The Harland Highway - 982 - CAMPFIRE TIMMY sings winter songs. Lion Attacks! Familiar sayings!

Episode Date: February 18, 2019

CAMPFIRE TIMMY sings winter songs. Lion Attacks! Familiar sayings! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

It's the Harlan Highway. Oh, speaking of singing, oh my God. Campfire Timmy drops in. Okay, can you believe it? It's wintertime. And apparently this idiot who I hate wants to come in and sing some wintertime campfire songs, whatever that means. This should be migraine material, believe me.

So get ready for Camp Fire Timmy later in the show. And then we're also going to be, we're going to be peeling the layers back on some old sayings, old phrases that you've heard. You know, like the whole nine yards and that'll cost you an arm and a leg, those type of things. We're going to be, we're going to be kind of, you know, telling you where those came from and what they actually mean. So that'll be kind of interesting. And then we have a crazy news story, man. This is actually a crazy news story that I wish had happened to me. So that tells you I'm a crazy news story myself, okay?

You got to hear this. It's pretty fascinating. And then later in the show, we'll be reading some emails. A lot of you are like sad that I'm ending the podcast very soon, and you let me hear about it, so we'll be reading those. But we're here right now. We're still up and running. And you know what this is?

This is the Harland Highway. You know my name? It's on the marriage certificate. I've never seen you before all my life. Hold on to your airbag. You're heartless, heartless monsters. All of you threw it through. You're riding down the Harland Highway.

Oh yeah! When you see a fallen stock, that means a witch has just died. You clumsy idiot. The Harland Highway Oh, I want is to hear people say something again And to see people moving again I'm Floyd Bernie A Rockabilly boy, don't you understand?

You're listening to Harlan Williams I can't be your daughter I'm a machine Man, you've been dead a thousand years Why George, I think he's got it You're riding down the Harland Highway With Harland Williams What's up, Doc?

Mr. Piaveau Loo-O-Lum. You're going to lose right now. Don't leave me here! Oh, yes, you're going to lose. You're going to lose right now. No, you're going to win, okay? You're on the Harland Highway. There's no losing on the Harlan Highway.

It's just a win, win, win, win, win, win, win, win, all day long, long, long, long, long. And speaking of long, long, long, long, long, long, over the long, long, long, many years of our society I think you know there's a lot of like kind of nutty old sayings that we have that we use and like myself a lot of you probably don't know

where these sayings came from what the origin of some of these sayings are so today I thought I'd pull the sheet back on some old sayings and give you a a little bit of schooling on where they came from or apparently where they came from. So I got five or six of them here.

I think it's kind of interesting. There's an old saying called balls to the wall. Have you ever heard of this one? Balls to the wall. And this one comes from early aircraft throttles, okay, had a ball on the end of it. And in order to go full throttle, the pilot had to push the throttle all. the way forward into the wall of the instrument panel. Hence, balls to the wall for going very fast.

And there you go. Balls to the wall. Unless, of course, and I hate to take this to a dirty place, but you're at a shell station out in the middle of nowhere. And there's a glory hole in stall number three. All right, forget it. Balls to the wall. So here's another one. How about this one?

I gave them the whole nine yards. Or you've heard that one, the whole nine yards. I was in a movie called The Whole Nine Yards with Bruce Willis. And this thing comes from during World War II. US airplanes were armed with belts of ammo, which they would shoot during dog fights on straffing runs. These belts were folded into the wing compartments that fed their machine guns. These belts measured 27 feet and contained hundreds of craters.

cartridges. Oftentimes the pilots would return from their missions having expended all of their bullets on various targets. They would say, I gave them the whole nine yards, meaning they used up all of their ammunition. Well, isn't that interesting? So I gave them the whole nine yards as a reference to like long belts of bullets. Very interesting. Okay, how about this one? It'll cost you an arm and a leg. We've all said that one.

Oh man, that new flat screen is going to cost me an arm and a leg. What the hell? What's Walmart charging $15 for a 60 inch flat screen? Yeah, that's about right. In George Washington's days, there were no cameras. One's image was either sculpted or painted. Some paintings of George Washington had him standing behind a desk with one arm behind his back, while others showed both legs and both arms.

Prices charged by painters were not based on how many people were to be painted, but by how many limbs were to be painted. arms and legs are limbs therefore painting them would cost the buyer more hence the expression okay but it'll cost you an arm and a leg hmm and a little brackets here it says artists know hands and arms are more difficult to paint so there you go uh it'll cost you an arm and a leg how about this one big wig we've all heard term he's a big wig.

