The Harland Highway - 967 - AUNT RUTHY phones in. Harland PISSED OFF. Is BIGFOOT real?

Episode Date: November 5, 2018

AUNTY RUTHY phones in. Harland gets PISSED OFF. Is BIGFOOT real? CRAZY news story! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome to November. Oh, boy. We're heading into the final quarter of the year. Can you believe it, another year coming to a close? So crazy, man. Can't believe it. I can't believe it's not bad. But what a show we have for you today?

Aunt Ruthie apparently left a voicemail for us. So we're going to hear from Aunt Ruthie and see what she's up to. Also, I did something the other day where I confess I was a douche, okay? All of us are duchy from time to time. The hardest part is admitting we're a douche, and I'm admitting on today's show that I did something very dushy, and I will reveal it and talk about it on today's show. Also, some phone calls, some very interesting phone calls.

Someone wants to know my opinion about Yeti, the Bigfoot, the Sasquatch. So, by God, we're going to get into that and discuss the old legend of the Bigfoot. Also, a crazy news story. This one might top them all where some idiot ate something and it freaking killed them. And it's not something you eat every day. So we got that. And then lastly, I have a segment where I get pissed off about something. You know my famous pissed off segments.

It's something you eat, but for now, consume the Harland Highway. I have an announcement to me. You're about to go down the Harland Highway. Lock the door. I don't want to be a product of my environment. Shut up. I want my environment to be a product of me. You're riding down the Harlan Highway.

So, put off the fuck to get off this phone. I can get you off. Maybe? Maybe not. Maybe fuck yourself. Ha! You're a cantalope. Tideon.

All right, hold tight on the Holland Highway show. I'm ashamed, big daddy. That's why I'm a drunk when I'm drunk, I can stand myself. Keep bleeding on that tutor, Charlie, and you're gonna get a shirt. Ali, and you're going to get a shot in the mouth. Act like a man! What's the matter with you? I wasn't really sure what was going on.

You're listening to Harlan Williams. The rest is bullshit, and you know it. Well, I pulled a douche move the other day. I know it's a horrible word douche. I don't know if it's French for douch, but it's pronounced douche. And we've all done it. We've all pulled douche moves, and here's my douchey move from the other day.

I was traveling in the car, driving through the streets. And I don't know if you have this in your community, but, you know, most cities and towns have, like, a grid where it's like first street, second street, third street, fourth street, or just a, you know, it's a series of streets with names on them, and they christmas. cross and there's stop signs there's at every four corners there's a stop sign right so i'm going down through the grid and every street i come to there's a stop sign so i'm driving along stop drive along stop stop go stop go stop go but but in some towns and there's a lot of this in l.a i don't know why there's some streets randomly where they're just like

No, I don't think we need the stop signs here. Yeah, I think we'll just, you know, we'll just let people go through. So that's confusing. But here's the douche move. Okay, so I was traveling down the streets, you know, one stop sign, two stop sign, three stop sign. And there was a car in front of me. And the car in front of me was stopping and going. just like I was, and then we got to one intersection,

and the person stopped, and they stopped, and they stopped, and they're not moving. And I'm like, what is wrong with this idiot? Honk, honk, I'm like honking, honk. Go, you idiot, it's a stop sign. And then, like a douche, which is French for idiot, I look up, and it's a streetlight. Okay, the stop signs had stopped, and now for whatever reason there was a street light along the grid, and it was a red light.

And I'm like sitting there going, oh, what a douche, I just honked at a guy at a red light. He's sitting in front of me, he's waiting for the light to turn green, and I just honked at him. And suddenly I'm a giant douche. But it's just one of those things, you know, you're going through a pattern, you're like, stop. stop go stop sign go stop sign go stop sign go stop sign go stop sign going street light stop sign go wait wait what was that one they just threw a street light in there on me so I I just got used to the pattern and so when this guy didn't go I blasted him with the with the horn and so I don't know if that person listens to the Harland Highway I don't

I don't know if that person will ever hear this podcast, but if you are listening, I apologize, okay? I just thought we were sitting at a stop sign and you weren't going and you were texting or you were doing something. And so I got impatient. And I was like, come on, we go, bro. So total douche move from me. At least I'm douchy enough to admit I was a douche. Thank you. The rockin' luck.

Hello? Hello. Hi, Harland. My name is Donna from New Jersey, and I just want to say thank you. I'm sure lots of people have. My grandson is nine months old. His name is Luke Matthew, and he loves it. And when he saw Kea, he shrieked out loud.

He was so excited to see a new dog. So thanks. And keep on making puppy pals from me. my little guy, Luke. Have a good day. Bye. Well, look at that. Donna and Luke from New Jersey, nonetheless. Well, Donna, that's fantastic. Thank you for your phone call. And Donna's referring to my animated series on Disney Jr. called Puppy Dog Pals. It's a show for kids that I created and I do one of the voices on. And we have a new puppy for season two named Kia. She's a

our first female puppy pal, puppy dog pal. So she's part of the gang now. And it sounds like little Luke likes Kia and likes the show. So thank you, Donna, for the update. I'm glad you guys are digging it. And I'm really glad that all of you folks out there that are enjoying the show with your kids are having a good time. That's great. And I've been getting a lot of, like, emails and tweets from parents that are picking up on some of the little adult references we put in.

