The Harland Highway - 965 - Harland and Luke Skywalker in Twitter challenge. Interview with a VAMPIRE. Who's your political party?

Episode Date: October 22, 2018

Harland and Luke Skywalker in Twitter challenge. Interview with a VAMPIRE. Who's your political party? And, scary babies from the CRYPT! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Use the force, Luke. Yeah, you better use the force. Wait, do you hear what happened? I had some correspondence with yours truly Mark Hamill, aka Luke Skywalker. Me and him got into a little Twitter thing, and you're going to hear about it at the end of the show. I'm going to read you the tweets that went between Luke Skywalker,

the real Luke Skywalker, Mark Hamill, and myself. So this will be cool. Also, in keeping with Halloween tradition, a really crazy news story that's actually really creepy and kind of scary. I was kind of, it's one of those ones that makes the hairs go up on your arm when you read about it. Kind of funky, right? And then speaking of Halloween, we are actually going to talk to a real-life vampire. People think that they're just in the movies, but there are real vampires out there. They exist in the world.

They lust blood, and they lust the darkness and the shadows, and they're just freaks. And we got one calling in. Roger tells me it's a real vampire. So this will be fascinating for Halloween. And then lastly, do you want anyone to know who you vote for in an election? Well, guess what? The government wants to know who you vote for. I'm going to fight that notion.

It's all here today on the Harlan Highway. I have an announcement to me You're about to go down the Harland Highway Lock the door I don't want to be a product of my environment I want my environment to be a product of me You're riding down the Harlan Highway

So, put off the fuck to get off this phone I can get y'all. Maybe? Maybe not. Maybe fuck yourself. Ha! You're a cantaloupe. Dagon. Dagon. Dagon. All right, hold tight on the Holland Highway show.

I'm ashamed, big daddy. That's why I'm a drunk when I'm drunk, I can stand myself. Keep bleeding on that tutor, Charlie, and you're gonna get a shot in the mouth. Act like a man! What's a man? I wasn't really sure what was going on. You're listening to Harlan Williams. The rest is bullshit, and you know it.

Now, speaking of bullshit, do we believe in vampires? Are they real? Or are they BS? And I thought, you know, since we're creeping up on Halloween here, like we're real close to Halloween, like next week, uh, do lo-oh? I thought maybe we should kind of get the scariness started with a crazy news story that I think might to make your hair stand up on end.

Roger hit the theme for the crazy news story. Here we go. The Harland Highway. Crazy news story. That's weird. Wow. That's strange stuff. All right.

Here it is. I hate to terrify you right out of the gate, but here's the crazy news story headline for pre-Hallowing jitters. Here it is, ready? Vampire. Vampire child discovered buried in 5th century Italian cemetery. Ooh. Cue the scary music, Raj.

Ooh. That is kind of creepy, though, for real. Like a vampire child buried. And here's where it gets a little creepy. I'll read the story. The remains of a 10-year-old biting on a stone have been unearthed by archaeologists in a 5th century Italian cemetery, evidence suggesting a vampire burial to prevent the child's return from the dead.

Ooh! In northern Italy, where the deserts, Discovery was made, they're calling it the Vampire of Lugano. Yikes. I don't know if I like a vampire that's named after a pasta dish. Yeah, I can bring me some vampire of Lugano. Put some extra sauce on that, please. Yes, red sauce, of course.

Vampire. Do you think I want the Afredo sauce? No, the red sauce. Put blood on it. I don't care. Quote, say some of the archaeologists. I've never seen anything like it. It's extremely eerie and weird.

And the evidence collected from the bones suggest the child was infected with malaria at the time it died. The ritual burial is thought to be a way to prevent the child from returning to spread the disease. The remains are the ones. latest unusual discovery to emerge from the cemetery of children, a site containing dozens of

children's bodies and evidence of witchcraft, including toad bones, raven talons, and bronze cauldrons. The cemetery was previously believed to only hold babies, toddlers, and unborn fetuses. Ew! That's kind of scary. I mean, I feel bad for the youngsters, but it's a baby cemetery and they put a stone in there's a picture of the skull in the earth and in the mouth the jaws are pried open and there's a big like rock like the size of a hockey puck almost in the mouth of the skull it's very eerie given the age of this child in its unique disposition with the stone placed within his or her mouth,

it represents at the moment an anomaly with an already abnormal cemetery, said David Pickle, a doctoral student at Stanford, who is an excavation director. Did his last name have to be Pickle? First we've got the Italian dish, and now we got the pickle. This graveyard's turning into a golden,

Corral. Dr. Pickle added, this just further highlights how unique the infant or now rather child cemetery at Lugano is. Although the 10-year-old's remains

have not yet undergone DNA testing, the child had an abscessed tooth. A side effect of malaria. It's, well, maybe it wasn't an absente tooth. Maybe it was a vampire fang. How about that? Call it an abscess tooth. How about we just call it what it is? Vampire teeth.

