The Harland Highway - 975 - New Years eve COUNTDOWN TERROR!! Crazy News story! HAPPY NEW YEAR stuff!!

Episode Date: December 31, 2018

New Years eve COUNTDOWN TERROR!! Crazy News story! HAPPY NEW YEAR stuff!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Oh, happy New Year, happy New Year. Well, it's not New Year's yet. I better hold on to it. And by the way, I'm a little worried about New Year's, okay? We're going to be talking about New Year's, celebrating New Year's this whole podcast, because this is our last one before 2019, and tonight's the night. And I've heard from Roger that Mr. Featherstone is going to be sending me out into

the streets to do some kind of New Year's Eve stunt. I'm not happy about it. In the past, he's had me do the suicidal guide drop. He had me do velociraptors on ice. I mean, he's had me do some weird stuff over the, for the New Year's Eve celebration. So I'm not looking forward to that. That's later in the show. Good Lord. What else have we got? We're, we're We're doing our final crazy news story of the year. We're going to be doing that on today's show. We're also going to be doing our final Harland Highway question of the day for the last year.

So that'll be the final one. And then we're going to be talking about New Year's and celebrating and all that kind of stuff. So happy New Year, everybody. Put on your party hats. It's the Harlan New Year. Highway. Do you know my name? It's on the marriage certificate.

I've never seen you before in all my life. Hold onto your airbag. You're heartless, heartless monsters. All of you threw it through. You're riding down the Harland Highway. Oh yeah! When you see a fallen stalk, that means a witch has just died. You clumsy idiot?

The Harland Highway. All I want is to hear people say something again and to see people moving again. I'm Floyd Bernie, a rockabilly boy. Don't you understand? You're listening to Harlan Williams. I can't be your daughter. I'm a machine. Man, you've been dead a thousand years. My George, I think he's got it. You're riding down the Harland Highway with Harlan Williams.

What's up, Doc? Mr. If you're going to lose, you're going to lose right now. Don't leave me here! Oh boy! Don't leave me here back in 2018! Can you believe another year has gone by? Gurgled Blargens and schnurg de glorgens and... Oh, oh, wow, ow, oh, wow.

I just can't believe it, man. It just keeps getting faster and faster and faster. Life is whizzing the hell by. What the hell, man? play a big cry cry play play um so this is the new year's show this is the last show of 2018 and the first show of 2019 all in one it's a it's a double bubble we got a double bubble on our hands gang pop pop double bubble Well, I understand that Roger told me before I walked into the booth here that our boss, Mr. Featherstone on the 11th floor, like he does on many New Year's Eve's, wants me to do something. I don't know what it is yet, but I think he's going to come down here and tell me, or I have to go up there or something. Do we know what's going on yet, Roger?

No, not yet. Okay, well, until we get the word from Mr. Featherstone upstairs, we'll just, you know, we'll just get into the show here. Maybe, Roger, should we sneak in one last crazy news story before the year ends? I think we should, right? Yes, okay, good. I think we owe that to the pavement pounders. One final crazy news story from the year 20.

Uh, let's do it. Here we go. The Harland Highway. Crazy news stories. That's weird. Wow. That's strange stuff. All right.

Before the year slips away, we must. Yes, we must do one final crazy news story. And here it is. It's apropos because we were talking about this in some As the year ran out through November and December, we were talking about this character, The Bigfoot, the Yeti, and here's the crazy news story. Ready? Here's the headline. You ready for this one? Here we go. Hunter thought he was firing at Bigfoot. Victim tells police. Oh, this ought to be ripe. A Montana man was out target shooting

and became a target himself when another shooter unloaded a barrage of gunfire on him after mistaking him for Bigfoot authorities said. What the hell? Yeah, like Bigfoot's out in the woods with a rifle. There's a guy shooting at targets with a rifle. Another guy comes along and thinks, gee, there's Bigfoot taking target practice. I better shoot him.

What the hell? Let's keep reading this delight. The 27-year-old shooter told authorities that he was putting up targets outside Helena on Sunday when bullets started flying towards him. The Lewis and Clark County Sheriff Leo Dutton said, according to the Idaho Stateman newspaper. One round came within three feet of the victim and another whizzed by even closer, he told police. The man said he ran behind nearby trees for cover and eventually confirmed. front of the shooter who was driving a Ford F-150 pickup truck. So this guy was shooting.