We'll put, like, tributes to movies like diehard and little adult grown-up jokes in there that is kind of a nod to the parents that are watching puppy dog pals with their kids. So good on you. Thank you for listening and watching the show with Luke. And very cool. Here's the many more episodes coming your way. Rod, let's take another phone call where we're at while we're at it. This is awesome. Ireland.

Chris from Halifax. A couple of things I wanted to bring up there. Number one, the performance recordings that you do there are great and everything. I like to hear them. but the audio is kind of iffy, man. And it gets kind of like nails on a chalkboard after a couple minutes. I don't know if it's just open-air recordings you're doing there. Maybe if you could get a feed off the board, it might be better.

But just a suggestion there, maybe have a look at that audio, see if you could do something to make it a little better. I think we're all just used to the pristine audio and all that, live stuff is is just not used to it anymore that much anyway number one, a little bit of constructive

criticism there number two is I want to know what you're feeling is on what your opinion is on the Sasquatch if you've ever seen any I know you've spent a fair bit of time around the wilderness and you're a wilderness

kind of guy I had two eyewitness encounters myself when I was young, right here in Nova Scotia, where I grew up, one from a distance and one very close, so I know they're around, at least at that time they were. I've looked ever since, and I haven't been able to see any, but I keep looking. Anyway, I just wanted to know if you had any experiences with that. Other than that, carry on, bro. I love your show, as always. And it's turning into fall here in Nova Scotia. The leaves are falling and turning, and it's a beautiful time to be alive.

Chicken chow main, buddy. All right, Chris from Halifax. Well, just like you said two things for me, I got two things for you. One, do you smoke, bro? you just see you chris just has one of those voices where it's arland it's chris from halifax i don't i'm not saying you do but if i'm a guessing man and i think i am a guessing man arland it's chris from halifax that sounds have you been do you smoke bro have you been smoking arland it's chris from halifax and number two what i want to bring up chris from halifax is that just i want to tell you how much i love halifax

I've got to tell you, man. I've told people on this show before. I've had people call in from the East Coast, the maritime provinces baby, Prince Edward Island, New Brunswick, Newfoundland, Nova Scotia. Oh, great part of the world. If you haven't visited Go, nicest people on planet Earth. And so I just wanted to say, first do you smoke?

And second, you are great people. And all the people out there on the East Coast, I love you guys and gals. Awesome people. So friendly. I have so many good memories from being on the East Coast. My early years of stand-up comedy, I had to tour out there. And what a special time that was. Now, let's get to your two questions, Chris.

The first one was you were asking about the audio. Sometimes I play live recordings of my stand-up, and I put them on the podcast. And the audio is a lot different than the pristine, nice, clear audio you're hearing right now. And I kind of do it by design. And I'm kind of bummed that it irritates you and that it sounds like, you know, nails on a chalkboard because what I'm doing when I record those sets, I just record them with my phone. I put my, I bring my phone on stage and I put it on the stool next to my bottle of water. And I record the set that way because I want to capture that kind of live, you're right there in the room, you're right there on the stage with me

feeling. And the truth is, Chris, I actually bought a fancy, wancy, like, you know, microphone that you actually plug into my cell phone and it's like, you know, really fancy and has a little, you know, filter on it and all this stuff. And what's wrong with it is that it doesn't pick up the crowd as well. and that's the whole purpose behind my recordings is when I play them for you on the podcast is I do a lot of interaction with the crowd

I talk to the crowd I spritz with the crowd I get heckled by the crowd and so I want you guys to kind of really hear those people because a lot of the comedy comes from my instantaneous back and forth with real people in the audience and my cell phone just kind of captures that right

and that's why I don't want to go through the soundboard because if I go through the soundboard, you're just going to get my voice and you're not going to get the ambience and the heckling and the pitter-patter from the room. So I guess I'm a little bit bummed that you find it annoying. I was trying to make it so that it was very authentic, and it felt like you were there.

And believe me, I know, I'm a sound guy. I do a podcast. I know the difference between high-quality sound and substandard sound, but I was doing it by design to kind of transport you to the live comedy club. And maybe you're just finicky or maybe you hit the nail on the head. So what I'll have to do is maybe hear from more of you pavement pounders, and you let me know if it's grinding,

then I certainly don't want to put you through that. I really don't want you sitting there. Oh, God, I don't want to listen to this. It's hilarious, but I don't want to listen to this. guy's podcast. It's like nails on a chalkboard. That's not what you want from your listening audience. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes. Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make

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Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. So if other people are feeling the same and I'll receive that message and I'll figure something else out but I was just trying to like I said transport you the listener and kind of bring you in live to the kind of dingy little comedy club with the live crowd and people yelling and heckling me and you know me going at it with them so let me know folks if you want me to change it up or is Chris the only one I don't know We'll see. 3237394330 if you want to weigh in on that. And then secondly, kind of bizarre, Chris.

You switched from like audio technical issues to Bigfoot, which I kind of loved. I want to know what you're feeling is on what your opinion is on the Sasquatch. Such an odd series of questions. Yeah, I'm really having trouble. trouble with the audio frequency on your uh your soundboard there uh but uh what do you think about yety well hey man here's the thing chris i i try to keep an open mind to these things i do believe that there probably are some big foots or yettys or saskwatches or snow monsters or whatever you want to label them i think it's highly probable that there could be um you know these large

creatures lumbering around, living in the thick, dense forest vegetation that we have. I mean, the globe is such a massive place. There's so many places for a creature to run around, go undetected, hide, especially if they were, you know, if the forest, the deep forest was their environment, because that would mean that they would know it, they would know how to manipulate it, they would know how as hide and plain sight, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. And I just kind of like the idea that there's something big and hairy out there, a big beast. You know, that's kind of neat.