As incredible as it sounds, men and women took baths only twice a year, May and October. Women kept their hair covered while men shaved their heads because of lice and bugs and wore wigs. Wealthy men could afford

good wigs made from wool. They wouldn't wash the wigs, so to clean them they would carve out a loaf of bread, put the wig in the shell and bake it for 30 minutes. The heat would make the wig big and fluffy, hence the term big wig. Today we often use the term here comes the big wig because someone appears to be

powerful or wealthy. Good Lord. They put their wigs inside a loaf of bread and heated it up. Yikes! That is pretty yeasty, man. Yikes. What's this one? Oh, mind your own beeswax. How about this one?

Personal hygiene left much room for improvement. As a result, many women and men have developed acne scars by adulthood. The women would spread beeswax over their facial skin to smooth out their complexions. When they're speaking to each other, if a woman began to stare at another woman's face, She was told, mind your own beeswax. Should the woman smile, the wax would crack. Hence the term crack a smile. In addition, when they sat too close to the fire,

the wax would melt. Therefore, the expression, losing face. Oh, so there's three and one right there. Mind your own bees, wax, crack a smile, and losing face. Huh. interesting stuff how about this one they aren't playing with a full deck

you know that one right most of us aren't playing if you're listening to this podcast you're definitely not playing with a full deck common entertainment included playing cards however there was a tax levied when purchasing playing cards but only applicable to the ace of spades to avoid paying the tax people

would purchase 51 cards instead. Yet since most games require 52 cards, these people were thought to be stupid or dumb because they weren't playing with a full deck. Hmm. Interesting. How about this one? Minding your peas and cues. At local taverns, pubs, and bars,

people drank from pint-sized and court-sized containers. A barmaid's job was to keep an eye on the customers and keep the drinks coming. She had to pay close attention and remember who was drinking in pints and who was drinking in courts, hence the phrase, minding your peas and cues. Wow. Okay. Well, there you go. Just a few. Just to get your brain warmed up for the podcast. You know the podcast requires a lot of thinking. So that's the origin of old sayings that we still use today, many of them. So very interesting.

Very, very interesting. I wonder where the phrase up yours comes from. Let me make it up. Well, back at the dawn of the Industrial Revolution, when elevators were being built, they were usually two elevators side by side in an office building. And when two people would get standing in the lobby, waiting for an elevator, one would say, are you going up or down? And the other one would say up yours.

No. No, no, that just didn't work at all. Stupid. Just stupid. How about the saying, you're stupid? Yeah, I'd just earn that one. All right, cool. Well, let's move on, Roger.

I think we got that out of ours. Enough with the old sayings. Let's move on to something newer, shall we? The Harland Highway. Crazy news stories. That's weird. That's strange stuff. Okay, this story makes me a little jealous.

It's a little scary, but it makes me jealous. I think I've talked about this before. This is something that I don't know why. secretly, I wish this had happened to me. It's very bizarre and twisted, but I don't know. For some reason, I thought that this would always be the ultimate test of manlyhood in this modern day world where we live at Starbucks and wear designer clothes and drive around in our plush cars and we're so pampered and we're not that masculine or

manly anymore, unless you're like an NFL player or UFC fighter. but the average man is just kind of like, okay, I'm a man, I guess. And so I always thought what happened to this next guy in this crazy news story would put to rest any questions about my masculinity or my manhood if this were to happen to me. And it's a great story. It's about a guy that was jogging in Colorado and got attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with his bare hands. Why isn't that me?

Take a listen to this crazy news story. It's nuts. Travis Kaufman, an avid trail runner, went for a run last week, west of Fort Collins, Colorado. And after about a quarter of a mile, I ended up hearing some pine needles wrestle, like a stick break. He expected a deer or a rabbit. He saw a mountain lion. I stopped, and I threw my hands up in the air, and I started shouting.

it just kind of kept running and lunged at me. It was going toward my face, so I threw up my hands to kind of block my face, at which point it grabbed onto my hand and wrist, and from there it started a claw at my face and neck. After several severe scratches and puncture wounds, Kaufman, who was 5'10, about 150 pounds, was able to pin the animal and suffocate it. Then he had to run three miles to find help.

I feel really fortunate that the situation turned out the way that it did. And I really feel like I made all the right decisions whenever I had to. Kaufman says he will run those trails again, but only with a friend. Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex? No, yes, yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority, plus 100% free shipping on your entire order.

Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy, I will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and fast. Don't wait. Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50% off, one item and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harland to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping. Bing. Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out.

I mean, does it get any cooler than that? I mean, once you tell your friends that story, what's left? I mean, a mountain lion stalks you, attacks you, lunges at you, and you put up a fight, and you wrestle with it, and you grapple with it, and it's sinking. and its giant teeth into you and those razor-sharp claws are ripping at your flesh. And you have the wherewithal to stay in the fight and strangle the thing. And you know you're not going to strangle a mountain lion like slowly. It's not like you grab it around the neck and after, you know, 10 seconds it's out.

