The Harland Highway - 964 - Harland talks to a PRIEST. Household tips. LIVE STAND UP to a religious group.

Episode Date: October 15, 2018

Harland talks to a PRIEST. Household tips. Harland does LIVE STAND UP to a religious group. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome to the Harland Highway, everybody. This is Harland Williams, your host an emcee tonight. Please, no smoking, no spitting, and no smashing your head against the wall. Welcome to the show. We have a great show for you tonight, like always, don't you know? Tonight, you're going to hear some live stand-up. I got to do stand-up in front of a little kind of religious group, a church group. I was asked to do it, and it was a lot of fun.

I kind of halfway through my set started slipping into gospel and church mode, and so I'm going to share with you about a, that's about a 15-minute live stand-up comedy set I did that was a lot of fun, just kind of improvising and making up kooky stuff with the crowd and getting a little religious along the way. So that was cool. Also, we have something I want to kind of talk to you about, a household tip, that could be unsanitary, could be life-threatening possibly, is definitely creepy, and it's something I'm going to talk to you about, through my infinite wisdom, I'm going to

try and, you know, enlighten you and make you aware of something that could be going on in your house that's wacky. And then back to the religious theme later, we're going to have a priest call in and talk to me about my attitude towards God and religion. I'm interested to hear what he says because I feel like I'm a believer, but he might have other words, but we're all going to be okay as long as we believe in the Harland Highway. I have an announcement to me. You're about to go down the Harland Highway. Lock the door.

I don't want to be a product of my environment. Shut up. I want my environment to be a product of me. You're right. down the Harlan Highway. So, put off the fuck to get off this phone. I can get you off. Maybe, maybe not, maybe fuck yourself.

Ha! You're a cantalope. Tideon. Tadon. Tadha-da-ta-da-da-da-da-da-ta-da-da-da-da. All right, hold tight on the Harland Highway Show. I'm ashamed, big daddy. That's why I'm a drunk when I'm drunk.

I can stand myself. Keep bleeding on that two. Gooder, Charlie, and you're going to get a shot in the mouth. Act like a man. What's the matter with you? I wasn't really sure what was going on. You're listening to Harlan Williams. The rest is bullshit, and you know it.

D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D. Okay, who wants a little household tip from yours truly? A little, a little household tip for me. Here it is, man. Here's my household tip. When you wake up in the morning. And you've left your pants or your undies or even your socks on the floor of your, of your bedroom or wherever you drop them before you went to bad. Here's my household tip. Give them a good shake before you put them back on.

Now, I don't know if you're people who change your undies every day and change your pants every day. I don't think you need to. I'm a two-day undy and a two-day sock guy, and the pants I'll wear like two or three days, unless I'm out rolling in the mud. But if I'm just, if I'm just, you know, driving to work or I'm just walking through a mall, it's not like I'm getting like, you know,

Zika virus all over my jeans. You know, if I spill mustard on them or mayonnaise or something, okay, done, they're gone. I'll grab another pair. But if I'm just, doing casual stuff and I'm getting in and out of the car and walking around and there's no stains or I didn't step in horse manure or anything. It's like, okay, two, three days. And for the undies and the socks, for sure two, three days, because you don't want any fungus growing.

So if you leave your clothes on the floor, and maybe even a shirt, if you drop a shirt on the floor. Here's what I recommend. Shake it. Shake it, shake it, shake it. When you pick it up, shake the hell out of it. Because I've learned over the years that for whatever reason, every house has its share of critters. Spiders, um, ants, uh, silverfish, caucous. Cawker. In my case, I've had scorpions in my house. I've had lizards in my house. I mean, I had a skunk walk in my house one night.

I was sitting there watching TV with the door open and a skunk walked right in. He walked right up to me and I just yelled. I went, hey! And he turned around and ran back out. Thank God he didn't spray. I had a squirrel walk in. I've had birds fly in. I mean, we've all...

Let me know if you've had weird stuff come into your house. Phone me and leave me a message. 3-2-3-739, 43330. But anyways, my point is I've, over the years, realize that for some reason when you leave your stuff on the ground,

I've had ants. Okay, you ever hear that saying you've got ants in your pants? Well, I've literally put my pants on in the morning or my day-old undies. And I'm like, what the hell is that? What's that itch? What's that?

And sure enough, I got like ants in my pants or in my undies, even worse. Now, you know how creepy that feels. And then the other day I picked up my pajama bottoms, because that's another thing maybe you don't wash every day, right? Your pajamas, you probably let go the longest. And I don't know why you do, but you do. And so I picked up my pajama bottoms and just out of habit, I shaked them and a big black spider fell out. And it sucked because, like, I had to kill the spider.

