The Harland Highway - 997 - FATHERS DAY talk. Harland has a MIRACLE happen. PISSED OFF Harland. CRAZY news story.

Episode Date: June 16, 2019

FATHERS DAY talk. Harland has a MIRACLE happen. PISSED OFF Harland. CRAZY news story. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Please, Daddy, don't punch me in the face again. Shut up! Hey, everybody, it's the Harlan Highway. What was that? It's Father's Day. That's what that was. We're going to be talking about good old, dear old dad, and being a dad and celebrating fathers here on Father's Day.

We're also going to do a crazy new story. We've got a crazy new story that kind of deals with a dad, I guess. when you break it all down. Also, do you believe in miracles? Do you believe in sweet miracles? Well, I'm going to tell you about a miracle that happened to me. Oh, my God. I can barely believe this miracle happened to me.

You are going to be riveted when I explain this miracle. So we got that coming up. Also, a crazy news story about a, about a, uh, dad, which I told you about. And then also, I'm going to do a pissed off segment, man. There's something that's really been pissing me off lately. And I bet you've experienced it to it as something to do with the news, the media. And then also we're going to take a phone call from a pavement pounder,

and it kind of turns into a whole life-death philosophy of life situation. Kind of gets a little deep. So we've got a lot going on here today. Put your helmet on and put your buck teeth in. This is the Harland Highway. You know my name? It's on the marriage certificate. I've never seen you before in all my life.

Hold on to your airbag. You're heartless, heartless monsters. All of you through and through. You're riding down the Harland Highway. Oh, yeah! When you see a fallen star, that means a witch is. just died. You clumsy idiot? The Harland Highway. Oh, I want

is to hear people say something again and to see people moving again. I'm Floyd Bernie, the rockabilly boy. Don't you understand? You're listening to Harlan Williams. I can't be your daughter. I'm a machine.

Man, you've been dead a thousand years. My George, I think he's got it. You're riding down the Harland Highway with Harlan Williams. What's up? Mr. if you're going to lose, you're going to lose right now. Don't leave me here! Oh yeah, here we go.

Come on. Yeah, baby. Woo! Oh, no, no, no, no. Oh, no, no, no. I believe in miracles. Where you're from? You sexy thing

I believe in miracles Yeah Sit you game alone You sexy barbecue You sexy barbecue Yeah How could a barbecue be sexy? Okay, do you believe in miracles?

Do you? Do you? Do you? Do you? Do you? I think I almost do after what happened Just yesterday. Okay? So summer is upon us And it's barbecue season And oh yes by the way

Barbecue Eddie should be along any day now Because you know Barbecue Eddie shows up During barbecue season But here's the barbecue miracle This is just a miracle in general Almost a perfect miracle Okay Yours truly was at Home Depot

Doing some shopping And yours truly wandered down the barbecue aisle and yours truly realized he needed a new barbecue so yours truly looked at all the barbecues and saw the barbecues and he saw one that just seemed to be just the right size and the right look and the right color and the right feel and yours truly went oh that's a reasonable price and it looks good and okay and yours truly picked up the big heavy box and almost threw his back out and had to have, uh, you know, spinal surgery so he could enjoy some ribs. Let's see, what do I value more? My back or my ribs? Looks like my ribs.

So I shoved the big fat box of barbecue into the, uh, into the old, uh, you know, into the back of the truck. And, uh, I guess. I get going, I get on my merry way, and I get home, and I get the big box up onto the patio. But this time I played it smart. I cut the box open and I transported the big giant metal pieces, you know, a few pieces at a time. So I could enjoy my ribs without throwing out my back. I could throw on my ribs without throwing out my back, if you know what I'm saying. So I get all the pieces up, and here's the instruction pamphlet that's in, I don't know how many languages.

I mean, this thing's in more languages than the Bible, okay? I'm reading German, I'm reading Japanese, I'm reading Arabic. I mean, forget Rosetta Stone. You want to learn another language, just pick up a barbecue assembly pamphlet. Good Lord. I thought it was at the International House of Pancakes, reading the menu. I mean, German and Swahili. Freaking Tibetan.

I think there was some Farsi in there. Good Lord. So I find the English, because I'm English. In case you haven't noticed, I'm blot in English, all right? And here's this pamphlet that, first of all, the quality of the paper. I mean, I'm not one, you know, for a stock in paper. You know how there's paper that comes in certain stocks, right? And there's actually qualities of paper.

There's grades of paper. Well, this paper, I think the paper that they make these little manual on, these assembly manuals, is probably a grade below hornet nest. Okay, you ever find a hornet nest up under a rafter, and it's got that weird, pulpy, papery stuff that they make the net. I think the hornets regurgitate flowers or something and make this big, like, gray, pulpy, papery. The paper texture of these manuals is somewhere below that.

