The Harland Highway - BRAD WILLIAMS gets Snow White naughty and as a result gets stuffed in a box and FedExed to Canada!

Episode Date: May 19, 2026

Pre-order WINGMAN now on Apple TV, coming out May 26th! : https://tv.apple.com/us/movie/wingman/umc.cmc.nfzru25awp5jnendhudhjw9t This episode is sponsored by Cheers Health, Inc, Quince -Refresh your wardrobe with Quince. Go to Quince.com/HARLAND for free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. - Same night out — way better morning with Cheers. For a limited time our listeners are getting 20% off their entire order by using code [HARLAND] at CheersHealth.com. #Cheers #ad Thanks for watching the Harland Highway. More Harland Williams: Harland Highway Podcast Video: https://www.youtube.com/c/HarlandHighwayPodcast Harland Highway Podcast Audio: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-harland-highway/id321980603 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/harlandwilliams Harbling Shirts: https://www.harbling.com Official Website: https://www.harlandwilliams.com Twitter :https://twitter.com/harlandhighway?lang=en #podcast #harlandwilliams More Brad Williams: X:https://x.com/funnybrad?lang=en Website:https://bradwilliamscomedy.com/ Instagram:https://www.instagram.com/bradwilliamscomic/?hl=en 00:00 Intro 00:15 Williams Highway intro 06:13 23 and Me 10:00 Sending Brad Williams to Vancouver 15:00 Autoerotic Asphyxiation 20:00 Puppy Play 25:00 Brad's Darkest Fantasy 30:00 Committing to the Dwarf 35:00 Dog Sledding 40:00 Shooting Guns 45:00 Height Adjustment Surgery 50:00 Brad's Nutty Feet 55:00 Size Difference 1:06:00 Kids 1:10:00 Largest Animal 1:15:00 Wooden Shoe 1:22:00 Shipping off Brad Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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BetMGM operates pursuant to an operating agreement with Eye Gaming Ontario. Hey folks, before we get started, don't forget, it's coming up soon. May 26, my new movie Wingman with Jamie Kennedy, Kayla Wallace, Russell Peters, Evan Marsh. My guys, it's going to be a fun one. Crazy comedy. I play a wacky wingman that teaches young nerds how to score. So check it out. It'll be on Apple.

You can pre-order it right now. Just look at the link below. May 26 and then coming out on most of your other favorite streamers. I really hope you watch it I really hope you enjoy it Put a lot of love and blood, sweat and tears Into the movie So thank you so much

Wingman, May 26 But I wonder if with your nutty feet With My nutty feet You're nutty in betweeners Uh huh Uh huh Yes sir

we're back on the highway we're back on the Harland Highway I think for this episode that one and only time we flesh out and call it the Harland Williams Highway because the Williams are here exactly

that makes it ours instead of just mine yeah it's the Harlan Williams Highway oh let me hit the theme so this has never been done okay a lady and gentlemen I do guarantee now that's right

you on the highway you on the Harlem Williams How way, ladies and gentlemen. Wow. I love that. You know what you sound like is you sound like old school NWA wrestler Dusty Rhodes. I do? Yeah, Dusty Rhodes.

He was the thund of a plumber. He had a flat lift. He talked like this. He breathed lightning and he crap thunder. Dusted Rhodes. Wait a minute. If you can do that, why aren't you doing the intro? Let's do it again.

All right, all right. All right. All right, all right. All right. All right, all right. You are into now the Holland Highway. We are mowing down the road with a lot of good laughs. We're going to have a lot of fun.

Oh, these are hard times. But it's not hard times when you're laughing, brother. Oh, this is sweet and sassy. Oh, and, you know, Brad Williams, Harley Williams. I don't know if they're cousins. I don't know if they're going to be kissing cousins, but they're going to be laughing cousins. Let me tell you, hot times, brother. Hot times.

Oh, I do guarantee. That's right. Wow, that's a first, bro. Yeah. Thank you. What a great. intro. A little dusty roads impression. Dusty roads, dirty

trail, greasy alley, whatever you want to call him. He'd the son of a plumber. What were his kids names? Were they like like motorways too? Like 405? No. 101 to Bakersfield? Were those as children? Well, he had a dustin.

Dustin. He had Dustin roads. Dust bin. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then he had Cody. Oh, that doesn't fit. Yeah, Cody Rhodes. But now he's the champion. He's the champion of wrestling.

Was Cody Rhodes? Because I know those wrestlers go through a lot of pain. Was he on codeine when he sort of... Cody on codeine? Inceminated his woman. That might be his podcast. Cody on Cody. Cody on codeine.

And where he just takes a bunch of codeine and he sips the syserp. Yeah. And then he comes on and the more he sips, the more he's got the lift, But the more he talked like his daddy. Yeah, it's just a romantic night. You got Dusty Road with his beautiful wife Mountain Trail. He's on the Cody. They do it.

And nine months later, Cody comes out. Christian name Cody. Right. Yeah. Cody Road. Yeah. Wouldn't that be something if people who overindulged in life, like people who are, you know, like Van Halen and Aerosmith,

like these guys that just partied, You know their kids were created out of a drunk one-night stand. As a sort of way to shame them, they had to call their kids like Holiday in Bakersfield or Red Roof in Tampa. So like Dennis Rodman's like, this is my daughter. Dairy Queen Alley. Dairy Queen Alley, Illinois Rodman. Yeah, right. Yeah, yeah.

I think that would be a good way to maybe cut down on unwanted pregnancies and stuff. Sure. If you had to name your child after the substance they were conceived on. Yeah. This is Sizerp Anderson. Yeah, yeah. This is cheated on your wife, Johnson. This is cheated with your wife at a Ramada Inn in Cleveland Johnson. No, not the Ramada Inn.

Yeah. Yes. Yeah. oxycodone Howard Johnson Smith. Or what about Robert Downey Jr. in his day? He would have had a kid. His full name would have been oxy cotton, cocaine, Vicodin, heroin. What's his last name?

Downey Jr. I forgot the last name. Downy Jr. Which is what you would do if you were on all those substances. Right. In fact, no, it would have to be Vicodin, Oxy, cotton, heroin, cocaine, oxy downer, junior. Oxy Downer Jr. He's a downer, not an upper.

Wow. So just, you know, for all you guys out there, wrap it up, be very careful. Speaking of wrap it up, my guy. Okay. So my guest today, Brad Williams, like he said, we don't know if we're genetically linked, if we're family, we haven't done the 23 and me yet. And I hope we are related. We should probably do the 23 of me because I can finally get some of that bare naked ladies money. Yeah.

I can finally get some of that puppy dog pal money. Oh, yeah. Wait, why am I giving up mine? I want some of your money. Why am I the provider here? And when you say 23 of me, do you mean 23 inches of me or do you mean?

Yes, yes. It can only genetically test 23 inches of you. Okay, okay. So hopefully those 23 inches are related to me. Okay. But yeah, and then you would get some of that sweet spinal tap two money.

Are you in spinal tap two? I am in spinal tap too. No way. Is it out? It's out. It's streaming on HBO Max. You can watch it right now. Oh, dude, I want a piece of that.

Yeah. I want some of that final tap money, play. Yeah. I got to do a scene with Sir Elton John. Well, I think a lot of men have done a scene with Sir Elton John. I did. Did he knight you? He did.

Or did he bite you? Oh, he knighted me. And he didn't use the sword. if you know what I mean. Sir Lancelot. Yeah. Wow. And we filmed it.

Wow. And we put it in the movie. So you, what was your scene with Elton John, Sir Elton John? Because he's a knight for some reason. Like, as if that guy's ever going to be in battle. You know what? Imagine seeing that guy charging across the field on a horse. I'm a rocket man.

Like, no. I would love to go to, have you ever been to the medieval times? Yes. I would love to go to medieval times and have Sir Elton John. I would be in the Sir Elton John section, waving my banner with the huge glasses and a rhinestone shirt. It would be wonderful. And just him, he just knocks. When are you going to fight again, Sir Elton?

