The Harland Highway - ANDY DICK takes on technology and the arts. He also explains his smelly fingers and career.

Episode Date: December 9, 2025

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There are... He's not even saying... I don't know what he's saying. You know what he's saying? This is the sound someone makes when you put your finger in their asshole. Cheez-T-T. Is that what you heard that night?

Something like that. The Heartland Highland Party costs I never do this, I never lower my voice right at the beginning, but for you. Oh, that's what they call them. They call them, sweet Dickie, sweet Andy Dickie. Andy Dickie. Are you kidding me? Are you effing me right now, Guy?

Hi. Hi. Hi, Nicky. Remember I have a little cold. Oh, no. It's okay. I'm just going to cough. I'm going to cough a lot because I call for every time you make me laugh.

How did you catch the cold? I mean, sure. Bust in here opening comment I got a cold Whoopi do We hear that every day Down at Starbucks How did you catch

It is what I be X rated Yeah be X rated Fingering someone's butthole No way And then like picking my nose Or eating something Eating picking nose From butthole to mouth to nose

Can we divulge who this person was And I think I know Share Was it Cher It was Cher's, uh, lesbian. Sisters, fathers, lovers, brothers. She has a lesbian. Oh, yeah.

What's his name, Dutch or something? Shay. Chase, Chav. Shag? Shag. Shat. What is it? Chas. Chas. Is it now?

We were close. Is Chaz gay or is Chaz? A woman who was a man. Yeah, she transitioned to a man. So are you, question. Yeah, I don't know. Gay Rubik's Cube question. Okay. If you're gay and you're a woman, but then you turn into a man, are you still gay?

Or do you lose the gay during the transition? That's a good question. Do you have the answer? No, but I'm going to guess you're not gay anymore because you're a man. So you've trans, yeah. Yeah, because you can train. Gay means opposite sex. Right. Right. Yeah. So that's a good question. Well, I have a good follow-up question. And this one isn't for me. They would want me to ask. Well, why am I the expert on this gay and lesbian? No, no, no, we're past that already. Oh, okay. But what they want to know...

I am a little bit of me, yeah. You're a little one of an expert. On what? The gays. Why? Are you a little... I'm a little bit more. We're not going to say, well, but...

Wow. You don't get that a lot anymore. Thank you for that. Let's pull this down a bit because we want to see your beautiful face and your striking blue eyes. Well, people don't know about the Dickster, Andy Dick. He has penetrating blue eyes. They called Frank Sinatra Blue Eyes in Hollywood. But if he's blue eyes, I want to know what the hell you are, Supernova Blue Eyes.

Like how blue on a scale of 1 to 10, how blue damn eyes, player? I don't know. I don't really look at that. You don't look at your own eyes? No, I really don't. dude they're so blue really maybe it's because they're you know what i think that it's the kind of eyes that reflect and it's reflecting this blue into them so your eyes reflect whatever they see yeah so when i look at you i you should see a monster okay and when you were looking at that asshole

what did you see how far was your finger up and i don't they want to know not me was it here was it past the knuckle i'm gonna let you guess and you have one look can i sniffed it walked out of the It's clean by now. Well, it's not. Does it ever get clean? There's always something under the nail. Give me a little sniff, and I'll tell you. Hold on.

Hold on. Oh, that was all the way to the knuckle. That was all the way to the wrist almost. Power power. It started with one. Wow. Went to two. I think at one point it was one of these.

Wow And then it was like Please stop Yeah Chaz can only take So much God Dickie

Andy Dick is here With us today My old buddy We've done movies together We've done comedy together What how out we done together We've done everything together I said

What haven't we done together But I did In a retard voice It wasn't It kind of was Andy You get in trouble over that It wasn't

It was Cajia. How many, but... Andrew? It was Cajie. It was C-Tart. It was C-Tart.

It was like, are there retarded Cajuns? I thought I'm going to see me. I'm sure there are more Cajun retards than anything. But when you say C-Tart, it sounds like a Korean retard. Oh, right.

Oh, yeah. I wonder if other races have other... Of course. Are they, everyone has retards? What is, I don't, I'm not. We embrace them. We love them.

I will cradle one in my arms till it lays an egg if I have to. But is that, can someone, Amber, can you find out, because I think we need to know now, Andy, as we start this podcast. I'm curious as you are. Do we want to know what the word retard sounds like in Korean, in the Korean language? Oh, okay. And we're not being mean. This is a curiosity.

And we're trying to help them. Are your glasses okay? Well, you're picking your eye. Well, they always get weird with headphones. And I don't like these glasses. I don't like to me either. I touch myself a lot, you know. I know.

I don't like that you were picking your eye. I wish you wouldn't. Because if your fingers been in an asshole. Yeah. Yeah. See if you can find out what the Korean word for retard is. And we're not being mean. We're just curious.

You're really not allowed to say that word, retard. That's what they say. Who's they? You know what? Here's the good news. They don't watch this podcast. They watch the other ones. Which other ones?

Amber, what is it? T-T-T. Oh, wait. What do I do? Well, he's saying it like a retard. How do I put? T-T-T-T. What do I press?

T-T-T. T-T-time. That's all. Hey, y'all friend is... Cheetah. That's got to be... Is that a retarded Siri? That sounds like seartart.

