The Harland Highway - 998 - Corporal TOM DOWDY weighs in on downed US drone. Harland's invention. CRAZY news story.

Episode Date: June 24, 2019

Corporal TOM DOWDY weighs in on downed US drone. Harland's invention. CRAZY news story. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

It's the Harland Highway, it's the Harlan. I was trying to croon you. I was trying to seduce you into listening to the Harland Highway podcast, but I figure you're already here. You're already seduced. You're already about to get, well, anyways. Welcome, I'm Harlan Williams. This is the Harlan Highway podcast.

Thank you for joining me, everybody. We are going to have some fun tonight. Oh, my God. I'm going to talk to you about an invention, kind of a reinvention, an innovation that I came up with towards the end of the show where I solved a problem that needed solving and I did it in kind of an unorthodox way and kind of an interesting story, maybe.

For me, it is. Also, a crazy new story. This one's kind of crazy but sad in a way, but also scary. We're going to talk about that. Yes, it involves sharks, okay? Yeah, you'll see. Just you'll see what happens. And then also, later in the show,

we're going to get a call from Major Lieutenant, Corporal Tom Dowdy. Our military expert is going to weigh in on all this kind of volatile activity that's been happening in the Middle East. I don't know if you heard, but Iran shot an unmanned drone out of the sky, an American unmanned drone. and so tensions are ratcheting up and we have our military expert Tom Dowdy who's going to walk us

through it. It's going to be exciting so put your helmet on. This is the Harland Highway. What do you know my name? It's on the marriage certificate. I've never seen you before in all my life. Hold on to your airbag. You're heartless, heartless

monsters. All of you threw it through. You're riding down the Harland Highway. Oh, yeah! When you see a fallen stock, that means a witch has just died. You clumsy idiot? The Harland Highway. Oh, I want is to hear people say something again and to see people moving again.

I'm Floyd Bernie, a rockabilly boy. Don't you understand? You're listening to Harlan Williams. I can't be your daughter. I'm a machine. Man, you've been dead a thousand years. Why, George, I think he's got it. You're riding down the Harland Highway with Harland Williams.

What's up, Doc? Mr. If you're going to lose, you're going to lose right now. Don't leave me here! Hi. Welcome to the Harland Highway. Oh, my God. oh my god roger stop stop stop no stop the music it's too scary roger no stop it stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop sure

roger stop stop thank you thank you okay we all know that music that's the jaws music okay and the reason i'm playing it is because i've got a crazy news story and i just you know i want to to set the tone. That music is so masterful. It just, you hear that and you already know there's this ominous danger coming your way. So before we can play more of that theme song, that Jaws music, we have to play the appropriate theme song for the crazy news story because this one is, this one is, this one is sharky. Let me tell you that one.

Roger, hit hit our crazy news story theme and then we'll come back. to maybe one of the best themes of all time. Hit it. The Harland Highway. Crazy news story. That's weird. Wow. That's strange stuff.

Okay. Okay. So we officially hit our theme song. Okay. But now, Roger, as I read the headline for this crazy news story, bring back in one of the best theme music of all time. the theme from the movie Jaws, and then I'll read our crazy, scary headline.

Go for it. Oh, God. It's just so frightening. Listen to that. You just know it's coming, right? God, one of the best ever. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ha-ha-cha-cha-she-ch-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-hack. Wow, okay, let's, enough with the frightening horror music.

What a theme, but let's get to the crazy news story here, man. And this is all, this is a tear-jurker. Like, shark attacks are bad enough, but wait do you hear how this one went down. Here's the headline. California man killed an apparent Hawaii shark attack was, quote, good-hearted family man, and here it comes, who just retired, friends say. Oh, come on, man. I know you sharks are cold-blooded, but really?

What the F? I mean, every one of us has that fear of being, you know, attacked by a shark, right? But at least do it in our prime. At least do it when we're in the middle of our our nine to five rat race job. Right? We put in 30 years at a desk

and somewhere in the middle of it, 15 years in, we decide to go on a trip and get attacked by a shark and we're taken out. And the only good news is, We don't have to put in the other 15 years. But not this guy. Here it is. You ready?

The California man who was killed in an apparent shark attack while swimming in Hawaii on Saturday was a, quote, good-hearted family man who led an active lifestyle according to his friends. The victim, 65-year-old Thomas Smiley. I mean, even his name is friendly. Really, Shark? You have to go after a guy with the name Smiley in his name?

How about Billy the asshole? Couldn't you attack that guy? Thomas Smiley? Couldn't you go after Johnny Payne in the ass or, you know, Donald the asshole? Thomas Smiley was a longtime optometrist and resident of Granite Bay about 25 miles northeast of Sacramento. Smiley had flown into Maui with his wife two weeks before the fatal attack, so he was setting himself up for it.

He had just retired this year. Oh, my God, my heart's breaking. How freaking unfair is that, man? It's just not fair. Oh, God. Let's read more into this. Quote, he was a good-hearted man. He was one of those people he would ask him.

parents how are you doing and basically wanted to know how you were doing not because it was conversation god this is just one of those nice guys who went through life probably didn't step on anyone's toes everyone at the office loved them had a nice little family they say smiley loves skiing scuba diving and organized racing events but smiley's biggest passion. Oh, God, here we go, was his family. Oh, God. Did somebody send this little memo to the shark? You know, the shark couldn't have, you know, with all the people in the ocean, he couldn't have taken, like, no offense if you're a cab driver, but a lonely, single old, overweight, greasy cab driver with no real connections to the world. Got to take the loving, friendly, family guy from the community?

