The Harland Highway - 991 - CAPTAIN KIRK drops by. CRAZY NEWS STORY. Do you really know who people are? Listener phone calls.

Episode Date: April 29, 2019

CAPTAIN KIRK drops by. CRAZY NEWS STORY. Do you really know who people are? Listener phone calls. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome, oh welcome, welcome, welcome to the podcast, the Harland Highway podcast, that is. How are you? I'm Arland Williams, your host. Welcome to the Harland Highway. Today we're going to take a few of your voicemails, a few of your calls, and answer your voicemails. We're also going to talk about, do you really know who people are, the Harland Highway question of the day? Do you think you know who people are and then they turn out to be something completely different? Oh, interesting stuff coming up on that one. Also, sometimes I talk about animals going extinct on the podcast. Well, now I'm going to talk about something else that's going extinct.

And it's something that goes in your mouth. Yeah, it's slowly vanishing. It's going away. So we're going to talk about that. Also, Captain James T. Kirk. Captain of the USS Enterprise, Star Trek, for some reason, drops by my studio again. He's just kind of annoying, I hate to say, but he thinks my studio is the bridge of the USS Enterprise. Apparently he's here.

And then a crazy news story. Oh, my God. This is nuts. Have you ever had a bug in your ear? Well, way to you hear about this bug in this girl's ear? creepy but then again so is the harland highway you know my name it's on the marriage certificate I've never seen you before all my life hold on to your airbag you're heartless heartless monsters all of you through and through you're riding down

the Harland Highway oh yeah when you You see a fallen stock that means a witch has just died. You clumsy idiot? The Harland Highway. All I want is to hear people say something again and to see people moving again. I'm Floyd Bernie, a rockabilly boy. Don't you understand? You're listening to Harlan Williams.

I can't be your daughter. I'm a machine. Man, you've been dead a thousand years. My George, I think he's got it. You're riding down the Harland Highway with Harlan Williams. What's up, Doc? Mr. If you're going to lose, you're going to lose right now. Don't leave me here.

You know what that sound is? That's a sound that might be going extinct. That is a human being sucking liquid through a drinking straw. Right? We all do it. Some of you might have done it already. today. Sucking liquid

through a drinking stress, sir. Good God, I just swallowed a fly. But here's the deal, man. I don't know where you live, but I live out here in Nutty, California. And now

it's illegal. Yeah, that's right. I was told by a waiter it's illegal to give out a drinking straw. You believe this? Or you have to ask for a straw. And then when you get one, nowadays a lot of them are made out of paper. And I think they're getting rid of the plastic ones altogether. Which is crazy.

So yesterday I went to McDonald's to get some bracky. you know the old egg McMuffin combo meal and you know I thought I'll start the morning with an ice cold Coke you know just to just to clear out the cobwebs man with a coke right so I'm driving away and I reach into my bag and I start with the hash browns and then I'm thinking all right I better get the straw in my coke I got the coke in my cup holder with the lid on it and I start looking through the bag and I'm like, what, where's the, where's the drinking straw?

What the? And then I hit me, I went, yeah, all right. That's right. They don't give them out anymore. And no sign in the window, be sure to ask for a drinking straw. Or no, no words of wisdom from the, the, the drive-through person. Hey, do you need a drinking straw? No, I'm here I am, rolling down the,

You know, once you get out of the drive-thru, your drink is topped off. Your Coke is topped off with ice cubes and bubbly golden liquid. And so here I am trying to navigate back onto the highway, and, you know, you've got to go through some lights and you've got to go up the ramps, which are always kind of a, it's like going up the far end of a racetrack. Right, you got to take that big, wide turn up the ramp.

