The Harland Highway - 968 - DR. ASCOT ruins nature! What's in a SUNSET! Whale watching from above!

Episode Date: November 12, 2018

DR. ASCOT ruins nature! What's in a SUNSET! Whale watching from above! We got a HAIRY JUMPER! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, hey, hey, yeah. Welcome to the Harland Highway, ladies and gentlemen. How are you today? Oh, what a show we have for you today. We're going to talk about, well, I don't know if it was a suicide attempt or a, I don't know what it was. But in the middle of my show, something a little nutty happened, and it involves something jumping from a building. I'll get into that later in the show. Also, I'm going to be talking about a little bit of nature stuff today. I saw something from an airplane that I've been waiting to see for a long, long time, and you're not going to guess what it was. But it's kind of cool. Also, I'm going to talk about a form of therapy that's free. Okay?

It's something that's so soon. and relaxing and calming and beautiful, and it's totally, totally free, and I'm going to tell you all about it and encourage you to try this free form of therapy to help you lower your blood pressure and have a calmer life. And also, speaking of therapy, I heard that Dr. Ascot makes an appearance on today's show. Not excited about that, because that guy is a freak. But aren't we all? That's why we're here. It's the Harland Highway.

I have an announcement to me. You're about to go down the Harland Highway. Lock the door. I don't want to be a product of my environment. Shut up. I want my environment to be a product of me. You're writing down the whole. Harlan Highway.

So, put off the fuck to get off this phone. I can get you off. Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe fuck yourself. Ha! You're a cantalope. Tideon.

Tondat. All right, hold tight on the Holland Highway show. I'm ashamed, big daddy. That's why I'm a drunk when I'm drunk, I can stand myself. Keep bleeding on that tutor, Charlie. tutor charlie and you're going to get a shot in the mouth act like a man what's the mouth of you i wasn't really sure what was going on you're listening to harlan williams the rest is bullshit and you know it

oh yeah enjoy enjoy those titles enjoy the the titles you've been listening to for the next two weeks you got this podcast and then two more And then for Christmas, that's right, an early Christmas present from yours truly, brand new titles. Uh-huh. That means you are going to get new titles on Monday, December 3rd for Christmas. A little Christmas present coming at you. So that'll be fun. And if you're a premium member, for those of you.

you that want to be a premium member or are not a premium member, I always let the premium members hear the titles ahead of time. So keep your eyes peeled premium members. You will be getting the new title sequence ahead of everyone else. And that's one of the perks of being a premium member. How about that? If you want to become a premium member, which gets you every single episode of the Harland Highway ever made, plus little perks like this, just join 20 bucks a year.

That's nothing. I mean, it's something to a kid in an underdeveloped impoverished country where $20 could probably buy a Mercedes-Benz and a state. dinner in a mansion, but they might want to forego all that just to be a premium member on the Harlan Highway. I kid, of course, but yeah, 20 bucks. You get all the Harlan highways and you get to hear the title sequence early. So I'll be playing that premium members for you sometime very soon and

and bang, boom, baby. But let's get into something that I've waited a long time. You've waited a long time for new titles. Here's something I've waited a long time for. How about this? So I live in Los Angeles and I fly a lot.

I mean, you know, I tour, I go on trips, I have to go to shoots for movies and TV or whatever. whatever's going on. So I fly more than the average human. I fly more than the average hummingbird, for God's sakes. And for those of you that don't know the Los Angeles Airport, LAX,

planes generally, like most of the time, in fact, I think all of the time, unless there's like a really severe wind or something, planes take off to the west. So basically, the airport is right down by the west coast of California, right by the ocean. And the end of the runway butts almost right up against the beach. So you've probably got, you know, maybe a quarter of a mile between the end of the runway and the beach and the ocean. So I can't tell you how many times I've lifted off over the ocean.

You know, the plane takes off low and gains altitude and then it goes out a few miles and then it banks and it heads back towards land or it goes up or down the coast depending on where you're going, right? And in all those years, I'm a window seat guy. I like the window. I like to look out at the cloud formations and I like to look out at things. and I always look down because, you know, there's a lot of marine life off the coast of California. You know, they often spot sharks and great white sharks and whales and who knows what else. And so I'm always on the lookout for a whale. I'm always flying out over the ocean and I'm thinking, oh, here I go.

