The Harland Highway - 976 - HANDICAP STAND UP COMEDY. 1st Podcast of year with Rabbi Pappenheim. Dad, the Indian giver!

Episode Date: January 7, 2019

HANDICAP STAND UP COMEDY. 1st Podcast of year with Rabbi Pappenheim. Dad, the Indian giver! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Happy New Year, too. Yeah, happy New Year. It's the first Harland Highway podcast of 2019. God bless us, everyone. Hell yeah. You shouldn't be able to say God and hell in the same sentence, right? Hey, everybody, Harlan Williams here. What a show we have for you, the new year.

I'm going to give you a follow-up on how I busted my dad over the re-gifting that he did me. A 16-year-old re-gifting that my dad tried to pull over on me. Didn't work. I called them out. So I'll be talking about that. Also, a crazy show, some live stand-up comedy where I stumbled on someone in the crowd who was impaired, physically impaired, had a handicap, and all of a sudden, that took over the whole show. And it got pretty tense, pretty uncomfortable. So check that out.

Also, we get a call from our friend Rabbi Pappenheim. He's calling in to wish us a happy new year and kick the year off and say hello. So we love talking to Rabbi Pappenheim, a rabbi in the community here. And also I'll be discussing my new stand-up comedy tour coming up for 2019. So lots to get into. It's going to be a great year. Let's kick it off. Put your helmet on.

This is the Harland Highway. What do you know my name? It's on the marriage certificate. I've never seen you before in all my life. Hold on to your airbag. You're heartless, heartless monsters. All of you threw it through. You're riding down the Harland Highway.

Oh yeah! When you see a fallen stock, that means a witch has just died. You clumsy idiot? All I want is to hear people say something again and to see people moving again. I'm Floyd Bernie, a rockabilly boy. Don't you understand? You're listening to Harlan Williams. I can't be your daughter. I'm a machine. Man, you've been dead a thousand years.

My George, I think he's got it. You're riding down the Harland Highway with Harland Williams. What's up, Doc? Mr. If you're going to lose, you're going to lose right now. Don't leave me here! Oh, yeah, 2019 player! We got a new year player. Oh, yeah.

We got a brand new year. We got us a brand new 1929. No, wait, 18, no, not 2019. Oh, I get all mixed up with them numbers. Oh, Lord, 2019 player. Wow, can you believe it? Remember when you were a kid and you'd be like, God, I wonder what life will be like in the future,

like, I don't know, like 2019 or 2020, what will things be like? And then before you know it, it's here, and now you younger kids listening are probably going to be like, what's life going to be like in 2035? And it's really not all that far away, man. You know, it's kind of scary how not far away it is. And the year's tick on by, baby. And so here we are in a new one.

Happy New Year, first of all, happy new year to y'all. I hope you have a great year. I hope you had a great year last year, but I hope this year is even more fulfilling and fruitful and productive and spiritual and meaningful and all those things. And the only way to make it so is if you make it so, you've got a, you can't just sit there and wait for it to happen. You've got a, you know, you've got to, you got to, you know, pull the triggers, push the buttons, step into action, make stuff happen for yourself and for those around you and for those in the world. Don't make it all about you.

Make it about giving back in other ways to other people and other places. You know, you've got to look out for yourself, but at the same time, maybe you do a little something here and there this year that benefits other people and not you so much? Sure. Why not? It's like that old saying, you only get what you give, baby. So just food for thought.

One of the things I did right out of the gate this year, you know, a lot of times when we start a new year, we feel like it's a fresh beginning and you want to like clean house and you want to start over, you want to start going to the gym, you want to start eating properly. What I did is I went into my office and I looked around. I went, man, this place is cluttered. And I thought, I want to get rid of a bunch of stuff and I want to make room for stuff. And I want to make room for nothing really.

I don't want more stuff. I just want room, right? And so one of the things I looked around, my office and I thought, what don't I use? What don't I? Honestly, don't I ever use anymore. And suddenly, I felt like I was a book-burning Nazi in World War II Germany. Let me explain. One of the first things I noticed in my office that I never use anymore are the books. Over the years, I had saved countless number of books. You know, books that I read, you know, I'm an artist, so a lot of the books were for a visual reference.

