The Harland Highway - CELEBRITY COMMERCIALS, AND NOSE HAIRS, HELL YEAH!

Episode Date: January 23, 2012

We'll be talking about those things as well as your dogs breath, your arms and hands, dutch ovens, and sadly, Timmy the Campfire Kid drops by to sing some of his retarded songs. Bless my sisters mess!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Well, shiver me timbers and call me Uncle Bert. Uh, no meaning, but, uh, you know, isn't that how we always start? No meaning. Um, welcome everybody. Great to have you here, my friends. The pavement pounders here on the Harland Highway, internationally renowned podcast. Um, happy New Year. I know it's a little, uh, deep into the month, but, uh, still. We're just kind of getting going. And what a show we have for you today. And although you can hear my mouth talking, my hands are moving and my arms are moving.

And we're going to talk about why our hands and our arms feel the need to talk with us. How about dog breath? I don't mean you. I mean your dog. We are going to talk about clean dog breath. But here's something about you, your nose hairs. Oh, yeah. There's a deep, dark-rooted secret.

to nose hairs that is going to benefit all you gentlemen out there. Wait till you hear this little secret I reveal. And celebrities doing TV and radio commercials. How about it? Do you like it? Do you hate it? We're going to discuss. And then Dutch ovens.

Oh, have you ever had a Dutch oven? Enough to end a marriage, in my opinion. We'll discuss. And then lastly, somebody's dropping by that I don't like. You'll find out, stay here on the heart. Harland Highway! Welcome to the Harland Highway. Relax. Get ready to have fun.

What we've got here is failure to communicate. One cheeseburger with everything coming up. You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. Look at me, Damien. It's all for you. This is Harland Williams. I'm a human being. God damn it. Harland Williams here with you on the Harland Highway.

Are you dating? Are you married? Are you living with someone? Here's a little trick for you guys, man, huh? When you get in trouble with the girls. Sometimes you'll come home late or you won't do something they asked you to do. And you're busted. And you'll try and lie. And they'll figure you out, man. They figure you out. Are you kidding me? They can read you.

like an old Dr. Seuss book, you little liar. But here's a little trick you can pull when the lies and the schemes don't work and the lame-aff's excuses. The trick to get a girl to give you a little sympathy guys is you got to cry.

Oh, if you can shed the waterworks, if you can produce a tear, they'll just, it's like going to court and having them get rid of a ticket for you. They give you a free pass, but we don't know how to cry. We're guys. The only thing we can do to cry is like slam our heads in the car door or watch someone tear up our hockey cards or something.

But if you need instant tears, you're in the middle of a fight. Pretend to get mad and go. I got to step out of the room for a second. Okay, this is getting too heated. I got to step out of the room for a second. Go into the bathroom, grab some tweezers, and grab a handful of nose hairs. Ah, just get those tweezers

Right up your nose And rip them out Your eyes will start to water So quickly Instant tears Plucked nose hairs Equal instant tears Run back out into the living room

She starts up And furthermore You were late And then she sees the water The tears she's like Baby, are you crying? And you're like Yeah

Yeah, I'm really upset that we're fighting oh no baby don't cry i'm sorry i'm sorry so you're not mad at me that i was at hooters till three in the morning oh no baby no oh don't cry baby i'm so sorry did i do that and it's okay that the waitress from hooters is still in our bed and she can spend at least one more night oh yeah baby yeah you some chocolate brownies and do you want a full body massage while you're making love to the Hooters girl okay I guess so I guess that'll help it'll be a start maybe we could do it all week oh yeah baby just don't cry and it's all good till she goes into the bathroom and you're the idiot you forgot to hide the evidence there's a pair of tweezers on the counter with

nose hairs in them and she comes in and pulls you off of that hooter's waitress so fast you don't know what happened now you're really crying because you got her foot up your hello yeah well speaking of our bodies and things our bodies do um can someone tell me why when we talk our arms talk with us and our hands feel the need to join in. I don't see a mouth on my hands. I don't see a mouth on my arms. So why is it when people talk, their damn arms and hands have to get in on it?

