The Harland Highway - 972 - We call WALLY the CHRISTMAS ELF in the North Pole. Harland does Xmas singing and stand up. Censored Xmas carols.

Episode Date: December 10, 2018

We call WALLY the CHRISTMAS ELF in the North Pole. Harland does Xmas singing and stand up. Censored Xmas carols. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Oh boy, ho, ho, ho. Christmas and the holidays is definitely in full gear, and this podcast will prove it, Gurgle Blargens and Nargildergens. At the end of the podcast, yours truly, me, your host, Harlan Williams, will be singing a Christmas carol to you. From the bottom of my heart, from the bottom of something, I'll be singing a Christmas carol to you. So hang on for that at the end of the show. Also, we'll be playing a Christmas carol that the censors don't want you to hear anymore.

Yeah, it's a Christmas carol that has some questionable wording according to certain people, and they want it banned. But it's not going to be banned here. We're going to play it. Also, we're checking in with Wally, the Christmas elf. He's Santa Claus's top elf, and you know it's Christmas when we call the North Pole and check in to see how things are going in the workshop. He's a busy guy and he's taking some time out from his schedule to talk to us

and give us an update about the upcoming Christmas season. So this will be amazing. Also, I'm going to tell you, I'm going to give you my secret recipe for a hot, fun, cool Christmas party. Yeah, it's something I do every year. And I'm going to tell you how I do it and how it's done and how you can have lots of fun with it. But for now, let's focus on the fun, right?

here this is the harland highway how do you know my name it's on the marriage certificate never seen you before all my life hold onto your airbag you're heartless heartless monsters all of you through and through you're riding down the harland highway when you see a fallen star when you see a fallen star that means a has just died. You clumsy idiot? The Harland Highway. Oh, I want is to hear people say something again

and to see people moving again. I'm Floyd Bernie, the rockabilly boy. Don't you understand? You're listening to Harlan Williams. I can't be your daughter. I'm a machine. Man, you've been dead a thousand years. Why, George, I think he's got it.

You're riding down the Harland Highway with Harlan Williams. What's up, Doc? Mr. If you're going to lose, you're going to lose right now. Don't leave me here! Well, it's that time of year, boys and girls. It's that time of year when joy and love and sharing and giving fill our hearts. It's that time of year when Christmas lights go up and cards are put in the mail. and people wave and say hide each other and act nice and friendly and it's christmas time everybody

oh joy oh merciful joy oh my god in all seriousness yes it is christmas time and you know we like to celebrate it here on the harland highway it's that special time a year and next week we're We're going to have the Harland Highway Christmas Santa Claus Parade as called by our expert color commentators, John and John, John Walters and John Starter, John Waters, I think it's, is it John Waters, Roger? Yeah, John, John Watts, sorry, John. John Waters and John Starter will be calling the floats as they come down the highway.

And they'll be, you know, adding their flair to an already big and huge and beautiful event. Also, we'll be playing some Christmas songs. I'll probably sing my traditional Christmas carol to everyone before the big day. You know, I put my head, my singing voice on the chopping block, and I sing a carol. It was a little present to everybody, you know. And then also, I think we're going to visit, are we doing that right now, Roger? We're going to visit Santa's Workshop? Yeah.

And Wally, the Elf's there, right? Yeah, okay, so we do this every year. We have a direct line to Santa's Workshop. And Wally, the head elf, the lead elf in the toy workshop, gives us an update, keeps us a breast. of how things are going in the workshop, how the toys are coming along, all that stuff. So can we go, you've got the connection now? Okay, well, we never really have it for that long

because of the weather. So why don't we jump right in and get this Christmas season off with a bang, the bang of a hammer, that is, and let's go right up to the North Pole and check in with Wally, the Christmas elf. Oh, I can hear the workshop. Hello, uh, Wally, are you there?

Wally. Hello. Yes, there he is. Wally the elf. Uh, how are you, Wally? Well, I'm extremely busy if you want to know the truth, but how are you? Well, uh, very good. Merry Christmas.

Happy holidays, Wally. Well, thank you very much. Oh, my God. Hold on, Melvin. Melvin, get the hell away from the gingerbread man. Now you don't. Don't lay on top of them. No, you don't lay up.

Stop moving up and down. Oh, my God. He's humping the gingerbread, man. Hello. Hello, yes, Wally. Oh, my goodness. Santa had a little party for us. It's a kind of a, you know, welcome to the season party.

And these damn elves, you know, every one of them. Drunker than an Arizona henhouse whore. An Arizona henhouse whore, Wally? Yeah, you heard me. Oh, my goodness. We got, it's so busy here tonight. So all these little elves of mine, you know, I guess they got into the sugar plum punch. And my God, they are half-week twisted to the wind, these little freaks.

