The Harland Highway - ARI SHAFFIR hits the Highway and Talks Junk in the Trunk!

Episode Date: March 11, 2025

This episode is sponsored by Ridge, and Hims: Start your free online visit today at Hims.com/HARLAND Take advantage of Ridge’s once-a-year anniversary sale and get UP TO 40% Off right now by going to https://www.Ridge.com/[HARLAND] #Ridgepod More Harland Williams: Harland Highway Podcast Video: https://www.youtube.com/c/HarlandHighwayPodcast Harland Highway Podcast Audio: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-harland-highway/id321980603 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/harlandwilliams Harbling Shirts: https://www.harbling.com Official Website: https://www.harlandwilliams.com Twitter :https://twitter.com/harlandhighway?lang=en More Ari Shaffir: Website: https://www.arishaffir.com/ Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/arishaffir/?hl=en #podcast #harlandwilliams Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Well, look at this stuff. Have you ever used this stuff? Ben Gay. This we name also. Yeah, I mean, why don't they just call it homosexual Larry or queer Johnny? How about some, hey, you got any queer Johnny? You'd rather buy a queer Johnny tube. I wonder if this was like some guy, the guy who invented Ben Gay.

Yeah. What if he was actually gay and this was his roundabout way of outing himself? Yeah, telling his parents without telling them. Like he didn't want to, he didn't have the courage, but he just guys, hey, mom and dad, family, I created this new stuff. Ben gay And they're like, nice Ben, wait. Why would you? I mean, Ben, I guess.

What? Because you're like, well, does it rhyme with anything? Why are you here with your business partner? When you always bring to Christmas. With the nice nails. Yeah. You ever been at one of those family dinners? But he's like, no, he just always brings his roommate.

Yeah. And you're just like, oh my God, you guys can't say. I'm just meeting them and I can tell. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, man. down the Harland Highway.

All right, hold tight on the Harland Highway Show. Harland Williams. Well, welcome, let me hit the theme music. Folks, here we go. Oh, yeah, that's really good. Folks, welcome to the Harlan Highway podcast. I do guarantee we're going to have a good time, not a sad time. And special guest today,

Ari Shafir is here and I'm going to say actor, comedian you've acted right I have I guess you could say it I said actor yeah well

already I'm getting a slam oh what was that include masturbator as well I did that more masturbator actor uh director

directed Apocalypse Now the Terriaki Papers his series on Al Jazeera television. I don't know. There's too many credits. How did you?

The Terriaki papers. Who made that theme music? It came with the kid. Oh, cool. I just, I thought I'll play it once or twice. And then I thought, I'll just keep playing it.

Yeah, I love that one band, public domain. They are prolific. That's who it is. I've had people write in and go, hey, man, seven other podcasts have that same theme. And I go, oh, well, you want to write me a new one? By the way,

to write me a new harland highway theme song and i like it yeah i'll i'll play do you want to hear it yeah let's hear it do i look like a dj well more like a bj right it's got the classic kick right it's good 90s yeah it feels 90s and it's really about getting the energy going because i'm lethargic almost um catatonic really yeah i'm sort of like a sloth and a cadaver mixed together like a slidavar and I'm really just like molasses pouring out a dolly parton's cookie jar in the middle of the night that's the story she tells on stage a lot are you cereal yeah the old molasses story out of her lasas in the cookie jar story is it sexual or is yeah she uses entangra is that the word she did it up north yeah she goes by the way this is all

entendre i'm talking about my pussy my fat fucking pussy that's what she said she got a lot of people know my tits, but what you don't know is about Dolly Parton's fat pussy. So I don't want to talk about that, she says, as she explains it. But so my molasses jar is that fat pussy. And she calls it the tundra? She calls it the molasses jar. Oh, wow. She could

call it the tundra. I'll talk to her. So wait, right out of the gate, we're talking about D. P's P. Yeah. Oh, you and I should D.P.D.P. Whoa, down at the DMV. What a story that would be. Oh, Harlan and Ari, chomping in the Appalachia style. Wow. Can you

imagine me and you like double riding the part wow the doll part yeah part in the part wow god we would be bonded forever we would be in paralysis with those giant snow cones all over us when she gets into the rock and roll hall of fame they'd have to include us in that dude have you ever uh power smith to celebrity have you ever hammer smith a celebrity a country singer Well, no, but one time I made up that I was dating Tina y' others for about a year and a half. The mutant from family ties? Yeah, I had a friend keep calling me saying, hey, it's Tina, what time are we going out tonight? Wait.

Of all the people you pulled a forgery with her? Yeah, I said I met her at like coaching horses or one of those sons of us. Well, was Helen Keller busy? Why would you go for that? It's believable. Is it believable semi-celebrity I could have gotten? Like, no offense, but she's not exactly. You could have said Angelina Jolie.

It wouldn't have been believable. Who knows? Teeny others, that's one step above Alf. Who's that guy that's dated all the hot girls, that comedian guy? Roblo? No, like the guy from Saturday Night Live. Marcello? No, the Saturday Night Live.

Pete Davidson. Pete Day, look at all the trim he's got. Yeah, I can't. No one will believe I could get that. But if he could believe that guy, I mean, he looks like he sucked off a vampire behind a dairy queen. He looks terrible. Who's fucking him? Who keeps fucking?

him and he goes from one to the other oh my god i think they think they can save him how much spanish fly does that guy have yeah but you've never a power cracked a celebrity i'm trying to think right now i don't i don't think so i would remember i'd remember i'd have it how about you you must have have you've been in hollywood for a long time maybe i can't remember either ding and wait ding ding ding i didn't even do it with seven or eight of them nine it's got one of the Farley Brothers backstage once. Whoa, Scott Bayo on line four. Damn.

Can I start Ari with a personal story? Wait, have we started recording? Oh, I guess I should. Yeah, okay. Ladies and gentlemen, for the second time, and I'm a stutterer, but I do it like two minutes apart. Oh, all right. So here's Ari Shafir.

Thanks, good to be here. He's a masturbator. Welcome to the show. Thanks, Earl. And, uh, dude, Can I share a personal, can we swap a personal story out of the gate just to acclimate the viewers? Yeah, I like it. So they can sort of segue into getting to know me, feel comfortable with us.

Yeah, because they're like, who are these guys? Right. It's sort of like Tina Yothers and family ties. You know, they had the same set. And sitcoms always had the same set because it made the viewer feel comfortable. Yeah. So I figure if each of us share sort of a personal private story just to, you know, get us out of the gate.

Are you down with that? Yeah, okay. All right, so here we go, guy. The other day, I had a, like, a muscle. I had a sore muscle in my upper thigh. Okay? This is a true story. I believe it so far.

I pulled out this stuff called Ben Gay, this ointment. Rubbed it on my leg. I already know where this is going. And inadvertently, it was after the shower. It got on the old sacola. Yeah. And, dude, that bang-gay, I thought I was teabagging a mythical dragon. Why don't they have a warning label on there?

Right. I mean, a legit, strong with pictures, warning label. Yeah, don't put on balls. Don't put on balls. We'll use with gloves. Dude, I'm telling you, I thought I was dipping, teabagging like someone with ginger vitus gone wild, like level 52 halitosis. It does start slow and then move up?

Oh, dude. It gives you like an ink, like, oh, that's not, and then like, yeah it's like sizzling how come your hands can handle it yeah and you still feel it on your hands yeah well look at this stuff have you ever used this stuff ben gay this rename also yeah i mean why don't they just call it homosexual larry or why don't queer johnny how about some hey you got any queer johnny i'd rather buy a queer johnny tube i wonder if this was like some guy the guy who invented ben gay yeah what if he was actually gay and this was his roundabout way of outing himself yeah telling his parents without

telling them like he didn't want to he didn't have the courage but he just guys hey mom and dad family i created this new stuff ben gay and they're like nice ben wait why would you well i mean ben i get what what because like well does it rhyme with anything yeah and why are you here with your business partner when you always bring to christmas with the nice nails Yeah. You ever been at one of those family dinners, but he's like, now he just always brings his roommate.

Yeah. And you're just like, oh my God, you guys can't say, I'm just meeting them and I get out. Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, man. Wild. So that was the thing, dude, I put that stuff. And by the way, what is that stuff? What is it in the,

in general? Yeah, like if it can sizzle through your flesh and change your muscles and your blood, what the hell's in this gay stuff? Because you know somebody must have used it as lubricant in a gay sexual escapital.

Oh, my God. A new gay to that, not knowing? Like, yeah, I guess this is sure. Oh, if you use that during gay sex, you both screaming? Yeah. Both of you are screaming. You might as well be indicted into the Hall's Menthalyptus Hall of Fame. Yeah, the Halls of Fame.

Wow. That would sting like a rusty nail going through Jesus' hand on a hot Thursday night at Bakersfield. I mean, I don't know what else to say, guy. Yeah. What else? else could I describe it? Have you ever used the gay sauce? I think I used it a while ago on my back or something,

but I'd already heard that warning. So I was very confident. You were careful. Yeah. You've never had it. Because then you wash your hands off, but there's still like it like coats like it's like ducks back. You've got to like soap it off.

And then if you rub your eyes, you're going to onion town. I did that once in Israel. I was messing with like hot seeds, hopon arrow seeds. I was trying to stuff them in sunflower seeds. So some people were taking sunflower seeds of mine Without asking And I thought that wasn't right

Payback So yeah So I had a thing of sunflower seeds From where people asked Smart And then one for when people didn't ask And I would put one little Habonero seed

And each one I'd crack it open A little stuff in a haban arrow seed Then close it And let them You know They took they took It's up to that You're like a naughty chip monk

Yeah But then I went and showered afterwards Wow Same stuff Habon arrow seed all over my hand But wait a minute Let me Because I

I went peeed And then I had that It was like, fine. And then I started going back to my dorm and then it was like, ow. Ow. And then I just, full clothes jumped into the shower. In your clothes? Yeah.

