The Harland Highway - 980 - Dr. Ascot returns. SUPER BOWL breakdown. CRAZY news story and Harland PISSED OFF RANT!

Episode Date: February 4, 2019

Dr. Ascot returns. SUPER BOWL breakdown. CRAZY news story and Harland PISSED OFF RANT! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Oh, what a show, what a show, what a show. Welcome to the Harland Highway Lerdl Nurgens and Blederglitz schleggin. I'm Harlan Williams, your host, and you are rolling down the Harland Highway podcast, baby. What are we talking about today? Oh, the Super Bowl, man. If you haven't heard who won the Super Bowl tonight, I'm going to spill the beans for you, and I'm going to talk about it. I'm going to talk about the game.

Talk about the players, talk about the winners, the losers. And also, speaking of losers, Dr. Ascot drops by. My on-air therapist, who I hate, surprises me and drops in for another annoying therapy conversation freaking session thing. Also, a crazy news story. This one hurts, especially if you're a man or a boy. This one is going to make you squirm. in your seat, okay? Get ready for a crazy news story. And also, I go on a pissed off rant. There's something going on on TV, in the news, in the media that drives me around the bend,

and I can't take it anymore. So I'm having one of my pissed off sessions, okay? Also, we're going to take a few phone calls from the pavement founders. It's going to be a blast. It always is. Put your helmet on. This is the heart. Highway. What do you know my name? It's on the marriage certificate. I've never seen you before in all my life. Hold onto your airbag.

You're heartless, heartless monsters. All of you threw it through. You're riding down the Harland Highway. Oh yeah! When you see a fallen stock, that means a witch has just died. You clumsy idiot? idiot. The Harland Highway. Oh, I want is to hear people say something again

and to see people moving again. I'm Floyd Bernie, the rockabilly boy. Don't you understand? You're listening to Harlan Williams. I can't be your daughter. I'm a machine. Man, you've been dead a thousand years. My George, I think he's got it.

You're riding down the Harland Highway with Harlan Williams. What's up, Doc? You're going to lose right now. Don't leave me here! Oh, hello, everybody. Well, we're kind of back up online here, finally. I had a couple of weeks where one week my system was just like a mess, and I couldn't record.

And then last week's podcast, I actually had a buddy who asked me to be on his podcast, my friend Aaron. and because my equipment was still down, I said, well, hey, why don't I do your podcast? And then you can be on mine and we'll record on your system. And so we were able to record on his system and he was able to send me an MP3

and I was able to download the whole podcast. That's why last week was a bit of a different format. It was more of an interview show. But I didn't want to leave you guys hanging with nothing. I mean, well, what are you going to do? all week just walking around without Harland Highway in your head. Just nothing. You'd be like zombies from the walking dead just bumping into walls

and going through revolving doors over and over and peeing on fire hydrants. I don't know what you freaks do. So, but now we're back in the studio. Our tech problems are resolved and we're back and up and running. And today's podcast will be. well I don't know if you could ever call any of the podcast normal but it will be as normal as you want it to be

and I think we have to start the show with a crazy news story just to get back in the saddle get things back to where they should be Roger can we start the show with a crazy news story okay Roger is giving me the thumbs up hit the theme music let's do it man The Harland Highway Crazy news stories That's weird

That's strange stuff Oh, I don't even know if I want to read this one Roger This one, this one hurts just reading it out loud But read it we must It's a crazy news story And that's what we bring you here Crazy news stories

You're ready for this headline Pavement Pounders Oh, oh, oh, G. Oh, Charles Nelson. Here it is. Man claims he heard penis snap during traumatic injury.

Man claims he heard penis snap during traumatic injury. Oh, my God. What the hell? We got to read this. I mean, I'm already grimacing. A man's traumatic sense. sex injury is getting the viral treatment after he claims he broke his penis during

intercourse and even heard it snap. Oh, oh, oh, oh, remember there's no bones in a penis, okay? If you have a bone in your penis, you're from another planet.

Now, there can be a bone-er, which is a slang term for erection, but just so we're clear, anatomically, bone. There is no penis bone. Okay? It's all just flesh and tissue and blood vessels and all that other stuff. Sean Marsden of England shared pictures of his alleged injury and said his organ quickly swelled to the size of a wine bottle. Now wait a minute. Guys, hold on, hold on.

