The Harland Highway - ADAM CAROLLA knows his hot way around a tool box and teaches us about building and construction.

Episode Date: November 12, 2024

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Hi, I'm Danny L'Priori. Ever get the feeling you're being watched online? It's not paranoia. It's data brokers. These companies collect your personal information, including your browsing habits, where you live, and even who you're related to, and they sell it to the highest bidder. That's where ORA comes in. ORA automatically removes your personal info from data broker sites and keeps it off. It also monitors the dark web, safeguards your device.

devices, alerts you to real-time threats and more. Start your free trial at aura.com slash control. That's a-U-R-A-com slash control for your free trial. Hey, folks, yours truly is coming to Oregon. I'll be in Portland, November 21st to 23rd, at the Helium Comedy Club, and then I'll be in Eugene, Oregon, December 5th to 7th, at the Olson Run Comedy Club and lounge. So come on out and have some laughs. Also on today's show, if you're a fan of Lieutenant Corporal Station Master Tom Dowdy, he's the military expert. And at the end of

the show, we have an audio-only portion where I interview Colonel Lieutenant Tom Doubtie about school shootings. We ask him about the whole phenomenon of school shootings here in the United States of America. He has some interesting takes on the whole horrible mess. So that's at the very end of the podcast, and it's an audio-only segment. So I hope you enjoy. And let's get on with the show. I have a bit of a loose tooth.

If you and mind pulling it out for me, sir. Oh, no. No, it hurts my teeth. If you and mind just clamping on and ripping one of my teeth out for me, sir. I hear you're really handy with them now. I'll tell you what I'll do. Look, just pinching on and pull it out. Listen, I'll do a three stooge's move.

I'll tie a string to it. I'll tie it to the doorknob and we'll slam the door. Well, then screw you. I'm going to do it myself, damn you. I'm not watching. Wait, I'm going to. Oh, uh, here we go. There we go.

What do you have nine-year-olds watching this show? Nobody. You're riding down the Harland Highway. All right, hold tight on the Harland Highway Show. How about this? And you can help me. Okay. Put this into the vernacular.

Okay. What's that? Okay. and whenever someone talks about being from Australia they go I'm from the land down under okay right yeah which to me is hell by the way yeah and we just go I'm from America how about we start calling ourselves the land up over in Canada no in the United States we're above Australia oh why are they down under but we're not above oh I see so on the isotherms yes we're above the equator and the

below the equator and they make a big deal out of it i'm from down under yeah we never go we're from up over right we should do that what if we started treating them like satan's minions and say yeah you're from down under stay the hell away from me demon what would it sound like if you were talking to an australian demon keep away from me i mate i get the hell away mate or something like that I think we're done with Australia. What do you mean? Are you mad? Are you having a fight with Australia?

Right here on the Harland Highway podcast? I remember growing up and they had a store called Coala Blue. Oh, yeah. Which was Olivia Newton John's store and everyone made a big deal. Yeah. And then there was Jocko, the former like rugby player who had he got like a action series on. Oh, was that the guy that said, oi? Yeah.

I don't know. I think that was the Jewish guy. He said, like, hoi. His was a little more aggressive. Oi was what the rabbi said. Hoy. Jaco said something. Okay.

And he had like an action series on ABC in like 1981. What, like an army guy? He was a kind of a Dolph Lundgren before Dolph Lundgren or something. Yeah, I remember this. And he did commercials for like Ever Ready Batteries. Like, oh, yeah, that's the guy, oy. Well, he didn't hit the oi. It wasn't Jewish like, aye.

You know, it wasn't like a rabbi. This guy was a rugby player. He's like, oh, no, but I don't think it was oi. I think it was like, hoi. No, I remember it was two letters. It was oi, oi. Okay, all right. But you're making it like he'd stub his tone and go,

oh, yeah. What happened here? Someone passed me the rugby ball? That's what I'm saying. I'm open. Why isn't somebody passing me the rugby ball? Oh, hey, pass to me already. I'm ready to run down the line here.

What the hell? What's with this guy here? Oy. Oh, no, I think it was a, no, I don't think it was, oh, I think it was, oh, I think it was, Ooi. Yeah, we're fighting inflections here. We're fighting inflections. We're the Hatfields and the McCoys of inflections.

It's weird. I think you're my only friend that I fight inflections with. I have some others I'll do some inflection fighting. Who? You don't know these guys. Maybe I do. Maybe. I dunt.

Wait, you said dunt instead of doing it. That's another inflection issue. So here's my thing, because you're, you to me, you have a deep, deep, deep vocabulary. You're a schooled guy. You're smart. I'm not schooled. You're schooled like you're schooled in your own way, though. Like you, you can talk to top scholars and you can talk to street scum.

All right. Now, me, I lose it after a word that has more than six letters. Like, I don't know, dummy here. You throw a word at me after six letters. If you want to see if I know what it is. Indubitably. It used to be the big expensive war. Give me a second.

Say it again. Can you say it in a sentence? Yes. I think I can. I announced the taxes were too high. And my accountant said indubitably. okay so i think your accountant's a stoner yeah and he wants to do a dobie yeah nightly is that what it means i smoke a duby nightly yes i said that to uh okay so i'm not too dumb

i said that to michael macdonald in 1977 and he said indubitably you said that to michael mcdonald i know his father ronald and i said uh cheeseburger to him i know his grandfather old old Old McDonald. Yeah. I think, I know that, isn't the guy that had the farm? He's a doobie brother. Oh, come on. Yeah.

There you go. Intubidably. Indubitably. That sounds really, you picked a word that sounds quite British, though. Oh, intubidably, out boy. You asked me to pick a multi-syllabic word that you may or may not have known. I don't speak Arabic. Syllabic.

Yes. There's an arranged marriage between my son's syllabic. Would you do an arranged marriage? here in America? I think... Is that off the table for you? No, everything's on the table. Okay.

Everything. Everything. There's nothing not on the table. You would do an arranged marriage here in the United States of America. I think there's a higher likelihood of success in arranged marriages than there are for people in their own free will because you're left alone, you make bad decisions. Let me explain, Harlan. Yeah, please.

By the way, how many letters is decisions? I think it's about right, about six or seven. Because I'm just barely getting what that means. But go ahead. I'll dumb it down a little. Please, like can you tart it down? For you and your audience. Like Helen Keller it down.

Well, look, there's advance and retard. You know, I think people think about retard as a pejorative. What's that mean? Pejorative. Is that like stuff you wear at night to bed? But in automobiles, you might advance the timing. or retard the timing. Oh, yeah.

And sometimes if there's a fire, you might want to put the fire out by making it retarded. Right. You use the fire retard. And is that the guy that keep in the back of the truck? Yes, the fire retard.

He's the guy that makes the siren noise. He sticks his head. Is that the fire retard? That's me. Well, that's you. Yeah. Okay. All right.

All right. Tell me, you were talking about the pejorative, which I have no idea. to me, that's sleepwear. No, but you're asking me about something. The arranged marriage. The range marriage.

Yeah. Okay. Let's break it down. Okay. A young lady may have had a horrible alcoholic for a father. Yeah. Then in her mid-20s is magically attracted to the alcoholic guy. Right.

Because she thinks she can save him. But she doesn't even know why she's attracted to him. So she hooks up. with the alcoholic and of course the cycle continues and it ends up with abuse alcoholism and divorce yeah so if that person was just set up with her neighbor there's a good chance she might not what women are attracted to is oftentimes destructive right and what men are attracted to is less often but still can be destructive and you make decisions for the wrong reasons. Is that why you see so many beautiful women with sort of toxic guys? Yeah. And by the way,

if you're a guy and you just love a big rack, then you might marry a woman with a big rack, but that doesn't mean she's going to make a good husband or a good mother or anything like that. So let's remove. Excuse me. Did you just say rack? Rack. I haven't heard that since 73. Let's remove when I was charged by a moose. Let's remove this from the equation and just do it randomly. Yeah, you know, but okay, this is going to sound shallow. Mm-hmm. What if we break it down to looks, like the physical beauty?

Yeah. Then are you so open to taking that gamble because, let's face it, whatever culture you're in, except for the one where they wear the burkas where all you see is the eyes. Mm-hmm. You don't know if, I mean, what if that gamble, the neighbor is like a chunky monkey with a couple of moles and a porpo snout, you know, and then you're like, you know what? I sure am missing that alcoholic check.

