The Harland Highway - AMISH DUDE drops by with his crazy egg fingers and talks about community and living off the grid!

Episode Date: January 20, 2026

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Visit medcan.com slash moments to get started. But if you were to try to catch a fart, how would you do it? How would I do it? And be honest. Like a jar? A jar? Yeah, like a mason jar? A mason jar?

Yeah. So how would you do it? So somebody farts. Yeah? And then what's your move? I don't know. I mean, I don't really, I don't know what the point is about, like, capturing a fart. Did I wear my hat or no?

Oh, yeah. I think your hat's great. Okay. Because you traditionally wear it all the time, right? I don't like wearing it when I'm working and stuff because it gets in the way sometimes. Oh, like when you're at the office? No, no, like when you were building houses.

Oh, you work out in the field? Yeah, like... You're a house builder? Yeah, like construction. Are you serious? Yeah. How many houses do you build in a year? I don't know, maybe like a half a dozen or so.

So six? Somewhere around there, yeah. And Timothy, we wonder why there's a homeless problem. Yeah, I don't know. If I was ever homeless, I mean, I just build a house. I know, but here's the thing, if we built more than six in a year, we might not have the homeless. So you try to get the homeless?

Well, no, what I'm saying, and this maybe isn't nice, right out of the gate, I'm maybe accusing you of they're being homeless because you're not building enough houses. Oh, wow, there's no homage out here in, like, in California. anything. Oh, you're Amish? Yeah. My bad. God, sorry. Uh, wow. Amish. Can you spell it? Because some people spell it wrong. Some people spell it AM-I-S-H. Yeah, that's how you spell it. That's right. I knew that. Okay. You go to like high school or? Nah. Oh, me neither. I've never, I've never went to like public school. I never, I've never set foot in like a public school. Me neither. I've never been to

school ever. Oh, really? Yeah. I don't, who needs it? Oh, wow. Do you know what 2 plus 2 is? Hold on. Can you give me a minute? Oh, yeah. Hang on. I think I have a pen. Here we go. I'm one of those guys I can't do math on my feet. I have to write it out. Oh, you can sit down. Like if you can't do math on your feet. And I am sitting down. Yeah. This is working out. Yeah. Hang on. Let me, so what was it to? plus two? Yeah, two plus two. I got to, I'm one of these idiots, do I got to count it out? Like, I'm good in English, I'm good in geography, but math is not my thing.

So hold on. One, two, and plus, don't, is it six? I think it's like four or something, four or five. I think five, because I said six, and it's probably one less. So can we say five? Yeah, we can say five. Two plus two is five. We could do that, yeah.

Great. In school, they always had four. But I wasn't in school, and neither were you. No, I was in school. Oh, you were? Yeah. Wait, what grades? Until eighth grade.

And then I, like, graduated from there. To what? From eighth grade, you go to high school? No. Like, I, like, fully graduated. I was down with school. Down syndrome school? No, I was, like, done with school.

Oh, you're done with school? Yeah. So wait a minute. You got to the eighth grade and you're out. Yep, that's how the Amish school works. Oh, that's how the Amish school works. Yeah. Let's roll the tape back a bit because I'm not confused they are.

Okay. You're an Amish boy or man? I could do it. Yeah, you're sort of in the middle, right? Yeah. You're sort of raid in the middle. How old are you, my guy? I'm almost 30.

No, you're not. A little bit of waste, but almost. Get out. Almost. Like 18. You're 18? Yeah. Okay.

When you said you're almost 30. Dude, you tripped me out. Yeah. Because some people have that perpetual young, youthful look, like Benjamin Buttons. Have you heard of him? No, I haven't. He's a guy that made buttons. Wow.

But, you know, the Amish live a very clean sort of life, right? Yep. Off the grid. Yeah. And so when you said you're almost 30, I went for the bait because I'm thinking you live sort of a purest lifestyle. You have clean food, clean water, clean mind, clean living. Yep. So I would think that could be a good recipe for remaining youthful and looking youthful.

Oh, it is, yeah. So you're 18. Yep, 18. Wow. 18 and life. Have you heard that song? 18 and what? Life.

18 and life you got it 18 in life you know It's like a Skid Row song Oh no I've never heard of it You don't know Skid Row? I don't know I don't okay Well tell us quickly What's going on? I don't know it seems like the light switched off

It did? Yeah See you got a good eye for technical stuff Let me thank you let's see That's okay Okay. Timothy, good eye though. Yeah, it was like a big flickering a little bit. Yeah, good eye for the flickering.

Can we trace that back because, boy, maybe this was a sign. It is a sign. For a guy that checked out of school at eighth grade, you're swift. Like, you're quick. Is that a good thing? That's a great thing. Okay. But this might be a sign from, you know.

From like the ceiling? or from my God. Well, they're both up there. They are, yeah. So I'll let you decide. Is it a sign from the ceiling or from God? I like to think from God, because the ceiling can always fall down

if it doesn't have the right support. Bingo. Yeah. And God's got the support, all the support he needs. Yeah. So maybe it's a sign from God that you use the word flicker, which is an interesting term. That word's never been used on this podcast before.

Oh, really? And if we circle back to the Amish community, which is very simple, right? It's not infused with electronics and even electricity, right? Yeah. Like a lot of us young kids, we sneak around phones and stuff like that.

Yeah. Yeah. But are candles prominent in the Amish home? Either battery lights or like we, like, it was like seven years ago. we used to have like kerosene lights. Yes. And then like our community modernized a little bit.

Now we have like battery lights. Right. But I'm guessing with all those lighting systems that don't come off the grid, there's a lot of flickering. There is, yeah. A little bit like when it gets windy if you have kerosene light. What does it do? It makes it flicker. Isn't it funny how the good Lord led us into the flicker conversation?

It is. Wow. Your ceiling looks pretty white. Well, we don't use the word white. Oh, why not? Well, it's like, it is white. What?

What? This is L.A. We don't. I don't get it. Neither do I. No. But the politicians, they don't like the word white.

I don't, I don't, like, I have no idea what's going on with politics. and stuff. Yeah, how off the grid are the homage? I mean, I'd say kind of off the grit. Like completely almost, like 90%. 90 to 80, I'd say, yeah. Wow. I find that refreshing. Yeah. Like, it's nice that your mind, Timothy, can we say your last name or no? No, not my last name. Do you even know my last name? I don't. No, I keep my last name off, like secret. Your last name is secret? Yeah. Well, you just said your last name. Oh, yeah. Ladies and gentlemen, Timothy Secret.

Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the Holland Highway podcast. My very special guest today, Timothy's Secret is here. And unbelievable, good to have you, buddy. Oh, it's great to meet you. You're a very special guest. I think, and I'm just trying to roll the tape back in my mind, I think you're my first Amish guest. I probably am.

Yeah. Wow. Do I get like a reward? Like a... A reward? Yeah. Uh, sure. Do you like cinnabon?

My mom makes like really good cinnabunds. Okay. Well, maybe I can give you a cinnabund later as a reward. That sounds pretty good. Okay. The answer is yes. You do get a reward. It's a nice freshly baked sinabon.

What's this thing? Oh, this is press the button and have some... fun. Okay. That sounds like some scary stuff. Yeah. You buy it for Halloween? Yeah, it's just to keep me company late at night when I'm feeling alone. Man, you don't have a wife? No, but I have a glowing eye and a glass orb. Who needs a wife when you got this, right, Timothy? I don't know. I think I prefer a wife. You would? Do you have a girlfriend? Do you have a girlfriend? Do you have one? No, I don't. You hesitated. I know. Are you keeping? You keeping. You're a girlfriend? You're it a secret secret?

That's why they call him Timothy's secret. Yeah. You're keeping it a secret, aren't you? Wink if you have one. Which eye? Like both of them? Both. Okay. Is it legally winking if you'd use both eyes?

I don't know. I think it's called blinking, then. Blinking. Yeah. Can you wink? Do Amish people wink? Sometimes, yeah. Let's see an Amish wink if you don't want. Whoa!

And then you did you did the little I did Dude you didn't even realize no Like here's what I thought you were gonna do Timothy What I said wink and I thought you're gonna go like that Okay, but dude we're in Hollywood and you went like this you went I did dude oh I didn't even realize try winking again maybe it just automatic Yeah see that was a still one okay but your first one bro sefayosh you were like Oh wow it was sexy

I don't know if I've ever thought of the Amish is sexy Yeah But you just made Amish sexy guy Oh that's pretty cool Do the wink with the little head tilt again Right into your camera Like this? Oh dude

Ladies relax Ladies If you don't have a girlfriend You got a few now Oh like A whole wagon full huh Huh Then you have a whole wagon full?