I'm off to Texas or I'm off to New York, but maybe before I leave, I'll see a big fowl. whale what a treat that would be to see the world's fattest bastard no why am i getting mad at they're they're fat because they live in the ocean i don't know but anyways i always wanted to see a damn whale because it's like they're they're huge i mean it can't be hard to see them i'm up in the air where the hell's the whales so i've been flying out lax for like 25 30 years for God's sakes and I've never seen a damn whale or anything else really I think I saw a few syringes floating around uh so on my last trip out I'm looking out I'm hopeful I'm looking down there's the cloudless day crystal blue water take off I look

And finally, after all these years, not only do I see a whale, I guess it was a mommy whale, but it had a baby whale beside it. So I don't know, it's the little things in life that excite us. Or maybe it's the big things of life that excite us, whales. And so I finally saw a damn whale just chugging along in the ocean with a baby whale on its side, and I gotta tell ya, You realize the enormity of the ocean when a giant whale looks like a grain of rice. I mean, man, how insignificant is a whale next to the vastness of the ocean?

And I'm only seeing the ocean that I can see out my airplane window. Don't forget, most of this planet is covered with ocean. And so the mighty giant behemoth whale Is really just like a little ant or a flea in the ocean But To us we know them as the world's largest mammals And it's always a thrill to see nature And it's always a thrill to see

A critter that you don't normally see I mean, how many times have we seen a deer run across the road Or a, you know, a bear? Or a, oh, there's another fox. Hey, look at the bunny rabbit. Oh, look at the raccoon. Woo. But let's, you know, how often do we see a damn whale?

You know? And how often do we fly over a whale? Which sounds weird as human beings. Yeah, what'd you do today? Oh, I flew over a whale. What do you mean you flew over a whale? I flew over a whale. But wait, whales live in the ocean, and you're a land creature.

What do you mean? You flew? I don't ask, okay? I just, I flew over a whale. What do you mean? You jumped over a whale or you're up in a tree and you saw? No, I flew. How high were you?

I was at about 10 or 20,000 feet high. Excuse me? That's right. You heard me. I flew over a whale and a baby whale. I flew over them. Isn't it funny how we just take everything for granted in life? But when you think about that phrase, that sentence, I flew over a whale.

I mean, it just seems preposterous, doesn't it? Like, we're just living organisms on this planet, like birds and gophers and fish and squirrels and bobcats and wolves and lions. But somehow humans have been able to like, you know, jump the shark and evolve and become all these things and invent all these things to the point where we can say ridiculous things. Like I flew over a whale at 20,000 feet high. This is becoming funny to me. And it's true.

And somehow it happened. We invented flight. We invented jet engines. We invented, you know, not only am I watching a whale out the way. Did I mention in my headrest, I'm watching satellite TV? I'm watching an NFL game that's taking place in another city on the other coast. Did I mention I'm watching it live? Yeah, I'm watching a stadium of 70,000 people watching a sporting event.

Oh, and did I mention they just served me a steak? And I'm eating a steak, I'm eating a dead cow, watching 70,000 people in real time, play a sporting event. Well, I sit in my reclining chair and fly 20,000 feet over a whale, and it's baby. What do you mean that's science? No, that's life. So there you go. I don't know what you've flown over lately, losers, but I've flown over. a whale and its baby.

Yes, stewardess, can I get another drink, please? Yeah, I'm planning on seeing a white shark in about four minutes. So if you could whip me up a bloody Mary, I'd like to enjoy that while I look at a white shark, great white shark at 25,000 feet. And would you mind putting on the Lion King? Well, yeah, thank you. Good Lord. What you're talking about, Willis?

tell you what I'm talking about. I'm talking about the power of a sunset, okay? I don't know how many of you pavement pounders go for therapy or are on meds or, you know, need to talk to someone or, you know, whatever. If that's your thing, that's your thing. But I'm going to throw something by you that is free. And this is for people that don't require. therapy or counseling or meds or anything, but it's also applicable to people that may need those things in their life. It's a free thing that happens every day towards the end of the day, and it's in the waning hours of sunlight. It's a little thing, it's a little procedure known as the sunset

and I've had the good fortune of seeing many beautiful sunsets in my life and I'm sure you all have as well but I want to talk about the power of the sunset because I've noticed

wherever I've been whether it's been in a tropical place like Indonesia in Tel Aviv, Israel, in Australia, in the United States, in Florida, in California, in Montana, in Canada, wherever you may be, Hawaii, Bermuda. For some reason, tropical sunsets are extra nice. I think it's the air, the warm air.