Oh, so there was a little celebration, and it sounds like the elves were a little too festive. A little. Oh, my God. This place is, it's like I'm working. with a bunch of crack addicts running around with hammers and screwdrivers. It's frightening. Oh, oh, my God. Well, how is the progress going on the toys, Wally?

Well, we'll do what we can. I mean, have you ever tried to, you know, run a workshop full of, you know, inebriated, you know, three-inch tall freaks with curly shoes and pointy ears? Well, I haven't know. Well, welcome to my world, for Christ's sake. Melvin, I told you, stop humping that gingerbread man. No, get the hell off of them. Off, get your kid off.

My God. Wow. Yeah, wow is right. Have you ever seen a little elf's ass go up and down in the air? Um. Yeah, and I don't know why. I don't know if his zippers, you know, rubbing up and down on that ginger bin. But the sparks coming up his groin.

Sparks off his groin. You heard me. Oh, my God. Hold on. Oh, my God. What the hell are you? You get out of there. Oh, my God.

What is it, Wally? Oh, two of the elves just, it looks like a combine and Elwood just. Oh, for Christ. They went into the gingerbread house and carved a glory hall in the wall for a crick. Get the hell out of there. Oh, a glory hall? Hold on. Get your candy cane out of that hole.

You're supposed to be making toys for children. your sick pigs. Get back to work. Hello? Yes, Wally, what that's... Sounds like it's out of control there. Well, that's what the... You know, blame the fat guy.

The fat guy? Yeah, the fact, Sandy Clause. I mean, for Christ's sake, what does he expect? You know, an hour before we start open the workshop, he throws a, you know, let's go to work party. Okay. And he serves up these bowls of sugar plum punch and Mrs. Claus, you know, I think she spikes it with, like, the illegal rum from Newfoundland

or something. Oh, my God. So these, these elves are like seven tits to the, to a fucking henhouse horse Friday. A henhouse horrors Friday. You heard me. Wow. Well, is this going to get in the way of, you know, getting everything done? Well, it's not, hold on.

Here we go. Oh, here we, there goes tidily winks. Tiddly winks and gum, hang on. Okay, Wally. Tiddly winks. What did I said? Get the gooey gum drops out from under your shirt. Pull them out.

I see him in there. And you, Galfuncle, stop squeezing his chest. Okay? They're not real elf tits. Elf tits. They're not, take the gooey gum drops out from under your shirt, Tidlywinks. And stop pretending you have elf tits. What, Wally, elf tits?

Oh, these idiots, you know, they're juiced up on the big guy's sugar plum punch, right? Okay, yeah, I think you mentioned that. And so these idiot elves, they get the gooey juke-tubes, you know, the big gumdrops. Okay. And they stuff them up under their elf shirts. All right. And it looks like they are bazongoids, you know? Bazongoids?

You know what I mean, like Christmas crumble cakes. You mean? look like women's? Yeah, Christmas crumbull cakes, and they squeeze them and they think they're having fun with one of the female elves. It's a Me Too movement, if you ask me. It's a Me Health movement. Oh, my God.

Yeah, well, I'm glad you cut it off when you did. Yeah, well, someone's got to do it. That's my job. Oh, my God. Tiddly Wings. Hold on. Tedley Wings. You point it down.

Put her down. Put who down, Wally? Oh, but Tiddly Winks has got Malibu Bobby, and she's forcing her to give a left-dance to the Mr. Potato, and Jesus, quite put it out, Tiddly Winks. Oh, come I go and get Tiddly Wally. Oh, my God. Wally, can we ask you some more questions? Yeah, you better make it quick.

This thing's spiraling out of control like a Nova Scotia frat party on a Saturday night with a donkey in the room. Now, are you going to have time to get all the toys done? Are all the good boys and girls going to be able to get their presents? Well, you know, that's a very good question, Mr. Williams. A very good question, because look at the crowd I've got to work with here. I got Melvin Hump and a fucking gingerbread man, okay? All right. I got Carmine, his candy cane stuck in a glory hall inside.

the gingerbread house. Okay. Elwood's got jub-chub stuck up his shirt. He's walking around like Rakel Welch and Dolly Barton out of Love Child. Oh my God. And Gough Uncle and Tindley Winks are giving a laugh dance to Mr. Potato Head with Malibu Bobby. You tell me if we're going to get done on time. Oh, I'm sorry, Wally.