Yeah, why do they... Cheetah. That's got to be seer-tard. Che-te-te-te-te-ha. Andy... Che-te-te-ten I be... I don't want to impose on your life. I don't care.

I just... You're going to get in trouble for that. I would stop that bit. I want... That's not a bit. real life. Oh, yeah, you're right. There are, and I'm not being me.

Che-Chang. There are. He's not even saying, I don't know what he's saying. You know what he's saying? This is the sound someone makes when you put your finger in their asshole. Che-ch-ch-T-T. Is that what you heard that night? Something like that.

Yeah. Let me slow it down a bit. Che-T-T-T-E. Yeah. There's more like that. That's, yeah. It was going up there slow. Can you bring me a bar of soap, by the way, please, Amber, for real?

The soap on the... Well, I grabbed your asshole fingers, and I feel... It feels sticky. You're just going to have a bar of soap? Well, a bar of soap or something to clean the fumes off. But you don't have any water. Well, that's okay. I don't mind slippery fingers.

You just scrape the soap with your nails. Because he probably got some on my... Oh, that kind of soap. Look. I should have just, like... Tintang T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-E. Oh, God, oh, my God.

That's how I was going up that guy's butt. Andrew, I'm trying to wash my hands clean, not wash them dirty. I wonder if I'm signing right now. All I've, Andy, all I want to do is wash the anus fumes and the T-K. off my hands, okay? But am I signing? I think that's what you're saying. What am I saying?

That's what you're saying. What? I'm just washing the ting-tang off my hands. Okay. Che-C-C-T-T. Oh, that's better. Do you need some? No, I like the smell.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, you do. You know, it's funny because what you could do, instead of spent, you're a thrifty guy. You don't like to waste money. How much is one of those, those pine, tree air fresheners you hang on your rearview mirror. Take a guess.

T-T-T. 499. Amber? How much, Amber, can you check? How much is a pine tree air freshener for a rear-view window at your average store? Because I just figured out a freebie for you, my guy. Cut some pine trees down. Not even gross.

You're not you're talking like a chink. I said, ting, ta... On Amazon, with $5. I said five. I said five. I said five. Did he say five? Yes.

Okay. Are people not listening to me? What's five in Korean, they're smarty pants? Hong Kong dang. Whoa, see, now that's going to get in trouble because that sounded ting Thai to me. No, you bought, buddy. Stop. I'm going to build an Osprey nest.

I'm going to drop five eggs. The chicklets are going to come out, and I'm going to see. stick you in there and you're going to be a baby Osprey. Okay. Now, is that what you want? No. Then tinct hay it off. No, Andy, do you have

Osprey in this neck of the woods? Osprey? I barely know yay. Are you smoking pot lately? I don't smoke pot, but I'll suck on a fry pan like no tomorrow. Oh, my God. I'll suck on a fry pan until my mouth goes wide like. like a whale shark, and then I'll suck shrimp off your feet.

Hello. Easy. Here's what I'm proposing, though, to save you $5. Because one thing I know about Andy Dick, he is thrifty. You don't like to waste money, right? I don't, it's not that. I don't like to waste it, but I don't ever really have it. You don't know how to handle it.

You've had millions in your life and you squandered it and then got it back and then squandered it. Multiple times. You've had incredible real estate in your possession. You've sold it. You lost it. You owned a whole apartment building down here in Hollywood. A couple of them.

Was that a seven-story apartment? No, that one was right at Los Angeles. And Melrose. Yeah, right there. Believe me, I went to a party day at one player. You had a party at that place and I was there, player. Oh. I left it on in case it's.

If you want to take it? Take it. Yeah. The answer, it's a T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T. I'm at, I'm with Harlan Williams. T-T-T-T. Do they know how to talk? T-T-T-T-T-T.

I'm at the Harlan-Williams podcast. Oh, that is awesome, bro. Tell him Billy John says hi. Billy John says, oh, yeah, because he- I loved her. There's a great tennis player in the 70s. Last name's still King? Sheet transition, too.

Billy Jean King, yeah. Oh, is it Billy John King? Is that her brother or her sister? We don't know what they are anymore. You got to keep up with Harlan. It's tricky. But he wanted to come. Ooh.

But he's black, and I know how you feel about blacks. I love the blacks. Yeah. I'm just kidding. I'm all about the black people. I love them. People think my name is a black name, Harland Williams.

People who haven't met me, they'll meet me and go, oh, I thought you were black. Because I have a black name, so don't tell me I don't like the blacks. I'm an honorary black with his name. I'm an honorary black honky. So stuff that in your corn cob pipe,

go to Orville Redenbocker's house, pull down his trousers, and sniff his niblets. Ting-ta! You're already messing the word. I know. How does it go? I can't remember it either.

Ting time. Ask Billy Jean King if she knows. Billy Jean King, do you know how to say? What does it mean? Hello? Well, it's retarding Korean. We're just asking. We're not being mean.

Every culture has mentally challenged people. And that's what you're supposed to call them. You can't say it. I know, but I don't have the oxygen for mentally challenged. It's a long word, and I can't. breathe. I'm sweating my ass. You are?

Because I'm laughing. Oh, you painted your nails. Oh, yeah, but then fell off. Is that Cat Fondee's Midnight Moon Shadow? From Sephora? Yes. Oh, my God. That was $59.

