The Harland Highway - AUNT RUTHY reads Curious George to Harland

Episode Date: January 13, 2016

Hey Premium Members, hope you enjoy this special moment where Aunt Ruthie reads the classic children's book, Curious George, to Harland. Enjoy! And thanks for being PREMIUM!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, hey, hey, premium members. How are you? Happy New Year premium members. So glad to have you here. Thanks for being premium members. And as you know, being premium members, you get special treatment. You get special material than no one else gets to here except for you premium members. And this is a wonderful heartwarming segment where, as you know, my Aunt Ruthie calls into the show a lot.

and I never talked to her. She always leaves me these long-winded phone messages. She always seems to get into trouble. And so I thought I better finally call her back and just check in. And lo and behold, it turns out, this is so heartwarming. When I was a little boy, she used to read me curious George books. And I got on the phone, and she got sentimental and asked if she could read some curious George to me. You know, hopefully it's going to be nice,

but I always worry about Aunt Ruthie. She's a little bit off. So she did leave me that message that she wanted to read me some curious George. Let's get to her phone call. And Roger, can you hook her in? Okay, Roger is dialing her number right now. And premium members, I hope you enjoy this phone call between me and my wonderful Aunt Ruth.

Ruthie up in Brooklyn, New York. Okay, she's on. Okay, Roger's signaling me. She's on the line. Let's pick it up. Hello, Aunt Ruthie. How are you? Oh, hello, little angel.

Listen to your voice. You sound like an angel playing a harp in the middle of a cloud full of dandelions and lemonade. Okay. Well, how's Uncle Harry, Aunt Ruthie? Oh, Uncle Harry's good. He's having his afternoon nap, little angel. He's laying down. He's resting his psoriasis scabs. He has four or five of them all up and down his legs. He looks like some kind of, almost like a couple of giraffes walking side by side when he wears shorts. What do you mean, Aunt Ruthie? Well, he's got these goddamn psoriasis scabs all up and down his legs. And, you know, he spotted like a fucking giraffe.

or a leopard or something. I mean, when he walks around the house, it looks like a couple of giraffe necks crawling around the floor. I mean, it actually makes me feel sick. Oh, my God. Has he got his ointment? Well, I put some oatmeal on his legs. Uncle Harry says he, the oatmeal takes away the itching from his psorias,

this little angel. Have you ever put oatmeal on your legs, little angel? No, I am Ruthie. I haven't. Well, if you ever get these big, red psorias scabs with the dry skin and the flaking and the posse. Try putting some fresh oatmeal on. Okay, Aunt Ruthie, I get it, I get it. Oh, you're such a sweetheart. How's everything down in the Hollywood? You're making the movies and the television's angel? Well, you know, right now I'm getting ready to do a comedy tour. Oh, that's so funny. Oh, you like my...

No, I'm just, I say it's funny because your uncle Harry and I, we never found you that funny. And I guess I find it funny that you're actually, do you're making money doing this, are your little angel? Uh, yes, Sam Ruthie, I actually make a living at telling jokes and being funny. Okay, I can't tell if you're joking with Aunt Ruthie right now, because I find it hard to believe that someone is boring as fucking... Aunt Ruthie, if we could just get on with her, you said you wanted to. Oh, that's right. Listen, Angel, when you were a little boy, do you remember when your mother had to go to the, you know, to the clinic? Well, yes.

And, you know, she'd go for a few weeks of the time. Sometimes maybe a couple of months at a time. They put her in that funny little room. Yes, yes, Aunt Ruthie. And you'd have to stay with me and Uncle Harry, and I would remember. I would put you on my lap and I would read you the book about the little hairy monkey who got into all kinds of mischief and whatnot. Yeah, I remember Curious George.

It was my favorite little book. And you know, well, Angel, I almost well up with tears when I think about the time we spent together you with your little mop-top and your freckles and your diaper sticking out from under your pants. Well, okay. And I was wondering, a little angel, I missed those times together, where we sat together, just you and your Aunt Ruthie. Well, I remember them sort of Aunt Ruthie. And I was wondering if, you know, if maybe possibly I could just, you know, well, we're on the phone. I could read you one of the curious George stories with that little hairy fucking ape.

Well, I think he's a monkey, Aunt Ruthie. Whatever. He looks, to be honest, he looks on me. To me, I've never seen so much hair. Aunt Ruthie, now let's... Would you mind, little angel? Would you mind if I... If I just read to the story of Curious George, just one of them real quickly.

We'd do Aunt Ruthie's harder world of good. Well, that's a little awkward, but... Oh, don't be so shy, little angel. Come on, you little fuck. And Aunt Ruthie! Come on, let Aunt Ruthie read. to you curious george i mean look look at this hairy little fuck he looks like a baby robin williams he's got so much hair all over okay aunt ruthie yes go ahead and and then i've got to i've got to get

going i've got things to do i understand your hollywood heart shot little angel okay here we go curious george and i'll read you this story and then i'll tell you what the picture says you mean what the picture looks like whatever excuse you you. No, I mean... Can I read, please, Little Angel? Yes, yes, Aunt Ruthie.