The world, you know, every time they discover a new creature, or they talk about, you know, getting the DNA of dinosaurs and bringing them back Jurassic Park style, or they find a new species, or there's rumors that a Megalodon shark or whatever the hell they're called Megalodon or whatever. You know, it's always exciting when something is discovered, right? And especially when it's something that can intimidate us. You know, if you told me there was a creature called Smallfoot in the woods and it was like a, you know, a two foot high, hairy midget freak, I'd be like, you know what?

Not only do I not want to see that, I might want to hunt that. And I'm not a hunter. But what I do want to see, I think humans like sort. stuff that they know can be dangerous. So the idea of like a nine or 12 foot tall, like ape-like creature that could probably throw us to the sun or snap us in half like a piece of firewood, I think we all like that stuff better because it poses a threat and it's intimidating and it's mystifying and it's bigger than us.

It's bigger than life, right? So I want to believe it's out there And and you know Part of me wants it to be discovered To prove it But then part of me doesn't Because you know In this day and age that we live in

There's not you know There's not that many mysteries I mean of course there's mysteries like What's the cure for cancer And you know What what you know Why did they build the pyramids and stuff like that But you know

the ongoing mystery of the big foot and the Lochness monster and aliens from outer space, there's something about that that I think keeps us going in a way. The human race, it keeps us, it keeps our imaginations fertile, it keeps us wondering, and it feeds our imaginations, which is important. And in a world where there's a less and less privacy and there's more and more experience, exposure to everything, you know? I mean, did you ever think back in the 80s? There'd be TV shows about swamp people and the Duck Dynasty.

Did you think backwards rednecks would be having their own nationally televised shows? I mean, you know, there's stuff that's kind of cool that it remains shrouded in the mystique and mystery. It makes it kind of romantic and it makes it fun to imagine. but if everything on the planet gets on earthed and unfolded, it's kind of like, okay, now what? You know? So I do want there to be a big foot. I believe that it is possible,

the same way I believe aliens are possible, and I believe the Loch Ness monsters possible. I think anything's possible. But now let's get down to the science of it and the reality of it. I do find it fascinating that many people have had accounts of seeing it. Yourself included, you said you've seen them twice. Now, I wasn't there, so I don't know how far away you were. I don't know how clear you saw something.

You know, sometimes the imagination fills in the blanks. Did you see a, maybe you saw a black bear? Maybe sometimes black bears get up on two feet. If you were at a distance and there was shrubbery and you saw, this tall hairy thing passing through the shrubs and it wasn't a clear a clear uh you know sight line did you see a big foot or did you see a walking bear i don't know maybe you did see a big foot i don't know i don't know the answer but uh the odds of seeing a big foot are probably like you know like getting hit by lightning while you hold the winning lottery ticket

And the fact that you said you've seen two, not just one, but two, that's pretty amazing on its own. And in a way, if I'm being honest, I'm like, okay, really? I'm a little bit skeptical, but I'm not going to challenge your reality. Maybe you did see it. Or you saw something. Or maybe you said you were a younger boy. Maybe your imagination ran away with you. Or maybe you walked right up and walked face-to-face.

and you were three feet away from a nine-foot ape-like humanoid thing living in the woods. Actually, I'm jealous. I would love to see something like that. Now, as you mentioned, I am a guy who spent a lot of time in nature. I was in some very remote areas when I was a forest ranger. Believe me, I was in walking around in areas of the woods where probably no human being has ever walked. Trust me, I was out there, man. And unfortunately, I did not ever see any signs of a Yeti or a Bigfoot.

And that brings me to my next issue with the, you know, the Yeti thing, the big Sasquatch thing. Here's the problem I have. As far as we know, Chris, nobody's ever found a dead saucequatch. nobody's found bones of a Sasquatch Nobody's found fur from a Sasquatch Nobody's found

pee from a Sasquatch Nobody's found bowel movements from a Sasquatch A footprint can be faked A footprint can be misinterpreted as melting snow or a weird impression in the earth

It could be somebody Put it there as a hoax But with a legitimate sauce squash carcass, or scat, as they call it, which is the feces of an animal, or a hair sample, or saliva, or bone marrow, or whatever you want to urine, whatever you want, blood? I find it hard that with all the searching we've done

for all the hunters and all the campers and all the naturalists, and all the outdoors people that have put millions and millions of hours and miles into the remote wilderness. Whether you're canoeing or hiking or camping or you're actually, there's people out there actually searching for Sasquatch or there's hunters. I mean, let's face it, a lot of the forest gets covered. And I think if you found the skeletal remains of a Sasquatch, you'd know it. I mean, you'd be this big thing. I can only imagine what the skull was.

looks like. And so that's where it gets a little hairy. We have no forensic evidence. And I've watched countless, numerous specials on it, Chris, where they think they've found fur and they think they've found a footprint and they think. And then, of course, they've analyzed the DNA and it turns out to be a wolf or a bear or some kind of a bear had sex with a wolf. But they have not ever, ever captured the DNA.