I used to wear Reese Witherssoons, blueberry sun dip. And the comp... I'm going to hang up for now, Billy. Yeah, I know. Every back, like, when you're... Okay, I wish you were here, but maybe next time. Okay. Does he know how to use a phone?

Well, I think... I didn't hear more than two words. Is he Korean? He's black. He's Korean. I think he's Ting Thai. He's black Korean. He didn't say more than two words.

Oh, God. Can we see your snot? No. Can we see it? Can you show it to the camera? Right on, hold it up here. Show them your snot. It's clear.

It's Andy Dick Snott. Can we move it a bit closer? Sir, I really want them to know your... It's not... I'm not sick. I want them to know your snot. It's just... Oh, God.

It's like a little baby jellyfish. Your creepy, gurgly snot. It's like Pepperidge Farm gravy dripping down the side of a glazed ham. Oh, I'm ram rammer. Tina Turner's hut. Oh, yeah. Ting-Tog.

Give me the soap again. Hey, gents. It's me, Uncle Harley. and let's have another little talk about ED. Okay, don't turn red, don't blush. Did you know as many as 30 million men in the U.S. experience E.D? Holy, corn on the cob without the butter. Now, let's talk about hymns to help you get over it.

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God. I put you through the ring. Let's see what I'm saying. What am I saying this time? Oh. Oh, I think you want to screw something in to a two-by-four. Ooh. Do you ever go to Home Depot?

Not with those fingernails. What do you do there? What's your favorite aisle? And be honest for once. Look, we've had this conversation before. I remember it was a Thursday night in Bakersfield. We were at McNulty's having wings. And I look at this guy.

We've been friends for you. I go, hey, Andy, what's your favorite aisle in Home Depot? without even blinking, he goes 12. And I go, oh, what's in it? And he said the refrigerators and the dryers and the, wrong. It's nails and screws. So you lied to me. So now I'm asking you again, what's your favorite aisle in Home Depot?

And don't bullshit me this time. I like the garden center. Oh, so you like a whole segment versus. Well, that's a whole outdoor thing with all the plant tons. I love it. I really do like that. You love the outdoors. Yeah.

You owned, can I say this? You can bleep it if you don't want. You owned about 20 acres up in Topanga Canyon. 80. 80 acres you owned. Like you owned a national park. You could have called it Dick Park. Yeah.

You could have called it Dick Park. I fucked that up. What happened, guy? That hurts me. Tax evade. I wasn't evading, but my accountant was. He was taking my money and not paying the taxes. On 80 acres.

Yeah, on all. my taxes on all your properties yeah everything and you had to sell them because of that yeah because I owed tons of money how much I think 200 grand oh Andrew so I sold him

sold it and it was gorgeous I know you showed me pictures there were boulders up there and trees I thought about that this week and I have a plan to get it back but I don't know who owns it now. I do. Well, we'll talk about how I'm going to get

it back. I'm not selling. Ting Tang. Whoa, retards don't have sex. Oh, so you're a retard? Whoa, wang. Whoa, dang. Can we talk about your celebrated career in movies and film? But before we do that... Let's do that quick. Well, before we get to you.

Let's talk about... Oh, and what I want to talk about is our time on Employer the Month. Okay, but before that... Because I don't remember much anymore. Let's talk about your celebrated career. Does that look familiar to you? Jeepers, Creepers, too?

I'm not in it. No, you're not. But, Andrew, your friend is... Yes. Let's talk about him. Forget about you.

That's Marshall Cook. He also directed Division III, my movie, where I'm a football coach. We don't care. We want to talk about Jeepers, Creepers, too. Well, I wasn't in it. He was, and this is what we want to talk about for most of the rest of the show. Now, how do you know him? Because I met him at your house once, and I don't get star-struck.

But you like that movie? I love that movie. I mean, look at... We were very, very, very close. Look at this. What's his name? Marshall Cook. It doesn't get any more beautiful than that.

What? Tell me how he got Jeepers creepers. He had to audition. Tell me about his audition. I wasn't there. He did that before... I want to talk about your career, but tell me about his audition and how... You are really gang off today.

I've never seen you like this. Andrew, I want to talk about your... celebrated theater career, your movies, but tell me about how he got his audition. I wasn't there. What did he say when you saw him and he came home and he said, guess what I got? He had already done the movie before I knew him. Well then, and I do want to talk about your celebrated film career, but what did he have... You keep saying that, but... What did he ever say about Jeepers' creepers? Jeepers, too. He said a couple things that I can't. Tell me. Tell me what he relayed us, and we do want to get to your celebrating...

The director of that is gay. Okay, but let's... That's the only thing I really know. What did he say about his experience on set? What was his acting method? And we do want to get to your celebrated career, but let's talk about him just a little more if we could. You're in love with him.