Like that thing's a wild predator. Those things, when they engage in battle, man, they're like a ball of fury and testosterone and primal instinct to kill or be killed. So this thing must have been like, it must have been like trying to grab onto a tornado, man. And this guy who's already surprised and has the element of surprise. And a lot of times people go into shock and they're not used to this unusual situation.

So who would know what to do or how to think? So this guy's instincts kicked in. the warrior inside him kicked in, the strength of the will to survive kicked in, and imagine the fight that this wild cat full of fury wired to kill. Imagine the fury and the energy was expanding, expending, well, it was being suffocated.

It wasn't just laying there. I'm sure its claws were flying, and its teeth were gnashing and, you know, those wild mountain lions, they have a thick neck, man. They have a thick throat full of muscles. I mean, that's, you know, it doesn't seem obvious on the surface, but the necks, the muscles in their neck is part of their weaponry. I mean, when they grab onto a deer by the throat or a goat or whatever they're hunting,

I mean, they've got to have the neck muscle to hold on and pull another animal down and kill it. So it's not like you're grabbing on to a skinny little scarecrow kid. And so I'm sure the life went out of this, this mountain lion slowly. And it's just looking to kill you. And it's clawing away. And the cool thing is, too, is, you know, I used to talk about this. I used to say, probably if you went through all my podcasts, you'd find it.

There was a time when I used to live in the Rocky Mountains in British Columbia. And at night, I used to go out and walk through the mountains by myself. It was like a test of my manlyhood, I guess. I was like 21. And I'd go out without a flashlight. I'd go out under the light of the full moon, and I'd literally go into the wilderness. And I go for an hour, two-hour walk down by the mountain stream through the Rocky Mountains. I'd do a great big circle and then come back out.

I'd be on a trail. I'd be on just the playing ground where there was no trail. And secretly, in the back of my mind, I was like, man, wouldn't it be wild to be attacked by a mountain lion and fight it off? And, you know, that's just stupid when I think back now. I'm like, what an idiot. You know, there's not many people that would ever survive an attack from any wild animal, especially one that's an apex predator that's, you know, it's designed to take down prey bigger than itself.

And it just naturally knows how to go for the throat and how to kill. That's what it does. And I always said in my story back then, I said, and one of the battle scars I always wanted was a great big scar under my right or left eye, like on my cheek, you know, just underneath my eye like the, uh, a claw mark scar. So wherever I went, I was always reminded of my encounter and my conquering of a wild mountain cat. And of course, people would see it and of course girls would think it was so macho and sexy. You know, you can buy a fancy necklace at Macy's, or you can get a fancy ring,

or you can get your ears pierced with diamonds, you big tough boys, you, with your jewelry in the nightclub, you big tough guys or your tattoos. Ooh, I've got a tribal tattoo. Ooh, I've got a flaming skull. I must be tough. Ooh, I must be tough here in my Dolce and Gabana dress slacks. That's what I mean. A lot of men aren't tough anymore.

A lot of them act tough. They slap a tattoo on or some diamond earrings, and that's supposed to be tough. But what I always thought would be tough is the friggin scar of a mount lion claw across your face. And that would be a real testament. That would be a real branding. And there'd be no taking away. There's no manufacturing it. There was no walking into a store and planning it.

There was no attachment to it. It's just you were out. You got attacked by a mountain lion. It clawed your face. It left a scar. And you friggin won, man. I mean, it's pretty cool. If I was that guy, I would have taken the mountain lion and cut its claws out.

And maybe the head and kept the skull or taken the teeth out and made a necklace. Listen, when I was working up in the bush as a forest ranger, I found a dead black bear, and I did that. I took an axe to its paws, and it was dead. I love nature. I love animals, but this creature was dead, and this was almost like a testament to this creature, to the fact that it lived. I mean, it could have just disintegrated into the forest floor, but I love animals, and I wanted to, memory of this animal and I wanted to celebrate this animal so it sounds barbaric but you know

to harvest an animal you have to cut it right so I cut the paws off this bear and I waited until the flesh decomposed and I cut the claws out of the paws and I ended up taking the teeth out of the skull and I made a bear claw necklace that I have to this day it actually hangs in my bedroom right beside my pillow on my light. I have a light beside my bed and I have this necklace from my childhood and even though I didn't get into a fighting match

with a mountain lion this necklace is kind of like I don't know a rite of passage or it's just it's a symbol of a wild natural moment in my life and I didn't have to kill anything to do it. I don't believe in hunting and killing but it's probably similar how the, you know, the Hutu Warriors and the African Bushmen and people like that.

A lot of times a right of passage for a young man in a tribe, in an African tribe, was to go out and slay a lion and, you know, wear the claws and wear the teeth and things like that. Stuff that I don't really like, to be honest. But as I said, this animal was already dead. and so I went ahead and did that. And that necklace has a lot of symbolism to me. It's a very important part of my life. I look at it and it grounds me.

