The Harland Highway - 989 - SAMUEL E. QUOKE reads spring romance letter. CRAZY news story. Listener MAIL BAG!

Episode Date: April 15, 2019

SAMUEL E. QUOKE reads spring romance letter. CRAZY news story. Listener MAIL BAG! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

It's about time. It's about space. It's about time. We did a podcast. This doesn't rhyme. It really should, but it doesn't. So let's just try and do good. Hey, it's Harlem Williams here, and you're listening to the Harland Highway podcast. Hello, I hope it's not too painful. Hey, everybody, it's me. Welcome to the Harland Highway. What a show today. Oh, my God. Crazy news story. today. Another winner. Just look up, look down, your pants are falling down. That's all I'm going to say. Also, Samuel E. Qualk, you know the guy who writes the romantic love stories and whatnot? Yeah, Spring is here. So Samuel E. Quelk is dropping by to read one of his quote-unquote love stories. I call them more like Stephen King horror stories, but we'll see let's see if he can get it right freak also uh we're going to do the uh harland highway

listener mailbag today we got uh we got letters coming in from people expressing their feelings about the podcast coming to an end so we'll talk about that and maybe even listen to a couple of phone calls uh and so uh answering questions and just having fun so let's get ready put your Elmaton, this is the Harland Highway. What do you know my name? It's on the marriage certificate. I've never seen you before in all my life. Hold on to your airbag.

You're heartless, heartless monsters. All of you, threw it through. You're riding down the Harland Highway. Oh, yeah! That means a witch has just died. You clumsy idiot? The Harland Highway. Oh, I want is to hear people say something again

or to see people moving again. I'm Floyd Bernie, a rockabilly boy. Don't you understand? You're listening to Harlan Williams. I can't be your daughter. I'm a machine. Man, you've been dead a thousand years. Why, George, I think he's got it.

You're riding down the Harland Highway with Harlan Williams. What's up, Doc? Mr. If you're going to lose, you're going to lose right now. Don't leave me here! Oh, boy, here we go. Podcast number 989. Wow. So that means, gosh, 11 more to go.

Before we shut the doors on the Harlan Highway podcast, we put the road close sign on the Harlan Highway. But we've been getting a lot of emails from people, Raj, and I think it's important. We let people's voices be heard as we come around the final bend here. So why don't we open up the Harland Highway mailbag and we'll read a few of the pavement pounders emails. Open her up, Raj. Letters. Oh, we get letters.

We get your letters every day. Mailman, mailman, mail today Reach right in and pull one out. Those letters, I love those letters. Let's find out what you've got to say. Oh, boy! Mailman, mail today. Oh, yes.

Yes, we're the only place on the planet whose emails are actually made out of paper. I don't know how or why, paper shoots out of my computer and your emails are here they're tangible so as I said

lots of emails from people who want to express their thoughts about the podcast coming to an end and why don't we start with this gentleman Derek Wilson writes dear Harland

as many others I've wanted to take the time to express my thoughts on the impending conclusion to the run of your podcast Like most, I am sadden to see your podcast come to a close. Your podcast, along with the About Last Night podcast, Adam Ray and Brad Williams, introduced me to the world of podcasts, and I'm quite grateful for that blessing.

You in particular have a unique comedy style, and you certainly bring that unique nature to producing your podcast. Unlike any other, wacky and crazy and funny and witty, the podcast was always a delight and never left. be disappointed. This podcast will remain a favorite of mine, and I've always looked forward to the release of each episode and listening, along with the commuting to work during the week. Thank you seems inadequate. But that you, for all the laughs and smiles, I look forward to being entertained by your future endeavors. Derek Wilson. P.S. also thanks for puppy dog

pals. It's brilliant. Both my sons, who are five and two, respectively, adore that show and PSS you should come back to Kansas City and perform at the improv again soon your last visit was fantastic wow well Derek first of all thank you for your very kind words I'm glad that you you enjoyed the podcast it is it is sad to see it go I agree but I am moving on to other things and who knows what comes up in the future but I'm glad you you got laughter out of I'm glad it kept you company when you were commuting to work. And that's really cool. I'm glad your kids are enjoying another facet of my activity,

which is the Puppy Dog Pals animated cartoon I created on Disney Jr. We're working on the third season vigilantly right now. And so there you go. And Kansas City, yes, the city of Fountains. I was talking to a friend of mine who's from Kansas City the other day and I said, oh yeah, the city of fountains. And they're like, oh, yeah, there's thousands of fountains all over Kansas City. I said, oh, yeah, there's tons of them.