You could have a wagon full Wow I don't know if I want a wagon full though Yeah who wants a wagon full of girlfriend I don't know. How are you going to pay at Olive Garden with a wagonful? I mean, you go to Olive Garden? Wagon full for Timothy, wagon full, table of 48.

Wagon full for Timothy's Secret. 48. Like, how do you pay for a wagon full of girls? I don't know what. What? You make them, like, cook their own food. Bingo. I might have to, what you just said, watch this.

right blink a little bit I did one of yours because I'm with you my guy oh man because it's like you could be are you familiar with Saudi Arabia the Arab culture

no no no so Timothy they have what's called a harem of women many of the men have a harem which is a collection of wives they can have a collection they can have up to

I think they can have up to 5 10 even more who knows how big the harem goes That's crazy. They have, like, a lot of wives? They have a lot. It's called a harem. But you've just created a North American one.

We're now men, and thanks to Timothy, we can have a wagon of women. My guy. What? Can we do a wink with the nod together? Three, two, one. Oh, my God. Oh, we're like making new stuff. You're making new stuff.

Oh, that's pretty cool. Like, guys, every guy out there, hold on. every guy out there thought they could only have one woman or one wife or one girlfriend. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to a wagon of women. That sounds like a lot of fun. Like a wagon of women? A wagon of women. It sounded like you said whacking the women.

Oh, no, I never beat women. Yeah, no, you don't look like you do. Oh, no, definitely not. The Amish don't beat their women. No, they don't. No, they treat them tenderly and nicely. Yeah. Because you've got the headgear, and, and, you've got the headgear, and,

And I know that the Amish... Wait, can I, like, try the headphones on? Yeah, you want to try the headphones? Yeah. Oh, because you didn't hear the theme music. Oh, do you got the theme music? Oh, get the headphones on. Okay.

Oh, you can put your hat wherever you want. Yeah. Do you mind if I try the hat on, or is that sacrilegious? I don't want to break any rules. Oh, I can hear you. Right. Oh, I can hear myself, too. Yeah.

What? Am I allowed to wear the hat or is that... Is that dishonor your people? I don't want to do anything to dishonor. Yeah, you can, like, wear the hat. You sure? Yeah, for a little bit. Just for a little bit.

Just for a little bit. Can I wear it just to do a wink? Yeah. Okay. Wow, what was that? I don't know. I was just like... You're just having fun.

Yeah. You either farted or you're a moose. Try it again. Like... Oh. Dude, this is pretty cool. Do some more. Like more?

Yeah. Oh, wow. You can whisper in it too? Yeah, you can whisper. What happens if you whisper? It just gets your register lower. Oh. But because it's a microphone, they can still hear it perfectly clear.

Oh, so they can hear us a whisper. They can whisper, but if you want to tell me a really deep, dark secret that no one knows, they won't hear that. Oh, so. So if I tell you like a really dark, they won't know. Like how many of you murdered? Oh, I haven't murdered anyone. Restore down the street. I don't have to kill anything but what you want.

Do you like ever go to the barn? The barn? And get some eggs or milk? Boy, let me do this and I want to have a conversation about eggs. Hang on. Okay. And this is pretty cool. I mean, the headphones?

You've never had headphones on, have you? Not like days, no. Right? Are you tripping out player? I don't know. I'm like, uh... Is player tripping out? Oh, this is super crazy.

I mean, I can hear myself, like, the closer I get. The closer you get. Yeah. It's the song, too, the closer I get to you. Oh, that's like an 80s song, isn't it? Yeah, you know it. For a guy that doesn't have a radio, you pick that up immediately. I think we might have a liar here.

Where are you really from, New York? No, I like Minnesota. Okay. Yeah. Can I do the wink? Yeah. Count me down, guy. All right.

Three, two, one. Wagon wink. Oh, yeah. Dude, right? That's pretty cool. All right, we all know it's getting colder. The chilly winter is here, and that's why I want you to get Quince. Quince has the most wonderful, warm, clothing, fabric, outerwear, innerwear.

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Theme music? Yeah, listen in your headphones, ready? Because you didn't hear it the first time. No. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Haarla Highway podcast for the second time because we have a special guest.

Timothy Secret is here and we're going to have a wild time just chitting and chatting. Do you like to cheat and chat? Yeah, I do. We go chit and chat with Timothy on the Hall of Highway Parka. This accent I'm doing is Cajun, by the way.

Oh. Are you familiar with Cajun? No, I'm not. What is that? It's sort of, you ever been down to Louisiana to the Bayou or the Mississippi? No, I've never been there. Oh, well, well,

Well, that's how they talk. It's sort of an infusion of French-Canadian and their own slang. And so they kind of talk like this now. I show I'm glad for you to see me. I guarantee. Who, boy. Do they talk like, like, I kind of like it? Isn't it not?

It is not. It's real nice. They kind of like drop off letter from the word, and they talk real nice and they like to eat spicy fried food now. Ooh, I guarantee. Wow. Isn't that wild? You're pretty good at that.

Where do you learn it? You're not like racist, are you? Am I racist? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, you are? Oh, I hate all people, mostly whites. Oh, wow.

Whites can go right to hell and burn and... Oh, wow. No, I'm kidding. I'm not racist. I love all things, Timothy. Yeah. I'm not racist either. You're not?

No. Do you want to try it? What? Try what? Being racist? Oh, no, no. I'm good. Like, call me a honky, a dirty honky.

What's a honky? That's like a white guy. Oh, so you're a hongy. Monkey? Racist. Oh. You're good at it. Oh, so I'm racist?

Well, yeah. Oh, man. But that's okay. Oh, it is? Just for a minute. Okay. You just were for a second. Does a little bit?

Yeah, as long as you don't keep doing it, you're not racist. It's only when you do it. Okay. But now all you have to do to not be a racist is say, I'm not a racist. And then? And who's going to know? I don't know. Everyone, watch this

I'm not a racist But if I go I'm not a racist you honkies Now I am a racist But right after I said Called them all honkies I go I'm not a racist

Now who knows what I am I don't know I thought you're a dude I'm a dude Yeah And you're a brocefayosh That's like a dude But a bro

But because you're a special guest I added Osefiosch on it Oh so I'm like I'm not special editor anything No, no, no. No, no, you're not special ad. Do you want to be? Can you be? I've never tried that before. Okay, well, you did the racist thing real well. Just kind of, you know how I talked in Cajun? Yeah.

Try that a little and you might sound special ad. Just say, how's the weather today, guy? Like, how's the weather today? But in the Cajun, like... Can you do like the Cajun accent? How the weather today, guy? How the weather today, guy? Is that how or no? It's a little special ed.

You're right on the edge of it. You're on special edge. Oh, do you get, like, benefits from it? Yeah, you get special programs. They can teach you how to knit and canoe. Okay. Twirl around in circles and chase butterflies. I've never chased butterflies.

I've chased a possum already. Yeah, like this one possum. I was walking home from school one day. But you didn't go to school? Oh, grade eight, yeah. Yeah, like I walked to school Okay So the school was like

Right across the field from us So one day I was like walking home I saw a possum So I grabbed the stone And like Beat the crap out of it Murder No that

I was just making them dead But don't they play dead Oh I made sure this one was dead Why you don't like possums No it was snarling at me Are they possums or opossums I've heard the term O possum

No, they're definitely possum. Where does O possum come from? Is that when someone's surprised, they go, oh, possum. I don't know. I mean, like, this one was like, it looked at me funny. So I grabbed the rock and... You dropped the rock? I grabbed the rock and, like, basically killed it.

Yeah. Yeah. He wasn't playing dead anymore. He was dead. He was dead. Yeah. Lights out. I send them straight to heaven or wherever the possum goes.

Possum heaven. Okay. They have heaven? Oh, yeah. There's a possum heaven. Wow. It's very, it's unlike, you know, in our heaven, we get wings and we flap around. Yeah?

But in possum heaven, they play dead so they just lay around. It's very quiet up there. Wow. Yeah. They're dead, but they play dead? They play dead. It's a defense mechanism. Can you believe it?

Like a porcupine has quills. Okay. An alligator has its giant jaws, snapping jaws. A lion has claws and teeth. A skunk sprays ass sauce or ass gatorade. At smells when they do that. Right. That's a defense mechanism.

