The Harland Highway - BRAD WILLIAMS is here to do a deep dive into the shallow end of dwarfism. The humor and the science!

Episode Date: May 6, 2025

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Hey, gang, welcome to today's podcast. We got a treat for you. Super treat. I just wanted to tell you that today's theme song was sent in by Ben Woller. I think I'm saying it right. W-O-E-H-L-E-R, Ben Woller. A great theme song. Thank you so much, Ben.

Love it. And I hope you guys are enjoying all these incredible theme songs being sent in by you guys. They're really, they're really kick ass. So thank you. Also wanted to remind you guys to get a jump on getting your tickets for the Howard Theater. I'm coming to Washington, D.C. I might even run for president, but for now I'm just doing a show. June 22nd, the Howard Theater in Washington, D.C.

Get your tickets now. Go online. And I want to see y'all in Washington, D.C. Well, we're going to have some fun now. With all that out of the way Please subscribe to the podcast Press the little subscribe button It helps us immensely

Thank you for your loyalty For watching the show I hope you're having a blast I'm having a blast Now let's get into today's show With my little tiny brother Brad Williams I reached out to the Audubon Society

And if you'll indulge me I will indulge They sent me a male and a female Dwarf skull Okay. And I'm wondering if we can just sort of look at the anatomy of this. That looks very familiar. And why is it so much bigger than like, let's say, my skull?

Yeah. There's something. Well, I mean, I'm not really supposed to say, but... It's the Harlan Highway podcast, my God. Harlan Highway Podcast My sweet nublin I do declare Are there any legendary stories about you,

Brad William? Like, is there any, like, legend stories where when you're not around, people tell a Brad Williams story? Oh, okay. I bet there is. I know of one. I want to, we want to hear sets. Oh, okay.

I think Suis wants to hearse it. If you let me talk like an idiot, we want to hear it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The one story I know, because I was told this story by another comic who played, I think it's, the club is called Jokers in Richland, Washington. Oh, God. They have the Brad Williams rule for the green room. What?

They have the Brad Williams rule for the green room. What is it? And this is that comics are not allowed to have patrons of the club back into the green room. And that is the Brad Williams rule. Because back many years ago, Harlan, when I was a single man, a very happily married man now. But when I was a single man, there was a lady after the show who showed a little interest in yours truly. I don't know if she had a fetish.

Frankly, I don't care. When you say a little interest, is that sort of built into the... Yes, that is built into the joke. Yes, she had... Or maybe an interest in little. Okay, yeah. I'm not sure. Yeah.

But she made it very clear that she wanted to... She wanted to have a little fun. Wow. And I said, okay, and I didn't have a hotel room that was nearby. So I was like, well, there's the green room right here. So I go to the green room buddy And then What I did not know

Is that this woman was at my show With the date Oh, here we go And the date found out That you were having fun That we were back in the green room See when you say fun I'm pitching you guys playing ring around the rosy

That's what we were doing That's what we were doing We were playing Yotsie Oh yeah okay Yeah We're naked Yotsie Hey hey hey That's your word

not mine. Hey, those are my woods and I'm standing boy. Yeah, we were just playing Parcheasy there. Oh, yeah. Part the what? Part the cheesy.

Yeah, uh-huh. Well, we all know that game. Part the cheesy. We were playing hungry, hungry hippos and she was hungry. Wow. Who was the hippo? I hope it wasn't her.

No, I would never say such things. Wow. So wait a minute. So did the dude came back and caught you guys? Well, he was on the door of the green room. The green room door was shut. and he was pounding and yelling and cursing and that whole thing.

Whoa. Yeah. So you didn't know she had a dude. No, had no clue. She didn't present that part. No, she didn't come. Oh, thanks a lot. Yeah.

Oh, wow. Would you have done it if you knew? Of course not. You're not one of those guys that, oh, that's the extra danger factor. I know there's a guy out there. This will be even more exciting. Harlan, I'm a four-foot-four adult man. There's plenty of danger out there for me.

Yeah. You know, large birds. Oh, yeah. Like predatory birds, like falcons and eagles? Yeah. Have you ever been picked up by a hawk? I mean, that's my worst fear. Oh, God.

That's my worst fear is that a hawk just looks at me and says, what a squirrel that is. Whoa. And comes down and gets me. Whoa, yeah, because I've seen videos where some of these eagles, they'll take a mountain goat. Yeah. They get a goat and fly it up into the hill and then drop it.

So it's just, and now of a sudden, you know, they got mountain goat tart. tar right there on on the side of the mountain they could do that with me you're like a bald mountain goat i'm a bald mountain goat no fur no fur they don't have so so so so the eagle won't even get a hair ball and no and they'll just drag me up drop me that oh god and harlot little fella no one would help me you see you see a dwarf getting carried by an eagle you're like i'm sure that's how they get from point a to point b you know because we're a very mythological people yeah we you know we mine we live in tree stumps, we make, we make your cookies, and we travel by Eagle.

Oh, God. And then at night you got to worry about owls. Oh, exactly. Wow, an owl will come down and pick you up like a Chinese guy picking up a railroad spike. Exactly. I feel like I should be offended on behalf of my wife. Yeah. I went all the way back to what they made Chinese people do the railroads.

Like, where did that one come from? That's a deep-rooted racism in you. Well, it's just historical fact, really. I know, I know. The Chinese build our railways. They did. Thank God for them. Yeah, or if they didn't do that, it would have been racist.

Exactly. But it's actually a very historical fact. What if you just started random stereotypes like that? Like, oh, thanks to the Chinese, we have escalators. Yeah. They built all the escalators. Yeah. It's just, I don't know.

I'm wondering. I think they might have. They're very industrious. They're very smart, mathematical. technical people. I think they did. I mean, you know what? I'm going to give them credit. I'm going to say Chinese invented helicopters, even though Leonardo da Vinci did it. You know what? Cool.

Let's give it to them. Let's give it to them. I'm giving them the abacus. I'm going to give them the bullet train. Why not? This podcast, the Harlan Highway, now sponsored by China. Yeah. Created by China, fueled by China. This is China. Holy smokes. So, yeah. So that's so that's, so that's a Brad William story, so now they don't allow comics to have people back in the green room because they had to call the cops to get the guy out of there. Yeah. And yeah, I always think about, because once again I did not know. I always think about, I don't know if they were

married, if they were dating. Does the relationship continue? How does the woman go back to the guy and be like, hey, so we're good, right? Yeah. Yeah, I was just, you know, banging a dwarf. in a green room in front of you, playing a little parcheasy. Yeah, I figure it's got to be hard for a guy to go back to making love to his woman after he knows that she's been stooped by owl bait. You know, like, eagle meat. I don't want my woman being coynessed by eagle meat. Yeah, like, no.

Literally got bummed by chum. Yeah, yeah, your bummed chum. Yeah, I could totally understand that. Wow. And, you know, I didn't have any of the fame that I kind of do now. Yeah. I was much less popular. Wow.

And so now, imagine this guy's watching Instagram. He's watching the Instagram reels, and all of a sudden I pop up. He's like, there he is again. Oh, he'd be going nuts. Foyled again. You almost picture the guy wanting to take classes. You know those suits that the guys wear where they glide off a mountains? Oh, yeah.

The Flying Squirrels? Yeah, I picture him taking classes just so that one day he can be out flying and sees you and swoops down, pulls you into his nest. You know he built a nest now. He's just, he's planning. This is like a forensic file's case waiting. He's waiting for me to do an outdoor comedy show at one of these amphitheaters. Like if I'm going to be playing The Gorge or if I'm playing Red Rock in Colorado, he's going to be

like, that's my time. I'm just biting my time. This guy, he's got this flying squirrel suit. He's going to put bugles on his fingers. He's going to swoop down, claw you up. And the worst part of this is how they eat. They usually peck your forehead open. That's what they do.