I remember I stopped at one and it was an old like Klondike gold miner guy like with the old hat and the old pants and he was standing there like squirting water and I threw some money in at the fountain and it turned out to be. a homeless guy pissing on a wall. And that got them laughing pretty good. So, hey, Derek, thank you for your letter. That is awesome. And let's do another one while we're in here.

Let's do another one. This is from Blake Downing. Blake. Harlan, the episode where you revealed that you were ending the show, you were saying that there was announcement. And I knew instinctively it was going to be about the thousands episode. and the show coming to an end. When you announced it was coming to an end, my heart sank.

It really blows the show's ending, but I can understand where you're coming from. There are so many podcasts out in the world and barely make it past 100 episodes. Oh, I didn't know that. So congratulations on keeping the show going for so long. You've provided so much laughter and joy to my life and some tears. While working, I listened to podcasts the whole day. When an episode of the Harland Highway comes on, I get a charge and know that the next 30 minutes is going to be great. The Daily Work Struggle can be grinding, so your show was such a relief.

That's why I'm going to miss it so much. I really am excited now for what you're going to do next. I'll miss Corporal Tom Dowdy, Samueli, Quout, Aunt Ruthie, and the koala the most. Speaking of the koala, I couldn't stop laughing at the episode where the koala got shot. I isolated a soundbite from that episode where the koala got capped and I made it my text notification on my cell phone that lasted about two days

it was way too jarring every time I got a text and your koala impression sounded off it made me jump I had to switch back to the sound effects that was less frightening what a ride it was down the highway with you I love you Harlan

thank you for all the work you put in and gave us. Blake from Dallas, hashtag ball drop. Well, you know what, Blake, thank you so much. What a nice and kind and positive email. And I'm so glad like everyone else that you got something out of the show, out of all the wacky characters I did. I kind of forgot about the koala one. But that really was a fun character. I think the koala sang Christmas carols a few times. and uh boy it's hard to get him on the show because he lives in australia but uh what a great character can't beat a koala can you good lord all right let's do another one we got another another letter here uh for you let's see what we got here all right here we go let's see

This is from Jay Boris. Ooh, Jay Boris. Jay Boris. I don't know why I'm getting excited. I don't know who that is. It says, Jay Boris says, thank you. Been a long time fan and just wanted to say thanks for nearly three decades now. I've enjoyed your work.

My brother and I probably watched Rocket Man a thousand times. I've seen your stand-up show last time you came to Pittsburgh. I'll be seeing you again soon in Pittsburgh and can't wait. I've been listening to your stand-up in the car to get ready. Ha-ha. All that being said, what I really wanted to say is that now you, is that you now have entertained my daughter. She's 10 months old and absolutely loves when puppy dog pals

or playtime with puppy dog pals comes on. We have the bingo and roly digging cars. We have the figurines and even the stuffed animals. When I first heard Bob, I knew it was you, and immediately checked the credit. it's some great depth. I enjoy this show as well. So it's nice to have that to share with my daughter. So thank you and good luck in Pittsburgh. Well, thank you, Jay Boris. Yeah, Pittsburgh, I have that coming up very soon on my stand-up comedy tour. Go to

Harlow Williams.com to check the dates and get your tickets. But so glad that you enjoy the the puppy dog pals show. That's my animated show that I did for for the good old Disney Jr. channel. And kids and adults alike seem to be loving it. So we're doing well with the whole animation stuff. But let's do a couple more letters. And then we'll get into the meat of the show.

Here's one from Travis Caliborne. Callenborn. There it is. Hi, Harlan. Sorry, I know this isn't the right place for me to email you, but I'm not using social media. Just wanted to say big thank you for all the laughs over the years. You are truly a comic genius. Oh, now stop. Love the voices and comedy routines as well as the more serious aspects of the podcast. Out of curiosity, have you ever considered adding a video, YouTube element to the show where you televise yourself doing the various voices? Well, listening adds to the mystique, I think watching you do the voices would be very entertaining as well.