So guess what the possum does, and it's genius. They play dead. Yeah, I want to... You didn't have to kill him. He could have done it on his own. Yeah, but when you come back to check on them, they're like, disappeared. Yeah, but you don't know. What do you mean?

Well, if you go away and then come back the next day, what do you care if he's dead or alive? Well, that way he's not like sneaking around anymore and trying to eat the chickens. That's why you killed him. They're chicken eaters. They can be, yeah. See, I get it.

I was like, why would Timothy crush the skull of an innocent little critter? But he's... Oh, he wasn't innocent, and he was looking at me funny. He gave you a sideways glance. I don't know. He looked like... straight in my eyes and make like a snoutling noise or something. Can you do that to me?

Like a snaddling noise? Like recreate what he did. Pretend I'm you. I'm whistling down the field. I'm walking through the field. You said the field? Yeah, I was walking home from school in the pasture. Okay, you're walking through the pasture.

I'm you. You'd be the possible. Yeah? And he's like snart. No, you got to do it. You got to act it out. Like be him. You can't,

possums can't talk. So when I look at you, that's your kid. you to, I'm not going to do it for you. I could do it. I'm an actor. Oh, you are? Oh, Timothy. I could, I do one of the most best snarling possums in the business. Merrill Streep did one once in Bridges of Manesson County. They say mine is better than hers. Wait, really? So I'm going to recreate it. I'll be you walking through the field. Okay. I turn, I look at you, and then you do the exact noise and look that the possum did that you smashed in the head with a rock. Ready? I'll try.

I don't remember exactly what the sound was. I think you just did the cowardly lion from Wizard of Oz. Oh, what do you mean? That was more like, you're like, RR. Have you ever seen the Wizard of Oz? No. Oh, you'd love it. It's about a little girl who puts on red shoes

and drops acid and flies to a world full of midgets and witches. And monkeys come flying down, and they fly through the air, and a scarecrow comes alive with a tin man and a talking lion. and they go all the way to this weird kingdom and talk to a giant green bald guy and then float away.

That's like a movie? Yeah. Wow. And that sounds like really, I don't know if I'm speech and it sounds like different. Well, here's how, here's the real kicker. Guess how they get there. They step into a tornado.

But if you step into a tornado, you die. Or you go to this place with the midgets and the scarecrows and the tin men and the talking lions and the flying monkeys and the witches. You know, there's witches, there's good witches from the east and bad witches from the west. Oh, really?

Yeah. And if you drop a house on a witch, their legs curl up. Oh, they do? I'm just telling you what I know. Wow. I don't know if I want to watch that movie. That's the thing sounds like different.

Yeah, I don't want that for you. Yeah. Can I drink my water? Yeah, can we drink together? Yeah. Do we say prayers before? I know in the Amish community you're very sort of wholesome and religious, which I like. Yeah.

Is it religious or is it your own thing? Would you call Amish a religion? It's a little bit of both because there's like a... I'd say a little bit of religion, but it's like Christians. Christians? Yeah. So before we drink, do we customarily say anything to... Is there a ritual we do?

Oh, no, not if we're just like drinking water. And what if we slurp? Because I'm a slurper. But slurping. Like this. Oh, you know that? That's a slurp. Okay.

Oh, yeah. Like, mom told me not, like, when I was younger, like, not to slurping stuff. Because, like, it's not, like, polite. Sorry. Oh. I apologize. I don't think my mom's here. You bet your ass she isn't.

Can we get back to eggs? Oh. Oh, yeah. Like, one thing I've noticed about, like, eggs, like, that at the store. Why do they, like, there's a white, like, the eggs that we have are, like, all brown. What color are the eggs? Like brown? You're the first one you said?

Oh, like the white eggs? Why? No, like, those eggs aren't good. White. Oh, what do you mean? It's LA. We don't say white. What?

Do you say Mexicans? Yeah, you could say that. But, like, what do you call me, then? The Casper to go with her Just say Guy Guy? So you can't say white? Say LA, guy Oh

They just Oh man Yeah Sounds like I need to go home then No no Must you see a tornado nearby You can step into that and you'll go home Oh man I don't want to like end up

Whatever like you were explaining earlier Yeah no But eggs see here's the thing with the Amish You collect your own eggs. Yep. And I feel like you guys have a way with eggs. The way you handle them, the way you touch them, it's different than us. I don't know.

I mean, I just grab the eggs and, like, put them all in one bath and make sure you don't break them or anything. I feel like you have nutty egg fingers. What do you mean? Like you have special Amish egg fingers. Oh, no, you just kind of go down in the chicken coop and grab the eggs. Can you demonstrate? You have eggs? Would you mind showing us with your...

Amish fingers, your egg fingers. What do you have eggs around? Oh, these are like the right colored eggs, too. What are the other ones? No, these are like the ones that we have. These look like the one. Can I see? What are the ones you don't have?

The guy eggs. Can you just arrange the egg? Show us how, hold them up to your camera, if you don't mind, Timothy. It's like, oh, these are like organic. Yeah. What? Vegetarian FedEx?

Yeah. Dude, I've never heard of that before. See? I thought all chickens were like, I thought they were all vegetarian. No, most chickens love a good steak. They love meat. Oh, our chicken doesn't. Most chickens, if you look into the coop, they're sucking on ribs or a T-bone.

Those must be McDonald's chickens. But hold that up if you don't mind so your camera can see. Dude, these are actually like the right kind of eggs, too. Hold them up so they're right up here. Like right up here. Right there. And if you could just move, place the eggs around and show us how it's done. I don't know.

With your egg fingers. Like just like that. Wow. See, there's something. Look at you. What? I don't know. They're just something about.

I don't want to break them or anything. Oh, that's okay. Yeah, they feel like. Right? What are you feeling? What are you sensing? Oh, they're a bit like they're a bit on like the smaller side. Okay.

So you think the chickens that laid those have a. smaller asshole? I don't know. I mean, I never looked at. I never, like, go under and look, do you? Do I look under chicken's feathers to see the size of their asshole? Yeah. Oh, that's a bit weird.

I'm an egg eater, not a pervert. Yeah, I like eggs, too. There is something about your hands, though. Oh. No, I'm just, I just, can you hold up your finger? You got these crazy egg fingers. Like, the way you moved them around, it was so delicate.

Oh, it's just moving eggs. You do that every day? I know my little brother does. You used to, though? Yeah. So that's a task that gets handed down to the younger brothers. Yep.

Ooh. How old were you when you stopped moving the eggs? I was probably like 13 when I started doing, like, building houses and stuff like construction. And you handed off the egg duties to your little brother. Yep.

And would you say he has egg fingers now? I mean, if you, I think if you call it that, yeah. Yeah. Yep. You don't think you have egg fingers? I don't know. I actually have like normal fingers. But the way you danced those eggs around,

it was almost like I was watching a Russian ballet, and I was on the edge of tears. Oh, really? It was operatic. Oh, man. I mean, the way you shuffled those eggs around, like a Vegas blackjack dealer with a cob of corn in your pants. Man, I didn't have any corn in my pants, though.

You will. Oh, wow. So are you like, have you ever heard of autism? Autism. Yeah, like the, like tithism? No. What is it? Do you have it or no? I don't know. Describe it. I could tell you if I... I mean, I don't know. Like, no one has ever, like, like,

ascribed, like, ascribed it to me. Extracted it? Like, described it. Well, what do you think it is? Because maybe I don't know. I'm glad you brought it up. I don't know. I mean, I don't even know how to, like, describe it or anything. Autism.

Yeah. Maybe it means I love cars? I don't know. I mean, do you like cars? Yes. Maybe I have autism. Oh, do you think you have? Well, I love cars.

Yeah. But someone sent me, like, a test? Because, like, I always get accused of having autism. I don't have it, though. I don't think so, even though I don't know what it is. Yeah. Do you like cars? Cars are pretty cool. But you drive wagons, if I'm correct.

Yeah, wagons and buggies. And then sometimes the neighbors, like, I remember, like, the first time the neighbor ever let me drive his car. Like, I sat on his lap. So, wait, you spent your whole life in buggies, and then one day a neighbor had a car, like an auto? Yeah, so one of our neighbors was, like a driver. Like, he drove us around if we needed to. Wow. And then, uh, what, one time?

me, I was like eight years old. I sat on his lap, and he, like, let me steer the car. What happened? I went into the ditch. I was, like, going back and forth, into one side of a ditch, into the other. So. So just to roll up at, your neighbor invited you over.

