down to the building of department water and power. And you're so, don't worry, guys.

I just thought I'd tag your building. Okay, so that's not where it in. So I kind of let it go. And I come back the next day. I pull in from another little meeting. I go to a lot of meetings you're starting to figure out. and now there's some

freaking yellow paint all my job like little dots like little circles I'm like what the hell is this and so now I'm like whoa hold on

and then it gets worse I come back the next day freaking red red little little red arrows like high hieroglyphics from the pyramids of Egypt. I'm starting to wonder if there's a sarcophagus buried under my driveway.

Is there a mummy under here? Is King Tutton Commons tomb under my driveway? I'm thinking, what the hell is going on? And then the next day, some blue. I'm not even making this up. Blue paint on my driveway. So now I've got like this. It's like my driveway is like a Sydney Pollock painting.

I've got all these splashes of blue and red and yellow and white. And it's not just in the same spot. Like now they're going up the side of my driveway, across my driveway, up to the side of the garage, up near the retaining wall, under my truck. I have an old pickup truck parked in the driveway. I see a spray under my truck. And now I'm thinking, are there gangs coming up here?

Or there's just the bloods and the crips? Are they spraying my, are they tagging my places? Is my house now gang territory? What the hell's going on? But it is, it's the department. Because then when I went out into the street, when I left my driveway, you can see that they've done it on the road leading up to my house. I'm like, okay, the road, that's public property, that's taxpayer property.

But they don't think they have the right to come and start spray painting all over a nice driveway. I mean, my driveway looks like a bunch of kids were playing hopscotch with chalk out there, man. It's like a schoolyard hopscotch battleground. Now all I need is a bunch of school kids skipping and jumping around. Hopscotch, hopscotch. I mean, holy jumping. That's my driveway, man. Get your spray paint off my driveway.

So now I thought, oh, well, maybe I'll phone the city, right? I'll phone the city and complain. And then I thought about it. I go, how does that work? You call the city, you try to explain it to it. What do you mean? It's on the road, but it's on your driveway. What do you mean?

you did a survey? I don't understand. Can you explain it? Private property? How is it? Your driveway is the department of what? Like, you know, they'll just be scratching their heads and you'll wait on hold for nine hours. So I'm just kind of now, I'm just waiting to see where this adventure goes.

What the hell's going on on my driveway? They obviously did some survey stuff. They mapped it out. They aren't just, they aren't just willy-nill. sprays. I mean, there's obviously probably their markings for some type of work. I don't know. Maybe I'll walk out to my car one morning and there's a new 7-Eleven in my driveway. Do you know? Maybe these are the markings for the new structure they're putting up and didn't ask me about. Your driveway is the perfect place for 7-Eleven. Thank you very much.

No, thank you for the delicious rotating hot. hot dogs every morning. So there you go. A little, little mystified, a little peeved. I feel a little violated. I feel a little taken advantage of. I feel like maybe there was a law broken. I don't think the city can just come and randomly spray paint on your private property,

can they? I don't think so. So I don't know, man. I might just have to go to Home Depot and pick me up some, uh, Some spray paint and head down to the DWP and start spray paint and crap all over their buildings. Maybe I'll spray paint my driveway. You know, I'll get all kinds of spray paint and spray paint a perfect replica of my driveway on their building. Yeah, that's the driveway you marked up, but now it's on your building, you ass wipes.

So anyways, I'll keep you posted where this tagging adventure goes. I guess tag, you're it. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex.

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What's up, Doc? All right. Are we oversaturated with hurricane news? It was another long weekend of rain and hurricane and wind and, you know, it's a scary, frightful thing, and nobody wants to be in the way of a hurricane. but boy to these news outlets just milk it okay and I'm not making light of anyone that's caught in it or got hurt or got their property ruin that's that's horrible

I've been through some hurricanes myself trust me it's scary it's not fun but that doesn't take away from the fact that these news outlets just ride these hurricanes like there's no tomorrow oh my god You turn on the news for the days that the hurricane's in there. You try to find out what's going on in China or in New York or in South America or Russia or here at home or wherever. Good luck. All you get is one reporter after another standing out, knee deep in a puddle on a beach.