Right away most of the guys went. Holy God, that's huge. How can I snap? My penis. I want a giant peat. No. No, no, no, no. Stick with Viagra. Stick with creams. Stick with whatever. Do not snap your penis. Okay? It's swelling because it's damaged. This gentleman quotes, I heard it snap. And he's English, right? I heard it snap. And I said to Luis straight away that something was wrong. I love how he just tells us her name's Louise like we all know her. Yeah, listen, I heard it snap and I said to Louise straight away that something was wrong. I grabbed hold of it and it just grew and grew. I didn't think it was going to stop. This is a quote from this guy.

I grabbed hold of it and it just grew and grew. I didn't think it was going to stop. Oh, my God. I guess if it didn't hurt so much, that's exactly what you want as a man and I think that's exactly what a woman wants too oh Jesus

it just grows and grows it's like jack in the beanstalk did somebody throw some magic beans down your underpants just grow grow grow oh my um Louise quickly dialed paramedics who took him to royal shrewsbury

hospital where is that in a hundred acre Woods. Hello, I'm Dr. Winnie the Pooh. Can I see a wine bottle-sized penis, please? Doctors allegedly diagnosed the painter with a penile fracture, and they performed an emergency procedure to repair his urethra. Aretha Franklin. So this is a, this is a, This is a injury that happens where if you're going at it too aggressively or too fast or your woman like grinds on you too aggressively or she bends it while it's inside of her too far to one direction, northeast, south or west, like you can snap the peanuts.

You can kind of put so much pressure on it that it kind of bends. And it's like a garden hose. You know, when you kind of like bend a garden hose and it puts a kink in the garden hose, that's kind of what happens to the penis. It folds. It snaps. And the snapping noise comes from, you know, all the tissue and all the tubes and all. Oh, God.

Oh, oh, oh. Here we go. According to the Mayo Clinic, penis fractures are rare, but it can happen. If an erect penis is bent suddenly or forcefully, it can rupture the lining of one of two cylinders in the penis resulting in a fracture. Many patients hear a cracking sound. God, it's like chopping down a tree.

Experience dark bruising and immediate loss of erection. It most commonly occurs during intercourse. If left untreated, a penis fracture may result in deformity or erectile dysfunction. I've been right on the edge of this, okay? Just FYI, maybe too much FYI. I've been right on the edge of this where I've had some, you know, some wild rides, and the little lady is like really riding the Bronco hard,

and I've felt it like go right to the edge of like, whoa. If she had gone just a little further, I would have heard that famous snap. I think a lot of guys have been right at the edge of the snap. And I actually have a buddy who told me that it happened to him. He did have his penis break or whatever the hell it is. So you ladies out there, like, I know you just think it's like, you know, a phallus, and it's just like, oh, it's rubbery, and it's, flimsy, but it's not like a sex toy.

It's not like a dildo, okay? Pardon my French. You can't just bend it around and snap it down and tie it and knot and wrap it around the refrigerator and put it under the couch and shove it in the ceiling fan. No, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no. You got to be a little careful with it. You got to ride it, but don't ride it too hard. Okay, it may be a fucking bronco, but it ain't a raging bull, okay? So let's see what else this gentleman says. I'll do the English accent just to keep it going.

He says, the pain was off the scale. The pain was off the scale, Marsden said, who said he slipped during intercourse. Okay, well, maybe sometimes it's the dude, right? Yeah, you can be going at it and you slip or you fall. Or you, you know, a guy could like, you know, bend the wrong way. And I'm not saying it's always the woman that causes the breaking of the penis, but it can be the dude, too. But at least a dude kind of knows when to stop.

But if a woman's kind of in control and she's kind of riding the gear shift, just remember, like, don't grind the gears, all right? he says it was really excruciating the pain came in waves I could actually see where the penis had broke and snapped I knew then that I had to go to the hospital yep you got to go to the hospital bro you got a broken penis you better get to the emergency penis ward uh Marsden was allegedly released from the hospital the next day with instructions to avoid intercourse for several weeks and to give a date to return and have a

catheter and a temporary ureith tube removed oh eish yeah that's when it's uh that's when it's really severe when they got to start putting like you know plastic parts and rubber tubes up inside you that's a really bad penis break i mean you need a you need a you need a You need a freaking cast on that penis. You need to put that penis in an iron lung or shove it in a toaster or something, man. So look, we hope Mr. Marston's all right. We hope his penis gets back into place.