Well, I was riding with my neighbor, and you told me I could sit on his lap and, like, steer the car. That's what he told you. Yeah. And then I did. And you sat on his lap? Yep. For how long?

I don't even know. Did you go over any speed bumps, do you remember? No, this was like in a driveway. His driveway or? Yeah. I don't know it's our driveway. You have a driveway? Yep.

For the buggy? Yep. And how fast were you going when you were sitting on his lap? I don't know. I was like trying to keep it on the driveway, but I was like going in a ditch and everything. Sometimes that happens when you're driving and there's a young boy on your lap. You'll go off the road. No, I was like driving.

You were driving on his lap? Yeah. Yeah. Sometimes in this world, in L.A., especially, a lot of people will go off the road when there's a young boy sitting on their lap when they're driving. Are they, like, trying to breastfeed him or something? Something like that, except with their bottom.

Oh, that sounds like pedophilia. Yeah, we don't want to talk about that. Yeah. I'm not up. I don't stand again. I don't like, I'm not. I'm not up for any of that stuff. No, no.

And that's why there's a purity to the Amish community that I think we all are envious of. Oh, you are? We are. I think most people who live in the big bad city, Timothy, are envious of the purity of your lifestyle. Yeah, I know, I don't think I could live in the city. I was just like a first time I'm in L.A. Yeah. And you just look around.

I mean, there's trash on the street. I mean, it's just all kinds of concrete, like concrete, more concrete. And even more concrete, if you look a little further. Yeah. It's almost like depressing a little bit. Like, all the lights are pretty cool, but like, like, I don't know if I wouldn't want to live here. It's a tough place. Yeah.

Plus, you can't even say white. What is it? What? What were you saying? Oh, you can't even say white, apparently. Yeah. I didn't know that. I didn't know that was offensive.

You can say it. But. Oh. Can I say it? Sure. Okay. Do I get like the past? Yeah. Okay. Yeah, like, so you can say white. You can.

Okay. Why do you like chop? Why do you like chump like that? It's just it's L.A. L.A.? Yeah. Oh, man. Oh, yeah. Is that anything good like in East L.A? Well, it's a tough town. And I worry about you. Yeah?

Because you're in this town and this is new for you, isn't it? Yeah, it's like when Crocodile Dundee went to New York. Oh, yeah. You're like... I want to go there something. You're like Amish Dundee. Is that a good thing? Yeah, that's a good thing.

Oh, okay. Wait, is he that like Australian guy? Yeah, he was the Australian guy. Oh, no way. Remember he lived out in the outback? No. And he'd never been to a big city. Are you pushing the eggs at me?

Yeah. Okay. Okay. Oh. So what I want to do to ensure, sure your safety, because I care. I feel like your big brother almost. Okay.

Your big autistic brother. Okay. Your big autistic white brother. What I did is I want you to learn a bit of the street lingo. So if something happens, I want you to be prepared. Like what kind? Like I've got some lines here that I'm going to help you. And I'll read the first part.

Oh, no, like which one do I read? You'll read the yellow part. Where's my reading glasses? Do you need them? Yeah. For real? Yeah. Alex, do you have Timothy's reading glasses?

No, I don't know. Oh, he doesn't need them. He just pulled a Amish prank on me. I've been on punked. Do you have like sunglasses or something? Yeah, I got sunglasses, Timothy. Oh, that'd be awesome. There you go.

I want to feel included too. Hey, everybody. It's a new year. and we don't want to let opportunities slip through our fingers this year. So let's freaking quo. That's right, I said it. QUO. Today's episode is sponsored by Quo,

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Whenever applicable slash possible, www. www.com slash harland. Yeah. You have like, what kind of sunglasses do you have on? The ones that deflect the sun.

Like the red ones there? These are reading glasses. Oh. Are those okay? Yeah, these are good. These work, like, really good for me, too. Okay, so here, I'm, pretend you're on the mean streets of L.A.

Okay, is there like... And I'm going to walk up and I'm going to be like the gangbanger. I'm going to be the bad guy. Okay. And then you're going to answer in yellow. I'm going to answer in yellow? So let's do the first one. Okay.

Here we go. Let me see. This is a guy coming up to you and asking you for a light for a cigarette. So I come up and I go... I don't carry a light though. No, but this is how you respond. Oh, okay, okay. So ready?

Yeah. Hey, man. You got a light. light? Nah, I ain't got no fire player. Step back. Is that how you do it? Yeah.

Oh, okay. You can drag it out a little slower and a little more like kind of attitude. So let's try it again. Okay. Hey, man, you got a light? Now, I ain't got no light fire. Wait, what? Oh.

Let's try it again. Okay. Hey, man, you got a light? Now I ain't got no fire player. Step back. Great. Is that how you do it? That's great.

Okay. Let's do the next one. Okay. And now when I say this one has the word heat, that means I've got a gun. Oh, you got a gun? So this one's intense. Oh, man. Ready?

Yeah. Hey, you want to feel my heat? Nah, I ain't trying to hear Nata. What is that O? Yeah, N'O. Not all that G-D step back player. Players got to play, G. Is that how you do it?

Yeah. Man, that's, is that how they talking like the street? Well, this is how you do. talk to, A, to get respect and let them know you ain't no one no one's fool, gee? Oh, I just like talk normally then. I know, but here you need this.

The way you talk, you'll end up almost like that, remember when you're sitting on the guy's lap? Yeah? No, he's like a very nice guy, though. I know, but down in the bad parts of L.A., sitting on the lap is a whole new

thing. Like, have you done it? Oh, the lap I've sat on. Yeah? Good Lord. Have you ever seen a horseshoe crab? Uh-uh.

They walk sideways. Oh, they do? I walked sideways for about seven months. Man. I've sat on one too many laps, and I don't want to, but sometimes just life pulls you that way.

Yeah. A little bit of talking pole. What is it? Oh, it's a little bit of talking pole. What's that? I don't know. Like you said life pole you that way. Life pulls you that way.

Sometimes life pulls you in weird directions. Yeah. So if you get stuck downtown L.A., let's do the last one. Okay. This is where I come up to you, and I realize you're Amish, and you're in my neighborhood. You're in my L.A. neighborhood. And so I'm going to come at you, and then you're going to come back at me. Oh, this looks pretty funny. I'm reading it.

What you looking at, gang? I ain't playing no Amish, son. Step back player, Quaker Oats. Ain't got no meat, gang. Why you be getting all goofy up in my hood? Slide back home, fries. Home fries. Slide back, home fries.

Slide back, home fries. Is that how you doing? Yeah, dude, you're sad. No way. Yeah, you're set. Man. Why does your paper have way more lines than my paper? Because these are more questions.

Oh. That I'm going to ask you. If you want. Yeah, I don't have, yeah, my lines ran out. Your lines, these are just to keep you protected when you're like on the mean streets of L.A. You're going to be good. Yeah. Great.

Good job, guy. Oh, thank you. We were talking earlier about the girls. You don't beat the Amish girls, right? Oh, no, no, I don't. And is it true or not true? And I'm just going off of what I've seen. Do you do origami?

What's origami? It's the art of folding paper into small animal shapes. If you want to make a small animal... I know how to make a plane. Go for it. Not an animal, but still. Yeah. We used to make these in like school and stuff.

Origami is origami. What's that? Whether it's aeronautics or a stupid swan or a draught or a little bunny. You know how to make a draft? Well, origamiists do. origami is the art of folding paper into funny animal shapes but you've kind of superseded it and gone right into the aeronautics industry yeah we I was only taught to make like a plane

because like you can throw them you can throw a plane oh yeah soaking the Incredible Hulk yeah how many times have you been on a plane by the way ah like the very first time I was on a plane I like chumped out of it say what now yeah like the very first time time I was like me and my buddy. Yeah.

Like the very first time. Who was your buddy? Atley. Atley. Yeah. Is he the guy, just a minute. Is he the guy that lives four fields over and down the lane? Something like that, yeah.

Yeah. Atley. Yeah. Wait, how did I? Wait, I forget. Uh-oh. Oh, yeah. Yeah, me and him, like, the first time

we ever went into a plane. Yeah. Like a really small one. Yeah. We went skydiving. The first time you ever went on a plane, you go skydiving. Yep.

Who are you? I don't know. I'm a homage, dude. Was it fun? It was a lot of fun. I'd do it again. Both of us would do it again. Were you scared?

