The Harland Highway - 981 - AUNT RUTHY and the Grammy's. Reality TV. Crimes with fresh meat!

Episode Date: February 11, 2019

AUNT RUTHY and the Grammy's. Reality TV. Crimes with fresh meat! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

It's the Harland Highway. That's what it is. Yeah. Oh, new song there. Hey, this is Harlan Williams. You're listening to the Harland Highway podcast. Welcome to the show. A lot going on today on today's podcast.

Oh, my God. Crazy news story. Okay, crazy news story that involves fresh meat. let's leave it at that you're going to like that also one of the pavement pounders called in or a couple of them did and they asked me all about reality TV if I'd ever be interested in doing it if I watched my buddy Tom Green on celebrity Big Brother and so we're going to get into that and I'll let you know my point of view on that there also some phone calls from the pavement pounders, and later in the show, Aunt Ruthie apparently has called, if you're not aware, the Emmys happened tonight, or the Grammys or something, and Aunt Ruthie left a voicemail. I guess she watched the Grammys, and she wants to tell us what she thought. And then towards the end of the show, a little bit of a sad announcement, you're not going to be happy with it.

Very sad. It's the last part of the show. So stick around. This is the Harland Highway. How do you know my name? It's on the marriage certificate. I've never seen you before in all my life. Hold on to your airbag.

You're heartless, heartless monsters. All of you through and through. You're riding down the Harland Highway. Oh, yeah! When you see a fallen stock, that means a witch has just died. You clumsy idiot? The Harland Highway. All I want is to hear people say something again or to see people moving again.

I'm Floyd Bernie, a rockabilly boy. Don't you understand? You're listening to Harlan Williams. I can't be your daughter. I'm a machine. Man, you've been dead a thousand years. My George, I think he's got it. You're riding down the Harland Highway with Harlan Williams.

Eh, what's up, Doc? Mr. If you're going to lose, you're going to lose right now. Don't leave me here! Hello? Hello? Well, now it's time for our segment called phoning it in with Harland Williams. I'm Podgai. And I'm Podgall.

And hey, we're the Podgapel podcast. And hey, guess what? I have a question for Harland. Well, go ahead. Ask him. He's on the show. Hey, Harland. I'm wondering, are you watching a Celebrity Big Brother, too? Why are you asking him a crazy question like that? Because it's actually not crazy, number one, and number two. How many numbers are there?

I think there's two. Okay, great. I'm glad we're numbering that so we can keep track. So, Harland, I don't know whether you're watching, but you should be because your buddy Tom Green is on. And I'd love to know how you feel about his play, what he's doing well, what he should be. doing differently. And the other thing is, I'm wondering if you would ever like to be on a reality TV show. Yeah, well, that's our segment called phoning in it with Harland Williams. I'm Pod Guy. I'm Podgal. And we're the Pod Couple. Bye.

Well, there they are. The Pod Couple. Just a random couple of groovy podcasters that phone and leave me voicemails from time to time. And you know what? I actually like them. I like the sound of their voice. I like their chemistry. I like their banter. Just something about them puts a smile on my face. And so that's why I engage with them. I wouldn't be doing it if I didn't find them pleasant. So I'm replying to the pod couple. I've done it before a few times. And they seem like sweet, nice people. And so they asked me a very timely question. about Big Big Brother, Celebrity Big Brother on CBS. It's a game show, I guess, if you'd call it that.

I don't know. It's a reality show. Probably is more accurate. But they play a lot of games within the reality show. And my very good buddy, one of my best friends, Tom Green, is on the show. He's one of the celebrities. Or should I say was one of the celebrities? Just last night.

he got voted off so this is very timely and when I say last night I should probably say what was it Friday night Friday what's the date

Friday what February the 8th as if it matters but just so you have reference if you're listening to this show so he got voted off finally he played a strong game he surprised a lot of people he surprised me he had to do he had to do some physical challenges

and i i wasn't sure if tom was quite that coordinated but uh and calculating but he was he excelled at a lot of the games both physical and mental and uh you know tom played a game but the i think the flaw in tom's plan and why he maybe got voted off is it became obvious he was very strong player. And I think the clue to that show is pretend you're dumb, weak, stupid, and infantile. And the key to that show is not being a threat to anybody. And I think if you can stay under the radar and just be like a baby deer that no one really pays attention to and doesn't think you really have the mental or physical capacity to do anything to threaten them,

I think that's the key. But a lot of these celebrities have it backwards where they do the exact opposite, where they puff up their chests and they try to excel and they try to win all the, you know, the prizes, which entitle them to stay longer in the house. They get immunity.

They get this thing called head of household where they're in charge and they can't be voted off. and so in their quest to do that to save themselves, the odds say it's probably not practical or realistic to win that every time. But in the process of trying to win it every time, you're showing your cards how aggressive you are, how capable you are, how skilled you are.

And meanwhile, if you just act like Rain Man and sit in the background, people will just kind of pass you over. And next thing you know, you're one of the last people in the house. So Tom's flaw, if anything, was maybe he was too good. He was too strong. So that's my point of view on the gamesmanship.

