The Harland Highway - 985 - BUZZ ALDRIN 2nd man on the MOON calls in. Crazy news/food story. Harland reviews a GREAT new documentary.

Episode Date: March 11, 2019

BUZZ ALDRIN 2nd man on the MOON calls in. Crazy news/food story. Harland reviews a GREAT new documentary. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hi, everybody. Welcome to the Harlem Highway. I hope you have a very good time. What the hell was that voice? Ew. It's like Rain Man swallowed Tweety Bird. Hey, it's Harlan Williams. Welcome to the Harlan Highway, as that freaky voice just said. What a show we have for you today. Oh, my God, or OMG, as the texters say. We have a crazy news story, man. Oh, my God. This one's going to turn your stomach. This one is going to shake the foundations of your trust in your fellow human beings and turn your stomach.

Also, I'm going to tell you about a great documentary I saw. We're going to open the show with that. I went to a fabulous documentary about something that was big and magnificent and changed the world. and I'm going to tell you all about it and try to convince you to go see this amazing documentary. And then at the tail end of the show, what a treat. We have the second human being to ever land on the moon. Buzz Aldrin, astronaut Buzz Aldrin is going to call the show

and talks to us about his experiences on the moon. You're not going to get that at any other podcast. But that's because this is the one and only, Heartland Highway How do you know my name? It's on the marriage certificate I've never seen you before in all my life Hold onto your airbag

You're heartless Heartless monsters All of you through and through You're riding down the Harland Highway Oh yeah When you see a fallen star That means a witch has just died.

You clumsy idiot? The Harland Highway. Oh, I want is to hear people say something again and to see people moving again. I'm Floyd Bernie, a rockabilly boy. Don't you understand? You're listening to Harlan Williams. I can't be your daughter. I'm a machine.

Man, you've been dead a thousand years. By George, I think he's got it. You're riding down the Harland Highway with Harlan Williams. What's up, Doc? Mr. if you're going to lose, you're going to lose right now. Don't leave me here! Oh, don't leave me here! And when you say don't leave me here, do you mean planet Earth?

Right? How's that for a leading question on the old Harland Highway? Huh? Yeah, here's why I say it, gang. So last night I'm sitting around and I'm writing. I'm, you know, writing away on a script, and I'm getting cabin fever, right? I've been writing a lot lately. I've been turning in some movie scripts, and I'm, you know, doing this and doing that.

And I'm just antsy, and I want to get out. I want to get my mind off of thing, so I'm thinking I'll go get some chick-fil-A. But then, you know, just, you know, every Friday new movies come out. And so I thought, I'll just see what's out. And sure enough, like right down the street, there's a documentary about Apollo 11. And it's only like an hour and a half long, right? So I'm like, okay, that won't take up my whole night. I'll go get some chickfil-a.

I'll dip in and see the movie and then get back to my writing, right? So little, little, you know, distraction for my mind, you know. And so, you know, I've always been fascinated with the Apollo 11. not just the 11, but the whole space program is fascinating to me. So I go see this documentary. It was put together funded by CNN documentary films. And, oh my God, please, please, I urge you all to go and see this movie. Oh, my God.

It's called Apollo 11, and it's basically, it's documentary footage, real footage of the first landing on the moon. any human being ever in the history of the world. I mean, think about it. That is such an astronomical thing to say. It's the footage, the film and video footage of a human being, three of them actually, leaving our planet for the first time ever, and going up to step on another, Entity. Another solid surface, if you will. I don't believe the moon is considered a planet. It's a moon. It's not technically a planet.

And maybe it was at one time. Maybe it's a dead planet. Maybe it's just a giant asteroid. But whatever it is, I don't know the history of the moon. Excuse me. I'm just a podcaster, man. I don't know these things. but the concept of of human beings traveling like 200,000 miles or 300,000 miles or whatever it is and making it successfully and landing on this little dot out in the vast endless galaxy that has no ending as far as we know. I mean, are you kidding me? I mean, it's just, it blows your mind. And this is such a riveting documentary. I urge you to go see it in the theater because it's such a big spectacle.

It's outer space. It's when you see the rocket ships taking off and the jets igniting and the fire and the explosions coming out. And just to see the astronauts, Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin and the other guy, I think his name's Taylor maybe. I forget his name or Anderson. There was three of them that went. and two of them actually landed on the moon on half of the spacecraft and stepped on the moon. Well, the third astronaut went around the moon over and over, waiting for them to finish, and then he had to pick them up once they finished their lunar mission.

And that's something I didn't really realize. I thought all three of the astronauts landed on the moon on a rocket ship, and then they lifted off when they were done. but what happened is the rocket ship that went to the moon was in two pieces and half of it disengaged from one half landed on the moon with Buzz Aldrin and Neil Armstrong well the other one circumnavigated the moon I think about 42 times and waited for them and then once they were done they got back in their rocket ship or spacecraft and they blasted off back into the moon's atmosphere or gravity and

they docked with the other piece of the spaceship that was circling the moon. It's absolutely stunning. Like they had to dock the nose of their spaceship into a hole about the size of like, you know, like a wishing well, like a not a great big hole, like probably a hole like five or six feet wide. They had to connect. It's almost like, picture yourself plugging a plug into a wall socket. They had to plug back in together. Here they are.