We hope it's not deformed or misaligned or anything. And hopefully he's doing a good old-fashioned Chessire County Power Slam before you bloody know it, eh? So there you go. Word to the wise. Gentlemen, don't be too aggressive, ladies. Don't be too aggressive. It's called make love, not make break. Snap! Hey everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes, yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority.

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Oh, boy, here we go. Here it is, a Harland Highway newsbreak. Yes, if you're living in a cave, if you're living in the dark ages, the New England Patriots just won. They're six Super Bowl. Tom Brady won his six Super Bowl. Can you believe it?

They beat the Los Angeles Rams, who I said in a tweet before the game, I said, how do the Patriots not beat a team that has a logo of curly fries on the side of their helmets? Have you seen the side of their helmets? I know that it's supposed to be Rams horns, but to me it looks like curly fries, and so I can't take them seriously. Now, I live in Los Angeles, so this was one of those games who was kind of a win-win for me because I wanted the Patriots to win. but I also thought well if they lose my hometown wins

and the reason why I wanted the Patriots to win is because I just love Tom Brady man I know a lot of people are like screw that guy I don't know why I just don't get why people vilify and dislike people that are really good at what they do Tom Brady is good at what he does Michael Jordan was good at what he does Wayne Gretzky was good at what he did

People don't have statistics that go through the roof unless they're amazing at what they do. And these people with these statistics are only with us for a short time, maybe 10, 20 years if we're lucky. And so to see these kinds of superstar athletes that you probably won't see come along in a long, long, long, long time, you've got to enjoy them, man. I mean, I'm not telling you what to think, but I just love people that are so good that they excel at things and they are superior. They seem to be above the fray of everyone else who is already at an elevated level of excellence. Like Tom Brady just, the guy knows what to do, when to do it, how to do it. He doesn't crumble under pressure.

In fact, sometimes the pressure seems to bring the game out in him. and I just find it a beautiful thing to watch. It's like, okay, I can watch a one-off, you know, quarterback. I can watch Joe Schmo win a Super Bowl. Good for him. I bet he doesn't win two in his lifetime. And if he wins two, I bet he doesn't win six. You know what I mean?

So the more a guy wins, the more he rivets me, the more he captivates me, the more I want to see him just go and go and go. Because it's just, it's amazing. but the reason I said it's a win-win for me because even if the Patriots didn't win the Rams would have won and that's my home team I live in Los Angeles

but that being said it's not really my home team because I'm from Toronto Canada so that's why I wasn't that worried about you know the Rams winning now if it was

was the Toronto Canada Rams. I wouldn't have even thought about screw everything I just said about Brady, okay? I would have been screw if I don't care how good he is. I want my home team to win. But since Los Angeles is kind of my second home, I wasn't that worried. But then if they won, I would have been happy.

And when they didn't win, I wasn't fazed. So it was kind of a neat position to be in for me, right? But man, what a great game. What a nail-biter. I mean, it was 3-3 right up towards the end. I mean, it was such a low-scoring game. It was all about the defense and the blocking and, oh, my God. And they were both worthy teams.

The score was very close. It was only like a few points difference. And so my hat's off to all of them, the L.A. Rams and the Patriots, you know. And Brady claims that at 40 years, old and six Super Bowls, he's not retiring. I heard that he wants to go to least 45. Can you imagine if this guy wins

five more Super Bowls or you know, outside of winning the Super Bowl all those times? He's taking his team to the Super Bowl like I don't know, 10, 11 times or 14th something crazy. Like, you know,

even though you don't win the Super Bowl just to beat all the other teams in the season who are incredible and make it to the Super Bowl. If you're one of the final two teams in the Super Bowl, that's huge on its own. So Brady's been there, done that, like more than he's even won the Super Bowl.

So it's just a great thing to see. I was super happy he won. I actually think he's a cool guy. I like him. And I think I've told this story before, but I'll repeat it real quick. There was once a time when I was on an airplane. and I was in the second row from the front.