It reminds me of my youth. It reminds me of a time before the world was upon me. It was a time before I knew the evil ways or the big evil ways of the world and of mankind. and so looking at that necklace every day brings me back to a spot when maybe life was more wholesome and innocent

and you know we all have artifacts like that in our homes but anyways I always like the concept of duking it out with a wild animal being victorious of course and not necessarily killing the animal the way this guy did

but although talk about bragging rights. What'd you do? Oh, I won the Super Bowl. Oh, what'd you do? Oh, I wrestled a wild mountain lion to the ground and choked it to death while it was trying to kill me. Which one do you want? So, yeah, I always wanted to have that scar under my eye

and just be a badass, a mountain lion-killing badass. but it never happened So my Bear Claw and Bear Tooth necklace Will have to suffice Until the day the attack happens But I'll be ready, man I'll be ready

Choke, choke, choke, baby Coming to get you Mountain Lion Wheeo Mawin Hello Hello? Hey, Harland, how you doing? This is Cartoonic Jack. I hope you're having a good start to your new year. Well, I mean, it's February, so a month's gone by. But I hope the year's starting off good for you regardless. I had a fun question for you that I like to ask people. You've been in movies for quite some time, done quite a few acting things. So I was wondering, is there a movie that you really, really like, that you wish people. would have more appreciation for.

In my case, the one that I always bring up is I love the movie Toys with Robin Williams. I can watch that movie so many times, and it's one of the go-to ones where I'm like these effects in this movie and the stage design and the story is just always so much fun for me to watch. So that would be my pick,

but I wonder if you'd have a pick for a movie that you wish would get more attention and positive regard. Okay, good calling you, and hope you're doing well. Take care. Well, there's a good question from cartoonist Jack. Thank you, Jack, or cartoonist, if that's your first name. Maybe your last name's Jack, and your parents love the funnies,

and they said, let's call our boy cartoonist. Or maybe that's just a title, and your name's Jack. Either way, cartoonist Jack There's a couple of movies actually that come to mind that I really loved and was always saddened that they didn't perform better at the box office because I thought they were both incredible movies

One of them's an animated movie called the Iron Giant And the Iron Giant Kind of came out Just before the dawn of the whole CD G.I. Revolution. It kind of came out just before Toy Story and Shrek and

all those, all those, you know, when the big CGI animated films took over the universe. The Iron Giant, I think, came out maybe a year or two before that whole firestorm hit. And it's really a beautiful movie. In fact, I think

it was directed by, I want to say, Brad Bird, who the guy who directed the Incredibles, I think. Don't quote me on that, please, and thank you. But it was artistically, well, let's see. Yeah, director Brad Bird. And it only made $31 million. I say that as if, you know, $31 is a kick in the teeth.

But the movie cost $48 million to make. Okay. So obviously people didn't show up in droves to see it. And it's sad because it's really done well. From an artistic point of view, it was kind of cutting edge animation at the time. It was like kind of pseudo realistic animation, almost bordering on graphic novel type. And it's a story about this little boy who lives alone with his mother and he's lonely. And one day he's rummaging. around in the forest with his little toy rifle and he stumbles upon this giant robot made out of metal and and and the story sort of slowly incorporates the friendship of this boy with this iron giant and it it incorporates the relationship he has with his mother and his mother's boyfriend and then it sort of kind of weaves into this bigger story where it turns into you know the little guy against the world and it turns into a story about um the the big guy being misunderstood and the world trying to destroy something they don't understand and it's almost like a

king Kong story where this little boy and this giant robot form a love for each other you know a bonding type of friendship type of love and it's very um it's very emotional it's very moving and uh it's just beautiful to watch and the animation is great and the acting in the animation is great. The voice artists are great and it's kind of an interesting ending. It starts off kind of carefree and like a little boy's adventure and at the end it's I won't give it away but it's about saving the world for God's sakes. So I was always surprised that more people didn't go and see the Iron Giant. And even if you're an adult, it's one, one of those movies that will resonate with you.

Even though that type of movie seems like it's for a kid, even as an adult, you will enjoy watching it. It's visually stunning. And just the characters and the heart of the movie, the emotion in the movie is just the right tone. It's not too sappy, like overly Disney sappy. It's relatable because it's kind of, it's like with real life people.

It's not with like talking mushroom. and talking tortoises, and, you know, it's about real people and this weird creature that comes into their life. So I recommend it, man. That's my first one that I was surprised didn't do better. It was underrated. And then my next one is a live-action movie, and this movie kind of preceded all the superhero movies

from Marvel and D.C. It preceded the X-Men. and the Spider-Man movies and all that junk. And it was a movie called The Crow with Brandon Lee, Bruce Lee, the martial arts guy, his son, Brandon Lee. And the Crow movie was based on the graphic novel The Crow. And it came out in 1994, and it only made $50 million. Again, a lot of money, but not a lot when you hold it up next to any other superiors. hero movie or graphic novel movie.

