The Harland Highway - ADAM RAY is having a baby in the hospital and on an airplane! Each birth its own amazing story!!

Episode Date: September 1, 2026

WINGMAN is out now on Gumroad, Apple TV and Amazon Prime! GUMROAD- https://thewingman.gumroad.com/l/ WINGMAN APPLE TV- https://tv.apple.com/us/movie/wingman/umc.cmc.nfzru25awp5jnendhudhjw9tThis episode is sponsored by CashApp. Download Cash App Today: https://click.cash.app/ui6m/7o7jwwlk #CashAppPod. Thanks for watching the Harland Highway. More Harland Williams: Harland Highway Podcast Video: https://www.youtube.com/c/HarlandHighwayPodcast Harland Highway Podcast Audio: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-harland-highway/id321980603 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/harlandwilliams Harbling Shirts: https://www.harbling.com Official Website: https://www.harlandwilliams.com Twitter :https://twitter.com/harlandhighway?lang=en More Adam Ray: Website: https://adamraycomedy.com/ Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/adamraycomedy/?hl=en X:https://x.com/adamraycomedy?lang=en #podcast #harlandwilliams Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, gang, a quick little announcement before we get started with today's wild, wacky episodes. I want to let you know about a project I've been working on in the background with some very, very talented buddies of mine. It's an animated series that we are just starting to expose to the world. And it's all done in AI, whether you like AI or you don't like AI. I think you're going to like this show. I think you're going to like the message. that the show sends. It's called the ArtVengers.

And it's about a group, a nutty, artistic neighborhood kids who, in each episode, somehow save the world using their art skills. So instead of having a world full of superheroes with laser guns and hammers and rockets

and shields, and we actually have a group of superheroes who are using their God-givis talents, their artistic ability to solve problems and save the world. And the reason I mentioned it's been done in AI is because this is a show that was pitched around Hollywood several years ago and rejected. And to be honest, without the use of AI, this show probably would have gone to its grave with me. And my buddies who are helping to make it with me. And my buddies who are helping to make it with me. And so we're hoping that this show has a new life using AI and I hope it inspires a whole

future generation of artistic kids from all walks of life. So I hope you like it. Check it out ArtVengers at ArtVentersworld.com. Okay, it's right here on the thing, artvangersworld.com. And you can visit the website, and that'll lead you to the YouTube channel, where you can watch the first episode of the show and a little teaser trailer about the show. And we're super excited about it. So we hope you subscribe to the YouTube channel.

We're currently working on more episodes with these crazy characters. And thank you for listening, and I hope you enjoy the ArtVengers at ArtVengersworld.com. And now let's get to the show. Now I have to poo while we're landing. And imagine if you're plopping a log right when the wheels hit the tarmac where you get that big jolt, and then the fucking log bounces right back up your arse. You read my diary. I read your diarrhea.

We'll be right back. place. Take you to an elephant's uter. There's no need for PayPal. The journey's free. Yeah, of course. That's a fun thing to talk about. You don't have to text me. I'm right here. Just say it to my face, man. Say it don't spray it. I want the news, not the weather. Did you ever use that? Well, I don't understand we're right here and you just text to me. Hey, Hart, when are we starting? And I'm right here. Why didn't you just ask me? Some things are just better left unsaid. starting. Well, starting now, I guess. Wait, I'll let me text you back. Is that the face you're going to go with? Because we can take a break and you can get a new face.

By the way, tell your mom thanks for the nudes. I mean, you're dead. Ready to go? Let's do it. Oh, man. God. Suck my silicon injections. What's the matter with you? That's my high school euber quote. Was it? Yeah, yeah. Suck my silicon. on injections. Everybody was putting like, hey, thanks for the memories. Yeah. Mom and Dad. Thanks. Hey, you know, basketball one through four. No, just hit him with a catchphrase and move on to college. You know what mine was? I actually remember it when I graduated. I had a thing your, I think it said your ambition. Yeah. And I'm not even joking. I said to create the

world's first nuclear powered rice crispy square. It was just like, no, you did. Yeah, I did. That's somewhere. I'll see if I can dig that up. Oh, my God. Imagine the kids leafing through that. The faculty probably weren't surprised, right? This was consistent with who you were. I think so. Yeah. There's got to be some of them out there, though. Some of the teachers may be, you know, in the upper stages of life that are like,

I wonder if Hartland figured out that Rice Krispy thing yet. He always wanted to do that. He always wanted a nuclear one. The gasoline-powered ones just weren't for him. And then they die. Larry? Larry. I'm their last thought.

Shuck my silico barge. Buddy, welcome. Let's get you introed in here so we can start. Ladies and gentlemen, now that's right. I guarantee you on the Halle Highway Hobbit.

And my bud, my sweet, tender bud, Adam Ray is back. How are you, my guy? So good, man. Feeling good. Good to see you. Feeling fresh, you know, came wearing shorts for the first time in a while.

I used to be a big shorts guy. Oh. I know your audience is already probably clicking off because you start with a short story. Yeah. You know, it's, they're like, it's probably going to be a long story, you know? Yeah. But I usually wear pants, but it's hot to trot outside. Yeah.

We're in the upper 90s of the L.A. summer heat. Yeah. And I said, let's cool things down on the inside and on the outside. Yeah. Let's go. Let's walk the calves. Immediately I walk in, I get a compliment on my calves. And then you look down and you go, buddy, are these new shorts, buddy?

And I go, yeah, they are. Thank God my wife had reminded me to take the tag off before I entered Harlan's house. Little did I know there was a tag on the back. You want to show them? There's your camera over there. That's the wide shot. There it is. Do you want to rip it off like on camera?

Go for it. Three, two, rip. Oh, can I read it? You never, because on mattresses, if you rip a tag off a mattress, apparently you're going to jail. What? Yeah, apparently it's illegal.

You can't rip. Even if you bought the mattress? Yeah. Crafted from premium four-way stretch fabrics, which is a sexual position. Yes, a four-way. The four-way, yeah. So your shorts are crafted from four-way stretch fabric.

So there was a gang bang happening at the department store where these shorts were made. So they stress tested the fabric while four people were going at it. Everyone was swapping juices. Doug was inside a Corinne. Corinne was inside of Billy. And at the end of the day, they produced a pair of short pants for me to do that. And they even made a little logo. Look at this.

You can see that says four-way stretch. That's kind of sexual. Yeah. Well, most clothes can be sexual if you have a pair of scissors. That's a big tag. Yeah, it's too big. That's too big. It's too big.

This is why I don't even like, you know, I don't like the stuff. You know, like the brands, the names. I've never been into that, you know. Like, I think you could technically repair a punctured air mattress with this. Yes. That's pretty much an air mattress repair kit patch right there. That's a band-aid for somebody with a giant ariola. Yeah.

Yeah, that's too big. That's too big a tag. Yeah. That's almost a pair of shorts you can make for a baby. Yeah. With this. Yes. I, uh, you know, I wear my heart on my sleeve and my tags on my shorts.

Who said that? Oh, don't tell me. I wear my tag on my sleeves. My heart on my sleeve and my tag on my shorts. Uh, don't tell, I know it. I know it. Don't tell me. Adam Ray.

Close. Oh. It's a singer. Oh, that's for real? Yeah. That's a real quote. Say it again? Singer.

Country singer, big boobs. Who do you think of? Dolly? Yeah. What was the quote? I wear my heart on my sleeve and my tag on my shorts. Huh. Wear my heart on my sleeve and my tag on my shorts.

We got you. Guys, come on out. Harlan, you're on my new prank show called Fuck you. Whoa. Have I been fucked? Wow. Unbelievable. I always thought that was a weird saying I wear my heart on my sleeve.

I know. Like, it's sort of like morbid. Yeah, it is. Like imagine. a pumping heart on your on your arm wear your heart in your chest yeah what do you need a it's also it's also a little narcissistic to be like look at my heart yeah yeah yeah yeah i like that better i wear my heart in my chest yeah and my tag on my shorts yeah i wear my veins on my arm that'd be weird yeah i wear my liver on my throat i don't know yeah yeah what's your favorite what's your favorite organ i think i like the

Woolitzer? Yeah. Where do they make those? I think in Germany. Four-way stretch? Five-way. Fast difference. Yeah, that's an stretch and yum-yam-dus vundelbache.

I didn't know any German. I went with vast deference, but you actually participated in the language. I know a little. So, buddy, you know, we're getting into your marriage. Is it the wedding a few years back? Unbelievable. You've graduated to the house. Yep.

