The Harland Highway - BIRDS HAVE NO EARS! And, lets sit on a bird nest #14

Episode Date: July 6, 2022

Harland wonders why birds have no ears, and he also does something unexpected with a dozen eggs! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

You're riding down the Harland Highway. All right, hold tight on the Harland Highway Show. Harland Williams. Oh, yeah. Well, now that's right. That is absolutely a guarantee. 100% ride. Welcome everybody. Welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome your face, welcome your body to the only road that matters, the only highway, the only asphalt, your ass needs to be on the Harland Highway podcast.

We go down life's roads. We exit here. We exit there. Wherever we see something interesting on the road of life. we take that exit ramp if we need to explore it. But before we get motoring, please, let me take this moment to first of all say thank you for being here, the people that have been coming back and to the new people, welcome. I hope you stay along for all the episodes. Please subscribe right away. We want to build, look at my subscribers. I think we're at 4,000.

I want to get up to 100,000. I'm not hiding it. I'm not making any bones about it. I'm in your face. We want to get up over 100,000. So tell your friends, tell your wives. I know many of you have many, many wives. And hit the little bell so that whenever yours truly post something, you get dinged.

And all that cool stuff. But that being said, let's get going here. Yeah. We'll do it all again. Yes, yes we will. And I want to start with eggs. Believe it or not, we should all be able to relate to eggs because didn't we all sort of come from an egg when you think about it?

A little spermy and a little eggy got together, like a little wiggly tadpoli. spermy thing, found its way to an eggy thing, and shouldn't that be a dish at Denny's or at IHop, the spermy eggy thing? It certainly sounds like it fits. Yeah, good morning, sir. What can I get to? Well, I'm in Holland, I've been hauling lumber on the road all day, and, oh, I could use a good spermy eggy thing. Yes, sir, would you like it over medium, sunny side up, or dripping from a clean X. So anyways, I want to talk about eggs because I think we've all come from an egg.

Unless you're a test tube baby, I understand there's probably some test tube babies here. And I don't know that test tube babies got to do the whole egg thing. I don't know if they got the whole fruity-toity, fresh and fruity. I don't know if they did the full moons over my hammy or the French slam. By the way, the most obscene thing you can order it, Danny. Yes, so could I have the French slam, please? And if possible, I'd like to get it from you. You're very beautiful.

But so I'm not sure the origin of test tube babies, and I know I've looked on my statistics, and I know we have quite a contingent of test tube babies that like this show. I don't know why. I think on the demographic chart, I think 60% of my viewers are test tube children. Interesting. Interesting.

But anyways, we want to talk about eggs because I did something very unusual recently with some eggs. And, you know, when you think about an egg, you think about the shape, you think about what it harbors inside. You think about the concept of an egg, you think about there's life inside and things emerge from that egg and that weird shell. And I think we've sort of all blocked that out. I think we just kind of go to the grocery store and we're so accustomed to buying a dozen eggs all there in a row. And we come home and we crack them in a pan and they sizzle. you know, they just sizzle and whizzle and dizzle-wizzle. I wonder what Snoop Dog's fried fried eggs sound like.

Whizzle, dizzle, my shizzle-dizzle? I don't know. I've never had breakfast with Snoop Dog, can I guess? But where I'm going with this is I don't think we really, examine eggs. We just kind of buy them and we do it numbly. We go, oh, eggs. We buy them, we fry them, we scramble them, we cook them, we eat them. And I don't want to turn anybody off of eggs, but if you really take the time to peel back the egg blanket and examine eggs, it's kind of a little bit creepy because think about what you're doing when you're cracking an egg and you're scrambling

it or you're frying it or you're you're piercing that perfect yoke with your with your toast and you're dipping your toast into that yolk and you're sopping up the yolk as we'll call it for now and then putting it in your mouth like a warm greasy pudding but let me challenge you a bit here. Let me push your buttons and it might be a bit cringe-worthy, gang. Might be hard to swallow. Might not be palatable, as they say, over at my dinner club in the valley in Glendale at the holiday inn on Sundays at 7 o'clock. All you can eat garlic bread. But think about what you're doing when you eat an egg. encased in an egg, in the safety of that shell is an unborn. And I know you're already going, oh, God, don't, don't do it, Harley.

