The Harland Highway - ANDREW SANTINO sure knows how to moisturize, talk about shrimp, and be part of Spongebob Squarepants

Episode Date: November 5, 2024

This episode is sponsored by: HIMS & Mando! Start your free online visit today at Hims.com/HARLAND with promo code: HARLAND Control Body Odor ANYWHERE with @shop.mando and get $5 off your Starter Pack (that’s over 40% off) with promo [HARLAND] at ShopMando.com! #mandopod Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hi, I'm Danny L'Priori. Ever get the feeling you're being watched online? It's not paranoia. It's data brokers. These companies collect your personal information, including your browsing habits, where you live, and even who you're related to, and they sell it to the highest bidder. That's where ORA comes in. ORA automatically removes your personal info from data broker sites and keeps it off. It also monitors the dark web, safeguards your device.

devices, alerts you to real-time threats, and more. Start your free trial at ora.com slash control. That's a-U-R-A-com slash control for your free trial. I think someone's got a really bad case of icing face. Me? You know, you look like a cinnabon right now, right? Look me up. You look like the Pillsbury dough boy broke into your house in the middle of the night

and had a fantasy on your face. He assaulted me. I don't know if you ever saw 101 Dalmatians. I can't stop watching it. You look like number 87. Are you serious? He was the cutest one out of the... That's my favorite one.

Which one do I look like? 102. But there was only 101. That's the one that didn't make it, mate. Dude, you look like you probably spent the whole night down in West Hollywood at a fun, fun party. You know what I like about those parties? The fun? No checks.

Yeah, it looks like it. No checks. You're riding down the Harland Highway All right, hold tight on the Harland Highway show Harland Williams About to do Harland now Wait what? Literally

Going to Whoa, whoa, dude These are, I'm hearing your inner monologue Then pod. Yikes. Lull. L.O.L. Little does he, no.

I don't intend on podcasting. Just sex with him. You know I don't party on Funboy Street, right? Okay. He says he bets your butt is clean. No, he said I don't party on Funboy Street. He says he bets your butt is clean. Who are you talking to?

Nanya. Nanya, the girl that did that song, Sail away, sail away, sail away. Why are you talking to, why are you talking to Anya? Boom boom ba, boom, ba. That's love, that's love making music, isn't it? No. What do you make love to?

What's your go-to song? Death metal. No way, like priest or maiden or? No. Like what? it's usually something really hardcore probably bands you don't know you're not in the death metal wow so that's your love making tunes yeah you're not in the death scene at all you don't know anything about them right i've never made i don't don't make love like that you know you know

um do you know wrangle strangle do you know those guys not personally wrangle strangle oh you make love to that for play yeah let me so let me just i'm not in your bedroom but i'm picturing you like Seven or eight candles. Wish you were. Maybe what are you doing tonight? Fly guy. Nothing.

Buzzing around. I can drop by. Buzzing around. Yeah. Don't drop by. Don't drop by. At least announce when you're going to come by. Let me know.

But is tonight open? Nope. What about the weekend? I don't like him. I'm not a fan of his music. Yeah. You need the heavy metal. Yeah.

That type of thing. Let's make love. Yeah, that's kind of, that doesn't happen. They don't say that. Yeah. What do they say? I don't know what to hear it. What did you say?

Kill murder. Kill murder. That's just another band that opens for them. Wow. Mm-hmm. What about Guar? Is that one of your... Love, Guar, actually.

Guar's phenomenal. Really? So good. Have you seen them before? Are they the guys that wear the costumes? Yeah. You make love to that? Yeah.

Wow, dude. You know what a part. party on Fun Fun Fun Street. Ooh, this is a cap a chino. Is it? How many will you pound in a day? Six. Six of those.

Six of these. And do you drive when you're on it or do you Uber? Well, after five, I should Uber. You should Uber. I'm a bad boy. Dude. You powered drive. Yeah.

That's me on Laurel Canyon. That was me being an old lady walking across the road. You go right through them. We go right through a senior? Mm-hmm. Oh, dude, what about a wheelchair senior, like a wheel-o? Oh, I'm hitting a wheelie all day. I won't hit a junior, but I'll hit a senior.

You know what's fun when you hit a wheelchair if they just happen? They hear that engine coming. They turn and face you, and suddenly the hood of your car becomes a ramp. If you hit them sideways, they just go like this. Right. When they turn and you hit them and they just ramp right off your windshield, you can get them probably about seven, eight, nine hundred feet. No, not nine hundred feet.

Yeah. And then you get to watch them in the rearview mirror and it's just like, they're canes. Right. You know, diapers flying everywhere, manure. Why manure? Because they manure their pants. They're old.

They're old guy. You're going to do it one day. When you turn old, for some reason your poop goes into manure into a cow dung? Well, it's just a manure's another word for it. Because old people, it's so old. Like, you know, cows have seven stomachs. Old people have five. No way.

Yeah, as you get old, you grow more stomachs. How many do you got? It looks like four right now. That's also what the old people do in their diapers. They capuchin. Yeah. A lot of. Capuchin all over the place.

Ooh. Wow. How many, like, what's the caffeine level? Like, you know how Booze has like Budweiser is 5% alcohol? Yeah. So what's the percentage of the bean? Like, do you even know? No, but I bet you it's less than Coke.

Probably the same as a Coke can of Coca-Cola. Wow. How many milligrams of caffeine are in a cappuccino? I don't know. Wait, are you asking me or someone else? Eight ounce cappuccino typically contains 80 to 128 milligrams. of caffeine. 80 to 128.

Woe. How many milligrams of caffeine are in a can of Coca-Cola? Woz-woos-woes. 40. So what was yours? So I'm two coax. Oh, see? So now I don't feel so bad.