It just adds to the magic. but what I want to say about them is they are a free source of nutrients and nurturing for the mind, the body, and the soul. I mean, I don't know how privy you are to a beautiful sunset, but if you're needing to find a way to calm yourself down, to lower your blood pressure, to connect with something bigger and greater and deeper than the evening news or whatever is going on in your cell phone. If you want to feel a calmness and a serenity and stare into a masterpiece of nature that provokes creativity and introspection and reflection, and very often deep thought

and sometimes just no thought at all. The sunset has that magical elixir of color and tone and softness and light and the way the sunset affects things around it, the clouds, the sunlight bouncing off the clouds and the horizon and even the building you're sitting in or the lawn you're on. The light changes, the texture changes, the density changes.

Things go from just plain color to rich hues of pink and purple and blue and violet red and poppy red. It's just, what a canvas. And so I urge you if you've got anxiety in your life, If you're feeling rambunctious or unsettled, maybe confused, or you feel like your motor's running too hard, here's what I recommend. Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex? No, yes, yes, the answer is yes, you always want to have better sex. That's what, you want it to be better, not worse, trust me.

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find a place where you can make the sunset part of your day and your evening. And don't just like walk out and go, oh, the sun setting, oh, and look at it for three minutes. And now, well, that was something. Like, make an event. Plan for the sunset. Make it an hour-long event. Even half an hour, if you can. but go somewhere where you know you have a beautiful vantage point go somewhere where you can sit down put your phone away leave it in the house leave it in the car maybe sit there with a friend someone that you you value someone who you can sit and say nothing to but you can feel their presence or someone you can converse with and it has meaning

urge you to sit there and just watch the sun slowly melt into the sea or melt behind the horizon line or melt behind the hills or the forest and just watch it enjoy the slowness of it enjoy the transition of the colors enjoy the transition of of daylight into twilight and just value it you know how often do we do that do we sit and just value something even even I've noticed with a lot of people

when they go out for a special dinner an elaborate meal an expensive steak or a lobster or I tend to notice a lot of people just wolf it down. They just gobble, you know? It's gone, just like that. It's like, you ever watch a dog eat? You ever prepare something special for a dog? It's like, oh, it's Thanksgiving.

I'll cut up some turkey or some ham, and I'll put some gravy on it. My dog will just love it. And here's what the dog does you put it in the bowl. The dog wolfs it down. Barely even choose it. and then looks up at you from an empty bowl and goes, what happened?

Where's the rest? Is there more? That stuff's gone. I already ate it. Like, they almost, you watch them, their gluttony of a dog, and they consume and swallow this stuff so fast, and you're like, you idiot.

Like, you should have just taken your time and enjoyed each bite, and now you've sucked it down in, like, 30 seconds. a whole bowl of chopped Christmas ham and now your bowl's empty and you're looking at me like there's going to be eight more bowls of this stuff and now it's gone

and you ate it so fast you didn't enjoy it. So what I'm saying with the sunset is make it an event get a comfortable chair or cross your legs on the grass and if you're in cold climates fly somewhere. to a beach, fly somewhere warm, and just let that sunset bathe you. Not just, you know, externally.

Let its warmth and its magic filter right in through your skin, right through your epidural layer, not in a suntan way, but in a touched by an angel type of way. Feel it. Watch it. It's the only time a day you can actually stare into the sun and get away with it. Look at the colors. Look at the shapes of the clouds. Look at all the beauty. It's like a living, moving painting.

