The Harland Highway - 973 - Harland Highway SANTA CLAUSE PARADE. Xmas songs and carols from the dark side

Episode Date: December 17, 2018

Harland Highway's 89th annual SANTA CLAUSE PARADE. Xmas songs and carols from the dark side Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Ho, ho, hey, hey, hey, Christmas time is here. Yes, everybody, it is Christmas time. And you know how we know it's Christmas time? Because today on the Harland Highway podcast, we are going to the Harland Highway Santa Claus Parade. Oh, my God. Yes, our two color commentators, John Water and John Starter, will be there. They will be calling the parade, all the wonderful, beautiful floats coming down,

the Christmassy Harland Highway Boulevard. Oh, just so much fun. So we'll be checking in with them throughout the show. We'll be going in and out, checking in on the floats that come down the street. Always wonderful. Also, we're going to be playing some Christmas carols, some favorites that we usually play here. We're going to talk about the tradition of the Christmas tree.

Oh, yes. How many of you put up? a Christmas tree. We're going to be talking about that. Also a classic Christmas Carol featuring the lovable Grinch, the Grinch that stole Christmas. We're going to be talking about the Grinch and his little history and another Christmas carol. One of the pavement pounders called him for a very specific artist we play every year. You're going to like it. So get your Christmas stuff on. This is. The Harland Highway.

How do you know my name? It's on the marriage certificate. I've never seen you before in all my life. Hold on to your airbag. You're heartless, heartless monsters. All of you threw it through. You're riding down the Harland Highway. Oh yeah!

When you see a fallen stock, that means a witch has just died. You clumsy idiot. The Harland Highway. Oh, I want is to hear people say something again and to see people moving again. I'm Floyd Bernie, the rockabilly boy. Don't you understand? You're listening to Harlan Williams.

I can't be your daughter. I'm a machine. Man, you've been dead a thousand years. Why, George, I think he's got it. You're riding down the Harland Highway with Harlan Williams. Eh, what's up, Doc? Mr. Piaveau. You're going to lose right now.

Don't leave me here! Have yourself a merry little Christmas. Let your heart be like. Oh, yeah. From now on, our troubles will be out of sight. Oh, wouldn't it true? the Christmas time Don't your troubles just go out of sight

And it's just Songs like this Don't they just like It's like putting a warm blanket around your body It's like all year you're out in the cold And you're fighting the elements And the rain and the wind and the snow And the hail and the sleet

And then Just this warm cozy blanket it somehow gets around your body and it's this time of year it's this type of music these songs these feelings that just fills you up

with warmth and joy and oh I love it why aren't we like this all year I just want to like hug people and shake their hand and say hi how are you merry christmas how are you today oh i love it the joy joy what other time of year do you feel it i mean you do but i don't know all these songs and the trees and the lights and the even the commercial shit i don't care i love it all

Merry a little Christmas Oh Anyways, it is Christmas And I hope you're having a good holiday This is rolling you into it And as promised Gurgle Nurgens and Bledgerglis schlerglins What would Christmas be

Or the holidays be without A Harland Highway holiday parade? Now, this year, we skipped over the Thanksgiving Day parade because we did that last year. And this year, we are doing the Harland Highway Santa Claus parade. And it's this episode where I know that John Waters and John Starter are actually getting settled in in the booth up over the parade. These are our color commentators, John Waters and John Starter. and they hover high over the parade, all the festivities, the crowd, the people,

and they're in their little booth, and they've got their hot chocolate and their ear muffs. And they sit up there and they watch. Oh, got to listen to this part. Oh, anyways, they watch. They tell us what's coming down the road. They are live at the parade, Without further ado, let's get to the Harland Highway Santa Claus Parade with John Waters and John Starter.

Hey, guys, how are you? Well, hello, Harland. We are here at the 93rd annual Harlan Highway Santa Claus Parade. Oh, man, wow, what a beautiful day. Oh, the sun is shining. The clouds are in the sky. The streets are lined with eager young children. watching the parade and adults and old people and just a whole collection of Christmas loving people

right here out on the side of the Harlan Highway waiting for the floats to come by. I'm John Waters and I'm here with my partner in crime. John Starter, John? Well, thank you, John, for that very long-winded introduction. but well now let's not uh no i mean you know what is this your parade i mean uh you know i was about a three minute intro and i'm sitting here uh you know staring at the bluebirds flying around in circles well uh we won't be staring at bluebirds long uh john uh we have in store for us a wild and wonderful collection of uh christmas floats coming down the street

second now oh man wow well oh man oh wow to you but to me how about uh good night caramel corn ice cream uh what what does that mean john it means last year we had the biggest collection of lemons i've ever seen in my life it was like a convoy coming down the street of giant four-wheel drive muscocks turned Well, okay, John, that might be a little harsh. Before we've even got started, you've already cast a gray cloud over the 27th annual Santa Claus Day parade. Well, I haven't cast anything, and what someone should do is cast a net over this parade before it gets started because I have a feeling it's not really working, John. Well, let's not, oh, man, wow, we shouldn't get ahead of the curve here, John, because, you know, you can't judge a book by its cover, or you can't count the chicken eggs before they hatch.

Wow, man. Well, someone just is about to make a turd omelet with all those eggs, because speaking around, coming around the corner, here comes our first float. Oh, God. Oh, man. Wow, look at that. Look at the bright yellow colors. Yeah, yellow like dirty piss at the bottom of a hockey locker room urinal. Well, now, John, let's not go down Negative Street here.