Now, on the show itself, I got to tell you, man, that house was full of some of the most annoying people I've ever met my life. I texted Tom last night, like an hour after I saw that he lost. And I said, Tom, I'm sorry you got voted off. But thank God you did, because now I don't have to watch one more second of these moron idiots who were living in this house with you. I mean, these people, I'm like, are they real? I mean, I've never seen a more emotional bunch of nuts, but they're playing a game at a plush, plush little studio in the valley in Hollywood. and they're having mental breakdowns and crying and getting angry and throwing tantrums

and what the hell is wrong? Now, I know they're probably doing some of it for the theatrics of television, but a lot of it was just like, these people are not well adjusted, in my opinion. And I'm going to call out one girl in particular, some girl like Tony Braxton's daughter or something. This girl was walking around like, I don't know, I don't know how the word of a celebrity even applies to this human being. But they decided that their hook was that they were big and loud and flashy and, oh, my God.

I literally had to mute and fast forward every time this woman came on to. This is how she tells. Oh, I wasn't going to go do the thing. Ha, because I told them I ain't going to play like that. Because that's not what I do. like she kept sticking her tongue out and waving her arms and her head around and her voice going loud and over theatrical and oh my god maybe the most annoying person maybe the most annoying thing i've ever heard or had to watch in my life like it was the phoniest most put-on pretentious aggravating

and of course as fate would have it this person just kept fluking like every time they had a contest where you had to guess something or you had to do this or that or they had to draw a name out of a hat this annoying person kept winning so she kept avoiding the elimination because she kept getting lucky and she was just so flamboyant and over the time and wearing wigs and colored hair and sunglasses, and I'm sorry, man. Then she went off on my buddy Tom. She started, you know, at one point Tom was strategizing and was like, you know, I think I'll get rid of this one or voter off.

And she took it personally and took a hissy fit on Tom. And Tom made a great point as he talked into the camera. He goes, what did I do wrong? This is what this whole game is about. You decide who you have to eliminate. You have to be strategic. to get rid of people. But yet when he mentioned her name,

she went off like, you know, the guy had assaulted her in an alley or something. I'm like, chill out, girl. Tom's not the only one that's brought your name up for elimination. Everybody's name comes up for elimination. That's the game. That's how you play.

And she's like, oh, you're not taking anything away from my babies. And I'm just like, who talks like that? Who's that loud? Who's that big? Obviously she was doing it for the camera But it couldn't have been a more annoying choice I mean, oh my God I'm not joking when I said the minute I saw her face

Or she was alone talking to camera I muted it instantly and fast forwarded right past her I don't know how Tom put up with it I don't know if I could have put up with that I just can't stand that stuff that loud flambord boyant, fake attitude. It's just, ugh, everyone else in the house I could handle. Although there were a lot of theatrics, this Lolo,

some Olympian Lolo Leatheringtoners, I don't know her name, Lolo Jones, or this girl looked like she was walking on the edge of being checked into an asylum. I mean, you say the wrong color or the wrong name or the wrong reference, this girl's eyes would water up and she'd start trembling and she'd sure her face would look so grim like she just found out everyone on the on the her full whole family was on the Titanic and drowned or something so I don't know and the only thing I'll say you know I love Tom he's my buddy

but I'll be honest and I'm going to tell him this so it's nothing I'm not saying out of school you know the show was a bit cheesy They dressed the celebrities up in ridiculous costumes, and they made them, you know, get splattered with paint and whipped cream in the face. And they kind of made them look goofy. And they kind of made them look mediocre. And a lot of the celebrities, quote, unquote, were mediocre.

I don't know that they're really celebrities. And so one of the things I love about Tom is that he was always is very innovative, edgy, like, you know, guy. He was the original jackass guy, you know? So he was like a real kind of creative artist type of guy. And I get it. Everyone moves on. Everyone gets older.

Everyone changes gears. And I give Tom that space. But part of me inside was a little bit sad to see, you know, that this show made him look a little bit clowny, a little buffoony maybe. and he's not an idiot. Tom knew what he was getting into, and Tom's at another phase of his life, but, you know, it's just, it's kind of like when you see a rock star, like, you know, Axel Rose when he's, when he's 25, and he like epitomizes rock and roll. He's the bad boy of rock. And then all of a sudden, you know, 30 years later, he's a judge on the voice. or Stephen Tyler, the king of bad boy rock as a judge on American Idol. It's kind of that syndrome. And I'm not criticizing.

I'm not knocking down because we all got to make a living. We all slow down. But in a way, it's just, you know, in a perfect world, is it what I want to see? No. But on the other side, am I happy that Tom getting exposure and he's going to make some good money? Yeah. Yeah, and Tom's big enough to know what he's getting into.