I mean, these other movies, you know, the Spider-Man's and the X-Mans and the 300s and, I mean, these things are bringing in hundreds of millions of dollars. And the crow was just shot so beautifully. It was very kind of poetic. It's the story about a man and a woman who are murdered, who are madly in love, and the man can't fathom resting in the grave until he avenges the murders of his beautiful fiance and so he was a rock and roll musician

a songwriter and so he had kind of a poetic heart almost like a Jim Morrison from the doors and he comes back from the grave and one by one he picks off the vile scumbags that murdered and raped his beautiful fiance and it's a story about retribution and payback and comeuppance and and all that stuff and uh what i love about it it's not overly flashy the way a lot of a lot of comic book movies are these days it's it's very

dark and sultry and kind of sexy and and you know it's it's about a guy that that has superhuman strength but he just kind of like sulks in the shadows and he he appears out of a of a dark alley and he appears from a rooftop and and he just got kind of a real poetic kind of menace to him and before he kills his victims he kind of instills in them some kind of like deep word smithing it's just a real great fantasy of like literature and action and fantasy and and darkness and it was really done well and sadly the star of it

if you do decide to go and watch it as beautiful as the movie is and as great as Brandon Lee was in the lead role as the crow towards the end of the movie there was a stunt where the stunt involved Brandon Lee getting shot by a handgun

and the prop man who was in charge of the gun somehow didn't clean out the chamber and the prop gun was fully loaded. And so when they shot the scene, Brandon Lee was shot like four or five times in the chest. And he died making this movie. He was killed in the process of making this movie towards the end of the movie, thankfully.

And there was even a point in time. time where they weren't going to release the movie because it was such a morbid, horrible, horrific part of the movie. But thank God they did release the movie, and it just makes me sad because Brandon Lee, like, he really shined in this part, and I wanted to see more. And he had a real sensuality, and he had a real menacing kind of power and energy, and he had this look in his eyes. and this grin on his face

that was, he just, I don't know, if you watch his body language in the movie and the way he skulks around and the way his body moves and the way he fights and the way he crouches and jumps, it's really magical. And so this movie,

I don't know if it didn't do well because of the publicity surrounding his death. I feel like they kind of tapped down the publicity on the release of it because they were worried about being too insensitive on profiting from a guy dying in the movie. I'm just kind of speculating there, but I feel like I remember that kind of vibe in the air when it came out. So the movie underperformed financially, you know,

compared to how these types of movies do nowadays, right? So another one that I really loved, really, it's one of those ones I can watch again and again. And I think you really love it. So if you haven't seen the very first crow, they did a few crappy sequels afterwards with other actors, and it didn't work. None of them worked. But the first one, they nailed it. And if you want to have even more of a good time with the crow, I recommend. you find the original graphic novel, which I had read prior to the movie coming out.

And the original graphic novel of The Crow is really like, it's like a comic book mixed with a book of poetry and the macabra and the occult. And it's a real, you know, masterful mix of all those components. And so whenever a movie comes out based on something you read or saw, you're always like, oh, they're not going to do it justice. It's going to suck. It's never as good as the book. Well, the movie The Crow came out, and I was delighted.

It was one of those rare, rare movies that lived up, in my opinion, to the literature, the graphic novel in this case. And so it was just a win-win and really sad to know that the star was killed. But I got to tell you, the movie itself is about death and resurrection and revenge. and, you know, it's kind of a very mystical film in that regard. And the fact that Brandon Lee was killed in the movie, almost, and I don't want this to sound insensitive or too morbid, but in a way it adds to the mystique of this movie,

the death of Brandon Lee adds to the mystique of this movie that is about death and dying and coming back and murder and in a sense that he was murdered to a degree. I mean, I don't think it was maliciously, but he was killed by another human being right there on the set of a movie about being killed by other human beings. So it just adds to the kind of mystique and the enchantment of the whole crow kind of vibe, you know?

So there you go. Great question. And so the crow and the iron giant, are my two picks for movies that were kind of underperformed and underappreciated. I'm sure the people that saw them appreciated, but for whatever reason they never really got out there to the masses. So if you want to try and trust me and take my word for it, I hope I'm right, but I recommend both those movies,

check them out when you can. So thank you for your call. Mr. Cartoon, Mr. Cartoon Jack. And isn't that nice that one of my picks was a cartoon? I just realized that. You know, it's funny how the world works, how everything goes around in a circle. So there you go.

