The Harland Highway - 962- Harland goes to OUTER SPACE. Stand up comedy LIVE. Mr. Featherstone drops in.

Episode Date: October 1, 2018

Harland goes to OUTER SPACE. Stand up comedy LIVE from Harland. Mr. Featherstone drops in for a visit. Calls from Pavement Pounders. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Holy egg rolls, spring rolls, and wanton soup. Don't even know what that meant. But here we go. You know you're on the Harland Highway when you hear that. Malarkey. I'm your host, Harland Williams. How are you, gang? Welcome to the show.

What a show we have today. Oh, my God. I go on a pissed off rant about a public service that's available to all of us. I go off. I have a pissed off moment today. Um, also, uh, some, uh, some, uh, voicemails from the pavement pounders. We'll be, uh, taking some calls and talking about, uh, some of the issues that have come up with the pavement pounders. And unfortunately, also my, uh, my boss, Mr. Featherstone drops into the studio unannounced.

I'm not happy about that and he's going on about something. Who knows what he's going to throw at me But Mr. Featherstone is here Good Lord Also, I'm going to play some live comedy for you Some live stand-up comedy that I did just recently And really funny stuff And then also I went into outer space by accident

Yeah, wait do you hear this I actually drove my car into outer space And you might think you're in outer space right now But you're not, you're on the Harland Highway I have an announcement to me You're about to go down the Harland Highway Lock the door

I don't want to be a product of my environment I want my environment to be a product of me You're riding down the Harlan Highway So, who don't have to fuck to get off this phone? I can get you off. Maybe.

Maybe not. Maybe fuck yourself. Ha! You're a cantal of. Dagon. Dagon. Dagon. All right, hold tight on the Holland Highway show.

I'm ashamed, big daddy. That's why I'm a drunk when I'm drunk, I can stand myself. Keep bleeding on that tutor, Charlie, and you're gonna get a shot in the mouth. That's like a man! What's about you? I wasn't really sure what was going on. You're listening to Harlan Williams. The rest is bullshit, and you know it.

Well, let's start the show off with some giggles. Do you feel like giggling or maybe not? I don't know. How about some Saturday night hijinks? Are you up for that? So just two nights ago, you know, when I'm at home, when I'm not traveling, when I'm in Hollywood, what do I do to relax? I go around on the weekends to all the local comedy clubs in Hollywood.

You know, the world famous comedy store on the Sunset Strip, the world famous improv, the world famous laugh factory. And if you don't know the layout here in Hollywood, they're kind of in a triangle. There's two clubs up on Sunset Boulevard. The Laugh Factory and the Comedy Store, store. They're probably about three quarters of a mile apart from

each other on the sunset strip, right where all the clubs are and everything. And then if you went down in a pizza wedge shape, so in essence, if you went down in like a triangle south to Melrose, there's the world famous improv

comedy club. So what I do on the weekends, you know, to have a little fun, I'd kind of go from one club to the next. I'll do all three in a night or I'll do two of the same club in a night and throw in another one. It's all mix and match, right? But I'll drive all around and I'll go to these clubs and I, you know, I like to work on new material. I don't necessarily like to do my act, my seasoned and home refined act. I like to kind of play. I like to get out there and just

kind of see what happens and throw caution to the wind and and so I was at the comedy store Saturday night packed sold-out house like huge the big room at the comedy store and my buddy Dane Cook goes on and Dane does a great job and then I follow Dane and I go out but I'm I'm feeling like you know I don't want to like do my act so I'm I'm just I'm gonna just throw it out there I'm going to walk out on stage and see what happens. And for some reason, the first words out of my mouth were, I think I said something like I caught some baby bear cubs or something like that.

And I didn't know where it was going. I don't know why the hell I said it. I just thought, well, let me say something, whatever, the first thing that pops into my head and let's see where it goes. And so I didn't know if it would last for 30 seconds or three minutes or five minutes but this whole little bit stretched into about I don't know five or six minutes I think

and it was just me flying by the seat of my pants so I'm going to play it for you and I don't know if you'll find it amusing or stupid or funny or whatever but the crowd sure seemed to get a laugh out of it so I recorded it and here it is this is me just two nights ago on Saturday just free

Foreman at the world famous comedy store on the Sunset Strick. All right. How about, if we could keep the clapping going just a little longer, I'd feel a lot better if I'd feel a lot better at that clapping us a little longer. The more you put out, the more I put out. That's what she said. We got nature lovers in the crowd. There's a nature lover.

Why do you like nature, guys? What's your kit? What's your get-up? This guy over here. What's your nature kit? I was just clapping. You were just clapping. So you hate nature.

Okay. Well, you can't just clap and not back it up. Because this comic will come after you, and I'll come after you hard. I'll come after you real hard and deep and moist. Who likes baby bear cubs? Anybody a fan of baby bear cubs? Here we go. We got one.

Ma'am, if you could sit down trying to do a show. Trying to do a baby bear cub exchange with the man in the avatar costume. across you. Who wants to have fun with a baby bear come? Here's what I do. Here's a guy. There we go. Bingo.