There was a lot of books of photographs of animals and wildlife and things that I would reference if I was drawing. And a lot of these books dated back to before the Internet. And there were books about some of my favorite celebrities, Marlon Brando and Clint Eastwood, and there were books about how to write a Broadway play. and there were books about horror movies and there were comic books

and there were, there was just all kinds of books. And I realized, I was like, you know, when was the last time I opened any of these? When was the last time I looked into these books? And I realized it was like, holy crap, it's been like 10, 15, 20 years. It was kind of sad. bad, right? And so I thought, why am I kidding myself? Okay, they're taking up a lot of room.

I'm not accessing them. I'm not opening them. I'm not using them. They're taking up a lot of room. They're all different shapes and sizes. They're kind of clunky. Let's be honest, books are kind of clunky and misshapen, and they take up a lot of space. And unless you physically go and pull one out, it's almost like filling your pantry full of food and never eating it. It's like putting dozens of soup cans in your pantry and you never pull them out and eat them. They just sit there and then they expire and they're no good. And so now we live in a world where I can go on the internet and anything that was in one of these books pretty much, I saved a few books, I saved maybe 20, but anything that was in these books pretty much, I can track down on the

So if I need any visual reference or I need any print reference or anything like that, it's all in the internet. And in a way, physically, it's almost easier. You know, books are clunky. You've got to hold them open. You've got to put a bookmark in them. You've got to balance them on your lap. You've got to squish them down so they don't close by themselves. If it's a thick book, you know.

And so there's a lot of this, a lot of that. And finally, I just said, you know what? I'm getting rid of the books. And so what I started doing is I started pulling all the books. And I'm talking like, you know, 100 or more books. Lots of books. And by the way, I had done this earlier a number of years ago with the books I really, really, really knew I didn't want.

But the books I had left in my office were the ones that were like, oh, these are the books. These are the ones at all reference. These are the keepers, right? and I realized after all this time they're not the keepers and so I pulled them all off the shelf and I started going through them one by one

and I started putting them in a pile in the middle of the floor all the books I didn't want and it just kept stacking up and it turns out most of the books I didn't want and so now I'm starting to feel like you remember in World War II

when Hitler instructed his Nazi army to start collecting all the books and burning them because he deemed them to be bad. He deemed them to be counterproductive to his cause. He didn't want the masses being influenced by other voices. He wanted complete and utter control. And now here I am, Harlan Nazi Williams

piling, collecting all the books. And I couldn't help but have it go through my mind. It reminded me of the book burnings. Suddenly I felt guilty. I felt bad. I felt like this isn't right. I'm collecting all the books to terminate them. Oh, no. It was really weird. I've got to be honest. But at the same time, I was like these books have surpassed their usefulness to me. And, you know, you get the argument, oh, there's nothing better than a book in your hands. There's nothing. I even told someone about it. And there's nothing like the smell of a book, just the smell of a book and the feel. of it in your hands and yeah right if there was no such thing as books ever invented you

wouldn't miss them i mean yes it's fun to read a book and hold a book but it let's not pretend it's that great you know and so and so i started getting rid of the books and they started piling up and uh and i started feeling like you know i was doing something bad i was doing something wrong but it reminded me also of when I got rid of my DVDs last year I got rid of all my DVDs I got rid of all my VHS tapes and I stacked them all up in boxes and I took them away I sold them I burned them I didn't know I didn't burn them wait Yeah, what he said. I didn't burn them.

What I did is I put them in boxes. And so what I did with my books is I thought I don't want to burn them. I don't want to be Hitler. You know, I thought maybe someone else can use them. So what I'll do is I'll put them in a bunch of big boxes. And I wrote on the boxes. I wrote free books. I use the Internet now.

That's what I got a Sharpie and that's what I wrote. Free books, I use the internet now. Okay? And I took the books, and I took them down to the curb, and I put them down there at the end of the driveway. And sure enough, it didn't take long. I saw the people had ruffled through them. One day I was in my office.

I looked out. I could see a young couple perusing through my books. So they're out there for about two or three days, and people had ruffled through them, and then on day three or four, one of the other, they were just gone. Both boxes gone. Someone must have sped by in their car and went, holy shit, two boxes full of free bucks and just jumped out and threw them in the back of their car. And there's some good books in there.