But I'll just say I hope this experience makes Tom hungry to do something in the edgy voice that we know him for, you know. And maybe this helps give him the catalyst to, you know, tap into those roots more or whatever. But all in all, Tom did a great job. I was rooting for my buddy. and I think he played it well. His only crime, and if you can call it a crime, he played too well. And it's kind of a oxymoron to kind of say that, right?

But he played too well so well that he was a threat to everyone else and they got him the hell out of there. Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex? No, yes, yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what, you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me.

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Don't throw your back out. So there you go. Now, the next part of your question is you asked me if I've ever been on a reality show. And the answer is I came right close to it twice. The first season they did Celebrity Apprentice with Donald Trump I was asked to do it.

I loved that show because it was smart. I like, you know, the early celebrity, the early apprentice, celebrity apprentice, you know, it was a show that was about being a manager and completing tasks and strategizing. And you actually had to use your brain to do things. And so I really liked the concept of that. I really was a fan of the show. And they asked me to do it. And at the time I was shooting a movie over in Europe.

and we would have missed, I would have missed the deadline for getting on the show by a week. And I asked them if they would wait for me, and they said they couldn't because it was too big of a production, obviously. It's a huge reality show. So they're not going to delay it a week for me. But I told them I really wanted to do it. And unfortunately, because of my schedule, I couldn't. So then they re-approached me. Another season went by.

and then the following season, they approached me again, and I said, oh, yeah, I want to do it. So the producers took me out for lunch, and I should have just sat there and nodded my head and said, I'm so excited to do the show. But me being a creative guy, it was like, yeah, when I get in the boardroom, I'm going to mess with Donald, I'm going to tell, you know, I'm going to kind of go to battle with them,

and I'm going to, like, fight for it, and I'm going to do my comedy, and all of a sudden this lunch that was going really well, the producers kind of all of a sudden did the Hollywood kiss of death. They went, okay, great. Well, we'll get back to you shortly. And as soon as they said that, I went, oh, damn, I just blew it. I should have just sat there and said, yeah, I'm going to play the game.

It's going to be fun. I'm going to be a team player. And then I just should have done all my shenanigans once I was on the set. But as soon as they heard that I was going to kind of like, be a bit of a troublemaker or challenge Donald or whatever they thought. I'm sure Donald kind of said to them, look, I don't want anyone coming in the boardroom and making me look like a fool. So if anyone seems like that, don't book them.

And I think I exposed myself like an idiot. And so they never sent me the contract. You know, we were at this lunch and they were telling me, okay, so you're going to come for seven weeks and you're going to stay in the thing. and this is what you're going to get paid. And, like, I had the show. I had Celebrity Apprentice until I opened my big mouth and told them all the hilarious comedy bits I was going to do.

And in their heads, they were like, oh, no, you're not. And that was it, man. I never heard a peep from them again. I went from, like, them pretty much planning my travel arrangements to silence. And it's so funny because I've been in Hollywood so long. when you're in an industry, you know the signs. You know the signals, right? And as soon as they said, I could feel the energy at the table change.

As soon as they said, oh, this is great. We'll get back to you. We'll reach out and be in touch. I was like, rate at that lunch, before I got the food on my fork into my mouth. In my head, I went, oh, I just lost it. I just lost the gag. And I knew it. Nobody said anything.

I just instinctively knew. And I'm like, oh, well, it wasn't like it was my career dream. I just thought it would be fun and challenging. And I found the show stimulating. So there you go. Long, long answer. But it's an interesting topic. And I'm proud of my buddy Tom.

He's the best. And he did a great job. And I know he made a bit of money. So I'm going to actually, he told me today to call him tomorrow. He's got thousands of stories to tell me. So I'm going to go out to lunch. And he's going to pay, of course, because he won a bunch of money. And I'm going to hear the real dirt on Celebrity Big Brother 2.

So there you go. Thanks, Pod Couple. Interesting topic. And, Raj, let's move up. Let's do something a little nutty. How about it? Do we have a crazy news story? Yes.

Okay. Roger gave me the thumbs up. Play the theme. Let's do a crazy news story. The Harland Highway Crazy news stories That's weird Wow

That's strange stuff I think you're crazy All right Here we go I think you're crazy We live in a crazy Mofo world man These headlines

I just They just keep rolling in every day You know Before I read it You just ask yourself In your life do you ever wake up in the morning and climb out of bed and go

today I'm going to eat an eagle or today I'm going to chop a cow penis off or today I'm going to drive through a drive-thru with my pickup truck or today I'm going to burn my children in a barbecue like these headlines come from people like you and me

human beings and yet I can't fathom the idea of this ever happening to anyone I know or me or, but yet this happens to people. How? What is going on with this planet? So here's

the headline today. The crazy news story. Ready? Put your helmet on. Ready? Florida woman arrested after allegedly throwing frozen pork chop at boyfriend.

I mean, Like I said, have you ever thrown a frozen pork chop at your boyfriend or girlfriend and got arrested for it? Good Lord. Well, let's see where this sucker goes, shall we? A Florida woman was arrested after she allegedly got into a bizarre fight with her boyfriend, ultimately hurling a frozen pork chop at him. I mean, you couldn't have defrosted the thing first, really? I mean, show a little of.