I was up in first class, and there was someone in the seats in front of me, the very first seat, and I was right behind them, and I realized it was Tom Brady and his father. And at a number of times during the flight, Tom Brady put his hands over the back of his chair to kind of stretch his arms. And so I was looking right at his giant hands,

and he had a Super Bowl ring, on one of his fingers. And so there I was alone with Tom Brady's hands. How many women wish they could say that? Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Yeah, that's got to be worth a snapped penis. Imagine if they, when they snap the ball, they, you know, in football when they snapped the ball?

Imagine if the guy snapped the ball so hard he snapped his penis. All right, I'm getting carried away. But anyways, there were Tom Brady's giant hands right in front of me, and it was just kind of cool. And what I also witnessed was Tom, you know, because it was a long flight, I witnessed Tom and the connection he had to his father. And I thought it was really cool because, you know, they're both grown, man.

The father was older. But you could just tell the way they carried themselves, the way the father carried himself. You know, there was just a, there was a sense of regalness about them. I'm not trying to glorify them in any way. But this was away from the way. the sports this was kind of just you know me being able to look in on them when there's no media around there's no one around and i could see they were very chummy and they were like they were

friends and i can tell that the the father had an aura of respect for his son like imagine being a father and you're the son that you gave birth to is this this megastar champion athlete i mean how do you contain the pride, right? And then you could tell likewise, and this was just my observation, I could tell that Tom, likewise, had a real adoration for his dad. And there was a real, you know, kind of chummy repertoire between them back and forth. They were kind of like buddies, but you could kind of sense that father and son love, you know? And it was just really nice. Like I got the sense that they were good people, a good strong family. a good bond, a good healthy, you know, respect and love and caring.

And they were just like, they're just like father and son, but pals as well. And I think that's what every kid looks for from their father, whether you're a female or a male. You just, you wish you could have that really special bond with your dad and your mom. But in this case, I could just feel it. I can see it. It was palatable, as they say, you know? And so that made me kind of like the guy even more. I was kind of like a fly on the wall between him and his father,

and I got to see them when, you know, they weren't in the limelight. And that says a lot about a personality when they're just in their own private time. And I wasn't being noisy, but they were right there like, you know, through the seat. You know, there's that crack in the seats, and I could hear them talking. And I saw them when they got up to go to the bathroom and their patter. and it was just really nice. It was refreshing and warm, and it made me like the guy even more.

It made me like his father. And the only regret I have is I'm kind of a humble guy, you know, and I never bug other celebrities. And so I never said hi to him. I just kind of hid behind him, and I didn't tap him and introduce myself. And to this day, I wish I did, you know, because he is a special guy.

He's a, you know, you could make the argument, oh, what's so special? He throws a ball around for $60 million. He throws a ball. And yeah, there's that argument. Like, it's not like he's Jesus and he walks across water and heals the sick. But in the confinement of our society that we've created, the walls and the windows and the buildings and the sports and the corporations, and he's a special guy. so anyways congratulations to the patriots another game well won and you could see the passion and tom brady every time they scored he was like punching the air and he was he was growling into

the sky and there was the fury of competition in his eyes like you know this is a guy that's proven his point right he doesn't really need a lot of guys it's like once they get to the pinnacle it's like oh i won the oscar oh i got the gold record oh i won the gold record oh i won won the Olympic medal. Oh, I won the Super Bowl. But, man, this guy has the fire in him like it still burns like it's his first Super Bowl. And I like that, too. I like a guy who's sincere with sincere passion and hunger and just as a love and an energy and a craving for winning and for the game. And that's just beautiful, man. That's a great approach to life, you know. And if you can be a good person on top of it. I think that's what makes you an all-round champion.

Statistics on their own make you a champion statistically. But when you're a good, well-rounded person, giving, caring, generous, try to be a good person. I think that's the ultimate rounding out of a true champion. So good for you, Patriots. Good for you, Tom Brady. For those of that hate the Patriots. I guess I'm sorry you lost. But overriding my sorriness is my glee that they won. So way to go, Pates. And you know what? I'll say it right now. I hope they do it again next year. I hope they do it until he retires. I'd like to see the sports phenomenon totem pole just climb and climb and climb. Awesome. Way to go. Patriots.

