The Harland Highway - 996 - CRAZY news story. STAND UP COMEDY by Harland. When someone reaches out for help!

Episode Date: June 4, 2019

CRAZY news story. STAND UP COMEDY by Harland. When someone reaches out for help! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

It is time for the greatest show on earth, ladies and gentlemen. Well, that's to be debated. But, you know, I try my best. Welcome to the Harlan Highway. Yes, we're right at the edge of Monday, once again. Probably a little bit over. But, you know, we're getting her done, man. Great show today.

Interesting show. We start the show with some stand-up comments. A recording of some of my stand-up comedy where things got a little weird and I experimented and I'll tell you more about it as we get into the show but about a 20-minute clip of my live stand-up and then we do a crazy news story that's almost a little too disgusting to even talk about

but you know me, once I start, I can't stop. And then the end of the show, a little more serious tone I got an email, a direct message to my Twitter. I got a voicemail from a fine gentleman who was struggling with depression and struggling with loneliness. And he kind of reached out to me randomly, and I don't really usually respond to this stuff, but he just seemed like he was in a place where he needed a friend. And so I will tell you the story of how I reached out, and you will hear his phone call. And we're going to talk about when we go to those dark places.

So let's do it. This is the Harland Highway. You know my name? It's on the marriage certificate. I've never seen you before in all my life. Hold on to your airbag. You're heartless, heartless monsters. All of you, through and through.

You're riding down the Harland Highway. Oh, yeah! When you see a fallen stock, that means a witch has just died. You clumsy idiot? The Harland Highway. All I want is to hear people say something again and to see people moving again. I'm Floyd Bernie, a rockabilly boy. Don't you understand?

You're listening to Harlan Williams. I can't be your daughter. I'm a machine. Man, you've been dead a thousand years. My George, I think he's got it. You're riding down the Harland Highway with Harland. Williams. What's up, Doc?

Mr. If you're going to lose, you're going to lose right now. Don't leave me here! Welcome to the Grand Illusion. Come on in and see what's happening. Yeah. Come on in. See what's happening. Hey, gang, I want to start the show with something that's kind of fun.

You know, I did this show on the week. weekend at the world famous comedy store on the incredible sunset strip. And this club is really hopping right now. It's kind of having this big resurgence, and they're bringing in all the, dare I say, the best of the best. I mean, there's a real scene going on at the comedy store in Hollywood, and it's kind of the place to be right now. There's a real buzz, a real vibe. and there's a lot of great comedians. And so I'm going up there every week and doing stuff.

And I did a show, I think, on Friday night, where I was just in a silly mood and I was experimenting. And I was, you know, that's what I like to do. And I've told you guys before, when I do local shows, I like to, I don't really like to do my traditional act. I like to work on new material. I like to experiment. And so a couple of things happened during this act.

that I really liked. There was one that was really cool where there was his gentleman, this African-American gentleman, and I started talking to him in the crowd, and he had this super deep voice, just like this real deep. I can't even go that deep.

I mean, wait, you hear it. I'm going to play it for you. So I had a really fun exchange with this guy with the deep voice and I actually handed him the microphone and got him to talk because I was just so enamored with his beautiful voice. So you'll hear that in the set.

And then the other thing I did, which really, you kind of have to see it, but I think you'll get the gist of it. At one point in my set, I just thought to myself, you know, I'm not going to talk. I'm not going to do any more, you know, verbal material.

I'm just going to stand up here and stare at the crowd and I'm just going to do this with my mouth. So basically I just, I pursed my lips, And then I open my lips slowly, and it kind of makes this sound. It's like, right? Did you hear that?

I'll do it again. I was like, it's kind of gross and disgusting. It's just like, and then at the end of like opening my mouth, I'd kind of leave my mouth hanging open. And I just kind of stare at the crowd, and they didn't know what to do. And some people, you can, I don't know if you can pick them up, but some are, you can hear them go.

please stop doing that. Please stop. It made people uncomfortable. It made them giggle. It made them. It was just like, and just when they thought it was going to stop, I'd do it again. I'd be like, and I wouldn't say it. I'd just leave it hanging and stare at them.

Oh, my God, I was cracking up. I was definitely making myself laugh. And there was a few people that were just loving it. And the rest of the room, I think, was bewildered and confused. And that was the beauty of it, man. It was like a full room, like a packed house. And here I am, like, I don't know how long it lasted, but I just kept going.

And it's just so fun to toy with people. And that's the beauty of stand-up, man. You can do whatever you want. And sometimes it's not about a clever, crafted joke or, you know, a beautifully, beautifully forged story. Sometimes comedy can just be something as stupid as going making a disgusting noise with your mouth. So I don't know.

I haven't listened back to this yet, so I don't know if it'll translate well, but I did it right into the microphone. So hopefully you'll hear it. And if you don't hear it, you just hear like a big quiet spot, then that's me making these noises. So I thought I'd play this for you. There's a lot of experimentation.

The set doesn't start off very well. because you won't understand the bits, but the first couple of bits I was literally quoting the comic who was on before me. I was kind of referencing his material thinking they laugh at that and they kind of didn't, and so I was just kind of hanging there.

But again, I kind of like hanging there. It's when you're hanging there that you find the cool stuff, you know? If you always know where you're going, you never arrive at anywhere weird or different, right? So I kind of like to just, just go down little side streets with my comedy and see where it takes me, you know? So here it is. I hope you enjoy it.