Let's see who we have here. It looks like Carly's Corncomb Express. Oh, sweet, heavenly jumped-up jelly bean Christ. Well, it looks like these people are corn on the cob manufacturers. You can find their cobs fresh in the vegetable section or frozen in your grocer's freezer. I'd like to find the bodies that whoever put this brain together frozen in my grocer's freezer. Now, John, look at this beautiful float. It's a couple of giant cobs of corn strung together so that it looks like a trade.

made out of uh cobs of corn well whoopty do and call me hansel and gretel it's not really working now what do you mean john it looks like a fun corn cob express and well look at that if i ever wanted to get on a train going to cornville maybe i'd jump on this freaked out butter soaked salt adventure But look at this thing. I mean, are you serious? Cobbs of corn that make out to be a train? Chew-choo, chew, chew, I think I'll go take a poo-poo. Now, John, I think...

Oh, look down there walking beside the Corn Com Express from Carly's Corn Com Express. It looks like we have some people dressed up as Cobbs of Corn walking alongside the cord combs express, John. Yes, and these are called niblins. You ever hear of such a stupid expression? Human beings dressed up like cobs of corn, and to try and make it cute, they call them niblins. Well, I'll tell you what,

last time I sat on the toilet and dropped a seven-pound brown trout, I looked down and saw a few niblins. I'll tell you that. Now, John, let's keep focused here. at this they're handing out cobs of corn and wait a minute oh my god it looks like they're not only handing out cobs of corn it looks like they're rolling the cobs of corn right up people's faces what the hell is that there's hot searing melted butter on those cobs and those niblin freaks you heard me niblin freaks are rolling cobs of corn up and down on people's faces like they're

painting the side of a barn with a paint roller. Oh my God, it's not really working. Well, you know, John, I am a little confused as to why they'd be rolling cobs of corn up people's faces because they're Carly's Corn Cobb Express and the niblins should jump into a bowel movement because that's exactly where they belong and someone should flush them down the Turn highway. It's not really working, John. Oh, my God. It looks like they're rolling up and down that old lady's face and she's got hot butter and salt in her eyes, John. Oh, man. Wow. Can you say Carly Corncom's courtroom express? Because I smell a smelly niblin covered lawsuit. And somebody's about to go to cream style corn jail. It's not really working, John. Well, we'll see what else is

working as we move along here. We're going to cut away, Harlan, and we'll be back for our next float here at the 42nd Harlan Highway Santa Claus Parade. We'll be right back. Oh, let's not bother. John? Oh, it's not really working. Well, there you go, gang. There it is. The first segment of the 29th Harland Highway Santa Claus Parade. And sounds like they got things off to a bit of a bumpy start. Carly's Corn Cobb Express came down the road.

It was a, I guess, a bunch of cobs of corn strung together to look like a train. And I guess the sweet niblins were rolling cobs of corn up and down people's faces so I can see why it got a little crazy there but you know let's that's the first float's always the ground breaker so we'll we'll check back in with John and John

very shortly as the parade continues but for now let's take a phone call Roger one of the pavement pounders had a Christmas request Hello? Hello? Hey Arlen Beavent Pounder Rich here

um getting that time for a little rudy casoni snowballs especially in the midst of the uh baby it's cold outside you know rudy's a little off color with the women so uh i think that'd be appropriate play it please thanks bye bye yeah it was this time a year about a year ago i think around the holiday seasons and i was at home waiting for the old lady to get back she'd been gone a couple weeks you see's So I had a couple dozen hot toddies or so waiting for there. Huh. Finally the door opens up.

Rudy! Hey, baby, it's been a while. Take off the dress. She don't. She gives me the stink eye. Where's the tree? What do you mean? What tree?

It's Christmas Eve, Kazoni. Oh. Yeah, I thought it was June. She says, that's it. That's it, Rudy. I'm leaving you. I've had enough. I can't stick no more.

I found another guy. I'm gone. Hold on baby. What do you mean on Christmas Eve? You're leaving me? You found another guy? Who is this Joe? What's he got that I don't got?

Well, he's really cute. Baby, it's me. It's Rudy. He's got a short red suit. I know I ain't no beauty, but if you squint your eyes when the lights are low, you got one swell-looking skinny day go.

Kids love him to boot. Was this more than a date? He's got a sack a loo. No, you little ain't great. Well, yesterday you're my lips smack up. Now you're a sugar plum nut cracker. I did not forget Christmas. No, I hunt some mistletoe in my pants.

Pack her up! There's snowballs like mine. There's snowballs like the ones you're leaving behind. You're going to miss my back, spackling, crackling hot. You'll log. Wax nostalgic for my steamy holiday nogs. He's jolly and bad. Who is this pet?

He's a rosy and bread. I should have guessed. Don't hit your ass on the way out the dough. You ho-ho, snow-blowing, ho-ho-ho. Oh, Merry Christmas, Rudy. Blow it out your dingle. Don't go getting snooty. Oh, so you bag to cringle. So long, but don't forget, my dear.

Oh, fat, so comes but once a year. There's snowfalls. Who live up in the co? I like these. I love his big North Pole. They jingle, jingle, jingle down below my knees. You're going to miss roasting my chestnuts. Oh yes ma'am, good luck without my pink honey glazed holiday ham.

Because there's snowballs like mine. There's snowballs like these twins you're leaving behind. And there's snowballs. Snowballs! Hey, look up, baby it is. There's snowballs. Snowballs. Snowballs.

And there's snowballs like those 99. Knocked out nuts or cuckoo stones you're leaving behind. Dear Santa Claus, thanks for nothing. P.S. Could you possibly bring me a new bra? Or if not, I don't know, toss a couple of drunk elves in my bed or something. A couple of your little helpers. If they help you, they can help me, pal.