Perhaps a new platform could bring in a new generation of pavement pounders. You know, these kids and their high-tech gizmos. I'm still wearing off the spook from your scary Halloween episode that Freddie Kruger is one freaky dude. I love you, man, and best of luck on all your future endeavors. Thanks again for the wonderful ride down the Harlan Highway. What a ride it's been. Travis K., Minneapolis, Minnesota. Oh, well, thank you, Travis.

Man, that makes me feel good that you had such a good time on the Harlan Highway. And it's a good question. You know, a lot of podcasters do do a video element to their show. And my show is so very much theater of the mind with all the characters that I feel like Filming me doing the voices would kind of be counterproductive, you know. My voices and my characters are kind of like the whole experience. It's kind of let your brain do the work. And I think when you show yourself doing the voices, it kind of takes away from it.

I think it exposes too much and you realize, oh, there's a guy doing a voice as opposed to believing in the concept that maybe there's an actual real character. character there. So, you know, when I do my voices, I kind of get into the mindset that I'm jumping back and forth between myself and a character, but in the character's world, the character's very real, if that makes sense. And I think that's the illusion that I try to paint by just having it all done in audio. I think if you see it, it's kind of a spoiler. And it doesn't have the same impact. There's a great, great, uh, radio broadcaster and podcaster named Phil Henry, who, uh, does something very similar to what I do. And I dare say does it way better. I mean,

this guy is, this guy is, you know, if I'm on a five, this guy's at a 15, okay? Um, but he's a guy that I just think is amazing. And he actually does that where he films, himself doing the different voices. He does kind of similar to what I do, as I said. And I always regretted watching him do it because it just, it kind of popped the bubble. It took the mystique. You know, whenever we hear characters, whether it's my character's Dr. Ascot or Commander Tom Dowdy or Rabbi Pappenheim or Aunt Ruthie, I know all of you listening probably have,

you create a vision in your head of what they look like, what they're wearing, how many wrinkles they have, what their house looks like, what they're doing, you know, what their history is. I know it's weird, but that's the beauty of this medium. You hear a voice and you start to build up their world in your head. You don't know a thing about them, but somehow each of us has a different kind of mental image of how they exist in the world, even though they don't really exist at all. And so that's why I always stayed away from videotaping my performances. And also, I also find when you videotape, you become a lot more self-conscious. And I think I've told you guys in the past that if you listen to a thousand episodes of my podcast

and you listen to all the interviews, I never wrote down one word. Okay, not one word that was ever written down. None of it was scripted. None of it was written out. If anything, every now and then I'd write down a bullet point. Like, oh, maybe George Michael talks about teabagging. And that would be it. Like, as I'm sitting here kind of just improvising,

I'd maybe have a few little bullet points where I'd go, oh, there's that word. I'll throw that into the improvisation. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy. All will be packaged and sent discreetly. For free and fast.

Don't wait, Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50% off, one item, and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harlan to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast.

So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. The new BMO ViPorter MasterCard is your ticket to more. More perks. More points. More flights. More of all the things you want in a travel rewards card. and then some get your ticket to more with the new bemo v i porter mastercard and get up to $2,400 in value in your first 13 months terms and conditions apply visit bimo.com slash the i porter to learn more so uh it takes a lot of focus and a lot of concentration and you're jumping back and forth between personalities it's almost like schizophrenia on on audio tape

and I always felt like if I was filming it I'd be way more self-conscious and maybe not as free and maybe not as spontaneous and maybe not as funny and so there was a lot of reasons why I'd never filmed it and I remember once I did the podcast live in San Francisco at a sketch show festival and I remember I tried to do Mr. Featherstone live in front of a live audience

and I just, halfway through, I just bailed out. It was just too weird. It's almost like I need privacy with these voices. I need complete isolation so I can let them just come out and roam free and be crazy. So as much as it would be interesting, not going to happen. You're just going to have to keep imagining, which I think is healthier for the brain. I think it's good for the brain to flex those muscles, make your imagination think. But it was something I kind of thought about as I went along.

So above and beyond all that, thank you for being a pavement pounder. Thank you for your very kind words. And I'm so glad you got so much out of the podcast. Okay? All right, Raj. I say we do one more email here. and then we get the heck out of Dodge and get going on some other stuff, okay?

So here we go. One last letter, and this is from Dan Ghosts. Dan Ghosts. Hey, Harland, one of the most unique and appealing qualities of your podcast is the timelessness of the episodes. Most other podcasts are disposable, and if you don't listen to them, when they are released, there is little point going back.