Well, it's going to be a long, long time. Yeah, and I feel like you've got these knights coming out with the ball and chain with the spikes and the giant lances. And I feel like Elton, no effect. but I just don't think he's suited to gladiator fighting. No. I think the best he could do is with his giant glasses, sort of like X-Men, you know when you burn

ants on the sidewalk? Yes. I feel like he would be like he could sizzle the guys in their sardine cans. Yes. Oh yeah. Which is his dream because he'd make a man hotter. Beanie! By the way, one of the only

songs where there's a whistle. There is. Like in the middle, he's Some guy in the background is going, you know what? It's weird. Bring it back. Not enough whistling in songs. You got sitting on the dock of the bay and Benny and the Jets.

That's the only thing that can. And you've got winds of change by the scorpions. Oh, that's a good one. Yeah. I think there's a guns in road. Oh, yeah. Pressure. Patience.

Patience. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So you got it. Yeah, there's a few whistling songs. You got a few, but man, bring it back. Let's have a, let's have a, Sabrina Carpenter. The next time she plays Coachella, do a little whistling set.

Whistling? Get some whistling in there. That's the most modern reference I can pull this entire time. I want to see her whistling and churn and butter. Like, let's bring it back a little. Speaking of bringing it back, off the top, you said, let's wrap it up. Yes. And as you know, folks, if you haven't noticed yet, if you can't see it, my brother Brad is a dwarf.

Correct. And you loved to, just so we're clear off the talk, you love to talk and joke about your dwarfism. Yeah. Your comedy act is centered a lot around it. Sure. So we don't want people to be offended. Right. But sometimes, and I'm just keeping it real, my brocefiosh, sometimes you go so over the top with it, I get offended.

And I'm just want to tell you in terms of wrapping it up. Okay. If you go too far, on the holly. William Pogat. That's right, baby. I'm going to stuff you in a microwave oven box. Oh. And FedEx you.

Oh. Somewhere. Somewhere. Probably Vancouver or somewhere out of country. Okay. And not only that, I'm going to stuff raw weaners through the handle holes and feed you through the holes. Oh, okay. But they're hot dog weaners.

Hot dog weaners. Okay. They're not like the RFK Jr. No. Raccoon weaners. No. they're not shell station glory hole weaners because you know i got a weiner off of a raccoon i i went hunting and i took a wiener off of a raccoon it has a lot of vitality

that's how you cure cancer wait is this a real story yeah and why are your eyes watering it hurts it hurts to do that voice i don't know you're not suffering from erotific sexation or whatever it's called oh so if you're mad at by tying a belt around your neck and then jerking off. The orgasm is a lot stronger. Is it really? Yeah. How do you think I got this voice?

A lot of autoerotic expixiation. You know who died that way was David Carradine. And the lead singer of Inexus. Yeah, he died that way. So you think when they realized they were going to die from autoerotic expixiation, You think the very last thought was, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. You think that was the last thought? Because if I was going to die with a belt around my neck and my pants around my ankles, knowing that this is how my loved ones would find me.

I think my last thought might be, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, I think that might be my last thought. My last thought might have been, I just should have watched Pornhub. There's plenty of stuff on there. could have done this all again another day. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like to die for a orgasm that's a little bit better than a normal orgasm, I don't know if I want to die for that. 85 instead of a 70. Yeah. I'll take the 70. Yeah. And live to see another day. Yeah, that's like the diabetic going, I'm allowed the small coke, but I'm not allowed

the movie theater jumbo. Totally, totally fine. And so small coke's going to do it. They go for the big one. Yeah. And then, you know, you go to, you know, and all. of a sudden you're missing a foot. Who is the guy or girl that came up with the erotic affixiation thing?

Just so you know, folks, and you seem to be the expert. So correct me if I'm wrong. From what I've heard, you tie off your, you affixiate yourself with a tire or a belt or something. You hang yourself, but not to the point of death. And in that moment of pleasuring yourself, when you have the big moment, the decreased oxygen intensified. the orgasm? Allegedly. Sure.

You've never hung in a closet. Well, no, I can't get up on one of those closet books, Arland. I'm very tiny. Yeah, you have to hang from under a chair or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I find a nice shoe rack.

Yeah, yeah. And then I just jump off of that thing, and I'm okay. Wow. But who's the guy that, like somebody invented the light bulb. Sure. Somebody invented the fax machine,

the internet, the Wright brothers invented flying. Some guy invented dangling from his neck while he squirted it. Yes, that was the German autorotic asphyxiation. Oh, Hans, autofratica fishflish. Yes, he named after himself. Oh, my goodness.

He came to. The world will know my name, Harold Williams. Wow. The world would know my name of Hans Autorotic Fisciation. God. Yes. I named it after myself. It would be my legacy for my children.

You know what we got to do? Autorotic expixiation? No, no, okay, sorry. And I'm not holding you. Okay, because I got a belt. Yeah, I know. Okay. Imagine you just said,

Harlan, lift me up like a Christmas decoration, like a Christmas ball. And I'm like one of those wind-up monkeys, but I'm doing that, but just around my dick. Oh, God. You know what? We're done. We're done. Yeah, get, bring out the microwave box. No, baby.

No, baby. Don't put me in that box. You're so close. You're so close. You're so close. That'll be hot time. You're right on the edge. I might even bring that one around at the end.

Hot time, baby. You're teetering. I'm teetering, baby. You're going to Vancouver any second now. It's a lovely city. Amber, I got to know. Okay. Amber, please look up how many people a year die from auto-sortification.

How do you say it? Hans Autotic Association. Are you there, Amber? The auto-exotic. It sounds like a lot of exotic. a fancy car in Europe. Oh, yes. I own three Ferraris and one autoerotic expixiation. Would you like to take the autoerotic exsciation for a test drive? You will never come back, but it will be the most pleasurable ride you ever have in your life. It will take your breath away,

that's for sure. Oh, yes, you won't have an airbag, but somehow there will be white stuff all over the front window anyhow. Yes. How many people die a year from auto exotic affixiation or whatever the hell it is. 500 to a thousand a year. So you're not even in the top five. Like buy a blow-up doll. It's fine. Live.

Yeah. Live. Go to Amsterdam. Get a hooker. Go to the red light district. Yeah. Go to my sister's house. Is she really friendly?

Yeah. She's going to kill me now. Okay. But dude. What's her address? No, you're this close to getting in that box. I can't do that. I hope you like very.

Vancouver, buddy, because you're this close. That's close. I'm teetering. Dude. Hey, everybody. Want to talk to you about Quince. That's Quince with a cue. Yeah, can I brag a little?

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people. What is wrong with people? You can't just hump a mattress at a motel six? I say this in my brand new comedy special, which is now now streaming on YouTube. Oh yeah, yeah, please. Yeah, it's called Brad Williams live on Short Street. Yeah. Because we shot it in Lexington, Kentucky, Harlan, and the theater is literally located on Short Street. Yep. I thought they were playing a prank on me. And you know who built that theater? Dusty Roads. That's the road, baby. He built Short Street. One day. One day. One day, Brad William is going to be a special. Bracky hit the theater, baby.

It's going to be hot time, but it's going to be funny. Yeah. It's going to be funny. Wait, so where can we see your new special? Congratulations, first of all. On my YouTube page, YouTube.com slash Brad Williams comedy. So you could watch the whole thing there. And during the special, I talk about how there's a lot of strange fetishes out there.

Oh, wow. And don't I feel lucky that, you know, I could look at my wife and she gets naked and I go, done. I'm good. Yeah, you don't want to hang yourself. No, I don't have to charge a car battery. I don't have to dunk my head and go bob for apples. I don't have to wear a leather gimp outfit and unzip the mouth and go, put it on her.

I don't have to do that. I don't have to be a scene out of Pulp Fiction where they say send in the gimp. And then I come in. And we said the gimp, not the limp. And then I come in, you know, like I'm very glad that I don't have any crazy fetishes. You don't have to go to peck co. and buy a small rodent. No, I don't got to stuff it in some sort of orifice.

I don't have to, you know, because now I just saw on the TV show, it's on HBO Max where you could also stream the Spinal Tap 2. Yeah. On the show, Euphoria, have you seen Euphoria? No, hold on, I'm going to lower this just a bit. Just a little bit. Just a little bit. Beautiful thing.