300,000 miles from Earth. You can see Earth way in the distance. You know how when we're on Earth and we see the moon up in the sky? Well, that's where these guys were at the moon, and you can see the Earth in the background. And so in the vastness of space, these guys, in order to live, in order to get back home, this five-foot-wide circle had to connect with the nose of the spaceship that lifted off of planet Earth, off of the moon, sorry.

And, oh, my God, it's just so riveting. It's amazing. But beyond the actual feat of getting to the moon, what really, I mean, it's mind-blowing. When you watch it, you go, why wasn't this documentary made like 30, 40 years ago? I think people forget what a feat that was. And back then, the technology was really kind of basic computers and radios and cameras and cameras and like a lot of that stuff was really basic. Think about it. This happened in the 60s, okay?

The 1960s. And now they say that our cell phones have like quadrillionth the technology of, you know, of all the technology that went into the space program, like into the rocket ships and the command centers. They say our simple cell phones have way more technology than that stuff. And yet these guys went to the moon on this kind of early pioneering technology, computers and radar and who knows what else. And you go, how did they make it?

And then when you look at the way the rocket ship was built, You can see the welding You can see the bolts You can see that you're like This thing's almost like like a tin can It's like kids put it together almost It's not that bad But it you just go wow

And then literally What's amazing about the documentary Literally like Four hours before they were lifting off To go to the moon The astronauts were loaded into the spacecraft And there was a loose hose or some kind of widget was loose on the bottom of the rocket ship.

And there's like three guys down there with a wrench tightening bolts. And you're like, what that? Like if there's anything loose on a rocket ship these days, they scrub the mission. They abort, man. If there's any little leak or any, but these, yeah, we got a leak on pipe number 53. Go on down there with the wrench and tighten it up there, Houston. It's just like, you're like, what? And these guys pulled it up.

I don't want to give away the whole movie. I mean, you know the ending, of course, but I don't want to tell you every little detail because it'll spoil it for you, but you got to go see it. And there are some things that really blew my mind about it. One of them was, you know, the enormity of this mission, to get to the moon, to successfully get to the moon

and know the math and the science and the physics and all this stuff, the aeronautics. I mean, it's just all the pieces that come together to make this improbable event happen at all, let alone successfully, is just a mind-blower, right? And so that was one aspect of the movie that I won't go on about because I want you to go see it. But was really, two other things really stuck out in my mind. One was when you look at the archival footage from the 60s. And remember, I'm Canadian, man.

okay but what I watched in that footage that moved me so much and you know I'm an American now I've since you know become a citizen so I'm an American now too but most of my life I was Canadian and I'm still Canadian but I'm American too but one of the things you'll see in the in the footage that really is is amazing it's wonderful but at the same time it's sad, is you see a country of people, American people, together, unified, happy as a cohesive working unit, patriotic, proud, happy, engaged, interested, invested in their country. And you see people waving American flags and you see people cheering and you see people collectively as one country being American

and coming together as Americans and being American and yes there was there was things going on in the world that weren't good like Vietnam and the civil rights movement and you know Ted Kennedy with that whole thing where he killed the girl when he drove his car off the bridge drunk

and so there was the bad things but you saw this this event that really showed off Americans being together and being as one and being proud and raising their national unity up into the air and waving the flag. And when the astronauts planted the American flag on the moon, oh my God, it's just so moving and warming and fulfilling and in contrast to today where, you know,

you have people kneeling for the, you know, kneeling during the national anthem and disrespecting the flag. And I'm not saying that their causes aren't worthy or whatever. I'm not getting into the politics of that. I'm just talking about how there's so much division now, you know. And it's just sad to think that there's people that don't respect the flag and people that protest the flag and people around the world that will burn the flag. and even people in America that will burn the flag.

And people in America that think if you embrace the flag nowadays, there's even hints that you could be a racist. If you like the American flag or if you talk too proudly about America, you're a racist or you're something. It's just so disheartening to see that, you know, the country was once so kind of wholesome in and kind of proud and unified. And now it just seems every time you turn on the news,

whether it's Fox or CNN or MSNBC, there's somebody disparaging the flag or somebody's not happy with the flag or somebody's pissed off in America or, you know, it's not American to do this or say that. Like nobody knows how to be American anymore. You know what I mean? Everyone's so scared. Everyone's so scared to say anything.

Everyone's so scared to have an opinion. everybody's so scared to do anything everyone's so eager to label you everything's so un-American no matter what you do you know certain certain people aren't allowed to wear certain clothing or they're not American certain people can't say things or do things and and uh you know i'm not talking about uh trumpers i'm talking about everyone hey everybody who wants to have better sex no yes yes the answer is yes You always want to have better sex. That's what, you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me.

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Don't throw your back out. You know, it's just become, I don't know, it's just become really divided and really sort of angry. And I suggest no matter what, you know, what your leanings are politically or societally or whatever leanings you have.

