The Harland Highway - Bryan Callen talks survival in the wild, how to be a modern man, and even shares a a soliloquy!

Episode Date: September 17, 2024

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Hi, I'm Danny L'Priori. Ever get the feeling you're being watched online? It's not paranoia. It's data brokers. These companies collect your personal information, including your browsing habits, where you live, and even who you're related to, and they sell it to the highest bidder. That's where ORA comes in. ORA automatically removes your personal info from data broker sites and keeps it off. It also monitors the dark web, safeguards your device.

devices, alerts you to real-time threats, and more. Start your free trial at ora.com slash control. That's a-U-R-A-com slash control for your free trial. Hey, everybody, yours truly is going to be at the Comedy Carlson in Rochester, New York. Check out the dates. Get your tickets at Harlandwilliams.com. And also, I'm going to be in Austin, Texas, at Joe Rogan's fabulous comedy. Club. Check harlandwilliams.com and get your tickets today before we all sell out. Have a great time

and thanks for your support. There's a song going on in my head right now. What is it? No, no, it's meatloafs. I would do anything for love, but I won't do that. Best song ever written. And have you ever done it, Anel? That song's about. I would do anything for love, but I won't do that? Hello? Anil. I thought I won't rob a bank. I thought that's what...

I would do anything for love, but I won't do anal. You're riding down the Harland Highway. All right, hold tight on the Harland Highway Show. Harland Williams. Hold on one sec. Wow. Oh, there it is. Oh, that's, oh. You could just... There it is. Yeah. Yeah. Let's it. You know what? I... I don't know if you know... Sorry. Yeah. Go ahead. I'm a writer, as you know, and... No way. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I do my... I do novels, but I write for myself. I know. I'm a novelist. And I use an old-fashioned typewriter. I used to use a feathered pen. I still do with squid ink, but...

Squid is hard. My net broke. Anyway, yeah. Wait, how many novels do you have out? So many novels? I have an entire shelf of novels. I write thick novels, too, and they're leather bound back. Anyway, it doesn't matter.

Wow. I know. I'm papyrus? They're bespoke. I do use papyrus. I'm crazy. I read on a scroll. So it's not a book.

It's actually a large scroll. I would describe you as a striking barrel-chested man with a shock of gray hair. So that would be how I would describe you. Barrel-chested? Harlan, a barrel-chested beast of a man with a shock of gray hair. Oh, if you were writing in one of your novels, this is how your descriptive writing? With a shock of gray hair pulled back into a savage screw that doesn't actually exist. So in other words, you'd think there'd be a like a man bun?

People would say man bun. I say his hair pulled back into a savage screw. and then lopped off. That's what it looks like you did. What are you doing? Well, I was posing because you were describing me. You can't try to do that. You have to just be...

The way you were... Relax your face. Watch. There you go. That's great. That's good. Hold on. Yeah.

But really relax your mouth. There you go. Now that looks relaxed. Now that looks natural. That looks great. And that's your natural. voice so what's wrong with that so you got to stop hiding behind well i just try to you know who i am i that's great that's that's who you are and it looks great are you serious i

but like i'm seeing you for the first time and i'm not seeing this bravado i'm just seeing this sensitive artist right so this is i should be more like this when i present myself to people i think so it does bring out a violent streak in me i do want to give you a shove around you want you punch me in the face? No, I just want to wedge you and hang you from a fucking locker. And I, in that, I know, I'm sorry about using the F word. Where's my camera? Oh, let's settle down a little bit here.

Great character. Is that? Yeah. You know what inspired it was your writing when you came in with the barrel-chested Indy-500 Gluteness Maximus face? Well, I think I heard it. Okay. Speaking of compliments, can, do you take,

a compliment good? Like, are you okay with a compliment? I try, yeah. Because I, as soon as you came in striking, I just think you have the most wonderful detention center lips. Like, I picture you, your family walking away and your lips going through the, I love you, you know, like detention center lips. My lips look good behind glass. I was thinking more like a chain link fence, like a cheaper, low end detention center. So I'm sort of in a, in a, I'm being quarantined. Maybe just detained. Detained.

But your lips just, you have the detention center soup kitchen kind of. Is it because they think I might be guilty of being too sexy? Maybe. Yeah. Listen. We're both older men. We're going to have a substantive conversation. Okay.

Yeah, that's it. Just relax. There you go. There you go. There you go. Yep. There you go. What's in that?

Helium? Sorry. I'm doing a cleanse. Oh, you're doing a cleanse. You look like a poster boy for a cleanse. Yeah. Have you ever done a cleanse? You looked like you cleansed your face at a car wash.

A half an hour ago, and that's a compliment. No, no, it is a compliment. It is a compliment, and I appreciate that. I actually drove my motorcycle right through a car wash. Whoa. Yeah, I drive a motorcycle now. What kind of, Ducati? Yeah, I'm a Ducati.

Italian. Italian. You like speed. I do like speed. I do like speed, you know. What's your top? Sorry to interrupt, but on, let's say, on the Ventura Highway, what's your top? What did you top out at?

Red. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. So I go red and 90, 200. I don't know. It goes red. Right off.

And then I go and then I say to myself, you're at the limit. And then I go push it further and I push it further. You ever just been wailing like ee that annoys you? And you hit a baby crossing the road like a like a four month old or they can't walk really good. I did hit a baby. Yes, but the good news is it was an American baby. it was trying to get over the border illegally. Wait, an American was trying to get into Mexico?

No, it wasn't an American baby. It was a baby that was coming over and so. From Canada or Mexico? Because we have two, there's two borders. Excuse me, there's two borders on the United States. And I'm so glad you brought that up because I think that there are too many Canadians. By the way, I don't know when this airs, but I'll be in your hometown. September 12, 13, 14 at the comic strip in Edmonton.

What dates? September 12, 13, 14, and Edmonton? He's coming. Oh. Yeah. Lock everything out. What? Bury the children.

Barry them? Well, she, you know, I don't know. I think you mean to hide the children. God. You should probably call back and clarify that. Don't you think there should be a wall between the U.S. and Canada? Why is it always the southern people? Why, why not the northies?

