The Harland Highway - ARIES SPEARS tells us about his hilarious comedy movie idea, and rejects emotional support animals!

Episode Date: May 21, 2025

This episode is sponsored by Mint Mobile and MUDWTR -Get your summer savings and shop premium wireless plans at MINTMOBILE.com/HARLAND. Start your new morning ritual & get up to 43% off your @MUDWTR with code HARLAND at mudwtr.com/HARLAND! #mudwtrpod Thanks for watching the Harland Highway. More Harland Williams: Harland Highway Podcast Video: https://www.youtube.com/c/HarlandHighwayPodcast Harland Highway Podcast Audio: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-harland-highway/id321980603 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/harlandwilliams Harbling Shirts: https://www.harbling.com Official Website: https://www.harlandwilliams.com Twitter :https://twitter.com/harlandhighway?lang=en #podcast #harlandwilliams Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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slash C-O-N-T-R-O-L for your free trial that's aura dot com slash control Barb you know that could be either I don't know if you ever met a black barb easy how about Sassinabon oh that's definitely black

matter of fact that's a gay black female Come on and take a ride with a Canadian guy I know a place I'm a show you the way Where the folks stay laughing Because the jokes stay cracking at the most On my heart on highway We can hop on a plane

Just like a cinnamon angel I'm a fly, fly, fly away See, I'm a pretty clever guy Got my degree to ride You learn the thing of two on Holland Highway gotta hide this no you can you can have I'm one of the few podcasts that allows water on my show like you can show water you can drink it okay can slurp it uh if you want to pretend you're a camel or a Galapagos tortoise or even a sponge just roll with it have you ever pretended you were a

sponge uh no oh dude this might be the day if you got water sponges love water I so I hear You've never pretended you were a sponge. Never. Even when you take a bath? Nah, you know, you're special, man. Wait, wait, wait, time out. You got a whole different energy, man. Time out.

So you're telling me, Guy, Wildfire, when you're laying in bed at night on your memory foam mattress, you don't stare up at the mirror of over your bed and pretend you're a sponge. I have yet to do that. Guy. I have yet to do that, man. You got a lot of years. left. I'd get going. How old are you now? I'd just turn 50. Oh, dude. Can I say it? Can I be the first to say it? Half a century. If you say that from now on, instead of saying 50, you're going to get

a lot of street credit, a lot of respect. How old are you? Half a century. How old are you? That feels older. Yeah, but that's what I mean. You got history. You're like almost like the shroud of Turin walking around with that. Oh, my God. Let me ask you again. Ready? Yeah. How old are you, guy? A century. Well, can I buy you a milkshake or something? Wow, dude. Didn't it feel good? I felt something. Right? That's, that's powerful. I'm half a, to say the word century in your age. Yeah. Instead of, I'm 50 years old. I might apply that. Century. I might apply that differently. though in a different context how would you do it well if a woman asked me my size i'd say it's half a century whoa yeah you just turn the tables way to live up to the stereotype you just

turn the tables on donnie dining room over here you go is it all right if i call myself donnie dining room in front of you you can call yourself whatever you like brother okay a cauliflower uh Craft cheese face. How about that? I'll take, listen, when you... If you're going to let me... You can call yourself whatever you want. All right, how about scallop potato, Henry? I'm going to roll with it.

I'm going to roll with it. I didn't hear... Hi, I'm Danny Lopiori. Ever get the feeling you're being watched online? It's not paranoia. It's data brokers. These companies collect your personal information, including your browsing habits, where you live,

and even who you're related to, and they sell it to the highest bidder. That's where ORA comes in. ORA automatically removes your personal info from data broker sites and keeps it off. It also monitors the dark web, safeguards your devices, alerts you to real-time threats, and more. Start your free trial at ORA.com slash control. That's A-U-R-A-com slash control for your free trial. Do you say it?

I'm going to let you say it. I know, but you could at least, like, ask me a question or something and address me by my new name. How you feel in Scallop Potato, Henry? Not bad, uh, tarantula legs, Larry. There we go. Are you good with that? I'm good with it. My guy.

God, you have a warm smile. Do people tell you that? Uh, when I smile, yeah. It's really rare that you do. Yeah, that too. But since you've sat down, I've gotten, it's almost like I'm sitting with one of those yellow happy faces. hilarious well you know you you

you bring that out of me man do I bring the sunshine out of you absolutely it's almost are you a logo guy not really okay if I can throw a logo out I feel like the sunshine

on the box of raisin brand and you're like the little raisins on the side or the scoop you're like the scoop I'm the scoop the actual thing that picks the raisins out okay because we're smiling I'm the sunshine bringing the smile out of you there you go it's kind of

like a black-white context to it. You know, you're the bright sun and I'm the dark raisin. Okay. Okay. And think of it. Raisins represent what, my guy? Happiness, right? But what else? I don't know. All right. Let's roll the clock back. What's a grape? A raisin? Right, but it's a newer raisin. What's a raisin? It's an old grape, maybe half a century old. You beat me to it. I was just going to say it. You beat me to it. See, this is what we do at the Hall-Hawa podcast.

I see. We bring things that we, everything has a circle. Yes, yes. Now, when you smile, because I'm a wisdom-tooth guy. Okay. Like, I think I see one of them in the back of your jaw. No, no, no. So you got them stripped.

