The Harland Highway - 977 - SENIOR FUENTES and the border wall. CRAZY news story! Desert mystery solved!

Episode Date: January 14, 2019

SENIOR FUENTES and the border wall. CRAZY news story! Desert mystery solved! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

It's a new year, it's a new year, isn't it queer? It's a new year. Hmm, interesting. Oh, hello everybody. Harlan Williams here. Hope you're having a good 2019 thus far. Don't get to use the word thus that often, but I thusly just did thusly. A great show today. We're covering a lot of ground. Holy smokes. We're going to be talking about something weird. that blows through the desert? Yeah? Way do you hear what it is? It's kind of gross and weird.

But we're going to be talking about it. We're going to be talking about how you can empower yourself in the new year as well. How you can wake up every day and kick ass and be in charge, be large and in charge, be in control. Empower yourself. It's a great segment. You're going to be surprised. Also, a crazy news story. about a man that was shot, and you'll never believe how the hell he was shot.

Interesting stuff, crazy. And then also some listener phone calls, and then Signor Fuentes drops by and gets into it with me about the wall they're building in the south to keep illegals from coming over. Very sensitive, very interesting. It always is, because this is the Harland Highway. How do you know my name? It's on the marriage certificate.

I've never seen you before in all my life. Hold on to your airbag. You're heartless, heartless monsters. All of you threw it through. You're riding down the Harland Highway. Oh yeah! When you see a fallen stalk, that means a witch has just died. You clumsy idiot?

The Harland Highway. Oh, I want is to hear people say something again or to see people moving again. I'm Floyd Bernie, a rockabilly boy. Don't you understand? You're listening to Harlan Williams. I can't be your daughter. I'm a machine. Man, you've been dead a thousand years. Why, George, I think he's got it. You're riding down the Harland Highway with Harlan Williams.

Eh, what's up, Doc? Mr. If you're going to lose, you're going to lose right now. leave me here oh here we go little bliggins and sneaggugins welcome to the harland highway podcast everybody how are you are you doing most excellent i know i am i hope you're doing most excellent too um what elves uh hey welcome uh what a show we have today. I think I'd like to start with a crazy news story. I saw this, I saw this headline in the media and I thought, man, we just got to talk about this ridiculousness right out of the gate. So, Raj, before we do anything else, cue the crazy news story theme. Let's get into it. Here we go.

The Harland Highway. Crazy news story. That's weird. Wow. That's strange. All right. Here we go. You ready? This is just, I don't know how this stuff happens. Ex-Louisiana State University football player, shot by dog while hunting, has leg amputated. Um, hello. I mean, man, if you're getting shot by, isn't a dog supposed to be man's best friend? Was it a drive-by? Was it a doghouse by? Was it a... What was it?

I'm going to read it. Let's see. A former Louisiana State University linesman was shot by his dog well, duck hunting in Mississippi last month. A freakish injury that reportedly required the amputation of part of his leg. Good night, Nelly Frittato. Michael Heckford of Baton Rouge told the newspaper on Tuesday that he and some friends were on a duck hunting trip near Eagle Lake.

Well, are you hunting eagles or you hunting duck? Shouldn't you be out of Duck Lake? So he's near Eagle Lake. And when the incident occurred, he said the group had been going to the area for about six or seven years to hunt. Quote, everybody was pumped up. told the newspaper, we rode the levy the day before and there were a ton of ducks. We were excited. Okay. Later in the morning, Heckford said ex-Lyman Matt Branch was accidentally hit

by a blast from his shotgun, which he had left loaded on the bed of his pickup truck. Heckford said a Labrador named Tito jumped onto the truck bed, stepped on the safety of the shotgun, and pulled the trigger. He said the 12-gauge shotgun shall tore through the side of the truck and hit the guy's left thigh. Quote, in the midst of the chaos at this point, I ran over to Matt to assess what had happened. He said, we had no clue what the damage was at this point in time.

They called 911, and they began to understand how precarious the predicament was. Good Lord, man I think I did a bit A long time ago about how people Buy Christmas presents for their dogs And they half expect the dog To pick the Christmas present up and open it

They don't have hands, folks They don't have thumbs They don't... So how does a dog jump up on a truck And pull the trigger? I mean, Lassie and Benji Have nothing on this dog I mean, you know

I've seen dog you know, jump through hoops. I've seen dogs jump through fire. I ain't never seen a dog shoot a shotgun at somebody. That's badass. That's like the dirty hairy of the canine set. So the story goes on to say that this man has since, had his left leg amputated.