I mean, you know, and if you're like internet savvy, and if you like to sell stuff on eBay, or you like to sell stuff on the internet, well, somebody probably made out pretty good. But I just wanted somebody to enjoy the books. You know, if I'm not into books anymore, maybe they are. So just for clarity, even though it felt a little weird, it felt a little sacrilegious to throw out books.

I am not a Nazi. I am not Hitler. This was done completely. Just to clean house. And believe me, I feel better about it. And just so you know, I did save probably, I don't know, probably a good 80 to 100 books still. And who knows, I might thin that herd out soon.

Who knows? But that's the world we live in. That's the future. The Internet is here. And everything pretty much I could have found in those books I can probably find on the Internet. So there you go. just a good old office-dwelling dude, not a Hitler guy, just giving away books generously,

not burning them, just for clarity. Happy 2019, happy reading. Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex? No? Yes, yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse.

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This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and a 100% free shipping code Harlan. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Rice. A rumy. The San Francisco tree. Hello? Hello. Hey, Harlan. Hey, hope you're well, buddy. Hey, this is Corey here in Orlando, Florida. I have some co-workers and friends. Would love to come see you, man. We're I saw you a couple of years here in Orlando. I would love to see you back. I just wondering if you're coming here anytime soon.

Hope you're well, and hope to see you soon here in Orlando. Thanks, buddy. Corey in Orlando, yes. Thank you for the call, Corey. And just for the record, 2019 is here, and I will be touring around the country with my stand-up comedy. If you're into what I do, if you like my show, check the internet.

Go to Harland Williams. I have already posted several of my new bookings around the country so you can go on there and see if I will be in your city or town so far. It's early. Okay, it's early, but you don't know. And Corey, as of now, as of this moment, I do not have a booking in Orlando at the moment, hopefully later in the year. But at this point in time, I do not have anything in Orlando. But we will keep. you posted and I'll let you know if and when that happens, all right? Thanks for checking in, and I'm glad you, I'm glad you dig, dig my show, man. And hopefully before long, we'll see you face to face. So yeah, like I said, it's a new year. Check out all the stand-up comedy listings at Harlandwilms.com. And hopefully I'm in an area that you can come and enjoy my.

Comedy stylings. And speaking of comedy stylings, holy guacamole dip. Check this out, man. Okay, so you know how I record my shows. And so last night or two nights ago, one of the other, maybe it was last night. I can't remember I do so many. What happened is I was doing a show at the World Famous Comedy Store on Sunset Boulevard and I'm up there doing my thing and all of a sudden there's a guy in the front row

sitting with his girlfriend off to the side but he's front row and I look over and he's not looking at me he's looking over like kind of into the crowd a little bit so I said to him I said sir could you look up here the show's here kind of half joking right I don't care if he's looking at me or not but you know I just to just to you know interact with the crowd I sir, do you mind looking up here? And he wasn't looking. It was like he couldn't hear me, right? And so then I dug in.

I was like, sir, hello, the show's up here, do you mind? And I went after the guy and he just wouldn't look at me. And I was like, what the hell is this guy drunk? And then his girlfriend who was with him said that he's visually impaired. I guess the guy was blind. And I'm like, oh, my God. And I'm going to play it for you. The room just went quiet.

It got really tense. and I was up there hanging. I was like a sheet off of Rosie O'Donnell's bed, flapping in the wind, all wet and nasty. You know? I was just hung out to dry, man, and it was awkward like you could feel it in the room. I was like, uh-oh.

And for a minute I was like, yikes. But then all of a sudden I dug in, and I remembered something that happened to me earlier in my career, and I think I've talked about this before on the, podcast and I won't tell you what it is but you'll hear it when you listen I'm going to play you the show it's about a 15 minute clip and you'll hear how my my stepping on the landmine of kind of not knowing a guy was blind to hopefully bringing it all back and saving the show it got pretty tense but then it got pretty funny and even though it was tense it was it was really

fun and I'll let you be the judge. Here it is. Me on stage walking into the darkness. Are you ready for more show? Comedy star? This guy's a pleasure to bring the stage. He's fucking incredible. One of my favorite people to watch here. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Harlan

Williams. Highland, William! Keep on the way to the front. Keep on for Harlem News. Thank you. Thank you. About a hand for my son. Give him a hand. There's going to be a girl in the morning.

