The Harland Highway - 970 - PRINCE CHARLES calls from the UK. Why do we have EMOJI'S? Calls from PAVEMENT POUNDERS! The PERFECT movie??

Episode Date: November 26, 2018

PRINCE CHARLES calls from the UK. Why do we have EMOJI'S? Calls from PAVEMENT POUNDERS! Possibly the PERFECT movie?? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, boys and girls, welcome to the Harland Highway. What the hell was that old voice? Yuck. It sounded like a fart. If a fart could talk, that's what it would sound like. Welcome to the Harlan Highway, everybody. This is your host, Harland Williams, and you are cruising down the Harland Highway. What a wild, wacky, wonderful show we have for you today. I'm going to be talking about a movie, a movie, a blast from the past,

but I'm going to kind of urge you guys to go and re-watch this movie, which I think in many ways is close to being perfect as far as the experience of cinema goes. Wait, way to you hear the choice. You're not going to believe it. Also, we're going to take a bunch of phone calls from you, the pavement pounders. We're going to hear what you have to say

and answer some of your wild phone calls. Also, a crazy news story regarding furry little animals and the royalty, the British royalty, and then as a follow-up to the crazy news story, Prince Charles himself is calling in from the United Kingdom. Can you believe it?

Prince Charles phones the show to talk about these funny little animals, plus emojis. We got to talk. about emojis. Why not? It's the Harland Highway. I have an announcement to know. You're about to go down the Harland Highway. Lock the door.

I don't want to be a product of my environment. Shut up. I want my environment to be a product of me. You're riding down the Harlan Highway. So, put off the fuck to get off this phone. I can get you off. Maybe? Maybe not. Maybe fuck yourself. You're a cantaloupe.

Tie-on. All right, hold tight on the Holland Highway show. I'm ashamed, big daddy. That's why I'm a drunk when I'm drunk, I can stand myself. Keep leading on that tutor, Charlie, and you're going to get a shot in the street. I'm out. Not like a man! What's the matter with you?

I wasn't really sure what was going on. You're listening to Harlan Williams. The rest is bullshit and you know it. Hello. Hello. Hello. Harland. It's Ethan from Dallas again.

Just had to give you another call because I woke up this morning, rushed out the door, and found myself with a vicious case of underwear leg. of underwear leg. Just thought you'd like to know. Chicken jammy, baby. Ah, good old underwear leg. Yes, when one gets

into a pair of pants after they have been laying on the floor all night, and one forgets that one's underpants were also in said pair of pants and one sticks their legs into the pants and begins their day without realizing they're crumpled up underpants are stuck in the side of their leg. It's a phenomenon I brought up a few, probably a year ago during a podcast and the phenomenon

continues. Let's just hope, good sir, that it is a few, At the very least, your underpants that were pressed up against the flesh of your leg were not crunchy, crispy, or moist. God bless you, and Godspeed, sir. Where were we? Oh, yes. Hello?

Hello? Hey, funny guy. Hey, Harlan, it's the Nestle Quick guy, Gabriel. I just wanted to thank you again on behalf of my wife, Carol, and I, for spending so much time with us after the show in Irving on Sunday at the improv there in Irving. And you are always so gracious, and we're so thankful that we get the chance to see you as much as we do. I think this was the sixth time. we will never stop coming

fellow pavement pounders believe me if you have not seen Harlan you are missing out on pure genius he really is one of the greatest stand-ups of our time and I don't

say that just to blow smoke up your ass Harlan I say it because I've seen them all over the last 30 years and your level of genius is off the charts and we are always dying by the end of the show. Thank you so much again.

I look forward to the next time because I'm sure it'll be just as funny, if not more so. And have a great holiday season. And, of course, chicken. Show me. Oh, boy, Gabriel. Thank you so very much. Gabriel calls himself the Nestle Quick guy.