Ma'am, if you could sit down immediately. When a new show. Here's what you do, Guy. And I did this just yesterday. I was up in the not Los Angeles National Forest. Does anybody ever been up there? You've probably been up there. You've got those Ted Bundy.

eyes. So I'm here, this guy over here likes baby bear crops. I was up in the Angeles National Forest guy and I bagged four little bear cubs. You ever bagged some cubs grow? Ah? No. No. Okay. I didn't know how to snap out me. So I bagged four baby bear crabs, and what a... This was a lot of fun. Sir, if you want to sit down trying to go a bearcogne. I'll get some bearcubs, and I just saw it right here.

Just go just wander around like a lost Galapagos tortoise of the kind of trigger a little bit. I think you could sit down. Man, if you can look away, I don't like your eyes. So I bagged four baby bear crops guy. And here's what I did. You'd think, okay, what's a guy like this guy? And what's Donnie Osmond's cousin going to do with four baby bearcubs, right?

Oh, will I go to the L.A. Zoo and drop them off? No, I don't think so. Will I take them to a conservatory for bears? No. Will I drop them off, sir? Will I pull my Prius up to the Los Angeles Institutional Bear Research Denomination Survey Foundation? Now, here's what I did, guy, uh, garlic bread will eat, they call you. Guy goes to Mary Callender's and rubs garlic bread on his hairy ball sack.

This guy, right here. This guy, the bear guy. Mary Callender's garlic bread. He just like rubs his big, juicy Armenian ball bag. This guy, right over here. So I get these seven baby bear cubs. And think, what am I going to do? Down to Santa Monica and leave them in a basket at the front door of the, you know,

Los Angeles County Supervisors Institutional Bear Research Donation Society? No. What I do is I pull up to the office. Arby's Drive-Thru, and I order a bunch of bullshit. You know, I order some of that, you know, that thinly shaved ass flap meat, right? You know, everyone thinks it's roast beef, that's ass plows. That's fucking ass plow meat, man. Have you ever been to that show, the fucking show, the cadavers?

Have you ever seen that, man? Have you been to the cadaver show down at the L.A. County Museum of Pinecrest over here? You've seen it, they stripped the body, you've seen it where's Waldo Jr., they strip the they stripped the human cadavers down and they look, I swear to God, I thought it was a sushi restaurant, right? They look like fucking sushi. Have you seen them? They're standing there with a soccer ball and there was one with a Chinese roasted dildo in his hair. And so what I do is I go up to Arby's and they got that shaved ass meat on a bun. and

I hand the lady goes Here's your order And I go No Here's your bear cub Fuck face And not only one

But you ever load a rifle Like a pump pack You load the fucking Bullets in I just kept loading Fucking bear cubs Waiting her fucking face

And one of them clawed her little Arby's microphone And it ripped her fucking ear off And then the other one Smell Blood And ate her fucking

head alive So now let's hear your bear story, fuck now. Sir, if you can close your legs and smells. So there you go. There's yours truly. Just goofing around. And who knows, that might evolve into a bit that I do in my act. It might become something.

That's how I work. I don't sit at a computer and write jokes. go on stage and just throw stuff out there and I go off the feeling and the vibe and the reaction and I kind of just absorb and then once I kind of get the feeling that people find something's funny and silly then I start massaging it and moving the words around and adding things and that's how I write. It's kind of fun because I never know where the hell it's going to end up. So, you know, hopefully you guys enjoyed that. I sure enjoyed it.

It was such a fun crowd. Love talking to the crowd and just you never know where the hell it's going to go. So there you go. Hey, Roger, I think we had a phone message from one of the pavement pounders, didn't we? Yeah. Can we play that? Okay, Roger's going to play a phone call from one of you guys. Go ahead.

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I love you, man. You're great. A reason I'm calling those, I saw a YouTube clip of you on Were we at, like, The Last Factory or a man, you were wearing this blue flannel, your hat was backwards, and you had this beard. You looked awesome. Handsome. I'm not getting. You're great-looking, man. I don't know how you got better looking with age, but that beard is working, man. You were rocking it.

I just wanted to say you look great. I mean, you're starting to look like a bag of boiled potatoes there for a while. But that beard, man, excellent. Nothing more than that. You're great. I love everything you do. Fudge you, what you? Everything, brother.

Keep the beard. You look awesome. Peace. Wow. Holy smokes. That felt nice. Thank you, pavement pounder, collar guy. And who doesn't like getting a nice compliment and someone saying nice things

and appreciating what you do and telling you you're good looking? And the only thing wrong with that call is why can't it be a girl? I'm not gay. God. But nonetheless, I'll take it. I'll, you know, listen, there's nothing wrong with another man telling another man he's handsome. And, you know, I don't know how good-looking you listeners are, but do you ever get tired when somebody singles you out and says something about your looks?