Like somewhere between Hornets Nest and public campground toilet paper, okay? But nonetheless, here I am on my balcony with my, you know, low-grade paper manual, all these metal pieces. It looks like you ever see those movies of the Transformers movies and one of the giant robots gets blown up and there's just chunks of metal and pieces of, metal, strewing all over the desert or all in the middle of the street. That's what my barbecue, it's just like chunks of metal all over my balcony, like big black chunks of metal and grills and wheels and it literally looks like someone like ran over C-3PO with a bulldozer, okay? So here I am, and I'm looking at this pamphlet on this crappy toilet paper.

And you know how it is. They give you all these parts, and then they give them numbers and letters, the Y screws, the 12B7 screws, the 912, 48 screws, and the pin and the spring and the coil and the nuts and the, and so I'm looking at this thing,

and they've got like 48 pages of diagrams. okay and I don't know who they got drawn these diagrams I don't know if there's a sweatshop in Alaska or in Cambodia I don't know if they've got people with a philidamide arms drawing these things I don't know if Helen Keller's drawing these things these are not the these are not well-drawn diagrams okay a barbecue should not look like a reindeer I shouldn't be looking at pictures of a of a metal object and going, boy, isn't that a pretty moose? You know?

I mean, these things are, they're not drawn well. They look like a, like a third world country coloring book, okay? Like, I don't know if there was a bunch of like Taiwanese boys in a sweatshop being whipped with a tree. branch. You draw the manual, funny boy. Come on, you draw the barbecue. Come on. You draw the barbecue in a book there

on a toilet paper. Come on, funny boy. You draw the barbecue. You draw the barbecue on a hornet nest. I don't care if you get stung by the hornet. You got a job to do, funny boy. so needless to say you're you're working with primitive tools to begin with okay and they get all

the screws sealed in these little packages with identifying letters and numbers and the instructions are i don't know who writes them i don't know if it's emperor uh kim jong un himself or they got a they got a special school for slow children over in the deepest, darkest regions of China? I mean, the grammar, the grammar and the spelling, oh, you put screw in whole five because you want, join, spring, you're going to connect grill to wheel go inside, upside down, the tarantula you're like wait what what that what are they saying here so anyways you know you're up against it okay you get all these parts that have been shipped in from who knows where they're probably not even metal they're probably made of asbestos

or some kind of material that's going to give you blood cancer within you know four years Hey, how's the new barbecue? Oh, it was delicious until I got leukemia. Oh, oh, oh. Are these asbestos burgers? You better believe it. It's my new barbecue. So here I go.

I got all the pieces out. It looks like I got a C3Pio stepped on a landmine somewhere. And I got them back together. So I got these wonky directions. I got all these pieces. I don't think there's no way. This is like if IKEA had a bastard juvenile delinquent little brother. Okay?

I mean, it's one thing to put together an IKEA piece of furniture. At least they create, you know, they have a nice presentation. They give you the Allen Ranch, and you got the nice little glossy book. and the materials seem to be not from the third world or from outer space but these

these Chinese or wherever they come from these materials man you know this is this is like this is like glue it together a car rack so look at all these pieces they're all struing out so here we go I start

reading and I'm thinking the the odds of getting this thing together are one in a trillion You never get it right, right? You always end up putting something on backwards or upside down or in the wrong hole or never fails. You get halfway through and you go, oh, crap. I put the legs off backwards. Who the hell drew this thing? Right?

Or you got something upside down or there's a screw that won't fit or there's a hole that somehow they misaligned the screw. hole or you know sometimes it's their fault sometimes it's like faulty pre-assembly unassembly or whatever it is you know their machine was off that day and the screw holes like two and a half inches away from where it's supposed to be like wait what someone get me a blacksmith i need to i need to i need i need to i need to bend this metal anybody got a forge and an anvil and a hammer i can this metal with what the hell so here we go i'm thinking there's no way i'm already like signed off that it's going to be a disaster that i'm going to mess it up that i'm going to screw it up something's going to go in the wrong hole something's going to be backwards i'm going to have to

disassemble it do it all over again and here's what roj play that song again man here's where the miracle happened please play play play the miracle There, yes, thank you. So against all odds, guess who put the Chinese, North Korean, Cambodian, Indonesian, Mexican, planet Mars barbecue together properly? Wow. Can you believe it? I did. And I almost say a perfect miracle because I,

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So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping. Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Okay? Like not one mistake. I was like, boom, boom, boom.

There's like, you know, there's 90 million parts. And as I'm going along, I'm thinking, am I going to do this? And then I get right to the end and the handle. All I'm going to put in is the handle on the grill cover. And I screw it in. And I think, you know, how hard it's like a horseshoe shape, right? You stick it onto the holes. You put the screws in through the back of the lid.