Okay, so that was some good news That was the upside of the day But Roger, can we do a pissed off segment? Yeah, I got something that's been irking me And I want to get it off my chest Can we, can we, let's do it, let's do a Harlan's pissed off segment I can't hold on to this anger any longer, roll it, Roger Don't piss me off

This is Harland Williams You're really pissing me off Oh, you're starting to piss me off, you little pigless son, bitch. You pissed me off. Shut up, you're pissing me off. These fucking assholes, this fuck... These fucking assholes! The fuck is their problem, man!

Okay. So, just so you know, I'm going to talk a little. politics here, but it's not about a party. It's not about a candidate. It's not about Trump. It's not about Hillary. It's not about Bernie. It's not about Kamala Harris. It's not about a party. It's about all of them. Okay? So nobody has to get their panty and a twist. Here's what's driving me nuts right now with all these politicians, Democrat, Republican, Independent, whatever you are. I cannot take one more of these idiots, okay? And we have a lydney of problems that have been lingering and festering

way longer than they should have. Stuff that came up 25, 30, 40, 50 years ago that none of them ever want to resolve. But now the new go-to golden catchphrase is, we have to have a conversation about this. Yes, I really think we need to have a conversation about this. There needs to be more conversation about this. There's a much bigger conversation that needs to happen.

Does this change the conversation? I mean, it sparks very difficult conversations. This has to be a much bigger conversation. Okay, if I hear one more asshole say that, I'm going to freak. It's the most pretentious, obnoxious, scared. way of backing out of something of not addressing something of not facing something head on of not dealing with something of not taking action on something it's just a giant side step well if we need a much bigger conversation about what you don't understand what health care is you don't understand

what a legal immigration is you don't understand what gun control control is, you don't understand what poverty is, you don't understand what racism is, you don't understand what food stamps are, you don't understand what foreign affairs are, shut the F up. Well, we have to have a nice conversation. There has to be more conversation. Like, no, we don't hire politicians to sit around and have conversations. A conversation is people talking and going, well, that was a great talk, I'll see you tomorrow.

We're paying you to sit down and find fucking answers and write up bills and write up laws and write up legislation and get shit done. Well, let's have it. It's a very tough conversation. Yeah, well, stop all the fucking talking and do something about it, you morons. It's such a diversionary word.

It's such a way to sidestep. things and say, well, we know it exists, we're not going to do anything, but let's pretend we're doing something about it by talking about it. And when these conversations go on for 20, 30, 40, 50 years, whether it's building a wall or fixing Medicare or fixing immigration or fixing foreign policy or health care or whatever it is, I mean, let me ask you this. If you live in a house and you have a problem, there's a water leak in your house. Your heating goes down. Your air conditioning goes down.

Somebody's parking in your parking spot in the underground condo. Your neighbors are making noise till 2 in the morning every night. Do you sit around and have a conversation? Oh, my God. Do you hear all the noise next door that's been keeping me awake for four weeks and I've got insomnia? Do you see the water spurting out of the wall? and we're sitting in four inches of water in the living room? Does that asshole downstairs who doesn't let you park in your spot?

Let's talk about that. But can we talk about it for 42 years? No, you don't have a conversation as there's a fucking leak in my wall. Does anyone know a plumber's phone number? You do? Great, I'm calling. Let's get it fixed. Boom, boom, boom, boom.

It's fixed within six hours. plumber at your door, the wall's been pulled open, the pipe has been welded and soldered, the water has stopped, there's no more need for conversation, there's like, great job, thank you, hope I don't see you in a while, because my problem is fixed. But these asswads that not only say we should have a conversation because they, A, they don't know how to address and deal with the problems, they're under-qualification. They're non-committal. They're wishy-washy. They don't want to find the answers. And so they use this word, you know, conversation as a cheap decoy and a way to deflect from the problem. But by using such a fancy, sophisticated word that isn't that sophisticated, by the way, it makes them appear like they're addressing it and they're attending to the problem. it's the biggest con job it's the it's the biggest bullshit and on the other side of it

it's the fear it's the fear of the of the the the talking heads on the news who are afraid to say anything overly sensitive about race or sexuality or politics or hatred or divisiveness in the world they're afraid to to say things head on so they throw around the word conversation because that kind of encapsulates everything. It kind of puts a warm blanket around everything. And so these frightened, scared people that are afraid to call anybody out or call things for what they are or just go, you know, no, we don't need a conversation, you dildo. We need to fix it and we need to fix it yesterday. There's no more time for conversations. Conversations don't last 40 years.