Now, I'm not a good-looking guy. I'm not a monster, but I'm not a model. and so compliments like that don't come along that often for me so I'm going to take it and I don't care if it's from a guy or a girl and as you said this this as he said this guy's not gay he just thinks I'm handsome I'm not gay and even if he was gay or somebody gay

said I was handsome I wouldn't care I'm not gay but I don't care what mouth or what voice says I'm handsome who cares if it's an old lady or an old man or a gay person or a straight person or, you know, someone hot, you know, if someone tells you're handsome, you just, like, gloat for a bit. You wallow in it and say, okay, thank you. I'll take it from whoever. And so this wonderful caller made me feel good, and I don't know if that makes me shallow,

but it certainly made me feel good. my beard. You know, I had people, I don't have my beard right now. I have a goatee right now. Most of the beard is gone. But I got mixed reaction with the beard. I had people tell me that it looked good. I had other people said it made me look old. And I think it did make me look a bit old because, you know, I'm at that age where I get gray in my beard. So you just, anything gray makes you look old. Um, so anyhow, I just wanted to say thank you. And to the other part of your call about entertaining you for years. I'm so glad that I've been able to keep you entertained for years.

That's exciting. You know, it's weird when I think about it. I've been doing this for like 25, 30 years now. It's crazy. It feels like yesterday that I moved to Hollywood. It feels like yesterday I started doing stand-up comedy, but it's been a good stretch. So you can get people like this saying, you you've been you've been entertaining me for years i'm not good and uh here's hoping that i can

entertain you for many many many more years so enjoy thank you so much for the wonderful call and uh that was super super cool and nice um now uh what else oh i wanted to tell you i wanted to you know what roger i think i have a question of the day for the gang can we roll that i think we have a harland highway question of the day here we go the harland highway question of the day okay here it is have you ever driven your vehicle your car or if you drive a pickup truck have you ever driven your vehicle into outer space long silent pause because you're like what the hell's he talking about is he drunk no it happened to me recently And I want to know if it's ever happened to you.

I was driving along the highway. It was a nice sunny day. You know, I'm on the open highway. And I'm not an air conditioner guy. If I can get away with a nice breeze, a natural breeze blowing in my car window, that's what I'm all about. I like the real air, the polluted air. I don't need that, that, that, that free on, that dirty, nasty, free on getting in my lungs from the air conditioner, so I cranked the windows open, and I'm just speeding along, you know,

75 miles an hour, cruising on down the highway, the sun's shining, there's not all that much traffic, I'm watching the scenery blow by, and all of a sudden, I must have, like, driven right into orbit, because suddenly things are floating in front of my face. And I'll tell you what I'm talking about, some papers, some documents, a bag of chips, some receipts, some napkins. You ever see those space movies or you ever watch documentaries where the guys are out in space and they're sitting in their chairs with their spacesuits and the pencils are floating by and the manuals are floating by. and the granola bars are just hovering around their head and floating around, right? I'm not kidding.

I don't know what it was. I just must have just the right air currents coming in. My four windows were down. And I had a bunch of papers from a meeting that were in the back seat, and I had picked up a bag of Czech's trail mix or some kind of chips at the 7-Eleven. I had napkins from McDonald's I had receipts from parking lots and I don't know what it was man

but the way the air was coming in this was cracking me up I'm driving along and all of a sudden like these objects started getting picked up by the draft by the air coming in my windows and it started swirling around in my car

and I'm not not kidding, like a number of items just, they must have caught that perfect crosswind where they're literally like floating in midair right in front of my steering wheel in front of my face, like a bag of chips was just like for about six seconds, was just like hovering, like just elevated and blowing in the air and then, and then a few minutes later, like a piece of paper just blowing. It was almost like that scene where the, uh, that, that little midget. And Poultergeist.

Remember she opens Carol Ann's bedroom door, and it's just everything's floating, the books and the toys and the beach balls and the slippers? That's what it was like in my car, man. It was just like everything was floating around, and I'm like, I'm like, yeah, Houston, no, we've got a, we've got a bag of chips. Are we, are we cleared a snack, Houston?

Oh, yeah, Houston, this is one small step for man. This is one giant leap for documents from my meeting, floating in my face, paper cut across the bridge of my nose. I mean, it was just weird, and I started laughing because this stuff just like hovering and floating. And I'm thinking, you know, like I said, it's just going to be the perfect blend of cross breezes coming in. to get that effect because if it's not floating then it's just swirling around like suddenly you've driven

into another movie suddenly you're driving through the tornado and the Wizard of Oz and everything's like spinning around and floating you're waiting for that

that old lady the wicked witch of the west to go by on her bicycle I'm deenit deen I'll get you and your bag of chips too Toto oh my god

so there you go that's basically the Harland Highway question of the day, because like I said, with all this stuff floating, I felt like I drove right into like zero gravity. I drove into orbit. Suddenly I was in Apollo 13. Instead of driving down the, you know, the California freeway, I'm suddenly on a trajectory to the moon and everything just like floating around. Bizarre, man. So there you go. There's the Harland Highway question of the day. Have you ever driven your car into outer space? I'm not getting.

The Harland Highway. Question of the day. That's one small step for man. One giant leap for man. I'm not good. So there you go. My trip into orbit down a California highway. Interesting stuff.

Don't know if it's ever happened to you, but I'm sure that some did. Hold on. Hello. Roger, why is there someone knocking on the studio door? Hello? Yeah, come in. Hello. What, sir?

Yes, that's right, sir. Who were you expecting to walk through the door? Raquel Welch? No, I wasn't expecting Raykel Welch, sir, but I, ladies and gentlemen, my boss, Mr. Featherstone from the 12th floor, is it? You don't need to tell everyone who I am. Well, sir, I was right in the middle of a podcast. A what? My podcast, sir.