Not really, actually, no. Wow, you are you? You got one over on me, guy. Oh, but like, so you chumped down and stuff, and then what they do is, like, when they pull a parachute, if it pulls. Yeah. And then you're, like, really tied up against them.

You got to tell them you're not interested. Like, you only hear for, like, the chomping stuff, they, like, losing you up. And, like, when they loosen you up, you just going to drop. Just kind of drop. And, uh... Is this the one where the guy's on your back?

Yeah. So it's the reverse of sitting on your neighbor's lap almost. Almost, yeah. But let's see if I got this plane right. All right, yeah. I hope. I don't know if I even get it. Oh, this is looking good. I don't know if I even did it.

It's almost like a concord. Do you know what the concord? it is? No? It was a supersonic jet that could fly faster than the speed of sound. Wow. How fast is this like the speed of sound? About just over a hundred miles an hour. Oh wow, that's pretty fast.

Something like that. Oh, you're going to give it a name or something? Oh, dude, it's got a crooked front end. So does my father's face. Oh. How do it? Should I put like Amish Airlines? Yeah. Amish Air. We don't care. We're

Amish Air. Oh, that's actually pretty good. You know, my strong connections ever have come to me with, like, an idea of, like, having, like, an airplane or something. An airplane. Yeah, we could always call it Amish Air. And what you want is you want to fly in a plane with a culture that knows nothing about technology. What's that? That's you guys.

Okay. Amish Air. Oh, yeah. And I'll throw to camera three. Do you see camera three way over there? Where? Right over there. the farthest camera.

Okay. And that's going to give you the best cinematic shot. Right, should I wear my hat for this one? I would wear the hat for safety reasons. Okay. I want to hear myself, though, still. You could still put them on,

or you can put them on behind like this. Like this? No, you take or put them under your hat. Oh, under my hat? Under your hat. There you go sneak them in underneath. Oh, dude, they just fall off. Oh, yeah.

Can you shrink your head? Try that, oh. I'll just not wear them for a little. Just for a minute. Just while you're flying. Okay, do I like push this away? Yeah, you can move this away and then shoot right into camera three. Yeah.

Wow. Oh, I think that was a pretty good airplane. Amish Air, we don't care. Put your hat under your hair. We'll go anywhere. Dude, that's actually a pretty good thing. You want that? Amish Air?

Amish Air. Oh, that's a pretty good idea. I mean, Amish Air. Amish Airlines Amish Airlines The only airline Where you can wear your hat Yeah well

Like Yeah I don't know I mean If you know If I had like my own airplane company Yeah I'd always make sure there's parachutes in it Why

Because like let's say the plane Like crashes or anything You need a parachute to chom-up Yeah that's true Most airlines don't have a parachute No they just have like a They have a life jacket A life jacket

Yeah I mean you could jump out With a life jacket Maybe that air will cushion your fall a little bit. What I'm wondering is how is a life jacket going to save you in 9-11? In 9-11? Yeah. I don't know if office buildings have emergency life jackets. I don't know.

I think they have emergency fire escapes. Oh, yeah. Like it's rare you'll see a skyscraper light on fire and someone puts on an orange, you know, life preserver. That doesn't make too much sense. Yeah, it's probably more flammable than anything. you're going to look like a torch I guess yeah that would actually be true

you would look like a torch but I wanted to ask you because the women we go back to the women we don't hit the women no no no and is one of the customary things you have the hat

but the women if I'm wrong correct me they wear these beautiful little bonnets on their heads the bonnets go on the outside and then like on the inside it's like a cap a cap

yeah we call them caps. Like it looks like a little cap. Like white. Yeah. What color? It's like white. And but the younger ones were like black ones.

Like like, was it, hmm. Like, is it like until you're like 10 or until you're like 12? Like the girls like, yeah. Like go to church or like any like just normally that they were like black caps.

Black caps. Yeah. But then when they, once they get older, they start wearing like white ones. And you, I just think it's such a beautiful look. The idea of spousal abuse or wife abuse,

you can't hit a woman in a bonnet. Do you do, do you like abuse your wife? Who, me? Yeah. No, no, my wife wears a bonnet. That's pretty, that's pretty, I thought you, you thought I was a wife beater? I didn't know.

Do I look like a wife beater? I don't know. I mean, what about the dude on your shirt? Oh, that's South Squyosh. Who's that? Do you know Sousquayash? No. It's a mythical like gorilla

that lives in the woods. It's called Bigfoot. Okay. I've heard of Bigfoot. That's the other name. South Squyotch, Yeti, the Abonable Snowman. It has several names.

Wow. Yeah. He's like different people or like? It's just the same thing but in every country there's the same deranged, demented people that think it's real. Okay.

Yeah. Do people just go after them or? They look for it. Some spend their lives looking for it, but you might as well, that's like trying to catch a popcorn fart in a bottle. Yeah. It's never going to happen.

I mean, I've never tried, like catching, like a popcorn fart in a bottle or anything. Have you ever caught a fart, period? No, not like in a bottle. If you were to, not in a bottle, but if you were to try to catch a fart, how would you do it? I mean, how would I do it?

And be honest. I mean, charers sounds like a part, pretty good idea. What? Like a jar? A jar? Yeah, like a mason jar. Yeah, like a mason jar. Yeah. So how would you do it? So somebody farts. Yeah? And then what's your move? Oh, like, they're like, they fart like in the char and you like close it really So you're holding the jar under their anews. No, they're doing that and then they, they catch it really So they're catching their own fart. Yeah. So then you seal the mason jar. Yep. And then where do you put the captured fart? I don't know.

I mean, I don't really, I don't know what the point is of, like, capturing a fart. Well, you said you've never caught a fart. Yeah, I haven't. But if you did, would you save it for a rainy day? When would you open it? And what do you do? Do you spread it with a knife or do you just sniff it?

I don't even know, like, when you would use it. When would you use a used fart? I'm thinking, like, it's a good idea if you don't capture them. Okay. Yeah. So we're letting that. idea go. Okay. Yep. I thought we were on to something for a second. I don't, because I don't really know where you use a fart though like that. Yeah. I mean, maybe at night, some people, I think it helps

them sleep. Oh. Like, have you ever done a fart under your comfortable and you pull it up? You can't sleep and you pull it. It's called a Dutch oven. No, I've never done a Dutch oven. You want to try one? No. That doesn't smell very good. Well, no, but it helps you sleep. It knocks you right out. Your smells, like your farts are that deadly? Well, most people. I mean, there's very few people who fart and it smells like lilacs or pizza. Yeah, I don't know. I mean, I'm not really in the farce like that.

Okay. Are you? Not really. Oh, man. I'm just giving advice. Are you okay? Yeah, I'm just itchy. How come?

I don't know. My back aches everyone throughout. Oh, no. Do you think you're getting back knee? I think I do. You're at that age. You're 18. Yeah.

Yeah. Are you seeing pimples on your back when you look in the mirror? Yeah. Yeah, that's Bacchney. Oh, man. They get you there, huh? Yeah, the pimples on your back. Here it's called acne.

On your back, it's called Bacne. And do you have any pimples on your little white lily ass cheeks? Nope. Because that's asny. Oh, it is? Yeah. Man. So, like, it's not good to have?

That's okay. It's just part of growing. Okay. You're 18. You're going to notice hairs are. coming in down there. You'll start to see hairs coming in. Wow.

You'll start to see hair coming here and right over the pink worm. Wow. You're going to start to see hair coming around the calamari ring. You're becoming a man. I guess I am. Yeah.

Have you noticed any of the hairs coming in yet? I don't know. I must be a late bloomer or something. Well, you're just a young man. Sometimes it starts at 13, sometimes a little later. Yeah. It's fine.

Okay. Yeah. Happens to all of us. Can I like try to have phones again? Yeah, but please put them on. And will you take your hat off? I wanted to try and respectfully sort of match your look. And I got to tell you, Timothy.

That sounds really cool again. Right? Yeah. I think I got it right this time. You got it right. Wait, did I put it on the right side? Yeah. What's it say?

Should say R and L. Oh, this says L. Yeah, so that goes on your left ear. So I had it on right, like this is in that way. There, there you go. Okay. And the reality is even if you flipped it around, you'd still hear the exact same thing. Oh, really?

Yeah. Okay. See, watch. So you hear something different now? What? Or not... Yeah, it's not that we've been saw a fish. Why's been sorry?

So there'd be a bit of the right, where are you now? Everything was backwards. And so what? What? What? So I'll just be in on see? Turn...