He was doing a drive-by. This guy was doing a big-foot drive-by, man. Not even Bigfoot safe from the gangs. Holy God. Here's a quote, I thought you were Bigfoot. The victim says the shooter told him. According to Dutton,

I don't target practice. but if I see something that looks like Bigfoot, I just shoot at it. Once the man assured the gunman that he wasn't Bigfoot, the ape-like creature said to inhabit wooded areas in the northwest, the shooter advised him to wear an orange vest in the future. So it wasn't enough that Bigfoot had a rifle, but Bigfoot needed an orange vest to make it clear that he wasn't Bigfoot.

The rifle wasn't a big enough of a giveaway for this guy in the truck. And what's the guy in the truck? Anything that's not wearing an orange vest is it Bigfoot? Good Lord. None of us are safe. Let's keep reading here. But Dutton noted that, quote, there was some question about the veracity of the report. Because the victim who spoke to police a day after the alleged incident,

couldn't provide a physical description of the shooter. Police checked the area but didn't find the pickup truck. After local media reports of the man's story, a woman came forward and said she had a similar experience where she had been shot at by a man in an F-150 as well. Police says we're working to find this person. It is of great concern that this individual might think it's okay to shoot that anything he thinks is Bigfoot.

If the reports are true, the shooter could face charges. Yeah, hello. You're not allowed to shoot at things because you think they're Bigfoot. That's like saying I shot the guy because I thought he was an alien. You know, I thought he was green. The guy had a beard. How did I know he wasn't Bigfoot? He looked hairy to me.

He had a mustache and a beard and sideburns. I swear it was the legendary Yeti walking into the 7-Eleven to buy a cinnamon bun and an iced tea. I mean, what am I supposed to? I'm riding by 7-Eleven in my F-150 pickup truck. I think I see what I think is Bigfoot. And boom! What the hell is wrong with this guy?

The chief of police goes on to say, He doesn't think the public at large is in danger, noting that it seems to be a localized event to one geographic area. Well, how about the people that live in that geographic area, you numbskull? Do you think they should have something to be worried about? Holy God! According to the Bigfoot Field Researchers Organization, there have been 46 sightings in Montana since 1978. In 1993, three backpackers spotted a large, massive, upright animal running on two legs through the Gallatin National Forest. Well, lucky for that big foot, he was in a forest because if there was a road nearby, there'd be a big black F-150 drive-by shooter looking for him.

So, you know, this guy, this victim is lucky to be alive. How dumb is the guy with the rifle that he thinks anything moving in the woods is a big foot? Can you imagine? I could see this guy, you know, with the lousy justice system we have in this country. I could see this idiot getting off, too. You know, the judges are so lenient now. They don't seem to care about the rule of law anymore. Nothing seems to matter.

People just get away with crimes willy-nilly. you know oh yeah you thought he was uh bigfoot did you sir that's right your honor yep yeah i sure did i mean you know there was some trees around and uh you know he was walking sort of funny well how do you mean sir well you know he was walking upright and then you know just kind of when i saw him walking up right near the trees i just put two and two together and i was like God damn, there's a big foot. Okay, okay, I can see that. That's a practical mistake.

Thank you, Your Honor. Can I go? Yes, you can go. And I think we'll put the gentleman that you shot at in jail. He probably deserves... We like to put the victims behind bars nowadays more than we do the perps. So have a great year,

and we're going to put the big foot guy behind bars. and, you know, if you see anyone else walking near trees, feel free to shoot them. Well, thank you very much, officer, or, Your Honor. Where do you live? I live out by the edge of the forest. Okay, is it all right if I shoot your hairy ass? Yes, yes, it is, because we live in a just country with laws.

And yes, feel free to shoot me if you see me walking near the trees. Okay, thank you, Your Honor. Okay, happy shooting. the fuck good lord so there you go gang the final crazy news story of 2018 bigfoot you're a groovy boy i'd like to strap you on sometimes oh man what a crazy news story that is i mean how does that stuff happen? Hello? What? Hello? Hello? Oh, Mr. Featherstone. Oh, my God. How are you, sir? I didn't, I didn't hear you come in the studio. That's because you were busy talking about hairy big fingers or whatever the hell his name is. No, I was talking about Bigfoot, sir.

I don't care what it was. Something was big and it was hairy, and I was standing in the shadows there listening, and I could see the spittle flying. out of your mouth, so your gingivitis is spraying all over the room. Probably how SARS and AIDS got started, for Christ's sake. Sir, I wasn't spraying SARS and AIDS all over the room. I saw something spittling out of your dirty mouth. I don't have a dirty mouth, sir, and when you're talking into a microphone, yes, you will spittle. Yeah, I bet you're spittled down at your funny little. little bars on the weekend, too, don't you?

