The Harland Highway - CARROT TOP - TOUGH LOVE hair advice, new props, a new opening act, and a kids book carrot adventure!

Episode Date: June 10, 2025

This episode is sponsored by Kikoff: Start building credit with Kikoff today, and you can get your first month for as little as one dollar. That’s 80% off the normal price when you go to getkikoff.com/harland today The Harland Highway Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/c/HarlandWilliams Thanks for watching the Harland Highway. More Harland Williams: Harland Highway Podcast Video: https://www.youtube.com/c/HarlandHighwayPodcast Harland Highway Podcast Audio: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-harland-highway/id321980603 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/harlandwilliams Harbling Shirts: https://www.harbling.com Official Website: https://www.harlandwilliams.com Twitter :https://twitter.com/harlandhighway?lang=en More Carrot Top: Instagram:https://www.instagram.com/carrottoplive/?hl=en X: https://x.com/realcarrottop?lang=en #podcast #harlandwilliams Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, everybody. A few quick announcements before we get started today with the incredible podcast featuring Karatop. I want to let you know that we have a new feature online called patreon.com, where you can now get bonus episodes of the Harland Highway podcast, the special call-in shows, where we have the phone number 323-696-2-22. They're special shows. You can only see them on Patreon, where you the caller call-call. in, I listen to your voicemail, and I give you advice, I give you answers, I give you BS, whatever it is. Not all calls will get through. We obviously get a lot, so we'll have to pick and choose, but if you are on Patreon, you get to see those extra shows. Also, you get to see my little movies I made with the tender frienders, those stupid little dolls. Trust me, I've taken them all over the world and they are about as bizarre as a get. So I hope you enjoy that. Don't forget today's

theme song was created by one of you guys, one of the fans of the show. Peter Daly did today's theme song. So let's give him a round of applause. Peter, great job. Loving the theme songs you guys are sending in. It's so fun to hear your creativity and to be able to inject it into the show and make you guys part of the show every week, a brand new theme song. And lastly, folks, I want you to check out my wonderful stand-up comedy tour in Eastern Canada taking place June 24th through 28th. I'm going to be in St. John's. I'm going to be in Fredericton.

I'm going to be in Halifax. I'm going to be great. So check it out on my website, harlough Williams.com, my Eastern Canada stand-up comedy tour at theaters. June 24th to 28, get your tickets there. They're selling fast. Don't want you to get shut out. So get on there and order today. And without further ado, do, do let's go to the show show.

Have fun. We go way back so far. I want to talk about this before we talk about what's on your head. It's on my head. We're going to talk about it. I'm going to give you some tough luck. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex?

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exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So, be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Love. If you're okay with that. You know, I could give a fuck what you have to say to me about my hair. But you can go, go at it. It's tough love. I know. Harlan Highway, Harlan Highway, Harlan Highway, Harlan Highway Come on get it, Harlan Highway

Come on get it, Harlan Highway Oh, dude Do you like me with glasses or without? How do you prefer? A shirtless, the glasses are fine, but... Why you gotta do this to me? We're just starting.

We're just starting. Leave it on. What do you mean? Now you're Burke Kreiser. Now you've got to leave it on. Well, you said. That's true. So glasses are no glass?

I mean... I like the glasses. You like the glasses? Yeah, he looks smarter, though. I do. Oh, you didn't turn your phone on silent. Yeah, did. Mine's off.

Someone else's phone went off. Look. Is that mine? Probably. It's always... Why are we blaming? Well, because mine's off. Wait, let me look.

Wait, right away, I'm blaming you. Excuse me while I leave my podcast. Yeah, mine's on silent too. Maybe it was somebody out there. Well. Hi. Hi, buddy. You ever do that?

Just creepy you up. Hi. Yeah, I like it. Hi. Just sit down and say that. hi it's creepy dude like I just

I want to say hello to you but something in me is just going is hi hi hi yeah my air conditioner's broken if I start sweating

can you feel that we could have done this in my place really yeah I would love to come to your place I don't have people do you live in a root cellar be honest

you got it with your name I should I should live in a That would be cool. Hey, it's carrot top. Come on over to the root cellar. Yes. Well, now I'm going to, fuck.

You gave me an idea. I'm moving. Folks, here we are. Welcome to the Halle Highway podcast. I do it in Cajun. I was going to say you. I forgot what that was. Welcome to the Hall of Highway podcast.

We got Caratop in the house tonight. What's happening, buddy? How are you, guys? You know each other for years. We've known each other, I think, almost 30 years. Yeah, right, 30 years. I knew you when you were just a, like, a root. You were just a root, yeah.

You were just a parsnip almost. Dude, yeah, it's been a long time. And then you motor, you were in L.A. And then you motored off to Vegas. Yeah. And you've been there, how long now, my guy? Yeah, 29 years, yeah. Are you, I guess you can't say it.

We can ask, but is there a point where you're just like enough, or do you still love it? No, I love it. I think it's... You really love it, legit. Yeah, yeah. It's great. I mean, you go home every night, you do a show every night, and you don't have to travel and they come to you.

It seems to me you get to work out more material because you're in one spots. Every night, you have a show every night. So you get into a rhythm where you just add them and, you know, and then it becomes a bit, you know? And you've been, you do two shows in a night? Just one, just one. My manager at the time, we had two because he had a car payment, but we just do...

Oh, yeah. What kind of color? Just to one, nice car. I fired him, so now we just do one show. What kind of car? I feel like you're avoiding it. What kind of car? I feel like you're not answering.

We should answer. What kind of car? The fifth time I've asked. What kind of car? Hi. Hi. God, you did the eye thing at the end. You're so weird.

This is what you, you went, hi. Like prints. Yeah. Oh, that was like sort of print. You're a mate prints? Yeah. Hey everybody, check out my merchandise at Harbling.com. Yeah, most people just slap some letters or images on a t-shirt or a hoodie, but not me.

Yours truly. Guess what? I draw my own designs at Harbleng.com. You can see tons of my hand-drawn t-shirts. You can either buy the original or you can buy a print. and, man, oh man, wear them loud and proud. I love making these designs for you guys and keeping it personal. So check out the whole catalog.

We got hoodies, we got coffee mugs, we got t-shirts, you name it. It's there at harbling.com. Get your Harland original design, wearable art at Harbling.com today. And thank you for your support. just keep the the groovy images coming tell me the print story guy before we get before I've got two one I was going to

I was going to my room at the MGM Grand and I was performing there so my face was all over the billboards and I was going down to the my room and the sweets level and the girls was high and I said you know how'd you go go I said great and walk into the I see this big black guy in the middle of the hallway and I would walk by and he, you know, wouldn't let me go by

and kind of dodging him. Prince isn't big and black. No, no. So I said, oh, I'm trying to go to my room and he goes, you can't go this way. So I turned around, I saw like a little guy behind the big guy. Here we go.