This is my studio. A sloid pot? Not a sloid pot, sir, a podcast. A glottie potty? Sir, it's called a podcast. Don't raise your voice of me, tidily winks. I'm not raising my voice, sir, but, you know, you've been in here before. I've been up to your office many times.

I've been doing a podcast for nine years and, uh, what that? Pardon me? You said a coleslaw? I didn't, I didn't say coleslaw, sir. Well, what did you say? Sir, I'm going to slow it down. I said, podcast. You're going to fish it, huh?

No, I'm not going fishing. Well, you said cast. I'm not, podcast. Oh, you broke your leg. Why would you think I broke my leg? Because you're talking about a cast. You got a cast on your leg? Sir, I've got to...

What do you want here, Mr. Featherstone? I came to tell you that your show's not topical enough. What do you mean it's not topical enough? You're not talking about the issues that people want to hear about. They're a kindergarten cop. Kindergarten cop, you heard me.

Well, what issues are... Are you talking about because I feel like I cover a lot of topical issues, sir? Oh, really? Yes, sir. Oh, I'm sure you spread the topical issues all around. I do try to spread them around. Probably the same way you try to spread your legs at your funny little bars downtown. Sir, do not...

I do not go to funny little bars downtown. Oh, really? Yes, really. Okay. Well, how about Salty's termite mound down at 49th and 12th? What is it? You heard me Salty's termite mound. Salty's termite mound. Ah, sir?

Uh-huh. Sir, can you cut to the chase here? What is it you want me to talk about specifically? I want you to talk about the National Football League. Okay. and this whole National Anthem deal. What do you mean the National Anthem deal? Where all the men are going down on the knees.

I'm sure you know what that's like. Sir, do not. I don't go down on my knees. Oh, really? Yes. What about downtown are your funny bars? Sir, I don't go to funny bars downtown. Oh, really?

Yes, we already went through this. What about that? that one down at 4th and 97th? Wait, what? The oil-stained car seat. You ever been there? The oil-stained car seat. Uh-huh.

Sir? Uh-huh. So, what do you, what about the football thing, sir? Before I go any further. Yes? Have you ever farted? No, I don't want to hear that have you ever farted thing. Okay?

I don't fart on things I don't know why you're obsessed with that I'll just knock it off have you ever farted into a cookie jar sir I don't fart in cookie jars if you've never done it you gotta try it it melts all the chocolate chips

sir I don't want to melt the chocolate chips with a fart now what about the football thing I want you to get a guest on your show, a football player, or someone from the NFL, and I want you to talk about this taking the knee thing that you're so good at. I'm not good at taking a knee. Uh, sir?

Uh, uh, sir, who am I supposed to get in here? I don't know. You ever heard of the NFL? Or how about the IFL? What the hell's the IFL? Idiot. Fucklip. and that's you.

Sir, I'm not idiot fucklips. I bet you are. Sir, I don't even know what that means. It means you're an idiot, you've got fucklips. Sir, who am I supposed to get from the NHL? I said the NFL. What the hell's the NHL? I meant the NFL.

What's the H? NHL. I don't know. How about, Kneeling, homosexual lovers. Sir, kneeling starts with a K. I bet you have K-Y jelly. That's what...

Sir! Can we stay on focus here? Let me ask you this. Okay? Have you ever farted? Sir, I'm... Why are you going on and on about this? Have you ever farted into a cotton of eggs?

Sir, I'm not. going to answer that stupid question. Okay, well, maybe you'll answer this. Why don't you have a football player on your damn plod snot? It's a podcast, sir. Where am I going to get a football player? I don't know. Find out, because I'm getting fed up.

You're spending so much time at your funny little bars downtown, and you're not putting enough time into your snodglob. Sir, it's a podcast. Whatever it is, stop spending some... I don't spend time at the funny little bars downtown. Oh, really? Yes. What about that one down by the railroad tracks at 12th and 87th?

Which one? Charlie's pickle jar. Charlie's pickle jar. See, you even knew the name. I've never heard of it in my life, sir. I bet you're down there with your funny little guy, friends. playing Hansel and Gretel all over your legs. What does that even mean playing Hansel and Gretel all over my legs?

You, I don't know, but you do. Sir, are we done? Ah, sir? Ah. I will try to get someone from the NFL in here. You were about to say the NHL, aren't you? No, I wasn't. I bet you were.

Sir? Uh-huh. Sir! Ah! Are we done here, sir? Have you ever farted into an electric bug-zapper? Sir, I have never farted into an electric bug zapper. It makes your asshole hair stand up on end. Sir, can you...

I've got work to do on my podcast. All right, will you get back to your schlod plot? And I want to make sure you get someone in here from the NFL on what of your upcoming shows, you slacker. Fine, I will, sir. Thank you. Go raise your voice at me, peeling paint, peedy. Peeling paint, Petey. That's right.

Are we done, sir? I'm done, but you'll probably have a long way to go tonight down at the Willie's garlic brand post or whatever the hell it's called. Willie's garlic bread post, huh? Uh-huh. Goodbye, sir. Uh-huh. Thank you, goodbye. I will work on the NFL thing.

