The Harland Highway - ARI SHAFFIR returns and it goes OFF THE RAILS fast! World travel, guinea pig dinners and more!!

Episode Date: June 2, 2026

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free of charge. BetMGM operates pursuant to an operating agreement with Eye Gaming, Ontario. Hey gang, welcome to today's show before we get started. Quick announcement, I want to remind you that my crazy comedy movie wingman is now available on streamers. Apple TV, Amazon Prime, and anywhere else you can find it streaming. My Canadian brothers and sisters, we are delaying the release in Canada for, I think it's another month. It might be the end of June because, believe, or not, we are going to have a little theatrical run-up in Canada. So hopefully you'll get out to the movie theaters and watch Wingman, and then we'll be coming in with the streaming after that. So please support the little movie. I wrote, directed Star In with Kayla Wallace, Russell Peters, Jamie Kennedy, Sheva Nagar, Evan Marsh, Randall Edwards, just a great cast, lots of fun,

great summer movie. So I hope you'll see you'll see. support it and check out Wingman. And now without any further ado do-do, please enjoy today's Harlan Highway podcast. How much is an unborn chicken, a bird feed is egg delight? Pretty cheap, pretty cheap. Did you say cheap? Cheap, cheap. You know, what's more expensive is guinea pig.

Oh, no. A whole cooked guinea pig. And that's like 30 bucks. Bring the beard over. They, oh boy. Good Lord, you ate a guinea pig. Yeah. Let it in, let it marinate, so to speak.

No, hold it. No, no, Harlan, once you quick the seal, it's in your mouth, then let it go. Oh, that's not good. Oh my god, a guinea pig skull. Oh, my God, a guinea pig skull. Shoot. What the hell were you eating?

If you need a podcast, you got laundry to do, you can listen to the Harlan Highway, the Harlan. There's more glasses here. I know, man. I got sunglasses everywhere. You're loony. Since you hate glasses so much, let me get rid of these before there's a bar room brawl. I can punch you now. Over the old days, you wouldn't hit a man with glasses, would you?

Oh, yeah. Now it's like you wouldn't hit a man who's effeminate, would you? Yeah. He wouldn't... Right? You wouldn't hit a coward. Yeah. You wouldn't hit a guy with anxiety and THSD.

This is going to add. Yeah. Anything you could do is going to add to my problems. Yeah. What's another modern day ailment that you... Anxiety. I don't go old school. You wouldn't hit a guy with rickets.

I haven't met one yet. Do you have rickets? I'm like, let me waddle out of here. Let me bow walk out of here. You want to slap a guy with polio around, would you? Buddy, Ari Shafir is here, ladies and gentlemen. I own a wheelchair company. You wouldn't slap a guy with a wheelchair company.

I would. Dude, I have to stop the intro. I will literally, I will like, cruise Home Depot parking lots, Costco and Walmart. Wait till someone pulls into a wheelchair spot and I run up, like I do a running with a canoe paddle and just slap them behind their knees and in their ass. Make them earn it. Yeah.

Now you can park there. Now you can park there. And if you were faking it, I just found you out. And if you weren't faking it, you won't feel it anyway. Yeah. And it just feels good. It's sort of like exercise. Like in a world where I'm.

busy shopping. I don't have time to get to the gym. But if I can do a 60 yard dash across a Walmart parking lot holding a canoe paddle and just swinging it and then wham. Good for yourself, good for the community. And if he knows anything about the JFK assassination, he's talking. Yeah. So now it helps heal. It helps healing. And speaking of healing, what if my irreverent slap like somehow activates some dead nerves? Get something back. And, And they roll in, but they're walking out. When you roll into the depot and walk out of the depot, I call that healing. I call that the Home Depot Jesus effect.

How do you fight that ticket? Right? No, but I rolled in, though. Yeah. I was attacked. It's 80 bucks, dude, but I was, I'm telling you, it was legal when I parked. Yeah, I'll stand there and vouch for them. I commit to the whole bit.

He was. I saw him. Yeah. I was the guy that healed him. Home Depot, Jesus, Christy, they call me. Do you have some flam? I swallowed it. You did?

I'll put it later. How big was it? Oh, there's some more. Wow. That's how I keep my list straight. I'm about to slap you with a canoe. How do you not have Schwaps, dude? Wait, what is Schweps?

What is, is that like sparkling water? I love how you're acting like, you're like, oh, I don't even know who the Shweps is. Wait. What are you turned out to be? I thought you were cool. What a Hollywood phony. You've been here too long. It's not to get back to Toronto, bro.

I love the little backhand. It wasn't the fuck off. It was this. You know the queen wades? You go, hello. You went, fuck off. Almost like a sea turtle. Like going out to sea.

You just laid 700 eggs and you're like, fuck off. Fuck off. And you go to find Nemo. Like, you fuck off immediately. And then immediately go to, find Nemo. That's called a fuck off finding Nemo fuck off.

Wow, dude. Wait, Schweps, just so I'm clear, because now I do feel like a Hollywood asshole. Yeah. Shweps is like Canada dry like sparkling tonic water. Yeah. Or they do ginger ale as well. Oh, so you just want the brand

Schweps. There's a variety of ones. I thought you you wanted the Schweps like sparkling tonic water that they have bars. If you got it, But you, the whole Schwepp's lineup is like ginger beer, ginger ale. What else do they have? Shweps or GtFO. What?

Shweps or get the fuck out of here. Don't you have to do that when you say that? Get the fuck out of here. Wait, why Schweps in particular? Why are you such a, speaking of Hollywood, what a brand whore. Fuck off. Fuck you. What a brand whore.

Hollywood brand war. Triple fuck off. Oh, damn. Full fucking leatherback turtle, the biggest of all the sea turtles. Don't Nemo me. I Nemo you. I need mo you. You don't Nemo me.

No. I don't do it. Wow. Wait, why just Schwaps of all brands? They're the best one? I don't know. It's like the man of the people. The can of the people.

But you act like I would have that. Like how many people you know that have such an obscure brand? Like how many people's have... Everybody's got Schwaps, dude. You go to people's houses and go, give me a Schwaps and they have one? Most of the time? No. Hold on.

You don't say give me a Schwepps. They lead what like a Schweps. Okay, this has got to be like a snob New York thing where you're from. All over the world, dude. This is Hollywood. I go to go to all places, Paris, Buenos Aires. They all have Schweps. These are regular places.

Berlin. These are standard spots. Schweeps heavy. This is Hollywood. In Hollywood fridges, you have your kids placenta and breast milk. You're lucky even get a drink from the cheap wads out here. It is fair. Lucky I even get a drink.

Schwepps. What does that even mean Schwaps? Is that German? Is it Hebrew? It means we take care of you. It means we care about our guests. It's Abraham. Hey, Amber.

Look up what the word Schweps means. I hope it's some old, like, word that means salamander piss or something. And that's on you, God. If you have a guess, it's going to be swept off their feet. Oh, wow.

Whoa. Amber, look that up, please. What is Schweps, the brand Schweps? Is there a meaning behind Schwaps? A historic brand of beverages. Pause, pause, pause, historic. On pause? For it's Schweppervescence.

Shwepervvests. Oh, wow. So I got to give you a word pun to drink. Oh, wow. You love puns, dude. Of course you'd have Shwepervets and drink. Hey, can I get you a bottle of she-cells seashells by the seashore? cool that fucking depressing

heat you're suffering from. God. How about a big glass of Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers? Angry, sipping. Hate road rage ship shripping.

Okay, so we got through the Schweps, but buddy... Let's just, let's put that path behind us. Okay, do we need a moment? Like, do you do the arm thing or do you do, do you meditate? I do sometimes.

Not really, but sometimes. It looks. If I know you that's you holding two joints. Yeah. Yeah. You're like, you're not, oh, you're like, mm-hmm. Yeah, pass it, pass it. Yeah, most people are like, oh, you're like, mm.

Do you still smoke the weed, right? I do, and that's the noise I make when you smoke weed. That's when you're in like a real, like, south side Chicago. Yeah. That's how they know. Don't fuck with this guy. I think that's West Hollywood. Yeah.

Oh, I won't do it. God, you know what, fuck off. God, that was creepy. You can't do it with a Gilligan's Island hat and a gold miner's beard. Like, some just, this is quite the look. I want to get it just long enough for a little like a Kung Fu Master wig.

Oh, yeah. I could have a sound effect at the end of it. Yeah, wait a shot. Wow. Do you know any martial arts? No, I know. Well, no. What about marital arts?

Have you ever been married? Yeah, I got married to the belly room with the comedy store. So do you know any marital arts? Like if she starts complaining, yeah, yeah, that's a marital art. Wait until she crossed the line. There should be marital arts, where it's not wife abuse,

and the wife can use it too, just so we're not picking sides, but you get top marital arts, and it is actually the art of fighting while married. That would solve a lot of domestic abuse. If you had a sound-up machine. Yeah. You could just sort of,

of mime getting into fights. And domestic abuse goes both ways. This isn't just aimed at the ladies. Because then you get it off your chest. Oh, yeah. It goes both ways. Yeah. If you're chopping, chopping something,

have that sound effect in there. And then you hold up a knife, even a fake knife, a no knife, but you're still like, want to keep talking? Yeah. I'm making you dinner. Yeah, dude.

Wow. That's how you'll make a lasting relationship. Marital arts. Marital arts. Wow. Uh, buddy, well, let me play the theme music for the second time, folks. Ari Shafir is here, straight out of New York, straight out of the whole world, okay? Ari is renowned for his travels.

He has a podcast called Uvi-Trippin' man to Bamba Ross Klotman. You won first guest of the year, Trippy, and Trip of the Year, Trippy. Oh, hang on. Hold. Okay, I'll listen to the music. Hang on. Jam out to this. This is funky, bro.

Oh. Look at this, man. Harlem Williams, best guest, best trip. How proud am I? And what is it? Most surprising. And best lover. On the bottom.

Best lover. Best lover. Best looking. Yeah. Gaping butthole. What? Gaping butthole word. Oh, that's what this is.