Well, I love Cheapers Creepers too, not him. I love him still. What do you mean you love him? I love him, I always have. as a friend sure now it's as a friend wait did you what no what are you insinuating

how are you what are you what are you what are you what are I don't is there you know you're going down what now is there something I'm wondering I'm telling you two I want Jeep creepers 69

say no more I said I want that yeah yeah but what a movie. I remember I went to I love Jeepers creepers and Jeepers creepers too. The other one sucked Andy. Okay. But I went to your house

one day. You were having a little shindig used to live over on Ventura Boulevard across from L.A. Fitness. Remember? Oh, right. You lived in those weird like condo. No, they're cool. They were cool. Three stories. And I came over to hang out one day, my bud. And this guy was here from

Jeepers creeper. And I don't get starstruck. I've met De Niro. I've met Dustin. I've met Dustin Hoffman. I've met Bruce Willis. That was great. But when I saw the kid from Jeepers Creepers, what's his name? Marshall Cook. Marshall Cook. He's a great guy. I know he was, but when I saw him, I was like, you were on Jeepers, Jeep, Jeep, Jeep, Jeep, keep, keep, keep, keep, what, way, keep, what, we, I couldn't get it out but you can say too Mandy

like that was starstruck man I love that movie do you like horror movies or no yeah yes what's your favorite I've been thinking about Halloween the original one and I'm trying to find it it's very hard to find well it's right there in your TV

how no I'm not kidding. Try. Tell what's her in pretty face? I dated a girl once, and this is how bad it was. Every time she walked in the room, all I heard was,

do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do. You're so afraid of her? No, that was the theme song that played when she walked in the room. She was bad news, player. Oh, my God. Did she try to kill you? No, but she was just,

she carried a bad energy. I'm afraid death has come to y'all. town sheriff. Remember Donald Pleasance? That was his line. It was. You be the sheriff and say anything to me. You pull up in your car.

What movie is it? It's Halloween, the original. So you be the sheriff. You screech to a stop. You get up, you walk up to me. Wait, before you get into it, Bob Odenkirk used to do a thing when we were doing news radio.

Okay. Where he would pretend to be Donald. His name was Donald Pleasance, but he wasn't being Donald Pleasins. Right, right. But I think he just couldn't think of a name when we were improvised. Oh, wow.

Is it Pleasants or Pleasantzance? Pleasants. Okay. So here's what we do. You screech to a stop. You're the sheriff. You run up to me, you say something, and then I do the famous line I just did,

but now I can do it more in character. Who are you? I'm Donald Pleasant's in Halloween. Okay, so you're the sheriff guy. You're the sheriff, but I'm Donald Pleasant's searching for Michael Myers. I'm his doctor. Oh, right. So I'll even do the screeching to the stop sound. You're the doctor that he escaped from. Right. And I'll even do the police car screeching to a stop for you as a friend. I'll do a screech to a stop sign sound as a friend. Just to be nice. Just to be

nice. Yeah. Ready? But wait, but I am just, I'm just a cop just a hired hand for one day. Yeah, you're the town sheriff. Oh, so I'm on the whole movie. You're the whole movie. Okay. I don't remember how he was, but I'll just run up and say any line, ready? Hey, do you know about the murders? I'm afraid death. It's come to your tiny town, Sheriff. Why are you laughing at my acting?

Because it's so good. Guy. Oh, did it move? Let's do it. Let's keep going. Okay. Do you want the car screech again? Okay, yeah. Wow, you really came in hot.

That's because I'm afraid death has come to your tiny town, Darrow. Now, just because we've had a few deaths in our town, it doesn't mean it came to our town. It's leaving because I'm the sheriff in this town. I'm afraid death has come to your tiny town. Is that all you say? I'm afraid death has come to your tiny town, Sheriff,

for the 14th fucking time! God, Dick! What am I supposed to say it? How many times can I do the line? What am I supposed to say after? I know, but you're supposed to be a hard out. Oh. End.

Perfect. Andy, what a treat to have you here. Let's talk about a movie we did that people love. Employee of the Month. Give it to them, Guy. Run with it. I remember, I was trying very hard to think, to think of some stories from the movie.

I'm so sorry. I have burple, blump, up, ditis. I'm so sorry, let me put this down. Glow ahead. Did you ever have sex with Jessica Simpson? Yes. No, you did. Yeah.

You really did. Yeah, about 45 times. Oh, my God. Yeah. I had a truck come in, an 18-wheeler from Bakersfield, a Mack truck, and it was all mattress. I mean, those beds are about 72 feet long. about 72 feet long

and I caught them to cut a custom mattress and we would start at the front of the mattress and I called it fucking roll. Would you park on a hill? No, but when we go up a hill I'd get the driver at a radio and we would roll and we would slowly it's almost like an apple turnover

but instead of apples that had intercourse. I like it. Yeah. But you never had sex with you. No, I did not. No. Did you? No.

You look like you have. Dane. did, I think. He did? I think. Oh, talk to me. I don't know. You just said it.

So talk to me. Oh, that's right. You're from Canada. That's got nothing to do with Dane and Jessica Simpson having sexual intercourse. Well, I just heard it in your voice and I want it. I want it. I'm going to get in trouble. No, no.

I don't know anything. You just said it. You just said Dane Cook and Jessica Simpson had sexual intercourse. I said I, maybe they did. And that's predicated on. What data? That we were in a movie and we were out in Yuma, Arizona for three months together. And, you know, why wouldn't they?

There's something in your eyes that says they did. I really wouldn't know. Maybe I caught them, but I don't remember that. You did, I think. Let's do some regressive therapy. Andy, what did you see with Jessica Sipson and Dinkgo? Andy. I remember Harlem Williams

creeping in my room at night. I said what took you so long? You son of a bit. You twisted it, Dick. You twisted it all round, Dickie. Oh, what is it? Oh, my God, garbage. No, I'm kidding.