Well, because the nor these, you know, aren't, they have blonde hair and blue eyes. a lot of time and less pigment in their skin and they tend to be taller probably. At least that's the stereotype. To me that says take up more room. I agree. Taller means mass, volume. Why aren't we blocking the tallies from Canada? Well, the reason you and I are saying this is because we're not prejudice or racist or xenophobic. What xenophobic mean? Because I've never been in an orchestra. It just sounds good. It is. It's the, it's the, you hate xylophones? Yeah, it's when you're really good a xylophone. Oh, so it's not you hate exylophones.

Do you, yeah. Now, are you following this election? Yes. Yeah, it's interesting. Well, talk to me, Guy. Here we go. Because, folks, before we dip into it, a lot of my guests come in, and not many of them have the range of the depth to discuss or dissect politics.

This guy here, let's open that door. Here we go. Here we go. Talk to me, guy. What do you got? I would say that. that you better be careful about getting your information from even a podcast, well, let's say you better be careful about getting your information on either candidate

or on the electorate from the sound bites you hear on social media. That's our biggest liability. TikTok, Instagram. Yeah, but also the way both political parties are as reduct, the way they reduce the problem. It's a real tendency to say, we have a problem. It could be gun control, it could be immigration, it could be the tax code, it could be a thousand things. Okay.

And what you want to do if you're a politician, or what you want to do if you want to be heard, or what you want to do if you're even a journalist and you want ratings, is you want to create a narrative that simplifies the problem and creates a good guy and a bad guy. You want to create a villain and a hero. Politics really, does politics get to you? Maybe you should have drink so hard. Dude, I'm cleansing. I know, but it's called a suck cleanse.

Oh. Yeah. Good, good, good. Sorry, go ahead. You were boring us with you. You were talking about politics. Go ahead. Sorry.

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Before we dip into the political... I only had 15 books I wanted to recommend. I want to get into it with you because I know it's important to you. I know it's important to them. Yeah, to the people. But before we get into your mind, I want people to get to know you because you come in here you just don't come in and plop down like a blob on a log no you're not a turtle in a swamp uh-uh i'm a panther on i'm a panther and a tree you come in here like a mystique you come in here like

a like a wisp in the wind you come in here statuesque you have a presence i cut the wind i cut right through the wind you did i occupy my cubic space with a ferocity a resting ferocity i'm like a coiled i'm there's coiled fury within my breast right and you know that you feel that is that what you're trying to say that's exactly what i'm a writer I'm a novelist. Novelist. So what happens is I get. I can't get as wordy as that.

But the way you describe yourself is exactly what I was trying to articulate. Yeah. If I can even use that word in front of you. Articulate's a good word. You don't mind me using one of the biggies? No, I have. Okay.

That's great. Because I don't want to step on your turf. No, no, no, no. Like I throw it articulate and you're like, wait a minute, that's one of my bigies. Yeah. What are you doing with it peasant boy or whatever you think of me? Yeah. And I would say,

I would say something like, I like your verbal gymnastics, so I would, right? So that's what I would do. I would say, as a layman, I'd say, I'd tumble for you because I can't say verbal but I'd, I'd, I would steal a line from a George boy, George song and say, I'd tumble for you as a layman, as a layperson. But can I throw two words at you because you do come in here with such bravado? Yeah. Lord Greystoke.

Yeah. you're talking about Tarzan Of the apes Talking about Tarzan Of the apes What I'd like to ask you Is as a man who's got Kind of an animalistic

Sexuality Tarzanic Tarzanic When Brian Cacallum It's Calan Crashes into a jungle Yeah A virgin jungle

Deep in the Congo This question How does Brian Callan assimilate with the great apes the mountain gorillas the silverbacks what does it look like when your clothes come off and your one-on-one with a tribe of silverbacks how do you become the leader how do you become lord grace stoke tarzan of the apes so the first thing you got to realize is when i land in the jungle a lot of guys are like oh no i'm a guest no i land in the jungle and i go

I'm the king There's a new sheriff in town All right This is my spot now And I am the apex Predator I am at the top of the food chain Everybody

Okay And I let them all know that Now the first thing I need is to find A clean source of water Obviously that would be Where? In leaves that have trapped rainwater Okay, you know that

All right Then I need a source of shelter Don't I Now you can't be sleeping on the ground in the jungle. Well, why, Brian? Oh, I don't know. Poisonous snakes and most importantly, insects.

So I'm going to have to fashion myself a hammock right quick, ain't I? Because I'm not sleeping in the branches of the trees because snakes can get up there too. And so can army ants, everybody. So I'm going to have to take a little turpentine or gasoline from my wrecked plane. And I'm going to have to put that on the ropes because that keeps the old hunting battle ants from climbing up those ropes and having a little smacky poo when I'm trying to take a rest because they'll eat you alive that's right buddy boy that's right okay so you

think see how I'm thinking who are you I know don't worry now I'm going to find myself some poison toads oh wow yeah I'm going to find myself I never would have gone there of course not I'm then going to fashion a long long arrow out of a certain wood what would Brian Boko Bolo, obviously, it's very, very dense and very hard. Maybe even ebony, if I'm in Africa, but I'm assuming where am I? It doesn't matter, does it? I know where the hardwood lives. I'm going to fashion a very strong bow out of that.

I'm sorry, an arrow. And then I'm going to, obviously, I know how to make a recurve bow. And I always carry some deer tendon with me in case I have to do that, right? I know. I know. Who the hell is? Are you? It's not a big deal.

Well, it is to me. I mentioned I've already rubbed two sticks together and made myself a nice, cozy fire, just to get that smoke curling through the trees so everybody knows Daddy in town, okay? Daddy just dropped in, all right? Because I got what? I got the red flower in my hand. That's what the animals call it. They call it the red flower, and I'm the master of the red flower.

Guess who isn't the master of the red flower, Harland? Me? The apes. The apes. Okay? Now, what I'm going to do is I'm going to get my recurve bow. I'm going to find the biggest silver back I can. I'm going to dip that arrow on that poison toad, okay?

But not too much, just enough to get that big old ape, a little groggy, a little groggy, a little weak, okay? I'm going to shoot him. But I'm not going to hit him. I'm going to graze him. I don't want an arrow sticking out of his ass. I'm going to graze him with just enough of that poison, so it gets into his bloodstream. and now he's all kinds of wobbly. He can't even see straight.