The quote here is, I think we knew how serious it was, was at the point in time when there was blood everywhere. His pants were just soaked in blood. Wow. Well, I don't want to sound mean here, but, you know, I don't know that I'm that tore up. about this because, you know, I just am not a big fan of hunters. I don't like the concept of going out and shooting stuff,

no matter what your excuse is. Oh, it's fun. Oh, we eat everything we shoot. Oh, you've got to cull the herd. You've got to thin the flocks. You've got to do this. You've got to do that. I just, you know, the concept of a dopy bird or a dumb deep,

up against the brains of a human being with a weapon that they invented that shoots lead at the speed of sound through their heads. I just don't like it. If we were still hunters and gatherers, okay, fine. But there's a grocery store on every corner, man. You can deliver food to your house. You could order duck to your house with one of these new food apps. And these people that go out and take the lives of innocent animals and kill them

and somehow justify it somehow because it's an industry or it's humane to thin the herd or it's this or that, I don't know. Really, has anyone been annoyed lately by the excess amount of elk running through their backyard? Has anyone had to swerve off the road because of the extra elephants in the street or the ducks flying overhead? So although I don't like to see someone get shot, you're almost going a little ways. It's like, hey, buddy, how do you like it now?

How does that feel? How do you feel getting shot, pal? You're lucky it was just your leg. You know, these damn animals get it right in the freaking heart And through the head and in the brain And they're just gone, man So you know, that old saying, you play with fire, you're going to get burnt And now the old saying should be updated

You play with your dog, you're going to get shot Wow, crazy news story right here on the Harland Highway Hi, I'm Chuckie want to play Speaking of life and playing and living, you know, as the new year unfolds here, don't you want to empower yourself for the new year? You know, kind of start off strong, out of the gate, fresh beginnings, all that, right? We're only like, what, two weeks in? And, you know, a lot of people in order to empower themselves and wake up feeling in control. control and strong.

You know, people read self-help books, people, you know, go take yoga, people meditate, people take vitamins, people take, they go to motivational classes with Tony Robbins, and they get motivational books, and, you know, all that stuff, right? And all that stuff takes time and money and effort and commitment and, you know, All the nonsense we wanted to clear out of our way to get the new year off to a roaring start, right? So let me give you a way to feel empowered every morning when you wake up. Feel like you're in charge. Feel like you were on top of the world.

I dare say feel like you're a god, okay? And would you believe me if I told you is all it took was a jar of jam? Yeah, a jar of jam, gurgoblogans and blingleblaggons. Here's what I'm talking about, okay? Go get yourself a $2.3 jar of jam, craft or raspberry or strawberry or strawberry, whatever. And before you go to bed at night, just put a little teaspoon in there,

not the big soup spoon, the little teaspoon, the one you stir your coffee and tea with, you dainty bastards. And you shove your damn little teaspoon into your delicious raspberry jam and you take a little dollop out. You take a little baby half scoop, maybe even a quarter scoop, right? And you just take it out and you plop it, you plop it right on your countertop in the kitchen, okay? You splat it down just before you go to bed, turn out the light, go to your bedroom, have a nice sleep.

When you wake up in the morning, and again, if you want to feel, empowered you go back into the kitchen you look and there should be about 500 little brown ants surrounding the little dollop of raspberry jam for whatever reason ants love jam I don't know where they got their fine taste for jam from but they got it okay they love they'll eat like bugs and leaves but you throw some jam in there forget it They'll leave everything behind. So there you go. You wake up.

You're feeling groggy. Your head's still got a few cobwebs in it. Your eyes have some big chunks of yellow magma in the corners of them. And you're like, ah, man, how do I get my day going? How do I find the will to feel empowered and strong and in charge, right? And that's when you take your thumb and you slowly start scrote. Squishing the life out of each and every one of those ants. Oh, yeah, just put your thumb down and, uh, ooh, uh, right?

Just squish them. Just squish the light. And do you feel like a god? Do you feel like when you hold the destiny, when you hold the fate of all these little lives in your hand? Oh, my goodness, you're just empowered. You're like, I am the God. I am Ant God. I am in charge.