I mean, it sounds like... Well, it sounds like I got a lot of work to do. Now, if you're finished here, I got to get back to this. Uh, yes, sir, I, I, I understand it. Hold on. Carbine? No. No, you don't get off of Teddy Ruckspin's forehead.

What do you mean? You're giving him a Teebag. You stick to get the hell off Teddy Ruxpins forehead, you sick, Pony Vite. Can you believe this shit? He's dangling his elf nuts on Teddy Ruxpins forehead. Okay, well, we'll let you get going and we'll check in with you. again before Christmas, okay? Yeah, why don't you do that?

Thank you for calling. I'm sorry that... Oh, my God, hold on. Elwood? No. No, you do not wipe your elf bottom, okay? You do not pull down your elf pants and wipe your elf bottom

on the side of Raggedy End's face. Oh, my God, I got to go. Okay, thank you, Wally. Oh, geez, Elwood! Whoa! Wow, yikes, that took a weird, wacky turn. Holy jumping. Oh, boy.

Well, we don't want Christmas to get off on a sour note by any means. I mean, you know, maybe we just chalked that up as pressures of the workshop, right? I mean, they got a lot of toys to make for seven and a half billion people on planet Earth. But, you know, maybe while we're on the note of a sour Christmas, just for a second, I think maybe we should investigate this, do a little euletide sleuthing. You know, over the last little bit, there's been this controversy over this song called Baby, it's cold outside. And basically, it's a Christmas carol that's been around for 60 years.

It's one of the regular classic Christmas carols that's in the lineup. But now people are saying, and I don't know who the people are, but it's usually small little groups of people that affect the masses of the people. So a small group of people have deemed that the song is inappropriate and that there's too much suggestive wording in it.

The song is about a man and a woman, clearly on a date, being flirtatious, and, you know, the man's feeling romantic and the girl's feeling romantic, but it took place back in the 60s when things were a little more cordial. People didn't have sex on the first night. There was a whole thing called courting and getting to know someone and building it up. So, you know, romances were dragged out a lot longer and done in a moment. more respectable way for the most part, right?

And so in this old song, it's a song about a girl who's over at the guy's house for a date, they're having a little nightcap, and the snow starts coming down. It's Christmas, and the girl says, I better get gone, I better get on my way. And the guy doesn't want to ruin the moment. It's obvious they're having a good time, and he's saying, why don't you stay? It's cold outside. You know, it's snowing, it's miserable. We got drinks, we got each other, we got love in our eyes.

Why don't you just stay? And so the song's kind of a little romantic play on two consenting adults, sharing a drink, being flirty. And now, with the new connotations attached, because we've moved so far ahead in society, You know, we're so more far ahead than we were back in the 50s that now it's inappropriate to play a song that would suggest men and women flirt and have drinks and so on.

And so to make sure that nobody is offended, we will play the classic Carol Baby It's Cold Outside, but we'll take out anything that we deem could be misconstrued as offensive or aggressive or, you know, demeaning. We don't want anyone's feelings hurt. We don't want anyone's feathers ruffled. We don't want there to be any sense of anything or any wrongdoing. So we will take this classic romantic Christmas carol,

and we will play it for you now, but we will censor the parts that we deem to be not appropriate. So you're still going to get your Christmas carol, You're just not going to be able to hear the stuff that we think you're not supposed to hear. Because we think that it would turn you into a predator or we think it would, you know, make everyone crazy. So to do the right thing, we are going to edit out the bad parts, and we hope you enjoy this Christmas classic, baby, it's cold outside. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy. All will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and fast.

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You know, on second thought. Yes? I really can't stay. Maybe it's cold outside. I've got to go away. Maybe it's cold outside. This evening has been hoping that you drop in. Very nice.

I'll hold your... They're just like ice. My mother will... Oh, what's your hurry? My father will be... ...so really I'd better... Please don't hurry. Well, maybe just...

Some records... The neighbors might be... But maybe it's... ...drink... ...cats to be had out there. I wish I knew how... ...rise are like... ...like this spell...

I'll take this spell. I'll take your hair looks Not to say no Mind if I'm I'm gonna say that I try What's the sense of hurting Oh baby don't Baby it's cold outside

I simply must Maybe it's The answer is It's inside The welcome has been How lucky that you dropped in So nice and warm Look out the window

At that storm. My sister will be, sister. Gosh, your lips. Brother will be there at the dome. Waves up on a tropical shore. My maiden aunt's mind is efficient. Gosh, your lips. Maybe just a cigarette moor.

Never such a pleaser before. I've got to get a cold. Say, lend me a cold. It's up to you out there. You've really been grabbed. I'm thrilled when you touch my... How can you do this? Found to be talked tomorrow.