He has no strength in his arms. His belly is not tight. His arms are not heavy, okay? He feels like he's made out of balsa wood. What about my core, bro? You ever seen my workouts? It's stupid. I dedicate an hour every morning just to my core.

I haven't even gotten to my arms, my shoulders, my back, or my kung fu. Now, listen, I'm going to graze him with that poison arrow, okay? He's going to get woozy. I'm going to wait about an hour and I'm going to come in out of nowhere and throw him in a flying headlock and I'm going to mount him, all right? And I'm going to get on top of him

and I'm going to bang my chest and all the other guerrillas are going to be like, holy shit. Who's the naked ape? Huh? Who's this guy? Did somebody stretch human skin over a chita? Oh, God.

You suck so hard. I'm doing a suck cleanse. No, you told me that already. I'm so sorry to interrupt your flow. No, that's really all I do. So that's what I would do. Then let me fast forward to now you've created a position of dominance in the jungle. Yeah.

They all know you're the guy. Yeah. I might cut some big old, old growth trees down just for spite. With your fingernails? And slay a couple of, I don't know, tree leopards, which is so mean. But I'm just going to poach them and leave them. there. So they see I got a little streak of mean in me, a little streak of destruction. You understand? Oh, I get it. You know what I mean? So now we had Lord Greystoke, King Plant Tatarzan of the

apes. Yeah. What does your jungle name become? Oh, man. This is where, you know, you got to have that kind of name. Yeah. What is it? Well, so, so a lot of people would expect it to be something you could spell or write down in a book. And you'd expect that as from a novelist. Like myself. Okay. My name in the jungle? Yeah. So that carries through the woods.

Now, I didn't give you, I didn't, I didn't scream it the way I would. Wait, is that, so your name is, can I just, just to articulate, it's A, A, A, A, A, A, A, A, A, A, A, A, A, A, A, A, A, A, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, Y, Y, Y, Y, Y, Y, Y, Y, Y, Y, Y, Y, A, A, A, A, A, A, A, A, A, A. Just so I'm clear. You didn't get my name right. You didn't get my name right. Sorry, I'm in the middle of the suck cleanse. No, I know. You told me that right.

Your name. I don't know if I can complete it without a mid-sock. Yeah, it's hard. It'll take a lot out of you. Can I give it one more? You died. That's really good. Have you ever thought about shortening your name?

Yeah. Because that's a motherfucker. It's hard. I know you're king of the jungle and the tree leopards and gorillas in the mist teeth or whatever they call you, but if you could just bring the name down to maybe just even, that would help me with my sock. I'll think about it. Do you have any other questions for me?

Oh. I hope the audience is learning something from this. How can they not? Here's the difference. I want you to know this. My podcast goes all over the world. Like, it's in Ireland, even. But what happened is my audience, they're not really,

so they're learning at a basic level. Let me just get my glasses. It bothers me that I can't read this anymore. It bothers me I'm getting to an age. Oh, do you want to borrow my glasses? Yeah. Where I can't, oh, God, I can't read this anymore. There you go.

Read. Isn't that funny? It's funny, you're a novelist and you can't read. Oh, man. Oh, this has althenian and ginseng. I thought so. Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, good. It has lemon balm. All ingredients from the jungle. I was hoping it had lemon balm, yeah. By the way, when you put those glasses on, do you like compliments? I think you said you did. I do like compliments. Your eyes are popping like a, I don't say this to everyone, but like a juvie center pervert almost.

Yeah. And that's, I mean, it's just, they're popping blue. I'm not, I'm not a juvenile, but I get it. I mean, with those on. Yeah. But just a compliment, I'm showing it out there. I appreciate that. I feel, I feel different in these glasses.

As an actor, if I put on a pair of shoes or glasses, I become the character. Can you give us an example? Like, let's say a Russian spy, go. We will ask you some questions, but you have to answer, because otherwise it will be bad for you. I will answer your questions. What are they, please? Do you see how, when I talk it's in the back of my mouth? Well, I don't care where you put it.

Just ask me the questions. Okay. But first I'm going to put your feet in ice, water. Okay. Okay. Are you saying I have cold feet? But also your daughter, she is dancer, yeah? She is a dancer.

I will put her feet in cold ice water, too. It might not affect her because she's wearing a ballerina shoes. But insulation, you overlooked it, my friend. Oh, no. He's Wiley. Wiley is a Russian for... Coyote? Coyote.

How does the Russian say Coyote? Iskankrook. Quixote. Coyote. Oh, you're that's southern Russian. In the north, it's Cact, Nistankroth. That's good. Thank you for these year classes.

Yeah. Can I ask you another question? Yeah. Um, let's talk about... You have a whole list of things. Oh, yeah. Let me just reiterate. This podcast plays all over the world.

It's international. It goes out on the internet. Uh, we even have people. There's someone in Scotland watching. Scotland? What do you do Scottish? I do. I do, because I'm from Glasgow.

Glasgow, what you do up there? You still churning butter. I do whatever I want. I'm not a wanker. Oh, you just walk down the street, do whatever you want then. Do whatever. If you come to me with respect, I'll treat you like with respect. But you come to me with war in your heart.

If you want to go to war with me, I'll meet you halfway. So what if maybe you're walking down the cobblestone streets of Glasgow? Sure. And I open me front door and you're standing there and I say, Hey, yeah, hey, come on in for some soup. I'll gladly welcome that invitation. But if you come to me with a mallet in your hand, with malice in your heart,

malice in malice. Just know, just know that I will meet you correctly and I will remedy your overabundance of aggression. Yeah? Well, you just plagiarized a scene right. out of the shining right there and you didn't think I'd catch it but remember when Jack Nicholson was in the restroom in the golden room

and he goes Mr. Grady you were the caretaker here and Grady goes my wife and daughters stepped out of line so I corrected themselves Hi I'm Danny Lopiori Ever get the feeling you're being watched online It's not paranoia

It's data brokers. These companies collect your personal information, including your browsing habits, where you live, and even who you're related to, and they sell it to the highest bidder. That's where ORA comes in. ORA automatically removes your personal info from data broker sites and keeps it off. It also monitors the dark web, safeguards your devices, alerts you to real-time threats, and more. Start your free trial at ORA.com slash control. That's A-U-R-A-com slash control.

for your free trial. And you just did that. You think you can hide it in a Scottish accent. Not with this kid. Well, it's funny because I read that book and saw the movie many times. So you're probably right. And it's the scariest movie I've ever seen.