Go ahead. Okay, here we go. This is George. He lived in Africa. He was a good little monkey and always very curious. And on the picture, he's swinging around on a tree

eating a banana. But, you know, if you ask me, it looks like he's sucking a yellow park if you ask me. Aunt Ruthie. I'm just saying it's a very phallic image, and the monkeys got this fucking naughty grin on his face. Like, he just came from like a monkey gay bar, something.

Aunt Ruth, can we? Okay, let's keep going. One day, George saw a man. He had on a large yellow straw hat. The man saw George, too. What a nice little monkey, he thought. I would like to take him home with me. uh hello can we get an amber alert in the african jungle this fucking perv wants to take the hairy little boy

aunt ruthie well i'm just saying i mean i find it a little queer that you know a guy first of all who has a yellow hat around what is he a beekeeper or something i mean this this guy's wandering around in the woods looking for hairy little monkeys if we could just keep going Aunt Ruthie. Okay, here we go. He put his hat on the ground. And of course, George was curious. He came down from the tree to look at the large yellow hat.

And then there's a picture here, and it's all. Have you ever seen that show, Little Angel? You've been in Hollywood. You've probably been on it. To catch a predator? Have you ever seen that show, Little Angel? There's a picture of this guy, and not only is his hat yellow, he's wearing, like, a yellow jumpsuit and yellow shorts.

And he's looking up at the tree, the little hairy bastard. And then it's almost like he puts his hat out, like it's a trap. Just waiting, he's hiding behind the tree waiting for this little fucking hairy Armenian monkey. Aunt Ruthie, the monkeys aren't Armenian. I know, Angel, I'm just saying, because the hair, they're both very hairy. Well, that's a little rude. Can I finish here? Go ahead, Aunt Ruth.

the hat he'd been on the man's head George thought it would be nice to have it on his own head he picked it up and put it on now do you see that they used the word head twice and that got me thinking maybe this pervert with the yellow hat wants to give the monkeys in the head he wants to take the little monkey penis

put it in his mouth and roll the tip of it around on his top and Ruthie can you not can you just stick to what's written on the page. Well, I mean, you don't have to yell it to Ruthie. I'm just trying to

read you a story, Holland. Okay, go ahead, please. The hat covered George's head. He couldn't see. The man picked him up quick and popped him into a bag. George was caught. Oh, my God. What is this? It's almost like sex trafficking

with a hairy little... It's not sex trafficking. Well, there's a picture here. He's got his hat over the monkey and then he's got him tied in a bull up bag hauling he remember when you were a little boy and your uncle harry brought home a whole sack of potatoes in a burlap bag he remember that and he cut them open and they all dropped out on the driveway and you thought your uncle harry had done some dinosaur shits remember you love dinosaurs when you were little boy and you saw like 78 potatoes bouncing around on the driveway

and you thought you were you said in your cute little voice you said Uncle Harry do Tyrannosaurus shit Remember that And then Uncle Harry pulled you by your ears And slapped your ass to like glowed pink Like Rudolph's nose

Yes I sort of remember that Are we near the end here? Well you don't have to get snappy all right Can you keep reading please Aunt Ruthie? The man with the big yellow hat put George into a little boat, and a sailor rode them both across the water to a big ship. George was sad, but he was still a little curious. And, oh, my God, in this picture, we got a sailor in a rowboat,

and the pervert and the yellow has his arm around the little monkey as they sit in the back. Oh, my God, this is like a child abduction here. Unbelievable, Holland. And Ruthie, it's not a child. It's a monkey. it's a muck can you fit hold on holland

hang on oh my god your uncle harry starting to wake up did you hear him coughing yes i think i heard that oh my god

did you hear the flem in his throat oh god i've got to go run upstairs to the medicine cabinet and get the mucinix if i don't give him a mucinix alland i swear to god

green fucking mucous dribbles out of his throat it's like forms lily pads on the floor around the house. What are you talking about? I'm talking about the mucus coming out of your uncle Harry. If I don't give him the mucinex, he drools, he coughs up big splats of green flem and it looks like goddamn lily pads all over the house.

It's undolded it. Oh, God, there he go. I got to go, Holland. So you're not going to finish the story? I don't have time. Your Uncle Harry comes first, but it was so nice talking to you. I'll call you back, Little Angel, and finish the story soon, okay? Oh, my God.

Oh, there goes a lily pad right on my... Oh, right on the fucking hardwood floor. Disgusting. Okay, Am Ruthie, I'll let you go. We can finish the story another day. Thank you, Little Angel. Aunt Ruthie loves you. Goodbye, little angel.

Oh, my God, oh my God, there's lily pads everywhere, mucus lily pads. Oh, my God, Aunt Ruthie, you better go. Oh, God. Oh, boy, okay, so there you go. My Aunt Ruthie calling in and reading Curious George to me, and now I feel a little traumatized. Does she gone, Roger? All right, good.

I mean, not good, but wow. Pretty disturbing and odd. I guess she's probably going to want to call back at some point and finish the story. Unfortunately, I hate to say it, we got distracted by Uncle Harry's mucous lily pads. But so there you go, premium members. I hope you enjoyed this special moment, this special phone call. between me and my Aunt Ruthie and the reading of Curious George.

Once again, thanks for being a premium member. Tell your friends to get on board so they can enjoy this craziness as well. And until the next premium member shout-out, chicken chow main, baby!