He made it right there with the dreads. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. It's a podcast. You're supposed to do Mr. X. It's like a Picasso. Can he pop his head in and without the pick and without the awesome? Wow, that's wild.

Is that Sharpie on canvas? Is it? Why don't you let him talk about it? No, this is your, this is your, this is your, no. Dicky, no. I want to show off my boys. No. This is your podcast, Dickie.

We're not here to promote your boys. What are you got, a basketball team now? We're getting there. Thank you, whoever made this. He's right there. What's your name? Eric. Eric, thank you, Eric.

Very beautiful. Is this really for me? Yeah. Thank you. Can you tell me what it is? It's a few people. It's Dickie's world? It's just some people.

Yeah, it's a little sort of like, If I'm a psychologist, it's a little sort of, you know, it's a little, like, discombobulated, a little chaotic, a little, you know. But I guess that's what the artist was going for. I appreciate it. Thank you. He signed the back. But why didn't he sign the front?

Can you ask him? Because it's not real hard. You can only. Is he still here? There are behind him. You can only sign. You can always sign real hard. This is a child scribble with a Sharpie.

Oh, my God. Is it made with a Sharpie? Is he still here? Eric, is it made with a Sharpie. It is a Sharpie. The whole thing is a Sharpie? Oil Sharpie. Oh, this is oil?

Oil Sharpie. So it's oil painting in a pen. Well, thank you so much. I think he's just signed the front. I should? He should. No, you didn't make it. I can hold it up.

I'll sign it. I don't think you should. Okay. Hold it up where they can see it, Dickie, so I can sign it. Whoa, I flipped off a piece of art. I flipped it off. You don't want it? I love it.

I want it. Have you ever... I won't say it, but thank you. Thank you. so kindly. Hey everybody, check out my merchandise at Harbling.com. Yeah, most people just slap some letters or images on a t-shirt or a hoodie, but not me. Yours truly. Guess what? I draw my own designs at Harbleng.com. You can see tons of my hand-drawn t-shirts. You can see. You

can either buy the original or you can buy a print. And man, oh man, wear them loud and proud. I love making these designs for you guys and keeping it personal. So check out the whole catalog. We got hoodies. We got copy mugs. We got t-shirts. You name it. It's there at harbling.com. Get your Harland original design, wearable art at Harbling.com today. And thank you for your support. And I'll just keep the groovy images coming. But let's get back to the podcast where we were talking about Employee of the Month. talk to me guy

were you going out with anybody during that time you didn't have a girlfriend at the time I did at the time actually she came up to visit on set yeah my boyfriend came up at the time who I can't remember weirdly you don't remember your own boyfriend I think there was a few of them they came up because we were there for three months there was a few yeah how many three like a bunch oh my boys three different ones came up

three guys would be considered a bunch no it would be considered a few but three sounds like a bunch a few that's exactly a few like if I said to you a bunch would be four maybe five so if I sang to you a great big bunch

or ripe banana they like common you won't go home that sounds more like what you were dealing with no well Day Unste O

You can't I don't think That might be in public domain That song Really? I thought I saw it Walking around

The other day Andy But didn't we Have fun On that movie set And you wore those glasses You wore those

Coke bottle glasses And you made me laugh So hard Because your eyes Were like This big And I want to

give you a taste of what I had to look at while I was doing my takes this is basically what I had to look at when I'm looking at you this is I'm trying to act are you okay? No I told him

a little sick what do you think you got in all seriousness in all in all seriousness are you a doctor I am what do you do I'm Dr. Giggles.

He-he-he-he-he-he-he-he. Remember that movie? It was a horror movie. It's called Dr. Giggles. That's fine. Imagine a Dr. Giggles. Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, you have leukemia. He-h-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-h-ha-h-d.

Dr. Giggles. Mr. Jackson, the reports are in. Terminal bowel cancer. He-he-he-he-he-he-he-ha. You would never get in trouble for the things you say. I say nothing because I am nothing. Nothing can't get in trouble for nothing because nothing from nothing leaves nothing. But you got to have something.

Dickie, tell me your favorite memory of Employer the Month. Because we had so much fun, guy. Come on. Well, me and you did. you wait you don't think anyone else did tell me some behind yes i feel like you know behind the scene stuff that i don't tell me i want to know after 30 years i think luke and jessica luke luke wilson he wasn't in the movie whoops oh i meant dame cook i mix up those good-looking leading men so you think dain and what jessica possibly were what

fucking what do you mean well i mean i don't know though you don't know but yet on a scale of one to ten how much don't you know like on a scale of one to zero but i think they went out to dinner or something like oh what do you guys

isn't that a very can i go out to dinner like what do you eat isn't that quite a broad statement no zero but say they're fucking like where's the in-between here dicky me making things up in my head when I was when I saw them together oh because they did have a good chemistry yeah and they were the two leads and that often happens in movies the leads always have sex they do like when bill Murray did that movie Dumbo with that elephant I heard they got it on but like what you and I did when we, you know, did an employee at the month. It was horrible for me.

Why? You were rough. I was rough. What do you mean? I was mean to you? You just, you helped me down. I don't want to, this is not, this is supposed to be a happy podcast. Are you getting emotional? I would say get it out. Let it out, guy. It's okay.