That and the Exorcist. The Exorcist, yes. And Angel Heart scared the shit out of me too. De Niro and... Mickey Rourke. Mickey Roark. Angel Hart, fucking the Exorcist and the Shrine.

scared. Why? I'm not going to just let you say that without backing it up. Why did the Shining scare you so much? The the perverseness and the just I didn't know what was going to happen and he was in this giant hotel. It was snowed in. Did you read the book first? Losing his mind. Yes. So then you did know what was going to happen and that was a bullshit answer. Yes, but but hold on. No, hold on. I read it in Braille, so it took me a long time. And by the time I was done, I'd forgotten what happened in the beginning. So the movie was a little faster.

I thought I was reading The Shining in Braille one night, and someone turned on the light, and I was actually touching the zits on a teenage boy's face. Oh. And he had so many pimps. Why was a teen? He had so many pimples. I read the first three chapters of the shining on his Zit.

Oh. Like I thought it was Braille. Yeah. And do you know the pus smells when you kind of start reading quickly? It sort of heats up. Have you ever smelled warm pus on a Thursday night? No, I don't think so. You will.

Yeah. Oh, God. I'm having a little problem with the old sperm bank upstairs, Lloyd. That's a good Jack Nicholson impersonation. But your audience is young and so they've lost it. What do you have for me? I'd like, I curious see what's on that, on that piece of paper. Oh, yes.

Can I just quickly ask about the exorcist, though, because I think that's the scariest movie. And then we're going to get to the- It probably is. Because the exorcist was so perverse. The exorcist came along. Talk to me. And no one had seen anything like that. It was, it was outrageous, truly.

Yeah. It was so outrageous when you saw, never mind her crawling backwards and all that. The spider walk. When she urinated, when she pissed on the rug. The devil. it was it was and and saying things this little girl saying things that you know tap into the darkest recesses of all human nature and we went but there was a perversion and the book by the way William Black I think it's William Batty's book which I think he was a

journalist in Egypt do you know the origins he was a journalist in Egypt yeah and I think Witness an exorcism. Was it William Blakely? I think it was William Batty. B-A-A-T-Y, but I don't remember. But he witnessed an exorcism, and what scared him the most was the boy was speaking in apparently Aramaic.

Yeah. And, and said that there was writing on the wall of the house that he grew up in, and they found behind the paint, the writing. I mean, there was some stuff where he was, was not a he wasn't a superstitious guy but he went what's going on here yeah and then he wrote the book i believe that's true you know why it's so scary too because most of us believe the devil is real i do and so when the exorcist came along we all went holy god this could be a manifestation of

the devil in our worlds if if it so came to fruition because it's so it wasn't the devil it was the devil but in a way, the devil comes to you in a much more subtler way, right? The devil comes to you with a smile with looking shiny and beautiful. How do you mean? The devil's seductive. The devil gets you to feel like the world is your oyster.

You're one of God's favorites. The devil plays on your pride. I'm not sure I'm following. He's such a good Batman. It's such a good Batman. But that demon, that was a demon. That wasn't the devil. That was a demon. I'm not.

That was an ancient demon that had been unlocked by accident. So you believe in demons? What's wrong? I think so. But it's a good thing that I got a large crucifix tattooed in my chest this morning, and it hurts in a good way. Too bad you covered it up with that cheesy, rossed dress for less t-shirt. No, that's not fair.

Holy well. Not fair at all. Who am I talking to now? Yeah, not Brian, I'll tell you that much. So the fuck are you. Talking to a guy who's been smoking for way too long. I know. And I ain't quitting.

Excuse me for one second. You know, I'm on one of them suck cleanses. Yeah, it looks like a sock cleanse. Looks like it's working. Your skin looks fantastic. Are you coming on to me? I would never do anything like that. Christian man, I may have

impulses. I might find you very attractive, but that's just the devil talking, and now the devil's talking to me, because you look all kinds of shiny. You're a deductive as fuck. Can I get you a halst mentholmethyptus? Fuck, no.

A horse mentillipsis are for leftists. That's how you beat the devil. You give him a re-colot. You know, if he just took a mouth lozenge, I think he could get rid of that whole... I had some of this. It's incredible recess drink, and it really had my voice. It really coats your throat, doesn't it?

It coats your throat and your skin is glowing like the metal on the edge of a knife. Yeah, it coats right through the edge of a knife. Yeah, I almost feel like I don't have throat cancer right now. It looks like you do, though. I know, I know. And it's funny because I used to be, I was a wrestler, so my neck was painfully thick, but now it's just, and now it just looks athletic. Speaking of wrestling and man-related things, here was my next question.

Are today's men too effeminate? You're the guy I need to ask. And if so, what are some tips and exercises men these days can do to be more masculine, guy? Men have to do things that are difficult. Explain. I think that I think that I always say to young men, get really good at one thing. And I'm not talking about fucking video games. I'm talking about get really good at one thing.

And you'll learn more about yourself in that process than anything else. So if you get really good, I don't care if it's jujitsu. I don't care if it's the piano. Yeah. I don't care what it is. What if you do jujitsu on a piano? You can do jiu-jitsu on a piano. You can do anything that you, that forces you to grow.

You know, they always talk about taking on responsibility. That's fine, but I don't think you want to take on responsibility in the form of children and family until you're somewhat, you have a skill set that you can market out there in the world. You don't want to be having to make ends meet. then you'll never see your family and you'll just be a provider but you want to be more than that you want to be an example of you know how to live your life this sounds like you're sort of coaching a young boy how to approach life what i asked is what can men do to be more masculine and sexy well i think you kind of well men men should should first of all um again get good at something but also like don't be

But I do think that, like, aggression or this, the masculine impulse is a liability now. Men have been demonized for being what they are naturally, you know? Which is what? Providers and protectors. Yeah. And to be a provider and a protector requires a linear way of thinking, a black and white way of thinking sometimes. Yeah. Not being sensitive.