Oh, but she could be hot like a cherry Garcia. Yeah. I'm just doing ice cream flavors now. Well, what if she's sort of a mixture of a mint chocolate chip and a chunky monkey? Yeah, but she could be very international. She could be Neapolitan. Oh, wow. I like short ones.

I'm getting hungry. Oh, that's Napoleon. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. I see what you're saying. Because sometimes we get attracted to all these details that sometimes psychologically we don't even know aren't healthy for us, right? Yes.

It is a phenomenon that women of fathers who are alcoholics end up marrying an alcoholic. Yeah. that happens across the board. And a lot of times it's generic where the kid, the daughter inherits the alcoholism. Isn't that right? It is passed down. Yes, that way genetically.

But I still think that would be my argument for an arranged marriage. And I would bet you, things how when we're being trusted to pick our partners, we're at 50%. Yeah. that's not a great batting average in terms of divorce you mean the whole country is a 50 i think it is i think arranged marriage is probably higher and in a better higher batting average in terms of not getting divorced wow mind blown well it's just anything else blown

which depends on who the stranger is i just don't know yeah it's like we get so caught up in all the little psychological things. And I think back, you know, in the 40s and 50s, it was more like, oh, there's a good woman, there's a good man. But now we're caught up in Dr. Phil therapy, Oprah therapy, therapy, narcissists, catfishers, like there's so many psychological terms. There's so many labels on people now and everything they do is broken down into a category where you're like, what am I getting here?

It used to just be a bag of chips, and now it's an everything bagel, you know? Indubitably. What hell does that mean? It almost sounds like a watercraft, like one of those ones you blow up. Like a zodiac? Yeah.

Like I picture a bunch of marine biologists bombing around the Caspian sea on an indubitably. How do you say it? Intuitably. You have to say fast otherwise. Indubitably. Yeah. And is it a British word?

because it's not common in American. They're all British orders. You never hear someone down at the Starbucks going, yeah, man, I just sold a script to Fox, and I'm going surfing this afternoon, indubitably. Like, it feels like you'd be in Britain. It's like, oh, would you pass the sugar, Tom, indubidably? Or the greatoupon.

Yeah, remember that? Mm-hmm. Oh, God. I remember someone pulled up to me once in a limo. I was driving my father's Ford Pintosh. Pinto. Pinto. And a limo pulls up beside me.

The power window goes down. This British guy goes, pardon me, do you have any gray poop on? And I ripped my underpants off and just showed him my skid mark. Yeah. And the fucking guy rolled up the window.

What the hell? What a rude brett. Yes. And your dad was vice chancellor of Quebec. Don't tell me he drove a Pinto. Vice Chancellor, Kremlin, whatever he want to call. Whatever he was. Yeah.

He was the king of Canada. Your dad didn't have a Pinto. You want to hear something funny? Yes. So my dad, he was a successful lawyer and he was a successful politician. I know. And his law firm said to him, it wasn't even the government. The government sent a car to our house every day with a driver.

Mm-hmm. But to take him down to the parliament buildings. So it was really weird. Like we lived in this suburban area and this big black. And back then, those were sort of an anomaly. Like this black limo would be out in our driveway in the morning. we'd all be looking at my dad, all the neighbors must have thought it was weird. But his law firm said, John, you can get whatever car you want.

And I'm not kidding, my Brocefayosh, he got a pinto. Really? Every time. And here's the other kicker. Why would he get a pinto? This is before custom plates were legal, at least in Canada, right? So every plate in Canada was just a collection of numbers and letters. The only custom plates allowed were members of parliament.

So my dad's custom plate. I love that band. Yeah. Oh, they're good. Keep going. But my dad's plate said MPP, member of provincial parliament. They were the only custom place. So everyone knew his status.

I'm down. And he slapped it on the pinto. And as a kid, even me, who wasn't into money or, well, I guess I had an inkling of it. I said, dad, why do you have a pinto? He said, oh, I could get any car I want. He goes, I like them. I don't want to waste money. I, your dad would be happy to know that I'm down with MPP.

Oh, he knows me. Yeah. Oh, dude, I'm going to tell him. Tell him. You know what else he does when he, when he fills his car to this day, you're going to laugh. He fills it and then he stops. He shakes it and then starts filling. And I go, why are you shaking the car?

He goes, because it pushes the air out and I get more gas. Hmm. This is a member of government. Yeah. When you fill your tank, the fluid pushes the air out. You're not going to get more by shaking your vehicle. Displaces it, yeah. Plus, you're an 80-year-old man.

Do you really want to be shaking a pinto in the middle of a Canadian winter at a shell station? You know, but it's like a dog walks in a circle before it lays down on the carpet. A three-legged dog will. It's just built in. Yeah, why do they do that? to get the grass flattened out, like on the Serengeti. I don't know that there were wiener dogs on the Serengeti or Chihuahawas. You might.

Probably not a lot of doxins. Yeah, you didn't go out hunting for lions and have to cross through a herd of corgis. Hmm. You may be right, but I'm saying it is built in to them and their DNA from their ancestry. Yeah, I don't think you go Bengal tiger hunting in the Himalayans and have to wait for a herd of Dalmatian. formations to clear the trail. You may be right.

I may be right. But I'll bet your great, great grandfather. Tom? Yeah. I'll bet you if we had cameras back then when he was feeding his Pinto horse, we'd see footage of him pushing back and forth. The Pinto with an MPP license plate on its ass? Yes.

I'll bet they're into. To we went back 170 years and the Williams family, you would see that. It's probably just passed on generationally. Wait, shaking the thing? The horse, yeah. You'd be shaking the horse to get the air out. You know, like I said, the dog walking in the circle on the carpet doesn't make sense, but yet they do it.

Okay, so it doesn't make sense. Let's just throw it away. But let me come back to the analytical cerebral Adam Carolla. Thank you. Why does a dog do this in your estimation? Why the ritual? Why the circling? Take the grass down.

I'm saying in the living room, though, have you got grass in your living room? And if so, let's go smoke it. No, I'm using this as an example of something that's built into the DNA. Yeah, but don't forget, DNA built in does not come from a dog or a creature that was manufactured in the 1940s by splicing a bulldog and a Rottweiler together. They didn't exist in nature. They're all derived.

They're all derived from. From the wolf. From the wolf and the wild dog and all that. So it's all in them. It's all somehow imprinted on them. Okay. I'm going to give you that. Mm-hmm.

So you're saying they twirl around on the shag carpet to mat it down in essence to make their sleeping arrangements more comfortable? That's how they would have done it. Their ancestors would have done it out in the Serengeti. That's what I'm saying. Okay. So let's take a, by the way, there's no wolves in the Serengeti.

They're a North American. Well, there are animals on the other side of the pond wolves. But I don't think they were ever native to Africa. Yeah, well, they have a hyena what maybe was related to something at some point. Because I don't think you'd see like a male lion in a living room in Brentwood swirling around on a carpet and then plopping down. Well, we don't know that for certain. We don't know that for certain.

I don't know a lot of anything, really. and I don't know if you want to verify that or back me up on that. Practitude is oftentimes destructive. Right. And what men are attracted to do is less often, but still can be destructive. And you make decisions for the wrong reasons. Is that why you see so many beautiful women with sort of toxic guys? Yeah, and by the way, if you're a guy and you just love a big rack,

then you might marry a woman with a big rack, but that doesn't mean she's going to make a good husband. Have you ever done a skid mark? and if so, what's the biggest? And were you ever caught? Was I ever caught doing a skid mark? Were you ever caught someone saw it? Just the fact I can see the wheels turning in your eyes. I know you did one.

But did every, you're in the locker room, a gym, and all the kids are like, Skidmark, did anyone catch it? Did your mom see it in the laundry? I just want to know about your skidmark guy. Well, I will say this. This is a podcast. Underpants were white.

for my entire life. And then like seven years ago, they decided to make them navy blue and black and like other non-skid enhancing colors. And I don't know who this genius was, but I am interested in the fact that we had, for instance, we had trash cans around for a thousand years.

Yeah, the aluminum ones, the metal ones. Yeah. There were like, they were like bonderized steel and you just drag them. Oh, bondorized. Yeah.

You can hear that sound of them being dragged out. That was part of my job is dragging those out. And then in a certain point, my stepdad made a weird little stupid cart with like a rope on it and you put it on the cart. Yeah. That remained for a hundred years. And then at some point somebody went, what if we put a wheel on it? You know, the wheel was invented 2,000 years ago. The trash can is 2,000 years old.