That way. Yeah, yeah. Oh, I didn't even know. No. So, folks, Ari has a podcast. podcast called You Be Tripping where he interviews all his buddies on their travels. And I guess you do a guest of the year thing. Trippy Awards. Yeah.

Yeah. You saved me a lot of money having guest of the year and trip of the year. Really? And most surprising. I had to divvy those up this year. I won all three? All three. The trifecta?

Yeah. I take back. Can I do a reverse? It's off. I took the fuck off back back. Bring it in. Yeah. Oh, fuck.

Okay. Oh, fuck. I take them back. Oh, fuck. Even the leather back sea turtle one. By the way, you know, He's going back to his kids. Yeah.

Whoa, you almost fell into this horizon, dude. Oh, wow. You almost fell into the magic mushroom forest. Yeah, everyone thinks it's CGI. People go, what's with the shitty CGI? They don't realize these are actually real physical banners hanging here. These are physical guys. Yeah.

Watch. So for all you like people that think you're outguessing AI, AI doesn't ripple. Yeah, can't spell R-R-R-I without A-R-I. Oh, wow. Are you A-I? I'd never thought of it before now, but they'd be programmed to think they weren't. R-I-A-R-I.

Yeah, A-R-R-I. It's official. E. You just sounded like a wounded seal since we're talking about nautical creatures. Like that, A-R-H-. It sounded like you'd be chased by an orca. You know, there are. Yeah.

Clogging? Is it a seal clogging? Oh, I thought he was clapping. Oh. I was, when you did that, I pictured like barn boys in clogs dancing in a barn

in Amish country. But anyways, folks, I was, I got to tell you, I was honored and touched. I went on Ari's podcast and I did a trip around the world. Normally.

The craziest trips. Yeah. And I, And I didn't, every time I haven't trusted somebody, I've regretted it, like a high level comic or creative. Yeah. Or you're like, well, it's not like, I used to do it by country. And you're like, it's more than one country, but it's one trip. I'm like, I'd like to do it by country.

And you're like, I have an idea. And I'm like, all right. Man, was I wrong? Wow. I'm so happy you were open to it. I've shifted it now to like, just tell me about your trip. Oh, okay. That's fine.

Oh, good. Yeah. I'll label it however. Well, Ari gifted me this, this honor of guest, the triple guest. of the year. You thought I was joking. I saw your Kill Tony guest of the year

and I was like, oh, you won a Trippy Award. You're like, uh-huh. I thought you were gagging me. But man, this sits on my trophy shelf beside the Kill Tony guest of the year award.

Wow. I'm just days away from an Oscar and an Emmy. You got nominated the next year. Did I? Yeah. For what? Um, you came back on.

I'm trying to think where we, where we talked about. Oh, I got nominated again on your show? 2025. Oh, I went on the guerrilla track in Africa. In, not Kim,

Hotel Rwanda. It was in Rwanda. Yeah, you took them all hostage and then it was, I remember they were like, hey, you're not even part of this fight, dude. You can't. Who's an ethnic minority here?

You don't know. And you were like, I'm just here for the love of the game. It's like putting yourself in like new shoes. Wait, now that you mention it, I was the ethnic minority in Africa, in Rwanda. You were. You got out of there. What do I get?

What's my prize? At least get a lay when you're leaving. I didn't get laid once. Whoa, dude. Was that your mucus that you swallowed? It's still there. Yeah. Wow.

That beard's like a... Forget the beard. You're the only guy I know who grows a shamwow. Dude. But anyways, thank you so much. I can't tell you how much I was honored and touched and that you let me share my long-winded journey with you. It was so cool.

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It was a cool trip. And how close you were to not doing it, too. Yeah. It made it even cooler. Yeah. It literally was a junk mail pamphlet. And I was sorting through my mail, right at the end of my driveway beside the garbage cans. And it was like, Olive Garden, home construction, build a new toilet, add an addition, trip around the world on a private jet.

I had it halfway. Pulled it back. And I went, I saw the Nat Geo logo. And anyways, they can watch your episode to get all this. But thank you so much. I honestly, Ari was really, this means a lot. And I was very touched. And thank you.

Yeah. But speak, let's let's go to where you've been now. Because last time you were here, you were literally just prepping to go on, I think you went six months. Six, a little over, yeah, almost eight. Yeah. So you were here just before you were going to go on your trip. So enlighten us, where did you go? And what happened?

I went all over Latin America. I hadn't really explored Latin America. I'd been to Ecuador for during the pandemic. I went, my live indoor gathering was kind of done. So I went to Ecuador and just kind of stayed there for six months, get rented a car, went around. But this time, I kind of went to the rest. Wow.

Latin America. Started in southern Mexico. It just geographically started there. And then just chase the sun down and hit the bottom of Argentina at the solstice. You have a kid? No. Who son did you change? Oh, I forgot.

I forgot about your buddy. It's been a long time. And I apologize. Welcome to stupid pun country. You haven't been there in a while. Welcome back. I should have been chasing the pun right back up here. No, but so you, what, what, so southern Mexico.

I forgot about you. Thanks a lot. Leaves for six months. Doesn't, what's my name? You don't know. Hormone? Is that what you said? Did you say hormone?

Yeah, the Straits of Horlo. Okay. I'll take that. At least I'm a famous piece of geography. So, so you started in southern Mexico. Yeah. Like,

right at the border. No, just the South Wohaca region. Okay. So like southern and a little bit east, and then went kind of east along, in the regions along the border, to like the old ruins,

like Palenca and shit. Oh, wow. And then crossed over in El Salvador and then just worked down. No, across Guatemala, then El Salvador. I'm sensing,

and I could be wrong, but this sounds like one of those motorcycle trips or how did you do it? Buses. A lot of overnight buses. A lot of day buses. Oh, wow. Yeah. It's a little treacherous, isn't it? Did you feel vulnerable? Did you feel safe?

The buses, okay, not from crime. I was never, well, very rarely was it an issue. It's a couple times, sure. But like, mostly those buses are like, this is not a safe speed for this level of turns and cliffs. Yeah. This is a little more. Yeah.

Yeah. I'm not in a rush. Yeah. Yeah. If it's 16 hours instead of 14, that's cool. Yeah. And there are a lot of scenarios where that bus actually goes up on two wheels almost. I've seen it. Yeah, it's scary. Me and O'Neill were leaving a hike to Machu Picchu, which you've been to.

I've been there. Yeah. Talks about an episode. Yeah. And it was raining early, and there was like kind of rock slides coming down. We had to get transported out of there. And this guy would like stop. There was like, it was like a waterfall and then over the road and then cliff again.

He'd stop and shine brights on it. And he'd be like, please be quiet. And they're like looking at all the, like the, where it's coming and then go, okay. And then just gun it and turn. And I mean, we're looking where I can't, I'm out this, I can't see road. I just see fall. Straight down.

Yeah. It's like, it's vertical drop. Yeah. Oh, dude. Yeah, it's interesting because in other countries, especially, would that be called a third world country? I don't want to insult anyone. I don't know. It's major...

It's below us. Why don't we just call it a below country country? Just to be... So we don't hurt anyone's feelings because it actually is below us. It's funny. Below, I did some below in Peru. You did? Oh, and I'm the pun guy.

I'm trying to catch up. Okay, okay. I'm trying to catch up. I got some relish. Oh, dude, we're on a roll. That's a hoagie. Oh, man. But wait, when you go to other countries that aren't fully...

developed really. Yeah. And it's interesting. I'll switch back to countries that are developed in a second, but you go to some of these countries and the roads are crazy. The roads are thin and there's no real concept of speed, of curvature, and it's not just the people driving, it's the people come in the other way. Come in both ways. Yeah. And the concept of passing and going into oncoming traffic, Like it's almost like, yeah, it's like, it's just like, Haram Scarham. They have these two lane roads in like deep, deep, deep country Scotland. And the locals go so fucking fast. And I'm trying to hold on.

We're all on the wrong side of the road, them and us. Yeah. On the wrong side. So we're all getting used to it, I assume. Slamming on a break. There's a road in Bolivia that people can bike down. But it's called, I mean, the name of the road is called the death road. Wow.

People take it all the time. And is there a death toll on it? it. Like, they probably got its name for a good reason. There's a bunch every year. Really? And they keep taking it. It's the way to go up. It's funny how people have that incessant need for danger, like the running of the bulls every year in Spain.

Yeah. Like these people who can barely run to their gate at an airport decide some guy from Cleveland and his wife. Yeah. They decide, let's go and stand in a cobblestone road where the footing's not good. And it's almost like a, it's like, it's almost like a Rick and Morty thing. Like, what's some danger? Like, how about we send some animals like, what, like bulls?

Yeah. Like, on a cobblestone road, like, I know, it's a dreamscape. And not just bulls, but they have daggers on the front of their heads so they can impel us. Yeah. Let's get them, full on knives on their head. Like, people have this, this weird for, this feel for, like, danger like that. But a lot of times it happens when they travel for some reason. Yeah.

Well, this death road was like, for the locals, it wasn't a, it wasn't like, for the danger. It was for transport. That's the way to get there. Yeah, that's just how you get there. Imagine you're a nine to five or like here you had to go from L.A. to Orange County. Yeah. And it's two hours each way just on the 405. And it's such a grind. But every day you got to get on death road. It couldn't be worse than the 405 in traffic.

Yeah. Could be. Yeah. Like you just go down a flat freeway back and forth. And some, you know, Manuel and Santiago has to go on death road to feed his kids. to go to the janitor job at the... It's going on a nickel an hour. Yeah.

Goodbye, honey. Not sure if I'll see you tonight. I'm going to be going on the death road. But don't worry. I have the Tesla. I can take my hands off the wheel and sleep while I'm on death road. On the Tesla's there, they just have a morgue mode. You're not going to come back.

Just set it to not die. Yeah, it sounds like a grape song that pops out. Yeah. It just goes like that. hours there. Yeah, and there's like morticians, tools in the trunk instead of a jack. Like we went too far.

It was like, man. People died, man. Yeah, people died. But people do have a proclivity to, I think they like the danger when they travel because they can come back and they sort of have bragging rights and they have

stories. And so I think people who shouldn't be paragliding behind a boat in the Bermuda Triangle 700 feet in the air. Yeah, we could disappear for minus 30 years. Yeah. Yeah, wake up in the 60s. Yeah.

