The Harland Highway - ADAM RAY goes full model mode and puts on a sizzling beef fashion show for the ages. Strike a pose!

Episode Date: October 14, 2025

This episode is sponsored by MASA and Skims, and Rugiet! - Ready to level up your confidence in the bedroom? Head to R-U-G-I-E-T dot com and use mypromo code HARLAND for 15% off your first order! https://www.rugiet.com - HARLAND-Shop SKIMS Mens at SKIMS.com. https://www.skims.com/harland -Ready to give MASA a try? Go to MASAChips.com/HARLAND and use code HARLANDfor 25% off your first order!Thanks for watching the Harland Highway. More Harland Williams: Harland Highway Podcast Video: https://www.youtube.com/c/HarlandHighwayPodcast Harland Highway Podcast Audio: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-harland-highway/id321980603 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/harlandwilliams Harbling Shirts: https://www.harbling.com Official Website: https://www.harlandwilliams.com Twitter :https://twitter.com/harlandhighway?lang=enMore Adam Ray: Website: https://adamraycomedy.com/Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/adamraycomedy/?hl=enX: https://x.com/adamraycomedy?lang=en #podcast #harlandwilliams Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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a vulva popping through but that's okay this is what you want let's see that vulva again oh god that's a hairy one Is that Italian? Yes. Wow. Cruising down a road, bro, bro, so wild, so true.

Island Highway whispered sky so blue. Palm trees dance with the breeze in style. California dreams go on for miles. Do you take a deep breath before you, like, enter into a... Seance? Not a... Well, it's seance, but a transaction or an encounter with another human. Do you ever, like, just like, breathe or no?

If I'm doing a, if I'm at, like, a tantric sex orgy, which is only, which I've only been invited to, never been, so I don't know, never went, couldn't, couldn't go, was out of town. Oh, dude. It was at the Dania Beach Improv, so... Shout out to Matt Coleman, yeah, but couldn't make it. Oh, dude. Have you thought about trying to find another one? Craigslist has too many.

Whoa. And I know everyone's thinking, Craigslist, isn't that place you get couches from perverts? Yeah. Yes. But it's also a great place to find group orgy sex. Again, this isn't what I'm saying that you need or what I have found. Yeah. But in scrolling through looking for futons and lamps, oh my.

Tons of guys named Barry or Gary or Larry that are. just like, hey, come over and bring some fingers, bring some hands, bring some feet. Yeah. We've got the meat. Oh, didn't it used to be Arby's that had the meat? And the fingers. Oh, they had the fingers too.

They have chicken fingers. Remember the McDonald's guy that found a finger in his McNuggets? And it was the middle finger. Yeah. And it had a wedding ring on it. It was unbulleted. To get flipped off by a married person while you're just trying to have lunch. While you're a single guy trying to have a solo.

Like, that's suicidal almost. Yeah. Imagine you got a McDonald's burger with a finger in it and you're a proctologist. What do you do with that? Do you go back after lunch and go, yeah, Don, close your eyes and you use the severed finger instead of your own. Is that malpractice? No. This is to me.

Well, we grew up in different parts of the country, huh? Prock. Birding. Dude. Come on. You were in the movie. I set you up to finish the word. I said prok.

Ptology. Okay, but I... Proctalogy. Proctology. I was... Dude. I thought you're trying to get a sing-along going. No, I mean, I like that.

Do you think that's what the proctologists do? Like, they have their own spin. Like, if someone's going to sing, mock, ing, then there's one doctor that's like, Prock, tall. It is. Yeah. I think when your daily job is to look up someone's butts, you better sing.

Hi-ho, hi-ho, hi-ho, it's off to asshole I go. I mean, you got to... Just open wide and hold your breath. Hi-ho, hi-ho, hi-ho, hi-ho. You got to have a little spring in your step to do that for work. And then Brad Williams comes out and puts the gloves on his feet. Oh, on his feet! Yeah, because dwarves' feet are huge.

human. Say it with me. Fists. Yes. Oh, wow. You learn something new every day. Wow. Here we go. Ladies and gentlemen, you're on the Halle Howe podcast with my guy, my buddy, Adam Ray's here. Buddy, I don't know if this is like, I don't know if your MP cultures do this. If North American culture, I don't know if other guys, but is it okay to greet a guy. a buddy with a flower? Yeah. Could I be like, Hi, buddy? Yeah.

Welcome to the Harlan Highway podcast. Is that okay? Yeah, it looks like you shaved one of the fragles pubs off and put her on a stem. Okay. Did you get this from the secret garden? Well, let's not devalue my gesture. Well, the gift is appreciated and received.

Isn't that nice? I've never received a flower from anybody. Really? Customarily, I think guys give them the gals. Gals don't give them the gals. guys. Maybe my mom gave me flowers after a play, but I just, fuck, I threw them down because I was like, you don't fucking know me, bitch. You said that to your mom. In my head, I did. Yeah. In the moment, I gave her a hug and said, thank you for the flowers. But I talk a lot

of shit to my mom in my head. Yeah. I try to, I try to push it down for the real, for the real moments. Have you ever blown up at your mom? Like, just, like, just like out and out swearing. I hate you. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Dropping F bomb. What? When she, when she, I've never done that. Oh, to my mom? To your mom? Well, not to your mom, but to my mom. Let's call her up. She loves being called the C-word.

What? Gets her going. What did you? What happened? She, it was the first time I saw her, once my folks split, thanks for bringing it up. It was the first time I saw her kissing another dude outside my window. And I was eating a brown sugar pot tart.

I was leaning out the window and my tits were fucking hanging over the cliff. Wow. And the guy looked up and was like, who's that gal? And she shoved my mom away and came up sitting up. Thought you were a check. Prock, I. Bing, Bird, in. Pop-tart

cinnamon. Yeah, sure, guy. I know the drill. I was screaming, so did I that day. That was the night you lost your flowers right there. It called me Danny Drillbit. Wow, Sarah's sunflower. I looked out the window and started screaming

every curse word I could. Really? It was mostly directed towards him, but she received a handful of the slurs. So you were just incensed that your mom, who, you know, your dad wasn't around. Yeah, she needs to move on. Yeah.

He needs to move on, but I wasn't ready to. Yeah. So I was like, I think I called him like, like a boner. And then I think I said AIDS. I just was anything, everything, like a bitch, cock sucker, motherfucker. You know, I think it just was just parts of the body. You femur bone, you titty fucker, you ass licker, you know, everything, dude. Because that was a representation probably that, A, it solidified that they were done.

Yeah. And this was almost like, in a way, if I'm. being an armchair psychologist. Please. This was an affront to your childhood because all you knew was your dad. And now here was this guy. And not a great guy either. I mean, a fine guy, but we call him marshmallow face behind his back.

Oh, wow. Not to throw my mom under the bus, attractive gal, has been her whole life. A lot of spunk, a lot of pizzazz. Wow. But has married, well, remarried with George, shout out. But this guy's name was Dennis, not to put his name on blast. I don't know his last name, but let's call him. Dennis, mellow, you know?

Yeah. Cut a marshmallow. Mellow, yeah. And he tried to come out and play basketball with me, and he'd, like, shoot underhand. Oh, wow. He'd be like, can I shoot some basket shots with you? I'm like, if that's how you're talking about shooting hoops, who knows what you're capable of doing to my mom. Yeah, oh, God.

Like, what if he like to eat her out, like, goes, like, goes, like, around, like, puts his, like, maybe he goes in the front, but then, like, uses his hand, like a puppet, like, you know, let's cut to a clip. Yeah. Let's cut to Greenland Like let's cut far, far away We had a teacher in sixth grade named Mrs. Greenland, big gal You can only imagine some of the insults Some of the nasty kids hurled her way

Wait, what did she teach? Geography? Should have. Sixth grade. It was in the curriculum, but... Oh, it was like she just covered all the classes. And most of the chalkboard. Whoa.