I don't like killing spiders, but my rule for the most part is if there's a spider in the house, unless it's got a web up in the corner and I know where it kind of lives, I'll leave it. But if there's one crawling around the floor, it could crawl into my bed, or it's, on my clothes, I'm sorry, boom. Baby, we can shake, shake, shake. So, and I don't want to get a scorpion in my, I mean, you get stung by a scorpion, that's poison. You get stung by a black widow, that's poison.

You get stuck by a brown recluse. That's poison. I even had a tarantula, not in my house, but right on my welcome mat once. A tarantia, that's right. I live in California, so that stuff's here. So I'm just, I'm just giving you guys a little household tip. Shake the crap out of your stuff before you put it on. Because you don't know what's crawled into it.

And for all you know, it could be a mouse. I bet some of you have mice stories or a big fat cockroach. I was recently in Florida for a little vacay. And I came home and I started unpacking my clothes from my little suitcase and out plopped a giant Florida cockroach. Okay, in Los Angeles, the cockroaches are small. They're like little guys. In Florida, they're like the size of a tampon or something.

They're huge. And all of a sudden, this freeloader, this stowaway, was hiding in my suitcase. I guess I had left it open when I was in Florida, and it crawled in. and I zipped it up and I got a free ride from coast to coast and that's got to suck because it's like it gets a free ride it lands, it gets out of the suitcase and stomp it's dead

it didn't even get to go to like the you know the Hollywood Walk of Fame it didn't even get to see the beach it didn't even get to do any of the tourist stuff the wax museum or the or the footprints in the cement didn't get to see the hot. Hollywood sign, Venice Beach, nothing, just welcome to Los Angeles, stomp. Sorry, dude. But you should have bought your own ticket or you should ask me if you can come along for the ride.

So anyways, little household tip from me, shake the crap out of your clothes. If they've been laying on the floor and make sure there ain't no critters in them. Good Lord. All right, so shaking off the willies. Let's get to something that makes us shiver and shake that's positive. How about that? Last podcast, I believe it was the last one of the one before, I played a little comedy clip that I did,

live stand-up comedy, wherein I was just goofing around on stage, and I let you guys hear it. So this past week, I got asked to do a show, a local show here in Holly Weird, where all the spiders and scorpions and snakes live and the skunks and the squirrels. Ew. And so I got asked to do a show at one of the comedy clubs,

the world famous Laugh Factory on the Sunset Strip. And the only hook was that it was a religious show. I don't mean it was a religious show but the people, the patrons of the show it was understood that they were like Catholic and Christian and stuff like that and so the guy who put the show on a friend of mine asked me to do it

and he asked me to work primarily clean I think I dropped one or two maybe naughty words into my set but you know just kind of running with the improv of like I like to do. I kind of got into the whole vibe of this kind of Catholic Christian. And by the way, I'm Catholic and Christian, so it's all good.

These are my people, man. So I went up and did my set, and I don't know that I ever got to one joke. You know, I always go up thinking I'm going to do some of my jokes. And I'm not sure I got to one damn joke. I just ended up talking to the crowd and I ended up improvising and I kind of went off on this whole kind of as you get deeper into the set. I kind of started quoting scripture and quoting the Bible, except I don't think anything I quoted even exists in religious literature anywhere. I was just grabbing stuff out of the air and it turned out to be pretty funny. And the crowd there who was like I said, Christian and Catholic, they.

they really got a laugh out of it. So I thought I'd share it with you guys. Here it is. Yours truly yucking it up. God style. Hey everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No?

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Harland to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Good time? Hey, man. You're having a final comic to the stage, man. Look it up for Larry Green from Fresno. Hey, gang, how about a hand for my son?

Give him a hand. Give him my son a hand. See if he could sit down trying to do a show. Oh, boy, my son, unbelievable. He didn't want me to share this, but he's pre-op. He's going to be a girl in the morning. Give him a hand. hand. He's going to be a girl. Who here likes to eat? Anybody you like to eat at all?

Do you like to eat, what do you like to eat, my love? Right here, ma'am, if you could be patient, we have someone here ahead of you in the line. What do you like to eat? Pizza, so you like triangle-shaped food? You ever eat a bag of pumpkin eyes? No. Okay, well, they're triangle. Now, ma'am, what do you like to eat? You threw your hand up in the air like Rosie O'Donnell or a shrimp folk festival. What do you like to eat, love? Pasta? Okay, so what kind? Now, here's the thing.