I just wish you fucked me more. Let it out? How? More. How? Like, tell, one more. Put your whole fist in there. next time please doctor

we got it all out now guy because it sounds like it was never all in dude we never had sex I don't fly on that side of the fence no I know that but you do and you know who else didn't all you Canadians I thought about this this morning yeah please you Phil

Hartman yeah let's see who it is Oh, boy. Maybe it's Venice Williams. Hello. Oh, God. I have got to figure out who. To use a phone? No, no, no, no, no. There's this thing calling me,

and every time a number comes in, I block it, but they're just, like you said, they're using Google or somebody told me to change the number every time. Is it spam? Yeah. Oh, God, I got spam the other day. For insurance.

Oh. I got spammed the other day and I couldn't get the smell of that canned meat off of me. Some homeless guy ran up and just rubbed it all over my body. And that spam is horrible. I ate

a spam thing the other day. There's a Chinese place. Yeah. What's it called? Who took me there? Is that what it's called? Who? Who took me there? Who did? Oh, you did? Oh, no. Jared loves it. Sushi spam. Oh, sushi spam. Oh, spam's already

shit but then you eat it uncooked it's even better so they have this bit of big of a thing of spam yeah they cover it in rice and seaweed it was gross

I couldn't even finish it and an egg hey there sushi spam walking down the street so fancy free hey there sushi spam walking down the street so fancy free buddy acting

you've been acting for what 40 years now yeah I looked it up too what I did because I'm like I know he's going to ask me these questions and I'm not going to know no what I want to do is I want people to be reminded of your acting do you do you are you threatened by technology and AI entering no I'm not but I know a lot of actors are but you're not okay then can we prove that to them? Yeah.

I would love it if you read some Shakespeare to technology. And just see, go ahead. To be or not to be? That is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune. Whether it takes no blur in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows

of outrageous fortune. Or take arms. Can you tell them your acting? This is my wife. Well, tell her you're acting. Tell her your acting, Dick. I'm in the middle of a punk.

You're in the middle of acting. I'm in the middle of acting. the middle of acting. God. Do you want to talk? Talk to this. Jacob's here. Did you know that?

Better talk to the technology, Andy. She hung up. She never wants to be on camera. Okay. Wait, wait. This is perfect for Halloween. Double, double, toil, and trouble. Double, double, toil, and trouble.

Fire burn and cauldron bubble. Fire, burn, and toe of frog. I have nukes and toe of dog. Wool of bat and tongue of dog. A bat and how a dog At his fork and blind worms sting Thirc and blind worms sting Lizards leg

And howlets wing Lizard's leg And howlets wing Last section Double double toil and trouble Fire burn and cauldron bubble cool it with a baboon's blood then the charm

is firm and good and good did you forget your line flower okay you can go bye you can go backstage tell it to fuck off hey hey fuck off

Bitch Bitch Can I try one Andrew? Yeah This next one's very famous The third one But you can do Wait did I do that one

I'd like to update it to do something From a more modern theatrical piece Okay you make me do Shakespeare I'd like to update and do something For a more modern theatrical piece If you could just If you could just do a screeching you If you could just do a screeching tire sound for me.

Do a screeching tire sound. Me? Okay. I am afraid death has come to y'all tiny town, sheriff. I'm afraid death has come to your tiny town, sheriff. Fuck off. Fuck off. I'm sorry, I'll fix that way. Wow, buddy, you can act still.

Oh, God. God. What else do you have a note? What's over there? Well, this was Shakespeare. Okay. All right, get that thing and shut it off because it's going to be talking

the whole rest of the thing. Andy, will you grab it? Can you grab it, Jared? This is, this is Jared. No, go behind because if you go in front, the cameras will go out of focus. Be very careful. Don't think how I'm back into it?

focus? No, these are from the 1940s before I don't know if you're going to laugh hand the Dementoid over Yeah, thank you No, these are autofocus

You just don't want him to be on camera No, this is your podcast Yeah, but I like to promote people Well, that's not what this is He's a visual artist, Andy, If you look in my eyes, you'll see, I don't care about anybody but you. All I've ever cared about is you. That's sweet.

Nobody out going to get in these doors. Are you a night lover or a day lover? Night. What is the diff? When you're making live during the day, what's different from Andy Dick making sweet, tender, pork, tenderloin love at night? When the sun... Well, it's because I stay up so late.

I mean, I can... It'll be fun during the day, too, obviously. But, you know, you stay up all night, drinking, partying, so then you wind up sleeping all day. So I don't... Lately, I have more days. I have a more normal schedule now. Yeah.

I go to bed between 9 p.m. and midnight. But the other day, I stayed up until 5. A.m. What were you doing up till five, my guy? Buddy, you know the kind of things I do. No, I want to know. What were you doing up till 5 a.m., Andrew Zachary Dick? That's not my middle name, but...

It is my show, and it'll be Zachary. No, I went somewhere precarious with a friend. Well, that's not enough. We need to know what precarious looks like, what precarious is called, and what happened to precarious? Well, it was just, it was one night recently with, you know, some

drugs. Okay, we're narrowing it down. The Nancy Drew Mystery is slowly getting solved. What kind of drugs? And if you could face this way, where the podcast is. It was cocaine. And how many lines did we do? Three only. That's nothing

for me. That's nothing? That's fucking nothing. That's like a Diet Coke. What in the name of Morgan Freeman's speckled-ass cheats. What's a good night for you on the Cocaine's? T-Chi. What's her name from Superman? Lois Lane?