And boom. So I screw in the handle, which is easy. It only took like two seconds, two screws. And then I look at the diagram and I notice that there's two little like washer kind of holder little things that I'm like, wait a minute, I don't remember putting those in. And what they are, there are these round like kind of washers, but it's like a resting post for the, for the handle, where the handle meets the grill cover. there are these two little like anchors and you stick the handle in these little round washers and then bolt it from the back

and I was like oh okay so they're very very unusual kind of an odd piece that didn't make sense but it was one of the last things I had to do and I was like oh so I unscrewed the two bolts took me two seconds put the little washers in sunk the handle into the two washers, and boom. I freaking put together this nuclear Rubik's Cube barbecue without a hitch except for that one thing.

So it was almost a perfect miracle. It was almost like the second birth of Christ. But in this case, it was an imported third world barbecue. So there you go. Just sharing with you, miracles can happen. Do you believe in miracles? Miracles can happen. Things in life that you think are improbable or impossible can come to fruition.

Can happen. And I almost did it 100%. So there you go. Happy barbecue season. From me to you. Miracle, since you came in love, you sexed thing. Oh, oh, touch me. Kiss me, darling.

Kiss me, baby. I love the way for me, baby. Barbecue be some ribs, baby. It's ecstasy. Woo. Slip that cheeseburger, maybe. Yes. Come on.

Slip those pot. Flip those pork jobs. Ow! Who! I love the way you kiss my time. Slather those ribs and barbecue sauce. Yes! Put some cheese on that burger.

Woo! I love the way you grill, baby. Ow! Yes, the miracle. Hey, so as you know, last week I was not able to podcast. And I know some of you are like, What the hell is this guy doing? I'm going to be 100% transparent.

I'll be 100% honest, as I always am with you, folks. So I told you I'm working on this new project. And this new project is kind of taking over a lot of my time. And I can't tell you what the new project is yet. But man, oh man, am I having fun? I'm literally I don't know if you guys will find it funny when I release it

but I'm literally laughing out loud as I'm sitting on planes I'm walking through airports I'm I'm just at home the things that are happening with this project are I don't know I don't know I'm having such a good time with it and I'm putting most of all my energy in it

and so it's a lot of heavy lifting you'll see once I get it out there all the work that it is but it's cutting into my podcasting time and so I know we're down to like the last four or five podcasts but literally it's been so intense that I it's been it's been just all consuming and I do apologize guys you know I thought the final four or five podcasts would just be smooth

and we'd sail off into the sunset but but this new project is part of why I'm ending the podcast, too, because, you know, when I started the Harlan Highway, it was fresh, it was new, it was vibrant, it was uncharted territory, the whole world, a podcast. And now this new project that I'm doing, I believe, in my mind, is like charting new territory. And I think it's something that people haven't seen before. I think it's going to be fresh and new. And a couple of the finished episodes I've shown to a very select group. of people some interesting demographic um i've shown it to a couple of comedians uh i've shown it to a couple

other people that were just uh you know like like people with regular jobs teachers and so i've shown it to about six people and man have they laughed out loud like more than i thought they would laugh and laughed all the way through from start to finish of on the this project. So, you know, I expected a few spot laughs here. Like, oh, that part's funny. That, you know, but they were like buckled over laughing. And I'm just sitting there watching. And I'm like, wow. So I hope if everyone has the reaction, the select people that have seen the beginnings of this new secret project are laughing, then maybe I'm on to something here. But whether, whether everyone likes it or not, I got to tell you, I'm loving it.

I'm having so much fun with it. I know I'm teasing you. I'm like, well, what the hell is it, Harland? Well, I just can't tell you yet, but believe me, once I launch it, you'll be happy. You'll get to see it all. You'll get to see it in its entirety. And just so you know, what's interesting is I'm finding, I'm incorporating little pieces of the Harland Highway into this new thing. And only, only you fans, only you pavement pounders when you,

when you see this new thing, and by the way, it's visual. It's not, it's not, it's not, it's not just an audio experience. It's an actual, these will be, these will be clips that I shot. You'll pick up on some of the Harland Highwayisms in the new project. So, so there's my excuse. It's not really an excuse. It's fact. And I do apologize for, for not being on time last week.

And I'm hoping through the next five or six that we have to go right to the end. I'm going to be on schedule. But if for any reason I'm not, this is the reason why. And so there you go. And as far as information on when the new project launches and where it launches, I don't have any of that. Now, right now I'm creating it. I'm building it.

And then I'm worrying about the platform after I'm done. So it might not in all, honesty be launched until the new year, so we'll see. But just know that something good and funny is happening. And if you're a fan of the Harlan Highway, I think you're going to like my new project. Okay. So thank you for your patience. And let's just, let's just keep on rolling, man. Hello? Hello. Harlan. Bro. All right. I just came across the forces of nature special. it's amazing so far but I just want to know where the hell can I get that shirt hopefully I'll find the answer on your podcast please check and tell me

uh yes my stand-up comedy special that I did a number of years ago called a force of nature and this is a stand-up comedy special I'm not sure what platform you saw it on my friend but first of all thank you for the compliment um It's a stand-up special I shot outside during the day in the middle of the desert on a giant hill with no audience. I wanted to do something different and wild and crazy, and so that's what I did. And I'm glad you enjoy it. It was probably, I think, five years ago I did that special. So I'm not sure where you're seeing it, whether you bought it or you downloaded it or you saw it on Netflix or wherever.