Before we go deeper into the marriage, are you like a handyman guy? Like, are you, now that you have a house, are you... No. Never have been, never will be. I mean, yes, there are things that I have... I mean, look, if you want me to kill a spider, yeah, I'm your guy.

If you want me to take the trash out, I already did it, you know? But if we're talking like, I mean, and changing bulbs and, you know, putting, you know, blinds, fixing the blind, whatever. Okay. But if you want me to like put like a bed together, why don't we just save us all?

Yeah. The heartache. And let's get somebody over here who puts beds together, who wears their heart in their chest. Who wears their IKEA on their sleeve? Yeah, yeah. Wait, so you're not a drywall guy. No.

You're not an electrician. My wife's dad, construction, plumber, like, you know, he's Tim Allen. Oh, wow. He's done it all, seen it all. You know, so, you know, he came over to our last place before we sold it to fix everything up. Whoa. You know, fix it, the dishwasher and the showers and re-cock and re-titty twist and just, he painted and fudged and fenced and finessed Mitchell and did everything.

He did everything to make it, you know, up to standards. Wow. So she has downloaded some of those ideas. But you don't do any of it. No. Nothing. No. I mean, look, push comes to shove and shove comes to push.

I'll figure it out. Does she ever sort of nudge you on it? No. Does she ever go, hey, honey? I'm doing plenty. And she knows what she got into. Yeah. She didn't marry me for my hand.

She married me for my tongue. Who said that? That would have been my priest. How did you know about God? That is tonight's Doritos, Joke of the Night. Yellow, followed by green and yellow. Look at this, buddy. Speaking of tools.

Yikes, if you pulled out a dildo. Well, close. That was a dildo in the 18th century. Yeah, this is a pioneer village, butter churn and dildo stack. What, have you ever, like, what is this? Is this for someone who has screw phobia? Like, yeah, let me get that screw over there nine feet away.

Yeah. Like, what is this? That's if you're on a submarine and the Teton Shot guy's not around. Yeah. That's wild. That, I don't, yeah, that's a tightrope walk for a mouse or... Yeah, well, why? Why is someone got to be so far away from a screw with this thing?

That feels like, what is it? It's like a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, uh, it's, uh, you're, uh, right? Wow. Wow. Yeah. Yeah. I feel like, wow. Yeah. Yeah.

What can you do? But this is, it's very Harry Potter. It almost feels something more like a wand. It is very wandy or your, uh, John Williams. Conductor, yeah. If you're a conductor, but you're a conductor with a little bit of road rage. Yeah. And by road rage, I mean just regular rage.

But it's more prevalent on the road. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But you're like, they call you Randy Rage, right? Even though your name's like Randy Jackson and you're always having to correct people go, it's not. And people are always going like, you're the man now, dog. And you go, it's not, I'm not named after the guy from American Idol. Okay, I'm older than him, than him, in fact. But I just, I get, I'm an angry guy, okay, life stressful.

And life's, come on. And so he's always, you know, just get, he's conducting people, but he has this one. that's got a little bit of pointy sharpness at the end, right? So that if you fucking, you miss that flute solo, Randy's just fucking, Randy's just, I don't know if he's even faking it or if he's just going right to the, it's long enough so that he, he doesn't have to, it's not a threat. It's not one of these.

He's just fucking, your eye is gone. He's poking, he's twisting, and then he's pulling up like this, and then he flicks it behind him, like fucking Jeff Daniels tossing the salt and dumb and dumber behind him. He flicks the eye behind him, right? And it goes right back to Fairleys. That might have been. the best long screwdriver rant I've ever seen in my life.

I mean, I've seen a few, but that might be the best 12-inch screwdriver rant I've ever experienced. Twelve inches take me to dinner first. Hello, Carol Channing. Broadway just shut down the lights. Wow. Oh, my God. Broadway just shut down the lights.

The whole streets, no, there's every show closed. the same night, including her legs. Wow. Spread Eagle Channing. Dude. No, that one's still open, actually. I couldn't believe how long you ranted on this. Yeah.

Hey, dude, it's... Wow. Just like the screwdriver, you know, it's, you know... Taking care of the nuts. Yeah. Wow. That was an unbelievable long screwdriver rant. Yeah.

Wow. You know? So, okay, so that's not a... Because sometimes, when you have a woman and you got the hubby and you got the home. Yeah. And this isn't anything about you. This is a general statement.

Sometimes the woman thinks the partner is more manly. Yes. When they are able to do like the repairs and the, you know, the craftsmanship and all that. Has that ever been a point of contention or has she ever brought that up? No. Again, I think I make what I lack in the handy. man department I make up for in the kindness, generosity, funny, you know, hopefully, you know, hopefully, you know, you know, in the, you know, bedroom department as well, you know.

Oh yeah, there's always the handyman role playing. Exactly. Yeah. So maybe I can, you know, yeah, exactly. That might. So if I think if she ever wants me to dress up as a handyman, I'll know that it's time for to figure that out in real life, you know, because now I'll know it's a fantasy. Would you... That somebody can fix the fence and fix her lack of orgasms. Would you have the courage... Go, yeah, yeah, yeah.

To have an honest question with her and ask her if it was a factor. Like, would you go, hey, babe... Yeah, for sure. Does the fact that I don't really know how to do any kind of handywork... I'll call it right now if you want. I would love that. Great. I think that's a great.

and I'm not trying to expose you for anything like, but I'm just curious. Let's get her on the phone. I'm curious if that's a thing with women, because there's a lot of women that say they don't like a man that can't change a tire. Can you change a tire? Yes. Okay.

Ask her about that as a follow-up. Great. Now, have I changed a tire? No. You will. Speaking of handy, man. Speaking of handy, man, why isn't she answering the phone?

No. What's going on? I'm not going to check the cams. I'm just going to trust that everything's okay. Jesus, Christina. You're not getting any work done at the house right now, are you? Babe, pick up. She picked up somebody, it sounds like.

She works at Home Depot this morning. What, in the name of spilt grass seed? Oh, God, please don't. A second call. If some guy answers, hello? Hi, who's it? Jerry, who's this? You don't want to know who this is.

All right, I'm going to leave it on and maybe she'll call us back, right? Yeah, leave it on. Okay. Okay, but let's get back. While we're waiting, let's have the change the tire discussion. Okay, yeah. That is, I've done it once, but it was in high school, and I haven't done it since. Oh, really?

So I know that's something that needs to be. I think it's almost like taking a CPR class. You got to re-up. You got to re-up every so, you know, many years, just to make sure that you have that in your repertoire, but... What is something then in your marriage, in your world, that in your mind, you may have never discussed it with her, but what's something that when you're doing and you're probably going, she's watching me and this is pretty manly? Like you, you think it's manly. You have an astor, but you kind of just assume she's like, well, that's my man. Yeah. Is there

something? I mean, look, carrying many bags of groceries into the house at once, that's not it. but it is impressive. Yeah. Again, taking care of the spiders. What did I do? I did do something not too long ago where she was like, babe.

Yeah, well, that's what I'm trying to get to? What was it? I mean, we would need her to call back to really get the specifics, getting plowed by some sort of window washer. Guess this isn't the only 12 inches moving around today. Scotty screw over here.

What the hell? Why isn't she answering? Yeah, yeah. I don't know. This is for, and why is my phone lighting up? Hey a minute. What the?

Are you with Adam? Tell them now's not a good time. Tell them I'm getting my nails done. Oh my God. Hey gang, if you got an alert for every time your teen used their cash app card, what alert do you think you'd get the most often? For all the parents out there with teenagers, we know you're already trying to keep a million different things under control.

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Debit Flex cards issued by Sutton Bank, member FDIC, and the Bank Corp Bank, NA, pursuant to a license from Visa USA, Inc. See terms and conditions for the Sutton prepaid card, Sutton Debit Flex Card, and BankCore Debit Flex Card. Savings provided by Cash App, a Block Inc. brand, visit Cash App slash legal slash podcast for full disclosures. There you go. App it up. Cash app it up. Your wife is the best. I know a million reasons why she loves you. I was at their wedding. Adam is the best. I'm just, I don't know even why I asked you. I guess I wondered because I know you moved into your new home. Yeah. It's a new marriage. A lot of guys don't know how to do this stuff. There are. They excel at other things. So let me ask you this, because I don't want it to look like Adam's a schmuck here for fuck's say. No, yeah.

what is it that where you lack in doing home repairs is something that other guys might not do that you do outside of your comedy skills? Oh yeah. That's, I pride myself in that. I think my glass half full silliness like always, I mean, not to say that I, you know, have friends who aren't comedians that don't keep it light. But I just, I pride myself and I've been like this my whole life that I, um, uh, in anything. relationship, but especially, you know, my marriage, like pride myself in being a source of comfort. And, uh, and when she says take care of you with the tire, I'm doing that with like, you know, I mean, she's, as I mentioned, uh, five months pregnant right now. You didn't mention that.