Quote, when he became a grandfather, that tender side that was in there and that he always kept suppressed, he couldn't keep it suppressed anymore. He loved his children and he really loved his grandchildren, said a family member. Oh, God. So now not only is a nice guy, he's a guy that maybe kind of kept his softer side hidden for many years. and then was finally kind of so moved by having grandchildren that it finally allowed him to open up. You know, he's one of those sheltered people

who didn't maybe know how to express or a moat. And he finally hit that point in his life where he's like, I've found a way to be open. I've found a way to talk to people. All these years, I haven't been able to reach out and connect. Now, somehow, now I've, I've, I've reached this milestone. It's just beautiful.

I've got so much lost time to make up for. What's that music? Oh, my God, what's that sound? Shia, shi-j-j-j-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-hk! Oh, my God. Witnesses cited by the Hawaii news told Maui police that Smiley was swimming about 60 yards from the shore. When the attack occurred, emergency responders were called to the scene around 8.45 a.m. Well, you know, isn't that a little early to be snorkeling?

Isn't that right around when the big sharks are looking for a McAfee breakfast meal or something? Don't we all wake up a little hungry? I mean, if you're a shark and you've been swimming around in the black abyss all night, and you can smell the fish and you can hear all the fish, but you can't see the fish. I'd be like if you were laying in bed and cheeseburgers, were floating around your head, while you laid him bed and you're reaching out for them

but you couldn't grab them. But then when those first rays of sunlight came through the window in the morning, oh, there they were. Game over. Snap, snap, snap. That's probably what the sharks do, man. You know, a lot of them probably

have to wait till the daytime to lay eyes on some meat. And here's a guy named Smiley. How much of a fight is that guy going to put up? There's about probably 185 to 220 pounds of meat. There's your Smiley McMuffin right there, just floating right by. Why not?

The Maui police said responders pulled Smiley ashore and tried to revive him. He was pronounced dead at the scene. The last fatal shark attack in Hawaii was in 2015. when a snorler off Maui was killed. Oh, God. You know, it's just sad, man. You can't even laugh about it. And I'm wanting to talk, man.

I take risks. I swim. I mean, I was just down in Florida like last week. I'm swimming around in shark-infested waters. And a wise man said to me once, you know, people go, Are there sharks in that water? And this guy who is a local guy that goes, he goes, sir, if you're in the ocean, there's sharks.

I'm like what? You may not know it, but there are sharks around you. When you swim in the ocean, you are in the shark's domain. You may not see them. You may not hear them. But there are always sharks around. And I just went, man, that's kind of true. I want, there's always birds in the sky.

right there's always fish around why won't there be sharks of course they're there but it's just the odds you you you factor in what are the odds of me getting attacked by a shark i mean they they see you you'd have a better chance of getting hit by lightning 12 times or something like that but still when that moment comes you're probably you know in the shark's mouth's going oh christ i should have tried to get hit by lightning god there at least lightning would have just zapped me and I'd be dead. Now I'm getting eaten alive. Now I know what that cheeseburger feels like. Jump, jump. Oh, God. So, you know, there you go, man. And it's weird when you're swimming in the ocean, too. You know, you feel somehow you feel immune or empowered or

something. You think, ah, there may be sharks, but they're not going to hit me. I may see a shark go by or this or that but but that's the that's the thing nature's so unpredictable you just never know man so these are the chances we take and uh it's just just sad that this guy it happened right when he was ready to wind down and retired for two weeks after putting in the slogging into work for his whole life you know just really to make some money, put some food on the table, and basically fatten himself up for this big fat shark to come and give him his final retirement party. Be careful out there, gang.

Holy saltwater meatloaf. Uh, Mr. Smiley? Mr. Smiley, sir? Yeah, there's a big giant fin coming up behind you. Mr. Can you hear me? Mr. Smiley? Oh my god, I think there's a sharp Mr. There's a great big giant pin

Oh my god, Mr. Smiley! Ah, fuck it, let's go for breakfast. Yeah, ah, ah, ah. One cheeseburger with everything coming up. Hello? Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No, yes, yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex.

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Hello. Hey, Harlan. It's Gabriel Daigle from Long Beach, California. Boy, so many things swimming through my head as to what I should say. It sure has been a great right down the highway. I was looking back, and I started listening to you after you were on the Supreme Court of Comedy.

You did a guest spot on that show, and I was in 2010. So I think I was there before the first hundred, but I've made my fandom and my appreciation. You really well known over the years. are amazing. I've referred to you as a genius. You don't seem to like that. I'm still going to call you that. Because I love you. And I want to thank you for Dr. Ascot and Timmy, that friggin' little campfire boy and Charlie Lee, of course. And I want to thank you for Mr. Featherstone, the whole cavalcade of Harlan's crazy interval. that I just can't get enough of.