DNA of a species we don't know or some type of ape-like or human-like species out in the wilderness. And so I find that a little puzzling because if a saucequatch dies, I don't assume they're immortal. I assume, you know, if they've been on the planet for millions of years with us, we find the bones of animals extinct, millions of years. Brontosaurus, tronosaurus, woolly mammoth, T-Rex. I mean, these are bones that are hundreds of millions of years old, and yet we can't find the bones of a creature that's supposedly alive and roaming around amongst us. And let's face it, dinosaur bones have been found in some of the most remote and obscure places you could ever think of. So I find it hard to believe that a hunter or a camper or a forest ranger or somebody, a lumberjack has never stumbled upon the bones or the

carcass of a real live saucequatch. No one's ever stepped in the droppings. I mean, if these things are big, they're crapping, man. I'll tell you one thing I did see when I worked in the woods. I saw my fair share of a bear poo, moose poo, deer poo, raccoon poo, porcupine poo, you name it, man. There's a lot of poo in the forest. And you got to think that if a saucequatch is wandering around, there's going to be some nice, big, juicy, steamy piles, not to be graphic here, but somebody somewhere would have stepped in it or found it or smelt it. And especially in these areas where you watch these documentaries

and these guys are like, oh, we're on the air. We heard their calls and we've seen them in this same area for 15 years. There's been sightings. Well, those areas have been scoured and scanned. And why haven't they found any poo or any? Can you imagine living in the forest and a clump of your hair doesn't come off on some tree bark or on a branch or on a farmer's barbed wire fence or on a rock. I mean, look at bears.

Look at bears in the wild. What do they do when they get itchy? They stand up on a big tree and they rub their back all over it and they scratch themselves. And, you know, in the summer and the winter, most mammals, Most wild mammals, in the winter months, they grow extra fur to help insulate. And then in the spring, they shed the fur. And where does that fur go? It goes all over the forest.

I mean, why? We haven't found one strand of hair from one of these mystical, mythical beasts. So, you know, if you get really scientific about it, it's, and you try to break it down, And believe me, I want to be a believer. Like I said, I like this stuff, Chris. I want it to be there. But nature leaves traces, you know, and especially something that big. We're not talking about, you know, even mice leave little trails through the grass.

Mice leave little droppings. I mean, spiders leave droppings. Crickets leave droppings. Ants leave stuff around. Like the idea that there's a. giant hairy nine foot like gorilla type thing lumbering around in the woods and nobody doesn't leave anything and now i'm i'm kind of like over over bloating the point here but you can see why it's tough it's tough to get your head around it and like i said i want it to be there i really do i would

love it if there was a big gorilla type you know neanderthal ape-like creature roaming around in the woods. But all these sightings, that's the other thing. All these sightings are always like wacky. It's like someone with a shaky camera or someone with an out-of-focus camera or, oh, there it is, it just went behind the tree, or it sort of looks like a guy in a costume, or it, you know what I mean? Like, it's never just, you know, a saucequatch running across the field,

maybe running right into camera and taking a moose down and eating it, you know? That's another thing. What do they eat? You know, are they vegetarians? Are they meat eaters? I have a feeling it would be hard to be a vegetarian living in the cold snow. In the winter? Have you ever been in the forest?

in the winter? It's a punishing place. Everything stops growing. It's hard to find food. Excuse me. It's hard to find anything. So are they eating fish? Are they eating other mammals? Why haven't we found the carcasses of other mammals spread around? Why haven't we found the bones with teeth marks in them? With an animal that big and that powerful, you think it wouldn't like pick up a bone?

and if it had articulating hands the way us humans do, like an ape, you don't think it would pick up like the way we pick up a T-bone or a rib and it's powerful jaws with a nine-foot mouth. It wouldn't leave impressions or scrapings in a bone. I mean, lions do it, and tigers do it, and bears do it. All kinds of mammals leave imprints in the bone where you can gauge the width of their mouth and the depth of their tooth

and so, you know, you don't see the carcasses of animals spread all over the place and you don't really see where they live. I mean, what, do they just walk around and then, oh, it's dark, let's lay down right here. Well, when you lay down, you're going to leave fur, you're going to leave an impression, You're going to shed.

I don't think these things are like lappardoodles where they don't shed. And then, you know, they're going to spread the food around. They're going to carry it. They've got to eat. You know, they're not finding, they're not finding, like, feeding zones. So anyways, I could go on and on and on. So the answer is, Chris, I want it to be true. but I just don't know if it really is true.

And even if you did see something, Chris, and I'm not saying you didn't. In fact, I hope you did. But if you did, then that makes my questions that I've just raised even more kind of confusing. Because if you saw two, then that means they clearly live in that area, and that means, you know, where's all the forensic evidence I talked about? Why didn't someone else see them?

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. So there you go. There's my long, long-winded answer about the saucequatch. And if there's any saucequatch listening, please call the show. You know, get to a pay phone, or if you found it, like if a hunter dropped a cell phone somewhere or whatever it is, just call the show and tell us about you. Tell us who you are, what you do.

do what you eat just talk to us and uh maybe that's a way we can get some some closure on this okay chris um now if i wanted to get proof on whether you smoked i could go to your house and rummage around and blah blah blah and i'd probably find filters and ash trays and your couch would smell like a cigarette and your house would probably stink like a cigarette. There'd be a lot of forensic evidence, but, again, it might be easier if you just phone. I think all the listeners are wondering if you smoke. This is called putting clues together, and that's what we need to do to figure out the sauce grudge. So, Chris, if you want to phone back and just let us know if you smoke, you know, that could help me kind of, you know, you know,

prove my powers of perception, and maybe it helps me sell my argument about the sauce squat. So there you go. Thank you for calling, buddy. Great call. I'll look into maybe getting a different microphone for my stand-up recordings. I hope the laughs that are on them, the jokes outweigh what sounds like a painful listening experience for you. But I will invest some type of better recording device just for you, okay? All right, I think that's enough phone calls for now, Raj. Let's switch gears and let's do a crazy news story. Okay, I think we're in the mood for a crazy, crazy news story.