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Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Oh yeah, Rudy Carsoni. Thank you for the request. We do it every year. I hadn't forgotten. I was actually going to play at this show and then one of the pavement pounders called in

and was getting impatient for the snowballs. And I was like, all right, I better play this pound puppy. So thank you for your call. Rudy Carsoni is a character that a good friend of mine does an actor named Toby Huss. Me and him did a movie together called Down Periscope. And I was the sonar guy, and Toby was the electrician on board a submarine.

and we've been buddies ever since and Toby does this Christmas show every year here in Hollywood, California as this character, Rudy Carsoni, and he's kind of like a dirty Frank Sinatra. Toby kind of looks like Frank Sinatra, and so he kind of does this whole kind of throwback to the rat pack type of Christmas show

with a bunch of dirty acts and mimes and drunk Santa Claus and this year I'm happy to announce for the first time ever I'm so honored and excited my buddy Toby has asked me to be part of the show so this year I will be

doing a little skit on the Rudy Carsoni Christmas booze bag review is what he calls it if you want to go if you live in Los Angeles and you want to go out and be a part of this thing

It's December 19th, 8 p.m. at the Dynasty Typewriter Theater, the Hayworth Theater. It's in downtown Los Angeles on Wilshire Boulevard. 2511 Wilshire Boulevard. It starts at 8 p.m. December 19th. Rudy Carsoni Christmas boozebag review. And it is naughty, it is dirty, it is raunchy. and people love it. He does it every year.

It's singing, it's dancing, it's comedy skits, it's a spectacle, and it's kind of a different kind of, you know, knotty way of looking at Christmas. So that song we just played as one of Rudy's songs. He cut an album called Snowballs, which is available online if you look around for it. Rudy Carsoni, Casoni, Snowballs.

and every year we play that song it's part of the Harland Highway tradition and you can go back and play it over and over again but interesting comment from our pavement ponder who requested the song mentioning that in light of the you know all the censorship they want to throw around uh baby it's cold outside they they wanted to censor that song

and I find it interesting because uh you know my buddy Toby, who does this character, you know, he's kind of doing a send-up of the old kind of the rat-pack days when, you know, where guys called women broads and chicks and things were a little more rough around the edges. But the whole gist of Toby's show is Rudy Kassoni is that it's kind of satire. It's kind of like tongue and cheek.

It's meant to be kind of raunchy because it's kind of a tip of the hat to that era. And in today's politically correct and overly sensitive time we live in, you can almost imagine somebody saying something about this. And here's the real kicker for me. Like this song is like a guy who's not known as a singer. He just put this song out for fun. It's people who go to his show get it. They're showing up because it's raunchy and it's supposed to be politically incorrect.

And it's a great song and it's a lot of fun and it's purposely politically incorrect. But no one gives it any notice, right, except for us people that listen to it. But if this song became big and it was huge and it was, you know, being played across the radio airwaves, you can bet people would find a million ways to try and shut it down, right? But as long as something doesn't get big, as long as something isn't out there feeding the masses, nobody cares, right? It's only when somebody does something that's big and gets a lot of attention.

That's when people just want to come out of the woodwork and crucify them. So let's try and change that, right? Let's try and just be accepting and listen. to things, and if you don't want to listen to something, shut it off or turn the channel. Not everyone who does something that's a little off color or blue or edgy, they don't have an agenda to destroy people and stereotype people and, you know, knock people down a peg. Sometimes as humans, as a human community, sometimes we have satire. Sometimes we lovingly mock each other

Sometimes we even make fun of each other But we can't forget about when it's like fun and silly and in jest And turn everything so serious That no matter what you say People are out there looking to make it serious And looking to knock people down Who are having a little fun So let's never forget our sense of here.

humor, okay? There's no room for mean-spirited, cruel stuff. But let's not mix that up with fun and sarcastic and self-mocking and learning to laugh at ourselves stuff. Okay? So there you go. Thank you for the request for Rudy Kassoni, snowballs. And I think before things get too serious here we better get right back to the uh the harland highway santa claus parade hey guys well hello harland it is getting loud out here uh the air is filled with excitement you can hear the marching bands down in the street oh man wow look at those look at them marching in unison down there what a formation yes well Well, you know, really, if you think about it, John, how hard is it to walk in step with another human being?

Well, what do you mean, John? Well, everybody gets their girdle up in a twist when they see a group of soldiers or a marching band walking in form down the street, step, step, step, step, okay. And really, how hard is it? I mean, it's like a bird flapping its wings. Who doesn't know how to step at the same time another person does, John? Well, you know, John, it really is an art form. Well, then somebody should hang it on a wall and lock the museum because it's not really working, John.

Well, now, let's not chastise the brilliant workings of the marching band. there. And why not? Have you ever heard of a thing called a cliff, John? Yes, I know what a cliff is. It's a high rocky perch, usually, you know, hundreds of feet above the ocean or on the edge of a mountain? Well, why don't they march right off a cliff? Okay, well, let's march our eyeballs to the end of the street because it looks like our next float is coming around the corner John and just in time I could feel my lunch marching up into the back of my throat and I was going to puke up some Campbell's soup and a grilled cheese sandwich if I have to watch any more of that marching bullshit well now let's us take it easy there John take it easy my hairy speckled left ass cheek

enough with all the marching. Okay, John, well let's take our mind off the marching because here comes our next float and what a beauty it is. Oh, I can't wait to hear what this Christmas gem will be, John. Well, this is a float that was put together by the Tri-County STD free walk-in clinic. Are you shit in my drawers?