Yeah. Aggression. Competitiveness. Yeah. Wanting to get better than the next person. Wow. opposing your will. These are all impulses that boys have.

You see it all the time. These are primal. Sports are fucking important. And I don't care if you're not a good athlete. Sports are important. And if you're not into sports, at least be in shape, at least be in a modicum of shape. I think taking some kind of a martial art is good. Do you do any of this?

I do, yeah. What do you do? Always have. What do you do? Box, jujitsu, whatever. My son wrestles and does jiu-jitsu now, so kind of, you know, mess with himself. sometimes. But for the most part, I go to a class still. I hate it. I hate it. I'm way too old to be doing jujitsu or boxing. Have you thought about that thing? You see it in the Olympics

where they run around and they wave a ribbon like this. It's like a... Yeah, but I was... The ribbon. What do I even call it? I was sponsored by ribbon trope. What's it called? Well, the company's called Ribbon Trope. They're the biggest company. What's the sport called, though, when you're running around when you're to dance skin with the ribbon? It's called dancing with a ribbon. That's the sport. And you've been immersed in that for a while? Yeah. Competitively?

Yeah. Wow. Yeah. Have you won any, like, ribbon trophies? I've won a lot, almost all of them, actually, in my weight class, in my weight class. What's your weight class? So I was pretty heavy at the time, you know, because I was doing it. Oh, so you were doing the chubby, the chubby ribbon?

No, I was eating, I was eating nothing but yams and venison. And, yeah, yeah. Venison, by the way, folks, dear. It's dear. I'd ask that you not. throw around obscure meat references because my audience. I call deer forest cows sometimes. Okay.

That's because I'm a novelist. What about on that theme, sea cows, manatees. Do you ever slap down a manatee steak to help with your ribbon training? I'll try to hit them with my boat and people get mad at me, but they're delicious. Aren't they delicious? Yes, they're delicious. The fat, it's like eating a fat and calf, but with no legs. You have to deal with all that dumb tendon shit.

It's the funnest way to hunt. You don't need a rifle. You just need an outboard boat with a mercury, like a six, nine horsepower. And you got yourself of like sea cow steak. And a cudgel. You need a handful of fish and then a cudgel when they come up to eat the fish. And it's like, wait, they're like, I'm a vegetarian. Gang, gang, gang, gang, right?

And then you can cut them like a sausage and just fry them up on the grill. Manatee steaks, are you out of your fucking mind? You're nuts that. Dude. The ribboning, the fat that goes through it, the marbling. Oh, it's like eating a granite counter at Dolly Parton's trailer camp. Is it ever? Are you sure you're not a writer?

Huh, interesting. Do you know how to make a ding noise? Like, can you go ding? No, ding. I'm not good with noises. Can you, for me? I mean, look what I've given to you on this, but could you give me just a ding? ding okay now when i wink ready yeah when you now say are you a writer say are you a writer

you a writer ding okay good um do you have any sexy tips for a guy like me because you know you look at me and what do you think is there something i could do to be more sexy to be more appealing to women yeah if you have i don't care if you have a whole list i know it's probably going to hurt, but I'm asking. I asked. So anything you have to say, if you need to dissect what you're looking at, say exactly what you, what can I do to be more provocative? Very simply, find a time machine, get into it, turn the dial to 30 years before this,

and that's my fucking recommendation, Harlem Williams. Ding! so that's the fuck i have to say wow i got so i mean i do i have a fucking karate class in like an hour and i'm sitting here wasting my time with this shit oh no do you yeah ask me another substantive question okay let me put my my glasses on um oh i was um you know we we were in the business of funny at least i am and so what we do is we make people laugh yeah they say that laughter is the best medicine in times of healing. Right, unless you have a bad disease and then you need like gene therapy, but keep going.

Right. So just hypothetically, let's say a farm boy gets thrown around in a wheat thrasher. Dismembered legs, a mangled face, almost looks like he has elephantitis married to polio. He's all bunched up. How does a Brian McHalen come in and giggle? Yeah, and I can't talk to you right now. I'm doing Harlan's podcast. Who is that?

Joe Rogan, sorry. I take it. No, no, no, I hung up on it. He's a friend. Take it. No, I hung up on it. I insist you call back. No, I told him not to call me when I was doing the Harlan Highway.

I'll stop until you call him back? No, all right. He's on speed down. Sorry I was so short with you. What's going on? I can't do your podcast. No, I'm busy. I'm not going to fly to, uh,

I know private jet doesn't matter I'm not flying to Austin I'm busy I can't do it yeah Harlan's getting really mad yeah Harlan Williams he's great you haven't met him oh he's great yeah he's a great guy I know it's special but he's

he's really down to earth and he asks really substantive questions so you shouldn't be threatened by it he's got a great podcast but so do you it's not going to take your podcast over oh boy you should see though. Yeah, he's taking his shirt off. He's recovering from that bear attack.

Okay, he says, he says, good luck. Sending nudes. He's sending nudes? Yeah. Can I see one? Wow. It's tasteful. Share one, at least.

I'd like to see Joe nude. It's tasteful. Well, I'm going to wait until he sends a real raunchy one. Now, any more questions? Yes, yes. Wait, you were in the middle of a question. Oh, a boy, a farm boy. He's been rolled by a wheat thrasher.

It's harvest season. He's a stump. He's a stump. He's a stump. How do you bring the giggle, the chuckle, ha ha, giggle, gig, chuckle back? I look at him and I go, ooh, lost, you're a stump. I go, now your name is John. Mind if I call you a mat and put you in front of my door.

So I'll say something like that. Or I'll say, hey, let's go to the beach. I'll throw you in the water. Bob, Bob. Filarious. Bob. Because he's a snub. Yeah.

So I'll do stuff like that. And then they laugh and they feel better. Excellent. But that's my gift. Yeah. That's what I give. Well, also your gift, I think, is your manliness. Yeah.