I hope you'll go to this movie and not just see the accomplishment of getting to the moon, but also get a glimpse into the past of when the United States just at least on its surface had the appearance of being much more just wholesome and together, you know, even though, yes, there was things going on in the background. But I don't know. It was just so nice to see. And a few other observations, interestingly enough, in the movie, you rarely saw an overweight person. Remember, this was filmed in the 60s.

Keep your eye out for that when you're watching the movie. You'll be hard-pressed to see not only someone overweight, you know, like obese, but even someone like mildly overweight. almost all the people in the movie are thin and healthy looking and they have the proper dimensions and you know there's a few people but overall if you look at that you don't see obese children you don't see obese adults i mean everybody just kind of looks really overall healthy and you go this was before all the junk food and the candy and the crap you know this was before all the junk food places on every corner.

And you just go, wow, look at that, you know. And everyone just kind of looked a lot more, a lot more like, I don't know, like well-dressed. And you didn't get the sense that people were crazy and nuts and self-involved. And you know what I mean? It just seemed like there was a unity to everything. You know? Now, another observation I saw in the film, and this was probably just because of the times, you know, this was, this was, you know, very, this was well, you know,

well, equal rights were going on for black people and minorities in the country. So you'll notice in the movie there's, you hardly see any African American or Latino or Asian people. It's very strange. It's very strange. It's mostly white people and mostly men, which is it's very odd to see because that's not representative of how America looks these days. And I don't just mean at NASA where they're doing all the work, there's a lot of footage of citizens like camping and watching the lift off and big groups of people at the edge of the ocean waiting for the rocket to lift off. And you look at that crowd, that landscape of people, and it's mostly predominantly white. It's very interesting to see because, you know, you don't see that anymore, you know.

And the comment I'll make about all the people, though, regardless of their race, is there was kind of a uniformity. Like, people were, they were well-dressed and they were well-groomed, and they wore, like, you know, nice white shirts and black, ties and people seem to be well dressed. And for the few ethnic people I did see in the footage, they fit in accordingly, just the same. Like there's a few African American people, there are a few Asian people. And everyone, regardless of race or creed or anything, everyone was kind of dressed the same. And so everyone kind of felt like a group, like blacks, whites, Asians, and it was just needed. It felt like, oh, there's America when it just felt more wholesome, and everyone was

kind of together and had respect for each other. And it just, I don't know, it felt, this is a weird word to use, but it just felt like plighter. You watch the footage and go, look how plight everyone seems. You know, everyone just seems to be fitting in together, you know, the black people, the white people, the Asian people. I don't know if I saw any, I think there was some Latino people, but it's hard to tell. It was mostly white.

But like I said, regardless of who was there, there was like a unity, you know? And if you cut to that same picture today, it would be a lot more diverse, which is great. But back then, it was just the sign of the times, right? But everyone was kind of acting the same and rejoicing and excited about this trip to the moon. And what's really great about it is that, you know, even though the United States were the first ones to get to the moon, and this was a, you know, a project made possible by the scientific research and the wherewithal and the money of America and its citizens and its students and its scientists and all the rest of it, America had the right to boast. and America had the right to make claim that we were the first on the moon. But you know what I found really interesting is that even though it was about America getting to the moon, the astronauts and the citizens of America and even the president,

who was Richard Nixon at the time, made sure that it wasn't just about the United States. America did what it always does and kind of said, hey, this is an American ingenuity, but this is something for the world. This is something for the human race. And that includes all people, black, white, Asian, Latino, Norwegian, German, Irish, you know, everybody, everybody. And it just, it really warmed your heart to know that. And I want to play for you an incredible phone call. This is almost unbelievable.

This is another piece of technology that boggles my mind. And it's just one of many you'll see when you watch the movie. While the astronauts were on the moon, okay, and filming, by the way, somehow they were beaming back live TV footage of the landing, which blows my mind, the president of the United States, Richard Nixon at the time, was able to make a phone call to the moon and congratulate the astronauts, Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin, for walking on the moon, being the first humans to walk on the moon. Doesn't that blow your mind? He made a phone call to the moon. So I want to play you this phone call because it's fascinating, and it really does play into what I was saying about how this was an event that was done by the Americans, but it was really for the whole world.

It was for all of mankind. And the beauty of it is, like I said, that the president and the president and the United States made a point. They went out of their way to say that this is for all of us. And it's just a beautiful phone call. And it shows you how something like this can unify all of us and remind us how we're all just one group of people, regardless of skin color and religion. We're all the same on this little dot called Earth. So without further ado, Raj, play the phone call. This is fascinating. This is Richard Nixon. talking live to Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin as they stand on the surface of the moon.

Play it, Raj. A tranquility base. This is Houston. Can we get both of you on the camera for a minute, please? Neil and Buzz, the president of the United States is in his office now, and we'd like to say a few words to you're over. That would be in honor. Go ahead, Mr. President. This is Houston out. Hello, Neil and Buzz. I'm talking to you by telephone from the oval room at the White House, and this certainly has to be the most historic

telephone call ever made from the White House. I just can't tell you how proud we all are of what you have done. For every American, this has to be the proudest day of our lives, and for people all over the world, I am sure that they too join with Americans in recognizing what an immense speak this is. Because of what you have done, the heavens have become a part of man's world. And as you talk to us from the sea of tranquility, it inspires us to redouble our efforts to bring peace and tranquility to earth. For one priceless moment, in the whole history of man, all the people on this earth are truly one.

one in their pride in what you have done, and one in our prayers that he will return safely to Earth. Thank you, Mr. President. It's a great honor and privilege for us to be here of presenting not only the United States, but end of peace of all nations, and with interest and that curiosity and the vision for the future.