It was incredible. I mean, you can't feel a pain like that. How bernero seeds are not supposed to, they're bad in your mouth. Yeah. They come from what? Peppers or from haponarros? What is a haponero? Habonero, it's a type of pepper.

Sounds like a donkey that goes to the bottom of the Grand Canyon, if I'm being honest. Yeah, it does. Hey, 40 pesos. my hepen arrow will take it right down to the bottom, right down to the bottom of my hairy hepar narrow. Yeah. That's how I interpret it. I've been to the Great Canyon.

That guy still is there. You see? Have you been to the bottom? Nah. We started to go, me Renazisi and Simone. And then we're like, it's straight back up. We've got to turn around. It's the most overwhelming scenic place in the world.

I went with my old roommate, Reg, my college roommate. We got to the edge of it. we literally stood there and we're both kind of funny guys we stood there and went great let's go to the cafeteria like that's the fear that you're going to go like cool all right that's all you can do because the scope is so big like what can you do you can't even take a picture of it because it's like hey take a picture of the planet earth yeah it doesn't do it much yeah we walk along the ridge for a while then everyone somebody just go yeah and it's so wide you can't even yodel because it won't even come back. It's so deep.

You won't even come back. Yeah. The only real good thing is to throw a sister over the edge or a brother or an infant child. We were throwing rocks down to see how far it could go. Oh, God. Yeah, we just kept doing it and see if we could. And then somebody comes from there. Like, hey, you guys throw rocks down? That's a path. Whoa. Just launching rocks over a path. Dude, what if you hit a Hapanero? What if you hit a Hapanero? They're careful. They're resilient, though. They are? Yeah.

Okay, I'm a details oriented guy. You're telling me people, we're taking your sunflower seeds. Yeah. Okay. So I'm studying there on my desk ahead of sunflower seeds. And my dad, I would kind of, you know, the big Israeli ones are really big.

And then I'd eat them or whatever. And some people come by, talk, and they just grab some. Really? Yeah, it's like fries. People, there's two types of people. There's grabbers. And they're like, do you mind if I have some fries?

Yeah, what do you? Do you mind if you have some fries? I'm a grabber. Unless when they're in the bathroom, then I'm a grabber. You'll grab it. Oh, in the bathroom. I want to rearrange.

Oh, he's that one fry. Yeah. dude you ever have a roommate where you take a little bit of his leftovers and then like the next day you take a little more and then you have to like space out his leftovers oh because he knows you've been thieving yeah dude you're a strategic you're a clever guy and thieving yeah um are you a straight uh fry guy or curly fry guy curly when it's available you're nuts turn off to get a curly yeah it's not like they're both equally available yeah you got a few options in life to get a curly you take it well there's so many many things you can be creative. They're never not seasoned. Oh, yeah, no matter what season, they're season. What else can you do that with? Well, with curly fries, I have a few things I do that are fun.

And you can, since you're a curly fry guy, I put, I glue them to my eyelids and pretend I'm Dolly Parton. Okay. Like, you put about seven on each lid and you got it. It looks like you got her. And then the other one I do is in the winter, if I'm up like, yeah. Where's this going to go? Yeah.

You know what, I'm not even going to... When you start with winter, I'm like, what? Play that theme music. No, in the winter, if I can get some good curly fries, I will strap them, ductate them to the bottom of my shoes and hit a slope. And it's like having like 20 toboggans,

10 on each foot, and you just slide right down the hill. That's so bad. And then the last one I do, sometimes just for a kick because you know you go to the steam bath at the YMC and it's always the same thing but if you if you duct tape a curly fried just over the crack your ass yeah and then they think you're a pig you know you got a pig let yeah a little half pig I just walk around a I slap myself till I'm pink and then I'm just me and I just you know I tease I like to tease daddy He likes to tease.

You never done it? I was going to just say you could. Mine wasn't even close to that. Say it. You can bunch it up or you pull them apart when you bunch them up. I like to imagine like blowing a fucking blowing a potato. But I mean, I keep it on restaurant. You're taking them away from the restaurant.

You really open up the possibilities. I like to tease. At the YMCA steam bath. Have you ever been over there? Not to that one, no. Oh, where do you steam? I go to like the Russian bath houses or where I try to go on the road, but they're all gay. Yeah, it's hard to find a straight one.

Yeah, you go in, you're like, ah, you need Russian. You ever go into the, like a senior center and get in on a group sponge bath? And by, you know, halfway through, there's so many pieces of skin and stuff floating you feel like you're in clam chowder. I've got to look into that. Oh, take a ladle. If you're going to do it, take a ladle. It's almost like, you know, you know, you get to watch people cook. It's a big, stewie.

Yeah. Stewie in there. It's like Benny Hana, but with chowder. You know, Benny Hanna, you get to watch him make the food. So if you get in a nice sponge bath with like 12 seniors. Yeah, you feel like probably like Bugs Bunny in the Africa when they're putting them in that big pot. Yeah, yeah, and they're just dropping all this stuff in the carrots, yeah. Yeah, what's up, Kekoon?

Yeah, that was pretty good. It's not bad. And the Kekoon reference? Yeah. Seven of your listeners get that. Well, that's good because I only have six. Okay. Nice. You're expanding.

Yeah. I got, uh, yeah, that's Carol, uh, clab trap down there in Boston. And I got, uh, Neil, uh, knuckle genders over there and, uh, for Munda Street. Uh, you're a treasure, man. Surprise. You should get your green card at some point. I know. Yeah, you deserve it.

I know. People don't know I'm illegal. Oh, yeah. It's unbelievable. Yeah, I'm not going back. Yeah, probably edit that out. No, I don't mind. Okay.

If ice shows up at my place, I'm pouring lemonade. Yeah, pour it out. Treat them nice. Get some rice or whatever the saying is. That's how they say it for sure. All right. Let's talk about this, wallets, okay? You know how many times I've sat on this and it's left a bruise shaped like a piece of lasagna on my butt cheek?

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myself with the gay sauce yeah and uh you know do you have a do you have a saucy story or something that you know a personal even a bathroom habit or something there's got to be well last time i was in this city i was hiking in runyon canyon here we go and i had a i had a i had a i had a I had a diarrhea that I didn't expect. A diarrhea. Yeah. Is it singular or plural? I mean, the epidemic is a singular.

Yeah. And then the food itself is a plural. So you're saying I had a diarrhea. I was inflicted with a diarrhea. It sounds odd. I guess because it's so, it's like a runny mass. Like I can see if you just had a loaf.

I had a loaf. But I don't think you can say I had a diarrhea. The diarrhea itself is diarrhea. but a diarrhea for like what I'm feeling I have a I'm down I'm conflicted with a diarrhea I hate this that I'm a grammar guy yeah really do because it's shitting all over your diarrhea story it really is really Kelsey grammar in this down and I just wanted to be right walking and out of rooms all the time to make this okay so you had a diarrhea yeah I'm up I'm up in there and I wasn't going to get out you way up in the can't runyon canons is big

hike into the Hollywood hills yeah and you just I just could do the math it wasn't going to happen oh god in heaven what did you do i'm with my friend ryan o'neill is a comedian at the comedy store i was like buddy look out for me he was he was screaming at me not to oh so you he was going to be a lookout while you went and popped behind a bush behind a bush oh you couldn't run isn't it funny you get the runs and you can't run away in runian in runian it's the last thing you can do you need the runs right there you need to be able to run you're in run country yeah i was total run country so wait so now your buddy's watching he's a spotter he's also not for it he's like don't do this

but what does he want you to do what do you know the whole shit my pants yeah you've got a diarrhea got a diarrhea and it's got to be not here yeah so what would you do it went behind up this it's not really woodsy enough there it's not like were people watching you have a diarrhea but there's some angles where they could have seen some angles yeah so did they I don't I didn't get fully caught but there's definitely people that if they like what I mean there's it's it's a pose you're doing when you're shitting outside it's not it's nothing else yeah were you over a log or just like squat behind one of those brushes like the big brushy things less of them now but like there's there less of them now for a reason because you shit all over them oh I hope I didn't spread it probably killed a lot of spicy food that might have been the cause you happen narrowed all over the place yeah so I did it And I just, like, oh, no. Wipe with a Coca-Cola. Like a can.

I shook it up, like, old, like, chlamydia treatment, shook it up and kind of sprayed a little bit and then, like, rubbed it out. No way. That's ingenious. He didn't say so. He thought it was bad. I think that's ingenious. Because if you drop a nail into a Coke, it eats a nail.

Yeah. If you drop pennies in a Coke, it eats it. So it's going to eat a diarrhea. Yeah. I got that from the show Carnival, that show. Oh, yeah. Yeah, one of the hooker in the carnival was like had some disease and the guy like shook up a Coke and like he drank a little and he's like right, go for it. Have you ever done a diarrhea and wiped with Dr. Pepper or are you just a Coke guy?

I'm into the experiment. Was it diet or Coke Zero? It was Coke Zero. Oh. Yeah, it wipes better than regular Coke. And zeros look like an asshole too. So it's kind of. It's already there.

Yeah. Wow. And did anyone actually see you? No, people. walk by though but i was kind of down an embankment and behind that brush you know there's rattlesnakes up there right did you know that but they're like it's the like the smell gets mad yeah you're almost like an exterminator at that point you have like a force field around you oh more like a shit field yeah but now that i think about it oh they don't have noses rattlesnakes so maybe maybe well i got lucky

you know what they do you know what their noses are what what they smell what they smell what their tongues. That's why they flicker. Their tongue is picking up air particles, and that's their sense of smell. Yeah. That's why when you see a snake flickering its tongue all the time, it's not looking for ice cream. Yeah.

It's tasting the air. Well, if you're going to laugh. Why would it be looking for ice cream? Well, how do you eat your ice cream? Well, I don't like, no, I don't eat it like that. You don't kind of linger as a mint chocolate chip, but you lick it. Oh, good, dude. You're really good in there.