There's a lot of different... Sir, if you can look away, I don't like your eyes. There's a lot of different types of noodles, isn't there, ma'am? There's peni. I'm going to guess. I think I know what you like, but don't say anything. There's peni. There's angel hair.

There's fettuccini. There's ravioli. I think we got us an angel hair right here. What is it? Capelis. Capelite. Well, ma'am, it's my show. Angel hair.

Give more a hand. Give more a hand. Give more a hand. So if you could close your legs, it smells. Ah. Now, How are you, my friend, all alone with the Ted Bundy eyes? Give him a hand, gang.

Let's give Stan Lee a hand, right in the second load. We got Stan Lee from the Marvel Empire. What a treat. So you like Camelie. So you like Camelini, is that what you said? Capulini. Capilini. Say, if you girls could sit down trying to do a show.

And who else likes to eat? I think I heard one more, and then we're going to pop into, I have a whole routine about it. Who else likes to eat, Annie? But there we go ahead. What do you like to gobble and snarl on now, ma'am? What do you like to snarl down in the world? Ice cream.

Okay, you don't have to get aggressive. I get the idea that someone might be cranked up on mint chocolate chips. over here. You can almost see the Rocky Road almonds rolling around in her eyes like a, you know, a slot machine over here. She went Baskin-Robbins-Cujo on me all of a time. She was like, she was like, she was like, ice cream. And there was foam coming out and psoriasis flakes. Now, what kind of ice cream? And can I guess? No, mid-choc chocolate chip. And isn't that the first thing I said? See? That's funny.

And you messed up my show, but she knows how to work at a comedy club. By the way, welcome to the Luaga factory, everyone. Isn't this fun? Am, if you could take your hand off the side of your head trying to do a show. Sir, if you could sit down immediately with the long, greasy, hippie hair on the dirty diaper. Now, maybe. Ma'am, if you could laugh when the others do, that would help me. Just when you hear them, you go with that and not on your own, like a riddler at a crack cocaine, breaking bad reunion party, right?

Man, again, if you could take your hand off the side of your head. Well, let's see. How are you all alone? You're sitting alone. He's sitting alone. Why don't you two get together, pretend you met on Farmer's Only.com and go home and write a John Deere track right through the drywall. and hit down your neighbor in the head. You know the one with the garlic bread face. Now, who else likes to eat, ma'am?

Do you ever eat, or does it make you shit? Do you ever eat, ma'am? I'm looking at you. Ma'am, you're a tiny one. That's why I'm... You probably just eat water and suck milkweed plants. What do you do, my love? Do you eat?

I do. Okay, we got an eater, gang. We got an eater. We got an eater. But this was an ant nest. I'm an eater. There's worker ants. There's Stanley, you know, there's the wasp, that stupid character you created. And then we got the eater ants. We got an eater over here. Now, what do you like to eat, Love Buck? You like peanut butter. Here we go. Ready, gang? Watch this. Crunchy

or smoothie, and I already know the answer, but you tell the crowd. Crunchy, that's exactly what I was going to say, gang. Certainly you can put your leg down off the thing. It smells like roasted Kenny Rogers chicken grease. You, out, go away watching my show. Now, here's the thing about eating. And I think we all know this. Ma'am, your eyes are blue or green? Green, okay.

And why are they green? Is that as you've ever ever had a medical explanation as to why they're green? Because this is fascinating. We're going to do a little science, and then we're going to pop right back into my act, gang. Have you ever heard the explanation of why your eyes are green? No, I'm asking you, do you know?

Because the color of your eyes has a very scientific explanation. What color of your eyes, wildfire? They're blue. Okay, blue and green. Do you know how your eyes got green? I don't know there's only 2% of the population of green eyes. 2% of the population have green eyes. You do that, didn't you wildberry, crunch teeth?

Well, here's why only 2% of the population only have green eyes. When you were a little baby, only 3% of the baby, only 3. baby, only three months old, your parents took you to a salad bar and grinded your face into a bowl of lettuce. And only 2% of all adults do that. So that's why your sunglasses are on the top of your head. How come? Would you have eyes on your head like a creeped-out unicorn with cornucopia grease? Who's? Have you seen me on TV before, sir? No. No. No. All right, right here, guy.

Just another quick. I'm over here if you want to see the other side of me. Now, let's get into my whole routine about eating. Do you like to eat, ma'am, back here? What's your favorite dish, my love, sir? Right here, we're going to find out what are favorite dishes, Guy. So if you can take your arm off the chair while I talk to the nice lady. What's your favorite dish, love, bud?