And the reason he calls himself that is whenever he comes to my shows, he wears a very bright yellow Nestle's Quick t-shirt. It's got the logo and the little rabbit, so he really stands out. And as he mentioned, him and his wife Carol come to my shows quite a bit. And I can't thank you enough. Oh, my God, I'm so honored that you're there. I'm so flattered by your more than generous words. I actually, as kind as they are and as much as they warm my heart,

I'm very leery of the word genius. I think people like Albert Einstein are allowed to have the word genius. Me, I'm just a guy telling jokes, but if you feel that they're at a high level of grooviness and you think they're great, I'll take it all. day long and hey if you think i'm a genius that's you know what that's your that's your right but i i i shy away from that word because i i feel like uh real geniuses are far beyond anything most mortals can do so um but thank you for the words and i got to say a little behind the scenes

Gabriel and Carol aren't even aware of this, but that weekend, last weekend, in Irvine, California at the improv, it was my birthday. And, you know, I'm getting a little bit older. And, you know, for one of the first times in my life, I was a little bit down. I was a little bit bummed because I'm getting older. And people around me, you know, I've seen friends and family and acquaintances, starting to feel the ravages of time.

People I know are sadly passing away. People are having health issues. People are having addiction issues. You know, people are just, you know, the years of life are piling up on people. And I'm in a great place I give thanks every day But as I turned the page on another year For the first time I was like

Oh God like I started absorbing all Some of the bad news that was out there And coming at me And you know we've all dealt with it Sometimes things just pile up It's different when you have you know Someone here or someone there is getting sick Or you're dealing with an issue

But when you got a whole bunch of them coming at you at once, it sometimes it can whack you in the face. And so turning another year older was, you know, I'm having too much fun in life. I look around and I'm like, I don't want to get old. I don't want to stop. And I'm not saying I'm an old man. I'm still in a great spot age-wise. But, you know, you start creeping up there.

And so, unbeknownst to everyone I was performing for, I was in kind of a funky place. says inside I was feeling a bit bummed out and a little down. And, you know, I got to tell you just to hear, you know, comments and get kind praise and hear that people and joy that I bring them joy is really fulfilling. And so Gabriel and Carol, I can't thank you enough. And God bless you both. And look forward to seeing you at many, many more shows. That's surely a high compliment to know that people come back

and revisit your stand-up shows. So thanks again, guys. Great voice, Mel. You made my day. Helped to kind of take the funk off of what I was feeling. And Gabriel, you must be some kind of. of a little moral booster angel. You got the name Gabriel.

So thanks, guys, and much love, and we'll see it the next show. Nestle's quick forever. Hello? Hello? Well, hey, there, Harland. It is Chris from South Dakota. Just thought I'd give you a call. I was listening to your podcast there,

and you had the podcast couple on, and they were talking about the dry tongue situation. And I have my own little bit about that. I agree with you 10 times fold. I get the worst dry tongue in the world. I sleep with AC on high, even in the winter. You know, I have an AC in the bedroom. I've had the worst dry time for like the past week.

The back of my tongue just gets so dried out, I can't moisten the back up. And I just wanted to know if you have the same exact issue. Because I personally do think it is because of the AC. but I would like to hear a little bit more feedback I know it was an older podcast but I would definitely like to hear your feedback on that I hope you have a good one Harlan and chicken chalmain

oh god the old dry tongue when you get your tongue all dry from sweeping yeah it's it's annoying man and what's funny is I found here here's a new version of dry tongue okay how about half dry tongue.

Yeah, this has been happening lately. So I sleep on my side sometimes, and I'll wake up in the middle of the night and realize, like, you know, the top side of my tongue is drier than Rosie O'Donnell's wig. I mean, it'll be like the top side that's facing towards the ceiling will be like bone dry. And then the lower part of my tongue, because I'm laying sideways, I guess, is resting on my cheek, which, you know, has saliva, I guess, that kind of, you know, burbles and gerbils out of it. I don't know how saliva works. But the side that's just kind of laying without being pressed against a cheek, a moist inner cheek, is just laying there.

okay and it's almost like a piece of sod you know on your lawn it's like the bottom layer of the sod is against the moist ground so it's it's it's kind of damp but the top layer on a hot day the grass is just like drying out and baking and so i've been experiencing that a bit lately as i've been sleeping on my side and that's weird because then when you when you wake up and you sit up it's like half your tongue feels like it's been like cooking in the oven for a couple of days and the other half is normal and you just kind of you start chewing you're like you're like trying to moisten the other side of your tongue you're suddenly you're like you're kind of redistributing your saliva it's like putting a fish back in the water it's like come on you you've been out of the water too long i i lifted you up and i had trouble getting the whole out and it took me about five minutes to get the damn hook out and I can see your skins all drop let's get you back in the water a little buddy and then you know the fish is when