Think of my life. Please, there will be plenty of plied. If you've got pneumonia and I'm really. Maybe it's cold outside. There you go. See, censored for your protection. So now it's just, you know, it's just two people singing in a room talking about a snowstorm. There's nothing in there that should disturb anyone or, or, or,

freak anyone out. So there you go. That's the brand new version of Baby It's Cold Outside, and now we can keep it in the rotation of all the other songs. I think we got just about anything out that could be deemed offensive or inappropriate. So there you go. You're welcome. Free service from me to you. great? Isn't it wonderful? Isn't it festive? Okay.

Let's move along here down the Christmas highway. And just before I move on, I just want to remind you that towards the end of today's show, as I do every Christmas season, I put my head out on the chopping block, I warm up my singing pipes, my trachea, my esophagus, my labia, my uterus, whatever the hell is in my throat. And I attempt to sing a Christmas carol as a little Christmas present to you, my faithful pavement pounders.

So that'll be today, towards the end of the podcast today. I'll crank it up for you and see if I can, you know, lay a little caroling on your beautiful ears. Now, let me tell you about a little tradition I started doing at my place at Christmas, and this is a lot of fun, and I don't care if you steal it, please do. I came up with it on my own, and it's a fun way to have a Christmas party, and it's just silly and not a lot of pressure. So here's what it's called. I call it the 99-cent store Christmas party. We all know, you all have one in your neighbor, a 99-cent store, the dollar store, the $0.89 store, the $0.89 store, whatever.

There's always a store with, like, cheapy items, right? like you go in and there's a there's a porcelain angel there's uh there's boxes of cereal from a third world country there's there's plastic toys that have more choking hazards on them than uh you know a box of a Lego in milk and cream okay um so you know you know the old the old buck store so what I do, I sent out an invitation and it says, Harlins, you are invited to Harlan's 99-cent store Christmas party. And here's how it works. You pick a night, okay, somewhere between like now and Christmas, and you invite all

your friends and you make an invitation. And what the invitation says is it's a 99-cent-store Christmas party, and everybody who comes must bring one wrapped present from the 99 cent store or somewhere like that. You know, like it's got to be a goofy, cheap present that's like a dollar or less or whatever, right? Now, the logic behind this is that everybody loves to get a present, everybody likes to get a wrapped present, everybody loves to open a present. What people don't like to do is spend a lot of money on presents and they don't want the pressure of having to pick out a good present

that's appropriate or that matches the person's vibe or matches the person's personality and they don't want to spend a lot of money on a present. They don't want to take a lot of time on a present. So the 99-cent store party is what I tell is I say, you have to bring one wrapped present. Each person has to bring one wrapped present from the 99-cent store because if you don't bring, then somebody doesn't get.

I write that on the invitation. If you don't bring, somebody else doesn't get. So everybody has to bring a 99-cent store present. It doesn't matter how big or small it is. You just got to wrap it because we all love opening presents. It's no fun if it's just in a bag or there's no fun. wrapping on it, that the fun is, you know, it's almost more fun opening a present than getting a present, right? And so the other step is when people come in, they have to place their 99-cent

store present in a giant box, okay? I put a great big box in the middle of the room, and everyone just puts their present in there. It's anonymous. There's no names on them. There's no two, there's no from. It's just a wrapped present, and they all go in the big box okay so as everyone comes in they put them in the box fills up and up and up and up and then everyone enjoys the party everybody has a drink everybody says hello everybody tells a joke whatever you do at a party uh and at exactly 10 o'clock so that the party starts at 7 which is a good hour it's a good time to start a party because it's dark and everyone's done work and uh you know so i started at 7 and then I write on the invitation.

I write presents open at 10 p.m. sharp. Because a lot of people don't want to stay really long at a party. Some people don't want to stay. My party says it's from 7 to midnight, right? So sometimes people just want to drop in for a little bit and then take off. They don't want to stay all the way to the end of the party. And so 10 o'clock is like the perfect spot because it kind of keeps the people there that were thinking of leaving early.

It's like, oh, they were going to leave at 9 or 9.30. But you know what? They're opening the presents at 10. Let's stay at least 10. So that way, the bulk of all your guests at least stay till 10. And by the time the presents are all done with, it's 10.30. So it's a good way to keep people there, keep them engaged, keep them interested, and keep them excited about something.