And let your soul be calm. Let your worries be calm. Let all your anxieties drift away. and just be in it. It's almost like you ever sit in one of those misters at a hot place, and they have those air misters, and they spray water vapor, and it just kind of floats down on you and cools you and gets all over you. Let the sunset, let the warmth and the magic of the sunset just bathe you

and get all over you. Look at the colors around you. Look at the colors of your own sunsets. skin gold and yellows and oh and it's just like a free free therapy it's like you don't need anyone to talk to you you don't need anyone to calm your restless spirit nature talks but without uttering a sound and let it lure you like a moth into a light bulb just just let it take you let it absorb you and take you away and just just ride with it as it descends behind the horizon line and i promise you this is such good therapeutic stuff it calms the soul it nurtures

the soul it relaxes your mind it expands your mind It even fills your heart with a sense of joy and comfort. There's so much natural goodness and a sunset. It's almost like you ever hear these people on TV, you know, oh, drink the Vitab booster. It's got this and that and eight essential vitamins and riboflavin and all minerals and, oh, you drink this and your body's going to react and it's got everything you need right here.

just guzzle it down, and it's only $400 for the pouches. Just powdered pouches of $400 of goodness. And it's like, now, the sun's got all those remedies, all that goodness in it. So I know you're sitting there. Some of you're going, what the hell is he talking about? And I'm saying, look, even if you're not stressed out, even if you're just going around your normal life, I'm telling you, just sit there.

It'll enhance your normal life, even if things are going great. The beauty of a long, simmering, slowly evolving sunset will enhance the joy of the beauty and the happiness you've already got. It's like pouring hot chocolate fudge syrup over a delicious Sunday. It's just like, oh, yeah. Yeah, I just, I didn't think the Sunday could get any better, but what the hell is this warm chocolate syrup on top of the Sunday? Oh my God, it's so good.

And there you go. That's just a little tip. I know. It sounds simple. It sounds like maybe too much, but trust me, it's so good. for you so just go do it find a way to and involve a sunset or two or three or four as many as you can into your life and let them be your therapist i mean i was talking about it so much i was visualizing it And now I'm, I almost, it's almost like at a sunset in my head.

And now I'm just totally, like, mellow, man. I'm just like, I'm in such a chill place right now. I just want to, like, put moisturizer on my skin and play tic-tac-toe on a beach. I don't, God. Ah, that's all I can say. Now, for some of you who want to actually see what inspired this segment, if you're not on my Twitter feed, go to my Twitter feed at Harlan Williams, and I recently posted, you'll have to scroll a little bit, but I recently posted a stunning sunset on my

Twitter page, and I mean, go and look at it and you'll see what I'm talking about, and you'll be like, I've got to do that. I get it. I get what Harland is talking about. I totally get it. You might even get it just from looking at this picture. It's so stunning. But trust me, being there for real is much more beneficial

because it's something that takes, you know, if you get there at the right time, it takes like an hour to 45 minutes, and that's an hour and 45 minutes of bliss. It's like having a blissful massage or a hot bath. Oh So there you go Just one beautiful way

To calm you down in life And get free Therapy Ah Hello Holland Oh my god What the hell How'd you get in here

Ohland Oh no no no this is all wrong Holland No, no, no, no, don't start with my name Whoa, whoa, whoa, this is no No, no, no Holland Cuckuck

Roger I just I just spent The last 10 minutes Talking about the tranquility And the soothing effects Of the sun Set and all of a sudden

I turn around and you're here Here? Holland. Don't harlan me. You just ruin the mood, As Scott. Holland. Stop saying my name. What are you doing here in my studio?

Holland, I heard you talking about free therapy, Holland. Yes, the sunset is a form of free therapy. Yes, I did say that. So, why do you have to be here? You're a form of health therapy. And why are you wearing blueberry colored socks? Arland. Stop saying my name.

Why? Arlen, blueberries help calm the soul. They don't calm the sun. What do you want here? Holland, I heard you talking about the sun being a free form of therapy, Arlund. Yes, exactly. Exactly. And you know what?

I'd rather look into the sun than have you here giving me therapy. And that's my point, Arland. What is that supposed to mean, Ascot? It means if you're getting your therapy for free, Holland. That means I'm out of a job. Oh, good. Isn't that nice? I would love it if you were out of a job.

You know what? I think I'm going to move to Hawaii and stare at the same. sun all day, even when it's up at its highest and burn my eyes out, not only to get free therapy and get away from you, but if I go blind, I never have to look at you again. Oh, Holland. What? Holland, unfortunately, I can't allow you to have free therapy, Arland. Oh, and what are you going to do about it, As Scott?