you put it back in the water it's kind of like it starts to turn over and float sideways and then you got to put it back in and you sometimes you got to kind of rub its skin and sometimes you got to start moving it back and forth to get water over its gills and that's what you got to do to your tongue you got to kind of nurse it back to life and it's weird because like half of it is wet and the other half's like like desert cupcake and it's almost better just to have a full dry tongue so I don't know what the remedy is dude I've talked about it you've talked about it it could be a freaking air conditioner it can be a humidifier you can sleep with a you know moist in a washcloth and stuff it in your mouth

suck a bag of ice cubes, put a sponge in your face, you know, suck a cucumber. I don't know what the hell you do. You know, hire someone to stand over you with a spray bottle. Get one of those guys in the NFL that run up to the football players when they hit the sideline and they squirt gatorade in their mouth. Maybe hire that guy. That guy just stands over your band while you slug.

and every time your mouth gets a bit dry, he just stands there and squirts the freaking gatorade in your mouth. I don't know what the solution is. As long as we're sleeping and our mouth hangs open. Ugh. It's kind of weird and gross, and I'm sorry you had to go through it, but, you know,

the only maybe the good thing about dry tongue is that it tells you that if your mouth was hanging open, long and your tongue on time to dry out so severely, the good news is that means you probably slept for a good amount of time, an undisturbed sleep, which is something we all cherish and love, right? So hopefully that's the consolation prize. You wake up feeling like Frankenstein's lover, but at least you had a nice long sleep. So there you go. Maybe we should just maybe we should just start a dry tongue club and all of us just go sleep in a tropical rainforest.

You know, like naked and afraid. We just go out in the jungle where it's always moist and damp and we just, who cares about the army ants and the lizards and the snakes? At least we'll have moisture going through our nasal passages and into our windpipe when we sleep. We'll always have a nice moist. We might even have tropical plants and moss growing on our tongues when we wake up. Forget about dry tongue.

How about moss tongue? Oh, there it is. It just resolved it. Grab your Walmart sleeping bag. I'll see you down in South America later tonight. Don't forget to bring your alarm clock. Hello. By George, I think he's got it.

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All right, moving on to more Harland Highway business here. I got a number of tweets and letters and so on and so forth. People saying to me, hey man, what happened to the Harland Highway Thanksgiving Day parade this year? Where is it? What happened? We didn't

hear it. Where's John and John doing the color commentary? And I was like, don't fred everybody. If you've noticed over the years, I used to do a Thanksgiving day and a Christmas day, but they were so close together that I felt they're kind of stepping on each other. So what I'm doing now is I'm kind of like, you know, choosing. I'm choosing one event or the other. And so some years over the past few years, I've done a Christmas. Day parade, not a Christmas Day, but the Christmas Santa Claus parade, or I've done the Thanksgiving parade. And so this year, I believe I did Thanksgiving last year. And so this year I wanted to do the Christmas parade. And so don't feel like you got cheated out of a

parade with John and John, John starters and John Water. It will be happening, believe me. In fact, it's coming up real soon like in the next. couple of weeks you're going to hear it so so there you go hang on for that little gem and speaking of gems this is going to be so weird but i want to talk to you about it um i saw a movie recently like a few nights ago i just happened to be cruising i had a little spare time and i was like oh man i want to watch a movie so i went through the old satellite menu And there was a movie that really is, you're going to be surprised when I tell you what it is, but it is really an excellent, excellent movie on so many levels. And I'll tell you why, but it's, it's a little bit of cinema mastery, okay?

And I'm a real picky movie guy. I'm in the movie industry. It doesn't mean I have a better opinion on movies, but. I have a real finicky eye for the visual part of movie making, the directing, the sets, the acting, the directing, the writing. I mean, I even look at a movie right down to the hair and makeup. I look at the props. I'll be looking at the paint in the background on a wall

to see if I can guess if something's like legitimate brick or if they just, you know, fabricated some brick out of cardboard. board or something. I know most of the tricks, because I've, you know, I've done like 40 freaking movies or something like that, and so I know this world, and I'm a movie junkie. I go to all kinds of movies, and it's rare that a movie is pleasing from beginning to end, okay? It's rare that a movie kind of works from beginning to end on many, many technical levels,

and also on emotional levels and cinematic levels and every level. It's very rare you get a movie that fires on all cylinders. And so let me tell you the name of the movie. You're going to be astounded and surprised. You're going to think I'm joking at first. But I'm really not. Here's the movie. You ready?