And, of course, it's a Christmas party, right? So you want to have a Christmassy thing. You know, it's one thing to just have people come and mill about and have an eggnog, but the opening of the gift gives people something to look forward to, something fun, something Christmassy, right? And so at 10 o'clock, what I do is I turn off the music and I ring a bell and I say, attention, everybody, everybody, hold on, quiet, please. And then I direct everybody to go to the box and pick up one present.

okay so now everyone at the party has one wrapped present in their hand and you can i hate to say it even though it's adults you can feel the excitement you can feel the playfulness you can feel the the the childlike excitement coming out of everybody it's really it's actually really fun and so now everybody has a present they're holding it and you don't want to do this thing where you just you know it's okay it's your turn it would take forever so what i do is i say all right everybody we're going to do a countdown. And when I count a three, everybody open your present at once. And it's really fun.

So I do it. It's like, one, two, three, and then everybody just rips their present open at the same time. And it's so funny because, you know, as you know, the 99-cent store does not have the most top-quality stuff on the planet. And not everybody went to the exact 99 cent store, but people get the gist that you're supposed to wrap like a throwaway present or a little junky thing or a funny thing or something stupid or silly. So everyone opens their present at once, and you just hear the whole, all the paper crackling and people are giddy. And then all of a sudden you just start to hear laughter. People start laughing out loud and all of a sudden everybody is holding up their present. and they're all showing their presence to each other.

It really creates a festive mood and a Christmassy mood, and it's just a lot of fun because everyone's got these ridiculous presents. I mean, last year someone got like a machete. People get birth control kits. People get sponges. People get like the junkiest stuff you've ever seen, you know. And it just cracks everyone up. And everyone has the joy of opening a wrapped gift, and we all do it together.

It's a communal moment, and it's a lot of fun, and then people kind of stick around and, you know, laugh about it, and blah, blah, blah. So there you go. That's the recipe for my Harlan's 99-cent store Christmas party. Bring them in at 7. Have the tree, have the fire, have everything Christmassy, have some. some food, some drink, started at 7, on the invite, right, presents open to 10 p.m. sharp and then do it at 10 p.m. because if you do it year after year, you want people to know that you're not joking around. And you can feel the excitement bill. Presence open at 10 p.m. and then you got to put

an end time on your party, like midnight or 11 o'clock or whatever, because if you don't, people have an excuse to linger all night long. God. So there you go, Harlan's 99-cent store Christmas party. Tons of fun. I encourage you to try it if you're looking for an idea to have friends and family around sometime before the actual day of Christmas. And let me know. If you happen to try it, let me know if it went well, if you thought it was a good idea, if people liked it. It's a lot of fun at my house

I'll tell you that much Let me know if you do a 99 cents door Christmas party I want to hear how it went 323-739-4330 And by the way, it's funny because You know, you get all kinds of weird reactions from your friends Are like, what, 99 cents door? Isn't that kind of cheap?

Are you sure I shouldn't wrap something bigger And you have to tell them no the whole gist of it is to just be silly and fun and wrap up a piece of junk and you know really try and make you the other person who's opening your gift laugh so there you go how about that um what else can i tell you oh i did a uh christmas show the other night it was for a great cause it was for a couple of causes it was for uh it was like the toys for tots It's where you, if you come to the stand-up comedy show, you've got to bring a toy for a child.

And also, it was to raise money and distribute a bunch of these toys to the poor, poor people whose lives were devastated in the Northern California forest fires just recently. Up in a place called Paradise and some of the small towns up around that area in Malibu. oh my god i know you heard about it in the news people's homes were destroyed people's lives were lost and just it was just a horrible horrible scene and uh you can only imagine what christmas is going to be like for those poor families this year and so when uh i the the comedy club

reached out to me and asked me if i wanted to be involved with uh the show to uh help help uh you know bring presents and money and goodwill and cheer to these families that lost so much. I did not hesitate, man. I was down there in a flash. And so I recorded the little Christmas get together. And, you know, I had fun. I goofed around with the crowd. I mostly just talked to the crowd, as I usually do with these things.

But I thought I'd play it for you, and you could share in the merriment and the, the, the, the laughing and the silliness of this event. And by the way, at the beginning of the show, before the comedians came out, we had it that a whole bunch of the firefighters and people from the fire crews and all those people that were on the ground helping in the fires, they came out on stage

and people just gave them a huge roaring applause and, you know, those firemen and firewomen and fire people, all those people. people are really just heroic in what they do. And, you know, they risk their lives, and they really go out there to try and help and save people and property on the forest and everything. So our hats off to them.

And here it is a little like 15 or 20 minutes stand-up set at the Comedy Store in Los Angeles, in Hollywood, California. We'll play this for you. Hopefully it gives you a few laughs. And then on the other side, I will sing my magic Christmas carol for you. So without further ado, here we go. This is yours truly live doing the Toys for Tots show for the firefighters

at the Comedy Store on Sunset Boulevard. It's an ex-comic that's here before for you tonight. Please put your hands together for Larry. All right, perfect. Now there. Nice. Hi. How are you, gang?