And I'm back to the girl and I said, I can't get to my room. And she said, why? And I said, the guy, does he work here? And she said, no. I said, well, can you help me get to my room? And we went walking up. Excuse me, sir. He has to go to this room.

And he kind of did it half turned to her and says, he can't come this way until I'm, until, and I see, and I see, So I said, Prince, can I go to my room? And he says, you can go to your room. And then I walked by him and I kind of high-fived him and he let me go to my rooms. You did what to him? I did like a high-five, you know.

Oh, what? A little five. Just a little high. Hi. High-five. I think I kissed him on the cheek, maybe, maybe. Oh, you got to? He's the prince.

Yeah, he's Prince. I think I kissed his ring. Oh, his onion ring? Yeah. Yes. You know, I feel like. His cock ring. You're going, er, eh, eh, yeah, bye.

So much for high. Well, imagine, you know what I think would be great is if this story was the same. Nice. And it wasn't Little Prince, it was the Jackson Five. Right. And you went, high, five. And then you could have got away with that.

Yeah. Because I was a wasted high five. You've been on the Tonight Show before with Jay. So I was on the, the, the, the, the, tonight show with Jay. So I'm, yeah, with Jay Leno. Jay Lynn Yeah, I'm on the tonight show Yeah, hi, hi five, yeah Karen Tom

How you're gonna, hi How you do, hi Hi, how you do, I'm gonna take the jet You take the jet You can hardly talk My chin gets in the way of my words You know, I can't get it out here

You know So I do the I'm a guest on the show So Prince is is a guest What? And so I said to Jay Right in the makeup It's right across the hall

We're from the door I said can I meet you know Prince And he's like You're in the phone It's got the eye And I said no I'm not that kind of guy I don't want to knock on the door

and bother them, you know, I want to be protocol. I want to get someone to walk me in properly. Jay, you're out in the end. If you walked in and say, hey, if Karen's, I'll be done and the phone. You know, so Jay says, I'll come back a little bit, take it. So I'm just standing there. Get my makeup. Right as I walk out the door, his door opens, Prince's door, and he looks right at me.

He says, where's my fucking tea? And I was like, I know, but I was like, I don't know. and he's like can you find my fucking tea and the door closed and I look back and the girl's like and Jay stand there I said he wants me to get his tea and he's like what I said I don't know

so I went and made him tea oh I thought you meant Mr. T was the other guest nice no where his tea no where it's my no word he said we're Mr. T he wanted his his fucking tea so I'm right here fool I've made him tea oh wow so you made no idea that yes do you know how

Can you say that in a British accent? Because it feels more... I made Prince tea. You made tea for the Prince. I made tea for the Prince. Oh, that's lovely. I did. I put sugar in the...

I did put sugar in the Rolling Stone drummer's tea one time. Ooh. Because he was standing there and I say, can I... Can I... He's dead now, right? I think so. It might have been the tea that killed him. Yeah.

I might have been the sugar, the big sugar cube. Because that was the last one he saw before he died. Oh, God. I said, can I put a... Can I put a T cube in your tea? And he's like, Yes. That's it?

Yeah, that's it, yeah. Then we made out again. We made it. A lot of making it. Time, guy. Time, okay. Slurp the tea. We're both in show business, my guy.

Are we? When you sit down and tell a major entertainment story, including the Rolling Stones on the Harlot Highway podcast where people come for deep stories. Yes. The story doesn't end with one. word. You just said yes, and that was the end of the story. That's how powerful it was. It ends with just yes. Wait a minute. You don't need any more of the story. So, wait, are you telling me

he said yes? Yeah. Holy fuck. Right? Okay. I'm going to tell the story if you said no. Yeah. What if he said, hi. God. That's the new thing. Why are we so creepy to Might you just call the show that. Hi. Harlan's Highway. Hi. Oh, yeah. Harland.

High way. Why not? Oh, wow, dude. I like it. Wow. I would subscribe tomorrow if it was that. You're not subscribed to this. I'm going to be now that I'm on it.

Now, you said you were at the Tonight Show getting your makeup done. Yes. And I noticed you're my first guest who wears eyeliner. I'm the first guest you've had that wears eyeliner. Lightliner? Nail. And I just wondered, is that Cat Von D's

Midnight Sunsplash or what is that? I've always worn makeup. I know. That's why I got into show business so I could wear makeup. It is? Yeah, and women's panties.

That's the only reason why you get into show business because no one questions it. Like, why is he wearing women's panties? He's in show business. You're wearing women's panties right now. No, no, not to the podcast. Maybe I'm on the plane later back to L.A.

But what is? I want to know for real, is it, because it's obviously eyeliner. Is it Mac? Is it Sephora? It's Sephora. It's Rees Witherspoon's Autumn Fun? It's Bobby Brown's, maybe. Whoa.

No, yeah, maybe something. I don't know. It's just, I've always worn it. I work, you know, I'm on stage, and I have, I love it. I have light features, you know. So I have to have, like, you know, my have blonde eyebrows and blonde, and blonde, everything, so I have to, you know. What it really does, though, is when Ray Leota used to do this,

William Shatner did it a little bit, Bruce Willis. Yeah. But your eyes are piercing blue. Right. And when you put a little black under the eye, man, you're like laser beams right now. Are you turned on? I am turned on. I have no problem with it.

I just curious. Maybe I put some eyeliner on you. If you got any, I'll take it. We'll do it right now. I'll take it if you got it. I'll even wear your panties. All right. God.

Buddy, Vegas, be on any, you ever getting a hot tub with anyone? Like you ever do a hot tub with Cher and Manilow and Celine Dion? Yeah. You have? Yeah. Talk to me, guy. And then the answer is just yes. No.

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Yeah. There was a big, huge party. And I shouldn't probably. It was in a magazine, so I guess I can mention it. You can say it. You know, it became friends and say, hey, come back to my art part. We're having some people, have some people from London over. We're going to go to do.

We're going to swim and we're going to have food. So I came over. And Shania Twain. So Shania Twain, so Shania Twain had had us all over. But she didn't go in the hot tub. me and like eight gay guys did so there's me and eight gay guys in a hot tub and she comes walking out like put it in the hell are you all skinny dipping and then there's a guy from esquire magazine that's covering me and following my everyday mood so he's writing as fast he can

like you know what the fuck wow in a hot tub with eight guy guy and and sinai twing was she standing on the yeah she never got in feel like a man yeah she was I feel like a woman A man's touching me under the bubbles. Then Esquire wrote about it, and then I got in trouble from the Shanai's people because the guy wasn't supposed to be talking about us in a hot tub. Oh, who cares? I didn't care.