And on that note, what happened? Nothing. No, I think your sleeve went up there by accident. Yeah. Just from training. Training. I don't do a lot of stuff because my, when I'm throwing, I can't have a lot of bulk. Right.

You know what I mean? Sure. So I purposely don't work my arms out because I want my arms to be basically rubber bands. This is a fucking stone. Yeah. Bop. Bop. I'm getting into fighting now.

Just got a bit of an itch, back of my head. Yep. Do you work on cars? What time is it? Oh. Oh, there's that itch again. You got the shakes. You should probably get that checked out.

How's your meat? I mean, how's your day going? Good. Good. You're a big bone kid. You must have just, there must, the amount of milk you drank as a kid must have been off the charts.

Can I answer that? Everybody got that breaking point. I can't believe you don't play more southern characters. Oh, you like my southern thing? Especially when you're sensual like that. Yeah, I'm essential when that moon come up and the cricket start singing in the moonlight. I like that. I get a nice cold glass of lemonade and rub the condensation down my inner thigh,

and it smell like crawdaddy grease. You don't like a tall glass of milk. Something from the cows in the backyard you milked yourself, that big old strong hands and then farm fingers. I don't know what you're talking about, boy. I do know what I'm talking about, but I appreciate you calling me, boy, man. Yeah, so I'll meet you halfway. Characters, we've done like a bunch of characters. We've done a bunch.

Any more questions? Hey, everybody, check out my merchandise at Harbling.com. Yeah, most people just slap. some letters or images on a t-shirt or a hoodie but not me yours truly guess what I draw my own designs at harbleng.com you can see tons of my hand drawn t-shirts you can either buy the original or you can buy a print and man oh man wear I'm loud and proud I love making these designs for you guys and keeping it personal so check out the whole

catalog we got hoodies we got coffee mugs we got t-shirts you name it it's there at harbling dot com get your harland original design wearable art at harbling.com today and thank you for your support and i'll just keep the the groovy images coming but as a secure man and i wouldn't ask this of any other guest. Yeah. And because you're a writer, would you entertain the two of us sharing soliloquies? Do you ever soliloquy?

Yeah. I'd love to soliloquy with you. Yeah, I love that. And as you know, as a writer, a soliloquy is sort of the inner monologue of the writer. Shakespeare used them quite often, as you know. Yeah. And if I could share a soliloquy with you,

Would you, in return, share a soliloquy with me? Yes. Let me pull out my cinnamon journal. I prepared a soliloquy just for you, and I'd love to read it to you, if you don't mind. Love it. That's beautiful. Cinnamon Journal.

It's expensive. Well. Are you ready? Yeah. Are you sure? Yeah. Oh, nay. I wallow in the fear.

of my own rejection. Yay, nay, oh, nay, punished by the hollow sounds of diminished time. Nay, yay, oh, nay, yay, the clock strike nigh. Like the unidentified warriors straggling over yonder crest,

sullen, tattered and torn. Oh, nay, yay, oh nigh, nay, hey, oh nigh, oh nigh, oh nigh, oh nigh, yay, nigh. like the night creeping in on a million buried corpses the prickle of my own memories torment me like rodents trapped in a corner

a trillion glowing eyes stare me down back my shadow into the gutter of lost humanity oh nay hey they nay nay say I now nay hey I oh nay the cruel stabbing of love's knife through my heart oh my hairy scary hey nay nine blood in the crimson pool soft velvety death drown me drown me

oh nay hey nay hi nigh hi nigh fart what at the end fart that's incredible that's a soliloquy guy yeah yeah yeah yeah is it called hey nay nigh no it's just soliloquy yeah but that's that's sort of what goes on in my inner voice. Is that Joe? From the tables of joy. Is this your soliloquy? From the tables of joy, a crumb falls. Sometimes a bone is flung.

For some there is love. For the rest, only Harlan. Are you fucking kidding me right now? Wow. All right, let's get into the politics. What did you want to go for it? I don't want to bore your audience, but if you had any questions,

I would be happy to answer them. No, you said we were going to talk about the political thing. And I said, let's get to know you a little, which I think we did for the last 40 minutes. How much do you follow politics? A lot, deeply. I'm very astute, and I know that's one of your words. I'm going to borrow it.

It's a good word. If you don't mind, as a writer, I'm going to borrow it. I'm very astute. Politically astute, very well-versed, seasoned, informed. Oh, yes, let's go. Open the casket and crawl out corpse teeth. How do you feel about Kamala Harris' capital gains tax plan? I think what she's doing is going to be insufficient for the middle class

to achieve any type of capital gain and create for themselves a wealth that will bring them up out of the despair that they're in unless she goes with a 70% across the board national tax right-off situation right-off situation good you obviously follow this very closely I didn't understand a lot of the words that you said but I really are you want to suck that yeah yeah what do you think of Kamala Harris well um well um I think I will say this about the Democrats versus the Republicans, both of whom I have problems with as a party. Okay. Before you go into that, are you neutral or do you consider yourself affiliated with a party? I'm probably a traditionalist who's hopelessly in the middle in general because the truth is usually somewhere in the middle.

Agreed. Agreed. But I will say that whenever I see a convention like Kamala's and everybody who's speaking is either a politician or an actor or a celebrity, I get very nervous because it feels like a lot of, I feel like I'm being marketed to with funny, famous people that are good at hypnotists, like they're hypnotists. Right.

But I bum out when I don't see an entrepreneur there. Right. I bum out when I don't see a business person who took a business from zero to a billion. Right. That's what I'd like to see. I'd like to see people that actually create wealth. I don't want to see somebody who's only saying let's attack all these rich billionaires

because a lot of times those billionaires got to be billionaires because they created a product that all of us use and like and they create a lot of jobs. I'm not saying we should have an oligarchy or anything like that. But I always kind of like go, what's really going on? here but again they're being reductive they're going we're the good guys they're the bad guys and republicans do the same shit yeah and when you go into what you're saying about the convention they're putting on a show it's an entertainment show and it's not marching people up there that got strong results yeah well and i do think that when i hear one candidate that thinks that expanding

the u.s federal government when i see a candidate that says we can socially engineer equality. And the way we're going to do that, we're going to, we're going to, we're going to, engineer equality. The world's got an equality problem. Yeah. What we're going to do is take as much as we can

from the top 1% that already pays 50% of the taxes. Yeah. And we're going to do that more. It's not a creative solution. You're going to penalize people for producing, and that's what I worry about. And so that's, that's, where I don't think that there's a creative solution to the problem.