I don't go to funny little bars, sir. Ah, sir? Ah! Sir, I do not go to funny little bars. Oh, really? Yes. Well, how about the, uh, the greasy phone booth on 49th Street? The greasy phone booth.

Uh-huh. Sir? Uh-huh. Sir, why are you here? Is this about the new year? years? You're darn ripping, roaring tooting it is sugar fingers. Sugar fingers? You heard me. What does that even mean? I don't you ask you funny little friends are your funny little bars there, uh, frank and wean or hump and dimmer? Sir, what is going on? You're going to bring a little

excitement to the New Year's Eve show or your plod snots going to get canned. What do you mean my plot? It's not a plod snot. It's a plod. It's a plod. It's a podcast whatever sir if you wouldn't mind showing just a little bit respect of respect and calling it what it is it's a podcast splod splot sir don't serve me there grinder grimman and the grand bumble bunch what grindle grimmin and the grand bumble bunch you hurt me sir what is going on here before i go any further. Yes, sir. Have you ever farted into a blender? Sir, I don't fart into things. You should fart into a blender and put it on whip. I'll tell you what, you can almost see that thing swirling around it. Sir!

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First of all, you do not fart in blenders and B, you cannot see them. Well, I see you. So, what does that mean? That means I just puked in my uterus. What are you doing here, sir? I told you I want to have a more exciting New Year's Eve. the last 10 you've done have sucked lemons worse than a lemon shark at the bottom of a lemon meringue pie swimming pool.

What the hell? You heard me, status quo cling-free sheet face. Sir? Now, here's what we're going to do. You know how they do the countdown on New Year's Eve? Of course, sir. They count down from 10. That's right.

And what else counts down? I don't follow you, sir. What else counts down backwards? I don't know, like a rocket launch? That's okay, you got me there? Yes, three, two, one lift-off, okay? Okay, is that what you were thinking? No, what else?

I don't know, sir, what else? Well, let's just say it ends with Kaboom. uh oh you mean like a like a like an explosion like a bomb now you're getting somewhere tightrope walker fancy face sir what do you mean a bomb sometimes when there's a bomb they count it down am i right yeah it's like three two one and then they'll detonate a bomb exactly what is that what is that got to do with me sir Well, you're going to create a little excitement on your plod snob for once so that we get some ratings and there's a little excitement on New Year's Eve instead of it sounds like people sleeping in a graveyard in a Walmart sleeping bag.

Sir, my podcast does not put people to sleep. Oh yeah, cry me a river with your dirty, greased out violin. Sir? Ah, sir? Ah, by the way, how about that bar down on 94th and 12th? Sir, what bar are you talking about? Uncle Eddie's got a dirty sprinkler. How about that one?

Uncle Eddie's got a dirty sprinkler. Uh-huh. Sir? Uh-huh. What is this 3-2-1 business? All right, here's the plan. You're going to go right downtown. right onto this downtown square on the Holland Highway, right?

I am? Yeah, you're darn tooting, you are there, garlic bread twat. Sir, I'm not a garlic bread twat. You are now. Sir, listen up. You're going to go down on that Holland Highway right into town square, where you remember before you did the guide drop? Yes, I did the guy where the guy committed suicide.

You got that right. Now, that got a few ratings. but this is going to be even bigger. Sir, wait a minute. What do you have up your sleeve? You're going to do a bomb countdown. Wait, what? When they do the countdown,

hold on, sir. When they do the countdown from 10, when they get to three, two, one, guess what you're going to yell? I don't know. Happy New Year? Guess again, honey stick. Sir? You heard me, you're going to yell what those guys that the oasis yells, the terrorists.

What do you mean the terrorists? You're going to yell that Oli-Oli-Aqbar or whatever the hell it is. Sir, you know what I mean? I don't speak Chinese for Christ's sake. So what do you mean the Oli-Oli-A-Li-A-A-Oqbar or whatever the hell it is? Wait a minute, sir. You're not talking about Allah-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-Bar, are you? bingo old lady

sir you heard me you're going to yell alley alley acpah when they go three two one and you're going to create a little excitement down on new year's eve sir i am not yelling a terrorist

alert that that is just that will induce panic and running and screaming and excitement so that's exactly what you're going to do are you going to be out in the street picking up raspberries out of bear shit. Sir? Allie, Allie Ackbob. Sir, it's Ala'Ala Aqbar. Well, I'm glad you know how to say it,

because you're going to be saying it in just a little bit right out in the street. Sir, this is not a good idea. Oh, and you're being fired's a better idea. Is it there tinselteeth twat tangler? Sir, I'm not a tinselteeth twat twangler. You can't even say it. Sounds like you've been sucking on one of your, uh, you know, funny little friends. Sir, I don't have funny little friends, and I'm not going to say, do a countdown and yell a terrorist chant. Well, I guess you're not going to be working next year, are you? Sir? You heard me, cranberry crackle.