I go, wait, what? I just wanted to go water skiing. Wake up before they invented paraglides. All of a sudden, you're just free falling because they don't exist here. Yeah, you go through a time warp. I just wanted to go water skiing, but now I'm going to go back and stop the Kennedy assassination. How would you stop it? You woke up, let's say you got a year.

Yeah. But you're like, stop it. Like, what do I do? How would you stop? You're just you. Not drive a convertible? No one knows who you are. Okay.

No one's seen something about Mary. No one's seen anything. Yeah. Your new movie coming out, people haven't seen that. Yeah. If you can save up and get a convertible, yeah, you can try to run them off the road. That's not going to be good for you. No, I mean, if you could go back in time and save Kennedy.

Right. So how would you do it? I would say, hey, you're going for a little drive today. Let's not put the top down. Like, real easy, guy. Real easy. Like, what was that? Four words?

let's not put the top down. Five. You save a president. Yeah. If you really need the wind in your hair, you got great hair, JFK, but soon it's going to be flying through the air. He's gel, not brain matter. Yeah.

If you want to slick it back. Yeah, he's gel. Brain matter works so well to slick back hair, though. It does. It lasts. Oh, nothing like cerebellum to keep your hair just sticking like glue. Yeah. Oh, my God.

Okay, so you're getting down, you go through. through El Salvador. That is the dangerous stuff. People go to the barrios in Colombia, Medellin to Camuna 13. They go to, in Brazil, they go to, in Rio, the favelas. Wait, I don't want to sound stupid. Well, what is a, you said barrio? What is that?

The shitty neighborhood. It's a neighborhood? It means neighborhood, but then you mixize it. Oh, I thought it was like one of those shady bars where you go and it's like gringoes and, like, you know, streetwalkers. And like, you go in and you want to. want to have like a dollar Mexican beer and you've come out missing a leg or something. Yeah, that's all of them. So Barrio's a neighborhood.

Yeah, it just means neighborhood. But the favelas is in like Rio. Rafi Bostos, he like gave me some tips. I was going to go. Yeah. He goes, hey, by the way, don't. I'm sure you're already weren't going to go. But like now more than ever, they're doing shootouts with cops.

And there's all these tourists like, I want to say I went to the favela. Yeah. And he goes, yeah, don't do that now. That's the thing. They want that bragging right. Yeah. It's like people who climb Everest. What's the point?

What's the point? Let's take a picture. Yeah. Guys, there's AI now. Yeah. I guarantee whoever's watching this. AI, me and him on the top of Everest. Please.

Put clothes on us. Make it look proper. Do it now. Send it in to our website.com. I'm going to put it right here. And by the way, if you want to put me and Ari in the running of the bulls. Do that too? What else do we want to do?

The Bermuda Triangle? Hanging on to the road of death. Yeah. You like, come on. How about me and you? You crucified. Oh. That'd be a good one.

Yeah. I'd sure they still do that over in the Middle East. Jew'll be in the other side of it for once. Yeah. Yeah. Like, let's let, you know, send them in our website at gmail.com. We'll put the best ones up. And, you know.

Yeah. Oh, that's real too? Yeah, that's real too. I've got to go right through it. No, that's real guy. Wow. Okay, so let me ask you then, since you were gone for seven months, dude. I want to get into that.

But what? What was some of the dangerous thing? And I'm not saying, because you travel a lot, so you're probably past the bragging rights thing. Right. I know you like immersive experiences. I'll try like, invite me over, it might be socially awkward. I'll try those are my more danger now.

You will? Yeah, where I'm like, I might not like this, but I'll try it anyway. So did you do anything that was sort of outrageous, like physically? Did you go on a rock climb or scuba diving or anything that were you? Yeah, the Salcantai passed to Machu Picchu

It was got to, the altitude got to like, to the point where it's like, yeah, there's cliffy stuff where you could like, you're already kind of hallucinating from the altitude. Yeah. And then you're like, no, I just got to go to my car. I just parked my car over here. Yeah. Dude, we've been hiking for two days. Your car's, no, it's just in the lot. Yeah.

Let me just go get it. It's just in a lot. This will be way easier if we can drive us down. So, buddy, there's no. Let's just go down a little bit. Let's just go down a little bit. So let me get this straight. I have diving with poisonous fish, Mount Everest, running with the bulls.

and you crossing a parking lot to find your rental car? At the top of the Saltkentai Pass. Yeah. That's fair. We got a real danger zone guy over here, folks. Are you sure you didn't just stay in New York? Did you even do this trip? He got nine months.

What was the big danger? Well, I went and got my car in the parking lot. My Home Depot slapping the crippled people was more dangerous than that. There's no car. I'm imagining it. Oh. So, Matthew Peecheecheecheecheech. How do you say it?

Macu or Machu? It's up to you, really. They're all dead, so they're not going to claim anything. I'll just say, fuck you, Peku. How about that? Maka paca. But what people don't... Do you know what Pichu means?

Isn't that like a dessert at Olive Garden? It could be. Would you love the peachu crisp? No, what is it? I forgot to ask. I'm asking you. Oh, I know what Machu means. What does it mean?

It's a village people's song. Machu, machu, machu, man. I want to peach you. Your big fat pot. Oh, God. For two guys that hate puns, we're really doing good at it. We should go on a pun trip together. We're two peas in a pun.

We should just go on a seven-month and just pun, pun, pun, pun. Bring pun to these poor countries. These third world countries don't have the puns we have. You got to look at your privilege sometimes. We could call it the Rapunzel tour. Because we'll both come back with hair like yours. There it is. You can braid it.

But wait, speak with it. to humor when you travel. And then I want to get back to the danger zone stuff because I'm not settling for finding the rental at Machu Picchu. Okay. The humor when you travel and we've both sort of been all over the world, right?

That's fair to say. Yeah, yeah. I found, and see if you can verify this for me, I found that American, Canadian, English humor doesn't translate well in countries or they don't speak English, except for two things. And as a comedian, I tried it everywhere.

These two were universal. So if you ever want to get a laugh out of someone who speaks the most bizarre language, the word wife, so I would always say if I'm buying something or something went by, I'd just go, ah, my wife. And the men would, and the woman, they'd always let, they just, they knew the word wife.

Yeah, wife. Like that's like, there's my wife. You're buying tomatoes and you're like, my wife. Yeah. Like, right? You know, they'd be buying tomatoes. Dude, it's universal. Wow.

They love wife and here's the next one, ready? Hmm. Fart noises. You do a fart noise in any country under any circumstance. Almost 99% got a laugh. This is reminding me. I was on a hike in East Timor. Here we go.

And we went all the way up this fucking crazy. This guy took me in. this whole family took me in and slept in it's freezing whatever and we kind of bonded but one of them spoke English

the rest didn't on the way down this guy's crouched he farted and fell and I saw it and I was just like like without saying it like did that fart

knock you back and it did and he was like and we both just die without speaking the language wow yeah can that be a new term

fart and fall fart and fall I like that you gotta crouch but also that brings the farts out Was it a loud one? Like were you in a mountain pat? Was it almost like a borderline yodel?

You got to be careful The rock slides. Wow. Be careful. That's like an ass yodel. Yeah. Might make an assailanche. Oh, dude.

You've outpunned me now. Outpunge yourself? Whoa. Easy gorgantua. Whatever your name is. But wait. So how loud was this fart and how long was it? It was like a good like

four second fart. It doesn't sound like one time, but let's do it. That's a fart. Dude, you shoot and step on a snow leopard? That's not a, that's not a fart. That's a, that's a caterpillar

greater starting up. Wait, I can't fart. Oh my God, I just realized I can't do sound effects. I can't do a fart. Wait. What about? That's it.

Go for it. I haven't gone too long. That sounded like you were licking the teeth. Tin Man. I'm bad at sound effects, I guess. No, but you did it, you went, and then right at the end, you went, the squeaker at the end, that was my pinnash.

But it's like when the Tin Man and Wizard of Out, when he first was like, you think he was releasing farts? Watch Wizard of Oz again with that in mind. He's just ripping him. That's what it sounded like at the end. So that, well, did you try humor as a comedian? Did you have an attempt at humor in these other countries? where you can't communicate humor.

Yeah, it's, so you forget how natural, you know, you're a decades plus trained professional at it. Yeah, that's what you do. Yeah, and you meet a regular, you're like, well, I have one weapon. I've trained in this thing that might be universal. And you try to like, yeah, this one guy and we're visiting a coffee farm and Via Cabamba.

Yeah. And his name, the name of the place was via Caroma. Oh, wow. And then, and it was like, the person was with you spoke better Spanish. And he was like, do you know that? Because like, via Kabamba and aroma, they combined it. And I was like, see, yeah, so view. Like it's obvious.

He did? Yeah, because it's obvious. You scored a laugh? I scored. And it feels so good. Yeah. It's the first bridge. If you can get a laugh, it's the bridge.

Because like you said, like if you're a knife thrower, you can still throw a knife in Moscow. If you can fix a car, you can fix a car in South Korea. But you cannot do our craft in any old country. It sort of gets nullified. Language is different. And even if they speak the same language, if they speak a language, it's still like, I don't get your sensibility here.

Yeah, that's right. Yeah. That's the other thing. That's why American comedy movies don't translate well overseas. That's why they don't make people go, why don't. And this is insider talk, Hollywood. Yeah. Because we've been down this lane.

I don't know if you've tried to get a comedy film made, but they literally don't make a lot of comedy movies because the comedy doesn't translate in other countries. So even guys like Sandler and Jim Carrey, it's a big deal to make a comedy. Yeah, action translates. Action and visual stuff like cars and horror. Horror does well because that's universal.

Like, you know, some kid under a bed eating lima beans with, you know, red eyes. That could be anywhere. So I did see some movies that were set in Latin American countries, and it made me go like, no, unrealistic. I saw Fast and Furious Five in Rio. And there's a scene where this chick is in a favela. Like a... What? This is just the custom here.

God, relax. You're saying favela? Yeah. You're a fine favela yourself. Thank you. What is it? It's a barrio. It's a barrio on top of the hills in Rio.