Most of all, and this would be my request on the way out, I really would appreciate it if you put a call out to our friend from Camp Pendlington, Major, Lieutenant, Colonel, Lieutenant, French Chef, Nature, Tom Doughty, and ask him what he thinks about the world's current crisis he's the one that just kills me every time you do him and I really want to thank you for everything

you know that me and my wife Carol will be right in front in Brea and in Irvine the next time you come around and I will have that Nestle quick shirt on just for you to laugh about and we will have a crazy good time together thank you for everything Harlan

I love you with all my heart best of luck with everything you do i will be there to follow you every step of the way but for now i'm going to finish up eating my bowl of chicken chalman baby oh my gosh what a what a wonderful voicemail from gabriel thank you so much gabriel and carroll have just like he stated have been just such true fans of not just the harland highway but but my stand-up shows and everything I do, and I just want you to know how much it means to me

and your heartfelt message and the words of love and support, and just, you know, this is part of why entertainers do what they do. We do it because we have this artistic drive and we've got to get stuff out, but we also know that we're hoping that what we put out there lands on the ears of someone who gets it, and appreciates it and understands it and wants it and and and and and you know all these things

just like all of us have our favorite artists and and and you know musicians and comedians and and so to to be honored to be just in on somebody's hit list or playlist that that I'm someone that they they derive a lot of pleasure and entertainment from and laughter and joy that just warms my heart so Gabriel and Carol, thank you. You've always been there. And, you know, fittingly, I was just about to get into the whole kind of state of world affairs and the military and just switch gears and do this. Do that, all right? So let's do that.

All right. Let's switch gears. Let's go from one dangerous element to another. if you were watching the news this week you saw that our good old friends Iran good old Iran over there in the Middle East they were up to their old hijinks you know kind of if you believe the propaganda

that they spread terror and I'm not saying I believe it or I don't believe it as everything in life there's probably a little bit of a mixture of all things there's probably the element of Iran doing very bad things and the element of the good old USA, you know, making sure that there's a monster in the world to keep everyone scared. So I take everything I see or hear in the news with a grain of salt and the real story

behind it and blah, blah, blah. You know, I think you got it these days. There's so many inaccuracies and falsehoods that are that are, you know, you you know, relayed to we the people. And I'm not just talking politics. I'm talking everything, man. You just, we live in a world where the art of caring and being factual and just reporting the facts has kind of gone out the window. And that's a sad testament of the times.

But at any rate, it seems that there's video footage of Iran shooting a multi-million dollar. unmanned drone out of the air and um you know they they have to be accountable in some way and so according to news reports and according to Donald Trump himself he he kind of lined I ran up in his in his crosshairs he had birds in the air he had ships in the water he had he had missiles pointed locked and loaded and ready to go and uh And he changed his mind. He kind of stood down at the last second. He's like, you know what?

I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to escalate this conflict. And in a way, you've got to admire that. It's like I'm always a guy when somebody slaps you, you know, and when there's a lot at stake and we're talking about world harmony and order. I'm kind of a strong supporter of, you got to, you got it. got to hit back or else, you know, the person that hit you thinks they can get away with it, right? But in this case, Donald Trump, much to his credit, and I would give the same credit to any political leader,

he kind of assessed a situation and said, look, they shut down an unmanned drone that was worth a lot of money. Okay. But what do we always say in life? Look, money and things can be replaced. human life can't. And Trump was advised by his intelligence people that if he did a strike, that 150 or more people, Iranian people, would be killed.

And Trump kind of balanced those two things and thought, you know, as much as I don't like the U.S. being attacked and provoked and poked and prodded, It was an unmanned aircraft, and, you know, if you've got to put yourself in Trump's shoes, if you're the president, would you want the blood of a 150 or 200 people on your conscience, on your hands? You know, even though they were, quote, unquote, the enemy, you got to figure these soldiers probably have family and friends and children. and so I think Trump showed a lot of restraint. I hope it doesn't send the wrong message to Iran,

but I think Trump was the bigger man, and he held back, which is commendable. You know, I would say that about any political leader from any country. And so you just hope that Iran doesn't think, yeah, we can do whatever we want. of us. I mean, I hope Iran. They've got to know that if the United States wanted to obliterate Iran, they could

they could make Iran go away in probably less than 24 hours. Probably shorter, okay? I mean, I don't know if you were around for the Gulf War, the, you know, the war with Iraq, with Saddam Hussein and Saddam Hussein's special forces and and George Bush introduced this thing, the shock and awe campaign. And I don't know if you watched it live on CNN, but basically almost overnight, you know, the United States lit up Iraq and filled the sky with, you know,

stealth jet fighters and cruise missiles and you name it. and Iraq's mighty special superior Majesty's forces were like running for the cracks in the wall like cockroaches. I mean, this thing was over almost as soon as it started. And this was a country like Iran touting their military and flexing and saying they had the power to destroy the world

and the United States just leveled them in like a night pretty much. as much as I'm not an advocate of war and don't like to see people die it was quite awe-inspiring to see just how quickly and how tactfully I don't mean tactfully as in terms of manners I mean tactically I should say that the United States struck with such precision

and overwhelming power it was just like good God if that wasn't a message to the world like we don't want to get on the wrong side of the United States so So anyways, it was just something interesting in the news, and I'm blabbing on about it. But what I really wanted to do is we have a specialist in the theater of war. We have a gentleman who calls into the show from time to time, or we call him,

and we talk to him about these very matters, about the very delicate game of war. and this is a decorated serviceman. He was in, I think he was in Korea, I think he was in Vietnam, I think he was in Iraq, I think he was in Afghanistan. I don't know if there's a war he wasn't in. I'm talking about commander, lieutenant, third corporal, inspector, Colonel Tom Dowdy from Camp Pendlington over here on the west coast of California.