And then you've got to accelerate to merge with all the other speeding cars. You ever try that with a full glass of Coke with the lid off? The ice cubes right at the rim of your glass. Clinking around, almost like they're laughing at you. So here I am. like whipping around, trying to eat a hash brown in one hand, okay, trying to get onto an un-rampant 70, 80 miles an hour with the other hand. And with the other hand, having to pick up a Coke and try and sip it right at the rim

without it getting all over the place. And even when I'm not holding it, it's in the cup holder sloshing all around. what are the odds you're not going to have some spillage there So it's just freaky man No more drinking straws and then I got a paper one Last night I went to a place and I got a little beverage And they gave me a drinking straw but it was paper Okay, it looks like you ever get to the end of a Christmas paper wrapping

And they got that cheesy cardboard that long cheesy cardboard tube. Yeah, that's what the paper straws look like. Good God. Yeah. Miniature versions of the end of Christmas paper

wrapping rolls. That's what they look like. And that's what they taste like. I don't know if you've ever tasted a Christmas wrapping roll. But that's what they taste like, man. So I had half of a drink left and I put it in the fridge, as I often do, and I think, okay, I'll have, I'll finish it in the morning. I go in the morning, I start sucking on the straw, and it's like I get about two little mouthfuls, and then my straw craps the bed.

And I'm like, what the hell I, I pull the plastic lid off. And by the way, why are we allowed to have plastic lids, but not plastic straws? I pull the plastic lid off, my damn straw is like pretty much. disintegrated. It's all unraveled. It's soggy. There's seaweed on it. There's barnacles growing. I think there was a, I think I saw a seahorse swimming in and out of it. I'm like, what the hell? Thanks for the pulp milkshake there, McDonald's. So it's kind of this weird conundrum. And it's like, look, I'm all for conservation. Believe me. there is so much crap and garbage out there floating and and I hate it we all hate it

who the hell likes pollution who likes garbage but it's just I don't know man it's kind of like you're banning this one little thing that's a convenience okay and and yet you're leaving all these other things what a bottled one water. Like I said, the lids on the on the on the on the caps that go on the soft cups. I mean, for every for every straw you would have handed out, you're also handing out a plastic lid. So what are you going to do about that? Where's the paper lids? I mean, it just keeps cascading and it's like, look, if you're going to ban plastic, then ban it. you know let's get rid of it and we all know that that that plastic bottles and things like

that are just they're they're overpowering us especially in underdeveloped countries I don't know if any of you've been to a tropical beach but I've been to like Bali I've been to Costa Rica I've been to Cambodia I've been to Cambodia I've been to a lot of tropical places man and it is disgusting and I've been in some places that are pretty remote

I've been to a place in Costa Rica that's like like a nature reserve and it's like I feel like I'm out of garbage dump in Oklahoma this beautiful pristine beach nobody on it just jungle in the background and then you go up to where the high tide mark was and man oh man like not just dozens of bottles hundreds of bottles drinking bottles water bottles soda bottles and that's just the bottles man there's a lot of other stuff there's a lot of pollution have

I took a boat trip down one of the big major rivers in Cambodia last year. I did like a five-night cruise right down one of the main rivers. I forget the name of it. But it was one of the main rivers and it broke my heart, man. It was there was bottles and debris floating by every four feet. It wasn't every now and then, oh, there's a piece of junk. was constant you were you were seeing as much junk as you were water lilies and water spiders it was it was just sad it actually took the edge off the trip to a degree i was like oh wow here i am in

cambodia i'm in an exotic country on the other side of the world i'm taking a boat up up these rivers and you look down in the river man and it's like you want to see fish and snakes and crocodiles and you see like Avanti and Crystal Geyser and Mountain Spring and Perrier and this isn't wildlife. These are brand names. A&W cream soda floats by. They're like, oh, okay, there goes a rare tropical creature. The A&W plastic pop bottle. great never seen one of those before better call audubon you know so so as i said i hate to see all this

stuff but i'm also like kind of a bit skeptical in a way it's like okay so you're going to get rid of the straws how does that diminish all the other stuff it's like come on let's be real if you're going to get rid of one thing you kind of got to get rid of all of them it's almost like if we took cars and we said, okay, we're going to get rid of all the Volkswagen Beatles. Okay, we're going to clean up the air. We're going to clean up the roads. We'll get rid of all the Volkswagen Beatles.