It also suggests he or she may have also fallen victim to the disease of malaria. The child was one of five new burials uncovered at the cemetery over the summer. Yeesh. So there you go, a little crazy. The stone in the mouth. Ugh So I don't know, man What's interesting is like

That they believed in all this stuff Way back then I guess that's where it kind of started Right? The whole vampire thing What's that, Raj? Oh, really? Oh, this is interesting

Because there is a... Okay, Roger's saying We have a vampire calling in Or someone who claims to be a vampire. Okay. I guess, I guess, you know, there is a vampire culture in North America and around the world. There are people that feel they are the descendants of vampires.

Some of them even partake in vampire rituals. Some people, and these are real people, some people actually drink blood. Some people actually have their teeth filed and chiseled down to represent fangs. So there's this real kind of underground, dark culture of people who get off on the vampire culture or believe that they are the descendants of vampires or, in fact, real vampires. It's a little eerie. Be careful when you're tindering or bumbling that you don't become the victim of a bloodthirsty vampire. So is this person on the phone?

Oh, this will be fascinating. Okay, this is perfect for Halloween. Okay, let's end the crazy news story and get to the, well, I don't want to say crazy person. The last thing I need is a bat flying in my house tonight and sucking me dry. Good. Well, let's go to the phones. Let's put this person through and we'll get all the info during the phone call.

And this will be exciting. Here we go. A real live quote unquote. quote, a vampire. Hello, to whom am I talking to today? Hello. Hello, yes, hello. Who's there?

Hello, how are you today, Mr. Williams? Oh, good, good. Our producer Roger thought for Halloween, it might be of interest to our listeners to talk to a real-life, quote-unquote, vampire. Uh, is this, is this real what I'm hearing? Well, I think maybe your, uh, your producer is absolutely correct, Mr. Williams. Wow. Okay. This is a kind of, uh, exciting and a little weird. Uh, you know, most of us think of vampires as mythical creatures, fictional creatures in the, in the horror movies.

Well, that's, that might be, but that's, that's not what I am, Mr. Williams. I am a direct descendant. of Dragul from Transylvania. I'm sorry? Dragul, Dragula, a Greek descendant of Dragul from the hills, the ancient hills of Transylvania. Wow, Dragul. That's just another way of pronouncing Dracula, right?

That is correct, Mr. Williams. Okay, well, you know, hearing your voice, it kind of falls into that kind of, I don't take this is an insult, sir. By the way, what is your name, sir? My name is Ed Sanderson. Ed Sanderson? Correct.

Okay, and what's that in the background, Ed? That is the slot machines, Mr. Williams. I'm in Reno, Nevada. You're at a casino, sir? Yes, sir. Okay. You're a direct descendant of Dragul. Drygoula. And you're gambling? I'm playing the slot machine.

I like to play the one-armed bandit, what they say. Okay, and let's get into the mythology of the vampire culture here. Now, you can hear it in your voice, kind of what we all kind of know and understand as kind of the vampire and reflection. But is that a telltale thing? Does that give you away to people? Not really, Mr. Williams. You know, it's not like I walk around in a black cape and blood dripping out of the side of my mouth. I, you know, I dress normally just like anyone else. Yeah, I didn't think you walked around with a black cape. And I don't have my hair parted in the middle, and I'm out in the sunlight all the time.

So it's, you know, lots of the vampire mythology that you hear, it's not exactly accurate. It's made up, it's fabricated. It's a fantastical. Yeah, yeah, well, of course, yes, of course, Ed. I didn't really think that you were out there, you know, running around in the middle of the night, flying in people's windows and sucking their blood. Well, you know, I do like to suck. Pardon me, sir?