She's like waking up and she goes to the sink and she poured in her face and she like drinks some water. And I go, nope. The rest of this movie would be her shivering in bed and throwing up. Right. That's just a completely unrealistic scene. Don't you hate that when they take for granted that we don't know? Yeah. Like what's right?

You're not going to know and it won't take you out of this. Everyone in Brazil is like, what the fuck? I saw a movie. came out years ago called the bear. And it was by a famous director. And it was about the, it was the whole movie was about a little grizzly bear that got separated from its mother.

And it was. And it became a chef? What do you mean? Is that what that movie was? Yeah. Okay. He became a chef in New York. Yeah, right.

Right. Yeah, I thought I heard of it. Yeah, and his favorite meal was slaughtered moose and caribou. And he tried to make people leave that. Yeah. And nobody went for it. Yeah. And then he was on skid rice.

and then he got, he bumped into Winnie the Pooh. And he showed him a skid marks. Yeah. And then it was, it was just a mess. Heroin, honey,

everywhere. But anyways, there was this movie and it wasn't, it wasn't CGI, it was a real chronicling of a bear. Of a real grizzly bear

in its cup, but obviously they used different seasons to get all the footage. Oh, it's like the Great Adventure Disney things where it's like, they just go, they kind of follow them from afar.

Yeah. Yeah. But what they did is, you know, These are mountain-dwelling bears. The grizzies live up in the Rockies, and they're in real, like, northern terrain. So there's a scene where they must have staged it in a studio with the cub, because you can wrangle the cubs. And, you know, the cubs lost in the forest.

And instead of real bear noises, it sounds like a muppet. It's like, oh, mm-hmm, you know. And all of a sudden it comes up to a pond. And, of course, in the pond, you have to have a turtle. So they have the turtle waddle out of the water, and it's a fucking tortoise from the desert. First of all, would never be in the mountains. They're like, no way.

It would be nowhere near the water. But they just think you don't know. And it drives me nuts that stuff. We saw I was in Buenos Aires for Christmas. Okay. And I was like, let me find an Argentinian Christmas movie. Oh, who doesn't want to see one of those during the holidays? Got close.

I don't know. Excuse me. I don't know. It's not thematic. I found a hallmark movie called My Argentinian Heart, my Argentine heart. Get out. You did not.

I did. It was so bad. I'm lucky because I was like 15 people. Like, this is what you pick? It was bad enough to be good. It was bad enough to be good. So right away.

You're on holidays. Yeah. And you sought out, you took time out of your precious holiday to find an Argentinian Christmas movie. We're all in a hostel. We're like, let's do something. And we're like, let's try something local here. Hey guys, Harland here, and this may be a little personal, but is there something off in the old bedroom, in the old saccharony?

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So guys, if you want to get rocking and rolling in the old bedroom, you better check out Hems. Instead of watching like, That's where the old dude sings a song about Christmas to get up in the charts. What's that one? Bing Crosby? Uh-da-da-do-do-do-do.

Last Christmas. No, no. Not that. I don't know the name of a movie. Oh, it's a movie. It's a movie. A Christmas movie? It's a Christmas time movie.

And the guy from Walking Dead is in it. And he, like, leaves Shannon Sussiman or one of those ladies. He just has to say he's in love with her. It's like an ensemble. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. what's love got to do with it or something? Something like that. Love,

love intentionally or something. Love something. Yeah. Love actually. Love actually. Nice. Oh, it feels good. Yeah.

No computer, no nothing. Didn't send off a carrier pigeon. No. Go me five. That's what they did in the old days. Before they had cell phones, you write your question on a carrier pigeon on his leg. Send it to the next town.

Yeah. Next town come back. Tom Petty was born in Michigan. Oh, cool. Love has got the answer And then you know Yeah, I don't know the song either But now I remember was that older guy

He was in one of the vampire movies too Wow Yeah Yeah, he played sort of an aging rock star Yeah He didn't give a fuck Oh wow But he did try to get his song charting again

He did kind of care Anyway instead of watching that Let's watch my Arjitaine heart Yeah But then it was like Wait you just you just took a car ride from Buenos Aires to Mendoza, that's a seven-day trip.

You can't just drive. You just combine them. That's like it's not real. They know no one is from Argentina's going to watch that. Dude, you could have saved a lot of time and money and just gone from your house here to the Glendale Galleria and to the Cineplex. Said it was Mendoza.

Oh, I could have to watch it. Yeah. You think the Hallmark movies are streaming at the Cineplex? No. No. Maybe a lows, but not up. Come on. Okay, look.

I build you as a world traveler. I've asked for danger. Okay. I've asked for this. So far, the two stores I got, finding my car at Machu Picchu and going to a Christmas movie. Okay. Now, either you kick it into gear, Gulliver's travels.

Okay. Or I'm going to just start asking you about, you know, Sicily Tyson. Was there anything on your fabulous... We go. Drug dealer in Medellin. Here we go. Why didn't you lead with that?

Should have led with that. What is going on with you? Because then you can't ask me to one-up it and I can't. What am I going to go from there to like? I couldn't find it. I hear it. Oh, there it is. Dude, don't worry.

I've got the sexual activity questions coming in behind the danger question. Because I know you like to power ride. I know you like to hammer jack. That's a danger. You love to. You go right through these weak women. Yeah. They don't have the calcium we have.

You go right through them. Hold it. But then the villagers are all chasing you? Okay. Could be, could be. Okay. Put the break. We're going to get to it, my guy.

Let's get to you with a drug dealer. Why don't I have a feeling it's as a furnisher shop and you guys are eating a sandwich? Like, this better be edgy. This better be edgy guy. I'm going to pull that Gilligan's Island hat right down and like beanbag you. Do one of those hockey Toronto fights. Yeah. Why am I, why my shirt going up?

Who fights this way? Never fight. someone for Toronto or try to keep up with drinking. Okay. Heroin story. Well, whatever it was. I was just buying weed. I thought it was safe and fine.

Okay. 200. Oh, you said 500. I'm like, no. That's crazy. That's crazy what you're saying. And I'm like, 200. Immediately I was like, that's a too high of price anyway.

But I was like, you got me. You got me. So let's do it. Okay. So, okay. Let's hear, here's two. And then some other guy, some little shrimp. I guess his friend was like 400.

more. A trip? Shrimp. Shrimp. A little tiny fucking like a Greg Fitzsimmons of Medell. Yeah. And he goes 400 more. I was like, why? And he goes, that's not 200. You got to pay me more. I was like, no, who are you? And it was this guy's

boss. The shrimp. Yeah, the shrimp was the boss. And I'm like, no, I already had a deal with this guy. Uh-oh. And he goes, it's 600. No, come on. This is drugs. Don't fuck around. Come on. And I'm like, no, no, they take it back. And he goes, that's not possible. Oh. Yeah. And I was

And it was me and all my friends. And I was like, dude, no, I'm not. He goes, listen, we pay off the cops. You're either going to pay me or I'm going to follow you back to where you're staying. And I'm going to do really bad shit to you. Whoa. You don't want that. And I was like, this is from a shrimp.

Shrimp. Yeah. But like, kind of gangy. But you're not feeling scared. Like, how tall is this shrimp? Not that. I'm not going to be violent against. Somebody got a knife or a gun.

Yeah. So did you shell it out? Eventually, one of my friends started cussing at him in Spanish, calling him a day-ha and I was like whoa whoa just some chick she got away with it it was a chick yeah it started screaming at him and then eventually he kind of backed off he's like fuck a fuck give me 50 and then I did okay I got to stop again just for okay so pause pause so where was shwebs invented no okay okay so guy my guy okay I wanted an action story I got searching for my car in a parking lot I wanted adventure.

I got a Christmas movie in Argentina. I wanted a drug story. I get you in a parking lot being rescued by a girl over a joint. Wow. Ari. Yeah. Guy. Not as...

I can bring in a high school kid from Orange County and get these stories. I got rushed by guerrillas. Can we like... Can we get something happening here, Guy? Yeah. I want to give you this award back, but I want this to be an award-worthy show. I'm struggling right now. You're struggling.

Yeah, it's true. Who did you try? Let me help you. Who did you travel? Was your girlfriend? I met people. I met people. Did your girlfriend go?

No. I thought you told me in New York you were taking your girl. Yeah, I don't really talk about her much, but yeah. Oh, is it? Is it done? Yeah, I'll leave it alone. Yeah. That's a sensitive area.

What was her name? No, I'm not going to even ask. What was the fight about? I'm not even going to ask. No, no, off limits. Do you still talk to her? No, all right? I mean, it's going to be better than his travel stories, folks.

But, okay, so you went with your buddies. Yeah. Can I just say one thing and I'll get out of the relationship thing? Okay. Because when you told me you were going with your girl. Yeah. And I know it's a sore spot. I'm not going to dwell.

I was sort of really jealous and really happy because I knew you were going for an extended trip and it's hard to find a partner in life. A woman who's just going to pick, and all due respect to what I love about you, you're sort of hippie-ish to a degree. You're very cosmopolitan New York, but you've got this hippie side where you'll just vagabond.

And to have a woman to do that in partnership, I was really like, wow. I'll tell you what made it helpful I met a dude in Peru who's traveling for three years with his wife on a side car of a motorcycle Oh wow And I'm like how's this trip going

And where's your wife? Because she's not here this week He's a week every month They split up Oh wow So I started doing that too It's he said it saved everything And I was like yeah

Let's have her own little adventures But his is a week Yours was over half a year No And then we'd separate Oh so she's that she's was there. Yeah. And then we separate. For how long? A week at a time. And then meet up, let's meet up in the city. So for six months, you guys did this zigzag. Yeah, like, hey, take off, let's meet up,

travel together, and then see ya, see ya. Oh, then how come you didn't want to talk about it? Or did at the end of it you broke up? I just, I don't know. It's like, it's, it's in flux. Once you get other people, it's like, yeah, it's a weird. It's in flux. Okay. And she's probably watching. E unflux. Is she on Tinder at all? It's. It's a flux. Is she on Tinder at all. because she sounds really adventurous. I'd love to... Flux is not... That's a pretty good word for it.