Oh, yeah. Whoa. Okay. Yeah. So you are a handyman. Yeah. Oh, dude, congrats. Thank you. Is this the first you're telling the world about it? Pretty much. Folks. Guys, breaking news. Adam Rice having a baby. I'm going to be a dad. Going to have a baby child? Yeah. And so like she,

so I was in Florida doing shows last week and she some days are better than others and she just woke up like just after four hours couldn't sleep, restless legs and cramps and was so tired and was just so emotional. And you know, we always miss each other when we're apart. But everything's heightened because of all the hormones

and the just everything that's going on. And so I, you know, comfort her. and kind of saying her to sleep, and she got real emotional that I was even doing that. And she was like, I was, you know, what was it, four in the morning where I was and just woke up and just immediately just tried to.

So I do that all the time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I pride myself in that versus, or even last night, we're, you know, just chatting nonstop. And she, you know, we haven't seen each other for four or five days. And we had a baseball game on in the background. And she just goes, God, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I just, you want to watch the game.

And I'm just chatting too much. I go, babe, I'm never going to be that guy that's like, Hey, I'm more. Watching the game. Can you fuck? It's like I've been gone for five days. And also I love hanging out with her. So we were chatting up and it was,

so I pride myself in the kindness department and the warmth department and the always, if she's in a bad mood. Because I did this when I was younger with like my mom and sister when they would be at each other's throat. So I was always like peer mediating and I always feel like I'm taking care of.

I've been a caregiver, I think, which is why I'm in comedy. Like since I can remember. So I pride myself in being able to lift anyone's spirits. You know, it's why I love comedy so much. We are healers, you know, in a weird way. So whatever I can, so if I can't fucking change the tire,

I'm like, well, you know, somebody can do that way better than me. Yeah. I know can't completely make some, pull somebody out of a hole like I can. Yeah. And I think that's a superpower. I think that's an incredible superpower. And I would go to the audience. Like, would you rather have a guy that could hammer in a new window ledge or make you

happy and put a smile on your, face and comfort you in your time of need. Yes. I'm going with that one. Thank you, me too. Do you want Captain Planet or do you want Patch Adams? Actually, that's a tough. Wow.

Hold on. I put two of the world's most formidable figures. Yeah. Let's start slower. Would you rather have Fred Flintstone or Dr. Fauci? Oh, wow. Let me do impressions of both. Ready?

I'll give you, hear the options. Ready? Here's Fred, screaming for Wilma. Okay. because he thinks she's, he just got home and she, he thinks she's banging Barney. Wow. Wilma!

And here's Fauci screaming Wilma because he's the guy that's banging her and he's about to come. Wilma! So which one of those guys would you rather have? I'm mixed because now that you brought this all together, Fauci looks like Barney Rubble Older Wow So why don't you do Fred again

And I'll do Barney Great Go ahead I was a tough day at work today Can't wait to get me some fruity pebbles I don't think so Fred Barney Hey Fred

What are you doing here I'm down at the bowling alley with Betty Fred No it doesn't It sounds like you're in my kitchen You don't happen to see my 12-inch screwdriver around, do you, Fred? Bonnie. What was this saying? Yab-dab-dab-doo!

I wonder if he yelled that one of your orgasm. He had to. That's where that came from. It probably did. I wonder if Hannah Barbera yelled that. Hannah-Barbera was two people or one person? It was two people. William Hanna and I think in like Bill Barberra or something.

Yeah, Bill Berberra. Bill Barberra. Yeah, Bill Berberra. So maybe one of them. Yeah. Bill DeBer Barberra. Yeah. Yuba d'u!

Some hot Glendale night. Wow. Just yubba d'abba dude. Yeah. And she was like, you should put that in your cartoon. And he goes, I don't pay you to talk. Yikes, yeah. And he talked like Fred.

I don't think so, Fred. Let's take this on the road. Buddy, a baby. A baby, yeah. And you guys were trying for a little bit the last time I talked to you. Ed's, she, there's, you know, man, it is. It's not easy, right? It's just not like sexy time and you have a baby.

You got to, there's an ovulation schedule. I got to go to the clinic and get my swimmers checked. Wow. Which was a weird excursion in and of itself. I walk in, this gal hands me a cup and she's like, all right, jizz, boy, make it quick. And just, I walk into this room and there's a TV and plenty of DVDs and no DVD player. And I'm like, whoop, red flag, kind of an obstacle, right? I poke my head outside.

I go, some guy sees me, he goes, hey, what's up, man? and had recognized me when I walked in, which already made me a little uncomfortable. He goes, big Dr. Phil fan. I go, all right, well, let's try to separate those if we can for just a day. But gracious, whatever, and I go, cool, man. And I go, you're not going to be handling my stuff, are you? And he kind of laughed and didn't say anything.

And I go, all right. So then he goes, do you need anything? And I always make jokes when I'm uncomfortable. If I feel a little bit of tension or just my own need to level the playing field and just be more comfortable in the situation than I am, I make a joke. So he goes, do you need anything? And I go, he goes, you got plenty of options, right?

I go, you guys got every DVD. You got, you know, every flavor. You got black, white, wheelchair, Asian. You got everything. And then he goes, do you need? Wow. And I go, do you need anything else? Anything that we don't have that I can get you?

And again, I'm like, all right, this is a joke time. So I lean in and I go, you guys don't have Airbud 5, do you? And he laughed, but then goes, I knew you were into some weird shit. And I go, oh. No, no, no, no, no. Wow. And now I'm having to defend myself.

You're having a beastiality defense a moment. Yeah, beastiality defense. Great band name. Thank you. We quit in the 90s. You had to. Buddy, of all the places to be recognized, you were recognized at a sperm bank?

Yeah. Oh, God. Yeah. That was the story I was going to take to the grave. But, again, I wear my tag in my shorts. So I thought I'd, I thought, I'd, uh... That is the worst place ever you could be recognized at.

Not great. Because now, like, what do you... Is he did, like, it's... It would have been weird. I guess it could, it could always be weirder. You ask yourself, could it have been weirder. Yeah, he could have asked me to sign the cup. He could have asked me to, you know, hey, can you put one in another cup for my, for my brother, you know?

Or worse, he could have tried to shake your hand. Ooh. You don't want to be shaking some dude's hand at a sperm clinic. Before you're touching... Or after. Yeah. Because if you, if you shake his hand before, because you, because you shake his hand before, because Now his skin cells are getting on your weenie.

And then maybe it's his kid. And then afterwards, who knows what's on his hand? Oh, God. Edward Scissorheads. Who was this guy? Just a random fan? Just a random fan that worked at the sperm bank. He worked there.

Yeah. Oh, I thought it was another guy that was there to make a deposit. Oh, no. He worked there. He worked there. Yeah. Oh, God. Does that change your views on this?

It's still creepy. Yeah. Like, you're going in to do one of the most intimate things ever. No, well, I did it out. He offered if I want to do it in the room. I did it in the lobby. In the lobby, yeah. I'm more, like in stand-up. I'm more comfortable when there's people there. And it's faster. Yeah. Yeah, just debatable. I'm in a rush. Yeah. Totally. Oh, wow. Dude, so the baby, and the baby's coming in five months? We have a due date, I believe, of December 24th right now. A Christmas baby. Yes, which is, it's, you know, and we don't know if we

raised the baby Jewish or not. You can if it's on Christmas. Well, Jesus was a Jew. So you're okay. Who said that? Dolly Parton. Her fourth album. I smell crumble cake. I love that album. It's her on a cross,

but with a bottle of Manashevitz. Yeah, that's right. Wow, the 24th of the 25th. So it could be before or after. So, but pretty exciting. Oh, you know what I'm not excited about, though? What? That baby's instantly getting the shaft.

Think about it. What do you mean? Christmas, birthday. I thought you meant the movie The Shaft for Christmas. No, I'm saying babies, kids that are born anywhere near Christmas, they get shafted because they don't get a birthday present, they don't get a Christmas, but it's all combined and it sucks. You got the combo holiday package.