There you go. Yeah. Have you seen the show Euphoria? No. One of the characters is doing an only fan, and she's dressing up like a puppy. Oh no She's dressing up like a dog What's she doing?

She's acting like a dog She's putting shoes in her mouth She's She pooing on the floor And you gotta hit her with a newspaper afterward You gotta roll up a newspaper And give her a little bat on the nose Wow

And some people are into this It's called puppy play Puppie play Yeah which sounds really innocent When you say Oh I would like to engage in some puppy play Who wouldn't want to go In a room full of lovely

you know, fun puppies. And then you go to the puppy play party, and it's a bunch of 48-year-old accountants named Rick with leashes around their neck. Yeah, I'm rethinking the whole puppy bowl that they play on Super Bowl Sunday. Oh, yeah. Imagine they turn that on at halftime show,

and there's like Rick and all the other guys from the office. Just lifting their leg and peeing on stuff. I don't want it. I don't want it. I'm very happy that I'm a basic bitch with my needs. Yeah, puppy play. That's just weird. Yeah. It doesn't affect me, so if you're into it, fine. But I'm just like, imagine you see a girl at a restaurant and you're like, oh, I'd like her number.

She's a really cute person. And then you go over there and you start talking to her and you guys kind of hit it off. And you're like, oh, wow, things are going really well with me and this little sweetie right here. And then at some point, you're going to have to look at that lovely woman in her eyes and say something like, you know, anyone anyone ever tell you you got the eyes you got a little puppy dog eyes you got just these lovely puppy dog eyes and she's like yeah people have told me that before and you're like how about we take it to the next level and then you bring out the shock collar wait even before the squeaky toys yeah you bring out of a squeaky toy and a shock collar and a shock collar and you say here's a water bowl can you can you drink out of that oh you have the eyes of a little labruddle oh my little golden retriever fetching the stick. Fetch the stick. You have to like slowly introduce the fact that you like puppy play. That's bizarre. Yeah, there's a lot of people into weird stuff, Harlan. You know, I got to say, I love the human imagination. I love it because just so, you know, this stuff's been around since the dawn of civilization. If you look at karma sutra, the Indian etchings of human

lovemaking, they're about as twisted and perverted as you can get. And that's like before Christ. I think. Yeah, it was before you could be condemned for it. Yeah, so that's probably why that was there. They said, let's get all this weird stuff out before the Lord becomes a factor. Yeah, then we can't do the arch lotus position. Yeah, but it is fascinating that we not only have the imagination to do all these things, but we also sort of at the same, in the same breath, demonize them. And we, We sort of shun them and look down on people that do them, but I would submit that every single human being has kind of a weird fetish,

including the ones watching now. And I'm talking to you, Danny delicious lips in Cleveland. Oh, you know, Danny? Yeah, Danny and Carol crapshoot teeth down in Tennessee. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, they're freaks. Carol is a damn freak.

This is going to be tough. She's got some stuff going on. My next question is going to. to be tough guy. Okay. Okay. I'm ready for it. And you have the right to say yay or nay. Okay. Okay. Because as we both sit here, as Amber walked in, as your mother and father live and breathe, as everyone you know, all of us have a demented deep, dark, sexual fantasy. Sure. I'm going to give you the option right now. Of revealing yours? All right. You know what I will. I did create Puppy pals, you know.

Harlan does like, you know, there's a deep subreddit on the subculture of puppy dog pals. I need everybody to know that. It's actually puppy play. No, it is not as a charming. It is a charming children's show. I don't want you to get in trouble. I'm not worried. Okay, okay.

But do you have the balls? Do you have the wherewithal? And I don't even know if I want to hear it. And if you just say, I'm not to. But would you dare be one of those humans that share? What? Yeah, I'll reveal it. One of your darkest, weirdest,

sexual fantasies. Is it one you've done or you want to do? It is one I want to do. Okay. It is one I want to do. Let's hear it. Because this sounds like a bit. And when I say this, people will be like, that's a bit.

He's doing a joke. But no, this is deep rooted in truth. Okay. I have a fantasy. then I want a woman to dress up like snow white, and then I would love to defile that woman. I would like to have sexual relations with a woman dressed as snow white. That is my fantasy.

And are you dopey, sneaky, grumpy? In that moment, I would be happy. Yeah. Good answer. In that moment, I'm not grumpy at all. You'd be happy. I'm very happy. Yeah.

And that is a deep-rooted, true sexual fantasy. And I can tell you the reason why, Harlan. Okay. Okay. I have a therapist. We've dived into this. Oh, wow. Yeah, we've talked about it.

I love this. You know? And the reason why is because I always saw Snow White as like, ooh, she hangs out with all the dwarfs. She's an ally. She's a friend. But then she never, she never hooks up with any of the dwarfs. If you remember the story, she first.

she friend zones all of them yeah all of them even dopey and and dopey could keep a secret yeah he doesn't even talk he's too stupid he doesn't know he doesn't know he doesn't know yeah he's like banging forest gump it'd be like jenay bangin for us gump yeah and by the way if it's musty down there you'd probably go from happy to sneezy just as a little side note but keep going if you go into pegging then i'd be grumpy yeah yeah but uh so so she always friend zoned the dwarves Yeah. And then she ends up with the prince at the end. And if you remember the story, Harlan.

Yeah. The prince in Snow White, when he meets Snow White, he makes out with her while she's legally dead. Yeah. Yeah. So he's a necrophilia. He's a necrophiliac. And then she wakes up and goes, oh, a man. Finally.

And I'm like, you had seven good ones. Yeah. And also don't tell me like, well, he's a prince. So he's rich. The dwarves were diamond miners, Harland. Wow. They were diamond miners. Remember the scene where Dopey had the big diamonds over the eye balls?

He could have been making it rain with ice. Oh, yeah. Down on snow white. It could have gone from snow to ice real quick. Throw it up, throw it up. Yeah. That could have happened. So for my people, for the little people that have been disgruntled

and that have been passed over and that have been friend zoned, that is why I wanted to do. defile a woman dressed as snow white. That is my fantasy. Wow. Now, when you say defile, there's tender lovemaking, there's coitus, there's sexual intercourse, defile makes it sounds like she's not maybe a willing partner or she is. No, she is.

But it's just sort of naughty. Yeah. It's kind of naughty. Like, oh, we shouldn't be doing this. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow. Yeah.

And I'm no therapist, even though I look like why. Sure. I've seen a lot of therapists wearing Godzilla t-shirts. You have to do lip sync when you give your therapy. Oh, we are talking about the id. We are talking about the ego

that is deep inside. And if we can discover, then we can bring out your true intentions. Now, I got to know what did your therapist say before I give my response. When I told my therapist, She immediately said, you need to lose my number.

Really? Or did she go to the closet and pull out a snow white costume? Unfortunately, she only had sleeping beauty. Very unfortunate. Very unfortunate. Only had sleeping duty. And my wife, Harlan, my loving wife, who is down to make me happy, who has gone above and beyond all the calls to make me happy,

to make her husband happy. God bless her. She put on a costume and I'm like, but she's Chinese. So it's like, it just looked like a knockoff Moulon. Yeah. And I'm not a Moulon guy. Suddenly it's Snow Wright. You get in the box.

You get in the box. We're shipping you to Winnipeg. Oh, no. We're going to ship you to Winnipeg, Manitoba. In a microwave oven box. They need them. It's cold. It's cold in Winnipeg, Manitoba.

That's where they sleep. Yeah. That's where they sleep in the winter. I played them. there a month ago. It was very cold. Or they crawl in their microwaves and sleep like hibernating foxes in the winter. Absolutely. So your wife is Asian. Yes, she's Chinese. Yeah, she's Chinese. Yeah, she's Chinese. And so did she try to attempt to fulfill your fantasy? She tried. She tried. She's got the black hair. Yeah. Yeah. So that, so that, so that part worked out.

But then I just kept seeing Mulan. I just kept seeing Mulan. Yeah. You know, and it didn't work out. Disney Princess. So, you know, I don't know, I don't know how we're going to pull this off, you know. Was there a level of disappointment from her that she couldn't help you reach your fantasy? I think when she married me, there was a level of disappointment. I think there was a level of, really? This is what I got. Yeah. I think there was a level of disappointment at that, at that moment. No, come on. I've met your wife. You guys are nuts about each other. I love it. I love it. I love it. She's an amazing woman.