Are you saying if I don't do this, I'm finished? That's right. sir before you answer me yes sir have you ever farted sir have you ever farted

on a robin's nest sir i do not fart on bird nests you should see them the eggs shake around like there's a fucking tsunami coming sir are we done i need to get a confirmation from you that you're going to be out on that

street right at midnight when they do the countdown and you're going to yell olly olly o'clock. Sir, you're going to do it or you can. Do you hear me there, pumpkin face, Charlie? Yes, sir, I'll do it. That's what I like to hear. And we're going to have some ratings. We're going to have some excitement.

And people in the streets are going to have a lot of fun with this. I don't know. Don't know me. You just be ready to do it. Goodbye. Whoa. Roger, did you hear this? This has got to be the worst.

This guy wants me to go out on the street, rate at the count of zero when people are yelling, happy New Year. I've got to yell Allah Allah Akbar. Do you know what kind of commotion and pandemonium that's going to cause? Jesus, what am I doing? This is redundant.

What choice do I have, right? Roger, I'm going to be fired. This guy's going to cancel my podcast if I don't do it. Oh, God. Okay, play a commercial. I've got to get my head around this. This is making me sick. What a freak.

God. Because no woman has time for a yeast infection, there's monostat. I don't know how to get around a yeast infection, but I do know how to get over it. Quick. Monostat 7. nothing you can buy without a prescription cures faster maybe that's why more doctors recommend it now i can sail on to something more important someone figured out there are things i'd rather be thinking about monostat because no woman i know has time for yeast infection hello hello hey how this brine and very nice

to hear your live comedy segment on last podcast feels like it's jelling if you will only because it's ready for prime time i guess if we can just get you to post all the others on the premium podcast that'd be wonderful it was a lot of fun to hear that and i'm glad you really got a charge out of it i'm glad you saved the comedy and thank you for playing it for us well there you go brian you are welcome and um i feel like that's a great way to end the year with one of the top you know fans of the podcast brian has been listening since day one and been such a loyal uh fan of the show and uh it's just great to to hear him still hanging in there and enjoying what i'm putting out there and

and you're welcome, and I know I'm guilty for not putting more material on the premium membership site for the premium members. This year I'm going to try and – that's one of my New Year's resolution. I'm going to try and put more content on the premium membership site for all the premium members, okay? I put a little bit on there throughout the year. Believe me, I'm so busy with just getting each weekly episode out there. that it's hard to find time to put stuff in the premium stuff. But I've got to make a better effort at it, and I will vow to try and do that.

What? Oh, okay. Rogers tell him we have another phone message from Roger, or from Brian. I'm getting all mixed up. Okay, Roger, play the other. Now I'm calling Brian Roger. and Rod, oh my God, just play Brian's next message while we're on a roll here.

Hey, Harlem. This is Brian again, and I just wanted to add that it is very nice to hear you say how you enjoyed doing the improv as your act that gives you a charge because you don't know what's going to come out of your mouth. any given moment and that I have

that's why I would go to four shows of yours on the same weekend to see every show being different every show was different

and I was also I was also studying your technique the way that you improv and trying to learn from you and not that I expect to do stand-up or anything but just everyday life I have found it useful what I have learned from you and the whole technique and learned a lot of other things from you too in your podcast now I can wear my underwear two days in a

all sorts of subjects all sorts of topics you're very transparent and it's wonderful it's unique too don't know many other any other celebrities who have such a transparency and an openness and with the public period And you do it through the podcast. And I just want to say thank you for all your years of service, podcast, and it's very enjoyable. So, Merry Christmas, Harmon. Oh, man, thank you. Wow.

Thank you, Brian, for the Merry Christmas. Obviously, that call came in just a little bit before Christmas, but we were doing our Christmas parade and all the other stuff. So we had to delay this voicemail a little bit. But thank you, Roger. Those are great voice mails. Great to hear from Brian. As he stated in his message, he's been listening for many years.