It came out, I think it came out in the 80s, maybe the 90s, the early 90s. I think I'm not sure, but it's Ghost. You know that movie Ghost? with Patrick Swayze and Demi Moore? You're probably sitting here, what the hell is he talking about? That's a cinematic masterpiece? Well, let me explain, because I've watched it before and felt the same thing. And every time I watch it, I feel it even more.

And I urge you to go and rewatch this movie. In today's movies where there's so many junkers, This movie is very satisfying and gratifying and fulfilling on so many levels. And if you watch it after I've kind of put all this information or my critique in your ear, I'd be interested to see if you look at it through a different prism. And if you don't find it enjoyable now that you're kind of watching it on many levels. so first of all it's actually shot really well like the the shot set-ups and the staging

and the cinematic camera moves and the close-ups and the pan shots and you know just the way they shot it was shot really well there's some really interesting shots there's some really neat shots like down in the subway there's some neat shots in the office believe it or not There's a big office space. It's shot really well.

A lot of good angles and setups and the lighting's really great. So there's that. And then the direction of the movie is really great because everything fires on all cylinders. There's really nothing lacking in the movie Ghost. And even the special effects in the movie, you've got to remember, these special effects were all done before all the digital stuff was available.

Okay, so these effects are kind of like ancient, but yet somehow they kind of work and they were kind of really cool for the time and they, you know, you look at them now and you kind of go, oh, I wonder what that would look like today, but for what they had back then, they did a really good job. There's some really neat visual effects and there's some scum. scary effects. There's like these dark, shadowy figures that are scary and creepy, and there's there's ghost jumping through subways, and, uh, there's some really neat stuff. Uh, and then on an acting level, all the actors really hit it. And, and, you know, Patrick Swayze didn't have to,

didn't have to say a lot, you know, but he was, he was good and, and, uh, and, and, uh, Demi Moore was really good. She was right on cue. with all the crying and the tears and the sadness and then the real person that stole the show was Whoopi Goldberg I mean she is really

really great as Edomay she's the the psychic who kind of tries to con Molly or con Demi Moore after Patrick

Swazy dies and she is just charming and funny and charismatic and her comedic timing is great and the way she delivers her lines and the fact that she's dealing a lot of the scenes she's dealing with someone who isn't there you know she's playing to a person she can't see because it's a ghost

and it reminded me of why we all loved Whoopi Goldberg at one point in time And it actually, if nothing else, it made me sad to see what whoopies evolved into today. She just seems like a really kind of bitter, angry, pissed off, like venomous, like news person. She's on that stupid show The View, and she just kind of, she just rattles off all these social and political opinions and tries to tell us how to feel and how we should think. and she just seems angry and mean-spirited, and it's hard to see. I'm all for people sharing their opinions, and she's certainly entitled to it, but man, you know, it's something you've got to watch out for when you're a public figure,

because there's stuff that the public adores you for and loves you for, and then there's stuff where you can kind of ruin your own legacy. And I hate to say it, but I feel like that's what Jim Carrey's kind of does. doing right now. And I feel like Whoopi's doing it. And a lot of actors, they're just like they've decided to jump outside of acting

and entertaining us and making us laugh and forget about all the bullshit in the world. And now they're busy like trying to cram it down our throats and trying to tell us how wrong we are and how we should think and blah, blah, blah. So it was really nice to go back and have a refresher on Whoopi

and just see how she had much magic and I hope Whoopi goes back and watches herself and you know I'm sure she probably says well I'm growing I'm a different person than when I was back then I'm allowed to grow I'm allowed to change yeah you are but

shouldn't you always want to kind of want to change for the better I there's enough angry outspoken people in the world whoopee I think I think we all just adored you at one point and now I don't know man and you're hard to take. She's hard to watch. I just, it makes me sad.

But anyways, I'm straying a bit, but Whoopie is fabulous. Okay, she's just amazing. She really hits it out of the park. And then the movie on a whole works on so many levels because the movie is working with a love story. It's working with a supernatural ghost story.