What is it? Spaghetti. Spaghetti. Here we go. Now, there's all kinds of different types of noodles in the past world. There's angel hair, there's rigatoni, there's whatever the hell one you made up on Avatar. What is your favorite noodle? And this is going to tie into my routine when I eventually pop into my act in about 10 minutes. What is your favorite man? Angel hair. Remember I said it earlier? You ever seen one of those videos where a guy has a basketball and he bounces it off?

the roof, then he bounces it off the garage door, then he bounces off the stupid kid's giant forehead, and it goes right into the net? Guess who bounced angel hair off of you, off of Stan Lee, off of a manga-eyed potato bug boy, right onto her, angel hair. Remember I said it earlier, blue eyes? Do you know why you have blue eyes? Someone grinded your face into a bowl of blueberries when you're three years old. Why do you like angel hair? And I think I know, right? We know, because you can eat it, but it's so thin when you're done your meal,

you can floss your teeth with the very last strand. Isn't that fun? Give her a hand. She loves angel hair, gang. And I think everyone knows tonight we're going to a Christian, Catholic-based show. Are you a Catholic or Christian guy? Catholic? All Catholic?

Christian and Catholic. Both. We got both. And isn't it fun? Now, this is the way the love. Lord works gang isn't it well if you're gonna laugh this is the way this is the way this is the way the holy host okay if you're gonna laugh uh this is the way the holy host father of the lamp works okay gang the father of the lamb holy host lord Jesus here we are doing a show

for the Chosen and what kind of pasta does Sally is your name Sally what is it Tracy well Sally was my first Sally are you a Sally okay sorry I'm gonna ask her Sally isn't it funny Sally that we're doing a show for the sweet Lord holy host of the fatherly lamb and angel. The word angel came up. Does everyone here believe in angels? Yes.

You got to believe in angels. And isn't it funny that Debbie and Sally said angel hair passed up? Ma'am, if you could not rip things during my show, that sounds like Satan flapping his wings. No, doesn't it sound like I'm here talking about angels of the light, and she's making Satan noises

by ripping it. You know, it's kind of, you know, I'm at the Luog factory trying to do my thing. But here's the thing. Sir, if you could not look at your credit card, I'm trying to do a show. Now I see you have a cane, sir, and I'm just going to talk about the cane real bit, because remember what the Lord said, holy is the me who come unto me unto the house of thy savior, for thou shall feed the meat, and the mild shall not suffer the babies. Matthew 32.

And here we have Stan Lee with a cane. Now, can we talk about why you have a cane, and then I'm going to pop into my act in about 15 minutes. Why do we have a cane, Stan? I need it, man. You need it, and what happened to your leg? Obviously, his leg is a little weak, and weakened is the tepid, say I'm to you, Matthew 49.

Why is your leg weak to stand? It's your back. The Lord just popped his pain from his leg into his back right now. Give him a hand. Well, if you could not walk in front of my routine, I'm trying to talk to them. Okay. It's fun. I like your earrings, man.

They're wonderful. They're dream catchers, right? Well, I don't know what that means. It's kind of a, you know, a... Wiggly, waggaly. You ever seen one of those water wiggles when you, anyone have a water wiggle in there, a kid? Remember? What are they? Menistroni, Margaret. Here we go. If you could say it a little louder so the people hiding in the back, like little baby koalas and a burnt eucalyptus street, you can hear what you're saying. A little louder, nice and loud.

You attach it to the garden hose and the pressure makes it wiggle and waggle. That's why it's called the wiggle wangle. Ma'am, did you have a comment? You saw your hand go up, like Rosie O'Donnell, milking a baby calf at a field couple of festivals. So one more time, we were rudely interrupted. Someone threw their hand in the air for no particular reason. Maybe she has Tourette's arm. I don't know.

But if you could just, a little louder, tell us what a wiggle-woggle is over here. Ma'am, if you could pay attention here, I know you're all full of peanut butter and went to blast a mushroom cloud out on everyone, but tell us again how the wiggle woggle works ma'am here we go king you attach it to the garden hose and the pressure of the water comes through the hose causes it to a wiggle waggle in the air it wiggles and waggles right and remember this the lord soth when he was walking along the desert

through farstone he said remember thou shall come to the house of the lamb if thou are thirsty thou shalt kneel and the Lord, she'll give us thine liquid wiggle-woggle-woggle sauce. So give her a hand. Isn't she Satan? Satan does not live within this one, but the Ripper does. Sir, if again, could you put your elbow down off the chair? I try to do a show, and then when you do that, it makes me think you're in a Mack truck and your arms hanging out, and maybe there's a, you know, a baby lamb goes across the road, and you elbow it in the face like a hockey player, and its eyes get bongled, and then people, think it's not a baby cow anymore but it's a baby hammerhead shark and then

they'll run over it because people hate sharks give them a hand a shark hunter in the crowd you know what's that love sharks are good sharks are good who agree okay I've just been heckled let's acknowledge the hackle that's what we call an aquamarine heckle I've been heckled with sea life which you don't usually get. It's rare you get, every one time I was doing a show in Nova Scotia and I go, hey, there's a squid guy, and squids as we don't live in the water. But she just helped me and said, sharks are good. Explain, and then we'll pop into my eye. They're what? They're going to stinkling?