Give him a hand. Happy New Year, everybody. What a delight. What a treat. This guy's all greased up. How are you? Good to see it. What a delight.

New Year. I love the winter. Are you a winter fan gang? Yeah. Like, where are you from, guy? You kind of go. I'm Tennessee. Tennessee.

It's no country, yeah. I, uh... Sir if you can look away, I don't like your eyes. Why do we talk about religion? That's something fun. That's a button. That's a hot button. Right guy, you're religious?

Sir, you could look this way. Sir, if you can... Sure, you can... Sure, you can look this way. Sir, why are you looking everywhere but here? Oh, is you blind? Oh, I didn't know that. Are you blind, sir?

Vision impaired. And you have an accent. Where are you from, guy? Australia. Australia. Fuck. You're in the USA? How do you like it, guy?

Is there a ride until then? Oh, good. Because what happens is, you know, I didn't know you were vision impaired, because you know, your eyes are going, looking over there, but the shows here. So I didn't know, right? No, right? One thing I learned a long time ago, I did a show when I was like, I don't know, 25, right, bro? and I was looking I was talking to a guy in the crowd

and I started talking just like that and I noticed he wasn't looking and I noticed he had a dog with him and I go what's with the fucking dog bro and he goes I'm blind and I said holy shit I didn't know and so I immediately just veered away from the guy you know I fucked out

I stopped talking to him and I realized that someone off in my brain it was like you know people with an impairment or a handicap they always do we just want to be treated like everyone else right? So what he did is I went back to the fucking guy. And I started talking to him. And at the end of the show, he came up to me and he said, thank you. Thank you for not treating me like a fucking pariah.

Thank you for just treating me normal, right? So that's what I'm doing with you. I don't care if you're blind, bro. I don't care if it's from, you're from Australia that I don't like. But don't be nervous. Don't panic. It's good. I, I, what's great about this buddy is my show is very, It's all about audible, right? I'm not a physical comic. I have a word smith, and you're going to love this. Out of all the comics up here, bro,

you're going to remember my act, because I do noises. The other comics didn't do noises, did they? All right, this is a baby koala getting crushed under an airplane wave. Right, bro, you can laugh a little harder. See, I got really quiet, but I went back to the guy. See, I didn't abandon him because he's digitally impaired.

I went right the fuck back to him, and I'm going to do the rest of my act about him. But don't you love it that I didn't leave you hanging, that I wasn't scared of it, and I walked away like a fucking seeing-eye coward? Everyone's equal to me in here. How about you, ma'am? Your eyes? All right? They're okay.

You're wearing glasses. They're not great. You ever put them on him just for a gag? Now let me ask you this, because I shared a little story, right? I shared a little story that I bumped into a guy with a seeing eye dog, right? And I love seeing eye dog. So if you don't mind, I'm going to ask you, do you have a seeing eye dog? You don't.

Have you thought about getting one? No, I can't afford it. Huh? I can't afford paying for it. No, that's, I'm all right. You're all right? Yeah, I'm right. What if?

Paid for it. No. What if that guy paid for it? What about a dingo? A seeing-eye fucking dingo. Imagine how fucking cool that is. You're the only person with a seeing-eye dog that eats babies. What's your name, bud?

I like you. Peter what? Here we go, gang. You, out. Just so you know, some ignorant, big bald guy walked out on you. Blind hater! Racist blind, seeing impaired hater. Skinhead, no hair.

Do you work, Peter? Do you work? I work. Yeah, what do you do? We're all interested. It's interesting, isn't it? Someone's visually impaired. You get, what kind of work do they do?

We're all interested, legitimately. What kind of work, Peter? A community support worker. Community support worker. Isn't that fun? All right, children, it's safe to cross the street now. Go ahead, kids, it's all right. Give him my hand.

Peter for my story. I love it. I don't run away. There's a guy in the guy. If you got an impairment, sir, you want to jump in? You put your hand up. You just, you like it. I mean, someone could hate you in the face with a board if you want to, you know, be impaired. Too sick.

Let's talk about religion, ma'am. You religious? No. Not at all. Don't believe in God. No. Don't believe in a higher force? No. What do you believe in, man? Fucking Arby's?