They start with, they peck your eyes out. They love forehead meat. Love the forehead meat. And I got plenty of forehead meat hard. Look at that. That's a lot of forehead meat right there. So I'm very appetit. I want to break down because traditionally, and you said dwarf.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I want to, this episode, can we sort of scientifically break down dwarfism and talk about that? Yeah. Because I think a lot of people are a little mystified by it. Absolutely. It's a curiosity. It's a science. It's a biology they maybe don't understand.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So why do we start with the very word you mentioned dwarf? Yes. Do you like that word over, it used to be called midget. Yeah, yeah. What do you like better? I don't, I like, you know what, for me, and this is true. Yeah.

And it sounds like the PC response, but I just really like whatever the intent is. Yeah. I don't care. Like, if you're my friend and you say midget, I don't care. Yeah. But like, so, so this is a story. Like, I once did a show in Odessa, Texas, jealous, very much so. I get it.

my crew is going great and I once did a show in Odessa Texas where I had to throw out a heckler at some point and then when I go into the parking lot to get in the car

and go back to the hotel we see lights turn on in the parking lot and it's a pickup truck and they start driving towards it was me and another comic from Texas his name is Lose Cody

and we and the guy's driving towards us really aggressively. Right out of a movie. Yeah. And he yells out, kill the dwarf out of, out of the door. He screams, kill the dwarf. Did he release an owl? Thank God, no, or else I don't know if I'd be here. Wow. But so in that moment, he used the correct terminology, but it was more the kill the that offended me. Yeah, the kill. The kill always offsets the dwarf. Yes, because if if you have a guy saying kill the dwarf, that offends me more than my wife saying

blow the midget. Because to me, blow the midget sounds delightful. That sounds really nice. That sounds like a really great time. But if you say kill the dwarf, now I'm a little afraid of it. So for me it's all about intent. Unless you're a full-grown man and the wife

says blow the midget, then it's a real insult. That guy that was in the audience of Joker's that night when his girl said, I'm going to go blow the midget. At first he thought it was a euphemism. for I'm going to go, you know, take a whiz. Oh, I love a good euphemism. Do you know any more euphemisms, by the way?

I just love them. I need to do a two-for-tuesday on them because I can hear one, but I always need a backup euphemism. A backup euphemism. It's just the way I am. If you have another one tossing around, I would love to hear it. Yeah. I mean, I know like when you say I'm going to go take a piss, you say drain the lizard.

That's enough for me. Okay, there you go. Thank you. Drain the lizard. Thank you, friend. Which, I don't know where that came from. Where, like, I guess your penis is the lizard and you're going to drain it, but were we ever draining lizards at one point? Dude, this is what I love about euphemisms.

They're so fun. They're so out of nowhere. This is why I need a two-pack. Oh, so, oh, I just found out this one. Is this a third euphemism? This is a third euphemism. I gave you, I gave you two. I'm throwing in a bonus.

A bonusism. I just found out where the origin of no man's land came from. Oh, can I guess for? Okay. At a lesbian night party? Lilith Fair. Well, you just ruined the surprise. Oh, shit.

What is it? No man's land was an area in London where they would take people to get executed. So when you would go to no man's land, it was still going to be no man's land after you're there because you're going to get killed. So there's three for you. It sort of does sound exactly like,

Lilith Fair. It does sound like Lilith Fair. You and I show up at Lilith Fair. We're not coming out of there alive. All right. Before we get deep dive into this whole area, let me introduce our guest, gang. This is my brother from another mother, from another sister, from another daughter, from another father, from another galaxy. Brad Williams is here. Yeah. The Williams Boys are together again. William's boys ride again. Forget the Serena and what's your sister's name? Venus and Serena I hate to do this up yours the Williams girls up yours the Williams brothers are here we are here buddy welcome thank you for having me very few people know

that we actually are related yeah very few people know that we're not we're not putting it out there on the interwebs too much but yeah you know we tell them because I usually stay away from this should we tell them who's the older one and who's the younger one Keep it a mystery. It's up to you. You know what? We'll just keep it a mystery. They don't need to know everything.

They don't need to know all the details about our family. Can I do this for us? Sure, sure, sure. Why you got to be so nosy? Why you got to get into me and my brother's business? Why don't you leave us alone? We're going to give you this much. We're not giving you this much.

Dial it down, Nacho. Just leave me and my brother alone. We'll give you what we want to give you. Exactly. Hey, folks. If you're constantly on the move and tired of skipping all the meals that you skip, Hewell has you covered. Yes, Hewle has already sold over 500 million meals around the world.

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Reach things on high shelves. Oh, that's right. I can't do that. Thanks for bringing it up, Harlan. That must be tough if you're ever in the apocalypse, and there's no one around, and there's like 40 cans of beans sitting up on a shelf, and you're just like, mother. Dude, if people always talk about that, they say, like, oh, what would you do to survive in the apocalypse?

I go, I'm not. You're not, yeah. I'm not. Yeah, you're right. I'm kicking off. If it's a nuclear winner, if it's whatever, an investation of something, I'm like, you know what? I don't want to rebuild society. I'm going to leave that to somebody who graduated college.

You're like a zombie hors d'oeuvre, really. I really am. You're like a party snack. Yes. I really am. That and the brain is low to the ground. The head is low. It's a big head.

There's a big brain in there. Like, like, I think the zombies bite me first, and then now they have a taste for brains, and then they take over the world. It is a big head. What's going on with, first of all, let me get through the name thing, because I like, and I don't want to offend anyone, but I'm just going to be honest, I like midget more than dwarf. Dwarf to me sounds too, like it almost sounds too mystical, like I'm in Narnia, like I'm Lord of the Rings, like I'm in Walt Disney. yeah it almost i find i'm not a dwarf obviously but like my name has to be an adjective or a verb like a happy asleepy a sneezy yeah we don't want that no doesn't have to be that or sexy oh that's the eighth one they wouldn't let that one into the disney one or fucky

fucky well what'd you do in that green room guy you weren't playing parcheasy that's very true i was fucky that day ladies and gentlemen fucky the dwarf they never let him in Fucky the Dwarf sounds like a rejected Jeff Dunham puppet. He tried to bring him out after Peanut one night, and it just didn't go very well. No, it sounds like the puppet that when he goes back to his green room, you're plowing his puppet. So I'll tell this story to get back, but don't worry, we'll get back. Oh, yeah, we will. I did a show in Montreal, and Jeff Dunham was hosting the show.

It was one of those gala. Yeah, the puppet guy, yeah. Yeah, it was one of those gals at the first. festival and he that was a that was a manly slurp that was right well done well done that slurp will put hair on your chest truck driver style my god suck a dandies and then go fuck a cracker barrel yeah i love that so i'm doing the show with jeff i get done with my set jeff comes back on stage i'm supposed to walk off the stage jeff goes brad get out here get out here and i'm like oh all right and we're just okay we're going and he goes i just wanted i just

want to get a photo. And I'm like, okay. And he has his assistant come out and there, we're, we're going to take a photo. And then I go, no, if we're going to take this photo, we're going to do it right. So I grab, I, I, I grab the bar stool. I climb up on the bar stool, took a little over an hour and a half, but I got to the top of it. Yeah, that's my Mount Everest right there. You crested, yeah. Exactly. I had a Sherpa and everything. Wow. And then I love those dogs by the way. Great. And then I get up there on the bar stool. I tell Jeff, hey, put your hand on my back. So now he's got his hand on my back

and I'm like staring off into the distance and we start doing a little improv with the puppetry. It was great. Oh, I love that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was a lot of fun. It's actually available on YouTube. If you type in Brad Williams, Jeff Dunham, that'll come up. So yeah.

That's what I love. You have a sense of humor about it. It's fun. You're not trying to offend anybody. And a lot of your act deals with it. Like having fun with, is it called dwarfism? Yeah, dwarfism. I have what's called a chondroplastic dwarfism.