Yeah, it sucks. It's like going to Best Buy and you want to buy Forrest Gump on its own and Best Buy is like, sorry, if you're buying Forrest Gump, you're getting castaway and the burbs. Right. You don't want to have Thanksgiving dinner on Christmas dinner day. You want to spread them out so you get two delicious turkey dinners, your kid's going to get shafted in the present department. Oh, God, can you delay the birth?

We'll try. Yeah, just hold off. Can your wife pinch pretty good? Give her a call. Yeah, ask her if she can just hold it in. Like, you remember that time I went to Cracker Barrel, babe, and it was a two-hour drive to get home, but you said you had to go really bad?

Well, think of that, but with a baby, and hold on to for two extra months. This would be a quick call. If she even answers. Yeah, sounds like she's busy. Oh, no. She's going to text me. I don't want to be back on.

She hates the limelight. It's so funny, when you're first, when you're first starting out, you know, it's all, you know, it's, you know, they want to be posted, you know, they want to feel the love. And I just never was somebody to do that. And then once I,

got the reasoning of like, you know, I'm like, well, you're, you're not going anywhere. This is, you know, you're, we're doing, we're, I'm in it to win it. Yeah. She's like, well, you got people out there that, that don't know and they're probably thinking they got a chance. I'm like, but they don't. So, but once you get that as a guy, you're like, okay, cool. If this is to make, you know, but I also was like, man, there's weirdos and creeps.

And as I started to get more of a following, I was like, I don't want people knowing who you are. And then, you know, even after the wedding, there was some tiny little, like, people. magazine thing about the wedding. Like, nothing that they came to the wedding and did, but they just, I guess, you know, slow newsday, so they fucking made a thing and found out. So now it's public who she is, but, but so now when I, you know, we'll post things, she's just like, doesn't want any piece of it, which I, which I respect.

You know. Yeah, I'm like that. I like, I like, I'll do in all this, but when it comes to my private life, that's, that's why the word private exists. Also, there was a time pre-social media, and God bless it. people get to consume this a million which ways and everything we're doing, it's helping to progress everything. But there was a time when like, yeah, the mystique of not knowing everything.

Also, do you want to show people everything? Well, that's why it's called an intimate relationship when you're with a women. I've had to explain that to women in the past that I don't want to put you out there. I'm not hiding you. I'm not hiding the fact we're together, but this is about me and you. I'm with you. I don't need the world to know who you are and I don't need you to show the world who I am.

Like, I'm happy with just us. If we put a picture up now and then that shows us fishing or swimming, okay, but I don't want, people aren't, the world doesn't need to participate in our private, our togetherness. Same thing I,

frustrating when a woman doesn't get that. Totally. And I, you know, there's everything in moderation, right? Yeah. But, you know, and we've, you know, posted some stuff about her being pregnant, but I don't know if I'm going to be posting the baby much.

I see some people doing it and some people don't. It's weird that when some people are like, they blur the kid's face, but they'll post things. And then some people will just post the kid. Yeah. But the thing is, is that people say they don't want to post pictures of a kid because the weirdos out there will like, you know,

are going to be weird about. Yeah. Which I guess, you know, I don't consider. But it's the same thing way when, you know, when I told a friend of mine, back in Seattle, we were having a kid, and his first thought was, who, man,

careful, make sure she or he goes to the right school, you know, because a lot of teachers trying to fuck your kid. Oh, my God. And I was like, not all the kids

and also not all the teachers. Yeah. They're very isolated incidents. Yeah, that's very rare, I would think. And mostly in Florida, by the way. It is? Oh, yeah. It's usually a girl named Tina,

and she's not remorseful at all. Her mug shots just right into the cam, and she's like, whoa, what school is this? That's not man. High is it? No, it's, uh, fuck me middle school or no. Oh, wow.

Do me, do me high school? Do me. D-U-M-I. Do me? D-E-W? D-U-M-I. Okay. Dude, it's Mountain Do-mey high school?

Do-me is a whole other context. Um, so that's exciting. Congratulations, buddy. Got some names picked out. Oh, don't, you can't share them, right? I can't share them. I'll tell you off air because, because you're a brother and a father.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But there is some people in your life that, that, that, and I'm speaking mostly about family members. Yeah. That just, that just they, they don't, they want to, they're quick with their critique as far as like, yeah, that's not the name I would have chosen. Yeah. Well, it's not your fucking kid. Yeah.

And, and so, it's so funny, even with, before we locked in on a name, we were throwing a few choices out. and a few family members were like, oh, okay. And you're like, this is why I didn't want to tell you. Yeah, don't do it. You're looking to me, I might as well tell you I'm going to call the baby Jiz fart because you're looking at me like that's what I told you. Yeah. But then I will give family members credit when they feel themselves like giving you the pushback,

then they want to try to soften the blow by acting like they're cool with it. So they're like, oh, no, well, you could call it jizzies. I get it. That's a great, that's a fun name. You know, like they try to make it better. They try to roll with it. Yeah. Wait, can we say if it's a boy or a girl or no?

You don't have to. It's your kid. That's a no. We're not saying it. Hey, I'll do that, sir. Yeah. And you can just bleep it out or,

you want to bleep it? Yeah. Can't hear your hands over your mouth. What is it? I can't. Can you move your hand? Say that again? God.

What's the prefix for that? Look, I don't care if it comes out with both as long as it makes a choice by age five. Okay. It is funny. I mean, it is always like,

if it's a girl, I hope she gets your nose. She goes, I hope they get your ears. She goes, if it's a girl, she goes, I hope they don't get your lips. I've always had bigger lips. Yeah, girls love big lips, though. Yeah, but like, big lips, I think, are a sexy feature for a gal.

Right. Yeah, you don't want that for your daughter. Oh, I see. Yeah. So you're one of those dads. You're worrying about the day when the dating starts. If she's a girl, I'm going to be, it used to be keeper off the poll.

it's keep her off reality dating shows. As long as she doesn't, if it is a girl, God willing, you know, and even if it's a boy, honestly, some of the guys that go on these shows are not doing themselves any favors. But as long as she doesn't come home and go, guys, I'm going to be on season 49 of Aino Island, so make sure to mark your calendars at Thanksgiving. As long as she doesn't say that, I think it's a W, you know. Okay. But if it's a guy, you know, yeah, you know, be fun to play catch with.

Be fun to do that with a gal too. Yeah, healthy baby. Cute baby, healthy baby. And in that order, cute baby and then healthy. It could come out with some sort of venereal, you know, you know, glyoma, you know, could have a rice, crispy solar panel. But as long as that kid, you know, looks good in pictures, then we're going down the right path.

I wonder if Gilligan's ever been to Aynal Island. Do you think? And the Skipper 2 and Marianne. Marianne definitely went there. To Anal Island? Yeah, skipper 2. He was driving the ship. Yeah.

What about Mrs. Howell? that one I'd have to sleep on. Yeah. I'd have to rip the tag off the mattress and sleep on it. The professor? Yes. Okay. You have to be educated about every which way.

The four-way stretch, the five-way hurdle. Marianne? If Marianne did, it was probably with the skipper. Gilligan, I don't think. Gilligan, I think, was a virgin, no? I think he went to the other anal island, the one with the rainbow over it. Epstein's. Yeah.

Yeah. Epstein's anal island. Yikes. They tried to change the name so nobody would know. They're like, you actually just made it worse. Yeah, you made it way worse. Epstein won't even keep going. With the baby, this is a thing that a lot of people do, and I find this bizarre. Sure. When the baby's born, they take ink footprints of the feet.

Yeah. Like fingerprints. I don't know why they do it. It's not like you've never seen. a forensic files where there's a crime scene and it's like check the knife for baby feet like why are we making imprints of baby's feet excuse me sir we'd like to question your baby yeah where were you on the night

of November 14th yeah well check his feet yeah I don't like that answer check its feet see if the one month old cut someone's throat open oh you don't think we saw that 12 inch screwdriver in his bassinet yeah yeah I don't bassinet what bassinet what's a that. I know that word, but you give it to, like, I think I know what it is. Is it like a big basket? Hey, gang, you want to get your hands on some of my merchandise? Well, check out hardblane.com where I draw my own merchandise. That's right. I hand draw directly on the t-shirts with colored sharpies. You can own one of my original pieces of art. I call it wearable art.

at Harbling.com. And if the originals are sold out, you can buy a print at Harbling.com. So there's bass fishing. Yeah. There's bassinet and there's a bass clarinet, right? Okay. All feature the first four letters, bass.