I bet you will. Get up. Goodbye, sir. God. What is wrong with that guy, Roger? Why don't you warn me when he's coming down here? What a pain. Stop. Do you know how fast you were going? I'm going to have to write you a ticket to my new movie, The Naked Gun.

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Holy crap, gee. What we've got here is failure to communicate. Have a really nice day today, folks. You deserve it. Don't piss me up. This is Harland Williams. You're really pissing me off. Oh, you're starting to piss me off, you little pigless son, bitch.

You pissed me off. Shut up, you're pissing me off. These fucking assholes, this fuck, these fucking assholes, the fuck is their problem, man. Alright, there we go. go. A little fired up here, gang. A little P-Oed. Here it is. Okay, first of all, some accolades. Way to go, Uber and Lyft and all the app car services, okay? Very inventive, very creative, very necessary. It's a great service. It's a good service, but here's the downside that's pissing me off. Okay, so where I live up in the holly weird hills, which is kind of a windy, wiggly, narrow road.

I mean, it's not like driving up and down flat surface streets, okay? It's precarious. It's tight. There's two-way streets that only fit one car and you have to improvise. And when you meet another car on the road, you have to back up or pull it. into a little nook or pull into someone's driveway, it's, it's complicated. And since the advent of Uber and Lyft and the other car services, it is, it is getting cray-cray. Okay, so in the old days, you know, I've lived at my place for many years. And in the old days, you know, over years, maybe 10 years.

or more, I can probably attest to seeing maybe 10 taxi cabs in 10 years. That's one a year. Like you never saw taxi cabs coming up and down are streets. Okay, not just my street, but all the surrounding streets, all the main streets up to the smaller streets, etc., etc. And now with Uber and Lyft, you know, they put the stickers in the window and the little glowing pink sign for Lyft. and so now, now that people can get a cheap ride, you know,

go all the way across the country on $8. Everybody's using these services. Everyone's lifting, everyone's Uber and everybody, you know. And what's happened is it's added tons of traffic on the surface streets. Cars that used to be idle sitting at home in people's garages. in the driveway, by the curbside. Well, rightly so, people have realized they can activate their dormant vehicles

and make some income. It's a good deal, and it's good for the consumer because they're getting a cheap ride. But the downside of the influx of all these cheap rides is that all those cars that were sitting dormant and not getting in the way and using up street space and causing congestion are now in with the flow of the traffic, okay? And that's okay, but a lot of these Uber drivers are not necessarily great drivers.

You know, these are people that were obviously sitting at home or don't have jobs or have time on their hands. So they're out to make a little more income, but I don't know if they took a taxi driver like driving course. So they, I don't know how good their driving skills are. And here's where I'm fired up, because based on my observations, and there's ethnic drivers, there's white drivers, there's African-American drivers, there's all walk of drivers. Every race and color and creed, who knows what. But I'm starting to notice a pattern that a lot of these Uber drivers are not the most skilled drivers on the planet. And so my pissed off problem is twofold. A, my streets where I used to see one taxi cab every year maybe, if I was lucky,

I now see three or four or five Uber or Lyft guys every day on my streets. So if we translated that and those were cabs, if those were taxis, I'd see four or five taxis on my street a day, whereas I used to see one a year. And those are just the ones I'm seeing. So now we got more cars in the neighborhood on these tight streets that are hard to maneuver, hard to manipulate, and they're clogging things up.

And worse, I've noticed they're not great drivers. and I've been in some Ubers. I've used the services. A lot of the drivers I've had have not been great drivers. A lot of them are timid. A lot of them kind of poke around. A lot of them most of the time

aren't sure what they're doing. A lot of them on most occasions are staring into their phones and driving at the same time because they're trying to figure out where to go. And so then you get the Uber and lift drivers that aren't even in your neighbor, to pick someone up, they're there because they're lost and they're turning around and they're

pulling to the side and they're blocking the road and they're, they're puttering along and they're driving slower than everyone else because they're looking at their GPS, trying to figure out where the house is or where to make the turn. And for a little while I was like, okay, I guess, I guess I can handle it. But now it's becoming almost a daily thing where it's like Uber block and lift block. And then a lot of them now are starting to hang out in the neighborhood because you know what happens like any taxi? They get a call.

They don't narrow it. When they drop off their fare, they don't necessarily have another fare lined up. So what do they do? They go and they sit at a designated taxi waiting port, right? But not the Uber drivers. They're just waiting for the next ding on their phone. So they'll kind of sit and wait.

wherever they dropped off their last fare. So now they're, like, parked on the, in the intersection. Now they're parked in the middle of the road. They've got their hazards on. They're waiting at the side. They're blocking. They're parked the wrong way. They're driving around aimlessly.