but um but in the special because it was such a special special that i was doing such a you know such kind of a weird environment and and the theme of the special was kind about you know from cradle to grave it was kind about you know being born and going through life and dying and and so because i was i was doing this special in such a special spot i wanted my wardrobe to be special so i wore jeans of running shoes and then my shirt was a white t-shirt and i basically bought a whole bunch of colored sharpies and i literally drew over every inch of that white t-shirt uh and and each each part of the t-shirt tells a story the the uh the shirt kind of um has pictures of fetuses and and the skull of death and and the moon and the stars and the earth

and the planets and the keyhole to eternity and the huddled masses and death and destruction and life and everything in between. So it's a very, very intricate shirt that I hand drew. It's very colorful and it's all over the front and on the back. And like you said, every inch of this shirt has my drawing on it. So it was a one-of-a-kind shirt and I still have it. It sits up in my closet at home.

and it's a very special shirt because of the significance of the special, and it's a very special shirt because of the symbolic story that the shirt tells. So unfortunately, the shirt is not for sale, and what's going to happen is maybe one day when I die, my sisters or my family or the garbage man or whoever will come to my house and go through my stuff and find this shirt, and I don't even know if they're going to know what it is or the significance of it or if that I drew it

or they're just going to go, what's this old thing and throw it in the garbage? I hope not. But that's the weird thing about life, isn't it? We have all these cherished things. Our houses, our closets, our treasure chests, are filled with all these things that have so much meaning and significance to us,

our photographs, our writings, our journals, all this stuff. And I'm not trying to be morbid or a Debbie Downer. But what's sad about the journey in life is that when we pass all this stuff that we hold so dear to someone else is probably a lot of junk. Like, think about it. You know, pretend you're not you for a second. And pretend you're your sister or your brother or your very own boyfriend or girlfriend or wife or husband.

Well, maybe not wife or husband, but maybe it's someone that doesn't live with you. But imagine you're living and you have a heart attack tomorrow and you're dead. And four days from now, your brothers and sisters have to go through your belongings and figure out what to do with them. and that seashell from Hawaii that you found when you fell in love with your wife. Oh, what's this? An old seashell. Well, nobody needs that. That shirt you bought at the Rolling Stones concert when you were 19 that you have tucked in the back of your drawer.

Who the hell likes the stones anymore? What's this old piece of garbage? Those pictures of you and your best friends from high school. on that class reunion trip 40 years later? Who are these fat guys with the gray hair? God, throw these out? The poems you wrote when you were depressed and you were trying to figure out life

and you wrote these poems that were gut-wrenching and heartfelt and ripped from your very soul to help you cope with carrying on? Oh, the hell, one of these, fortune cookies? Who the hell wrote this crap? A bunch of scribblings on an old notebook. Throw this out. I mean, it's kind of sad, isn't it?

It's so sad you gotta laugh about it. But that's the journey of life, man. It's like you have all these keepsakes, you have all these beautiful things, all these treasured memories. And to someone else, it's just like work. God, do I have to clean this guys? I know he died and I love him,

but I was supposed to take my kids to a movie this afternoon, and here I am cleaning out his closet? What is this shirt with all these drawings on? What is this Sharpie on here? Who the hell draws on a t-shirt? Throw this out, burn it. All your work, all the things you do? It is a bit of a downer,

but that doesn't stop you from doing it. we're human we're just driven to do it and i think that's one of the advantages i have of what i do with my life is and we all put stuff out there but but um with with the stuff i do that's very visual or audio themed one of the things i like about being an artist is that that you can put your stuff out there stuff that's meaningful to you and has some and is a memory of you, and it can linger. And that's one of the things that I find fascinating about the line of work I'm in as an actor, as an entertainer. And I think about this when I watch old movies.

Like, I'll watch an old movie, and yes, I'll go, oh, my God, there's Marlon Brando. If it wasn't for him being an actor, I'd never know who he was. But it's not just the big star. watching a movie and I'll be I'll be like I see a guy that comes in and has two lines and I'll think about him or her I'll go oh my God that who is that guy look at his face if it wasn't for him being in this movie I wouldn't even know he existed I don't know who he is I don't know his name but but there's a human being that for whatever reason I now know existed his essence his image his voice his his his memory is therefore i guess eternity or as long as we we have the ability to watch

movies and i guess that's one of the one of the perks of being a public figure or having a job that that resonates with with the masses or or is is like uh you know entertainment themed is is your it gives your your life a little bit of an extra shelf life Whether that's a good thing or a bad thing, I don't know. But outside of that, man, our stuff's just, you know, unless you become super famous like Jim Morrison or Michael Jackson, it's like, oh my God, this is the Kleenex that Michael Jackson had the flu in. Look at, is that Michael Jackson's mucus?