Bass. Bassinet is for a baby. I'm just learning this. It's basically what she will sleep in. Oh, wow. And it's like a big basket, right? Yeah. And it's not the crib, but it's,

it's crib adjacent, I believe. And it's got like a little like half hood on it, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's usually wicker or something? Yes, more, yeah, can be. I don't know if you can say that anymore, but yeah. Wicker. But it's, but it's, but it's, and I think it's, I think it's got the handle so you can put it in the, right.

It's not the car seat, but it's, it's, it's the thing that you put in the, in the stroller, I think. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. There's so many things to learn. There's so many, I mean, you're not ready. There's cream, there's creams for Amanda to, there's, there's booby creams, post breastfeed.

There's a there's an ointment to give the baby If it becomes a conspiracy theorist How to prevent that There's you know there's there's There's a teething thing There's a there's a thing to wrap it in So that it doesn't fall over There's so many things

There's diapers there's somebody told me There's a spatula, an anal spatula This is a fan of the meat and greed He goes one thing I can recommend I know everyone's going to come at you With thoughts and statistics and figures Anel spatula I go

Great band name. He goes, for sure, but it's a thing that helps you kind of clean up and wipe and make sure that... Oh, it's to clean the baby when it poos itself. And then he's, and then he said something else, not a spatula. Not a Rav4, a C, aquifer, aquifer. What's this? It's some sort of a ointment cream lotion that is post-clean up, like maybe aftershave for the tush. Oh, wow. There's going to be a lot of things. So this spatula thing's a real thing where it's sort of like to, like what you'd use to put on icing on a cake, you're taking the icing off the baby buns. Oh wow. I didn't even know about it. I barely knew about the bassinet and I'm learning about the baby spatula. I thought babies came out of

the butt for the longest time. So this is like, this is all new to me. This is all, sometimes you see a baby too and you're like, did you miss the exit? Yeah. You're supposed to go at the front. I think that baby came from anal island. Yeah. That's one thing I will say that I make up for is because I have nieces and a nephew, and I have two half-brothers that I basically was around when they, you know, from start to finish, at least from baby till 10 and 12. Yeah.

They stopped wearing diapers at 12, you know, for a myriad of reasons. But I've changed a billion diapers. You have? My wife has not changed any. She has... There you go. You just got her on the tire thing. Totally.

She honestly... That's the thing that's going to make her look at you and go, oh, that's my man. One thousand. That might be the thing that she mentioned because she said, like, thank God. I've also just been around babies and children more. So she's just, she already feels comfy that like that I have. There's a, you know, I know how to the, all this stuff.

Like, and I obviously haven't like, you know, done the feeding stuff and bottle. And I haven't breastfed in a long time. But, but, but, you know. When was the last time? 1999? Right before Y2K. When everybody thought things were. Oh, right.

Remember everybody was like, buy these stocks, invest in power. raid. You were like lactate. Lactate or, you know. Lactate or lose it. Yeah. What album? To all these eighth album? What was it called? This one's for me. No. Let's get to milk. Let's get to milk it. Yeah. And I think there was like a follow up that was like like two percenters or something. Oh, you're thinking of everything went sour. Everything went sour. Yeah. That's right. That was that's right. That was like the lost. Yeah. Hidden single. Buddy, are you going to watch Babelance come out? Are you going to be one of those dads that watches the birth? I'll watch it on Zoom. I'll watch it on Zoom.

Yeah, smart. Or FaceTime. FaceTime, yeah. Yeah, I'm not going to be there. No, I'll be there for sure. Yeah, I'll be there. I mean, I'm taking pretty much all of, I am all of December and maybe a month or two after off.

Will you watch the baby come out or you scream is like that? She just sent me a video compilation. Who did? Amanda. Okay. People, guys that got sick in the pregnancy room. Like, from watching? She goes, I hope this isn't you.

One guy cut the umbilical cord and passed out. Oh, God, no. I don't think I'm going to do. Also, I don't want to do anything. Yeah, what are you a doctor? No. Hey, hey, no. No, you're not.

So to have it. You can't even change a tire. You're not going to cut an umbilical cord. Are you nuts? I don't want any, I don't want to have my hands on anything that could do anything that's not. Anything that can squirt at you. Yes, exactly. Yeah.

So I. She wants you to cut the umbilical cord? No, no, no. No. But she showed me a video of somebody who did. Even if the doctor gives me the option, I'll be like, hey, man, you got it. You got this one. Yeah, you went to university for 12 years and make 2.3 million a year.

Why don't you do the L-Sippo there, Doc? You're holding the scissors. I'm a spectator. I'm in your house. It'd be like if I was on stage and I was like, Doc, you want to come on stage? Come on a few jokes. Do a few minutes, man. Yeah.

Come on. No, this is not my department. So you won't even watch it come out? I'll be, I'll be, I, it's a, it's, to her. If she doesn't want me to, she, she, uh, but even if she said I want you to, would you be like, baby, I, I just, I've heard both sides of it. But what do you want? I mean, I, you don't want to. I, it's, it takes a lot to gross me out. You don't want to. I wouldn't want to. I'll say it for you. Pretend I'm you. Look, honey, I don't want to watch our baby come out.

I'll say this. I'm letting you off the hook as I'm doing it. I, yeah. Honey, under no circumstances, will I walk around to the end of the bad, look between you. your legs and watch our bald pink freak come out from the tunnel of love. I love you. I'm going to learn to change tires. I'm going to fix the window ledge tomorrow. And I'm going to play dolly part and backwards. I love you. You're having the baby on your own. I'll be in the cafeteria. Warming up the meatloaf. That's for me to you, buddy. What do I owe you for that? I don't know. You're busy tonight. I hear scallop fest just started. at Olive Garden.

Scallop Fets. If they were going to throw a festival, well, I wouldn't involve scallops, yeah. But yeah, I get you, man. I'll hold her hand. Yeah, there you go. Like Paul McCartney, and I'll be at the head of the bus, but I don't think I'm looking to jump out the emergency exit.

Yeah. It's a tough thing, man. It's a tough thing. I just, it'd be interesting to see the miracle moment. Yeah. But don't forget, you've got to spend the rest of your life kind of having sexy time. Yeah.

And throw in a kid. crawling out of it. It's a little bit, I don't know if you can erase that memory. I have a tough time when the dogs are around, you know, we have to now put the dogs up because it's just like,

if a dog jumps on me or touches me, like, well, it's, it's too much for me. I can't, I can't. Wait, while you're being intimate? Yeah, can't, you. So that's, we know, you know. You don't have them in the room when you're being intimate, do you?

We have, yeah. And sometimes they, here the moment. Sometimes you don't want to, you know, you know, take out the passion. But she, she, I can't now. There was a time when I could get around it,

but then it's like now, now it's not anymore. You ever have a moment where the dogs are in the room? You said dogs, plural, right? Yeah, we got two pickles and bagels. Two dogs, they're in the room. They're watching you and your wife make love. Yeah.

And in the middle of it, under their breath, you hear them go, do it doggy style. Come on, do it for us. Yeah. Doggy style, buddy. Come on. Yeah. Come on doggy style, just for a few minutes.

Right? I mean, yeah. Wouldn't you want that if you're a dog? I think that's what they're thinking. And if there was a nuns standing in the room. She'd say, do it missionary. Yeah. Missionary style. Come on, buddy. Have you ever had nuns watch you?

What time is it? Three. CPO? Hello. Little addendum there. Wait, and if Stephen Hawking is watching you, he says what? Can you please let me get him there with you. He's going to say, can you do it, 69?

Because he's a numbers guy. Oh, right. Yeah. Oh, wow. He's still alive, right? Hawking? Yeah. No.

No, Stephen Hawking? Bird. Yeah. Hawk. Yeah. Yeah. Wait, Stephen Hawking. Was he the guy in the wheelchair?

Yeah. With the voice. I, I, tell you. I think that was Forest Hump. God. Forrest Gump's little brother, Forrest Hump. I've been like a box and chocolate. It's like JFK Jr.

Who's that guy with the RFK? RFK. I'm going to arrest a little rattlesnake for breakfast. Speaking of, he's in charge of the FDA food and drug. Finally. Are you a snack guy? What's your go-to snack? I'm a chips and salsa guy.