You don't care. It looked great for me. I'm like, hey, Caratops in Escobarra magazine in a hot tub. You're one of the most unique acts ever in the world of comedy. You own that space. And I want to ask you, do you have you ever had it? an opening act when you do your show or is it just you? Cosby comes out, does about

20 minutes, and then I come up. Of what? Usually, you know, you know, you know, you know. Yeah. I can't even do, I can't even do a Cosby voice. Yeah. If you put pills in a girl's drink.

Now you just need a little bit. Wow. But you don't have an opening act? Yeah, I have a guy that comes out. I guess the crowd's seated and warmed up. Just one of my guys. But he's not, is he doing? like a traditional opening 20? Yeah, it works the crowd, gets him seated

and that kind of stuff. Yeah, he still does material, you know. I, look, because I've tried everything. I had dogs and magic and all kinds, but I'm already enough. I'm a, I'm a, you know, me, my show is kind of, yeah, I mean, there's enough variety, enough stuff going on, so I don't need more variety.

So I have this straight stand-up that comes up and just kind of works the crowd. Are you open to a new opening act? Are you, are you, are you thinking about, you want to, we've been friends, I said, 30 years. Just send me a, send me a tape. Oh, fuck that. I'd like to audition right now. Did you love that?

Send a tape. I bet I've been on the, you know. I'd like to audition right now for you, Caratop. Yeah. Let's do it. Okay, here's my bit. Your caratop, okay? Okay.

I'm going to be Coleslawhead. Oh, God, damn. All. Jesus. Hi, I'm Coleslaw. The fact that you had that planned and prepared was really, really, really. Really, God damn. Hey, I'm Koleslaw, head.

Hey, how about a butterfly? There you go. Now, see, that's the problem is you'd blow me off the stage. I couldn't be able to follow this. Is this any good? No, that's the, maybe the, that might be the worst one I've ever seen in my life. It's like the, the thing in your head is. Let me kill it with a BB gun.

Oh, God. Now, see, now, let me, let me, let me, let me. Let me, let me explain. Coleslawhead, guys. Coleslawhead, that's your, that's your, that's your closer. No, that's my, that's your closer, right? You open with that. I'm Coleslawhead.

So you open with that. It's Carrot Top and Coleslawhead. All right, I like it. I came up with the new brand of cigarette. I think you got, I think you got, what are your new brand of the cigarette? Thanks for asking, carrot top. Let Coleslawhead show you. Can I offer you a camel toe?

No, no, see, look at that. That's not bad. Come on, guy. That might be your best one yet. That's the closer, right? Cameltoe. No? Now, let me try Cameltoe, actually.

That's pretty good. It's pretty good. Huh? Am I an opening act yet? Now, see, you know who you would do well for. You know the Wid, right? The legendary, you know, the legendary. No, God, no shit.

Destroyed the whole podcast. There goes. Oh, God. Jesus. Dude, Coleslawhead. You would do, I like that it's still just sitting on your fucking head. I think that's great. Yeah, I'm Coleslaw head.

Carrot Top and Coleslaw head. Do you like it or no? I feel like you're, I don't know if you're, you're vibing with that. I'm loving it, man. You are? Because if this is chapping your ass and I'm rubbing you the wrong way, I could always give you a little baby powder. Oh, God.

Does that come out? I think something was going to come out. How about a little baby powder guy? You know? Oh, wow. You're going to snort it? See, that's a prop comic right there. Wow.

Dude, it got smoke in here. Back in the fires in L.A., here we are. Have you ever done the baby powder one? No, I think you might have the, The patent on that one. If I don't do it on stage, it's yours. Nice. Well, now I can't do it on stage.

You did baby powder. I mean, that was the... You mentioned... What the style, your style of prop comedy is? If you could address me by my name. You should at least say my name. We didn't do that in Kiltonny. You just said, listen, fuck.

Your style is... Who's? Yours? Yours. Did you just call me Coleslawhead? Oh, Coastal Head. Thank you. Coastal Head, honestly, between you and that.

Yes, Kara Todd. What you would, what I consider this type of prop humor. Yeah. And putting humor lightly is that, no, no. Well, I'm your opening act. Remember the Whid, when I know, you can kind of eat it. It doesn't matter. So the Wid, remember the Wid, legendary Wid?

No. You remember him? No. I remember like Amazing Jonathan Yeah, I remember Amazing Jonathan Gallagher Ripp Taylor

Rip Taylor All right Now Rip Taylor Oh it's so flamboyant and fun Rip Taylor He would be high Rip Taylor You know his middle name

Was a fart You did you know that? I met him many times And he hated me And why Well because I He thought that I was doing What he

And this is exactly what he would do He would say Butterfly Was you serious? Yeah. Fucking plagiarist. Boobie traps. It would be like a bra with

with traps on it. Okay. So it was a play on words and see what you've done there is a play in words. See the BB gun. And for that to be funnier, I would have two bees on it.

So I got one. But I remember, I'm the opening act. That'd be two bees. That's a BB gun. See, that's a bee gun. Yeah. This is a bee gun.

Yeah, he had a BB gun. Oh, well, see. yeah this is why I'm the opening out. We're having it, this is a thank you. You're mentoring me. We're having a mentoring course, yes. And we're inside, so this is like an intercourse. That powder really is fucking stingy. It is, isn't it?

And you made it into cocaine and I'm like if you're going to do some cocaine, I think I might pull out my crack pipe. If you don't mind me having a crack pipe. I think you've got Oh, man. Just me smoking me crack pipe.

Me and me and coleslaw head and carrot top smoking me crack pipe. Hi. I think it's a pussy pipe. I'm not quite sure that's a pot. It is? Yeah, it looks, it's a pussy, right? Or a clitterat. A clitter, yeah.

Menthol-free. Something. How is it, though, good? You want a hit? Yeah, sure. I'll hit of it. Crack pipe. Yeah.

Dude, you're having a camel toe and a crack pipe. It tastes just like rubber, like a, like you ate out of rubber doll. Yeah. He'd even not a rubber doll before, I'm sure. Oh, yeah. Where you got this from. Yeah. You see, the sad thing, you had to go, did you, you just had this around your house.

Oh, yeah. That's the cleaning ladies. Yeah, he didn't just like, I need to go get a, this caratop interview. I need to go get a pipe and a pussy. Oh, the places that thing's been. God. Dude, what else do I have? What do you have?