But what about all the other cars? Well, they're going to stay. They're going to stay because they're a little bigger. But, you know, we'll get rid of those ones and that'll help. Well, not really. No. so I don't know it's it's why don't people sit down in a room and go what's the solution here you know I talked about it one of a recent podcast too about the you know the the food delivery

services now how how a lot of people including myself get food delivered to the house with all these new apps that you have right you can just any restaurant that some Someone will go pick up your food. And I did a crazy news story about a guy who's delivering food and was washing his nut sack in the salsa. And so what I'm thinking is, why don't we just develop a cup that somehow the liquid gets injected, I don't know, from the bottom,

and there's like a little seal or something. And the top of the thing is it's like a fluid-like cover, with a straw opening in it or something. You know? So that it's one thing. Almost not like a sippy box, like those little box juice boxes. But it could still be the same shape as a cup.

But maybe it's permanently sealed and they find a way instead of holding the drinks under the soda fountain or the pop machine or whatever you want to call it. Somehow it's like injected, like through a hose or something. Like they just kind of plug it in and they kind of blast your liquid in and then seal it. Kind of the way they went about sealing all the pharmaceutical products after the big Tylenol scare back in the 80s. Remember in the 80s?

They just used to leave pill bottles open. You could go to the pharmacy and just unscrew the top and they had a piece of cotton in it. That was the barrier between you and the outside world. Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex? No, yes, yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse.

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Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harland to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping. Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. You took the lid off a bottle of aspirin or Tylenol and there was like a little, it's like a cloud. A little pill cloud of cotton.

And once you pulled that off, there, behold, there's the pills. And then some jackwad went in and unscrewed some lids and dropped a bunch of poison in with a bunch of the pills. And that prompted the whole, now all the pill bottles are sealed with silver tinfoil or some kind of cardboard pressurized seal. and so maybe that's what we do. We make this one piece seal where it's a straw and a lid all combined in one and it's fused right to the cup

and then maybe there's a little hole in the bottom of the cup where you inject your favorite beverage. So everything's self-contained. And if it's all paper or it's some kind of disposable paper, you know, I posted the thing on my Twitter a while back where they actually have a biodegradable water bottle. And I talked to a few people about it and they're like, it's a great idea, but it's not that great of an idea

if you end up, you know, putting the water bottle on your shelf or in your fridge and maybe you forget about it and it starts to biodegrade and now your liquids are all over the place. But when you get a drink at a drive-thru or, at a fast food place. It's rare you're going to keep that drink for more than three weeks. You're probably going to drink that drink within an hour. And if you save it overnight, like I did, maybe within 24 hours, right?

So suddenly, why don't we use biodegradable plastic or cardboard or something for these soft drinks? and then the straw and the lid and the cup or whatever it is, the liquid holder biodegrades within two weeks or whatever the time limit is. So anyways, food for thought, but this is the world we live in now. No more straws, man. God, I wouldn't want to be a scarecrow. Hello. Hello?

Hello. Hey, Harlan. It's Kyle in Vancouver. Just want to say big congratulations on your podcast. It doesn't have to be sad, ending. All the very best is everything in the future. You're going to do amazing. And I know I can speak on behalf of the other pavement founders.

We're going to be right here with you, buddy. Is it the whole thing? And, man, you're one of the people, one of these people that I just want you to be, keep going, be so healthy and good and happy so we can have you as long as possible. You've got so much wisdom to spread. you're so the silliness my man the best trait almost you're and the humility and the openness

and you did such a good job of telling kind of people what you think in a good polite and open way man you're a role model keep going love you so much I want to just keep going with these adjectives but eventually we've got to get to the part where I go chicken tell me

Oh, man, Kyle, that made my day, man. Thank you. What a sweet, sweet, sweet phone message. That means the world to me. Thank you so much for your kind, kind words and your generous praise. It just, you know, what really warms me is to know that, you know, I don't think about those things when I do, when I do. lay down the podcast. I really kind of just think about talking and hopefully making you laugh and

maybe think a little bit. But as you said, hearing the adjectives you threw out there, you know, so many other things that seem to have stimulated you and came to you through the podcast are not things that I kind of planned on. And so it's very interesting to hear that stuff. And it's very, I don't know, it's surprising to a degree because, you know, when I do the podcast, I'm just being me and I just offer up what I normally would. And so I never thought of myself as being transparent and open and this and that. Like I just, I guess it's when you're just somebody, like all of us, when you, when you are what you are, I guess you're not really aware of what you are sometimes, you know?