I like to suck things, you know, maybe it comes from my heritage, my onset and dry ghoul in Transylvania Hills. What do you mean you like to suck things, sir? Well, when I was a child, I used to love to suck a lollipops, you know, and then when I got a little order, I love to suck ice cream cones. Oh, okay, I thought you meant you like to suck blood. No, I don't just suck a blood. I suck a lollipops and ice cream colds and my finger sometimes. Okay, not that... Not not that's scary, really. No, it's not scary at all. Okay, sir, that that laugh sounded a little forced there.

What do you mean? It's by the way I laugh. I'm a vampire. You know, in this voice I'm here, and it's just sounding a little more and more like, is this for real? Yes, I'm a vampire. My great ancestor, Dragoor. Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. And your name's Ed Sanderson. That is correct, Mr. William. U-A.

What was that right there, the U-A thing? I don't know. It's what I do. It's scary. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes. Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority plus 100%. free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy, I will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and fast. Don't wait, Better Sex is just a click away.

That's 50% off, one item, and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or anything. you desire. Just enter the offer code Harland to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Sir, are you really a vampire for God? That just sounds

a little bit like a put-on here. All right, you got me, Mr. Williams. Jesus Christ, you know, your producer called me and said, you know, he'd send me a $100 gift certificate to Olive Garden if I just called in and, you know, talked about this stuff. Wait a minute. What happened to the voice? Yeah, that was just, you were right.

That was a put-on. I'm not really, you know, I'm not really talking like that, but I do, you know, I do. Do you have some vampire stuff in my, uh, in my, in my, in my family. You do? Yes, I do, sir. What, what do you really do? What do you, where do you work? I, uh, work at a furniture store in the east end of town, uh, Kyle's, uh, sofas, mattress.

If you need a, if you need a mattress, uh, I can hook you up, that 10% off all this month, uh, fall fantastical. No, I don't need a mattress, sir. We, we're trying to do a, uh, we're trying to do a mattress. a scary segment here, and I'm looking at my notes, and Roger, who I'm glaring out through the window right now, he said that you were a direct descendant of a vampire. Well, that is true. I went on Ancestry.com, and, you know, 15 generations removed, I do have a little, little 0.1.1% vampire blood in me from the, you know, dragoor. And that part was real.

One point, what? Are you kidding me, sir? What have you ever done that it's like a vampire? Well, you'd be surprised how, you know, things get passed through the bloodline. You know, I went out, this was probably just about three weeks ago. I was out at a business dinner. where Dave Waterson was in from Miami Beach, and we took him out to talk about the new, you know, pine line of furniture, the Scotch Pide. And, you know, I probably should have covered this up more, but right in front of everyone at the steakhouse,

I ordered a medium rare steak. Okay. Yeah, and, you know, you can clearly see blood. You know, not a lot, but, you know, when they just, it's medium rare, but it's on the side of rare, and there's blood that kind of, you know, it still hasn't really been cooked out of the meat, and it gets out, and you've seen it, it kind of drips into your mashed potatoes and whatnot, so I think, you know, the people I was at dinner with at Ruth Chris Steakhouse can vouch for my vampireness.

What are you taught? Sir, you're not a vampire because you get a, steak that's medium rare. Well, shit. You know, I ate it all. I ate the steak and I ate the mashed potatoes. They were covered in blood. And I don't think if you, you know, to me that's vampire stuff. No, it's not.

Everybody does that. Now, it also says you were caught sucking some blood, some human blood. Well, okay, there you go. See? Would a normal person suck human blood? I would hope not, but what was your situation? Well, I was at the office, and I was at the photocopier, and I'm rushing to get some, you know, catalog items printed up, and in my haste, I got a nasty paper cut, and, you know, those things sting

like the mother of all Jesus, and I started, you know, it started bleeding, and I started licking my finger and sucking the blood out, and my great-great-grandfather, or Dragoo would have been proud, I'm sure. Sir, everybody put... Are you telling me you think you might be a vampire because you sucked on a paper cut? Well, you know, blood is blood, sir. It wasn't open wound,

and I do have, according to ancestry.com, one point... We know how much... No, no, you're not getting away with that. You don't lick a paper cut. You can be cut by a bush or you can be cut by anything. Most people's natural reaction is to put the cut in their mouth to try and stem the bleeding. Well, you know, I was doing it. I was sucking on it.