No, John, I'm not, This is a free clinic where people in the community with STDs can walk in and have a check-up. And I know what it is, John. Good Christ, on a crushed-up cranberry cracker. Well, I don't know what that means, John. It means this is a Christmas parade, and why the hell would an STD clinic be allowed to have a float in a parade that recognizes the birth of our? Holy Lord Savior, the Holy Lamb Jesus Christ. Well, you know, they say God created us, John, and if he created us, he also created

STDs, sexually transmitted diseases injected into the middle of a festive Santa Claus parade. It's almost like this parade just contracted herpes. Well, speaking of herpes, John, here comes the float. And look at it. It's a 40-foot herpy rolling down the middle of the street. Oh, sweet, bundled up baby Jesus on a stormy night in Bethlehem. Well, it is a big float, John, and it's pink, and there's crust on it, and sweet God on an apple tree.

If that isn't pus oozing out of the edge of that float, I don't know what it is. Well, I think they went for realism here, John, and there does appear to be a bit of herpes pus excreting from the edges of the Tri-County STD Free Walk-In Clinic float. Oh, sweet, partridge in a pear tree covered with syphilis scabs. Well, speaking of syphilis scabs, it looks like some of the characters on this lovable giant herpes float there's a bunch of crabs. Yeah, and it almost made me think we were watching a seafood float. But those aren't the crabs you get at red lobster during Scallop Fest.

No, they're not, John. Those are the crabs that inhabit the pubic region of people who are unfortunate not to get them. But thank goodness for the STD Free Walkin Clinic and all the wonderful work that they do. Oh, man, wow. Oh, man, wow, my crumbly cracked-out crunch crackers. Well, John, what does that mean? It means, look at the way they're dressed. We've got a giant herpy floating down the street.

God forbid it hits a power line. We're going to have the smell of freshly cooked charbroiled herpy meat permeating through the air. Oh, man, wow. We've got people dressed up as vaginal crabs. and pubic crabs. Well, it is a STD float, John. And here's the real kicker. Can you believe it?

People dressed up in costumes, walking down beside the float, shaking hands with children. And am I Sherlock Holmes or am I Nancy Drew? Well, what does that mean, John? It means if they're not dressed as vaginal warts, I'm somebody's shishabobab twin. Well, I think you nailed the herpy on the head with that one, John.

Oh, man, wow, it looks like some of the little characters walking down beside the float are, in fact, dressed as vaginal warts, and isn't that appropriate to raise awareness? Hold the phone, Shakespeare. This is a Christmas parade. And what hour of the night, what hour of the day, and what hour of your pea break? leprosy face, makes you think that there should be vaginal warts walking down the street with snow elves, ice princesses, and snow people. While it is the STD, sexually trans, don't say it, I know what it is, I went to college.

Now, if you think having people dressed as vaginal warts, shaking hands with men, women, and children is a good idea, then somebody throw me in the same. subway tracks and pick up my severed legs and go play a round of soccer in Europe. Oh man, wow. What are you saying here, John? What I'm saying is this giant herpy crawling with crabs and vaginal warts walking down Main Street is not really working. Oh man, wow. Wow indeed. And somebody get me some hand sanitizer and dip me in a sponge bath. I feel like I got VD just watching this fiasco. Well, John, don't stress.

There's still a lot more to come. We're going to cut away before our next float comes down the street in an anticipation, John, of the jolly red man himself coming up at the end of the Harlan Highway 19th annual Santa Claus Parade. Oh, Jesus Christ. One of the herpes just slipped. So one of the crabs just slipped onto a vaginal ward. Well, that's what you call a seafood buffet, John.

Wow. This is not the time for jokes. This is the time for penicillin. Jesus jumped up. Jerry Jingle and Django Christ. It's not really working. Oh, man. Wow.

Holy smokes. Wow. Okay, I guess we'll check back in with John and John later in the show. We still have to see Santa Claus come down the street. So we're excited about that. And speaking of excitement, did you put your tree up yet? Are you a Christmas tree person? Oh, man. I put my tree up the other day just a few days ago.

And there's just something about that ritual that is, I don't know. just kind of, you know, people say they meditate to cleanse the mind and the spirit, or they chant, or they do yoga, or they go and sit on a cliff and write poetry on rice paper? There's something very soothing and very meditative, if that's a word, meditative, or I'm just making it up, I think, but there's something very, I don't know what the word is, but it's spiritual maybe. I don't know. Communal.

There's something about putting up a Christmas tree. You know, and especially a live Christmas tree. I'm not trying to take away from those of you that put up a fake tree because you probably get the same feeling. But for me, I like the live one because it involves the scent. And putting up a Christmas tree, it's about a lot of textures going on. It's about a lot of the senses it was. work. When you get a real tree, you know, you got to touch it. How often do you, you know,

in your busy life, do you wake up and go and lay your hands and your fingertips on a tree? How many of you ever do it? When was the last time you fondled a tree? And so it, you know, trees are, trees are very connected to the earth. They're connected to nature. They're They create the air that we breathe. They have roots in the earth. I mean, they're a living entity. And although they are cut, there's still life going on in the tree. And so when you grab a tree, I'm kind of like going deeper than you probably would think of.

But when you grab a tree, you're not just grabbing a tree. You know, grab that tree and slap it up. But when you think about the tree, when you really think about what you've got and what's your hands you should celebrate the life and the spirit of a tree you know you should appreciate that this thing started as a random seed in the earth and it and it extracted the nutrients and the vitamins and the minerals from the earth and it absorbed the water and it grew it it was kind of like a sperm the way this you know thousands of sperm rushed to the egg and whoever makes it to the egg becomes a human being or a puppy or a moose or whatever

it's a struggle and it's the same journey for trees not every seed that lands on the forest floor germinates and becomes a tree it's it's the lucky ones it's the healthy ones it's the ones that just happen to land on the most fertile piece of land or landed on a place where there was enough sunshine to nourish them and let them sprout so a tree is a little bit of a miracle but it's a living thing you know there's vibrations and there's energy that passes through a tree.