He learns things from me, which astounds me. You know, I guess in a way, if I think about it, maybe you can learn something from me. I don't know if that's good or bad or smart or stupid, but I guess if you'll listen to anything you'll learn something right Brian mentioned that he learned he can wear his underpants two days in a row maybe maybe that's not a good thing maybe I shouldn't be so transparent

but yeah I wear my undies two days in a row it's not like I'm walking around pee in my pants holy jumping but now Brian's doing it too I guess but Brian was mentioning the improv and stuff like that

and that's something I do a lot in my stand-up comedy act and sure enough, as Brian mentioned, there's weekends where he showed up in various cities and I'll look down in the front row and he's at every show. I'll go in for two nights or three nights and I'll look down and Brian's sitting right up

near the front watching the show and it's just amazing and sometimes I'm just happy to see him and I'll look down and I'll kind of engage with Brian from the stage, and I'll look in his eyes and I'll say goofy things to traumatize him or delight him or whatever. I don't know, but Brian, I'm honored. I'm flattered. I'm very grateful for your continued, what's the word I'm looking for? loyalty or whatever it is towards my stand-up and my comedy and my podcast.

And getting a Christmas message was very sweet and nice. Merry Christmas. Happy New Year to you, too. And speaking of New Year's, Raj, I'm just a little concerned about having to... When do I have to go out into the street and do this ridiculous al-Alu-Akbar thing? This is like terrorist talk. This guy wants me to incite a riot or pan... People could get trampled.

And I'm going to lose my job if I don't go out. And when they count down, the New Year's countdown at the end of it, instead of yelling, happy New Year, I got to yell al-Alu-A-A-A-Aqbar, which is synonymous with what terrorists yell when they are in the middle of a massacre. This isn't even funny. This is sick.

This is morbid, but Featherstone doesn't care. He doesn't get it. He just wants ratings. And he knows this will get attention. He knows this will probably get national media. I'll probably be on CNN and Fox and BBC. I'm going to be wandering in the streets on New Year's Eve yelling, Allo Alaw Ack, but I'll probably get shot.

That's probably what the old man upstairs wants. Maybe this is the last podcast. I don't know what this idiot's thinking. I don't have a choice, ladies and gentlemen. I just, this is my disclaimer. God, I'm getting a cop just getting from nerves. I need to make a disclaimer right here and now. I do not want to do this.

I do not want to incite pandemonium. I do not want to yell alo-Aqbar out in a public forum. I know that it's inappropriate. I know that it's dangerous and wrong. But what am I supposed to do? My livelihood is it at stake. Now, there is going to be no bomb. There is going to be no terrorist attack.

There's going to be no violence. There's going to be nothing. I'm just yelling words. So hopefully, if people are listening to the podcast before they go out in just a little bit to do the countdown in New Year's, if they see me and they hear me, They know that this is just a giant fraud. It's a publicity stunt.

There's no religious or terrorist or any type of affiliation to what I'm doing. It's merely me yelling the words because a greedy, greedy podcast manager who runs a podcast network wants to pump up his ratings. And I have no affiliation, no association, no association. association with a terrorist group, a religious group, anything. And we don't want to demean any religious group. We don't want to demean anybody. We don't want, we just, I just, this is ridiculous. I'm offended on every level, and I know you are, but I have no choice. I have no choice. I will lose my podcast. I will lose my job.

So just bear with me. We'll get through it, and that'll be the end of it. it and we can start the year fresh good lord roger let's just do another segment let's do something just to have fun let's be light and new year'sy so that we can clear our heads before i have to wander out in the street in about just a few minutes from now it's going to be midnight and i got to be out there for the live you count down in the street on the harland highway good Lord. What are we going to do next before I have to do this dastardly deed? The Harland Highway. Question of the day. Okay, okay. I guess that's a good distraction. That's a good way to take my mind off of what I

have to do very shortly. And I guess technically this will be our last question of the day of the year. So, you know, I guess let's jump. Ben. This is a weird one. This one's a little bit. It's kind of a little naughty and a little gross at the same time. But here it is. Should homeless people be allowed to do things out in the street

that most people do behind closed doors? Okay? Should they just willy-nilly be allowed to do things out in the public view that the rest of us would be put in jail for. And just for clarity, I'm not picking on homeless people. I know they don't have a good life.

I know they don't have it easy. I know that, you know, being homeless is not anything to laugh at. But at the same time, homeless people are people the way we're people who have homes and places to live and God bless us roofs over our head it's tough

but we're all people whether you live in a tent or a mansion or a condo or under a box and as people I think we all have to abide by a certain set of rules a certain decorum if you will and I got to be honest it disturbs me when I see homeless people taking liberties that other people don't take because of their situation, because of their homelessness.

And I know they're in a dire place, but let me explain. Okay, I was driving down the street the other day in broad daylight. and I'm on a place in Hollywood called Sunset Boulevard. Doesn't that sound cheery? And I pull up to a light. You know, I'm pulled up to a light. It turned red. I stop.