So you're a spider? Yes. You're a spider dwarf. Yes. And a chondri of what? Yeah. A chondroplastic dwarfism. I have...

Okay. Let's not get fancy. I have a chondroplasia. That's the term. And that's... I lost four of the arms, obviously. Yeah. Because I'm no longer a spider.

Yeah. Six? Oh, I would have been such a great basketball. Six of the arms. Yeah. Spiders have eight. Oh, yeah. I was counting the legs.

Oh, the legs, okay. My bad. I didn't see the legs. I'm sorry. Most people don't. Yeah. But yes. And a chondroplasia is characterized by small arms, small legs.

I have an average size torso, because as you're looking right now, you can see that you and I are kind of making an icon. Yeah. We're the same height. I didn't get up here in a booster seat. I'm not way down there. I'm right here with you. And then we have this is one of my favorite. characteristics, we have prominent buttocks.

Wow. Or as I say, baby got back. Yes, that's right. And if you look up the description of a contraplasia, you will see, prominent buttocks. I might get you up on this table to show it later, but I want to, I probably want to spank you after the podcast. That's fine. I won't even feel it. I got so much cake back there.

Last longer for me. I just want to spank the crap out of you little butt. It's fine. And when I say little buddy, I mean, little buddy. Oh, yeah, exactly, exactly. All right, so I like the term midget, but that's just me. Yeah, and that's a term that a lot of little people, dwarves, don't really like. Me personally, I never got it.

I never got into that thing. Like I said, it was like, for me, it's all about the intent. But a lot don't. There's actually a high school in North Dakota. whose mascot is the midgets and a lot of little people want them to change their mascot I just want them to send me a t-shirt

because like it says home of the mighty midgets and I'm like I kind of want to be a mighty midget yeah it's like a superhero mighty midget yeah he was kicked out of the Avengers he was too awesome he was mighty midget

he handles small crimes exactly like shoplifting that's his deal keying a car. He'll take you out. Mighty midget, put that chocolate bar back. Did you scrape this car?

And then he comes in and head butts you with the giant noggin. Oh, giant skull. We're going to get into that. I contacted the Audubon Society. We're going to do some science. But I would love it if, and I hope this isn't offensive. I'd like to just read, because you guys are cute. Can we call you tiny tenders?

Ooh. Or nuggets? See, someone, I forgot. Little tender one. Someone had people McNugget. And I thought that was pretty good. I thought that was a good term. Especially if you have psoriasis, because then you got the crusty outer coating.

I tried to coin the term, a new term for little people. I tried to coin the term, Big Dick Magoos. Oh, wow. So, yeah, you call us Big Dick Magoos. Do they have, do you guys have, do you guys have? big, you know what is? Or is everything proportionate? Well, that's the thing. It's kind of a little column A, little column B

because they're proportionate but my legs are small, but my torso's average size. So on me, it just looks massive. Right. It looks so big. It's like an optical illusion. Yeah, it's like one of those magic eyes where you're going to cross your eye and turn off the light and have it be a Wednesday and then you see a boat.

Oh, God. Yeah, it's like that. Wow. My dick is like a Escher painting. You're not sure where it goes, where it starts. Exactly. I'd like to put a slinky on your wiener because it would never end. And then I could go downstairs. Yeah, forever.

That's how, that's how, that's, if a slinky were go to hell, it would be to go into an Escher painting. It would just never stop. Ah, eternal stairs. All right. If you're watching on YouTube and you don't know what we just talked about, open up a separate window. Just Google Escher painting. Asher. And the last minute will make complete sense to you.

Yeah, I'll drop a picture. of an Escher painting so they know. It sounds fantastic. So tiny tenders, tidily twinks. Mm-hmm. I support all of these.

Puffy, fluffy. Sydney Snodgrass, which is, I don't even, I think that's an accountant somewhere. Sounds like a Dr. Seuss character. Yeah, that's,

we went two Seuss. Yeah, yeah, two Seas. Like we kind of went and then we went Suez. You never want to go full Seuss. We don't want to go full Seuss. And can I dispel this myth

because, you know, I've heard this a lot, I've read about this a lot, do dwarfs you don't lay eggs do you no no no no okay we don't we don't okay we don't lay eggs

because I've heard stories people of I've heard stories of people like in Costa Rica Bermuda they're on the beach they see a dwarf swim up and lay eggs in the sand

and make more dwarfs those are called turtles I just blew your mind didn't I hold on what the fuck Guy for real? Yeah, those are turtles.

They go up on the sand. I thought turtles lived on the land. No, no, no, they're literally called sea turtles. They have fins. So those aren't? Those aren't my people. No, no, no. I know.

I feel like I just told you Santa Claus isn't real. This is why, see, this is why we want to break this down. We want to break down the science here. So people stop seeing sea turtles on the beach and yelling out, there's a dwarf right there. Wow. But it's fun. funny because you have these statues on the desk. So almost every culture has a mythical little person.

Oh, really? Explain. So like there's elves, there's leprechauns, there's nobs. And then in the Hawaiian culture, there's a mythical dwarf called the Menehune. And Menehune are these little pranksters that go around the island and pull pranks on people. so when i so when i do a gig in hawaii people freak the fuck out so like jackass midgets yeah it's like the it's like uh we man's ancestors are all are all hawaiian wait what kind what kind of pranks are we talking about you know they'll hide your stuff they'll they'll they'll move things that where

you thought they were they'll they'll fuck your girlfriend in a green room uh something like that you know just little pranksters wow i didn't know about that yeah and they're men of who Menehune. Yeah, so if you go to Hawaii, ask the locals about the Menehune, and they'll point to my poster. So this is sort of akin to, what's that, the Mexican one, El Chupo, Chupacabra? Chupacabra is more of a goat eater. It's more of a monster, not really doing pranks. What about Bigfoot?

It's sort of like... The exact opposite of Bigfoot. Yeah, I guess so. Small foot. Yeah, small foot, little foot. but a lot of cultures have a mythical little person somehow involved in it I did a gig in Ireland last year I went to Dublin Harlan You're lucky they let you come home

That was the thing Oh please tell me you stood at the end of a rainbow Oh I was so worried Harlan Well that's the thing I was always standing at the end of the rainbow Because wherever I was walking it was just following me Yeah it thought I was its daddy Wow Did you ever take a dump in the street and tell people it was a pot of gold

Thousand percent Yeah It's like you're in my head already It was so much fun, because I could do just about anything in Ireland. They're like, oh, those leprechauns, they're tricky. Wow. Yeah, it was great. There's actually where I was doing the gig in Dublin at a wonderful theater called Vicker Street, there was actually...

Oh, Vickr Street. Oh, Vickr Street. I swear I lost me virginity. Three times, even. Three times. That's where the dwarf was telling his jokes. Oh, that's right. I love it.

Right behind Vickr Street. Shitterly Timbers. There's the... leprechaun museum and people told me that I should go there and I go absolutely not why I'd go there and they would shut the doors and be like we finally we finally got one we caught one yeah it's all a trap exactly I'm like you're not you're not gonna get me that way or what if you just set up like shop and you could have made a fortune take a picture with lucky do a do a meet and greet yeah oh man send him an invoice speaking of meat okay speaking of meat we talked a little bit

about the sexy stuff. Sure. Just due to the size, and I'm just trying to, you know, inform our audience, when you and your lady, if she's a dwarf, when you're 69,

like I think I wrote down the number here. I figure if you're 69, it's got to, you got to change the name to a 34.5. Absolutely. Thousand percent. We should absolutely do that.