Jennifer Brassard, 48, and the boyfriend got into a spat around 9.45 p.m. on Friday in Brooksville, north of Tampa. The fight escalated before Brassard allegedly threw the meat at her bow. Oh, God. The pork chop hit the man in the face and left a half inch cut on his eyebrow. investigators said. Just the fact that there's investigators. Doesn't that term just insinuate that there's a crime worthy of being investigated? You know, you got to figure investigators are smart, capable people.

They have brains that are able to put clues together and make deductions and things like that. Are we really wasting the time of smart educators to go and investigate meat assaults? You know, should we send the CSI team because there was a roast beef incident down on 42 Central Avenue? Yeah, Car 59, Car 59. Yeah, we have a T-Bone steak murder down on 52 there. Yeah, go ahead and investigate, and car 28, we've got a meatloaf massacre over on the... I mean, come on, man. It says other circumstances surrounding the fight were unclear.

Brassard allegedly took off and was arrested Saturday. So she left the scene of a pork chop crime. I mean, that's got to be extra jail time right there, leaving the scene of a pork chop crime. The only good thing about this, and maybe this could be the standard for all crimes, if we got rid of the guns in the country and the knives, and people had to use fresh deli products or sandwiches

or frozen TV dinners or nice meat dishes to commit crimes, at least at the end of the crime, there would be a delicious meal there for you. Hey man, what's going on? Oh, man, someone just broke into my house, man. Oh, my God, I'm so sorry. I know, man, but it's okay. We have beef stroganoff, man.

They left some nice beefs chogonoff simmering on the top of the oven. Oh, really? Yeah, I got broken about two weeks ago. Yeah, you won't believe it. Veal cutlets, I've everywhere, just all over the house. I mean, I must have gained. about 15 pounds from that break in. Unbelievable.

So anyways, maybe note to men who have aggressive women with a pension for throwing meat before the fight begins spray your face with Pam. You know the Pam cooking spray? Yeah, if you scent an altercation brewing, get the Pam, spray your face, and then any pork chop or steak or chicken breast, a salmon steak, anything flying at your face will slide right off and you'll avoid any lacerations or permanent injuries. So Broussard was charged with domestic battery down in Florida.

Well, shouldn't she be charged with domestic cooking? Shouldn't she be charged with domestic chores? Shouldn't she be charged with being a domesticated housewife? I mean, she did throw a pork chop. I mean, what's next? She throws her vacuum cleaner? You know what? That's what I should do.

You know, maybe that's how I get a free meal. I go down to KFC. I harass the crap out of the cashier. And in a fit of rage and violence, They throw a three-piece chicken value meal right up my face. And I just pick it up and run out the door and get a free meal. It's like, hey, man, they threw it at me. I'm going to eat it.

Oh, crazy news stories. Keep them coming, Rodge. Good Lord. Who's she you, mother? Blow up your pants. Hello? Hello? Hey, Holland.

I know you were a wife. the early adopters of the podcast format, and I don't know if you listen to other podcasts, but I listen to a number of them, and I don't know if you know this, but your colleagues speak very highly of you. I've noticed over the years that no other comedian seems to have a bad thing to say about you. Of course, you've been on the Am Karola show many times and he thinks you're hilarious. Joe Rogan has said a view that if you looked at the things you say on paper, they wouldn't make any sense, but somehow coming out of Parlin, they're hilarious. Who else? I sure has praised you, just a lot of different, of course, your friend Tom Green.

Anyway, long story short is, I don't know if you knew this, but not only does the audience seem to love you, but your contemporaries are also big fans. Just thought you should know. well hey now thank you man uh you know that's an interesting phone call and uh it's a very nice one and to all those uh wonderful comedians who you spoke about who uh has spoken highly of me in that way which to be honest i was not aware of uh that uh that's very kind it warms my heart and uh and i'm i'm I'm honored that my peers, as you put it, would have some high praise for me or just like what I do or whatnot. It's, yeah, it's quite an honor to hear those words.

I'm not a guy that hangs around in the comedy community a lot. I'm kind of one of these guys that I'm a bit surgical. I go into the clubs. and I do my thing and I walk back out of the clubs. I've always been a little bit maybe socially awkward and I've never gotten too cozy at the comedy clubs just because it's just kind of not who I am. It's always great to see my peers and the people I work with

and to say hello and every now and then I'll have a, a quick talk with some of them, but I'm not really super immersed in the whole stand-up community if there is one. I don't even know. I don't know if all the other comedians hang out or not. But, God, I kind of don't know what to say, but I did not know about the stuff you just mentioned. And, boy, it never hurts to hear that people have. kind words to say. And for all those that have said them, I give great thanks. And I am quite humbled and

honored. So thank you to all those people you mentioned and anyone else that might have said something. And that's very nice, man. It warms the heart. So thank you for that call. And I will cherish the words and cherish the feelings, as they say. Yes, one more note about your peers. Most recently, Doug Benson and Todd Glass were having a conversation about you, wondering if you would ever do the podcast getting Doug with High, which you may not know involves using cannabis on the air. and they both concluded that they didn't think you used drugs because it's the people who are the craziest that seem to be the sober ones. So I'll take that for what it's worth.