Hold on, man, if you can sit down, we're trying to. Established sharks are good. Beth, you could stop chitter-chattering. Don't eat the chips up, ma'am. Lord Seth Chips shall wake from the divine spirit, Percibles and a phrymeldehyde. Now, sharks are good, is what I'm hearing. Stan, I bet a shark, you won't think a shark was good if a shark ate your leg, right?

Right? What if a shark bit into his back? He's already experiencing pain. Guess what? Stan Lee doesn't think sharks are good. Have you ever seen a comic book called Shark Man? No. Because he's not going to write about sharks. He's going to write about the Incredible Hulk. Spider-Man, the Fantastic Four, and your favorite, Invisible Woman, because she sneaks into movie theaters and does silent popcorn farts. But sharks are good, and I'm going to make a prediction, green eyes, okay? Green eyes. I predict that your favorite shark is the hammerhead, am I right? No. The Mako, the Mako shark, the lemon shark, the great white shark, racist. You found the racist. Great white shark.

How about that? Give my sister hand. Isn't she great? She's pre-up. She's going to be a guy in the morning. Give her a hand. Now let's get to my first joke, gang. Here we go. Oh, is this our... Am I done? No. No? How much time do I have? Because I've got to time out my first joke. Huh? I saw the light thing a little bit. The light came on.

And that's what happened to the four Jesuits when they were lost in the desert. When the four Jesuits were lost in the desert. And Paul turned to Matthew and said, upon to the child of the swaddling cloth, he said, for there art thou light in thine distant hill, and thou shalt go forth into the light. For it is in the light that the Holy Lamb

shall suffer the ratitude of coronas. Who likes KFC and then we're going to pop into my first joke. You like KFC and you like sharks. You ever think about just eating a shark? Why do we go to KFC

and ask for chicken? What do we really like? like the skin why do we just go into KFC yeah give me a big fat bucket of skin there pimple face because they always have pimple faces right because they're frying over the grease all day and then not just the pink red pimples but the big stand you know the big pussy ones the big and you go give me some big bucket of skin there pimple face and then they get so worked up that they start you know they start pulsing like a like an

electric bug light at a Fresno trailer park or under Rosie O'Donald's arm pitch. And these zits pop like your wiggle woggle over at the Donny Osmond's horse teeth bar. Why don't we just get real and go, come on, give me a bucket of skin, okay? Screw the chicken. And I know we're not supposed to swear on this show, but I said screw. And you can interpret that as screw as in the Lord Seth Thou shalt compulate, which is commandment number nine. The Lord said thou shalt not compulate. Or you can take it as a silvery object you'll see in any aisle at Home Depot.

So you take it any way you want it. Madam, if you could stop playing with your feet trying to do a show. How much time do I have left, because I feel like my labia is getting dry hair. How much time? A minute or two. What's that? Oh. Did you hear the voice from above, yeah?

When Joseph wandered through the Holy Land, he hearth unto him the swaddling cloth of thy baby lamb, and he said, listen unto the heavens for the voice of the great swanour. the great swaddler calls and Moses came unto thee and said what'd you say I said one or two minutes ago one or two minutes and that's me doing God I shouldn't do it because maybe sir the elbow off the chair I tried to do my big closer I thought how can I close this show how about I do the voice of God who which of you wouldn't love And I go, good, whatever I said.

And then this guy throws his elbow up and blast me. Okay, I think I don't have time for my one joke. I think I'm out of time. I had one joke I was going to do. Right at the beginning, I set it up about eating, and I never got to because you people interrupted me so much. Right? Are you disappointed guy?

I tell you what, what's your address? because I believe in miracles and I think everyone in this audience believes in miracles right so would it be a miracle gang if I'm my way home from Arby's tonight I took a left turn to his house and as we read

in Joseph Palm 5 Matthew number 7 for the roast beef shall stand at the end of thine bed and collect cholesterol formaldehyde. And I'm going to end on those deep and wonderful thoughts. Thank you so much. God bless.

Thank you for the wonderful set, Lord. The Lord guided me through this set. I get grace. Thank you. I give thanks to this audience, Lord. Give my son a hand. He's free up. He's going to be a girl in the morning.