Your conversation time has run out. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. You want a conversation, go to Starbucks, buy a fucking maco-lato chaco fucking grande. Go sit in a fucking mahogany and leather chair in the corner with some dip shit that doesn't know what they're doing and talk their fucking ear off. But how about in the meantime we get someone

who doesn't want to have a conversation and just knows what they're doing and fixes the fucking problem. Enough with this conversation shit. Here's my conversation. It's really short. Fuck you. Get off your ass.

Fix the problems. That's what we fucking elected you for. Get to work, you lazy fucking, no good for nothing, pricks. End of conversation. Lasted about 12 seconds, was probably only about 17. words, done, done, and done. Fuck you.

There's your conversation, right? Am I right, guys? Have we had enough? And as I said at the beginning, it's the Dems, it's the Indies, it's the Republicans, it's every damn freaking politician and talking head on TV you've ever seen. Whether you like them or hate them, they're all in the same freaking conversation basket. it. All right, got that out of my system. This is just the beginning of this conversation. Does the conversation need to be changed?

Yeah, it needs to be changed. Stop talking and go do something, you morons. And that's the end of my Harlan's pissed off rant. I enjoyed it. Won't you please join me? Hello? Hello? Hey, I'm.

I just want to call and say that I'm a huge fan of yours I've been calling you for the last I'll say four months now anyways I'm a Diamond Lane member of the pavement founders now listen to episode 698 and I heard somebody say you had safe comedy very an edgy

comedian, love you you say stuff that I would not ever say so if that's a way of saying edgy so be it but you're not a safe comedian you just wanted to say that because you kind of sound like I would take me as an insult too

But you are not a safe comedian. Great, great, great comedian. And I'm planning to see you at a club soon. So, again, thanks for all you do. You're getting into my day. Thank you again. Bye. Well, thank you, good, sir.

Thank you. I appreciate that. It's funny because I don't really think about whether I'm edgy or not edgy. I just try to think about being funny. and I guess some of the stuff I do is maybe it's edgy if you're making me think about it. I try to do stuff that's fresh and original and I guess some of it is edgy because I'm pushing the envelope a bit or I'm exploring areas that are maybe controversial or just crazy. They're like, who would say something like that?

You know what I mean? So I definitely don't mind the term edgy And I do take that as a compliment I'm definitely not a safe comedian And if you ever see me live You will understand that Because I take so many chances up on stage Probably more than the average comedian does

And I'm not saying that to be boastful or anything But that's part of why I do comedy When I go up there, man, I try to throw stuff out there that is scary and innovative and unexplored and frightening to myself. And to me, that's the edgy comedy that I do. It's the stuff where I go up there and I don't really know where I'm going with it. And it kind of builds itself as I go along. And to me, that's always edgier than swearing or saying something dirty or talking about a taboo. subject like you know and anyone can really talk about any old topic and oh i'm going to do a

routine about abortion or i'm going to do a routine about anal sex or i'm going to do a routine about you know screwing my mother you know okay it's edgy to say it but to me edgy is to go on stage and and like try styles and try approaches and try techniques that are that nobody's done or that they're they're not traditional and they're so anyways when you come and see me do live stand up hopefully i'll be doing that and i'm in the zone i don't do that every single show but a lot of time i do do it and uh so that's edgy to me but i'm glad you think i'm edgy thank you very much i try to keep it fresh man i try to keep it fresh so i really appreciate the compliment uh i appreciate you uh saying those

kind words to me and I love it. Made my day. Thank you very much. Let's take another call, Roger. Hello, Island. Hey, it's Brent from Arizona. Yeah, I just wanted to call and give you some love player. I haven't laughed

as hard as when Campfire Timmy sings lily pads. So ridiculous. Hey, we need to get bullied George. together with Camp Fire Timmy and record the song Lily Puds. That's clutch, my friend.

Later, chicken chameen. Hey, I think you said Murph from Arizona. So I'll go with Murph. That's a cool name. If it's not your name, I apologize, but it sounded like you said, Hey, it's Murph from Arizona. Hey, it's Brent from Arizona. Or maybe even Murph from Arizona.