You're still an active service member. He still engages and advises, and he's still right in the mix. And so we thought we'd rather than me drone on about it, no pun intended. We'd get an expert's point of view on this type of antagonistic war play that Iran is engaging in. So without further ado, let's get him on the line, Raj. Is he there? Okay, good. And here we go.

Let's connect to French commander, inspector, left corporal Tom Dowdy. Hello, are you there, sir? Hello? Yes, sir. Is that major Tom, corporal lieutenant, first officer, Tom Dowdy? That is correct, sir, and you are good to go. I'm sorry, sir. I don't like to repeat myself.

You are good to go, civilian. Sir, are you there? I said you are good to go. That's three times. One more time, and you will be court-martial, Salivian. Sir, yes, sir. This is Harlan Williams from the Harlan...

I know who you are. Okay. Don't think that anybody would call Corporal, Major Lieutenant, Frenchmaster quarter-starter, Tom Dowdy, doesn't know who's on the line. If you don't think I have surveillance equipment to track what's coming in and out of my bunker, then you might as well be eating jellyfish off the back end of Rebel Wilson's fucking tidy-whidey soldier. Sir, what was that?

I don't like to repeat myself. Now, how may I be of service to you, civilian? Sir, just so you know, you've already been of service to all of us. I'm well aware. I am well aware of the time and the duty I have put into this country, the United States of America now. if you have an agenda, if you have some protocol, you want to go through with me, Zeroy, and then how about we get to the start line and we fire that goddamn study pistol and we start moving forward?

Yes, sir, I didn't mean to dilly-dally. I know your time is important, and we wanted to talk to you, sir, about the state of affairs in the Middle East and the turbulence. uh the the conflict that seems to have arisen uh recently uh well it's kind of an ongoing conflict but recently there was a flare up with the uh the iranian national guard knocking one of our very expensive drones out of the sky and oh yeah let me stop the there civilian good old iran The name of a flock of seagulls song Pardon me, sir?

Flock of seagulls, they had a song called Iran I think that was called Iran, sir. All right, when a civilian corrects a decorated officer of the theater of war, I'll tell you all come down there with my marching boots on, I will tie them as tight as they go, and I will march straight up the crack of your dirty, hairy Olive Garden ass. Do you hear me, civilian? Yes, sir.

I didn't mean to correct you. Now, let me get back to Iran, okay? I ran. Irritation, reaming America's nut sack. What was that, sir? You heard me, civilian. I ran. I.

irritation are reaming A, Americas, N, nut-sack. Wait, are you saying that the letters in the name of the Iran, you've dedicated words to them? Irritation reaming America's nut-sack civilian. Wow, that's a little, that's a little disrespectful, I think, sir. as pointing your fucking third grade Play school Lego Land Out of date, out of touch. World War I weaponry

towards the Iranian fucking sky on a speckled starry night. Oh, yeah. A starry night so filled as stars it looks like pitty long stockings pulled down her pants and her freckly ass cheats are smiling down on the world. Sir, what is what?

When these Tonkotoy traders point their fucking dirty old free fucking civil war weapons up at the night sky, and they shoot down a United States of America drone with the most sophisticated, advanced military technology and hardware known to human, kind, and they knock it out of the sky. Well, that's like Rebel Wilson shooting a fucking sand flea off the back of an English muffin at a golden corral. All you can eat buffet, civilian. Sir, what is with Rebel Wilson? Irritation reaming America's nuttack.

Sir, are you saying that the Iranians have an antiquated weaponry system, And it sounds like you're appalled that they were able to take something out of the sky that was so advanced. Well, think about it. Are you kidding me? This is the United States of America military. We have the most advanced aeronautics military equipment on the face of God's green goddamn grizzly Adams Earth. Okay, civilian. And these guys pick up a dirty old rusty slingshot from a tool chest full of fucking.

fucking rotten weapons that probably have termites and dildo juice on them. And they point that garbage to the sky and knock out one of our birds. Well, suck my dirty fucking mushroom cap until it glistens in the corner of Rebel Wilson's left eye. Sir, sir, what is, did you say your mushroom cap glistening in the corner of Rebel Wilson's left eye? Vingo, civilian. Sir, I, listen, with all due respect... No, with all due... Don't you, God damn all due respect me, civilian.

I'm Corporal Major, Lieutenant, Lieutenant, Corporal, French Commander, Tom Dowdy. Now, I have been to the Iraqi and Iranian feeder of war, okay? I was there for shock and awe, which I heard you mentioned earlier, shock and awe. I crawled through those dethered dins on my belly like a pregnant scorpion with a fallopian tubes tied and 3,000 little baby scorpions waiting to pop out of my hairy, hairy United States Marine wombhole. Your wombhole, sir? You would be civilian. What is a wombhole?

Sir? Let me finish. Now I crawled around on those fucking hot desert sands. In the middle of the night, in the middle of the day when the sun was coming down, where you could almost see the melanoma dripping off the sunbeams. It was hotter than Rebel Wilson's bicycle seat after she drove 17 miles to a Burger King drive-thru

that was just about to shut down, because of a cockroach scare. Sir, what? Shut up. I'm not finished. Now I crawled to that desert under those fucking sunny skies of Iraq. And that sun baked my skin

so that I looked like a cracker barrel blackened catfish crawling along the beaches of a lake erie covered in pollution and covered with fucking hatred for the Iraqi secret army. Sir, I understand you did some time during the shock and awe campaign, and I understand you had to have endured just the most adverse conditions crawling in blazing sun and in the heat.