Big gal. Drink five. Drink five. Number five alive. we just got back from Italy and you know how much I missed like a real American soda? Oh, man.

Happy to be over there and it was awesome. The ingredients are fresher and better for sure. Yeah. You know, Domino's pizza has nothing on an Italian homemade pizza. Like it's just without question.

Italy. Best food ever. But man, I definitely got back and was like, oh yeah, give me a little Mickey D's D. D. Coke or something that's... Oh, yeah. We nail fast food for sure.

So good. Yeah. Like, I don't think I would go to Italy for McDonald's. No. And what's funny is McDonald's tastes different in Europe. Like if you buy a Big Mac in Germany or France or anyway, it just has a different flavor for whatever reason. Why is that?

Different ingredients? I don't know if the beef's different or whatever, but it definitely tastes different. Yeah. And then I lived in Germany for like a year and a half. And you couldn't find like a Denny style breakfast, like bacon and eggs and white toast and butter. Like, they, their idea of breakfast is cheese and, and buns and cold cuts. And beans, right? Not really beans in the UK.

Oh, UK, yeah. But in Germany, it was like cold cuts. Jesus. Dude. Just deli meats on pancakes? Yeah, no, on like, like bonds. Oh. Yeah.

And, you know, I actually got used to it, but you can't, you couldn't find like an American bacon and eggs breakfast. And economists? Uh, sometimes you'd find one. Hey, what does the hot dog use for protection? condiments can we get back to your mom what's what's the

what animal has the largest chest condiments a zebra uh folks this has been the harland highway podcast uh thanks for joining us hey man in and out that's how we do

fuck you and uh maybe the worst guest we've ever ever. I was warming up for my theater tour. You're dumb. You're done. Dude, do you worry about your mom getting older?

Like, because all our parents are getting older. Does that freak you out? It does. And every time now I'm at that age where any time my stepdad calls, I think it's to give me bad news. Even though he's just pitching me a movie, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's 82.

He's pitched me. He's like, all right, so I got an idea. Yeah. It's you. It's Denzo, Washington, it's Sandra Bullock, and you're in space. I'm like, you've already lost me. And he's like, hear me out. So there's an alien.

Sandra Bullock, she might be the alien. Denzel's, he's coming up from, let's say he lives in Tallahassee. And he's flying out to the moon. He's about to find, he knows there's aliens up there, but he doesn't know who. And he wants to bring one back to test him. He falls in love with one of them. It's Sandra Bullock. And now he's got to decide between killing all the aliens.

This is actually not the pitch. This actually sounds way better than what he's pitched me. His will be like, here, all right, so Harrison Ford checks ideas at a glory hole. And Rosie Perez works. the KFC across the street but he works for ice so folks this has been

the Harland Highway podcast uh that's at Adam Ray comedy on Twitter right now uh folks Adam Ray's here here's the thing my guy I'm uh is your mother forgetful

is she does she was one of those ones to start to lose her but I don't think it's dementia I think it's just old age Are you worried about the dementia thing? Everyone's going to get it at some point. It's like her. Herpes is the new dementia.

Who said that? Elon Musk. Folks, this has been the Harland Highway podcast. At least give me 20 seconds to build some momentum. I worry about like the dementia thing too. I think we all do because our parents are getting older. We might get it one day, my guy. Fuck, I hope.

Not. No, folks, this has been the Harlan. Dude. How many more are you? How many times can I end it? I think he, oh, all right. See, let me get to the trumpet section. At least I feel like I've got a chance to stick around.

That's what she said. But I'm worried and I want to help. I think we all want to find solutions because think about losing your memory and your parent just wandering down. You hear these stories, old people wandering through Glendale, down a freeway. Yeah, selling oranges, like looking for their dog. They'd never had a dog. Yeah, they've never had a dog.

Sparky! Sparky! you sparky oh god she's talking to the wall again where are you boy mama misses you child now would people just see an old woman looking for their dog or would they think she's got dementia because is there dementia is their dementia face oh you're right because you know you see an old person on the freeway most people are going to try to go i don't think she's supposed to be there unless this is her daily walk who am i to tell her where to walk right so what you're saying is i should match dementia face with the sparky rant yeah all right let me try it again

There it is, yeah. See, I'm helping. Where are you, my? I'm helping that person, I think. Mom, I want you to come home, Sparky! Oh, God. Does that help or no? I dated that woman.

You did? Sparky? In college, yeah. Oh, wow. Sparky, pluggy. They weren't good faces. Spark, plug. Yeah, yeah.

Buddy, I came up, because I want to help. I know you want to help. Yes. I came up with an invention, and I don't know if I your dementia? Well, to help with it. To stop the aging process. No, but if your mother wanders down the highway. To find her. Yeah, to find her. It's like Pokemon Go for

dementia people. Buddy, if I could show you my invention and it's real easy. It's only 2599. Okay. It's one of these like address things. It's appropriately priced. And you wake up in the morning and you got your parent and you're just like, dude, just like Mama coming home for dinner now, child. Mama coming home,

Mama gonna stir the beans up. Real wrap now, child. Return to sender. Address is known. Return to sender. Ing. Come on. Wait, the...

Right? Am I on to something guy? Now, talk to me. I can't, I think it's the address looks backwards, so I'm going to have to hold you up to a mirror probably, right? Okay. Is it backwards? Well, maybe she's walking backwards.

Okay. These dementoids, they don't know which way is what. They probably like being called that, right? Dementoid, yeah. Put them into that transformer category. Yeah, they don't know. 2599, and where am I buying something like that? Staples, you can get them made at Staples.

Okay. Yeah, the dementia. People forget that Staples is here for your printing needs. Yeah. But also, if your grandma's walking buck-negated into a Ralph's, my paper plastic I used to bag groceries I know you did it

Robertsons Albertsons Well it's my show Robertsons And I used to ask people Paper and Plastic all the time And they would make the sparky dementia face They were so confused What did most people go with plastic right

You'd think But then some people were worried about The Dolphins suffocating So they'd go paper And then I'm like All right You're killing a tree You know I wouldn't say that

But somebody there would But they were always, they'd be in line for 15, 20 minutes, and then they'd get up and I'd be like paper or plastic and they were like, wow, what's with the pop quiz kid? Yeah. And they didn't know what to do. And I can understand that reaction if I was like, would you like me to shave your back or bathe your kid?

But it's two options you knew we're probably going to be here. Yeah. Now, that being said, what would you say if I said that? I'd always go plastic. For me, it's about comfort, easy. And if you told me that plastic was going to end the world like tomorrow, then I might, you know, but everyone's using plastic all over the world. I don't want us to use plastic.

We got to end up. But one person saying no isn't going to stop it in a world where it, and that's the dilemma of being human because even and if you're sitting and going, oh, well, Harlan's a jackass. Well, remember this. Even the environmentalists have to use spray paint to make their signs and toxic paint to paint their signs and start their cars to drive to the protest. Wow.

And the rainbow warriors out there trying to save the whales are spewing diesel fuel into the ocean. And they all wake up and flush their toilets. And they all buy bottled water. And, you know, we do our best, but just by being alive, you're part of the problem. Sorry. Moment of silence for the human race?

Yeah, I think so. Okay. I think so. Last protest you went to? Oh, God. I went to that one in the 70s where you burn your bra. Because those bras used to chafe me like a mow flow.