Each episode of the highway, with rare exception, contains timeless comedy, Aunt Ruthie, Mr. Featherstone, Charlie Lee, etc. That way they can be enjoyed whenever one decides to listen. It isn't disposable, quote, news of the day stuff. I'm telling you this for two reasons. One, it is important to keep the archive online so that we will always be able to listen to the episodes

and others will be able to discover them. I'm sure there are fans like myself who are completists and keep track of the episodes they listen to. I still have all of 2011 and 2012 to listen to and those two years alone make for over 300 episodes. Wow, okay, you're in for a treat. If I haven't heard it, then it's a new episode for me. So I'll have, quote, new episodes to enjoy

long after the show ends. and two, I know you want to end the show with an even 1,000 episodes in the can. As I've been listening to the archive, I've noticed that on three occasions, a number has been accidentally skipped in the numbering of the episodes. Because of this, episodes 303, 451, and 616 actually don't exist. So when the highway ends later this year on episode 1,000, it will actually be episode 997. I suspect I'm the only listener who's noticed this,

so there's no real need for you to address it, but I thought you'd like to know. And if it results in you extending the highway for three more episodes, Eureka, folks. Chicken Chowmaine, baby. Best Dan Gose. Wow, holy smokes.

That sounds like something I do. I'm bad with numbers. I bet you're probably right And I'm not even going to go back and check But I'm going to believe you And you know what? You just got three bonus episodes Actually, if you're right

They're not even bonus episodes They're just episodes that are owed To complete the thousand So we've just jumped up Three extra episodes Thanks to Dan Gose And his podcast detective work I say Dan Gose

Excellent job it's elementary dear Watson so good for you man I'm glad you spotted that and I'm gonna I'm gonna play along and we'll do three extra episodes to make sure we hit a thousand it's the right thing to do right and then as far as your note

about the timelessness of the comedy well that's a very good observation damn because I did that on purpose I really did I didn't want to have a podcast where if you turned it on I was talking about the news of the day and if someone listened to it 100 years from now

they'd be like what the hell is he talking about I kind of did all my skits based on if someone actually listened to this like 30, 40, 50, 100 years down the road they'd be like okay that's still funny there's nothing in there that time dates it So I did that by design, and I'm glad you picked up on that,

because a lot of, you know, there's a few exceptions where I might have talked about the election or something that was really current, like landing on Mars or whatever. But even when I did those, I tried to keep them kind of timeless as much as I could. But I'd say 98% of all my podcasts are exactly, as you described, very timeless. And yes, I also agree with your analysis about keeping the shows archived. I will be leaving them up there so people can listen to them. And good for you. You have two years' worth of podcast to listen to 2011 and 2012, probably two of the best years.

I'm just saying that. But you've got a lot of fun comedy coming your way, buddy. That is a treat. That is a treat. So again a great letter I'm going to print this one up Oh I don't need to It's already printed up

Wink wink wink And thanks to Dan Gose There will be three more episodes Of the Harland Highway And don't the rest of you start writing in and go Now that you mention it Episode 1215 624

And 503 weren't there either I'm not falling for it But I believe Dan here because I am bad with labeling and numbering, and I've even caught myself mixing it up on occasion. So we'll make it right. And, uh, Raj, I think that's it.

Guys, thank you for your great, uh, emails. Thank you for expressing your thoughts on the Harlan Highway. Thank you for even taking the time to write to me. I can't tell you how much it means to me. I mean, remember at the end of the day,

you guys are the reason I did this thing, just to make you giggle, to keep you entertained. I mean, let's be honest, I did it to make myself laugh, too. But it was really, you know, if it weren't for you people out there, I wouldn't be sitting at home doing all this stuff. So it's very gratifying to know that you guys enjoyed it. So let's close up the mailbag.

We'll be reading more letters as we go along. And now that we have three extra episodes to do it, I mean, who knows what we're going to stumble across. So thanks, guys, for your letters. Thank you for all your great kind thoughts and wishes. And let's close it up and get right back into the Harland Highway podcast, Rod. Another letter from our last birthday. Heavens to Mergatroyd. Speaking of Heavens to, I got to fill you guys in on a little secret that this really happened.