It's working with kind of a scary murder plot. it's working with comedy it's working with this kind of this kind of nether world where we're dealing with the spirit world and the forces of bad and good and there's also kind of like a murder plot mystery involved and there's so many

intertwined pieces to this movie and I think what made it work so well is that they just laid them out in the right order nowadays when you go see a movie stuff jumps all over the place and they leave stuff unanswered and they do stuff that doesn't make sense but in this movie

even though it is in kind of a weird supernatural world and of course you've got a you know it's not total reality but given the world that they decided to play in they just really like nailed it

and it's one of those rare movies where one scene feeds the next scene and all the scenes roll together to tell one story and a cohesive story and a story that's easy to follow but also takes us on a roller coaster one minute you're laughing and the next moment you're scared because the murder is coming and then the next moment you're a bit frightened because of the supernatural and then the next moment you're crying because of the love story and it really all just kind of fits. It's the other movie I've mentioned before that does

that is back to the future. The first Back to the Future movie really it really just plays along and works and so I know that probably came out of left field and you weren't expecting the movie Ghost to be so high up on my list but

you know it just hit so many check marks and when you watch it next time you watch it you'll see you'll see what I'm talking about you'll see all the beats it hits the emotional beats and all the cinematic beats and just so much, so much good solid stuff going on.

It's, I don't, I wouldn't say it's an underrated movie because people love it. It's kind of a classic, but I think in terms of a movie that really kind of checks all the boxes in order to really successfully make an outstanding cohesive movie. Ghost definitely gets a huge checkmark for me. So there you go. If you're in the mood for something good and solid and that it works on so many levels, go check out the movie Ghost.

There you go. The Harland Highway. Crazy news story. That's weird. Wow. That's strange stuff. All right. Here we go.

This one is a little crazy Let me read it to you Prince Charles, you know Prince Charles from the United Kingdom Prince Charles is infatuated with squirrels So much so that he keeps nuts In his pockets

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It's a big dog. SAP Concur helps your business move forward faster. Learn more at concur.com. I don't know. All right, let's get into this. Hello. Prince William has revealed that his father, Prince Charles, is absolutely obsessed with a certain type of squirrel.

Quote, he is completely infatuated by the red squirrels that live around the estate in Scotland. Prince told a magazine of the British Weekly, he said that the Prince of Wales likes them. extent that he's given them names and is allowing them into the house. Prince Charles, who celebrated his 70th birthday Wednesday, notice that the rodents are incredibly special creatures. They come into the house and we get them chasing each other around and around inside, he said.

If I sit there quietly, they will do so around me. Well, who doesn't want to sit down and have a bunch of squirrels running around them? What the hell? He said sometimes when I leave my jackets on a chair with nuts in the pockets, I see them with their tails sticking out as they hunt for my nuts. That just sounds so freaking wrong. Like really, really wrong. The era parent has long been an advocate for the environment,

frequently speaking about conservation and climate change, and has even admitted that he talks to his plants. Well, Roger, is it possible for us to, you're way ahead of me? What do you mean? You knew I wanted to go there. Oh, cool. Here we go. Roger, that's why we work well together.

Well, I shouldn't say that. We don't work well together, but we work together. But Roger was on it. He's been, well, I was reading this. He was getting through to Buckingham, Palace in the United Kingdom, and we have Prince Charles on the phone. Great. And you know what? We're going to ask him about this obsession with keeping nuts in his pockets because that's, in the United States, that's not something we do. Okay, good. He's on the phone. Let's put him

through Prince Charles from the UK. Hello, Prince Charles in the United Kingdom. Kingdom, are you there, Your Highness? Hello, Holland. Yes. How are you today, old boy? Great, great to have you on the show, Your Highness. Absolutely smashing the beer. Thank you for having me. I do appreciate it. Oh, my goodness. We're so excited here, and we just finished reading the article about your little hobby, your little fascination with the red squirrels? Oh, those little troublemakers, all is running around the palace, tearing things up,

dashing hither and flow. Oh, my goodness. So they're actually inside the Buckingham Palace, and they run around? I mean, that's got to be a huge space. Oh, my goodness. Sometimes it's like it never stops. It's like a tornado of red squirrels, Ireland. They're just absolutely wonderful to see them using it.

up all that energy and whatnot. And then you like to put the nuts in your pocket for them? Oh, Arlen, I love to stuff my nuts in the pockets of my pants and let the squirrels crawl in. And, of course, they just love to cozy up to my nuts. Yes, yes. When you say cozy up... They love the warmth of my pockets, Arlen.