Ah! You know, them people want every damn... Is that Michael Jackson's skin mark in that toilet? I want to buy that toilet. Nobody touched that toilet. I want that skid mark. You know, it's like, it's like ridiculous. So, you know, look at all the people that go nuts for, for autographs, you know.

Just some guy, Babe Ruth signs a baseball is, you know, he took a pen and wrote on a baseball. Yeah, I'll take that for a million dollars, please. so there's a real kind of market for it on top of everything else but sorry i didn't mean to go off on this big uh you know meaning of life thing it's not the meaning of life it's just some observations about our lives but anyways back to the uh the question the shirt uh thank you for your appreciation of the shirt and uh and uh that's all i can say about it I want to keep it. I don't want to sell it because it has too much importance to me.

Maybe when I die, if somehow you get access to my house, start dating my sisters or something. Maybe you can, you know, they'll let you in when I pass away. Could all be a ruse. You date my sister just to get up my t-shirt. Hey, that's a weird t-shirt. It's kind of ugly. You girls are going to do anything with it?

Oh, my God. Look at it. It's all, is that? the sharpie it's a what is that stupid thing uh i don't know honey um i'll take it off your hands i mean you know maybe i'll use it in my garage as a rag or something babe yeah okay that's out take it i don't know what to do with that okay thanks it's mine is that what you're saying it's mine yeah you can have it okay great and uh i'm breaking up with you now thanks i got what i wanted You son of a bit!

So there you go. There you go. The Magic T-shirt and try and find a force of nature my stand-up comedy special somewhere so that I can live on through eternity. Oh, God. Don't piss me off.

This is Harland Williams. You're really pissing me off. Oh, you're starting to piss me off, you little pigless son, bitch. You pissed me off. Shut up. You're pissing me off. These fucking assholes, this fuck.

These fucking assholes! The fuck is their problem, man. Oh yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Here we go. Here we go. Here's what's pissing me off. Okay?

This is... This really... bothers me okay so um in this world of DVRs you know where you can record your shows uh sometimes you forget or sometimes you don't have the ability to do it like if i want to watch the live news if i press pause before i shut it off it will record uh everything i missed but if i forget to press pause and I just turn on the TV and watch the news, it'll start in real time. And so every now and then I get nailed and I forget to press pause. And so when I go to watch the news, it's in real time.

So I have to sit through the commercials, okay, which are already a nightmare. Commercials, especially on news channels. If you watch CNN or Fox or ESPN, I mean, most of the commercials are about dying. and methamelomilomila poisoning and leukemia and diarrhea pills and cancer and diabetes and sleep apnea and sending in your stool samples. I mean, it is fucking depressing, man. It is really, they should just put a ban on these fucking commercials. You think the news is depressing? You think you're hearing about people being gassed in Syria and murdered in North Korea.

and drowned in a boat accident is depressing. Try watching these fucking American-made pharmaceutical commercials. Side effects may cause depression, suicide, beating up your mother, slitting your wrist, bloody stool, shit coming out of your ears, your fucking face blowing up. I mean, it's like, what the shit? Can you get back to the horrible news about all the people that died in the earthquake, please? So it is, that's not even the part I'm pissed about.

Here's where I'm pissed is when you don't have it recorded, you've got to watch the news in real time, okay? And you're thinking, okay, it's dinner time or it's lunchtime, and I'm going to prepare a little meal, and I'm going to sit down, and I'm going to watch the news. It'll be the perfect time to catch up on the stories of the day. Will I sit and eat my grilled cheese sandwich and my bowl of soup? or my pheasant under glass or my bowl of sludge,

whatever I'm in the mood for that day, right? And you cook and cook and cook, and the news is playing in the background, and you just pull the grilled cheese off the frying pan, you just ladle the soup into your bowl, you just sit down in front of the TV with your hot, freshly cooked meal, and you hear, and we'll be right back after the break. You're like, wait, what, what?

You heard me, loser. We'll be right back after the break. And now will you eat your delicious lunch? You're going to watch diarrhea commercials, stool sample commercials, diabetes blood testing commercials, cancer treatment commercials, breast cancer commercials, fucking dog shit. I mean, unbelievable. And as you know, they play these commercials in a big clump now.

So think about it. How long does it take the average person to eat their lunch? How long does it take to gulp down a sandwich and eat a bowl of soup? What would you say? Five minutes, maybe? And even if you're not being a glutton, you know, people can eat fairly fast, you know? Unless you're really like slow rolling it. If you're just concentrating on eating at a normal pace,

I mean, a sandwich probably takes three, four minutes to eat. Maybe five. A bowl of soup doesn't take. long. And so what happens is you go to sit down to enjoy the news while you eat your sandwich. It's kind of like a symbiotic relationship. And instead, rate as you sit down to eat, you get, you hit the commercial break, which is probably four to five minutes long. And it's one nightmarish, disturbing, horrible reminder that we're all going to die a sickly death. fucking pharmaceutical, medical, commercial telling us to do this and check our blood and get a stool sample.