I got home. Hold on. Hold on. buddy hold on you don't got my the original chip i had from the fourth grade do you pringles my guy what do you have these for just in case bursting with flavor wow for a second i thought that said butt string with flavor you just said you were a chips guy i am what a miracle i happen to have some pringles here do you have any miracle whip i do have a miracle you want to see it yeah hello whoops the daisy you got me dude whoops the doodle the

comic in me? Yeah. Very happy. The fat kid in me, very sad. Yeah. Yeah. I'm sworey. I know you are because you used the W. Yeah. Dude, why do we have a, why are chips in a tennis can? You don't see, you don't see, you don't see this. You don't see, uh, you don't see Pringles in a, in a can of tennis balls. Until now, introducing Penn's Pringles. Right? From the makers who brought you Pete Sampras and Andre Agassie's bald head. Combs. Your voices get me so excited. You know what's interesting about these? Nothing.

They modeled them to be the exact same shape as the roof of your mouth. So they fit right in like a glove. So what I did... Like a glove. Like a glove. I did this thing the other day. I was in the basement watching... I have a VHS collection of Little House on the Prairie.

Do you really? I was watching episode 475. where Nellie gets molested behind the general store. Yeah. It's getting hot in here, so take off all your clothes. Can I get some diet, Dr. Pepper, don't molest me. Yeah, pretty much. Yeah.

So what I did is I power stacked. I've never done this with Pringles. Go on. You're putting one at a time, right? I mean, I thought this was a safe space. I power stacked. I thought, what if I put a power stack in my mouth? that's

I mean I can't help my is here I can't hear you're having a boy or a girl Yeah one-one One-one

Oh I'm going to say I know I'm going to Oh sure So I'm going to want

I'm talking about Sure I'm like a Yeah I'm like a boleen whale And I realized I'm purifying the air Yeah

I turned into like an air filter and had the best sleep of my life. End of story. And how much, for four easy payments of $3.99. Wow. I mean, first of all, thank you. Yeah, thank you. You're welcome. But here's the thing, why don't we have, why don't we have flavored tennis balls?

This is, dude, you what, you know, this is what I wake up in the morning. Right. Thinking about. Shark Tank is probably sitting and waiting patiently for someone to come in. Why should the... Or why don't we have tennis ball-scented Pringles? Because when you open a can of tennis balls, that smell. Everybody opens them and goes, it's delicious.

What do you prefer that smell or the smell of boat gasoline? Ooh. Tough one, right? Well, here's where... I'm glad you brought up. Why don't we have Pringle? Because look at this. Why don't we have boat gasoline-flavored pringles?

Pringles Dill Pickles. Oh, what, you should open that one. We got Pringles pizza. Dude. What's that? Smokey, what's that one called? Smoky taint. Smoky bacon.

That was my nickname in middle school. Smoky bacon. We got Pringles pizza. Dude. So why don't we have Pringles diesel boat gasoline and tennis ball? Do you have the whole Shingles family down there? Shingles. I barely know her.

From the makers of Pringles come. shingles for the senior sacked. We know those regular pringles were a little too big, so we've got shingle-flavored chips. Yeah, we've got shingle chips for the people with a heart condition. Wait, this is great, and I almost forgot this. Yeah. One of my favorite, and there's quite a few, Colin Williams Bits, which I just quoted you the other day. Yeah.

We were talking about how nice it would be if we had a car. We were driving from Fort Lauderdale to Tampa. which by the way, thank you everyone in Florida that came out to the show. You're welcome. You're welcome. But we were driving and I go, man, I wish we had TV screens, one of those cars. And they're getting better and better. Like some of these cars now have wild, like flats, full flat screens.

He used to just be a little screen for the kiddos. Yeah. I've seen commercials now where like these cars, it's not enough to have heated seats or a seatbelt that'll jerk you off. Now it's like, well, Honda Accord. But now there's just full on plasmas. and it reminded me of your bit and it was one of the first bits when I opened for you in Seattle

back at Lafts Comedy Club in Kirkland, Washington and you go, you guys seen these cars with these TVs on the back of the seats? I drove 20 miles past my exit last night to watch the end of Goonies for Christ's sake.

Dude, so funny. But then it reminded me of a bit of years that you did where you were, I think we were at the San Jose Improv and a woman had some tortilla chips up front. And do you remember what you did? you grabbed some of her chips and you crunch them.

Oh. Do you not remember? Yeah, probably. What happened next? So you go like this. You go, hey, you go, you go. Oh, I know what that joke was. What did you say?

No, I looked at a guy in the crowd. Like I'll be, he had nacho chips, the triangle one. Yeah, yeah. And I just looked at this kid and I go, hey, buddy. And he goes, yeah. And I go, like I grabbed one of his chips. I said, can I have one of your chips? And he goes, yeah.

So I took one. Yeah. And everyone was wondering, what, am I doing? And I go, hey, buddy, you ever fucking old lady? And he goes, well, everyone went quiet and I just, I just, I put the chips on that. Oh, oh, oh. And I go, not me. That fucking guy. Not me. Him. Him. Yeah. Oh, wow. Good memory. What a banger, dude. Wow. You, there's so many of, uh, man, I remember this one time. By the way, everything happens for a reason. Look at the length of that.

That's what it was made for. 12-inch screwdriver holder. Sorry, I interrupted. No, if you can get a screwdriver through a can of Pringles, you can what? You can dance to the moon and skip around on Dolly Parton's ariolize, her 12th album. That went gold, platinum, and diarrhea. What a big deal right now. Who thought diarrhea would be so in the news?

Yeah, right. Or in your pants. Now, when you see something like that, when you see a mass outbreak, Yeah. Do you go, well, it's not going to be my taco, you know? No, I just stay away. I'm like, if I know something's like, like, if they do a recall on radishes or eggs or whatever,

I'm just like, I'm off them for a month. I don't want to get sick. Like if an airline comes out and they go, dude, some of our doors are flying off. Yeah. Do you go, that's a wrap for me on that airline? Yeah, that's a rap. Yeah.

It's a chicken sees a rap. Yeah. I mean, they're telling you, trouble's coming. Trouble's coming. Why am I going to pay to get into trouble? You know, accident that's trouble you can't avoid. No. But you're not going to pay me to go get trouble.

Yeah. Are you running for office? Because you just got my vote. Thanks. That's one. Anymore? Weirdest campaign. Yeah.

Yeah. That's it. Any more? I got one. You want to jump on? You know what I hate is when people get upset on the plane when they're like, guys, no. So sorry for anything out.

convenience. We're sitting here on the plane. One of the wings is not a standard. It's just to take about 15 minutes to fix the wing. And actually there's something in the wheels. The wheels also are, you know, the wheels on the bus, go around and around. But on the plane, they also need to go up and down.

So we're going to take a few minutes to fix that. I'm treating my wife. A guy's going to kill us all. Global Warmermer. which aren't real. Coldplay is one of the greatest live band I've ever seen live in. I'm a nice, silly out of my wife,

yeah, for only on her birthday. Thank you so much for flying with us on Delta Airlines, and we'll hopefully be back to you with an update. Where are you on January 6th? Were you flying Tourette's airline, by the way? Wow. Cheap fares, but they won't shut the fuck up. You know what?

I hate when they give you too much information. Like, you're sitting there, you're ready to take off They go, hey, folks, welcome aboard. We're going to be hitting 25,000 feet. We're going to have a little chop for the first 10 minutes. It's going to be a little rough. And then we're going to level off for about 400 miles. And we're going to hit some more bumps.

And I don't need to know, like, just get me in the air. I don't need to sit there and fret that in 20 minutes, my head might go through the ceiling. How about when they tell you who's like on board? We got Chelsea in the back. Oh, wow. Awesome. I had a guy call me out.

once. I was on a plane to Vegas and the guy out of nowhere. This guy goes, ladies and gentlemen, I'd just like to make an announcement. One of the funniest human beings on the planet, Harland Williams is on board. And it was a beautiful compliment, but I was just like, what the hell? Like it freaked me the F out. So luckily, like, nobody really, nobody really, I just kind of played it low key. I didn't go, oh, that's me. Yeah, no, no, yeah, yeah, yeah, looking around. Where is he? Who is it? Harland, who? What? He's not that funny. What? But how do you feel when they give the updates on like, we need to fix stuff?

Oh, the worst. But there's always people that will go like, come on. That's me. Okay. So, well, here's my question then. Because I also get flabbergasted, but I also am like, take the time to fix whatever. I'm talking like the guy, like, obviously, who wants the delay? Who wants to wait around?

But would you rather them just fucking slap some scotch tape on it? And hurry up? Well, here's what I don't like is when you take the morning flight. It's the first flight out. Oh, and something's wrong. A few months ago, I literally had this happen. No word of a lie. We're all ready to go.