And I just, I'm trying to, visualize it. Please. And I'm thinking, you sort of need the longer appendages to get the leverage to do the 69. So the 34.5,

I'm just picturing almost two sides of beef laying on top of each other. Well, we've got to be careful because if it's two dwarfs 69 or 34 and a half. Yeah, 34.5. 34.5. If two dwarves are 34.5, patent

pending, we have, the heads are large so we have to be very careful when we're going in you know when we're going in there yeah because we don't want to do a a headbut and then and then we all come out with bruises and that's not very fun i i don't want a girl to a girl dwarf to smash my junk during a during a 34.5 i don't want that to happen what about at the museum would you do it there oh i'll set i'll set up an only fans and retire are you kidding me let's go have you ever done a 69 i know that's very personally You don't have the answer, you have?

Yeah, of course. Talk to me, guy. World 634.5. Yeah, well, yeah, because, but it's very interesting because when I do it with average-sized women, as we've seen, my torso, average size, we are sitting the same size. So, like, her, you know, her appendages are going all over the place because of the, because of the abnormal amount of pleasure that she is receiving at that moment. Okay. But then my appendages aren't going everywhere because they're very tiny. It does look like a spider that, like, took a wood shop class and got a few limbs cut off.

Oh, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It is very interesting. It's almost like she's putting on a towel or something. Yes. Wow. That's exactly what it is. It's like that's where the sham wow comes from.

The sham wow. Yeah, it's a very absorbent little person. Now, people are probably wondering, like, is there a, obviously, With dwarfs, there's the whole, you know, community of dwarfism, people who are part of it. Sure, sure. But would you say in your experience there's an attraction or a kink or is there a big, like, sort of fetish towards, like, normal-sized women going after, like, shorter guys like that? Yeah. Is that a thing?

There certainly is. Really? In your experience, did you find a lot of women like, hey, I'd love. love to be with like, thank God I did, Harland. Really? Was there a lot of it? Yeah, that, that was my 20s. And it was great.

It was wonderful. I had a great time. And there were some people going, like, didn't you feel exploited? And I go, no. No. I was coming. Yeah. I felt, I felt exploded.

Yeah, wow. It was great. And what was their, like, kind of, what was their mindset for? Like, what they just liked the physicalness of it? Like, what was the? I think it was a curiosity. Yeah. I think there was that.

Now, I also, there was one of the greatest movies of all time. There we go. I mean, I'm pretty sure all the critics have it as one of the top five movies of all time. A Dane Cook film called Good Luck Chuck. Yeah. There's that esteemed piece of cinema. The character Dane plays has a syndrome where when he has sex with a woman, the next person they have. have sex with is the one that they marry.

So it's the sort of... Wow. Complicated. Yes. So what happened with me is I got a little bit of the good luck Chuck syndrome. I've kept track. And 12 women after they were with me, the next guy they ended up marrying. So I don't know if it was like, we got to get a little fun out before I settle down.

I don't know if I want to try something new. Or maybe I was so bad that they just did it and went, oh, no. No, no, no, I'm settling down. Yeah, so 12. You know if you're bad or not. Were you bad or good? I have no idea because I don't know if they're faking it because they're like, well, he's a dwarf. I don't want to tell him he's bad in bed too.

I don't want to hurt his little feelings. It could break his wee little heart. Is there a position that was just impossible to do? Like, is there any sexual position where you're just like, can't get there? Oh, standing up. Nothing lines up. I mean, I could do other things standing up. Yeah, yeah.

But the main one of standing up, or if a woman ever said, carry me, I'd have to look at her like, you carry me. Yeah, right. That's not going to go well. Did a woman ever just pick you up and you, like, just kind of bounced you on the car seat type of thing? Yep, one time, yeah. Wow. Russian? Yeah, Jacksonville, Florida.

Russian woman? Yeah, strong like bowl. Yeah. Oh, wow. It was great. So, you know, there's a lot of people that wanted to try things. that's fine. I'm all for two consenting adults going together, or three or 12, whatever the hell you got. If everybody's into it, have all the fun you want. And people would come to me and

they would tell me that they would have a little thing that they wanted to try. And I'd be like, I'm down. I'm down for scientific research. You are down. Yeah. Down to the ground. Exactly. Wow. Well, let's break down because, you know, you said a few times about the skull. Yeah, it's big. It's a lot bigger, so I want to break it down. I'm trying to understand why it's bigger. And I reached out to the Audubon Society, and if you'll indulge me, I will indulge. They sent me a male and a female dwarf skull. Okay. And I'm wondering if we can just sort of look at the anatomy of this. That looks very familiar. And why is it so much bigger than like, let's say, my skull.

Yeah. Well, there's something... I mean, I'm not really supposed to say, but it's widely known in our community. I don't really want this to get out. But we have telepathic abilities, and that's where the larger skull comes from. Really?

Yeah. Like sort of like alien sort of thing or something? So dwarves have the ability to communicate with each other just with our thoughts. like if I had kind of like how Aquaman does with all the creatures at the sea like if I wanted to I wouldn't do it now I would you know because we're doing a podcast but if I wanted to I could send out a signal and I could have a hundred dwarves flooding this place in a matter of minutes really matter of minutes it's like it's like an SOS like you know

we can send it out and other dwarves get the signal you know what's perfect about that I just for emergency purposes. I have a little farm girl dress and ruby red slippers in my bedroom. Like you do. And I could be Dorothy in about 10 minutes if you'll give me some prep time. Oh, sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cool. Because like there's quite a few

like most dwarves, we have a Dorothy fetish. Yeah. And we also have a snow white fetish. Because these are these beautiful women that hung out with a lot of little people. but then like Dorothy goes off with a tin man and a lion and a in a scarecrow

preposterous They have all those munchkins right there She had all the munchkins that could eat That she could eat Yeah and you left And Snow White I mean she's hanging out with the dwarves And they're all protecting her

They give her a bed to sleep in They're diamond miners Women love diamonds They're the girl's best friends And then she still goes off And ends up with a prince Who if you remember the story actually makes out with her while she's legally dead.

Because remember she's in the coffin. Necrophilia. Yeah, so she ends up with a necrophiliac over the dwarf. I don't stand for this, Harlan. I don't stand for it at all. It's really frustrating. Well, for those that are sort of naysayers, I think we have a test we can do to kind of prove this.

Could we put your hat on this skull? I think it's going to fit perfectly, and then people will sort of put it on. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Look at that. Look at that. Are you kidding me?

I mean, people are going to Rogan's podcast for science. This is science right here. I mean, if that doesn't prove, that's a perfect fit. Yeah, that's my skull. Oh, dude. Yeah. I don't know where you got that. That might even be one of my relatives.

Do you want to, can you do, you know what? What's a quick joke? you have like a quickie and I'm gonna just mime it I think people would like to see your skull in action yes okay so you do a quick joke and I'll just try and mime it ready so this is what it looks like if like my x-ray was telling a joke okay all right I'm in a mixed race relationship my wife is half Chinese I'm half oops sorry sorry that wait now I'm talking sorry can we start again Sorry. All right. I'll do another joke. Yeah. Did you hear about the gay dwarf?

Yeah, he came out of the cupboard. There you go. And then do a laugh. That was more of an evil laugh. Like, I'm going to take over the world. See, thank you for the science. And just because I don't want people to have problems with it, let's bring out a female.

Uh, so they can see the difference. Sure. A female, uh, yes, dwarf skull. Yes, this is a female girl skull. A little different, a little differently shaped, as you can see. Mm-hmm. But the teeth, I mean, you know, part of me wonders if an eagle did fly down. You might be able to fend it off a little.

Yeah, I mean, we, those are some weapons. Those are some, man, those are some bicuspids, man. I didn't realize until I saw the skulls up. By the way, supplied by Audubon Society, I didn't realize Dors had such large canine teeth. I mean, I'd love to take you to Ruth Chris later and watch you tear through a steak. Oh, I'll do it happily. I'd like to see you tear through my dog. Happily.