And when they crawl inside, it's like almost like crawling into a squirrel's nest, old boy. Right, right, because it's kind of like tight and it's warm and it's dark. Absolutely. And then you've got my nuts in there, and they couldn't ask for a better place. So the squirrels are warming up to your nuts. Yeah, so they just curl up around my nuts like a shag carpet being rolled up around a, you know, a plum. And, okay, and, and then what? And then the little buggers, they eat my nuts.

That's right, they eat my nuts right out of my pockets. They eat your nuts out of your pockets. Oh, my goodness, and the noise they make, have you ever heard of squirrel eating nuts in your pocket, holland? I really haven't, Your Highness. Well, if I may... Yes, please go ahead. It's a little bit like this, it's like, okay, your highness, and so...

And it's just wonderful to hear them chewing away on my nuts as I sit around and I watch the other ones jumping around, trying to grab my nuts. nuts and eating my nuts and chewing and nibbling on my nuts. Yes, and, and, and, and when did this fascination occur? You mean the squirrels' fascination with my nuts? Okay. Well, one day the squirrels got into the palace, and, you know, I wasn't that familiar with them, and I just happened to have my nuts out on the table, you know.

You had your nuts out on the table? table. Yes, on the big dining room table, the royal table where we usually eat our meals and I had my nuts out and I was smashing my nuts with a hammer of course breaking them open and

you were smashing your nuts with a hammer? That's right and I guess the scent of my freshly smashed nuts must have gone through the red squirrel's noses and drove them crazy, Arland. Yeah, nothing Get squirrels gone more than the scent of freshly smashed nuts.

Exactly, and I smashed them oh so good. I mean, I pulverized my nuts. I crossed them all, and I will tallywack them. I was punishing to my nuts. Well, if that's what you've got to do to get them open. Oh, my nuts were wide open, and the squirrels came charging in. Oh, my God. They picked them up in their little...

squirrel hands. Have you ever seen little squirrel hands, Holland? Yeah, they're weird little hands. They look a bit like human hands, but they're hairy and they have little black fingernails on them. And you should feel those little hands working their way all around your nuts. Um, I mean, it's really fascinating to watch those little hands put a big giant nut in that hand and, you know, work it like a, like a bowling ball and a bull. Tournament. I mean, it's absolutely spectacular. Yeah, I guess. I mean, to see those little squirrels rolling those giant nuts around in the little tiny squirrel

and it's almost beyond comparison. Okay, and... And then they get their little fuzzy noses, their little wet noses, and they stuff the right into the nuts and take a big giant sniff of the nuts, Oh, okay, so they play with the nuts. Oh, they play with the nuts endlessly, and then they shove their face right into the tender meat of the nut. Okay.

And they sniff it in like Rebel Wilson sniffing Shishabarb, and all you can eat, Golden Corral Scallop Festival. I mean, it's absolutely wonderful, Arland. Okay, so they sniff the nuts. Oh, they sniff them up and down, and then, And what they do, it's unbelievable. I don't know how their little mouths fit them. Uh-oh, here we go.

They literally stuff my nuts into their side pouches. They have these fat cheeks and they shove my hairy nuts into their mouths. Wait, wait, what do you mean hairy? I didn't say hairy, did I? Well, I thought I just heard you say hairy nuts. Well, that's not practical. Oh, Arlen, there's no hair or nuts. Oh, okay.

My mistake, I thought I heard you say you stuffed your hairy nuts into their side of their mouths. No, what I said is they take my nuts and put them in their mouths, and their mouths puff up, and they just love having the nuts in their mouth. Well, they are squirrels. And sometimes, just as a bonus treat, I'll tee-bag the little buggers and tease them and swim. Bring my nuts over the faces. They're little hairy faces like a pendulum ready to... Wait, wait, wait, what, you tea bag?

Wait, you tea bagged the squirrels with your nuts? No, I said, Arlen, that sometimes when I'm having tea with the old bag, that's the queen, don't tell her I said anything, I'll give them nuts while I'm having tea. Oh, okay, because I thought I heard you say you teabagged the squirrels with Now, Holland, why would a full-grown man T-bag anything, let alone a hairy red squirrel with its voluptuous little mouth and its pimple-nibbling teeth? What, pimple-nibbling teeth?

Well, you know, sometimes, Holland, when you've been wearing your undies a bit too long, you know, two or three days, you get little white pimples on the lower end of your bag and you... Wait, what? And those squirrels have just a perfect... teeth and nibble those little white heads off of your nut mountain. What are you talking about, your highness?