And you know what, so dear? No one was shooting drones down. back then because we didn't have drones. You know what we had? We had men. We had manned aircraft. And if you're going to send aircraft up into the sky with nothing in them, well, you know what my definition of nothing is civilian? What would that be, sir? Listen real close. How do you mean, sir?

Put your ear right up to the telephone and listen real close, because I'm going to give you my interpretation of nothing. Sir? I said put your ear up to the phone, civilian. Yes, sir, my ear is right at the phone, and I'm listening for nothing? I said my interpretation of nothing. You tell me if you can hear this. Sir? You know what that was, civilian?

It sounded like an air current, sir? That's what we call a silent fart. Sir, did you just do a silent fart into the phone? Big no, civilian. And that is my interpretation of nothing. If you're going to put military aeronautics into the sky over enemy territory, you better, goddamn, put a good old-fashioned, 100% Newman's lemonade, fucking Prego pasta sauce,

merry calendars meatloaf loving fucking American airman inside of that fucking aircraft. If you're going to put nothing inside of it, if you're going to send an unmanned drone, then you might as well just send up a good, Good old-fashioned Hickory smoked in and out burger, silent fart. Sir, sir, I, did you just do a silent fart right into the phone? Uh, making a point. Your point being, sir, that you're saying that we shouldn't have unmanned drones or, or aircraft because they're not as capable as,

an aircraft with a human being, manning the controls? What I'm saying so, it is that is an insult. I know good, high-quality airmen. I know good high-quality airmen. Good God, fearing, meatloat, eat, and I hop, pancake, Rudy, tootie, fish, and fruity Denny's full moon over my hammy, fucking in and out burger animal style, double, double burger king, home of the whopper eating American. airmen. And when you put what I qualify as a silent fart up into the air, you are

riveted into the faces of those highly trained, skilled, killing, flying foxes. Wow. You know, sir, I kind of get your point. I see what you're saying. You know, you're saying we put all this time and money and effort into training, these incredible pilots that can fly these highly advanced war machine airplanes and jets that we've built and I think I get what you're saying it's an insult to then put an unmanned a drone or aircraft into the sky well these these these men and women that we've trained so well are just sitting on the ground and not being utilized big will you just got yourself to shangrilla now why don't you take your clothes off and slip into the sparkling emerald waters of eternity

and do an underwater far bubble sailor. Sir, what was that? I'm not sure. I think I slipped a little on that one. Sir, I just, you know, I think you have a bit of a point with what you said. Sir, if you can stop doing silent farts into the phone, I think that might be a little repulsive to some of our listeners. I'll tell you what repulsive is, soldier. Repulsive is crawling through the desert in the middle of the night in the Iraqi sands.

Your skin is so crested up, you look like a piece of halibut that just squeezed itself out of a killer whale's asshole on the high sea. of the fucking turban straight. I'll tell you what's repulsive. Repulsive is when you got lips so dry, you can go a fucking all-night strip joint. Put some fucking lemon oil on your teeth and someone throws

a $10 bill in your mouth pussy. Sir! Hold, can you just stop with these analogies? We get it. You were in the dry desert. You were... Don't tell you. me to stand down, soldier. I'm the one given the orders here. I don't believe you have any stripes or badges. No, I've never been in the military, sir, but...

Then shut your goddamn dirty crab-fingered fucking lobster trap. Now, if you want to know what sacrifice is, if you want to know what it means to really put yourself on the line, then why don't you come on a trip with me, soldier? when I crawl through the Iranian desert sand. And I'm scraping my belly along the fucking dirty, slimy rocks. I'm scraping my pelvis along the fucking bulrushes and the lily pads. I'm so dirty and smelly. I might be mistaken as a Rebel Wilson's ass crack,

and all you can eat, fucking Don Nott's Festival. sir are you drinking at all maybe i is and maybe i ain't sir i i think i think we we always enjoy your perspective and i think we're gonna just let you go uh and and thank you so much

wait for it what was that sir that was a silent fart and then I paused it for a bit and I did what I call a trailer it's a little baby silent fart that just comes in at the end it's like putting a cherry on top of a cheesecake

or whipped cream on top of a hot chocolate it just adds a little accent gives what we call a little flavor sir I don't think anyone wants flavor on silent farts. Sir, what are you doing? Sir? Sir!

Those are what you call popcorn farts. When they pop around in your underpants like a pair of fucking Chinese salamanders. at a North Korean Square Dance. Sir, are you okay? Those are what you call Morris Code, silent farts. Hell, they can save your life if you need to get a message out to your platoon if you're in enemy hands.

A Morris Code, you should learn how to do that civilian, case you're ever trapped. Stop. Stop. Stop. What the hell did you just... Did you just do a Morris Code? Popcorn, silent popcorn fart?

Dingo. Do you know what I said? No, I do not know what you said. I said, if you like Tina Corrata, if you like getting caught in the rain, if you're not in the health food. And you have half a brain. Sir?

Sir what? If you like making love at midnight and getting high in the rain. Sir, can you stop doing the Pina Colada song Morris Code with your popcorn silent farts? You're the lady I look for. Come with me. And I'll suck out your brain.

Okay, sir, I think we have to go. Thank you for your insight on all of this. You know, you're the only person that can really do this. We thank you so much. And Godspeed, sir. Why don't you go suck a shrimp boat rate at a revolution 700-foot wide fucking panty liner? Good God.