The Harland Highway. Crazy news story. That's weird. Wow. That's strange stuff. Okay. I think this plays into what we're just talking about, like eating wild things out in the forest, right?

I was talking about how the Sasquatch eat things out in the forest, or do they? But here's a story about an idiot that did eat something that was out in the wild, and here's our crazy news story headline. This one blows my mind. Here it is, ready? Man dies from extremely rare disease after eating squirrel brains.

What the hell? Squirrel. What? There's no Arby's near your house, bro? You got no Chick-fil-A drive-thru? What the hell is wrong with you? Let's read this story. A man in New York developed an extremely rare

and fatal brain disorder after he ate squirrel brains, according to a report. Not singular, not brain. brains. So clearly this guy, A, has been killing squirrels, and he likes him some brains. In 2015, the 61-year-old man was brought to a hospital in Rochester, New York, after experienced a decline in his thinking abilities and losing touch with reality, the report said. The man had also lost the ability to walk on his own, liked climbing trees,

Eight lots of nuts, and when he ran across a road, he was very indecisive and would stop in the middle, go the other way, run back out, stop in the middle, go the other. No, I'm making this part up, but that's what squirrels do. It kind of ended it. The man had also lost the ability to walk on his own. This is scary stuff. An MRI of the man's head revealed a striking finding. The brain scan looks similar to those seen in people with variant Kruitsfeld-Jacob disease,

a fatal brain condition caused by infectious proteins called preons. Only a few hundred cases of this disease have ever been reported and most were tied to consumption of contaminated beef in the United Kingdom in the 1980s and 90s, also known as mad cow disease. But in this case, the man had another dietary habit that could have raised his risk for the disease. His family said he liked to hunt,

and it was reported that he had eaten squirrel brains. What is he a squirrel zombie? Brains, must have brains. Must have brains and acorns. What the hell is this idiot doing? It said it is unclear if the man consumed the entire squirrel brain or just squirrel meat that was contaminated with part of squirrel brain. Does this guy not have a grocery store near his house?

Can you not get to your... There's three words, your grocer's freezer. Remember that every time you hear available in your grocer's freezer? Glazed ham, butterball turkeys, chicken breasts, teabone steaks, all available in your grocer's freezer. Okay, don't be running around in your grocer's backyard with a BB gun shooting squirrels, you idiot. Really? That's what you want to eat, like tree rats? I mean, admit it, squirrels are just kind of cuter versions of rats, really. so it says the doctor didn't treat the patient

but she uncovered the case while writing a report on this disease over the last five years I mean this is just crazy this disease only affects one in a million people each year worldwide it's a debilitating disease that progresses quickly and usually results in

death within one year of diagnosis. Good Lord. There is no treatment or cure. Yikes. Well, how about drinking some squirrel blood or something? I mean, is there something else in the squirrel that can help neutralize the brain thing? Or maybe you go up the food chain a little to reverse the negative effects of the squirrel brain, why don't you go up a notch and start eating some beaver brain? I'm guessing beavers are bigger and smarter rodents, and maybe their bigger brain will help kill the dumb squirrel brain cells. I don't know.

I'm not a rodent doctor. I'm just spitballing here. It says the disease results from preon proteins that fold abnormally leading to lesions in the brain. There are three forms of this disease, one that is inherited, one that comes from exposure to infected tissue from the brain or nervous system, and one type that is sporadic and does not appear to have a genetic or environmental cause. Oh, great, what, I can get a paper cut and suddenly have mad squirrel disease? The sporadic type is the most common, responsible for 85% of cases. Because this is so rare, doctors at the Regional Health Center were surprised

when four suspected cases of the disease occurred at the hospital within a six-month period between 2017 and 2018. That number is higher than expected based on the population of the Rochester area, which has about one million people. Oh, my God. So what we have here, you ever hear the Blair Witch Project? I think we got like the Squirrel Brain Project. I think those Rochester folks are up there,

and they must be eating brains or something. I mean, I know that town, you know, suffered some economic hard times, but seriously? Like, take a night off from the squirrel brains and get your ass over to KFC or something. Yikes. So there you go, folks. There's the story.

Pretty crazy, huh? Rochester, New York. What? Yeah. Aunt Ruthie lives in Rochester. Why, Roger? Oh, no. Oh, God, she left a message about this stuff?

Oh, God, oh, no. So, okay, just to give you, Roger's telling me we have a phone message. I guess it came in yesterday after we went home. My Aunt Ruthie, she's like 86 years old. She lives up in Rochester, New York with my uncle Harry. And this is right where all this stuff happened, the squirrel brain thing. So what, if you listen to the Holland Highway, you know she leaves messages a lot of the time for me. She doesn't know how to use answering machines very well.

She leaves long, rambling messages, but I love her, so I don't say anything. I just let Aunt Ruthie be Aunt Ruthie. But so I'm, she's probably calling about this thing, isn't she? Oh, I'm scared to listen to this voicemail. Okay, well, that's what we'll do. we'll take Aunt Ruthie's phone call or message and let's see

God help us if she has squirrel brain disease. All right, play the message, Rodge. Let's see what Aunt Ruthie from Rochester has to say this time. Good Lord. Hello.