This sets, I think it's about 19 minutes long. I'll play you the whole thing, and there's some new material I was trying, and hopefully you'll get a kick out of it. So here it is. Yours truly at the World Famous Comedy Store on the Sunsets Trip, making crazy mouth noises. Play it, Raj. Mr. Harlan Williams, ladies

Hello, Harlan Williams. How about a ham for my son, isn't he great? He's pre-off. He's going to be a girl in the morning. Give him with him. I'm hung like a seal, an elephant seal. Okay. If you could sit down trying to start my show.

I had a weird week, man. You remember I'm a weird week, bro? Weird week for me. I went over to Jiffyloob yesterday. You ever been there a little buddy? Okay, go over to Jiffy Lube, and I'm a good guy, I'm a nice guy. You know that man when I'm standing outside your window looking at. I go over to Jiffy Lube, right, Brosh?

And I go over to Jifflip, I say to the guy, real nice to go, how much, bro? And he goes, 65 bucks, right? And I'm going, okay, okay, that sounds good, let's do it, right? And he's like, uh, sir, where's your? car. And I'm like, car, what am I in fucking high school? I don't want to do with a car, bro. I see the hydraulic lift back there. Let's get daddy on it. Let's ride. No, okay. I like long walks on the beach. I had my identity stolen.

You ever have that happened, little buddy? No? No. You will. You will? Anyone? Guy, you have a beer? Do you ever had your identity stolen, bro? You did? It's pretty weird, right?

A porn site? Yeah, yeah. Well, they probably didn't need to reveal that. I had my identity stolen and I knew. stolen and I knew it was stolen because I got home that night and it was in my bed. I was like, fuck, I might as well sleep with him. He's me, right? Okay, let's try shift gear. Let's try something else. How are you, man? You good? You ever snap your back and crawl up

the stairs upside down like Linda Blair from the end. No, you will. I was at the shell station down here about three hours ago, and this sucks when this has probably happened with you guys here. ISIS, you've probably had it happen. I'm at the shell station down here, bro, at Melrose and Lasciano, even though they don't be. Remember on this happen? You're at the shell station and you shove your you know what through a glory hole and you hit a baby owl in the fucking eye with your mushroom cap.

Okay, let's switch gears to hand. You can sit down there and try to do a show. How are you my love you good? What's your name, my tender child? Snahid. Nahid. I love that name. You don't hear that name very often

unless you're watching Star Wars. It's a beautiful man. Where's it from? Is everyone to ask her where it's from? Where's it from, man? Persian or Arabic. Persian or Arabic. She doesn't know who she is.

And I bet it has a meaning like rising sun or blossoming lotus flower. What is it? It means Venus. Okay, Venus, little buddy is one of the planets. Do you know about the planet's little buddy? You're on the porn site, you probably know all about your Venus. How are you, ma'am? You ever shove your ass in a fish tank and see how many bubbles you can blast?

You walked. You're not. Ma'am, if you can uncross your arms, trying to do a shuff. How are you, little guy? Look like a big barrel of fun. What's your name, kid? What is it? Marlow.

I love it. I love it. Great name. Great name. An Indonesian girl's name. What do you do, little Fred? A film student. Your film student.

Holy shit. Maybe time for a toothbrush. Sir, if you could close your legs and smells. Texting and driving, little buddy, you can unpeal your peer label and doing a show. That tells me you're not focusing on peeling a beer label. probably stood in line to get the front fucking sea. And you're peeling a fucking beer label. Why don't you just bring a fucking Rubik's Q and enjoy the show?

Wanna go out and do a fucking crop circle later with your fucking onion-soaked ball sack? So good luck, man, a little Chinese roasted hillbilly. How are you, but do you ever go to the pet shop and buy one of those goldfish with the big bulgy eyes and dangle it over your face and pretend you're teabagging yourself? What? You, well, it's going to happen. You gotta believe. I don't believe. Something.

So you can take your hand off your chin. Texting and driving will get you killed. Will get you killed have you heard this guy have you heard this texting anybody text and drive be honest little buddy you probably do it when you're not out in the field throwing walnuts at baby walruses Anybody text from the drive do you do it ma'am? You look like you guilty person Texting and driving will get you killed case and point I'm going down the 405 yesterday 65 miles an hour I look beside me Old lady in a minivan texting while she's driving. Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex?

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Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. I rammer. Dead, not on my watch. Not on my watch. Onion soup slurping, sunglasses covered,

real cheese flipping, varicose vein, sucking, mothball, fucking, fucking sweater knitting, fucking bingo playing, fucking waffle licking, Chinese fucking dildo stuffing, fucking gray,

fucking powdery wig, sucking, dirty, fucking, dirty, fucking leaky chow bathwater gobbling, fucking old bag. Does that bother you, ma'am? Why does that remind you a Rebel Wilson's bicycle seat? Strange crowd. Ha ha ha ha ha.

Sorry if you can smash your face on the table. Where are you from, my friend? African American, gentlemen, right in the second row. African American. What did you name, friend? Isaac. Sue to that voice. Fuck, I love that voice. It just drew me off my game.

It was deep, it was sensual, sort of erotic. That's what they say. Can you do me a little favor before I continue? I'm going to give you the mic. And it's not to me, but I just want to hear you say, come over here, baby, and sit on daddy's laugh. Come over. How many people?