All right, I'm going to leave it alone because that's sensitive stuff. But it was a good way to travel. So you separate and you come back. You're like, oh, refresh. I got my own shit to tell you. You got your own shit to tell me. Yeah.

And then when you do get back together, like the missing factor is there. Yeah. Your sex drive is you're excited to see them. So there's always that first night of wild lovemaking. Oh, yeah. You go prostitute park and go fucking watch them and just like, let's do some of the moves.

Give me some moves, lady. How? So I talk to him. What do you got? What's what the guy do? No, I mean when you got back that week with your girl. Yeah, I know. You go hang out with the prostitutes and asking for advice.

With your girl? Everybody likes watching toots get picked up. So you and your girl would get a prostate? No, no, no, no, no. You go talk to him. Just talk. Yeah, just smoke a Lucy. Maybe a crush.

I'm sorry. and go watch the toots. That almost sounded like a Poverian Greckleback. Yeah. You really? I saw some of those out there. Wow. So wait a minute.

Now we have a prostitute story. Oh, yeah. And instead of getting with it, you're going to talk to them in a parking lot? I don't want toots. I'm with people. When does this kick into gear, guy? I'm with people.

I just want to talk to to Tuts. This might be the worst six months I've ever talked about. It could be one of the worst six months. So you went with your girl to get a. prostitute and you just talked. You know what they do when you pay them, right? Anything you want. You can talk to the guy at the bus station selling

tickets for free. Talk is cheap. Apparently not. Hell you paid a gal to do it. Dude, this is parked in there. You just sit and watch them all and just smoke cigarettes and just watch them get picked up. It's really fun. Oh, so it's sort of a people watching exercise.

Instead of people, it's a frosty watching exercise. Oh, wow. Wow. Too far. Okay. Okay. So let's get back to, you talked about eating. Yeah.

Sometimes when you go to these other countries, I don't know because we haven't traveled together, but I'm a picky eater. I get a little squeamish. There's some countries where they take the egg with the bird formed. Yeah. And they eat the form, the fertilized. I've had that.

Cambodian, not even in. Philippines and Cambodia had that. Talk to me. Excuse me. The podcast just started, folks. Ari's traveling, should have asked him right out of the gate. Have you ever eaten a bird a day before

it was supposed to enter the world? And that's not a Dr. Seuss book. Yeah, it's supposed to help with your bonos. With your boners. What? Yeah. Makes you good at dancing, they say. So just so they know.

It's a fetus that's not developed. So chicken eggs, are they fertilized or not? Yeah. You can tell because if they sit on them, they're fertilized. Okay. If they leave them alone, they're not. Yeah. And then when they're fertilized, you let them start to grow.

In the egg. It goes from a dot of blood. You don't can't see it. A little more, a little more, a little more. And a little bit before they would hatch, you crack them and... And there's the bird a day away from pecking his way out of the shell. I don't know what the timetable is, but yeah, exactly. And so it doesn't have bones.

It's got the, like, before the bones. Yeah, it's got like the wet feathers. Wet feathers. Looks like it would be hard, but it's kind of like, you just kind of suck it down. Oh, you don't bite it? You don't, there's not, it's not like hard like that. So you don't have to chew through it.

What about the beak? The beak is the only thing it might be a touch hard. If you're way too long, then the beak is like, maybe you've got to spit it out like a sunflower seed. You use it as a toothpick after maybe as the ultimate insult to its sacrifice. What a badass toothpick.

And then I heard before, Before you eat the egg, you pull the top off and the embryonic juices, you drink like a broth. Yeah, you suck the whole thing in. You've done this. Yeah, and then some guy comes by and goes, going dancing. And you're like, what? Why don't I give him a Mexican accent? It was Cambodia.

Going dancing, yo. Yeah, you're all broth. You've messed up on fetus broth. Well, I couldn't have a beard like that. Can I sniff your beard? Yeah, this section is better. Can I please get over here? I just, folks, I got a sniff.

Give me a minute. What do you smell? Just give me a minute. Notes of. Hang on. Oh, come on. Jesus. Oof.

Is that really? You're right? You want to sweats or anything? Oh. Damn, bro. There's some, like, bird fetus in that beard. Can't smell your own stuff. That's a problem.

It's like, far. Yeah, you can't smell it. I could. I get it a little, I guess. This side. Wow. That side. Holy God.

So you, how many of these dead birds did you eat? A whole flock? I had too. They were like, one's enough. And I was like, let me have another one. What? It's sort of one of those things that grows on you? How did it get in a restaurant in New York?

New York. New York City. That's called a pigeon in New York. New York. My lute. Wait, how much is an unborn chicken, a bird feed is egg delight? Pretty cheap.

Pretty cheap. Did you say cheap? Cheap, cheap. You know, what's more expensive is a guinea pig. Oh, no. A whole cooked guinea pig. And that's like 30 bucks.

Bring the beard over. They, oh, boy. Good Lord. You ate a guinea pig. Yeah. Let it in. Let it marinate, so to speak. No, hold it.

No, no, Harlan, once you quick the seal, it's in your mouth, then let it go. Oh, boy. That's not good. Harlan, get him a swim. Oh. Oh, my God, a guinea pig skull. Dude.

What the hell were you eating? You're a picky eater? That's crazy. Wow, this came out of your beard, not mine. Oh. I don't my beard into it. Dude, wait, so you ate a guinea pig? Multiple.

You want to go to Pekko later for lunch? Wow. They don't even take the head off. They're like this. Dude, you know, there's a bunch of little kids right now watching this crying. Not the ones in Peru. They'll be like, ooh, give me that. And then they're like, why just take the head off?

The cheek meat, the cheek meat's. Guinea pig cheek meat. Yeah. The whole body, sure, but the cheek meat is special. They're about this big, right? Yeah, sometimes. Yeah, maybe like that. But why did you eat a guinea pig?

It's so good. What's it taste like? I don't even know the answer. Stuck. Oh, I thought you were going to say gerbil. I was like something's there. That's it. Yeah, that's all over the Andes.

That's like a normal thing. Yeah, that's normal, right? That people have them in their homes. I was in Nepal and people had them just running around in their house. In their homes? That's the Pauling. Oh, wow. Hang on.

What? That pun. Wow. One of your puns made me barf. Okay, so you ate that and a guinea pig. Yeah. I mean, anytime I can get a chance for some coi, I'm eating coi. Is that what it's called?

Yeah. Cooey. Yeah. It's not like a novelty thing, like those, like, like big tarantios lit up a, a park in like in Thailand. This is like a standard celebration dish. Wow. Yeah, graduation, we're getting Kui.

Would a guy named George be able to eat that? George Kui. Kui, George. Just George Kui could have left it right there. I mean, I had to do something to stop. Okay, so anything else? Cowhart was big. What?

Calhart was big in Peru, at the Kucho. Is that what it's called? Big fucking big chunk of cow heart. Ooh. Is that, is that, is it really? Yeah. How do they prep it? Is it like rush or seared or is it,

did they have to really cook it deep? You cook it like barbecue, just like barbecue. It looks like a little pasted filet mignon about that. Really? And squared, yeah. And it is. Really? Yeah.

That's something you could never find here. No, really? You could not. I've never seen that. Even at the weird butcher shops. Yeah, you'd like anti-cucho? I go, no. Yeah.

Ain't. Did you eat brain? No. I've had it in Fairfax. That old animal place. What's that place called in Fairfax? Animal, animal. I don't know.

The veterinarian clinic? That's what it is. Yeah, the leftovers. They dump them out. You can fry them up however you want. This tastes a little gassy. You ever eat brain? No.

So you're a picky eater while you travel? I had a, can I do a buddy in my, a buddy in Canada did a joke. Yeah. And to this day, it's one of my favorite. Favorite jokes. A guy named Paul Irving up in Canada. I don't think he does stand up anymore, but he said,

I went to India and tried the monkey brain. And I was like, waiter, this monkey tastes stupid. Nice. Last word of the line, too. Well, well, well formed. Wait, what? Well formed. Last word of the line. Yeah, you know, stupid.

Yeah, at the very end. Isn't it interesting that your mind broke it down like, that. You like dissected the joke. I never would have thought of that. Why did you do that? I'm curious. I don't know. It was like it was a funny joke and it was like you savors through. There's nothing. There's no tail into that. It's like right there at the very end. Let's you laugh. There's no more words coming. You got to listen to. It's perfect. But the fact that your mind not only absorbed the joke, but went to it structurally. Also like why it was good. Yeah. That's fascinating. Do you do that with all jokes? Do you sort of dissect them and and I guess sometimes. I guess. I don't know.

I didn't think about it. I thought it was just basic autism. Because that just came out of you like instant. Oh, yeah, great, the last line of the joke. Yeah, it's well-formed. Right? Yeah, it's well-formed. Who does that?

I don't know. Do you not? I don't know. Maybe that's the revealing moment that proves you just really are a true comedian. Like there's sort of a puritanical element to what you just did. I'm sort of in awe. I like that. Yeah.

I've never seen a comedian do that and you just did it without thinking. I guess so. It's kind of cool. I guess it is kind of cool. I'm a comic. You know what? Fuck. Here you go, guy.

Best joke of 2026 so far. That's joke breakdown. This joke breakdown is brought to you by Carlin. Scrape what's on the off what's on there and just write what you want. You know what? Give me that back. It looks a lot like a bird egg on the top. I don't want you to put that in your mouth.

Now, I want to go back quickly to the driving because I left out a part where we were talking about the insanity of driving in underdeveloping. underdeveloped places. God damn. But then I want to ask you cut to places that are overdeveloped and the Autobahn in Germany where there is no speed limit, you can go as fast as your car will take you,

and it's on a beautifully constructed German roadway. Have you ever... So these people, these places you can also go as fast as you want to. It is not beautifully constructed. Yeah, yeah. I was on a mountain drive in Ecuador,

and when the fog rolls, in, you can't see, and it rolls in often, you can't see 10 feet in front of you. Yeah. And now you're on a highway and there's trucks coming, barreling down on you. And all of a sudden, as you're driving and you're crushing a corner, one of the two lanes is gone. Oh, yeah. It's just caved into a mountain to just cliff. So you stop, but you can't see 10 feet behind you.