How are you? Guy? How are you? What is the light to be here? Taylor Stein asked me to come down and do a show. And I go, what's it all about, Guy? And he goes, it's for kids. And we all love kids, right, gang?

Drake gang, sir. We all love kids. And, you know, I said, I'll do it. And I go, what's the show called? He goes, Toys for Twopts. And I'm like that. I'm like that. I couldn't call kids names.

We were all kids once. Me and you were a kid once. Oh, what a treat. How are you? Sir, you're going to cross your arms trying to do it. your arms trying to do a show are you beautiful girls right here we got you with the little fun little hat and not fun maybe later me and you can go steal a hundred one dalmatians today you with the uh what's saying that sea otter look at that far somewhere

get her an abalone and see if she'll crack it on her stomach or a rock and you of course we don't have to say anything beautiful beautiful look at all these toys isn't this fun ma'am where's your there's an empty seat you're here alone oh sad we don't want to see that during the holidays right people alone are there any single guys here tonight dude you want to come up and sit with the beautiful lady, it's my Christmas gift to you. Good. This could be the best present for the rest of your life, bro. There we are.

Merry Christmas. You guys actually look good together, too. What's your name? Michelle. Johnny. Johnny and Michelle. I think we have a new Bon Jovi salon. So you're probably single.

Are you looking? Ladies, are you single? There's an empty seat right there, huh? All three are you single? Oh, fuck. Maybe I'll sit there. You come up here. I'm going to go there.

I bet you like a guy with a nice car, huh? One of these ones? One of these ones that's scar like that, right? Chim-chimmery, chim-chim-chim. Some of them can steal puppies real good at the night. Is there if you can close your legs and smell? Good, Christ, fucking Greeks. Jesus, nice.

It's like Merry Calender's lasagna over there. Are you excited by? Isn't she beautiful? How long have you been single, bro, Sefiyosh? Couple of years? Did it end bad, the last one? No, we're still friends. You're still friends?

I don't think she needs to hear that. hear that. Ma'am, what about you? A year. So a year, two years, that's three years of aloneness, huh? And then I walk into your lives. You don't live here. That's okay.

That's okay with him. He'll stalk it. He'll travel. Doesn't he have beautiful Ted Bundy eyes? I think you're a good. couple I hope it works out are you texting who you texting that's okay that's what people do now I say you hit it under the table what your sister what did you text your my material he's got Ted Bundy eyes see if she's laughing see if

she's laughing check your phone she's laughing she's laughing Hamith, you can look away, I don't like your eyes. This fun, the hollet. Isn't that, what's that Teddy Ruckspin over there? How about that fucking guy, huh? Remember Teddy Ruxman, the talking teddy bear? God, would you love to see Satan possess that little fellow? The kid pulls the string.

Oh, I'm Teddy Rockbair. I'm going to eat your soul, Billy. Okay, maybe not holiday themed material. How are you guys? You're doing good? The little hat? That fun. You got a check mark on it. What's your name, kid? Steve? Okay. You working, buddy? Where do you work, Steve? Where?

Nexus. Where? Nexus. Yeah, the car. Nexus the car. So you work in a car. In the trunk or in the front? You drive the Nexus.

You have the only one. Okay, selfish. Sir, if you can take your hand off your chin. Where's your sister, you know, love? Your twin, you have a twin sister? There's an empty scene right there. Where is she? She's in New York, you miss her.

Probably hard during the holidays, huh? Are you going to see her? Are you going to see her on during the holidays love? Yes. She'll be back. What day will she be back exactly? What is it? Next week.

What day? Is what I am. Back? What day? Wednesday? Okay. What time's the flight kit in? No idea.

No idea. You're just going to let her wing it. Well, we all traveled during the holidays, right, guy? Sir if you can put your leg down? Oh, thank you. I was traveling recently. Anybody here drive at all? Whoop who drives? What do you drive, guy?

You did that? It looks like you fist more than that. drive. You see this fucking guy with Billy Idol over here. What do you drive player? A challenger? That sounds intimidating. Like to see this guy with road rage. Fuck. Where was the last place you drive, guy? Las Vegas. It's a long empty road out there, huh? Sir, if you can laugh on the others do? I was driving recently.

You drive, right, bro? Yeah. Where was the last place you drove, for example? Kentucky. Kentucky? Okay. Oh, chicken people? You drove to Kentucky, bro?