How many people just came right? You know, right? You probably fucking came before even stood up. Do you like that, little buddy? You can have whatever you want. Whatever you want in life. You can walk up to a beautiful woman and go, lay me some fucking turtale eggs.

She just starts squirting eggs out. Sir, I see a texting over there. you're blowing either tinkerbell's giving you a blow job or you're from fucking Chernobyl so you're fucking illuminated sir big emergency who are you texting from i was googling your name you were googling my name you're you realize i'm right fucking here You'd rather watch me on your phone than see me in real life. You ever peel a fucking beer label, bro? I think I just found your Kenny Jean-haired lover.

Come over here and sit on daddy's lap. How are you little, you good? You just made eye contact me. I made eye contact with it. Intense. It's intense, right? I have intense icon. That's my whole act.

I don't really have jokes with it. If I stare, my stare is like your voice in my eyes. If I had your voice with my gaze, right? I could probably stare at a woman and get her to take her top off. Let me see who... Who's the group of me, too, I want to see tonight? Who's got the best aerial eyes in the house? Okay, not tonight.

I want to talk about something. It's important. It's tough to talk about. It's indicative of our times, but I heard a term recently. You've probably heard of my funny little catfish anus sucking friend. White privilege. You heard this term?

White privilege. Notice the room got kind of quiet and comfortable. It's not an easy thing. It's not an easy thing to talk about, gang. But I stepped into it. I stepped into the white privilege thing. About four days ago, I was at an airport. I was over here at LAX, Los Angeles, Xylophone.

I was going to go me on a little trip. Yeah, you know, go me on a little trip. That's right. Sometimes I talk like the Hulk. I got my suitcases, right, Prosh? Standing at the counter waiting to go up and check my big old bags. An ethnic couple standing beside me, husband and wife, beautiful ethnic couple. Doesn't matter what ethnicity they are.

Everyone's the same to me, right guy? Everyone's the same to me. Lady summons me over. I walk up with my bags. I'm just about to check them in. ethnic gentleman, leaves his wife, comes over to me, very irate, and lights me up. And it doesn't matter what ethnicity is, but he gets in my grill. And he's like, hey, man, you fucking butted in front of me, I say.

And again, it doesn't matter what is this is. And I go, excuse me, because you fucking butted in front of me and my wife, Holmes. I said, sir, I did not butt in front of you, my friend. and he goes, oh yeah, you cut right in front of us. You got white fucking privilege, that's it? And I said, what did you say? Because you got white fucking privilege homes. And I looked at him very compassionately,

and I said, sir, I am so terribly sorry. And if you and your beautiful wife wouldn't mind carrying my bags to get me? Because if I got it, I'm going to fucking use it. It's not easy to be white now, is it? It's not easy to be white today. I wouldn't want to be a fucking albino today. Oh, there's skinning those fuckers.

If I was an albino, I'd be hiding in a cauliflower patch in Ohio. And by the way, if an albino, if an albino, Bleach is their asshole. Would anyone know? You know I'm going to have trouble sleeping tonight because of your voice. That green mile voice? Take my hand, Bob. I remember that scene where he reaches through the bars and grabs Tom Hanks in the cop.

And all the flies. him out of his fucking mouth, and you're thinking, what the fuck has Tom Hanks been eating? Who's next, bro? My labia's getting dry. I got to wrap this thing up. My labus gets a parched. What's the labia goes?

The plits right behind. So there you go. That's good, bro. That's pretty much the last little bit right there. So, you know, like I said, you might have had to have been there, but I thought I'd play it for you. It was kind of a weird, low-key, like meandering set that I did.

But that's how I learn. That's how I explore. That's how I probe. That's how I find, you know, the starting point for a new bit. The one bit that was brand new in there was the somebody stole my identity. So I'm starting to figure that one out. Every time I do it, I find a new little layer to it. new piece, so that's

how it works, man. So there you go. Little stand-up comedy fun, and thanks for playing it. Hope you enjoyed it. And let's just keep on. Moving on, baby. One cheeseburger with everything

coming up. Hello? Hello. Hello. Hi. This is Espanelva. And I have your basket. We've been weaving them for days and days. and they are in all multi-colors, and they are ready for you. You can use your Chau Min, you can, they are, you will find them at the address provided in this envelope

that you will see in your hands, and we will see you very shortly again, Esther Nelva, Roder Breguez, Conchita, kick up your basket. Okay, a little aggressive there, Rosita, Chokita, Espinoza, Popaliza, or whatever the hell your name is. And Esronova, Roderriguez, Conchita, pick up your basket. Whoa, it sounded like her name was going to keep going. Did you hear? She was like, Rosita, Esplanosa, Chakida, don't just pick up your basket. Pick up your basket.

Just pick up your mother fucking basket. Please, hurry up, pick it up. You ever get that? You ever get like a weird phone call and it's clearly not for you? But you sit there and you wonder, did the person call me like not hear my voicemail? Like, you know, I'm a comedian. I try to be funny.

So my voice message on my phone is, I go, hey, this is Harlan, I'm not here. Leave me a message, and we'll leave the light on for you. You know, the line from the Motel 6, we're Motel 6, and we'll leave the light on for you. So that's my message. Now, does this lady just disregard? Like, first of all, I have an unusual name. So I clearly go, hi, this is Harland. Does her basket order form say baskets for Harland?