You're one of those couples. I see it. When you guys are together, there is such a loving bond between you guys. It's fantastic. That's really great to hear. And obviously, we try to do that. And, you know, we've married now for eight years. We've got a six-year-old together.

Yeah. We're raising a little Asian dwarf baby. Don't put her in the microwave. That's a hate crime. Yeah, that's a hate crime. On many levels. Yeah. No, no.

Child endangerment. We're not doing that. No. I want to keep her around. Now, wait a minute. I've just done some studies, and it turns out when you put a baby in the microwave, it is not healthy. It's not healthy for the baby when she's in a microwave.

Here, wrap this around your neck. It'll help. Yeah, there you go. Okay. And now we're talking about what is healthy for the children. What is healthy for the children is not putting her in a microwave. Tighter, tighter. Okay, hold on that, what is it?

Die, die, die, die. Okay, die. Wait, I can only do it once. Wait, no, I'm a Buddhist. I'll be back. Oh, my God. You're definitely going in the box at the end of this. I hope you like Vancouver, buddy.

I hear it's nice. I hear there's good sushi there. I'm duct-taping you in a microwave box. I'm sealing it and I'm feeding you weeners through the hand holes. All right. Well, just, you know, poke some air holes in there. Oh, there is. Oh, good. Because I'm going to need all the air holes I can get because that belt's going to be around my neck the whole time.

I'm going to be having a good time. You don't believe me. Look at this. What? What happened? Holy crap. You. There's a microwave box. You are going in this box at the end of this podcast.

I warned you at the beginning. You surpassed, folks, you got to stick around to the end of this podcast. He's going to plug his special again. I will. But then we're going to stuff him into microwave. We're going to put a FedEx. sticker on there, and we go send him to Vancouver, Canada now. I'm going to go to Canada.

Yeah. Oh, my goodness. Where it's also cold. It is. I'll fit in there. I'm a hockey fan. I'm enjoying the playoffs. My team, the ducks.

As we're recording this, we're playing the Edmonton Oilers. Oh, good, yeah. You know, we got McJesus on that team. Connor McDavid. So good. He's good. Good. You know.

A miracle player. He really is. So, but, you know, I have hopes. I have hopes for my ducks. Okay, but wait, forget ducks. Let's go back to dwarfs, the other D-Whorst. Okay, the other D-Words. Did you dress up as one of the dwarfs when she was dressed up as Snow White?

Or were you just Brad Williams? No, I was Brad Williams, the dwarf. My costume comes self-installed. But you didn't get the costume to sort of round out the whole fantasy? You know what? Maybe that's where we miss. Maybe that's the missing. Yeah.

You didn't commit. She committed you. She did. I did. It is my fault. Yeah. And honey, I'm going to look at you right now because I know you're watching. This is your favorite podcast.

I want to tell you, honey, I am sorry. I apologize. I was going as Brad Williams, the dwarf. This is a fantasy. This is about what we're all into. This is about giving to each other. And I should have been doc. I should have been doc for you.

Yeah. I mean, your mom wanted you to marry a doctor. That's the closest. we could get. Doc the dwarf. Here's Doc the dwarf. Yeah. What degree does he have?

Wow. Diamond mining. Yeah. They were diamond miners, Harlan. They were. They had the bling, baby. They had it.

Yeah, what woman? They were rolling around the kingdom like rappers back in the day. Diamonds are a girl's best friend. I've heard that said. I've heard it said many times. And then she goes for the guy that makes out. And you know, and you know when Snow White woke up. Yeah.

You know the prince was disappointed. Why? Because he made out with her while she was legally dead. That was his kink. That was his thing. He was a little bit of a necrophiliac. Right. So he's like, oh, she's dead?

Yeah. Oh, how unfortunate. Well, but what a beauty. So let me just, let me, let me get, let me get. And then she pops up and he's like, darn it. Yeah. Oh, you're alive. Oh, what a bummer.

What a bummer for the prince. And then he has to sort of pretend that everything cool. Yeah, like, oh, no, I did that to break the curse and to cure the spell happily ever after all that jazz. Oh, yeah. Sure, I want you to spend the night alivey. Like, alivey. Every time Snow White wakes up the other night, he's just got that pillow right over here, right over the head.

He's just waiting. He's just waiting one day he's going to do it. He's got a club. He's got a club, a wooden club. The kind they hit halibut with an Alaska. Have you ever done tours in Alaska? No, I've never been to Alaska. You've never been to Alaska.

I've seen it. I've actually fished off the northern coast of British Columbia where you might be going. Yeah. And I was so far north, I could see Alaska in the distance, but I haven't physically been there. I've always wanted to go. Oh, I've been there, man.

I've been there many times. Why? To do shows. I've done shows of Alaska. And there was a very nice... gentleman who took me dog sledding. You went on the iditarized? I got to go dog sled.

I got to be on the sled and have the... You know, you know, those huskies looked back when I got on the sled and went, oh, easy day to day. Either they're going, why is our dinner yelling at us? Why is our dinner whipping us? Why is that... Why is that squeaky toy being so angry

and he's yelling things that aren't bob it, bobbit, pop it. Like he's yelling things that aren't that. Since when is the squeaky toy in charge of us? Wow, and how far did you go on the sled? Enough for me to get very cold. Really? Yeah, but we went far, but it was just like a day.

It wasn't, you know, a whole thing, but I got to do that, and that was amazing. How many dogs were on your team? We had, we had like eight. We only needed three or four. Let's be honest. Yeah, because they motor. They go. They go, man.

It was a lot of fun. Got to do that. There were some old World War vets, World War II vets. Wow. That they came to the show and they're like, you know, they were in their 80s or whatever. They're like, do you want to come shoot guns with us? And I'm like, yes, I would. Wow.

So I got to shoot guns with those guys. I love it. It was amazing. I did a dog slid team once. I assembled my own. You know, Huskies have two different colored eyes. Yeah, yeah. So what I did is I got Marilyn Manson.

and David Bowie when he was alive. And the pitcher Max Scherzer. Yeah, and I strapped him to a sled. And we didn't go to Alaska, but we did right down fucking 7th Avenue, Broadway in New York. And man, what a ride. Marilyn Manson got tired real fast. We had to stop, and he ran into a Burger King.

Yeah. Got something to eat, and we strapped him back up. And he wears those assless chap, so it's not pretty. But he got the most whipping, I'll tell you. I tell you. And he's got a flabby ass that guy. He may have beautiful husky eyes, but his ass is like looking at Dolly Parton,

melting in the Wicked Witch of the West Pool Party. Wow. If you could choose, would you want your eyes to be different colored? Would you want to have husky eyes? You know what? I think it'd be cool. Yeah. I think it's sort of mysterious and weird. And it just, I think it would be, yeah,

it would just be sort of mystical. Yeah. That and if like a woman has a type, you're like, do you like blue eyes or brown eyes? Yeah. What do you like? Which one? What are you like? What color your eyes?

Which one's better? You tell me. Yeah, yeah. Blue, green, blue, green, blue, which one's better for you? Yeah. You know? Oh, yeah. Like that truly an adjustment, a sort of customization you could do for a partner.

Oh, yeah. It's a lot of fun. I think it's sexy. But now I'm picturing you shooting a gun, like a rifle or a handgun. or a handgun. And no offense, but I'm pitching you in Alaska. You shoot a high caliber rifle. The discharge, now I see you flying through the air backwards to Cleveland.

Like, dude, you cannot be shooting a weapon. Like even a potato gun, I worry about you going about 12 or 13 feet. Oh, there definitely had to be two of those guys behind me. Yeah, or a mattress or something. Yeah. Because otherwise, I'm making tracks. What did you shoot? What kind of gun?

A rifle, a handgun? There was an AK-47. There was a sniper rifle. And then there's a pistol called the Desert Eagle. And the Desert Eagle is a really strong pistol. So that was... What caliber do you remember? I don't remember.

