The Harland Highway - 978 - Harland does some LIVE STAND UP COMEDY!

Episode Date: January 21, 2019

Due to some tech issues the Pod will be shorter this week, sorry, but enjoy the stand up COMEDY! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey there, pavement pounders. How y'all doing? So a little bit of bad news here this weekend. Having some technical difficulties with the recording equipment and I'm also on the road. So it's become a bit of a logistical nightmare for me to get a podcast laid out for you, cats. It happens now and then. I didn't want it to happen this soon in the brand new year. That's not good. but I don't want to leave you high and dry without nothing man so what I'm going to do is I'm going to give you a recording it's about 20 minutes long and it's one of my live stand-up shows and it actually talks about the new year the new year and working on being better in the new year so I will try and be

better and have this tech problem fixed. It might run into next week as well. I'm not sure I'm going to try, but it shouldn't be much longer than that. So at the very least, enjoy a shorter version of the Harland Highway with yours truly doing some live stand-up comedy right out of Hollywood. And I hope this gives you some laughs and tied you over until we're back up running at full capacity. All right. Thanks you groovesters. And until next time, chicken chow main, baby. What do you know my name? It's on the marriage certificate. I've never seen you before in all my life. Hold onto your airbag. You're heartless, heartless monsters. All of you threw it through. You're riding down the Harland Highway.

When you see a fallen stock, that means a witch has just died. You clumsy idiot? The Harland Highway. All I want is to hear people say something again or to see people moving again. I'm Floyd Bernie, a rockabilly boy. Don't you understand? You're listening to Harlan Williams. I can't be your daughter.

I'm a machine. Man, you've been dead a thousand years. Why, George, I think he's got it. You're riding down the Harland Highway with Harland Williams. Eh, what's up, Doc? Mr. If you're going to lose, you're going to lose right now. Don't leave me here! Man, if you could not eat fries, trying to do a shelf.

Yeah, if you could look away, I don't like your eyes. Nice little boots, huh? Snow boots? You must be from out of town. Where are you from, one of the fingers? Where? Florida. Florida! They weren't fucking Klondike boots. Not real good-look geography, I don't know. Well, we're leaving Florida. It's winter. Better get the fucking boots back. Who knows how it needs the light stuff will be.

in Mexico this time, you know. What part of Florida? Can't if you could smash your face on the table? What part of Florida are you from, sugar crumples? Miami. Holy popcorn. Like, you know where it is. I love Florida, man. What a place.

Don't you love Florida? You just look on the math of America. There it is. Florida dangling down like America's nuts at. Just tea-bagging Cuba all day there. You got that Southern charm. You love Southern. charm buddy when you're not rolling around naked in the hazelnut fields y'all you say that at

all crumple twinkled twinkles puff you say y'all i'm looking right the fuck at you y'all how you ever hear that little bite y'all huh you ever hear y'all how about you there Freddie Krueger hat. Y'all what a scam. The waitress can not walk through my hat. How are you, man? I say y'all. I'm great.

You say y'all? You think it's a scam? You're from Atlanta, so it's not a scam to you. To the rest of it, it's a scam. Let me explain. Y'all, think about it. Are you thinking about it? Because I can't hear you thinking about it. Y'all is just two words.

It's you and all, and they stuck them together to get y'all. First of all, Lazy. And second of all, you don't have to be Nancy Drew to figure out the little y'all mystery, okay? It's easy to do. I was in Tampa recently, crumple quackles. I'm standing at an ATM machine. Some impatient guy behind me, man goes, hey, why don't y'all hurry up? I turned around and I said, why don't y'all fall?

I don't want that fucking round right there. You ever spin your head around like an owl and puked out a loaf of garlic bread? You will, you will. So if you could take your arm off of her to interrupting my foot. I see you got a chocolate chip fun fun cookie, huh? Isn't that fun you like chocolate chip fun fun cookies? Aren't they fun? You ever put them on your eyes and pretend you're a yeast monster?

You will, you will. I like your headband, ma'am, isn't that fun? What's going on with that? I haven't seen one of those in a while. You have those down in Miami Terriaki Tonsal Teeth? I dig it. I dig it. It's cool. Maybe if you could laugh from the others here. Man, I slide my clip in the car door tonight.

They like heard, but it felt good at the same time. I agree. The ballet was like, what the fuck's going on? I said, dude, I just slammed my clip in the door. I got a long clip. You go to the bathroom and you forget to do up your fly? You don't know, you're a girl, right? Twaddle Bumbles?

You just got like a last look in your eyes. It was beautiful, it's beautiful. It's just mysterious. Is this your girlfriend, sir? Lucky for you, because not for long she would have been. Daddy's in town. How are you, and I see you got the striped shirt? Not fun?