Don't, don't tell us what we should know, but we don't really want to know. Okay, too bad. Sometimes the exit ramps on the highway Harlan take you to dark places and places where you have to look in the mirror and go, not only do I have seven zits, but also I'm going to find out about eggs. encased in that white ivory shell is a life form. It's a, for lack of a better term, it's a baby chicken that hasn't really formed yet. It's all the elements, all the ingredients, all the DNA and the molecular entities needed to form a life. If you didn't make yourself an egg McMuffin or a full moon over my hammy,

there would be a wild bird running around, pecking and eating and crowing and making more eggs. But we stop the process. And so this is a hard word. I know it's hard to hear this word, abortion. But are we not just really for breakfast, eating ourselves some abortions? Aren't we cracking open the egg and out comes this unformed, unborn baby bird that should be climbing trees and skipping rope and playing hopscotch with its friends in the schoolyard? Shouldn't it be having spring break and hanging upside down and drinking beer bongs

and throwing horseshoes the way living things are supposed to, friends? And I don't know what that was, but I think it needed it. I think we needed that kind of physical accent on what I'm talking about, because abortion's a hard word to deal with. There's nothing pleasant about the word abortion. But if we're being honest, when we're cracking open a yolk, when we're cracking open an egg and it plops into the fry pan, and you fry it up and you slap it on your English muffin.

And by the way, I don't know why they're English muffins. Seems a bit racist. Why can't I go in and buy a Chinese muffin? Why can't I get an Indonesian muffin? Why can I get a German muffin? Can I get myself a muffin from Uganda over here, please? Can I get an East Indian muffin? Hello, I would like a muffin, please.

Would you please put my egg on an Indian muffin? Why do you always bring me the English muffins? I'm not English. I don't want an English muffin. I'm Indian. I want an Indian muffin. Take your white, pasty-faced English muffin. And as you say in England, piss off.

Anyways, so are we slapping? an abortion on our breakfast plate and I know this might ruin breakfast for everyone but we have to ask these provocative questions we're on the Harland Highway we're not on the Mr. Rogers show gang I didn't put on a little sweater

and some loafers to start the show no I put headphones on and I presented you with this this miracle worker So here we are and you've got an abortion on your plate, an unborn chicken child, a baby, unborn chicken baby child that will never, that will never caca or pack it little grains on the sand or scratch with its little feet or run around and look like it's mental. Nope. You're putting an end of that. The minute you crack, it's a little safety ship. It's a little white safety ship. And now you're frying it up, the unborn infant child. And you're putting salt and pepper on it. What if one day your fried egg sneezes, you put some pepper on and it's like,

Achia, you're like, holy shit. And then you lift, you flip the abortion, you do the other side, and then you flip it out again, you put it on your English muffin. And then you get your other piece of bread and you dip it in the yellow. part of the little chick. You know, think about those little fluffy chicks and some of the cutest creatures on God's good planet. Fluffy and little black beady eyes and running all around.

And now they're on a piece of toast with butter. And you're dipping some wonder bread into its melted face. Just eating it up like a pile of goop. And again, I'm not trying to turn you off of eggs. But I think I might have. But anyways, I hope you can get past that. But I felt like we had to kind of look deep into the world of eggs for you to understand where I'm going with this. Because what I'm trying to tell you is sometimes I think we just take eggs for granted.

And I was guilty of this. And so I went to the grocery store the other. other day. And where I live, it's a place called Ralph, or as I like to pronounce it, Ralph. Don't you love a food store that's a, that's, that's nickname is vomit? I mean, all, all you can think about is you eat food and then when you get sick or you get drunk, Ralph. I mean, why not just come out? Hey, I'm going over to, uh, pukes. You need anything? Yeah, I'm going over to a, to, to the barf store. You need anything to eat? Going over to Hurls.