I control all of your lives. Right? And just one by one. With each ant, you squish the stronger and more empowered you feel. You're in charge now, Sugar Lips. Right? and what's great is ants have segmented bodies they have three body parts so it almost feels like with each ant you're killing three bodies in one it's almost like a bonus treat want to kill

someone or would you rather kill someone and it feels like you're killing three try squishing an ant right and just when you think you can't feel any more in control because you've just snuffed out 500 lives, suddenly you see the trail of ants going up the side of your kitchen cabinet and across the floor all the way to the door or the crack in your wall that they're coming in from outside. Hey everybody, who wants to have better sex? No? Yes, yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus 100% free shipping on

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This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discreet. count and a hundred percent free shipping code harland have fun don't throw your back out so now to add some gravy to your god status you grab a can of off or some kind of bug spray and you just follow the trail right down the counter it's like then you walk across your living room floor wherever the kitchen floor Oh my god Do you know how many ants are in that trail?

I'm telling you man Nothing gets your blood going Nothing gets your body and mind and spirit moving Like good old fashioned genocide in the morning Oh god The corpses are strewn everywhere And you are freaking in charge now man Nobody's stopping you today, baby.

No one gets in the way of the end killer. You go into the office. Excuse me, Bill, will you file these papers? Are you fucking with me? I just killed 3,000 living creatures. This is not the day you want to be asking me to file shit. Sorry, Bill. Step back, Biot.

I got both my thumbs out. Sorry, Bill. Sorry, Bill. So there you go, gang. If you want to get on that saddle and ride, if you want to be in charge and control, you want to feel like a freaking God with the power of life and death

over everybody and everything. A jar of jam. $3. And you know how many dollops you get out of one jar? Oh my God, that's probably like three. right there, maybe four. Maybe three jars of jam gets you through the whole year

and think of all the bodies. Oh, my God. Oh, my God, crazy. So there you go. Just a little tip for me to you to help you get empowered, be the person you know you can be. Start ending lives.

And you don't even need a dog to shoot anybody. Just do it with your thumbs, baby. From me to you, Go get him, Tiger. Shut up and sit down, you big ball fuck. Ooh, you hear that? You hear that wind? Oh my God.

What does it make you think of when you hear the wind blowing like that? Just close your eyes and visualize. Listen to the wind. Tell me what you see. Do you see something blowing? Do you see something out in the desert? You see something blowing along Looks like a big bushy ball

And it's bouncing and hopping across the desert landscape Yeah I think you know what you're seeing It's called a tumbleweed A tumbleweed Gurgleblurgens and Snurgle glargens But how many of you have actually seen a tumbleweed

How many of you have actually captured one In real life, held one? Well, I recently was puddling around out in the desert and tumbleweed blew into me and I picked it up and I might have solved not so ancient mystery. Hear me out.

So here's what I realized with tumbleweed. Okay, you know, it's like, you know, anything on the planet, it never really gets destroyed. It gets displaced. You know what I mean? Like ice becomes water and things that are burning, become gases and gases become molecules and and ice becomes liquid and and liquid becomes solid and you know what I mean like things just kind of move around they don't they don't entirely vanish

and so back in the uh probably in the early 80s maybe towards the end of the 70s but I'd say more more into the early to mid 80s the ladies the girls The girls started doing something to their bodies that was, you know, not as common as it was in the 50, 60, 70s, all through history. The ladies started taking to shaving a certain area of their body. And let's be adults here, their pubic area. There used to be a time when the women had what we called a bush or a, patch or a big hairy muff. And these are just words that have been thrown around through the ages.

So don't freak out, bush, patch, muff, whatever you want to call it. And then somewhere around, I guess, the early 80s. And if you need to verify this, you know, if you weren't around during these earlier decades, You know, those of us that were can tell you, you know, state in fact that that's the way it was. It was an anomaly if you met a woman who shaved that area. It was not bald the way it is these days. Most women have no hair at all down there. And if you need proof, just like, you know, archive 60s or 70s or 80s porn, man.

You'll see. You'll see all kinds of hair. But then somewhere in the 80s, the women said enough. We don't want the hair there. We do not want the hair there. Why should we care about the hair? When people stare at the hair there. Suddenly I'm an X-rated Dr. Seuss. So the women started shaving it off, shaving it off.