I didn't want to interrupt the reading of the voiceman, of the emails. But this is totally serious. I'm sitting in the studio here in front of the microphone. And in front of me is my laptop where I'm monitoring, you know, all the audio stuff. And as I was reading and talking about your letters, out of nowhere, a spider came down and landed right on my keypad on my laptop. I just, I don't, it was just so weird. is so random like that.

It's like a spider just slowly. I saw it drop down past my face, like a little spider fireman coming out of the roof of the spider firehouse, sliding down the invisible pole. And right on my, and then when he landed on the keypad, he immediately took kind of a defensive stance.

He kind of like stuck his chest down and puffed his legs out. You could see he was like, all right, who wants to mess with me, man? And of course, I just blew him away. I was like, and he was gone. That's got to hurt the ego, right? When you step down, step up on someone, you flex, you pose, and they literally just, with half a breath, you're like over on the floor behind the couch or something, you know? But anyways, let's, uh, if that isn't

crazy enough for you, Raj, let's do a crazy news story. The Harland Highway Crazy news story That's weird Wow That's strange stuff Yep Here we go

Another one Another wacky nutty crazy story I don't know why don't these things ever happen to me Do they happen to you? Here's the headline Half Naked Woman crashes through restaurants ceiling in Tennessee twice.

Huh. Once wasn't enough, I guess. Wow. So here's the story. Maybe she just thought they were running low on buns. A half-naked 26-year-old woman fell through the ceiling of a Tennessee burger and barbecue joint earlier this week, not once but twice, before being apprehended by police in the dining room.

That's rough. You know, when you hear of people getting arrested, it's usually in an alley, in the street, in a gunfight. How often do you hear about people getting arrested in a dining room? Harley C. Mort was arrested on Tuesday night after an employee working at cookout, a burger and barbecue joint, called police around 10 p.m.

to report seeing a woman busting through the ceiling tile. The woman was able to pull herself up, and retreat back up into the ceiling. Good Lord. I mean, what is she a bat? She's like a raccoon or a possum? She falls through the roof, hangs on for dear life. Not only do you fall through a roof, but you're half naked?

First of all, big questions here. What are you doing up in a roof in a ceiling? Okay, what are you doing up there? It's full of asbestos and insulation and rat droppings and dangerous electrical wires. Okay, it's probably, you probably have no more room to stand up than you would if you're in a crawl space. And then on top of all those life-endangering things, you have no pants on, you're half naked? What the hell is wrong with you? officers arrived to find slight damage in the kitchen

and recovered what to be the woman's wallet on the roof while officers were still in the premises the woman fell through the tile again landing on the floor of the kitchen before trying to exit through the dining room that's when police saw Morton wearing nothing from the waist down good Lord what the hell and if she had a wallet where was she?

she putting it. No wonder her wallet was on the roof. She had no pockets. I don't want to know where she put that wallet. What kind of idiot is walking around in the ceiling half naked? Police believe the woman may have entered into the building ceiling by removing a screen on the roof. She was transported to a local jail and charged with criminal trespassing, vandalism, and disorderly contact.

I mean, at least she only fell in the kitchen. I mean, it would have been nice if she fell right on a hot, red hot element and branded her bubbly ass. Can you imagine she crashes through and her ass lands right in a sizzling walk with ginger beef and shrimp? Man, that would sting. where she laid a red on a red-od element and like grilled a coil on her ass

she just had like a permanent burn mark of a coiled up grill on her ass and she went to the beach people like that chick's got a hot ass not really yeah look there's a grill mark on it um but imagine if she came down

in the actual dining room. Uh, you know, you're ordering, right? Uh, yes, what would you like for dinner tonight, sir? Uh, yes, I would like the, uh, the roast beef. Khm! Smash. Well, that was fast.

Yes, sir, we like to work fast here. Is the roast beef fresh? Go ahead and eat it, sir. I mean, imagine that. You're just sitting there with your family and a giant, flubbery ass lands on your freaking plate. The story kind of spins off here. It says in June, a Mexican restaurant in Garden Grove, California experienced a similar incident

when a woman who had asked to use the restroom climbed into a crawl space, crawled into the ceiling, and eventually crashed through into the kitchen. Now, before I continue, I actually have audio of the Mexican restaurant thing. Here she is crashing through the ceiling. You can hear it. Listen. I mean, come on. There was a video on YouTube of this woman smashing through the ceiling.