Going over to a toilet chunks. You need anything over there at the old Ralph's? Ralph. Um, so anyways, I'm over at Ralph. I can't even say it now. I sound like a bullfrog that just a blue heron was standing in a swamp, and a bullfrog came up to look for a fly, and a blue heron with its long,

pointed beak just boom, zapped it right in the watertight asshole. And that frog just went, boom, Ralph. Or not, but I digress. Let me get to my egg story, will you please? So I bought the dozen eggs and I brought them home and I'm unpacking my groceries from Rouse. And I looked at the eggs before I put them in the fridge

and I had all these epiphanies. All the data that I just rambled off to you. I was like, wait, there's lives inside these casings, these white, crackly casings. And all these years, I've just been eating them and digesting them and shoving them and shoving them inside me and wait, stop.

Hold on. Time out. And that was a Volkswagen Pesat skidding to a stop at a four-way intersection in Fresno, California, a Dodge minivan at the other stop sign. and a kid on a bicycle at the other one.

See, I, folks, you think I just make this stuff up. But I'm a very detail-oriented person, and so when I deliver a story, the details are very important to me because I've been there, I've seen them, and I need to convey those to you so that you can, in turn, envision what I'm talking about crystal clearly.

So I look at the eggs, and I go, my God, do I eat another dozen? Do I ingest another dozen chicken abortions? Or does Daddy do something that maybe only God can do? Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex? No? Yes, yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex.

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H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Does Egg Suckin' Daddy decide to do

something God-like? And guess what, gang? Egg-suck-and-daddy decided to play God. So instead of putting those chicken eggs, those dozen jumbo-sized chicken eggs in the fridge. Yours truly went outside. Into the yard, I gathered twigs.

I gathered leaves. I gathered old bird feathers. I think I found an old blanket from a homeless guy. I gathered strands of string that I found. I gathered an old Snickers bar wrapper. I gathered all the, all the, ingredients needed to make a nice, healthy-sized bird's nest. And I'm not a bird.

I'm technically not aware of all the materials they use, the building materials of the Great Osprey or the Golden Eagle, the California condor perched up on its high cliffs. I'm not aware of what materials they make their nest with. So if there's an old prosthetic rubber arm that one found and a, you know, a bag of onions, I don't know what they make their nest with, but I took what I could find in the yard. Chunks of old garden hose, a wig. I found someone's wig in the yard, a bra, a beautiful bra and some silicone.

I found chunks of silicone and mucous fibers from the mucous fiber family of fiber families. And in my living room, in the middle of the living room, on the floor, egg sucking daddy started to build. I mean, I started to put a nest together, and it was confusing, and I didn't know where everything fit. It was like trying to put together an IKEA bed. You know, IKEA, you go and you buy these things and your eyes are full of wonderment and expectation and you can't wait to go home and assemble your Swedish furniture and then you get there and you put it together and a bed. A bed looks

like a refrigerator and a rocking chair suddenly becomes a fish tank. You don't know what you're doing with IKEA. But so goes it with the construction and the architecture of a bird's nest. And not being a bird, not having any feathers, I slowly started to build this nest. Okay? And with my new adopted God syndrome, I held up those dozen eggs and I looked at them and I said, on this day, my child's, You shall not perish. On this day you shall not know the warmth of a tea-fowl frying pan. On this day, you will not know the sensation of being suffocated by an English muffin. On this day, my child's, you shall live.

And so I carefully placed the dozen eggs in my newly improvised bird's nest. Two of them actually sat very nicely in the bra that I found. Those cups are perfect. And for three weeks, I didn't leave the house. I didn't go to work. I didn't cut the lawn. I didn't go and get my nails done. I didn't go get my liposuction treatments.

I didn't go and get my new tramp stamp. I was going to get a new tramp stamp of Betty and Willis. Wilma Flintstone doing a lesbian act on my back. Betty Rubble and Wilma Flintstone just tangled up like a couple of fighting cats, just their tongues and their orifices all over each other like an octopus sucking on a conch shell. I forwent or foregoed all of that and I sacrificed my time and my health even. I fasted. I barely drank anything

and by God people I sat on my eggs I sat on my eggs from RELF and I nestled them and my buttocks I wiggled my buttocks around on them and I jiggled my ass flab

all over those eggs and I made sure they were comfortable and secure and safe, and they knew that daddy was protecting them overhead, up above. Daddy sat on his eggs. And for three weeks, patiently, meticulously, I sat on those eggs in my cramped bird nest. And on day 22, day 22, I heard a sound. And I heard, and I was like, I heard a crack.