And, oh, my God. And so I just get pissed. I'm like, are you kidding me, man? This is not what I want to be watching. I wanted to catch up on the stories of the day while I chewed on my delicious grilled cheese and dipped it in ketchup. I wanted to hear what Trump's been up to. I wanted to hear what Nancy Pelosi's been up to. I want to hear what's going on in North Korea.

I want to hear what Iran's up to. I want to hear what the Russian probes doing. I want to, you know, I don't want to hear about someone pricking their finger to get their diabetes blood count. I don't want to be eating a grilled cheese while I look at fucking Cindy Lauper's psoriasis scabs on her fucking pale white face. Your true colors are coming through I've got psoriasis and that's why I love you My true colors are fucking red and pink And I look like a fucking skinned grattlesnake

Fuck Good God man I'm just pissed Can I watch the fucking news while I'm eating my lunch and while I'm on the news I'm going to dip into one other thing while I'm ranting here about the news

I do not want to see these newscasters and that's all they are they sit at a desk and they read the news off a teleprompter and they give a little commentary you are not celebrities you are not movie stars

you're not TV stars you're fucking you're these idiots that sit there and recite words on a teleprompter. Stop acting like you're these celebrities. Stop having this air of celebrity around you. You're not. You don't have any discernible talent that anyone who can speak or read English could do your job, okay? But above and beyond that, the news thinks it's entertaining or funny or something to take these newscasters and put them in situations that the layperson

are in. And what I mean by that, it's like all of a sudden, here's a couple of newscasters with goggles drilling into wood. And we're going to put Jim and Paul and Sandra outside today, and they're going to learn how to use a power drill. Because they're so high and mighty, they don't know how to do things the rest of us do and boy oh boy if they can do it anyone can do it how privileged will we be to watch these talking head buffoons actually drill

can you believe they know how to drill and now Sandra's in our kitchen area and she's going to help make a blackened catfish ooh look can you believe this high and mighty holier than now and another level news reader knows how to cook? Can you believe Jim from weather knows how to flip a pancake? How is it possible?

These people are immortal. These people are godlike. How is it that they can do the everyday common things that us mortals can do? Oh my God, is that, is that Paul? Is that Paul the morning news guy doing a few push-ups and doing some crunches? Oh, my, how does he do it? He's a news guy. He can't be like the rest of us.

How is it that he does the things we do? Oh, fuck off. What is with the? Who cares with it? Why do I need to see these idiotic news people doing these things? It's nothing, but they're not walking on a tight rope over Niagara Falls. They're not bungee jumping over an alligator. or pit they're not walking on coals they're like making a fucking omelet okay they're ironing a shirt

what the hell who gives a crap what like they don't know how to do this stuff in their own in their own time it's such a it's such a miracle it's such a feat that that they know how to do the stuff the rest of us do i want to watch the news i don't want to see end chamber Unfold a shirt and roll up a sleeping bag this morning live on Channel 7 News. Watch Peggy Smith today as she interviews a dog. Fuck off. So there you go. I'm a little pissed at the news for a myriad of reasons.

And there you go, Harlan's pissed off news segment. Boom, drop the hammer. Conjunction, what's your function? Hooking up words and phrases and clauses. Conjunction, junction, how's that function? I got three favorite cards that get most of my job done. Conjunction, junction, what's their function? I got an and button or.

They'll get you pretty far. And, that's an additive like this and that. But that's sort of the opposite. Sort of the opposite, not this, but that. And then there's ore, OR. O-R. When you have a choice like this or that. And flatten ore, get you pretty far!

Conjunction, junction, what's your function? Hooking up two box cards and making them run right. Milk and honey, bread and butter, peas and rice. Hey, that's nice. Dirty but happy, digging and scratching, losing your shoe and a button or two. He's poor, but honest, sad but true. Conjunction, junction, what's your function? All right, all right, enough of that.

Enough of, enough conjunctioning. That song is so catchy. Remember when you were a kid? Some of you might not remember, but, you know, I'm aging myself here. But anyways, it's Father's Day. It's Father's Day, Sunday. Happy Father's Day to all you fathers out there, okay? It can't be easy being a dad.

I am not a dad as of yet. You never know. I still got time, man. Come on. I can still breed. I can still make sexual love and produce a child. I could still be a lovemaker. My loving can produce a child.

Creepy. But happy Father's Day to my dad, who's still with us. My dad is up in his 80s. Can you believe it? And he's still good, man. My dad's still like motors around. He still, he still functions well. He lives on his own.

He still has mobility. He's still sharp. A little, little backstory about my dad. My dad was a lawyer. And then he became a politician. And then he kind of rose up through the ranks as a politician. He became a minister. became a minister, and I don't mean a religious minister.