Hello, Angel. Oh, my God. Are you there, Angel? Oh, my goodness. You never know how to work these answering machines. Hello, Angel, it's your Aunt Ruthie calling from Rochester, New York. We miss you so much.

I know you've probably heard about the squirrel brain disease that's gone around. Well, I guess for a minute there, we thought your Uncle Harry might have gobbled down some squirrel brain. So we took him to the doctor, he was looking pale, and he was sweating. And, of course, we got him to Dr. Heimstein over at 49th at the medical center. And, of course, you know, your uncle Harry's got the flu. And I told him, I said, Harry, don't stand outside in the fall weather. In your t-shirt, watering the windows. You know how he likes to wash the windows and the siding on the side of the house.

You know, as if anybody cares how clean our freaking house looks, Angel. I mean, so, of course, Harry goes and gets. the flow, and so, you know, we checked, and it's not the squirrel brain thing, honey, child, but it might as well be, I mean, good Lord, your uncle Harry, the mucus coming out of this man. I mean, you know, if he falls asleep in his chair, it's like invasion of the body snatches. I mean, it's like the phlegm and the mucus come out of his nostrils and his mother's sides of his mouth. It just rules out. It looks like he's been licking ice cream at the part.

Hawke, watching the Mary grow round with a bunch of special needs children twirling around in a circle, for Christ's sake, Angel. I mean, it's just disturbing. I mean, a full-grown man, and if he sleeps in his lazy boy chair for more than half an hour, I mean, it's like a cocoon starts to build around the man's human body, for Christ's sake. I mean, just the phlegm looks like a spiderweb or a moth beast. or something. Have you ever seen a moth, you know, pull up on a flower and drop a mothed? I mean, it looks like angel feathers or something. So this guy, the mucus coming out of your

Uncle Harry, it just spins around his body until he's fully encased in this sickening cocoon, for God's sakes. And, you know, Uncle Harry, you can see his eyes moving back and forth in his eyelids darting all over the place, for God's sakes, Angel. So, you know, I look through the cocoon where your uncle Harry sleeps, and good Lord, it's like I'm in a horror movie with my own husband for crying out loud angel. I mean, good Christ on a Christmas tree, what is wrong with him? So anyways, you know, he had been trying to sleep it off, and the doctor said to give Harry lots of fresh orange juice, and so I've been cutting oranges in half. And you remember the old orange juice maker we had on the counteringel back at your Aunt Ruthie's house? Remember the one where you put half an orange on that pointy tip and you grind it and the orange juice comes off and then you throw away the orange peel?

Well, that's what I've been doing to your uncle Harry to make sure he gets his orange juice nice and fresh. I cut an orange in half and then I tilt his head back and I grind the half of an orange right on his point. little nose. I just push down with my arthritic little velociraptor fingers, Angel, and I grind the orange around in semicircles until the juices start dripping down the side of his big fat cauliflower nose right down into his open mouth because, you know, the old fart snoring like Winnie the Pooh taking a shit into an electric fan for Christ's sake, you know. So, you know, I grind six or seven oranges, and of course Wouldn't you know it with Uncle Harry? I got an orange seed in his eye,

and suddenly now he's got like some kind of fucked-up eye infection. I mean, I feel like I'm living in a house with someone that's got lepathy for Christ's sake. His eyes are puffed up like one of those stupid goldfish you see at the pet shop with the great big bulgy eyes. I mean, I just want to grab a fire poker and poke his fat fucking puffed-up eye out, Angel, but I'm afraid of all the pus that would blow all over the walls

and getting your Aunt Ruthie's hair. You know, Thursdays, I get my hair done down at Sarah Rutherby's salon just down there by the bank. And, well, you know, I don't want pus in my hair. I mean, you know, I walked down to the bingo parlor and all the old ladies down there. You know what they're like? They're like, hey, Ruthie, who put the apple crisping your hair?

You know, did you stuff your head in the oven, Ruthie? and bake some apple crisp on your head? And I'm like, excuse me, ladies, but this is Harry's eye pass, okay? And that's a conversation I don't want to have. By the way, little angel, do you remember for your ninth birthday? You asked your Aunt Ruthie what you wanted.

Did you want a birthday cake, chocolate or the vanilla? Do you remember? And you said, no, Ruthie, I want an apple pie. Do you remember? And I made a fresh apple pie just for my little angel. And I know you're older now, and I'm not trying to embarrass you, Aydie. You're down there in the Hollywoods, making your movies and your televisions and whatnot. But anyways, back to your uncle Harry.

The doctor says it'll only be like another seven or eight, nine days with this ailment. And thank God it's not the squirrel brain virus. I mean, I don't think Harry has the brains to eat a brain if you want to know, you know, that's my opinion. But your uncle Harry should be through. The doctor said the phlegm will stop in about a day or two. And then we're going to have the mucus. And you know what the mucus means? That means his pillow is going to be.