They'd put the door in. All of a sudden, the door comes back. You know, that ramp. Yes. And they go, oh, ladies and gentlemen, we were all set to go here, as you can see. But it turns out the crew from last night, there was a problem with engine four. and the crew from last night decided not to tell anybody. So we're going to have to deal with it now.

And I'm like, this plane's been sitting dormant for 14 hours. You could have taken care of it. And now we got to be three hours late. Like when they do stuff like that that's shady, dude, I just want to walk all the way to Minneapolis or wherever I'm going. Wherever you're going. Yeah. Phoenix. And then sometimes when they go out on the runway,

it feels like the runway goes forever. It does. It's like, you know what, just drive. Yeah. Let's just drive all the way to Cleveland. Yeah, I know. So as it's a four bus adventure to the gate. We've already been driving to the end of the runway.

Yeah. It just feels like, just keep going. It is funny with the amount of planes and the amount of trips, how they're still like, like, there's still, you're like, hey, I want to, can I go straight from, like I got to go L.A. to Halifax coming up. Oh, I got to stop. You're doing the Halifax Comedy Festival.

The Great Outdoors thing. Yeah. But I got to stop in Shanghai on the way there. Oh, yeah. I'll tell you, buddy, I don't take a lot of gigs now if I have to stop. I know you don't. It drives me nuts because every time you do a layover, it's just another opportunity for something to go wrong. Jesus, I didn't look at it like that.

It's always just one more delay or one more weather pattern or one more engine thing. And a lot of the times, it's always the connecting flight that bones you. It's like Willy Wonka in the Chocolate Factory. every event, every new room, licking the Snowsbury wall, maybe checking out the chocolate river, all opportunities to drown as a fat child or have your tongue ripped off from a, you know, giant blueberry or a dwarf with an orange face, you know?

Oh, God. The umpalumpas you mean. Yeah. God. I caught one the other day. I was fishing. Would you, what did it, what was the noise that it made when it bit the, the bait?

It was a, and the funny thing is, they don't swim, They run along the bottom. They run along the bottom, yeah. And I pulled it up, but had the overalls on, the orange skin, the green hair. And I thought, this is a once-in-a-lifetime catch. I got it taxidermied, but I had one of its vertebrae removed from its lower back so I could bend it over. So it was sniffing its own orange nut sack. And it's over my fireplace right now.

Let's cut to a clip. It's a 14-pounder. Yeah. Unbelievable. Trophy oompa-oompa. Which was Dahlie's night album. That's right. Well, buddy, we are down to our final segment here.

I love the final segments on the show. Words from a wooden shoe. Great. Buddy, get in there. Pick a word. See if it sparks a story from your fabulous journey. I love this. I love you having a baby.

That's so excited. Isn't that great? Yeah. We got to talk more about that. Uncle Har. You got it. Yeah. Yeah, pick a word. Just one.

And see if it inspires a story from your life, my guy. Ooh, cramps. Oh, wow. Interesting. Well, I think of cramps. I think of the movie crampus. All right, the Christmas movie. Yeah, I think of, and then that makes me think of Ebenezer. That makes me think of Johnny Depp, who's getting ready to play Ebenezer.

That makes me think of Johnny Depp at Comic Con, where I saw clips of him interacting with regular people, and a guy came up to him dressed as Edward Scissorhands as they do. Comic-Con is filled with all the people who are wildly obsessed with all the different characters and films and Johnny is in full characters Ebenezer and doesn't know how to react. There's a guy dressed as Edward Sutherhands and Johnny's like,

well, look at you, you really went for it, didn't you? But have you ever had a cramp? Senator, the question was... Good Lord. It also makes you think of Gramps, right? Oh, gramp? Yeah. Okay, again, not a cramp, but is there anything maybe with what's on the paper there? A cramp. Um, yes, I had, uh, I had some, I had some stomach cramps.

Okay, here we go. Talk to me. Yeah. And, um, and those stomach cramps, um, maybe you're pregnant too. Those stomach cramps, uh, resulted in, um, needing to, uh, used a lavatory on a restroom. Okay. And, um, the plane was, uh, getting ready to land. Okay.

historically, there is a time on the flight where back in your seats, trade tables up, holding your diarrhea, whatever it is. Whoa. And there was no holding, there was no waiting. It was go time. Oh, you had to, yeah.

This was like speed two, and there's no slow in the bus down. Oh, no. And so I built a little rapport with the flight attendant. Okay. And, you know, I was a really easy passenger that day, didn't ask for the lunch, you know, didn't even get anything to drink. Wow. You know, was easy, peasy, beautiful cover girl.

And now here I am. So I thought I built up a little bit of, you know, good karma. Yeah. To be able to override the bathroom privileges during landing. Uh-oh. So she goes, I need you to sit down. I go, if I sit down, we're all going to stand up. Wow.

Wow. Yeah, which is, I know a Martin Luther King quote, but it's also what I was going through that day. If you sit down, we're all going to have. That's JFC. That's Mayor Quimby from the Simpsons. Quimby, JFK. Yeah.

You sound like my brother. It burns like tinkle. Sorry, that's not him either. Okay, so what happened? So you're descending where you're kind of not allowed to stand up. Descending. And she makes me sit back down. And I'm just like, wow.

Did you tell her you had the... Yeah, I said I've, like, stomach pains. Like, I hadn't... I've been, you know, some days you're just like you're maybe not eating the best foods that are contributing to keeping things reg. And so I had taken something, a movement helper, right, to get me going. Oh, wow. So this isn't just God stepping in.

So this is God and medicine. Pharmaceuticals pushing through. Wow. Trying to make a name for themselves on this Delta flight. Wow. So I go, look, things are about to get real bad. I've never like, you know, I don't want to say drop the oxygen masks now. Yeah.

But get them ready. Yeah, yeah. Get them ready. You know, this is part of your job. You know, you bring out the chicken pot pies and you also, you, you fluff the pillows, you make your small talk, you give the kid wings, you know. Call the CEO of Cracker Barrel. Yeah, like, I hear you, guy. So push comes to shove and shove comes to push.

And the guy next to me was hearing all this. And he goes, you're not going to shit yourself, are you? By the way, he said that? Oh, yeah. I mean, this guy have not spoken the whole flight. I'm a big sit on the flight. and it's about 10 a.m. We're landing.

It was an early fight. We're landing. I put on my headphones right away. We left to like seven. And I'm just like, I just, it's early. I don't want to, you know, I'll give the initial like, hey, hello. Yeah, that's it. Yeah.

Not even a name unless they give the name. Yeah. Older gals, like in 70s, 80s, they're traveling by themselves. I extend an olive branch or an olive garden and I'm like, you know, here's my cell phone. Let me know if you need anything. You know, if you need anything. Or do a wave or if you need me to get your. bag.

Just, that's a, fire friendly skies. Yeah. But this guy and I, no dialogue been exchanged. You're hit the first thing anyone of one of them says between. You're not going to shit your pants,

are you? Yep. And I go, easy, Barney. And so, so, so,

uh, I go, no, I think I'm all right, because I don't want him to, to worry or panic. And then I just, things go from,

from about four to eight real quick. And I'm like, this is bad. And we are now, like, truly dissented. Like, it's and I'm like

well now I it's still another 10 15 minutes oh dude and it's wowed how much I'm putting myself back here and my stomach's starting to grumble just listening to the story mine too

I think it's the pizza Pringles to be honest might be or the tennis ball or the screwdriver pizza yeah mischief

queef bars and so I we get to about I'd say probably eight minutes away from landing and I've only done this one other time where we were, the bus was taken us

from the Super Bowl in 2013 to back to the Stubhub Center where we met up and got a free ride to the Super Bowl. Stubhub ends up driving by my friend's apartment that we're staying by. So instead of waiting another hour to go to the Stubhub Center, I look out and see, oh my God, there's our friend's apartment we're staying at. So I run up to the bus driver, I go, can you just let us out here?

He goes, I'm not stopping for that. Everyone's going to the place. I drop everyone off at it. and I go, I'm going to shit my pants. And he goes, God fucking damn it. And open the door and we ran off and saved an hour and went right to our buddy's place. Awesome. So I know I have that card to play in my back pocket.

I get up, again, about eight minutes from landing. And I just go, I'm not doing this. I'm not going to, I'm not going to not do this just because it's the rules. And I'm not like, my wife is not a rule breaker. She hates when I even like lean my seat back before we take off. She's like, don't just, can you wait? You have to. So I stand up and I go, it's go time, man.