They were tough. They were not built for comfort. They were built for speed. I didn't even burn mine. I went to one of those places, the hot pots where you cook your own food. They put it, and I would just boil it. Yeah, I just dipped.

my bra and boil that hole. Now, at Burning Man, do they burn the bras? You can burn anything at Burning Man. That's the fun part. Oh, yeah. Do you ever see people getting slippery out in the open? What do you mean? You know what I mean. Whoa, slippery out in the open. I like that. You know, like people just out, just throwing caution to the wind. Yeah, I walked up. I was at a music festival once and it was like tons of people and I was like I just want to get away from all the noise and I sort of walked off

and I go there's like a hill over there like a grassy hill I'll just go up there and just get away and I walked up as I crested the hill there was literally a pair of legs open and some guys bought and they were just like sexual intercourcing out in nature

and I was just like on top of the hill did that hill have eyes? The hill had fries it was a fat guy yeah it was like it was just horrible yeah imagine taking a brisk walk up that mountain and you're like you're telling your girl you like i'm telling you this view is yeah yeah well here's the kicker because i went up alone and i was in my early 20s so the world of sexuality was still sort of new yeah so you hadn't seen this move before well here's the thing so and this is for real i go up the

and my, you know, my head pops up and I'm like, oh, and then I went, I shouldn't be saying, I went down and then suddenly like, where's Waldo? I was like, oh. Yeah, let me make sure that's what I saw. Yeah, I was torn between being a total purve and watching it. Sure. And doing the right thing and just going, oh my God, but I'm like, well, they're doing it out in public. Oh, hey, hey, hey, gang. Did you know that all chips used to be cooked in town? up until the 1990s when them big corporations switched to cheap, processed seed oils? Well, today's seed oils make up 20% of the American daily calories, and recent studies have linked seed oils to metabolic health issues

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you're going to love your mass of chips i once walked in on brad williams our friend brad williams shout out at brad funny on uh twitter i know ed funny brad on twitter watches special starfish on youtube walked in on brad no go into town standing up doggy style and i said I should walk away, but I'd never seen it. So I'm frozen in the doorway as a fan and a concern, friend. Yeah. Trying to, because I don't know if you can legally pump away that fast. I know if he's going to burst in the cookies, right?

I made a wish. I called my dad. I said, I love you. He's like, why now do you want to reconnect? I was like, because I saw something that you told me I never would see on my own, and I'm seeing it. Yeah, Dorff in the well. Somewhere out there.

Beneath the Chimmy's Spoky Why don't I feel like we were going through Puberty when we were saying? Like our voices were changing That's from Fival Goes West Was it?

Yeah, you've seen that? Somewhere out there? Yeah, the Orphan Mouse, remember that? Yeah, I never saw that movie I don't think. Well, if you're going to watch it for the first time, put on Dark Side of the Moon and see if Fival Goes West

and Dark Side of the Moon matches up. I thought that was Wizard of that they did that. I thought it was Schindler's List and Seale. Oh, wow. Shindler's list to dark side of the moon? Yeah. Wow. It doesn't match up.

It is with the Wizard of Oz, though. Is it? Have you done it? The real. I tried to once. Yeah. There were some moments. There were some real moments. I think it was like when the lion got courage to like talk back to Dorothy.

Yeah. Where he was like, you're not the boss of me, bitch. I don't know. I haven't seen the movie. But he got real act. Remember he got courage to speak up and like speak his mind. and, like, speak his mind, basically, is what the Wizard of Oz is, right? Yeah, yeah.

Dorothy's like, Scarecrow, you need to get some... Brains. Brains. Or, yeah, brains. And Tin Man, you need to stop being such a fucking, you know, you're, you know, you've been, you know, you got to grow up. Yeah. And lying, you've got to, you know, stick up for yourself.

Yeah. Everyone's pushing you around. So then he fought back, and he got real physical with Dorothy. It's in the deleted scenes. It is? It's not, it's not... I wouldn't say make it the first thing you watch in the morning, but it is a good lesson in, hey, sometimes you don't know

your own strength, you know? And Dorothy's fine. She's fine. You know, it was more of a... I'd like to see Dorothy get punched by a lion. I'd really enjoy that. Like an uppercut? Like, right out of her ruby slipper.

Well, she was... She was a little... She was a little hoitied... It's a good lion. Yeah. Fy with the king of the fullest. It's the first role I ever played in fifth grade. No way.

I was a fat kid, too. So when I first... first started doing stamp, I would say. I go, my first role was the line in, was Ravos, but I was a fat kid, so it was the first time in the history of the story that the lion got to Oz, and instead of courage, asked for ice cream cake. Oh, wow. I got more laughs here than it took on stage 20 years ago.

I don't know who has time to sit down and listen to the whole Pink Floyd album and sink it up to a movie. I don't have time. This is TikTok world. Nobody's got time now. You barely make it through one, like, TikTok. Yeah. I don't, when people even will come up to you, it shows, I'm sure they do it for you, too.

And there are, you know, there's so many ways now for people to find us, which is great. Yeah. But when they're like, oh, I find you on TikTok, I'm like, surprised you watched enough to develop an opinion. Yeah, right. Thanks for sticking around for 30 seconds. Yeah. But then that's also the challenge, right, for us to, like, put out stuff that hopefully grabs them enough to stick around for long enough to. Do you like putting stuff?

stuff out on late TikTok hey? At this point I'm numb to all of it as far as like Because there's so much I just had

When I remember I mean I was late To the TikTok game I didn't really participate For probably a good Year and change And then just in the last few years I was like I gotta be more active on it

But it's only It's that When new things come along Yeah Like threads I don't have me I yeah I never

I don't even know what that means What about beads Have you been on beads No Don't even know it How about guys on guys? Once?

Just once. Relax. Well, hey, once. I tripped. Five guys, right? Well, they did have fries. The hills have fries. Wait, do you put up all your own TikTok stuff?

You do? You do it all yourself? I hired somebody to do it once and he just missed a boat on timing and then also he would cut some of the clip. People that find, you got to find somebody that knows your voice and that you got a similar sense with.

And the guy that was doing it, he was like, oh, I chopped out all these things, all these moments of the clip. I go, oh, well, you needed those for the other moments. And he's like, yeah, but this will make it shorter.

And I was like, oh, you're just worrying about the timing. Not about making it the fun. So I do it myself. It's time consuming. Yeah. And I have somebody else cutting them, but I go through and watch all the stuff

and get the time codes. But the physical editing is somebody else. Player, please. But I do make my own breakfast. You do? I'll pour a bowl of frosted flakes into a bowl. Is that your serious?

It used to be. Are you cereal? About cereal, yeah. Is that your go-to, Frosted Flakes? It was as a kid. What is it now? Talk to me. I ate Frosted Flakes for dinner in college a lot, or post-college when I was real poor.

And I would sing to myself instead of, they're great. I'm sad. Oh, wow. I'm suicidal. They did. Tony finally ends it. Oh, wow. It's coming probably.

Well, what do you eat now? What's your cereal? The two-fat gay guy, Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Wow. Yeah. They do a good job. Yeah. They're all about the sugar and they're all about...

The gay. The gay. And Cinnamon Toast Crunch is maybe the gay cereal. Yeah. But that's because it's got the most love involved. Yeah. You pour milk on it and it squishes. Maybe cookie crisp.

Oh, wow. That's another fat kid cereal. Yeah. A bowl of chocolate chip cookies for breakfast. Okay. Or the Latin name, Diabetes Crunch. I used to say, I go, there's, if you want kids to stop being fat, any cereal that sounds like a stripper, don't give it to them.

Yeah, like what? Sugar crisp? Yep. What else? Fruty pebbles. Tricks. See you, bitch. Special K, that's a hooker with one leg.

Yeah, yeah. She comes in late, always late, hobbles up to the stage. Honey bunches of oats. Wow, that's the chick with no legs. Not with these pants. Oh, God. Honey punches the boat. It's just two nubs.

Nub crunch? Oh, man. This is just a technicality. I have to end it just for... Guys, come see me on tour at Adam Raycombe. Adam Raycombe.combe.com for tickets. The theater tour starts January goes through April. I just technically had to do that to cover us from being canceled.

Oh, we ended it. We cut it off. Oh, Nubh crunch won't do it. If Nub crunch is going to be the thing that takes us down. Yeah. Hey, man. So that was just, that was, that was just a technicality, that one. Yeah.