And when he wakes up in the morning, his pillow is going to look like an apple turnover, for Christ's sake. Because he's going to have that green crust on the pillow. And what happens, Angel, is his head, you know, whatever hair Harry's got left, It gets stuck to the phlegm, the fleb's on the pillow, and then they dry together, and in the morning I've got to go down in the cold weather, run out to Harry's car, open the trunk, grab the goddamn crowbar, get up on the bed, stand over Harry straddle him with my orthopedic foot shoes, and then I got to Jimmy the goddamn crowbar under Uncle Harry's head between his head and the pillow, and basically crack him out of his own mucous. for Christ's sake. I mean, it's like a phlegm turnover for Christ's sake. So anyways, Angel, I just didn't want you to think that your Uncle Harry had the squirrel disease for Christ's sake, but, you know, I wouldn't be surprised if he bends down and eats

his own nuts. And I don't even know why I'm saying that. Your poor Harry, he's just suffering. If you get a chance, Angel, give us a call. I'm sure hearing from you would see Uncle Harry up and make him feel better. Okay? Hold on, Angel. Harry, get your face off the couch.

I don't want mucus on the couch. The fettlements are coming over later, for Christ's sake. You think I want the fettlements to sit in your phlegm and get stuck on the couch, and then we've got to serve them dinner for grace sake? Get your face off the couch. Honey, your uncle Harry's starting to slouch over. He's wrapped in a cocoon of mucus,

and I think he's sticking to the couch. I've got to go, Angel. I miss you so much. Be healthy. Get your flu shot, okay, Angel. We don't want you getting covered in mute, I. We love you, Angel. And Ruthie loves you.

Goodbye, Angel. Whoa, what the good Lord. Should I send an ambulance up there to Rochester, Raj? Holy God, my uncle Harry sounds like a mess. good night irene whoever that is yeesh um all right let's move along to uh something that uh you know what that i got something that that made me a little mad the other day can we play the the harland's pissed off theme roger because i i got something that i am not completely happy about yeah roll it don't piss me off

This is Highland Williams. And you're really pissing me off. Oh, you're starting to piss me off, you little pigly son, bitch. You pissed me off. Shut up. You're pissing me off. These fucking assholes, this fuck. These fucking assholes, the fuck is their problem, man. All right, here it is.

Here's why I'm pissed off, okay? And I don't think you can blame me after you hear this. Do we love our breakfast cereals? Do we? I think all of us as kids had our favorite breakfast cereal, whether it's a healthy one or an unhealthy one, whether it's, you know, corn pops or count chocula or shredded wheat or whatever it may be.

One of my faves was sugar smacks. Remember with Digum, Digum, the frog, dig them. And noticed I said one of my favorites was because a few times a year, you know, not a lot, but a few times a year I will buy a box of cereal

and it's fun, I'll eat it, you know, it brings back memories, it's delicious, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, right? And for the most part, cereals have kind of stayed the same. They change a little bit. but overall they kind of taste the same. So I buy a box as sugar smacks the other day, you know,

it's tasted the same my whole life pretty much. And I come home, I got the milk, I sit down in front of the TV, and I'm like, oh, this is going to be good. I haven't had cereal for so long. Sugary, yummy, crunchy cereal. And so I, you know, I pour the boxers, dig them the full. frog on the front, you know, looking like a weird, like, breakdancing frog. I guess I've never thought of it before, but what in the world is the connection between

frogs and sugar smacks? In what world do frogs and children's breakfast cereals collide? It's not like you go canoeing and you go into a swamp and there's a bunch of frogs sitting on the lily pads. Oh, dig them, ribbet. These sugar smacks are delicious. Ribbit. Why have we been eating flies our whole life, George?

Ribbit. These sugar smacks are delicious, rabbit. More frogs milk, Frank? Ribbit. So I don't know what the marketing ploy there was. And so at any rate, at any rate, I bought the sugar smacks. And I got home, and I poured them, and I put the milk in, and I started eating. And my first bite, I was like, oh, oh, wait a minute.

These taste a little different. And I thought, okay, it's just the first bite. So then I had a second bite. I put a little extra milk on them. And I was like, they tasted kind of dry, and they tasted kind of plain. And they actually had that taste like, you know, if you leave the bag of cereal open overnight or two days and it has kind of that stale taste, the air got on it,

and it's kind of stale and whatnot. Yeah, well, that's what these tasted like. And so I looked at the box and I went, maybe there was a rip in the bag. Maybe there was, you know, there was someone punctured the bag and the air got in and I looked and no, no such punctured. existed. So I started to eat it again.

I was like, I'm not, something's off, man. I'm not enjoying this. Where's that old flavor that I love? And then as I'm sitting there wondering,

I look at the box and up on the corner, there's this little like, you know, little thing, a little splashy little graphic design. And it says new recipe. New recipe. And as soon as I saw that,

I just went, that's it. I didn't even need to read the new recipe. I knew immediately that the idiots at the cereal company had automatically made it gluten-free or ribof-lavin-free or less fat-free or less salt-free or less sugar or whatever the hell they did to it.

Some idiot went and messed with the recipe. And since when is breakfast cereal a recipe? Recipes are something you get at a French restaurant. Yes, I'll have the cordonbleau at the whipped soup and the reduced truffled potatoes, and what is the recipe for this delicious marmalade sauce? You don't go, what's the recipe for Count Chocula? Ooh, can I get the recipe? Can somebody give me the recipe for sugar pops, please?

I'd like to tape that recipe in my cookbook because, you know, I want to whip up some sugar pops for the dinner party I'm having next week. So here that, you know, the new recipe. And I know the age we live in, everything's gluten-free and all this horse crap, gluten-free. Really, you're going to live longer, You're going to save a few calories.