And then, you know, if I throw in the Motel 6 thing, shouldn't that be a signal? I mean, God. Hello, hi, this is Espanelva, and I have your basket. We've been weaving them for days and days. Days and day, you've been leaving them. I mean, baskets, how big is a basket? They're usually fairly big, right? They're usually the length of a loaf of bread.

I mean, if they've been leaving them for days and days at whoever's house, how many baskets are at this house? And at what point do you stop leaving shit because you realize nobody's picking it up? It's like that crazy house in the neighborhood. You ever see that one house where the mailman, he knows they're not going to pick up the junk, but he just throws the flyer with the elastic band around it and the junk mail and the phone book. And you just see it all over. They're from porch.

And you know nobody's in there. If there's someone's in there, they're probably a corpse and you think it's a haunted house. But the mailman just keeps leaving it. You know, the other papers are so old. They're like sun bleached and they're yellow from the rain. And they're, you know, they're matted to the wood on the porch. But some of these delivery people, do you not have a clue? I mean, would it be smarter to go, hi, this is Esplanza, Rosetta Stone, Patrica,

paprika, Fernandez, Guadaluppa. And we've tried to deliver baskets to your house once, maybe twice, maybe three times. And they're just sitting up front, and nobody's picking them up. So we're going to stop delivering the baskets until we hear from you. Please contact us at blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Okay? You don't just keep delivering stuff. You don't keep stacking stuff up.

But people do this stuff, man. It's weird. Just get a clue. Like, just stop. And then what if this person is in their house and they can't get out because there's like a wall of baskets at their front door? Or maybe they can't get in because there's a wall of baskets. Stop with the baskets. And what are you doing with baskets anyhow?

And they are in all multi-colors. And they are ready for you. You can use your Chalini. You can. They are. You will find. them at the address provided in this envelope that you will see. What the hell is she talking about?

Maybe she's the basket. Like, as in basket case, like, it just sounds like she starts a thought and then switches gears and then goes off and there's a basket and there's an envelope and there's a thing. And then she tries to say her name and she can't even say her own name. She gets frustrated as her own name. and then she gets mad. She's just out, pick up your basket. It's Rosa Marie, Guanzales, Guadalupa.

Just pick up your basket. Again, Esronova, Rosa Raja Griguez, Conchita. Pick up your basket. So there you go. One of the many calls, I get to the Harland Highway hotline, and that one just got me baffled. So if you're listening, Rodgita, Cachola, Capila, Mamola, There's no, you're calling the wrong person.

Don't need any baskets. Go call the right person. Okay? Yeesh. The Harland Highway. Crazy news stories. That's weird. That's strange stuff.

Okay. This one's just, I'm already cringing, Raj. I don't know where you find these stories, but this, this is. one is not making me comfortable. And I think the rest of you should get ready to cringe too. Here we go, ready? Five foot long tapeworm came wiggling out of man's body after he ate sushi. Oh my God.

We're talking five feet, okay? Most humans are about five feet high. Oh, my God. Sushi lovers beware. Great. I actually enjoy sushi. Great. This should be good. A California man who ate sushi every day ended up with a five-foot-plus-long tapeworm

inhabiting his body. The Fresno male went to the emergency room complaining of bloody diarrhea. Okay, right there I should just stop. Shouldn't I just stop? Five-foot-long tapeworm bad enough. Now we've got the first paragraph in and we're into bloody diarrhea. Should I just stop?

I can't. We have to know. Oh, God. There's a picture of this thing, and they stretched it out. And it's like the length of a table. Oh, God. All right. So the emergency room physician was initially skeptical when the man insisted to

residents at a community regional medical center, I really want to get treated for worms until he saw for himself the disgusting proof. Quote, I take out a toilet paper roll and wrapped around it, of course, is what it looks like this giant long tapeworm. Wait, what? I take out a toilet paper roll and wrapped around it, of course, is what's a little. looks like this, okay, this guy can't talk. Maybe the tapeworm's got his tongue.

I don't know. So I guess this guy took out a roll of toilet paper and wrapped the damn tapeworm around the toilet paper roll. So I'm guessing maybe it came out of his butt. And he decided to wrap it around. So as it was coming out, like someone, you know, spooling some thread or wrapping fishing line around a spool. This guy was twirling of toilet paper roll as the tapeworm came out.

Oh, my God. So then he unraveled. It says after being unraveled, the tapeworm ended up being five and a half feet long. The doctor recalled how the patient said he felt the worm wiggling out and felt like his guts were coming out as he sat on the toilet. Oh, God. Should I just stop? really should

he then began to remove the worm which started moving the doctor said the man was relieved it was a tape worm yeah what'd you think it was alien or did you think maybe your dog was missing the patient was treated

with medication to help remove the rest of the worm from his body there was a study published last year pointing out that wild-caught salmon caught off the coast of Alaska may contain tapeworm. The man said he won't be eating any salmon any time soon. No, but your tapeworm might. I mean, dude, you better feed that thing or it might start eating your organs.