Look at that. Give me a porter house. I will rip that thing up. Yeah, so the women have a little bit, the male skills a little more elongated. Yes. But so fascinating science. Yeah, fascinating science. In fact, and this is true.

This is absolutely true. Yeah. It was a dwarf who actually was one of the first people to map the human body. Wait, what? This is real. Oh, because they could walk across it. Exactly. We could walk right into the arteries and we could see the whole thing.

Got it. Wait, talk to me. That's some tough science. It's an Italian dwarf. What's his name? Is it fetuccini? Lasagna. Danny lasagna?

Bowtie pasta. Oh, Ginoqui? Is it Jimmy Ginochi? Jimmy Gennonoke. Jimmy Gonoki. Oh, wow. Oryokey, as they say. Oh, all right.

Tagitalia, Billy Tagatalia. Matt. Johnny Angel hair, scallopini. I mean, I'm guessing. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes?

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Oh, here, yes. God, you're triggering me right now, Hart. Sorry, sorry. Harlan, I lost my cousin that way, okay? All right, it's a little. Sorry, guy. All right, so. So, it was a brachio, brachio, brachio did Bartolo.

Oh, great with a mushroom sauce, by the way. Yeah, I think you can order that at Bucca to Beppo. Fucked out. I'm going to get an olive garden for half price. Wait, what did he do? He mapped. Okay, so winter's almost over. We've all been holed up.

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one of the first people to map the human body in terms of in terms of anatomy so he would he would find he found out where everything was no one wanted to cut up in a body and just like look and say oh that's where the liver is yeah like he he was the first one to do it he was a dwarf wow yeah yeah so huh look at that is that okay dwarf history right there well this brings up an interesting question Who would you say in is the most famous dwarf in the world, according to all time or currently? I would say all time.

All time. All time I would throw out Billy Barty. Well, I'm not going to throw him. Well, you could. Especially now that he's dead. But that would be disrespectful. Wait, was Billy Barty an actor? Yes.

He was an actor. Okay. And then he founded the Little People of America, LPA and that's the organization that where we can go and find resources and meet people and have inventions and stuff like that. I'm going to one this summer. It's going to be fantastic. Wait, what's the purpose of it? Just to kind of congregate and be with your own folks type of thing? Yeah, so the purpose of it on paper is to like go, there's doctors there, it builds a sense of community, raise yourself, self-esteem. The real purpose of this,

is to bone. You know, not those, but like you bone. Like it's a sex. Yeah, you find someone who's another little person,

and you bone. But I thought you were married. I am married, but see, here's the thing. I'm not, no, not doing that.

Little ones get a pass. Not doing that. The tender tootsies get a pass. Okay. Not doing that. Okay. But it does build a sense of community and I'll get serious for a second.

I do have a daughter who also has, Oh, okay. Yeah. I know you've showed me pictures of the daughter. So she can know that there's other little people out there. So we're going to go. Oh, that's so sweet. Yeah. And when, when, when, when, when, when you conceive a child, is it like sort of a, because your wife is not, she's average size. Yeah. Yeah. Is there a 50, 50 chance at. Yeah. Yeah. We had a 50, 50 shot. So we rolled the dice. And I'm obviously, I think I know the answer. There's no you going, oh, I hope she's this or that. But yeah. you, did you have a reaction when you found out? Like, how did that feel? So now, so now we're going to get a little deep,

huh? Yeah, I want to get deep. Well, it's deep for you. I'm standing above it. You're in the shallow and like, it's in my knees. It's just deep for you. It's no big deal. I'm getting in there. I'm on my shins. When I did find out that she was going to be a little person, I did get really depressed. And the reason why, and the reason why is because I thought, well,

any problem she has in her life that are, because of dwarfism, well, those are my fault. I passed it on to her, so I gave that. But my wife, God bless this woman, she's a wonderful. She's beautiful, yeah. Wonderful human being. She told me, she's like, well, there's always little people in the world. There's always going to be dwarves in this world. I think our daughter's a luckiest one.

She gets to be raised by you. So someone who has the knowledge and the life experience, and you're going to be able to guide her where there's other little little people in the world that have average-sized parents that I wanted a football player and then their dwarf son comes out and then they're pissed off. No, I'm going to give her all the love.

I'm going to show her all the guidance, show her that she could succeed. Oh, that's beautiful. Can we do a group, ah, three? One, two, three. Aw. And one more. One, two, three.

Ah. Yeah. That's beautiful. So, yeah, my wife is a damn champion for that. Let me put you in myself into your shoes, even though they won't fit. No, no, no. Was there a part of you that went, oh, yes, she's like me. I'm going to have this incredible sort of special bond with her.

There must have been a little piece where you were. There was that. Where you were like, because you, I mean, only you could relate to her on that level, you know? And especially I know as she gets older. Yeah. And because right now all the kids, you know, she's five. All the kids are about the same size in school. Like it's not a dramatic difference

But you know, she's not going to get much bigger than she is right now And they're and they're going to grow And then when it becomes a little bit more of a chasm Then I can kind of guide her through those times But she will look to me like, all right, well, dad did it And that's the other thing that I want her to know Is that when she sees me performing and photos of me talking In front of thousands of people

These theaters and stuff like that I want her to see like, oh wow Like yeah, you can do it You can do it. Like if she wants, oh, and she loves, she likes singing already. Oh, really? She likes singing in front of the audience. We were on a Disney cruise, which, by the way, Dwarf on a Disney cruise, no one believed I didn't work there.

No one. Right. Yeah, I was just walking around. Everyone's like, hey, what time is the show? And I'm like, there's no show. And you're like, oh, aren't you an entertainment? I'm like technically, yes, but not this week. That also sounds like a fancy drink.

Like, if you ever heard of Sex on the Beach? Yeah. Like dwarf on a Disney cruise, that sounds like I want to get hammered to like six of the hosts. Oh my God, I can only imagine a cop pulling you over, be like, you know why I pulled you over? I know why you pulled me over. I had one too many dwarves on a Disney cruise the other night. Yeah, but anything to drink, sir. Just a couple of dwarfs on a Disney cruise, Your Honor.

Well, let me ask you this, continuing on this theme. because you indicated that there was a little bit of that bond. Yeah, absolutely. Was there a foreseeable bond due to the physical size of her, knowing that as she grew, you as daddy hugging her or tucking her in at night or going to her graduation or whatever? Was there anything in your head where you're like,

you know what, it's going to be really cool that I can just hold on to her physically and be the same size? Or was that even something? entered your head. Definitely something, but here, but here's something. Excuse me. Yeah, here, here, here's something that'll get you. So she did this little, uh, uh, once again, vigorous, manly slurped from you. Manly, I love it. Yeah. You want another one? Yeah. Little, uh, A.S.M. Har. Yeah. If you want to teach that to your daughter, too, that might make her seem bigger. Absolutely. That could be a big move. Be a little more threatening.

She can come in, I may be small, but. And everyone would just think, well, it's almost like watching her grow. You would never fight a guy who slurped like that. No. I wouldn't. I'd be terrified. No.

So she's doing this, she's doing this kindergarten play for the, which one? Guys and dolls. She was a doll. Yeah. And she's doing this kindergarten play. And it's like a holiday pageant.

Everyone's singing on stage. And then during the pageant, she wanders into the middle of the stage. She's not supposed to, but she wanders in the middle of stage and starts singing and dancing all by herself as a solo performer. And because she's a little person and I'm a little person, it's not like I could stand up, be like, well, whose kid is that? Whose kid is ruining the shit? No, everyone knows. That's Brad's kid.

Yeah, that's my kid. And, yeah, she was out there. But also, she doesn't mind the spotlight. Well, can you do me a favor? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know I love her. Okay. Excuse me.