And cars are going by. Frightening. And you've got to get out of that lane because somebody might be coming too. And then zip back. Yeah. It's so frightening. I stopped trying to make Google Maps would be like six hour drive.

That means 12. Yeah, right. Driving that speed, it's just like they're all off. Google Maps doesn't work down there at all. Yeah, no rhyme or reason. Have you ever been to Cairo in Egypt? Uh-huh.

And right in the center of town, the very epicenter of the city, there's just this giant town square and at rush hour, 4,000 cars converge. It's like sunbeams going backwards. they all come in, there's no streetlight, and they all just kind of honk at each other.

To get around each other? It's like watching a Rubik's cube with ants. And it works out. Somehow they do it. It's not well. It's not done well. Every day it's like a circus. And you take for granted, it's like,

oh, I was stuck in traffic for four minutes trying to get to the Olive Garden. It makes you appreciate what you got a little better. You do. I was in Egypt near there, and this guy got off, he was on the freeway. Like he gets off his lane because it's an explosion. Yeah.

Not happened, but it had happened. So this, this is the, gets into oncoming traffic for a few blocks. Yeah. And then back into our highway. And this guy also told me to take my seatbelt off. Yeah. He was like, that's gay, dude. Yeah, it's gay.

He was like, you don't have to wear that here. And I go, okay, go, so take it off. Yeah, you don't want to be driving into oncoming traffic all gayed up. That's going to hurt your chest. Yeah, you want to be like the fast and the furious. You want to posture. You want to be the peacock with the display. Yeah.

I'm going the wrong way in traffic. Play, yeah. Dude, can I read a statistic to you that is... Because I so admire your journeys, your travel, the fact that you have this sort of gypsy spirit, but yet you still manage a career. I get worked on, you know, about abandoning all of it. You don't.

You're one of these guys. It really knows how to manage your time. I put out your second episode of my podcast. I had been gone for four months already. Wow. I think he came out in October, and I left in July. I want to read you something and get your take on this. Okay.

If this is the lyrics to that song from Love, actually, I'm going to blow my time. Everybody eats. I'm more baby birds. Never left the U.S. Around 40% of Americans have never been outside. of the country. American adults? Or is this all American?

We're talking about under 14-year-olds? What are we talking about here? It just says Americans. I wish you wouldn't ruin it with your nosy questions. Okay. I don't know. But even if... It's got to be adults.

40% have never left the U.S. I've never been outside of the country and more than half of Americans don't have passports. Whoa. Yeah. And then 11% of Americans have never traveled.

outside of the state they were born. And roughly 13% of Americans have never flown in an airplane. Oh, that's poverty. And so, I mean, finances... Wait, 11%... 1 out of 10 people haven't left their state. Right. And almost 50% have never left the perimeter of the USA. If it's Alaska or Hawaii, I get it.

The rest are like, how locked are you didn't even go on a long roadie? Yeah. Can you do a claymation show about traveling through the States? Yeah, Gary and Mike, yeah. Comedy Central? It was UPN when that was a little network, and then they put it on Comedy Central. You can see it on YouTube still, Gary and Mike.

But I want to ask you, because I'm enamored with your ability and your spirit. Traveling is a spirit. Yeah, yeah, when I met you, when you're like, you saw the map that was, you know, you can do anything these, goes all of them. And I'm like, oh. I love it.

You connect with people in a way of like where you've been, what are you going to do? And just like the vibe of going somewhere and not knowing, not knowing where the town square is or what there is to do, what the local food is. Or just kind of how to get a bus. It's discomfort is my happy place. And you're just like, it's the newness. It's just like you take the same route to work every day. Eventually you're like, well, this is the same route to death. I'm going to be here taking the same route.

out until I'm dying. Or you change like everything around you. And it's just like comes alive. Basic shit is like, wow. Okay, hold on. Guys, don't tell me how to order. I'm going to order on this one. And you muddle through it, you know?

Yeah. That's profound. What you just said is profound. And my question was going to be, what do you say to people who haven't traveled? What do you say to people? I don't know what they're missing out on. the world. Listen, if you don't like it, you don't like it.

I went camping, Bobby Kelly did a camping trip with a bunch of comedians. And it was car camping. It wasn't anything crazy. We had to hike in an hour. You put your car there. There was one little cabin, and then the rest were tense. Yeah. And Brendan Sagalow and Mike Cannon was like, do you guys

have a good time? He goes, no, I don't really like that. We hung around the fire. We all tucked. It was like fun. Yeah. It's not my thing. I'm like, what do you mean? He goes, I just don't like it, dude. And I'm like, I love it. And he's like, okay. He tried it. Doesn't care for us. It's not his thing. I get it.

But if you've traveled, I'm like, I hate it, then fine. But we're talking mostly about people who've never even tried it. Yeah. And we're not talking about a resort in fucking Punta Kana, the Dominican Republic. We're talking about like going and experience something outside of a resort. Yeah. Imagine how many of those people that have traveled only went to a resort. Right.

Where everything was taken care of. It's not just a different beach. So what do you say to people that are watching right now and they have the fire burning inside them, but a lot of people are scared to step out of their comfort zone. What can you say to those people to get them motivated? It is scary. And then people like Monroe Martin was like, oh, I can't believe you go out there.

You're not scared. You're not scared. I'm like, whoa, whoa, I'm scared. It's like doing mushrooms. I don't want to go. I'm like, yeah. I'm like, fuck, here we go. I don't know if I want to do this.

Every time. Yeah. You show up somewhere and I'm like, I went to Cuba with Bobby Kelly. And it was like, hey, we could go from New York, stop in Miami and go. But I'm like, then we can get there at dark. I don't know if I want to get there at night.

Yeah. So let's spend the night in Miami and then we'll get there so we can have daytime. We get a feel of our surroundings. Yeah, I'm frightened. But then you get there and you have these crazy event. And then it's like, what if something happened? You're like, we're talking about murder. You're not talking about getting robbed.

Yeah. Robbed, you'll recover. Yeah. You know, it's not fun. But then you'll just buy new underwear and stuff. Yeah. You'll just figure it out. Yeah.

It's an inconvenience. but then the inconvenience becomes an adventure. Well, also on that note, you realize when you travel just how resourceful you are, when something does go wrong or you want something or you don't know a language. And you realize you can do it. You realize, wow, you're sort of proud of yourself. I did that. I don't know the language.

And out there they're offering a deep sea fishing expedition. I don't know how to wrangle it, but then you do. Figure it out. And you're like, I would have given up and say, can you handle this for me? And then there's no one to ask. You do it. So like a kid who's like, mom, do my math homework for me. And you're like, no.

Right. And you're like, I don't know how. And you're like, what's this? What's it? If you're just like figure out yourself, then they do. I had to get shoes in Indonesia. My flip-flop started a fucking stink. Yeah, like your beard?

Yeah, like my beard. No, it was Phnom Penh. It doesn't really matter. Okay. It was Phnom Penh. It was a two-country story, actually. And they started to hold all my sweat in. I've been walking on them for months.

And yes, like my beer. To the point where I'm like, this is bad. And I washed them and then nothing. I found a bucket and I put them in soapy water all night. And I'm like, God damn. So they're done. Burn them. Chucked them.

But then I need flip-lops. So, hey, they don't have people our height in Cambodia. Right. They just don't. Giants, yeah. Yeah. So a shoe size of 11 and a half or 45, whatever, they're like, that's unheard of. And I had people going, hey, you're not going to find that here.

And then other people are like, size 10's good. I'm like, no, no, it's not even close. I'm 11.5. Yeah. And they're like, nah, it'll stretch. I'm like, the bottom doesn't stretch. And it doesn't stretch that much. Your heels hanging off the back.

Yeah, yeah. And I couldn't find any. And it becomes like an activity to do. Henry Rollins talks about it. There's other people talk about psychogeography, get yourself a task, and now you're moving into the city, which is like, I just need to find a postcard. Yeah.

Or I just need to find something. You're around this foreign city or village. Chubby. Chubbies. Look who's got their chubbies. Chubby. That's right, folks. These are my chubby shorts, and I love these things.

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So I finally found some. Oh, wow. For two days, I found some, and they were knockoffs. And immediately the bottom started going like, just flap it off. So I was in a Camodo Island. Oh, I've been there. Yeah. Amazing.

Yeah. And I'm like, oh, I'm going to chuck these. And I'm like, oh, fuck, no, no, no. That took me two days to find these. By the way, just... In the biggest town in this country. Just for you people traveling. broken flapping flip-flops.

That's called bait for a Komodo dragon. They just wait to hear that flap and they're not dinner time. This guy's not running. This guy's not running. We're going to be eating good tonight. And they probably attacked you but then smelt the beard and we're like, fuck this.

Let's go get a dead goat. Yeah. I didn't want something so musky. But the other thing is that danger element you talked about that also, without putting your life in danger, But just that sense of... Walk to the edge of the cliff.

Yeah. Walk to the edge and kneel and then look over. It's exhilarating. I'm going to be a mile from the cliff edge. Like, no, crawl and look. Yeah. Be safe, but it's very exhilarating. It makes you feel alive.

Yeah. And you come back wearing that with you and you can inject it into your life here, which is a different stratosphere, but it's very... I come back and when I'm gone for a long time, I am the mayor of my neighborhood in New York. I'm talking to everybody. I'm social. The Buenos Tardes, the good mornings, good afternoons.

I bring that and it just exudes and it slowly goes away. Yeah. But for a while, it's like, how you doing? Oh, you're a super internet. I've seen you around here. Okay, cool. You just start talking. It's so fun.

Because you bring with you the cultural mindset of where you were immersed and you want to translate it to where you are. You don't pass anyone without saying good morning, good afternoon, and good evening. You just don't in those places. And then here, getting a, A hello back from a New Yorker is like... Oh, you can get a sideways look for a hello.