But no one made the peanut butter cup. Yeah. And don't put a guy. What about luggage? Remember your Samsonite, huge heavy thing? Your poor mom would be dragging through the airport. Now people put a wheel on it because we had luggage around for a long time and we had wheels around. And I feel that why did it take so long?

And I feel the same way about navy blue underpants. Yeah. What was to hold up? To hide the skid. We had the white ones for how long. Yeah. Almost begging you to do a skid. Yes.

But the black ones, the blue ones, You could do a skid and still wear him for a few days. I just shit myself. When? Just now. I thought that was a earthquake. That was me. Wow.

Ask me if I care. God, do you care? No, I'm wearing Navy underpants. Wow, Captain Skid at table four. That's right. I, I like this theory about the wheel. You're absolutely right. And now the wheels, no pun intended, or turning.

Why don't we slap wheels on it? Like, who wants to walk their dog anymore? Slap some wheels on it. it push it down the street i agree it took us a million years to get it to luggage yeah it took us a long time to get it to garbage cans yeah and now we need to start adding it to everything oh man yeah how about caskets what's with the pallbear yeah you know how much damage you can do to your trapezoids yeah some old man and mahogany coughing up on your shoulder and what if they're a fatty you can that's what i'm saying whoa some of these people americans nowadays tap

out of like three four five hundred six hundred pounds every four seasons some interior lineman for the chiefs or the or the eagles buys it in a car rack that guy's three 25 his team has to be the pallbearers they're up there risking injury shoulder separation yeah neck injuries oh you can squish your vertebrae for god's sake put that casket on wheels yeah yeah what the hell isn't Now I want to put wheels on my wheels. Smart. Wait a minute. Some of the trucks you see have two sets of wheels on the rear wheels.

So there's four wheels and so somebody's already done it. On trucks? Yeah. Yeah. Well, they have even a Mercedes G-wagon and stuff. There's people that do those kind of modifications. But there's no one's wheeled up a casket. Yeah, I like that.

By the way, where does the term Paul Bearer come from? Was there a guy named Paul? You know, these names always have some kind of origin story. Yeah. Like, was there a guy named Paul bearing witness to a funeral? Mm. And no one would help lift the casket. So Paul went up and did it.

And, like, is, do we know the origin of Paul Bearer? Well, I don't know. They love peas, like a funeral pyre. Yeah. Shouldn't they just say funeral fire? Yeah. But is a pyre a fire? I think it is.

A funeral pyre is like a ceremonial fire where if you can't afford the crematorium, you just burn your family members in the backyard. They love peas. They love peas, yeah. Perverts. Mm-hmm. You ever go to a funeral and you look over

and someone's fondling the corpse? Like it's an open casket thing. Wow. Yeah. If I ever see a mirror. Oh, yeah. You've done it? Oh, yeah.

You've dittled a corpse? Hey, first off, I'm an atheist. Okay. Secondly, you don't know how good that person was while they're on the planet. They could have died, owned their business partner, some money. Yeah. Maybe ripped off the IRS. And humans, you got to figure, when you cut a head off a chicken, it still runs around for 10 minutes.

You got to figure humans, when they die, got a little feeling left. So maybe you were doing them a favor. Yeah, that's the way I look at it. Final P pleasure. Mm. Good for you, Perry. Your MPP dad would like that. Oh, you know me.

You know me. MPP. Going back to animals, though, guy, because you got the wheels turning on animals. Thank you. Have you seen these freaking videos like on TikTok and Instagram where people are pampering all manner of animals? animals. It used to just be dogs and cats. Oh, does, does Banjo love the meat stick? Oh, does

kitty love the ball of yarn? I'm seeing videos now where people are talking like this to rhinoceroses, giraffes, lions. It's driving me nuts. It's almost like indignant. It's almost like insulting to these mighty wild beasts. And of course, they're corralled at a zoo or some kind of animal sanctuary, but they're talking to them like their third graders going off to Sunday. school and even if they are actually three in animal years they may be in their mid 30 so it's really demeaning yeah you know what I mean yeah like if you could translate their thoughts to words like hey stop treat me like a kid asshole well you know what I was thinking about the other day huh oh no here we go animals like dogs or cats or whatever can become fertile and and have offspring it like

I don't know, one year old. Yeah, that's true. They look really young. They can get going early. And I was thinking about it. They're going like, well, can't or dogs are capable of having a litter at one year old. And then I was thinking, well, now you're having sex with a one year old. Then I thought about it.

Yeah, I didn't like that. But I thought, but animal, it's really like having for dog sex with a seven year old, which is still bad. That's still off. It's still off. It's still off. It's like Roman, the Roman Polanski breed or whatever. Oh, let me give you this Roman Polanski theory. Okay, I love theories.

Okay, there's always been the joke that France hates us, right? Yeah, is it a joke? No, I'm not because I'm bringing receipts. Yeah. Okay. Okay. They don't like us. Now, the reason they don't like us, let me give you a psychodynamic thing.

Oh, another big word I don't know. Let's just say. Is that two words or one? I think it's two. Psychodynamic? No, maybe it's one. I'm not a good. I wouldn't know.

Okay. I wouldn't know. I don't know anything over six, six letters. All right. You, you're at a family reunion. Okay. And ever,

the nicest people to you at that family reunion will people, you probably didn't do anything for. But the cousin, you had to bail out of jail and he had to pay his mortgage for a couple. That guy's a dick. Yeah. Because you shamed him because you bailed him out. Okay.

He had to help him out. So you didn't help him. You shamed him. Well, you helped him. but by helping him, you shamed him and he's angry at you. And everybody out there thinking where you kind of go, look, I got friends, people,

and the people I've not helped, I get along with great. And then there's people I've done the most for that hate me and they're dickheads. And that's a common thing, right? It's weird, isn't it? It's weird because you go, hey, fucker, I fucking got you that job. Why are you pissed at me? I've had that happen.

Everyone's had it happen. Does it make you hesitant to help people? people now? No, but just you do have to realize you're never going to get paid back. You're never going to get, there'll be no satisfaction and kiss that money goodbye. And oftentimes, it won't, it won't be reciprocal and it'll be the opposite. They will actually, the people, I don't want to say I've done nothing for, but just people I've had good relationships with are by far the best, the nicest and the most generous and the people have helped the most are, are the worst throughout my life all of them or just a high percentage of them there's got to be a few that are great for i would

say the people that like me the least are the ones i've done the most for why is that i've i because you shame them yeah by helping them all right now let me circle back let me circle back please circle back france who we liberated during world war two by 1955 france hated us more than german in Japan. We dropped an atomic bomb times two in Japan. And let's just say by 1975, Japan was completely cool with us. German was good.

We're buying VWs and Porsche's. Yeah. And France hate us more. So here's my theory. You ready? Okay. Roman Polanski goes over there in like 1973. Right.

And we're like, we think this guy raped a teenager in a hot tub. Can we have them back? and France was like go pound sand now they didn't love roman polanski right and they're not huge fans of statutory rape all they knew is they hated us because they were ashamed that we saved them during world war two and then later on what entertainer what comedic entertainer did they fall in love with oh boy um what comedic entertainer american yes jerry lewis that's right Why? Because they love the comedy stylings of Jerry Lewis,

or they know we make fun of Jerry Lewis where we're from. They didn't like Jerry Lewis because they liked Jerry Lewis. They liked Jerry Lewis because they knew it would piss us off. Same thing with Germany and Hasselhoff. They knew that would anger us to worship Hasselhoff. They don't like Hasselhoff. Can I give you a theory that might dash your whole theory about the French resenting us and not liking us.

Mrs. or Mr. Excuse you? Dash. Door Dash. What do we? Mrs. Dash. Popular seasoning. Wait.

You don't get a food reference. No, I don't. I only eat kids food. I only eat kids food. Mrs. Dash, it was on the commercials and stuff. Oh, yeah.

I tried. That's okay. I try with you. No, it's all right. But I think I might have a way to dash to dash your theory about Polanski and France okay but I'm only going to give you 40 yards to try okay so as much as you might think they hated us and the whole Polanski thing

France did send us a 400 foot tall statue of Roman Polanski which now stands in the harbor in New York if you take that crown of thorns off Lady Liberty as Polanski. I know that, but I would argue that was before we saved them from World War II. So before we saved them from World War II, they were giving us beautiful bronze gifts. Yeah. Then we save them and they turn into douchebags. Explain that, if not my shame theory.

Yeah. I'm still thinking what you said about a litter of cats or a litter of puppies. I'm like, how do you come out of your parents? you're sitting there cute as can be and you're called litter. Like, well, that's like, that's like if you were born, you're like, look at the garbage, honey. But there's a lot of that. Yeah. You know, there's having your wages garnished.