Palm tree, fronds blowing in the wind of a piece of. of an awning blowing by a fallen tree you know this this is stuff they could they could you know every five minutes every hour just go here's the here's the latest on the hurricane we get it it's still blowing it's still raining it's still scary so every five minutes show us a little update at the top of the hour five minutes is a long time when it's on screen and go here's what it looks like Here's the classic shot of the truck with water up to the side. Here's the classic shot of the dog swimming through the water. Here's the classic shot of the roof peeling up.

Here's the obligatory shot of the water rushing over the bridge. Here's the shot of the car driving through three feet of water. You know the drill. But instead of doing that every five minutes or even every 30 minutes if you have to. It's the whole hour, the whole freaking hour. Hit the, hit the wind again, Rodge. It's the whole hour of wind and rain and guys in rain jackets with a microphone. It's really windy down here.

It's really backed up, though the waves are really pounding in, Roger. I think we saw a boat float by over there. Oh, my God. We get it, man. Get on with it. yes it's important keep reporting let people know let the country know but good lord it's it's like you ever watch a movie you ever play a movie on on netflix and then as soon as it's done you're like you know what boy that dances with wolves is a good movie let's watch it again right away

and then you watch it again and then at the end of the second one you go you know what that was so good Let's watch it again, and again. And let's watch it for five freaking days, the same movie. Oh, they're so annoying. And they think they're so sharp and they're so on it and they're so like with it. You're not. Whoopie do, okay? Yeah, it's a tragedy.

It's bad. It's hard. It's a hurricane. Okay. When it's done, it's done. And until it's done, it's going to rain. blow and be windy. And then when it's done, you can show the aftermath and it's done.

We repair it and we move on. And what's the difference between a reporter standing in the street in part of the city? Or you cut to the shoreline and there's a reporter standing in the wind there. And then there's a reporter standing by the hotel. And then there's a reporter standing by a fallen tree. Then there's another reporter standing in a parking lot. It's all the same area. It's all the same rain.

It's all the same wind, you idiots. Okay, we're going to go to David now. He's down by the beach. Yeah, it's really windy and rainy down here. Back to you. Okay, now we're going to Kathy over to parking lot. Yeah, it's really windy and rainy here too. Okay, now we're going to go to Michael over at the...

Come on. And it's just, I don't know. Some of these guys... Why are they standing out in this stuff? Why, why, it's, shouldn't that, can't they be liable? Everyone else is fleeing. The government tells 10 million people to get out and the idiotic news teams drive right into the danger.

Do we really need to see them standing in the rain? Is that such a big deal? Oh, there's a guy in the rain blowing. Not only is it not that dramatic, but he looks like a bit of an idiot for doing it. Everyone else left, you retire. Oh, God. And they're just standing there,

and, you know, they say the biggest danger of a hurricane or one of them is the debris that blows around. You've got two by fours that will blow right through car windows. You'll have two by fours that will puncture a brick wall if it has enough force. And aren't these news stations liable for putting their talent out in the middle of a category 3-4 hurricane with, you know, double-digit winds blowing?

Dullo! It's just so senseless and dumb, man. And the other thing is, you know, if you really need information, okay, on the storm and the weather patterns, you can get a more accurate depiction of the storm by going on your computer or your cell phone and following a radar weather map without all the commentary and the drama and the person looking to win the news award.

David Jackson wins this year's news award for standing like an idiot in 90 mile an hour wins. His jacket flapped better than all the other newscasters. Congratulations, David. Where's David? What? He blew to Myrtle Beach. He blew away? Well, when he gets back, give him his award.

I mean, and who are they trying to reach? You know, all these hurricane areas, their power gets blown out. So they're not helping. They're not helping the local residents. You think the local residents are huddled in their homes, watching the news feed? No, they've been evacuated. There's no one there.

And if they are there, if they decided to stay, their power's out. So you're not doing them any sort. service you're not reaching the locals it's just moronic man and meanwhile the rest of the world keeps turning and there's a lot of important news and events happening that we'd like to know about but no show us some more idiots standing in the wind with their with their blazers flapping and their their microphones with a plastic bag on it oh oh oh why don't you go stand in the middle Vietnam during the war.