Give him a hand. Larry Green. Not my beginning. Larry Green, from Fresno. I usually go up on stage when I do local shows just by a fake name just because I like the anonymity. And I just, I don't know, just a psychological thing. I like to go up with no preconceived.

notions in my head about who I am or what I am or what I've done. I'm just like there's nobody from a small town and my job is to make you laugh. So it clears my head and it allows me to just freeform like that and not feel the pressure to be, you know, Mr. Tonight Show set or Mr. HBO special comedy guy, you know. So it's fun and obviously that was a rambling, uh, rambling set that I did. but I, you know, I had fun with the people there. You could hear them laughing. I threw in the religious element and they got a kick out of it.

And there was that one moment where I called a girl Satan. What she was doing is she signed her credit card shit. And then she started ripping it up and it was like, and I could hear it. And I said, ma'am, it sounds like Satan flapping his wings. Stop it. So all kinds of goofy stuff going on. I like that girl I got her to say the water wiggle.

thing out loud like three times and she just didn't get it that I was messing. I don't think anyone got it that I was messing with them the whole set. I didn't end up getting to one joke. The only new joke that I wanted to try in that set was I've been goofing around with the whole Kentucky fried chicken thing. Like, why don't we just go in and buy skin instead of the chicken meat? Because if you're like me, you just eat the skin and throw the chicken away, right? So right at the end, I kind of got to that.

And that was it. The rest of it was just me meandering and talking to a room full of strangers for 20 minutes. So there you go. And speaking of religious stuff, yeah, there's someone, Roger says there's a priest that's been listening on the phone to the show. And he's not happy with me going to, like, mocking the religious stuff. I wasn't mocking it. I was having fun with it.

okay rogers telling me in my earpiece don't tell me tell him okay uh okay well why don't we put the father through and we'll let him talk about you know he can he can deal with me directly i'm not afraid to talk to him because i wasn't doing anything weird okay so here we go we're taking a call i don't even know his name i'll ask him on the air and uh we'll get into i guess we're getting into religion here uh roge okay let's do it Put them through. Uh, hello there. Uh, is there, hello?

Hello. Yeah, hello, uh, sir, how are you? Hello, Harland, how are you? Uh, I'm good, and I understand this is, uh, is it, is it, uh, a father of the cloth? That's right. Uh, my name is Father Colin McFaieh, and I'm from our lady of the Holy Immaculate. and I was listening it on your show today, Harland. Well, thank you, Father.

I, you know, but just I don't want to get defensive right out of the gate, but I would like to say that if you were listening to the bit where I was kind of having fun with the audience there, it was a religious crowd, but we were all having a good time. I just want to put that disclaimer out there, so you're not upset. Well, it's not to me who's upset, Harland. It's the dark Lord Lucifer, Satan himself, who's going to be coming for your soul. Whoa, sorry?

Well, Harlan, you know, blasphemy is in the Bible. It talks about, thou shalt not blasphets, the Lord Seth, for thou shall end in the eternal pit of fiery brimstone for eternal sealing of thine an internal soul. Um, well, uh... And so, I heard you mocking the people in the crowd, and I heard you having fun with them, Ireland, and, you know, it's all, it's all tits and giggles, as they say,

as they said at the monastery, it's all tits and giggles. That, at your monastery, they said it's tits and giggles? I said, did I say tits and giggles? Yes, you just said tits and giggles. I meant chips and giggles. We ate lots of chips and we giggled. Okay. So it's all tits and giggles until Satan comes up from the nether world

and reaches his long red arm down your throat, grabs your soul, twists it around like a raw parapheropian tubes, and thrusts it up through your throat and rips it out of the back of your neck, Harland. Okay, look, I was just, you know, having a little innocent fun with the people that were at the show. I don't think I deserve eternal damnation for that, Father McFrayhy.

Yeah, Colin McFrahy, from our lady of holy immaculate. Well, I don't think I deserve to be admonished in this way, Father. It's a little severe, isn't it? Well, you know, you have a choice in life, son. You can go right or you can go wrong, and clearly you've gone way wrong on this one. And I can almost hear Satan getting up off his ruby red toilet

and coming for your dirty, dirty, bacteria, maggot-clustered soul. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. No, no, no. Listen, if you, if you, if you play it back, I was just kind of what we call jiving and kind of just street-talking with the folks in the crowd. And you can hear they were laughing. And we'll be able to hear their laughter, too, down in the fiery brimstone of Satan's hell. Listen, no No, nobody's going to hell

Oh, suddenly You're the judge in the jury, are you Taken over for the sweet Lord Savior, God himself Sounds like somebody's prejudged their own destiny In eternity And I think

In a real world, Harland, we're going to leave that To the Lord God, the Holy Lamb himself Well, I don't know come on i don't know that i i believe in this stuff going going into the burn i believe people can be bad in life and they can be good and oh you've been bad you've been very very bad and you're one of the devil's concubines aren't you no i'm not one of the devil's concubines good lord well what's your name then my name you just said my it's harland and your last name

Williams? And what's the last letter in your last name, son? William S, S. And do you know who else has the letter S in their name? I don't know who you're talking about. Satan. Satan has the last name, F in his name. Satan.