Don't let her sing outside because to a bald eagle, that's just like, that's like a call. Like they'll zone in on that and she'll be swooped in a second. She'll be like a salmon during spawning season. Yeah, no, no, no. Just swoop, grab. She's only going to sing inside, covered up, all right, with a tarp over her head. Has there ever been a humiliating moment due to your size where you really? Which one?

Well, was there one that stood out? Or you were just like, and I hope this isn't too personal. No, no, no, no, it's fine, fine, fine. Was there one where you just were like, good God, that hurt or that made me feel bad? Or I just want to, like, jump. What happened? Two weeks ago. Two weeks ago, it was, I took my family to this restaurant.

It's like a little patio area. It's outdoors. It's really nice. You can say it, Olive Garden. Yeah, exactly. I don't want to brag about how much. much money I'm making, but yeah, Olive Garden. We get the unlimited salad and breadsticks, but I still pay for them. Yeah. I still pay for a new order every time. That's how much money

I have, Hollywood. I go free, screw this. No, I'm paying for it. Play ya. Yeah, absolutely. Okay, what happened? So we're on this patio, and a bunch of the kids are running around. My daughter's running around with some of her friends, and there's a small girl, a young girl who is not necessarily from the neighborhood who sees me doesn't, I've never seen me before and just runs up to me, points at me, and just starts going and just starts laughing right in my face and pointing.

And now, I've had kids say things before. It's okay. I know their children. This is new to them. So I usually go into a little routine about what dwarfism is. And I kind of explain it in kid terms for it. And it works 99% of the time.

Not at all of it. Garden. This was the 1% this was the 1% that did not work. Was it during Scallop Fest, by the way? Yeah. Yeah, those are the worst kids, the seafood kids.

Absolutely. What happened? She just keeps, no matter what I say, she just keeps pointing and laughing at me. And at that moment, I'm like, I need to leave right now because if I don't, all of Olive Garden is going to see me.

Yeah, exactly. Call it. Attack mode, yeah. I can't be on TMZ. What did Brad Williams arrested for. Well, he beat up a kid at Olive Garden during Scallop Fest, during Scallop Fest, you know, he called, he called a seven-year-old girl a twat, and then everything just went on from there. She had it coming, though. So I just went to my wife and I said, I have to go right now

before I've committed a crime. Now, I will want to say this, because I do live in a small town, so her parents may listen to the Harlan Highway. The parents of the, of the child, were very nice. They came over. They were very like, we are sorry. That is not what we do. And then they actually paid for our meal. So I do want to throw that out there. Well, it's easy to pay for your meal. You don't eat much.

No, you forget. It was a limited salad and breadsticks. And I just keep paying for them. Every new order. Do you ever do the Pogo thing on the breadsticks? Did you ever jump right? Of course I do. Of course. You're not a good dwarf if you don't Pogo. Can I tell you a story that might take some of the

edge off of that pain because that is a tough story. Sure, sure, sure. I'm going to tell you a true story that happened to me. Okay. And this might, not that I want the story to be worse for the guy I'm going to tell you about, but maybe it lessens the impact of the humiliation you felt. Sure, sure, sure, sure. So years ago when I was about 25, 26, I went to Fiji.

Good for you. And I went, there's this series of islands off of Fiji called the Asawa, islands. It's a cluster of probably 60 little islands. Wow. And it's stunning. It's beautiful. They shut the movie Blue Lagoon there with Brook Shields. Wait, on the, I've been to this island. The Yasawa Islands? I've been there. Me and my wife went there right before we started, we knew we were going to have a kid. And then so we went there. It's called the baby moon where you go and you kind of have a great vacation before you're tied down. Off of Fiji. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh my God, I've been there. Okay. So you know what it looks like. It's stunning.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I went on this little seven-day boat cruise where it didn't just go to one of the islands. It's circumnavigated through all of them. So we would sail all day. They would find a harbor, drop anchor. We'd sit in the boat. You know, it was a small boat.

It only held about 30 guests. Okay. And it was very intimate, beautiful food, and it would drop in just random harbors along the way. We would pick a new place every night. That's wonderful. Most of the islands were abandoned, but the ones that weren't abandoned, they were still ruled, according to Fijian law. Each island had its own chief, and the chief was the ruler of the island, like a king.

He delegated the laws, he made the rules, and there was a real hierarchy to the island that superseded the Fijian government. They allowed these individual islands to have their own government. Okay, okay, okay. So on our boat was a man of your size, a German guy, with a thick sort of beard. Okay. And very similar, probably I'd say around the same height, maybe even possibly a little bit shorter. How dare he? And he was like, yeah, how dare he?

It's supposed to be the same height. And he was the nicest guy. And this was probably like, I don't know, the third last day into our voyage. And we all got to know each other. Yeah, you're on a small boat every night. It became a very intimate group. Yeah. And one day they said, hey, tomorrow we're landing on one of the islands.

The villagers are allowing us to come to the island to meet their chief. It's a special thing. They're going to do a ceremonial dance. So we land, we pull up, and we have to sort of jump out of the boat in a little bit of ocean water and walk up onto the beach. And here's this island full of black children. and the black village, the culture, the Fijians, beautiful people. And of course, they've never, they haven't seen a lot of white people to begin with.

Let alone. Let alone a dwarf, which is to them a small person, but looks like a man. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The beard and everything. And this poor guy, he waddled up out of the water. Sort of like a sea turtle. Allegedly. He waddled up out of the water.

And the children's faces, like there was probably 30, 40 of them, young kids. And they were just, they went through this range of emotions from being scared to like mystified. And then they did it. They had no point of reference. And they were just like, he, like 30, 40 of them pointed and giggled. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And the guy was very gracious. He just walked through it.

But the children, it was just pure innocence. They had no idea. Well, and that's the thing is, they've never seen it. I don't get mad when, like, it hurts sometimes, but I don't get mad at the kid because the kid doesn't know. There's no point of reference. If a green goblin just landed on earth with spikes and flags coming out of their body and then you just see them, you might.

Like a pride mention. Yeah. You might stare a little bit. You might have a comment because you have no point of reference. You have no point of reference. And then they sort of settled down, but. It was a fascination they were, they were staring at him. Until he slaughtered them all and killed the chief and now he owns that island.

He's the chief, yeah. Wow, good for him. Yeah, I've heard of this little person. Das's chief dolphin midgens. Yeah, that's the only German island now. So I recently learned there is a German word for a, for a, how do I say this? Okay, let me find this. The word is Kumsvug.

Kamsvuk. Kemsvuk. And it's... Also a sex act in West Hollywood, just to be clear. 1,000%. Kuntzv. Okay. Kamsvug means combat dwarf.

Oh, wow. In German. Whoa. Combat dwarf. What the hell is a combat dwarf? It's a little person with aggression problems. Wow. Wow.

K-A-M-P-M-M-P-M-E-M-S-E. F-Z, W-E-R-G, Kumpsvug. Kumsvug. Yeah. Did Hitler have an army of those, do you know? He should have. Did Hitler have a Kuntzvug on me? I mean, obviously not a Hitler fan, but if he would have...

You're not? Loser. Like you have to make that statement. Not a Hitler's fan. Yeah, just putting it out there. You know, a lot of people take controversial. stands on podcasts. I'm going to go, I'm, I'm, I'm going to go full controversy here, get the views up. Not a fan of crushing puppy skulls on a curb, but just so you know.

Not my thing. Not my thing. Because Hitler had the youth army. He had the, so why won't he go on super them the Konsenberg? Yeah, he didn't have the Kumsweig army, which, you know, if he had, we might all be speaking German right now. Yeah. You know? Because I've got to tell you, if I was a soldier, if I was a U.S. soldier, and I'm crossing the planes with my, my bayonet my gun and like a herd of like Konsenbergs

comes flying over the hill I mean that's scary man Komsvug, yeah like they're just raging I'd feel like a bunch of cabbage patch kids got loose with machine guns I'd be scared to even fire at him

because I'm like well I can't shoot a kid yeah I probably shoot him he'll divide into another Komsvug and then he'll just keep attacking me I'll just make the army bigger how do we do this selfishly I got to be honest I would love to see a Conchberg step on a landmine. That guy would go

right to the moon. If a Comstvurg stepped on a landmine, it would basically be like one of those confetti cannons. Like the t-shirt cannons. That would be like the longest punt in the NFL ever.