so it's a little revealing to me to hear what you're saying, but it sounds like it's all good stuff, and it sounds like most importantly that it's brought you some good things, some good feelings, and so that makes me very happy. And yes, the podcast ending is not a sad thing by any means. I hope all of us just are celebrating it. I know I'm celebrating the fact that I've been able to put so much into, it and do so much and have so much fun with it. So it's really a celebration of a thousand

episodes. And what's really exciting too, as I said, I'm kind of moving on to some other things and I've already been working hard on them. I've already been, you know, like I said, a lot of times I did the podcast just to make myself laugh. And the new stuff that I haven't really told you about yet that I'm already working on is making me laugh. out loud when I'm working on it so that's a good sign to me you know and so I'm excited to be able to tell you about the new projects very soon but it's good news when I'm laughing at my own stuff at least I'm having fun and my theory has always been if I'm having fun hopefully other people are having fun so so hey buddy Kyle thank you my Canadian brother

good old Canadian Kyle thank you so much for the kind voicemail and really appreciate it man chicken chow main to you too brother all right roj i think uh should we do a crazy news story yes rodge just gave me the thumbs up and the middle finger thanks roj uh let's do it crazy news story the harland highway crazy news story that's weird wow that's strange stuff Oh, God. Oh, God. This, this story should make you want to get earplugs. Not yet, because you won't be able to hear the rest of my podcast. But after the podcast's over, run out and get ear plugs. Ready?

Here's why. Listen to this headline. Woman lived with cockroach in her ear for nine days after it crawled in while she was sleeping. Good Lord. I mean, she must have a fine ear, man. I mean, bugs are always kind of on the move, right? Like, how long does a bug sit still? You know, they run under the couch, they run under the fridge, they run up the wall, they run through the bathroom.

I mean, this girl's inner ear must have been tricked out with shag carpet and a disco ball and a full-on man cave or something, man. I mean, nine days? Who stays anywhere? I don't even stay at a nice hotel for nine days. Here's the story. And of course, in Florida, everything seems to happen in Florida, doesn't it?

A Florida woman lived through a real-life nightmare last month and is now sharing how she came to learn that a cockroach crawled into her ear while she was sleeping. Katie Hawley, who recently purchased a new home with her husband, and say they've been diligent about hiring an exterminator to spray every three months in order to keep the cockroaches at bay. However, one night she woke up after feeling like someone had placed a chip of ice in my left earhole. You don't hear that sentence every day. Somebody placed a chip of ice in my left earhole.

I got it after that one. I got to do a... That's what she said. Someone placed a chip of ice in my left earhole. left earhole. That's what she said. But Katie goes on to say, but it was something way worse. Holly said she went to the bathroom and used a cotton swab to investigate, but to her horror, felt something move. Oh, God. Oh, God. Here we go. Quote, when I pulled the cotton swab out, there were two dark brown skinny pieces stuck to the tip moments later i came to the realization that they were legs oh how many of you have had legs in your ear legs that can only belong to an adventurous palmetto bug exploring my ear

canal that's what she said i'm just throwing those in there because it's you know exploring my ear canal That's what she said. Holly said her husband confirmed her fears that a roach had crawled into her ear, and they tried to pull it out with a pair of tweezers but only managed to get two legs out. God, doesn't this remind you one of those roadside car crashes where they got the jaws of life and somebody's like, T-bone someone, and the cars flipped in the air and the ambulance guys are trying to trying to pull the body out and they just pull out a couple of legs.

Yikes. They rushed to the local hospital where a doctor administered a numbing agent that would also work to kill the bug. Yeah, it's called off. Hey, can you help me? Yeah. I just sprayed deep woods off in your ear.