Dude. Have you ever kind of linguist like a peanut butter and chocolate baskin robins? Yeah, well, it's like, you know, there's like a chunk or something in there. You've got to get to it. So you got to mine, you know, like really get in there. How does it go? Wait, hold on. Oh, God.

I want that EMS or whatever. Dude, 31 flavors me, guy. Oh, dude. I'm this close to Ben, and jarring on you. I'm just like, what's wrong? Nothing. I looked outside.

I didn't realize it was so lively out today. Right? Yeah. Well, good. Thanks for sure. Right at the edge of the city in the country, too. Are you a Chinatown guy? You ever go down to Chinatown and party hard?

The one here, we have in New York I go to all the time. You do? It's a different country. It's a different country. Does it look like that in New York? I don't think I've ever been to Chinatown in New York. Is it like Chinese signs and all that, like, typical? No, I've been the.

Shanghai and Hong Kong though it looks like this okay yeah but no Chinatown does not look Korea town looks a little like this what do you what's your go-to in China town and I wasn't even going to ask this question and I don't even know if it's appropriate but yeah those leachies I get a little leachy bundle what's a leachy leachy like a grape with a hard shell around it kind of like you gruff at first but then you got kind of soft and and like delicious on the inside with those with a seed that you can't eat you gotta spit onto the ground and let it like kind of maybe sprout up if it's got the right environment but maybe like kind of die out if it doesn't my little leach you buddy dude i love descriptive run-on paragraphs especially about me yeah i got an ego like

that yeah let go my ego harleach williams she said yeah eat some work do you like ego waffles i've never had one let go my assistant See if you can fry up an ego. I don't know, whatever. What the? Vice Williams. When you go into the dentist, my mouth is ready.

Gynecologist. Neil. I just went to the dentist. Oh, here's a personal story. Oh, here we go. Finally. This happened on Saturday. You went to the dentist and went diarrhea?

Tuesday, I went to the dentist. Oh, what happened? Monday, I was taking some drugs. And I was grinding my teeth so hard, I cracked it, cracked the molar. I'm wearing a temporary right now. You cracked a molar doing what? Molly. No.

I was grinding so hard. Tell people why you grind when you do Molly. Right? I don't know. And sometimes you just get wounds on the inside of your mouth. I'm like, shocking all the time. You need to, that's why those pacifiers are so good. We need those back.

So you cracked your tooth? And then just like, like, that doesn't sound. sound great straight up and down too not on the top dear sweet angel yeah all right yeah they were like what happened and i was like i told the dental tech not the dentist the dentist i was like i don't know but the dental tech is like low low class you know let me ask you this does it not make sense to actually go to the dentist and be on molly oh so that it's yeah or go to a dentist's name molly or go to molly ringwold's house and puncher in the ovaries yeah that's where my brain goes you ever punched molly ringwald in the ovaries i've never had a good angle on it okay yeah i've

seen her a few times and wanted to but it's always been like it's gonna be an undercut uppercut but if she was on a bit of an incline no decline incline incline that's i want a straight right in her ovaries have you done it no but what i'd love to do is get a shop vac yeah suck the freckles off her orange-haired face and buy a white dog put the shop back in reverse spray her freckles all over the dog and have a Dalmatian. Oh. Call it Molly. Yeah.

Anyways, I'm drifting. Yeah. So wait a minute. Why were you doing Molly? Like just in the middle, do you do it that recreational that you'll just be like, ah, little house on the prairies on?

No, I was out at some burlesque place. I don't know. I was out with some club. Oh, so it was like a fun night. Yeah, it was a fun night. Let's add Molly to this. What's the experience like for you?

You're with a chick? Yeah. Dude. Yeah. Tina yothers What's your name Tina yothers Yeah she parties too

She was like trepidations at first about it But then she's like I'm like hey They're not going to do a reunion They're not going to do a family ties reunion No So let's just go Who care They're not testing anyway

They can't They can't No Michael's not Yeah And she's like what's it gonna do I'm like it's gonna make you feel like he does all the time Wow It's gonna make you dance and get

Wow Yeah jittery What do you feel when you do molly like what's the experience you do it drugs at all you strike me as a man you strike me as a i don't share that stuff guy correct and you just get like first you're fine and then a little bit of sweaty palms like all drugs and then you and then you just like start being positive about everything really yeah you just start going like dude you're that

tupac was so underrated at this point he was just great and then everyone's like he what you just get real into it yeah no matter what it is i wonder if he got fat if they'd call him six-pack but you have sure but just a thought yeah just being gay get shredded shredded's a six-pack so wait when you get into the molly zone yeah is it like they say and then you want to dance you do but what about affection like you said you're with a girl affection you want to tend that they're awesome i fall in love a few times on Molly. That's what they say, right? And I know that Molly goes away, but that feeling stays. That feeling stays for sure. It was, it's real. Have you engaged in sexual favors on Molly?

Yeah, yeah. Is it more intense? Is it just can't come? Why not? I don't know. It won't let you. She won't open the door. Yeah, pretty much. What do you mean you can't? You just boning and boning and eventually like, it's like not going to happen. Really? Yeah, you just can't come. It's like a chihuahua Humping your leg. Yeah, it is. Eventually, you start going faster and faster. And they're like,

anything, I'm like, eh. Yeah. That sounds disappointing. It is. Everyone from Berlin understands this. You just eventually like, oh, good enough. So, wait, you hit this euphoric kind of high.

Yeah, but it's not sexual. It's not. It's not. It's not. It's not. It's just euphoria. It wouldn't be sexual, but you might hug him a few times.

So it's more cuddly. Yeah, and just like, oh. Yeah. And you just get effusive about each other. But does the girl complain that, Hey, when are you, you know, I'm waiting. Yeah, well, she's on it, too.

She grabbed one of my, she grabbed some drink when I was gone. And I was like, ooh, that's a habanero drink in there now, if you know what I mean. Wait, what do you mean she grabbed a drink? Well, she took what was mine and then she had it too. No, I'm saying we both did Molly. Oh. So she's on the same level. So she's okay that you can't finish?

Oh, oh, yeah, it's fine. That's not a disappointment. Like, hey, Ari, we've been at this for about four hours. Can we, let's ratchet it up, nacho. Let's see the credits here. Yeah, but there's no complaints? No, yeah. If you've never done it, you're like, what's going on?

But if you have, you're like, yeah, this is expected. What's the after effects? The next day? I've heard like it could be depressing. Depression, for sure, worn out, cracked tooth, emergency dental appointments. Can you see me at two? There's a lot of calls.

Can you see me at Tuesday because I'm going out of town? Oh, wow. Yeah, there's that as an after effect for sure. Do you get down? No, it never really hits me like that. You take some 5-H-GP with it. It's a natural mood stabilizer. It is.

I thought it was a robot from Star Wars. Yeah, you went around like the Endor and stabilized everyone's mood. God. Yeah, the many moods of Endor they call it. Eeyore. It's a donkey. That's the one that went down to the...

Imagine if Darth Vader and E. E.O. were friends. Wow. What an odd couple. How are you doing, Darth? Oh, wait, oh, I thought you were, Darth, my bad. No, you do, Darth. Thanks for noticing me, Darth.

I'm fine. Do you have a deviated septum, Darth? How's the family? You need your inhaler, Darth? Oh, sorry. Sorry. Wow. You do an end, Tor.

You're doing it. A eater. Uh, speaking of sexual. activities. Yeah. I saw something recently where you said you hammer smithed in the trunk of a car. Yeah. Talk to me, guy.

Who doesn't want to do that? Yeah. It wasn't bad. You're limited in your positions. Yeah. You got to go sideways and you've got to have a big trunk. It's a selling point. A big what?

Trunk. You got to not have a big trunk. Yeah. And they got to be in possession of a big trunk. Right. What kind of car was it? Volkswagen Jetta, a real girl car. Oh, wow.

So it was hers? Yeah, it was hers. What color? Maroon, I believe. Yeah, she was really quite a maroon for letting me. But wait, so whose idea was it? You're driving along, you're going to Arbys or whatever? And she goes, hey, you want to jump in the trunk?

Pretty much. She was her idea? Yeah, she liked to fuck, brother. In the trunk. But she was like, let's do it. I'm like, where are we going to do it in Santa Monica? Free parking two hours. All over the city.

You can find a spot. Wow. Yeah, but you don't want any of these look you lose in Santa Monica. You know, these like 70s actresses. Now they're conservative. They're like, wow, I'm my day. We didn't fucking garages, you know. But wouldn't you be worried that people walking by could hear it?

They hear the thumping and immediately thinking abductions happen and they throw the trunk open only to see you in Pleasure Town. I think that might have been one of her turn-ons that might be. But no one's walking by. I was worried about somebody hitting it. Oh, right. Because it's right on theette where you have to turn. And if you're like texting. right in well you were hitting it apparently yeah she'd be fucked more she was in the sort

towards the towards the keyhole yeah what position do you do when you're in there is it spooning yeah like you know uh when pompey when those two people were found like holding each other yeah yeah that we did a little pompey and the back seat pompey plow yeah wow wow holy smoker yeah it was great it was uh how long did it last this trunk slam five six minutes oh that's it yeah i wasn't it wasn't it wasn't it was wasn't a crazy one maybe not even was it hard to breathe was it sort of an auto erotic affixiation thing not no they have some some uh ventilation but at first it was fine then it got pretty hot pretty fast wow was it in the summer pouring sweat i mean it's always summer here god you didn't get

the tire jack stuck in your crack or anything did you that'd be great like who the fuck is that who joined us one of those ones that looks like a cross or whatever you know yeah you kind of want to be something get it open get a little let Richard gear action in there Speculum would open What is it? That's what the doctor found Richard gear They had a speculum

It's like What's the speculum? It's a medical tool that's used In the sexual world Goes in like this and then just like Like a crab? Yeah, it just kind of opens up and holds Kind of like you're laying a cement down

In a hole and you got to like keep it open Why would you want to keep it open? You can get a gerbil in there. Oh. I was, how do you think you're going to get a gerbil in your butt? You think it's just going to be like the gerbils just going to be like, do it on command?