Just the $6 million man kicking a football. I would love to see a. It would go be. just get lodging the scoreboard up there. That's got to be a new event in the Olympics, the Conchburg Landmine. Oh, yeah.

You've heard of the high jump. Yeah. Now we're doing the Comsville. Fuck the pole vault. Watch the Conchbergs. By the way, if you ever want to get ratings for the Olympics up, if the Olympic ratings are struggling,

add some new events. They tried this past Olympics. They added break dancing. There was that Australian. woman who was doing all those moves. She looked broken, by the way. Yeah, it's the only event where you'd have to wear the eclipse glasses to watch it. You just feel like, oh, there goes the country blood.

Oh, he'd go really far. Why am I doing a Chinese? I don't know. I was trying to do German. And then you slipped into Chinese. I was trying to do so German, and I slip into the Chinese. Yeah, why'd you do that? These Conchbergs, they freak me up.

Combsvug is my new favorite word. Yeah, I like it. If anyone wants to get some Brad Williams Kompzvug tattoos, I think you should. Well, just to be clear, too, get the Brad Williams tattoo. Don't get the bookshelf from IKEA. There's also a Kansford there. There's a Kamsvug.

So, yeah, when you tell the tattoo artist, make sure he knows the difference. Because you don't want to be walking down the beach and you got an IKEA bookshelf tattoo. You don't want that. What the hell's on your back? That's a Conchberg. No, it's not.

Conchberg has a beard and a little hat. Do you want to hear a cool dwarf story? Always. Always. I don't know if I ever told you this, but I think you'll like this. This is a bit of movie trivia. Okay.

I did a movie called Rocket Man. Yes, you did. And in the movie, we had a monkey, and we went on Mars. And me and the monkey had to walk around on Mars, a chimpanzee, which is actually an ape. Yeah. Sorry.

No, that's a dwarf. Oh, yeah. Sorry. I'm only your patty his skull. But the chimp, Brad. Yeah. Stick to the bit, Brad. The chimp wouldn't put the spacesuit on.

Yeah. It freaked it out. Because it didn't know what it was doing. It didn't know it was a space suit. All of a sudden, you're randomly putting a shell on top of the chimp's head. Yeah, yeah. So guess what we did? Oh, no.

We brought in Vern Troy or Mini Me. Minimmy was the little chimp and rocket man. Isn't that wild? That's amazing. Yeah. Did you know him? I only met him one time, which is random because I met him in an... It sounds like a sexual encounter, but I met him in an elevator at the Detroit airport. Did you have a Vokhtenberg?

A Kempstvug with me? He became my Kumpsvug. Wow. You met him in an elevator? Yeah, just randomly two dwarves are just walking into an elevator. It sounds like a bar joke. Like two jokes walk into an elevator. Can you do the joke?

Okay, okay, okay, okay. Go. Two dwarves walk into an elevator. They all look at each other and they say, well, I guess we're getting off on the first floor. And then the laugh. I don't know why I'm laughing like the million dollar man, Ted DiBiase. That was actually a good joke. That was off the dome.

Yeah, that was off the dump. Well, I remember the telepathic community? Oh, right. The other dwarves were telling me the joke. Maybe Vern was channeling you from the grave. Oh, I hope so, man. Wow. That guy's got some stories I'd like to hear.

Yeah, he was, well, it's funny because he started off when I met him. It was pre-mini Me. Yeah. And he was just this innocent little, like, friendly, like, just kind of. And then I saw him, like, after the whole Mini Me fame, and he was on this reality show. Surreal life. Where he was drinking. and pissing and screwing girls.

And I just went, oh, bird. Like I could tell it all got to him. Not that he lost the beautiful niceness, but I think a lot of the fame might have pushed him in it. Started going a lot to the Playboy Mansion. I'm sure he was having a story. That sort of broke my heart a little. But he was a wonderful, wonderful, great guy.

We had so much fun. Good. And he was a great guy. Yeah. Well, hey, he got some work because of that. Yeah. You know, so that's fine. Yeah.

It's a lot better than, you know, taking all the dwarves out of snow white like they just did. Well, not only that. Let's give us some work. You know what's interesting? Not only did you lose the work because of what they did, but they see G-eyed the dwarfs. Yeah. So you go, oh, great, I lost a job to nothing. To nothing.

Because they're not even real. Right. I don't even get to look at somebody else to be like, well, at least you got the job or you got, I mean, maybe an animator. I know. But, like, could you imagine? Could you imagine Harlan? Any other, like, let's say, let's say. Let's say.

They're telling the historical story of when Chinese people had to build the railroads. Right. And they go, well, we can't have Chinese actors. Yeah. No, that's offensive if we have Chinese people playing Chinese people. Right. So let's CGI. Let's CGI Chinese people.

I mean, like, that would be, that'd be wrong, right? Well, you know what I heard the breaking point was? Okay. Was it? They didn't want to cast Fucky. Because it's Disney, and I think you ruined it, Brad. Where to go, fucky. That's, you know what?

You're probably right. I'm sorry to the entire little people community. I apologize, but as the eighth dwarf, fucky, which if you read the historical texts, was included in the story, in the historical text, Fucky was in there, but Disney said no. And, yeah, they ended up using the. C.G.I. Dwarfs. On behalf of, in honor of that movie, this entire podcast is going to be CGI. Yeah, yeah. You're going to be gone. Yeah. I can't be playing myself.

That's offensive if I come in here and tell dwarf jokes as a dwarf. That's very offensive. But don't forget, you're Fucky though. You're on the you're on the outside. They never let you in. Very true. And by the way, just so you know, fucky's the one that put her into a coma. Check out my merchandise at Harbling.com. Yeah, most people just slap some letters or images on a t-shirt or a hoodie. But not me. Yours truly. Guess what?

I draw my own designs at Harbleng.com. You can see tons of my hand-drawn t-shirts. You can either buy the original or you can buy a print. And man, oh man, wear them loud and proud. I love making these designs for you guys and keeping it personal. So check out the whole catalog. We got hoodies. We got coffee mugs.

We got t-shirts. You name it. It's there at harbling.com. Get your Harland original design, wearable art at harbling.com today. And thank you for your support. And I'll just keep the groovy images coming. Were you genuinely offended by what they did with that movie? Yeah.

I think I would have been too. Yeah, because there's not a lot of acting roles out there. You potentially could have maybe even got one of those roles. I could have been in a Disney movie. I could have taken my daughter to see her dad in a Disney movie. Oh, that would have been amazing, you know? And I'm not saying that they have to be all like old. old white dwarves.

They could have been male, female, dwarves of different races. Whatever, I don't care. That's fine. No, no. Can we stick to the fucking original? Is it a crime?

Is it racist? No. The day you make Wonder Woman a man and Black Panther a honky, let's stick with some shit we're allowed to stick with, okay? I'm going to stand up for that.

If there was an all black dwarf or all Asian dwarf, I'd say leave them all Asian, leave them all black. we just leave some shit alone. Are we going to change Jesus soon? Come on. Well, we kind of already did when we made him a white guy, but okay.

Yeah, you're right. All right. Sorry, everyone's the fun. Thanks, fucky. You know what? Fucky offy. How about that? That's what fuck he does.

I come in here, I make a little mischief. I'm a minute hoon-hunter. Fucking everything up. Yeah. That's fucking-s-s-loosey is sleepy. Dopey is dumb and fucky fucks everything up. I just fuck everything up. You know, I tell Snow White about her surprise party before all the doors jump up.