How about there? There's some danger for you, idiots. And then there was one clip. You can probably see it on YouTube. I saw it on my phone. There was this one newscaster on the weather channel

who was standing like in a parking lot. And there was, you know, palm trees always blow like super dramatically. And that's because nature designed palm trees with their giant fronds to take the wind and redistribute it, right?

It's nature's design. Palm trees were designed to kind of dissipate the wind with their long fronds. And so whenever the wind hits them, they look dramatic. They look like they're like a heavy metal guy on stage, whacking his hair back and forth, right? Like a metal head banging. The palm trees are the headbangers of the trees and a hurricane. game.

But that happens even with a, you know, a mild amount of wind. That's the way they're designed to flap around in the wind. So they always cut to that. So anyways, there was this moron newscaster standing in a parking lot next to some flapping tree branches. And he was doing the classic thing where he was bending his body and, you know, you don't know that look where you're fighting the wind and your body's like faced into the wind and you're pushing and you're pushing and you're.

You're hunched over, and your knees are bending, and you're kind of losing your balance. So he was doing all this choreography. It was like watching the Nutcracker Suite on Broadway. I haven't seen such brilliant choreography. It's like he's on Dead Sing with the Stars. And he's doing all this. He's like, yeah, we got a real blaster down here we got. And he's like trying to keep himself upright.

And in the background, two dudes walk by on their cell phones strolling as casually as you can be. they literally might as well have been walking a puppy. They just strolled by, no problem, and this idiot didn't see them. And so he's doing all these theatrics on live television. Well, these people, these citizens who walk by that literally look like they're out for a Sunday stroll, their hair's barely moving.

It was just a pathetic, and you're like, good Lord, you morons. So, and as scary as hurricanes are, I've got to say there's something that's even a little scarier, okay? And no disrespect to the deaf. I know the deaf deserve to be able to know what's going on. Of course they do. But you get these people, when they give the news conferences, you get the deaf like hand-signing people. You know, they do the signing.

Well, someone's talking at the podium. There's always someone standing beside them doing these radical, like crazy hand signals, which is great for the deaf people. But I've got to be honest, I find these people more terrifying than the hurricane. Have you seen the look on there? Some of them are really super aggressive.

They're doing kind of these violent hand movements and grabbing and making signals. And they're very fast and jerky. And then I don't know why, because people are deaf that are watching. But the people who are doing the hand signals, for some reason, their mouths are contorting. They're not talking.

Why would they talk? They're addressing deaf people. But for some people, while their hands are flailing away, their mouths are kind of saying half the word and kind of making all these expressions. Like they're in some kind of absurd theater in an insane asylum. It's like, you know, and you look at them

and something, they're like grimacing and they're like grabbing and they're, oh my God, their fingers are flailing away. And I'm just like, holy God. That person is scaring me. It's almost like when you see these zombies on the zombie shows when they get, when they freak out and they're just like, they're grabbing for flesh. That's what it looks like.

And I'm like, I'm looking at their fingers flailing all around. Like, they're just all these hand signals and gestures and their fingers wiggling and their palms. I'm like, if I was in the audience, I'd love to throw a tickle me Elmo and a Kermit the Frog on their hands. Are you kidding? It's probably the best puppet show you've ever seen in your life. Their fingers are so animated. If you slid a puppet over those hands, oh my God. The puppets would be like going berserk.

Tickle me Elmo. and Kermit the Frog would be looked like they're having seizures, man. You're like the world's most brilliant puppet show. And then I start thinking, you know, with all these hand signals, you know how in gangland in Chicago and New York and L.A. And probably every city in America, there's like gangs, right? The Latino gangs, the white gangs, the Irish gangs, the African American gangs, the Asian gangs and a lot of them have these

they do this signing right with their fingers they sign they do signals right you gotta imagine what they think when they see these these these death interpreters like up there signaling like like Hussein the Hussein bolt of gang signals they're probably sitting and home watching CNN and they go hold on Holmes holy

what the fuck man who's that Who don't Who is that Who's that 43 year old white bitch What gang is she in bro What is she saying man

We gotta get her in our gang bro What's up Bartos Oh man that bitch can She can sign bro We need that for our gang Holy shit We better go get her Maybe she's saying some

Maybe we better pop her off bro I think maybe she's lipping off to us. That's some fucking signing that motherfucker. So I don't know. It's just like crazy, crazy. It's so uber aggressive. And again, I'm not knocking the deaf people.