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Full safety information is available at ridget.com. Do you groom? Are you a groomer? Do you care about your, uh, your friendly area? Yeah, you don't want to look in like, uh, you know, Amazon.com down there. Yeah, yeah. But you also don't want to, you don't want her to be swinging from the vines like Tarzan. So, what do you do?

What's your grooming technique? Let's cut to a clip. Talk to me. Literally. You know what? It's usually clippers from Target. Yeah. And if those don't work, you know, there's a lot of, there's a lot of, just the pull method, you know.

Yeah. Just pull. There's the, there's the, if you can, if you've been doing your stretching. There's the, you know, just hunk, just curl your body down and just, you know, you know, bite it off. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, it's important to feel something from time to time. Yeah.

I'd say, um, clippers is, yeah, a buzzer, a buzzer. Do you, and I know this is getting a little, but you trim the bolognies? The ball sack. Yeah. She have to, yeah. Yeah. That part seems like the, where you can get lost. in the weeds yeah you ever seen where the wild things are yeah you don't want it to look like

that yeah Jurassic Park three yeah you don't want to look like yeah sophie's choice yeah you want to look like that the mosquito coast yeah wow have you seen cocoon oh yeah you don't want it to look like no no anybody in that movie yeah yeah you've seen edward scissor hands yeah that's what you want to do to it yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah you want to trim it and yeah yeah well you're yeah who's that Diane Weiss? She was in her hands and searching and Little Man Tate

Well you don't want it to look like that Guy screeches his own bit to a hall You know Diane Weist The ultimate bit killer Yeah That was her nickname in middle school Just throw that into any joke

And it's over Do you know Diane Weist Like no Nobody does I've got Diane Yeast let's cut to a clip bloody I want to see if you'll help me with something please okay yeah you're both entrepreneurs right

we're sort of in business for ourselves you have to be I want to see have you ever like kind of cleaned out your closet cleaned out your closet and just like I don't wear this stuff anymore started from scratch yeah hit the reset button like did you do the whole thing or you just weed out parts of it I try to go, everything's going.

Yeah. And then it ends up being, there's a half off sale. Some of the stuff is sticking around. What do you do with it when you decide, okay, this is the pile that's going? Well, there was a homeless guy that jerks off in the bushes outside of my house.

And for the sake of this story, let's call him. Diane Weiss. And we're on to the next. That's the equivalent of when improvising. The risers, like, run a circle around themselves to end the scene. Dian Weist is code. That's somebody's safe word. That was the people on the hills have fries.

That was their safe word. He goes, look, if this is getting too aggressive, just say Diane Weed. She goes, well, this is going to backfire because that actually is what turns me on. I wonder if the hills ever have curly fries, or is it just fries? Let's call Spielberg. Who directed that? The Hills Have Eyes? That wasn't Spielberg?

Watch your tone. I was like, Yikes. I hate Spielberg over here. It doesn't believe in Spielberg. Guy Diane weases me in the 90s. Guy weases me, weiss on,

wease off. God. Weist me alone. Oh, I didn't weist a car recently. Wait, so I take the clothes, drop them off at a goodwill.

Okay. I've done the Buffalo Exchange, but it's not worth it. But he's, Here's the thing. Is it weird for you because sometimes those clothes, they were on your journey with you for a while. Do you ever get a sentimental attachment to them?

Oh, yeah. I've held on to items and articles just for that reason alone. Right. Yeah. I mean, the times I've left shirts or jackets behind in hotels, never to be seen again. And by the way. On purpose? No.

Oh, by accident. Oh, yeah, just to be like, you're free now. Yeah. Yeah. It's like letting a falcon out of your, you know, improv stuff. But there's a, yeah, you let a falcon out of your garage. Same as leaving a jacket in the Lequinta Inn. You wanted to have the next chapter of its life away from you.

Yeah. How do you pronounce it? Falcon? No. Weist? Lequinta. Lequinta Inn. Is that what they're called?

What did you say? I thought they were Lequinta. Yeah. Don't get me canceled, brother. Hey, hey, hey. Weiss. Weiss got no time for this. Weist out.

Weiss got to slow it down, Nacho. Oh my God. Lequinta. no likes I'm straight so here's where I'm going with this my guy because I just recently went through my shirts and I was just going to give them to Goodwill

and I thought they have a sentimental attachment they're cool shirts and just because I don't want them doesn't mean that somebody don't want them and so I'm not a good enough looking guy but you come waltzing in here you're a handsome lad

you like got the almond the narrow almond eyes you got a little bit of that Ben Affleck sort of like shade like I might be drinking again stubble yeah that type of thing look at your teeth you got beautiful white teeth well I don't see color but yeah

you're a you're a you're a please sit down I was at your wedding and I never told you this but I remember I took your wife to the side. You did, you did. And I was talking to her, and we were watching you on the dance floor, having fun at your wedding. Oh, that's sweet. And I just, I remember, I whispered in her and I go, where did you find this delicious whore?

And she just, this is what she did. I'm not kidding. She grabbed one of the wedding forks, the cutler, bit the end off, the fork, spitted into a wall like a karate star, just went like this to me. And that's said it all. I haven't seen her since. So, it's good I know that she went on a high nose. at the truck stop on the way up to Bakersfield. We're in a Diane Weist fucking would you just

please be alone? So here's where I'm going with this guy. What I'm saying is I need model material. I need beef. I need sizzling hot beef. So it's not always what's for dinner. It's for what's for breakfast too. Right. I'm sad.

Okay, so you want, you got some items? What I want to do is I want you to be my sexy model and see if we can put some of my shirts on and put a number on them try and sell them okay so based on how so okay and take away take pictures are there these pictures going online no we're just you're going to wear them right here and we're going to see them and we're going to decide if they're worth keeping or trash it no we'll just set a price for them me and you we can see how much they're worth i love that okay and i yeah and i think you know

the the person makes the shirt but sometimes but sometimes the shirt makes the person yeah that's right You know, so. Okay, folks. Well, here we go. It's the Harland Highway ever, first fashion show. We're going to get the sizzling beef in his first outfit, and we're going to see how much we can get for it. Nobody's called me the sizzling beef since my rabbi circumcised me a couple hours ago.

Wow, a couple hours ago? Well, not the third time? All right, weist. Wow. That's a weist of your worries. We'll be right back. All right. We're going to get out of it his first outfit, and we'll be right back.

Stories is the name of her memoir. Oh, wow. And it's where she tells people to finally just stop getting, just leave her alone. Oh, wow. I should be the weist of your worries. That should be the weeat. The die in the weas story. The beast from the weist.

Beauty in the weist. Beauty and the weist. Oh, my God. We'll be right back. Here we go, folks. We're back with our supermodel. Adam Ray. Adam, please display the first shirt.

Oh, Archie. Archie from Riverdale. And you know, the shirt fits perfectly. So right off the bat, I want to tell you, if you're an Excel like I am, broad shoulders, beefy, beefy tits, which is what my rabbi used to call me before, he circumcised me a couple years ago.

You got to re-up. It's like, it's like, it's like an insurance card you know snip it once you know what's the saying snippet once weiss me twice

so this is Archie yeah Archie comics arguably the best character yeah well Jughead's good have you ever read Jughead I mean you know

it's been a minute but I'm still married but there is something about Archie that I think speaks to the people Jughead was the villain yeah no he was the buddy Reggie was the villain

so some people like the buddy Some people like the leading man. Archie, I think, this is an icebreaker shirt. You go to Halloween party or... Stand up just a little so they can see the face. Oh, yeah. That's a great shirt. And you don't hear this often.

You look great in orange. Wow. I'm picturing you in jail. Want to get out of you? Wow. So let's put up prices. We want this to be something that people can afford. I'm going to say $600.