Is it going to change your life? You're going to wear that bikini you've never worn for the last eight years because suddenly, you know, a few times a week you eat a gluten-free freaking granola bar or a gluten-free piece of toast. Really? That's going to transform your whole body, your whole life. Good Lord. So we've become so, like, paranoid and so, uh,

overdoing it with our with our food that now it's all starting to taste like styrofoam and so now this delicious cereal that I I try to try to treat myself a few times a year with you know fill my mouth full of sugary madness so I can I can reach that hyperactive volcano point that I did as a kid where I'm running around the neighborhood on four bowls of pure sugar smack cereal. And I'm digging them, but my neighborhood isn't. And I can't even get back to that place. I can't even get back to that damn place because someone had to change the recipe, quote-unquote, of cereal. So guess what I did?

I dumped the rest of my cereal in the milk. I didn't even finish the bowl. As soon as I saw a new recipe, I knew what was up. The writing was on the wall. I didn't even have to read the ingredients. I went and I dumped it in the sink, and I took the whole box, almost full to the top. Mine was one ball. I took the full box of sugar smacks.

I walked outside and I threw it in my garbage can. There's your new recipe. And guess what? I'm never buying sugar smacks again. So I hope you're happy. And I'm nobody special. I have a feeling if I don't like it, a lot of other people aren't going to like it. So what are you dummies going to learn your lesson and just leave stuff the hell alone?

And if people get an overload of sugar or gluten or riboflavin or salt or whatever the hell's in there, then that's on them. And if they want it, let them eat it. And if their health starts to go downhill, then they can cut it back. or they can eliminate it, but stop trying to force your gluten-free BS all over us. How about it? Here's a new recipe. Bullshit-free.

Can we get some of that going? I'd like a nice box of bullshit-free, gluten-free sugar smacks. Maybe someone should just invent a brand-new sugary cereal with some kind of nutty cartoon character. How about a polywagon and break dancing clothes? It's called Golden Frosted Bullshit Freeze. What about that for a cereal? So there you go. There's my pissed off rant about breakfast cereals.

Just leave them the hell alone. If they ever mess up Lucky Charms, I'm moving to another country. God, Ribbon. Life itself seems lunatic. Who knows where madness lies? Perhaps to be too practical as madness, to surrender dreams. this may be madness, to seek treasure where there is only trash. Too much sanity may be madness, and maddest of all,

to see life as it is and not as it should be. Oh, God, yes, yes. Oh, feels good to get that all out. Well, let's move on to the end of the show. Let's do some announcements. It's not all doom and gloom, ladies and gentlemen. Life is good. I just get pissed off at some of the little things,

so I let it all out. But if we want to not be upset and pissed off And we want to be happy and laughing Here's what we do This weekend Lurtle-Nurdles and Bblurgle-slurgles Or sorry, not this weekend Two weekends from now

What am I talking about? Two weekends from now I will be in Irvine, California Can you believe it, man? Irvine, California. California at the Improv Comedy Club. That's down in Orange County. It's in Los Angeles, just south of Los Angeles,

about a 45-minute drive south. And a great comedy club down there, the Irvine Improv. So check me out, and that's technically my last club date for the rest of the year. I'm going to be focusing in December and the last half of November. on writing some movie scripts and TV shows and stuff like that. So I will be busy nonetheless. And I'll be doing my stand-up shows locally here in Hollywood. I always get up and do the local comedy clubs on the sunset strip.

So yeah, check me out, Irvine, California, November 15, 16, 17, and 18, okay? and it will be a grand, grand show. What else can I tell you? Check out harlough williams.com. You can write me emails there if you want to write me or you can even leave me a phone message and talk about Yeties and puppy dog pals and audio equipment issues and things of the liking.

The phone number 323739-43330, that's 323739-43330 Or you can just go to harloweems.com, the phone number is on the website And also the contact link if you want to shoot me an email and write to me We have a store at harlomwilms.com where you can buy all kinds of cool stuff Christmas is coming We always get a lot of orders in for Christmas for t-shirts and DVDs. and downloads and all kinds of stuff. So check it out, harlornwilliams.com and get your Christmas orders in early.

And as far as the podcast goes, tell your friends about the Harland Highway. We want to get everybody listening. Be sure to download the free app for your phone so you can listen wherever you may be. It's a free app in your app store, the Harland Highway. a podcast. You get the 50 latest episodes for free. And if you want the whole library, almost a thousand episodes, you can also join and become a premium member. And premium members also get little bonus features from time to time. And one of those bonus features is you're the first to hear the new title sequences. And as we come up on into November, there will be a

new title sequence coming. I'm going to put it up around the time of my birthday, and the premium members get to hear it before everyone else does. A little treat for the premium members. $20 a year. You get to hear every episode, plus you get bonus treats from time to time, and things like that.

So join the premium membership, and I think that's it, gang. If you're interested in my new comedy special, it's called Carmel Corn the Pud. kick them in the kibble. It's on Amazon Prime exclusively. You can rent it or buy it. It's a digital download only,

so you don't have to worry about a DVD dust jacket hanging around your house, right? And that'll do it. I think that's all we got. I hope you had a great Halloween. Hope you had a lot of fun. Got a lot of treats. And here we go.

Into the fall, man. We're getting deep into the fall. November is. here oh my god so let's do this and uh hope you had a good time today and until next time everybody chicken chow maine baby you know the old thought snoring like winnie the pool taking a shit into an electric fan for grice sake you know Thank you.