Oh, with Mrs. Dash. It sounds like you get a wedge of orange next year. Yeah, yeah. That's not like the IRS is taking money. Why is there parsley on this? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

But I didn't mean to divert away from your france. I just, the litter thing got stuck. no i get it but does it bother you that we pamper these wild animals hold on i never thought about this my entire life here we go finally kitty litter where's litter come from garbage kitty litter where's it a litter come from garbage kitty litter Kitty litter Where does it come from And why is it a litter

And then the thing they poop into Called Hi, I'm Danny Lopiori Ever get the feeling you're being watched online It's not paranoia It's data brokers These companies collect your personal information Including your browsing habits

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Litter. It's like they're pooping on their own souls. Yeah. Kitty litter. What's litter? No one ever says like, oh, I'm redoing my driveway with decomposed granite, so I got the litter guy dropping off. Yeah.

It doesn't mean it. It's not used in anything else, is it? And it's so gross and plain and drab. They should have kitty glitter. Kitty glitter. Because cats love fanfare. So they go in the kitty glitter box. They take a dump, and all of a sudden it's like a Barry Mano.

They throw the glitter and they kick the glitter. It's like, Copa, Copacabana, I shit on the floor, you know. Yeah, and you'd be like, Gary, get back here. It's time for breakfast. Yeah. Come on in the kitchen. We should start that kitty glitter. Kitty glitter.

It's like shit, but have fun. Yeah, cats love pomp and circumstance. I mean, I've said it, it's been said many times. I don't know that. How many letters was that? A pomp and circumstance. Pop and circumstance. Is that one word?

I don't know. See what I mean? This is what you do. Kitty glitter would sell. You know how many gays and lesbians own cats? And you know how many gay and lesbian cats there are? It's overwhelming. They would love it.

It'd be like you go take a dump and it's Pride Day. Every day's Pride Day. Just you're taking a kitty loaf and the glitter's going off. We lay it out in the colors of the gay flag. Right? Right. Well, isn't that all already there with glitter? Isn't glitter always all the cut?

colors? Mm, you're right. Oh, dude. He's a money maker. The money, you're blowing my mind right now. Mine's preblown. Hey, everybody, check out my merchandise at Harbling.com. Yeah, most people just slap some letters or images on a T-shirt or a hoodie, but not me.

Yours truly. Guess what? I draw my own designs at Harbleng.com. You can see tons of my hand-drawn t-shirts. You can either buy the original or you can buy a print. And man, oh, man, wear them loud and proud. I love making these designs for you guys and keeping it personal. So check out the whole catalog.

We got hoodies. We got coffee mugs. We got t-shirts. You name it. It's there at harbleng.com. Get your Harland original. original design, wearable art

at harbling.com today. And thank you for your support and I'll just keep the, the groovy images coming. Can I, we talk about something

that people don't really know about you necessarily that I know because I'm close to you. Uh-huh. You know, people know you as this broadcaster, this intellect,

this guy. I don't know. They know me as an intellect. Oh, where I, when I talk to my friends down at the bus station, that's, that word gets tossed around a lot. Dutably. Okay. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

And doobily, it does. Um, but people don't know about the corollic. By the way, ladies and gentlemen, you're on the, I forgot to do the intro. I get so fired up with you. Yeah, me too. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Halle-Haway podcast with my very special, special. friend, Adam Carolla is here, a podcaster, stand-up comedian, filmmaker, actor, producer, boxer. And here's the one I want to drop on them that a lot of people don't know, AC.

This guy's like a contractor. This guy's a builder. You know your way around lumber. You know your way around building. Like you're a guy who can actually build stuff. Yeah, I was doing it earlier today. or supervising some guys what were you what were they building um i have a storage area above my warehouse and i had a bunch of um web joyce which you don't know what they are but it's like

engineered lumber left i just thought they were just happy spiders no joists oh joe i s t choice joyce see folks what did i tell you i didn't think that was coming out of your face your mouth today. Well, your roof has a rafter and underneath that is a joist. What does the joist look like? A joist would could be a ceiling joist. It could be a floor joist. But physically what describe the shake because these people don't know. Look at them. We've got don't, uh, diarrhea lips down in Texas. We got berry, uh, well a joist bar stool tits. A joist could be a two by four on its edge or it could be a two by six on its edge or could be a web joyce or it could be anything it could it be on three's company for example do wit joy that's why you have the do wit my friend oh see you took my joyce gag and turned it

into the wit gag and that's why we should be married even though we like an uncondentile like a un whatever marriage we're talking about earlier prearranged prearrange why don't we do it we can get a glitter box and go nuts imagine me and you on our honeymoon in Bermuda squatting in a glitter box together just getting to know each other for the first time getting to know all about you Harlan okay keep going so a Joyce well okay let me try to explain yeah because this is this is a foreign territory to me and my 12 viewers you are up here and you're on a slab yeah versus a raised foundation now a raised foundations where they pour footing all the way around.

Yeah. Maybe a grade beam down the middle and we put floor joists down. Once we put the floor joists down, then we'd go ahead and skin it with a sub flooring, which would be a plywood,

maybe a CDX. Get a load of the floorplay happening over here. They also have a sturdy floor, which could be an OSB-type material oriented strand board. Minch in a quarter thick with a tongue and groove. You put that down.

Oh, wow. man yeah with subfloor adhesive so if you're going to go ahead and put your subfloor on you don't want all the creaking and creak creak creak we'd walk around so you put a bead of subfloor he's on top of the floor choice okay then up from there we would frame we'd have a bottom plate double top plate we'd use treated lumber on the bottom plate if we were on a slab but now we're on a raised foundation so we actually put it on there and there would be a perimeter choice and blocking going around it we'd go up and you'd have headers where your window openings were. Dude, depending on how I had to span it. You had me at Ray's slab. Ray's foundation and or a slab. Both would have a footing, by the way.

And then we'd go up and next to your window opening, you might have a four by four, four by six. There's more. And you'd have king studs and you'd have tremors underneath the headers. And if you're doing a window, that would go down to a sill. And underneath the sill, the small studs that call cripples. Wow, you always got to make room for the handicap.

That's right. That's right. Then above, you would have ceiling joist, and that's where your ceiling would go to. And then above that, you'd have roof rafters, and you'd have a ridge rafter running down the very highest point of the roof. Hips and vows. When does this end? Because I just want to get to a motel six. I'm in love.

Use half inch CDX or OSB for shear wall on nailing schedule would be probably 12 in the field and six on the seam and we'd probably use 10 penny ring shank nails, Harlan. And then all the joist hangers and hold downs. You don't have a cigarette, do you? Does anyone have a cigarette? That was, I'm spent. I can keep going. I don't have anything left. Nothing left.

You got me. Mm-hmm. I'm in love home improvement. On the outside, we do stucco. We do a scratch coat. Oh, there's more. We'd start off with K-Lath. Oh, God.

We'd probably wrap it with a Tyve-Vac. I'm too old for a round two. Then we'd use K-Lath. Then we'd use a scratch coat, a brown coat, and a color coat. Just stop. And around the windows, obviously, we'd have stucco molding and we'd just meet that. I'm exhausted I've heard about people like you

I can do the interior I never thought in my life I would have a session like this but it's powerful wow yeah wow now up in the attic we could either put radiant barrier or we could roll in some like R16 or R19 bat stuff or we could blow in some blown cellulose for for um for uh insurance not for insurance i think it for uh so after all after all that you're

going to blow me in the attic yes i'm going to blow you in the attic yeah insulation i'm saying insurance i mean for insulation insulation insulation do you use the the spray stuff or the pink fiberglass stuff that looks like cotton candy and when you eat it you get cancer the pink fiber glass stuff is called bats of insulation oh and the blow-in expandive stuff is like expanding urethane, and then there's blown cellulose, which is just old newspapers. You literally just fill it up. Yeah, what's best, though?

Well, the expanding stuff is the best. The foam? Yeah, but it's expensive. And, you know, it's more expensive and it's harder to kind of manage, you know, because it just keeps expanding. But I would do the expanding foam if I was doing new construction on exterior walls. After that deliberation, I got some expanding foam. Mm-hmm.

Wow. Yeah, but blown cellulose is fine, too. Can I do something because the average Joe doesn't know a lot of this stuff? Thank you for sharing. Thank you for enlightening us. Enlightening us, yeah. When I said it, I pictured lightning going on. Yeah, yeah.