So it's becoming an issue. And as I said, up in the hills, it's even more noticeable because traffic is tight and it's way. windy and and you know a lot of these drivers get you know they act like they're driving up mount everest like some drivers are literally afraid to go up a small little hill even in dry weather with no rain they're just like i've i've had i've had an uber driver because i'm in the hills i had a guy stop at the of a road that people go up all day long and he goes oh i can't go up there and i go what do you mean he goes i can't drive up that and i go dude i'm paying for the ride

drive up. He goes, no, I can't go up that. And I'm like, what the hell planet are you from, dude? What do you mean you can't go up? It's a road. It's a paved road that people drive up and there's houses and people live up there. We go up there. No, no, I can't go. I actually got to started yelling at the guy. And it takes a lot for me to yell, believe me. But I'm like, what is wrong with you? And so I see this kind of hesitation and this apprehension and this, this, this, this, this, this, this, uh, this, this lack of awareness that there's other traffic around? A lot of these Uber and lift drivers are all caught up in their own little universe and looking into their phones and don't have driving skills and are slow and they're

not aggressive drivers, they're apprehensive and they're, oh, it's just like really starting to get to me, man. And I'm getting to the point where a lot of times I'll be behind someone who's a poke or they're slow or they're just like a bad driver and I'll pull up in front of them and I'll look in my rearview mirror and I'll be like sure enough there's the big Uber sticker right in the window I don't know if you guys are experiencing this but I sure am man so check it out let me know and let me know if you're as pissed off about it as I am these guys got to get their act together man oh yeah

Yai. So in conclusion, good idea, great service. Drivers need to step it up a notch, have more awareness, be more aggressive, and not be like driving like zombies, okay? Bing, bam, boom. There, I got it out of my system. Thank you. Hello? Hello? Hey, Harlan. This is cartoonist Jack again. I was just responding to your question. to me to name something that wasn't so obvious that was difficult in high school. I came up to the first idea because I wanted it to be funny for something for the pavement pounders to have a chuckle at and everything. But if you want something deeper, I will say this. So I have autism, and naturally I was a special ed kid in high school.

And the thing that was tough about it is I was at the point in my life. life where I knew the things I wanted to do, like I knew I wanted more friends, I wanted to go to parties, I wanted to date all this stuff. But the fact that I was a special ed kid and the fact that I just lacked social skills to participate in high school really held me back from doing that. Like I would always come on to strong people or I would, you know, I would do things that would just make people uncomfortable. And I used to get really mad about that. I certainly don't anymore. It's like I completely understand that everybody's going through a different journey in school and they're going to react differently to it. But at the time, it was

really, it put a lot of emotion in me where I was just, I just felt like life was just so unfair at that time. And I wish I could have went back and told myself everything I needed to know in order to make myself more likable in everything. I don't want to be a soft story. You know, I'm doing fine now. Obviously, I just got married and You know, I got a good career. I can't complain. But, yeah, if you wanted a little bit more of an insightful answer, I guess I can relate to that guy on the roof that you were talking about.

All right, have a good one, and I'll see one of your shows soon. Bye-bye. Cartoonist Jack, there it is. A little more of an intimate answer, appreciated. Maybe not the easiest thing to talk about, telling people that you have autism and the difficulties that might go with it. So, uh, courageous, uh, voicemail. And, uh, it sounds like, uh, all the things that you had to deal with, uh, in school,

you kind of sailed through and overcame and you're doing great. You're married. You're a great artist. You're doing all these great things. So that's life, right? That, that's kind of, uh, uh, That's kind of interesting what you said there about if you could have gone back and told yourself everything you needed to know. I wish I could have went back and told myself everything I needed to know.

Don't we all? Don't we all wish we could go back and have told our younger selves everything we needed to know? But at the same time, no. I don't think that would be good because if you knew everything you needed to know when you were starting out, what would the fun be? You know, they say the fun is in the journey, right? So if you knew everything you needed to know just popping out of the womb, it'd be, life would probably be boring. And the ups and downs of life, the difficult times and the great times, and the ones in between are what make it interesting and passionate and engaging and all those

wonderful things. I mean, let's face it, we probably all had times when we wanted to jump off a bridge too. And you're like, God, why didn't I know this or why did this have to happen to me or why was I born like this or why can't I be different? But that's part of the molding of each human personality, each human being, you know? You slowly chisel away or you add on to the mold of your life and you become the person that you are. You evolve and you grow or you lose things or you gain things. It's a journey. And kudos to

Jack, because it's never easy when you come out of the gate and you feel like you have a disadvantage. When you're a kid that stands out, especially in high school, when you're around kids who don't have any filters

and they're always, you know, it's like nature. They're looking for the weaker ones. You know, the the tough ones or the stronger ones are always looking to pick on the weak ones. That's nature's way, man. Look at lion prides. Look at hyena prides. Look at birds in their nests.

Look at fish. Look at everything in nature. If any weakness is detected, I think we're genetically programmed to kind of attack it. Because, you know, it's just the competitive. of nature that's born into most living things. And high school and, you know, any type of school can be a cruel learning ground, a cruel place because kids don't necessarily have the nuance to be sensitive or discern about between what is good and what is hurtful and what is cruel and what is nice.

I mean, we all have a sense of it even at a young age, but I think it's easier for young kids to just, get carried away because they don't necessarily understand the ramifications and the damage teasing or bullying can cause. And so for Jack here to go through school in a special needs or special kids class, I mean, that's tough. That's a hard pill to swallow. You've got a bit of a target on your back.