I might want to try sleeping inside, lady. But this was in my bedroom. Yeah, right. I wonder how they react in the emergency room to that one. You know, someone comes running in. Emergency, emergency. Oh, my God, what is it? There's a cockroach in my ear.

Next. As the doctor administered lytocaine, ooh, that sounds, is that something you, it sounds like a party drug. The roach began to react, she wrote. feeling a roach in the throes of death lodged in a very sensitive part of your body is like anything I can adequately explain. That's what she said.

I don't know why I keep thinking this story is sexual. I mean, the way she wrote it. Lodged in a very sensitive part of your body is unlike anything I can adequately explain. That's what she said. The doctor removed what he said was the entire cockroach in three pieces and Holly was given a prescription for antibiotics. Oh, you know that thing was laying eggs in there.

And what was it eating? Ear wax? I mean, what the hell is it? Cockroaches are ravenous. They love to eat. What was it eating in there? Hopefully it wasn't eating like her inner ear. Gee, this gonocular.

tastes delicious. This sternum tastes delicious. This anvil and hammer taste, whatever the ear parts are called. This inner eardrum could use a little gravy. Nine days later, she was still experiencing pain. She had said that she told her primary care doctor what had happened, and a physician assisted and flushed out her ear. four times

they discovered what she thought might be another leg good Lord yeah these cockroaches don't have two legs they got like six or seven or eight and aren't they the kind of weird like don't they always say that

at the end of a nuclear bomb cockroaches will still be running around during the nuclear fallout like nothing can kill them so I doubt a little ear-flush is going to get rid of that puppy. My physician proceeded to remove the leg and flush my ear again,

only to examine it and see even more remnants. She ended up pulling out six more pieces of the roach's carcass nine days after the incident took place. Good. What the how big was this roach? You sure wasn't like a centipede or something? Or a buffalo? Instead of sending her home, the doctor suggested she see a specialist to ensure the entire bug was removed. Well, how about go see a spider?

How about that? I don't want no doctor in my ear. I want like a black widow on my face or a tarantula. Go get them, boy. Go down in my ear and have a feast. I got a buffet going on in the side of my head. Get in there. She continues.

Once I got situated in the fancy chair in his office later that day, the ENT placed some sort of microscope beside my ear. He didn't say much, but he did confirm there was still something in there. Using a tool that looked like very large scissors, he extracted the entire head, upper torso, more limbs, and an antennae. Oh my God Good God, man Holly said that the ENT told her She was the second case he had seen that day She said she now sleeps with earplugs

And that they had the exterminator come back to the house To respray Well, I hope he resprayed right in the side of her freaking skull Because Lord love a lemon bush These roaches, man, they just won't go away. So word to the wise, man. Put something in your ears.

And, you know, I hate to sound crass, but I don't know. Do we want to start plugging the other holes in our body? I figure if a cockroach is going to go in your ear, what's to stop them from going into your nose or even other places? You wouldn't want a cockroach up the old chocolate caboose for nine days, would you? Wow. Although in that case, you probably wouldn't need a doctor. He could just come out and be like, he'd be like on the log ride at Disneyland.

You know, just one day you sit down to drop the kids off and all of a sudden you're, yay, woo, yay! There's a cockroach that's six arms in the air. sliding out yay all right we've gone too far maybe maybe i need to have a doctor's give me a mouth plug how about that um so there you go gang uh plug your ears but once again only after the harland highway is over yeah The Harland Highway question of the day. Okay, here it is.

Here is the Harland Highway question of the day. And it's kind of an important one, but it's a little bit weird and scary, too. The question is, do you really know who people are? And I'm saying this kind of in the vein of professional people. Okay? Like doctors, lawyers, surgeons, teachers, people that we kind of have an expectation of being kind of the sane, kind of smart, kind of grounded people. Because of the work they do, it's a very cerebral profession. We assume it takes a lot of intelligence and a lot of commitment and a lot of education and yada, yada, right?

but then you go out into the world and you meet people that are in these said occupations and you go wait a what wait a second what this person's bad shit crazy this person's crazier than than my hippie friends I mean I don't know if you've met people in your life that just surprised you at the way they were or the way they were when they, you know,

conducted themselves off hours. But just case and point, okay? Recently I was at a social function at a little party. And, you know, it was kind of a high-end, you know, a little get-together at a prominent person's house. And so most of the guests there were like a car. accomplished people and whatnot, and just standing around eating a little grub, having a donut and talking.