I heard a crack in one of the eggs. And I stood up off my nest, my legs numb. I could barely stand. The circulation, one of my legs was purple and pruned and looked like, you know, if you dug up the grave of Penelope crew, It would, this one of her legs would look like that. And is she even dead? We don't know.

We don't know. Our team is out researching right now. And so I stood up and I looked down on my 12 children. And I saw the eggs starting to crack. And then another, like one by one. It's almost if they knew the timing. and they started to crack and all of a sudden a little beak popped out of one of the eggs

pop, pop, pop, and then a little head and then a little, and before I knew it, look, look what emerged. A little yellow chick. A little yellow chick emerged. Little tiny yellow chick emerged. And just looked at me with its little beady eyes and I knew it was thinking to itself, Daddy, because when birds emerge from eggs,

they get impressioned with the first thing they see. And so I was the first living, breathing thing that they saw, and these chicks suddenly knew that Daddy was home. And boy, oh boy, I don't know how many of you guys out there have ever given birth, probably not a lot. but in today's society, apparently men can give birth to babies. So I don't know how many of you have, but it's a new thing. Apparently, men can give birth.

We just started that. But yeah, we just decided it's a new thing that men can now give birth and get pregnant. And just decided it. Thought it was time that we thought we thought we should do that. But so here's my kids. my 12 beautiful bouncy kids and here's here's where it became the most gratifying and then we'll move on but this is what made it the most gratifying and I think this is why every parent has a child it's that moment when you come home from work you've had a long day or you're working in the

office you're stuck in your cubicle you're out there in the Brussels sprout feet raking and harvesting. You're picking onions out in onion country, wherever that is. You're harvesting, cutting celery all day with your chaleli, you're plucking pomegranates. Who knows what you do, you people, you industrious people. But when you take that long drive home and you've got sweat running down your brow

and you've got ants crawling in your hair and you've got tree fungus slowly spreading across the the perimeters of your underpants. You get home after that long day and there's two things you want. You want to kick the door open and you want to smell dinner cooking in the kitchen

and you want your kids to come running to daddy. And so now here's what I do. gang, and this was probably the main selfish reason I hatched those dozen eggs. When I come home from a long day, working down in the lumberyard, I walk to my front door, I stick in the key, I raise my right foot where I wear my Birkenstocks. I bought them at Lilith Fair years ago. They had a little booth set up, Birkenstocks, Lilith Fair.

Sarah McLaughlin branded Birkenstock sandals. And I kick my own door in, and I take two steps in my front door. And you know what I do? I just throw my arms. I drop my briefcase. I throw my arms in the air, and I go, hey, where's my peeps at? Where's my peeps at? And guess what?

Look at this. Oh, my God. They just come running. All my little yellow, they just come running to daddy. Peep, peep, peep, peep, peep, peep, peep, peep, peep, peep. Where are my peeps at? Peep, peep, peep, peep, peep, peep. They're just running all around at my feet and climbing up my leg and picking lice from my eyebrows.

And some of them go in my ears. and they make little shapes with the wax, the earwax. They make little funny shapes, rice bombs and coconut cream pies. Who knew little chicks loved earwax? And, oh my God, where's my peeps at? Peep, peep, peep, peep, peep, peep, peep, daddy, peep, peep, peep. And all those weeks of sitting on that nest, sometimes with that garden hose going in the wrong hole. to come home and yell, where's my peeps at?

And to have my chillins just come running around my feet, peep, peep, peep, peep, peep, peep, peep, peep. Yeah, that's where my peeps are at. Rated daddy's feet where they belong. And when they get old enough in about another nine to ten months, when they mature, they'll find a new home in, daddy's stomach when he broils them on the barbecue. Okay, let's move along.

I think I better have a swig of the good stuff. Kind of got a little dark at the end. Went a little, you know, here I am a loving, nourishing dad, and suddenly at the end I'm Jeffrey Dahmer, Colonel Jeffrey Dalmer, KFC, Dahmer. But once you, Well, that's the strong stuff. That's 100% proof right there.