Hey, it's Brent from Arizona. Or something. Murr, Murf, me, me, meh, something. I hope I'm in the wheelhouse, but dude, thank you for another kind call. And, yeah, Campfire Timmy is just ridiculous. And to hear you cracking up over the lily pad song, like, over the years, this the dummy, this kid, this campfire Timmy who comes in and plays campfires. This guy sung about Will of the Whips and Dragonflies at night.

and lily pads and sunsets and canoe paddles and oh my god this the the the friggin stupid songs that this idiot has sung i i see why you're laughing they are just pathetic and ridiculous and the con the idea of of campfire timmy and a duet with boy george i don't know if we can ever roger i don't know if we can ever make that happen, but that would either make me puke, or I would laugh so hard I would puke. So Roger's kind of giving me the thumbs up that maybe

one day we can make that work out. I don't know. I'm scared. I hate Campfire Timmy. Boy, George, I like, but he's a little over the hill. He's hammered a lot. He calls the show, and he's kind of like,

you know, ripped five ways to Sunday on booze, and It's hard to talk to them, but either way, maybe it'll be, it'll happen. So thank you, uh, Murph from Arizona. Hey, it's Green from Arizona. And I'm glad I'm making you laugh out there and Campfire Timmy's making you laugh. And, uh, thank you, brother. And do we have time for one more call, Rodge?

Okay, one more and let's do it. Hey, I don't know if I made sense again. Sorry, I don't know if I made sense last time if I didn't. I apologize. I was fairly nervous talking, mostly because you're probably hearing this. So, again, just want to think you're a great comedian. I took it as an insult for you. What the guy said, that's why I felt the need to call on it.

I don't say protect you, but send my part in. Yeah. So also, Dr. Ascot, love them, would like to see a lot more of them if you can. Thank you again. Bye. Hello, Alland. What the hell? Dr. Ascott?

Holland. What? What the hell are you? you doing here? Holland, don't act so startled, Holland. I am your therapist. Yes, I know you're my there, but I appreciate it if you knock.

I'm here at my console. I hear your voice, I turn around, and there you are in your, whatever this blazer is. Like, what is that, baby blue? Holland. Well, what is it? It looks like a baby blue blazer. That's right, Holland.

Well, who wears that? You look like a, like a referee at a field hockey game or something. Oh, and stop saying my name, would you? Holland. Stop saying my name, ask Scott. And what's with the loafers and the ruby red apple socks? Holland, we're not here to talk about my fashion. Well, someone should talk about it.

You look like a child perv. Holland. What do you want? I'm here for your therapy session, Holland. Well, no guff. What are we talking about today? Well, I heard earlier, Holland, that you were rather upset during your pissed-off session. Yes, my pissed-off session about the freaking politician.

and let's have a conversation about this, and let's have a conversation about that. It's driving me nuts. Well, why don't we talk about it, Holland? Okay, well, it's just, it's, it, like I said in my piece, I feel like it's an excuse, it's a way out, and it just gets me all fired up.

Interesting, Arland. Keep going, Holland. Well, I think I've said it all. You know, I've said something about it. What do you have to say about it? Well, Holland, I think we both have things to say about it, Holland. Yes? So I believe we're...

Yes? Having a conversation about it, Holland. Wait, what? You and I are having a conversation, Holland. What are we having a conversation about? About conversations. Now, wait a minute. I just told you I don't want to hear that term anymore.

Now, I tell you I don't like conversations and now you come in here and you tell me we're having a conversation about conversations? Keep talking, Arland. I just said what I had to say. Well, if you're talking about it and I'm talking. talking about it. What are we talking about? Conversations. So? So what we're doing, Arland, is having a conversation about conversations. I don't... No! I am not having conversation... I just told you I don't... I don't like that word, and I don't want to have a conversation about it.

But by us talking back and forth about conversations, Holland, we are in In fact, having a conversation about conversations. Would you please continue the conversation? No! What are you... I see what you're doing here, Ascot. Now, you're pissing me off. You're rubbing me the wrong way.