This girl was beside me and my friend, and I started, oh, what are you doing? She goes, oh, I'm a criminal defense attorney. And right away, my ears kind of pricked. I'm going, oh, okay, this is probably an intelligent person. This is a, you know, a well-versed person in the world. This is a person with an important job, probably a high level of education and communication and blah, blah, blah. And within about, I don't know, I'd say about five to six minutes of talking to her with my friend, this criminal defense lawyer, this young girl probably in her, I think she was in her late 30s,

she openly started bragging about driving drunk how she liked to drive drunk and that she was quote unquote good at it and me and my buddy are like pressing her like saying you're joking right and no she was very serious and then she proceeded to my good friend who was just recently gone through some surgery mentioned that he had done so,

and right out of her mouth, she goes, do you have any opioids? Do you have any drugs? And he's like, what are you talking about? She goes, I want your opioids. I want your whatever, you know, whatever the oxy cottons or whatever the opioid go-to drug is these days. And he's like, oh, well, you know, I have them.

They gave me a bunch. I guess I could give you one. She goes, no, I want a whole bunch. And I'm just like, what the hell is going on, man? And it just kind of blew my mind. And here she was drinking and kind of carrying it on. And she was very foul-mouthed. She's like, oh, she goes, oh, yeah, I'm a bitch.

And I'm like, what do you mean? Like, like, at work, she goes, no, I'm just a bitch in general. And I like being a bitch. And I got to say, the girl, she was actually quite charming. and she was interesting, she was charismatic, short little girl, kind of a little bit chubby. Definitely a big personality, but here I am thinking, here's a woman representing the law. And within the first, you know, 10 minutes of talking to her, she's made it quite evident and quite proud, quite proudly stating that she has no regard for the law.

She enjoys a driving drug. She wants to consume illegal drugs at great quantities. I mean, it was just bizarre. And so my question is of the day is, do you meet these people? Does it freak you out? I've had other instances. I did a comedy festival in Scotland once, the Edinburgh Fringe Festival. And it's where comedians and entertainers from all over the world

fill the city of Edinburgh for for a month and put on shows and there was these two English guys who were who we met and they were doctors they were full blown like family physicians and they were doing a show that was sold out every night well you know me and my comedian friends were struggling to sell tickets because there's like a thousand acts in the city so it's like you got to fight everyone to get noticed and these these two doctors their whole gimmick was they do a show talking about being doctors, but the hook of the show is that as they did the show,

they got completely obliterated, completely not just drunk, but like falling down, hammered. And this continued after the show right into the after party every night. Like every night all the performers would get together at special, you know, special bars and every, you know, everyone would hang there, and every freaking night I would see these two doctors, family doctors, just completely, barely even able to talk, boasting about their show and boasting about how much they drank and boasting about how much money they made.

And I was just like, what the hell is going on? And then recently in the last year, I had an acquaintance who was actually a surgeon. I think a brain surgeon to be exact. And I witnessed this individual driving on pills and alcohol and smashing into a car and smashing into some other items. And the police showing up and arresting this surgeon, like a brain surgeon, like getting him right out of his car and putting cuffs on him. And, you know, this is a guy with two little kids. And I'm like, wait, what? This is how brain surgeons act when they're not cutting into your head with a scalpel.