What do you believe in? Um. Woo! Owls? You know, Peter, at a time like this, it's good to be visually impaired because, son, you do not want to look at a human being with an empty soul. It's not pretty, Peter.

Not pretty. You know if you can close your legs and smells. Well, look who's back. The blind, hating skinhead just came back, Peter. Can you sense vibrations? Did you feel them coming? You're a big dude. How much do you wait, bro, Seth the Ashi-Osh?

Come on. 2.40. Fucking joggernaut, eh? Peter, that's a big. big boy, huh, Pete? What do you weigh, Pete? 75 kilos, see how we went metric system? Just to show the rest of us how fucking stupid we are. That's what Peter has over us.

I can't handle the metric system, and I go to Ken, it's like, yeah, I'll have, go into a milk store and buy seven kilometers of milk. I love Peter. I want a plush toy of Peter. Oh, Peter, Peter, Peter, there you go. I ended the show. There was a little bit more, but it kind of just deviated off into some stuff that didn't match with the rest of it.

There's only like two minutes left, and basically I was talking to the sound guy about bringing up the next comic. So I didn't want to... There wasn't really anything funny in there. My little episode with Peter ended, and I don't know if you could sense how awkward and tense it was from the audio, but, man, I could feel it. I could feel it in the crowd. I could feel it in my own insides, and I could see it on Peter.

Poor Peter, I think he was really on the spot, and I could see his brow was starting to sweat. You know, he was sweating, but I also, even though I saw him sweating and could see he was a bit uncomfortable, I was also like, I don't want to let him off the hook. It's like, I'm not letting myself off the hook. You know, I want him to know that he's just as valid a guy to do table talk with than someone who isn't impaired. And so even though I could see it was like probably making his pulse race and we were having some fun, you know, I let him know that I wasn't there to mock him

or be cruel to him. I was really there to play with him and make him feel. like he belonged and I think I could tell you I can't show you his face but I could tell you that he was smiling and laughing and by the end of it I could kind of sense that he really enjoyed it

so at least I hope he did and he was there with his girlfriend or there was a woman with him I don't know if it was his girlfriend but she had glasses on excuse me and and she was the one that I made the comment to I said do you ever

put your glasses on Peter just for a gag. But they were good sports. It was a lot of fun. It totally took me out of my game plan. I was kind of going down another track. I was going to go on this whole terror about religion. And I just got too sidetracked by Peter, and I didn't want to leave them dangling.

So there it was. That's the dangerous side of comedy. You never know what's going to get thrown in your face. You never know how you're going to deal with it. And in this case, we dealt with it through humor. And at one point, you heard me talking about the skinhead guy. It was right in the middle of my act, this great big, giant guy, this bald guy, this white guy, got up and walked out to go to the bathroom. So that was what that was.

I was kind of describing to Peter who it was, and I pretended that he was anti-blind. So there you go. Just another What? Oh Whoa, okay Roger says we got someone on the phone Who is it?

What, Rabbi Pappenheim? Okay. Yeah, it's the new year. I'd love to talk to Rabbi. Rabbi Pappenheim is a rabbi in the community here where I live. We're great friends. We go up for lunch often and we talk.

Yeah, let's put them through. Rabbi Pappenheim, 2019. This is great. Our first show. Hello? Yes, Rabbi. Hello, Holland. Hello? Yes, I'm here, Rabbi Pappenheim. How are you? Well, you know, I wish you a happy new year and, you know, sweet tidings and all that rigmarole. Yes, happy new year to you. I'm excited. It's a new beginning.

before you step on the gas there, and I don't like to use the word gas, but, you know, I have a little bit of a bond to pick. Well, gee, that's not a good way to start the year. Usually you take me out to the food court for... For some vetsals, pretzels, I know, but then, by the way, this time with the food court, they opened a, you've got to show you, Captain D's Shefford, and I advise you. I advise you. I'm going to take you over for some Boston steamers. Some what, rabbi? Boston Stevers over at Captain D's fish house. Okay, I don't know what a Boston steamer is, but... Trust me, it's delicious, it's wonderful, it's kosher,

everybody loves a good old-fashioned Boston, you want to call it Steamer. So no more Vetzel's pretzels. Well, you know, it's a new year. I thought I'd try something new instead of the Vetsal what you want to say what you want to call it

the pretzel Okay, so Captain D's for a Boston steamer Well, you know I'm not so sure I want to do this anymore, Holland. Oh, what changed your mind, Rabbi? Well, I think I was hearing some of you earlier segment there

about the books? Oh, yes, yes, Hitler and the books. Yes, and it sounds like... What do you mean? You're writing a book about Hitler? No, I'm not writing a book about Hitler. I was getting rid of books and I compared it to Hitler when he burned the books.