I said it wrong, didn't I? It was, there was a hiccup in there, but I knew what you were talking about. I should have said enlightening us, and I said enlightening us. Like as if I was, see, I don't know what, enlightening over six letters. You've done a Disney film, right? Yeah, I watched one. You know who Gus was? Who?

He was the mule that kicked field goals. Oh, that's an oldie. I know. That's like right around the era of the computer that wore tennis shoes. That's right. Like Herbie the Love Buck. The goose that laid golden eggs. Oh, God.

Speaking of gold, I want to. The Shaggy D.A. Oh, Shaggy. Aggie DA, yeah. Look at this. Now, a lot of guys don't have this, but I know you know your way around tools. I wondered if I could go through my toolbox with you

and anything that's a mystery to some of my watchers, you could explain the function of some of the tools. This is a common one. Yeah. Please explain. Well, they call these vice scripts. Yeah. But vice script is a brand name.

Oh. Like you might call your, you might call Kleenex, but it's really face tissue or tissue. Right. Yeah. Kleenex is a branded brand, a name. Right. So these people call these vice grips like they would call Q-tips, a cotton swab, but it may not be a Q-tip brand. Right. So these are called adjustable pliers.

These are, that's the genet. name. Oh. And vice grip is the brand name. And these aren't vice grip brand. What are they? Some generic, whatever Chinese knockoff crap. Uh-oh.

But these are not vice grips. These are adjustable pliers. Okay. Because they do not have the name vice grip brand on them. I got these. My tool kit. Right teeth got my dad's teeth. Well, in case you're like working at someone's house.

and, you know, they're trying to wrangle you say, you act like a dumb ass. Mm-hmm. And you're kind of like, yes, ma'am. Oh, wow. We're going to have to do that job all right to hair. Yeah, it's working joist. Right.

And we're going to take that joyst, and we're going to running up the side of the eye beam there, ma'am. No, you're going to. There's no eye beams in residential construction. What I meant to say, ma'am, is we're going to blow some asbestos up into that attic there. we're going to put the air duct blown celluloid into your cellulite. We're going to fill your cellulite full of joyous juice. And what we're going to do, we're going to plug in the G back into the HVAC,

into the HVAC, to the I, to the O, to the E back. And then what we're going to do is we're going to lay a slab down now, real nice and flattened and bumpy now. And we're going to put some eye joints up there. And we're going to, we're going to do some. from Phillips screwdriver heads right there on the side of your semen of container. Oh, no. Okay.

Wow. That's going to be hard. See, this is what you're doing. Then they think you're stupid. Yep. And then you charge them more. What else do I got in here? Oh, I think, tell me if you got this in your toolbox.

Mm, gravy. Beef gravy? Beef gravy. Yeah, value size. Do you use that at all for, like, lube or anything? I'll do every once in a while if I don't sufficiently lay down a skid mark. I'll use a little extra help with the beef gravy because take the beef gravy, put it on the white haines.

Nobody asks any questions. I know you've been to Skid City. So you're talking about literally duping people. You'll glaze the inside of your fruit of the looms, the white ones. Yeah. With this beef gravy from your toolkit. Glazer is what they call guys who do the window repair as well. Those guys are called glazers.

But no, what I'll do... You don't have to tell me what a glazer is, sir. I know what a glazer is. That's like when you get a brush, you put it in a plum shop, and you glaze yourself a Thanksgiving ham now. What I will do is if I'm doing the ass crack move, you know, under the sink, I'll like to show a little white haines up there, and I'll use the beef gravy to put.

put a little skid mark on there to really make them think i'm working i like the skid mark that smell like a turkey meatloaf that's well they usually don't get that close but yeah dinner's ready um what's on the table tonight belma press skid mark that's what i pull another tool out yeah uh all these are do you have these in your toolbox uh those are tampons well yeah Yeah. In case of an emergency. And then sometimes if you're with a house, I've always keep an Elvis in my...

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Got to have an Elvis. Because when they start bitching and moaning, you just do this, right? You put the teeth back in.

Back in. And you're like, to rate me like a fool. Keep me warm and cool. Warm. But pay me. Mean and cruel. Warm and cool.

What is it? Treat me like a fool. Treat me mean and mean and cruel. Why would you want to be treated mean and cruel? Well, you're being treated like a fool. Right. Being treated mean and cruel. You're not warm and cool.

How can you be treated warm and cool? I was talking about a skid mark. Treat me like a clown. Treat me up and down. See, it doesn't make sense. If you're a clown, it does. can't be treated warm and cool well that's all right mama that's all right for you wait did i say it bro you don't know any i don't know any of it and then oh wait what are these

ones i actually have these in my toolbox but what the hell talk to me what am i a dentist suddenly yeah these are weird little tools that i never used on a construction site because they're like for making holes in leather and picking things and grout out, that kind of stuff. They're too finite for a guy like you. You're like more of a big industrial power tool guy. Like you don't get into the little nooks and crannies. You don't do detail work is what I feel. It feels like you don't do no detail work now,

but I like to get right up in there and get it all cleaned out and pick it clean, just pick it. I used to do a lot of finish work. and I did do, like, pretty detailed finish work. Oh. But there was never any use for this right angle pick. What about your teeth? And that would be good for like, you know, at lunch,

which sucked when I worked construction. Could you hold them up at least so the folks can see? Here's your camera. You're holding them down. Oh, sorry. If this was tool time, you'd be fired. I would. And then a lot of people assume that, you know,

contractors, labor people. aren't intelligent that's true but i'm about to show you this guy who you heard he knows his way around construction i keep this in there just so when you're on a job you can demonstrate to your client that you're intelligent do it i don't know how to do a root you i've never done that she's just saying that group excuse but oh so this is hold it up to the crowd this this this is this is a two-inch coarse thread bugle-headed

zinc drywall screw. Oh, my. See, the thread is coarse. It's not fine. I think I might need my teeth for this. The head has a bugle in it.

It's bugle shaped. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. So this is a flathead. Oh, God. Bugle flathead. Bugle fettered flat head. This.

Good. She's a verbal purple-headed flat fish. This is a pan head with a square drive. Okay. Mm-hmm. What's this one in my hand then? It's a coarse thread, bugle-headed drywall screw, zinc drywall screw.

That's why it's not black. Ten times stronger than the blackboard. I just thought it was a screw for Christ's sake. Well, it's that as well. But are you just... Well, then fuck you. How about that, buddy? Coming in here with all your fucking devri.

Institute of Technology degrees trying to tell me, well, what's this? A screwdriver, a zinc-plated, corroborated, 9-inch, 500-pound. Oh, Arlin. You got a 4-1 in there. Oh, this one? No, the one with the orange handle. Uh-oh. Did you know you owned a 4-1?

A 4-1 what? Screwdriver. You got a large flathead. Oh, yeah. Take it out. large Phillips head. That's a lot of head. Then you have a small Phillips head.

And then you have a small flat head. Last time I had that much head I was fishing down by the river and hooked into a 40-pound blue guill catfish and turned around there with Mary Ellen on the bank standing there in her cut off shorts. Well, next thing you know, the moon came up and I was get, go ahead. This is known as a four-and-one screwdriver. Oh, talk to me. You got four screwdrivers here and one.

whoever bought you this knew what they were doing what it wasn't you well well thank you can share and you have a utility knife oh shit oh Jesus great

you're such an idiot you got a utility knife some called a drywall knife yeah look at this I call this OJ's little buddy oh no that's for like that's for like utility stuff that's just for doing like vinyl and stuff i'm talking about that other i'm talking about the razor oh the hammer wait this oh this yeah it's not an exact it's a cheap oh it's a cheap oh it's barely utility night yeah you want to change the blade take that

screw out and there'll be extra blades theoretically inside of this thing you want to hear something else that i almost don't want to say you said you want to change the blade see if you get that you want to change the world. Where am I going with that statement? I have no idea. 9-11. Oh. Oh.

It was this little object. They changed the world. They call the box cutter, but I would call the utility knife. This little thing changed the world. That's right. This little piece of metal, literally this is what they took over the planes with. I know. I know.

Isn't that amazing? It's amazing. With all the weaponry, all the, this. simple object changed the course of human history. I know. This. I know. It's the reason we stand in a 45-minute line at every airport in America now.