Honor for us to be able to participate here today. And thank you very much, and I look forward, all of us look forward, to seeing you on the Hornet on Thursday. Wow. I mean, isn't that amazing? And if you're kind of, like, intrigued by hearing that, and your kind of, your interest is stimulated by my last, like, you know, 20 minutes talking about it, go see this movie. I mean, you, it's absolutely riveting.

You will, you'll be reminded of the ingenuity of Americans and how great the country is. Not that you've forgotten, but you'll see it, you'll see it in a fresh new light. It's like a breath of fresh air and you go, wow, look, look what we can do. Look what this country can do collectively and, you know, in the long run for the world, for mankind. It's just kind of the word I use is riveting. You just sit there the whole movie and you're just like, wow. And I think a lot of people forgot this ever happened.

Or people, you know, some of the younger people might not even be aware of it. Or even if they're aware of it, they must say, oh, yeah, they went to the moon. Yes. So, like, you have to remember what a monumental moment this was. And so I won't go on about it more and more. because I don't want to, like, ruin it for you or create too much expectation. But on so many levels, for entertainment, for education,

for scientific reasons, for fascination reasons. I mean, there's just so many reasons to go see this movie and get immersed in it. And I'll be interested to see if you see things, you know, all the things that I noticed, and you'll see your own things, of course. But there's a lot of really interesting level. to this movie. So go check it out. It's called Apollo 11. Check your local movie theaters. It's a

documentary. So chances are it won't stay in the theaters very long. The documentaries don't usually have a long shelf wife. So if you can get there this weekend or someone within the next two, three weeks, I have a feeling that's about as long as it'll be out there. And yes, you can see it for free on your television eventually. But I'm telling you this, this footage is so magnificent and it's such a big thing. We're talking about giant 300 foot rockets and we're talking about blasting off into space and landing on the moon. And you see it all, man. You see it from the moment they take off to the moment that the ship's like slowly descending. They're 30 fate, 20 fate, 10 fate. We've just touched down on, you know, it's like, you're just like, wow. And even though

you know the outcome of it, you're still just like holding your breath going, Whoa. So anyways, check it out. I hope you like it. And there you go. Let's move on to things here on this planet, shall we, Raj? Today, the United States is engaged in a gigantic effort to send men to the moon. For this effort, Pillsbury has developed many special foods.

Here is the first one to be made available to the public. Space Food Sticks. To meet the demands of a long spaceflight, space food sticks had to be a compact, nutritious, high-energy food. That's why they make the perfect between-meal energy snack. Energy for hard play. Energy for hard work.

Lasting energy to feel alive. If that sounds better than some of the things your family fills up on between meals, you should try space food sticks for good nutrition and lasting energy in a chewy, tasty snack food. Chocolate, caramel, and peanut butter. About 44 calories. At your grocer's next

to the instant breakfast section. Space food sticks, the energy snack from U.S. Aerospace Research and Pillsbury. The Harland Highway. Crazy news stories. That's weird. Wow. That's strange stuff. All right.

Here we go. Got to do it. I don't know where these people come from, but here's today's crazy news. headline. You know, it's just so funny. We have the ingenuity and the brilliance to go to the moon and then people like this show up. Here's the headline. Ready? Tennessee man accused of dipping testicles in customers salsa. So going to the moon and a guy swinging his balls into somebody's salsa. I mean, let's read this story.

A Tennessee man is accused of dipping something other than chips into a customer's salsa. Howard Webb, 31, was with a driver for dinner delivered, a food delivery service on January 12th when he allegedly put his testicles in an order of salsa that a customer had ordered from a Mexican restaurant. restaurant, in Maryville, wherever that is. Oh, God. Webb, in a video published by the news station,

is seen seemingly putting his testicles in a cup of salsa. Someone else in the vehicle identified as the delivery driver has heard giggling and saying, this is what you get when you give an 89-cent tip for almost a 30-minute drive. quote, oh, it feels good on my testicles web replies. Oh, my God, I got to play this. There's a video here. Let me see. Let me see if you can hear it.

This is just ridiculous. This is what you get when you give an 80 cents tip for an almost 30 minutes drive. This is what you can't. Oh, my God. So let me explain the video. There's two of them in the car, a guy and a girl. The guy's a white dude sitting in the passenger seat. He opens up a styrofoam, like a small styrofoam container of salsa with a lid on it, a takeout lid,

pulls his shorts open or pulls his pant, his track pants down or whatever. and dips his nuts in the salsa and then puts the lid back on. He's like, oh, my God, it feels good on my balls. Good Lord, people. I mean, first of all, salsa's spicy, okay? I think I told you a few podcasts back, like a few months ago, how I accidentally got Ben Gay. You know, Ben Gay, the penetrating lotion you put on sore muscles.