Think about it. All the billions of women around the planet. Getting rid of the patch. Getting rid of the furry duffel. Getting rid of the crotch afro. Whatever you want to call it. And as I said earlier, nothing really gets destroyed. It just moves into a different form.

Right? And so I realized what happened is where did all those, All those mounds of hair go from the ladies who shaved it all off, from their nether regions. For those of them that cleared out the Bermuda Triangle, that hair had to go somewhere. And, you know, hair's light. The wind picked it up. And, you know, like the dust balls under your bed, we've all seen dust bunnies.

you look under your bed right now, you'll see a little bundle of dust. Well, all this soft, silky pubic hair that was shaved by the truckload by the women of the 70s and the early 80s got picked up by the wind, and over the years, over the decades, it's rolled together like a snowball. And guess what? That's what tumbleweed is, okay? Yeah, tumbleweed is just giant circular globs of pubic hair rolling through the desert.

I know, I know, it's shocking. You're like, what is he talking about? Is he mad? One blew into my leg, okay? It was pubic hair. Why they call it tumbleweed, I don't know. Maybe that's a name they use. in the porn industry back in the 70s.

Oh, listen, Diane, you're really groovy, but your tumbleweeds a little out of control today, baby. Oh, right on, Dirk. Let me just trim it down. Groovy. So when you go through the desert or you're watching a movie and you see those tumbleweeds

bouncing down the middle of the street or across the road or across the landscape through the desert through the cacti, It's just a mystery solved. They're just big round mounds of 1970s and 1980s and right on up to now. Women haven't stopped growing hair. They just don't hold on to it anymore.

And so the wind picks it up, it balls up, and it rolls around, and who knows how many antelope and deer it's killed, who knows how many rabbits and lizards have been caught up in a pubic. storm tornado quote unquote tumbleweed good lord imagine you're a lizard just crawling along the desert floor and all of a sudden a big bushy ball of tumbleweed comes rolling over you and you get tangled up in it and you're bouncing through the desert and a bunch of pubs oh the horror so there you go gang just a little food for thought a little a little not so ancient mystery cleared up, tumbleweeds are furry duffle. Okay? So there you go. Stay away. Just let them blow

on by. You don't need to be touching them. You don't need them to hit you. Just stay in your car and let them tumbleweeds. That's why they're out there. That's why you wonder why the park service don't clean them up or pick them up. Uh-uh. They just let them blow on by. Let them tumble on by. Tumble on by, Tumble on by, Tumbleweed. We don't need to touch you. Safe trails, happy journey. We'll catch you on the other side.

Good old Mr. Tumbleweed. So there you go. Hello? Hello? Hi, Harland. My name is Tia. I just want to say I follow you on Instagram. I was wondering, I wanted to ask you,

will you be doing any movies anytime soon, any upcoming movies or shows out of curiosity? Thank you, and you have a wonderful evening. Take care. God bless. Bye-bye. Gia, oh, Gia, boy, I wish I could see you. Hey, Gia, thank you for your voicemail or VM, as the kids are saying.

Yes, I do have a new movie coming up. I don't know the release date. I think it's in about five or six months. And it is a movie called Turkey Ball. I can't really tell you my role in the movie because it's kind of a secret. but it's a fun role it's a it's a surprising role it's a type of character you haven't seen me play before and so these are the early details the movie is finished they've been editing it and i just heard from the director actually last week so your your call is very timely and he said that

it looks like maybe five or six months the movie will be coming out but it is called Turkey Bowl. That is the name of the movie. Turkey Bowl. I think that if you check online, there's an old movie called Turkey Bowl from years ago. So don't get confused with that one. This one will be new.

And so, as always, with my projects, I will keep you updated as I get more news and when I get a confirmed release date and all that stuff. So thank you so much for checking. in on that. Also, as far as following my Instagram, thank you so much. For those of you that enjoy what I do, you might want to join my Instagram. It's just Harlan Williams, Instagram. And you'll see a picture of me there, kind of a black and white picture of me, with a leather jacket on and a tie and looking spiffy. And I post all kinds of goofy stuff. I try

to keep it light and comedic and funny and silly, so little videos and little pictures and things that people do on Instagram, movie clips. So if you are an Instagram person, I urge you to join my Instagram, and you can watch stuff on there with Gia. Thank you, Gia. I think we should do another call, Raj, do we have time for one more? Great, okay. And by the way, if you ever want to call the Harland Hot Rod, Harland Highway Hotline, I should say. The phone number is 323-739-43330. 323-739-43-33-30. And you can leave any message you want.