You know what I'm talking about? Like, yes, I went over to the thing, and I saw Janice, and we went into the store, and all through your conversation, your arms and hands are animated, like you're talking to a deaf person, right? It's almost like you're putting on a mime show. Next time you're sitting with a buddy,

or even if you're on the phone to someone, talking, I bet you catch yourself with your arms moving. Even talking on the phone. Or if you're out at Starbucks with a friend, just watch them. Watch their arms and their hands moving around. And it's weird. It's like, why do we need to do that, you know? Other critters don't do that.

You don't see a cow mooing, right? He's like, ma-and he gets up on his hind legs and starts waving his hoofs around. Me, me, me, me, his udders don't start flapping around. But we do it. And some people really do it. I mean, some people, it's like you ever see those nature shows where the baby birds, you know, they've got these big clusters of birds on the side of a cliff or out in the middle of the Antarctic, all the birds like huddled together and nest in one giant area.

And you see the little babies. They're actually not that little, but the baby birds are like standing on the edge of the cliff, or they're standing on the nest, or they're standing on the nest, or they're standing on the tree and they haven't really learned to fly yet but they're starting to flap their wings and you see them go up in the air about two feet and they land and they're still flat

you know while I was saying that I just caught myself I was actually flapping my arms okay if that doesn't prove the point I looked down and I realize as I'm talking about this I'm actually flapping my arms

like a little bird trying to lift off there you go i just proved my point why do we do that why can't our arms and hands shut the hell up why do they got to get our legs don't get in on it you know you don't sit at starbucks and all a sudden you crank your legs up and your legs are kicking around and your feet are twirling around in circles your ears don't start flapping so hands and arms mind your own beeswax man next time you're watching a debate a political debate or someone on a talk show watch watch their arms and hands moving around and then imagine them like not talking okay if you could mute them and just watch their arms and hands you wouldn't know what the hell their arms and

hands are saying so chill out arms and hands wait a minute now my my hands moving again what's it doing? Okay, two middle fingers. All right, fine, fine. Be that way, loud mouth. There's two more middle fingers. Okay, well, as I just said well, I put my arm, my left arm up in the air, I'm not kidding. What does well and my arm going up in the air have to do with anything? I don't know. Now I'm sitting here consciously, conscientiously, not moving my arms and hands. And it feels weird. I'm aware that I'm suppressing their movement. And it feels weird.

I feel stiff. I feel uncomfortable. I might have to let them loose. But you'll never know it. But I will. There's the middle finger again. God! Anybody here have a little dog, a cute dog, or a big dog, a sled dog, a toy dog.

kind of dog. There is a product out there for dogs that we do not need. See if you're on board with me with this one, people, find citizens of radio world. I was in the pet store the other day. There was a doggy bone treat, a milkbone or other various brands of dog treats. And I'm not kidding, this thing was advertising that it put mint in the dog. dog bone, the chewable, edible dog bone, so that your dog could have minty fresh breath. Like as if, you know, your dog's going to a function somewhere, a black tie affair. I say, you look dashing tonight, Rovo. What is that outfit you're wearing? Oh, I say, just smashing at your breath.

Oh, if I wasn't an English diplomat, I'd bend you. over and start making out with you, old boy. Yes, that's right, right here in front of everybody. I don't care, I'll do it. You just smell delicious. I mean, come on, people. We're talking about giving breath protection to a creature that wipes its butt with its mouth. Okay, I'm sorry.

I don't mean to be graphic. I don't mean to be rude. It's a fact of life. Dogs and cats. Wipe their butts with their tongues. You could shove a big gulp of listering down that dog's throat. I don't care. You wipe your butt with your tongue.