I don't know if you watch Sesame Street, Harlan, but if you do, S is for Satan. Okay, you know what, I'm not going to be scared and intimidated. I'm not going to go through life walking on eggshells that, you know, everything I do, everything I say is going to get me a direct ticket to hell. Well, you know, Holland, you meet people in your life and you get a sense for them. And as a pastor, as a father of the cloth, I meet many people, and I look. them in the eye and I shake their hand and I counsel people in the community. People look to me

for support and encouragement and as a result, Harland, I get to know people. I can look into their hearts, into their minds, into their souls and it's almost as if God himself can direct me as to what their passage is in life. Okay. And I hear your smug, cocky, voice on your podcast or whatever you call it. It's a podcast. And I can tell just by listening to you, Harland, that

you're going straight to burning fiery goddamn hell. Father, would you stop that? Okay, for your information, I'm a believer in God, and therefore I also believe in the devil,

and I don't need someone, especially a man of God. telling me that my pathway has been preordained and I'm going to hell. I didn't say you were going to hell, Ireland. I said you were going to... Strange hiring kit and I'm trying to torture and blitzed up fire. And I'm trying to suffer here. Okay, you know what?

I think you're overdoing it here, Father Maffaee. It's Father McCrae. I think I told you that, Arland. Well, listen I don't want to be I feel like you're coming on here and intimidating me and scaring me and I don't know why

When was the last time you made a friendly financial donation to the church Ireland? A donation? You know, a donation to support your local clergy? I don't know. I probably when I went to church. a Christmas years ago, I put a little something in the collection plate. Interesting.

And I wonder if that little something you put in the collection plate would be enough to buy a $4 bus ticket straight out of Satan's fiery brimstone hell underneath the earth's cross wheel. So we'll be pulled apart with pitchwalk for eternity. What that? What are you implying here, Father McFahey? It's Father McFey-Horland, and what I'm suggesting is what I suggest to many of my parishioners is that, you know, perhaps a slight, small, simple, reasonable donation to the church would perhaps be in your best interest. Wait a minute. Are you trying to tell me that if I'm

make a quote-unquote small cash donation to the church my my soul will be preserved for eternity and not go to hell oh you can interpret it as you will the lord works in many different ways harland you know this this sounds a bit like a shakedown to me this is this is the kind of tactics that the mob uses they they go into a store and they're like hey you give us some money every month, or we're going to make sure your store's safe. And if you don't give us money, well, we can't promise your legs won't be broken in the alley. Hmm. Never heard of this island. Now, if we could get back to what we're talking about, a simple, you know, nice little donation,

a respectable donation, maybe in the Lue, the... the three or four or five figures? Excuse me? Yeah, maybe something with a few zeros behind it. What do you mean zeros behind it? Maybe three zeros, maybe, maybe even four zeros. What the hell are... Don't say hell to me, young whippersnapper.

Oh, you don't say hell to a man of the cloth. all you do that's that's you're opening the poor way to satan's hole in the bottom of the earth and you'll come up there highland and he'll grab you by the you know what he's and pull you down like a golf ball being sucked into satan's a total hell for her father you are creeping me out can i say that Well, I don't know if I would say it if I were you I'm afraid it wouldn't look good when you got to the final resting spot at the pearly gates

At the pearly gates Where you'll be judged by the Holy Father, Holy hosts And I wouldn't want to be you Going down into the fiery pits of burning You know what? I don't like where this is going, okay? Well, why don't you just send me some money? Send me lots of money.

Send me money. You can burn inside of Satan's womb like his unborn child and eat his percent on. God! What the... Who was that, Roger? Was that even a real priest? That is freaky crap, man. That guy.

Holy shit. I'm too rattled even. Get them off. God. It's enough. Time to wrap up the show with that freak. Going to hell. Good God.