Thanks for the call. And let's move on, Rodge. What do we got? Hi. What the hell? Hi, it's me, Campfire Timmy. what the hell what Roger what how the hell

what's he doing in here I don't know how he got in here what are you talking about you're the guy in charge of the the room here you're the guy sitting in the booth you booked my guests why did you let him in here for God's sake I did not let him in good Lord what's the matter with you

what's the matter with me I'm in the middle of a podcast Timmy oh is that what you call it Sounds more like a toilet flushing and a hard chickapie log smashing against the toilet rim. A hard chickapie log. You heard me, Dimble Bimble. What the hell is a hard chippa, chippe log, you idiot? It's when an Indian goes to the toilet.

An Indian goes to the toilet. That's right. They do a chippo p log. What is a Chippopee? It's an Indian tribe, dummy. Don't call me dumb. It's a Chippeepie log. That's right. When an Indian drops a double deuce,

it's called a Chippeee log. And that's what you sound like when you talk. What the hell are you doing here, Timmy? Shut up, garbage dump teeth. Garbage dump teeth. That's right. You ever think about, buying a paint roller and rolling the shit off your mouth?

Watch your mouth, kid. Watch your fat ass, you blubbered tooth walrus. Kid, I'm not going to sit here and let you bust into... Thanks a lot, Roger. I'm not going to let you bust into my studio and take over and start being a doorknob. Why don't you slam your head in a door till it turns into salami, you fat, puffed-up bag of cheese farts?

kid? What? What do you want? I'm here to do campfire songs. It's the middle of winter. What are you talking about, Dorko?

Dorko? How about you suck Godzilla's clit? Suck Godzilla's clit. Yeah, get down on your knees and suck it like a Tokyo fireman. Suck it like a Tokyo fireman. Where do you come up with this stuff, kid? From your wife's face.

What are you talking about you're doing campfire songs? Well, I've never done any in the winter. So just because there's no kids at the camp doesn't mean there's stuff not happening at the camp so we can do campfire songs. What are you out of your mind? You're not supposed to be in here till the summer. Well, why don't you look out the window, dingle dump? Does it look like summer? You know what all that white stuff is?

It's called snow. Kind of like the dandruff around your bleached asshole. Watch your mouth, kid. I don't have dandruff around my bleak. I don't even have a bleached asshole. That's not what it says on the bathroom wall down at the shell station. What the... What are you doing?

I'm going to do some songs. About what? The wintertime at the campsite. Oh my. God, just when I didn't think it, hell could freeze over, you walk in with your stupid mental guitar. At least I can play an instrument. All you play is your fat pimply face in the mirror at night and pop zits like a lizard sucking spaghetti out of a piggy bank. What the, what does that even mean? You heard me. A lizard sucking spaghetti out of a piggy bag.

Biggie bank. Yeah, laugh all you want. Einstein's ass. Kid? Oh, my God. Do you know what? Do your stupid songs and get the hell out of my studio. It's about time.

Just shut up and do them and get out. I'll do them in my own sweet time. Why don't you go down to the clock shop and suck a cuckoo clock right up your cuckoo cock? suck a cuckoo clock up my cuckoo cock you heard me oh my do you're stupid what's your first song kid well at the campsite yes every summer we splash around in lake ninnawagnawog lake ninnawagnawag that's right okay but in the winter it becomes a freezy lake it becomes a what a Frizy Lake. A Frizy Lake. That's right. You can't just say a frozen lake?

It's a Frizy Lake. What planet are you from? Toasted grilled cheese sandwich? Twat! Oh my God, kid! Sing your stupid Frizy Lake song and get on with that. Okay, I am. Shut up so I can sing.

Hurry up. Shut up! Hurry you. ass up, Timmy. Shut your garbage bag lips. Fat Thundercloud tits. Oh my God. Fat Thundercloud tits, huh? That's right. Sing Freezy Lake and hurry up. Okay. One, two, one, two, three. Oh, it's wintertime, it's wintertime. The wind is blowing cold. The wind is blowing cold. A cold. A across the great big lake, but why's the lake not blue? Why's the lake not blue? Because the lake is white, it got frozen overnight. Oh, Freezy lake,

Freezy Lake, Freeze Lake, Freeze Lake, free Hurry up! Shut up! Eazy Lake! Are you done? Freezy Lake, no, crazy, like, no. Free, free, free, free, free, free, free, free, free, free.

Freezy, why. Oh, my God. Shut up. Holy crap kid Yeah your mouth smells like Holy crap Sounds like a school of nuns Took a chestnut loaf in your teeth

What the hell Freezy Lake That's right Good, are you done? No, I got two more I always do three Oh good Christ on a cranberry bun Yeah, that's right

You better get a cranberry bun What is your next song, Timmy? Well, every year when the camp closes and it's wintertime. Okay. They turn the canoes over. Okay, yes. So that's what this next song's about. It's a campfire song.