Christmas is coming. Do you like the holidays? How about some nutcrackers? I like it. Dude, you know. You must have been at the same store. Perfect. I have a set.

One more aisle. I got a 10-minute spot. Any of this stuff you want, you can have. Oh, please. Oh, good. I'm going to fly with us all back. Are you cereal? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, my cereal, you can pull out some cereal. Oh, are you thirsty? Sure. What do you got? What do you got? How about some... Some delicious beetle juice. I just think you're high.

You're high, is what you are. Coleslawhead doesn't work high. You got co-slaw on your hair. You fucking drinking. What is it again? It's beetle juice. Beetle juice. If you say it three times, you're not thirsty anymore.

Dude, can I be your opening act? Why won't you let me? Well, you absolutely. You cannot now. But why? He was thought earlier. You had me, honestly. I did.

Where did I lose you? I think right about the first one. Oh, butterfly? Maybe the butterfly. Okay. Well, if you change your mind, I'm available. I like it, though. I like the work and the hard work you put into determination.

What was your very... Shopping. You went to go find out of shit. I went shopping. I worked hard. You went to a savers and I found a gun. Coleslaw had worked hard. What was your very first thing you made?

Because it's ingenious. I'm having fun with it here, but your stuff is freaking ingenious. Yeah. What was your very first? the device you ever made, do you remember? Yeah, I made it. Well, it was a few ones that there was a few that were still. There was a few.

One was a paper cups and string, you know, the phone. Yeah. So everyone had a paper cups and string phone, but I thought we should have a new one to update an updated version of the phone. So I had one that had call waiting that came out of the cup for another call waiting. Oh, yeah. Conference calling, you know, three more cups. Yeah, yeah.

So it was, you know, stupid. play on an idea that everybody had seen, but, well, we don't have a call waiting yet thing. That was the very first one you ever made. That was a very, a hat, well, the very first one was a hat. A very, very, very first. A hat for my grandmother to wear when she drove, so her head went above the seat. So it was a hat with his old lady head on a spring, and so when she drove, it would damp bounce. I lived in Florida, so it was, you know, like, oh, this guy's genius. Oh, I love it. And then they would just be hundreds. You know, after you get one,

Like you, once you get one gem, he just... Oh, this is three years of work right here, my guy. Right. This is the A shit right here. Yeah. But then you just start, yeah, you just start flowing, you know, a cowboy boot with a kickstand so you don't fall down when you're... Yeah.

Mouth trap for gay mice, you know, to this all come... I saw that one. But what's the... That's old, that's old. It is? Yeah. But that's the thing, you can use them forever. Sometimes, I mean, yeah, like this, this act of yours will go on forever.

It will? Yeah. Where are we touring next? Once we tweak it, we tweak it a little bit. You're on the right track. Would you like a nutcracker? Yes. And what's the latest one?

What's your latest favorite? Like your favorite contraption that you got going? I made a guitar for ACDC because the lead, the guitar player does that, yeah, leave that up there. Lee, you know, does his leg, he dances. He does his leg thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So we have a video of ACDC live doing that, and I say he's 75, when he's 80, he won't build to do it. So I made a guitar.

that has a leg that does the movement for it. So it looks like he's doing the leg. And it's funny because it's rock and roll. It's loud and it's in your face. Yeah. And it's, you know, clever. Peeway Herman doll, because the documentary just came out. So I have a Peewee Herman doll that shoots Jiz out of it.

That's jizz, you know, cum, sperm. It's in your cup. That's what you're drinking, exactly. We knew Pee We probably, didn't you? I didn't, I don't think I met him. Same. You never met peewee? No.

Did you love him? Everyone loved Peeway Herman, yeah. He was just like the, and he did a lot of silly props things too, but he would do them in a way where kind of, like you, he would just hold up a rubber snake and go, and go, I'm singing it. He didn't make any sense. But he means silly. Yeah. But he was, Peewee Herman was beloved people, yeah. It'd be silly to you.

I'm trying to make a living. You're doing great. Hi. I'm glad I came across first before you did because that would have been hard to have what is it? Cabbage Head? What did you call your name?

Coleslaw Head. Your new opening act. God, I can't wait. Maybe Cabbage heads. It'll be easier on the... I love your name though, Caratop. I do you? I'd freaking love it.

Yeah, I do. Because it's cute. When I met you, okay, now it's a little... We're going to talk about this in a bit. Oh, yeah. We're going to have some tough love. in a bit. But for now, when I met you, you were like a little squirt, almost pippy long stocking-esque,

little freckles, bright red hair, a little sort of afro style. And I love the name, and you're the sweetest, one of the sweetest guys I ever did meet. And I hope you'll indulge me. I hope you don't mind. But guy, I always pictured you being in a kid's book, a little carrot tops kid book. But I like doing shit like this, you know, so you can't, yeah. My show's very adult-ish,

and so people have come to me years ago, years and years ago, and they would ask me if I would do a kid show, and I always thought the same thing. Pee B. B. Herman already did it and nailed it. Everything you tried to try to do probably would be always trying to be Pee We Herman

as your cabbage falls off your head. But I always wanted to be a little bit more an adult humor. Not adult, like, just, hey, fucking. But I just wanted to have the luxury of being just an adult comic, and I didn't want to have a children's act, you know. But I thought about it. I changed my guy.

I mean, I thought, the thought had come across. I did do a show on Cartoon Network. Yeah. It was called Caratops AM Mayhem, and that was actually a pretty good show. So it lasted for a couple years. well I always thought you would be great for a kid's book yeah and if you'll indulge me my bud sure I wrote and illustrated a carrot top kid book for you really and I'd love to show it and read

it for my bud I would love to hear it coleslaw had would love to read to carrot top his very own kid's book do you want to smoke the crack pipe what you read to me Here we go, gang. And I'll put these... Oh, yeah. I'll put these pictures up. A little tiny carrot top lived halfway underground, but he could hear the world above every little sound.

Living in the dirt made little carrot top frown, so he pulled himself up by the roots and decided to look around. soon what a wondrous things await who knew what he could find he said goodbye to turn up cabbage and cucumber and left the garden far behind isn't that nice all your little buddies

oh look at this soon he was in the forest chunky the fat chipmunk eating hazelnut with his buck teeth and mongo the demented bigfoot eating chunks of zebra meat well if you can laugh no I like it okay

this is a kid's book yes yes this is a carrot skipping through the fields birdies flew around ostriches and penguins dragonflies and a scary clown carrot top found

some sunflowers wider than the Dementoid's face found cinnamon puffy mons and a creature from outer space. Do you like this or no? I love this.