Hold on. Is it good? Who's the girl? What? What did they? I can't understand. Oh, I don't know. I don't know.

I'm like, you know, a little bit... What? Oh. I don't know if you're here, but I think he'd have to sit here. Yeah.

Yeah. It's really? It's so, that we're just like, we'd hear of there? Do you have been herepus? Ha. Ha ha.

I said, I don't know that I have I would like to learn you all right. Oh, that's a little bit of What? Yeah, they're

Yeah, I will snap with his office. You know, it's got a way. Ah, man, I will I snap. Mm,

so, a little, that's, oh, I, wish, a, bit,

a, so, do you, will be shnappes near me. Ha ha. What? What?

Stop. I want them to be able to hear all this. Oh, if anyone's like sandwich, they can understand me. Oh, yeah, they can understand me, too. What were you talking? I was talking Amish. Oh, well, I didn't understand it. Well, do you speak Amish?

I do, yeah. What? Uh, hello? You didn't understand a word of that? Didn't you understand what I was saying? I sure did. What was I saying? I'm Amish.

That's all you were saying? You were asking? asking me how do you, when you go to summer camp when you were a boy, what was your canoe instructor's name? And I said, Don Smith. And then you said, were you a good canoeer? And I said, I was great. Oh. You don't remember your own words? No, I wasn't saying that. What were you saying? I don't even remember. I don't either. Yeah. What is the Amish language? I didn't know they had their own dialect, their own language. Yeah, it's like a German dialect called like Pennsylvania Pennsylvania Dutch.

Pennsylvania Dutch. Yeah, it's like it's a German dialect. It's sort of like a mismash the way Cajun is French and, so it's,

is it a, not that this is an insult, but is it a bastardization of German? I don't know. I mean, like, it's just a dialect

though, but. Spreadchen Zed Deutsch? Eudebisditsch, yeah. Uh, a half his henchen on a news?

I'm not on a news, no. Okay. Are you on the news? I've been on the news. Can you speak German? A little bit. I just did. Oh, I see.

Like, I can read German, spell German, but I don't really understand German. But there's a hint of German in the Amish language. Very much. What is the name of the Amish language? Pennsylvania Dutch. Oh, that's it? Yeah. And it's exclusive to Pennsylvania.

Like, if I went... No, no, no, no. It was like exclusive to the Amish. So the Amish, so if I submit some Amish people in Texas, they would speak Pennsylvania Dutch. They wouldn't speak like Houston Dutch. No, I mean, like, I don't know if there's any Almish in Texas. There's Mennonites there.

Like, a lot of Mennonites don't, like, speak Pennsylvania Dutch, but a lot of them do. Wow. A lot of men come out at night in Texas. Yeah, like, like, how many, like. There's women of the night, too. There's the women nights. Like, a lot of those in Vegas, the women nights.

How many men do you think it takes, like, satisfied an army for me? Couple of wagons? Like three men a night. Revel in it. Yes, sir. That's a good one. Oh, thank you. Well, so what are those goofy-looking dudes over there?

These are just wooden carvings just to kind of keep me company. Oh. So what if I, like, if I don't keep you enough company? No, no, you're doing. Great. And I wanted to make you feel at home because I love your hat. Oh, thank you. And so I wanted to get an Amish hat. But there's no Amish in L.A.

No? I looked everywhere. I went to all the hatch. I went to Beverly Hills. I went to Glendale. I went to the Valley. I went down by Malibu. Wow.

Finally down in the Latino community, they had a store called El Amisho. And I got an Amish hat. I hope I'm going to bring it out. Oh, you do? I don't know if it's exactly. The right, but let me... Dude. I mean, I'm trying here, guy.

I mean, do you want to put yours back on? What? What is that? This was an El Amisho down on... Can I see it? Crenshaw and Melrose. Dude, what kind of had is? I've never seen one that big.

I'm a big Amish. Like, we go big. The Mexican Amishes go big. Yeah, the Amish. Yeah. Do you want to try it on? You let me try yours on. Yeah, I want to try that on.

Let's swap hats, guy. No way. Yeah. Oh, that thing looks big. Oh. Yeah. You're going to become M-M-A-Misho. El Amisho.

Like Amish. Yeah. Like, how do you wear this? Just on your head. It's a hat. Like this? Oh, dude. Wow.

Oh, dude, it's pretty sturdy, too. You're almost the king of the Amish. I feel like it. Amish have a leader? Like the bishop. Like is that, what are the names of the, like Clyde or Jacob? Caleb? Oh, they're like, there's, there's Jacob.

But like, usually like the bishop. Like, this hat is like different. You are, you are Amish. Do the wink with that, oh my guy. Boom. You love it. You're like the little Dutch boy. I just got my eye

My mom did that to me the other day Why? She just cut my hair And like cut right in here She cut your eye into your eye Like up in my eyebrow, yeah Your mom cuts your hair Yep

I love it Oh yeah Like this is like an interesting hat Because I've been recently like Making friends in the like the Mexican community Wow Yeah Like I've been learning all kinds of Mexican words

Hit me Like Oh what is like Fritos and then Well, not necessarily Mexican More like corporate America Okay, okay Um

Oh yeah One of my buddies He taught me how to like How to say like If you see like a girl Yeah Not like a child or anything But like

What do you call them? Oh And I can't think of it right now For some reason Latina No Cholos It wasn't the

Cholos. Vartos? Not Vartos, no. No? Oolale. That's like, like, you know what Ola Le means? Yeah, that's a soap. Oil of Olai? No, like Ola Le?

Ola Le. Yeah, my Mexican friend told me, it's like, his face like, say, like, kind of what's up. Like, hey, I'm outmish dude. Olale! Wow. Yeah. Would you go out with a Mexican girl?

I don't know. I mean, I've never really hung around. New Mexican girls. So do Amish children and people have to stay within the Amish community to date and marry? Yeah, like you've, yeah. Everything's like within the community. It's forbidden to date outside. Like, it's forbidden to date anyone that's like not Amish.

Right. So you couldn't, even if you went down with your beautiful Amish hat and met a Latina, and you maybe fell in love with her, you would be forbidden. It's like a modern day Romeo and Julie Amish. Yeah, I don't know what that is. It's like, have you heard of Romeo and Juliet? No. Oh.

You want to have three hats again? Sure, sure. That hat's like crazy. Isn't that wild? Yeah. I bet you didn't come here today thinking you'd learn something about headwear. No. Romeo and Juliet is a play written by William Shakespeare.

Are you familiar with Shakespeare? No. Okay. Dr. Seuss? I've heard of Dr. He's like green eggs and ham, right? He's like the other Williams Shakespeare, but the American one. Okay. Yeah.

Like green eggs and ham? Speaking of green eggs and ham and food. Yeah? Talk about gravy in your community. I don't really like gravy. You don't? No. But is it a big deal in your community is great?

I feel like gravy's a go-to. Oh, gravy is pretty good, yeah. Right? Like with mashed potatoes and stuff. Is there a lot of it made? in the Amish community? I'd say there's a decent amount. Like there's different kinds of gravy,

like gravy with meat, normal gravy, and then there's like white gravy. Wow, I almost feel like we're in Forrest Gump. Who's that? It's a movie where, but instead of gravy, talked about shrimp. Honey fried shrimp, butter shrimp, tamperish shrimp, garlic shrimp.

But you were naming all the gravies. It was wild. I only know like a couple of gravies. Well, let's, can we... What else do you have done there? Well, we have some gravy. What idea of that here? Well, I just thought because we'd talk about it,

and I think gravy's underrated. That looks like applesauce. And I wrote a song just for you. Are you sure that's not like applesauce? That's gravy, my guy. Oh, turkey gravy. Turkey gravy. One of the ones you mentioned.

But I wrote a gravy song for you. If you're okay, I'd love to sing it to you as a kind of a gift. Oh, yeah. Are you okay with that? I think so. Because I don't think people give it enough credit. Oh, gravy is our friend. Shalalala la la.

Gravy is our friend. Shalalala. Shalala. La. Gravy is our friend. I get kind of crazy when I get round the gravy. Oh, shal la la la la la. Shala la la la.

Gravy is our friend. Shal la la la la la la. Gravy! Do you do like gravy rituals? No, it's just a song for you. Oh, okay. Can I smell it? Yeah.

You can taste it if you want. Oh man, it smells like dog food. Yeah. It does smell like dark food. Yeah. Oh, man. But it's still our friend, even though... I don't know.