What, sir? Fuck you upside down cake. What the fuck you upside down cake? Oh my God. What a, what an experience, just talking to that guy is, it's almost exhausting, but what a perspective. I mean, we are fortunate to have a man who, is he gone? Oh, boy. Wow.

As I was saying, we are fortunate to have a man that has been in the trenches, who has been in the theater of war, who has, who has been in the theater of war, who has, done his time. I mean, sometimes he gets a little sidetracked and goes off, but, you know, you know you're getting the goods when you talk to Inspector, Colonel, Lieutenant, Corporal, Captain, Sergeant at Arms, Tom Dowdy. And we thank him, and that might be the last time we talked to him for a while. But what an inspiration.

What a, what a hero. what a what a man to give his life and service to this country and to its people and thank you such an honor to talk to you sir although the whole Morris Code thing was a bit odd thank you whew okay let's do a commercial roj I need to assemble my thoughts a little here that was kind of out there and then then we'll come back on the other side of the break and and keep going. All right, thanks. Fresh is.

A walk through the woods on an early spring morning. Fresh is a gentle breeze that takes you by surprise. Fresh is simple. With Summer's Eve, the most convenient disposable dish you can buy. This exclusive one-piece unit means there's nothing to assemble. And it's available in two fragrances or vinegar and water. The solution doctors recommend. With Summer's Eve, freshness has never been simpler.

Okay, let's end the show with a little summer-related thing. This is kind of a little, you ever do something where you're innovative and you feel like you come up with something that's kind of new and it wasn't kind of out there in the world and you're kind of even proud of yourself? Well, let me explain here. Yours truly, you know, I try to be a clever guy sometimes. I like to think of solutions and figure out problem solving and things like that. So a friend of mine has a place down in Florida and he has his neighbors. And in between the two houses, and he's nice enough to let me go down there and spend some time and hang out and fish and swim and stuff like that, you know.

And so in between his house and his neighbors, house is buddy who i got to know great guy um is this beach it's probably uh i don't know i'd say 800 feet okay it's it's this really nice beach and there's little little strip of land in between the two houses um and during the cold months like during the winter uh the beach is fully exposed like it's it's a really big beach with beautiful almost white sand on it And it's just, you know how beaches are. It's beautiful. But here's the dilemma.

This guy has his place in a part of Florida where in the summer they get a huge influx of what's called seagrass. I don't know if you know this, but all around Florida, there's many areas where the ocean floor is just thick and rampant with sea grass. This is grass that grows up from the sand in the bottom of the ocean, and it comes up probably comes up about 12 inches high, maybe a little bit more, maybe a little bit less in some spots. But nonetheless, in the summer the grass is very active and it's constantly replenishing itself. So it's almost like an old man with his hair falling out.

And so I've been down there, and what happens in the summer months, like June, July, August, September, there is so much grass coming out and rising to the top of the water that it forms these islands. It forms these islands that are literally acres big. I mean, you'll see islands the size of a football field. And those are just the clumps. Outside of the clumps that have assembled,

there's smaller strands and smaller clumps always floating around in the water. It's just everywhere. And it's not pollution. It's not anything bad. It's just kind of like the way like leaves regenerate themselves in the spring and the fall up here on terra firma. You know, leaves die and fall off and then regrow in the spring. Well, this is what's occurring in the ocean. It's actually a healthy thing.

The grass is coming loose or dying or being pulled out, and then it's making way for the new grass. But the side effect of this is this. these massive, I'm talking metric cubic tons of seagrass that eventually has to float into the shore and eventually, you know, clumps up huge. Like we're talking three feet thick and, you know, who knows how wide out from the shoreline it comes out.

And not only is it kind of unsightly, it starts to decompose and then it goes from, you know, a nice emerald green to a kind of a dark brown, and then eventually it becomes black. And then it doesn't really totally smell, but it does start to get a little swampy and stinky. You know, it's just unsightly. You know, it's just tons and tons of this dead, soggy seagrass.

And for the last number of years that I've been going down to my friend's place, I've seen it, and I've like, I said to him, I said, God, man, it sucks because you lose your whole beach. That beautiful whole beach in between the two houses is completely covered in two, three feet of this horrible seagrass. So I hope I'm painting the right picture for you. And so last year I said to him, I said, you know, there's got to be a way to stop this. I said, you know, everything's on the internet. So I said, there's got to be a way somebody somewhere has invented something to stop the seagrass.

right from floating in and reaching the shore so i go on the internet and sure enough there's some company that services like resorts all over the world in akapoko and jamaica and hawaiian some company has made these these big like blue floats okay they're like bright navy blue and it's kind of like a pontoon and it's probably about like two feet high and maybe about a foot and a half two feet wide and it floats on top of the water on these kind of metal brackets and hanging beneath it in the water submerged in the water is like a foot a foot length or a foot and a half a foot and a half of like what looks like netting and I said I knew it somebody did it somebody somebody invented somebody saw this same problem that I saw and somebody invented a way

to fix it. And so I looked at this stuff online. I went, first of all, you know, the bright blue pontoon is a bit in your face. I was like, ah, man, you know, you put that out in front of your place, and now all of a sudden, instead of just looking out at the ocean, you've got this big blue line, you know, so I didn't really love that. And then I phoned the people just to find out. I said, okay, hey, I've got 800 feet of beach.

at my friend's place and how much would it be to buy your stuff and put it in and blah blah blah and I guess they charge per 50 feet and what it came out to roughly was going to be about $22,000

okay $22,000 for this long strip of like seagrass preventer and not only that but this thing he said and then he said that's just for the initial

thing, but then you've got to set it all up, and then you've got to buy these brackets to join all the pieces together, and that's extra money, and then there's shipping, and there's this and that. So I can tell that $22,000 was probably going to climb up to $25,000 or $30,000 when it was all set and done. I'd probably have to hire some people to put it together and install it, and then the other thing is when you have something this elaborate and this expensive, you know, Florida is hurricane land.