I got them stripped. Yeah. Now, when they took your wisdom teeth out, did you feel dumber? No, I kept the wisdom. Talk to me, player. Yeah, no, I just, I just, I. You know, they strip me up the tooth, but not the wisdom. Right.

So, you know. See, I've left mine in because I ain't none too bright. And so I'm worried if they take my wisdom teeth out, my cerebellum is going to cave in. Well, if you can say cerebellum, you're kind of bright. Yeah. Yeah. Should I say it again, do you think? It makes you feel good.

Can I do it in a sort of a wispy fairy voice? Please. There's no other way to do it. Cerebellum. Oh. I almost feel like that actress chick. What's her name? Everybody impersonates her.

She always plays the dumb blonde. Oh, coconut carrot. No, who? Oh, gosh. What a day. Oh, Jennifer Coolidge. There you go. The gays.

Yeah. The gays, they're trying to kill me. They're trying to get rid of me. That's as far as I go with that. Did you see her on White Lotus when she did that line? I have not watched White Lotus. Racist From what I've heard, from what I've seen

Come on, if it was Black Lotus, would you be watching it? Come on, guy. Probably not. Racist. A little too eclectic for my taste. Yeah. I didn't think I'd like it, but I watched it, and it's sort of addictive. I think it's deceiving because it's like white, what's white, what's white, and then you

watch it, I would challenge you to give it a, a challenge. chance because it sort of draws you in because it's just about relationships with people. Yeah. Maybe not. I can see it. No. I like relationship people things, but you know, nothing too abstract. Yeah. Too out there.

What would you say our relationship is? Me and you? Yeah. You know, the funny thing is as much as I've seen you in crossing at the Laugh Factory, this is the first time I've ever really sat down and looked you in

the pupils and talk to you. I'm not a teacher. I don't have pupils, but I do have eyes. I do have eyes. And I'm not a potato. What was my name earlier? Scallop potato Larry or something?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Maybe I have a potato. Hey, folks, summer is just around the corner, and the folks at MinMobile have a hot take. Getting a summer bot is out and getting your seat. Savings bod is in. This spring and summer, we want skimpy wireless bills and fat, fat wallets. And with premium wireless plans for just 15 bucks a month, you can have both without breaking

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Mint Mobile. Yeah, this is the first time we've really sat down, looked across the table at each other, broken bread, even though we don't have bread. Right. Where does that come from? Breaking Bread. Do you know? I've seen that show Breaking Bad, but what's breaking bread? Um, is that about a guy who's dying from cancer and start selling illegal loafs to support his family? Or maybe he's, he's, he uses bread to kill. Yeah. Yeah. Imagine if Breaking Bad wasn't about crack, but it was breaking bread and it was about it like a rogue baker. who made like this bread that was so addictive. Everyone needed it.

I feel like we could have, like we're having high conversation without being high. Yeah. That's what you get with Harlem Williams. Yeah, that's what you get. An LSD trip. Yeah, that's what you get. Any of you got a problem with it? You there in Dallas, Florentine from underface or over there in Cincinnati,

cardboard box, Billy. There you go. Yeah. I address my viewers by name. Do you really? Yeah. Okay. Hello to you guys. They're not going to answer back.

No, I just wanted to put that out there, you know. Hello to Nathan Negro in Chicago. Oh, to Nathan in Chicago on 24 Cantor Street? There you go. Oh, yeah. Hello to Nathan Negro. Did you say Negro? Yes, sir.

Yeah. To Nathan Negro on Q. What was the last part? The street. Oh, the Carthor Street. No, this is good, buddy.

And I want to make sure I get the, because I always say your name, you know me. I always get names wonky. I want to make sure I'm saying it right. Right. I don't walk around saying, hey, I'm Scorpio.

What's up? It'd be, it sounds like it'd be a cool name if you had it in the 80s and you were a cop. Or vice versa, if you remember, in the first dirty Harry. The Scorpions. Scorpion. No, Scorpio was the name of the serial killer guy. Was it really? Where Clint Easter goes, do you feel lucky punk?

Uh. Well, do you? And then boom, that was, I think his name was Scorpio. That was just a little bit before my time. I'm an 80s baby I'm a century old so you cover the 70s yeah

yeah I'm you know give me 10 more years I'll be you know I'll own the 80s wow you're just making a land grab yeah

own the 80s so Ares and where does that come from like how do you are you in Ares April 3rd So did your parents name you after the month you were born? I don't know the reasoning.

I just know that's what it was. And I just took pride in the fact that, you know, Eddie Murphy and I had the same birthday. You do? April 3rd, because that's my comedic hero. How old is he? 60-something. Wow.

Yeah. Why is he your comedic hero? 80s, baby. I grew up watching Saturday Night Live with my dad. Every Saturday night was appointment. TV and we would just watch him because we just thought he was the cat's meow man. But what was it

about him over any other comedian that propelled him to the top of your list? Well, you know before him was Richard Pryor who wasn't really my era it was my dad's era. Yeah. But being a student of the game you study everybody and you know

listen I've always said prior to the explosion of Deaf Comedy Jam, Hollywood only allowed one black man per decade. No. Yes. So you had, you had Dick Gregory in the 60s, Richard Pryor in the 70s, Eddie Murphy in the 80s, and then Def Jam exploded in the 90s, and then it was like, we got to tell America, show America, there's more than one funny black guy at a time. The doors blew off the barn.

Blew off the hinges. Wow, I never thought of it like that. Really? There was no one else with Pryor? No. With Bill Cosby? Yeah, but Cosby was kind of like, you know, in a, and a. different lane, so to speak, you know, storyteller, clean.