I want you to listen to something, Arland. What? Have a listen. On my shoulders makes me happy. Yeah, so? What about it? Oh, and did you know that sunshine causes melanoma, Holland? What is that got to do with anything? Melanoma is one of the biggest cancer killers known to mankind, Arland.

Why are you bringing that up? Holland Why are you bringing up melanoma? What the hell is wrong with you? Holland, did you know that melanoma can appear as a small, uneven brown freckle? So? And can blossom into full-blown skin cancer within a few days, Holland. Whoa, why are you telling me this, Grim Reaper?

Many people die within months, if not weeks, have been diagnosed with severe melanoma, Holland. What the hell's wrong with you, Debbie Downer? Why are you telling me this? I'm just trying to inform you, Holland, that the son is not your friend. And therapy should be paid for, Holland. Oh, I see what you're doing, ask God.

Okay, you're trying to psychologically freak me out so that I don't go look at the sunset and all the wonderful things I just described happened to me because you're paranoid that you're going to lose your wages and I'm going to get my therapy for free. Vald. Yeah, no, don't bother saying my name.

I get it. Oh, Holland. Too bad, ass God. I'll sit in sunsets as long and as many times. What are you doing? I want you to listen to this again, Holland. We just heard it. Listen close, Holland.

Yeah, I get, okay, I get it. Sunshine on my shoulders. Listen again, Holland. Sunshine. Why am I listening again? Why? You just played it. The sunshine, Holland. Yes, the sunshine.

That's what I was talking about, how beautiful it is. Well, if it's so beautiful, Holland, maybe you won't mind hearing about it yet again, Holland. What are you doing? What is this, Ascot? Oh, just a little thing we call the sunshine, Holland. Whoa, what, stop it! Wait. Are you telling me you want me to stop the sunshine, Holland?

The free sunshine? No, no, I don't want you to stop the free sunshine. No one can stop the sunshine. Oh, then I guess we'll play it again, Holland. Okay, we got it. I don't need to hear it again. Oh, but it's free, Holland. Stop playing the sunshine! Arland, did you know that melanoma can cover the skin and bubble up

and make you look like a flaming oven-cooked pizza, Holland? Stop being so descriptive with skin cancer! Your skin turns brown, purple, orange, yellow, red. In fact, Holland, all of the same colors. as a beautiful tropical sunset, Holland. Oh my God, did you just say that the colors your skin turned from melanoma are the exact same colors as a beautiful sunset?

Kind of like the ones you just described. And I believe you said they were free, Holland. I see what you're doing here, Ascot. You're trying to condition me. So that I don't like Sunset, and every time I hear that song... Oh, you mean this one, Arland? Turn it off. Turn it off!

Turn that damn song off, Ascot! But it's free, Holland. Turn it off! Are you telling me you want me to turn off this sunset, Arland? Turn it off! Please! Arland, sometimes if you go on the internet, and you click in sunsets on a Google search. Yes?

And you click in melanomasoes on a Google search. Okay. You can't really tell the difference, Arland. Well, yeah, come on, that is disgusting. Instead of taking you to see a sun sink into the sea in Hawaii, Holland, why don't I take you down to Forest Lawn Senior's home and you can watch a bunch of old people stand in a line in the rec center and take their shirts off, Holland?

What the hell are you saying? I'm saying 14 old people over 85 with the, melanoma standing in a line looks a lot like a tropical sunset holland oh did i mention it's free therapy holland oh my god you are sick get out of here i do not want you here i don't want anything to do with you or the sunset or anything whoops a daisy what's that turn it off turn it off i'll Take your therapy. No more free therapy in the sun, Holland.

No, I will deal with your therapy. Just shut up. Turn it off. Excellent, Holland. I'll see you next Tuesday. Get out! Idiot! Take your blueberry socks. Melanoma old people.

Sick. You're sick. Don't get upset, Holland. How can I not be upset after the things you said? My brain is just full of horrible imagery. Well, let me help you with that, Holland. How? Oh, God, turn it off. Get out!