I'm not a good guy. But I remember. shooting it and that thing damn near maybe do a back flip. Like the kickback's powerful. Yeah, it's a lot. It's a lot. So if you ever let's say let's say you're breaking into a house, okay?

Yeah, let's. And there is and there and there's a dwarf who runs down and says, hey, get out of my house and he's brandishing a desert eagle. You may want to run, but you're going to want to stay for that show. Yeah. You're just going to, you just got to cross your fingers, hope he misses because you're going to watch the dwarf do a Cirque de Soleil backflip as soon as he pulls that trigger.

He's going through at least four layers of drywall. A thousand percent. Yeah, yeah. I don't know if you ever saw in the movie Who Framed Roger Rabbit. Yeah. But whenever Roger, I think, has a soda or a drink, he runs and he runs through the wall. Through the wall, yeah. Yeah, so it's just its ears and it's hands.

It just leaves the silhouette in the wall. Well, here's the danger of confronting a dwarf with a big caliber. hand god sure is if you're in the house yes he's going to shoot out you in the house he's going to blast through all the walls and when you run out of the house he's going to be sitting on the lawn waiting for it because he had blasted through the wall so it's a double security penetration wall and that and it's tough to miss because if it's his house yeah if it's a dwarf house yeah low ceilings my friend oh yeah low ceilings as long as long as he fires down that hallway you're done for but then the show continues because when he shoots at you again on the lawn, he scoots along the grass like

dogs do when they're wiping their ass. So you get to see him slide backwards. Hey, hey, hey, everybody. Let's talk about drinking. Yeah, how old are you now? Are you over 30? Okay, your reaction time to recovery changes once you're over 30. Yeah, things aren't the same as when you're a little 18-year-old whippersnapper. So if you're having a drink of beverage and you don't want to feel that kind of that sometimes hits you, I want to talk to you about cheers. Oh yeah. Cheers is a little thing you can do just before you go to bed. Okay? If you take cheers, restore right after you have your last drink or before going to bed, it will work while you sleep. Their claim to fain. They're claimed to fame is feel 50% better or your money back. Okay, that's not a bad deal. So you always want to feel

better that next day. You don't want to be a hangover land. So take Cheers Restore after your last drink before going to bed and wake up feeling at least 50% better or your money back. For a limited time, our listeners are getting 20% off their entire order by using Code Harland at Cheershealth.com. Just head to cheershealth.com and use code Harlan for 20% off. After you purchase, they will ask you where you heard about them. And please, please support our show and let them know that we sent you. So I'll close out by saying feel better and cheers. You may not know this Harlan, but you just stumbled on to something.

I don't know, you ever, some people think that I see there's some aliens over there. Some people think that aliens exist and they leave these crop circles, right? Right, right. In the middle of cornfields. Yeah, I've seen them. In Iowa. They're very geometrically perfect. That's not aliens.

That's dwarves who have shot guns outside. Got it. And they've flown through the corn and they knock it down in a perfect geometric shape. There's other ways to make them too. Just like I had my own dog sled team, I've always wanted to make a crop circle. don't have the wherewithal. So whenever I do gigs out in like Oklahoma, Nebraska, and corn country, I can make almost a perfect crop circle for about $4.99.

Here's what I do. Okay. I stop at the local Walmart. I got a big, like, double fudgy chocolate cake. Okay. I drive out into farm country. I stand in the middle of the country road and go, cake, cake. Sure.

Chubby, fat farm girls run out. I lob the cake into the corn and in their haste to get to it they ultimately trip, roll and they just roll around in the ground. And I sort of take credit for my own crop circle. Wow. Discount crop circles.

I had one that actually fell and this was a total fluke and when I sent the drone up to look at my work, she had actually rolled and spelled the word Sarah Lee right into the corn. It was unbelievable. Yeah.

She was hoping to get sponsored. I don't know. It was just one of those miracles of fatness, you know? Some people say I was fat, baby, but I was not fat. I was the muscular. That was quick fat, baby. Oh, man. Yeah, that was speedy fat.

When you just did that, I thought if a baconator could talk, that's what it would sound like. Six pieces of bacon. You're a pussy, baby. We got eight pieces of the bacon. That's right, baby. Oh, we're going to jam up your arteries like the, 405 at rush hour, baby. Oh, my God.

Unbelievable. Speaking of being short, though, I also, I don't know if it's something that you would ever consider, but it's this thing that I heard of that people can do this. Okay. If you were ever like, you know, screw being this short, I want to get bigger. There's this type of cosmetic procedure where people can get their legs broken.

And stretched a couple of inches. I've read this, yes. Is that something that... Never. Would you ever want a couple of more inches? No, I'd have to rewrite my entire act. Yeah. Yeah.

That takes a while. I've worked really hard on these jokes. You know what I mean? You know, I just got a new hour after I put out the special that's called Live on Short Street, which is streaming on my YouTube channel. Yeah. And, you know, I got a new hour now, which I'm very proud of. I'd have to throw all those jokes out.

Yeah, nobody wants a comedy show. special by a tall dwarf. Yeah. No, and then like, you know, the dwarf, that's my thing. Yeah. It'd almost be like a lowrider on a Saturday night. Like, you'd... Yeah, I don't want to do it.

No. In that, and it's very painful surgery. It is, yeah. It's a long surgery. They literally twist knobs that are on the braces that separate your bone by millimeters. So you've looked into this. Oh, yeah. I've looked into it. I've done, I've done my homework. I've done my due diligence. I think it would look awkward too because, yeah, your legs would be a bit longer, but now your frames the same. It would almost be like if a draft got its leg shortened. Yeah. You just see a giant neck running around Africa. Right. Because I would keep the same dwarf head. Yeah. The giant dwarf forehead. But your legs would be longer.

Legs long. My ass would still be, you know, like I'm in a mystical video. You'd be like a living Picasso painting. It really would be. Walking around disproportionate. Yeah, it would be like going back to who frame Roger Rabbit. That's the most

Roger Rabbit references we're going to have on a podcast. But when Christopher Lloyd filled himself with helium and he was just dancing or like one of those

wacky waving inflatable arm flailing tube bend. Yeah, and if you're going to go like Picasso, you might as well, if you're getting your legs done, why not get an eye

moved over here and your mouth down here? If you're going to go, go for it. And get your hand broken. and so now it's like a square shape. My entire skin dyed blue. Yeah, just be a full Picasso.

Let's go. I'd probably be worth millions of dollars then. I bet Snow White would want to pound that. Right? Oh, yeah. As long as I make eyes in her when she's legally dead, apparently that's what she's into. Wow. Amazing.

I think we stumbled on to a good money-making scheme for me. Yeah. Some, you know, body modification. People say like, oh, you got your, you got your, you got your, you You got your ears pierced. You got a tattoo. Yeah. You dyed your hair.

Adorable. Did you get the Picasso? Yeah. By the way, that's probably, that looked a lot like auto-exfixiation, by the way. By the way, just- I was about to be one of the 500. Yeah, yeah. If you're thinking of buying an exotic, a auto-exficiation automobile, just so, you know, one of the upsides of it,

they're the only car in the world when you turn the ignition, they go, but when you turn them off they go yes here in Germany you know we make we make the Porsche

we make the Audi and we make the autoerotic exphyxiation and then and then also the Volkswagen but a lot of the focus on the auto erotic exfixiation

and our latest car the puppy dog That's too good. I want to buy one of those. Right? But speaking of legs, let's go down to the feet. Okay.

Or feet, like if I'm thinking about the anatomy, you got me thinking about it. Like baby's feet look like baby's feet. Sure. Like my feet look like feet, but I'm guessing dwarf feet are somewhere in the middle. Yeah, because my feet look like adult male feet, but then it's not that big, yeah, which is great because, you know,

my shoes are a lot cheaper. Yeah. All these comics running around like, oh, I got new fresh Jordans. Oh, how much of those costs? Yeah, $300. Peep these babies, 5895. Baby Gap shoes. That's right, buddy.

You can hang them from your rearview mirror. Yeah. Yeah. I could hang you from my rearview mirror. Forget about the shoes. Who cares about a GPS? I could just look at you and go, left, Harlem. Well, I would hang you from your throat with a belt. All right, so then I would be up there. Yeah. And I would tell you, proceed a half mile down Laurel can you.