And he goes, oh, fuck. And he's like, this guy, by the way, knows, like, I'm stepping around him. Yeah, you got to put your ass right in his face. You're a window seat, right? Yes. I, yes. So he is just in all sorts of Mountain Dew Code Red panic attack. Yeah. He's just like, oh, man, is this, is Oppenheimer about to go off right now?

Yeah, it is. I squeeze by him. Other people are watching me because I think the, you know, the discussion was audible enough to where a few people, some people were cheering me on, you can do it, you know? and I run up and she goes, sir, sit down, we're landing. I go, can't wait. Good.

And I ran it and grabbed and she started to kind of take her belt off to stop me, open the door and quickly and did like this weird spin move, closed the door, locked it. Sir, sir, sir, get out of there, sir. They're screaming at me. They're screaming at you while you're doing a diarrhea bomb.

Yes, yes. And I'm screaming outside. I go, I have to. It's either, it was either here or there, you know, and I'm just like, I'm so sorry. Yeah. Oh my God, that's horrible. And now, now, look, just because I made it off the Titanic,

doesn't mean that I'm going to find my family. Right. Who said that? Dolly Parton. So I'm in there by myself. Wow. Yeah. And now I have to poo while we're landing while she's screaming, you know, pilot just hears screams.

Yeah. How does he know he doesn't have, you know, diarrhea Danny getting ready to hijack the cockpit? Right. And he might have to take off again. And imagine if you. you're plopping a log right when the wheels hit the tarmac where you get that big jolt and then the fucking log bounces right back up your arse. You read my diary. I read your diarrhea. We'll be right back. By the way, Dolly Parton's 12th album. You read my diarrhea and broke my silly heart.

Remember that one? I do. I do. Who was her first ballad? Her first bowel movement. Um, wait. So what? So now. So now. So we're in there. So we're touching down. This is the best cramped story ever. I can't believe. I've never.

I'm not a big. No. You know, like, but like fuck this is. It's the wooden shoe. You have to. Also,

you trigger to memory. Yeah. And so I, um, so we're landing and, and yeah, the nerves of, of like,

I've never also been not in my seat during a landing. Right. So now I'm like, is this not safe? I got no seatbelt on the toilet. Yeah. Another. Sorry.

Another dolly parton album, number 17. Yeah. seatbelt in the total. Platinum and Brown. By the way, that's... So I'm sitting there, I'm holding on. Yeah.

We're landing. What if it's a bumpy landing? Right. I'd say seven... Who was that? I'm just picturing you getting popped up your own ass. Like turning inside out.

There's seven out of ten landings. Everyone... There's seven out of ten landings. There's 60% of the plane that goes, blah. Yeah. Or, whoa. Yeah.

Like, whoa, that was bumpier than anticipated. Yeah. So I'm, expecting some sort of a bump and grind, some sort of Arkelley soundtrack. And so, you know, I'm being on myself, whatever. And so we hit, it definitely is, we bumped, we definitely tilted a little bit. So I'm holding on. And at this point, flight attendant has relinquished any sort of control.

She's just like, he's in, it's in God's hands now. Born free. I did what I could. They're playing on the speaker, born free, as free as the grass. Gross. Yeah. So I, I, and I'm in there, by the way, for, I don't know if you've taken any of these, you know, products that help you get, get on the right side of history. No, and after this, I never will.

Oh, this thing. God. This is in course. Yeah. Okay. Oh, all right. Yeah. If you're going to be like that, maybe this isn't the podcast for you.

Yeah. Yeah. So I go, I go, I'm going to need some time. She, you know, knock, as soon as we land. Mr. Ray. Mr. Ray. Oh, great. Fucking knows my name.

She's got the sheet. with all everyone's, she knows who I am. You know, and also in first class, they just, they get to know you, you know. So Mr. Ray, come on out. I'm like, if you can leave, you know, my particulars out of this, I'm a guy trying to get the job done.

Let's just leave it at that. I'm trying to tetris my butt into this kitty litter box that you have, so you call a toilet. So you're still unloading even after you landed? Oh, yeah, yeah. There's no, dude, again, this is. This is a long one.

Well, again, whatever you take. It's just like, it's two days of being backed up. And, and, so we're unloading the whole truck. So now I'm in there for a few minutes postland. People are coming out. I'm just listening to, bye, thank you so much. Thank you so much. I'm listening to, by the way, this two-faced fight attendant who was so you cannot go in there.

Hi, thank you so much. Thank you so much. And I'm in there being like, she's not as sweet as she sounds. Yeah, right. Don't buy the book. Yeah, right, right. So I finished a job. I'd say by the time I got out, you know, they were up to row 26F.

Thank God at least because they, because they, didn't know what you were doing. Where if you had to walk out right back into everyone sitting in first class, you would have just been like, everyone. The guy I was sitting next to, walked through, and I heard me knocked on the door and goes, best of look. No, he didn't. Wow.

But yeah, so, but that guy left within a hurry. No doubt. You go back and there's a tip on your seat. Thank you. Thank you for caring for $20. So I get out. Wow. Just the biggest look of disappointment I've ever seen on a flight attendant.

just like the fact that, and she looked at me like I was going to go straight to the captain's log. Yeah. You know? Well, you did do the captain's log. Yeah. But you know what I'm saying? But yeah, they should be trained to understand, and they probably are emergencies like that. I cannot be the first true emergency.

Like what if a woman's water broke or a woman went into labor or someone had a heart attack? Thank you. They're trained to deal with these. Yes, this is no different. Yeah. Yeah, that was a little... I get it. Landing is probably the most precarious point.

No seatbelt. They care so much about you being strapped in. And again, I got... There's no straps. It's just me and the elements. Oh, that would have been a nightmare. So we... So bounce around, finish, whatever, you know, feel better, get out.

We landed the... Obviously, we landed. Now, here's another thing to factor. If somehow, you know, we had to sully this landing and we ended up in the Pacific Ocean... Right. I mean, now, now, you know, I mean, I guess easy cleanup. Now I'm walking.

I'm just, you know, don't even need to wipe. I'm just, you know, jumping out right into the, into flippers world, right? You got salt water, yeah. But we land, people walk off. I apologize. She doesn't say anything back. I just go, so sorry, you had to. She just stares at me.

I go back, I grab my bags. And I walk off like, hey, drastic times call for drastic news. WWBD. What would Batman do? Right. What would Batman do? Probably shit in his cape. But at least he could flap the stink away.

Thank you. You know? Thank you. By the way, Dolly Parton's 15th album, Flap the Stink Away. Batman would have been like, Batman would have gone up, and she goes, sir, you need to sit down,

he would have been like, Where is she? Where is she? Where's who? The flight did, I told me it didn't. I couldn't pool on the plane. Where is she?

Call Commissioner Gordon. Tell him, I'm dropping the kids off at the pool. please tell me when you finally released did you yell yubba dabbadoo god bless you no I yelled yabababoo

that's at adam ray comedy on Instagram Twitter and TikTok please watch the adam ray show streaming now on Netflix new episodes every Friday your boy harlan will be on an episode coming up very soon what's going on back there I told you who is that

nobody I know Do you guys want to give a quick check and make sure that it's actually all good? Or are you guys just going to keep squirting wire like this is a fucking special Olympics? Oh, he's done. He's finished eating. What was he eating? Your ass. Well, at least somebody is.

Other guests include Dave Matthews, Michael Bublay, Nikki Glazer. My mom, Mark Norman, the Goo Goo Goo Goo Dozing and Practical Jokers, and many, many more. That's Netflix every Friday of the Adam Ray Show. And come see me on tour. Adam Raycom.com will be all over this beautiful country, San Diego, Montana, Utah, Anaheim, Hawaii, Philadelphia, Chicago, and much, much more Adam Raycomedy.com, and I'll see you in the movies. Harland? What? Thanks, bud.

You're welcome, buddy. That's your parting gift. Folks, that's it for today. Oh, there he goes. See, you can do manly things. Ah, that's it for today, folks. Until next time, Chicken Chau-Maine. baby and we'll see you next time buddy thank you so much i love you are love you buddy and uh go and check

out adam's shows check out his podcast check out his youtube the netflix show the netflix show everything uh you you know adam you love them and uh we'll see you next time you freaks hey everybody how would you like your very own personal video message from me yours truly it's your birthday it's your anniversary at your graduation or you just want me to make you laugh. You get to pick the topic. You want me to discuss. Give me some talking points and off we go. You can get it for yourself or get it for a friend. It's super easy and fun. Just go to the Cameo app on your phone or to Cameo.com. And I record a custom video made just for you or your loved one. Your very own personalized Harland.