This is from Jamaica. But that's the beauty of this stuff. It doesn't matter what you say. Trucker mouth, controversial, outspoken. This power wash just burns it all away. Anything you said, anything you might have. said or we're going to say, just burns it all away and you cleanse the palate, you're free to start again. But, well, we stick to the topic of birds. I have a question. And I think you guys

might want to know the answer to this question. So let's roll the promo for the Harland Highway question of the day. Roll it. The Harlan Highway, question of the day. Okay, here we go. The Harland Highway question of the day pertains to birds. This is a bit of a mystery. But have you ever noticed, and this is the official question, have you ever noticed that birds don't have ears? Has it ever bothered any of you that these little chirping, quacking things don't have ears?

Have you ever seen a bird's head? Right? It's just, it's smooth. You see the eyes, you got the mouth. I don't see any ears. And if you don't believe me, look at the ostrich. The ostrich, the biggest of birds, it's freaking bald. If you'd think you'd see the ears, it's bald. It looks like a giant running penis with wings. I mean, have you ever seen an ostrich running across the plane? of Africa? I mean, if you catch it just in the right light and on the right angle, holy God, that big, I'm not trying to be rude,

but it looks like a running seven-foot penis. Just flying across the ground. I think those penises run at about 60 miles an hour. Just fully, the head, fully erect, Just the whole pink shaft, just flying, just running. Oh, God. You do not want to be out on safari in Africa and accidentally drop your wallet or a bar of soap.

Because you bend over there and one of these flying, running, six-foot earless penises comes at you. Boom. You know how they like to stick their head in the sand? well, you bend over and, uh, whew. Yeah. You thought you were adventurous in the bedroom and every now and then you did something a little kinky with the wipe for the husband.

Sure, but wait, do you have a, way do you have five and a half feet of ostrich head up your, uh, your, uh, your, uh, you know, Swiss oven or whatever you want to call it? Oh, yeah. I mean, not only would they be up there, but these birds are powerful. I mean, their legs are thicker than, you know, Charles Bronson at a Rose Beep Festival. I mean, they could slam their head inside you, man or woman, we've all got orifices, gang. Hello. But if an ostrich slammed his head up your orifice, those birds are powerful enough just to lift you up.

And now you got a giant ostrich body running across the plains of Africa, and you're like, sitting. It looks like you're getting piggybacked by the thing. You're on its shoulder. And you're lucky if its head doesn't come out of your mouth because those birds are big. They need to navigate. So now you're kind of sitting on its back. It's giant four foot, five foot pink penis neck has gone right up your orifice. Its heads popped out. And it's just using you. You're getting used. I'm not going to say ostrich rape, but I will say OR, and those initials mean something, and I'm not talking about, you know,

onion rings. Might be talking about ostrich rape. And I'm just saying, be careful. But anyways, my point is birds, to the best of my knowledge, and I'm no Audubon, okay? Uh, I'm no Discovery Channel. I'm just a guy sitting in front of a sign that says the Harland Highway. And I got my peeps with me. But I cannot, for the love of God, see ears on a bird, even the bald ostrich.

If you can find the ears on a bird, then somebody show me. Maybe I'd like to even order one on a menu at an exotic restaurant. just to hammer the point home. You know, there's restaurants out there, gang, where if you look hard enough, you can order weird stuff. Okay, I've been to restaurants where you can order crickets,

deep fried crickets. I've eaten a scorpion. You can, I've been to a place where you can eat deep fried ants. You can get, you can get bat wings. You can get, you can get jellyfish. You can get sea turtle teeth. I mean, there's just about, But you show me one restaurant on this planet that serves bird ears?

Uh-uh. No, sir, doesn't exist. If one of you out there can shoot a duck and get your hunting knife and cut me off an ear, or as I call it, Van Gogh, a mallard. And for those of you that know art and for those of you that know your duck species, that'll come together real nice. The rest of you are probably just going, Van Gogh Mallard, what, what is, what, what?