But still a prominent black comedian. Yeah. Got it, got it. But when you really talk about impact, impactful. Yeah. Richard Pryor, he eclipses Cosby during that era. Every third, second, maybe even first comic I ever meet, they go right to prior. Because he's the.

What is it I'm missing? I got to be honest, to me, and even George Carlin, who that was the, white version of him. Yes. Both of those guys, one black, one white, I respect that they were comedians, but they just sort of sit there for me. I got to tell you.

So what is it about it? Carlin sits there for me. Yeah. You know, he doesn't do it for me like he does. I respect the genius, because Lord knows his catalog is ridiculous. Yeah. But Richard Pryor is like the Babe Ruth, man.

The Michael Jordan. But what is it that made him that? That I'm missing. Because he came along at a time where no one was doing what he did culturally. Oh, you know what I mean? Like now all black comedians discuss race and go, black people, white people.

But Richard kind of was the blueprint for that. Oh, I see. He touched it at a time when it was sensitive, taboo, dangerous. So he did sort of what that one, what was that white Jewish comedian who broke all the barriers with language that got arrested? Lenny Bruce. So he kind of in a way

knocked down a lot of or presented barriers. He put into white America's face what and who we were. Right. Winoes. I mean, not to say that, no, no, no, but let me back. Hey, come on now.

Not to just point out the negatives. White's had enough winos, believe me. I'm just saying like, you know, what it was like to be in the ghetto and grew up around of winos and junkies and pimps and prostitutes and Johns, you know, he just, she gave it to you on a platter and said, look at this, you know, and it was raw, and it was, you know, it was, it was heavy, man.

And did you, could you relate to that? Did you come from a good neighborhood, a bad neighborhood? How did you relate to? You know, I was more of a huxtable than I was in Evans. You know what I mean? Okay. You know, like, like I, I, I didn't grow up into projects. Your family, you know, did all right.

Yeah. You know, we weren't dirt poor, but we weren't lavishable. obviously rich either. We were in the middle somewhere. So in that context, how did you relate to things like pimps and winos and junkies if you weren't privy to that physical environment? Listen, I grew up in Hell's Kitchen, West 34th Street, and right around the corner where we played, the kids played. Yeah. I remember I saw my first hooker giving a Chinese dude to blowjob. Literally around the corner from where I lived. Did you say that again? I saw a black hooker giving a Chinese man a blowjohn.

I just, I like if we could take a pause and just visualize that. If we could just take just a 30-second time out and just marinate and visualize. And was it in an alleyway? Was it by the train track? It was a parking lot. In a parking lot. Folks, just before we continue, a black woman. giving an Asian man a blowjob

well you said Chinese well potato potato you say tomorrow blowy blow job I mean when it comes to philatia we got to be very specific when we're painting an image quote a sexual image

so folks just if you could take a minute close your eyes break away from the magic that's happening or just picture Lingta wow standing in the park park, the parking lot.

Getting a blowjob by La Cretia. What was her name? Lucretia. It's some sort of Eisha. She's black. Take your pick. Keisha, La Crescia, Thinisha. It's an Eisha. Folks, if you can just picture Laquisha.

And just to soften the blow while it's happening. The blow. Lewis Armstrong is playing in the background. You say tomato. I see tomato. Let's call the whole thing. I see zippers down And dicks come out

My mouth is wide And I'm putting in her mouth And I think to myself Oh, I hope she swallowed And that's our moment of pause Thank you We'll be back after these commercial breaks By the way

Just the beautiful African American name So what's the one you said for the girl. Lucretia. Does that have, is that a real one? Oh, there's somewhere,

there's a Lucretia somewhere in some ghetto somewhere. I want to present, I think I created a list here and I'd like you to, it's a little quiz. Okay.

And you tell me if you think this is a African American woman's name or a honky, can we say that? I like honky. My dad used to say honky. Honky.

Yes. For the women. For white people. Oh, all across. I'll take that. Yeah. Look at me. You, you, you, you, you, you're a hunky, hunky.

I mean, I mean, I mean, you, that mean, good looking, broad shoulders, nice head of hair. You're a hunky, hunky. There you go. Hunky in the house. All right. Bananas, man. smile. I love it. I hope it appeal for me one day. You've got

a magnetic smile. Yeah, but I've been told I got a Malcolm X exterior. And I think... That's why it was kind of important for me to do this, because I figured the more white people I can befriend, so they can spread the legend that I'm

not the big, bad wolf that people think I am. Nope. You know? Not on my time. You're not. My man, Jay Moore loves me, Harlan Williams. Oh, beyond love. You know? Yeah. I think if we were to die at the same time, I'd wrap my arms around you and we'd go up to heaven as like it.

I would hope you would because if you do that, then I'm going to definitely get into heaven. Yeah. Because if I got a white man wrapped around me, I'm at the front of the line. Yeah. Yeah. Hell yeah. And if I got a black man wrapped around me, I'm at the front of the line. No, we're at the bottom of the pit, baby.

Why? Because it's just, you know. No. no I'm not letting you go there guy okay all right here we are you tell me if these are real if these are real names or fake names if or sorry if you can tell me what's the white name and what's the african-american name yeah kwanisha oh african-american there's a isha on that yeah yeah carol i'm gonna go white on that i'm gonna say it's a female huggy yeah yeah Shishaw-shank a redemption.