Well, you should for the sugar. It's nothing but sugar. Well, what's that? Coffee. Do you put sugar in it? No. Cappuccino has the sugar. Coffee beans have natural sugar in it.

No, they don't. Like apples. Apples and beans are not the same thing. Yeah, but. Beans up bean sugar. Bean sugar doesn't exist anymore, not after World War II. Dude, everything that grows from the ground or on a tree has natural sugar and a glyosomide, Phersatamide 517.

Goldohide. Yeah. Phyosomide goldohide. Yeah. It's been actually chemically extracted out after World War II. I don't know if you know that. Yeah, but then they did some genetic splicing back in the 70s. 78.

Right. And then this was up in Fresno and Bakerfields, the orchards up there. they reintroduced it, and now the levels are higher than ever because the government and the industry know it's addictive. So welcome to Sugarland on Neil Young's Dildo. First of all, Sugar Boy. Yeah. You're wrong.

It's in Lodi, California, that they did all that extraction, the military testing, okay? You think I don't know what I'm talking about, dude? I've been doing research on this for a dozen years. And a dozen, for you, 12. I know you don't know what that is. What? 12. Like eggs?

Yes. What eggs? A dozen eggs. Yeah. You're calling me eggs? I'm calling you an egg boy. Get over it, pal. You four stomached egg boy.

What the fuck? It does you dirty dozen egg boy. You four tummy having dirty dozen egg boy. You pigly wiggly eating. You nonstop truck stop having. You goof, whisker, wild. Water slide riding. tooth kissing

You coffee slurping Marine biology licking corn on the cow twirling Wagon wheel watch Don't even Churned butter Fungus on a fucking pine tree

sucking No owl egg crossed Cheese dog Saliva weld Snorting fucking relish Off a t-shirt At a Yankees game Licking gargle freak

You're a bad boy Checkmate No I move my queen. I move my queen. I bet you do. I'll move my queen. Bet you do.

Speaking of eating my guy, oh, by the way, hold on. Do you have food? Ladies and gentlemen, here we are on the Holland Highway podcast with my super, my super guest, Santino, they call him. How are you, guy? Who wrote that? The song? Yeah. I have some elves, some elves in the basement. Elves. Elves.

Plural, elves. Elves. I guess you can't say elves. Not in this day and age. Yeah, elves. You be careful, you'll end up on the news. That's a weird one. Elves. That's like leaves, like leafs and leaves. Yeah, leaves. There is a leaf and there are leaves. Leaves and life and lives. I've lived lives. I've lived an elves alive in the leaves. I lived an elf's lives in the leaves. Automatically it turns into him.

Walking. I wrote here. Oh. Did you Christopher? Christopher Walken, I meant. Huh? Christopher Walken? Who's that?

I've lived. An elves lives lives and leaves. Lives lives, lives, leaves, elves lives. You know, he's a figment of our imagination. He's not real? Nope. I just watched him last night in Pulp Fiction. This watch.

I carried it up my ass. Up his ass. Amazing. What a good movie that is. What movie could you watch over and over for the rest of your life? Forrest Gump. That one gets me. Like if I'm late at night in a hotel room or I plop down late at night,

it could be two in the morning. I'll watch two minutes of TV. There's Gump running around with his leg braces. Yeah. There's Gump acting like a tard. I can't shut it off. Can't. Casino for me.

Oh, yeah. Love. I think that's the... Why? Front to back. It's such a good movie. Because it's a beautiful story of demise and about how when you let

when you let all this stuff get in front of you, you become blinded by the light. Like a douche. And then a roller of the night. Blinded by the light. See, that's why. And then you end up. Losing everything

I love that story She got down But she never gonna make it gonna take it To lie You know who wrote that song Edgar Eleanor Rigby Nope Elanor Rigby

Nope Edgar Wright The playwright Nope Evangelical Evan You'll be surprised who wrote that song Well sounds like it Bruce Springsteen actually

Yeah I know. Well, you didn't answer, so maybe you don't know. I do know. I know every song he's ever written. Okay, name three. Atlantic City. Nope.

It's a city. The guys who created Atlantic City wrote the sign. Says Atlantic City, welcome to Atlantic City. So he didn't write it. He didn't write it. He wasn't born yet. Atlantic City pre-existed before Bruce Springsteen. So you want to try another one?

Big Tales and Bobby Cox Sox? No. That happened in the play. playground back in 1942 and first introduced pigtails. He didn't write any of that. No, it was already written. Those words existed pre-him.

He wrote poop on my boots. That's his song. Okay, you got me. I call it manure on my boots. There's poop on my boots. God, I offer my day at work. Poop on my boots. There's poop on my boots. Man, I feel like a jerk. Going home with poop on my boots. I hope my old lady doesn't care.

Going home with poop on my boots. Oh my God, I got poop in my hair. Proop on my boots. Yeah, that was him. You know that was Springsteen. Yeah, you're right. Okay, you got one out of three. Well, that's all I can name then.

That's my favorite song. Okay, you don't have to snap at me. I didn't. Well, you got all edged up. You just snapped at me. guy that's how I reset your brain did you do there watch this what poop on my boots I got poop on my boots and now it's in my hair yep see I got poop on my boots I got poop on my boots I got poop on my boots and now it's in my underwear there's beans have sugar

grin at it like well after the testing that they did in fresno to bakersfield poop in my boots i got poop on my boots and i hope my old lady don't care bum bum bum bob on my boots i got poop on my boots oh my god there's poop in my own hair yeah i think the glycemic index of some of the coffee beans that we are drinking is significantly higher than it should be yeah i agree yeah because what happened is when they put the chloratamide into the philinza and they spliced the beans into that fibrous plant that they call the malonga bean from Kenya.