I think it's time to shut this podcast off. He's talking in circles. Van Gogh Mallard, what does it mean? But thank God for you hunters and you art people. You'll put those two together and know what I mean. And somebody bring me a bird here. That's all I'm saying. I'm making a statement.

I'm making it proud. I'm making it strong. somebody bring me a God-forsaken bird ear because I don't for one believe they exist until I see a bird ear bird to me birds have no ears I need proof bring me an ear don't bring me an ear of corn

don't bring me an ear lake eerie don't bring me some guy yelling ear ye ear ye the girls are nude you know Don't do any type of other ear thing. I just want, God, I am just reaching. Aren't I, and my children are here watching, and they're like, Daddy, are you not well, Daddy? And I'm like, shut up, because you're going to be barbecued in about seven months.

But think about it, too, a lot of birds, how about the Robin? Have you seen the Robin Red Breast? And by the way, how long is that name going to last in today's woke culture? We've actually given a bird, a name that includes the word breast. No, no, no. Nope, gone. But the robin, or the robin red breast, which is his full Christian name, if you've observed the robin, these birds, their diet consists of words.

worms. They are experts at gathering worms. This is their form of sustenance. This is their life nourishment. And I just say nourishment. Very flowery because it's fun. It's a full word. It's a full sounding word unlike lump. You ever hear the word lump? Look at the lump over there. There's no effervescence. Lump, right? but nourishment or whatever the word I said. That's a goody. That one you can get behind and be dramatic. You can Marlon Brando that till your fucking toenails fly off your feet form of foot and kick you in the teeth. But take a robin.

Okay, robins land on grass, which is very soft. You know, they land on the grass. And then what they do is they proceed to tip toe along the grass, and they listen for their food under the grass. Primarily probably, you know, six, five to six, 12 inches below the sod. Here's a creature with no ears walking along the grass, listening. Now here we go, listening for a creature that to the best of my knowledge, makes no fucking noise at all.

Has anyone here ever heard a worm? Have you heard a worm scream? Have you heard a worm sing? Have you heard a worm fart? Have you heard a worm sneeze? Have you heard a worm do anything? They're lubricated. They're silent.

They travel seamlessly through earth somehow. And somehow a creature with no ears but a giant red breast can land on a foot of grass, listen through the earth's crust to something that makes no noise, peck its face into the grass, and pull out a giant silent worm. Now, what's going on, folks? If you tell me, if you don't think the Russians are up to something,

if you don't think North Korea is espying, If you don't think Iran's not somehow involved in robins and bird ears and surveillance, you need to shove your head in a blender, get some frozen blueberries, and make your face into a smoothie, and then shove a straw in your ass and drink your own face. So something's up. Something's not right with the birds and the ears and the hearing and the silent worms. How?

What? What? What? Hey. What? No. Who? What now?

Hey? Whoa. What the no? Hey? You know what I mean? That's what's going on in my head right now, as it isn't yours. So, uh, yeah. It's, uh, it's tough.

Something to think about. Think about my children. Think about the birds. And if you need to make a nest to help you ponder, it's very comfortable. It's almost like a nice lazy boy chair. You can sit in your nest and try and figure this stuff out. And that's the Harland Highway question of the day.

Do birds have ears? The Harlan Highway. Question of the day. Wow, okay, so that was, you know, there was some tough stuff in that last little bit there, you know, to go through. We opened the show with abortion, and we got into so many delicate areas, and, you know, it's all under the veil, it's all under the umbrella of comedy. You know, some of you are probably going, wait, comedy,

What comedy? I just see a moron rambling into a microphone. He hasn't said one sensible thing yet. Okay, fair. Checkmate. You got me. But there might be the odd, disturbed individual, primarily test tube children, that really get what I'm doing and are laughing their asses off. Peep. But comedy, you know, there's a switch in my head that goes, should I even mention the word abortion?

Because this is the environment we've created now and no offense, little guys, but we're in an environment now where we're walking on eggshells. I said no offense. Okay, well, fuck you. You're out of the family. I just kicked one of my kids out of the house.

Fuck you. I got 11 more. I'm not taking, I'm not taking lip, from a creature that doesn't even have lips. It's got a beak. Don't give me any lip. Gone. And you're gone.