Oh, my God. Hurry up. Do it. Shut up! Do it! One, two, one, two, three. Oh, the snow is here Jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle

The snow is here Trinkle, trinkle, chink Trinkle, chinkle, chink Covered up canoos and Taffy Wait a minute, what? Covered up canoes and Taffy? It's a candy! What does Taffy have to do with covered up canoes?

It's a campfire song! Shut up! Oh, my God. Covered up canoes and taffy. Chewy, chewy taffy, covered up canoes. Snowflakes, they're a fallen. Uncovered up canoes, but what do's I do's? I chew some taffy in front of covered up canoes.

What do's I do's? That's right. Who wrote that lyric? I did. What do's I do's, covered up canoes, and Taffy? That's right. No wonder you'll stretch your face across a tennis net and suck a badminton racket up your ass.

Oh my God. Hurry up and do your last song, Timmy. Eat garbage bag farts. Hurry up! Okay, here it is. What's it called? It's a surprise, but a guy like you will probably really love it oh god hurry up and get it over with kid okay one two one two three four oh oh oh one two three one two three three four

suck my dick suck my mother fucking dick suck my mother fucking dick hold it hold it stop roger stop my motherfucking dick Suck, suck, stop, turn it off! Suck my motherfucking dick Suck it, suck it, suck it, suck it, turn it off! What the hell was that, Timmy? What? What? What the hell's song was that? It was a campfire song.

You do not say those words, you don't sing them, you don't say them. Oh, like you're not familiar with those words. Hot Tommy Timber Toes Timmy? That's it. I want you out of here? You do not. That was disgusting vile and rude.

You don't say those words. You don't sing about them. Oh, and who's going to stop me? You and your garlic bread fucking thunder teeth? Timmy! Suck my motherfucking dick! Tuck it! Timmy!

Get it! Roger? Turn off the music. God! Turn it off! What in the hell is wrong with you two? Sometimes I think you're working as a team for God's sake just to piss me off. Suck my...

Oh my God, that is about the most vile song this kid has ever played in here. Holy! You know what? Go to a commercial. I need to take a breath here. This is just... I'm gonna get... Good Lord.

Go to a commercial. God! Suck a mother fuck. Fresh is. A walk through the woods on an early spring morning. Fresh is a gentle breeze that takes you by surprise. Fresh is simple. With Summer's Eve. The most convenient disposable douche you can buy.

This exclusive one-piece unit means there's nothing to assemble. And it's available on two fragrances. or vinegar and water. The solution doctors recommend. With summer's eve, freshness has never been simpler. Oh, my God. You know, I talked about it last week. I gave you guys the bad news, you know,

tried to tell you a few episodes out, let you down easy that the Harland Highway is coming to an end. And as painful as it was to tell you that, you know, it's just something I had to do, something, it's time to move on, Try different ventures. But right away, I got a lot of mail emails from people and voice messages, and I'll play a few of them as we go along towards the end here.

Here's one by E.R.T. Weedy. He says, dude, I've been a pavement pounder since episode 20. I'm so sad the podcast is going away. It is without a doubt my favorite podcast. Please keep everyone up to date on what you'll be doing next. I seriously am going to have trouble with not laughing with you every week. Take care, bro, sefiosch. You'll be missed.

And if you're ever in Dallas, let me know I'd like to take you out for a beer and a big steamy pile of chicken chowmaine. And then he says, P.S. I was kind of banking on you doing this podcast forever. So what am I supposed to do with all these damn email addresses? And then I don't know if he's joking or if he actually bought all these email addresses, but they're all email addresses from characters I've done. Aunt Ruthie.calling Gmail, campfire.com, Timmy, Carl Flavors, gmail.com,

dead dude, Julia Childs, Dr. Ascot at gmail.com, Dr. Charles Asmunch. I'm Cinnamon Boy, and I love cinnamon at gmail.com. Kim Jong-ung at g-mail.com, Mr. Featherstone, Moongro Reservant, Gmail.com, Professor Rutherford Grimes, Papi Rabenheim, Samuel E. Quoq, Senor Fentes. Dennis LaPereireire. I don't even remember Dennis LaPereireire. Who's that? Lieutenant Tom Dowdy at gmail.com. So, oh, my God, just, God, you hear all those characters, and that's just some of them.