I'm sitting there waiting for it to turn green. You know, two minutes of boredom while the light waits to change. And I look over and there's one of those glass bus stops, you know, that you see on street corners with the glass, you know, backing and sometimes they have a little sidewall and there's a bench inside. And I look over and there's two homeless people sitting on the bench using the bus stop as their stop. And how do I know they're homeless?

It was pretty obvious. Their clothing, they had bags all around. them they had you know it's the classic homeless look okay and right away you feel sympathy you feel compassion you feel sorry for their dire situation and it's tugs at your heartstrings and I'm I'm looking at this scene and there's two people and one's kind of like curled up in the fetal position under a blanket and then the other one is sitting up beside the curled up on under a blanket. He had a blanket pulled up to like his chin.

And I'm sitting there looking, I'm going, oh, man, you know, that's rough. Why, you know, you ask all these questions. How did they get there? What went wrong? Why, why is the world like this? Why is society like the, you know, all the questions? And then all of a sudden I kind of notice some movement under the, the blanket.

And I'm going, whoa, what's that? And then I sort of noticed that the movement was moving in a rather steady up and down rhythm. And I'm going, uh-oh, I don't know if I want to know what's that. And then it's one of those things where you kind of look because you're not sure if you're believing what you're seeing. So instead of looking away, you kind of look a little close. because you're like, wait, no, no way.

And yes, way, this homeless gentleman was clearly, for lack of a better term, and if there's children listening, cover your ears. This gentleman, I'm using that word lightly, was jacking himself off. He was stroking the purple salami. And for those of you that need it more. technical, the man was masturbating in a bus stop under a blanket at a major busy intersection for the whole world to see, and I'm in the world, I'm a citizen of the world, and I did not need to look over and see a guy covered in dirt and blankets and ratty clothes and pleasuring himself.

Under the blanket, you can clearly see the blanket going up and down, up and down, up, and I'm just like, there's a human being laying right beside you. There's thousands, hundreds of cars sitting here. You're being watched. Are you putting on a show? Do you care? Do you? And so it was a little disturbing.

Now, if you break it all down and you get, you know, you take it. take away all the emotion, you take away all the hoopla. You go, okay, so what? It's a human, it's a human action. The way that someone would scratch their head, the way someone would bend their knees, the way someone would rub their eye, the way someone would wiggle their toes.

masturbating is just a function of the human body and the human being. And whoopi-do. You know, it's only because we're civilized that we probably wrap it in all this tabooness. We wrap it in all this shame and all this guilt and all this, you know what I mean? I don't think cavemen, you know, used to go hide in the back of the the cave to get themselves off. They probably did it in the middle of a canoe trip. Hey, Gorg, you're slowing down.

What are you doing back there? Okay, say no more. But regardless, we do live in a civilized world, I think. I think sometimes I don't know anymore. And, you know, even if you're homeless, come on, man. really like you know I get it you're a human being you have urges you have needs

you have pleasures you have desires but you can't go behind a bush you can't hide between two parked cars you can't go behind a Denny's I mean you got to do it right there where a whole world can watch you and you know while I'm ranting about it

I remember going down another street in Hollywood and seeing a guy just squatting on the sidewalk, dropping off a loaf, okay? Just not a care in the world. Looked like he was out camping and wandered into the woods. Just broad daylight, squatting and dropping. And, you know, you get this imagery in your head, and you're like, good Lord. There's two reactions. Just like, look at the state of society.

society. What can we do to help? How do we stop this homelessness? How do we fix this problem? And then I hate to say it, folks, and I'm not trying to be a pessimist or negative or elitist or anything, but I don't know that you ever stop it. I think there will always be homeless people no matter what, because some people just can't function, no matter how many meds you give them, no matter how much psychological treatment, no matter how many times they've been in the hospital. or at a shelter, there's just always going to be people that just don't adapt and can't make it and can't fit in and can't get it together. And damn it, you know, there might even be people out there that like being homeless.

No, I'm not saying all of them like that, but there might be people out there that are just like, to them, it's like they're nomads. Maybe they're wired that way to be free, to not have to answer to anybody, to not have to take orders, to not have to be in a world where they have to go to a bathroom or they can just pleasure themselves whenever and wherever they want. Maybe that's, to them, that's the ultimate way to live, the freedom.

Now, obviously, it's probably not, but, you know. So it's rough. But the question of the day is, should they at least, despite their existence that is not desirable, should there at least be a decorum when it comes to things that should be private matters, masturbating and pooping and peeing and, you know, sometimes you see people injecting needles into their arms

and making out and, you know, So there you go. I don't know. Maybe it is a mental thing. Maybe it's a, you know, maybe people are so mentally unstable that they're just not even aware of it. I don't know. But it's just, it's tough to see. It's the type of stuff that gets burned into your memory and you're like, whoa, okay.