I'm going to say that's a little high. But I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm actually, I'm going to, price is right, one dollar. Yeah, I'm going to go 601. 601, right there. Boom. If you want this, worn, yeah. It's clean. I'm clean. As far as we know, no kids out there. No records. There is, I've got one Diane Weist record back at home, but it's where she just sings all of James Taylor's hits. And to be honest with you, it's not that good. But I do have. Weist are the champions. this orange is the new black and uh and not to bring race into this but i think orange is the new use so yeah for the easy price of 601 601 or for 25 easy payments and you too can own this harland one of a kind archie bunker or archie archie andrews yeah okay uh double a you look you're already in aa why don't you wear a shirt that represents the guy with the same

acronyms 601 it could be yours you heard it 601 Let's go to our next shirt model. Beef. Here we are back with our sizzling beef model, Adam Ray. And on this one, we have the Frogs of North America, Adam. I love it because Kermit the Frog was my favorite Muppet. I was molested by a group of toads shortly after my rabbi circumcised me. Wow, again?

Yeah, it's, again, you've got to, you know, evolve with the times. How many times are you circumcised? Personal question, 15. But this shirt has, this shirt has what I love is the sleeves of a different color. You've heard of the term a horse of a different color? Yeah. You've heard of the term, I'm so hungry I could eat a horse, which, by the way, I've been so high that I've thought the same thing. Oh, wow.

I think whoever said that was baked. Yeah. But I love this because, look, frogs are one of the lost creatures of the animal kingdom. Oh, talk to me. that's it that's what I want to say I'm not running for office but I think that there is I think there's something about

you get green you get white and you get look it you've got the you've got the there's got the wood frog you've got the green tree tree frog you've got the American bull frog yeah right there's I think there's a

there's a bull frog yeah you got the you got the you got all sorts of frogs and it's comfy this is I'm going to say this and I don't like to pick favorites, but this shirt is comfier than the Archie shirt. Yeah. Comfy amphibian wear.

Yeah. So I think because the frogs add a lot of, because they are going extinct, I think it adds a little bit more value. Okay. Archie's here to stay. I think Archie ain't going anywhere. Yeah. Frogs.

Yeah. We're looking at 2008, 2008, 2009. Gone. Yeah. And then it's, you know, a new creature comes in, you know. Okay. I think we should open this up to the international market. So I'm going to go Germany and say 700 Deutschmark.

I'm going to go, I'm going to go the Little Caesars route and go 1,500 stretch marks. Oh, wow. I like where your head's at. And then I'm actually going to go my 600-pound life and go 300, 300, what is it, grease marks? What do you call it when there's grease marks? Yeah. Oh, poo running down your what? Oh, God.

Skid marks. Unless it's Winnie the Pooh, they're running down your street. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Skid marks. Skid marks. So, folks, just in the interest of international marketplace, Igen clan on d'aus and luba hatchen, I flounden, an halber henchen,

muchin, on us, and 600 d'oichmarks, how'densloik. And I'll second that by saying, Hakuna Matata, Lego, my ego. Hot eats, cool treats, we treat you right and Jared Fogo's getting out of prison soon so everyone be on the lookout and watch your back.

And as the frogs would say, what did, I got another joke for you, what do the horny toad say to the other horny toad? What? Rib it, ribbit, rub my frog cock. Folks, we're going to do a whole fashion show. We're going to wrap it up, right now. No, I'm kidding. We've got to get you in your next outfit. Let's go.

And we're back. We're back with the Harlan T-shirt fashion show with our sizzling slab of hot glazed meat. One of the hottest models you'll ever meet. Look out, Glenn Powell and Chris Jenner. Yeah. And Heidi Klum and Seal even, even though he has that fucked up pocket. Marked face. Yeah, but he still got the banger. So, like, what if you, I mean, that's, if you look like you were bit by a Wolverine and you still got Idy Kloom, you're doing something right.

Well, guess what, he doesn't have clue. He might have gotten a kiss from a rose, but he got a nibble by a shark. We'll be right back. Folks, say hello to some beautiful Western wear. This is one of my shirts, and it's got a roadrunner on it and cactus. And look at the, the combo. if you're into Western style, but I would say two grand

for that one. Two grand minimum, I'd say. I mean, we're going deep down south, whether it's Taos, New Mexico, or Scottsdale, Arizona. If you've seen a chicken pot pie or some domestic violence, you know that shirts are meant to be worn. So, if you're going outside in the hot

scorching heat, or you're inside freezing your tits off, this is a shirt for everyone. You're going to a senior prom with the girl you just met on Craigslist, or you're chaperoning some field trip to the aquarium because they got some new trans whale. This is the time to be alive. This is the time

to leave one button undone, pop that collar and make sure the sleeves fit your arms because guess what? At the end of the day, if a fat kid blames a fart on you in an elevator, you can still vote. Dude, you look like an olive and a martini glass with a little hint up

meep, unbelievable. Yeah. Meep me is actually what my rabbi used to say after he... That coyote really is a crazy clown. This shirt fit And look I know upon first glance Some of you're saying

Does it even fit Well first of all Open your eyes Open your heart Close your fart And look through the set of goggles That's a little less judgy Because yeah

It does fit Straight in the back And just show them My guy Oh yeah Look at that That fits beautifully It almost looks like

A vulva popping through But that's okay This is what you want Yeah Volvas are in You know what's out belly buttons Yeah

They had their day in the sun Why have a belly button Let's see that vulva again. Oh, God, that's a hairy one. Is that Italian? Yeah. Yes. Wow.

Well, Russian Jew, actually. Russian Jew Volvo. Wow. Let me see that Weiss hole again. Wow. Oh, God. Russian Jew Bolva actually was a movie that Diane Weiss was in in 1980. It doesn't matter.

But, yeah, so again, this shirt can be yours for five easy payments of $500. I know you can't see it. You could just show it. That is like a Billy Jean King, 1970s playboy before they shut down for the holidays. Wow. Playboy shutting down for the holidays. Wow. It is so funny.

You saw this and goes, we'll come back in May. I don't know, but I just feel like I spent the night in an igloo with an Eskimo woman. Unbelievable. She goes, hey, have you ever seen one of these before? He goes, I'm going to glad my Klondike and that polar bear, and I'm going to see you on Friday. Wow. Folks, I think we, I'm going to go 900 bucks for this one. Seems fair. 900 seems fair. I think it's almost like, you know, sometimes when you see 99 versus 10.

So I think 900 before 1,000 is fair. You're saving 100 bucks. You could go to Disneyland with the fam for $1,000 or you could buy this shirt for your stepdad who's, you know, dealing with some sort of, you know, eye condition. What is the currency in China called? Is it the yen? Or is that Japan? that well there's the there's the there's the there's the jana's Japan Japan what's China the the yeah the the Yeti the Yeti yeah let's just say the Yetty the Yen and the Yeti the Eastern culture loves a taste of the West love it so in keeping with our international flair I want this one to maybe go out to China yep just so uh

And I'm going to a disclaimer, I don't speak, I'm going to open this out. Couldn't tell. I'm trying to be as inclusive as possible. And open this up to all international nationalities and ethnicities. I think if you want people to know how much these mean to you, you have to open it up to everybody. The world. The world gets a shot at these.

The world gets a shot. And if I could just close with this, um, Tahangdaa, Dengkataa, Okay. Did you want to say anything to our Chinese friends? I think this is, I think,

Oh, yeah, that's. I think Billy Jean's not your lover. I'll tell you that much. I'll let her do the talking. What's that, Billy? Oh, shove it in there. Shove the mic right in that hairy hole. Wow, let's get the next shirt on before he has an orgasm.

And we're back with our supermodel, Adam Ray. You can almost see him strutting down the catwalk. with a shirt that was made by a fan. I love it. And so I want to put it back into circulation. I wore it once on the show. It's the cast of Half-Baked. And maybe one of you is going to get this.

I'm going to let you put a price on this one. Well, look, you can't put a price on a shirt that is iconic. From a movie that stands alone that stands to test the time, half-baked. I've said it before. I've said it to you privately and publicly. It's one of my favorite movies of all time. I'd like to quickly do a round robin of impersonating every character in this movie

This is This is Here's Jim Brewer in the movie Yeah Oh man Here's Give me Shit, what's his name?