In Canada, where I grew up, a minister's kind of like a senator. And so my dad was like, I guess his position was similar to the attorney general in the United States. My dad became the solicitor general, is what they call it, in Canada. so he's like the chief lawmaker of the land or in this case the province we lived in the province of Ontario that's where Toronto is the biggest city in the country and so my dad was the Solicitor General of Ontario very proud of the old man and a good man my dad was one of the good ones man very proud of my dad and he He did a lot of good, helped a lot of people in life.

And he's still motoring along. So, Dad, if you're listening, I don't think my dad listens to the Harland Highway. I don't, to be honest, I don't think my dad knows what a podcast is. I could be wrong. If you're listening, Dad, I apologize. But I think if my dad had listened to the Harland Highway from Day When, he probably would have disowned me from now. He'd be like, uh-uh, no way. That mental case isn't my boy.

uh-uh, I want a DNA test. I want to do every forever 21 and, uh, you know, family heritage.com and whatever the hell else there is, Ancestry.com, check the shroud of Turin for blood samples. I mean, no way this nutbags my kid. And it's funny because my dad is so ultra-conser. My dad is very straight-laced. He's very stoic. Doesn't show a lot of emotion. It's not very open with his feelings or his emotions. He's a great, great guy, very honorable and very God-fearing and a great, great-great-dad. But doesn't open up. He's very kind of walled off, doesn't express a lot. Keeps it close to the chest.

But despite that, a good, good man. And so happy Father's Day, Johnny, John Williams. Everyone always thinks my dad's the guy who wrote all the music for Star Wars and Jaws and Close Encounter. Oh, my God. John Williams, that's your father? Oh, my God. How many Oscars has he won for soundtracks? None.

Okay. He lives in a gated retirement community in Canada. So happy Father's Day to all you other dads who aren't my dad. Remember to be good to your kids. Just food for thought. If you have a son or a daughter, dads, get to know what they like. One of the mistakes my dad made is he kind of made our relationship about doing things he liked more than things I liked. And the things I liked that he did try, they just never really, you can tell it was a bit forced.

But I would encourage you dads who have a son or a daughter, find out what their interests are. If they like to play video games, or they like to go to the movies, or they like to go to McDonald's, ask them. Ask them what they like, what they really like. And instead of being in charge, go with them to their thing. I would have loved it. When I was a kid, I used to play pinball and go to movies and go to fast food. And my dad never tuned into all of that. And I always wished in life that my dad had just, you know, one day called up the school and said,

I'm going to take my son out of school, family emergency. And just, you know, I met him outside. I'm like, Dad, what's going on? He goes, shut up, kid. I'm taking you downtown. We're going to play pinball. We're going to go see a movie and we're going to McDonald's. Oh, my, are you kidding?

I would have, like, started crying. I would have, I would have worshipped my father even more. not only because he took me to the things I loved, but because he took the time to understand the things I love. He took the time to connect with me. He took the time to make it about me and him and the things that I like and involving sticking himself into my world. So that's a little tip for you fathers

who think you might be tuned into your kids, who think you're hip, who think you're putting in the face time with your kids. I would say if you're not, if you haven't done it, find out what your kids like and surprise them. Go do it with them. Be with them in it. Just you and them. Spend a day or an afternoon together and maybe it's something you do once a month or once a week or a few times a year.

Like, believe me, make that connection with your kids. Let them know that you appreciate their interests and their world and immerse yourself at their level. and go on a ride with them. Let them kind of be in their world and you with them instead of you trying to kind of control and be a parent. I think your kid will really love it and appreciate it. So for a guy who's not a father, that's my father's day tip, and I'm basing it in my feelings from when I was a kid.

So there you go. All right, a few serious topics here. Oh, my God. We got off on the whole life and death thing. We got off on fatherly advice. You know what? Why do we end it, Raj, with something a little silly and stupid? Let's do a crazy news story, and we'll end out today's podcast.

Hit it, Raj. Hit the theme song. The Harland Highway. Crazy news stories. That's weird. Wow. That's strange stuff. All right.

Here it is. I think this one's a good one, Rodge. This crazy news story kind of plays in a bit to what we're talking about, about life and death and, you know. So let's read the headline here. See what we got, which kind of ties in a little bit here. This is an interesting headline. Where is it?

Oh, here it is. Indiana Man, 88 years old, reportedly dies of a heart attack while scattering his wife's ashes. Oh, my God. That's, first it's sad, and then it's a little bit comical, too. Yikes. I mean, wow, that ain't that aren't right. Here's the story.

An 88-year-old man reportedly died of a heart attack as he was scattering his wife's ashes across a lake in Indiana. Ralph Mioda fell into Pine Lake at around 11 a.m. and reported his cause of death was ruled a heart attack. Good Lord, that's got to suck. And imagine if he had a contentious relationship with his wife. What if it wasn't going well and he was kind of glad? He was like over it like 30 years ago and he's like he's out there scattering the

the ashes over the leg oh thank god zelda i've been waiting 30 years to get rid of you finally i'm free finally i'm rid of you you crotchety old bag once i dumped your dirty ashes into a pine lake fuck you and oh oh oh splash i thought i I'd see you down here under water. Welcome back to hell, Henry. A retired doctor who had been friends with Miata for 30 years, told the news outlet he helped Miata get off a boat and onto the dock before turning away. He heard a splash of water as the 88-year-old fell off the dock. It was not a drowning, James Spree.