You do? This could go right to print right now. Yes, Caratop was living in the world he's so craved. Magic puffy fun stuff and a koala freshly shaved. I'm going to put these pictures up on screen. What a wondrous place he thought as he skipped across the land. candy floss shaped like a cement mixer held firmly in his hand. I didn't get that in there.

But there's a lot of skipping, which is good. Do you like to skip? Apparently, he skipped four times in the books. And so Karatop loved the world, prancing in the sun, and he even met a pretty girl, a girl named Onion Bun. Jesus. What a wondrous place he thought. Wait, I already read that part.

This is the last one, ready? And off they ran in the sunset, jumpy, jumpy skip. To carrot top, oh, carrot top, you're the orangiest carrot boy from puffy bottom to your crunchy tip. There and you go running off. Oh, God, are you okay? Do you need a Kleenex? That was great.

What did you think, Guy? No, really, that's good. That would be a great book. That would be, that would be, when I go to the airport later, I'll be, see that on a newsstand, yeah. You have a working title of it? Yep. Little tiny carrot top.

Little tiny carrot top. There it is right there. I look very handsome and E-N-A-I, don't I? But look at this one where you're coming out of the ground. No, it's so great. You don't seem pleased. I'm living in the roots. No, I'm actually blown away that you spent this much time.

My girlfriend did the illustrations. It's beautiful. Elizabeth, isn't that? She's amazing. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. Like I said, I wish I looked that good. Well, it might be nice if you maybe just said, thank you, Coleslaw Head. I think you, Cotton, Coleslaw Head.

Wow, that felt really for it. Like, no, I'm doing props. Now, you're doing. I do a full children's book, and I don't even get a sincere, loving, thank you, Kohl's law head. Thank you, Kohl's Law Head. That was beautiful. It was very touching. It was very touching. It really was so creepy. that it's actually pretty good though it's good like it's funny but then you're like

that's actually kind of good I want to see a series with you yeah we could do we could do a whole show you're just you're too unique yeah and I want to we go way back so far I want to talk about this before we talk about what's on your head

it's on my head we're gonna talk about it I'm gonna give you some tough love if you're okay with that you know I could give a fuck what you have to say to me about my hair. But you can go, go at it. It's tough love. I know.

But I want to talk about something else. Uh-oh. I was talking about it. I don't know. Talk about it back in the early days, you did a movie called Chairman of the Board. I did, indeed, yes. And you remember you asked me to be in it

and I couldn't do it because I was doing another movie. Yes. But your director came to my house. Yep. He sat down with me. and we weren't able to work it out but and look how lucky you were

see look at that no I love it what was it like for you it was a great experience because you were the star you were the lead guy yeah it was a huge huge movie

we had we had everyone in it Jack Warden and oh he's a great actor unbelievable he's amazing Raquel Welsh

I mean we had what Raquel Welch was in it yeah did you have to kiss her yeah you did oh she's stunning yeah

it was a beautiful movie and what an experience and never been in a movie kind of weird being the first time you've ever been in a movie you'd never been in a movie any movie and there's like hey you're the star

so it was a little stressful a little bit crazy but it took about you know you got into it and got more comfortable as the days went into it but I think what was missing was you we really built the movie around your day

I was honored that you even invited me because we were just new we'd just met we'd only probably known each other about a year we worked at the clubs and I was super honored but I couldn't work it out because of my schedule

that's when I started doing movies too but thank you would you like to do more movies I've always wondered if you wanted to do more I like doing movies I like acting I think that's the fun I do a lot of that like now I'm acting

I'm pretending like I'm enjoying this I go to do that's no way to talk to your opening act I mean, guy, we're going to be working together a lot. I love, you'll see a lot of this when we work together. But no, I like the acting as fun. As you know, you're a comic and an actor, so it's fun. It's a whole different.

Would you do a role in a movie if I wrote a role for you? A fun role. Am I skipping again? No, it's a real role that captures your essence, lets you do what you do, but it's organic to the movie. Yeah. It's not like, oh, here's Caratop. Yeah, well, good.

It's not a cameo. Well, that's what we haven't done a lot more of those kind of movies because I didn't want to do another Caratop movie. Yeah, we did that. But if I put you in a movie and it's organic

and you get to do your thing, but it's not like, here's Caratop. It's integrated into the story, a comedy. Would you be up for that? Yeah. Oh, I like that. Yeah, that'd be awesome.

I already have something in mind and I'll tell you about it later. Yeah, I do. I do love that. Every comic wants to be in movies, you know that, right? I mean, because it's different than what we do in stand-up is one thing, and then you get into a set of a movie. You don't get any feedback for months,

and you just kind of have to live with your gut that is funny, and you commit to it. And it's an interesting part of, you know, because actors think the same thing as us, right? How do you do this stand-up comedy thing? And then we think, why do you do this acting thing? So I think it's a lot of parallels. I'm listening to what you're saying.

And I just, I, I, I want you to know that. I was supposed to be in Batman. Yeah, this really bothers me, yeah. As what? You could be your own character. The riddler, the Joker, Caratop. You could be like an evil. That would be cool.

I was going to, maybe they can think about it. They do a, you have a salad shooter? In 19th, yeah. Right. Yeah, I had met the guy that he said, I went to the office, the whole nine yards. He says, you're in Batman. And the girl said, yep, yep, he's one of the, They have these crazy guys on bikes

and they had this crazy hair And he said We don't even have to do anything to your hair Fuck, you're just show up as you are He liked my muscles He's like leave everything You look like a you're like a Like a villain

And so he just It turned into We were supposed to do it then What happened? I don't know I know Yeah trust me I was that's the most bum thing In my entire career

Well because they told you you're gonna do us You tell you all your friends And they're then you'd say I'd be starting canceling shows Getting ready to film And they said, oh, we over did. And we promised, you know, we promised meatloaf. And so even meatloaf didn't get to be in Batman.

Oh, can you imagine meatloaf and carrot top? That's almost the whole food groups. That would have been, it would have been a good. I would have been, you were to remain at Batman the buffet. Yes. Wow. Dude, that breaks my heart. Yeah, mine too.

But that book's going to bring it all back now. The Carrot Top book? It's great. But you think I'm joking. I really do have a movie role in mine for you. All right. And it's because of this podcast that I thought of it earlier.

I was thinking as someone else and then I thought about you and I saw you on Kill Tony. How could you think about somebody else? Because it didn't occur to me until I started writing up my questions to you. Oh, then you saw Kill Tony, and then you thought you...