And if you did decide to do the show, I can't even imagine what that happened. Oh, boy, there you go. Todd Glass and Doug Benson, they're so funny. Todd Glass is that he just cracks me up. He's kind of like a stand-up comedy outsider, like, in the terms of his style. It's not as traditional as most stand-up comedians, and it's just so funny and tongue-and-cheek and sarcastic, and Doug's just got some great lines. I've worked with Doug a lot, and, yeah, well, again, man,

I'm just overwhelmed by the kind words, and that is so much. nice. And I send the words back. Believe me. And as far as doing the show, the podcast, stoned, yeah, I don't think that's ever going to happen. You're right. I'm not a drug guy. And have I ever experienced cannabis? Oh, I won't say yes and I won't say no. Winkety wink, wink, wink, wink, a dink-a-dink. And if I ever did, it would be very sparingly. Winkety-dink, dink, dink-dink, dink-dink. And the idea of me, you know, on a show doing that, if I had ever done it, winkety-dink, dink-dink-dink-dink-dink, I feel like I would be the guy that just laughed and buckled over and said the craziest things.

I mean, I already have a very rich, deep imagination. So if winkety-dink, dink, dink-a-dink-dink I ever partook in cannabis, winkety-dink-dink-dink-dink, trust me, it would be hilarious, it would be ethereal, it would be ethereal, it would be out there, it would be so damn silly. Not that any of my close friends could ever attest to this. Winkety-dink, ding, ding, dink-dink. But, yeah, it would just not be something I'd really want to put out there and have the world see me, you know, inebriating myself.

I don't know that I'm comfortable with that being anything. I want people to have a permanent record of on the Internet. But that being said, to each their own. And yeah, so to answer your question, no, I most likely will never do that. But there you go. I think they actually reached out to me once and asked me already if I wanted to do it, and I turned it down. But it's not because I don't love Doug Benson and Todd.

Todd Glass, but it's just that's something that's not my wheelhouse. So there you go. Thank you for the calls. Thank you for the compliments. Thank you for exposing me to these kind and humbling words from people. And, yeah, puts a little smile on my face. So there you go. And speaking of smiles on the face, Roger, did you say that Aunt Ruthie calls?

she did she left another message okay well let's do that then let's go to aunt ruthie's voicemail and i think we will round the show out with that is that okay roger okay good all right we're gonna we're gonna round the show out with uh end the show on aunt ruthie i don't know what she's gonna rant about this time but it's always something with her oh wait what hold on hold on what roger Oh, she's calling about the Grammy Awards? Oh, okay, that's right.

Yes, I phoned my Aunt Ruthie earlier this week. Tonight was the Grammys, if you're not aware of it. Sunday night, and I called Aunt Ruthie and told her to watch the Grammys because she's always loved music and whatnot. So, okay, that makes sense. I thought she was just calling for no reason. Okay, so my Aunt Ruthie, I told her, watch the Grammys and I guess

she's calling in to tell me what she thought. I hope she enjoyed them. Who doesn't like the Grammy Awards? All that beautiful music and the dancing and la la la and all that stuff. So go ahead, Raj. Play Aunt Ruthie's voicemail and let's see

how she enjoyed the wonderful Grammys. Hello. Oh my God. Hello, Angel. Are you there? Hello. Oh, my God, I can never figure out these machines. It's your Aunt Ruthie crawling, Angel, from Rochester, New York.

Oh, my God. How are you, Angel? I hope you can hear me. Hello? Oh, my God, I hope he's listening. Anyhow, Angel, it's your Aunt Ruthie, and I'm calling because I watched the show you told me to watch, and I, you know, I'm a little bit confused.

Your Uncle Harry fell asleep. halfway through for Christ's sake, but we watched the grannies, and it was, you know, it wasn't what we expected, I mean, for Christ's sake, it was all these young people for crying out loud, and, you know, your uncle Harry and I are watching the Granny Awards, and we're thinking, okay, when are people that we know going to walk out? When are people in our age bracket are going to make an appearance, you know, people in the 70s and their 80s, for Christ's sake, on heaven's ice, you know. I mean, I'm waiting for, you know,

Kathleen Applebaum from down the street to come walking out and if she can still walk, that is for Christ's sake, but hobble out on the stage, you know, with a walker, a wheelchair or something, and, you know, well, she win the award for best

colostomy bag, for Christ's sake. I mean, you know, and then I'm hoping maybe Clarice Edelwind, you know, from over there on on 29th Street, she's been in the neighborhood forever, and I'm thinking, oh, Christ, where's her Granny Award? I mean, you know, this woman could walk out, you know, out on her stage and clear the room

with one of her, you know, rumble bread, plum cake with your thunder bombers. You know, this woman can fart near the shore of a lake, and then the fish will start floating to the cyphus and, you know, we have spasms. I mean, this woman's got dynamite in a short, and here I am, Honeybun, and I'm watching the Granny Awards, just like you told me to, and I don't think I saw one Granny. I mean, Diana Ross came in walking out, but she said she was 75, and I'm like, okay, but she looks like she's 25, and I'm thinking, where the hell is this chick living? beneath the fountain of youth.