So let's do another one, Rod. We've got another voicemail. Yeah, let's play it. Hello, Harlan. This is Rob Lambo from Wisconsin. and just wanted to ask you a couple quick questions. One, what do you think of Trump's wall situation and the government shut down? And I was also wondering, do you think Senor Fuentes would get a little bent out of shape

if you asked him to build a retaining wall? I mean, would that kind of go a little bit awry? I could see him being like, Signor, I don't know if I want to build a wall. So just get at me and let me know what you think. Chicken shall name, baby. Excellent questions indeed. Well, here's my take on the wall. Okay, first of all, you know, first they wanted $25 billion for the wall.

Now they want $5, almost $6 billion for the wall. How many of you have a billion dollars laying around in your pocket? How many of you work hard for your money and hope that your tax dollars go to things that aren't so expensive? So here's my proposition for a while. I do think we need to control the border. I don't think it's healthy for either side, just to have people running in willy-nilly, okay? It's just not a good thing.

There's a system. Every country has systems and laws, and they needed to be abided by. If you let one law slip, then you start letting the other laws slip. You know what I'm saying? And as a guy who is a legal immigrant, I went through the process.

I went through the long and arduous process of becoming a legal citizen. And, yeah, it takes time. It takes patience. It takes wherewithal. It takes hiring a lawyer. It takes money. It takes following a process. I came down from the north through Canada, so I'm sure the process coming up through Mexico

is different. But nonetheless, there's a process. And I believe no matter what country, you have to respect a country's rules and laws, or what's the point? Everyone deserves to pursue their dreams in life and pursue a better life. But in doing that, you cannot break laws to get there. You cannot step over people who are doing it the right way just because you want to get there faster. It just ain't fair. So here's what I propose. And, you know, I'm a comedian. So, of course, I'm going to come up with a solution that involves comedy. And it might just be the best solution. Even though it's comedic, it might be the right thing to do. Okay, so instead of dropping 25 bill, 100 bill, 5 bill on a wall that goes all the way across the southern border to keep illegals from walking into the country, here's what I propose. For a fraction,

of the cost, I suggest we hire mimes. Okay, do you know what mimes are? They're those people that do stuff without speaking, right? They pretend they're opening a box. They pretend they're pulling a rope. They pretend they're eating an apple. And guess what they're really good at? They pretend they're standing behind a wall.

Yeah, they put their hands up. They put their hands up in the air. And you almost believe it's a wall. I mean, they're so good at miming that there's a wall there. You actually start to visualize the wall. I don't know what they have duck fingers or seagull webbed hands. I don't know why they're so good at it. But if you watch a good mime and their little black and white striped outfit with the overalls

and the little French hat and the white face paint, they look like a fruity version of the crow who shopped at the gap, That's what a mime is. If the crow went gay and shopped at the gap, you got yourself a mime. Okay, so here's the mimes standing there, and we put them every 500 feet. I mean, let's face it, mimes do not get a lot of work. If you want to say, wow, what a loser career path, that idiot took, you're looking at mimes. Okay?

not a smart career choice. And if you want a raise, you can't even ask for one because you can't fucking talk. You're a mime. So you're boned. So you stand around making shapes and objects in mid-air. And you can't even ask for a raise, for Christ's sake, because you can't speak.

If you speak, then you're not good at your job, and you don't deserve a raise. Listen, sir, I'd like a raise. Did you just speak? Yes, I did. Well, you're not very good at what you do. Why would I give you a raise? Well, I figured I couldn't get one unless I said something.

Well, mimes aren't supposed to talk, are they? Well, no. Okay, so now I'm cutting your pay. Oh, Jesus Christ. I'm going to build myself a box and hide in it forever. At least I'll have lots of apples to eat. So here's what we do. We get these mimes who are always looking for a job.