I mean, I was licking it. I was doing it right in front of people. And, uh, come on. No, no, come on. Now, there was a story here. And Roger, this better not, I'm even afraid to ask about this. But there, there's a story here. that you were involved in some kind of car crash.

And according to eyewitnesses, there was just blood everywhere. Now, is that vampire-related? Well, there was blood. You know, it was pouring in the street. It was all over me. I was rich. Did you ever see that movie, Carrie? Where at the high school prom, they dump a bucket of blood on her, and that's me.

And if that doesn't scream vampire to you, I don't know what does. I mean, I was just coated in it. My skin was red. From a car accident? Yeah, there was a blood bank truck. You know, these trucks that go through the community and do the blood drives, and I guess I wasn't looking. I was texting or something.

I rammed right into one, and holy God, blood everywhere. Okay, sir. That's not your, that's not blood that you see. sucked like a vampire that you hit a truck that was carrying big amounts of blood and it got all over you yeah well it why don't we rephrase that it got all over a guy whose great great great great grandfather is the descended from dragoole uh you do the math the coincidence i don't think so good lord sir this is just ridiculous let me tell you another story uh we had the police come to our house once okay and is this vampire related oh you well let me

tell the story okay uh neighbors called the police and they heard a loud screaming a girl a woman screaming in my house and when the police arrived at the scene there was blood all over the upstairs hallway there was blood up and down the staircase. There was blood in the living room on the carpet. There was blood even out the front door down the steps and out to the sidewalk. So how about that? Good luck. Are you saying this is vampire activity? Somebody... No, my youngest daughter at her first period. And she... Oh my God! Sir!

Yeah, she was upstairs and it hit unexpectedly and they get the cramps. So she was screaming. screaming, and she didn't understand the blood flow coming from within her. I guess, you know, that's me and the Mrs. fault. We'd ever explain to her about, you know, Mother Nature and the first period. Sir, this is ridiculous. So she started screaming, and the neighbors heard it, and she's running around the house, leaving a blood trail everywhere. I mean, it looked like O.J. Simpson was over for tea and biscuit.

You know what I'm saying? Good luck. There was a blood trail. Right down. to the sidewalk. I mean, if that doesn't scream vampire, then I don't know what does. Sir, your daughter having her first period does not constitute you being a vampire. Well, Mr. Williams, I mean, there was a lot everywhere. I mean... Stop the phony voice.

Okay, you're not a vampire. Roger, what the hell is this waste of time? Oh, no, I'm a waste of time. Is that what you're saying? Stop the phony voice, sir. Listen, you need a new mattress, because I can get you 15% off. I don't need a new mattress, and I don't need you wasting my time with your crazy vampire stories. We were supposed to have a scary segment here, and you're just an idiot. Oh, why don't you go bend down and suck your own ass cheeks, you dirty, disgusting, fat-faced fuckload? Sir, watch your tongue.

I'll watch your tongue when I suck it right down my throat. Sir! Can I still interest you in the mattress? No, I don't want your mattress. Well, go and fuck yourself. Five ways to Thursday, you dirty pig. Yeah, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. What the shit?

Roger? Holy, holy, go to a commercial. What an idiot. God. Wow, what's that aftershave you're wearing? Do high karate after shave is so powerful. It drives women right out of their mind. That's why we have to put instructions on self-defense in every package.

High karate, the brisk splash on after-save that smooths and soothes and cools. High karate, after shave, cologne, and gift sets. Hi, karate. Be careful how you use it. Okay, so switching gears. Let's get back to something more real, okay? Let's get back to something that... Good Lord.

just something real, something grounded in the real world. And here's something that's interesting to me. This kind of threw me a little bit. It has to do with the government and how the government infiltrates our lives and, you know, does mysterious things. So I got my DMV driver's license renewal, okay? And it's one of these things where I'm allowed to do it through the mess. So I don't have to go in and stand in that long line and feel like a herded animal going to the slaughterhouse. I'm able to do it on with filling out this questionnaire and sending it in.

And one of the questions that caught me off guard, all of a sudden, it asked me about my political party reference. which is weird, right? The question was, question 6A, for U.S. citizens only, 6A, do you want to select or change a political party reference? In bracket, select only one. American Independent Party, Democratic Party, Green Party, Libertarian Party, Peace and Freedom Party. What the hell is that? That sounds great.