What's your name, wild thing? Can I ask your name, ma'am? What's your name? Annie. You know what's coming next, right? What? Orphan or Michael Jackson. Orphan or Michael Jackson?

No, I was going to ask if you had a gun. Okay. So why don't you let me do my fucking show? Not the thing to be saying with someone with a gun. the gun. Like cup-filled platypus feet salad? You ever wake up at 3 in the morning until your ass crack full of colds up? You will. You will. You will.

That guy gets. Man, if you could not drink, trying to do a shop. Man, you could not drink one time for you to do a show. Sir if you can close your life and smell. 2019, gang, huh? Are we having fun? Are you excited, love? 2019. It's time to reflect on last year, huh? Remember last year? Did you have a good year last year? Oh, no. What's this? Why didn't you have a good year, bro?

Not enough pussy. So did you have a lot of cock then? I can see that would be a bad idea. Don't complain, I slammed my clit in the car door, right? You want to nibble on my clip, bro? It's swollen, like he's really, fucking triple the size because I slammed it in the car door, bro. Like, you could fill it.

your mouth with my clip. The thing about being human, and we're all human beings, set me in with this one here. We all bleed when we get cut, we all cry when we suck an onion all night. And what we find out about ourselves every year, we grow as we evolve as human beings lovebook. We find things about ourselves that we don't like, inevitably.

Ultimately, right now, anything happened to you last year that you realized I don't really like this about myself? Be honest, I'm being honest, it's your turn. Let's play. Anything? I'm not good on the spot. You're not good on the spot. Okay, that's very honest.

I put you on the spot, and you say, you weren't good on it, but guess what? You answered quickly, quietly, and efficiently, which tells me that you actually are really good on the spot. You were just like that. So what was really bad about you last year is that you discovered you're a liar. You're not good on the spot. That gentleman over there, pussyless Joe. He's not good on the G-spot. Because last year, he not getting up. But because I'm a compassionate man, I offered him my 10-pound, swollen, fluffed-up clip.

I don't know if you've ever seen the movie Tremors. Those big fucking worms that come up from under the earth. That's what my clit looks like, right? my clit looks like right now in his pants. You pull my clit out right now? Kevin Bacon is riding. I'm laughing. Won't you please join me? I like that these things are good on the spot. You're learning, right? Right, we grow. As human beings, we grow. We grow. We grow. We grow. We learn, right?

Something happened to me last year that I'm not proud of. I don't know what goes on in Miami. I don't live there. I don't party in power pound in Miami. I power pound here in Cala. Yeah. A power pound horror. A few days ago, I was feeling down.

You ever get depressed pro-suffi-ashi-o-o-shy-o-shy? Yeah, man, it happens. It happens, right? What was the last thing you were depressed about, Rochefayash? You lost my daughter. You lost your dog. Why do you have to depress everyone else?

You lost your dog, but you found it, so where did you find it? This will be fun. Check this out. In a neighbor's house in Miami. In a neighbor's house in Miami. Sir, if I could take care of the comedy. Maybe you just sit there and answer my fucked up cross street.

Get on cross wrong, sir. I got a little down, so I went for a ride. You ever go for a ride, a little butt, huh? Jump on your grandmother's back and ride to the fucking streams and do a drive-by with your shiny roasted laser game. Man, stop playing with your hair. So here's what I did. I got in my car and I drove up to the country to clear my head, right?

Daddy got in his car and he drove hot. Daddy drove hot through the night into the desert. Daddy drove hot into Palmdale. And just what daddy saw out there, a herd of cows, right? Daddy pulled over. Daddy walked up to the fence. Daddy saw those fucking cows. How many times are you going to let me say daddy?

I see these fucking cows, right? Innocent cows. We've all sucked on cow juice. Call it milk, whatever you want, it's a dirty cow juice. And I see these fucking cows, and I walk up to him, innocent. They didn't do anything to me, ma'am. Innocent. And I just started yelling at him, oh, you fat fucks.

You dirty fat, fat, I did it in Irish. You fat fucks, you dirty fat fucks, just standing in the fulkin field, eating a fulking grass, shitting all over the fucking place, skirt your fucking milk all over the place, you big fat folks. And in that moment, I realized about myself, and it was awful. It was horrible. I realized, holy shit, I'm lactose and tolerance.

Okay, not the kind of laugh I wanted. Not as big as I wanted. bigger laugh on that more fulfilling you know maybe I turn it around and you're not a good crowd and I was going to do some more jokes with my mighty out labia's all dry out is our next cat here it's the next wild cat here okay so it's happy New Year God bless each other on you thank you Thank you. I'm going to have a lot like Carl.

Johnny, Coconut, everybody. Woo! It's interesting. He's looking back a lot like Carl. Anybody. Enjoy. It's me. Okay.

What?