And the tree excretes. It excretes energy and scents and carbon monoxide or whatever the hell it is. I mean, there's a lot going on in a tree. And so when you buy a live Christmas tree, you're laying your hands on this bush, this living thing. and you're feeling the needles of the pine tree or the spruce tree or the poplar tree or whatever species of fur tree you get and you're feeling the needles

and you're smelling the sense and you're touching the bark and the branches and you're hugging it against your body and you're getting the needles stuck in your sweater and in your hair and it's like it's like you're connecting. You're connecting to this thing that nature produced, this little miracle. And so you're touching and you're feeling and then you're smelling when you get it into the house.

Your house fills up with the scent of the pine or whatever, the fur, or whatever the cedar, whatever you've got in your house. So now you're touching and you're sniffing and you're not really tasting. I don't want you to start, you know, grazing on your Christmas tree. But it's also bringing to life, it's probably having a chemical reaction inside your body because of the stimulation of the Christmas spirit and the Christmas tree. Do you know what I mean? It's like when you first start dating a girl or you buy a new car or you get a puppy

or anything fun or exciting in your life, your body, your brain has chemical reactions. to all these good feelings. And so I think your body and your brain associate a Christmas tree as a thing of good, a time of good. And so the chemical reactors in your brain, your neurons are probably releasing endorphins and dolphins and dolphins and endoplasms and things I'm just making up. But it makes your body and your mind feel good. And in a way, it's calming and relaxing, but it's also exciting and it's peaceful. We know that the Christmas kind of represents a time of peace and joy and love. And I think isn't it interesting?

Isn't it fascinating that a tree can inspire these emotions and feelings inside of you? And think about it, you pass trees all the time. You pass pine trees, you pass fir trees, you pass maple trees. but you don't commonly have all these feelings come out of you because of a tree. But when you take a tree and you carry it into your home and you lovingly place it into a tree holder and you fluff out the branches and you pour water in the tree holder to just give it a little last gulp at life,

and then you lovingly and gently and adoringly, this tree with beautiful lights and Christmas bulbs and all these probably little trinkets that have been in your family your whole life I mean it's it's it's it's an event man it's a thing and I think it's a healthy thing and it and because you only do it once a year it's it's it's a build-up it's it's a conditioning that your body has that when the tree event happens, the picking up of the tree, the transporting of the tree,

the erecting of the tree, the decorating of the tree, the flicking the lights on, and then even once it's up, once it's in, oh my God, the residual effect of the tree and the home. I mean, it just radiates throughout the house, not just on Christmas Day,

but for the whole holidays. I mean, all these feelings, and chemical reactions I just talked about I think they're elicited just when you see the tree whether you walk into the room and there it is

even though you've seen it a dozen, two dozen, three dozen times something washes over you and that's the beauty and the magic of a tree and it's part of the beauty and magic of Christmas

and so if you don't have a Christmas tree maybe that's something that's missing if you're wondering it I'm not really feeling Christmas. I don't know. Christmas isn't what it used to be.

I don't know. Christmas, well, you know what? Maybe if you're feeling a little humbug or you're not really feeling the joy and the hoopla or the peacefulness and the love, maybe it's time to go out and buy a tree and I'm willing to bet that it brings all that stuff out of you. And even if it doesn't, at the end of it,

you've got a beautiful decorated tree. But I have a feeling all the little, you know, the little steps that you take, the ritualistic steps involved in erecting a Christmas tree is going to bring something out of you and put you in the spirit, the Christmas spirit. I think it's a healthy thing. So there you go. And again, I want to make sure you people that don't have real trees, I think you still get the same stuff.

The same feelings from bringing out a fake tree. It's the whole ritual of putting up a tree. Like I said, with the real tree, you get a few extra, you know, sensory bonuses. But by no means is putting up a fake tree any less gratifying than putting up a real tree. So there you go. Get into it. Put up that little tree and enjoy the Christmas spirit, right? And speaking of Christmas spirit,

my god let's get back to the parade i hear there's another float coming down the street here we go guys how's it going out there and i'm telling you john when she puked it up and landed on the sidewalk and it looked like a gingerbread man for christ's sake oh man wow guys guys guys hello oh man wow here we go hello harland all right guys i'm going to throw it over to you okay here here we go thank you very much. Here we are, John Waters and John Starter here at the 124th annual Harland Highway. Santa Claus Parade, and we are coming down to near the end of the parade, John, before Jolly St. Nick himself comes around the corner.

Oh, sweet heavenly hash. John? Well, you know, maybe this parade, do we have to wait for three? things to come around the corner so far this this this this preyed has been dripping more lemon juice than a box of newman's own lemonade that's been punctured by a porcupine i mean this thing's dripping lemon juice left right and center well now john don't john me i mean i've seen herpes i've seen vaginal warts i've seen the niblet people i've seen who knows what i've seen this is just ridiculous. What the hell's next? It's not really working. Well, I'll tell you what's next, John.

Our next float is a very wonderful. I'm sure you've heard of Elf, Santa Claus and his Elves. Well, who has it? They're like the lollipop boys, but they're chilled on ice. Well, I'm sure you've heard of Elf on a shelf, John. Oh, God, here we go. Last place you want B is in a library, and there's a pervert elf sitting up on a shelf staring down your blouse. Well, now, John, you're kind of in the wheelhouse. What does that mean? Well, this is a new float this year, and this is a little bit naughtier, you might say. This is one for the adults.

Okay, I'm listening. This one's called MILF on a Shelf. What, in the name of Holy Water, spread over Frank. Sanatra's swimming pool. You heard me, John. Milf on a shelf. Well, isn't a milf somebody's mother that I'd like to, you know what? Well, I think that's the term, John.