That's black mixed with Samoan. Shishaw-Schwank a redemption. Yeah. Okay. Barb. You know, that could be either. Really?

Yeah, I think that could be either. You know? I don't know. Have you ever met a... Black Barb? Easy. Dude. What? This is a name game. This isn't like, just settle down. How about Sassinibon?

Oh, that's definitely black. Matter of fact, that's a gay black female. And also delicious, if we can add a verb to it. Delicious. Yeah, if you could lick Sissinabon. And. Oh, that's as white as cocaine. Uncut. Yeah, uncut So six flags You know Hardly enough I'm telling you there would be some black people

That wouldn't even see anything wrong with some of this So the answer is White or black Hey where y'all going? Y'all going to Denny land No we're going to success flags Now that just sounded like a black girl with a stutter I'm talking about a name Okay

Okay, okay. Yeah, that's, that's, uh, that's, uh, that's, that's, uh, that's fine. Sue. Oh, yeah, white. Yeah. Cacufa. Woo. That's a black girl that stinks. Yeah. And last one, Larry. Yeah. I think that's a, yeah. Oh, my God. That's a white, well, by today's rules, that's a white girl, Larry. Yeah, that's a...

Probably on a basketball team or... Yeah. You know. Playing in a woman's sport. Yeah. Yeah. Good. You did pretty good.

I think you got them all. Yeah, man. Yeah. Hey, folks. How are your mornings? Are you used to that coffee? You get up, your jittery, you're anxious. You have to pound a coffee.

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That's right, up to 43% off Harland at M-U-D-W-T-R.com. After your purchase, they'll ask you how you found them, and please show your support for the show and let them know that we sent you, huh? Keep your energy natural and refreshing all year long with Mud WTR, because life's too short for anything less than clean, delicious energy. Talk to me about... And this is something I think we're both, because we fly a lot. Yes. Emotional support animals. What are your thoughts?

Do you have one? Are you looking to get one? No. Talk to me. I'm not an, I'm an animal guy, but from the standpoint of, you know, I've been to Africa twice, and I love safaris. What? So, you know, I go to the zoo, even though I don't like seeing animals caged up, really. Yeah.

But as far as like a pet guy, I fan of it. size about having a dog, but I don't want to clean up shit. Well, have you ever wiped your ass? Absolutely. You've cleaned up shit, my friend. Yeah, but there's a certain sensation when it's your own ass. Does it air are your ass? I don't know. I think it's rather smooth.

Okay, then yeah, you haven't cleaned up after a dog yet. Yeah. But specifically, like when you're flying. Yes. And there's someone, they've got a Dalmatian with a vest on or a cat with a, like, emotional support animals. Have you ever run into that? No. You haven't?

But if someone were to be sitting next to me with one, I would ask to have my seat changed. You would? Yes. Why? Because, you know, they bring the food out and the dog is right there. and he's sniffing and moving and, you know, I just, are you, it sounds to me, I think I know the answer, you're psychologically stable where you don't need said emotional support. Sounds like you got your stuff together, my guy.

At times, at times, and then at times I got my vices. But is there anything that makes you like unstable, you feel like you need like some kind of little squishy little critter to help you cope? Well, I got an emotional support animal reason. I get a little jittery now and then. I need to calm down. What do you have? You want to see it?

You really have one? Yeah. What is it? Oh, let me show you. Got it right here, my emotional support animal. Let me get them out for you. Tinkles, they call them. Look at this guy.

Look at that. What is that? It's a shark's tooth or something? No. Is that really a living thing? That's a clip. I got an emotional support clip. Is that moving?

Yeah. Look at that. It's an emotional support clip. Yeah, I see it moving now. Look that. Harlan, man. You need help. No, I got help.

It's right here on my phone. finger. I got an emotional support clit. Get the woman that's supposed to be attached to it. Do you love clits? Oh, absolutely. Well, dude, I got, this thing calms me right down. Like, if I'm on a flight and people are causing trouble or they're jumping around. Remember the cereal honey smacks? Yeah. I always thought that was like a bowl full of clits. Really? Yeah, when you look at them, it's like a bowl full of clits. And what kind of milk would you put on them? Well, you know, if I was fantasizing about a black woman, chocolate milk. Yeah. And if an Asian woman, then banana milk. Wow. Because it's yellow. What if it was like strawberry milk? I hadn't even thought about that. Yeah, that's when they're

on their period. Oh. Dude, look at this guy. And I never lose him because he leaves a little trail around the house. And I just let him crawl around on my finger. And I got him at, I got them at, where is it, clitty-critters.org. Nice. Oh. I just dropped my clit. Yeah, you did. My clit slid off.

Ugh. I mean, if you want to hold them. Nah, I'm good. I'm good. You don't want to hold my clit. Nah. Look at them squirming around. see the cutest little clit you've ever seen

860 bucks were you always wired like this like what like this well not always I was a little more stable but suddenly I needed a little emotional help and there it is

there's a look at the trail it leaves so it you know I can let it roam around the house or the office and it just I can always find it my little clit Oh, look at that clit trail Look at it go Oh my God Does that be honest

Is that one of the nicest clit you've ever seen Uh I'm not used to in moving Yeah Yeah Well it's an emotional support Clit I mean it's not like a normal clip Yeah

Yeah I prefer my clit It's what women attach to them. So you don't want them crawling around the house? Not on the table by itself. No? Nah. You're a little uncomfortable? A little weird.