It's probably thousands and thousands of mimes out of. work. And every 500 feet or every 200 feet, you just have a mime standing on the border doing the wall thing with their hands. You don't have to lay one brick. You don't have to dig one hole. You don't have to put up one drone. You've got a bunch of creepy mimes at the border. Is there anything? People say that clowns creep them out. How about mimes? So you've got miles and miles. You've got 3,000 miles of mimes. From the coast of California to the other side of Texas. They're out there in the sun, and hopefully they've got weatherproof mascara on.

And don't make any mistake, the Mexican people are religious. They believe in all that day of the dead stuff and all that crap. So you put a guy out in the middle of the desert with white face pain and black kiss eyes, and he's dressed like, you know, Robin Williams from Mork and Mindy. Holy shit. They're going to be like, Santa Maria. That's going to scare the living shit out of them. And not only that, they'll see all these mimes like doing the wall,

and they'll be like, what the hell's going on, man? Holy shit. Trump put up an invisible force shield. Holy shit. Run! You know, what scares you more than an invisible force shield, right? so there you go man there's your answer to the wall right there mimes baby thousands of them they they make a living finally they finally do something useful instead of standing in the park freaking people out looking like weirdos

we finally we finally corral them we give them a place to work we get them out of our faces and they do a mime wall. The illegals are freaked the F out. They don't dare cross that. And there you go. So there's my solution. Now, as far as Mr. Fuentes, I don't know what the hell he would do about...

What? Oh, no. No. No, what? Roger, why did you let him here? No, I was taught... There was a caller ask. I didn't ask for him.

Collared it. Oh, God. Hello, senor. Mr. Fuentes. Mr. Fuentes. I know. What are you doing here, Senor Fuentes? Senor Fuentes. I know your name. You work for me, okay? Why are you here? You're supposed to be back at the house, working in the yard. Well, senor, all this talk about the wall has got me all crazy, senor. Well, you know, it's something that's being done and it's been a debate for years. And yes, signor, but it's making me freeze in my tracks. I don't know what to do.

Well, what do you mean you don't know what to do? Everywhere I go, all this, wall that, it's driving me crazy, senor. Well, I mean, you know, what are you going to do? move to the north pole? Well, I won't move to the north pole, signor. Well, why not? Well, because there's walruses up there, signor. Well, what does that have to do with anything? Well, say it out loud, senor, walrus. I don't want to be around the walrus. A walrus is a big, fat mammal. It's not a wall. Well, it has the word wall in it, senor. It's a wall. It's a wall. It's a wall. Walrus, not a...

You just said it, senor. Walrus. See, I heard the word wall in there, senor. Oh my God, come on. Listen, I'm paying you to be at the house working. I know, senor, but I can't take your money anymore. What do you mean you can't take my money? Well, senor, I'm afraid to put your money where it's supposed to go.

What do you mean where it's supposed to go? in my wallet, signor. What is wrong with your wallet? Oh, you said it again. The wall word, senor. I said wallet. Wall. There it is, senor, wall.

I said your wallet. Oh, there it is again. Would you cut it out? Now, what the hell do you? What do you want to work inside the house or something? Oh, I could not work inside the house, signor. What do you mean? couldn't work and so what's wrong with the inside of my house well senor there's

wallpaper everywhere well wallpaper oh you said it again senor wallpaper is not a wall good lord well you don't have to wallow on it sir genior I'm not wallowing oh you just said it again what did I say you said wall oh senor oh my god what is the matter with you. Senor Fuentes, look, either work in the yard or just go home. I can't go home, senor. Why can't you go home? Because my kids are there, senor. Okay, what's wrong with your kids? Well, at night, I like to read them books before they go to bed, senor. Okay, and the problem is, their favorite book is where's Waldo, senor? Okay, where's. Where's? Where's? Where's

Waldo? There you said it again. I heard the word wall, senor. I said, where's Waldo? I think the wall is across the border in the south of Mexico, senor. I said, where's Waldo? Are you nuts? Walnut, seor? What do you mean, Walnuts? Oh, you just said it again. Walnut, senor. Listen, Fuentes. You're twisting my word. You're making me crazy. Now, are you going to get back to the yard? or not? Well, maybe it's better if I move. Okay, what do you mean move? You don't want to be in the United States anymore? No, maybe if I, you know, if all the, all the problems are at the southern wall, maybe I should move to the north, signor. Where are you going to move in the north? Oh, I don't know. What about Walla Walla, Washington, senor. Walla, Walla, Washington.