Wait, you forgot to let me start the car first. Procede a half mile down Melrose Boulevard. Your destination will be on your left. Robert F. Kennedy. Wow. He's a fun one to do. Robert F. Asphyxiation. Robert F, that's what the F stands for.

Very few people know that. It stands for fixiation. Yeah. Absolutely. But I wonder if with your nutty feet... With... My nutty feet. You're nutty in betweeners.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh. I wonder if... Here, let's get the only fans. Go on. Oh, wow. Look at that. Let's get the only fans going to go.

I think I just heard something rip when you threw your leg up there. Yep. Are you all right? That was my L4 vertebrae. L4? Yes, the L4. Wow. Wow.

So you just made more money on the Patreon episode. Wow. Yeah. We're starting to foot fetish episode. That hurt me. It did. Forget about hanging from a bell. You doing the splits hurts me.

Oh, God. Oh, God. That. That's when I start talking like this again. Oh, my God. Because very few people know, my vocal cards are located in my anus. Wow. This stretch is about.

See, those nutty feet. That's nutty feet. I wonder if you ever wanted to sort of pull the ultimate prank on time, if you were to, and maybe a group of your door friend, go to a muddy riverbank in Colorado or something. I'm in already. Take the shoes and socks off. Sure.

Run down, imprint your nutty feet, your in-betweeners into the clay. Oh. Let them dry and sort of fossilize. And future paleontologists find this herd of like, you could maybe create the missing link and keep future generations wondering, where they're like, yeah, God and evolution and dinosaurs, but what about the nutty feet?

There's a whole herd of nutty feet up there in Colorado. What about the nutty feet people of Colorado? What about the nut people? Forget about the T-Rex and the Diloptodon and Homo erectus and Lord Savior Jesus Christ. What about the nutty feet people? I mean, you really good. We got options, buddy. you really throw some people up.

Some poor graduate student would write their entire thesis on the nutty feet people. The nutty feet papers by Samuel E. Quark. That's right. When exploring the great mountains of Colorado, we found some, my accent is going to get even more droning and posh.

Of course. We found some footprints, you see. Oh, I see. What were there, Professor? They were We An undiscovered species Oh, what were there?

Pretell That we decided to name The nut feet people Oh, the nut feet And how big were the nut feet feet So, you know Picture Walnuts or something like that

Yes, okay Now, now, now, now, now picture five walnuts Oh, like a whole band of Nutfeeters Oh my goodness Five walnuts And then you put them at the end

of a spotted dick Oh my goodness, Professor. Yeah, that's where we get the nut feet people. The nutty feet tribe, is it? The nutty feet tribe of Colorado. My God, Professor, you've stumbled on the missing link, I dare say. That's right. I was taught about this in Oxford, but now I'm going to be given a doctororship.

Professor, I dare ask a herd of horses, a murder of crows, a pod of whales. What do we call a group of the nutty feet people? Professor. They called them a cashew of nut feet people. Cashew because they're nutty. Very nutty. That's one of the more naughty feet is a cashew. They're the cashew of nut feet people. We call them a... We call them a planters of people. Oh my goodness.

A planters of people because he's Mr. Peanut, you see. Oh my God, Professor. They're a bunch of mixed nuts to be honest with you. You've changed the whole theory of human evolution. My God, man. I truly have. Charles Darwin can suck my cock. That was a bit aggressive at the end, Professor.

It was, it was, a little aggressive. Foul language. I'll leave that out of the dissertation. I think I'd actually like to see that, by the way. My cock. No, Charles... No, Charles Darwin, gobbling your car. Oh, well, I actually have a sexual fantasy

about dressing one of the not-feet people. Charles Darwin while they inhale my cork like a pez dispenser. Oh my goodness, Professor. With the little heads going back and forth. Wow. That is bad. A pez dispenser fallacious. Mm-hmm.

My God, Professor. That is my ultimate fantasy. You nutty-footed freak. You know it. You know it, Nigel. Oh, my God. They're always named Nigel. Yeah, Nigel and Carlton.

Yeah. Is it, it, it, does it rub you the wrong way and other, you've probably talked about this with other dwarfs, when someone's excessively tall, like if you see a guy like Shaq, would you guys ever like swarm him like army ants and take him down and even eat him?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, like we're going to go full Gulliver's travels. Is there that type of anger or are you just cool with it? You know what? We have a bond with the, excessively tall people because we feel like despite the dramatic size difference, there's a bit of a bond there because like we all we we share a lot of the same. Yeah. Types of hurdles that we have to experience in life where it's like hard time finding clothes, hard time, you know, hard time adjusting in cars. Right.

You know, people stare at you, stuff like that. So we bond. It's all you five foot six to six foot. that we look at and go, what the fuck is wrong? The regular unleaded. Yeah. What the fuck is wrong with you?

Yeah. Seriously, you just walk around everything fits, everything works. Regular unleaded privilege. Yeah, you just take a shower. It's easy. You just adjust a showerhead like it's nothing. You don't have to tell me.

I'm one of them, guys. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it'd be you where I would tell you to be like, hey, maybe don't go to the dwarf convention. Okay, they might, they might look at you and all of a sudden, You know, they'll wrap you up like a mummy. Oh, wow.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then start dancing on you with their nutty feet and start popping the bubbles. Popping the bubble. Oh, yeah. You ever in a nut foot pop a bottle? It's a sound that will haunt your dreams, Harlan. By the way, if you think Harlan's making sound effects right now, he's not.

This is me tap dancing on the desk. For the audio only. This is a serious question, and I hope it doesn't offend. And if it does tell me, because this one sort of plays into the future with AI and, you know, things being sort of discovered and solved. And I don't want to sound uneducated, but is dwarfism. Is it a, I hope this isn't the wrong word. Is it a genetic mutation of sorts?

It is. So that's not a bad thing to say? It is a genetic mutation. Thankfully, like our favorite comic book heroes, I am an X-Man. Yeah, right. I'm a mutation. My powers suck. Yeah.

Yeah. Well, you have the power of comedy. That's pretty damn good. That's pretty damn good. I'll take that over. That's a damn good. Antimantium Clause. I'll take comedy over that.

any day of the week. Well, my question is, if, as we move into the future with, with, you know, accelerated advances in AI and curing, you know, devastating diseases and mutations, is there a world where in the future, the mutation of Dorfism is solved and can never happen again? Or as a dwarf, would you be like, fuck you? like we're kind of our own tribe, we're our own thing. We love it. We embrace it.

We wouldn't, if it could eradicate it, would you guys be like, no, no, no, we don't want it eradicated or would you be like, you know what? This would be a cure to mutation. And what happens if it got cleaned out of the system? How would that make you feel? Interesting. Yeah. This is a very silly podcast and this is a very serious topic.

This is why I prefaced it. I said this is going to be a serious question. That's okay, man. Yeah. I believe this is, and I'm sure that a lot of people in the scientific community consume this podcast, so I'm sure they'll be in my DMs afterward. I believe this is a possibility. I believe that you can, in mapping the genes you can identify and one day be able to remove. Right. That is something that can happen.

I if that power happened today and and we could essentially end dwarfism I probably would vote to do it and that's not to say I'm not happy that is not to say that I'm not I'm not happy nor sleeping nor dopey but I'm I'm very comfortable with who I am of course and my life is really good and I really like it and I don't know how it would have changed if I had been born of average height. Who knows? Maybe I'd be a lot worse off, you know? Maybe I might, maybe I might have weird hobbies. Like instead of comedy, I could be like one of those poker players, you know? Maybe one of that. Maybe it may have set off a sexual fetish. Maybe I might be into puppy play. Yeah, probably. If I was an average size dude, who knows? So, you know, I don't want to say the grass is always greener

on the other side. But if we, there are certain health conditions that come along with being a little person. Okay. Certain surgeries, oftentimes you have to have, pain as you get older.

So I would say that, yeah, if we could remove that, I would. Now, if people want to do some extreme body modification and then become a dwarf and become a Picasso,

then that, then that is your choice. But I, and I think, I think I would allow, But at the same time, I get the debate where people like, you're playing God, man. Yeah. And I could get that.