Should I put my clip back in his cage? Please. Okay. Hey, I don't want you to be uncomfortable. Come here. Come here, tinkles. Oh, God, it's a slippery little clip. I can barely.

See if I can get in there, you. little jinxons there he is curious little clit isn't he yeah he just wants to see the world have a look yeah oh oh that's nice yeah yeah don't push my clit away I'm offering you my clit yeah no no you know you know it better than I do

you know self love self love wait a minute hold on guy we were hit we were things are going real well yeah I offer you my clit and you're just going to push it away I just think that you could love you better than I could love you you just pushed my clit away I'm pushing it to you you don't like clit is what I'm getting I love clit uh I just don't believe in another man's clit well maybe if you spend a little time with my clit uh I just turned into a Trump supporter Oh, speaking of Trump, my guy. Hold on. Did you hear the Saudis want to give them a $400 million jet?

Yeah. Talk to me. What are your thoughts? I take it. Yeah, right? Why not? It's a gift. So he sounds like he's going to take it. He should. There we go. I agree. How do you turn down a $900? How much is it?

$400 million. $400 million. I mean, and it's from the Saudis. Have you ever flown to Saudi Arabia? Oh, they, just their airlines, United Emirates or whatever it's called. Oh, I've seen them on. Oh, you feel like you're riding on Dolly Parton's butt crack on a Bakersfield Thursday night with a fog bank rolling in. With some P. Diddy oil. I wasn't going to say it, but I'm glad you did.

But are you a skeptical guy? At times. Let me, and I don't want to be skeptical. I mean, if somebody toss Daddy a $400 million gift, Daddy's going to take it. Yeah. But earlier in the show, we talked about history. Yeah.

We talked about centuries. Uh-huh. I even mentioned the shrouded turn, which dates back to the times of Christ. Mm. Ari, let's talk about... Aries. You said, Ari. Ares is the first astrological sign in the zodiac spanning Martyrus.

21st to April 19th and is represented by the RAM Harry's individuals are known for their fiery courageous and advantageous personalities they are often seen as confident passionate and energetic with strong desire to lead and initiate new products

they don't like it when people say their name wrong and they've been going to punch them in the face and stomp them with their football shoes are we cool bro we are safe man okay Aries.

Aries. Ares. Exactly. Call me Scorpio, bro. Scorpino. Yeah. But here's where I'm going to throw a little skepticism on the gift. Tell me if you think I'm being paranoid, a conspiracy theorist.

I think it's fair to say that the relationship with Saudi Arabia and, And the United States has been at times contentious, maybe a little dangerous. It was people from Saudi Arabia that flew the planes into the towers. So there's a history there. There's a history there of some violence, of some mistrust.

Do you remember the historical story of the Trojan horse? Vaguely. So there was an empire with the king and the enemy wanted to make peace and they built a giant wooden horse as a gift and they rolled it through the security gates of the castle hiding inside were hundreds if not thousands of Greek soldiers.

Yes. And they waited till nighttime. They opened the bottom of the horse. They all came out and they slaughtered and they took over the kingdom. Now based on that contentious relationship that's taken place over the centuries with the Saudis and America.

Here's a $400 million jumbo jet, decked out to the gills, probably hundreds of thousands, if not millions of working electrical components, pieces, parts, nuts, bolts, aeronautic equipment. Now you've gifted the most powerful man in the world, the most powerful country in the world that has inflicted pain

and power and dominance over your little country. What I'm suggesting is what if somewhere deep within that giant aircraft? There's a hundred Saudis. That's possible. But much more detectable. Right. But what if there's just a little tiny chip

buried in the millions of wiring and electronics where one day the Saudis know the president's up there and they go, ding, we got them. And I don't want to sound mean. I don't want to be disparaging towards the Saudis, but I'm like, I'm a little suspicious that with the history and the past and the war and the terrorism,

I don't know if I'd want to take a gift that's so big you could hide something. And you know how small things can be. now. I mean, they've got electronics. They can send down into your heart and into your eyes. So somewhere within that giant beast, there's a little thing. Remember just recently when they blew up all the guys in the Gaza Strip with the pagers. Yeah. Beep. Like what they kill? 150 guys that were all carrying the pagers. Right. So what's to stop something to be hidden in this $400 million treasure? And it's like, they know that if they want to eliminate,

the most powerful man in the world at any time. It's just, okay, boop, we've had enough. Because I would never fly in the plane unless my people checked it out. I can't do a good Trump. I think you just did. It was an attempt. You know what?

Do it again, and I'll blow you up in the middle of it. That's funny. Ready? Yeah. Go ahead. I would search the plane and make sure, but see, I can't die because I'm Donald Trump. You can blow me up a thousand.

times, and I regenerate other and over. God, damn it. Wow. But isn't that a consideration? Listen. Is that something you thought of or people have thought of? You know, uh...

In today's world, I think it could be a possibility. Anything's possible. Anything's possible. And I'm just scared. I don't want to be skeptical. I love it when countries gift each other. Do you remember the other huge gift we got? Which was what? Parle vous Francé, Monsieur.

I'm not up on my French. Somebody gave us a huge gift from France. She stands in the harbor in New York with her arm high in the air. That bitch. Well, I'll take her name Statue of Liberty, but that bitch works too. That bitch of liberty.