Oh, you just said it twice. Walla Walla, Signor. Would you cut it out? What the hell is the matter with you? And what do you wear? You're all sweaty and dirty. Go get some new clothes. Wear at Walmart, signor?

Cut it out. You're not going to make me say that. What, senor? Walmart. Oh, I just heard it again. Walmart. Up in Walla, Walla, Washington, where I can go inside of.

him buy some walnuts and a book called Where's Waldo, Signor? Then maybe I can go all the way to the far end of the universe and read it and eat it with a walrus, signor. Get the hell out of here, Fuentes.

It's just ridiculous. Get the hell out of here. Do you want me to go home and plant some flowers, Signor? Yes. Get out of here and go and plant some damn flowers. What kind of flowers? What kind of flowers. I don't know, daisies, roses, azaleas, wallflowers, seigneur, get out of here! Get out!

Wallflowers! Get out! God! The hell was that all about! Guy's so paranoid about the word wall, he's hearing it and everything. Now I'm hearing it and everything. Good Lord Got a headache What's wrong with that guy Thanks a lot for Roger For letting him come in I guess I should thank the phone caller

Even brought the whole concept up Senor Fuentes I should have known that guy would You know what, let's end the show I'm my head spinning Ridiculous And I was also wondering Do you think Senor Fuentes would get a little bent out of shit?

if you asked him to build a retaining wall. For the record, I will never ever ask him to build a retaining wall. Not after that episode. Good night, Nelly Fat Trotto. Lord. Let's get to some announcements. I just don't want to talk about this anymore. If you want to see me do my first stand-up comedy show of the year outside of Los Angeles,

I will be in Raleigh, North Carolina. Yes, coming up. Let's see, I think it's, what is it? It's next weekend, I think. January 24th through the 27th. January 24th through 27th. I'll be in Raleigh, North Carolina, at the Raleigh Improv. So that'll be a lot of fun.

I'm looking forward to that little treat. And then coming up in March, I'll be down in San Diego at the American Comedy Co? Oh my God, I love that club. It's such a fun club. It's such a great city. And I'm not even stroking you guys. I love San Diego, man.

It is just cool. One of my favorite spots is the Giradelli ice cream parlor. Oh, they got this delicious ice cream parlor right there in the downtown. Yum! So that's March 14th to the 16th. And if you want to find more stand-up comedy gigs for yours, truly go to harland williams.com, click on the stand-up tour page, and you'll be able to see where I'm performing.

You can re-order your tickets right there online, so you don't get disappointed if we sell out, which we often do. Also, while you're there, check out the store. A bunch of brand-new t-shirts. I hand-draw these t-shirts with Sharpies. I draw them right on the t-shirt. There's no duplicates. There's no doubles.

They're all one-of-a-kind in a world full of brand names and Prada and Dulce and Gabana and all that stuff. You know, it's nice to have something that's one-of-a-kind and original. And instead of going to an art gallery and just looking at art, with my t-shirt, you get to wear the art. How about that? And yes, you go to an art gallery and the arts hanging art. on a wall. I get it. Damn it. Also at harloughwilms.com you can write to me. There is a contact link or if you want to leave me a phone message like our previous callers.

323-739-4330. 323739-4330 is the info and love hearing from you guys. You know, look what happens. Sometimes you phone and it creates. a bit. I wasn't planning to have Mr. Fuentes in here, and then because of this phone call, it all happened. And I don't know if I'm super happy about it. My head still hurts. Also, don't forget to become a premium member for $20 a year. You can hear every single episode of the Harland Highway. We're almost at $1,000. For $20, that's a great deal, man. That's like paying $20 to go see like you know a thousand movies it's crazy um what else what else what else um let's see here oh uh get our app our wonderful app that is free uh you can get that at your app store um at uh you know in your cell phone

Just type in the Harland Highway, and you'll get the free up, and you can listen to the Harland Highway anywhere you go, say? That's the way it works, say? And I think that's it for now. It's going to be an interesting year, working on a bunch of new cool projects that I will tell you more about as they unfold. And I think that's it for today, man. We covered a lot of ground.

So, you know, be cool. Watch out, you don't walk into any walls. And until next time, chicken chameen, baby? Oh, I don't know. What about Walla Walla, Washington, signor!