God, isn't, aren't we funny? Aren't our humans funny with our crazy? bodies and the weird things that can happen. Can you imagine? And how long was that thing living up there? You know what I mean? Like we don't know how long that damn worm. If it grew over five feet

it'd probably been up there for a while. So picture a worm living in your yard, digging around in the mud in the ground, making little tunnels, eating dirt, or whatever worms eat. And then picture that in your belly

but over five and a half feet long, which in most cases is longer than someone's entire body. What's this thing doing in there? Where's it going? Where can't it go? I mean, you've got to remember the inside of your body is like, it's a toxic place, man. It's full of gases and acids, and it's hot,

and it's full of toxins, and it's full of all kinds of things that aren't healthy. Enzymes, like, you know, it's got defensive mechanisms, bacteria and things that would probably attack a tapeworm. But yeah, this tapeworm just sliding around and all the ooze and the goose and living it up. Hey, fellas, guess what we're having tonight? More sushi.

I mean, this tapeworm's eating better than most homeless people around the country. You know, some homeless people are picking through a garbage can down on Main Street, looking for an old KFC chicken leg. And here's Tommy the tapeworm getting high-end freaking sushi shoved down his throat. What the hell's this? Wow, this tapeworm had a good gig until he went down, Bloody Diarrie Boulevard and came out the wrong hole, man. Oh, God, I wonder how he lured the thing out.

I mean, you know, in fact, maybe I don't. I don't want to know how he lured it out. How do you lure a tapeworm out? I mean, if it's eating sushi, it's got it really good. What better can you entice it? What do you have a, like, a wedge of rare blue cheese that you wait? back and forth in front of your butthole. Ah, come and get this fine European cheese.

Yes, smell the blue cheese wafting through the one-eyed cyclops tunnel. Come, come, and sample this beautiful. And Tommy the tapeworm sticks his head out of your ass and goes, that smells delicious. You know, I've been having sushi for about six weeks straight. I think I'll get me some fine European blue cheese. Geez, babe.

I'll just slither out of this little porthole here at the back of the ship. I don't know. We are humans. Weird, man. And you've got to wonder if the guy didn't, like, get it out. How much bigger does this thing get? Holy God. What if the thing's, like, suddenly 20, 30, 40 feet?

Eesh. Suddenly, you know, in the middle of the night, you get something knocking on the inside of your skull. Hey, buddy. Yes? It's Tommy. Tommy the tapeworm? Yeah, that's right.

You know who I am. Quit playing games. What's up, Tommy? Yeah, listen, man, I'm about 40 feet long. I'm hungry. Okay, I'll have breakfast in the morning. No, no, I want. You know that 24-hour McDonald's drive-thru right down the street?

Yes, Tommy. Yeah, start the car, asshole. But Tommy, it's three of the one. morning. Start the car or I eat your left kidney. Okay, Tommy, let's go. I mean, Jesus. So there you go, gang. You know, easy on the sushi. Check yourself for tapeworms. Maybe later tonight get a brick of cheese out of your fridge and just, you know, maybe wave it past your asshole four or five times quickly and see if anybody pops their head out. I just want you to be healthy.

That's all. It's just a, it's like a safety thing right here. All right. That's it. I can't even talk about this anymore. I should have stopped at the bloody diarrhea. Right. Oh, Rumi.

The San Francisco tree. Again, Espranova, Roda, Gonchita. Take up your back here. Okay. Let's switch gears from the wild, the wacky, the weird.

and the funny and something a little serious you know I feel like this was an important phone call that I got it was the phone call was a follow-up to a direct message I got to my Twitter account

and it was from a gentleman a stranger someone I had never met someone I'd never talked to but someone who who felt that they needed to reach out and have someone hear them or listen to them or respond to them and and so I'll play you the phone call

from from the gentleman and then and then I'll talk about it on the other side it's a bit of an intimate you know conversation we had but I feel like it's worth sharing because I think it's important and I think it's it's a situation that confronts a lot of people and so I want to I want to share this with everyone listening to and we'll talk about it more in detail on the other side of this gentleman's phone message. Play it, Raj. How do you do, Harlan? Alfred Stetson here.

I wanted to reach out audibly to again say thank you for taking time or respond to my direct message on Twitter. Willingness can make you reach out in ways one normally wouldn't, and to be honest, it was a bit embarrassing after hitting send. But your response was heartfelt and true to your form and made engaging in your response. the coolest experiences I've had. I know you're super busy and you're pulled in a lot of directions, but you made time to respond and give me some real-life perspective on how thankful I should be. I don't have the greatest support system, and, you know, loss of a parent can take a big toll on your outlook in life.

I struggle daily still with depression and anxiety, but I've got gainful employment with the technical support role with the largest PC manufacturer, and world and it's going splendidly keeps my mind occupied I'm sleeping better I've taken home more than reasonable pay starting to get normal things back in my life like groceries gas in the tank you know the normal stuff most importantly I scheduled an appointment with a mental health professional through my employers more than adequate health insurance plan so the world can make you feel really small and insignificant sometimes but you helped me feel needed.