I saw Kill Tony and I'll tell you there's a connection. I'm going to tell you later. Okay. But I'm not even joking. So anyone who looks back on this podcast, I hope, in a year from now or so, my guys

in a movie. I hate to tell you this, but camera two is sideways. Oh, it is. You knocked it over with your camel toes. I did? Yeah. Do you want me to fix it? No, no, leave it. There's a reason. Everything happens for a reason. Good. It's probably going to be the best

episode yet. Oh, this is already the best. I look great sideways. Yeah. You talked about your muskoles. Yes. You're really fidgeting with that crack pipe. Well, it's really more of a pussy.

I'm just, it's rubbery. Yeah. This whole section is just. This whole section. So should we move it? I don't care. Should we move the nut crackers? I'm enjoying, I'm enjoying the view.

Then you gotta do like a, see this, if it was a pipe and you could do it like a Bill Clinton joke. Oh, here we go. Yeah, right? See, there's the joke. Here we go, but hold it up to the camera. You have a cigar in there that's a Bill Clinton cigar holder, you know.

It's upside down, bro. The click goes on the top. Oh, come on, guy. Basic anatomy. I mean, I knew that. I mean, the camera's sideways. Oh, right, okay. All right.

You referenced your pipes, your guns. I didn't bring them up. You did. Oh, you're staring at him. I am. But I'm going to tell you something. You mentioned the word meatloaf. Yes.

I challenge you that I have a bit bigger meatloafs than you. Probably. Get them up, guys. These are the meatloafs? Let's see. I don't know. Yours is hidden behind the mic. This is you and I judging each other.

Yeah. People at home, they're like, who knows. Oh, you put yours down first. Well, how long you let have put it up for me? Well, we're in a challenge. We're in a challenge. Who can hold their meat? up the longest. You didn't say that. You said who's got a

well you put yours down like a penguin putting his flap down. Mine's a little bigger I carry way I carry way more hate mail than you do so that's... What about this side? That's a beast. Yeah your left is your left might have my left.

Your left might have your she had a good you got a good okay you've got a good bye okay tell me he's got a good bye double bagger there you dude I'm challenging you I'm running up onion doing a Rambo player bro

I did the one I only do I don't do double I don't do a double I don't do a double why because look how you look right now

look at you look right now fuck you on Batman how about me coleslaw coleslaw top coleslaw head your charitop all right

can I do some tough love yeah because everyone you know we're friends you have a million friends let's do it and I know you said you don't

give a fuck what I think about your hair, and you shouldn't. But can I say maybe it's time to clean that Hornets nest up a little bit? Yeah. It's just getting good. I know, but if I can be blunt, it looks like a Dairy Queen blizzard. Yeah, that's exactly what I was going for. Got hit by a truck at the gay pride parade. Yeah, I went to the dealer. I went to the drug dealer if I got my hair done. I went to the salon. I said, they said, what a,

What are you kind of thinking? I said, a blizzard that maybe looks like I got hit with a gay pride. And I said, all right. But am I allowed to be tough love? Because this is coming from a caring place. And you're going to get mad. You're getting mad. I can care lots about it.

But you better watch you get mad with. Then the doubles come out. See, the doubles come out. But I care about my keratop. And I want to see that cleaned up a bit guy. I do. What do you think about that? You don't give a fuck?

No, no, no. But what if I want you, because I want, I want, what about what I want, well, if you, well, if you, but you're okay with where it's at, because it went from, like, nice orange, puffy carrot, like, red, and your name's carrot, to George Clinton. But now it's sort of like. Yeah, George Clinton. But talk to me, but what's going on, guy? Talk to me. I know you're getting tired of combing it.

I thought, no, let's have fun with it. Do some, do some dreads. Fun, yeah. But are they dreads, or are they dreadful? No, they're dreads full. No, there's dreads full, I think. Dreadful? Dreadful. Dreadful.

No, it's not dreadful. It's good. I say, hey, man. Would I? You have, you have Kohl's on your fucking hair right now, so there's no way you can talk to me about what's in my hair. Would you be open to me washing your hair? hair.

I would, no. I could take a dip with you, maybe. We could go take a dip. You could kind of hold me on her for about 25 seconds and then. Would you consider a new hairstyle? Or is this it, are we locked? This is the new hair. This is the new hair. This is the new caretop.

You're locked. This is the new carot. This is the new character. But if a guy who loves you is giving you tough love is saying, let's clean it up a little guy. Yeah. Am I getting a giant fuck off? Or am I getting Harlan, cares he's looking out for me because sometimes you need a third eye yeah i think it's exactly

it's just it's just starting to get where i want it to be yeah look at me it's kind of hard to look right at you you have three eyes look at me it's harland and i don't it's cabbage i care it's Koslaw Head cares about I care you know what you're mad about it's going to fuck up your book because the book illustrations you have is my hair saw see that's really I'm not mad that's the problem so you're mad so we'd have to redo all those illustrations with all this shit

and it and it would have to be purple and green and blue and red here's the deal though as a guy who cares and loves for 30 years I'm giving my tough love but if you decide you want to stay where you are I accept I'll let you know a couple weeks Maybe you know I'll go through it

Have you ever thought about You know would you be happy You know would you be happy You know a couple weeks After they do the show And I do I change it I would love it

All your listeners All four of them are saying Five five We have one in Bermuda We just got Nice I love Bermuda I love Bermuda

What street Um Fourth Great Street I got touched by an angel there So what You're saying you might consider this now I've planted a seed

maybe you know what it would be the the real consideration would come down to this incredible movie that you have written so if the movie required something different than what I have on my head then I would probably have to change it do you like it that I'm being honest and having tough love or are you annoyed and angry

no I don't give it like I said before you start talking about I don't give a shit like I mean I'm you do realize that the business we're in we don't give a shit about nothing that's why we got into this business but do you like that one of your friends is giving you tough love because he cares. No, but you're the only one unless the other ones are afraid to tell me.

They are. Yeah, maybe they're all afraid to tell me. They're all afraid. They're like, you look great. Well, that's what I'm trying to tell you. A great character, yeah, really good. So how does it make... Top of carrots are green?

How does it make you feel that I'm giving you tough love and being honest and real? I care shit about it, but I appreciate it, though. Well, is there any tough love you want to give to me? See, we don't have time for that because I could go on for day. I would like some... Fair is fair of paratop.

I don't like it. What I would have to say would just be painful. Can you just say it? I don't mind. I can take it. I'd rather know, and then I can work on myself. Please.

Please. Please. Please give me some tough love. Please. Please. Hi. Come on. Give me one guy.

This is tough love. We're doing... The name of this episode's going to be tough. Territ, tough, vegetable love. Just give me one. No, you look great. The problem is you look great. You got your guns around.

What about when I took my shirt off? That had to be an aberration. A little rough. Okay, talk to me about that. No, but you don't take your shirt off normally. I know, but guys. We started the show and you said, would you like me to have my glasses on her office?