What does she rubbed olive oil over her face all night and put cactus juice in her fucking veins? I mean, either that is she's possessed by Satan in fucking hell, for Christ's sake. I mean, who looks 75 and looks like they just finished, you know, running a marathon and eating fucking eggplants with their fucking teeth? It's like, who is this woman? I mean, Christ on a crunched-up, you know, piece of fucking rumble bread. It's just crazy.

So your uncle Harry's getting impatient. He was hoping that, you know, he used to date what's the face down the road, you know, around the bend on Havener's Crescent over there. What was the name? Oh, yeah, Diane Templeton. Oh, fuck me, tend to that one. I mean, you know, Uncle Harry's thinking she's got to be pushing. She's got to be pushing 90, right, Angel? And I'm thinking, okay, she's going to come wobbling out on stage,

probably have a stroke, her legs flashing around like a crab that's been turned upside down at a Galapagos lizard festival, for Christ's sake. And I'm thinking, where the hell's all the grannies? I mean, you know, if they're going to have the Granny Award, show me some old skin, show me some wrinkles, show me a bit of time, Angel. But instead, you know, we have all these young people coming out. We have colored people. We have Latino people.

We got white people that it looked like they were trying to act like they were colored people. And I'm, me and your uncle Harry is sitting here going, did we just step into Michael J. Fox's time machine and go back in time with the velociraptor capacitor or whatever the fuck that thing was. That crazy double-dutched head doctor had that Doc Brown? You remember, he was like, Marty, I've got to get back to the future, Maher. Remember this fucking guy? And so, you know, we're sitting here, and we're like, this is the worst granny awards I've ever seen.

What about Margaret Bimbaottom down at the bingo hall? I mean, you know, she's got the bad eye and she's got the crooked feet. You know, she should have won a granny award for Christ's sake. I mean, just to see that woman walk, she should get an award. I mean, she looks like, you know, someone took a canoe pass. and bashed the shit out of it, on an octopus, for Christ's sake. She walks around like Forrest Gump just had a baby on a rain man's fucking picnic table, you know? It's just crazy.

And I'm thinking there's Granny Awards flying all over the place and no one I recognize. I mean, what the hell's going on here, Angel? I mean, you told me to watch the grannies. I turned it on. Uncle Harry's got his oval teen. He's sitting there in his world. World War II, you know, government-issue underpants, and these things got more yellow on them than, you know, the tobacco-stained finger of Doris Day for grace sake.

And so we're watching, and we're watching, and we're like, where the hells are the grannies on these granny awards? And then, of course, I couldn't help but think about Kathleen. What's up? Harry, what's the last name, Kathleen down there on Birchmont Street? Oh, that's what she's, she's an ethnic. She's one of those ethnics, angels. Kathleen Potskowski.

Is that it, Harry? Oh, that's Robert! Yeah, your uncle Harry says Kathleen Potseski. And, I mean, you've seen this woman. She's got moles that look like Tiger Woods had a golf ball into a bear's asshole. I mean, they're big and they're brown, and they're bulging. I mean, what would, does this? woman take a shower and a meteorite shower? I mean, this woman's got more moles than the fucking

poke it out door for Christ's sake. And I'm thinking there's a granny award waiting to happen 50 years ago. And so, you know, like I said, your uncle Harry nods off. He hasn't seen one granny he knows. We got these kids up there, you know, Jennifer Lopez and all these people jumping around like someone lit a fucking garden hose up under their ass and a, you know, a Chinese firecracker in their underpants and the jumping around like, you know, someone put a toy robot up their ass. I mean, what the hell's going on, Angel Pye? Anyways, you know, we had to train it off, little Angel, because, you know, it's a, we can only take so much, you know, your uncle Harry and I, this thing was a four-hour show and we didn't see one goddamn

granny and so uh you know eventually we just turned the channel and uncle harry watched some fucking documentary about aunt eaters on the discovery channel and i'm thinking boy those were the days when uncle harry used to have his tongue working you know and uh anyways i don't want to get too graphic but jesus christ so anyhow angel i just wanted to let you know we tried to watch show the Granny Awards, and unfortunately, maybe it just wasn't our cup of tea, but, you know, we're old, and we love you, Joe, all the same. We know you're in Hollywood, and you're doing your movies, and your televisions, and all those fun things. Your Ray, Ruthie loved you, and Uncle Harry loved you, too.