So if you have a big hurricane coming, then you're most likely going to have to go and take all that stuff out of the water, which is 800, 900 feet of stuff and it's bulky and it's big. And not only that, then you've got to find a place to put it. Where do you put 900 feet of a blue pontoon that costs $30,000? You don't have a garage. You can't store it up on your balcony. I mean, so now you're dealing with the possibility of this expensive thing getting washed away or damaged or torn up.

And so I looked at that and I said, okay, I don't want to go there. And I said, well, what's another solution? What's a way that I could do this? And then I started thinking, I don't know, well, what about fishing nets? And I just went, well, fishing nets are kind of obscure and oblong and you'd have to cut them and you'd have to. And then I thought, oh, wait a minute. I play badminton my whole life. How about badminton?

And then I looked online and badminton nets are kind of thinly made and they're only like, I think, 20 feet wide or something like that. And I thought, okay, they look a bit flimsy. What about volleyball nets? And then I looked at volleyball nets are even wider and they're more durable. And then I went, well, wait, how wide are tennis nets? And it turns out tennis nets are like, 42 feet wide.

They're huge. I play tennis all the time. I didn't realize how wide a tennis net was. And then I looked and I also realized that tennis nets have a smaller mesh. You know, volleyball nets have the big mesh. You could almost put your head through the net of a volleyball net. But tennis nets have a much smaller square and they're super coated because they sit outside. So they put some kind of like very thin.

thick durable coating on it and it's a thick weave and I went oh well that's a bonus and then I realized tennis nets at the top have that big wire stainless steel cable right they got that big wire cable that run across the top and I'm like well there you go and then that wire cable is covered by the white trim they've got that white kind of plastic cloth coating that goes over the wire cable at the top of a tennis net and then down at the bottom corners of the tennis net they've got all these strings where you tie them off to the poles. And I went, wait a minute, that could be it. So I went online and I said to my friend, I'm going to look up tennis nets.

And I looked at the price. And a good quality tennis net is like $62. And I went, holy smoke. So I started crunching the numbers and I realized, you know, if I bought like 15 tennis nets, 16 tennis nets for 62 bucks a pop. and, you know, a few dollars for shipping from, you know, Amazon.com, I'm looking at like $1,000 right around there versus $22,000. And my friend who's been down there much longer than me and knows the area and grew up there, actually,

he was kind of shaking his head going, I don't know, man, that just sounds, you know, I think if someone was, someone would have done that by now. I said, have you ever heard of anything? anybody doing this? He goes, no, nobody's ever really tried to stop the seagrass. And I said, well, man, I can't, I'm tired of looking at your beautiful beach just being, it looks like a garbage dump every summer. I said, let's do this. I said, let's spend a thousand dollars. We'll go like, you know, 30 feet off the beach. We'll put some, some, some, you know, wooden posts into the water. Well, you know, just the same way you'd, you'd put a wooden pile of

into the water if you're building a dock out into the water, right? You submerge those wooden pilings and you build your dock on it. So instead of going out into the water, we'll go across and we'll stretch these tennis nets across. And, you know, he thought it was as wacky an idea as I did, but I thought, why not? Why don't we give it a try? I said, for a thousand bucks, we can eat it. It's not going to kill us. And who knows if it works?

Holy smokes. You get this beautiful beach, blah, blah, blah. And the tennis nets are kind of unobtrusive. And so you know what? We freaking did it. The last month and a half, I've been trying to get down there and we've been working on it. And we did it.

And we put up like 800 feet of tennis nets from one end of the beach to the other. And these things sit about, I guess tennis nets sit about, I don't know, I think they're about four feet. high maybe yeah around four feet maybe three and a half four feet high and we submerged the wooden poles nice and nice and deep into the sand and they kind of blend in because they look like kind of those marine pilings that same material you'd see on a dock right and we strung these nets across and they they they worked perfectly you know they had that like I said they had the strong

wire wire wire cable at the top to give it all that strength and these things are totally durable and we brought them down to the sand and we tied them up and we stretched them out and these things are you you want to hear they're doing the job they've literally stopped the seagrass from hitting the beach this guy has this beautiful beach now and of course you're probably asking yourself and this is this was our biggest concern right away we're got well wait a minute is this this going to affect the marine life and here's how it works these nets are not out far enough they're they're out they're out at a distance when the tide goes down the nets are actually not even in the

water they're they're standing on sand and then when the tide comes in the water goes right through the nets and goes to the other side of the nets by depending on how high the tide is it could be six feet it could be 25 feet but our biggest concern was are we going to Are we going to snare any fish? Are we going to get like stingrays and crabs? Are we going to trap birds and turtles? Are we going to, you know, we're worried if any wildlife would get snared in these, in these nets. And so when we first put them up, we just did a little part to test it because we didn't want to,