I'd prefer you to have no shirt. And you were nice enough to oblige and take your shirt off. And then I immediately requested, maybe put it back on. What did you see? I need to know. Okay. See, I want to work on that. What is it?

Are my nipples crooked? We don't have to see. Please, please. Please don't show us again. What's wrong with my nipples? Please. Dude, see, I like that we're connecting. Because all these other podcasters.

You know what? Fucking. Damn it, it's out of bees. It's out of pollen. I think we're connecting, but you don't. We always have connected. You and I have been friends for years. years and years. I know, but this is the first time

we've ever done the tough love thing. I like it. You know, there was a comic that you said that when I walk into the improv, he always say, you look like a young Anne Murray with your fag makeup and shit. I used to think that was so funny. I was like, oh, thanks. Like I did, I took it as a compliment. I look like

Anne Murray. I like, oh. You, my friend, and here comes some more tough love. Oh, shit. You are one of the top comedians of the last three, almost four decades who have kicked ass ingenuity

through the roof, people come out to see you, sold out shows. That's some tough real love and I'm proud of you, my guy. Well, thank you, buddy. I think it's amazing and you are a fucking phenomenon.

How about that tough love? I appreciate it. Well, you'll see when you come out to open for the shows soon. I will. We can flip-flop. I can open some, You can go back.

I wear loafers. Oh. You want to flip-flop. You do it with another opening up. Can I say something to you? It just hit me right now. Yes, please. Don't hold back.

Hi. Wow. Is this the creepiest thing we've ever done together? Yeah, I think so. Oh, yeah, I think so. I was trying to think of there was another one we had done. No? I think this is it.

I'm digging it. Yeah. I'm digging it. Are you having fun? Yes. You can tell them having fun, can't you? Well, I feel like you're a little annoyed because I went with the tough love,

but I'm proud of it. I want you to think about it. I, I, it's all, it's in my head, ready to go. Because it's, everyone's entitled to their own image. I might stop off the way to the airport and shave my head. If you, if you were to get another hairdo, just hypothetically, what would it be?

Just hype. Have you ever thought of one? No. I don't think this. any other, what other, no, I've had the same wig for 80 years. And as part of your image, what else, what else could I possibly? I'm thinking like a clothed, like, puffed up, bright orange,

because you're carrot-top. Is that too much? Yeah. I think this whole thing is too much. Everything's too much. I think, I think, I think we're good. I'm glad we talked about it. How's my hair? Not good. What's wrong with it? See, that's everything.

I mean, what the problem is, that's the problem. You know, the people that give people shit for certain things. Whoa, whoa, whoa. There's shit and there's tough love. Remember, I love you. And I'm tough. But I have to, but I have. And I give tough love.

Suck my meat. I want you to suck my meat. That's how much I love you. And watch my hands, ready? Watch this. You're looking at this, but watch this. Hi. In your eyes.

So funny. That's so weird. Hi. I like our silent moments. There's a quiet energy going between us. Yes. Can we sit in that for a second and just let the audience interpret what we might be thinking? Is that okay?

Yeah. Okay, I'll just say start, and we'll just, and for as long as we feel it, we'll just be quiet together. And start. Hi. we couldn't hold it could we I couldn't I wonder what the audience what do you think the audience was thinking I was thinking that's the million dollar question they're thinking they could what the audience might have been thinking

you were thinking yeah audience might be thinking I was thinking right what do you think I was thinking I was thinking I was thinking I was thinking I was thinking why did I book this and I was thinking I hope this thing is fucking going to be over soon so we were both in the same we had the same kind of

well we are at the halfway halfway no I'm kidding we're almost at the end I'm not I'm fucking with you this is the most fun we have been that's what makes this fun

you've done shows and podcasts where this you have nothing to talk about we have well here's what we admitted there was nothing to talk about and we sat here in it for probably about 40 seconds. And I don't know how you feel.

I'd be willing to do a second one. I feel rich. I'd be willing to, I'd never, I would be willing to do a second moment of silence, see how long it lasted with you if you wanted to lead it off and say start this time. All right. Let's go. you're definitely thinking about me more than i can't can't love because at night when we do this way after we fight we do this yeah this is it's different after we fight because we sit out in the room out there

It's an awkward, quiet. This was not this awkward. It's loving, too. This is why I'm going to be. You could fence the loving. This is what? No, you go. No, this is I'm going to say.

You start. When we, yeah. No, you. Let me. I look. Hi. You. You just you?

He's going to love you. He just went, I, you. I know, I said, I love you. No, I said, I love you. And this is why when I'm your opening act. Look at that. You do, this is the joke. You put this on your nose, and then when the cop pulls you over.

Yeah. Yeah, see. You have that on your nose, and the cop pulls you over, you're like, driver's licensing, you go, yeah, and it looks like you've been doing blow. Oh, I thought you said the cop's going to walk up and said, sir, have you been sniffing babies? You said, you've been sniffing babies. Buddy, what a treat.

I want to bring us to our final segment here, as if it couldn't come. I've got baby powder of me, and you've got Cooslaw on your head. Well, I'm Coleslaw head. That's my new. I'm your new opening act. Oh, we're going to have this is the closing one. This isn't even a prop. Oh, it's not.

This is, I do this with every gas. That's your actual foot. No, this is, how dare you? I don't even know why I got mad. All you said is that your act? And I said, how dare you? That doesn't match. No, I'm an idiot.

I'm an old guy. Am I an idiot? Yes. Like on a scale of 10, how big an idiot am I? Was that a 10? No. I think it's a 10. What would you say?

Out of 10. Idiots a strong word, because I call people idiots and then when I love them. On a scale of one to 10. It's hard? Oh, you're a 10. Yeah. But you're not an idiot. You're a smart guy.

This is how it works, my guy. By the way, carrot top, folks, this is unreal. Such an honor. Thank you, buddy. We almost did it again. Wow. Now, what is this thing? So it's called Words from a Wooden Shoe.

There's random words in the shoe. You pick one out and see if it sparks a story from somewhere in your incredible journey, and you share it with my six viewers that we talked about. Okay. We've got Daryl Dumbleds down in Dallas. We've got Brian Buckelteeth in France. Nice. And in Bermuda, we talked about we have Sarah Slitlegs.

Nice. Nice. Yeah. Thank your sister's here. Oh, oh. All right. Let's pick a word. Yeah. Whoa, guy.

Bees in there. Pick a word and what do we got? What do we got? I can't even read without my glasses. Oh, do you want mine? These are prop glasses, by the way. I'm stood up for a date. Oh, here we go.