I mean... You don't know. You can put it outside? Gravy is our friend. Shalalal la la la la la la. Oh gravy is our friend. Shalalal la la la la la Oh shal la la la la

Gravy is our friend Oh shal la la la la la la la la la la ra rae is our friend Shalalala What? No, that's the end of the song Oh yes? Oh man Oh did you not like it?

Now I feel a little awkward That I wrote this song for you And you know No, it was like a good song and stuff Like the gravy just smells like dog food Have you ever tried dog? I know, but can we go around the smell and can I just, I'd like to get a sense if you appreciated my little song for you. Oh, it's a pretty good song though.

You liked it? Yeah. Because it was a gift. Okay. I like you. You can be honest. Did you not like it? No, it was a good song.

Do you want to sing it? You ever heard of Amish Paradise? I'd like to. Oh, I'm not very good at singing, though. No, would you like to sing the gravy song? Oh, no, probably not. I mean, I don't really know how to sing. They want me to teach you?

I don't know. Try, just try. Gravy is my friend. Shalalalala. Lala. So gravy, like you're, so like, are you like married to gravy or something? No, no, but I'm just trying to, we're, I'm trying to celebrate it because I think it gets underrated. Oh, I don't even like gravy.

But try. Gravy is our friend. Shalal la la la la. But am I, so I'm supposed to say. Gravy is my friend. We'll sing it. Like gravy is my friend? I'll do it and then you just read.

Gravy is my friend. Shalalalal la la la la. Okay. So I, what do I go? Gravy is our friend. Shalalalala. La la la la. They're like gravy is our friend?

Shalala. Is that how you do it? Yeah, you want to do it together? We can, yeah. Gravy is our friend. Shalala la la la la la la. Oh, gravy. Keep going.

Gravy is our friend. Shalla la la. La, la, la. That's pretty good. That's fun, right? Yeah. Thanks. Oh, man.

When you go in the buggy. Yeah? Do you ever get this, do you ever get when you're, how many horses do you have? In the buggy, like usually one. One. And when you're out on the road, you're driving with real cars, right? Like there's other cars. You're sharing the road with automobiles.

Yeah. Do you ever get the urge to drag race them? or if a Ferrari pulls up beside you, you look over and go, let's go. I've never, I've never seen a Ferrari pull up. Okay, there goes that story. Have you ever done a drive by? Well, I guess have you ever been a trot by

or a gallop by or a prance by where you shoot one of your Amish neighbors? No. You will, you will. Do the Amish have guns? Yeah, we go hunting. What do you hunt for? Like deer?

Deer. Yeah. And cool. and rabbits. Rabbits? Yeah. What's the biggest thing you've ever shot? I don't know.

I mean, I've gone hunting a couple years, but I never, like, you're talking about deer? Yeah. I'm always looking for, like, a big deer. I haven't shot a deer yet. Oh, you haven't? No, not yet. You want one with a big rack ideally, right? Yep, yep.

What's it called points, right? The antlers are called points. Yep. So what would be the ultimate kill for you? Like a 13 to a 15-pointer That'd be pretty good Wow How about a moose

Would you like to shoot a moose? Oh, that would be fine Have you ever shot a moose? I haven't shot a moose I've seen a moose Oh me too I saw one like for the first time Like a couple months ago

Where? It was in Colorado I think What? Yeah Tell me the moose story guy This guy was like he was like right in front of us and then he slipped it was actually there was like a it was like a it was like a she moose it was like a she moose it was like a she moose and she slipped yeah you know i hate it when hunters

leave their banana peels around in the forest they're like it was just slippy on the road oh i'm sorry i thought it hit a banana peel like like i like i was thinking like she slipped right in front of us because we had like a like a pickup truck with like a trailer okay and uh i wouldn't be surprised with like the people behind us thought we hit the booze because the way the things slipped, it looked like we like run it. Ran into it. Yeah. And also a guy who would smash a possum

in the head with a rock. Why wouldn't you run into a moose with a truck? I wasn't driving or anything. But if you were, you would have rammed it, right? I mean, we did have a Dodge ram. Yeah. But, no, probably not. I mean, I don't know.

One of the final segments I want to do, We're almost done, my guy, and I'm sad because this is fun. Are we having fun? I'm having fun. God, I love having you here. It's a lot of fun. You're such a nice guy. Well, thank you.

Where's, like, your number on here? Oh, there is no number. It's open-ended. The Highland Highway has no start, no finish. It's just wide open. Oh, wow. Yeah. That's pretty cool.

But what I love about your society is, I think there's a real innocence to it, a real purity to it. Yeah. And I think when COVID came around, I even said this out loud, I said, I bet the Amish right now are just going, oh yeah, we did it right.

World burning, but we got it right. World on fire, but not us. Like, you guys self-contained, right? Yeah, like, I didn't even realize COVID was a really good thing. Like, not until, like, I went through the hospital when I rolled the buggy. Then they put, like, made you, like, put on a mask and stuff. So did the, like, I didn't even, like,

Amish even get COVID? I know. Nobody in the Amish community got COVID. No. Not one. Not that enough, no. That's amazing. Someone has to research that.

Yeah. Because that says a lot. That's very telling. What are your thoughts on that? What do you think? Why didn't they get it? I don't know because like we're like self-sufficient. We don't, we don't go like, we don't watch TV, but we don't do anything.

Yeah. Did you, did they, did they, forced the Amish to get the vaccinations? No, no, they didn't. How come? I don't know. Like, they never, they never forced this. Did they even penetrate your community at all?

I mean, they did try to our school down. Like, we did do homeschooling for a little bit. Did you have to wear masks or anything? No. See, something's not right. That tells me, like, why the pass, right? I love it. Yeah.

This opens a whole new chest of questions. Were you just sitting there All the Amish looking out their windows Going look at those idiots They're wearing masks the fools They're getting injections What the hell are they doing We're up here eating squash and cucumbers

And playing with the eggs And gravy is our friend Shalala And they're all Is that what you were doing? Not real We're just kind of like living how we always live I love it

Normally go to work Like tent to her garden Yeah Take care of the cows, pigs chickens All that stuff Can you do A lot of the Amish kids

Can do the pig calling How'd you call your pigs No we butcher them But when you don't you like Don't you learn how to make their noises No What about the chickens I mean when I was younger

I did a little bit Should we do a little I don't know I'm older now I know but can't we have a little Amish fun Maybe we cut like a chicken You pick the animals

And then you pick one for me. I'll pick one for you. Can you like a horse? Yeah. Okay. You do chicken? A chicken? Ready? Yeah.

Oh, that's that. Fuck, fuck, fuck. How do you learn how to do a horse? That was really good. Dude. I've never heard anyone do that. Player got to play, player. That's not like what you talk on the street down in East LA?

If I have to. Oh, wow. I ain't got no fireplay. step back. Right? That's what I taught you. Yeah. And what else did I teach you?

Um, that. Gravy is our friend. Shalalala la la la la la. Gravy is our friend. Shalala la la la. Oh, gravy is our friend. I don't like gravy, though. Oh, God.

I like eating my mashed potatoes like raw with like steak. What? Who are you? What? Nobody does that. You're a cowboy. What do you mean? Like, that's cool.

That's what a stud does, bro. Oh, yeah, I just eat my, I have nothing on my mashed potatoes. You just eat them raw. Yeah, like, with steak. Dude, you're an Amish stud. Okay, is that a good thing? That's, dude. Okay.

You're building your wagon as we talk. Oh, yeah. You might need a second wagon. What about a third wagon? How about a caboo? What's that? That's where you put the ugly ones at the end. The fatties.

But that would, like, weigh down the entire load. I know, but at least you got stability and you're going to make it through the snow. No, they could just walk properly. They could, like... Not the real fat ones. They can't even see their legs. So there's people that can't even see their leg.

Oh, they're huge. They have to cut the roof off to get them out of their house. And you know why? Because gravy was their friend. shal la la la la la la gravey was their friend shal la la la la la la la la they hate too much gravy guy

yeah that's why I don't like gravy good for you you're in good shape yeah I like the clothing is that a specific do you guys make your own clothing? Yeah my mom makes all my clothing I love it there's such a style to it your pants your shirt simple I like the colors

yeah I like blue too it's my favorite It looks great it brings out your blue eyes accentuate your blue eyes. Yeah. People always claim like always wondered if I wear the same clothes. Yeah. I don't.

I just wear it. I just have two different color shirts and that's all I wear. That's all you need. Simplicity, my guy. Yeah. Do you know how complicated people's lives are? I don't know.