But, you know, I think if you talk to a majority of blind people, deaf people, muscular dystrophy, you know, cystic fibrosis. Yeah. I think they would say the same thing. But now the question comes, where do you draw the line? Where do you draw the line of, okay, we took out some diseases, we took out some conditions. but now are we all going to, are all the women just going to be like, make me look like Margot Robbie?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, and all the dudes are coming out like, yeah, made me look like Michael B. Jordan. Yeah. I don't know. Are we all six, five, and athletic? I don't know. Well, outside of that aesthetic component,

is there a place within the dwarf people's pride where, you know, they've been a part of human, history of civilization. Sure. We used to be a form of currency. Oh, wow. Yeah, there was, I want to say the...

I'll give you 12 midgets for that steak, my boy. Yeah, it was a sign of wealth in... I want to say 1500s, France, but I could be wrong. But, yeah, there was a sign of wealth if you had dwarves. So given that and other things, contributions, and, you know, either psychological contributions. There was an Italian dwarf who actually mapped the human body. Right.

He was the first person to do that. So there have been contributions. Andrew Santino joke that he was the first one to map the human body because he could fit inside the damn thing. Okay. Just run around and, oh, there's the liver. But even outside of the contributions, I guess what I'm asking is there is a sense of pride

that if you break down humans, you have gender, you have race, you have, you're sort of like your own sort of, I would say maybe like tribe, and if you took away what you guys are, like completely gone from human civilization, is there a sense of like, wait a minute, I don't want to give that up. We're a special group. Yeah, there is. Because the answer I gave, I don't give easily. Yeah, right, right. I don't say it like, well, this is the obvious answer. Yeah, right.

I don't have the answer to each their own with their opinions, because I also understand that one of the reasons why this world is such a wonderful place is because we have so many different types of people. So I don't want there to be just, we agree this one type of human is the one type that should be. No, I don't want that. I want diversity. I want different types of people out there. But I also want people to lead full active lives and not be in pain or not have to have unnecessary surgeries.

Yeah. So, yeah, I would say take it out if you have the ability. But for anyone who says leave it in, I would totally understand their opinion. Totally understand and absolutely respect it and could be convinced of it probably pretty easily. Yeah. It'll be interesting to see where this road goes. Oh, sure. Where if that becomes a thing and...

Yeah, because I don't want parents to be able to design their child from scratch, you know, just be like, oh, well, I would like a six foot four muscular... You wouldn't? I mean, no. Really? No. Not for kids, not for parents just to be able to be like, let me just design my... Yeah.

Like a build a bear. Yeah. Like design my kid. I wouldn't want that. Why not? Because to me, it sounds... To be honest, it sounds a little intriguing if I could sort of, you know, create, construct the perfect kid, but then everybody would, I guess. Yeah, but then perfect in whose eyes?

Right. In yours for whatever you believe perfection to be. Some other person would be like, ah, I want 12 fingers. Yeah. You know, because I think that's perfect. Yeah, right, right. You know, some be like, I love NASCAR, so I'm going to design a guy who's aerodynamic. Yeah.

Yeah. Pointy face. Yeah. Yeah. Johnny Pumpkin Eye. Yeah. It's coming out like that. Yeah.

Yeah. So who knows what people would design and who knows if we... They really would be Picasso's at that point. Yeah. They'd probably come out real weird. You'd probably have somebody in Portland going, I don't want this whole Uber human. I want the craziest person imaginable. So, you know, but that's the question of where do you draw the line of?

where, like, with what we can design as human beings, where do we stop? Yeah. Do we go like, no, everyone gets to play in the NBA now? Yeah, right. Everyone's six foot eight and can jump out of the gym? Yeah. I don't know. That doesn't make the six foot eight people special anymore.

Yeah. You know, if we're all the same and of the same life experiences. I think I like your first inclination where you said we could weed out like diseases and blindness and deafness. To eradicate that kind of stuff, I think anyone would want that part's good, but everyone just going, all right, I want LeBron's athleticism, I want Stephen Hawking's brain, I want Megan the Stallion's ass, I want, I want, I want Frank Calliendo's calves, he's got amazing calves. I didn't even know he was a farmer. Oh, he's got amazing calves. How many? Yeah, four to eight calves. Wow, that's not heard.

Yeah. Right. Yeah, you know, and like, I don't know if you want that mail order, baby. I'm not in favor of that. But, yeah, if we can get disease out of there. Yeah. It could be fun. Look at us, Harlan.

Yeah. We're going silly. We're shipping me to Vancouver. And then we're also talking about the future of genetics. You know, you know what? Ha, Rogan, we can do it too. Well, speaking of sizes, you know, It's funny because we look at the extremes.

I talked about ants, and on the other end of the spectrum, it's hard to believe, and I'm doubting you've ever seen it, but you were in Alaska, you might have. The blue whale is, I think, the largest creature that's ever lived on planet Earth. It might be. Let me check. I know I pulled some data on it right here. Let's see.

Blue whales, the largest animals known to have existed. Wow. 90 to 100 feet long and weigh roughly 100 to 150 tons. Tons! Yeah, and the biggest... A car weighs four tons. Right. And so this is, a blue whale is like a traffic jam on the 405 in Los Angeles.

Oh, my God. And the biggest dinosaur ever recorded that they believe was a plant-eating dinosaur that lived 100 million years ago called the Pantiagore. Majorum. Oh, wow. And this thing, it was longer than a blue whale, but it only weighed the equivalent of about 10 to 13 African elephants. Wow, that's a spring chicken compared to the blue whale.

My God. Yeah. Dude. Whatever you believe the creator is, he or she, it is a mad scientist. Well, isn't it weird that we think of dinosaurs as hundreds of millions of years old? We go, did they exist? Were they real? How could something be so big?

And then we're still living current day with the biggest creature ever known to have inhabited this planet. Like they're out there right now as we're sitting here talking about the nutty feet. They're out in the water. They're in the water so we don't see them every day. But imagine you're just out there on the beach

and all of a sudden a blue whale goes by. Or even imagine if one just stood up and walked up 100, 100,000, feet high. A hundred feet high. Like think of, man, picture a hundred feet. Yeah, that's, uh, that's like half a block, man. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, exactly. It's crazy. That's a street just going, going in the ocean. But it's interesting when you, you don't really drag that into your sense of perception when you think of, of the dinosaurs. You think, all that's in the past. Yeah, like, no, they're here. And here's this giant thing. Look at a crocodile. Yeah. That's a dinosaur. Yeah, the, the saltwater.

the Nile crocodiles are huge. Those things get like 18, 19 feet long. You know, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, they, you, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they would look at us and be like, those are some people, McNuggets. Is there any record of a dwarf being consumed by a alligator or a crocodile? I don't know. Amber, hang on. Amber? Hang on.

This is going to be... What is in Harlan Williams' algorithm? That's all I want to know. See if there's ever been a dwarf consumed by an alligator or a crocodile. This is important. Or just put a human happy meal if nothing else shows up.

Were we ever fed to one in like a sea world-type atmosphere? Well, didn't you say kings used to own them? You knew they threw a few to the something. Yeah, threw out. Whether it was a raccoon or a were wolf, an owl, something. Something. What do we got? Anything? Nothing. Okay. Maybe something to think about. Something to think about it. You want to put yourself on the map?

To Florida and cover yourself in barbecue sauce. Do you want to be a legend? Do you want to live forever? Do you want you won't be able to talk about your name long after you are gone? Dude, people will remember your comedy specials for a few years. Sure. cover yourself in Skippy peanut butter and jump down the throat of a Florida gator, you're going to be remembered in perpetuity, and you'll be the first to do it. So the first nutty foot.

Yeah, I always wonder about that, Harlan. I always wonder that as a little person, as a dwarf, I know that hopefully years and years from now, but however I go, it's going to be funny. Oh, yeah. There's no way I can die and it's not funny. It's got to be funny. It has to be. So that's, I've told people, I do not fear death.

I just am sad that I won't be around to watch social media the day after I die, because those are going to be some jokes. Well, what about dying funny slowly? And I don't mean autoerotic fixation, but that could be pretty funny. I mean, if you want to do a showing, I mean, not only do you die funny, but you die happy. Yeah. And then you have to present me like that at the funeral. Dangling.