I think I just want to, because here's you, I'm like, this is a screw, and you're like, oh, this is a zinc-plated copper, lithium, lithium, Newman's own screw. It's a coarse thread, bugle head, drywall, zinc drywall, square. Yeah, big, fancy words, okay, it's still a screw, but then I pull this out and you go box-cut and I go, no, this changed the course of human history. Yeah, I said utility blade, but okay, that's true. It's powerful. You made a powerful statement.

It's a powerful statement. Torit me like a fool. Treat me warm and cool. Did I do it wrong again? Yes. You do, you pick the Elvis song. Okay. You ain't nothing but a bastard hound.

Crying all the time. with you. You ain't nothing but a bastard hound. Crying on the floor. Well, your ass looks like literally ain't no friend of mine. Wow. Yeah. How's it feel when I screw up the Elvis words,

Harley? You know, it hurts. It hurts. Mean and crude. Yeah. Now I see what I did to you. Do you see how I felt? Yeah, I want to apologize.

And Elvis wants to apologize. I'm so very sore. I'm so very sore. All right, let me put this down. See, I knew that would be a fascinating journey. It was a journey. You know, see, and this is a side of Adam Carole. You never get to see only on the Harlan Highway podcast.

I think you could do this show for a thousand years and have a thousand comics in here and have one tell you the difference between vice grips and adjustable pliers or the difference between what a coarse thread bugle-headed zinc drywall screw looks like. I just thought of something. Where's my teeth? Where did I spit my teeth?

Do you think Pat and Oswald could tell you that? Pat and Oswald could not. Theo Vaughn could not. He could go suck a ripe potato salad out of a Ralph's deli counter. Joe Rogan could scrape the barnacles off a baleen whale and chew them up like granola. Yeah. Where's my teeth? Oh, please.

That bit was done before it started. No, is, are they over there on that side? You spit them on the other side of the dog. Can you get them for me? I want to do one more thing. Please, please get my gopher teeth. Sorry, you threw the drywall screw on this side. You're going to step on it later on tonight when you're drunk and you come in here to masturbate.

Ew. But I don't know where your teeth went. Oh, there they are. I got to do one last thing because this is. You inspired it Because you're so good with tools Let's move the gravy Now

Excuse me, Mr. Carolla. Yeah I hear you pretty handy With the Bioscript, sir I have a bit of a loose tooth If you wouldn't mind pulling it out for me, sir No, no, it hurts my teeth If you, in mind just clamping on and ripping one of my teeth out for me, sir.

I hear you're really handy with them now. I'll tell you what I'll do. Look, just pinching on and pull it out. Listen, I'll do a three stooges move. I'll tie a string to it. I'll tie it to the doorknob and we'll slam the door. Well, then screw you. I'm going to do it myself, damn you.

I'm not watching. Wait, I'm going to tighten it up now. I'm not looking. I know how to work, Tim. I know how to do something. know something oh i'm not watching what's the matter with you i don't like it it hurts here we go oh here we go what do you have nine-year-olds watching this show nobody i don't know those these teeth just keep flying does that really bother you it does really so you didn't want to do it no but they're not

real teeth guy yeah but it freaks you out yes it's like when i watch a movie of someone getting a needle i can't look i don't like it wow i don't like it after all that high and mighty mr construction i could build a stairway to heaven mr homemaker here comes around and he can't take a little dentistry yeah i think that that would be an accurate statement i think so too yeah we saw it act out but i don't feel like One would affect the other. I still think I could effectively build your home. I don't know if I want someone telling me they can build my dream house, but they can't extract my wisdom tooth.

Not, no, that's not the kind of handyman I want. I think exactly the kind of guy you'd be looking for. It is? Mm-hmm. Why? Because I was doing some work over at Joyce DeWitt's house. Yeah. She the last one alive?

Yeah. But you know what's great? Can I make an assumption here? Mm-hmm. When you went to her house and you were just about to press her doorbell, I bet on the other side of the door you heard her singing, Come and knock on my door, I've been waiting for you. And the others are cool and warm and cool three's company too.

The other two are dead. So one's company two. Oh. Yeah, the other two are dead. That's not by me. No. I'm just being honest. Well, we're not done with the investigation,

but we assume you'll be cleared. Was one of them murdered? Was Suzanne Summers murdered? No, she just died like 10 minutes ago. I was friends with her. Do you, you were friends, she wasn't doing like the thigh master and it blew up and killed her. No. No.

You were friends with Suzanne Summers. I was. a whole podcast you're talking about all this bullshit building joystick slabs and you knew suzanne summers yeah uh divert much how did you know suzanne summers my guy you know something happened along the way where she'd come on my show a time or two and i think her and alan hamill her husband are conservative. They were very politically conservative. Okay.

And they thought I was politically conservative. I'm not really politically conservative. I'm just sort of old school in, I'm not down with all the new bullshit. Oh, okay. But I'm not religious or anything, and I don't own guns. So I'm not really old school conservative.

But somehow they liked me, and then they invited me to their home in Palm Springs. Oh, they had a beautiful home. they do and Alan still does and I've been to his home after she passed for parties over there and when he came to Malibu like three weeks ago and we had dinner together and we'd had dinner with Suzanne and him you know couples night out and stuff and so we we regularly corresponded and had dinners very nice lovely long dinners together so I'm guessing you were at the funeral no I was out of town I had a I had like a week

weekend somewhere, some, whatever. Do anything to not be a pallbearer? I went, I went to the sort of post-party, you know, the one that was several weeks later at his home with all the people. Well, you know, a gathering and dinner in honor Suzanne Summers, you know. Now, was she quite as esoteric as she came across? Like, obviously she was, she portrayed a ditsy blonde as an actress, but there was another very deep side to her where she wrote,

volumes and volumes of poetry. Listen, I sat in Lucky's Steakhouse in Malibu about three weeks ago with Alan Hamill, and he explained that she wrote 26 books, I believe. That's what I'm saying. And that she had like Vegas entertainer of the year award many, many times. Yeah. Was a singer, was a dancer, put on all these musical reviews. had these inventions like i mean she was sort of a life coach like a like a speaker on a motivational

coach yeah there was just nothing i mean we will not see the likes of suzanne summer for a while dramatically different than my mom chris corolla that's what i'll say isn't chris your dad no my dad is jim carola so you have two dads no chris can also be a female name not in today's market Well, I don't, I think you have two dads. I do not want to shame you on your own show, but Suzanne Summers' character's name was Chrissy. Chris. Chris.

Wow, you didn't think it'd happen that fast, did you? I'm going to take my real teeth out. No, no, don't even play. Oh, don't play. Uh, buddy, let's do our final segment. This, you know, we do this every time. It's called Words from a Wooden Shoe. Mm-hmm.

We reach into the shoe. You pull a word and see if it leads to a story or something that happened on your wonderful journey in life. Mm-hmm. And it could be something you experienced or a friend or Suzanne Summers or who knows who. Mm-hmm. Dog bite. Oh, isn't that interesting? I've never been bitten by a dog.

Never. I never owned a dog as a... as a child as a youth i always very badly wanted a dog and used to beg my dad for a dog my mom for dog but they never they never got a dog what kind of dog my dream was to get a german shepherd i love the german shepherd and i never got a dog even though we lived in single family residents we we didn't live an apartment ideal place for a dog they had a yard with a fence never never got a dog my mom never got bit any of your friends get bit anyone in your family get bit an acquaintance there's got to be somewhere the shoe wouldn't shoe doesn't lie uh somewhere in your journey someone got bit

by a damn dog scott whitman was scott whitman scott whitman was bitten in the nose by my friend chris booms dog murphy who used to bark at everybody and scott walked in and he jumped up and literally put stitches in his nose. I eventually got my German Shepherd after I was in my 30s and living alone in the Hollywood Hills and working in show business. I finally got a German Shepherd puppy. I named it Lotzy after my grandfather, who I loved very much, who had recently died. And when the dog was nine months old, took it down to be neutered and it died.

And it died. Yeah. So that was it. Wait, oh, that's sad, that's sad, by the way. But dying dog is not the same as being bitten by a dog. If we could not make it about you and get back to Wittie. Let's get back to Whitman.

What kind of dog was it? Murphy was like a short little dog and kind of a mix and I wasn't a pure bread. And I never knew what it was. And he was kind of mean. and my mom might there wasn't any food in my house dad are we talking about chris no that's my mom chris bone was my friend we wouldn't weren't allowed to have a dog or food chris bone was your friend and chris was a male or female he was a male your mother's a guy just like chissy from three and then uh he had a dog named murphy and i remember once a while i tried

crawl in through the dog door so I could get food at his house. I was always worried about Murphy. No, I'd use the dog door to get human food. Human food, okay. Mini-weets. Oh, yeah. Oh, way to tie it all up, guys.