You're going to have butt mouth for at least a couple of days. Don't calm me with your minty fresh dog treats. All dogs have butt mouth. And that's why we love to have our dogs lick our little face. good dog good dog yeah lick my face with that butt mouth um and uh let me ask you this is a celebrity a dog you know not a dog dog dog but kind of a hound kind of a low life crawling dog if they do commercials that every friggin' actor is now doing commercials.

I mean, Ashton Coutcher's doing the camera commercials. Robert Downey Jr. is doing, like, you know, voices for the Planters Peanut Guy. You know, the Kardashians are doing commercials. You know, everyone's doing a voiceover. Everyone's showing up in commercials. It's crazy. I remember there was a time when when you did a commercial and it was taboo if you're a

celeb that was just like saying hey you know what my career's over man my career's over give me that diary a commercial I got nothing going on give me that diary a commercial I'll take it right and there's a lot of a lot of celebrities doing commercials a lot of the women doing commercials for um hair products and you know J-Lo does one for some stupid little car that I'm sure she would never drive in her life it looks like a smart car right she's jumping around and dancing and everything

trying to distract you from looking at the actual product it's like hey look at me wiggle my moneymaker but try not to look at the car I'm trying to sell you it's not very attractive right and uh the women are doing the fragrance commercials. Nicole Kidman, Chanel number five. Maybe she could get some kind of lotion to bring her eyes closer together. Hello. And, you know, it used to be a time on a celebrity.

They would only do commercials if they played in, you know, non-American markets. You know, like Jennifer Aniston and people like that. They used to, yeah, you can play my. commercial in Japan you can play it in greenland you can play it in australia you can play it in paris or uh the philippines or easter island but don't play it here in the u s of a which is weird because you know that's probably where you can make a lot of money national commercial running all year that's some good sweet money right there but with these celebs they probably get uh you know, they probably get a few million right up front anyhow.

But my point is it's getting less and less taboo, and it's almost to the point where every celebrity is doing a commercial. Am I doing a commercial? Maybe. Maybe you're going to see something in the near future with yours truly. I don't know. Is that a hint? Maybe.

I don't know. Why would I stoop so low? Maybe I would. But if there was a commercial that was cool and I liked it or it was worth, no, I shouldn't say that. I was going to say or if it was worth a few million dollars, I'd do it. But, you know, that's a dilemma. Put yourself in a celebrity shoes. Okay?

You know, you could make a half a million dollars, a million dollars doing a movie that takes four months. And then some guy from Pepsi or Pepto-Bismol. or X-Lax or McDonald's walks up, she and says, hey, how would you like to make 4 or 5 mil for a 30-second commercial or a one-minute commercial? And you're like, well, I'm shooting a movie for 500,000 over in Alaska for four months. Oh, okay, yay.

You do the math, buddy. Wait a minute, come back. I love McDonald's. Come back, come back. So it's weird. It's hard. But is it a good thing or a bad thing that celebs are doing commercials? Does it diminish their star power?

Does it make them seem too ordinary, too regular? Does it take anything off of your like for them? Big question here. Give me a call 888-52090 and let me know what you think of celebrities doing commercial. At planners, we know how to throw a remarkable holiday party, just serve classy snacks, and be a gracious host, no matter who shows out. Richard, didn't think you were going to make it. Hey, sorry about last week. I don't know what got into me. Yeah, well, forgive and forget, kind of.

I don't think so. Do you like nuts? Do you so-and-so take so-and-so to be your lawful wedded wife? I do. Yes, absolutely. She looks delicious. And do you so-and-so take so-and-so to be a lawful wedded husband? Yes, I absolutely do. He looks fantastilish. Oh, marriage. Marriage, marriage, marriage, marriage, and then, for some of us, divorce, divorce, divorce. Oh, there's so many reasons to get married, but it seems like there's so many reasons to get divorced.