And that might be weird to say, but I really needed it. Thank you. Thank you so much. Cheers, mate, Alfred. Well, Alfred, I could sense. Hey, man, you know, I could sense your, your, need to connect with someone in your in your direct message on Twitter and I can I can hear it in your voice and you know what man you should never be embarrassed about being lonely or feeling isolated

or you know being in a dark place that there's there's no embarrassment in that ever ever ever ever it's part of the human condition bud it it's like if you're happy if you're in love if you're sad, if you're defeated, if you're triumphant, all these are the flavors. Think of your brain, your body, your mind as a Baskin-Robbins with like endless flavors and loneliness and depression are just, are some of the flavors in that beautiful, that beautiful refrigerated container that has all the different ice cream flavors. And you have to kind of balance the ones that don't taste good with the ones that make you euphoric

and taste amazing and the ones that are just kind of in the middle of the road and the ones that lean towards great but aren't and the ones that lean towards bad but are kind of somewhere in the middle so don't be ashamed, don't be embarrassed,

and don't be upset with yourself. Everybody, everybody listening right now has been through loneliness and in a dark place and I just want to stay right out of the gate that I'm not a professional, I'm not a doctor, I'm not a psychologist, I just kind of, you know, I know what it feels like. We all do, and so you sounded like you said, a lonely guy that was looking for a voice, a voice that cared, a voice that was concerned, and a voice that would just respond and

be there and be supportive. And so I won't go into the details. I'm not going to read the tweet, but, you know, Albert's tweet was similar to his phone call that he described where he was feeling a bit destitute and detached and looking in the mirror and going, why should I live and what's the point? And, you know, why go on?

And what's the point of life and, you know, some heavy stuff, man. And I'll be honest, I don't normally reach out to people on my Twitter account or Instagram. I don't know. You know, it's not my place. I'm not a doctor and, you know, I don't, I don't really want to get that intimate with people I don't know. It's just, it's not something I think most people want to do. But sometimes you can tell when a stranger needs a hand or somebody needs a caring voice or you need to put a candle in the window in the darkness. And I can tell that Alfred reached out

and I read his tweet and I was like man this guy you know he's hurting man he's not in a good place and when somebody's kind of questioning the value of going on in life and even getting enjoyment from life you know that person needs some help and so I'll say this you know

I responded to the tweet and I'm responding to this and obviously, Albert, I care about you. Everyone listening cares about you, but, you know, this will be the last time because I, you know, I'm not a professional and I don't want to get into a place where we kind of create this relationship where, you know, you're depending on me for input. But in this moment, I think it's key that, you know, we have this connection. And so when Albert told me that he was feeling this detachment and this desire to maybe not go on or questioning why he should go on in life, I kind of didn't want to just be like a Dr. Phil and give the traditional answer. And I thought, you know, maybe I can be a little creative with Albert.

And so what I did is I wrote back to him and I explained to him that, you know, Albert, life is precious. Life is such a precious thing. And I said to him, I said in my direct message, I said, somewhere right now, Albert, there's someone laying in a hospital bed. Or there's someone in a car twisted around a lamppost. Or there's someone in an alley that's just been stabbed.

Right? and cut to the person in the hospital and it could be you put picture yourself there or a loved one and picture your whole family standing around and you're looking down at that loved one and all you can see in their eyes is man

if I just had one more minute of life if I just had one more hour of life if God if you could just give me one more day one more week one more month of life to get up and move and breathe and eat and live and see and experience

and that's that's when you realize how precious life is when you see other people that would give anything to have even five more minutes with their family or with their friends or just anything to eat some ice cream right and you got to remember that that life is always going to throw stuff at you and things are going to build up and especially in this world where you know we have a lot of material things.

We have a lot of things where we're living through social media. We're comparing ourselves to other people. We're looking at life through the prism of the life that society

has created, which is go to work, get a job, fall in line, get your paycheck, get your health care, go to the doctor, get your physical, pay your car payments, go to the movie, with your friend. You know what I mean? So you can get, you can get

kind of lulled into lockstep with the way things are supposed to be or the way society thinks you're supposed to be. And before you know it, you're just you're like a log

rolling down a log shoot at a sawmill. You're just, you know, you're like the log ride at the amusement park. You just float and then you go around and you come down the splash thing and you go around again and again and that can become your life and then maybe that's where you become you know downtrodden and beaten down and you you don't feel any purpose and so there's a few little things I'm going to say here and

I'm not a professional I'm just going to relay some thoughts and I'm going to I'm going to tell you a little trick that I do sometimes when I'm feeling blue but what you got to do in life is you got to make life yours. You got to find a purpose and passion and meaning for you, and you can't roll around living for everybody else and trying to fit into the system. If you do that, you're just going to be another log on the log ride. And if you're feeling lonely and detached and uninspired

and kind of just mind numb and you're not really feeling like you belong or you're doing anything constructive or worthy, then it's incumbent on you to look at yourself in the mirror and change gears and find something that gives you passion, find something that makes you want to get up in the morning and live. And that's not easy sometimes. But if you just sit there and wait for it to come to you or you wait for someone's approval or you wait for an epiphany,

The answer's already inside you, man. Just lay there in the morning. You go, man, what would I really like to be doing? I don't want to be going to an office. I want to be a white water river rafting guide. That's what I've always wanted to do. Fuck. And you go do it, man.

Or I've wanted to collect rocks. I want to go out in the desert with a pickax and collect rocks and find dinosaur bones. that's what I want to do I want to be a ballerina I want to dance well guess what life happens quick man that's the other thing

you know life happens quicker than you think and for you to want to get out of it early is unacceptable you can't you got to remember you you beat 350,000 of your sperm

brothers and sisters they were all fighting man raging down the river to the egg. They were squirming and squigling and fighting and punching and bashing. And you're the fucking one, man. You're the gold medal winner. You beat them all.

You sprinted over the line. You're the Ubane bolts of your sperms, man. You beat them all, man. That's not an easy feat. You're here for a reason. It's no small miracle that you're here. So don't just, like, throw it off. Like, oh, I was born, you know, I care.