I don't know what it is, but that actually sounds like a reality. real party, like with people jumping around and getting naked and stuff. Republican Party. And then it says, no party. I do not want to choose a political party reference. And then it says, if you select no party, you may not be able to vote for some parties, candidates at a primary election for U.S. president or party committee. And then lastly, there was a box that says,

other. So you can check other. And that's what I checked. I checked other. And I wrote undecided. And here's what I don't like. Okay, since when is it anyone's business, which party you vote for? Okay. That's one. Second of all, why are you picking a party to vote for? I don't like this whole, well, I'm a Democrat. I'm a Republican. like that's just weird to me that you stand by a party because of it's a because it's a party um and secondly i i just am a guy that like i don't pick parties i go by what i see what i hear what information i can gather how a candidate's uh poise and insight and knowledge and everything else resonates with me.

Are they saying things that sound like they're sincere? Do they sound like political BS? Do they seem like they're a person that can accomplish what they say? Do I look back at their track record? Do I look back at their life? Do I look back at what they've accomplished so far and where they've gone to school? what kind of work they've done. Does that factor in?

Oh, yes. Does their personality factor in? Oh, yes. Does everything they are a new factor in? Oh, yes. So that being said, Lady Gargles and Durgleblurgens, is I'm not a party guy. I'm a person guy.

If I see John F. Kennedy, if I see Barack Obama, if I see Donald Trump, if I see President Carter, if I see George Bush, if I see Bill Clinton, I don't give a flying Kevin Bacon footloose what party they're with. I'm not worried about that. I'm worried about what they're saying and how sincere they seem. And if their agenda and the things they're saying seem honest and true and that it's going to push the country, the United States of America, and its citizens in the right direction.

Is it going to make life better for them? Is it going to make the more prosperous? Is it going to make them more robust as a society? Is it going to make them excel and exceed and do good things? and also how does this candidate's outlook affect the world? How does it infect the environment? How does it infect the way the world perceives us? How does it affect our interaction with the world?

And on and on and on. I can go on all day. But my point is, and I don't know how many of you listening are just like party people, And I'm not going to tell you how to think or how to feel or what to do. But I personally, and this is just my opinion, I find that short-sighted and very tribal and ineffective. You know, just because someone's in a party, do you go along with everyone in the party? Are we sheep? Are we just herded?

You know, at one point Hitler was part of a party. Oh, well, last year we had a guy who used to be a priest and a guy who, you know, worked well with the community. We voted for him last year. And this year, the new candidate is Adolf Hitler, but he's in the party I like, so I guess I'll vote for him. He's kind of a nut, you know, the stuff he's saying is a little. But that's my party.

I better not jump ship. You know? Or what if you're a Republican and you don't like Donald Trump? Or what if you're a Democrat and you don't like Hillary? Do you just stay? Oh, well, I don't like them. I don't like her. I don't think they're sincere.

I don't think they're smart. I don't think they're good. Whatever you think. Are you just going to tow the line and go along with it? I think that's idiotic in my opinion. And usually the leader of the party, and you're probably going, well, I just don't like the leader. I'm voting for the whole party, like the whole, you know,

it's more than just the leader. It's the whole party. Well, guess who steers the ship? Guess who's the figurehead of the party? It's the candidate. It's the candidates. It's the whoever's running for president is usually the one. one that, you know, moves the party the most and kind of is the captain of the ship.

So, you know, if the president, whether they be Democrat or Republican, say, oh, we want to do this, we want to do that. The party's got to kind of go along with it for the most part. And they set the tone, and they kind of set the mandate. And if you don't like it, you just go along with it. Well, that's my party. It looks like they want to Velcro children to ceiling fans. I don't like it because I have five kids, but boy, oh, boy, that's my party.

There's my Democrats. Oh, there's my Republicans. I'm not going to step away from that. Boy, oh, boy, I can't wait to see babies Velcro to ceiling fans. That's, that's my, is that safe? That's my party. I don't know, gang. And that's what I don't like about this form.

It's like they're forcing you to make allegiance to a political party. And you don't know what can happen tomorrow or the next day. And you don't want people knowing, you know, politics is sensitive. A lot of people don't want people to know. people to know what party they're with. So why is it the government's business and why does it kind of feel like you have to get locked in if you check a box?