I think there's only one real reason to get divorced, and I learned this from a buddy of mine. My buddy does a thing to his wife at night when they're in bed and turn your radio off if you're faint of heart. But he does a little thing, and I don't know if it really comes from the Netherlands or not, but he calls it a Dutch oven. okay for those of you that don't know what a Dutch oven is it's not a guy in a chef's costume and wooden clogs baking pies a Dutch oven is when you're laying in bed

with your loved one and you're just about to turn out the lights and the man farts under the sheets under the down he lets one rip and then

Because he loves you so much, he's just so goo-go-go-gag-a-over you. He pulls the covers up over your head, encasing you in his gases. You're basically at that point in a bamboo steamer. All the nutrients will be cooked out of your body, and you will eventually pass out in his nauseous, obnoxious gases. And my buddy told me about this, so I confronted his wife, and she just giggled. She's like, oh, yeah, he does the Dutch oven to me. It's his little way of show, and he loves me.

He gives me the old Dutchie at night. I'm like, are you insane? If ever there was grounds for divorce, it's right there. I'd be out the door. You could cheat on me. You could spend all my money. But you dutch of me, boy, Oh, it's over.

That is disgusting. I'm going to divorce my friend and his wife just because they do it to each other. I know that's not even really anything legal, but I'm divorcing them because they make me sick. Keep your head above the covers, people, where the air is clean on the Harland Highway. Okay, well, let's get down to the last story.

of the show here because this one is uh is a real dilly i mean you're not going to hear this anywhere else but right here um what happened is when i was uh hold on roger is there someone here i don't have it come in come in hi how are you oh god what's the matter with you what are you doing here kid i'm here to sing campfire songs oh far crying out roger why didn't you tell me this dick was this kid was coming in i heard that well what come on kid you come in here and you sing your dopy campfire songs just because your uncle or your dad works here yeah what about it what what are you some kind of pleasure dome what does that mean you know what it means what what pleasure

dome you know it guy oh brother now i'm here to sing my campfire songs and you better let me do it or you're gonna hear the bells ringing what bells ringing you know oh for god so hurry up then roger unbelievable i tell you every time i don't want this campfire kid in here my name's timmy okay timmy say it nice That wasn't nice. Timmy. That was better. Hurry up. Quit bugging me, kid. Just because you don't like to go campfiring. That's not even a word, campfiring.

Well, if you're in a campfire, yeah. And you're ing. I'm what? You're ing! I'm ing? Yeah. Okay. What do you got?

I don't know. Camp firing dumbass Get on with it Idiot Up yours Hurry up and sing your first Gopi What you're my what

Your gopy dopy song You said goopy You're making up words Because you're stupid Hurry up Okay This first one's called Let's all sing around

The Pine Tree Bush A pine tree bush That's right Before a pine tree becomes a tree It's a bush No, it's not, it's a little tree No, it's not, it's a bush Just like between your wife's legs

What do you, hurry up Oh, the pine tree, pine tree grows in the forest In the forest The owls love to land On the pine tree Oh little pine tree One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight Pye high-eyed, fine tree, drop to pine cone.

You've got to be kidding me. That was the dopiest song I've ever heard. I'll go suck a canoe. Watch your mouth, kid. Up yours. Do your other song and how many do you have? I have three ass. Do your other one and get out of here.

This one's about baby animals. Good, you're a baby animal. And you're a Chinese roasted fucknob. Stop swear, you can't swear, on my podcast, kid. Fucknob. Get, hurry up! Oh, squirly, whirly, squirrely, squirrely, swirly whirl. Here goes a baby dear, funny oney-won.

There goes a bear come. Comey, wappy, wabi, wavy. Little tiny animals. Running in the forest All right Great I never want to see nature again Thanks to you

Why don't you go see your wife's Harry Bush I don't even have a wife Cut it out Do your last song and get out of here Up yours Yep Hurry up Roger

What quit calling Roger What are you gay Hurry up and do your thing All right this is my last campfire song. Good. Up yours sideways. Do it! I'm doing it! Stop pushing me around, eggnog ass. Eggnog ass, huh? That's right, look at your ass. It's shaped like a broken down eggnog stand. Hurry up! Up yours! Here it is! Good, do it! Sex is natural, sex is fun, sex is best when it's, guess what?