Do you know the word therapist? Do you know the words panic attack? Do you know the word anxiety? Do you know the word ADD? You don't know all this crap. No. Well, Theo, like Theo, like Theo Vaughan taught me. about ADD.

He did? Yeah. He taught you how to add? Well, I thought it was a ad, but it was like, apparently it's like, if someone tiggles your brain, it's like that. Oh, is that what he said? Yeah. You know he's insane, right?

No, he's seen pretty cool. I love Theo. Did you have a good time with him? Oh, he was very nice. Yeah. Isn't he the best? He was very nice. He might be one of the funniest guys ever.

Did he make you laugh? Oh, he did, yeah. Did he sing you a gravy song? No, he didn't. Maybe next time. When I go back visiting him again, maybe we need to play some Amish Paradise. Some Amish Panty, what? Some Amish Paradise.

What's Amish Paradise? It's like a song by Woodla Yankevink. Oh. Yeah. Oh, is there an Amish song? Because you guys sing hymns in church, right? Yeah, but like this song's like, like, we don't play this song. Oh.

But I listen to it. It's pretty good. It's like a, it's called Amish Paradise. Wow, by the dashboard light. I can see Amish Paradise by the dashboard light. No, no. No, it's cold and lonely in the deep dark night. Paradise by the Amish dashboard light.

Ain't no doubt about it. Is that it? No, it's by like Weird Al Yankovic. Oh, I was way off. Yeah. I have a song. What's that? Gravy is my friend.

Shalalal la la la la. Oh, gravy is our friend. Do you like gravy? Shalala la la la la la. Do you like gravy? I do. Okay. I don't really like it.

Well, I wrote a song for you about it. Oh, man. It was a good song, though. Thank you. Yeah. At least you like the song. You don't have to love the gravy, but you like the song. Yeah.

As a final thing before our final bit, one of the things that you do in your community as a gesture is you help each other, which is another thing we don't do here in the real world, at least with not any authenticity. Here people will pretend to help you. Oh, can I help you, but they don't really want to. Oh, really?

But you folk, you beautiful folk, you want to help your neighbors. You gather together to raise your neighbors up and help them in their times of need. And one of the things that's very symbolic of that is you do barn raisings, am I correct? Yeah. You help each other put up a barn because a barn represents the livelihood of your neighbor.

It does, a little bit, yeah. And so I don't have all the materials for a barn handy. Okay. But as a bond between me and you, I'd like to start the process for when the rest of the lumber comes in and when I buy my land. Yeah.

And so as a symbolic gesture, I would love to But you have another thing back then? Well, I have some lumber And I know we can't build the whole barn But man, this is this for like Firewood after a barn is built But if we can just sort of raise up

The beginnings of a barn and just join them You know how people cheers Could we touch the board And start the beginnings This is our beginnings of a barn Ladies and gentlemen being Timothy we just bonded for life

right there guy wait who cut this thing it's not even cut right well let's not like it wappled a little bit well let's not ruin the barn before it's up yeah but if you don't put it up right away

it'll fall over I know but I bought the it's just Home Depot lumber oh man whoever whoever caught like the bottom part of this they're like didn't cut it square idiots

You've got an eye for lumber, Guy I'll give you that Yeah You've got an eye for lumber Your little egg fingers They can I put like this down? Yeah, put it down We're gonna do our final segment buddy

Are you getting exhausted? No Wait, what's that? You might recognize this Does some of the people in your community Wear these? No, no They will

I've never seen a shoe like that Like actually Yeah, this is from Holland Oh, why are they're like stuck in here? Don't touch it yet. That's our final segment. Oh, okay. But you can look at the shoe.

It's not like the ocean. You don't put it on your ear and you hear a foot locker. Dude, this is pretty cool. I've never actually seen these shoes. I would think that maybe at one point in your culture's history they might have worn some of that, because isn't

part of the Amish community? Is it Dutch-based as well? I think the antist is like Swiss-Terman for the most of them. Yeah. So there might have been a time when those shoes actually circulated in your... Can I wear it or no? You can wear those, yeah. Like I don't want to wreck it or anything.

This is pretty cool. Isn't that wild? So why do we do it? So here we do. This is the final segment and I hate for it to end, but we've got to end it sooner or later. We can hang out again later sometime. Okay.

Me, you and Theo, will go down to Walgreens and shopping. I like what Theo loves to shoplift oh it does yeah me and you and him will go down to Walmart or Target isn't that like stealing stealing he loves it oh we love to steal together me and Theo are you doing oh we'll go into lows and steal light bulbs and go out in the parking lot behind the dumpster and smash them 40 waters 120 waters what yeah he loves it klepto he's a big klepto Theo Vaughan huge clepto. He steals women's products from Walgreens. He'll steal feminine pads and stick them to children's foreheads. He does? Yeah. He never get that one. I was there. Yeah, he'll get, have you seen the tampons with the wings? He'll walk up to it. It's like a tampon. It's a pad for a woman during her time a month, and it has an adhesive on it, so it sticks to the panty, and Theo will shoplift them and run up to children on the street and slap it to their foreheads. Oh, really?

He's a nut. Wow. Loves to steal. Yeah, shoplifter. Plecto. And I do it with them. Wow. I do it with them.

That sounds crazy. It's fun. We have our fun. So if you want to join in. I'm good. I'm good. Okay. So what we do is you reach into this shoe, Timothy.

There's random words in here, my guy. Okay. You pull one out, you read it, and see if it relates to something that happened to you in your short 18-year life. Maybe it triggers a story or a memory. Could be something with you. Could be something you saw. Could be, what was your friend's name again?

Attlee. Could be something Attlee did. And what was your Mexican friend's name? Ah, he told me his name was creep, like creeper. Creeper, yeah. And did he have a tattoo that's an MS-13 on his forehead or anything? No, he just had a mustache and a bandena. That's good enough.

Yeah. So reaching the name. and grab a word. Anything? Yeah, any word you want. Okay. Grab one and read it out loud to the folks. What does that say?

Hang on. Pornomag. What's that? Pornomag. Oh, like, that's like, like, like, a porn magazine? Yeah. Oh, I have absolutely nothing.

You have nothing? No. Can we pick another one? No, I think that was the person. perfect ending. I love it. That's a testament to your purity. I hope you always have it, Timothy, because it's more valuable than anything. The way you live, the way your mind is, the purity, the innocence, please hold on to it your whole life, my boy, because it's, it is better than anything you could ever buy or want or need. You're doing it right. You're very

lucky. You're blessed. And your community is wonderful and beautiful. I'm glad you let us share with you today and have a little fun. And you're a wonderful, beautiful, warm person. And thank you for being here. Do you want to say anything to everyone before you leave, Timothy? Yeah, just stay safe out there. You know, crazy world. Have you ever seen a penthouse magazine? No. Hustler? I have no idea what that is. busts, boobs and bazongas? No. Cherry? No?

Club International? No? Shaved beavers? No. Pink slips? No? Wet ones? No?

Brown ariolize? No. Slippery? Anyways, folks, this has been the Harle and Highway, the Halle Highway podcast with my very special friend Timothy. We're not

saying his last name, but we call him Timothy's Secrets. And folks, thanks for being here. Until next time, chicken chalmain. And remember, gravy is our friend. Shalala la la la la. Ready?

Gravy is our friend. Shalalal la la la la. Say goodbye, Timothy. Hi. pretty cool. So it's out then? What? So it ended now? Wait until the music ends and then you know it's over.

Now it's over. It's over. Audio? Yeah. Okay. I didn't hear the music. Oh, you didn't have your headphones on? No. It's okay. It's like the music different? Like as it goes out? Well, I can do it again if you want.

Oh, yeah. Okay. You tell me when you're ready. All right, I'm ready. Oh, that sounds pretty cool. Wait, how are you talking like that? Wait, how are you talking like that? Are you enjoying the music, Timothy? Yeah.

Yeah. Thank you. Thank you for being here today. Welcome to Los Angeles, Timothy. How about Playboy? You ever seen Playboy? No. Okay, well, I ended on that.

on that. Hey everybody, how would you like your very own personal video message from me, yours truly? It's your birthday, it's your anniversary, it's your graduation, or you just want me to make you laugh. You get to pick the topic, you want me to discuss, give me some talking points, and off we go. You can get it for yourself or get it for a friend. It's super easy and fun. Just go to the Cameo app on your phone or to Camio.com. And I record a custom video made just for you or your loved one. Your very own personalized Harland.