Thanks, fucky. Yeah, thanks, fucky. So then she walks in the door and she goes, where's my party? And everyone's like, oh, surprise. Fucky. Yeah. Oh, fucky. I love how if this is a clip, you're going to have to put the captions.

Fucky. Yeah, it's all going to have to be FUGGI. No, no, I put real captions. Yeah? Just like I'm not settling for any changes to Snow White. I ain't taping it down for anyone. I love that. If they can't,

if they don't understand the fuck is part of the English language and it's too much for them, they'll go watch a John Wick movie where 700 people get shot in the face, but you can't hear the word fucky. You can't look at fucky in real life. Fucky, say hello.

Fucky you. Thank you. Buddy, this has been so good. Before we go, our final segment. Okay, final segment. This is called Word. from a wooden shoe. Oh, I thought you were pulling out

my first apartment. Oh. Yeah, because I used to live in one of those. You're right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You rented it to you, the old lady. Yeah, the old woman who lived in the shoe. She had so many kids, she didn't know what to do.

So what she ended up doing was she Airbnb'd the shoe. Right. And then a bunch of dwarves moved in. Oh, unfortunately, that's not what this is. But I can see where you'd make that mistake. Obviously. This is a segment we do. It's our final segment.

Random words in the shoe. You reach it, you pulled one out and see if it sparks a story that happened to you or someone you know or anywhere in your journey in life and see what comes out of it. Random words or words. We'll just see what we got, my guy.

Oh, it says, fucky. Whoa, hey, that's me. How are you, Shin Lim? Oh, my God, you're a freaking magician. Shin fucky. Yeah, shin fucky. All right, this says, By the way, have you ever humped someone's leg?

Yeah. That's called Shim Fucky right there. All right, go ahead. I hump John Stamos' leg. Oh, if you've got to do one, it's got to be his. It's got to be Stamos. I did. How long did he keep you on there?

He probably waited until you finished. No, he wanted me off very quickly. Wow. He was not comfortable. Wow, what a loser. What a baby. Doesn't he know you're fucking? I know.

I'm fucky. That's what I do. It's an honor to get your leg hump by fucky. Oh, yeah. All right. Well, this is kind of in the realm of this. This is awkward sex. Oh, wow.

Okay. It says awkward sex. So I'll say this. When people ask me, like, dating in terms of who I've dated or what are, like, do I prefer average-sized people? Do I prefer little people? Yeah. The answer is I don't. I find little people attractive.

I find average-sized people attractive. I really do. But, so the shortest woman I ever dated was 3 foot 7 for reference. I'm 4 foot 4. Wow. But the tallest woman I ever dated was 6 foot 2. Okay. 6 foot 2.

She was a collegiate volleyball player. Wow. And she ever spike you? That was why we broke up. She had a tendency to spike. She'd get too into it. She didn't throw you into the net. Very true.

Very true. Okay. So, but while she was really attractive and a really nice person, and I have nothing but good things to say about her, and now I'm about to say a bad thing about her. Always happens this way. I'll blame myself. I will blame myself for this.

I couldn't continue having relations with her because, and I feel so bad, because I know this is a natural thing, but it just got in my head. she would queef so much and so loud that it would throw me off. I couldn't do it. I couldn't do it. She's really attractive. She's really sweet.

But that, and I'm scared. She's six foot two. I'm four foot four. I'm figuring she queves too hard. I blow into the ceiling fan. Ooh, that's like being in a wind tunnel. Yeah. Now if I, now if I had one of the squirrel suits, I could ride the wave.

Oh, yeah. But I didn't know about that back then. Oh, yeah. Yeah, you could just like glide. Yeah, like drift. Yeah, on the quefe gliders. Now, just so people are clear, because some people don't know what queef means.

A lot of I think of the, quiff is a homosexual in Lower East Side London. Yeah, you fucking quiff. I heard your cousin was your fucking quiff. That's right. Okay, maybe it is. Yeah, it wasn't your cousin a fucking quiff. I think he was.

Hey, it was a fucking quiff. It was a big fucking quiff, that one. It does sound like that. Yeah, it does, right? Thank you. You know what? Should we do a British? Do the quepe voice again.

Yes, right. I had a friend. But then I couldn't be friends with him no more. It turned out he was a fucking quiff. Would you believe it? We're at the pub, right? We're watching a football match. And this fucking quave starts grabbing my junk.

I'm like, what are you doing? Are you a fucking quiff? Hold on. You got locked jaw. Shit. So did the fucking quife. Oh, good. Ending.

Oh, that's why he does it. All right. So just tell them real quick what a quefe is. A quefe, or as the aristocrats call it a pussy fart. Or as fuck you would call it an evil queef. An evil quiff. They're all evil. Some air gets built up in the vaginal area and then at some point it gets released.

And it makes a sound that is confused. Like you would think it's a fart. but it's not now it's natural I'm not saying women are battered for it but it was throwing me off and why I say it was my fault I'm guessing that I didn't possess

the necessary equipment to fill up enough so it didn't create a seal correct so what you put in there was space around the edges exactly the car fit into the garage too well and there was a lot of space there's too much space

the air rushed in and then how many are we talking machine gun queefs like is it was it I'm pretty sure I'm pretty sure machine gun queves played Coachella this year oh you're right I think they did I followed Billy Idol yeah they were the main they moved up to the main stage yeah good point but yes it was a machine gun quiff for like every every time I was in stuff came out so just to recap we came up with a new Disneyland drink what was that called God.

The Disney Fuckland Cruise or something? Oh, the dwarf cruise? We came up with a new tattoo or piece of furniture, the Falcon Grinder. Compsvoke. And then the machine gun queef. Machine gun queef. We've come up with a whole new vocabulary here today. Machine gun queef.

Machine gun queef t-shirts now being sold at brad Williamscomedy.com. But yes, so that was the reason why we had to end it because the sex was very awkward. But she's a wonderful person And I hope she's happy Wherever she is And she deserves all that And yeah So if she's listening to the Harlan Highway

I don't want her to make I don't want her to feel bad It's a natural thing I don't hope she's happy I hope her new boyfriend's happy It's a lot of wins Hey man there's a lot of fetishes out there Maybe there's a quiff fetish out there

Maybe there's a quiff queen Yeah there's probably dudes out there That love a little air in the face You know what I mean They probably find it quite refreshing It's like driving down a country road and a convertible in the summer. Just don't get hit by the dragonfly.

Isn't that the truth. And that was a euphemism for her up being on her period. Can you imagine the tampon just in the middle of the head? The blood's dripping down. Okay. Brad, what a treat to have you here, my brother. Before we go, please take a moment. Tell the folks where you got to see Brad,

to a stand-up comedy. Tell them about your stand-up schedule, you are where they can get the info. If you have a special coming out, let it rip, buddy. Brad Williamscom for all my tour dates. In 2025, I am on the Growth Spurt Tour. I've already announced 2026 tour dates, which is the Tall Tales Tour.

And, yes, Bradwimbscom. You can follow me on Instagram at Brad Williamscomic, and maybe you're a hot sauce aficionado. You can go to my website. There is a link to my hot sauce. It's called Death by Dwarf. Wow. Death by Dwarf hot sauce.

So you can go, I'll send you a pack, Harlan. Really? Okay. I'll send you some death by dwarf. I'd rather you just show up at my door and shoot me. That's what I want for death by a dwarf. So yeah, just go there. And then my most recent special is called Starfish.

It's on YouTube. So watch that one and enjoy, my friends. Brad, what a treat. Look, that's it for today, folks. on the Holland Highway podcast and until next time Chicken Chow Maine, baby.

Hey everybody, how would you like your very own personal video message from me, yours truly? It's your birthday, it's your anniversary, it's your graduation, or you just want me to make you laugh. You get to pick the topic, you want me to discuss, give me some talking

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