I told you how I accidentally got some on my little bouncy balls. Yeah, it wasn't fun, man. So I can only imagine what, like, you know, some tangy hot sauce, salsa with onions and jalapeno peppers. What are you nuts, dude? Either you're going to burn your balls forever or when your kids come out like they're going to be wearing sombreros or something.

I mean, you're going to sizzle your sperm, bro. They're going to come out. Who knows how they're going to come out? But who does that over a tip? So let's keep reading here. Dinner was delivered. Dinner delivered addressed the video on Facebook, writing that the driver web was a rogue independent contractor.

So dinner delivered is the name of the food delivery service. I use a place called Postmates, and it's interesting because I do think about that sometimes. I go, you know, they're bringing me a glass of soda. You know, McDonald's, they just put it in a cup and they put the plastic lid on it with a straw, right? I mean, it's not a sealed thing, like a bottle or a can. So I've often wondered, gee, did my driver ever take a sip?

Did my driver ever open it and do anything? Could my driver put a drop of acid into my, you know, you don't know. You're putting a lot of faith in someone like picking up your food and driving it to your house and delivering it. and it's funny before I ever saw this story I thought about that because it's just human nature to sometimes not be trusting of people

and you hear stories like this prior to this one of people doing weird things to food and now it's like making me even more paranoid to get food delivered creepy what's even more creepy is they filmed it are they idiots who films themselves dipping their nuts

in hot salsa, well, on a delivery for a food service delivery company. Maybe this guy should dip his brain in some smarts. How about that? A big bowl of intelligence. How about that, idiot? Oh, you bend down and dunk your head in a big, fat, overflowing tub of intelligence, stupid. Good God.

Let's keep going. There's more to this story. The unidentified food delivery driver engaged in criminal behavior that has resulted in Eden decent acts performed to customers' orders, as well as unverified claims of inserting poisonous substances inside customers' drinks, the company said. See, I just talked about that. The drink containers are wide open. And I'm wondering if fast food chains or any restaurant now is,

going to have to come up with an alternate way to have drinks delivered, because that's the most susceptible, right? I think that's the one you could tamper with the most easily. And so for all you entrepreneurs out there, all you inventors, this is from me to you, maybe you want to invent a tamper-proof fast food cup for soda, right? So maybe it's a cup that comes pre-sealed, it's an empty cup, a molded plastic or paper cup that comes pre-sealed, and the fast food chain has to insert the liquid through the hole in the top and then seal it somehow, or maybe the top turns. Like, it's kind of like, you know, those tops they have on the top of pill bottles, right?

It's kind of like one of those. It has to be, you can tell if it's been tampered with or not. not, right? So just something there for some of you people that want to make a trillion dollars from me to you. Just, you know, cut me in for 10%. And that's your idea right there. I'm telling you, man, in this new world of delivery companies, you're going to sell that product. So just be honest. Make your trillions, but cut me in for 10%. Thank you. So let's finish. this story up here. The delivery service wrote that it reported the driver to

law enforcement authorities. Apparently, the guy was arrested and charged with adulteration of food, liquids, or pharmaceuticals. Okay, that's a new one to me. I knew people could be adulterers. I didn't know

you could be an adulterer to food. Does that include, like, adolescents and teenage boys who carve a hole in a watermelon? Or, uh, you know, you saw that movie American Pie where the kid, uh, put his Yee into the, uh, warm, freshly baked cherry pie right out of the oven? I mean, God. You know, just us humans, man. You know, it's almost a miracle we got to the moon.

When you think of the dopey shit we do, the dumb things we do, I mean, that's another reason to love that movie because you go, my God, for all the ridiculous, stupid things human beings do and are capable of, day in and day out, there's way more of those stories than there are moon stories. Thank God, we have a small group of people that are working on something meaningful and pushing the boundaries of human existence and forging into the future. It's quite amazing. And on that note, you'll see when you go see the movie, Buzz Aldrin actually gives a really cool speech about human beings, you know, chasing, it's wired into our DNA for human beings to be explorers. I tried to find that clip somewhere on the internet, but I couldn't find it. But when you go see the movie, it's a very moving

little clip that Buzz Aldrin actually delivers from inside the Apollo 11 when they're on their journey to the moon. So, so anyways, there you go. The yin and the yang, the right ball and the left ball. Going to the moon or pulling down your pants and showing your moon and dipping it in piping hot salsa. What a dip wad. All right, let's move along.