No, you got to keep it open. Can you make wishes? Like, can you throw change in it and wish? You can do whatever you want. It's a free country, but the change depends on the change. That's not healthy. Or you want the coated kind. You don't want pennies.

You want dimes, nickels, or quarters. How did you get out of the trunk? by the way. Pull handle. There's a little pull handle glow in the dark pull handle and the Jetta. Guys, Jetta's come.

Listen, the cup holders, not great. But the sex release button is... It's there. Was she... And then you pop up and you're hoping not to see people right there. I've never known. I don't know if you've ever been

the Mile High Club. You know what that is? Yeah. You fucking Denver? You fucking Denver. Yeah. But there's another one. Even...

Which is you could do on the way to Denver. Boulder? bolder than that even wow yeah yeah have you been in the mile high club no you wanted though i can see it burning in your eyes oh i want you so bad i've gone the other way what do you mean a private jet with one of those like successful comedians yeah i poop with a door open wait whose jet was it sebastian's no it's kind of a yokel comic i don't think he wants anybody knowing he takes private jets i know who it is kind of a redneck oh you even saying it yeah so The O' Vaughn.

Yeah. So let's pretend it was him. He was like, what's you doing there? Yeah. And I was like, oh, and I opened the door. And then it's just like, pooped away. He goes, yeah, my cousin married a poop once. Wait, you pooed with the door open?

Yeah. How come? Mile High Club. I misunderstood. Oh, you? Okay. I misunderstood the assignment. You thought.

And I researched it later and I found out I was doing it. Far wrong. I'm a pooper, buddy. Yeah. Yeah, I'm a pooper. You are. How many times a day? I mark twice a day, maybe.

I used to do it once every three days. Got real stopped up, made diamonds in there. Really got harder. Made diamonds. Wow. Poop diamonds. A pooper and a diarrhea or? But my biggest fear with the Mile High Club is coming out of the bathroom and having somebody

waiting. When is somebody ever not waiting in the bathroom? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you're going to know that you were in there. Yeah. And do you have shame or are you? like proud so shameful you are yeah so that was the problem to come out of the trunk too but what if someone's nearby so we had to like look out a little bit what no one's there it's like that's safe

see i don't take you for that kind of guy i'm surprised by that answer i feel like you're just the you know because you get nude i'll get nude sure you walk around but i would think you'd just wabba we just had we had sexual intercourse in a prius yeah i guess i have weird lines it's like it's like a weird thing to brag about some guys are way into it smell my finger guys yeah i will not i won't even smell their finger yeah i won't even smell someone's finger if they've been eating kFC and that's hard to pass up that's it's that's the smell is part of it yeah uh what did this chick have like a a like a mafia kink like was this she was acting out like sex in a trunk was it so what did she throw in an italian accent or anything you're in there he would love that way put it in a way

Yeah, come on. Turn me over. Let's do it a doggie style. What the matter with you, you gump? Or whatever they said. You really went from Mafia to like Chef Boyardy in the middle of that. I did, I did, yeah. Wow.

So sad. That's a spicy made of balls. Yeah. She's catering my balls. This is a spicy made of balls. I'm like, yeah, it's got halberneros on it. Avenero balls. Yeah.

But was it that part of it? She just loved the fuck. And it was like, well, where are we going to do it? Where else did you guys do it? Custler, the bar. parking lot of Hustler once. Remember old hustler on sunset? Oh, yeah, you gotta do it there.

Who doesn't? Yeah. I saw Carol Burnett and Tim Conway doing it there. Going at it. With Dorf? No, Herr. Dorff and, uh, and then. Dorff coming down on his legs and pop up and fucking Carol.

Yeah. Yeah. Because he comes right up at the Permuda triangle. Yeah. Like, boom. Yeah, just right up and pop. And then Harvey Corman holding their bob, but from behind. Wow.

Where else have you gone, girls gone wild guy? This is fun. This is fun, huh? I did it on a golf course in Maui once. What hole? I think the seventh, but right in the puts. Yeah. Then we got caught.

Did you have to pull back your four skin? Too soon. Wait, on the golf course? Yeah. It was like, sometimes you get that moment. We're like, oh, we should do it here. And then you're like, yeah. This is the wrongest place to do it.

Oh, wow. How do you do it on a golf course? Because that's wide open. Wide open nighttime. Oh, okay. You snuck onto the course. Well, it was one of those resorts where it's like there's a golf course on it. Oh, wow.

And so then we're walking back past like Black Rock. And then like, I think it's called that. And then like around them like how to walk over the golf course. And like, oh, no one's around. It's midnight. It's an early town. Can I ask? Did you do it in the sand trap on the green?

On the green. Just off the green. Actually, just off the grade. I do have respect for the game of golf. The green new deal. yeah yeah yeah yeah so just off the green the green new kneel so wait it was on the fringe because she was kneeling oh i get it i was thinking of neil brunnen i was like he wasn't there he was back at the condo neil degrassy tyson neil de grass tyson exactly yeah that's now i'm picturing him

plowing on a golf course yeah and goes you know the torque needed a penetrative vagina is equal on the moon to that that can lift up a whole caterpillar wow yeah i wonder if he has position and, like, darling, would you like to do the Carl Sagan now? Like, he's probably got these, you know. Who's the guy in the wheelchair that talked like a robot? Yeah, he died. Who was that guy? What's his name?

That guy that talked like the robot? Corky? It wasn't corky than corky. Remember the guy? Yeah, what? He just died. He couldn't go back to Epstein Island and he was mad. As he sort of, as he was getting older, his jaw was like turning into like a British

Bulldog. Like, he's kind of his teeth. Yeah. Hawking. Stephen Hawking. Yeah, and he talked worse. Yeah. He went from like, I am so by heart right now.

So I'm still a lot right now. Yeah. Yeah. Said. Gone too soon. I want to have a do it doggy style like that shaft. But if you watch that movie that they did about him, it looked like he was like a naughty guy.

Even in the wheelchair years, he was getting strippers and carrying on with women. Really? In that movie, that's how they portrayed them. They wanted to make them like a real, like a player. And I'm thinking,

how do you? I mean, if you're a girl, I'm not knocking the handicap, but I don't know a girl alive that would be turned on like, turn around and take bend over for me, please.

There's got to be a, like a freak who's into it. And then it would get normal. And then she'd be like, let's do a wheelie while we do it. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Just wheelie.

Just, yeah, his feet up in the air. Just. Yeah. Yeah, baby, ride, ride, baby, ride. Daddy wants to roll. Stephen, do you feel anything yet? I wonder if they go, they go back to the girls club and they just go, yeah, just banged a genius. Whatever. Oh, really?

Was it Neil DeGrasse Tyson? No, it was not a hawking. Oh. Yeah, banged a genius. 375.2 IQ. Together we're 378. Who'd you bang last night? A janitor?

I was with a genius. It's like, you know, no, it was the guy from Goodwill Fumpter. What do you do? I smart fuck. What a great quirk that would be. I bet they're smart groupies. Oh, you know Nadele Grasen Heisen or de Grassy High or whatever his name is. He goes through strippers like Dolly Part and going through a shrimp popper buffet.

Imagine living to you're about 48 years old as just some nerd that no one would touch. And then you, like, have a podcast or a show or something. and people like, oh, I'll fuck that nerd. And then he's like, oh, my God. Yeah. It's so late to lose my opportunity, but I love it. Wow. Yeah.

Over and over. Yeah. Carl Sagan sex. Mm-hmm. Dude. Yeah. Albert Einstein Felacio. Yeah.

I'm trying to think of wordplay. I can't grab any of it with Einstein or Sagan. Yeah. Sex and something different. Sagan. Sagan. Sagan. sucking

Imagine fucking Imagine sucking off Sagan and Saganah. Oh wow That's pretty good It's not bad It's got three Sucking off help it

Yeah Yeah So a golf course Yeah Later I pissed in a In that hole in the cup Walking by I was like

I've never pissed on a green So I pissed right in the cup But we got caught fucking No We were done And then we saw a light on us But it was like There was a little lake

Separating us So a golf cart Went by and shut What do you guys doing i was like don't move don't act like we're just wearing shorts but our pants were down oh that's got to be terrifying you're in the middle of sex and arnold palmer shows up yeah dude just when you need something refreshing but not in that way yeah wait what what what it who caught you like a security guard a greens keeper a greens keeper yeah something like that he was patrolling on one of those golf

carts that have like the the tow truck in the back you know for like mulch and such yeah Is that a weird job on student parent day? Greenskeeper? Yeah, like, folks, here's Billy's father. Hi, I'm a greenskeeper. Hi, I didn't study when I was your age. Yeah. So I do this now.

Yeah. Yeah. Green's keepers, the weirdest job title I've ever heard. What if you call it sick? Everything turns brown? Yeah. No, that's going to stay green. It's going to keep.

Your jobs involves a color. I wonder if there's green. Are there any other jobs like that? You can keep a color. The night watchman. Night watchman. No, that's not a color. I wonder if you were a greenskeeper in Greenland.

You'd be overwhelmed by all the geography and just have a stroke instantly. What if you're jealous of that job? You're feeling really green. Oh, wow. Or if you're new to it. You're green. Yeah. What's the jealousy color?

Green? Is that green too? No is green. There's a jealousy color. What is that? Green with envy. Oh, yeah, that's right. Yeah, good guy.

I'm green with envy about this green greenskeeper in Greenland. Whoa, guy. Ever get the feeling you're being watched online? It's not paranoia. It's data brokers. These companies collect your personal information, including your browsing habits, where you live, and even who you're related to.