How come, bro? That's where you're from. where you're from. So you drove to where you were from. That's weird. So what did you get in the car, cross the border into Ohio, and then drive right back in? Because that's where you're from? You. Out. Don't want you watching my show. I'm busy. Sorry. I'm 13. You just burned yourself there, right? What much, bro?

I want to load a tiny tim at Christmas over here. That guy just wrote my material for me. I was balbbing with the Kentucky guy that's a Christmas fucking magic happened. I'm a show just going downhill with all I drive into my own stick. Nice, nice, a drink cake. I drove recently through the country. Ma'am, have you ever driven through the country, my love?

No, you've never driven through the country at all. You drove through Napa, sure. Guess what, ma'am, that's the fucking country. You didn't know you were in the country? John, I think the buildings have gone underground. What were you doing up in Napa? you're doing some cervets, you're doing some wine tasting, right guy? Wine tasting?

Were you? See? Told you, fuckhead. Guy, you probably driven through the country, huh? Put the glass, you got glasses, you probably pull the roof down when you drive, huh? This fuck, you want to do a little old routine for us now? Come on, do another trip. Let's see. Give my son a hand. Isn't he a blast? That's my son.

Give my son dying. He's pre-up. He's going to be a girl in the morning. Give him a hand. Who likes to pop my son's cherry in the morning? Give him a hand. There's a girl in the back with an American. flag on her sweater. I see you, man. Sitting all alone. Lonely. Is there someone with you tonight? Love? There is.

There is. Where is he? She got up and went to the bathroom. She got up and went to the bathroom. Number one or number two? Huh?

I don't want to know. No, but I don't. I do, I ask. Oh, is that her? Ma'am? Lemonade or loaf? Is she looking? Man, we're in the bathroom, love?

Yeah. Lemonade or loaf? Huh? Lemonade. Lemonade. Saving the loaf for later. Why am I looking at this crowd over here? This guy earlier called you a fucker, remember?

Did you like that when I said that? He was a fucker. Right to you. Did you like it? You did? How come, bro? I'm from Germany You're from Germany

You are fuckers, yeah I've nailed that one, huh? I love your accent You want to hit Ikea later, bro? That's Swedish? Who said that? Swedish? Okay, thanks, Google Earth, all right?

Can't do my own fucking act up here? Suddenly I get corrected by the geography team. Like I didn't know fucking IKEA was Swedish, right? See, when you're doing comedy, you got to react in a split second, right? So when I hear a goofy, fucked up European accent, I got to join the dots like Molly Ringwald with a sharpie on her fucking face, you know? And so right away, I thought, what's going to elicit a laugh from this fucking nutty hammered crowd, right? Boom, German? Yeah, I'm from Germany. Boom, Ikea. Boom, you took the bait

and laugh. You're all fuckers. That's the one dog that fell out of your hands and went under the wheel. Isn't that fun? She ran over, and now there's only a hundred Dalmatians. Right here, faster. How are you a certain nice beard, Isis? You have a fun love bug? You're missing your sis, aren't you? What's your name, your little sis?

Elizabeth, and she fun. She nice? They said you're twins, right? Who's older? Who came out? Here we go, gang. Here we go. Sir, here we go.

Who came out for? Who came out first, and who came out second? She's older. By how long? So you're going to like this. It's going to be incremental. Germans like the exact thing. It's going to be an matter of seconds, maybe minutes at the most.

Hold on to your polar sausage. How much older is she? Four and a half minutes. Bro. Does that turn you on? You have a girlfriend. Where is she, bro? Back in Germany.

Dusseldorf, Cologne, Hamburg, Stuttgart, name of city, fuckface. Stuttgart? Frankfurt. What part is the Frankfurt? Liebenstassen? West End. West End.

West End. West End. It's pronounced West End, sir? Vestead. What street, guy? I won't tell me, bro. It doesn't work when you say bro, by the life. I won't tell you, bro.

It's like you say, what's up, jive turkey. It just doesn't work. Maybe if you could put your drink down doing a show with the German general. How's it going? Any fireworks yet? Dude, uncrossed the arms. I'm sorry. No, that's standoffish energy. Like, be open. Be open to the vibe.

There you go. Do you want to hold hands at all? Be it away? All right. Let me do it at the Arby's drive-thru. All right, let me do one joke. Just, can I do one joke? That's job.