Get out! Good God, what a moron. Thanks a lot, Roger. You had to let him in, huh? I did this whole beautiful bit. Very sincere from the... hard and this idiot comes in and ruins it because he's worried about his paycheck so he can go out and buy fruit-colored clothing. What a dillweed. God! My apologies to the listeners,

to all the pavement pounders. Oh, God, what a dip. What a total dip. Oh, y'ye, y'ye. Anyway, switching gears, not switching gears, but sticking with the theme of nature. And by the way, this just happened as I was doing this. It's ridiculous. Earlier in the show, I stopped in an earlier segment in between segments

to go and get a drink for my parched labia, whatever the, whatever the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, So the throat are. I think it's the labia in my throat. I don't know what they're called. Trachea, labia, whatever. I don't know. I'm not a doctor gang.

And as I was walking back to the control panel here, we're up on a deck. And there were like three raccoons out on the deck where we're like, you know, like 20 feet up. and they saw me in the window and they ran down the first flight of stairs and I was like, oh, I wonder where they went. So I went out on the deck. I looked down the stairs, and the mother was down on the ground. She bamused, and she left her two youngsters up on the steps.

I was like, oh, how cute. Look, they're curious. They're staring at me. And then all of a sudden, without warning, one of them. I guess fearing the worst Like turned and dove off the freaking deck Like a flying squirrel He just like launched himself through the air

He's aiming for a tree Poor guy he missed it Landed with a thud on the ground I mean it was probably about a 10 foot jump he took Like straight down I hope he's okay I don't see him down there and then the other one just stayed on the steps and stared at me, and I'm like, you know what, I'm going to back away.

I don't want the other one to jump. I did not see that coming, man. I don't know how many other podcasters have real live animal adventures during their podcast, but I just had a young raccoon, like learn a life lesson. I guess that's the tough thing for animals, right? They never know with humans. They just have this instinct. Like those babies have probably never encountered a human before,

but somehow they knew something was up. Human beings are just trouble. And I guess the radar goes off. But what's funny with animals is I guess they live in a world where it's like, you know, you got your human beings who adore animals and love them and want to feed them and nurture them and protect them. And then you've got other human beings who want to shoot them, trap them, kill them, skin them, eat them.

And so I guess it's hardwired into animals' DNA to kind of be very leery and suspicious of human beings. It's funny how they know that these weird, upright creatures that wear clothes and have hair gel are somehow a mortal danger to them. You know, a lot of times in nature, it's like an animal learns about the dangers of other animals through direct contact. You know, a lion learns that a Cape Buffalo has dangerous horns, a wolf learns that a porcupine has quills, a bear learns that a skunk can spray, you know, toxic fumes in its face. but these come from, you know, physical touching encounters. And so they learn this through physical, you know, contact. What freaks me out about animals is they have no physical contact with us humans, and they are just somehow naturally scared of us, like terrified.

Most animals just turn and run the hell away. from us humans. I'm kind of insulted, but I guess we brought it on ourselves. And what I find interesting is when you watch nature shows, our nearest relatives, like the apes and the gorillas and the baboons and the monkey. You don't see animals high-tailing it away from a band of 30 baboons. They're just, you know, a deer, an antelope, or a gazelle. They're just like, oh, yeah, okay, there's about 40 baboons over there.

Well, there's a bunch of chimps. There's a lowland gorilla. Okay. I mean, you know, those things kind of sort of look like us if they're standing up and they're walking on two feet. And, you know, they got the eyes on the front of their face and they got the articulating hands. And, you know, they're like hairy versions of us humans.

But they don't run away from them. So somehow these animals just know that humans are bad news, stay the hell away, which makes me kind of sad. But you know, you got to wonder through evolution how they learned this or how this came to be. Like, you know, if you look at the grazing animals, you look at all the animals, just take Africa. You got elephants standing beside zebras, standing beside hippos, standing beside rhinoceros. Even the lions are laying there in the grass. the hyenas are running around, but everyone kind of is familiar with everyone, right?

But as soon as a human shows up, it's like, holy crap, run, run! And in this case, like a five or six-month-old raccoon just launched itself off the balcony flying through the air. And I hate to laugh, but it landed with like this sickening thud. It sounded like a coconut drop from a palm tree. man. Poor guy. I hope he's okay. I don't want to go down and look because I'm worried that the mother might be there and she might be irate. She might be, you know, raccoons can be very aggressive. And as much as I love animals and am compassionate towards animals, I know from my

experience, you know, I used to work up in the wilderness, you kind of don't want to walk into the path of an angry or upset mother because they will bum rush you, man. Okay, animals, mother animals don't like you. They don't know that you're trying to help. They don't know that I'm wandering down in shorts and a flashlight to see if the little thing's okay. And by the way, you know, little baby animals are very resilient.