Well, I guess I'm officially a Republican now. I kind of don't love everything they do, but I check the box, so I guess I'm in. Well, I really don't like the Democrat, some of the stuff they're doing that whole, you know, let's shoot cows between the eyes just for sport. I don't love that, but I don't love that, but I did check the box,

so I guess I've got to stand with my comrades. I don't know. Am I missing something here? I don't know. Maybe I sound like an idiot. I don't know, but I would urge people, and you can tell me to go to hell if you want. I would urge you to decide on your own, man.

Make your own choices based on what you see in here. Be fluid. Be ready to flip and flip. lop, and if you want to be a Democrat one day and a Republican the next day, or you're a Republican and you see a Democratic candidate who blows your mind and seems very reasonable or whatever turns you're crying, you should be able to go, you know what? I'm voting for that guy. And I know you can.

I'm not saying you're locked into it, but the problem is I find that people do tend to stand in a party. You know, from what I'm hearing on the news, I look at the Democrats and I look at the African-American community and all I've heard for the last number of years is the majority of all African-Americans vote Democrat. That's their party. Why? Why is that their party?

Why would you want to stay committed to a party? Go where you feel like it's the best for you. Don't just, oh, there's my party. I don't even need to read about them. I don't need to watch the news about them. What, Democrat? Okay, that's my party. Yep, they did what?

No. Can I get my vote back? You know what I mean? It's like, know what your party is. Republican, Democrat, what was the other one? Peace and Freedom Party? What the hell is that? Is that just a big, like, psychedelic boss full of pot

smokers and hippies. You know, maybe I do have to stand with a party. Maybe the Peace and Freedom Party. Can we add naked in there? How about the Peace and Freedom Naked Party? That's a party I would commit to, okay? Regardless. I don't know.

Anyways, food for thought. I would hope that people are more open and just watch. to the system. You know, these parties, they try to rope you in. They try to peg you. They try to put you in a hole. They try to stick you with them. And don't let them, man.

That's what I'm saying. Don't let them. Be independent. Be American. Be free. Keep them guessing. Be ambiguous. Don't let them know where you stand ever.

Don't let them know, you know, what you want. Because that just breeds complacent. complacency. It's like, oh, yeah, the Smith's at the end. Yeah, don't worry about them. They're hardcore. Three generations, four generations. Their whole family, Democrat. They just vote Democrat. That's who they are. Don't give them that. Don't just hand any political party that. Don't just be born and be a Republican because your parents are Republican. Don't carry the family legacy because your great-grandparents were Democrat. so you've got to, you know, you got to carry the tradition, bull crap.

My African-American friends, I would say get your head out of the dark ages, man. For God's sake, start thinking for yourselves. Don't be clumped into a big group. That's how they control you, man. That's how you get controlled when you just all blindly band together and get marched around. and I don't know why you do that. So there you go. There's my little rant to the DMV.

And I did put undecided, but what I'm going to do is I'm going to cross out undecided on my form. And what I'm going to do is I'm going to sneak some words in there, peace and freedom and naked and what else? I don't know. Fast food party, bus. um i don't know chicken wings weed crack orgies i mean is this party sounding a bit long here well if we're gonna if i'm gonna do it for life and pass it on to all the future generations

i better i better make it worth their while so there you go use your own head think for yourself Don't be led. Don't be categorized. Keep them guessing. Stay smart. And vote for who you believe in. You know, I might just run now after that. That was a very motivational, insightful rant.

I feel like a politician. I think I'm going to run. Vote for me. That's my closing statement. Vote for me. Harlem Williams. Not even president. Just how about God?

How about God of planet, of the universe? Vote for me. And I'm not even asking, I'm telling you. I'm hurting you into a line to vote for me as God. Thank you. Thank you for your support. Do it or you will be punished. Amen.

Hello? Hello? Hey, Harlan. Got a pavement ponder here. St. Louis. waiting for you. Been paying attention for a while. Don't think I've missed you.

Is there an issue why you don't like St. Louis or something wrong with the Midwest? It seems like you're kind of going all over around St. Louis. You feel like we've got a couple clothes, but yet no Harley Williams. The pavement pander's in the STL are waiting for you. Love the show. Hopefully I'll see you. Bye. All right, pavement pounders.