There's a guy stroking it at the bus stop. Didn't need to see that on my way to dinner. So there you go. The Harland Highway Question of the Day, should people, homeless people, be allowed to just do whatever they want, wherever they want. Something to think about the Harland Highway question of the day. The Harland Highway Question of the Day.

Have you checked the children? No, but I've checked the time, and it's very, very close to midnight, and I can't delay this anymore. Roger, I'm heading out into the street. I'm heading down to the Harland Highway for the big countdown for New Year's Eve. Play a commercial, the last commercial the year, and I'll see you, I'll talk to you from my live. location out at the festivities. Oh, God. Oh, God. For the shortest days of the year, stretch your time by shopping at K&B. K&B has the EPP pregnancy test kit single for just 1049. The double just 1399.

The eight-count replens moisturizer is just 1049. Gynootrum and cream, cream disposable, or seven-count inserts is just 1099. And the combo pack or seven-count pre-filled applicators is just 1449 at K&B. When the days are short, really long, unconvenience at your nearby K&B drugstore. Personnel yours. Well, here I am. I'm downtown in the Harland Highway, just right on the main part of the highway here. And as you can hear, there's a big crowd assembled, everyone milling around.

We're like just minutes away from midnight. It's cold. There's snow on the ground. I'm not comfortable. I don't want to be here, to be honest. And I've got to be here at the bequest of my demented, greedy, self-centered boss who insisted I come down here in the middle of this huge festive crowd. And as they begin to count down into the new year,

he wants me to, instead of having a countdown to a new year, He wants it to be a countdown to an explosive device going off. And he wants me to yell out al-Alu-A-A-Aq-Bar in the middle of a crowded place so he can get news, he can get attention from the media, so he can boost the ratings. And I'm the puppet. I'm the guy he picks to do this crap.

And I just want to say, for the record, I do not want to do this. It's unsafe, it's dangerous, it's inappropriate, it's insensitive, it's all these things, it's politically incorrect, but what am I going to do? Get fired, so what do I do? I just do it and get it over with. It's like it takes a second and, oh boy, here we go. I don't want to do this. Here goes the countdown. I can hear them starting. Here we go. 10, nine, okay. God, I want to do this. Here we go. No, no.

La La Laqmar! La La La La La La Cbar! Oh, my God, everyone's panicking. Oh, my God. This is horrible. La La La La La La Acbar! Walah, Wacbar! Oh, God, why?

Why do I have to do this crap? Al-la-la-la-la-la-la-qvar! Why? But come back. Everyone don't. Come back. La-la-la-la-la-la-la-qmar. Where is everybody?

Why does he make me do this stuff? I just want to make a paycheck. I didn't want, I didn't mean anything. by it? Come back, everybody. Happy new year. Come back at all alone. Why did I have to do that? Hello? Hello there, cry, baby. Sir, Mr. Featherstone, sir? That's right, why don't you turn off the waterworks?

All right, you did it. Well, I did once, sir. You did what I told you to, kid. He yelled out the, uh, well, wow, wow, and, uh, look at this. Crickets. I know, crickets, and it's winter. Why are there crickets in the winter? I don't know, kid.

I'm not a marine biologist, for Christ's sake. All I know is that you scared the living Christ out of these people, and we're going to get some media attention finally. You're going to get some ratings for your plod stop, and I'm going to get some much-needed attention driven to my network. But, sir, it's just so cruel. It's so unnecessary and... Oh, stop you crying.

If you want excretions to come out of your body, why don't you try this? Yes, sir? You ever fought in a snowman's face? No, sir, please, no, stop. Well, you should try it sometime and don't get too close because of that carrot knows.

Sir, I don't want to talk about this. I really don't. I just I just feel so alone I hear you kid It's a new year It's a hard way to start it up But this is the reality of the competitive

Plodstart world You mean podcast sir That's what I said Who are you William F Shakespeare No I thought you said Plodsclot That's what I said Oh

Now kid I hate to see you sitting here crying in the middle of the street and I hate to see you be all alone on New Year's Eve, 2019. Thank you, sir. Well, I scared everyone off because I did what you told me. I know. I know you did, kid.

But look down there. Look way down the street. You see that flickering neon sign? but yeah yes sir i do well i'm gonna take you down there and soon your troubles will be over what what is it sir oh it's just a funny little bar downtown what what is it sir it's called johnny's sweaty choir school teacher what what is it sir you heard me it's a bar called Johnny Sweaty's Choir School Teacher. What kind of bar is that, sir? Oh, like you don't know, huh?