But this is represented by Hanky Panky's lingerie shop downtown, and they've got what we call milf on a shelf. And as you look around the corner, here they come. 20 or 30 beautiful older women, seasoned women, dressed in the most, shall we say, sexy elf costumes I've ever seen, John? Oh, man, wow. Oh, my God, those mini skirts are so short that might as well be wearing headbands. What in the name of Lucifer's darkest night in hell is going on down there? This is a Christmas parade, John.

And, well, you know, everybody's allowed to have a voice here at the Harland Highway Santa Claus parade. And milf on a shelf, we've got beautiful older women probably hitting, you know, their upper 30s, maybe their mid-40s. Oh, I think there's a few more that are hitting maybe their early 60s. Have you ever gone into the fridge and found a bucket of expired milk? Well, I guess so, John. Well, you're about to smell some cottage cheese wafting down the street. Oh, man, wow. That's right.

I mean, look at these girls or women or whatever the hell you want to call them, John. Well, why don't we just call them what they are? Milt on a shelf, John. They've got mini skirts, and they're wearing fishnet stockings. They have boots that come up to their knees. And boy, oh, boy, are they getting a rousing reception from the young college? boys in the crowd. Oh my God, not only the young college boys, but there's a milf on a shelf, and are you seeing what I'm seeing, John? What are you seeing, John? There's a young boy that ran up

to give a milf a hug, and good Christ, if she isn't motorboating the little fella. Oh, man, what do you mean motorboating, John? Well, that's when a woman shoves a man's face right in between her cleavage and shakes those Christmas puddings like Mount St. Helen just had an orgasm and an oriental steam bath. Oh, wow, man. Now look down there. That's a 9-year-old, maybe 10-year-old boarding school kid, and he's getting his face motor boated around between those booms.

It's like Dolly Parton fell out of the sky and landed on somebody's child. Well, John, I mean, you know, there's always going to be something that slips through the cracks. That's what she said. What's that, John? Never mind. Now, what the hell are we doing

having scantily clad over the hill women that should be at a bingo hall eating coleslaw with a spark? Oh, John. My, wow. Well, I'm serious. I haven't seen this many wrinkles

since a Sharpay fell into my bowl of raisin brand, for Christ's sake. Well, that's definitely a lot of wrinkles, John. I mean, what else have you got on this? Well, what haven't I got on this? I mean, I think I see one of the milfs on the shelf down there as a bunch of cold sores. Good Christ, she's got so many red pimples around her lips.

I thought I was staring up at the big dipper on a cold October night, John. Oh, man, wow. I mean, it's not really working. Children, teenagers, they shouldn't be exposed. to this type of pornography. Well, it's not pornography, John. It's, you know, it's maybe a little bit sexy, but, you know, milf on a shelf, John.

Well, milk on a shelf, my hairy glazed donut ass. Here's another rhyme. How about this one? Weenie on a teeny. What's that, John? You heard me. Milt on a shelf. How about this one?

Weenie on a teeny. I'm not sure I'm following, John. What is a weenie on a teeny? Well, a bunch of these kids down there are 17, 18-year-old teenagers from college. Well, you can say that again, John. They're really cheering. And if you look, well, what healthy, red-blooded American teenage college boy isn't going to get aroused by a milf on a shelf?

What are you talking about, John? I'm talking about a teeny with a weenie. Half those college boys down there have a little. directions. Oh, Matt. Wow. Holy, curled up candy cane juice. You're telling me, John, this is out of control. I mean, their pants are bulging more than a camel sucking a gallon of water from Prince Fala Lala's Christmas Farm. Well, I don't know what that means, John, but holy ham-glazed chicken tenders. Yeah, yeah, that's right, John. I mean, good Christ. Weedy on a teeny. I mean, is that what we want? A bunch of ramped up college boys standing in a crowd, and they've all got risers in their pants?

I mean, where am I? I'm brokeback mountain with a wishbone. Well, wow, John, I don't know what that means either, but good golly, Miss Molly. How about good night, Charlie Brown? Somebody get me a fucking diarrhea plunger. Wow. Oh, man.

John, you're really going off over here today. Well, this is unacceptable. This is a family environment. This is a parade for the family. And you got milps on a shelf. And as a result of these scannily clad booze hounds, it looks like they've been smoking cigarettes all night in the basement of a Reno, Nevada dog rescue.

We've got college boys, 16, 17, 18-year-old standing around with bumps in their pants. It looks like a dune buggy just rolled over a sand dune and hit a sea turtle for Christ's sake. Oh, man, wow. And look at this. It was bound to happen. Look at this. Somebody, one of the teenies got his weenie stuck to a light post. Oh, man, that's going to hurt, John.

Look at that. All because of the milk on the shelf, this poor college kid got all excited. His reptile erupted from the terrarium. And look at that, just like in the movie The Christmas Story, this poor college boy has his weenie stuck to a frosty cold metal light post, and he can't get it off. The other boys are running away, they're terrified, and all you can see, if I can read lips, this kid is saying,

come back, come back, don't go, please come back. Just like out of the Christmas story movie, John, That's right. And because of that, this parade is not really working, John. Oh, man. Weenie on a teeny. You heard me correct. This is like Octoberfest just slid down a bobsled trail

and ran right into the pink and flamed arsehole of a rabid polar bear. Oh, wow, man. Well, we better break away while we can, John. Somebody better break that college boy's we need. away. That guy's going to be pissing ice cubes until Johnny the Eskimo finds a caribou hide in his face.