It sounds like a punitive solution. It sounds like you're coming up with a way to punish. You're coming up with a way to say, we are going to take that wealth and redistribute it. So we want to expand government's rule. And my only problem with that is that government is, I don't believe that a massive bureaucracy, like the federal government, is going to be able to do that.

They're not good at it. You need government. to an extent. But I don't want somebody who thinks that that's the only answer or that's the largest part of the answer. Does it bother you, though, that there's no answer, that this just tail spins into eternity? There's an answer. There's no, what, there is no answer.

It just constantly, that's a huge temptation to say. It constantly, constantly falls off the cliff. No, the temptation is back. There's no answer here. There is an answer. The founding fathers of this country solved the political problem. They solved it. Aristotle couldn't do it. Plato couldn't do it. Socrates couldn't do it. They came up with a way to keep power out of one group's hands. That was the biggest problem.

How do you keep power from concentrating into a group or one person's hands, a very ambitious dictator-like person, an authoritarian? How do you do that? And then how do you get that very charismatic leader like Napoleon or whoever it might be from then taking control of the standing army and controlling the people. That happened over and over and over and over. James Madison, a couple of other people, figured out a way to avoid that.

That's the great genius. The fucking greatest genius. Checks and balances and making sure that power, that government grinds slowly and everybody's fighting. When I see Kamala Harris and Donald Trump and the country like freaking out of each other, it's good for our republic.

You want both sides. As long as we don't kill each other. We're talking and yelling in Haiti. and everything. It's good. It's called democracy. That's called a republic. What's the goal of a republic, everybody? What's the goal of the United States? The republic. Democracy? Fuck no. Democracy is not the goal. Democracy is dangerous. Pure democracies are brutal and vengeful. That's what you get in the French Revolution. A fucking goal of your country of the Republic of the United States is what? It's individual liberty. Individual liberty. I want my own personal sovereignty.

Wow. Why are you not humming a song? while I fucking lay down this unbelievable. There's a song going on in my head right now. What is it? No, no, it's meatloafs. I would do anything for love, but I won't do that. Best song I ever written. And have you ever done it, Aynel?

Is that what that song is about? I would do anything for love, but I won't do that? Hello? Anel. I thought it was that I won't rob a bank. I thought that's what. Would I do anything for love, but I won't do anil. Can you do Bat Out of Hell?

Let's see if you can sing the first lyrics of Bat Out of Hell. Okay. All right. Bat Out of Hell. Yeah. Let's see if you can. Let's see if I can do this. Your reception is not good here.

All right. The sirens are screaming And the fires are howling Way down in the valley tonight As a man in his shadows With a gun in his eye And a blade balance are so bright As evil in the air

There's thunder in the sky And a killer on the bloodshot street Oh and down in the tongues Where the deadly horizon I swear I saw a young boy Down in the gut He was starting to foam in the heat Oh baby you're the only thing

In this old world That's good and strong and right and wherever you are and wherever you go there's always going to be some light but I gotta get out I gotta break it out now before the final crack of dawn so we gotta make the most of our one night together

let's go dead and gone dude you're good and like a better hell I'll be gone when the morning comes all right well there it is sorry about that guys that must have been painful for the last I apologize for a bad out of hell

I won the gold uh yeah dude i appreciate your political analysis your dissertation you're preaching whatever you want to call it yeah i can tell you're impassioned you think about it a lot i do you're educated on it and i don't mean to diminish it by say it's never ending but the element that's crept into the noble things you said is the element of corruption which is inherent to man just as the other things we were talking about earlier violence and dominance. And also, there's a corruption of information. Yes.

Be careful because we're all being gamed. You might think you know who the bad guy is or what the problem is. I don't think you do. And I don't. And I'm my age. I have to really investigate. I have to talk to smart people because I realize sometimes I'll have a point of view. And I'm like, I don't know what I'm talking about.

I like that you said I need to talk to smart people. And I'm here. Ask me anything you want. I'm here for you. Well, you already clarified the Kamala Harris capital gains. If there's anything else that I can help you. What would you do if I dropped you in the middle of the jungle and you had to find a way to survive?

What's the first four things somebody should do? I would find a sharpened stone on the edge of the river bank. What about crocodiles? Not a factor for me. I move too stealthily. Oh. I don't make ripples when I swim. Okay.

I sneak up on one of the apex predators of the jungle, the jaguar. Jaguar. I drop from the branches on its back. I strangle it with my meat. No, I saw that. I get the sharp stone. I gut it. I climb inside its skin, and now I, in essence, become le jaguar.

That's French for. Well, jaguar. I get you to shut your pie hole for a second. I now prowl the jungle. I walk amongst the creatures of the night, night, night, night, night. And I do the echo for a fact. I know. Well, it seems that you were stalled.

I'll do it again. As the jaguar, I walk amongst the creatures of the night, night, night, night. And I prowl through the jungle, and I take what I want, including if I come across the new Lord Gradesstoke. I, I, I, right. Because now Le Chagawar now holds the red flower. And you become the stocked. And I become, ow.

I don't know why I did that part. That really hurt. It's all right. I can't hear you. What? What are you saying? No, it's fine. I don't know what you said.

Are you there? Good. It sounds like information I can use. Can we get down to our final segment? I know you don't want this to end. Ah, the four poissons. Pardon me? The four poissons?

Sorry, that the painting of the four fish is beautiful. It's very jollier. It's good. Mange the poissons? Yes, I like a lot. Oh, the poissons on the table? Yeah. And the cuto?

And they're delicious. It's a good, monsieur. It's good. Very good. It's a good very well. Oh, it's salive in the toilet. Yeah, yeah. Sorry.

My guy. What? Covered a lot of ground today. Well, we're down to our final segment, my guy. And you know this one, words from a wooden shoe. And what we do is we pull out a Dutch cloggy. And what we do is you reach in, pull out a word, and see if you can share a story Why are you laughing?