I'm not gonna sit here and have a conversation... About conversations, Holland? No! I'm not talking to you until you change the topic. Holland. No, change the topic. topic. Well, would you like me to change the topic, too, Arland? Anything but conversations. I don't care. Daisies, cows,

motor cars, anything. All right, Arlen, let's talk about cows. Good. Okay. What about them? Well, you tell me, Holland, you picked the topic. What about cows, Holland? I don't know. They live out in the fields. They eat grass. and we get milk from cows? Yes, excellent, Holland. I've enjoyed cows my whole life. I actually lived on a farm for a little while. Okay.

So what is this resolving? Well, Holland, we're no longer having a conversation about conversations. Good. We're having a conversation about cows. Wait, what? We're having a conversation. about cows, Holland.

I said I don't want a conversation. You changed the topic, not me, Holland. Wait, are we still having a conversation? Holland, if you're talking about a topic and I'm talking about a topic, we're having a conversation,

Holland. Get out of here. I don't... You're going to turn everything into a conversation. I want you out of here. Let's have a conversation about me getting out of here, Holland? No, just stand up in your Ruby-Rand freak socks and your child perp field hockey blue blazer

and get your turkey jive ass out the door, Ascot. Holland? Get out the door. Let me ask you this before I leave, Holland. What? Do you have a mail slot in your door, Holland? Of course I do. Well, maybe once I get on the other side of it, I can slide it open and we can have a conversation through the mail slot.

Get out of here, Ascot, you freak. God! Arland? Out! Holland. Get out, you freak! Can we converse about it first, Arland? Get out!

God! What a giant freaked-out dildo that idiot is. Conversation. After I went on that whole rant, I hate that turn, and that guy draws me in like a moron. Good Christ on a Christmas tree. You know what, Roger, I'm ending the show right here. You should have told me he was coming in.

I just hate turning around and seeing how freaky he looks, and God, he's a freak. Anyways, let's do some announcements real quick. If you lived out in the Texas area, in and around Austin, Texas, I'm going to be doing a stand-up comedy show one night only, February, Saturday the 16th, at the Horseshoe Resort, just outside of Austin, Texas, stunning resort. They're having a comedy festival there that weekend, and I'm doing the Saturday night headlining. Saturday night, February 16th, the Horseshoe Resort, one night only, one show only.

It's going to be great. And then February 23rd, one night only, I'll be in El Ray, California, which is just north of Sacramento, at Chico, California. And it's the L. Ray Theater, one night at the L. Ray Theater in Chico, California. a beautiful little town just north of Sacramento. Sacramento, bro, California. So two cool one-night concert shows coming up. Gonna be a blast, baby.

And if you want to check my website for other stand-up comedy shows, go to Harlan Williams.com and check it out, baby. And you can get tickets for all my shows at Harlan Williams. also while you're there check out our store we have all kinds of groovy merchandise there's a bunch of new hand-drawn t-shirts that I personally draw right on the t-shirt with sharpy permanent markers so you're basically wearing a one-of-a-kind harland original piece of artwork um they sell pretty fast once I put them up uh there's a few brand new ones up there you might want to get them before someone else does but uh

Take a look around. We have CDs, DVDs, other T-shirts, all kinds of stuff. Music, you name it, it's all there, baby. Also, if you want to become a premium member, it's only $20 to get all the archived episodes of the Harland Highway. $20, almost 1,000 episodes, folks. This is 980. Can you believe it? So we're 20 away from a thousand episodes of the Harland Highway. So for 20 bucks, you can get all of them, become a premium member.

Also, you can do that through the app, the free app. The app is free. Just go into your cell phone to the App Store. Type in the Harland Highway podcast, and you will get the free app. The free app gives you the 50 latest episodes of the podcast for free. and then if you want the whole shebang, you can get it for 20 bucks. Plus every now and then I will post bonus stuff just for the premium members. So that's super cool.

If you want to write to me, you can write to me. You can write me an email at Harlanwiliams.com. We might read it on the air. Or if you want to leave a phone message the way these other callers did, these brilliant pavement pounders, The number is 323739 4330, 323739 4330, and that number is on the website. Thanks for all the kind phone calls, the wonderful compliments. I'm glad you guys are enjoying the show and it's making you laugh, bringing some joy into your lives.

That's what it's all about, baby. So that's it for today, everybody. Thank you for being here. let's not have any more conversation about it let's just end off the show with a smile don't snap your penis and until next time chicken chameen baby we're having a conversation about cows on wood

Thank you.