Yeah, the malonga bean, yeah. It just made that blend in it, the glycomic levels just skyrocketed. No, that's down. Yeah. No, you don't want to go down. Only up. Kind of like when you converse with a lady friend,

you don't ever want down. You don't ever want down. Oh, right. You only want. Yeah, positive, positive energy. Yeah. You never want. What's about, bah, bah.

Yeah. Because then you're sort of talking down to them. Mm-hmm. You're sort of degrading them in a way. Mm-hmm. But with the positive energy. Yeah. Yeah.

Only up. Yeah. Only on the up and up. Um, would you be okay discussing? I know we talk about everything. When we get together, we talk about it. But would you be. okay talking about shrimp and seafood and be honest i'm fine with it even though you know i have a strong

shellfish allergy i just think that's uh you should share your allergy really i don't think it should be shellfish well get it out in the open no need to be shelfish that's where i got it when i was out in the ocean oh you did yes Oh, God, what happened? Can you tell me real quick? I got bit. By a shrimp? No, by the captain of the boat. Oh, my God.

Bit me on the arm, I jumped in the water. I'm bleeding all over the place. Oh, my God, you're on your period? I just finished, but I was still spotting. Oh, my God. Shrimp everywhere, eating my blood in the ocean. That's how I developed it. God.

Yeah. Hey, guys, sometimes spontaneous moments pop up right out of the blue. spontaneously. And you always want to be ready for a little fun in the sheets and you want to be able to perform in the bedroom. And so here's where I'm talking about hymns. Hymns has treatments that can help you stay hard and last longer, giving you that boost of confidence so that you can be ready whenever that wild mood strikes. This process is 100% online. So there's no need for those uncomfortable doctor's visits in the weird smelling doctor's offices, start your free online visit today at hymns.com slash harland. That's hims.com slash harland for your personalized ed

treatment options. Hems.com slash harland. Now the products mentioned are chewable, compounded products which are not approved or verified for safety or effectiveness by the FDA. Prescriptions require an online consultation with a health care provider who will determine appropriate restrictions apply. See website for details and important safety information. Subscription required. Price varies based on product and subscription plan. So get that confidence, get that fun, get that hymns, get that hymns for hers. Hems. Hey, everybody, it's football season, and that means tailgating touchdowns, and Mando should be part of everybody's playbook. 72-hour odor control, no para beans, no fethylates, no sulfates, no sulfates, vegan, die-free, cruelty-free.

I mean, this is the stuff you can put all over your body anywhere you want, and 72-hour odor control. And we now have a special offer. New customers get $5 off a starter pack with our exclusive code and link. Use code Harland at shopmando.com. S-H-O-M-A-N-D-O dot com. And this is perfect for our new customers. It comes with a solid stick deodorant. You got the cream tube deodorant.

You get two free products of your choice like the mini body wash and deodorant. and hello, free shipping. So luckily for you today, I have the discount code to help you get hooked on my new favorite smelling, whole body deodorant on the market. New customers get $5 off a starter pack with our exclusive code. That equates to over 40% off your starter pack. Use code Harland at shopmando.com, S-H-O-P-M-A-N-D-O-O-D-O dot. let's score a touchdown let's score amando

you know here's what i don't get about shrimp you look at a shrimp okay they say they're one of the best brain foods they're full of protein and stimulate you know your brain growth and i thought how does a stupid little like curly creature in the ocean and then i realized holy shit, look at them. They're like commas. And you're eating commas. You're basically ingesting grammar. Oh, that's how they get you so smart.

That's how they get you so smart. That's why lobster is a stupid food. Why? That thing looks like an ampersand. It's all over the place. Yeah, you're right. What is that? Oh, my God.

I love, I love, yeah. I'm a lobster. Yeah. That's me. I'm a Boston lobster. Get me out of the water. I'm a Boston lobster. Wow.

Eat my tail. That's where that phrase comes from. Eat my tail. Hold on. Let me call the folks over at SpongeBob Square. Don't, don't, don't call them. Dude, this is a great new character.

Don't. I'm on hold already for something for them. What is it? Dude, I want to help. Please don't. Please let me help. Please, please don't. You're going to pull the epileptic lobster.

You think they don't want that? I'm on hold right now for them right now. And I'm waiting on a roll. And I'm going to get a call any minute now. Please don't. I'm serious. Please don't. It'll ruin my chances.

But doesn't the world deserve? What's the name of this guy you just did, by the way? Boston Lobster. I got it. Please, please. I'm begging you. I'm on hold with SpongeBob's whole team. Okay.

It's just this once. Just save it for later, man. How many shrimp do you think you've eaten in your lifetime? 9,600, uh, 42. 9, 9,642. Can I read you a stat? Do you like, Stats?

Well, I don't know him. Do you like Geylands? I love Geyland. What about Staten Island? Fuck you. Do it. Listen to this. Okay.

The things we eat, you know, the average person, tell me if you concur, if you even know how. Not this year. I haven't been able to cur this whole year. Are you cereal? I haven't concurred in months now. Oh, my God. You tried pills? Yeah, they just don't work.

Oh, God. So sorry. Nothing comes out. What have you? Oh, my God. Yeah. I'd love to concur. Have you done stretching exercises?

I go to yoga twice a day. And you still can't concur. I haven't concurred since, I don't know, 2022. Sounds like you've been concurring your enthusiasm. God. Yeah. Stap me.

The average person, now this is from the from the U.K. Oh, yeah. So there's going to be a few critters on here that aren't. But the oxen, a man eats 30 oxen in his life, 200 sheep, 100 calves. More than that. Really? I've eaten much, much, much more than that.

Really? You love veal? It's my favorite thing to eat, breakfast, lunch, and dinner. You love a calf. I love me a good veal meal meal. That's McDonald's should sell a veal meal. Yeah, the McVille. The McVille.