But what are you talking about? You said something about the squirrels chewing the pimples off your nut bag? I'm sorry, Holland. I think what I said is I like to keep a bag of nuts nearby in case I run out and I've always got a bag of nuts for the squirrels. But I thought I heard you say you teabagged the squirrel's pretty little mouths so that they could chew the pimples off the undercarriage of your ball sack because sometimes you wear your underpants too long. I say, how rude and vulgar you do realize you're talking to the royal family right now,

don't you, rude boy? Yes, sir, your highness, I do apologize. I just, maybe it's the phone line because you're over there in the U.K. I'm here in the United States, and maybe it's just a bad, a bad line. Well, whatever it is, Holland, I do have to get back to business. I do have to get my nuts out and let the little red ones, I call them, run up and down and tickled them, if you will. Okay, well, thank you for clearing that up for us, Your Highness, and we know you're a busy man, and you're... Your Highness?

Hello, Your Highness. Oh, sorry, Holland. I just, oh, my goodness, I just had a couple of red screws nibbling on my nuts while we were on the phone. Um, you, you were handing them some of the nuts from the nutbag, right? Yeah. Oh, there he goes. Ooh, a little slower, a little slower.

A little slower. we go there well oh oh such a pretty little hairy mouth oh your highness your highness you're you're what oh my what that what that yikes yikes oh my what that yikes okay okay right there right now good bye holland your highness you're what that Roger, that wasn't what I think it was, was it? But it was this guy pulling, these were peanuts, right? Oh my God. My God.

Can we just switch gears, Roger? Why does everything always go off the rails for me? Why can't I have a normal interview with anybody? You think, you know, you get the Prince of England or whatever the hell his name is, and whatever. Let's talk about something a little more normal, if we can call it normal. I want to talk about emojis.

Okay? Do you use emojis on your cell phone? Did it occur to everybody that we're kind of starting to go backwards with human language? If you remember, way, way back, okay? When primitive man, homo erectus and cave dwellers and people like that, people of that ilk, before there was written language, maybe before there was even verbal language, maybe originally things were just like

There's one thing that they did communicate with that was probably pretty clear and obvious, unambiguous. It was cave painting. Yeah, there's ancient, some of the earliest ancient signs of human civilization go back to ancient, ancient cave paintings and cave art. You know, there's the classic, the giant buffalo with guys throwing spears, and there's the woolly mammoths, and there's the dinosaurs. I don't know if there's dinosaur, but whatever is there, these were probably early emojis. Communicating with art symbols, as opposed to writing anything in a written language.

which, as I said, probably didn't exist. So it's like, how are you feeling today, Gorg? I'm feeling hunting. And, you know, draws a buffalo on the wall with a stick figure spearing it. How's the temperature today? Oh, sun. I just painted a sun, you know, emojis. And so what's occurred to me now in the...

the so-called modern era, we are and people are, and I am, I admit, starting to communicate with emojis. So now instead of saying I'm feeling happy or I'm laughing or I'm in a bad mood or you're an idiot, or what the hell's going on, or I'm having a shitty day. Instead of writing letters to form words that lead to sentences that may become paragraphs, I'm putting a little yellow face with a smile on it, or a little yellow face rolling its eyes or a little yellow face that looks, angry. What am I, a caveman? What am I a, a 2018 century caveman? I mean, why don't, why don't I just,

you know, text my friend with a few emojis and then run outside and spear a woolly mammoth in the yard? I mean, that's my question. Are we going backwards here, gang? Are we moving backwards? Are we starting to replace the carefully crafted written language that we painstakingly developed for so long and have dictionaries and encyclopedias for? Are we just going back to cutting out words and just using symbols? Are we going back to the days of ancient cave painting? But we're doing it on our phone? Eye painting?

I don't know. How interesting would that be if people started communicating in whole sentences and paragraphs just using emojis. I, picture of an eye, had a shitty, do the little poop emoji, which still creeps me out, by the way. the idea that we're talking to each other with bowel movements with eyes on them is that just a little nutty? I don't even think the cavemen did that. How are you today, Gorg?

Oh, I just took a seven-pound shit out in the field. Look, it's on the cave, the one with the eyes. Ur, or... My ass still hurts. I mean, what the hell? So I, picture of an eye, shitty, had a shitty day. A day could be the sun. You know what I mean?