Wait a minute, sir, you're... Are you inviting me to a funny little bar downtown? Look, don't say it so loud. Do you want a nice warm drink or not? I... I... I... I... I... I... what are you? An honor for Christ's sake. You sell like a seal at the Flying Circus or something.

No, sir. It's just that for years you've been accusing me of going to the funny little bars downtown, and now you want to take me to Johnny's sweaty choir boy teacher. Well, you don't have to broadcast it. What are you, a plod, pastor? No, I'm a podcaster, sir. Well, do you want a drink or not, there, hence Christian Anderson? Well, I guess so, sir.

I mean, you are my boss. That's right. Let's go. Okay, sir. Just one. Yeah, just one. Sir? Yeah. Mr. Featherstone?

Ah. Sir, just one, right? Uh-huh. Okay, sir. Now, as we walk down there, let me ask you something. Yes, sir? Have you ever farted? Sir, I don't fart on things, sir.

Have you ever farted into a jar of peanut butter? No, sir, I haven't. You ought to try it sometime. It smells like peanut butter toast. Sir, I really don't want to try that. Have you ever farted into a, uh, what do you call it, a box of Kleenex? No, sir? You ought to try that, too.

For my feminine itching, I depend on Vagicil cream to stop it instantly. And for a painful burning itch, I get maximum strength Vagicil for even stronger relief. There's Vagicil cream and maximum strength. Should an old acquaintance be forgot and never brought to mind? Should old acquaintance be? I don't know what Old Lanzine means, but whatever it is, I hope no one Old Lanzines you this year. Hey folks, ladies snargles and blurgles-slaggans. Another year.

Another year has come and gone. Were you happy with it? Did you get a lot done? Were you successful? Were you unsuccessful? Were you happy? Were you sad? Were you full of joy or misery? Were you surprised? Or was everything uneventful? I hope. I hope that everything went well. I hope that you had a year full of wonderful things, happy things, stimulating things. And here's from me to you hoping that this next year

2019 is fruitful, that you get all kinds of fruit, peaches and cherries and grapes, apples, pay, no, that's not what fruitful means. But I hope you have a great year. I hope you set some goals for yourself. I always urge everyone to step out of their box a little every year. Don't be afraid to do that. and just wish you all the best health and happiness and joy and remember if last year wasn't so good

I always say this this is your life nobody else owns it nobody else controls it nobody else makes the decisions except you you may be in a place where you think other people control it or other people make your decisions or other people have the right to move you around

like a chess piece. But at the end of the day, it's you. It's your brain. It's your soul. It's your mind. It's your heart. And you can step away from anything you don't want or you can step into anything you want. It's you. It's your life. Don't be afraid to own it, control it. Don't let anyone knock you off your path, off your course. Don't let anyone dissuade you or discourage you. If you want to go out and try something, whether it be smart, brilliant, stupid or silly, you go try it. We only go through this life once. If there's something you want to do, do it.

Reach for it. Go for it. And as you journey through this next year, we live in tumultuous times, as we always do. It's not like this year was any different. There's always war and rage and fighting going on around the world. But it's up to us, those who aren't engaged in those activities, to always remember to show compassion and kindness and caring, tenderness. to those that you love, to those that you are friends with,

and to those you don't even know, remember the old adage, do unto others as you would have done unto yourself. And so with that, I say, go forward, have a wonderful great new year, kick-ass, and enjoy it to the fullest. Happy New Year, from me to you, harland williams no announcements no uh nothing uh else to say just have a great one we'll do a song to take

you out into the new year and until you count down to your new year and you step into the new year of 2019. Until then, all I can say is Happy New Year and Chicken Chau-Main, baby. Happy New Year! Happy New Year! Happy New Year! New Year on this New Year's Day. May the snow be wider and the sun be brighter when you're out.

to play Happy Happy New Year All the New Year through May you grow up taller May your tears be smaller And your wishes come true May the wind be right When you're out to fly your kind

May your toy soldiers win Every battle that they're in Happy New Year We're so glad to say May your days be very merry from this January day Happy New Year Happy New Year May the snow be whiter and the sun be brighter when you're out to play.

Happy New Year, the New Year through. May you grow up, time and your tears be smaller and your wishes come true. May the wind be right when you're out to fly your kind. May your toy soldiers win every battle that they're in. Happy New Year, we're so glad to say, May your days be very merry from this January day. Happy, happy New Year from this January day. Don't serve me there, Grindr, Grimmy.

and the Graham Bumble Bunch.