They're driving around jacked up on meds, smashing into stuff, getting arrested. I remember a guy when I was younger, he was one of these ambulance guys. He was one of these guys that drove around in an ambulance and answered 911 calls. And I remember him telling me how he'd be out all men. night completely freaking hammered and then he'd get in the ambulance and he'd still be hung over and he said they'd be drinking while they were well they were going to calls and showing up and completely hammered and oh my god i'm like wait what so it makes you wonder man i'm not saying all professionals or all people are at this level but you know i expect this

no offense if you're a truck driver or a forklift driver or a forklift driver a comedian or a, you know, some of them with a job where they're kind of more of their own boss and they're not really like dealing with people's problems and health issues and stuff directly. You know, like I can picture a taxi cab guy or an accountant or a grocery clerk or, you know, someone who washes cars or any type of job, you know. But jobs that take such a high level of service. skill and and concentration and and focus these are not like medial jobs man and to see these people like boy does it really throws you for a loop so that's that's the that's the harland highway

question of the day man but beware ask questions find out about the people you're working with question of the day is do you really know who people are god the harland highway question Question of the day. Hello? Hello. Hey, Arland. It's Ethan from Dallas. I heard your podcast is getting canceled or whatever.

I don't know. I couldn't listen a while back after I found out that you were a shark advocate. You're out there pushing your shark politics and being all shark wingy. Whatever, bro. It is what it is, you know. You're going to support? whatever species you're going to support you pick sharks i can't be a part of that so whatever man i'm just going to go home i need a big bowl of shark chow main i like it i like it a little play on

the whole uh you know i got i got some calls from people saying similar things because i liked donald trump oh i can't listen to your show anymore because you like donald trump so i think i i I think it's funny that, you know, insert anything. You know, people will find a reason to tune you out. Ooh, sharks or what, you know, I was talking about sharks. So I like that call. Clever. Clever, I like it.

Thank you, buddy. One cheeseburger with everything coming up. Space, the final frontier. These are the voyages of the Starship Enterprise, her five-year mission to seek out new life to boldly go where no man has ever gone before. Her five-year mission to Kirk! To boldly go.

Kirk! Excuse me, I'm trying to run a starship. No, you're not... How did you get in here? I don't understand what you mean. I'm the captain of the starship. Captain James D. Kirk, I oversee this whole operation. No, you don't.

Kirk, for the 900th time... Can we stop the music? Stop the music! Now! Kirk! Yes, that is my name. Captain James... Dickirk, if you don't mind.

I do mind. Now listen, for the 900th time, this is not the USS Enterprise. This is my control room. This is my studio where I do my podcast. You are not supposed to be in here, okay? I understand and appreciate what you're saying, but at the same time, I must complete my mission. What mission?

If you hadn't interrupted my intro to Boldly go Where no man has gone before To seek out new life to Boldly go And oh man You've said boldly go over and over Boldly go where

This is an office building What are you boldly going to go down to the cafeteria? You're boldly going to go Into the elevator I've been in the elevator many times as you know, it takes me down to my quarters on the lower deck. Stop it. Okay, just stop it.

Now, I was kind of hoping I'd get through the rest of the podcast and no offense, but not have you be in here again. I'm not sure I understand what you mean before they have. Well, everybody knows and, well, maybe. I don't know because I've been traveling through the galaxy looking for new life, new boldly going where no man has gone before. Stop!

I'm ending the podcast. I'm sorry. I am, the podcast is coming to an end, Kirk. I do believe what you're saying. It's your five-year mission is over. It wasn't five years. It was almost ten years, I think. And, you know, it's run its course, and you've boldly looked for a new life, new world.

No, I haven't looked. I've just done the podcast, and it's done its time, and we're moving on. Are you boldly going where no man has gone before to sick? No! Stop it! I'm just I'm moving into a new space Space

The Final Frontier These are the voyages Stop the music Of the Starship Enterpriser Five year mission To seek out new life To boldly go Stop the music

Would you stop making everything About you and your space mission In an office building by the way I'm not sure what you may about that. What I mean is look out the window, okay? Do you see up there in the sky? That is space. Okay? You are in an office building in a recording studio. I won't be deceived by your Klingon space tricks. They are not Klingon space tricks, Kirk. Now, if I can get back to reality here, Please do. I'm getting weary of your weird talk. I'm not. We are wrapping things up. I'm clearing a new space. Well, why don't you allow me to clear some new space for you? What does that mean?