Two more. Two more just left the nest, as they say. But comedy's become kind of this weird, delicate dance now. And I'm going to tell you this. I'm going to peel the comedy curtain back because I've been doing stand-up comedy for, God, I hate to even say this out loud over 30 years. maybe 35 years. I started in the early 80s, and I've seen them all. I've seen them all come and go.

I've worked with everyone from Bill Cosby to Robin Williams to, I mean, Sam Kinnison. I can go on and on. I've worked with. I've worked with. I've seen great guys. I've seen crappy guys. I've seen the best. I've seen the worst. I've seen the in-between. But at the end of the day, stand-up comedy is an art form. and really requires freedom of expression and requires, you know, comedians to push buttons and test things and say things that might seem outrageous. And I'm not saying that every time that's justified, but if we don't try, if we don't, if we don't go out onto the edge, you'll never know. And if we're not provocative, then how do we ever test the boundaries of you and society?

and that stuff's important, man, because the needle's always fluctuating. It's always moving. But lately, in particular, it's become very tense, and my point was that a lot of comedians that I work with and that around me, you hear this kind of language that you never heard before, ever. And I just want you folks watching to know

that this is how all this woke stuff and all this social posturing is hurting, basically, I wasn't going to say it's hurting comedy, but I'm going to say it's hurting you. And here's why I hear a lot of comedians from high level guys to mid-range people to low, who

are like, I want to say this, but I can't. Or should I say this? Or, God, I'm worried if I say this, so I better not. So in other words, you've got a lot of comedians now in the last, I'd say this just started happening in the last year and a half, two years

that are censoring themselves. they're pulling back, they're not taking the chance. And I'm not saying all of them, but I'm saying a lot of them are. And whether it's one or whether it's 300, it's not a good thing. That's like scientists in a science lab going, well, I want to put this enzyme into the petri dish with the other enzyme just to see what happens, but I better not in case it bothers someone. No. We as human beings, our ingenuity, our creativity, we have to keep experimenting and trying different

mixtures and recipes and cross-pollinating things. And yeah, sometimes we might get an explosion and sometimes we might get someone angry at us. But if we stop doing all this stuff, where are we? We're just like a blob of nothingness, right? And so the reason I say it's hurting you, people, not that all of you are responsible for hindering comedy, but what I'm saying is this kind of overly sensitive, socially, politically correct environment. There's these woke, like warriors that are looking to cancel people and take them down. What it's doing is it's, in many cases, it's depriving you, the public of seeing what you used to see completely pure and unfiltered and carte blanche. And so regrettably, a portion of the comedy world is being

stifled by all this fear and all this finger-pointing and all this stuff. And it's tough to see. I hate seeing fellow comedians second-guess themselves or not try a premise or try a joke because they're afraid of the backlash or they're afraid of the response of the crowd. Stand-up comedy and music and art on all levels, that's exactly what it should be doing. Getting backlash and experiencing reaction, whether it's good or bad or delight or anger. Art should always be provocative and pushing the medium, whatever the medium is, music. there's never an excuse for hate crimes or hate speech or maliciousness. You know, when you maliciously go after people or a group or a thing or an entity,

well then to me that's when it starts to go beyond art and just becomes mean-spirited and cruel. I think art should be with good intent but also be provocative. And to give you an example of this phenomenon that we're going in, you know, it's like, you know, you go out on stage to do a comedy set now. And even simple, like kind of generic comedy in the old days. Remember the old days when people would do a joke or they'd do comedy? It'd be like, okay, so who else they are a joke?

Okay, cool. Here we go. These three guys walk into a bar, okay? A white guy, a black guy, and a Jewish guy. And now it's like, whoa, wait a minute. Wait, what, what, what? Now you can't throw ethnicities around. And by the way, those jokes with the ethnicities or the religious groups or whatever,

they were always fun and goofy. Whoever was involved in the joke always got the butt end of it, whether it was the Mexican guy or the white guy or the Asian guy, everyone in the three-tiered joke always became the butt of the joke. It wasn't always just one group, you know, looking good in the joke and the other one's looking bad. It was always just fun, innocent, hey, we're different cultures, we've got different sensibilities, we have different things in our culture,

here's a joke about it. But now you can't do a white guy on Trump. Jewish guy and a Latino guy walk into a bar. No, no, no, now it's got to be. Okay, so these three guys walk into a bar. A, uh, a, yeah, and, uh, and, uh, walk into a bar and, and you know what? Now that I'm thinking of it, now we can't even say gender anymore. I just read, we can't even say three guys.