we didn't want to cause any damage to the ecosystem or hurt the critters. And I'll be damned if nothing. Like we checked those things every day, every night for like a month and a half and not one. not one crab, not one fish. In fact, the exact opposite, what happened is now when the tide comes in, the fish that are able to fit through the holes and the net swim right through the holes. And they swim around in schools on the beautiful sand, where the sand is underneath the water at high tide,

and the stingrays are going under the net and the horseshoe crabs. And so what's happening is all these sea creatures are, enjoying a predator-free zone where they're loving it. They're swimming around and there's no seagrass to get in their way and obscure their... Because a lot of these fish and stingrays are bottom feeders, right? So now they've got this clear kind of environment where they can find their food. They're not being blocked by like three feet ofucky seagrass. And then sure enough, when the tide goes out, all these critters go back out.

They swim back through and under the net. It's amazing. And we've left a few little openings as well where critters, if something did get in and out, it could get back out. And so here's this kooky idea that you'd think it'd be stupid. But I said to my friend, I said, you know, if tennis nets weren't invented for tennis, I think they'd be invented for this, exactly, because it's like a perfect height, a perfect length, a perfect materials. And here's the real kicker, too. it doesn't even look bad. I thought it would be really invasive and look horrible.

But because the netting in the tennis nets is black, it almost disappears. It almost disappears against the landscape when you're looking from the water. And when you look out because it's so porous, it's netting, you're not really seeing it. It's like going through a thick screen almost. But most of it's submerged in the water.

So you're really only seeing the top part. and then that part it's in a straight line So it almost looks like you put a fence around your The same way you put a fence around your yard Now you've got what looks like kind of a fence Going across the front of the place in front of the beach And then another byproduct of this Is it's also created a safe swimming zone now

Where if someone wanted to swim at high tide They could splash around in like, you know, three, four feet of water and not worry about sharks and barracudas and other things. But what's really cool is the grass is floating in. It's hitting the netting. And if the tide's going down, it'll drop and it'll accumulate on the seafloor. But what happens is when the next tide comes in, the current washes the grass away.

So it's not even building up anymore. What happens is the tide washes the grass in, but the currents flow north and south. So it hits the net and then just kind of deflects and gets carried along the net and Washington just keeps going down the coastline. How about that, man? And I said to my buddy, I said, God, we can start an industry here. I don't want to.

I just wanted to help this guy with his beach, but he can't believe it. You know, he's lived down there for 56, 60 years and nobody's ever done this. And now I said to him, I said, geez, I wonder if all the neighbors are suddenly going to see this and start doing this. He goes, he said to me, he goes, you know, my brother lives down there. He lives a little ways down the coast and guess what? I'm going to do it at my brother's house.

And I went, here we go. Here we go, $60 tennis nets. So we'll see what happens, man. But right now it's really been effective. It's really cool. I don't know if any of you are ever going to be in a position where you're trying to keep seagrass off your property, but there you go, my little weird, inventive innovation, tennis nets, keeping out the seagrass. Harland 50, Seagrass love.

That just didn't work. I tried to do like a tennis score thing, and it just sounded. stupid. But I tried. So there you go. It just goes to show if you have kind of a kooky idea or something that seems illogical or it never hurts to try, you know. And if it doesn't take a lot of money and a lot of, you know, blood, sweat and tears, why not? But it just goes to show how you can innovate and create solutions to weird problems. And, you know, I'm kind of, in a way, I'm pat myself on the back a little. I'm proud of it.

And so far, so good. Like I said, no damage at all to any marine life and the grass is staying out. The beach is beautiful. And in fact, the marine life, like I said, is thriving. And even on the beach itself, all the critters that inhabit the beach, the crabs and all the little beach critters,

they now are coming out in droves because they now have a clear space where they can mate and they can feed and they can run around. and interact it's just kind of a real cool thing so so there you go and i'll end the show with a little bit of a boast and uh and we'll keep it right there if you have any if you have any weird innovations or ideas that you've done um feel free to share them although i have to say this we are down oh i hate to talk about it but uh you know Gabriel brought it up earlier with his phone

call. He said that we're running out of shows. We're almost at the end. And even though this is show 998, technically there should only be two more shows. Guess what? There's really five more shows because one of the very perceptive pavement pounders realized that I'm not good at keeping track of things so much. And he went through the whole library of the Harlan Highway podcast and realized that

somewhere over the course of the years, there was a few where I screwed up the numbers. And there were three episodes that don't really exist. They were never made. And so he pointed that out. And I said, well, I want to be true to the thousand mark. And so I am going to make sure we do those three. They aren't even extra podcasts. They're just podcasts that got mislabeled or overlooked.

So even though we're at 998, we're going to end up at 9. We'll probably end up at 1,000 and 3. And even though it says 1,000 and 3, because of my inability to, you know, number things, technically it will still be a 1,000 episodes. So we'll talk about that more as we go along. But, yeah, it is kind of sad. We're drawn near to the end here, gang. But we're not done yet.

So let's keep enjoying. and we'll leave it there. We'll leave it there. Lots to think about. And thank you for listening. Thanks for your phone calls. And until next time, chicken. Chalmy, baby?

You just got yourself to Shangri-la. Now why don't you take your clothes off and slip into the sparkling emerald waters of eternity and do an underwater far bubble sailor.