Wow. Oh, here we go. Well, let's cut away. And as you know, our next float, John. Oh, here we go. Our next float will be the big guy himself. Jolly St. Nick. It can't come soon enough because when you see that guy coming,

you know the parade's over. And I'm sorry to say it, but this parade It's not really working, John. Okay, well, we'll be right back. We'll let the viewers and the listeners at home be the judge, John. But we'll be right back for the final float of the 21st annual Harland Highway Santa Claus Parade. It's not really working, John.

Come back. Please, don't go. Come back. Wow. Oh, sweet, mercy. That parade is, you know, I've never heard of the milf on a shelf. But John Starders was not having it. And maybe I might be with them.

Maybe that is a bit age inappropriate. I mean, there are a lot of kids. I mean, you know, I'm not saying that the milfs on the shelf were naked or anything, but, you know, even suggestive clothing could be a bit too much for the youngsters. And the poor fellow that got his thing stuck to the pole, that's not good. But as John and John said, the next float coming down will be the jolly man himself, which will signify the end of the parade. And we'll get back to them in a few minutes.

But before we go, let's do this. You're a mean one. Mr. Grinch, you really are a heel. You're as cuddly as a cactus, you're as charming as an eel. Mr. Grinch, you're a bad banana with a greasy black peel. Mr. Grinch, your heart's an empty hole. Your brain is full of spiders, you've got garlic in your soul, Mr. Grinch. I wouldn't touch you with a 39 and a half foot pole.

You're a vile one, Mr. Grinch. You have termites in your smile. You have all the tender sweetness of a seasick crocodile, Mr. Grinch. Given the choice between the two of you, I'd take the seasick crocodile. You're a foul one, Mr. Grinch. You're a nasty, wasty skunk. You're a heart is full of unwashed socks. your soul is full of gunk, Mr. Grinch.

The three words that best describe you are as follows, and I quote, Stink, stank, stunk. You're a rotter, Mr. Grinch. You're the king of sinful sots. Your hearts are dead tomato splotched with moldy purple spots.

Mr. Grinch. Rich. Your soul is an appalling dump heap. Overflowing with the most disgraceful assortment of deplorable rubbish imaginable, mangled up, entangled up knots. You nauseate me, Mr. Grinch, with a nauseous super gnarc. You're a crooked, jerky, jocky, and you drive a crooked horse. Mr. Grinch, you're a three-decker sauerkraut and toadstool sandwich with arsenic sauce. Wow, what a classic. You got to have a little Grinch every Christmas, right? Oh, what a beautiful song. Now, did it ever occur to anybody? That a song like that, you just don't get anymore.

And why is it? Why is it? I mean, it's such an original song. It's about a green monster that hates Christmas and has a change of heart. But this is the story of this kind of dark, maniacal character that wants to destroy Christmas. And, you know, what a great character to think of. And then you think of the lyrics to this song. how kind of obscure and weird and poetic they are

and they're kind of silly and dark and they're, they just work, right? And then, on top of that, you get like the most unorthodox voice you've ever heard to sing. I think it was maybe Boris Karloff who sang this song or somebody. I think he did the voice of the Grinch, or he was the narrator. I'm not 100% sure if he sang the song. but whoever they got, it was just perfect, you know.

And I think what's missing from today's culture is that if that were to happen now, the song would be all friendly and nice and no one, you know, they'd be afraid to, you know, say anything bad about, even the Grinch. You know, they wouldn't be able to say your, your heart's darker than a ripe banana. And I'd rather have a crocodile and, oh, no, that. That'd be too politically insensitive, right? It would be all nice. And, of course, they'd never get, like, an old guy with a deep voice to sing.

You can know, it would have to be Carrie Underwood. Or one of these corny, you know, pop music country guys, like Garth Brooks or that creepy Australian guy that hosts American Idol. The guy who's married to Nicole Kidman. I don't even know his name. That's how much I care about the guy. But these are the kind of like commercially accepted cookie cutter, sugary kind of mainstream talent, if you want to call it that, that they would get, that they would attach to this. Instead of thinking about what the story asks for, what the mood and what the tone of the art is,

They just want to forego all that and go, what's the most popular? What's the most commercially acceptable? What do we want to feed people that will sell lots of records and they don't have to think too hard? I mean, think about it. Nowadays, would you ever hear them cut a Grinch song with a voice like that, with lyrics like that?

Hell no. And this was done back in the day when art was art, and they found the right people for the right job. And, oh, it wasn't all reliant on who's trending and who's got the most Facebook likes and who's got the most Instagram friends and who's got the most Twitter feed and all this BS. Who's on the most watched reality show and who, oh, God.

The thing that makes this song work is it's sincere. It's legitimate. It's real. All the pieces of the puzzle to put this song together came from the right integral place. The source material, Dr. Seuss, the wording, the wordsmith, the lyrics, the voice, the actor, the sound, the, oh, it's just it's all there, man. Now, despite my critique, my review, let's keep it focused on what it is. It's about Christmas. And this is one of those songs that, you know, I think is registered in all of our hearts and minds.

And when we hear it, it makes us feel very Christmassy. And so I like it because it's one of those ones that gets away with making you feel Christmassy, even though it's about a kind of a bad Christmas dude. But I think what we like about it is we know he's a bad dude at the beginning of the story. but by the end, he realizes he understands the joy of Christmas, the understanding. He hears the who's down in Whoville singing, and even though all their presents and their trinkets were taken away, their perception of Christmas was far beyond all the accruments and all the decorations and all the purchases. The spirit of Christmas lived within their hearts and their minds and their souls.

and this crotchety old Grinch that wanted to take it all away realize that you can't take it away because it's almost invisible, it's just a thing. It's the thing I was talking about earlier in the show how you get that feeling this time of year. And so that's what makes the Grinch such a great story and so much fun to watch. That was also done in the days.

the guy who directed the animation and did the designs for the Grinch was a gentleman by the name of Chuck Jones. He was like an animation legend, and he really went out there. He pushed the boundaries of design and facial expression and line and stretch and squash and movement and just another thing that maybe you don't see quite as much as he used to, too, the way the animation was done back then. So a little Christmas gem for you right there, Lurtl Durgens and Blurgerslarkens. And I think that'll bring us to the end of the show.