What? Someone's calling? Who? Get out. You got to be kidding me. Buzz Aldrin is calling the second man to ever step on the moon what the hell no way do yes I want to Rogers asking me if I want to talk to him in my head piece here yes we want to talk to Buzz Aldrin I mean the whole front end of

the show was about his his journey oh my God this is unbelievable yes put him through right away. Oh, my God. Let's see. I'm almost tongue-tied. Buzz Aldrin must have been listening to the podcast, and he's calling in to talk about what we were talking about going to the moon. Put him through. Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God. Hello, Buzz, are you there? Hello, Mr. Williams. This is Buzz Aldrin. How are you? Oh, my God. Sir, you have no idea how, how. phenomenal this is to talk to you. I'm kind of losing my mind here. Well, just keep it together there, soldier, and we're going to get through this. We're going to talk about it. It was an

important mission I was on. Are you kidding me? It was monumental, and this movie I just recently saw just drove that home to the oonth degree. Wow, I almost don't know where to begin. Well, something of this magnitude, Mr. Williams, it's really, it's hard to get your head around. A lot of people can't. And you've got to remember that we left the earthly plane and ventured off into the magnitude of the cosmos. And we were kind of like a needle in a haystack.

We were aiming for a small dot in the sky. Who knows if we were going to overshoot it, if we were going to collide with it, uh whether the uh the apparatus would fail on mid mission we just there were so many unknown so many variables to take into account uh it's almost mind-numbing it really is sir and can i just tell you what an honor it is to have you on on the podcast when roger signaled me were calling in i just about lost my mind well i you know it's interesting uh the reaction i get from from from citizens around the country

and I dare say around the world it's I guess you know as I hear from people I meet it's not every day you meet a man who stepped on the moon it really just to talk to a man who stepped on the moon is

freaking me out this is unbelievable I have so many questions well let's get into it because you know I love to talk about this I love to spread the message. I love to educate people about it because to me, this wasn't just a mission that happened in the 1960s, an isolated mission. This was the stepping stone for the beginning of a great

human adventure. Well, yes, as your comrade, you know, Neil Armstrong said, one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind. sir buzz yeah what was what was that last part you said your your partner uh buzz uh Neil Armstrong said yeah yeah I know I know what he said uh you know I don't know we need to hear you know that old thing over and over again

um the the thing where he walked he was the first guy to step on the moon You know, Mr. Williams, if we could just stick with the questioning here, and I have a lot of stories to tell. Well, why don't we start with that first one, Buzz? You know, being the second man to step on the moon must have been just invigorating. Why? Okay, okay, yeah, I was the second man to step on the moon. You had to just put that in there, did you?

I'm sorry, sir? No, I saw what you did. You just injected that into the dialogue there, the second. And I noticed you kind of hit it. You hit a little hard, the second man on the moon. Sure, I picked up on that. No, no, no, no. Well, you were the second, right?

You know, yeah. Yeah, I was the second man on the moon. What's your point? No buzz. I just meant I'm just, you know, in the crime. Chronological order, the thing, things happened, I... Did you have some questions for me here or not? Okay, once you're on the surface of the moon, can you describe how it felt, how the texture?

I always wondered, what did it feel like underneath your feet? Well, it was very sort of dusty and spongy. It was like stepping on, I don't know if you've ever seen insulation. an attic, the pink insulation. It was almost like stepping on a sheet of that. It just kind of squished down and pliable and very soft. Not what we expected at all. We thought it would be a lot rougher. Wow. And I got to say one of the most historical footprints that'll probably be one of the most historical photographs in the entire history of humankind is that that footprint, that first footprint of Neil Armstrong took a picture of his first step on the lunar surface.

All right, so we're jumping right back to Neil Armstrong here, are we? Well, no, I was talking about Neil's footprint. The first one, meaning what, mine was the second? No, buzz. What I meant was, let me tell you something about Neil Armstrong. I'm sure you're dying to hear about him. Actually, it would be, oh, let me finish. I don't know if you know this or not, but Neil Armstrong, okay?

The number one, you know, this doesn't get reported, but I was there. I saw it. He cut his spacesuit open on a space rock. Wait, what? He cut his suit open. That's right. He cut his suit open, and he got a laceration on his arm. and uh he uh he uh he he he got AIDS

what pardon me sir yeah you heard me Neil Armstrong contracted AIDS on the moon what are you talking about sir he he kind of said we don't know what's on the moon do we I think that's safe to assume nobody knew what was on the moon well no that's why you guys went exactly so What I'm here to tell you today, and I've never said this before, but your first man on the moon, he got space aids.

What are space aids, sir? Well, did I just tell you, or did I not just tell you? He cut his goddamn suit open on a, on a rigid edge of a space of a moon rock, and it cut through his suit, and it cut into his splash, and he got, uh, he got moon aids. But moon, what did he, sir? Well, if he cut his suit open, wouldn't he, like, instantly freeze it at that? I mean, aren't you in multiple sub-zero temperatures up there in space? Oh, so now you're the rocket scientist.

I'm the guy that went all the way up there and landed on the moon. Well, second. Jesus Christ, I landed, get out. I was only about 30 seconds behind them, okay? Well, I'm just, I'm trying to keep the record clean here, Buzz. Well, let me tell you, well, we're keeping the record, Claire, are we now, smart guy?

No, I'm just, sir. No, no, no, you want to keep the records? Well, guess what? Okay, when we got back to Planet Earth and we had to go to an isolation chamber for 32 days, I'm sure you knew that. Actually, yes, this was in the documentary.