The deaf people probably watch it and just, you know, it's just normal to them. You got to remember, most of us aren't deaf. So when we see that, it's kind of like, and it's kind of a distraction, too. I hate to say it when you're watching one of these, you're watching one of these, these, these, uh, these news conferences and you got the mayor, you got the governor up at a big chestnut podium and microphones.

And he's being very serious. Like, FEMA has the evacuation plans and we urge everyone to please get out now. And then, you know, you look over a foot. And there's someone that looks like they're having a connipion. They're just their fingers are flailing around. their mouths are making half words like they're talking in tongues. And we must move everybody to the evacuation site. We have decided to bring the red cross in so that anyone trapped.

Right? It's just wild. And of course, at the end of the day, despite all this kind of funny, commentary, you've got to respect the hell out of these people because they're doing a great service and they're actually very talented. Can you imagine, how many of you know how to sign? I mean, signing is an elaborate language. So I tip my hat to them, but I'm just saying to the to the person that isn't accustomed to sign language and rapid sign language, it's a little

abrasive that throws you off a little bit. So there you go. There's my, analysis of the hurricanes i hope everyone's okay i know we lost some lives and uh like i said i've i've been through some too man it's it's not it's not fun but like anything else you can overdo it okay there's always going to be hurricanes nature's always going to throw her might at us and you know it's dramatic enough okay nature's dramatic enough we don't have to keep over-dramatizing it

and run it 24-7 and good Lord there's other stuff going on in the world okay so there you go uh Rod let's move on let's move on yeah I've ranted enough yeah

how about a crazy news story even though that was kind of a new story worry how about a crazy news story roch cool the harland highway crazy news story that's weird wow that's strange stuff okay this one is i don't know if this one's crazy or creepy or a bit of both good lord good night nellie frittato let let me read you the crazy news story headline here you ready you might want to sit down if you're eating put your food down. Here it is. 14 worms

pulled from Oregon woman's eye after she walks through Cattlefield. Oh my God. You heard me. 14 worms pulled from a lady's eye. Listen to this.

Pulling these worms out in my eyes and there was 14 of them. Sounds like a horrible dream. But for Abby Beckley, I stared at it and it was alive. It was a real life medical mystery. Abby, who lives in Grants Pass, found the first worm in her left eye in August of 2016. I was absolutely shocked. At the time, Abby was on a fishing trip in Alaska. Doctors there could only send a couple of the worms to the CDC to be analyzed. I was like, okay, I was like,

but what do I do now? And they're like, um, just monitor it. They just say did not know what to do. Abby did online research. And I couldn't find anything at all. And that was scary. That's scary. Abby's boyfriend called the OHSU infectious disease hotline. Dr. Aaron Bonura took over from there. Basically, this patient had worms in her eye and what are we going to do about it? I couldn't have held it together as well as they did without her. Dr. Benura worked with the CDC and discovered Abby had the first human case of a particular type of cattle eyeworm called Palesia Goloza. I have to say she was quite impressive. She handled it with stride. The worm is spread from cow to cow by flies that drink cow tears picking up the worm larvae in the process.

Those findings were just published in the American Journal of Tropical Medicine and Hygiene. What we wanted to do was really add to the literature because it is so rare and unique. We wanted to make sure that if this did happen again, that there was precedence for it and we can learn from it. Abby's eyes and vision are fine now, and other than having a new aversion to flies. It's when I'm around a lot of wise. She's a perfectly healthy part of medical history. Ooh, wah, ooh, wah, ooh, wah, ooh, wah, ooh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, you're getting a little buzz, and you kind of lean in, and you start standing. staring into each other's eyes.