Well, what I heard is that you sounded like you were writing a book about Are you about he said Adolf Hitler? No, no

I wasn't writing a book I was getting rid of books I mean who wants to write

about Adol Hitler I mean why would you do that who is this guy here? No

Rabbi, wait a minute no I am not writing what I said is sometimes when I have

a lot of books and I get rid of them I feel guilty it reminded me of when Hitler used to round up the books and he would burn them

and I was rounding up the books and I was throwing them away getting rid of them well you know there's something else Hitler gathered up and got rid of Ireland wait wait what well you know I don't know

if any of those show called books that you got rid of you know if you had to take it the time to read them maybe you would have machine that your friend Hitler rounded something else up and burned it. Wait, no, wait a minute. Don't say my friend, Rabbi.

I mean, what are you talking about? Well, I think, you know, maybe it wasn't only the books your old friend rounded up Holland. He's not my friend, and now I know what you're saying. I know he, horrific humanitarian god-off unforgivable, evil, horrible crimes he committed against the Jewish people. And by God, no, I am not comparing or equating or... Well, you know, I hear you're burning the books.

I hear gathering things up to, you know, put a throw away in the garbage like they don't mean anything. And all of a shutting, you know, I go, why should I take this kid to the... Food cart. Rabbi, no, I'm not going to let you do this. Every time you call, you somehow kind of find a way to connect me or something I say to Adolf Hitler. Now, I can't let you do that, Rabbi.

Well, I'm not doing anything, Garland. I mean, you know, I listen to your podcast. I'm eating my lunch. I'm having a bowl of the mozzarella soup. And all of the sudden I hear you're writing a book, about Hitler, and all of a sudden I feel my throat tighten up, and I get some my morts are clogged in my throat, and now I'm choking, and I'm spitting all over the delicum-distance, and I'm sitting in the, I'm listening to the podcast, and I'm thinking,

who is this guy? What is this guy? Who is this guy that writes him a book about Hitler? Rabbi, for the record, I have never or never would want to write a book about Adolf Hitler. The guy is a low-life scumbag. I said I was gathering the books up in a big collection so that I could get rid of them. Oh, here me go again. Here we're collecting things up, getting rid of them.

So easy for you. I mean, who is this guy here? Who is this guy? Why would you say that to me? I'm working, a functioning rabbi in the community, and you're telling me you're rounding people up. I did not say, rabbi. I did not say I'm rounding up people.

I said I was rounding up my old books to get rid of them, and you clearly must have heard, I said, getting rid of a pile of books, it was reminiscent of back from my history lessons, when Adolf Hitler would collect books and burn them so that... Yeah, you don't have to tell me, Holland. Why don't you tell my great-great-great-grandmother? She'll never read a book.

You know why? Because your little friend with the caterpillar mustache, he rounded her up and got rid of her too. Now, what do you say about that? I say that you're reaching here, sir, and this is not fair to me, think it's an offense to anybody listening, any of my Jewish listeners, you got to stop, you know, throwing around the H word so lightly.

Oh, listen to you. The book burner telling the Jewish rabbi how he should feel about, you know, the third light and the Nazis. And I hear I was thinking I would take you not to Vetsalje, that you want to say, how you going to call it pretzels. Rabbi? But here I was thinking, you know, I'll take my friend, it's a new year, I'll take him to the food court, and try something fresh.

I'll get him to Captain Deis, and he'll try some delicious Boston steams. But holy smokes, why don't you just deep-fri-meil at it? Rabbi, I am not going to let you get away with this. Now stop it. Why don't you go and light your fireplace and eat your face, he's dirty pig? Come on, man. Why does he do the every... He's...