It's hilarious. It's like all these people are just, they can hear her walking around up in the tiles. And sure enough, then she just comes crashing through right to the ground. Nutcakes. One of the patrons who recorded the incident described the woman as a crackhead.

Though police did not confirm if the woman was on drugs at the time. Can we all just say it's safe to say if you're on a roof and you crawl into a ceiling and you pull down your pants and you're running around naked in the asbestos, and you fall through twice, I think we can probably assume you're on crack. The fact that you landed on your crack

and your on crack means you're on crack, your own crack. So there you go. There's the crazy news story. Watch out the next time you're at Applebee's. You might want to wear a helmet or an umbrella over your table or something to deflect.

the ass coming your way, the fresh rose beef, but to come in from overhead. Aye, aye, y, I idiot. Wait a second, hold it. I saw the whole thing. The machine's fixed. Who's she, your mother? Blow up your

pants. Hello? Hello? Hey, Arland. It's Ryan in Portland. I just got done listening to the George Michael final farewell podcast. for George Michael with the lime and logger bit.

And it's amazing. And it just made me realize how unbelievable your podcast has been over the years. The way that you're able to switch characters is unbelievable. And I'm sure you know that. But I'm sure there's some other pavement founders out there that would love to see how you do that. And I just thought, and not to give you another homework assignment, but if you're able to post some YouTube video of you switching characters live, that would just be unbelievable. And, yeah, I know I would enjoy seeing that. I don't know how you do it.

But I've enjoyed it all these years, and thank you so much. Yeah, I can't thank you enough for the podcast. And the Lyman Lager thing, man, that's hilarious. So thanks, thanks, Arlen. And I love to hear some romantic poetry guy, too, man, if you're able to. It's springtime. So it's about that time. But, yeah, thanks, man.

Take care. Peace out. You let him in, didn't you, Raj? Yeah. No, I saw what, when the phone call was playing, I saw the door open through the corner of my eye. and he walked in and you didn't even ask me and now he's here. Hello, sir. How are you today?

Yeah, I'm good, Samuel E. Quowke. Um, I don't remember me inviting you to come and be on the podcast today. I come here every spring, sir, to read my romantic letters, if you don't mind, sir. Yeah, I do mind, Quowke, okay? This isn't your podcast. It's mine. Okay? And Roger, it would have been nice to have a little heads up before Samuel E. Quok walked in here with his leather binder full of worn out letters.

These are not worn out letters, sir. These are romantic musings and romantic poems and stories that I've written over the decades, sir. God, that thing smells like an old sock, that binder. Fill your minds, sir I said I didn't ask you to come in here and read Spring has sprung And so has romance, sir Okay

And during the spring I always come to your podcast And read romantic letters Oh my God, you're not going to leave I must let you do it, is that what you're saying? Precisely, sir Now if you don't mind, I'd like to get hold with it, shall we?

Oh, oh, excuse me, shall we? Shall we, sir? Yeah, oh, just do it and get out of here. Yes, you come every spring, and by the way, this is going to be the last spring, so you better make it a good one. They're always good ones, sir. Now, if you don't mind, sir.

I actually do mind, but go ahead and get it over with Quowke. Thank you, sir. And don't make it gruesome. Can you just for once to a nice romantic story Like you always promise you're gonna do Do you mind, sir One of us is the writer And one of us is the listener, sir

Oh, now I'm just reduced to a listener Do you mind, sir Samuel E. Quirk would like to read a romantic letter Hurry up, God, you creep me out, dude Thank you very much. Dearest Pollyanna, I will never forget the springtime spent in the tropical island of Tahiti.

The two of us so youthful and joyful and alive, basking in the sun on the white sand beaches, the shade of the palm trees overhead, the cry of tropical birds, surrounding us in the air. Erotic and exotic butterflies floating on the warm breeze. Splashes of purple and orange and pink in the distant horizon as the sun sparkled on the waves as they slowly and continually drifted towards the warm romantic shore. And it was there, my dear, sweet, tender.