Nothing's going good for me. I guess I'll just get rid of myself. That seems like an easy thing to do. Well, no. I'm not going to let you go there. Nobody is. It ain't fair or it ain't right. You're, like, automatically.

a winner. The fact that you exist, you're a supreme athlete, you're a winner, you won. Okay? But the problem is you flop out into this world and you don't just flop out as a free entity. You do, but you get molded. You get shaped from the minute you're born. You get a social security number and a name and a birth certificate and a bank account and this and that and blah, blah. and suddenly you're not this free-flowing thing that have left your own devices, who knows what you'd become. And so that's the key.

You've got to look beyond all the institutions and all the pre-programmed propaganda and crap that's been laid at your feet. You've got to fight your way, the way you fought to be a sperm to that egg. Now that you're in the living world, you've got to fight your way every day to get to your destination. If you want to be a rock singer, if you want to be a writer, a poet, a dancer, a photographer,

well, you've got to pitch yourself being that kick-ass sperm cell. And you've got to swim for your goals, man. You've got to swim for your target, your objective. And when you do that, when you make life spicy, and when you chase your dreams, well then you're not that lonely anymore and you're not that in that place you're motivated you got you got you got reason you got passion and uh so i'm super glad that you were able to um you know kind of course correct a little albert and to finish up with albert what i did is you know after i kind of said to albert i said you know so many people would would just

love to have the life and when I say the life I mean the time that you have because Albert you've probably got who knows 20 30 40 50 years of your natural life left if you if you live reasonably healthy and there's

a million people across the globe right now laying on their deathbed going oh God if I could just have one more day one more night even one more hour and here's someone who's healthy and alive and vibrant,

ready to just throw it all away, or at least thinking about it. I'm not saying anyone's throwing it away, but, and that happens. And you have to, you have to shoe those demons away, man. And to your point about losing a parent, oh my God, it's brutal. It leaves a hole in your heart that doesn't exist.

I did podcasts probably, I think, three years ago when I lost my mother, and I think I broke down on the air on my podcast because it's so emotional, it's so devastating. But here's what I said then, and I'll say now, when you lose someone you love like a parent, like a family member, you don't let that become your burden on your back.

Because you're not honoring their life. You're not honoring your life. What you do is you continue living harder and stronger and you let that person you live, love live through you. You see? You're their continuation. They gave birth to you. You're their flesh and blood. And so you live stronger and harder and louder and more vibrant. And you let the spirit of the deceased course through your body and be channeled through you. And now you're almost living for two or three or whoever you want to allow into your soul.

And so, Albert, that the parent that you lost, as crushing as a blow as it is, and as painful as it is, don't let that pain knock you down and drag you down and hold you down. Take that pain and embrace it and take it inside and let it burn like a light and say, I'm going to let this person keep on living, their memory, their spirit. their energy is going to keep flowing through me. I'm going to live for them. They're not gone. I'm not going to let them just be gone. I'm going to live with them. They're going to live through me.

And that becomes very empowering, and it makes you want to live more, and it makes you want to carry their spirit, and you don't want to die because you now feel that you're carrying their candle for them now, you know? And that can be a very beautiful, powerful thing. And so what I did with Albert is, you know, I wrote him this direct message and I said,

you know, all these things about how people would love to have the life you're talking about disposing of. And I said to him, I said, and just so you know, I'm coming for you. I said, I'm looking forward to getting your life. And I know at that point, Albert was probably very confused, but as I said, I wanted to be a little creative and kind of catch him off guard. And then I signed my direct message.

I didn't write anything flowery or fluffy. I didn't go, I really hope you're okay, Albert. Loving kisses Harland. I said, I want you to know, Albert. I'm on my way. Oh, I'm coming closer. I'm getting closer to you every day, Albert. I can wait to reach out and touch you because I want you.

Yours truly, death. Yeah. I pretended I was death writing him a direct message. And I thought maybe that'll shake him up. Maybe if death responded to his outcome. cry. And I wasn't trying to be mean or vindictive or a smart ass. I was really trying to be compassionate and and caring.

But at the same time, I wanted to startle Albert a little bit. I wanted to rattle his bones and remind him that death is coming for all of us. Death can't wait to reach out and touch us. And that the day he tapped you on the shoulder, you're going to be the same the people in that hospital bed, you're going to be like, oh my God, just, no, no, what do you mean? I only have an hour left to live. No.

Have you ever been at someone's bedside and you can see death in their eyes? Oh, my God. And someone's been stabbed during a car accident? All they want to do is reach out and grab you and don't let me go. I want to live. Think of all the soldiers in war who wanted to live. Think of all the people who have died who didn't want to die. None of us want to die.

So I tried to be creative and kind of startle Albert a little bit, but at the same time, be very gentle and kind and understanding. And I was glad to get this voicemail from Albert because he got it. And I think it affected him in a more poetic way than just the standard. Hey, buddy, it's okay, you're going to be all right. I hope that maybe I jostled his mind a little bit with my response. And as I said, because I'm not a doctor, it's not because I don't care about Albert, but I don't want to keep all these exchanges going because I think what you're doing,

Albert, you mentioned it in your phone call, is you're seeing a professional. And I think that's good. That's who you really need it. And if I was able to reach out and be a light for you that night or even now, a voice of encouragement and a caring, compassionate voice for a fellow human being, that's beautiful. And, you know, I always say this at the end of the day, the only one that can pull you away from the bad stuff is yourself. And so in order to do that, you've got to want it. You got it. you got to find some passion in your life and find a direction.