I can't win that argument. No matter what I say, no matter how sensitive or careful, he seems to find... Oh, God. Just ridiculous. Ridic... Great way to start. the new year with the first show. I get accused of who knows what he was implying. You know, Roger, sometimes I wonder, and I say

this with all due respect, if the rabbi is having some mental health issues, because his sensitivity, which I understand for all people of the Jewish faith, towards Hitler, but his is so heightened that if anything even remotely whiffs of Hitler or something, he immediately, you've heard him. Aye, aye, aye, it makes it tough to to talk to him sometimes. Anyways, let's move on. Speaking of talking, so I want to wrap up

and mention to you guys that, you know, my dad sent me these ridiculous dolls for Christmas, the Laurel and Hardy dolls, right? It's like a Nancy Drew mystery, the mystery of the porcelain dolls. right and so I was pretty sure that you know it was so long ago that I bought him these dolls

I'm pretty sure that I bought them for him like 15 16 17 years ago maybe and they were at his house up in Canada and if you want to hear the rest of the story go back and listen to the podcast like a couple back where my dad fed X'd me a Christmas present and I opened it and it was these Laurel and Hardy porcelain dolls and at first I was excited and then I went wait a minute these are the aren't these the dolls that I got him years ago

so I didn't open the wrapping paper I just opened the FedEx box so I put them under my tree I had my suspicions I called my sisters I said I think this is what dad did I think he re-gifted me my own gift from years ago

and so I my sisters verified that yes indeed there were we did have Laurel and hearty porcelain dolls at the house from my parents live. And so I promised my sisters I was going to bust my dad. I was going to out them. And I promised you guys I would do it. And I said I would record the phone column.

What sucks is I was going to phone my dad and set up all the equipment to record them. But guess what? He phoned me before I had a chance to phone him. So he caught me off guard. I didn't have all my gear set up. And I'm kicking myself because it was the most hilarious. ridiculous phone call. I wish I could play it for you guys and you'd hear it,

so all I can do is tell you what happened. But sure enough, I opened these damn dolls on Christmas morning. I was like, okay, I'll finally take the wrapping paper off them. And, you know, sure enough, it's these Laurel and Hardy porcelain dolls. They've got little legs and shoes and a porcelain head, porcelain hands, porcelain hat. and they're wearing like felt clothing. And Laurel and Hardy, for the most part,

always wore black suits, right? So first thing I notice is on the porcelain hats, there's like seven inches of dust. Okay? There's more dust than you'd find in the back hallway of an old Broadway theater. All right? Tons of dust.

And then the black felt, jackets they were wearing faded they weren't completely black anymore you know when things fade when you leave them out by the window and the sun and the sun fades photographs and pictures

and clothing anything with color in it the sun eventually fades it over the so these jackets were all faded and not only that once they were out of the rapper I instantly recognize them and I was like my God So my dad phoned to wish me a happy new year And Merry Christmas a number of days after the event

After Christmas And he was you know He started talking about them He's like well I'm glad I got a gift to you And he was like gonna play it all off And I just I busted him right well wait a minute I said aren't those the dolls that I gave you 15 years ago And right away he kind of clammed up

And I said aren't they this And then he start you hear him start giggling. I'm like, are you laughing? I'm like, why would you send me those dolls? He goes, oh, son, those are the two of the classics of comedy. You've got to have those.

I go, that's exactly why I got them for you, Dad. Right? And he's like, well, I sent them back because they're cherished heirlooms for the family. And I said, yeah, that's why I gave them to you so you could cherish them. What the hell are you doing, sending them back to me? And then he just started

cracking up laughing. And I just started busting him. I said, man, you're an Indian giver. You're a cheap skate Indian giver. You sent back the stuff I send you. What the hell's the matter with you? And then he starts trying to lay and he's like, no, son,

no, no, it's the thought that counts. I said, yeah, the thought that counted 16 years ago when I gave them to you. I said, you can't, you couldn't dip into your bank account and buy your only son a nice new gift and you went to all the trouble to go to FedEx and rap and and you give me something I gave you nice try I'm not letting you get away with an Indian giver and now he's chuckling away and you know he's laughing but he's like it's

kind of an embarrassed laugh because he's busted but it's just ridiculous man my old man And, you know, you got to go, Dad, you never send me anything in all these years. Finally, you send me something. And it's my own gift 16 years later. And the only real positive thing that came, I said, so you used FedEx, how was that? And he goes, I can't believe it. And I go, what? He goes, well, I went there, and then it was at your house the next day.