loving Pollyanna on the soft sandy shores of the Tahitian paradise, under the shade of the tropical palm tree as you lay underneath your beautiful eyes reflecting the ocean, your hair blowing in the warm tropical breeze, your smile flashing like a star glistening in the midnight sky and as you sat under that tree absorbing life with all your youth and all your jubilant somehow a coconut overhead must have come loose ripened by the ravages of time and just coincidentally it fell from its stem and traveled through the air and landed with a thud an abrupt loud horrible thud right on the top of your head conking you as as if a bongo drum player with cement fingers smashing his hands on a tambourine-filled bass king kettle drum

in the orchestra of the, your head echoing like a barrel of empty oil being hit with a giant baseball bat or a log. Your eyes spinning around in your head like your brain had been short-circuited when the giant coconut smashed you in the cranium and left a dent on your... All right, there it is. There it is. Do you mind, sir? No, there it is. See? Here I am. I get sucked into this beautiful tropical Tahitian paradise. Yes, sir. Yes, sir. And then all of a sudden, she's under a palm tree, the eyes are sparkling, the smile, the youthfulness. exactly as I remember it's yeah and then all of a sudden

as always a coconut falls out of the tree exactly okay and hits her in the head and her eyes are spinning do you mind if I tell the stories well it's not really a story it's like a nightmare

do you mind I am the writer and you are as I said earlier sir the what do we call it the listener oh okay so now

wow talk about having disdain for your audience do you mind if I proceed sir hurry up you creep god just hurry up my dear

polliana as I stood there on the sand with a tropical drink in my hand the ones with the little umbrella sticking over the edge of the glass. I remember staring at you as the giant coconut bounced off your head, leaving an echoy sound like a bat hitting a wall in an endless cave and a rocky crag. And your eyes looking at me, stunned beyond belief, as if a train was coming through your imagination about to hit you square on. And as I stood there and watched your eyes start to bleed tears of runny, or olive oil blood. You lost your footing as you tried to stand and get your bearings

my dear Pollyanna. And all I could do is watch as you stumbled down the beach and the Cabana boys were waving you off as you got dangerously closer and closer to a mound of poisonous Portuguese man-of-war jellyfish

that had just freshly washed up in the high tide the night before. And they ran yelling, flailing their arms, Dreaming the veins in the neck, straining to try and drive you away from the poisonous mound of Portuguese man of war. But dear Pollyanna, your brain was so stunned by the coconut. You wobbled and tripped right into this fleshy pile of gelatinous poison. The tentacles immediately wrapping around your beautiful white, slender legs,

swirling their way up like candy floss and a little. a clown's nightmare. The stingers turning purple and orange. Your legs looking like an old lady's verico's veins getting sucked by an Italian man's lips at a spaghetti restaurant. Oh, my dear Pauliana, you screamed with such horror like a werewolf

was pulling garlic bread from your swollen bottom. It was unbelievable, and all we could do was stand And as the Portuguese man of war started to sting you and turn your tender white, pale skin, purple and black, like you'd been stung by a scorpion with leukemia cancer. Your eyes! Stop! Holy God, Quoak! Do you mind, sir?

Yes, I'm mine. A scorpion with leukemia cancer? This is part of what I write, sir. You can't understand the English language, sir. English language. She had veins going up her legs like an Italian sucking spaghetti? That's right, sir. It's called descriptive license.

How about Stephen King horror license, bro? I'm not sure what you mean by bro. Dude, are you almost finished? Because this is like churning my stomach. If you don't mind, sir, I'm almost finished. God, hurry up! Better get more romantic from here, you freak. Do you mind, sir?

Go ahead! My dearest Poliana, as you screamed and stumbled your way through the pile of poisonous jellyfish, You finally made it to the ocean shore, where the salt water seemed to offer some relief as it lapped against your ivory skin. And as a little sense of relief started to fill your googled-out bongo-eyed coconut eyes, suddenly your screams multiplied as it became obvious that in your efforts to alleviate the stinging pain of the Portuguese man-of-war's pus poison, and you had accidentally stepped straight into a school of thorny sea urchins.

Their spiny needle-like barbs stabbing through your feet and toes like nails through Jesus' hands on the crucifix. You screamed as blood and parson, sea urchin mucus swelled from your feet. Your toes turning black like you had climbed Mount Kilimanjaro in sub-zero temperatures and frostbite and turn your feet into tar babies at the end of your legs. You screamed so hard that your tongue started bleeding and barnacles started growing on your face like a whale that had been out to sea for 14 fathoms and 29 degrees. Poor Pollyanna, your feet became swollen and watered like the elephant's man, the elephant man's penis head.