Let's do some announcements and get the heck out of here. I don't even want to say the hell word now. I'm too scared. Um, so stand-up comedy. Yes, if you live in Spokane, Washington, which I know you do, all of you, I'm going to be at the Spokane Comedy Club. That's right, the Spokane Comedy Club, where I'll be doing some spoken word. No, I won't. I'm not doing Spokane word. I'm doing stand-up comedy. Uh, that's going to be, uh, this week, gang. Are you excited? October 18, 19, and 20, 18, 19, and 20.

And then in November, November 1st, 2nd, and 3rd, I'll be back in Washington at the Tacoma Comedy Club. So Spokane, and then Tacoma. So Spokane this weekend, October 18, 19, 20, and November 1st, 2nd and 3rd, for Tacoma and then mid-November, November 15, 16, 17. Yours truly is in Irvine, California, which is in Orange County, just south of L.A., about a 50-minute drive south of L.A., great club, Irvine, California. And check it out. Those are the only stand-up gigs I have for the rest of the year.

I'm kind of taking some, I'm dialing back the stand up a little bit to work on some writing projects that I can't tell you about just yet. But I'm writing a couple of movies. I'm writing a couple of TV shows. And until they're up and I have a confirmation as to when and where they're going to be shown, I don't like to talk about it because then if it doesn't get shown or it doesn't make it to air or to a screen, you just feel like an idiot. But in the background, when I'm not doing this

and doing my other things, I'm writing, right now I'm writing two feature movies. I'm writing on three different TV shows. And I've been writing on two other feature movies, doing a punch-up. So the two movies I'm working on now, I'm writing the whole movie. The other three movies I worked on was punching them up. That's when you take an existing script and you go over it and you add jokes and you change the story and change things around to try and make it work better. So I'm just writing my little tushy off, man.

I'm a writing machine. But it's fun, it's imaginative, and it's creative, and I'm enjoying it. So, but it is cutting into my stand-up tours a little bit, but as you just heard, I'm still getting them in there. So don't worry, I'm not stopping. If you want to phone me, you know the number. 3-2-3-739-4330, 3-3-3-3-3-3-3. If you want to leave me a massage about anything, if you want to tell me about the creepy crawlers that shake out of your clothes when you shake them.

Yuck. You can do that. Or you can write me at harlandwilms.com. And you can also go to our store at harlunwilms.com. It's interesting. I did another podcast recently. My friend Bobby Lee, who's a comedian, he had me on his podcast, which I recommend you listen to.

It's called Tiger Belly. Bobby's a young, a vivacious Korean boy, and he's super funny. I love this guy, and he honored me by having me on his podcast, Tiger Belly. And he has quite the following, a bigger one than I do, and he started asking me about a movie that I had written and directed and put him in. Bobby was gracious enough to be in the movie. It's called Fudgy Wudgee Fudge Face, and it's a movie. on DVD only and Bobby and I Bobby asked me all about it on his podcast and ever since he brought it up people have been ordering this movie like crazy from the Harland Williams.com web store and it's on

DVD which it surprises me even more because I didn't think people had DVDs anymore so if you want to watch fudgey wudge face I always call it the stupidest movie ever made because it's super Silly, if you like bizarre humor, fudgy, wudgy, fudge phase, we'll mail it out to you. I think it's $12 and shipping and handling, and that's in the store at harlandwiliams.com. Also, you can become a premium member when you're at Harlanwilums.com. Click on the podcast link. And for $20 a year, you can get every single episode we've ever done of the Harland Highway. And we are really coming close to a thousand.

This is number nine hundred and sixty-four. Can you believe it? Oh, my God. So we are almost at a thousand. That's more than most podcast, ladies and gurgle-nargans. Wow. And, well, you're at Harlowenwiams.com. Those comedy gigs that I mentioned, you can go to the stand-up comedy link

and reserve your tickets ahead of time if you want to buy them online. So you're not disappointed. Ed. And another good news, season two of puppy dog pals started just last Friday on the 12th and very excited about puppy dog pals. Season two kicking off 60 new episodes this year. First season there was 50. This season, there'll be 60. And then we're already starting work on season three. Oh, my God. Season three of puppy dog pals. So, a lot going on, gang. Thank you to everyone who watched and is watching the pals and enjoying it with their children. I can't tell you, even a lot of the comedians I work with have kids. And they all come up to me and say, oh, my God, my kids love your Bill Burr.

Bill Burr tells me his kids are addicted to puppy dog pals and other fun comedians with kids. It's nice to see, man. So there you go. I think that's it for today, Raj. Everybody be good. Stay on the right side of the Lord, by all means. And I hope you're having a good time out there,

whatever you're doing in the world. Be safe, be smart, be sexy. And until next time, chicken. Chau-Main, baby? And I wouldn't want to be you going down into the fiery pits of burning.