We have to say these three bundles of molecules and bone and fiber and enzymes and chromosomes walked into a bar. The first bundle of the building blocks of life and DNA, a, and the second mass of DNA, and the second mass of DNA, complex molecules, a, and the third mass of whatever we're made of. And by the time you get there, you just can't even finish. You're too exhausted. And so you can't even get to, some days you feel like you can't even get through a harmless

joke. So I'm just saying, be careful what you wish for, all you social warriors and you cancel culture people. Because you might cancel yourself right out of a good time. You might cancel yourself right out of having a laugh now and then. And what's more important? You posturing up and showing the world how socially aware you are or sitting back on a Saturday night and watching a funny movie

or going to a comedy show and just letting the laughter release your soul. We live in a complex, tense, confrontational world where there's enough anger and animosity going around. Good Lord, without laughter, where would we be? So be careful about how much you want to.

put a cork into the comedy bottle. Good timing. Because if you shut off the laughter, man, what else, what falls next? And speaking of falling next, I think I've got to take my peeps out for a walk. I think we've been talking long enough. And when I say we, I blame you. because I could hear some of you talking while I was trying to talk. But I think we covered a lot of ground here today. I think we're well-versed now on birds and ears and comedy and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But again, don't forget you guys, please subscribe to the Harland Highway if you haven't already.

I think the subscription, it's a little, it's the little logo. It's the Harland Highway logo over. in the corner. If you click on it, it'll say subscribe and then you subscribe and then that helps us build the show and we can make it bigger and better. Got some fun guests, interesting guests coming up very shortly for you. I think you're going to like them. And don't forget, if you want bonus material, please, of my old format of the Harland Highway podcast, it was audio only. All I did was sound. It was into a microphone. You couldn't see me. But one of the aspects of the old Harland Highway audio podcast, and I did over a thousand of them,

I used to do a lot of characters. I did a lot of voices, and I had a whole library of characters that would call into the Harland Highway. And essentially what I'd do is I'd talk to them as me, but then I would talk back to them as the character through the phone. So it was basically me interviewing myself. And to give you an example, one of the characters was my Aunt Ruthie from Rochester. And so she would phone, I'd be like, hello, and she goes, oh, hello, baby, Angel Cake. It's Aunt Ruthie from Rochester. How are you, Angel Pie?

I'm like, I'm fine. Oh, I miss you so much. Are you having fun down there in Hollywood? Yes, Aunt Ruthie, I'm doing really great. How are you? Well, I sprained my knee the other day, and my ankle flew up and kicked me in the the uterus you know just these ridiculous improvised um sketches that i used to do but i just don't find them appropriate visually i don't like doing them on camera because it's for me it's theater of the

mind you know what i'm saying so you just seeing me do aunt ruthy there was a very rare and special treat oh get over yourself you stupid anyways um so what i'm saying is um i have an account called a Patreon account, and this is a digital platform where I can upload extra footage, I can upload audio clips, I can upload artwork, I can upload whatever I want, and it's called Patreon, patreon.com, and if you go to Google and type in Harland Williams, Patreon, you can join that page and get some of these classic audio skits that I did with all my characters. I also record new ones specifically just for the Patreon page and all the fans you also get a first look at a lot of my new artwork when I draw my new t-shirts and now you're even getting the podcast if I can do it in

time you get the podcast the video podcast two three sometimes four days before the rest of the world gets to see it on YouTube so please go and join the Patreon and get the bonus stuff and have some more laughs and it's very cheap and if you don't like it you can always get off of it she said and and so there you go and so i'll leave you there with that everybody go sit on your nests keep the babies warm and thank you so much for being here great to see you great to have you tell your friends and we'll be back next time And until next time, everybody, you know where I'm going with this. Chicken.

Chow main, baby.