I said, yeah, Dad, that's what FedEx does. That's the service they provide. He's like, well, good God, I couldn't believe it. so my dad you know he's he's almost 90 okay he's like 86 86 and then first time in his life he used FedEx at 86 okay and at 86 he still can't buy his own kid his only son a damn brand new present he has to re he has to be an Indian giver and give back one that I gave him what a nut job And he's trying to blow it on. I'm going, Dad, there's dust on it. I said, why didn't you just send me a vacuum cleaner with it at least?

There was so much dust. There was like four inches of dust on this thing, and the clothing was all faded. He's like, oh, well, that's a testament to all the good times we've had. I said, what, good times? You'd have good times if you were looking at them and remembering your son who gave them to you. Now you've shipped off a memory.

that your kid supplied for you. And my dad, he just digs in. He never fesses up. He would never go, you know what, I'm sorry. That was, that sucked. I really should have, you know what? I should have thought of it

and got you something new and something you liked. And my dad just diggs in. He's laughing. He's giggling. I think he's almost like inside. I know my dad. Inside, he's like, he's loving it, man.

He's like, he's loving this. stuff because it's kind of like a bit of a burn and he's getting away with it but i didn't let him get away with it i called him out man unbelievable said all the money you've made in your life and you're regifted me good lord so there you go i i wish i had recorded it i wish i wish he didn't catch me off guard it was just so you'd be laughing my dad unbelievable so there you go Now I have, and I told him, I said, yeah, guess what you're getting next year, Dad? Guess what I'm shipping home? FedEx. Yeah, you got it.

Laurel and Hardy's, they're coming home. Laurel and Hardy are coming home next Christmas, Daddy. Ha, ha, ha. So if he wants to play that little tennis game, I'm willing to spend the 50 bucks to send those porcelain, faded, dust-covered comedy legends all the way back through Fed. right to my dad's front door. Oh, that might be the most pleasurable 50 bucks I ever spend. I'll show the Indian giver how an Indian giver works.

So there you go. Follow up on the old Laurel and Hardy, Nancy Drew Mystery. Good Lord. Who's she you, mother? Blow up your pants. Blow up your pants. Oh, and I think we've got to end the, we'll end the show right there with with my dad's madness.

Oh, we'll do a few announcements here. So it's the first of the year, and as I mentioned earlier, all the stand-up comedy tour dates, the latest round anyways, are on my website, harlandwiliams.com. So check it out. My first stand-up gig of the year

will be in Rally, North Carolina. Yeah, baby. Rally, North Carolina at the improv. The Improv Comedy Club in Rally, that's January 24 through 27, 24 through 27. It's going to be a great time, so check it out. Rally, Rally, North Carolina. And then coming up later, I want to get a handle on this one. In February, February 16th, or sorry, not February 16th.

Hold on. Got my dates mixed up here. are we here we go february 23rd uh if you're in uh mid level california up near sacramento i'm going to be in a town called chino which is just north of sacramento at the l ray theater for one night only beautiful theater and and chico california saturday february 23rd the l ray L. Ray Theater. So get your tickets ahead of time. Go online to harlandwilms.com. And you can reserve.

You can book. And that way you won't be disappointed if you're not. If they don't let you in. Blow up your pants. But that's it. Check it out. Also check out our premium membership. It's only $20 to get the whole

Harland Highway collection. And we are rapidly approaching 1,000. I think we're about 25. away from being at 1,000 episodes. Unbelievable. Also, our free app on your cell phone, just go into your app store, type in the Harland Highway podcast. Boom, there it is free. You'll be able to hear the 50 latest episodes at no charge at all. So there you go. Keeping it free for you, gang. Commercial free, fee-free, all that good stuff. And that's it. That's all we got for

today another year of puppy dog pals thank you for everyone who's been watching the puppy dog pals my cartoon on disney junior keep your eyes peeled this year there is going to be some more cool stuff coming that i'm working on uh we'll keep you a breast of that and uh that's it happy new year have a great one 2019 here we go let's make it rock and until the next show chicken Shaomaine, baby? Well, I think, you know, maybe it wasn't only the books, you old friend rounded up, Holland.