And I can only imagine that it makes you stronger inside. It makes you a stronger person because you've had to learn how to cope. You've had to learn how to put up the shield and deflect the incoming bombs and bullets that are coming at you. And it probably wasn't fun during the time, but at the same time it probably helped you build your skeleton and your exoskeleton and helped you build up a resistance and understand human nature and have a better comprehension of people's words and intentions and actions. And when you're out in society, you can probably,

I won't be surprised if Cartoon Jack can pick up easier on people and their motives and their agendas a lot quicker than the rest of us. Because, you know, when you've been a kid that's picked on or singled out, you're very sensitive to all that stuff. and I think all of us, you know, Cartoon Jack might have had it worse because of being in the special kids class but I can't say

I went through school unscathed without having a tar, you know, there were times when I got picked on and it was it was my turn to be in the chamber where the kids were like, look at that guy, you know? And part of the journey is you got to, you got to maneuver through that. You got to stop and address it

and go, okay, these kids are picking on me. Why? Why are they picking on me? okay, I figured out why. Now, what am I going to do about it? How do I go about changing it? What do I have to do to counteract what they're doing? You know, there's so many variables at play psychologically and physically and everything. And, you know, these are all the buttons we need to push within ourselves and on other people.

We have to push our own buttons, but you also have to figure out how to push other people's buttons to, make them back off or make them have compassion or make them change their ways or their tactics it's a it's a real dance man it's a real game and that's the journey of life and so our thanks to jack for sharing that insight because you know on the other question of the day he had asked you know what was what was the worst part of school and we kind of scrape the surface with, you know, the typical stuff. And I said, hey, come on, man. That stuff's not that bad.

What else you got? What do you got that really affected you? And I said in a recent pocket, my thing was like socializing and being shy around girls and that kind of stuff, you know, the deeper stuff. And so thank you for sharing your story with us, Jack, that you definitely went deep on that one and it was a good arena for conversation. So if any of you other pavement pounders have stories about your school days where you had something that was tough to deal with or had trouble managing or whatever, we'd love to hear

from you too and I'll sit here and analyze the way that I have, you know, not so much analyzed but observations on on all that stuff and it's nothing new i'm not telling you anything you guys don't already know i mean good lord we've all been through it i'll share i'll share a little story when i first went to public school um so i went to i went through a program called the montessori system when i was young from grade one to grade four or from kindergarten to grade four and maria Montessori was an Italian educational person, woman, who kind of came up with a theory that

the human brain has its highest capacity for absorption when you're an infant, you know, between the kindergarten years up to grade four or five. And so she created a form of education called the Montessori system. and it's a form of education where when we went to school,

we were learning math and geography and history and everything, like, right out of the gate. There was no like, okay, kids, let's do finger painting. Let's ride the bicycles down the hall. I mean, man, I was reading, like, fluently by the time I was, you know, I don't know how young. I remember I was reading like fluently as a little kid,

I knew the name of every state in the United States. I knew every province in Canada when I was just a little toddler, man. I mean, if you have kids, I highly recommend putting them into the Montessori school system. It does exist in the states here in Canada where I went. And I think it's all over the world if you're willing to go look for it. But it's a very good system, in my opinion. And so I remember when I went, I left from Montessori because they only went to grade four. I leapt into the public school system to a school that was right up our street.

I could walk to school in like, you know, four minutes. And I remember getting into public school and it was just a different vibe. It was a different, you know, the kids seemed a little more aggressive and I was a little nervous because, you know, all these other kids had come up in the public school from kindergarten on. up and now here was this who's the new kid in grade five and it was me and i was still a little scrawny kid i was short i was and i remember there was a couple of girls of all people that zoned in on me i remember i think this girl's name was karen salmon her last name was salmon and this other girl i think her name was kate i can't remember a little blonde girl and a little

brunette girl and i was kind of nervous and i think i think kids can pick up on when when someone's nervous and you know kind of new and like I said earlier I have a target on their back and I remember we have this place called the mudroom and it's when you came into school it's where all the kids went in and took their boots off and hung their coats before they went into the classrooms and I remember every time I went into the mudroom these two girls one of them Karen Salmon would wind up and like like a football punter she would wind up and kick me right in the ass. And it didn't hurt that much.

It hurt a little bit, but it was more the shock of it. It was like, wow, I'm actually being physically assaulted by a girl. And I'm like, what do I do? And I have four sisters, and they'd never treated me like that. And so I just kind of pretend it didn't happen. And I think that incentivized them to keep doing it kept her to keep doing it. So over the course of the next, like, kind of month. or two. I kept getting these, like, giant boots in the ass, and I was, like, too scared to do

anything. And I can't remember, but one day I think I confronted her, or either she just got tired of it. But I was very confused because, hey, it was a girl. I didn't know how to retaliate. I wasn't used to being, you know, picked on by a girl. And I can't remember if it's, it's, if was I said something to her, I did something to her, or I just started to open up and people started to know me better and learn my personality. And I think maybe with her, it kind of turned into, she kind of looked at me one day and went, you know what, this kid's kind of cool. I like this kid. So I think I won her over just by being me, little old me. But this other girl, Karen, I think was her name.

She got, she took it inside the classroom and she would stab me with her pencil. Yeah, those pencils are pointy and hello, does anyone know the term lead poisoning? Hello? Boing, boink, boink. And same thing. It was a girl attacking me. I don't know why the girls were all mad at me, man. But let's say, you know, girls can be just as violent and mean, spirited as dudes.