Reacher said. He was dead when he hit the water. Yikes. I wonder if he was dead before he hit the water. Because, you know, you think if he hit the water, maybe the shock of the cold water would restart his heart. It's like, oh, fuck, I'm dying. Falls, he's already dead mid-air. His body hits the freezing water and his heart goes, whoa, and it pops him back to life. Okay, what the hell am I talking about? But, you know, there's something about this that is a little spooky, right? You wonder if there's some kind of an occult connection. You wonder if the wife, the wife willed it. Maybe it's the opposite.

Maybe their love was so strong. Maybe they had one of those Romeo and Juliet loves where it was like, drop me into Pine Lake, Henry. And I shall take you with me into holy eternity. Oh, Henry, Henry, it is I, Zelda, your second half, your better half, your significant other. Please, Henry, pour me, pour me like vacuum cleaner silt into Pine Lake, and I shall suck you with me like a vacuum cleaner. God.

Says the man's wife reportedly died and he wanted to leave his wife's remains at Pine Lake. He had completed his mission which was putting his wife's ashes into the lake, Speacher said. Good Lord.

Yeah, you put her into the lake all right. You went right in there with her, bro. And it says, according to his obituary, the man was also cremated. Okay, I don't want to be the guy putting Henry's ashes into Pine Lake. You see a bit of a trend happening here? It's like, okay, Zelda, Zelda dies, pour the ashes.

Henry dies, poor Henry's ashes. I wonder if the whole family can get sucked into Pine Lake. Every time someone dies, someone drowns. It is a little creepy. I mean, what are the odds? What are the odds of you're digging someone's grave or your bearing something to do with death and then you die in that moment while you're dealing with death? And now someone's got to go through all his crap and find his love letters and his conch shell.

and his t-shirts and his pictures and his poetry and his drawings and his mistress. Wait, what? See how I brought it full circle? Brought it right back around. Right back around, Zelda. So there you go, folks. Let's wrap it up right there.

Stay happy, be alive. Happy Father's Day. And, again, apologies for being a little late, but hopefully it's worth it in the long run when you see the new thing that I'm doing. And if you want to have some laughs, while you're still alive, where you're still with the living

before you go to the big pine lake in the sky, come see me this weekend. I'll be in Baltimore. You ever been to Baltimore? Come to Baltimore. I'm a place called Magugabe's Jokehouse. Now, that's a good name. Magoogeby's Jokehouse.

You know there's some funny going on there. I'll be there this weekend Thursday, June 20th through the 22nd, Thursday, Friday, Saturday. Never been to this club. Magugabe's joke house. Yeah, come on out to Baltimore and let's have some laughs, you guys. It'll be great. McGugabe's joke house, June 20th through 22nd. And then get this.

I'm off to Saudi. Arabia. I've been asked to do a comedy festival in Saudi Arabia, folks. So I've never been there, never been to that part of the world. So I will let you know how that goes. And then later in July, my only gig in July will be in Orlando, Florida. July 26 and 27th, I'll be at the improv in Orlando, Florida. It's only two nights, Friday, Saturday, July 26, 27th. And hopefully we'll see you there. And then later in August, I'm hoping to get back to the Burning Man Festival. Oh, boy, we'll see what happens.

But meanwhile, gang, thank you for listening. Keep on living. Don't go canoeing in Pine Lake. And until next time, chicken. Chalmayne. I do believe in miracles Since you came along You sex a thing

Where did you come from, baby? How did you know I needed you? How did you know I needed you so badly? How did you know? I'd give my heart gladly. Yesterday I was one of the lonely people. Now you're lying close to me, making love to me. I believe in miracles. Where are you from?

You sex and things. Sex and blame you. I believe in miracles since you come along. You suck something Where did you come from? How did you know I'll be the wrong? Did you know you're everything I prayed for? Did you know every night and

April. One day, one day, leaving love and satisfaction. Now you're lying next to me, giving it to me. I believe in miracles. Way from,

you said some things. Sex, I believe in miracles. Since you came in love, you said something. Kiss me. you sex to touch you baby

you're sexy thing I love the way touch you're down you're sexy babe sexy you sex to see you sex the pain yesterday

I was one of the lonely people and now your life close to me giving up to me I believe in miracles Where are you from? You sexy thing Sex are bang you

I've been eating miracles Since you came along You sex the thing Oh touch me Kiss me telling I love the way For me, baby It's ecstasy

Oh It's sex to sing Sixthay You love The love the way I love the way You kiss my darling Oh yeah

It's sex today You're good Love the way you're holding Keep on love of me darling I'm sorry. Thank you.