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That's A-U-R-A-com slash C-O-N-T-R-O-L for your free trial. That's Aura.com slash control. Oh, yeah. Introduce what you just said as a mystery show. show on NBC. Tonight on NBC. John Smith, in a job he thought he'd never take.

He always wanted it. He was untrained. He was Green with Envy. About not knowing what he's doing, taken care of in a two-week period in Greenland. Green with Envy. As a Greenskeeper in Greenland.

John Smith said, in green green green green dude did you hear the other music sting like you how did you do that it helps out of this road player i want a party on your face god you just compose all that with your knee dude i got shy i just want a party all over your face dude is that possible i'll let you i'll let you can i party on your face yeah yeah let's go to one of those tents in tent city and say hey get five dollars beat it we got something who do oh dude beat her for a while turn on the hot plate and let's

Let's let us just do what we got to do. No, no, no, leave the jar of piss. We might need it. Yeah. Dude. I want to party on your face. Who says that? You got to start saying that.

Oh, I want to tell. I'm going to say that to that chick. I want to party to your face. Hey, I want to party on your face. Hey, my buddy Harlan Wilm told me something. And she's like, what? I'm like, anyway, regardless of that, I want to party in your face. Oh, I really do.

I don't party a lot, but I don't party a lot. dude I sit here about four feet away from you keep it on you I want to lock right in your face your butt this nose what your butt this nose no so you what you do is you start backwards your legs are over that way right you're facing that way and then you get it on that and then you turn and shifted in now you're facing forward dude yeah I was joking oh I mean yeah yeah sister where those that goes assist Do you try, you like to travel. I remember when I was talking to you in New York.

You said you like to travel with your lady, right? I do. I love going everywhere. Went to Ecuador for a while with her. I was crazy how much I connected with you. You came to do my podcast, the UBitripping podcast, and you're staring at this map. It draws the eye. Any map draws the eye, right?

And it was like, you've been anywhere? And you just go, yeah, everywhere. Yeah. I was like, what do you mean? I didn't realize how much you were into it. Oh, yeah. You might be on the Mount Rushmore of comedian travelers. Yeah.

I think you are, to be honest. I've been all over. Underrated, nobody knows about it. Nobody knows that side of you. Yeah. There's a lot of sides people don't know. Yeah, I thought you were just like a road trip guy from that old claimation show. I'm an octagon.

I got a lot of sides, my guy. So, yeah, you're like a Dungeons and Dragons rolling dice. Thank you. Die. I had someone finally said it. Yeah. What? Yeah, I do love to travel.

What is it in you, though, that likes to travel? What's the gypsy spirit in you? Where does that come from? I like being uncomfortable. I guess my dad did it. My dad came to America. From where? Born in Romania, left unwillingly after the Romanian army did not do a great job of defending

their borders against the Germans. And then he had to leave. And then lived in Israel, grew up the rest of the way in Israel. Were you born in Israel? No, I was born in New York, little Israel. Yeah. Yeah. I'll get you a great deal on some electronics.

You will? Yeah, if you need it. My prices are insane. Like, what could I get? DVD player, VHS player, prices are slashed. I'll take a VHS player. Yeah, we can get a VHS of slash playing it right now.

The guy from Guns and Roses? Yeah, we'll slash those prices too. Dude, let's party. I got Kevin Costner's Dragonfly on VHS. Oh. Yeah, Blu-ray, and it's a VHS Blu-ray. You ever have a period where you're like, I've got to digitize these VHSs.

Yeah. It's a short period where you had to digitize them before you realize or everything's just available for download. It's all gone, yeah. I had all my Simpsons. I'd record everyone, every night. It would come on. And then they're like,

you just buy a box at, fuck. My life was in vain. And remember you had that feature on your VHS where you could drag a two-hour tape into nine hours? Six or nine, yeah, yeah. And then all your shows that looked like you were watching them

through saran wrap. They were just like... Yeah, they're so faded and thin. Yeah, I love to travel. I like being uncomfortable. I like seeing new cultures. You just mean outside of your box, right? Yeah, outside of my box, trying to figure out what to do.

Like, oh, you can't get water in this country. You've got to wait until you hear the speakers in South America screaming something. You go out there and you're like, oh, that's propane speakers. You got to know which song's which to run out with your water. It's fun learning it. Are you, do you gravitate towards like the people side of travel, like cities? Or you a nature guy where you like to get away from the city and see the natural? surroundings. Okay. I like the natural surroundings for sure. And there's some like untapped stuff in places.

Yeah. Even out here, this is Hong Kong. This is like south of Hong Kong. The business is this massive swathed jungle. Yeah. And like it's just, no one goes. No one goes hiking in other countries. But you do? Yeah, I love it. Any cray cray experiences? Australia and just alone. Yeah, in Australia, I was hiking with some guy met that we just fell as kangaroo. It's like nine feet tall. And you just don't know if they're like dangerous or anything. Oh yeah. The big red. they call the big reds they got the big chest yeah yeah and so you're standing like huge and he just looks at yeah and like doesn't move off the path yeah they're badasses they've they've got like these big peck muscles and just the natural form of their arms are kind of like yeah it looks like a real guido

yeah let's go yeah doing rails with that guy yeah wow so wait a minute you were on a trail on a trail south of melbourne and you just come across this big red all by himself yeah it's frightening everything's frightening and then and then you're like standing for an hour like how do we get past this guy and then some local walks up past you a hour later and he goes how you guys doing we're like good he just like he just like walks right by it he wasn't scared no they're like as long as you don't fuck with him get too close i'm like you got right next to it what do you mean not too close should you really be scared of something where their only real natural kind of gift is jumping yeah i mean you could be scared if you're defending one then you don't want to get dunked on

you don't get posterized okay yeah that you should be scared of yeah dunked yeah wow Wow. How high can these suckers jump? I assume they can dunk. They can jump over fences easily. Yeah, they can dunk. Yeah. There's little short arms, though.

Yeah. They need really long arms. They need long arms. They're like the hairy velociraptors almost. Because they had little tiny arms. Velociraptors. Yeah, they did. They couldn't dunk either.

Yeah. Or defend themselves. Who knows? Because it was so long ago, who has any proof? Who really knows? Who if they came back to life right now and be like, Hey, no, we had real arms. That was another dinosaur, which was chicken arms.

And what's with fossils, right? You know, you see the father, like Velociraptors, like, I always think fast forward to when we become fossilized, like three million years from now, some anthropologist or archaeologist, you know, uncovered some human. And there's like a pose of us bowling. Yeah, just like playing Xbox.

Yeah. Like they all sat and went like this, looking. Yeah. And how would they interpret it? Like here's us. with a big mac how would they interpret our fossils yeah because our bones also wouldn't show obesity yeah right yeah they were all so slim they were so slim so bony yeah you just got like a guy you know with a fossilized can of pringles like yeah twinkie that still survived or what if they

what if they found a fossilized like you know like the pompeo thing where someone was having sex and like fossilized sexual positions yeah this guy couldn't come he was on what's known as Andy in some countries or Mali and others. Have you ever found a fossil? You look like you have? If not. Have you? I mean, I've never gone fosceling, though.

I've found a few. Oh, yeah? Yeah. Where is it? I found a rock with a bunch of fossilized shells in it. I think you told me about that on the podcast. Did I? I think you did.

Yeah. So, Easter Island? Oh, I did go to Easter Island. I didn't find fossils there. Didn't you found something somewhere. I'm trying to remember. vague memory. It wasn't even that long ago.

Easter Island. Yeah, I went to Easter Island. You got those? These are, these, these, they do look like Easter Island guys, yeah. Hey, everybody, how would you like your very own personal video message from me, yours truly? It's your birthday, it's your anniversary, it's your graduation, or you just want me to make you laugh. You get to pick the topic. You want me to discuss.

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They got great hiking there too. I like starting in cities, getting comfortable because I can compare that to New York. Even though it's hustle, bustle. I was in Myanmar. Yangon and I saw it was like in the like a hostel the first day I'm on a balcony eating their little free breakfast and I see a lady lowering down a bucket from like an eighth floor of a rickety building some guy put something in there pulls it back up drops some change drops it back down eight floors I'm just like what is this town on what

was that just that's how she wanted go down and get food oh so he's just dropping in food she's paying for it and just pulling up in a bucket on a string wow yeah it's just cool and then you were always like wow damn we have like uber eats yeah it's a lot easier i wonder for some reason i just went to like you know synchronicity is a big part of my game here at the harland highway real synchronicity guy please and you talked about someone lowering a bucket this isn't funny this isn't even relevant but i want you to know how i think okay you're the brain of a synchronisidor I just pictured someone lowering a bucket. Someone walking, you said food,

someone walking up inserting a bucket of Kentucky fried chicken. Wow. A bucket in a bucket. Bucket in a bucket. And I think it's just something about the smoothness. It would go right in. It would feel great or feel rewarding almost like. Right.

And you're using up all the space. It's really feng shui. It's almost like pulling up a bucket of feng shui. Yeah. And hopefully the motion of pulling it up doesn't push to bucket it. You ever have a stack of cups and you can't get one off

because they're too stacked on to each other? There's no extra space. It's like a suction. I would never masturbate a cup. Yeah, she's in there. Any on your journeys, any danger zones with humans, robbed, mugged, attacked, theft,

chased in danger? because I think that's one of the biggest fears of people, especially people don't realize, I guess they do, but coming to America, a lot of people come to the U.S., go, hey, Disneyland, and then murdered. Murdered, yeah. You hear these stories like tourists who never go home. Remember that chick who died in the water tank,

and I think it was Chinatown here in L.A. Oh, really? They couldn't find her. They thought she was murdered. They were Manhunt. Oh, they did that whole documentary about that, that weird hotel. Yeah, and she went up there for a cigarette

and then looked in and then fell in. There's no way to get out. Oh, God. waited water for a while. Then it's like, oh, boy, like a fucking frog and ice cream. Oh, what a way to die. Yeah, you got to curdle it.