There you go. But hey, maybe there's a chip buried in the Statue of Liberty, it would have happened by now yeah and she probably she looks like a rocket she probably would have just lifted off yeah yeah like you you hit the button on her she's going to uranus

not uranus no because that would hurt if she leads with a torch yeah yeah yeah or is it a torch ah depending on what beefy oily chest haired man you ask in Santa Monica it might be a gift

it might be a fun time on a Saturday night oh my God So anyways, this is just a theory. Yes. And I think it's a little scary, but I feel bad pooing on here's this country offering up. And anyone in Saudi Arabia who's watching my show right now is probably going, hey, dude, lighten up, we're offering you a gift. But I guess it sounds like that, though. Yeah.

Oh my God, America and Infidel. I'm giving you gift. Yeah. Why are you pooing on my gift? Yeah. Yeah. That's more accurate. Thank you.

So anyways, I'm just saying. saying, it's a possibility, and I'd be a little leery in today's chaotic, violent world. Isn't it sad I even have to think like that? To be leery with a lear jet. Yeah. And on that note, let's start the show. Ladies and gentlemen, here we are. Welcome to the Holland Highway podcast.

Ari Spears is here. Yeah. And comedian, actor, writer, producer, what am I missing, guy? Talk to me. Well-endowed philanthropist. What's a philanthropist? Because my viewers and I don't know that word. Is that a spider?

Is that a dinosaur? That's what you feel brought up. You philanthropist. Oh. In my name, we call it feel-assthropist. Yes. Yeah. A lot of different spins you can put on it

Yeah Buddy welcome to the show Thanks for being here So we officially started? We just started that Have you ever heard of a cocktees or foreplay? Oh my God Yeah that was just like sort of foreplay

We got a warm We got to get the crowd warmed up We got to get a moist We just got a moist guy Look we had we had a clit out here We had you doing Trump We sang Louis Armstrong If they're not wet by now,

I don't even think a Tesla vibrator would help them. I mean, would you agree we got them moist? Oh, yeah. I think we got them a little bit more past moist. I think some of them are blowing bubbles. Yeah. Ari, Ari,

Ari. I've never done anything like this. What? Talk to him, an old friend. This experience. I've never done anything like this. Isn't it wonderful? It's different.

It's very different. I want to continue on the Trump theme. One last thing. Because, you know, he built up the military. Right. Like, what, he put $32 billion into it. And, buddy, I think it was all a waste of money. I think if we get attacked by Russia, from Iran, from China,

you know what I think? All he has to do? Release the monster. They open the gates and Baron walks out. I mean, how tall is that freak? He just walks across the ocean, steps on Iran, puts it out like a dirty cigarette butt. Am I wrong here?

I'm trying to remember the name of the song by this particular artist. Release the monster. I think Trump is misunderstood. I think all he wants to do is just dance and eat chocolate and dance the candy statins. What's that song of hers? I got to find it. I know it's on my phone.

Find it. Yeah. Dig, dig deep. He just wants to dance in the Oval Office and eat chocolate. Yeah. You know? Who doesn't really? You know?

I'd love to break into that building and just dance on his desk. Hey, everybody. my merchandise at Harbling.com. Yeah, most people just slap some letters or images on a t-shirt or a hoodie, but not me. Yours truly, guess what? I draw my own designs at Harbleng.com. You can see tons of my hand-drawn t-shirts.

You can either buy the original or you can buy a print, and man, oh man, wear them loud and proud. I love making these designs for you guys and keeping it personal. So check out the whole catalog. We got hoodies. We got coffee mugs. We got t-shirts. You name it. It's there at Harbling.com. Get your Harland original design, wearable art at Harbling.com today. And thank you for your support. And I'll just keep the groovy images coming. All right. Talk to me, Guy. I've been hogging the fucking air. What's going on in your head? What's beefing you? What's tearing your cancer cells out? What's flipping you upside down like a Cirque du Soleil whore? I mean, talk to me. I mean, um, Guy, nothing really. Okay, let's move along. Now, uh, wait, what? Oh, no, you, oh. I just, oh. I just, you, oh. I just, I just want to try to accomplish this goal of mine

and get this comedy movie off the ground. Here we go. See? Yeah. Talk to me. Comedy movie. Here we go, folks. Not even on my list.

Let's go. Talk to me. It's a comedy about slavery. Okay, let's keep going, shall we? Release the monster. You keep that talk out. I'm pulling the clit back out. Okay, I'm done.

No, I want to hear it. A comedy about slavery. Yes. Black slavery, Egyptian slavery. Black slavery. Okay, well, you went to that pretty fast. There's been a lot of slaves.

You could include the others. Why is it always got to be all about the blacks? We didn't have other slaves. Yeah, but, you know, we were there, you know. And you're black, too. Yeah, there you go. Okay, talk to me. Is this something you've written?

Is it something you're planning? Wait, what? Final draft has been written. And I got to be honest. Listen, it's a cross between Django, blazing saddles, and Tropic Thunder. Wow. And as I was driving up here, I was going, the one overseer, Harlan Williams. I think there's a part in there for you to pull off, man.

Because you got that, you got that kind of zany comedy that's just unique and different. Talk to me, guys. And so taboo is this, you need a strong amount of just ridiculous, funny. Yeah, I don't care. I'll walk into anything. Yeah. Wait, is there a name for this movie? Slavery, L-O-L.