We're going to do our final check-in with John and John as the final float is coming around the corner from what I hear. Guys, how are you? Are you seen as Jolly St. Nick is Santa Claus in view yet? Well, excellent timing, Harlan. Thank you very much. I'm John Waters, and I'm here with John Starters. Oh, man, wow.

And you could have brought it up at a more opportune time, Harlan, as yes, in fact, here he comes around the corner. Jolly St. Nick and his eight wonderful reindeer. Oh, man, wow. Oh, good God. Thank you for saving graces. Oh, well, what does that mean, John? It means this parade is just about over.

There he is, the big fat guy. You know, we live in a society where everyone's on a diet, everybody's eating gluten-free, everybody's trying to slim down and stay out of the heart attack ward. Okay, and what's your point, John? I'm saying we got a big, fat, bearded fuck rolling down the street. Those reindeer look like they're about to have a stroke. They're pulling that big tub of lard with a beard down the road.

and good God on a gravy boat. This guy's fatter than Rebel Wilson's bicycle seat. Well, now, John, don't John me. This is a travesty. We're sending the wrong message to children all over the world. And what would that message be, John? That message would be, stuff your face, eat all the cupcakes you can, get a belly so big that a walrus can sun tan on it,

and chew your way through a bakery until your gums bleed. Sweet Christ on a cracked-up crinkle cut. This is not really working, John. Well, we can't let you take away the joy of Santa Claus as he comes down the road. Look at dancer and prancer and Rudolph and Vlixen and, yeah, look at them. Their eyes are bulging out. Their cheeks are sunken in. They haven't pulled this much weight since Rosie O'Donnell grabbed a lamb shank at the all-you-can-eat buffet in Las Vegas.

Well, now, John, I think the reindeer's are used to pulling big bags of toys. Yeah, big bags of toys, not big bags of fat fox. Now, John, let's... Whoa, look at the kids. Look at the kids, their eyes are lighting up. But, like, they've just seen... like they've just seen Marie Osmond before she started doing those commercials. What does that mean, John?

We all know Marie Osmond blossomed out like a seven-pound hippo and a $2.99 store. I'm not sure all you don't need to know what I say. Just look at that fat fuck. Look at the sleigh, the steel. barbs from the sleigh or whatever you call them you mean the tracks on the bottom of the sleigh john yeah the tracks on the bottom of the sleigh are digging into the asphalt that looks like asana goes along he's so fat he's laying down his own street car track oh man wow and there he goes it's not really working once again another sour lemon of a parade i'd rather stay at home put up a

dartboard and throw pictures and bows of the clown's fat fucking eyes. Wow, John. So a real lemon, it's not really working, John. All right, well, you heard it. I enjoyed it myself, but, you know, John and John don't always agree. We hope you enjoyed it and had another good time here at the 145th annual Harland Highway Santa Claus Parade. We wish all of you a very Merry Christmas. Well, I guess I can do that much, John. Merry Christmas to everyone. And it's probably even merrier for those of you that didn't have to see

this sour lemon meringue pie slide down the street. Okay, John, well that's it, Harlan. We're done for this year. Happy holidays. Merry Christmas. And we'll see you next year. Goodbye, everybody. I'm telling you, This braid, really, have you ever had sour breast milk in your freezer when your wife was lactating? John, we're still on the air. Oh, Christ, on a crunched-up crabcracker. Oh, ho, ho. Okay, thank you, Harlan. Wow, okay, guys.

Wow, you know, this happens every year. Seems like John Waters loves the parade. And John's starters just, it just rubs them the wrong way. interesting well i like like john water said i hope you guys at least enjoyed the parade and uh and uh i enjoyed it i the floats just the way they describe the flow it's just you it's almost like you're there isn't it oh my god man well let's wrap it up as a long show but you know it's worth it the parade is is worth every minute and uh we uh we hope you uh you hope you had a great time And we still got a little ways to go before Christmas, don't we, everybody?

Oh, yeah, we got, let's see, one, like about two weeks. We're in about the two week mark, maybe one day over, two days over somewhere in there. So it's, well, wait, maybe not two. Let's see, the seven. Now, let me give you an exact count here. How about that? Let's, let's be more exact. So let's see, oh, it's only about a week.

What am I talking about two weeks? Holy God. I'm way out of line here. I'm out to lunch. Yeah, it's one, two, three, four, five, six, seven. It's about eight days. If you're listening to this on a Monday, it's about eight days. Woo!

So we'll have one more Christmassy podcast before the big day. And who knows what we'll do? We might check back in with Wally the Elf because, you know, The next podcast is like on the 24th. So that would give us one day to kind of see what's going on up there in the North Pole. But we'll see. We'll see what it's going to be busy, right, Raj? We don't know what's coming down the pipe.

So there you go. Hope you enjoyed the parade. Thank you so much, everybody. Happy holidays. And Merry Christmas. Happy Hanukkah. Happy Kwanza. Happy Arby's Drive-Thru, whatever you celebrate.

Happy everything this time of year. We want everyone to share the same joy and happiness that the next person has. That's it. Thank you for tuning in. Tell your friends to get on the Harlan Highway. And until next time, happy holidays, and chicken chalmy, baby. Somebody get me a fucking diarrhea plunger. Thank you.