And yeah, it makes you sad. I'm going to be sad that I'm not doing it anymore. And I'm so grateful to you, E.R. Tweety, or Weedy, that you were a pavement pounder since episode 20. My goodness, that means you've been listening for probably over six, seven years. So it is sad that it's going away. And thank you for saying it's your favorite podcast. I mean, there's so many podcasts out there to be classified as your favorite.

favorite is a high compliment sir i i take that with a great gratitude um and uh you know just like i said i'm i'm moving on putting my focus on some other endeavors that uh you know i've done this for i think almost 10 years and it's it's been a ton of fun but i'm at a point where i'm like i just want to kind of expand my horizons and and branch out into something fresher and newer. And who knows? This is a little hint, but I might come back as a new podcast. Completely different style, completely different format, completely different structure. That is something that I've thrown around in my head. I can't leave this podcast without knowing that I gave it my very best effort. I mean, nine, ten years, that's a lot of effort right there. So as I said,

it never really caught on the way I wanted. And that's not really why I'm ending it. I'm really ending it because it was fun for me. It made me laugh. It was creative. It was a lot of work. But, you know, you get to a point where it starts to feel like familiar territory. And even though I can keep doing it and making it funny,

it's not as challenging to me as it once was or it's not as fresh to me as it once was. And I'm the type of guy that always wants to kind of try new things. and get my blood pumping and do something that's a little more fresh. Now, I could do this till the day I die and still have a blast with it. But why not try other things, you know? So maybe I'll come back as another incarnation. I don't know. But, again, thank you so much for, you know, saying what you said.

Here's another one by another pavement pounder, another email from John Marcus. It says, wow, Harland, you were one of the first and were the best. You truly had the best show by far, so thank you. It seemed like a huge amount of time and effort went into it. You will be missed. But God bless you and onward and upwards. You rock my final chicken chowmaine. Did you crap your nappies, as Dr. As Scott used to say.

Thanks, friend, John Marcus. Well, John, thank you for the kind words. I'm so glad that you enjoyed the show, that it brought you some joy and some happiness. And that's what it was all about, man. Just to, you know, make people laugh. Let's do another email. Here's a, oh, well, here's a, I guess this Mr. Weedy really did buy these Gmail sites

because here's an actual email from Samuel E. Quoak at gmail.com. So good work, Mr. Weedy. I guess you were hoping to maybe cash in and sell me the websites or the domain names or something one day. I don't know what you were planning to do. But in the voice of Samuel E. Quowk, he wrote, ending the podcast. Do you mind? I listen and appeared on the podcast and had my friends listen. There was one, Mary, who particularly enjoyed the content. We'd sit and listen to the show, gazing deeply into each other's eyes. She leaned in for a kiss and slipped her few, and slipped, her beautiful face bouncing off the table over and over again, like tribal drives. comes, slipping down off the table towards the fireplace, her lovely lacy clothes, certainly the most flammable thing in the room, her voice intoxicating as she runs screaming throughout the house. Well, that was sort of a half-ass attempted Samuel E. Quote, but, so the Samuel E. Quok imposter just wrote me about the, um, the, uh, the dingle dangle, the podcast ending. So let's do one more, Roger.

You know, I figure if people hung in all these years and now that it's ending, they deserve to have their say. Here's an email from Levi Allen. She says, Harland, after hearing you're not doing the podcast anymore, I was depressed. So I said to myself, what the hell am I going to do now? lately I've heard about emotional support animals so I decided to get one I got a 2.2 pound brown trout named Brownie

I birthed them right after I heard the news people have been giving me weird looks when I'm out and about with him but I don't care Brownie makes me smile you sure it's not a Chippikawa log oh my God and he says serious love you Harland I'm really bummed about the news I hope you change your mind and maybe can do it once a month. This is the only podcast I like. You're the best comedian ever and the best podcaster ever.

Just because everyone has a podcast now doesn't mean anything. Nobody else is Harland Williams. Please don't stop. Brownie sends his love. Love Levi from Denver. Well, Levi, again, thank you for the kind words, man. And I know, I'm sorry. I hate the idea of letting you guys.

down and stopping and not doing the podcast anymore. And the wonderful kind words you said mean so much to me. And you know what? Keep the channel open. Don't delete it. It doesn't cost you anything to leave it open. So I have a feeling every now and then when I'm bored or I have some extra time on my hands. I'll sit down and crank out a random episode of the Harland Highway. I can't promise it, but I have a funny feeling every now and then you're just going to get a notification and you're going to be like, what the hell? A Harland Highway episode? What? And there you'll have one, just for old time's sake. So keep it open. And also keep it open just so that if I, when I do start doing something new, I will definitely alert you guys on the Harland Highway channel. So thank you so much. And we also got,

We've been getting some phone calls from people about the podcast ending, and we'll get to those on the next show. But as you can tell, my voice is a bit shaky. I'm emotionally disturbed after Camp Fire Timmy was in here and pretty much mine raped me. What a dork. So, Roger, let's close up the show. We're almost at an hour here anyways, and we'll be back next week. for episode 983 as we wind down and get ready to close the door, close the toll booth on the Harland Highway podcast.

But up until then, it's still going to be the best it can be, quality, campfirey, and forget it. All right, we'll see you next time, gang. Thanks for being here. Thanks for your letters and your phone calls. And until next time, chicken. Oh man, baby? You fat puffed-up bag of cheese farts?