Come to McDonald's. for your McVeele. Let us kill a baby cow for you. A little veal meal. Let us McSlaughter a baby cow for you. Mmm. This calf slurpy is good. And they don't go me.

They go, me. Yeah, it's not about moo. It's about me. That's why they're so selfish. They deserve to die. Speaking of selfish. Can't have them. 200 lambs.

Yeah, I don't like lamb. 50 pigs. Now let's get to. down to the shrimp. Take a guess. What's the average person each, each shrimp in their lifetime?

Take a guess for real. 10,000. 300,000. No fucking way. Think about it. 300,000. In like, let's say you live to be 85.

Let's do the math right now. How many shrimp do you think you have in a year? A lot. Like, I probably, like, what's a whale shark eat? Like, 3, 245, 46, 27, 28. A couple of schools.

at least. Probably three or four schools. Like you never eat one shrimp. You always 71, 72, 73, so you're just learning to count? 67, 77, 7, 7, 7, 7, 7, 8, 89, 80, 81, 8, 80, all the shrimp that I've eaten this year. 83, 83, 85, 85, 85, 8, 89, 91, 2, 3, 7, 8, 9, 7, 8, 9, 116. Wait, wait, wait, wait, are you including Shrimp Fest at Olive Garden and Bakersfield? Unlimited? Yeah.

Fuck. 125, 26, 27, 28, 29, 40. Okay, 187. Yeah. 187 on a motherfucking shrimp. Yeah. Times what? Let's say I'm living for,

let's say you only eat at your adult life. Yeah. So 60 years of that. Yeah. It's 11,000. It's not even fucking close, pal. Yeah, but what about shrimp fest? I said 10,000.

Ring the alarm. I'm on it. What about it? Ring the fucking alarm. I'm on it. Okay? Bring the alarm. Let me hear it.

If I'm going to get attitude, I'm going to make a call. Don't call. Please don't. I'm going to call Nickelodeon right now. Because if you're going to get saucy with Daddy, I'm calling SpongeBob to tell him about the Tard Lobster character. I'll thin out the sauce, please. Don't.

I promise, don't. Let's drop the two, fly, boy. I don't have any fly, toy. Boy. Boys. Egg boy. Let me tell you something rounder. Is there other?

Okay, so we've got shrimp, which are. living commas. Yeah, I'm living commas. As there any other repurposing of seafood that you can think of that would be beneficial to mankind? You know, we were thinking about building roadways out of scallops. You could build roadways out of scallops. Oh, because that spongy texture?

Yeah. Safer roadways. Well, you know, kind of on the old days, you know, you see those old like model two cars, they'd be on the cobblest. Yeah. Blop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop. If you want to return to that day, oh. of wobbly, bobbly, wake you upy, you need some scallop roads.

So instead of cobblestones, scallop roads. Scallop roads. Wow. A scallop road is like right down the street from here, by the way. Are you cereal? Well, Scallop Avenue. Scallop Lane is in, I think, more west. I was on a scallop cul-de-sac once, and boy, was it smooth.

Hairless. Once you go around, you come right back, don't you? Oh, God. It's hard to get off of that sack. Oh, God. Hard to get off of that sack. Wrap it and bacon and call me Lily Tomlin. Not today.

Tomorrow? Yeah. Thank you. Oh. I do love scallops. Well, here's a repurposing thing. Do you ever sleep with earplugs or you go on an airplane and you... I've never slept.

I haven't slept. Oh, my God. Yeah. You're like a perpetual insomniac? I don't know what out of those words mean. Well, it means perpetual means going on forever. It's impossible because we're not infinite. Well.

We're finite people. not sleeping could go on forever for as long as you're alive. How do you even know you are alive, Harlan? Well, based on the amount of shrimp you've eaten, I would do the math. Hold on. 12, 76, 78, 79, 112, 400, 6,000, 500. Hold on. I am.

43,200. So you're 42 years old. 41. Wait, don't forget. Gallup Shrimp Fest in Fresno, you're 42. Yeah, right. You are going to live to, based on my shrimp collations, you're going to live to a good 94 years old, my guy.

Wow. Yeah, November 12th, and you'll be 94, you'll die on November 12th in whatever year that is. All right, I'm going to mark it down on my calendar right now. Yeah, let the SpongeBob people know. No, please. Holland, don't. Just so they can work you in for the voice. Please.

Okay, so November 12th when I'm 94 years old. Yeah. What is that date specifically? 94 years old. Okay, that's in 23 years from, no, what? What the fuck? Wait, 94. I'm 41.

That's 53 years from now. But with the bonus shrimp years. 53 years. So that means in 277. Yeah. So let's go down to 277. November 12th. Okay, in 277, can you guess November 12th what day that is?

If you do, not only are you correct. Oh my God. How did you know that? Do you know that, is that when I'm going to die? Well, about it I just tell you. I just did the calculations. It's a Friday. But I will say.

Yeah, but what happens at midnight? Leap year. It turns into a. Leap year. Thursday. Leap year. Yeah. Leap year.

Leap year. Leap year. Leap year. Leap year. Leap year. Leap year. Can you be born in a leap year if you're a quadriplegic? Hmm.

Like, how do you do that with no legs? Maybe it's a roll year. Roll over. That's a roll over a year. Yeah. Good call. Why do we make, we should make a beer called leap beer, leap beer, leap. Oh, for people who are suicidal.

Yeah. Yeah, just drink. Your final drink and then leap. Jump into it. Oh. Leap beer. Jump off. Let's make the party jump off tonight with leap.

Oh, okay. I feel like it's more of a suicide beer. It is. Get ready to jump off. Yeah. Are you on the edge? Leap beer. Leap beer.