You could string whole sentence together. Suddenly it's like a game show. Suddenly every time you text someone, it's a game show. But seriously, why do we have an emoji of a poop with eyes on it? Nobody seems to be questioning this. I don't want to get that emoji. I don't want an emoji of a bowel movement with cute little Pillsbury doughboy eyes on it.

Hi, I'm Bowley. I'm Bowley the shit. Want to play? Who wants to play with Bowley? I know I don't smell good, but I'm soft to the touch. I'm Bowley. Poked me in the stomach. He and don't touch your eye because you'll get pink eye

because I'm a steaming pile of shit with eyes. He, I'm Bowley. Oh my God. I just don't get it. What's next? You know, the afterbirth emoji? The piss emoji? How about a...

There's already a vomit emoji. Have you seen these ones? There's actually a few of them. of them. There's the little yellow face that's barfing up what looks like Lucky Charms or something. I mean, what the hell's... Hi, I'm Diaryi.

I'm your emoji friend Diaryi with little cute Pillsbury doughboy eyes. He... It's a Diary and Bowley. He! We're the shit twins. He... What the hell? I mean, where does it end?

And why do you want to communicate that stuff? But, you know, back to my bigger point, are we dismantling the human language? You know, there's a bush culture in Africa. There's a tribe of bushmen that I think still exist. They're an ancient African tribe. And they communicate with a series of clicking sounds. And I don't know what I just said right there,

but I don't want any angry emails or letters from any Bush tribe people. But that's a real thing. And so they've kind of simplified their language down to a bunch of like, So are we, are we in essence starting to do the same thing? Are we starting to emoji backwards? Where we just start communicating with stupid little faces? I'm happy, I'm sad, I'm puking, I'm shitting, I'm farting. I'm upset, I'm angry, I'm puking, I'm shitting, I'm farting, I'm happy, I'm laughing, I'm sad, I'm depressed.

I'm blowing my stack. I'm rolling my eyes. And I'm shitting. I'm farting. I'm puking. I'm happy. Oh, it's a sunny day. That's a sun, not a happy face.

I don't know, man. It is getting weird. It's amazing the side effects that the cell phone is having on us. It is really changing human culture. I mean, don't even get me started on finance. and dating and communicating and, I mean, just everything. The cell phone is transforming our behavior in so many ways. And this emoji thing is just one of them.

And they've introduced a bunch of new emojis. Like I've noticed every few weeks or every few months, they put out, you know, five or six or ten or fifteen more emojis. Just introducing more ways that we don't have to use words, those annoying words, right? So there you go, gang. Just something to think about. We're slowly, as we get smarter and smarter and more advanced, we're slowly becoming cave people. Congratulations.

All right. more civilized matters. I think we'll wrap it up right there. I mean, you know, we went from His Majesty's Royal Nuts to Bowley, the poo emoji. Talk about sophisticated. It's clear by listening to my podcast,

we are moving forward. Civilization is pressing forward, obviously, thanks in big part to me. Yeah So this will be our last episode With the titles that you heard at the beginning Starting the next podcast for Christmas As a holiday treat

We will be rolling out the new title sequence On the very next podcast episode For those of you that are premium members You got to hear at about two and a half three weeks ago ahead of everyone else, just one of the little perks, a premium perk, I call it. If you want to be a premium member, you can do so. It's only 20 bucks a year, and it gets you those little perks, plus you get every single episode of the highway ever created.

So there you go. Thanks for being here today. Don't forget to get your free app on your cell phone, the Harlan Highway app, and on that app, You can become a premium member if you want, just search around on the app. Or go to the Harland Highway website, Harlan Williams.com, where you can take a peek at some of my upcoming comedy tour schedules. I've already posted a few of the new ones for 2019, just getting started. Also, you can go to the podcast link and find out of a, become,

a premium member, you can write to me if you want to write to me at the Harland Highway at Harlan Williams.com, or you can even call me and leave a voicemail. How about that? 323-739-433-30. 3-2-3-739-433. And, you know, we can hear all your little queries, questions, insults, compliments. Whatever you have, you can leave it at that phone number. Tell your friends to get on the Harland Highway. We're going to have a lot of holiday fun coming up. And as I mentioned, we will have the Santa Claus Christmas Day parade coming up in December. So a lot of good stuff, my shizzles. That's it for now. Hope you're getting in the spirit for holidays. And until next time, everybody.

Chicken. Chalmayne, baby. And you should feel those little hands working their way all around your nuts. Thank you.