What'd you do with the shoe? Oh, well, you only get one pole, but if you wanted another one. I need a second poll. You do? I've never been bit by a dog. I'm honored. Yeah, let's do another one. This is a rarity.

Would we never get two poles? Well, because everyone wants to get the fuck out of here. I know. Wait, what was that last part? Hmm? Huh? Something on fire. Whoa. Oh, man.

How about a dog? This is a dog on fire? This is a story. Oh, here we go. Something on fire. Talk to me. Talk to me. Vince Vaughn used to be my neighbor.

Wait, the guy from swingers? Mm-hmm. That's money, baby. That's money. Come on, baby. What are you going to do? Like that guy? That's the guy.

Okay. And I told Vince this story, and I've never spoken to him again. Okay, well, tell it to me, so I never have to talk to you again. I was living up above Lake Hollywood in the Hollywood Hills. You lived above a lake? Above a lake. It's called hovering where I come from. A beautiful home.

Okay. And I had an old neighbor in a broken down house that used to badger me, a crazy old man. You had a badger? It's a form of bothering somebody. relentlessly. Okay. He called Department of Building Safety and said I had unsanitary living conditions and stuff.

He just was a complete nut job. All you had to do is have them come over and do the whole spiel you gave me about the drywall with the formaldehyde and that they would have left your property immediately. Yeah. Go ahead. So I hated this guy so much

and he gave me so much trouble that I said to the heavens, if this guy's house caught on fire, I would not call the fire. fire department oh no that's so much i hate this old man oh what happened one night one lucky night depends whose house you're at one lucky night i'm sitting in my den watching tv at like 11 at night and i hear like a breaking sounds like sticks breaking and crackling and stuff you know i hear fire's very loud you don't know about and it gets gone and i was like here and and and i go what

What is that sound? And I go walking into my living room and there's a big plate glass window at the end. And I look and I see flames coming up from his house. It's flames all over the place. And I'm looking at it. I go, that old son of a bitch, his house is on fire. And he's never going to bother me again.

He probably fell asleep drunk while smoking. So on top of it, he's dead? I cannot wait. I cannot wait. And I'm just staring. I'm staring at his house engulfed in flames. But remember, I have a large high, like 8, 10 foot hedge so that blocks me in his house. But I see flames, the glow.

And I sit there and I'm going, oh, my God, his house is on fire. Then the unexpected happens. Something I never thought about it. The phone rings. It's the gate. the front gate code on the phone for your house for my house and i pick up the phone and i'm staring at the fire by the way you know i've had a glass or two of wine yeah and i'm just staring at the flames and i hear this voice go call the fire department i'm just walking i'm walking my dog

the neighbor's house is on fire call the fire department and hangs up and now i'm like i took an oath to not call the fire department. But what scenario could I dream up or someone was going to call me and tell me to call the fire department? Now it's on record. Right. This person is going to stand out front there

waiting for the fire trucks and they told me to do it. And I stood there holding the phone, like staring at the phone and then looking up and staring at the flames. And I was like, I took an oath to not call the fire department. But this bitch just told,

me to call the fire department and she's there now could i get into trouble like i and i just kept looking and looking down at the phone and i heard a fire truck pull up oh and i was like good i did not have to break the fire department oh and as it turned out so lucky there was a giant dead palm tree that was in his front yard but right in front of his house and that was engulfed in flames it was neck It was in front of his house. From where I was standing, all I saw was flames. So it wasn't the house. It was a dead, huge dead palm tree right in front of his house.

Like this guy was doing his own version of burning man on his front lawn. That's right. You know that. Oh, dude. How disappointing. So the old man's house didn't burn down with him in it? No, but then when I told that story to Vince Vaughn, who was my actual neighbor. Sometimes life isn't fair.

Yeah. Vince, like, look to me and he went. you didn't call the fire department and I was like well this guy was a real asshole Vince and he's like yeah but he could have died in there and I was like he was a total douche Vince then I realized oh now Vince is my neighbor yeah I don't know if that was a good story to share with him well what I think is Vince needs to be a little more compassionate to your emotional needs. Thank you. And two, I think there's a new beyond your don't call the fire department list and his name is Vince Vaughn. He crossed you. He crossed you hard. All you wanted was an old man dead

burning alive and an inferno screaming at the top of his lungs and his depend underpants with a skid mark that he never wanted anyone to see. That's why he started the fire to begin with. It all comes back to the gravy and the underpants. I rest my case. You're so right. Adam Carolla, ladies and gentlemen, Adam, tell them where they can see you. Tell them about your podcast. Tell them all the goodies that I dare not utter because I don't want to get it wrong.

Go to Adamcoral.com. All the live standup show dates are there and the podcast there and it's free. Adam Carolla's podcast, one of the first pioneers of the whole genre. He's brought out more podcasts than I think anyone else. probably you kind of kicked this whole genre off a pioneer a brilliant man and i meant everything i said at the beginning where you are you're just a you're on another level my guy oh loving you harley yeah and if your house ever burns down i can't wait to stand on the road and watch it with you uh folks that's it for today sweet gravy thanks for being here and until next time chicken chalman baby

And do you want to say your catchphrase? Mahalo. I've never catchphrased with another grown man before. We're Eskimo buddies now. And the song ran out perfectly. Perfectly. Hey, everybody, how would you like your very own personal video message from me, yours truly? It's your birthday, it's your anniversary, it's your graduation, or you just want me to make you laugh?

You get to pick the topic. You want me to discuss. Give me some talking points, and off we go. You can get it for yourself or get it for a friend. It's super easy and fun. Just go to the Cameo app on your phone or to Cameo.com. And I record a custom video made just for you or your loved one. Your very own personalized Harland.

Well, today we're here to talk to a specialist, a military specialist, about the topic. It's a very grim topic. It's tough to talk about because it involves our youth, our children, and it's about school shooting, school shooters, the tragic kind of phenomenon that seems to only exist here in America. And my God, if there's a way to stop it, if there's a way to have a dialogue about it, if there's a way to try to find any solution to it,

whether it be a small contribution to putting an end to it or a complete way to eradicate it completely. I think we have to have open eyes and ears and minds to hear ideas and have a dialogue about it and hopefully put a complete and final stop to any future school shootings. And so to have this delicate discussion, not easy to talk about, We have brought in our military expert, Colonel, Lieutenant, Green Beret, Navy SEAL, squadron leader, wingman, Captain Tom Dowdy. He's out of Fort Pendlington in Southern California. He's still actively involved with the military. He never really tells us at what capacity.

But nonetheless, he's been in many theaters. war, a true military hero, an expert, and without further ado, I think we have them on the line. Corporal left-wing lieutenant, Sergeant Major, Tom Dowdy, are you there, sir? Go ahead. Yes, sir. How are you, sir? Sir? Sir? Sir, are you there?

Uh, go ahead, civilian. We're just doing some throat exercises. Why would you do that, sir? You never know who's resting on the line. So what you do is you make sure your throat is clear, and they can't pick up any feldomide throdehyde flammicides. What are those, sir? Not for you to know. Continue.

You are a go. Uh, yes, sir. How are you today, sir? Uh, that will remain classified information. Classified information, sir? Affirmative. Why is, how are you doing today classified? You never, ever want to let the enemy know what state of mind or what state of physical being you're in. Okay, sir.

uh well we wanted to uh discuss a very uh tender topic today your wife sir you're dirty sawdust in her hair ovary swollen freeze dried eggs in a freezer and basket robin's mid chocolate chip ice cream melted between her toes wife sir i don't have a wife carry on

sir we wanted to talk about the topic of school shooters affirmative it's a very tough topic it impacts all of us whether we have children or not as an overall society

it's harmful it's devastating it's the most violent and cruel uh action that could ever play out in a in a civilized society what are you getting at well sir i think it's obvious what i'm getting at that there has to be a way to stop it to stop these school shooters before they even get going we live in a country where our resources are sent they swallowed a bug sir our resources are being sent to the wrong places well okay that i think that might be a stimulating

talking point there sir if i wanted stimulating i'd check into the bakersfield motel six room 703 with your wife i would cover her in sunflead sour oil sunfleed sour oil sir that's code for Sunflower seed oil. Got it, sir. I would cover your wife from head to toe. Throw sawdust into her hair. Put black olives on both of her nipples. Get a Sharpie and write the word,

Fudge. Sir? Sir, are you there, sir? Inspector Dowdy? I would... Sir! I would write the word. Sir, are you there?