Leap beer, leap year. It's a leap year and it's a leap beer. Yeah. Weir. No. What? No. But what I was saying, my guy, is, is, I'm ear,

Ear plugs. Once you think, once you think about, if you farted just now, once you silent? Because I didn't hear it. Yeah, I know, because you have ear plugs in. Was it, I have scallops in. Do you really? Oh yeah, under this, I haven't heard a word you said. Wow. Which has made it real nice, I got to say. I think, is it going to stay in these pants forever? Pardon me? Does that fart stay in these pants forever? You can't wash out a fart, can you? I don't know. Farts can have a sneaky way of getting through cloth. I doubt it. Unless you're wearing your lead underpants, that farts loose in the room right now. Yeah, it's loose.

I'm wearing my lead panties. Oh. I have a lead thong on. And it's really tying me up. Dude, did you really just crack a cold one? Oh, yeah. Was it a silencer? Yeah, well, I'd spread them.

I didn't hear it. Get against the wall. Spread him, pal. God. If you were getting arrested and the cop was like, get against the wall, spread him. And you're just like, pooh. You gave him a blowjohn? They just let out a little toot.

Oh, oh, oh, oh. That's what my fart sound like. Dude, that's romantic. Like the desert wind. Or on the beach and the Caribbean, just the waves rolling in. You put the lime in the coconut and drink. Drink it all up. Let's say the live in the cup and drink it all up.

What about the earphones? You're one of the most romantic farders I've ever met. You put the lime in the camera. And drink it all up. That would be sick to do renditions of those. That just made me so horny. Oh, look at your poner. Look at your little poner.

I don't want to look at it. Look at it. I just hate looking at it. Oh. it's weird having one in the middle of the day uh-huh i'll spit right on it oh oh ouch coffee breath coffee spit oh now it's harder than ever because it's infused with caffeine re put the lime on the coconut and drink it all up so do i ever sleep with ear plugs in no well what i'm saying is if you wanted to repurpose scallops you could do it and another sea critter that

I think you could repurpose. Do you sleep on the airplane with that little thing around your neck? No. I think a sea cucumber, you could fold that around your neck. Wet. Yeah, wet and just, you know. Wet and cold. Yeah.

You sleep on planes? I try. I'll wake you right up. I got one of these things. Like, this is what I mean. You could take a sea cucumber and just fold it and do one of these. I can't sleep on a plane. I don't like what people do.

I wake them up when I see them. I'm sleeping. You do? How? I just wake him up. You hit their table? I hit their table. Wake up!

Who travels with a table? Wake up. So, wait a way, you're on a plane. The guy beside you is there in these tighties with a table. And I go, hey, no sleeping on this plane, paling, pal. There's no sleeping in Baltimore. Who are you to wake other people up? God?

Shit. You said it. Damn it, dude. Thank you. You walked me into that, Lord. Walk with me, my son. Wow. You are God.

Yeah. God. Yeah. Good Lord. Hi, I'm Danny Lopiori. Ever get the feeling you're being watched online? It's not pariah. it's data brokers these companies collect your personal information including your browsing habits

where you live and even who you're related to and they sell it to the highest bidder that's where ora comes in ora automatically removes your personal info from data broker sites and keeps it off it also monitors the dark web safeguards your devices alerts you to real-time threats and more start your free trial at aura dot com slash control that's a ura dot com slash control that's a ura dot com slash Control for your free trial. Yes. Jesus. Baby Lord, son of the lamb,

Holy Ghost. You called? Savior of the Jesus Christi. Yes, my son. What the hell? Satan? No, that's no. We don't talk about him.

The dark one. We just make love. Love to him. You're already boot the lime in the coconut. Dude, do you play horseshoes?

Yeah, used to. You know what I don't like about it? Yeah. It's loud. It's clangy. Plankly,

dang. Think who just came up with a solution to silent horseshoes? You did. Hello. Hi. Now you can play horseshoes

all you want and not make a peep. Go to pillowhorshoot.com. Please use the code Harland Highway for 10% sent off your first purchase of a silent horseshoe pack. You're going to get two for one. You're also going to get new rubber steaks that are made completely out of scallops.

We also, if you're a collector of the Harlan Highway podcast, we have new shrimp merch on there. Shrimpins, shrimp shirts, shrimp hats, go to Harlan Highway Podcast.com. Use code, shrimpin. Ain't easy. And when you finish a big round of horseshoes, silent horseshoes, you can have yourself a little horseshoe nap. That's quieter than that, I would imagine. Yeah. Because it's silent.

I feel like I shut out just to tell you. What? I'm not who you think I am. Now you're God. Yes. God? Yes. Well, I thought you were God and you said I am not who I think I am.

I'm not who you think I am. So you're not God? Yes. See, now I'm confused, Lord. That's okay, my son. Do you mind if I moisture your eyes, God, while we chat? Very good. Very good.

Where did that go? On the wall? Look at that. Oh, my God. I thought it was in a goal. right down into your hand. I apologize, Lord. No chance.

You did that on Poypus. I did not. Oh, this is good, Nivius. That's nice. Wow. Is it okay for two guys to moisturize together in the same room? I think so. I think so. It is?

What would be wrong with this? I don't know. Ooh, this feels good. This does feel good. You want some more? Yeah. Yep. Uh-oh.

Okay, perfect. Nice. That's where you needed it, right up the arm, too. Lord, you are so good. Yes, my son. Thank you, God. Yes, my son. You know, they say it helps if you put it on your glasses.

Oh, really? Yeah. I would love some on my face. My face is feeling dry. You don't mind a little more. A little more, please. Just a little more, God. Okay.