You can get a lawsuit for a hello. Did you ever get into the backroads of Cambodia? Let's say Cambodia was a while. I did a trip where we did some dirt bikes along one of the big rivers, and all the Cambodians had their houses, the families along the river bit, but between them and the river was a dirt road, and we rode mountain bikes for miles. And the children, they all have a lot of children,

in Cambodia, it's poor, so the children are there to keep the family going and take care of the elders. And these little kids, they'd see honky go by on his bike. And these children run out of, hello, hi, hi. Like you felt like a celebrity. You felt like Pamela Anderson on the red carpet. I literally got to the point where so many children were, I stopped doing it. My arm actually got tired from going, hi. It was just wonderful. I was in his team where they called Bula. I think, I think, yeah, Bulae, which means like white, but it means foreigner now. Yeah. And you'd see them wave and I go, and I just like high-fying as you're driving by.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's like, I touched one. I think you feel so cool. Yeah. So the danger's not real. The danger is like mostly social danger. What if I waste a day? And then you find stuff.

Yeah. You don't waste a day. So you're so worried about like planning every little thing. But like, let it come to you. Yeah, that's the thing. Let somebody go, oh my God. You want to come in for some tea? You're like, um, okay, with muddling English.

And then you see the inside of their home, and they're just like, where are you? From where are you? And like New York, like, oh, wow. Yeah. And then you just drink this tea and stare at each other. Yeah, because it's an adventure for them the same way it is for you. And in El Salvador, it just opened up again, and they were like so interested in everybody. Wow.

I think I said this on your show, and this is my kind of statement to, urge people to get out of their box and travel. I think I said this on your show that I view the world, it's our house. We all live here. And in our house, we have doors. And behind those doors are rooms. And each country to me represents a door and a room. And I say to you, if you bought a house, you'd go in every room. And this is your house, planet earth. So it's not possible to go everywhere, but at least in the span of your lifetime, adventure down your own hallway and open some of the doors. There are 7,000 doors you wouldn't go to everyone.

But when you do pass one, you're like, oh, I haven't been in here. Of course, open it. Go in and explore your rooms in your house. Don't be afraid because man-made borders and cultures are holding you back. In fact, embrace the cultures and learn from them and let them wash over you. They're like, I want to start doing that more. I like this. So anyway, I have just broken flip-flops

And my new hunt now is Superglue. Sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt your flip-luck. It's okay, no, I forgot about it. But now I'm on the hunt for Superglue. That's our new hunt, and I found some, and they stuck around through the rest of the trip. Can I share a Superglue shoe story? Okay.

One of the things I do when I travel is I retire my footwear on the trip. In different parts of the world, exotic places. I've left boots in the Amazon jungle. I've left boots on Lake Geneva and Switzerland. I've left boots in Death Valley and America. All over the world, I retire my worn-out boots. There's a worn-out.

They're worn-out. They'll take them here if they get ruined by the mud. Who cares? I'm not taking them back anyway. Well, I look at it. They were my traveling companions. They deserve a dignified retirement. That's animism.

Yeah. So what I do is I find an exotic place to leave them. And I was in Paris for the first time. And this was back in the 80s when I used to wore cowboy boots because Bon Jovi did. I got to. Living on a prayer. So I wore them down.

I was in Paris. As soon as we got to Paris, I go, we got to find a hardware store. I'd bought a brand new pair of cowboy boots in Germany and brought them with me. We got to Paris. First thing we did find a hardware store, crazy glue. We went up the Eiffel Tower. I had the new boots under my coat, wearing the old boots, stood in the new boots, way up on the Eiffel Tower, put crazy glue on the bottom,

stepped out of my boots, put the new boots on, stepped away, and my old cowboy boots were crazy glued. I know one could take them out? And they were pulled immediately within about 45 seconds, people swore, and were pulling on them,

taking pictures with them, and it looked like someone had leaned over too far with their camera and fallen over the side because they were right there. And it was so cool. That's so funny. That's so funny. And you had other shoots.

We're walking barefoot away. Right. I walked away in the new boot. I really stepped out of one. and into the other. Super glue that before you even stepped out. Yeah. Brilliant.

I love it that we have glue shoe stories. That's so cool. I got another super glue story. It's in Guatemala. Need a super glue for something. I don't remember. It doesn't matter. Okay.

And I went to the market and I was like, oh, I'll have a super glue and I'm trying to like talk to them. It was early span. I wasn't like comfortable. Super glue. Yeah. Super glue. No, you do that.

Super glue. Super glue. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, you start, suddenly you're Marcel Marceau. Yeah. You went to mime school at Juilliard. Super glue.

Chop down gum tree. Squeeze, manufacture, make glue. Tube in Pittsburgh. Horses. Horses. Yeah, glue. Chop hoofs off. Make glue.

So I found, and then she told me how much it was. It was like, fucking 10 bucks. That's expensive. And then she was like, no, 10 cents. And I'm like, oh, I was going to pay you, not even a little more. 100 times the price of this. And I was going to be like, I mean, it's a little pricey, but not crazy. Yeah.

100 times the price was acceptable to me. We have it pretty easy here. Yeah, that's pretty good. Do you take souvenirs with you back home or do you leave the memories there? No, I'll take souvenir. I'll take natural souvenirs a lot, like rocks or stuff like that. Let me share. I do the same thing.

Wow. I take little pieces. It's dead. It's dead. It's okay. Anchor. Wow. Anger Watt.

Roman Colise. The passes, too, for sure. Piece of the Acropolis. The Acropolis. I have a little piece of a pyramid. Yeah, I got the pier. Oh, is that on there? No.

Look. Right here. Wow. Look at this. And it's on the ground. It's not like you're chiseling it off. Look. African elephant tea.

Machu Picchu. Machu Picchu. Egyptian Pyramas exterior. Interior. Yeah. Piece fell off and you're like, cool. I went inside. May I?

Yeah. Wow. Yeah, so I take a little bit... I try not to be a bastard and, like, destroy. Yeah. But I'll take a little flake or an obscure stone. Looks like a foot. I try to find something that's not, you know...

This Egyptian pyramid, I mean, this has been around for thousands of years in Egypt, mined from somewhere within a few hundred miles of there. They don't even know who made them or what made them. And made its way to Hollywood. To the Holland. highway pocket. It's crazy. And just inches away from your beard.

Yeah. Do you want to... There's not much of... Wow. When ancient civilization meets stink beard. Wow. Somewhere in Egypt, the pyramids are puking right now.

Wow. Wow. Yeah, so that's a better souvenir to me. Or something functional. A soccer jersey that I want to blend in, so I wear... A glued flip-flop. Clued flip-flop. Almost born bird.

Yeah. Imagine bringing one of those home and putting it in a bird cage and just hoping it. Not in a farm, just stuck it in there and hope the farmer's like, the fuck. Yeah. This is my hope cage. Yeah. So those I'd like to bring back. Yeah.

There was a, yeah, there was a, I was going to taking surfing lessons in Indonesia. Yeah. Keep talking. I'm just going to hold those up so they can do. Yeah. surfing lessons. A tree had fallen while we were there. And it was block of the whole road.

And it's massive. Yeah. And we're like, fuck. So they had to call the city workers to come, you know, chop it up so we could get through. Yeah. It's so cool. Keep talking. I just want them to be able to see it.

Eventually, the city workers came with a with a chainsaw. But it's still pretty big. And even when they chainsaw, you still got to pull it apart and it's too big. So you got to chop it in pieces more enough. So everyone gets out of their cars both ways or motorcycles, mopeds. And they start helping to get it off. the side of the roads, people can get through. Yeah.

And it was like this, this like kind of exhilaration of doing normal stuff, like, I'm also going to help. Yeah, yeah. I'm also waiting. Everyone's here's waiting. Let's help. That's what we do. Yeah. And you take that with you.

I was with Costa Rica with my parents. Some car stalled in front of me. I saw somebody starting to push it. And I just jumped out. I'm like, what are you doing? Like the car stole. Yeah. He's like, I got to help him.

What do you mean? And then jump back in the car. And they're like, you acted like it was nothing. I'm like, it was nothing. Yeah. It's fascinating that the societal conscious. in other countries is so different. Where here in America, where you hear Americans are so great and they're so loving and generous,

but we're paranoid and suspicious within the boundaries of our own society where I would say take that lesson and bring it to America and do the same thing. I try to do that too if I see that here. But it's scary because here, you know, you go to do a good deed and suddenly Jeffrey Dahmer's eating you alive in his root cellar. Yeah. It's very weird. But also like, yeah, you're going to be a touch careful, but also like not.

Yeah. The real danger is not getting into fun situations. Yeah. Not that you might catch the one out of a million where it's the news story. Yeah. So as we're chopping it up and dragging and shit like that, eventually it just gets wide enough for the mopeds to go through with the cars. They're on your own.

Everybody's just going. The city workers will keep helping you. There was a little piece of that chopped up tree. And, you know, I had that. I just brought that back. It's a memory directly associated with this really fun time. I didn't see it and you're like, and you can touch. So if I had to be any religion, it's animism.

And it's the, I don't really understand it. Everything has a soul of some kind. Oh, yeah. So this thing that I'm touching now saw Machu Picage, saw the Aztec people that were there. And now you've seen it indirectly. The energy. I saw all this and I'm like kind of talking to, yeah.

Isn't amazing? I love touching Jerusalem, everywhere you touch these things. you're like, boom, you're back. You're not in the same places. You're touching the exact same thing that a Roman soldier touched. That's why I take these, because exactly what you just said,

you live vicariously through it somehow. You have a piece of it. You're soaking it in. And the aboriginals from Australia live in that way, that everything has a soul, everything's alive, even the rocks and the earth and the water, there's spirit and everything. Wow.

And it's a beautiful way to look at life. It's so heavy, but... It's beautiful. Yeah. And I think we all come from that, and I think we all have it, but it gets clouded by the cheesecake factories and the televisions. And I'm not trying to be like Mr. Making a Big Statement, but it's actual real.

And I think whenever anyone returns to nature or a foreign country, all that sensibility comes flooding back, and that's the beauty of it. Yeah, you get to be a different you. And then parts of it, you're like, I like this part of me. Yeah. And other parts are like, I can't wait. to get back home and use real toilet paper.