She says, stare into my eyes. And you stare into her eyes. And there's 14 freaking worms in her eyes. Yeah! Oh, my God. I mean, these worms, I guess you kind of heard the story, but I'll read you the story. There's a little story that goes with it.

It says, if you ever experienced floaters, Those little strands that you can see in your eyes When looking at something close up Now imagine floaters that wiggle like worms Ew wah And by the way there's a picture of these worms It's not like It's not like the dewworms you see

That come out on the road in the rain They're like little tiny They look like a little tiny white Like long curly like parasite worms. Ugh. They said 14 of them were pulled from

Abby's left eye. She said she first discovered the infestation after a week of mild irritation looking into her eyes she could see a translucent creature wriggling around.

Oh my God. I pulled that worm out and I just was shocked. I was absolutely shocked, Becky told the news. I stared at it and it was alive. Ooh, wah. She sought medical help and 13 more worms were extracted. Isn't that scary? Do you imagine having worms in your eyes? I don't know, maybe that's the type of thing. You know, nobody else has it. Maybe you go on a America's got talent, and Simon Cow's like, hello, darling, what's your talent?

What will you be doing for us today? If you could just zoom in on my eyes? Okay, and what do your eyes do? There's a nest of raw worms in my eyes? Oh, my God, I'm going to puke on my white t-shirt. So anyways, it sounds like this is very rare. it sounds like something that mostly happens to cows. And it said in the end, it said,

fortunately the worms did not cause permanent harm. Rather than burrowing into the eye, they are mostly content to feed on tears and other secretions. However, they can cause inflammation if not discovered early. I don't know, maybe they're kind of, kind of like that, you know, maybe they're sensitive.

I mean, what kind of creature in nature eats tears? I'm so sensitive. You know what I want? Can I just eat your tears? Can I suck your tears? I don't want grass. I don't want steak. I don't want vegetables.

I don't want apple pie. Let me eat your tears. I love you. I'm a tear worm. Oh, my God. So next time you cry, next time you have a crying fit. Just, you know, don't let your tears just drop on the carpet and get absorbed. Check them.

Make sure they have worms. And if they do, call your travel agent and book a fishing trip immediately. Hello. By George, I think he's got it. Yep. Well, I think we got to end it. right there because how do you top worms in the eyes gang right you just don't top worms in the eyes uh let's do some announcements though while we're here uh let's see what do we got

october 18th 19th 20th i'll be at the spokane comedy club in washington the great state of Washington. Hell yeah. And then November, 1st, 2nd, and 3rd, I'll be in Tacoma, Washington. And then November 15, 16th, I'll be in Irvine, California, at the Improv. So that's the Spokane Comedy Club, the Tacoma Comedy Club, the Irvine Improv Comedy Club, the Irvine Improv Comedy Club, through October and November and just check your listings at harlandwilliams.com under my stand-up link.

All of my shows are listed there and you can even order your tickets. You can pre-order your tickets through my website. So how about that? And also don't forget to get your free app for the Harland Highway. Just go in your app store and type it in the Harland Highway.

Highway podcast. You get the free app. And that includes the most current, 50 most current episodes, free. And then if you want the whole library of the Harlan Highway, like almost a thousand episodes. Can you believe it? A thousand. It's only 20 bucks a year. A year. So that's a great deal. That's a lot of entertainment for 20 bucks. You get over a thousand episodes. Not over a thousand, but almost a thousand episodes. This is number 960. So that's a lot of listening, a lot of laughter for you. So, and you can become a premium member for $20.

You can do that at Harlanwilliams.com. And we also have a store at Harlan Williams.com. You can buy all kinds of fun, wacky merchandise, CDs, and T-shirts, and digital downloads and all kinds of fun stuff. And you will enjoy it. So there you go. That's all we have time for today. I hope you enjoyed yourself.

Let's get ready for the fall. And that's it. We're going to wrap things up here. Watch out for worms. Watch out for hurricanes. Watch out for tigers. And I don't mean tigers in the jungle. I mean tigers in the city.

And that's it. Until next time, chicken, chameen, baby.