Hold on. We need a regroup. Oh, you God. Holy shit. Is it on my lips? No, it's just a little bit on your glasses. Okay. Just a little bit.

just a little bit oh thank you lord oh my fucking god yes uh no you can't so my son did you just call yourself my son oh lord i have thou have spilt thine seed my lord i'm so sorry my son oh lord my son yes do we need to take a break you got to put them on I got to see what this looks like can I do

can I get a shot in Lord yeah go ahead oh yeah you got a I got a Lord yeah oh lord thank you my son wow now now can i ask is it okay for two guys to moisturize together oh yeah it is oh yeah okay yeah don't call sponge bob i'm not kidding but a lobster with cream sauce on it already. Look, I'll have fun on this show,

but if you call SpongeBob, I'm dead serious, I'm out of here. But think, let me just, I'm out of here. Can I pitch you? How many characters have we, lobster characters have we had? Three.

Okay, we got one with cream sauce. Never been done. I think they're going to go nuts. This could be a lock-in for five or six seasons. Ring them up. Bring them up. Nickelodeon. Yeah.

I got a creamer. No, not Kramer. Yeah, no, no, no, good God, no. Creamer. Kramer. What do you mean? You already have a lobster character. Where?

You have a seaman? The show takes place in an ocean. They say they got enough semen. Okay. You know what? This is your loss. Big time. Yeah, you could have had God on your show.

Yes, my son? No, I'm telling them they could have had God on their show. Yes, my son. Yes, my, no, not. you. I'm his son, not you. Do you want to tell him to fuck off God? I don't use that kind of language, son. Can I do it? Yeah. Fuck off. Very good. Do you want a wipe or anything? Are you okay for the rest of the show? Pretty good, actually. I feel pretty good. Yeah. Is it in my eye? No, but you look moisturized. I am. Me too. I feel like really refreshed. Big time.

Can we talk about something serious here? Yeah, please. War. Good God, yeah. So we're in war, the world's at war. Remember in the old days when war happened, Andrew Santino? Yeah. And the enemy didn't know you were coming.

It was boom, boom, boom, shoot, boom, boom. Now it's like countries are calling each other up. Hey, we're going to be bombing 43-9 Maple Street and 562 Kennelworth Street at 4 o'clock. Can you move everybody out? Don't do kennelworth. Why not? My cousin lives over there. Yeah, but you guys have been bad.

We've got to take it out. Okay. Well, bomb us and we'll bomb you on November 19th. And I'm going to tell you, I think it's going to be 3.30. No, November 12th, sorry. What street? November 12th, 94. 94.

What street? November 12th, 94, Friday Ave. Oh, Friday Ave. Just because my wife's going to be doing some Christmas shopping, Are you going to be keeping Mapleworth clear? Mapleworth will be blocked off. So you're not going to bomb it, though? I'll see.

Oh, God. Yes, my son. Am I your son? Yes, my son. Goodbye, my son. Goodbye. But isn't it weird, dude? Yeah, what they call about war?

Well, isn't it just weird? Just bomb. Right? Just send a bomb. And I don't mean to be insensitive. Like, maybe it's nicer, but it just seems everything's so polite where even in war you've got to be politically correct. You got to be PC war. PC war.

Isn't that weird? It's a new game. Call the duty is coming out with PC war. PC war. Yeah. You say, may I bomb you? Yes, you may. And you ask people's pronouns before you shoot them.

You're going down. Pronouns? Uh, it. You're going down it. You guys. Just killed it. Wait, I was still being shot. Reload.

New gun. New gun. New weapon. Fum, Fom, boom, Fom, Fom, Fom, Fom, Fom, Fom, Fom, new weapon. There's your new weapon, God. It's in my mouth.

Oh, God. Oh, it's tingly in my, yes, my son? Yeah, it is weird, right? It's weird in your mouth. It's weird. I never want to moisturize the mouth. I guess you don't. Yeah.

But it's not bad for you. Yeah, it's cream. It's like rich cow's cream or something. Theo, baby cow. Did you say Theo? Yeah, Theo. Yeah, man, creamy, dude. This is like Theo Vaughn and a bottle, boy.

Boy? Yeah. Yeah, buddy. It's creamy. I hope you get new glasses. Could you do war? Like, if you were in the military, what does Andrew Santina want to do? What's your role?

in a real war I probably want to be the guy that organizes all the bullets the bullet organizer you mean a borgonizer, yeah I'm a borgonizer I just like analytics I like numbers

and if you were to do it insincerely or earnestly I feel like if you did it earnestly you'd be an earnest borgonizer an earnest borgonizer for reference check the movie escape from new york the taxi cab driver eros borg9 they know who it is man well some people they know who it is some people don't get jokes they know who it is some people my crowd doesn't get jokes your crowd loves jokes they don't get them though yes they do they hear them

they don't know what they mean i think they know what they mean they don't know punch lines they watch punch lines sponge bob lines don't fucking call them again don't say sponge sorry But they don't, they know, they know words, they see talking, creamy faces, but they don't, they don't get punchlines. I get it. You will get it. Don't. Don't you dare. I would be a sniper.

I would like, I, there's something about being up on the thing with the scope, but it, could you do it? Pull the trigger? For real. If you were enlisted and they said, Santino, you're a sniper. Can't. You've got the skills. You line up some enemy combatant, and you know through that little lens,

there's a human life. Can you pull the trigger? No, but I could have somebody else pull the trigger for me. I could stand there. I could line it up. Really? So I could line it up, and then I'd go, go ahead. What do you mean?

I'd have someone else sit there just to pull the trigger. So you'd have it all scoped out. Yeah. You got the target. You're in my sight line. And you just can't go like this. Yeah, I don't want to kill him. You can't do this.

No, I'll line them up, but I don't want to kill him. You've been hired by the U.S. military that the taxpayers are paying for, and you can't do this? Because I have indexria. Let's say I want you to come. I have indexria. It's a disease of my index fingers. I can't.