Hang on. Yep. I've never been set up for a date ever because you're a fucking... No, I don't go on dates I don't think I've ever been on a date where I... What are you talking about? No.

You never go on dates? Come on. It's word of God. Never been on a date. Never in my life. Are you a verge? No. Well, then you must have been on a date.

We'd go with friends, groups of people, but I never went on a date. Oh, so you just have sex with groups? of friends. Yeah, group sex. Not a day. Yeah, group sex. Okay.

But no, never been on day. I know, and to this day, never had a, I don't have a wife, kids, I have, uh... You've never met a girl and said, hey, why don't we go for dinner? Can I throw another one? Yeah.

You ever meet a girl and say, hey, uh, Carol, you want to go to a movie? Yeah. Or to a movie? With a girl. No, we know. I don't go places.

Uh, jeanice, would you like, to go for a walk no that's what's the day I guess walking the date I take my dog for a walk I say hey Frank

wanna go get our nuts waxed wait that's the date then huh your celery is still those are crackers your celery's still oh my god the crackers fell up it's just amazing it's amazing it's actually like

embedded in your head now well that's because I'm coleslaw head yeah you're forming into the actual well how about you. Wait, you know, we're not turning this around. It's hard for me to believe the guy with so much exposure to women and the public, you haven't been asked him to go on a date. Many, many times. Come on. No, I'm not a date guy. Everyone my friends would know. I just do the show and I go home. Are you, is there a term for that? Polly, Wants a Cracker? No, what is it, Polly.

Loser? Loner. on. No, I'm not... You're a handsome, like, whipped guy. But I don't, I don't do dates. Because you don't like it, or you just don't have the energy for it? I don't like dates. I've done with the show. I don't have time to go and do anything.

Am I not off? I'm not going to go anywhere. I go on my boat by myself. I go on my scooter by myself. I go to work, and I come home. Well, let me ask you this, because now I'm sensing a little loneliness. Nope. If I...

Well, yes. People always... Yes. No, no. I said, no. I sit at restaurants all the time by myself. People always walk up and say, you're always by yourself. You want some company? I'm like, no, I'm good. You seem sad. I'm like, I wasn't until now you're talking to me. I'm not sad. I was in a great mood. No, people that are by themselves, it can be a good thing. It can be peaceful and harmonious. That's you come up with a bumblebee, a gun, a BB gun. Let me ask you this. What's your type? What kind of woman do you like? Again, I'm attracted to many of them. So if I set you up with a beautiful woman on a date, would you go? Probably not.

Well, then how? Because I can get my own date if I wanted a date. I don't need you to find me a date. So in 30 years, you haven't been on a date. 60. You haven't been on one date. I don't think so. Come on.

I mean, like, even my, no, I never went to prom or all that crap. are you sad about it or are you fine with it look at me i'm a completely happy if one of my six well this you know this is more this is the most of a date i've been on you and me right now seriously we could be sat together we broke bread we drank tea we we we ate out of rubber vaginas and so this was a date i think it went well we'll get separate checks but i think it's it was good well let me throw one final hypothetical at you if you do you like that word by By the way, it's a big a, it's a big a game. It's a big a game. It's a big a game. It's a big word. It's a big word. I can use it. Sure. If one of my six or seven viewers, a beautiful girl, wrote in in the comments, I would like to take care of top out on a date. I would like to go on it. Would you go?

Well, I guess, I mean, now I'm being forced by, by, you know. Not forced, just asking. Would you be open to it? Like a court order. no no like like i just you won't have to eat at a food court you could take her anywhere you want it i wouldn't eat at the food court i'd go to a nice restaurant well you said a court order no i said court order not a food court order and you don't have to even order at a food court you know go up and get your own right uh but if if one of the they don't judge you there thank you yeah but they do give you a meal ticket if one of our lovely viewers let's say uh Sarah lumber crack down in Minnesota. And she

said, I would like to take care out on a date. Use the word date. Would you be open to it? Sure. You would. Yeah. Sure. We'll try it. I would love that. If anything comes out of this piece of shit, I mean this podcast.

I would love it if somehow we got you on a date and you enjoyed it. I got married. We had kids. Was that something you'd ever want? Married and kids? Yeah. Oh, yeah, today. Little baby carrots? Yeah.

The book would be realistic. Would you really do it? It has to be realistic, right? Would you get married? Yeah. Have kids? Yeah. Well, it's got to start with a date, my guy.

Yeah, I'm not getting married. I'm not having kids. But you want it? No. Oh, you don't want it? No. So then there's no reason to date. No reason to date.

But she could fly me in Minnesota and I could walk the Mall of America or do something without her. Yeah. Go to a baseball game. without her by myself by yourself without her can we give without her name or is that her name great without her's her name so she's like oh my god i've seen you without her and for so long you're like yeah right how is what how is she doing she's native american yeah how about you well you've got a whole thing you got you got you got all your posse women they're whole they just line up right i got i got i got a one I got a girlfriend designing

a kid's book. How about that? That started with a date and a fight. I'm not writing a fucking children's but for Garragone. She's she. What are you out of your fucking mind? Yeah. No, it's going to be good. He's doing the podcast. It's going to be great. Oh, I had to hold a BB gun to her head together

to do it. See how I brought my stuff back. I know. That's a good callback. Just get two Bs. Yeah. That's where it went wrong. I know. I love that you learned me on that. Well, now that we've said

hi, what do you got? We're at the end of the podcast, Kara Topp, and now we have to say the other side of pie, which is a butter bit going.

Oh, wow. Wow. There's a newbie. We could cook in here. We have powder. We have powder. We have a fucking butter. We have a I didn't think that was real butter. That's real butter.

Yeah, that's real butter. My act's real. Buddy, please tell the folks where they can see you, where they can date you. They can date me. They can tell your camera guy. I'm at the Luxor in Las Vegas every night, except Sundays. Pretty much six nights a week, eight o'clock show. And we'll be here on Harlan's Highway to check it out on Harlan's Highway.

and we're going to fix this mess. We're going to fix my hair. We're going to fix his hair. And we're going to find another bee. And then I'm going to go get my head shaved running the way to the airport. I'm excited to see what you do with it. And don't forget that's tough love.

I'm not insulting you. I'm not. It's tough love. Because no one else is telling you. So it's me. Because I care. Because I care. Because you can say it's tough love.

Yeah, I care. And they're like, that's. fucking bullshit, but no, in my stuff, love. Yeah. Buddy, folks, carrot top, go see them in Las Vegas. Buddy, thank you for being here.

Thanks for having me here. That's it for today, gang. Until next time, chicken chowmaine, baby. Kohl'slawhead. Out. Bye. Bye.

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