And then when someone says, why are we showing him jerking off with a belt around his neck, then all my relatives just have to go, he died doing what he loved. You know, you're going in the box for that, don't? Am I going in the box for that? You're going to, we're going to do words from a wooden shoe. Okay. And we'll see where that leads. But in my mind, you're going in the box.

All right. Here's a Dutch shoe. Final segment, our Dutch shoe. Yeah. Our special guest, Brad Williams, reaches into the shoe, pull out a word and see if it inspires a story from your fabulous journey. Okay. Something you might have done. You saw a friend did.

Who knows? I've been to Copenhagen, so I've done some stand-up there. I'm going back there in December. Oh, wow. You're not taking my shoe. Maybe the Dutch shoe will inspire me. Yeah. It says.

Oh, here we go. Oh, oh, I think we all have a story like this. What is it? Flirting gone wrong. Oh, wow. Yeah. Well, let's hear it, my guy. You lit up when you saw that.

Oh, yeah. Okay. You're the flirting gone wrong. Let me tell you a story of heartbreak, my friend. Oh, okay. Let me tell you a story long ago. Ooh. In a time in the distant past, 1998.

Oh, I went right back to Shrek. I'm sorry, okay. 1998. 1998. All right. I believe I was in junior high at the time. And, you know, you start getting to that age. I'm 14 at the time, 13, 14.

You know, you start having some feelings. Yeah. For the girls? Yeah. Start having some feeling for the gals out there. And there is a particular gal, you know. I think a lot of people have this name. So I think if I say her name is not that bad,

it's a name that sounds phonetically funny to me. Christy Sakamoto. A young Christy Sakamoto was in my class. Yes, yes, yes, yes. Krusty Sakamoto, I'm sorry. That's after the autoerotic expectation. You're going in the box. You have the Krusty Sakamoto.

Keep it up, you're in the box. So I had a crush on Christy Sakamato. How old were you? I think I was 13. Okay. 13 or 14. She was 13, 14, in my grade.

Yeah. And I thought, well, I got to make some big showing, you know what I mean? Make a move. To show her that, hey,

this little guy over here, you know, he's got it. Nuddy feet wants some Yashimoto. I do. So I conceived of this plan, Harlan. I see this plan to impress her.

And I started spreading rumors around the screen. school that I have you know this crush on this on this girl that you know but I won't tell anybody I won't tell anybody but I got a crush now I'm

friends I'm friends at this girl too so she's in she's part of the people going tell us who it is tell us who you have the crush on and one day one day after days of them going tell us who the crush is on I say all right you want to know let me show you and we start walking to the front of the

school. Now, in the very front of the school, this is Parks Junior High in Fulton, California. There is a, when you enter the school, there is a large mirror, a very large mirror, and that's, so the kids can walk in and you kind of test your outfit if your outfit's appropriate, or maybe it's not, so you've got to go home and change, or changing your P.E. clothes or whatever the hell. So there's a mirror right up front. So I bring the whole group of friends including Ms. Sakamoto. And I walk Ms. Sakamoto right in front of this mirror and in front of all the friends.

I go, I point at her in the mirror. And I go, there she is. Isn't she beautiful? Oh, dude. I thought that was a good line, right? That's beautiful. I want to go out with you. I know.

I'm a suave man, Harlan. You know, everyone knows us Williams is are helpless romantics. And that's what I say. and Christy proceeds to run into the girl's bathroom and cry. Oh, no. Just like bolted? Oh, what a heartbreaker. Just a straight shot.

And what happened when you followed her in? Now, I will say that the other reason why I don't mind saying her name on the pod is because Christy and I have talked, we're friends. It's okay. We've all moved on. We have families now. You were 13. It's puppy love.

Yeah, nothing. Before you get into adulthood, all that stuff, you can talk about it. It's puppy play love. People don't know what, kids don't know what they're doing. It's puppy dog pal love. Yeah. That's all it is. How many people met it seven or 12 and went on to be married and have families?

We all had those crushes that ended in a fun house mirror. Exactly. Imagine it was a fun house mirror when she looked. that you were normal high insurance. I love that guy. I love that guy. And it turned, look to me and went,

oh, wait, shit. Flush. But yeah, that was an example of flirting gone wrong. Well, just so you know what happened to all of us, okay?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whatever size orientation, everybody suffered that in high school. Everyone had a moment where you thought, all right, let's go big. Yeah. Maybe you were on the,

JumboTron if you said, will you go to prom with me? And then she just ran onto the court and got tackled by a security guard. But that was better than going to prom with you in her opinion. You know, sometimes you swing big. You swing big. Sometimes you strike out. But then, hey, it all worked out because eventually I swung big. And I got a home run with my wife.

Who's also Asian. Yeah, who's also Asian. So I guess I have a type. Yeah, yeah. I didn't know. Now that I'm telling the story, I'm like, maybe I am into Asians. I didn't know. You are, my guy.

It started when you're a little kid and now you're not out. You still got that fever, my guy. Yeah, now I'm into my Asian. I'm into her. Yeah, I'm into my gal. She's great. I can see it. Well, speaking of swinging big, my guy, I want to go into, take a moment before we go.

Okay. Tell them again about your. special where they can see it. Tell them about your stand-up touring schedule. And then you know you're getting stuffed in a box. I mean, that's a fun joke. It's not actually happening, everybody. Yeah, it's not, it's not, wait, is it?

Well, all right, we'll see. I showed you the box. You did show me the box. And you did get out of control. I did. I was quite mouthy. So you might want to, I think you lost me at the autoerotic snow white necrophiliac exphyxiation.

That was your ticking into the box. As long as you remove the high fructose cord syrup, it's actually good for you. Oh, my God. All right. So if you want to see, if you want to watch my new special live on Short Street, go to YouTube.com slash Brad Williamscomedy or it's go to my website, Brad Williamscommody.com. There's links to that.

There's links to all my tour schedule. I'm touring until the end of the year on the Tall Tales Tour. I have a podcast. It's with my buddy, J.B. Ball. He's my friend in opening act. Harlan, you'd love him. He looks exactly like me. Wow. It's exactly like me. I'm a 4'4 for a white guy from Orange County.

He is a 6'4 foot three black guy from Tampa. Exactly like me. Yeah, you can't tell us apart. I love that. Yeah, we just find weird stories on the internet and we talk about them, baby. Oh man, there's some people going out there, hot time. Hot time, baby. Hot time. They got some weird stuff going on, some weird stuff on the internet. But we talk about it on that on the podcast. It's called heightened babble.

baby. Hyden babble, baby. Yeah. Well, buddy, anything else before we split before we get you in the box? Just poke some air holes and let's dive in. Well, folks, Brad Williams was here today on the Holland Highway podcast. Make sure you check out his special on YouTube and Netflix. Check out his stand-up comedy special.

His tour special, I should say. That's all we have time for today. I got to get to the post office. I got to get to FedEx. Until next time, chicken chowmaine, baby. All right. Stay there because you're getting in the box. Oh, I warned you, guy.

I hope you can stand up on that stool. You're going to Vancouver, my guys. Yeah. Oh, my goodness. Come on. Get in here. All right. You know what?

I guess I deserve it. You need any help getting up there? No, no, no. All right. All right. I mean you were. doing good for a while but you're going to Vancouver my guy okay all right have a nice trip my guy here we go there we go buddy oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh easy guy oh williams hey whoa easy guy

oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh have a wiener good No, sit? Sit. Sit. That's it, folks. See you next time. See you in Vancouver. What the hell? Harlan did it.

You actually sent me to Vancouver. How do you get back? I didn't bring my passport. At least you both air holes. I don't know. I make the best of it. Hey everybody, how would you like your very own personal video message from me, yours truly? It's your birthday, it's your anniversary, it's your graduation, or you just want me to make you laugh.

You get to pick the topic, you want me to discuss, give me some talking points, and off we go. You can get it for yourself or get it for a friend. It's super easy and fun. Just go to the Cameo app on your phone or to Cameo.com. And I record a custom video made just for you or your loved one. Your very own personalized Harland.