Look, they don't straighten out. What if I wanted you, let's say you wanted me to come over to you. Come on. Can you physicalize that? you're right you because most people can just do this don't rub it in that's please don't do that but you well it's almost like hard lobster claws oh my god don't call them please this isn't nicolodeon anymore you just went into real life i thought this was an animation bit everything is animation dude you're you really do have crab claws i think this is a movie with share as the female lead

I'm talking bringing Daniel Day Lewis out of retirement to be your father and Mason Reese, the deviled ham boy to be your son from the 70s. I'm into that. Can I call Columbia right now or Fox? TriStar. Call TriStar. Or Geffen. Call the record company.

Okay. Well, let's do the movie before we do the soundtrack. What do you mean? You got to do the music before you do the movie, you fuckhead. Dumb nuts. You do the movie first and then you lay down a soundtrack. Listen, loop poop. You do the fucking sound first.

That way you know what you're shooting. Fuck, Nard, how can you lay music down to something you can't even see, dipshit, ethereal? You turd, gurblin, gublen, fuck up. Don't you know better? You got to make the tunage before you got the doodage. Skunk digelage. You can't fucking make a tune until you have an image to make the tune to nibble fun to dungle fling. Weble, you fucking scobble.

You listen to me when I'm talking about film. Okay? I've made 100,000 now films. Maybe you just lost a fucking film deal with your audits. Your attitude. Fine silt from the bottom of a river at the end of a tributary. Okay, put me in it. Put me down by the river.

Down by the river. Another Springsteen song. Two in a row. Wow. I don't miss. You know you look like a cinnabon right now, right? Lick me up. And look me down.

No, don't look at me while you're doing it. Yeah. Just remember, it's always up. Lick me up. You look like the Pillsbury dough boy broke into your, house in the middle of the night and had a fantasy on your face he assaulted me well it's like he unsalted you dry me right out the peanuts rest in peace mr peanut an old friend of ours you look sort of like with the black shirt and if i can be honest for a minute it's blue

well it's my show i think it's black yeah that's true You look like, I don't know if you ever saw 101 Dalmatians, the Disney movie, you look. It's on loop in my car right now. I can't stop watching it. You look like number 87. Are you serious? He was the cutest one out of the... That's my favorite one.

Right? 87. Dude! Yep. Which one do I look like? 1 or 2. But there was only 101. That's the one that didn't make it, mate.

102 is roaming around, lost in the woods with jizz all over his face. In the woods or in the outback. Sounds like you're Australian. No, Australian, mates, like they saw, buddy. But what were you doing? I know. Oh. I was doing one of those prisoners that hasn't made it to Australia yet.

So where is he? Middle of the ocean. And you said he's in the woods? There's woods in the ocean, pal. Oh, like the kelp beds? You ever been to Tahiti before? I have. There's woods.

In the ocean. Yeah. I think someone's got to. a really bad case of icing face. Me? Yeah. Take a look in the mirror, friend. Like, dude, you look like you probably spent the whole night down in West Hollywood

at a fun, fun party. They don't do those anymore, do they? On your face, they do. A fun, fun party? Because I haven't been to one in months. I thought they canceled all of them. You look in a mirror. You know what I like about those parties?

The fun? No chicks. Yeah, it looks like it. No chicks. Let's take a call Yeah Hang on I'm going to look at my notes

Yeah look at your note I can't really see it Hey everybody Check out my merchandise Atharbling.com Yeah Most people just slap some letters Or images on a t-shirt or a hoodie

But not me Yours truly guess what? I draw my own designs at Harblank.com. You can see tons of my hand-drawn t-shirts. You can either buy the original or you can buy a print. And man, oh man, wear them loud and proud. I love making these designs for you guys and keeping it personal. So check out the whole catalog. We got hoodies. We got coffee mugs. We got t-shirts. You name it. It's there at Harbling.com.

Get your Harland original design, wearable art at Harbling.com today. And thank you for your support. And I'll just keep the groovy images coming. Oh, dude. We got to talk about this because I heard you, we did a show together two nights ago, and I heard you talking about rescue dogs.

Talk to me. Do the whole bit if you want. I don't care. I'll sit here and shut up just the way you've always wanted it. I'll do the bit right now. Do it. I think rescue dogs, if you're going to implore that name, I think you have to be actually a rescue dog.

You have to go out of your way to rescue and save a human being that's in distress. Before we can adopt you, you have to adopt us. So I want rescue dogs out there in the streets, helping saving people, the elderly, people trapped on train tracks, you know. Yeah. Someone who's about to jump off a bridge. Rescue them. Then I'll rescue you.

So do your do-do diligence. Your do-do diligence. Pick up your poo-poo when you're done because I don't want it on my boots. Right. And get your ass home. Prove to me you're a rescue dog. Rescue something, asshole. Yeah.

Rescue me. I brought you. I mean, you take all the trouble to go into the Humane Society. You walk down death row. All the puppies are working you over with that. Look, it looks like they got fried eggs on their eyes. And you go, rescue dog. Oh, banjo's a rescue dog.

You take them out, you hang off a bridge. You're down to two fingers just hanging. He's just like, Yeah, rescue me, pal. Yeah. And then your arm gives out, you drop, you get hit by a truck, and this dog chases a butterfly. All right, for about an hour.

What has he done for you? Rescue my ass. Rescue my ass. Have you ever bought a service dog? I bought a service dog. Brought him home, sat at my dining room table for four hours, it didn't even bring me a glass of water. Service my ass.

Service my ass. Yeah, where's the curly fries banjo? I'll tell you what, I had a service dog. I enlisted him in the Army. No way. Couldn't get through ROTC. Couldn't even get through ROTC this dog. You went to Kenny Rogers Roasters?

He never came back. That's where they have the rotissory. It's so good, isn't it? God, I love those rotissory dogs. Hey, what? Dark meat only. Racist. Sorry.