You've got to curdle that milk. It's your only way out. But with water, you don't do that. Oh, what a way to die. But anything with you? Every time I thought I was in danger, it was imagined danger. Oh, good.

So you never had any, like, there was a time, because they told me I had a half brothers in the captain of the army, and I was told him he was going to East Timor, and he goes, that's not a safe place. He goes all over. And he goes, all right, If you're going to go, don't go any east of the capital of Dilley.

And I went all the way east. I was like, I don't know, that seems fine. It's weird, right? When you hear, don't do this, you do it. Oh, it's all you want to do. I did that on the Great Barrier Reef. I was swimming. We went out on this thing to these remote islands.

And I think there's about 12 of us. And the captain of the boat says, swim here, swim here. Don't go over there. There's sharks. and Dimble Dorff Dumble Bumps Yes who fucking motors over And I'm thinking I just get excited

And I'm floating I'll be the only one there Yeah And I'm snorkeling So I'm not down I'm on the surface And I'm sort of looking ahead Where you know

When you're snorkeling The water eventually fades to black right And then all of a sudden I just happen to be looking forward And out of the black I just see You know all these sharks swim Uh huh

Like coming raiding at me like about a nine foot shark and I just froze on top of the water it swam directly under me about 15 feet like if I could drop something it would land right on its back and I went right under me and I would just and then as soon as it was gone I was like I was like Tarzan like just motored back to the boat kicking up a location device by the way yeah oh I had that once in Alaska I was in the just oh here we go at the beginning of the thought of it. And there's this hole in anchorage. It's this whole, like, it's like mud, but it gets frozen.

So there's occasional boats. They don't bring in enough. And now it's like turned side. It's just frozen in mud so it can't sing. So I'm like walking out there. And the signs are like, don't walk out there. But I tested it. And I'm like, no, it's still pretty frozen.

On the mud. Yeah. But frozen. Yeah. So it's in the sound, you know. You can't sink. It's frozen. Yeah.

So I'm walking out there and I get pretty far out there, 100 yards or so. And I just hear like a like, like, and then I look back in a big second. just falls in. Whoa. Yeah. And I was like, ah,

it hit me. Like, when those signs are like, don't go there, it's not about trespassing. It's about like, hey, you're just going to die.

You're going to die. Yeah, if you sink in this, just we can't get you. Holy, were you just terrified? It's terrified. Because it's realized,

like, I've gone too far. Just like that shark, like, oh shit, I shouldn't be here. Yeah. There's no safety valves here. There's no,

there's nothing. I'm, I'm fucking on my own and I got a very careful walk back. But not only that is, It sounds like the way out. Yeah, it was taken. Yeah.

So how did you get back? I had to walk out to the left and then try to like slowly. And every step was like kind of testing it. But like if it goes, I'm just in this down in this water gone. That's terrifying. And then you finally get back to concrete and it's just like, oh, fuck. Yeah. But then like, nice.

Nobody else went out there. Nobody else went with the sharks. Yeah. I did that in Banff once. I was living out in Banff and the Rock. Rocky mountains. Love that place. And I didn't really, you know, living out there.

Yeah, when you're young, you're kind of like, oh, mountains, let's climb them. And so I came to this like, this like vertical like side of the mountain. I was like, oh, I can probably get up part of that. So, you know, you start climbing up thinking climbing up is the hard part. It's getting down. But it's not. You get up there. And I'm literally grabbing little ledges to get up.

And I probably got up about like 70, 80 feet, which is quite high when you got no net. And I'm up there, and I'm like, oh, look at the view. And then I'm thinking, okay, time to go down. And I realize maneuvering these little ledges going down is a whole different thing. Because now gravity's pulling on your weight. And you can't see where you're stepping. You can't see and you don't know where. And I was terrified.

I actually sat up there for about 20 minutes, just locked in fear going, I don't think I can get down. And then I finally sort of did a Spider-Man and got down. But it's like what happened to you. You don't think you go one way. And then you're locked in. And you're like, oh, there's no way back. Yeah.

Yeah. And it's something out of your range. You're like, I can't bail on this. Just you're in it. Yeah. But you just got to figure it out. We did that at, who's the guy in Columbia that killed a bunch of people, but also everybody loved the drug, drug guy?

Oh. Cartel guy. Oh, what's the guy's name? The guy from Fantasy Island, Hervey Village has? I don't, it might be him. I think more violent than Hervey. Okay. Less and less little people.

Yeah. How violent can you be when you're two and a half feet tall? Yeah. Let's kick some ass. I mean, per capita violence could be real high. Yeah. Castro, not Castro, the Colombian one. Oh, Chapo.

El Chapo? No, no, no. The original, the original one. El Succo? And he was in a prison. They did a Netflix show about him. Oh. Might have been El Succo, but I don't think it was.

Senor prisoner? I'm just guessing now, guy. I think if you put the O on it, it can be pretty much passed. Yeah, it's right. L behind Barzo? That guy? Yeah, Narcos. It was what Narcos was based on.

Oh, El Druglordio. Oh, drug lordio, yeah. Druglordio, interesting. Oh, you really made them upscale on that. Yeah, so there's a hike right by there. Same thing, we're going down trying to find, and then like a little piece of grass, like, falls. And I was hanging on, like, by my elbow.

Dude. Just like a drop on this route. It's heavy root. You're not on a root. They're like trying to find something else. Wow. It's that same shit. And the people I'm hiking with are like in my language class were like, whoa,

and I'm like, help me. So they'd like help me up. Wait, they're in a language class and all they had was whoa, whoa. I mean, they couldn't even articulate real words. I mean, you're in a language class guy. How about, how are you doing up there? You look like you're in peril. Can we come up and assist in any way?

Como sta, hour? Oh, it was. It was a Spanish language class. They were from Denver. We're Americans learning Spanish. We were beginners. Oh, so El Turusto's language you're learningos. Tourista Kamui.

Well, thanks. I'm straight. Okay. That nose is still open. A little nose chair. You talk about your nose in your act a lot. Sometimes. You got a nice, interesting one.

I got a French-Canadian nose, yeah. I got a little bump. You can run for prime minister. Or run from the prime minister. Creep. but you were you were in israel i wanted to ask about the jewish is it faith or religion it's because jewish judism isn't a religion officially is it i think it is or is it a faith what what is faith made faith no more well i i feel like i've heard someone say that

the jewish faith jewish isn't a actual religion they say it's not a race it's a religion or they say it's not a religion it's a race so you don't know because you're jewish right What's a faith is belief, isn't it? The Jewish faith. Yeah, I've said that before. Yeah, I'm Jewish, but I don't have much faith. Huh. Do you have a hill?

To die on? No, a faith hill. No more. I used to have a hill. I used to have a faith hill. I have faith no more. I want to ask about, I think they're called the Hist. How dare you?

Okay, you got some applause. All right. I want to ask about the Hasidic Jews, the guys with the curly fries, as Pat calls them, is Pat calls them? Yeah, is that, do they, because they're always twisty. Yeah. So do those men, it's men, so do those men have curling irons to do that? Do you want the real answer?

I really do. It's a mystery to me. Okay, it's long hair. Yeah. And while you're sitting there studying the Talmud all day, you're fidgety. And so you take that hair and you just kind of go like this. You ever have one of those funny mustachees and you're always like twirling it? Yeah, the railway villain.

Yeah, because it doesn't start like that. You've got to twist it. And the more you twist it, the more it goes up. They keep twisting them as they're like learning, just like fidgeting and like learning. It twists. No way. It goes like that, like a curly fry that you could put in the bottom of your shoe, just skate down hills in the winter.

Toboggin. Yeah, it's a bogg. Oh, so they're like sort of like the Greek people with the worry beads. The Greeks, the Greeks and the Mediterranean, they have these little beads. they hold and they're not worried beat. That must be it. They're doing this. See, I learned something new today.

I had no idea. Yeah. Also, if you want to put it away, you wrap it around your ear. Wow. And then when it's time to pull out, you just, you just like, and then fidget. Wow, you do it full like Princess Leia. I had, when I was religious, I had enough to go under and then over a little bit. You were religious?

Yeah. So you had those? I had them, yeah. We'll starter curls. So you're a sitting? Oh, my God. Are you okay? Oh, wow.

yeah so you can stick it back on you get so excited about your curls god look at god saying don't talk about this wow that's a sign he was like move on they can't know this what are they for those things though i've always wondered they're for they're too um they're there too okay so there's five corners of your beard you can't cut with a razor with you're jewish yeah okay so since you're you can stick that back on you want it's just a clamp oh there i don't know why it came off there we go there we go buddy it's a little tender about this there you go almost lost it there that was pretty good you improvised real good you had like an over-the-shoulder boulder holder going yeah it's like a one of those uh squirrel squirrel hats you have.

You've got to throw the... Yeah. So what are they for? Five corners of the beard. Okay. Oh, here we go. Boom, boom. Yeah.

Boom, boom. Back of the jaw and there. You can't cut that with a razor. You can cut it with scissors. You're allowed to cut it with scissors. What? Yeah, it's not a razor. But you can't do it with like open up a scissors and then like scrape it.

You can't do that. So once you hit three, I think, maybe I think at three years old. Before three, you can get hair cut. Then after that, no. And then after that, no. then you can't touch it with anybody, so then it starts to grow. Oh, wow. And so the custom became, just on that one, right at the top of that ear, you let that go for a while.

And this, you can, like, just cut with a whatever. But the custom became, let that grow forever. What are those called in the religion? Paius. Payus. Paiot. Paius. Paius is the Yiddish plural. The Hebrew plural is peyote.

Pais? Yeah. What does that mean? Pius. Pius. Yeah. Pius. Yeah.