Since you didn't leave your name, I'll just say pavement pounder. You got me. You got me, St. Louis. And here's the update on St. Louis, okay? A, I don't hate St. Louis. I love St. Louis. In fact, I love St. Louis so much. I actually recorded one of my live comedy CDs in St. Louis.

That's right. If you're searching around, I recorded my CD Harlarious. in St. Louis, a fun, great comedy CD that I did. So mad props to the old St. Louis, baby. And here's where you might get a little chafed. I just got an offer for St. Louis. Can you believe it? I just got an offer for St. Louis like three weeks ago,

and I turned it down. But don't be mad. Hear me out. I turned it down because they wanted to bring me there in the middle of winter. I think it was like January or December or something like that. It was real recent. And I've told my agents that I don't do snow anymore.

I've learned from touring all these years that when you go to places where it's snowy and it's cold, it leads to problems. I've had planes grounded. I've had to sit for an extra hour on the tarmac because they do this thing called de-ice. you know you're already going through the airport and security and you're there two hours early and it takes forever to get everyone on and there's already delays and you're all ready to go and they're like oh yeah ladies and gentlemen looks like we got some frost and some snow on the wing so we're just going to wait here for 12 hours till the de-icing unit comes over and uh they're just going to spend nine hours spraying off the whole plane with this fuzzy green hot water and then we should be ready to go in about 15 hours from then. Okay, so it's like just too many complications, okay? Snow and winter, and it causes delays and cancellations and storms,

and on top of that, I don't like running in and out of the cold. When I go to towns to do stand-up, I have to do two mornings of early morning media. Usually it consists of three or four TV stations, or six radio stations and I'm running in and out of cars and driving and I was in a car once and the guy slipped on the snow and did a full donut on the on ramp to a highway and I'm just like, you know what, too many risk factors. Too much stuff goes wrong with snow. So don't fret. Here's where you don't fret. So I told my agent, I said, look, we're not going to do it in the know, but keep St. Louis. You're absolutely right. I haven't been there for a while.

And so I told him, keep the gig, but let's do it in the spring. So we're just working on that new date. And you will more than likely see me there in 2019, my friend, unless something comes up that I have to cancel. But yeah, so I'm hoping to get back to St. Louis really soon. And don't fret, okay? I've nothing against St. Louis. Great place. I will be back. And speaking of I will be back.

Well, I guess I don't really have anything. I was going to say, speaking of I will be back, and then I was going to go into an I will be back story. And I don't even have an I will be backstory. What the hell am I talking about? So let's move to something I do know what I'm talking about. How about this? Twitter.

Hmm? Twitter, ladies and gentlemen. Yeah, that's right. Twitter, you're going to like this. I did a tweet the other day. Just as a goof, I don't know if you're on my Twitter feed or not. But if you're not, you should get on it. It's at Harland Williams. And don't go on any of the imposter sites. If you want to get on my site, there should be the blue checkmark.

And the photo is a photo of me laying, it's just my head and a white shirt, a colored shirt, and a black tie. And that's my, that's my, my photo for my Twitter account. And if you want to join, join, because I post a lot of funny stuff and goofy stuff and people get a real kick out of it. And here's one of the things I posted recently, in fact, just like, I think yesterday. Okay, I put up a goofy tweet and, you know, I just make stuff up. I have a good time. And usually I just put them up for my viewers. I don't usually tag anyone in my tweets.

I don't know why. I just never have. But as a goof yesterday or two days ago, I just randomly had this thought in my head and I put up a tweet and it went like this. It says, official challenge to Mark Hamill. Mark Hamill is Luke Skywalker, if you don't know, the actor Mark Hamill. And then I added his Twitter handle. Okay?

Official challenge to Mark Hamill at Hamill himself. And it says, I challenge you to a lightsaber fight in our underpants with white powdered wigs on the roof of any olive garden of your choosing. Challenge expires midnight, October 25th. The world is watching, Hamill. Yeah, that was my tweet. And I just put it out there as a goof.

I didn't think anything of it. Well, guess who tweeted me back today? Much to my delight, I was actually kind of giddy about it. I mean, you know, Mark Hamill is one of my childhood. I grew up on Mark Hamill. I think I was like 13 or 14 years old when I saw Star Wars in the theater. That's how old I am. The original first Star Wars.