Well, let me just throw all this garbage around the room into the garbage. And Kirk, don't, don't throw that stuff in the garbage. That is my personal property. I'm clearing new space so that you can have a new adventure in space. You must have space to get to space. Stop it! Leave my stuff alone. Please get out of here. I know it's always interesting when you come and visit, but come on, guy. I must get back to my mission. I'm afraid I can't comply with your request.

Yes, you will. This is my studio. If you want to come in here and fantasize when I'm gone, have at it, buddy. But up until the day I vacate the premises, this is my studio. It is not your command control. This is not the USS Enterprise. And there is no Star Trek, whatever it is, whatever wacky world you're locked into.

Do you mind if I have a cigarette before you go? A cigarette? Who smokes anymore? I like to smoke on the bridge to relax during these. stressful confrontations in outer space. We are... In outer... Okay, yeah, we're out in outer space.

Sure, light up a cigarette on the bridge of the USS Enterprise and calm yourself down, Kirk. Thank you very much. I think I will. Thank you. Whoa, what are you doing? What do you mean? What, what is that a gun?

This is my Star Trek command issued laser phaser gun. What did you just do? I'm lighting my cigarette. You're lighting your cigarette with a phaser. That is correct. They're very hot. They generate much heat.

I like to stop. You just burned a hole in my ceiling. I'm sorry, but you did say I could have a cigarette. You know what? Thank you for coming. Can you please get out? By Starfleet Authority, I'm not allowed to vacate my bridge under any circumstances.

What, under any's, what about if there's an emergency? Ah, that is the one circumstance that I could vacate the bridge. Well, okay, Kirk, guess what? I heard through a telegram that the dilithium crystals are melting down in the engine room downstairs. Oh, what did you just say? You heard me, the dilithium crystals that run the USS Enterprise are, are melting down in the... Say no more.

I am heading down to the control room in the basement, to the engine room. I must stop. Any disaster from happening. Yeah, that's right. Just head out the door and get on the elevator and go all the way down to the garage and then out, out into the street. I'm not sure what that means, but I do know my way down to my own engine room. Thank you very much.

You better hurry, Kirk. It's a real emergency. I understand your haste, and I look forward to seeing you someday down the road in another galaxy or somewhere out in space. Yeah, yeah, we'll see you down the road. Thanks for being part of the podcast, Captain James T. Kirk. You are most welcome, safe travels, and by all means, watch out for Clingons. Yeah, I'll watch out for Clingons, Kirk.

You just get down to the engine room, and happy trails, buddy. Happy trails wandering through space. A five-year mission. I know, get out. God. Roger, thanks a lot for letting him in. I was going to end the podcast with something else. And here I'm fighting with a guy who's delusional,

who somehow thinks that my recording studio is the bridge of the USS Enterprise. What is wrong with that guy? Well, I ran out of time to do, so I'll pick it up next podcast. But kind of, I guess kind of nice to hear Captain James T. Kirk one last time before I have to go. And he brought us a lot of laughs and a lot of perspective and a lot of whatever he brings. That's it for today, gang. Thank you for being here on the USS, on the Harland Highway. A little announcement before we go.

This weekend, yours truly this weekend coming up, May 2nd, 3rd, 4th, and 5th. I will be in Las Vegas at Caesar's Palace doing stand-up comedy at Jimmy Kimmel's New Comedy Club, located inside of Caesar Palace. So that'll be fun. I think it's opening weekend. And after one of the shows on Thursday night, I'll be hanging with my buddy Adam Carolla. on his podcast. We're going to broadcast live from Jimmy's Club, so very cool.

And so if you're in the Las Vegas area, come check me out. May 2nd through the 5th, Caesar's Palace. And then the following week, I'm in Washington, D.C. at the brewhouse doing stand-up May 10th and 11th. And then the following weekend, oh, my gosh, I'm in Pee. Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, at the improv doing stand-up May 16th through the 19th. All these dates are on my website, so please check it out. And look forward to seeing you at some of these shows. So there you go, gang.

Thank you so much for being here. Keep it real in the deal. Watch out for Klingons. And until next time, chicken. Chao-Me. Baby? I've been in the elevator many times. As you know, it takes me down to my quarters on the lower deck. I...