And they ran physical tests on myself and your boy, Neil Armstrong, and the other guy. Oh, wow. And guess who came back with an abrupt case of, uh, uh, crater herpes? What, sir? Yeah, you heard me. Your guy, number one, yeah, he walked into a moon crater there and got herpes all over him. What are, did you say crater herpes, sir? Yeah, you heard me. He's got crater herpes

and he got vaginal warts on his legs. What are you saying? Here we go, then your words number one, right? You said it. I did say it. Yeah, you said. You made sure you said it, didn't you smart guy. Sir, I'm just trying to document for history. Schmittery, this guy came back crawling with, he had moon aids, he had creeder herpes, and now he got vaginal warts all over his legs. From going to the moon? Yeah, from going to the moon. You know why?

Because that guy was the first one out, and all the infectious diseases that are crawling all over the, on the moon. I mean, the moon is like a dirty testicle that's been dipped in chlamydia water, okay? I mean, it's round, it's uneven, it's bumpy, it's hairless, it's like a giant ball that's been rolling around

on a locker room floor covered with herpes dust and ringworm and chlamydia juice all over the skin. Guess who walked right into the firestorm? That's right. Your guy, number one, Neely Boy Armstrong Okay

Buzz I I wasn't there You're damn right you weren't there But guess who was I was But sir if I could just put the brakes I'm feeling a little Hostility here A little almost resentment

Oh Oh so now you're a psychologist I get a What are you my shrink now No but I It seems like every time I bring up the fact That Neil Armstrong was the first guy onto the moon, you seem to harbor some resentment or some jealousy or something.

Oh, yeah, shit. Let's just all take a breath there. Let's just let that soak in. Yeah. So I'm going to be pissed off because you think I'm going to be pissed off because we were the first human beings to ever, ever, ever leave planet Earth. Right? Am I right? So, am I right? So, far yes sir and we get all the way up there against all odds like a trillion to one like winning the lottery 70 times right am i with me yes sir and we get all the way up there and the cameras are rolling live and here we are we make it we make it against all probability we land on this little dot in the universe are you still following me funny guy sir i'm no are you still with me yes sir And here we go. We land. We hit the bullseye. We hit the, we never, never should have happened. Okay, we should have shot off into the, we should still be floating into the, into who knows where, right up God's asshole.

Sir? And we did it. We landed on this little speck of sand in the sky for all humanity to see, the first human beings ever. and we're stepping out the spacecraft and who are they going to remember? Are they going to remember the second guy? When you watch the Super Bowl, do you remember the team that lost? When you watch hockey, do you remember the team that won the Stanley Cup? Didn't win the Stanley Cup when you watch the Olympics. Does anyone remember who won the silver medal?

Now, I think, whoa, let's just, Don't woe me. So this is Armstrong, right? His arm's strong. He goes down first. And he takes the first step, first man to step off a planet Earth, and this goddamn guy's gonna be remembered for all eternity. Yes, sir, but you're gonna be right. Shut up, I'm not finished. Whoa!

Now, okay, so he gets off first, but who came back to Earth virus-free? Your guy, Mr. Number One, Mr. Armstrong, he steps off. Suddenly he's got space aids, okay? For one, he's got moon aids. Second, he's got preter herpes. And now thirdly, he's got vaginal warts all over his legs. I still don't know how they get up and down his legs, sir. Because you've never been to the moon, tough guy.

Funny things happen on the moon. There's no gravity. okay well still I don't know how vaginal warts get out into space and I don't know how onion rings go in circles but they do

sir so anyways this guy comes back now let me finish the story this guy's got gonorrhea okay he's got crabs in his pubs this guy

okay you're number one crabs in his pubs yeah Out of space crabs, not the kind you get at, uh, you know, with the nurses residents out there in Mississauga. What the hell are you talking about? This guy had space, uh, the nightmare space crabs crawling all over his flesh, eating his, uh, eating meat on his pubic hair. What, eating meat? Yeah, that's right, you had me eating herpes meat and nibbling on his balls out in his space suit.

That's your number one for you. Me, I came back clean. Number two came back clean. Okay, Buzz, look, I don't know that we're getting a constructive conversation here. I'm just, I'm feeling like a lot of anger and resentment is pouring out of you because you're pissed about being second. If you like peanut, a lot of... Buzz?

Getting caught in the rain. Hello, Mr. Mr. If you like me to love at midnight. Hello. What? Sir, I'm trying to talk to you and you're just singing. Yeah. Sir, is there anything to the term space madness?

Did any of that occur? Oh, here we go. So now you think I'm crazy because I'm the number two guy. Well, you are rambling, sir. Well, here's a ramble for you. Won't you go to Uranus? You ever heard of that planet? Yes, sir.

Why don't you go to Uranus and stick your head right up Uranus? How about that? Sir, I'm just trying to fuck you on an Apollo 13 sandwich board, your salami-sucking pig meat farmer. Wow! Wow! Roger! What the hell happened there? Here we are having a nice conversation about a historic moment. And What did I do, man?

Wow! Okay, Mom, which hand has the newest idea on duches? Wrong. Two Mass and Gil vinegar and water duches? Right, new extra cleansing and extra mild. Now we have a choice of mass and gill freshness. What's the difference? New extra cleansing.