They can get knocked around. They can take a bit of a beast. beating. They're designed that way because that's nature. If they weren't designed to be, you know, take a few bumps and bruises, they wouldn't last very long. So raccoons are climbers. They climb a lot of trees, so you have to probably factor in that a lot of raccoons and any climbing mammal or critter has a proclivity to fall a lot. And that's part of the growing pains of being a tree climber. So I'll go look in the morning. And there should be telltale signs.

I'll see if there's any blood. I'll see if there's a corpse. I hope there isn't. My God, it would feel horrible. I'll see if there's any fur. I'll see if there's any, you know, any traces. I'll become like an animal CSI. You know, I'll do a DNA swab.

I'll get the black light and imagine me down there with duct tape making a body outline on the ground of a baby raccoon. You know, they put the tape around the body at the murder scene. How is that going to look when people come to visit? Ah, see how to see you had a baby raccoon murder here, huh? Way to go, asshole. What's next to baby whale? So there you go. our thoughts and prayers

with the baby raccoon I hope he or she is okay but anyways this happened in real time just before Dr. Ascot came in and ruined the show maybe that's why the thing jumped maybe it saw Ascot

lingering around and tried to commit suicide I know I felt like it after sitting with that freak God what a what a past Holland Oh, get out!

Get out! God! That's it. End the show, Roger. Right there, end it. I can't take that freak anymore. I'm going to jump off the balcony with that baby raccoon. We're ending it.

Yep. Sorry, gang. That's the show that you can thank Dr. Asfat and his free therapy. And now I never want to see a sunset again, thanks to that. lunatic oh yeah yeah let's do some announcements and i gotta i'm gonna go i'm gonna go stick my head in a microwave or something how about that um uh this weekend stand-up comedy my last tour gig of the year before i take a rest a much needed rest for the holidays thanksgiving and christmas and new years yes um I will be in Orange County, California, and Irvine at the Improv this weekend, November 15, 16, 17, and 18.

Great club, great venue, great city, great town, whatever you want to call it. The Irvine Improv in Orange County, California. Tickets online at Harlan Williams.com. You can get them in advance. I recommend you do. We always pack it in out there. So get on it. The improv, November 15, 16, 17, and 18, Irvine, California, baby.

It is going to be a hoot, a real hoot. And like I said, that's it. So a good way to wrap it up. I don't have to fly. I can drive from Los Angeles right down to the club. That's always a treat when I don't have to. fly, but then how am I going to look for whales? Oh, God, full circle.

What else can I tell you? Don't forget the new titles are coming on December 3rd. If you want to hear them in advance, become a premium member. I'm going to put them out there probably tomorrow or the next day. Premium members will hear the new title sequence before anyone else. And that's just one of the little perks of being a premium member for $20 a year. You can also hear every single episode of the highway we've ever done. And there's almost a thousand.

You believe it? This is number 968. Holy jumping, gang. So get your premium. Also get your free app. If you don't want to pay $20 a year, you can get the free app for your phone, and you get the 50 latest episodes for free.

That's still a big number. But my thing is you're probably going to get hooked on the 50 and want to hear the other like 900. So, you know, 20 bucks, get you in the door, baby. There's no tricks or gimmicks. 20 bucks get you all of them. So either way, I just want you guys to laugh and have a good time and enjoy the entertainment.

What else? Go to harlowyms.com. If you want to call the podcast, there's a phone number there at harloweems.com. You can call and leave a voicemail. I might play it on the show, on a future show. You can leave me an email. I read all the emails.

I might read your email on the show. Whatever you want. What else? Don't forget to check out my new. comedy special caramel corn the pug kick them in the kibble exclusively on amazon prime you can download it you can buy it you can rent it whatever you want it is there for you uh and that's it's all we have time for today i'm going to go uh do some tanning in the yard hope a raccoon doesn't land on me and stare into the sun baby uh that's it for now hope

you had a good time, be cool, and until next time, chicken chowmaine, baby.