I don't like white meat. That's not for me. Is that an offensive thing to say in this day and age? It is actually. Well, I'm a dark meat only guy. Don't give me into that fucking white meat. Yeah. You know why?

The white meat's tough. Yeah. It's had, it's years of just, just this, this backboneless, no fucking, no bone at all, back boneless, tough. Yeah. No juice, no fat, no soul. The dark meat has the soul. It has the juice.

The bones. Yeah. I'm a skin guy. Oh, no. skin. I'll go to KFC and say, fucking strip the skin off about eight pieces, put it in a bucket. Nobody's eating the meat. When you buy KFC, you just eat the skin and throw the meat out the window. Yeah. Skin me, Zit. You ever had a skin smoothie? Yeah. I'll go to Popeye's. I say take off the skin and fucking blend it in a blender with a little bit of matcha and maybe a tad of protein powder.

Oh, just like your face. That's right. Wow. That's right. Can you do me a favor? I got to go to a funeral this afternoon. Oh, he'll be able to slide in it on time. I hope so. Yeah. Wow.

If they have trouble getting a coffin into the ground, just rub your face on the coffin, it'll slide right in. Just on the sides of it in case it can't go down? Yeah. You got all the lube you need. Yeah, I'm going to a funeral. We should go to Subway later and get sandwiches and say, Can we have some mayonnaise on the subway sandwiches?

You guys have any mayo? Yeah. Excuse me, do you guys have mayo? Yeah, we need mayo. A little thin on the mayo, don't you think? Look, can we have some man-o? Whoops. Man-o-nonez?

Whoops. Whoops. Did you just wink at me? No. Dude, look, I'll play your fun game. I didn't. You can wink at me in comedy land. I promise.

When you come at me and your face looks like a cinemas. a bun and you just woke up at a rager down in west hollywood i don't need a wink that's a bit too much for me to handle okay what what don't wink at me dude don't wink at me unless you want to go to a fun fun party don't fucking do it pal dude i got to go to the funeral soon we got to get out of We're down to our last segment. Words from a wooden shoe. Yep. You know how it works.

Of course. You reach into the shoe. Yeah. You pull out a word. Yeah. And see if it relates to your journey, whether it's you, a friend, someone you know. Sure.

My guy, Andrew Santino right here on the Harlan creamy, my creamiest guest ever. What is your word, my creamy little friend? what's it say sit sit ned sit ned let me see let me see i've got glasses sit ned oh dude you had it upside down sideways and backwards oh it's a dentist oh yeah sure i do you need cream colored glasses or we'll take a second to put on the cream take a look oh yeah dentist yeah any stories anything from your past your life a friend of yours any wild dentist stories people love them yeah people love teeth related by custard a dentist murdered

my entire family in 1998 talk to me we all went in for routine checkup June 98 my mom my mom my dad, my sister, my brother, my half-sister, my half-brother, my step-brother, my step-sister. My step-dad and my step-mom were also there. Did you have stairs in your house? We got rid of them because of this very incident. Because of all the steps? Mm-hmm. Okay.

We went to the dentist. Oh, God. Routine check-up. Someone needed more work than others. I opened my mouth and I fell asleep. When I awoke. I woke in a field A field filled with laughing gas

Wow Not one family member to be found I then packed up my entire life And moved to Los Angeles, California Only to try to get famous In the world of stand-up comedy and podcasting Only so my platform could be big enough That I could announce to the world

That I'm coming to find you I'm coming to find you The dentist By the looks of your face You're just coming really I don't know about the... I'm coming right now Yeah, I don't know about the find you part

Oh, I found you Are you still coming? Mm-hmm With your face Mm-hmm Your face coming Mm-hmm I believe you

You know who you are Can I get you a sinabon or anything Or folks Andrew Santino Wait you got to plug You forgot you got to plug your Antomfay

Sinabon You got to plug your upcoming shows And your creams And all your stuff Don't forget You got to plug everything Andrew Santino

Ladies and gentlemen Go to Andrewsantino.com for tickets I'm touring all around the country all over the place I'm going to be all over the place. All over the place, Andrew Santino.com. I'm going to be in Australia, New Zealand, and Singapore with bad friends in November.

And after that, I'm back all around the United States. Go to Andrew Santino.com for those tickets. Listen to bad friends podcast. Listen to the Whiskey Ginger podcast. Mentioner. Minsky Ginger, mention that. Whiskey ginger podcast. Listen to the bad friends podcast and the Whiskey Ginger podcast.

Harlan is going to come back on. I've got to go to Andrew Sandino.com for those tickets to come see me live, Andrew Santino.com.com. Goodbye, God. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the creamiest podcast. we've ever done. Till next time, Chicken Chowmaine

and Cineabon, baby. That was fantastic. I haven't laughed that hard. I haven't laughed so fucking hard. I know. Hey, everybody. How would you like your very own personal video message

from me, yours truly? It's your birthday, it's your anniversary, it's your graduation, or you just want me to make you laugh. You get to pick the topic, you want me to discuss, give me some talking points, and off we go. You can get it for yourself or get it for a friend. It's super easy and fun. Just go to the Cameo app on your phone or to Cameo.com. And I record a custom video made just for you or your loved one. Your very own personalized Harland.

Hi, I'm Danny L'Priori. Ever get the feeling you're being watched online? It's not paranoia. It's data brokers. These companies collect your personal information, including your browsing habits, where you live, and even who you're related to, and they sell it to the highest bidder.

That's where ORA comes in. ORA automatically removes your personal info from data broker's site, and keeps it off. It also monitors the dark web, safeguards your devices, alerts you to real-time threats, and more. Start your free trial at ora.com slash control. That's A-U-R-A-com slash control for your free trial.