Pay us the writer. Get out. Yeah. We never wanted blacks in this neighborhood anyway. That's what they say. Yeah. That's what they say. Wow. And are the Hasidic Jews?

I've heard this before. Correct me if I'm wrong. Yeah. But are they sort of like outliers in the Jewish community? Like I've heard that they're sort of like the... They're not normal. Like what's... They're very religious.

So they really go by letter of the law. But then they do custom stuff too that not a right does. Right. Because it's just there, they have different sects. Wow. And so there's the Boston, like, Rebbe is all this, like, people that moved to Boston, they started a whole thing. Labavich shows from this, like, small town, Lubavich in, like, I don't know, Poland or something.

Okay. They're, like, the big ones. And then, like, Sotmer is another city that was based on. So it was the Sotman. There's the one guy who led the community in Sotmer. And he just sort of started the whole look. Yeah, and they get the high socks. Yeah, they got the high socks.

The Lovibovish don't get the high socks. It's so interesting. interesting to me. Yeah, and it's such a look. Uh-huh, you get this black hat normally, but when you get married, that's when you buy the dead animal hat. Yeah, it's a big furry hat.

Yeah, so that's just custom. What kind of fur is that? Do we know? I think it's like beaver or something. It's a good looking fur. Yeah, hipsters would get into that. It's a solid, like a nice looking fur. Not that I like fur stuff,

but it's like, you know. Yeah, when they travel with them, they have hard boxes to keep them in so they don't get fucked up. Okay, so. And they keep them on their heads. And then when they dance, like this the hat stays dead in place like tiger woods upper body during a yeah lower body during a swing yeah yeah just like doesn't move wow

this they kick it up with that hat stay right there when they're coming in out of tunnel holes too it's like the the british guard they have the black bear hats it's almost the same i'd like to see a Hasidic jew and a British guard like making out it would look like a animal fight yeah would like two bears fighting yeah a bear versus a giraffe bear a mink and a bear a bobcat and a bear just tumbling yeah um do you mind me asking questions about no i love remembering answers because i always wondered this was always a bit of a mystery to me because they said jesus was jewish yeah but yet the jews deny the is it the existence of jesus they reject they reject jesus in what way they say false prophet there were a lot of false

prophets a lot of guys go on the messiah it's like all right let's test it because they wanted the Messiah to come. It's like those people were researching like aliens. Yeah. People are like, you're covering everything up. And they're like, we would love to, we've got a lot more money if we could prove one. Right. We're not just going to say a random radio signals an alien. So same thing. They were like, they want the Messiah. So when anyone has like a lot of followers, like this, maybe this is the guy. And so there's a like a whole judge, like a bunch of judges and they say like, well, this guy's qualifications. Maybe he'll

be the guy. But there's one thing about like, you know, Tom, Arnold, you know, turning Jewish to marry Rosanne. Yeah, it's so crazy. You might want to reject that, but is there any sense to rejecting the son of the Lord that created everything and saying, hey, he's not ours, and yet history says, look, we're giving you, we're giving you the, he's a Jew.

Yeah, we took Sammy Davis. Yeah. Why not take Jesus? Why not have that guy on your team? That's what confuses me. No, they say he's a Jew. Right. He's just not the Messiah.

Well, why won't you just roll with that? I say roll with it. Everything's more popular. Everything's imaging nowadays. You ever get a laugh on stage and you didn't intend it? Yeah, every night. I'll take that one. Yeah.

I'll let you believe what you heard. Yeah, I'll take the son of the creator. Yeah, I did it last night. I was on stage. Don Barris was screaming in the back. Yeah. And somebody just brought up mass deportations. And he was going, get back here.

Hey, you, get back here. And I didn't even, it wasn't my intention. I was like, anyway, so mass deportations. And then I was like, oh, you mean, that's what I'm like yeah right that's what I met he's rounding them up I definitely meant that it wasn't just a coincidence yeah oh those are good and you just got to kind of play them off play like yeah at first it takes a second and then you like I see what you saw yeah and then you kind of absorb it because you they think you're kind of a genius for doing it so you just go you just

kind of I'll take that one yeah but that's what I mean why you missed three of my other ones yeah I'll take that one why not just let Jesus in why not just let him why the rejection like Here's a guy that can walk across water. Yeah. I might want that guy on your team. I mean, it's a superpower. Listen, you got Shaq and his prime. Take him.

That's what I'm saying, guy. Let me talk to those Jews. They're too busy fucking cooling everything off this week. But I say we talked to him about letting Jesus back in. And it ain't too late. He's not dead, dead. Ragging rights, guy. Yeah.

Like, yeah. Oh, what do you guys got? Jesus? Oh, actually, you don't. That's hers. Yeah. That's like if Michael Jordan's your dad and you say, Oh, no, that's not my dad.

You want to play ball? Yeah. And by the way, Jesus is a carpenter. I mean, there's only so many ways you can whack together a bookshelf. Don't you want to maybe walk around and say I'm a magician or an illusionist? Something cooler. Milk it's like, come on, Karen. Get in here.

Karen Carpenter, yeah. Like he can turn water in the line. It kind of really was the original Karen Carpenter, just screaming about everything is not done right. Yeah, yeah. And he was flat as a board, too. Dude, you know, they have tits. Yeah, and erects like Karen. Yeah.

No offense, Karen. I know. Sorry. Rest in peace. It's weird as a carpenter. You die on a wooden structure. Are you up there on the nails going, oh, who put this together? I can see the bolts.

You want to do this from the back, not the front. Not's getting in my back. You're dying moments and you're sort of assessing the craftsmanship. Yeah. Oh, it's got to be tough. but I would have just gone with the David Copperfield angle. Like, hey, yeah, I'm the son of God. Do you want to see a cow disappear?

Versus, yeah, I'm the son of the Lord. Do you need a new coffee table? Like, milk it a little, Jesus. And then you use that ability. Now, do you think he did that with the carpentering? Where he goes, what do you need? A bookshelf right over there? Okay, hey, what's that?

It's there. Wow, yeah. Put a little dust on your hand and like, oh, I did it. Jesus, please help us. We need a wall unit. Hey, what's that? A bird? Oh, but there's no place for the TV in there. We don't have a wall either.

We got a wall unit. Jesus made walls where there were no walls. Say that again? Jesus made walls where there were no walls. Can you do that as a TV show, please? One man. No walls. A journey.

Not many could take, but one heard the calling. Jesus. Bartholomew Christ in the Wallmaker. That music really gets it, dude. It really ties it together. You really ties it. You need that following you at all times. Dude, and you got me with the twisty twirls.

I didn't know that the twist ties were, like, because of that. I have them now. It's such a fidget spinner. And now I learned Jesus' middle name was Bartholomew. Yeah. Bart. Somebody goes by Bart for short. JBC.

Yeah. that's why jb smooth was named that he was like the smoothest jb was jb christ wow so he's kind of like like that he's giving it up for the lord would you as an individual without you know i know you got to run with the pack when you're part of a religion would you accept jesus as part of your crew or is he still an outlier no but we razz him and stuff imagine how much you're be like well you're gonna like you gotta go through the you know you got we got to get jump jumped in, Jesus. What do you mean?

Like initiation? Initiation. Oh, what's that look like? You got to follow somebody home if they don't have their headlights on. You don't put your headlights on. Then if they flash you, follow them home. Don't do anything to them, but like just follow them until they're scared of you. And then you get out there, some weirdo with a crown of thorns, blood coming down, robe.

It's like, hi, hi, hi, hi. Like, we don't want any trouble. It's like, do you want to see the Lord? Do you want to see heaven forever? And they're like, dude, I don't want any trouble. Like, you don't want to live in eternity for heaven? And then we'll take God. He's Jesus.

He can actually get you there. But not, no, no, no, no, no, no, come on. And then he's in. Then he's in the crew. I'm almost picturing you doing a drive-by with Jesus Bartholomew Christ. How great would it be? And just like, how about anyone who's driving with an, I'm following Christ? Yeah, yeah.

Honk if you love Jesus. No, you're not. Because he's back here. Yeah. So who you're following? Yeah. Honk if you love Jesus. Yeah.

Yeah. Put that out of your bumper. You do a drive-by with the Lord, too. He could just do like a finger gun on a bullet would. probably come out. Appear in your head. Yeah. Because he's a miracle worker.

Dude. Yeah, Jesus ruled. We should, hey, note, anyone who knows the Jews, let's like redo that. There's a mistake. Right? Yeah. I think the Jews, I don't know, I don't want to offend, but it seems like. It's an amendment to the Constitution.

Like, yeah, like you got God. Yeah. Who's next in line to God? The son of God. And who's that ghost? Why don't they talk about the ghost more? The Holy Ghost? Yeah.

Yeah. And what other ghosts are there that you would have to put that qualifier on it? Yeah. The father's son and the ghost. Wait. Which of the God? Father son and the Holy Ghost. Oh, yeah, yeah, Bob.

Yeah. And could the Holy Ghost walk through drywall, do you know? He couldn't walk on water, but he could walk through drywall. Dry wall because he's a ghost. And that's how he made walls where there were no walls. The Holy Ghost was the one holding up it. Where there was no wall, that's when the Holy Ghost was. carrying you.

Wow. And there was no set of walls. I wonder if the Holy Ghost said boo. I think Jesus said boo when he realized there was another kid coming. Another kid. He was like the only child. And then he was like, oh, boo. I got this holy ghost too.

He was like, no, I got less attention. Yeah. And the whole goes like, boo, and that's how it started. Wow. Yeah. I didn't know you were such a historian, my guy. Can't spell history without Ari. Wow.

Orie and without Ari. Whoa. Nice. Let's get down to our final segment, Ari. What a treat it's been to have here. This is words from a wooden shoe. Okay. Is it all clogged up with words?

It's got words. You reach inside. You grab a word and see if it triggers a moment from your journey, someone you met, somewhere you went. Whatever kind of comes to mind. Yeah, it's hard to get in there. It is all clogged up. It's clogged.