Harry, tell Joe Holland did you love him? Well, I think he's eating some fucking. potato chips. I mean, good Christ, this guy, he'll chew through a can of fucking ranch-style Pringles, and they all, all the crumbs fall into his gray fucking bird's nest over, you know, in his lap, and all of a sudden he's up scratching all night, and, you know, I'm afraid he's going to start a friction fire right over his penis, and then, you know, his pubis is going to burst into flames, and all of a sudden we got Uncle Harry and a giant cockfire in the house. Anyways, Angel, I'm rambling.

Your Aunt Ruthie loves you, we'll talk to you soon. Be a good boy, you little feckle-faced fuck. And Ruthie loves you. Harry, get your hands out of the goddamn Pringles can. You're going to get it stuck like a raccoon with his head and a pickle jar, you dumb fuck. Bye, Angel. Harry, you dumb shit. What?

Whoa. Good Lord The hell is I said the Grammy Awards Not the Granny Awards Poor Aunt Ruthie's hearing is just Oh God What a nutcracker

Total nutcracker Oh well At least she got some form of entertainment I guess watching the show. And speaking of entertainment, it is with a heavy heart that I make this next announcement. Hold on to yourselves. Hold on to your sit down.

Everybody grab onto their chair. It's with a very, very heavy heart that I say this. But the Harland Highway podcast will be coming to an end. Very soon. I know. I know. I don't want to say it, but I have to say it. We are approaching a thousand episodes.

We are at number 981. Can you believe it? 981 episodes. I was one of the first stand-up comedians to jump on the podcast train. I was one of the early ones. I'd say, like, maybe in the early, you know, top five, maybe top eight or ten. I jumped on early with the Harland Highway podcast. There weren't a lot of us out there doing it.

And now, now, who isn't doing a podcast? And that's part of, I guess, my reason for folding it up. I don't have any ill will towards anyone else doing a podcast. In fact, I think it's great. I think it's a great way for people who express themselves and get their message out and do whatever they want. I applaud everyone who has a podcast. But for me, it became a field that was a bit overpopulated.

It was a field that, you know, it didn't necessarily feel like I was doing anything that special anymore because everybody's doing it, you know? And although I believe my actual podcast is special, and I love doing it, it's a lot of work. It's a lot, you know, I never kind of talk about that very much when I do my podcast because that's not a burden you guys should have to bear. I do, I've done it all these years, and I think we've done it, this is eight or nine years for God's sakes. I did all this as a labor of love. I liked the heavy lifting. I liked the work.

I used to do three a week. One a week is a ton of work. But I did three a week for the longest time. And then I was down to two a week. And then I cut it down to one a week. And as you know, my podcast is very labor intensive. I put a lot of music and sound effects and do characters and scenarios and locations. and, you know, I do all this stuff, and it's a lot of work.

And I find it challenging and creative and fun, and I try to be as innovative as I can. And I never wanted to do a podcast where I just sat and interviewed people, although I have done this on this podcast. As you guys know, I do it very sparingly. And it's something I can do. I feel I'm good at it, but I just don't want to do what the rest of. of the field is doing. You know, I feel like, and they're good at it, again, not a cut down at all.

It's, you know, a lot of these comedians have surprised me at how good their interview skills are and how good they sound as an on-air voice or a radio voice. Like, I commend them and I applaud all of them. But I just didn't want to be a podcast that sat and interviewed people and just asked them what was going. And that stuff's interesting and fascinating, I guess, but it's just not my interest. And so I tried to do something that was a little different, a little more outside of the box.

And if we're being honest, you know, I didn't really ever gather the huge audience I wanted. I thought my podcast would stand out, and I would have hundreds of thousands of listeners all over the world. And the reality is the numbers never got super high for me. And so that's another. reason where as much as I love doing it and as much as the people who are fans of the show love it, it's just not getting out to a wide population and people say, well, you've got to

promote it better and you got to have a bigger media presence and, you know, I've promoted the hell out of it. And I always say if something's good enough, people find it. You know, I mean, look at all the places that don't advertise anything. and do great, you know? So it met my creative expectations, but it maybe didn't ever meet my fan expectations. I was hoping the people all over the planet would be tuning in by the hundreds of thousands

and just like laughing their asses off at my ridiculous show. And it didn't, but I don't want you to think for a second that that takes away from if only three people were listening to my show and it made them laugh. That's my job is done. I'm not discounting anybody who listen to the show. Whoever listened to it, I'm glad they did, and I'm glad they got whatever they wanted to get out of it.

But it was a show that was a labor of love. You know, I think if you listen to other podcasts, a lot of them have sponsors and have commercials, and they read text for sponsors. And I just never did that. I thought about it. I, you know, there was days when I thought, well, why aren't I monetizing this thing? And I think I always maintained that I just wanted to keep it clean and pure

and just do it for the love of comedy and do it as a way to spread whatever ability or gift I may have, if you want to call it that. I don't know. But, you know, there's people out there that can't pay to see me do a stand-up show or can't pay to watch one of my specials or whatever. And I thought, man, if God gave me the ability to make people laugh and this is a way to reach them, then I don't want anything in return.