What? One on one. Oh, come on, kid. Oh, you say you want love, you say you never know, you say you're going to do it, you better let it all go, I want your sex. Oh, I want your sex. Oh, oh, oh, I want your sex. Huh. Huh.

Ha! Stop doing that, kid. Ha! I want your sex. Sex is natural. Sex is fun. Sex. Not everybody does it, but sex is best when it's...

Guess when? What? Get out of here. One on one! I want your sick. Get out of here. Come on. Get the hell out of here.

You're like a six-demented pervert. Sex is natural. Sex is fun. I want you have sex with me. I want you to have sex. Get out of here. Have sex with me. Get out, you pig.

Sex with cuck-c-c-c-c. Get out! Upyards! Come on! Wow. Could there be a bigger idiot? Honestly, Roger, please. I'm almost about to get on my knees and beg you to stop sending me that kid.

Okay? Unbelievable. Timmy the Campfire Kid. Middle of winter, and he's all year long, just wants to sing his dopey campfire songs, and someone at this podcast, it's their kid, and if I don't do it, I'm never going to hear the end of it.

They'll probably make me have to sit down with Dr. Ascot for 20 years. God. My apologies to everyone, Even George Michael. I want your sex. Not everybody does it, but everyone should. My God. It's best one.

It's one on one. Get out of here! Idiot. All right, well, let's get to some real good news here. We are back up on Stitcher Radio. Okay, there was a bit of a miscommunication between the folks at Stitcher and the Powers the Bee here at the Harland Highway. And everything's sorted out,

and I'm happy to announce back up on Stitcher. And even if you don't listen on Stitcher, maybe you just download and listen through your computer, your MP player, or whatever, remember that Stitcher is a app for your phone. And, you know, if you don't happen to have your other apparatus with you, you always have your cell phone. So even if you've already got the Harlan Highway downloaded somewhere else,

go to Stitcher, I believe it's free, and you can download the highway to your phone and listen wherever you may be while you're driving, while you're walking, while you're talking to your mother on the phone, just play the Harlan Highway so it drowns out your mother. I know, that's mean, but that's the way it is, man. So that's exciting. And don't forget, coming up on January 26th through the 29th, yours truly, will be in West Palm Beach.

And that's tonight. My first show is tonight at the West Palm Beach Improv in Florida. It's going to be a great time. And it's going to be a double show. It's going to be stand-up. And then after the stand-ups over, we're going to throw in some improv comedy, some sketch comedy. So it's kind of like a double show for the price of one. I'm going to be doing some sketch comedy with my opening act, Sean Tweedley.

And we have a riot doing that. So taking suggestions from the crowd and acting out little scenes and you never know quite what's going to happen. So get your tickets online at improv.com. or, you know, do whatever you got to do, but make sure you're there. We always have a great time in West Palm Beach, Florida, at the improv. This Thursday through Sunday, the 26th to the 29th, don't forget to check out our store at Harlan Williams.com because that's where we have all the goodies

and we've lowered the prices on everything drastically so that you can start to help. have your chuckles through this horrible economy and that's the way we roll here at the highway and don't forget Stitcher tune into Stitcher and then the phone

number here 888-52090 if you want to leave a message or if you want to write to me that's harlandwilliams.com and next show I'm going to have an update for you on the Honey Badger situation that I teased you with earlier

about a month ago there's been a big announcement and I'm going to fill you in on the next podcast about what I'm doing with the Honey Badger viral video internet sensation so tune in for that show

it's going to be exciting and that's it man that's all we got today I want to thank my friend Jeff Fox who is coming on board he helped put together the Stitcher reunion he's a wonderful gentleman who's going to be assisting with the highway and so we want to welcome jeff aboard and all good things we're just trying to make it bigger and better for you in

this new year tell your friends to get on the highway or they're losers and that's it everybody thanks for joining in sorry about the campfire songs and until next time chicken chow ma'am baby Oh, Kick you, Come on!