And so here's one little thing that I'll do. And again, I'm not a doctor. I'm not a psychologist, but we all have our little things that we do that sometimes help us through the day or night, right? And this one is so simple. I think I might have said it before on the podcast. It's so simple and silly, but it actually works.

okay, because your brain and your body are two different things. Your body is your car and your brain is the engine, is the electronics. And unless you have a Tesla, when you get in your car, you don't just sit down and press the gas and put your hands at your side and let the car drive you where it wants to go, right? You don't let the car steer. You have to steer. You have to control the zigs and the zags and the turns and the straightaways and all that. You don't just start the car and say, okay, car, take me. That would be insanity, right?

That would be instant death. And so the brain and the body is the same way. You are in charge of your car, your brain. And when the brain, when you wake up in the morning and the brain goes, You know what? I'm going to be really depressed today. You just opened your eyes and life is shitty. And I lost a parent.

And I don't like my job. And I'm not feeling great. And I'm a little overweight and blah, blah. And man, that car can take over and start driving you before you know it. And then you're just sitting behind the wheel going, I've lost control. My car's driving me. I want to die. Well, you don't want that.

And so here's a weird, every now and then, if I wake up on, as they say, the wrong side of the bed or in a funk like that, you know what I do? It's a weird little exercise, but I tell you most of the time it works. And I'm going to offer it to you and see if it works. It's a stupid, silly little trick. Here's what it is. Visualize in that big brain of yours. Just visualize a light source.

You ever see a light switch on a wall? So the next time you wake up or you're anywhere you are, you can be walking down the street and all of a sudden your brain goes to the dark place. Because, oh, God, I feel down. I feel shit. I want to end it. I want whatever you're thinking, however dark you go, just before it can even run away with you, picture the light switch.

Okay? A simple freaking light switch. and with the power of your mind just go you know what depression uh uh click and you just click it off and you take back your brain

and you go this is my fucking brain no all that negative shit you're bringing you're just manifesting it it's my body's chemicals it's my brain it's my neurons it's whatever it is and if I just let it go my car is going to steer all over the road and smash into a wall

and I'm going to have a shitty day or week or I'm going to try and end it or and this is a weird little accent but you just literally go when you feel it starting the minute you just go you go to that light switch and you go click and you click it off and you just don't let it

right away you just click it up and you stop all the bad thoughts and if they come back you go right back to the light and you go nope this is my fucking body this is my fucking mind. Nope, I'm in charge. I'm driving the car, not you.

Nice try, loser. Click. And I'm telling you, man, it's the simplest, but sometimes it works. And if you want to borrow that, if you want to try that, Albert, you know,

even when it's heavy, I've had heavy days. I'm like, oh, man. And I just go, no, no, I'm, I just woke up. I'm not going to have a click. And I just don't let it.

And I just switch gears. I just start going on about something else. It's the weirdest thing. And again, I'm no psychologist. I'm no doctor. It might not work for you. But, hey, anything's worth a try if you're feeling like you're in a bad place. If you're blue mildly down, extremely down, you'll be amazed.

It's almost like just if you saw your car care careening towards a wall and all of a sudden you grab the wheel and you turn it back. And you're like, okay, I'm back on the road. It's just like that. Click. Nope. No bad thoughts in this brain. I'm in charge. Click.

So there you go. And I hope Albert doesn't mind. You know, I think, you know, him sharing his phone call was kind of his subliminal way of saying, hey, I want to talk about this a bit more. Let's put it out there. And so I hope this response, Albert, is helpful. And you know what, dude, I hope you're doing great. And I think everyone listening hopes you're doing great.

And just find that positive, passionate outlook in life. And, you know, on a more morbid note, remember that death can't wait to put his arms around you. So live it up, man. Do all the great things you want to do in life. Well, well, you can. It goes by quickly So there you go A little serious towards the end of the show

But I thought it was important Because Albert Is indicative of many of us We are all humans We all have our ups and downs And so I thought You know what I'm gonna put the comedy on the shelf

For a few minutes here tonight And we're gonna talk it We're gonna address this And so there you go I hope you're doing great keep on thinking great things. Use that little light switch. And we're going to end it right there

because, you know, it just doesn't seem like it makes sense to go to comedy after this. But we'll be back. We'll be back for another episode next week. And if you want to see me do stand-up comedy, I will be this weekend in Denver, Colorado, at the Comedy Works, June 7 and 8. Yes.

Come and see me, and we will laugh together. And then two weeks later, June 20th to 22nd, I will be up in Baltimore doing some stand-up comedy. So great stuff ahead. And Albert, thank you for sharing your phone call, man. Be well. And I know you're going to do great, man. And we're sorry about the loss of your parent.

but just again live large and strong and carry their torch baby and that's it all of you do great all of you do well all of you enjoy every damn second of your life because it is beautiful it is precious and you know the bad times you have today you probably won't even remember them next year that'll be your homework think about last year do you remember anything really that bad. Can you really remember it? Maybe, mostly probably not. So enjoy it. Laugh, have fun. And until next time, chicken. Shaumain, baby. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.