You know, when the title's funny, you're already ahead of the game. Yeah, I think so. Slavery, L-O-L. Is there emoji in the title or is it just L-O-L? It's just L.O.L. Okay. It's not the happy face with the tears. No, no, no. Wow. And what's the, what's the catalyst for this movie? Where does it come from? Why? Because I feel like it's just never been done before. You know, we've seen, you know, and I'm more or less when, like, look, I've seen the Jewish community take their most horrific tragedy and poke fun at it in certain

ways with Hitler and stuff like that. And I'm just going, why haven't we done that? You know, because you can't tell me that for 400 years, slaves didn't laugh at all, one of the most natural human instincts. Yeah. You laugh, you know? As tragic as that was, there had to be some laughter in there.

Because if you don't, you die. You don't deal with that pain. It's so interesting, you said, when you said that, it just conjured up images of when you're living on the plantation and you're probably squalered into these small huts. I really do wonder how much humor was needed to survive, get through those days. You're right, that's a very interesting avenue to go now.

So wait a minute, so are you talking about just kind of the slavery and sort of conversational humor? Are you talking about a broader, like, physical sort of airplane, naked gun slant to it? Both. So broad, just kind of taking the piss out of it, but also kind of just. Yes. Interesting. Intellectually smart, funny.

Yeah. Yeah. And you're the star, of course. Of course. And do we have a character name for the star? Um, uh, Tom. I think this script hasn't been written. I think I'm being lied to.

It's absolutely been written. Now, I'm picturing a movie with you as the lead. And I'm on the-in-a-in-in-a-parking lot where the- Chinese? I'm on the Bader plantation. So my master's name is Master Bader. Of course. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. And at what state, because you know, you know how it is in Hollywood, my guy. We all have, you probably have this script and probably four other ones buried, or at least if not written ideas. It's hard to get something made in this town. Well, that's why you have to go independent. Yeah. Yeah. So where's it at in terms of,

of being realized? I have meetings with investors and some people that are going to help try to put this together. Okay. Because when you get the powers that be involved, they take the wind out of your sales creatively, and I don't want that.

In order for me, for this to survive, I got to be able to do this my way. Yeah. So I don't want any suits to come in and say what I can and can't do. Are you interested in directing it? No. Okay.

I know that's not my first. Forte. You've written it. You want a star in it. I've had some writers write it, and I'm going to star in it. And have you sort of in your mind attached any other talent, other, your co-stars? My best friend, I want desperately to be played by, and who I'm very cool with is comedian Godfrey. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. And I also talked to Jeremy Piven, and I sent him the script as well, because I think there's something in there for him, too. How did he react? He said, I'm all for it. And Godfrey's on board?

Oh, yeah. Yeah. So then if we get Harlan Williams, you know, maybe a couple other. What would my role be? Again, one of the main evil overseer. I want to be a slave. And we want to be free. So we don't all get what we want.

Wait a second, guy. It's a slave movie and I don't get to be a slave. I'm sorry, Harlan. Dude. Yeah, I know. Please. I know. Please.

I'll think about it. Please let me be a slave, please. I'll think about it, brother. A white slave. Think of that. That's comedy right there. A hunky slave. One of the guys on the plantation is a white slave for whatever reason.

And we don't even call attention to it. Yeah. He's just there. That could be really funny, actually. See? Somehow there's a white freaking slave, and he feels just as suppressed as the others. Even though the Massa is clearly favoring them, giving him better meals. He's in the field with us.

Yeah. Yeah. What's a, do you know a slave song? You started it. Oh, Lord. Down by the river. My back being hurt and I've been bending down, picking the cotton all day long. All day long.

My sister and my brother. Yo, sister, and your brother. Oh, they've been sitting up in the plantation drinking lemonade. Well, I'm out here breaking my back all day long, day long. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Guess I won that round. You did. Wow. Wow. See, I could be a white slave. I believe you could. Dude, thank you. Thank you for this.

You got it. You know, here's what I love about podcast. Yes. You get together with an old friend. Yes, and it's like a jam session. Right. Like, we're two jazz. Like, I'm Miles Davison, yet the loniest monk.

And who knew? If we didn't come together here today, I never would have known I could have been a white slave. You see, I'm here to tell you, honky. What was that last part? Honky. I kind of like it. You know what I mean?

Honky slave, darling, honky slave. Oh, Vida, Sen, I'm your honky slave. You know what? I think I can't celebrate this alone. I'd like to bring my clit back out. Please don't bring the clip back out. Please, please, please, please let my clit celebrate in my slavery's dums. My slave dums.

Oh my God, it's gone. Dude, the clit is loose. Do you see a trail anywhere? No, and I'm not looking. I'm not kidding. Oh, there he is. Ah! There's my little clit?

Oh, God, look at the little fella. I see trees are green, skies blue. I wish you'd take that clit and put it to use. Put it in the toilet and flush it down. What enough. You just asked me to flush my clit down the toilet. Yeah. Have you ever said words like that in your whole life?

Uh, no. That's the beauty of us hanging around. The Harlan Highway. Pongat. Sometimes I say it with us, Cajun accent. Okay. Are you sure you don't want to hold my clit? I am a thousand percent sure.

The way you just whispered it was sort of sensual. I just, you know, you're like, I'm a thousand percent. Oh, goodness. Uh-oh. Dude. Oh, my clit just fell off. Oh, goodness. Dude, did you hear my clit splatter?