I was introduced to Mark Hamill. And Mark Hamill replied to my lightsaber challenge. Mark Hamill says, you had me at Olive Garden, Harland. Unfortunately, as tempting as it is to appear in public in my underpants wearing a white-powdered wig, I'm in Prague working on a night's fall show. I guess that's a TV show. And I'm unable to accept your challenge. Brackett, you earned a follower, though.

Hart. And then he signed his name not Mark Hamill, but M-A-R and then an emoji of a camel. which I thought was really cool Mar Camel Right get it Mar M-A-R and then a picture of a camel Mar-Camel So you know

If you're out there And you want to You want to push Mark Hamill on the Olive Garden Underwear white powder wig Light saber fight Let them know But in the meantime

I wrote Mr. Hamill back I wrote Mr. Hamill back after he's so politely responded to me okay and this is what I said you're listening in on our Twitter

conversation I wrote Mr. Hamill gets full respect for responding to my challenge thank you Mark in time I shall come up with a fresh challenge and pray that you are available to accept. You are an honorable man.

We love and respect you. Stay tuned, Mr. Hamill. Olive Garden Love. So it's heating up between me and the Jedi Master, okay? It's heating up. So if you want to follow our rivalry or our challenge or whatever it is, jump on my Twitter feed

at Harland Williams You'll see a little picture of me With my head on a pillow And a white shirt and a black tie That's the official one Don't sign up for any of these fraudulent ones Who knows what the fraudulent ones say So there you go, man

I thought I'd end the show On a cool little Mark Hamill Challenge tweet for you guys And there you go. What else can I tell you before we leave? Let's do a few little how you want to say announcements, shall we? Let's see. I had a great time in Spokane, Washington this weekend that just passed.

My thanks to all you Spokanians or Mr. Spokians or whatever you call yourselves. Thank you so much. Great people. Great town. So much fun. And then my next little giggy poo will be back up in Washington. November 1st, 2nd, and 3rd. I will be in Tacoma, baby.

Tacoma, Washington, baby. Oh, behave. So get up to that club and see me. If you're in Seattle, Seattle and Tacoma are almost beside each other. So get down to see me in Tacoma. And then that's November 1st through the 3rd. And then in November 15, 16, 17, and 18, I will be in Irvine, California in Orange County at the Improv. So come on out to that, man.

It's going to be a great show. and that's where I filmed my last comedy special Carmelcorn the Pug, kick them in the kibble, which by the way is available on Amazon Prime. If you want to have some laughs and see a six-foot-two pug doing stand-up comedy, you can buy it for like eight bucks and rent it for like three bucks. So go to Amazon Prime and look for Carmelcorn the pug, kick him in the kibble. It's my stand-up comedy special where I did the whole set as a dog. You're not going to see that anywhere else.

And that's it. I think that's it. Please join our premium membership. If you want to hear every episode of the Harland Highway, go to harlandwilms.com. Join our premium membership. $20 for the year. What a steal. Is anything else that cheap?

Can you imagine a thousand episodes of something for $20? when you pay $15 for one movie and you're getting a thousand episodes for $20. Plus every now and then I put bonus stuff up just for the premium members, so you got that. Also, you can write me at harlandwilms.com if you want to send me an email at harlandwilms.com, you can message me.

I read all of them. Or if you want to leave me a voicemail like our friend from St. Louis, the pavement pounder from St. Louis, 323-739, 43330. 3-2-3-739-43330. That number is on the website, harlunwiliams.com. Or you can just get our free app.

Get the free app in your app store. Just type in the Harland Highway and download the app for free. You get the 50 latest episodes for free. You can call me from your app You can join premium membership from your app All that stuff Now when you call the phone rings about like six, seven times

Before it picks up So don't get discouraged It's one of those old answering systems Yeah, I know, antiquated But Let's get some messages from you guys And that's it, man Halloween's coming up

I think next week we'll do a whole show dedicated to Halloween. We'll have some good old scary fun on the next podcast. So I hope you enjoyed this one, ladies and gurgle-nargans. Watch out for vampires. Watch out for Mark Hamill. Watch out for babies with rocks in their mouths. And until next time, go out and vote, but don't tell anybody. Chicken, shall me.

baby. Oh, a lot of you go bend down and suck your own ass cheek, you dirty, disgusting, fat-faced fuckload.