Yeah, and have McDonald's. Like, you missed that stuff. But I think that's not, I wouldn't say our argument, but that's our pitch for you, the folks watching that haven't experienced some of this or sitting on the fence. Get out there and live.

I also heard somebody say something. It was like, when we were, I forget where it was. Maybe somewhere in Brazil. Yeah. And he was like, it doesn't matter where it was. But he goes, it's interesting that every dangerous and like unpleasant situation that you get into,

got stuck in the rain, had to walk for five hours in the rain. It was, fucking hated it. Will become a great memory. Yeah. Once you're dry and you don't have the shiver on you anymore

and you're out of that, you're like, remember that? And we got stuck and we missed that last bus. Because you said, hold on, let me get a nacho. And then we missed that last bus and I wanted to fucking kill you. And it was like,

and when I were dying, laughing. It will become something great in your life. Because it wasn't easy. It wasn't normal. It wasn't, it wasn't predictive. And that's-

All the food poisoning will become a great member Don't seek that out. Yeah. But yeah. Yeah. Oh, Ari. But I had such a blast

and I left my phone. I got a new phone when I got there. So I was off all that. Lock myself out of my email. So it was both seeing stuff and not being connected to all- Oh, that's even better. Yes.

Yeah. You lost it by accident? On purpose. Oh, that's even better. Good for you. I took with me like an email address of a podcast producer. So like two months in, when I was ran out of ads, I was like, give me the, once a month.

I'd be like, give me all my ads for the month. Yeah. I'll do all that. Who has what to promote? And then that's once a month and then back to disconnected. Yeah, you got to, you know, you got to do that, but you have to remember you have a responsibility to your life back home. You got to pay the bills. But forget them.

And then finding out about news stories from other people, being in Uruguay, having those people fill me in on what happened in Venezuela. Yeah. And I'm like, well, from what? okay, give me your perspective of it. Because I don't really know. So I'm not inheriting a take from this side or this side. Tell me your take. And they're like, well, you guys are doing it for oil?

I'm like, sounds like it. Yeah, how do you feel about that? They're like, he had to go, but why owes you guys? I'm like, that's fair. Yeah. Yeah, I don't know. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

It's so neat to be neutral. Yeah. And sort of not versed in what's going on. So here's a trick. We have a very popular present. He's very well known and he's divisive. Yeah. And like maybe all presidents here.

They all are. Yeah. And people ask me, I don't follow politics much in the first place. Yeah. And they go, oh, well, about Trump. And they want me to, and I just go, ah, you know. But how's your, then this is the way you do. This is the secret.

You should go, how's your guy? And they feel seen enough to talk. And I'm going to tell you, they're going to hate their guy. They go, my guy sucks. My guy's terrible on crime. He won't get rid of it. I'm like, why don't they get rid of it? Because he owns the media.

And then just get him talking. It's the same shit. It's the same shit. And they go, he's in the bed. He's in the pocket of the corporations. Big guinea pig. It fucking owns this kid. And you're like, yeah, we have that too, but Coca-Cola or whatever.

And they're like, no, really? And you connect in a way of like we both hate our governments. Everybody hates their government. Well, that's one real side benefit of disappearing into another culture. You get to turn that completely off. No hate, my heart, no anger. No inherited anger. And I think that's part of that immersive experience when you said you got out to help push the car and things like that.

When you get all the angst off your back that's pumped on us on purpose, you become sort of a freer spirit. And you sort of revert to your natural tendencies where humans are kind and giving and sharing and work together in a tribal sense. but when you live in a society where they keep inundating you with propaganda and hatred and you know you have to wear your deflector shields to survive and these places you can shed them and it might be helping people it might be like well I want to go to your museums or I want to do this or I want to take a class or I want to learn a different language or cook more it's like you'll find out it'll just come yeah and then you'll find out and go like oh I didn't realize I was into cooking and now I took one class in Thailand on how to make a fucking

an egg roll and suddenly I'm like I want to learn everything. Well, let's keep it real guinea pig. Fair, fair. Yeah, exactly. I picture you at home in New York now on a romantic Saturday night, pulling the walk out and the shriek of guinea pigs covered with terriacchi just in your apartment. And an amber alert goes off in your neighborhood and it's you stir-frying guinea pigs. I saw somebody in, I think it was Guatemala picking up a pit and the third. squeal it made, but he knew what was going to happen to him.

They know. And then you just see the thing. I don't want to. But like that's where they come from. Yeah. Buddy, what an incredible show. Our last segment, as you know, words from a wooden shoe. You reach in, pull a random word.

Did you have the shoe last time? Oh, yeah. We do with every guess. It's our last bit. Okay. And you pull a word out and see if it triggers a story from your life. Your journey. Okay.

Something you saw, something you did. Okay. Question? Yeah. Is it better for me to reach over this or under this? Around it, if you don't mind. Yeah. Thank you.

Thank you for asking. It's very consider. Yeah. What is it, my guy? It is just a blank piece of paper. Oh, my God. Oh, here we go. Face failure.

The beard. We're done, folks. No, no, no, no, no, no. Go ahead, face failure. Okay, well, another thing you see in these countries is people that have not had access to high-level medical care. Oh, really? You will see some fucked up people.

Burn marks, cleft pallets that go up to their nose. Wow. You will see some grotesqueness. Like a fire at the wax museum. Yes. Yeah. I saw, okay, I saw a dog boy. Talk to me.

I saw a dog boy in the Amazon. It was, okay, so you know how your legs go where if you, so if you got a, if you got to like, your knee goes this way. Yeah. Dog Boy. He went the other way. Like a dog. Both. On all fours.

Because the legs went like as if it was like an Oscar Pristorious leg. You know? But so on all fours had gloves on because they had to walk like that. Dog Boy. Whoa. And I had to drive around the block and come back to get a look at dog boy. Wow. Want to twist on that?

You threw a frisbee? You son of a bitch, you did, didn't you? That would be great. Did you throw a frisbee at dog boy? You son of a bit. No, I did not. What happened? Dog boy?

Woman. No way. Yeah. Did she hump your leg? Nice tits. Wow. Teets. Dogs have teets.

Yeah, it could have been the gravity. Were there seven of them? I don't have too visible. There might be more in the back. Yeah, that's dog girl. Dog girl. What a bitch. Dog boy girl.

Yeah. She was she got around. No one seemed to notice. No one seemed to care. Yeah. I get things. She was just part of the neighborhood. Did she pee on a fire hydrant or in the house?

Okay. So that's what you got to follow. You know, you want to know. That's how I found it was dog boy. Girl. Because when dog boy peed, I expected this. Yeah. But it wasn't.

It was like a crouch down. Yeah, like a girl dog. Dog boy girl. Wow. That's why I noticed the teats. Maybe you could go back. have puppies with her. Face failure.

I'd like you put a period at the end of it because they're like saying it's a sentence. Who put the period in? It's when he needs to get fired. Guess I'm fired. Folks. Ari, what a treat to have you here, buddy. Before we go, please tell them about your incredible podcast,

your comedy tour, any books, anything you want to applaud. Oh, no, I have a storytelling show that's out right now. I reclaimed this is not happening. Oh, wow. Yeah, and I changed the name for legal reasons. Yeah. And it's back. It's called The End.

It's a podcast? No, it's a TV show. Oh, wow. I made it myself. Where? Where can they see it? You can go to R Usufuio.com. There's a link there to get them.

Seven, one hour-long episodes with comedians like Joe List, Mark Norman. What? Shane Gillis, Nate Bargazzi. Oh, dude. Cigura, Hinchcliff. Oh, wow. Roy Wood Jr., Ms. Pat, Ali Saddique. Just tons of the best comics telling stories in front of an audience.

Is it free or is it a subscription thing? It's a pay. Yeah. 599 for an hour episode, a pretty much an hour special. Or you get a discount. If you get five, get two free. I'm going to say this on behalf of Ari and all comedians and independent people. It sounds like, oh, it's a YouTube show. The work, the writing, the detail, the logistics of doing something like this is so much work.

Guys, I'm going to ask you please support Ari. and I'm hoping that could lead to more episodes. Possibly. You were on, this is not happening. You did a story on there. I did? I believe you did. It was so many years of it.

Oh, it was a while back. Yeah. Okay. But support. This is almost exactly like that. But yes, absolutely. Go ahead. Tell them to support me.

Support Ari and this is the type of stuff. This is the new era we're in where you don't have to wait for network-approved shows with executive screening. You get to see from the artist to the table and this is what I feel we need to support. And this isn't like a thing I whipped out with a, you know, with a GoPro. Yeah.

It's an expensive television show. And the money goes to me and to the comedians. We're splitting it all up. So for $599, you can really help, you can support. And I think it's fabulous. And all it does is it germinates more of this to happen. Yeah, exactly. If you do, it's like people don't want you eating meat.

I'm like, but the cows already did. Like, but you eating it makes a new market. Yeah. This will make a new market for more fun shit. For making it on her own, without any notes, it's going to be the best it is. Yeah, and this stimulates other people to do it. And so that's great. And are you doing any stand-up touring, all right?

No, I got May 7th. I'm doing one show at the Netflix festival at the comedy store. The end storytelling is just one, but then I'm not touring it again until next year. Okay. And my special Jew is going on Netflix. So check out Netflix. If you see it, just give it a play. And then like I said, yeah, support this.

Did you say Jew or beard? I didn't hear that. Hold on. Let me see if this still works. Nope. Lost it. Oh, that was me. I fucked up.

Can we try one more? Yeah, it might be done with this. Hold on. Yeah, it works. It's there. Folks, that's it for now. Safe travels. Take a cue from Ari.

Get out there and see the rooms in your house. Don't be afraid. Get out there. Watch out for strange beards. And that's it for now. Until next time, chicken chowmaine, baby. Hey, everybody, how would you like your very own personal video message from me, yours truly? It's your birthday, it's your anniversary, it's your graduation, or you just want me to make you laugh.

You get to pick the topic, you want me to discuss, give me some talking points, and off we go. You can get it for yourself or get it for a friend. It's super easy and fun. Just go to the Cameo app on your phone or to Cameo.com. And I record a custom video made just for you or your loved one. Your very own personalized Harland.