Don't kid yourself, man. And so she was like stabbing me with this pencil. And again, I was kind of numb. I was like, what the hell is happening? What did I do? I've never even talked to this girl. And so one day I kind of hit the wall and I just went, you know what? Fuck this.

And I turned around and I stabbed her right back. And her face just lit up like she was in shock. She was like, what the? And I think she saw the anger in my face. And she didn't like the feeling. And guess what? She never stabbed me again. And now I miss being stabbed with a pencil.

If anyone's got an HB12 or a nice hard lead pencil, I'd love to be, what am I talking about? So there you go, man. These are just little examples of the things we've all experienced. I'm sure you all have stories of being picked on or something that made you uncomfortable. And as I said about Cartoon Jack, when you're autistic and you're in the special kids, because, oh, my God, it probably gets amplified. But the point is, most of us, all of us make it through. And it helps forge us and shape us and build us.

And so I'd be interested to hear if any of you pavement pounders wanted to share any of your early school stories where you were picked on or abused or you felt there was a turning point where something helped shape you or moved you up to the next level because you had a revelation about yourself or about the world or kids. You know, an epiphany. I find those to be very interesting stories. And I don't think I can get any more interesting than Karen Salmon kicking me in the ass. And the other girl, whatever name, was stabbing me with raw lead. So I think I'll hang it up right here.

Roger, I think we're done. Let's do a little, some announcements here. What do we got going on? First of all, hello, welcome to October. Holy smokers. We're in the fall now, gang. October, Lord. First day of October today.

And coming up in, well, if you're around this weekend, and you're in California, I'm going to be doing the food fighters put together a big music festival in California called Cal Jam. Cal Jam 18. And it's like Billy Idol and the Food Fighters and all these bands. It's a two-day music, two or three-day music festival just outside of L.A. You can go online and look up Cal Jam 18. And I'm hoping I meet one of my childhood idols, Billy Idol. He's performing the same night I am.

And I've been just, I've loved this guy ever since I saw him. It's just something so cool about Billy Idol. So I'm hoping I can meet him. Anyways, this thing's called Cal Jam, and I'm going to be there Friday night, October 5th. They're setting up a comedy tent, and so it's me and Jamie Kennedy. Remember Jamie Kennedy, X-Files or whatever, and he was in all the Scream movies, and so Jamie and I are going to be doing some shows out at the Cal Jam this weekend, October 5th. Look for the comedy tent.

It starts in the early evening. You can go online and get all the details. And then later in October, I'll be in Spokane, Washington at the Spokane Comedy Club. That's October 18, 19, and 20, Spokane, Washington. And then on the 18th as well as being in Spokane, the season two premiere of Puppy Dog Pals. Finally, season two is going, oh my God, I'm choking up, I'm so excited. Season two of puppy dog pals is launching on the 18th. So get your kids in front of the telly, eh?

Sit them down and let them watch the puppy dog pals, eh? Then in November, I will be in Tacoma, Washington. Tacoma, Washington at the Tacoma Comedy Club, again up in Washington. What's going on in Washington, man? And then November 15 through 18, I'll be in Irvine. Irvine, California, Orange County at the Improv, beautiful club, like 600-seater. Going to be a good time down at the improv in Irvine. So that's it from my comedy gigs at the moment.

If you want to go to Harlow Williams.com and check those out, you can pre-order your tickets. And we love to see you there. Also, don't forget to, if you want to buy some puppy dog pals paraphernalia, they've got all these toys out at Shop Disney.com or JCPenny.com or Walmart or Target.com. I mean, they have so many cool puppy dog pals toys out. And if you have kids, oh my God, they've got puppy dog pals Halloween costumes out now. Can you believe this? And if you want a lot of this information on puppy dog pals, I have a Twitter page called

at Puppy Pals Bob. If you want to go and join that Twitter page At Puppie Pals Bob And I tweet on there a lot And give information and updates on the puppy dog pals So check it out Also make sure you check out our store At Harlem Williams.com

We have all kinds of fun merchandise We can mail out to you You can order that right online there And we also have our Harland Highway app you can download for free in the app store. Please get your hands on that. And if you want to get all the episodes of the Harland Highway,

almost 1,000. This is episode 962. We are getting close. You can do that by becoming a premium member. Yes, a premium member. You can listen to every single episode we've ever done. It's only $20 a year. and you also get a little special premium member

you know announcements and stuff for me from time to time when I have time for them there's not a million of them but every now and then I drop a few in there and what else I think that's it man thanks for everyone for making puppy dog pals season one so successful I'm glad everyone's enjoying it And looking forward to season two Have fun with you and your family

When you're watching it And I'll keep you posted on some other cool animation projects That I have in the works There's some cool stuff coming up And possibly Maybe even an animated show for the adults Ooh yeah That's a little teaser

That's something I'm working on right now So hopefully in the near future, I can give you more information on that. Okay? So there you go, gang. Thanks for being here. Keep it real in the deal. Keep on the straight and arrow.

And until next time, chicken. Chalmy, baby? I'm not good. And you're not putting enough time into your snodglob. Thank you.