This is like my way of saying thank you. This was my way of just putting a gift out there for people to enjoy if they wanted it. And after I think nine, we're between eight and ten years right now. And so even though I could keep, keep doing it. I feel like I've kind of exhausted it to a degree. And I love doing all the characters and telling the stories. But I've also decided, you know, in my life, I like to move on to other things. And I've always been a guy that tries to kind of find stuff that other people aren't doing.

As I said, when I started this podcast, there weren't very many. So I felt like, oh, man, I'm really doing something that's special and different. But now, my goodness, there are, There are so many thousands of podcasts now. It's incredible. And so I'm going to move on to do, put my time into something that I think will be fresh and new and original. I'm not going to tell you what it is right now. But I will let you know if you're, if you want to stay connected to me after the life of the Harland Highway. You can follow me on my Twitter feed at Harlan,

Williams or my Instagram feed at Harlan Williams or go to my website, harlan williams.com. And from there, you can keep an eye on what I'm doing, but I'm not just going away. I already have a plan to channel my energy into a new project, and it's something that nobody else is doing. And so I want to do that. I want to do something fresh and challenging and different. and but what I will say is that I'm going to leave the all the apparatus in place,

the Harland Highway, I'm going to leave the Harland Highway up and running. Okay, let's put it that way. In case I ever one night just miss it and I feel like laying down an episode, you might not hear from me for seven months and then all of a sudden I might do one. So every now and then maybe you'll be surprised. If you're subscribed to my podcast, leave your subscription in place. You never know. But I do want to thank all of you.

And I'll do that more when we get down to the last one. So there's about 14 episodes to go before I, well, let's see, 14. No, we're at 80. So, no, there's about 19 to go. And I just wanted to tell you now so that you had, you had, time to emotionally prepare for it, you know, just to be ready. So you're not just, you know, all of a sudden on episode 1,000, I just go, that's it. It's over.

This way you can slowly be weaned off of it. You can detoxify yourself. You can slowly wean yourself off of the Harland Highway and know that with each one you listen to, you're getting towards the end. And I know that this is probably making some of you sad or disappointed. And I do apologize, but as I said, it's just, I feel like it's run its course. It's done its time. And I feel like we've shared a lot of fun memories and things and laughter and stories and opinions and thoughts and ideas and all that great stuff.

everything that I had hoped this podcast would do for both me and you, the listener, the pavement pounders. And I know some of you listening have been stuck with me through all the years, probably since I started and right up till now, and other people have come and gone, I'm sure. But for those of you that were there from the start, you're very special to me, your special people, your special audience, and I thank you for. for your loyalty, your commitment, your endurance, and I hope that the first episode was as fun for you as the last one's going to be.

So there you go. I hope I didn't bum you out, but like I said, I wanted to let you know before the final app, give you time to adjust, and we'll talk more about it as we get closer. But this is the heads up. and there you go. So anyways, that being said, let's move on to some announcements.

Yours truly will be this coming Saturday. I will be doing a stand-up comedy show at the Comedy Festival just outside of Austin, Texas at the Horseshoe Resort. It's just a little drive outside of Austin, Texas, called the Horseshoe Resort. They've got a comedy festival, and I will be headlining on February 16th. That's this Saturday coming up.

So be sure and get your tickets. Come on out and see the kid. And then the following Saturday, excuse you, February 23rd, I will be in Chico, California, at the L. Ray Theater. So Chico, California is just north of Sacramento, California. So if you're up in the Sacramento area or even San Francisco, then you want to see me.

I will be at the L. Ray Theater in Chico, California. That's February 23rd Saturday night, just one night. And it's going to be a blast. And then coming into March, oh, yeah, I'm going down to San Diego, going down the other way down to the south coast of California, to San Diego, to the American Comedy Co. Great club. I do that club all the time. That's March 14th to 16th.

That's Thursday, Friday, Saturday, March 14th, 15, 16. And a bunch more. If you want to see the rest of my stand-up schedule and look for me in a town or city near you, Harland Williams.com. Just go to the stand-up tour page, and you can buy your tickets in advance there if you want to. Also, I'm not going to tell you to subscribe to the premium membership because that would be futile if there's only 20 episodes left. And for those of you that did join, when we shut down the show, we will also discontinue the premium membership. Or maybe we'll leave it up.

And like I said, I will drop things in. And it's up to you if you want to opt out of it or stay with it or whatever. I think there's a yearly fee of $20. So, and again, thank you to all of you who were premium members. Same thing goes with the app. If you want to keep the app on your phone, go ahead in case I do drop the needle at some point. And if you want to get any final phone calls into me or emails, you can write me at harlanwilms.com. Or if you want to phone me, there is a voicemail machine, 3, 2, 3,3, 7.5.

3-9-4-3-3-3-3-3-0. 3-3-9-4-3-0. And there you go. So that's it for today. I hope you enjoyed the show. You better have enjoyed it because there's not many left. I hate to rub it in your face. But love having you guys here. Thank you so much.

And until next time, Chicken, Chalmay. Baby?