Dave Chappelle Nope Gwaremo Here's Guirmo Here's Guirmo Here's the horse Buttercup is his name And then

Yeah go Yeah go save me get me out of jail no more window love I can do that impression really good too by the way You're really good And then

Chappelle And then Chappelle And then Chappelle Fuck what's one of Chappelle's great lines From that movie Oh Oh

Oh Oh Oh Mary Jane I love you Mary Jane Doctor says I got a baggie out of me Right?

Yeah There you go Yeah Dude that you By doing that you just added $600. I was going to come in of $1,500. You added $2,100.

Oof. Yeah. You nailed it. The shirt is comfy. It feels good. It feels like the fabric was not made by a child. It could be made by somebody who has a kid, but it feels like it was made with a lot of love and a lot of care and a lot of seasoned fingers, right?

Yeah. And it really just, you know, green is, I think, it's everywhere. one's color. Green is the scene, yeah. Green is the scene. Grease is the word. And I think half-baked is the shirt that you need. So go dip into Grandma's piggy bank, whatever you call her underwear, and grab a fistful of quarters or a couple of milk duds and go down. Or even her vibrator. Even her vibrator. And go down to the local pawn shop or the rub and tug and see if you can trade it for a couple of juju bees and some Jewish bees and see if you can get enough money to come back, get online, and for how much

again? Well, it was 2,100, but I also want to throw it out to our international community. We can't forget. The French Frank, the chameise on the bon, with the, in the

fenetre, mose, le papillon, the an anna, gravitas, to the beaker de la hafa. And to add on to that, redidouille, a begette and uh junkler van dam

and that just knocked off $400 so we're down to $1,600 for that shirt uh folks we got two more let's get our hot model our hot beef get her changed to him him changed up and uh we'll we'll be right back Oh, folks, we are back with the first ever Harland Highway fashion show, the hot sizzling mott.

And again, your eyes, you've got these almond-shaped eyes right on the edge of trans. Yeah, thank you. Unbelievable. Thank you. And what's great about my eyes is that they don't match the drapes, but you know what does? My love for this shirt.

Yeah. And this is a shirt that again... Pull it up a little so we can see it. Oh, yeah. The Simpsons. Thank you, Lord. I mean, look, everyone has given thanks. Everyone has given blood.

Everyone has received come. There's something. Who was that last part? There's everyone, there will be blood. There will be blood. Daniel Day Lewis, you know, a circle gets a square. You know, this is the time to look in the mirror and say, how many yellow shirts do I own? Yeah.

I used to have a white shirt. then I went to the public pool and, you know, too many kids you know, emptied the floodgates and now I'm swimming a piss creek without a paddle. But this shirt has two of the most underrated television characters of all time.

Simpsons. Simpsons. One of the all-time great shows. But what is this? Laverne and Shirley. Who are these kids again? That's Rod and Todd, I think. Rod and Todd, shout out. Rod and Todd, shout out.

Rod and Todd obviously have the famous catchphrase. Thank you, Lord. They also have... Thank you, Lord. And they also have... Eat My Penus. Yep. And Eat My Penus is not a shirt that you can buy today, but you can buy the thank you, Lord.

It's assumed, Eat My Penis is, you know, it's the antithesis to eat my Lord. Or thank my Lord. Thank my penis, eat my Lord. This is the benefit of this shirt. It's a dealer's choice, you know, no doubt, no doubt about it. You know, two rose one cup. This bangorang, Captain Hook, up down, turnaround, chocolate chip, double dip. This is...

It's a beauty, and I'm going to price this one in the voice of Homer Simpson. Oh, this shirt is worth at least $3,000, stupid shirt. No! Homer, we don't have enough money to buy that shirt. Oh, Marge, I think we have enough. We don't have to buy it. They can buy it. No, let me help you, Mark.

Hey, Homer, you got enough money for the... You got enough money for me to get a beer with that shirt? Keep going, I'm fixing the line. Hey, uh, hey, other Simpsons guy. Yeah, that shirt doesn't look like it would be something I would wear at my store. But maybe, uh, maybe come back in another, in another couple hours. Oh, that shirt looks very good on you, Homer Simpson. I'm a clown.

Yeah, uh, homie the clown. Custy the clown. Custy the clown. Who else? Oh, stupid grusty. Chief Wiggum here? Oh, yeah. It burns like tinkle.

Yes, excellent. Yes. Release the shirt. You get all of these voices and this shirt if you buy right now. What's the price model? Well, look, it is beef week. Yeah. And so since, you know, Harlan has wrapped his beefiest shirt and his beefiest friend,

I think there's only one price. for this shirt. What? There we go. I don't say this too often, but there's shirts that don't come around like this every day. So you could go to your local Sesame Street and shave Big Bird and, you know, go get Rob and Todd and eat my penis and put this together yourself. Or you could dip deep down into the depths of Harlan's closet and pick up this bad boy for. the actual retail price of $3,300.

Why do I say $33? That was Larry Bird's number, a bird of a different color, big bird, yellow, piss, eat my penis, $3,300. Oh, stupid birds. So, there it is. Yeah, pretty fair.

I think, and that's universal. That's Antarctica. Yeah. Well, for our friends in Antarctica. Oh, do you have any global countries you want to give a shout out to? Do you speak any languages? Yes.

Oh, what do you got? So, um, for all my friends, friends in Italy. Oh, here we go. All my Italian friends. Arrivederci, Stanley Tucci, a chef boy, Radi. So. Do!

There it is, folks. And now we're down to our last shirt model. Go and get changed. All right. I'll be right back. And we'll get our final shirt. I'm wearing my skims right now. My skims, my underpants.

I normally don't tell people about my underpants, but I'm wearing. My skims. I feel loose. I feel free. I feel like I could ride a horse. I feel like I could ride a hippopotamus. I feel like I could ride. I was going to say the Eiffel Tower, but that's not right. Javs your skims yet, ladies and gentlemen. They're going to be your favorite undies. These things are relaxing, cotton, brief underwear. I'm just loving wear on them. And try them. You've got to try them. Try something different. Challenge yourself, challenge your area to something fresh and new and light, underwear for men. You're going to love the classic fit, the classic feel, and this is a sweet, sweet cotton brief. So you're going to feel soft like a cloud floating around at a candy floss festival. Shop skimsmen's at skims.com. Let them know that I sent you, and after you place your order, select podcast in the survey and select my show in the drop-down menu that follows.

Don't cheat your nether regions. Treat your nether regions with skims. Woo-hoo. My mama said, life is just a box of old t-shirts. You never know what you're going to get. Yeah, there it is. Gump happy face shirt Do you do any Forrest Gump?

I do the end of the movie when Robin Wright-Pen tells Forrest when Jenny tells Forrest that she's got HIV, which by the way, spoiler alert. The movie's been out for 40 years. If you haven't seen it, Jenny gets AIDS and...

Jenny gets AIDS. And dies. She fucks for us. Forrest while she has AIDS and then dies, so we'll fuck up. But she tells Forrest at the end of the movie when he meets Haley Joel Osmond, and Haley Joel Osmond's like, I see dead people. Yeah. Cut, different movie.

Yeah. And then they started up again, and Forrest goes, he's the most beautiful kid I've ever seen. And she goes, and he's watching Sesame Street, and she goes, his name's Forrest. And he goes, well, that's my name. But wait, is he me? Am I him? What's going on right now, Jenny? You said we're appeasing cares, bitch.

And then she goes, remember when you... remember when you were going to do it on my back and i should do it inside me and he goes i do that was it was you were very bossy jenny but i but i appreciated it well that a couple of the sperm made it into the a i don't know how babies work but it went all the it's your swimmer's swim you had the michael phelps of jizz and he got all the way up inside into that egg we flipped it over put it on the griller now it's being served at denny's but i went down had a couple bite of it and it tasted just like you. No!