Lieutenant Dowdy, please. This is important. I would write the word fudge face. I just swallowed a bug. Another one, sir? I would write the word fudge face right across her abdomen. And I would write the word cesarean scar right across her forehead. Sir, what is that?

I don't even have a wife. Affirmative, carry on. Sir, you said something about channeling our resources. Think about it. When 9-11 happened, what did they do? Well, a lot of things happened, sir. Let me fast forward the tape the H.S. teeth. Sir?

They redidded. the cockpit doors of every single airplane in the American fleet. Oh, yes, they did, sir. It took a few months, but after 9-11, they rejiggered the cockpit doors so that they were impenetrable. They locked from the inside. They were reinforced. They had an eyehole in them. Exactly.

Now, why haven't we done that to the schools? What do you mean, sir? Why don't we have sliding doors? Have you ever seen an electric door on a jewelry store, on a parking garage, on the front of a commercial building? Yeah, like the gates that just slide down? Vindjo, that's what I'm talking about, from Aldehyde face. Sir, can we stop with the names? Why don't we have every door? Every classroom in a school outfitted with a sliding door that comes down in the event of a school shooting.

Well, sir, that is a very appropriate question. Why don't we? It makes me sick to my stomach. It makes me want to go behind a Denny's dumpster and puke up the Arby's that is churning. They just swallowed a bug. Sir, are you near a beehive or something? It makes me want to puke up the Arby's that is churning in my belly and splatter it all over the ground. Maybe even take a mouse that's running around in the alley or a dirty, hairy rat.

Just cover that rat with Arby's roast beef pulp that's been souping up in my belly all summer long. barfing out in chunks of pieces of the onion bun and horsy sauce. Sir, can we stop about the rat puke? What I'm saying, civilian, is that we sent hundreds of billions, not millions, billions, billions of dollars, to strange little smelly countries over the ocean. We don't know what they're doing with it.

And we could be spending that money outfitting every single school in our nation, making it safe and secure, so that when our pimple-phased, diarrhea-soaked, freak-of-nature shooter walks in that front door. Every classroom is fortified. Every classroom has a sliding steel door that comes down, and that school shooter would have had much chance of getting. getting in that classroom as he does, getting into Marie Osmond's underpants on a hot summer night at a fairground where that cotton candy is sticky, the cinnamon buns are smelly, and the fat people are eating corn on the cob like pigs on the space shuttle. Sir, that's very colorful, but can we, you know, I got to concur that's actually quite a great idea. I can't really contest. You know, why haven't we? Why haven't we outfitted the schools with

these doors? Why are we sending billions of dollars to these other countries? I think we probably could have outfitted every school in America a lot cheaper than what we send overseas. Correct, Mondo. If I was an English teacher, I'd give you an A-plus. If I was the janitor, I'd shove a broom handle so far up your ass, your eyes would spin around like the theme song from the Twilight Zone. Sir, can we, I'm trying to say that I think you might be on to something here. You bet your wife's the rainy ass I am. Now, why haven't we fortified our schools and protected our children civilian? You know, now that I think about it, yeah,

They reinforced all. It had to have cost a ton of money to do all the airplanes after 9-11. Correct, civilian. And so you got to imagine you take the average school. I mean, how much is it to put in like a sliding iron door or some kind of metal gate? You know, okay, let's say it's 400,000, even a million dollars, two million dollars of school. I mean, maybe you don't do it all overnight. but you do it incrementally until the whole country has safe schools.

At least can stem the violence and give children and teachers a chance. That's exactly what I'm talking about. Good for you. You figured it out, civilian. Why don't you sit down in a dark corner, pat yourself on the back, lick a lollipop, snap both your ankles, walk like a crab all the way down to the fun gift shop and buy yourself a pretty little sweater you bung-o-eyed fucking hard sir do you have to you always sort of come in with the colorful stop now

what what is the solution i think you've stepped on something here as to how to prevent it like once they're in the school but how do we prevent the actual shooters from getting into the schools. Excellent question. That's like asking how do we keep your wife out of the motel six on a Friday night? How do we keep it from bending over the crust-covered couch with a carrot cake in her mouth and five cans of cream-style corn in the bathroom covered with crest toothpaste? Sir, what?

Is this code stuff you're talking about? I'm talking about stuff. these school shooters, and here's how you do it. Think about it. Every school shooter was once a student or is a student themselves, correct? Yes, sir? Well, why don't we assume that they're not the smartest people in the world? Well, maybe, I guess you want to say that, but I guess I hate to say it, but there must be.

some level of intelligence for them to plan this all out and and scheme it and and execute it? Yeah, I guess you got me there. Well, good for you. Why don't we go sit under an apple tree and an orchard, pull out a game of Monopoly, and watch the little men go around the track, around and around and around just the way your wife has passed around the motel 6 like a dirty handkerchief at a snot blowing contest in Hawaii Sir, I'm not married

Can we deviate from talking about my wife, please? Whatever tickles your relish child civilian? Can we get back to how we stop the shooting? You mentioned something about they all go school. They all go to school. And so what I suggest is we go back to the schools they came from.

And this may sound severe. But we shoot those schools up as a way to send a message to the school shooters. But if you shoot up the school, we're going to shoot up the school. Sir, that, that what? You heard me, Cervillian, take the wax out of your ears, make a candle shaped like Gwyneth Paltrow's penis, light it, and let your bedroom smell like boiled mushroom cap. Sir, wait, so you're saying we, if they shoot up a school,

we find the school that they grew up in, and shoot that school up as a form of payback? Affirmative. I've learned with my many years of the military. You fight fire with fire. That's the only thing violent defenders understand. But, sir, most of the time the school shooters come from the actual school that they shoot up. Then shoot it up, light it up.

As we used to say in Vietnam, let's torch the whore. Let's torch the whore? building full of innocent children and school teachers. Oh, and maybe one other thing. What's that, sir? The school shooter is somewhere in the mix. But we don't know when and where. They're like ticking time bombs.

Exactly. So we take out the school before that whore has a chance to do what he's going to do. sir i usually you sort of make sense this one is is a little confusing and i i think it's it's counterproductive oh and when were you in the military civilian sir i've never spent time in the military then why don't you go sit on a traffic cone twirl around until your eyes fly out of your head roll down the street and buy a can of Mountain Dew at the local

fucking 7-Eleven you piece of blueberry pie sucking garden hose sniffing suck the stripes off of zebra tobacco chewing French whore Sir, I'm not a French

whore what is this? I'm just trying to find solutions you can't just go in and shoot up a school because you think there might be a school shooter there? I spent 12 years crawling through the jungles of the NBN fed in Vietnam. I floated on a rotten raft covered with garbage down the Cambodian river known as Bentonkfow. I've slithered through the mud like a salamander with herpes on a Friday night

at a driving movie theater in Oildale, California. and I suck coconuts off the top of a coconut tree deep in the heart of fucking Thailand. So don't you tell me what's what, you waffle house sniffing, fallopian tube-licking, fucking draft neck riding, stinkball whore? Sir, if you could stop calling me a whore, look, maybe we're going around in circles here.

I went around it circled in Vietnam. Like a Chinese Ferris wheel looking for a ghost in the middle of the night. And all you find is a dirty albino wandering through the rice fields. What a Panda Express takeout bag hanging on his nut sack. Now why don't you put that into your dolly part and underpants

and go sit on a toadstool whore? sir i'm okay you know what i'm not a whore i think i liked your idea about fortifying the schools i don't think shooting up the schools before the school shooter can emerge is the right approach because you're basically nullifying saving children at this point you're killing them you asked a solution i offered a solution think you can do better. Why don't you go to Gina Davis's house? Take the Oscar off her mantle.

Wax it up real sweet. And fucking the golden ass. Sir, what are you talking about? Get a life, you fucking crawfish, sucking banjo-licking bio-cano-cano-cano-cano-cano-cannoo-cano-cannoo-cannoo, sir. Hoar! Sir, don't you dare hang it? come on what is you know folks that was actually a very sort of stimulating conversation i think there's some merit to i think there's some merit to to fortifying the schools

reinforcing them that was quite a brilliant idea and then the second part wiping out the schools before they can even start, in essence, hunting down a school shooter before we even have identified who the school shooter is is absolutely counterintuitive, violent, and backwards. So I think we got one step forward and two steps back with Colonel Tom Navy SEAL. Tom Dowdy.

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