But what's the actress? Oh, Margot Kidder. Yeah. A good night would be her and I just going out for some sushi. Really? some of that new spam sushi Margo Kidder who's passed away by the way I would take her dead body out

now I'm just kidding I just like doing a Margo Kidder where does Andy Dick go here's Andy Dick no cocaine here's Andy on cocaine what changes what changes between here

and there there's levels in between that's what I'm trying to tell you like now I don't do it I really just don't do it I don't like it I feel shitty I like it.

It has to be good. There's no such thing as good cocaine anymore. You wouldn't know you don't do it. I've never done it. Are we coming at Daddy now? Don't drink, don't smoke. What do you do?

Don't drink, don't smoke. What do you do? Settle in you windows follow. It must be something inside. Goody too, goody-to-goody-to-goody-to shoes. Good-a-to-go-to-go-to. Goody good and two shoes. Okay.

You have to buy that now, you know. What? That song. What do you mean? You have to buy it if you play it on your podcast. I didn't play it. We just sung it. We improvised it.

Oh, you can get, you can do that? Yeah. Name any song. I'll sing it fearlessly. If you can do any. Yeah. Give me a song. Aba song, not Dancing Queen.

Okay. Knowing me, knowing me, knowing, You. There's nothing we can do, knowing me, knowing you, walking through an empty house, tears in my eyes. Is that like me? Abba just fucks me over hard. Why do you hate them?

I love them, but I can't sing them. I get asthma. I get abbsma. suddenly we're in a Ricolo commercial there's an echo coming from out in the hallway that's Eric the artist Eric the artist maybe you can give them each a minute

at the end of this just so they can no why are you so mean but they're my good friends oh should I bring my neighbor my gardener and the guy from 7-Eleven on here this is the Andy Dick podcast I'm not here to promote

other people, Andrew. Come on, guy. What's the craziest thing you've ever done, as you say, jacked up on cocaine? The craziest thing you've ever done. Well, I crashed my car right at, like, right here in Hollywood and Vine. That's famous. Yeah. It is kind of totaled it.

You were on, you were on. Then I just walked away from it. You were on Coke when you did it? And drunk and high. Wow. And you hit a lamp post or something, didn't you? Yeah. And you just walked away.

What was I going to do? Sit in a car that might blow up. You're right. But what we want to know is where did you go? You don't just walk away. I only got half a block away before a cop tackled me. Tackled you to the ground? Yeah.

Because everybody saw it. It was Hollywood and Vine. So do you remember what building you were in front of when the tackle happened? No. But I went down a side street. I didn't go down Vine. Oh, so you were in a neighborhood with homes. Maybe.

So it's quite possible. We're talking about the 90s, yeah. It's quite possible. A nuclear family, husband, wife, three children, and a dog. We're looking out there large living room window, just watching the neighbors go by. And Andy Dick wobbles past and gets tackled by a policeman. then they would probably take me in as a stray dog.

Oh. There's my son. Where? Right there. There's a son behind you, too. Oh, there is. But look, do you know Jacob? I know his son.

Oh, he is a male. Oh, yeah. You've been on the show before. Oh, negative ghost writer. What are we doing? You're determined to get one of your buddies on this. This is my son. Hey, hey.

How's it going? Oh, he just got right on it. Wow, he's more pushy than his old man. Hey, everybody, very excited to announce my 2026 comedy tour across the United States, Comzilla. I'm coming to your town to stomp it with comedy. Please check Harlowwilums.com for cities, showtimes, dates, ticket access, all that stuff, you don't want to miss Comzilla. I learned from the best.

Wow. Okay, so he's here. Great. You got someone in now what? Go ahead, Andy. Let's grind the podcast to a halt because you had to have sex one night and produce this thing.

I was the fastest sperm. I do have a question. Okay, please. My sister met you, and she said the only time she met you that she was gluing Cheerios on your face, but she has no. No idea what it was for.

Yeah. Do you remember what it was for? Yes, we were doing, you were hosting Tom Green's show. He had a show in Burbank. Right. And he had to leave town, so he asked you, he asked you to host it or to me to be the guest with you or me to host it and you be the guest.

I think he told us both the same thing. Yeah. Yeah. And we ended up sticking Cheerios all over each other's faces. Good times. So we were serial monsters. Serial monster. Yeah.

All right, I'm going to get out of here, but I heard you play racquetball, too. And you've got to join the pickleball. If you're ever in Riverside, come hang out, Suboba Casino Pickleball. Come play big. I'm afraid death has come to your tiny town, son. Spooky. Did you say that to Shakespeare? Thou might notice that thine death has arrived in thou town, thou lage.

To play pickleball. See how this just dropped the whole podcast into the toilet Now I didn't You know I'm kidding I love your son Give him a hand What's your name again? Jacob Dick

Oh God He's so good You know I'm messing around I love that someone gave me a piece of art I love your son I love anything about you Dickie You know I'm having fun I know

And he has two kids How many? Two my son He has a fresh one Still covered in placenta or if he's Italian maybe covered in Palenta Dickie

here we go my guy our final segment this is called I do this with every guest I don't watch I don't watch anything I know I know you don't and I'm honored

it's called words from a wooden shoe this is an authentic Dutch clog from Doishland I remember there's random words in the shoe you pull one out and see if it sparks a moment in your journey in life, Andy. Just one. Andy Dick. Just one.