Sorry, that was the wrong one. Dude, that, I didn't think this fashion show would get emotional. That's the sound got made when he... When he achieved. Jenny, Jenny, Jenny. I don't think I'd ever want to be on the receiving end of anyone who says, I've achieved. Yeah. And that's to let you know that it's your turn.

Especially if you're Elon Musk, because he's achieved a lot. Wow. So this shirt is when Gump, man, he had his midlife crisis, but also his, you know, his, his next chapter thesis. Yeah. Right? This was his Ben and Jerry's without the Jerry's. This was his cream of the corn without the children of the corn. This was his, this was his Elmer Fudd without the Fudd.

Yeah. This was his lockdown, Big Doc Dong, what is it? Yeah, Ling Doc, Doc. Lingdaq-dong without the... This was Inspector Gadget without the Go-Go-Gadgette-Cock ring. This is the Forrest Gump smiley face. He's running. He doesn't stop running.

He's got one pair of shoes. He's got two pairs of eyes. One's on the hill watching the fat guy, 69, the bucket of KFC. And this guy... The way you put things. This is the shirt that only can be sold at the Smithsonian, where they've got the Mrs. Doubtfire, you know,

pocket pussy and they've got the Sylvester Stallone Sevestor Stallone Catchio Pepe They've got the Olive Garden Order from Rocky and Rocky 3

But you can also get The Forest Gump's Smiley Face shirt Right now Just for you It's only on sale for you And your loved ones right now For the hot gumpy Bubba shrimp price

Of Gary Seneas's Anal Beads Which normally would go for 6K, but today, on today's show, because they're being rocked by hot juey beef, they're going for $4,500.

And if I could just encapsulate everything he just said, Jenny, Jenny, Jenny, Dhow! We're using that take. Wow. Using that take. So. What more time

on that price? $4,500. And I know that feels a little steep, but the holidays are coming up around the corner and WWGD, what would Gump to he'd buy the shirt just so he could wear it at jenny's funeral yeah god so here lies aides no oh buddy well thank you what a what a run i can't believe you're so generous to give these shirts up so much so much um well you know we're not i'm not even joking around of course the prices were kind of goofed around but here's what we'd like to do because oh those are the real prices

we do podcasts it's all about creativity sure we know a lot of the people who watch our podcasts are super creative, they're artists, their musicians. So what we're going to do, I think we had five different shirts on this beautiful slab of meat. And what we're going to do is why don't you guys send an

email or a drawing or a photo or a song to our website at gmail.com. We can't give a shirt to everyone, but we'll pick the most creative thing and we'll do a trade. I love that. You send in something creative. You'll

tell us which shirt you like you might not get it because we got a lot of people but we'll we'll pick five out of the group and we'll send we'll mail the shirt out to you as a little we'll call it a creative swap rather than just giving them to the goodwill one of the most generous thoughtful guys on the

planet and again just to run it down we got the frog shirt we've got eat my penis Simpson twins we've got Archie we've got Archie we've got the Billy Jean King's brisket sandwich which the Arizona own a special, as they call it.

We've got the Gump Smiley and... Half-Baked. And the half-baked. But wait, is there a twist to the frog one, maybe? Because how do we pay our models? We've got to pay our models with something. How do we pay the beef? Well, look, I was told that there wouldn't be any slave labor on today's show.

But seeing as how I do, do a few voices, I think if I'm going to be paid and I'm going to be paid in shirts, and you said I could select one shirt to take home with me. We got to. And play with my wife with. It would be the frog shirt because I love the Muppets, big Kermit guys. So I will do an impression of Kermit the Frog finding out that I took the shirt that Kermit wanted from the Harlan Highway podcast. Let's say you were saving it for Kermit and you call him to tell him that he no longer will be the recipient of this shirt because Adam gets the shirt instead. Hang on.

So I'm calling Kermit. You're calling Kermie out. Lucky I have his number, by the way. Piggy, I said I don't want soup for dinner. Well, maybe if you quit being such a fucking bitch. Hello, Kermit? Oh, hello. Hey, hey, hey, it's Harland.

Oh, hey, Harland. How's it going? Uh, good-ish. Oh, it sounds like you're on some sort of a... Sounds like you're sitting on something. Well, I'm sitting on a bit of bad news, Kermie. Oh, way to twist that into some positivity. Well, you know that shirt you wanted with the frogs and the toads?

And I said I kind of... Yeah, the frog shirt with all my ancestors and relatives on it. The one you said you were holding for me. The one that you said you wouldn't give to anybody. Yeah. The one that you said you were... Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, that one. What about it? Kerms? Yeah? Kermy. There's better not be bad news. I can't handle more bad news. Piggy just told me she's got gonorrhea,

and she's cheating on me with Fazi and Animal. Special K. She's also, yes, she also lost both of her legs in a stripper accident. Kerm. Horror. Focus. I'm giving your shirt. Away to a friend.

My buddy comedian Adam Ray. There I said it. I'm sorry. What about to eat my penis shirt? That's all yours. Because you have that long, groovy tongue. And we've got one more shirt that we haven't put on display here. The Emily Weiss button down.

Is the Diane Weiss button down? Yeah, that's available. I'll take it. Fuck off. Bye. The guy tells Kermit to fuck off. It's about time. Rude.

I dropped my head gear. I got so excited. Sound like my prom date. Oh, buddy. That was good. That was great. Feeling good? Yeah.

Looking good. And we're giving back. And you are a good looking lad. It feels good to give back. You know, there's a TikTok I saw recently. The guy said he started to buy, we start to buy coffees for the people behind him at Starbucks. He goes, just to pay it forward. and that's what we're doing with these shirts.

Just giving them away. But again, there's a two-way street. So get creative, get thoughtful. You can think outside the box like Taco Bell. And it doesn't have to be crazy. Like maybe it's a drawing. It could be AI. It could be your own thing.

It could be a song, a poem, or whatever. And remember, there's only like five shirts. So we're going to get a lot of people. So whoever wins them wins them, but it'll just be fun. There's only one, you know, there is only one. way to eat a Reese's and shove it up your ass but there but there is there's multiple ways to win a shirt

yeah you know and only you can prevent forest fires right and can I thank you for being our model for being so beautiful for being a glazed hunk of boiled meat angel angel hair pasta

wise we're wheezed we sorry god how many times you think that's happened in her career Diane Weist? Yeah. Weist.

They're never going to... How famous do I have to get? The wicked weiss of the West. The wicked weas to the West. The wicked yeast of the weas. Buddy, we're down to our final say, thank you for that. That was so helpful. And we went all over the world with that.

That was global. You know, the Italians? Good for you. Stan Litucci. Disney's Epcot Center thinks they have... They've cornered the market on going around the world. No, no, no. But here at the Harlan Highway, we see a...

We see everybody, we hear everybody, and we're going everywhere. You know, we're not just, you know that movie, everything, everywhere all at once, which is also David Lucas's Uber Eats order, but it's shout out to David Lucas. When we get together, we like to poke fun. Yeah. Also, just to poke yeast. Whatever that means. Diane Yeast.

All right. This is our easy guy. Easy Craw, Dad. God. Settle down with your little niblins. This is words from a wooden shoe Random words in here You pull one out

See if it triggers a story From your journey in life, Adam, right? Anything you want? Go deep to the front of the shoe Because that's where all the funds are Yeah, that's where the fungus is What do you got? Public restroom

Okay, any wild story Or something happened to you Or someone you know In a public restroom Some time in your life? I've got one Okay And it's a pretty good one.

All right. Love it. I am at a Ralph's grocery store. Shout out to Ralph's. Grocery store in Southern California. Nice, hearty grocery store chain. Let's say, you know, I don't know where it falls. I grew up with Albertsons and Safeway up in the Pacific Northwest.

Robertsons to the Spanish. But Ralph's, not to be confused with King Ralph, the John Goodman film. Yeah, yeah. But it is a grocery store that is fine. I think everyone goes, yeah, they got food. Ralph's, we got food as their slogan. They've also got public restrooms. And I wouldn't say they're clean.