The only vinegar and water with puriclean. Pureclean for effective cleansing. And extra mild. The only douche with no. Additives. I've always trusted Massengill, extra mild for me. I choose extra cleansing. Trust Massengill, the leader for 73 years. That was just a bizarre interview, Raj. I mean, I was so excited, and then he just got angry every time I brought up Neil Armstrong, the first guy to step on the moon. I guess, you know,

look, if you look at it from his space boots, I guess there's reason to maybe harbor some jealousy or resentment. I mean, you had a point, like, this was a huge event, and to be the second guy is maybe it's eating away at him. But regardless, if you're still listening, Mr. Aldrin, we're all extremely proud of you. Being second is certainly just as historic and valid, and we love you, and we honor you, and we cherish you. And my God, sir, no reason to be, you know, jaded or spiteful. All right, well, I think we wrap the show up right there, man. I don't think we can top that level of excitement.

Let's do a few quick announcements. Yours truly will be in San Diego this weekend. Oh, yes, San Diego, California. It's going to be sunny and warm and beautiful. And I'm going to be down there doing my stand-up comedy thing. Yeah, my stand-up comedy thing, player. Um, it's going to be a good time. It's at the American Comedy Co.

And we're talking Thursday, March 14th, 15th, and 16th. Okay. So that's three nights, 14, 15, 16. And it's going to be a blast, baby. It's going to be a blast. So get your tickets. You can go on Harlandwilliams.com and get your tickets. And then the following week, I go to the other coast where it's not

so sunny and warm, but I'm going to a place that has the word sun in it. It's called the Mohegan Sun Casino. There's a great comedy club inside called Comics with an X comics, and I will be there March 21st through the 23rd. That's Thursday through Saturday, March 21st to the 23rd. And it's going to be a blast. So that's over in the heart. Hartford, Connecticut area. If you're over there on the East Coast, come see me live, babies. Come see me live.

Swim to daddy tadpole. Swim to daddy. Whatever that means. And what else? Yeah, you can get your tickets at harlomwilms.com. Also, while you're there, I don't normally do this, but I posted a brand new piece of artwork in the store, and it's a very unusual piece.

It's fairly large, and it's something you would hang. It's a solid piece of artwork, and what it is, it's a, I went out into the desert and I found a whole bunch of old shotgun shells and I assembled them together on an old piece of plywood, and they're in the shape of a gun. So if you're a gun enthusiast or you're a violence enthusiast or you're an art enthusiast. There's just one piece that I made,

and it's in my store at harloweems.com. It's an original piece. It's like 400 bucks, and we'll ship it out to you very carefully via FedEx, right to your front door. And it's a one-of-a-kind piece. It's the only piece like this I've ever done. And whoever wants it,

it's there for the purchase. So I just thought I'd mention that put it out there. I know I know people love to get original artwork and unique artwork and this is certainly that So check it out check out my comedy dates my artwork and all kinds of other stuff at the Harlan williams.com merchandise store t-shirts and CDs and digital downloads all kinds of fun stuff So here we are at episode 985 So that means we only have four

14 to go, ladies and gentlemen, gurgle blurgens and dargle gargans. Oh, it's starting to feel weird knowing that the podcast is coming to a close. 14 more original episodes. For now, who knows, maybe, like I said, down the road. I don't want to promise anything, but every now and then I might throw one out there if I have time. But the podcast, as we've known it, for the last, what, 8, 9, 10 years, whatever it's been. will cease to exist in its regular format. But if you leave this channel activated,

if you leave this line open, you will certainly hear of any of my new ventures as I will make announcements and periodic stop-bys on the Harland Highway channel. And if I end up getting rid of the channel completely and starting something new, I'll certainly let you know on this platform before I dismantle anything and put anything new up.

Oh, so, so strange to be even talking about it, but we must move on. We must aim for new horizons, Lurtle gurgles and slur, just like Buzz Aldrin did. By the way, I should mention real quickly, I met Buzz Aldrin once, for real. It was amazing.

I was on a flight coming back. back from somewhere. I can't remember where, but we landed in LAX, and Buzz Aldrin was sitting just a few seats over from me. And when we stopped the plane and got out, I shook his hand and said hello. And in the back of my head, I went, man, I shook the hand of the second man that's been on the moon. So in an indirect way, a very indirect way, I've made contact with the moon. just as anyone else who's shaken Buzz Aldrin's hand has. But isn't that kind of weird and interesting to have shaken the hand of the man? One of the only two, well, not the only two, but the first two man that ever set foot on a distant land.

Kind of cool, right? And we'll leave it right there for you to ponder. Thank you for being here, everybody. Don't forget, you can write me some very final emails if you want at harland at williams.com Or if you want to leave a final voicemail for me, I don't know if we'll get to play it. I will try, but 323-739-4330 is the number. And love having you here, gang, for the last home stretch, the last few miles of the Harland Highway before we hit that.

exit ramp we'll try and have a lot of fun with these final final shows so thank you so much that's it for now go eat your space sticks and until next time chicken chau me baby the nightmare space crabs crawling all over his flesh eating his uh eating meat on his pubic hair Thank you. Thank you.