It's a cloggy. Dutch cloggy. Wow, arthritis willie. I feel like, God, what are you trying to wear it? This guy. Flash Gordon trying to test this drink. Someone's got a foot fetish. All right, what do you got?

What's your word? It's just blank. No, flip it. Flip it over, my guy. No, the other way. Oh. Flip it. Oh, I see.

Yeah, there you go. Yeah. What's the word? It's two words. Okay. Is that normal for these? Yeah. How normal?

Like what percentage is the double words like that? Probably 40, 60. Oh, okay. It's bad cooks. Okay. Yeah. You ever met Dane? I'm thinking of another one from the Cook Islands.

Oh, wow. Yeah, he was a cook. Discovered the Cook Islands. Killed everybody. He is an admiral in the British Navy. But what's your experience with a bad cook? what that's what it is. Oh,

something that relates to your journey. Yeah, wait, sidebar, what's the thing called when it's like first word that comes to your mind?

What's that called? Retarded? Yeah. Bad cooks. What's my journey with bad cooks? Like if you ever had a run-in with a shitty meal or you had a friend

that was a cook who thought he was a shit? I don't know. Any run-in with a bad cook? Take your time, guy. If I'm here until tomorrow,

the sun go down and come back up. time. Let it marinate. Let it simmer. Let it boil around in your brain. See if you can cook up a story.

A story about bad cooks. Ever been to a restaurant and got food poisoning? Oh, did you see how you did it again? Right on that thing. As soon as you said food, ding. Hold on. I'm going to play that back.

Food poisoning. And go. Yeah, I was in. Here we go. Cuba. It's pronounced Cuba. Cuba Gooding Jr. No thanks.

But it wasn't that gooding. It was batting. Okay. Batting practice for us. Whoa. For going to get something to eat. Wally, words. First, we just got a snack.

Yeah. Yeah. We got a snack for batting practice. go to get something better than bad, bad in Cuba. Yeah, yeah, we got a meal on a street food stuff. Okay, in Cuba. Yeah, it was like some kind of meat on a stick, but then it was like, I don't know what it was.

Sometimes you go out, pumice, and you're just like, I'll just get one of those. And they wrapped it in some doughy thing. Yeah, and you feel secure because it's local. So you go, oh, I guess that's what they eat here. And meanwhile, the locals are behind a blueberry bush going, like, no, no, he's eating it. Yeah.

No, locals were eating it, but I think they just built up a tolerance or something. Bobby wouldn't eat it. Bobby wouldn't eat it. It was like some sort of tortilla, not a tortilla, but it was more thick. And then they took this meat, but I mean, the conditions couldn't have been great with, like, storing the meat. Yeah. Anyway, Bobby wasn't that adventurous, and I was. And you ate it?

I did. Oh, boy, I hope you had a can of Coke Zero with you. An hour later, I was like, I'm fine. And he goes, damn, I should have eaten. I'm like, you should have, dude. You've got to be more adventurous than these days. an hour after that was the beginning of a three-hour session

Coke zero Coke zero yeah I made it back to the place we were staying but it was just constant runs God it was good though he was a good cook the ingredients were bad

right the ingredients of storage is bad but it was delicious is it one of those things where it's so delicious I might try it again yeah I might try it again and hope I don't get the run

it was so good that I've ever done that give this another go. Right. Yeah, we're like, it couldn't have been that. Maybe it was some other thing I ate that day.

And did you? Not that one. Okay. I've done that before, though. I had like 12 quail eggs in, in Myanmar. They were so good. They're little cracked

in little tins. Wait, what? I got violently ill, but I was like, maybe it was those fucking beady cigarettes that I bought there. You had little quail eggs?

Yeah. What do you mean in a tin? They crack them in like a little, you know, like the tin with little holes in it for like making a cupcakes. Yeah. Yeah, so it was like that, but real small little holes like that.

And they just crack them and, like, fry them a little bit so the yolk is still like runny. Oh, a drop of soy sauce on there. And then you just like, eat it. I'm like, so good. And you got sick? I eat 12. I suppose he'd be one or two. Violently ill.

Shitting and barking in a squat toilet in Myanmar. Oh, all right. Trying to sleep. Oh, dude. But they're just tiny little quail. Yeah, that's why I'm like, I think. I couldn't be that. You got to eat 12.

It couldn't be that. It was like it must have been something else I did. Yeah. So I tried him again. And? Sick again. No. Yeah.

So you did try it again? Yeah, I narrowed it down though for science. It wasn't the beady cigarettes. So you did 24 eggs. I didn't take 12 the next time. I was cautious. I probably ate 8. So 20.

And you know it only takes one. It probably takes one. I love the logic. They don't wash it out at all. Yeah. Yeah. wow bad cook

we had we did a we did a gravity bong there in cuba and it was like even the guy was saying was like don't take the water at all like it's not safe and he filled up a sink with water and we did a gravity bong you know gravity bong yeah bottom out of bottom of a of a you know a two liter yeah and I did it and I sucked in and by the end of the suck in

all the water went boom right into my throat right in my mouth it was like and I just I mean it didn't go down my throat it was so fucking disgusting though during a hurricane just done just like I wanted like I'll just swallow this I'm like I know better now no I just watching out washing out washing out got ripped though got high but did you were you sick for no not that I got I was I was careful there oh man I'd already had the diarrhea two days earlier and I'm like I'm not touching the water yeah it's funny we bookended this show with like two diarrhea bombs

Yeah. Like we opened with the Ria. We opened with the Daya and we closed with the Ria. This is two diarrhea. What's the plural diarrhea? Diaries. Diaries. What would be diarrhea?

What would be diarrhea? These two diaries walk into a bar. What do? Well, they can't walk. They slide. They slide into a bar. Yeah. They go, this place stinks and then they leave.

And everyone's like, yeah. Do you want to, as a final capper, do like a, announce NBC's new cop show the two diaries just so the folks can watch it yeah oh so this is a drama okay yeah a town has gone to pot no anyway a town has gone to shit two men could clean it up they weren't locked down by the rules of society they were spreading justice all over this dirty town the two diaries Runny and Runno Coming

at 8.30 p.m. on Tuesdays. There's the thing again. You always get it. That thing rules. You're a magic man. What is that? What is that instrument? It's not that. It's you, magic man.

I'd watch that show. The diarrhea. Who's the guy from homicide that's always in everything? A really good actor. Oh, diarrhea, Jim. Yeah, Diary of Jim. He'd be great for this.

If he didn't get an on He got a fire raging after that. Yeah, and his side quick squirty McJumbo-Tron. Squirty is. Always the comedic release. Ari, tell the folks, by the way, first of all, thank you for being here, buddy. So good to have you. And will you tell the folks all about where they can see your comedy tour, your special, your podcast, everything?

Yeah, well, once I leave West Covina, I got to get back on the highway and I got them back on tour. Yeah. I got the farewell tour now, tickets at Rory Spear.com. coming everywhere, and I got a new special out right now on Netflix. What's it called? It's called America's Sweetheart. It's a Netflix one? Yeah.

Because you released your own not too long ago. I released my own Jew. Yeah, that's going to be on Netflix later. They liked it so much. Oh, too. Congratulations. Let's play that too. When did the new one come out?

New one came out like January, mid-January. Oh, congrats. Yeah. Oh, that's great. Got a set design that looks like that behind you. Oh, yeah, the sunflowers? Yeah, pretty much a lot of flowers back there. Oh, great.

And tell them about. your fabulous um my podcast it's ubi trip it's a travel podcast where i find people that have been to a crazy place or places yeah usually we cover one country per but you're like i got a different plan and i was like well and then i remember like no i should trust artists to fucking do it where they have a plan okay i'm so glad i over i overruled my thought and was like sure and we did a 30 day trip around the world yeah back of a national geographic yeah that was fun yeah if you want to start I don't want.

That was nominated for a Trippie Award this year. It was? Yeah, for Best Trip. I think it won. I think it won a Trippy Award. I did Trippy Awards. You did? Yeah.

I think you went for Best Tripi, best episode. I think you won two trippies. What? Yeah. Are you kidding? No. I should have told you. Oh my God.

What an honor. Yeah. You get a one-way ticket on, on TWA Airlines to anywhere you want. Is it going to Bakersfield? It can. I'm in. Yeah. A Bakersfield?

I don't know the rest of the. A butcher, a baker of candlestick maker field. Green. But anyway, it's every Monday. It's great. We cover different places all the time. It's a fun travel podcast. We know politics.

Watch it. It's a riot. Yeah, with the pictures you had were great. You were nominated for Best Pictures, too. Good Lord. You were nominated for a Trip you were for Best Pictures. He got a guy in India outside of Taj Mahal with a finger so far up his nose that you thought he was born without a finger. Yeah.

That's the only way he could get it that far in. I mean, it was to the knuckle. Yeah, it was hilarious. scratched the back of his cornea. Yeah. And he had no shame. He was in a public, iconic tourist attraction on front of the Taj Mahal just digging. Digging.

And if you look at the pictures, his kids are just standing around laughing like it's a family of a van. Like it's nothing, excavating his nose. It was hilarious. Wow. Yeah, that was great. That was great. Yeah, I tried to put pictures of people's chips in there and some people have them. Some people don't.

That's great. It was so long ago, too. It's a great grainy black and white. You're like really harkened to a time. Took him with real film, yeah. Oh, that's what it was. Yeah. It was before digital.

And you get, if you're watching that one, there's 100%. I would always say this, stay to the end on that one because it's just like you wrapped it up so well with a. Oh, on my episode? Yeah, with a. Oh, the poem. Oh, yeah. I'm glad you liked it.

Yeah. That was fun, man. Well, Ari, thank you for being here today on the Holland Highway podcast. Folks, that's it for today. Check out Ari's stuff. He's fabulous. And until next time. Hey, there's, where's Waldo?

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