I wouldn't say they're even useful. I would say sometimes you should just poop your pants than use a Ralph's bathroom. Yeah. I digress. One day, I couldn't hold it. And sometimes nature hits, nature calls, and you better pick up the phone. Don't just, don't send them to voicemail

because you might end up with diarrhea in the frozen food aisle. Who are you going to call loaf busters? Well, you better hope Diane Weist is around and working the night shift, and she brought two mops, two mops, one cup. So I'm sitting there, standing there, looking to sit, and I'm running like Carl Lewis on the, on the 405 freeway, yeah.

And I'm slipping and sliding and sliding, and slipping. and I just, you know, Dwayne Reed right into this bathroom stall. Wow. And things were looking good. Didn't have time to lock the bathroom. No. Stoll had no door on it.

Hey, stallhead, stay with me. No door on it. Wow, no door on it. I'm sitting in this Judy Blume novel and in comes Raoul Julia and the rest of the fucking Adam's family cash. No, it was a guy that looked like looked like a guy that was about to brush his teeth,

shower, and do heroin in the bathroom. And he bursts in. Wow. And he comes right towards the stall. And I'd never had someone bust in on me going to the bathroom before. You know how you are when you're pooping? You're vulnerable. You're in your own head.

Like, I haven't seen an orange julius in a while. You're space it out. You're the most vulnerable. You're the most vulnerable. You're sitting down, hopefully, and your pants are down, ideally. And this guy burst in, and I literally out loud hear myself go, no, please don't. And I was like, oof, never heard myself react like that.

Not, I'm a grown man. Yeah. I'm 34. This is Bad News Bears, Table for One. I just sounded like golem. You're like, no, please do you. And the guy was looking at me like, like, I, like, he looked at me like, whoa. And I was like, well, don't act like I shouldn't be here.

And he was like, take it easy. And then he ran out, scurried out, you know, Fibble somewhere, Fival goes west, you know, west, weist goes east. And he, he HPVed right out of that cookie aisle into the, into the abyss, never to be seen again. I finished cleaning up. I get out of the bathroom. This is where the story gets good. Now I'm going to do my shopping. Because I entered being like, I got to go.

Something wasn't sitting right. You know, whether it was the Chipotle or the divorce as a kid, something wasn't sitting right. And some days, your body's just like, stay close by. Yeah. Because round two is, you know, airbud, the sequel is about to, you know, you saw the dog play basketball. Well, guess what? But now he just made the soccer team. Yeah.

Now he's playing in your underpants. Yeah. So I start shopping. I'm getting some of the home goods. Some of the, you know, some of the, you know, some frozen nuggets. Yeah. You can still say that, I think. Yeah, you can.

And oops-a-dazzy. It's go time again. This is about 15, 20 minutes later. I don't like to be the grocery store for too long. I don't like to tell stories about the grocery store for too long. Yeah. I'm doing both those right now. But wait, you did a double loaf?

So I'm heading back. Oh, wow. I get a little sign from, you know, the man above. Yeah. And he's like, hey, man, good thing you know where to go. Good thing you know the way to Sesame Street because, you know, cookie monster is about to give a speech. Not cookie monster.

Sounds like snuffaloffigis was about to drop out. Well, whoever was running Mr. Hooper store that day, you know, was wearing an apron. So I walk back, pretty much. I walk back. Run back. Oh. And guess what I see this time? This is pretty much like the crackhead bursting in on me.

I burst in on, again, no door on the stall. And he's in there? He was? Yeah. Yeah. Guys in there just full, I mean, just, just, I don't even know if you could call it pooping what was happening. Pooping, he had like, this is where it gets kind of sad. He was wrapping up to, like, shoot up.

Oh. Oh, and here's a fun little fact I didn't say. Ready? Say it with me. Hey, was he wearing clothes? No! No! Yeah.

So buck naked, shooting up and pooping out. Oh, wow. No clothes. No door on the stall. No girls allowed. You know, every sign was up. Every filter was on. And meanwhile, you're standing there, you got to go again.

Yeah. So now I'm like, well, he spread his legs and I went in between them. Paper or plastic. Paper plastic. He spread his legs I went in between them Oh wow We used it for one flush

And we saved water A Chinese duchy they call that Yeah yeah yeah Wow Yeah so let that be a lesson To you kids out there When you think you can't You can't

You can't You gotta believe in yourself Because the end of day Life is all about what Weiss Whether it's wice or weist West or east Up or down

AB left right Select start There's only one way to eat a race A recess Or a races Depending on where you get your meat from

but if you're in the frozen foods or the hot beef section hey man a crackhead's got a shit too and who said that Albert Einstein good out everybody ladies and gentlemen

Adam Ray buddy you have a special coming out you've got a comedy tour you got Dr. Phil you got all your library of characters tell them folks where they can see you and about your special and all that stuff.

Guys, you can see me on my ring cam from 4 to 8 p.m. every night doing the macarena. But if you want to see me live, Adam Raycommy.com for tickets. I have a fall tour that is up and running. We've got Charlotte.

We've got Kansas City. We've got Baltimore. We've got Spokane, San Antonio, Fort Worth. Big theater show in Seattle, December 19th at the Moore Theater. Last Dr. Phil Live is December 16th at the Wiltern Theater. You may see your boy Har there.

You may see some crazy special. It's the last Phil show ever, the Wiltern Theater, Los Angeles, California, December 16th. Tickets for that at Adamraycomby. But the big announcement is that my first theater tour is on sale now.

January through April of 2026. Wow. We're hitting all new cities. We're hitting all new states, all new hour before I shoot my special in 2026. All these tickets at Adamraycomy. So come out to see me at a comedy club this fall

or a theater in 20206. All the Dr. Phil Lives are at YouTube.com slash Adam Ray Comedy. Go back and watch Harlan. He's been on it multiple times. I love it. Toronto, Oregon, L.A. and maybe at the Wiltern on December 16th. And of course, as Phil always says, only do drugs with fun people. Stop drop and roll. Wake up with the sun, go to bed with the moon. And if you find yourself confused and alone in the shower, and this is for dying weist. Shave your head, you're back, your pussy, and your crack. We'll be right back.

Buddy, before you go, why are you retiring Dr. Phil? It's a personal question, Harrow. But check out my Billy Jean King, Brue. Brisket sandwich at Harlan Highway. No. Phil, it's time to focus on me and some new characters. Oh, good, yeah. But we can always bring them back out. You can always bring them back. People will be, like, jacked.

You put them away for a bit, and then people go nuts. It's a good idea. We had a good run. Two years was a good run. Two years already. Doing Phil and my own stand-up at the same time was a lot, and now I just want to put all the eggs in that past. But I'm still, there's other characters I'm playing around with.

I got this Bruce Robbins mentalist character. and Jeremy and Elaine I'm still fucking around with but and maybe at Tony again we'll see hardly even had me on the podcast

unbelievable Wow and I never will We're really doing it red band Folks Adam Ray Check out his tour Check out his special

He's killing it And check out next year I know we're a bit ahead of the curve But they can get tickets Already for 26 Adamraycomedy.com. Check it out. Check them out. Check them out. Check me out.

Check yourself out. Hide your kids. Hide your wives. And don't go into the Rouse bathroom unless there's a door. Who said that? Lice. Or weas. I don't care.

Edit it out. Folks, that's it for today. Thanks for being here. Check out Adam Ray. And until next time, chicken chow main, baby. Hey, everybody. How would you like your very own personal video message from me, yours truly.

It's your birthday, it's your anniversary, it's your graduation, or you just want me to make you laugh. You get to pick the topic, you want me to discuss, give me some talking points, and off we go. You can get it for yourself or get it for a friend. It's super easy and fun. Just go to the Cameo app on your phone or to Cameo.com. And I record a custom video made just for you or your loved one.

Your very own personalized Harland.