Here we go. We go deep. He's going deep. Use that ass picking finger of yours. Here we go. What is it? What is it? Jacob.

What is it? Look what I pulled out of the wooden shoe. No way. What is it? Come on back in, Jacob. Hurry. This is what I pulled. Show him the wooden shoe from Holland.

A clog or? A wooden clog from Holland. Now, come in close so we get you on camera. There we go. Get right in behind your dad. Almost mount him. Yes. Stay there, Andy.

Look at what I pulled in. Show him the shoe. You saw it. Tuck him behind him on that side. There you. Right there. There you go. Now you'll be on camera.

What's it saying? say, my guy. Loving moment with dad. Would you look at that? Perfect. Now, what's the clog have to do with it? Well, what we do... That's just his thing.

We pull the... Yeah, we don't need to know the clog. It's like a fortune cookie. Always these people you bring on fucking up the podcast. This is why we don't have them. He's fucking with you. I know.

What do you... Tell us a loving moment with your son, Andy, that... Catching snakes. Well, let him tell it. It's not your podcast, son. He doesn't have the best memory sometimes. True. Andy, he's right there, so be careful.

The snake thing, he's right. I would take him. Yeah. I know a perfect moment. Yeah, with the, so I would make this pillow case with a wire, a close hanger. Yeah. I'd make it into a circle and have a little handle. You made a clothes hanger thing.

And I would hold that, and he had a very long, extended snake catcher. About five feet. It's very safe, and the snake would be... Oh, yeah. It catches rattlesnakes and stuff? Yeah, yeah. And I'd be there with the snake chomping at my face, just waiting for him to...

He would hold the bag. Waiting for him to put the snake in the bag, and he'd just be laughing the whole time, and I'd be scared shit. Still laughing. So just to recap, a favorite father-son loving moment is making your son pick up poisonous snakes while he's chomping at his face, and you're laughing.

Yeah, what a beautiful loving family. Oh, what a family. Oh, give each other a hug and a kiss. Come on. Oh, and say, I love you. We love you. We do all the time. Well, say it clearer, nice and slow.

Am I, ma'am. Can we bring the flower in? Can the flowers say I love you? Have you seen that? No, but look at him. Say I love you to the flower. It'll repeat what you say. Oh, wait, wait.

Yeah, we got the song. Okay, here we go. It's your podcast, right? No. I love you. I love you. I love you. Love it.

Aw. The flower love. Ladies and gentlemen, we can't end on anything better than love. Anything better than love. Andy, before we go, please tell the folks where they can see you if you have any upcoming projects, have any movies, books. That guy that's making a movie as we speak. And you graciously let him in with his camera, which you don't do. You're shooting a documentary, right?

Five or six years, yeah. Everybody's in it. Oh, Andy. You're now in it, yeah. I'm in it, too? Well, he's right there. What's it called the documentary? What was that new name?

I'm changing it all the time. Oh, it was, it might still be that, the little angry clown who. The little angel clown who that cried. It's a work in progress. God, might as well just call it. the Cheesecake Factory menu it's long enough well buddy

anything you want to say to your fans you are beloved people love you've brought so many so much laughter and joy and I'm going to tell you as a fellow actor comedian friend I've had two movies in my career

where I could not hold it together and make it through a scene because someone was that funny an employee of the month there was five or six scenes where I couldn't finish the scene because you made me laugh so freaking hard and I love you for that buddy. What was the other movie?

The other movie, I did a movie for the insane clown posse. Oh, I love that. And the jerky boys were in it and one of the jerky boys did a line and I couldn't get through it. But he only did one line. You did about five where I could not function and they had to do 30 takes just so I could get

it. It was so hard to do but I loved every minute of it. You know an employee of the month they, I always ask the director, I ask. Yeah. Say, I know you want me to do your script that you wrote. Yeah. Great.

Yeah. I love it. But I like to do a thing where I do your lines. I'll do three of yours. And then the fourth one, maybe fourth and fifth, can I just throw something in there? Do you remember about an hour and a half ago when I asked you to talk about employee of the month and your experience on it? And now you're doing it that we're wrapped? Okay.

Let's talk. Let's do this more often. Let's do this more often than not, and let's focus on the knot. Oh, my God. Oh, my God, Hazel. I love you, Andy Dick, folks. I love you so much. Thank you for having you.

Oh, we love you, Andy. Thanks for being here on the Harlan Highway. That's it for today, folks. Until next time, chicken chow main, baby. Let's see if this guy will do it. Chicken chow main, baby. And we are out. Thanks, Andy.

I really love you. Love you, buddy. Thank you. And I want to see you more often. That's what she said. T.C. Hey, everybody. How would you like your very own personal video message from me, yours truly?

It's your birthday. It's your anniversary. It's your graduation. Or you just want me to make you laugh. You get to pick the topic. You want me to discuss. give me some talking points and off we go you can get it for yourself or get it for a friend it's super easy and fun just go to the cameo app on your phone or to cameo dot com and i record a

custom video made just for you or your loved one your very own personalized harland