Just spattered on. Was that a clit splatter noise? Yeah. There you go. Did you know your whole life that you can do a clit splatter? noise? I've learned a lot of things about myself in this last 40 minutes. Yeah. Yeah. Tell me about your calm demeanor. In your home, is your world chaos? Do you have a family? Do you have kids? I have kids, but they don't live with me. They live with their mother. So you're there

alone. How do you maintain like a pottery barn, synecacran candle calmness? How does Aries. Aries. Well, it's my podcast. How do you maintain your mojo or your vibe or whatever it is to stay centered? I'm actually into scented candles. What flavors? I like forest.

There's a forest kind of smell. Oh. Have you tried the gump? No, no. The lemon cake is nice. Hawaiian breeze. Wow. Wow. Yeah. And then, you know, some vodka. Oh, vodka's sending candles. No, not just vodka and candles.

Just vodka and candles. Some of those, those scents, what was the couple of them, the lemon? The lemon cake. Yeah, a lot of those, if you can't get a candle, folks, a lot of these scents can be replicated if you do a Dutch oven. Really? Yeah. I didn't know that. Yeah, you just pull the blankets up over your head. By yourself? Yeah, and you just fart. That's like a suicide Dutch oven. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I didn't say they're not strong. Oh, look at my clit. He's crawling towards daddy. Oh, angel clit. Look at the trail. Oh, can I take a video of my little clip? Oh, God. Oh, come on, guy. I'm so proud. It's my, it's my... It's my... Hold on. Look at them.

My little... My little... clit crawling toward daddy. Oh. Oh my God. Look at the trail he's leaving. Good little clit. He's coming right at me. Yeah.

Oh, look at that clit trail. What? Sorry. I got a little, it comforts me. I got that. They get carried away. I see. You don't mean to,

let me put them back in his cage. God. There it is. Yeah. Before we go, Aries. Supposed to say yes, Scorpio. Oh, yes, scallop potato man. Dude, I hope your movie works.

That sounds like a great. idea. That's a funny idea. If anyone's out there watching, help him get that movie made. Yeah. Our final segment, my guy. It's called

Words from a Wooden Shoe. Basically, it's an authentic Dutch clog. You reach in there, there's random words, see if that word triggers a memory from your journey, someone you met, something that happened to you, and you can tell our folks

a little story. Words from a wooden shoe. Here we go. Circus. Oh, wow. Here we go. Everybody's been to a circus or knows of a circus, I think. The last time I was at a circus was Ringling Brothers and Barnum.

How do you say it? Ringling Brothers Barnum and Bailey. Circus. At Madison Square Garden when I was seven. Wow, here we go. Yeah. Talk to me. And?

I don't remember much about it, except that, you know, it was a circus, you know? Yeah. Some bears, some clowns. Wow. Some popcorn. Some cotton candy. Yeah. Yeah.

Who were you there with your folks? Yeah, my mother took me and my sister. Oh, yeah. Any events, any strange occurrences? Not really. Really? Yeah, not really. It wasn't something that really stuck out in my mind, stood out in my mind too much. Well, if you made one out, just so that her... Oh, uh...

What happened? What? I was gang raped by three clowns. So, folks, I just want to say, our friend Airy Spears is here, and will you tell the book? folks, where they can see you, where they can catch your con. He's one of the funniest guys on the comedy circuit. Let them know where they can go. This is your time. My website, ariespeers.com, for all my dates where I tour all over the country all year

round. And then I have a podcast called Spears and Steinberg, available on all streaming platforms. Our YouTube channel is Spearsberg Pod. please hit like and subscribe and I always tell people we're like 600 and something episodes in but start from the beginning that way you follow

the evolution of the show the characters the callbacks the jokes and we didn't get on YouTube until probably two years in just because we were late we were late to the party so if you want all the episodes from 1 to 600 and something

you have to listen on any of the streaming platforms but if you want to want to watch us, you're going to be, you know, 200 episodes in, so you won't get it all. But it's like masturbation and potato chips. Once you start, you can't stop. So binge. Don't be intimidated by that number, 600 and something.

Binge. Look, guy, I don't want to end, like, pooing your, but have you ever eaten potato chips and did the other thing that you just mentioned at the same time? It hurts. How do you think I season the chips? What flavor are your chips? Rippled or regular? Oh, rippled.

That's what I thought. Folks. Oh, my clit's about to crawl off the edge of the table. Hang on. Oh, my God. Hang on, just before we go, Ariz. Hang on. He's going away.

Aries. He's going right over the. Like clit's going right over the... Ah, I fell! What? It fell. What fell? You clit.

So rude. Ugh. Folks, that's it for today. Right here on the Holland Highway podcast. Aries, thank you so much. What a great time. I'm glad we got to spend time alone together, conversing. Yes.

Instead of just doing shows and passing like ships in the night. you know let's show our support let's hope aries gets his his movie uh go on and uh that's all we got time for today until next time everybody chicken chowmaine and we'll see on the dark side of the moon pink floyd oh you want to wait till the song runs out or just end it yeah you're right hey everybody how would you like your very own personal video message from me, yours truly. It's your birthday, it's your anniversary, it's your graduation, or you just want me to make you laugh. You get to pick the topic, you want me to discuss, give me some talking points, and off we go.

You can get it for yourself or get it for a friend. It's super easy and fun. Just go to the Cameo app on your phone or to Cameo.com. And I record a custom video made just for you or your loved one. your very own personalized Harland. Ever get the feeling you're being watched online? It's not paranoia. It's data brokers.

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