This is aiding who fly in aosje. I was driving through the country, ma'am. And what did I see? What do you see in this? the country, huh? Checkmark, Charlie? Huh? Hills. Okay. I was going to say cows, but and I will say cows. I was driving through the country. I saw some cows, right? You've seen cows, right, Prosh? You've ever seen cows with your twin? You're both bobbing down the highway and your pink convertible

with fucking subway wrappers on your face I see some motherfucking cows, right? I stop the car, bro. I pull over, I walk up to the barbed wire guy. Right, you've seen barbed wire. You've got it around your teeth. And I pull, I walk right up to the barbed wire.

There's the cows. I go, you fat fox. You fat milk squirt and fox. stupid, sat milk squirt and bastards and I'm like, holy shit, oh my God, I realized in that moment, I'm lactose intolerant, right?

Folks, that was my one joke. This toys for twas for me, isn't for me. Oh, yeah. So there you go. There you go. I finally got to one joke at the end of my

set, and did you notice it got the least amount of laughs. I finally did one joke, and it kind of ate it, but everything else, just the rest of that, I just made it up in the moment, just flying by the seat of my pants, right out of the gate. I got to tell you, man, that's just so much, it's almost more fun than doing jokes, because jokes, I rehearsed them, I write them, I know what's coming, but if you listen to that whole set. I didn't know what was coming. One word to the next. And it's kind of fun and thrilling and spontaneous. And I, it just, it gives me a charge. So that was a good time.

Once again, our thanks to all the amazing safety fire and rescue people who are out there, not just in California, but in all of our communities. If you can find a way to tweet them or mention them on your Facebook and just remember them during the holidays and say a cheerful, grateful thank you to them. I know they would probably appreciate it. So there you go. So that was the little Yule Tide cheer at the Comedy Club. And now, drum roll, please, as we finish up the show, why don't we finish it with my yearly Christmas Carol to you guys, the pavement pounders from me to you

and we'll belt out a tune and then we'll end the show just before I do that a few quick announcements we will be doing the Harland Highway Santa Claus parade next show so that'll be perfect it'll be just in time before Christmas the Santa Claus parade is called by

John Starter and John Waters and that's going to be a ton of fun and very Christmassy. So that'll be the next podcast. And if you want to check out my stand-up comedy schedule, there are some new dates posted at harlornwilliams.com. Also, you can leave a voicemail. You can leave an email.

Remember, I want to hear about your, if you decide to do the 99-cent store Christmas party, leave me a little message and tell me how it went. hopefully it's a hit 323739 4330 want to hear about it and don't forget to get our free app and don't forget to get to the Harland Highway store if you want any of the merchandise we sell you have to get in there it'll be cutoff time by the end of this week I don't know if we'll be able to get it to buy Christmas but we'll try so if you want any of the fun merchandise we have for sale at harlo-williams.com. Get in there. Okay, enough. Let's do this.

Let's get to the Christmas Carol. Well, here we go, everybody. It's Christmas. This is the time of you and I sing a Christmas carol to you, the faithful pavement pounders. So, let's do it, shall we? Yeah. Sleep those rain.

Are you listening? In the lane. Snow is glistening A beautiful sight We're happy tonight Walking in a winter wonderland God away is the blue bird Here to stay is the new bird

He sings a love song as we go alone Walking in a winter wonderland In the meadow we can build you're still a man And pretend that he's harsh around He'll say, are you married? We'll say no man But you can do the job when you're in town Later on we'll conspire

As we dream by the fire To face I afraid the plans that we've made Hey, babe, walking in a winter of the land. Yes, everybody. Merry Christmas. I hope you have a great, happy holiday with you and your family. From me to you, Harlan Williams, here at the Harlan Highway. Happy, happy holidays.

In the battle, you can build a snowman, and pretend that he's a surface cloud. We'll have lots about with Mr. Snowman Until the other kid is off the down And it's old, ain't a-vailing Through your nose gets a chilling We'll bother to play the escrow away Walking in a winter to underland To face unafraid the plan to be made

Walking in winter, Wonderland. Yeah, it feels good. Merry Christmas, everybody. Yes, Merry Christmas, everybody. Thank you for being here, everybody. I hope you're having a great festive holiday season, the upcoming weeks. A few more weeks till the big day.

and just put a smile on your face, put a twinkle in your eye. Remember what it's like to be a kid. Remember this is the season of joy and caring and giving. We don't get that all through the year, but don't forget that that's what this is really about. And share a smile or a handshake or a hug with a stranger or a friend as you walk along on your merry way through these holidays. So we'll catch you next time.

get the Santa Claus Christmas Parade next episode of the Harland Highway podcast. Thanks for being here. And until next time, ho, ho, ho, and chicken chamee, baby. It's like I'm working with a bunch of crack addicts running around with hammers and screwdrivers. It's frightening. Thank you.