No, I'm just laughing at your appearance on Rogan when you told him you would attack by a bear. By a mountain lion? Oh, by a gris? A gris? Yeah, and you showed him your scars. The bear came a lollapin over the mountain. Came a lollapin?

That's from Chitty-chitty-bang. Professor Potts is reading a, a book to the kids, and he goes, and the bear came a lolloping over the mountain. It's for real. You can look it up on YouTube. Yeah, that was an English black bear. Fuck those bears.

Anyway. So what you do is you reach and hear, pull a word, and see if you have a story from your journey that you could share with my 12 or 14 viewers. Spider. Oh, here we go. Spider. Yeah.

Talk to me, Guy. Yeah, they used to call me the spider in fight circles, but that's not what I'm going to talk about right now. Okay. I was in Australia, brokering a land deal between the indigenous aborigine. Aboriginals. The white men.

Yes. And we had some delicious hallucinogenic wine, and we had played the did we do. Yes. I had a vision, I had a vision, and I ran into the bush before they could catch me. It's almost certain you'll die in that situation, what with the tiger snakes, the brown snakes, and most importantly, the funnel-wed spiders. Yeah, just to be clear, the tiger snakes?

Is that what you said? Yeah. Yeah, they're tough. Aggressive. Brown snake is nothing to play with as well. I tread lightly. I'm known not to break even a twig, but I must admit,

so does the tiger snake. So does the brown snake. I remember running. My feet were barely touching the ground. So skipping? To a cave, yes. Okay. I spent much more time in the air than I did on the ground.

Right. I was following an eagle. Wow. I knew it was taking me somewhere. Somewhere far from the rivers, of course, because that's where... Well... The great water lizards live. Yeah.

And I remember, I was to climb the precipice. Mount Highshan, Y, and A. I remember digging my fingers, my chalked fingers strong, had been prepared for this, digging them, I was naked, my genitals, my oversized penis, if you want to be honest, was dragging along against the coarse rock. Luckily for me, I have coarse skin. How? It was building calluses. I was prepared, but even that was almost too much for the undercarriage of my penis I had

tied it up and it was its underbelly was exposed it was obviously past my belly button wow yes I can't have my

three piece set flopping in the wind as I run I tie it down a piece of coarse rope because that keeps me honest isn't it

is there a spider in this story at all yes yes I'm not going to get to the spider okay yeah probably best not too it might be a bit overwhelming yeah but that's for the next podcast good for you I'll do the next podcast you know as a writer to be able to edit yourself yeah and this is where I see the true writer that you talked about what I did was I left the spider to their

imagination right right so right before I'm going to meet the spider now what right now what What a writer. And what are they doing? I poured salt on their tongue, and I held just out of reach with a cool glass of water. Or is it spider venom? Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Harlan Highway podcast. We just finished.

Oh. I was supposed to do this at the beginning. Oh. But we just finished. I thought we were warming up. We were. I wanted to talk about substantive issues. Did you have any questions?

how's your psoriasis it's good man I cured that with my step class 127 folks Brian Callum is here and uh dude pardon me it's Callan C-A-L-O-E well it's my show oh no I know when is this air I'd like to I'm not airing this one after that spider story I think this is gonna see the light a day I understand dream much no I'm just saying but I'll be I'll be all over. Go to Briancallon.com. Edmonton.

Tell them where they can see your tour or they can buy your books. I'll be this weekend. I probably won't air this, but this week. No. Yeah. But next weekend. Is there a website where they can generally?

Brian Callan.com. What is it? Brian Callan.com. I'm in Indiana. I'm in Fort Wayne, Indiana. In the third week of September. You're doing stand-up. Yeah.

How long is your show? How long do you go up for? 40 minutes, an hour, 20? An hour, an hour, five minutes. Tight right now. It's tight. Is it really tight? I'm getting ready to shoot my special.

Are you cereal? Yeah. What's it called? I can tell you. But just know that when you hear it, you're going to go, what did I name my fucking special that? Wow. All right, I'll tell you.

It's funnel web spider. Wow, there it is, folks. Let's start the podcast again. He brought it back. Anything else you want to tell him your social media? Have you got a book coming out? I got a lot of novels. Is there anything else you can tell the gang?

I mean, I want to get you exposed here, guy. You have a, you have podcasts. I have, I have, off limits. I have off limits. Tell them. I talk about, I talk about important subjects. I'm going to, uh, one, I, one is on mug club where you can get all kinds of amazing stuff. You go to mug club.com or you can go to YouTube on Thursdays.

I release a free one where I talk to small. people about substantive issues, not like the Harlan Highway, you know what I'm saying? Wait, sort of like that political block you did earlier? That's just like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And what's the address for that? Hey, you don't look like you're very interested. And it looks like you're being super.

Oh, there's that suck diet again. Can't wait to get on that. No, go and honestly, folks. Go and watch it. Brian is smart. He's informative. He's comedic. You got it all.

You got a lot of great layers. Funny, comedic, intelligent. You do have a good political, social conscience mind, and it's, check out his stuff, gang. Thanks, man. That was a ringing endorsement. Do you want the theme music one more time before we end, or are you good? No, I think I'm good. I'm going to go to the beach now.

What if I sort of build the beach experience up for them? Folks, Brian is going to the beach. Yeah. That's it for today, folks. Thanks for being here, my guy. Always for you. Always for you. I got the van outside.

I've got Meatloaf Paradise by the dashboard. Light queued up for us to go to Arby's. Is there candy in the back? And until next time, everybody, chicken chalemain. And we'll see in the jungle, right, Lord Greystoke? Yeah. Sounds like you just fell off a trailer. I did.

Hey, everybody. How would you like your very own personal video message from me, yours truly? It's your birthday, it's your anniversary, it's your graduation, or you just want me to make you laugh. You get to pick the topic. You want me to discuss. Give me some talking points. And off we go. You can get it for yourself or get it for a friend.

It's super easy and fun. Just go to the Cameo app on your phone or to Cameo.com. And I record a custom video made just for you or your loved one. Your very own personalized Harland. Ever get the feeling you're being watched online? It's not paranoia. It's data brokers. These companies collect your personal information,

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