Yes, we can only imagine that the cap on the elephant man's penis must have been bumpy and slimy, like your sea urchin infested feet. Stop! Do you mind, sir? Yeah, what the hell are you talking about? I do believe you have ears to listen, sir. Are you telling me she stepped on sea urchins and her feet got so infected? Yes, sir. that her feet got so blistered that her feet looked resembled the elephant's man,

the elephant man's, the head of his penis, I call it the elephant man's mushroom cap, sir. The elephant, dude, you are, do you mind, sir? I do mind. You're making my listeners sick to their stomachs, bro. Now, finish it off. This is idiot. Thank you, sir. My dear Pollyanna,

as your feet became dysfunctional with all the pus and poison, it was obvious you could no longer walk properly and you stumbled into a colony of seals that were nursing on the sand nearby. Somehow you stumbled under the weight of a two and a half thousand pound bull elephant seal who was none too happy to see you. You surprised him and in a reaction natural to all natural wonders of the world,

the elephant seal lashed out with this giant thorny mouth full of canine teeth sharper than the knives in O.J. Simpson's cutlery drawer. The giant two-and-a-half-toned beast picked you up in the air and thrust you around like a rag doll at a muffin shop that was covered in cornmeal juice. Oh, my dear Pollyanna, you waved around like Queen Elizabeth's hand as she was going down the street and waving to the peasants in the parade, the lowly, smelly peasants that she governed over. You were whipping around like a Chinese roasted ragweed at an all-you-can-eat-peanuckle festival, my dear Pollyanna. Okay, goodbye. Get out. Enough is enough is enough, you sicko

I'm not finished You are finished Get out of here And before anyone could react A rogue wave came in And sucked you out to sea Pollyanna You got pulled out like rotten seaweed

At the bottom of a toilet pole Just dragged your hair Full of mollusks and starfish Chinese fiddler crabs Eating your aerolias like flattened pancakes in a waffle hut. But get out! Get stop!

Get out! Roger Cut him off! Stop the music! Get out! And then, of course, a killer whale came up from the depths and ate your head like a golf ball being swallowed by the ninth hole

in Tiger Woods' backyard. Get out! God! What is with that, idiot? The most disgusting, stupid, unromantic stories I've ever heard. Whoa. Roger, thanks a lot. What a nut bar, man. And guess what, folks?

This is where we end the show, because I can't get that imagery out of my head. What a freak. We end the, that's right, we end the show. Thanks, Roger. I hope you're happy. Oh, my God. You know what? Let me do some announcements and let's get the hell out of here.

I'm just discombobulated, I'll be honest. Sea urchins and killer whales and O.J. Simpson's cutlery drawer? So I'll be in Cincinnati, Ohio, April 26 and 27th at the Funny Bone Comedy Club. If you're out in that area. Come and get me, baby. April 26 and April 27th, the Foney Bone in Cincinnati, Ohio. And then the following weekend, this will be fun, a brand new comedy club opening in Las Vegas at Caesar's Palace,

Jimmy Kimmel, the late night host, Jimmy Kimmel. He opened a comedy club called the Jimmy Kimmel Comedy Club in Las Vegas at Caesars. and I will be there May 2nd, 3rd, 4th, and 5th, Thursday through Sunday in Las Vegas. I have not performed in Vegas in a while. And then the following week, oh my God, I'm in Washington, D.C. And then the following weekend, I'm in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. So May is like a full month of stand-up for me, man.

I rarely do like week after week after week, but the Jimmy Kimmel one just kind of came in out of nowhere, and I was like, I got to do that one. That one sounds fun. So that's like four weekends in a row of stand-up for me. Unheard of. I don't do that, but it's just how it worked out. So there you go.

So check my website, harlomwilms.com, and you can get tickets. There's links to all the sites, except the Vegas one I still have to put up there. It might not be up yet. And I hope we see at one of these cities where you can have some more laughs. And there will not be any Samuel E. Quowke.

Good Lord. What a freak. So that's it, gang. Thank you for your letters, your kind letters, your phone calls. And I hope you had a good time as we start to wind down here and slowly start to shift.

shut down the Harlan Highway. But as you heard, you got a few extra episodes thanks to one of the pavement pounders. So there you go. So that's it. That's it for today. I hope you had a great time. And until next time, watch out for falling coconuts and chicken. Chalmy, baby?

You waved around like Queen Elizabeth's hand as she was going down the street and waving to the peasants in the parade.