The Harland Highway - CHRIS DISTEFANO - We discuss Chris's fascinating roots, physical therapy, and his love for FEET!

Episode Date: February 25, 2025

This episode is sponsored by HIMS Start your free online visit today at Hims.com/HARLAND Thanks for watching the Harland Highway. More Harland Williams: Harland Highway Podcast Video: https://www.youtube.com/c/HarlandHighwayPodcast Harland Highway Podcast Audio: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-harland-highway/id321980603 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/harlandwilliams Harbling Shirts: https://www.harbling.com Official Website: https://www.harlandwilliams.com Twitter :https://twitter.com/harlandhighway?lang=en More Chris Distefano: Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chrisdcomedy/?hl=en Website:https://www.chrisdcomedy.com/ #podcast #harlandwilliams Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hi, I'm Danny L'Priori. Ever get the feeling you're being watched online? It's not paranoia. It's data brokers. These companies collect your personal information, including your browsing habits, where you live, and even who you're related to, and they sell it to the highest bidder. That's where ORA comes in. ORA automatically removes your personal info from data broker sites and keeps it off. It also monitors the dark web, safeguards your device.

devices, alerts you to real-time threats, and more. Start your free trial at ora.com slash control. That's a-U-R-A-com slash control for your free trial. And they pick me for February for Black History Month. Oh, are you black? Yes. Oh, wow. Okay.

I was wondering about that. They picked me for Black History Month, and it's a real huge honor. It's to be part of the 12, but I'm the one who, and I think that that's fair and that makes sense. Player, please. Player. That's what I'm saying. Player, please.

Yeah. Now, how long have you been black? I got it done in 2019. Where did you go? Because I know a lot of guys go to Turkey to get the hair plugs done. Where did you go to get the black? Cleveland. You're riding down the Harland Highway.

All right, hold tight on the Harland Highway Show. Harland Williams. oh wow buddy we're having fun this is the longest i've ever taken to get settled in why do you think it is i don't know it's probably just the energy coming off of you and me is it too much you think i think it's not enough got it is what i think but it's making everything just but it's good it's like that nervous good like yeah i like to wear my headphones on my cheeks yeah like Frankenstein. Yeah, I like to, because for me, it's like the ear.

I just like to have it on my, on my face, not necessarily my ears. Oh, yeah, and you've got a beautiful head of hair, too. You like that? It's sort of like Greek God type of vibe. It's real, too, man. Is it? Let's see if mine is. Oh, sick, dude.

Yours is real. Mine's real. What do you put in yours? SARS? Yeah. Sick, dude. The disease. Yeah.

I just strive of a test tubes of it, and I just sprinkle it. I got it in. SARS. I love it, man. I SARS it up in the morning. I love it. Yeah. Have you ever had SARS?

Uh, yeah. How many times? I had SARS. When did I have SARS? What's today? Oh, boy. Tuesday. I had SARS.

Ninety-7 I had SARS. Wow. Yeah, dude. It was crazy. Do you know you got it? I got it. I got that 97. Let's see.

It was 13. Yeah. I got, I got SARS. Um, I got SARS from a bodega. I was having sex. with a guy in a bodega. Oh, with a guy? Yeah.

Who, Steve? No, no, no, no. This is Jose. Whoa. Yeah, dude. It's, it's, you know, when I was a little kid, I was, I was gay, but I'm not anymore now. How'd you get rid of it? I just, um, well, to be honest with you, I got rid of it.

I just, uh, kind of kept praying. I kind of kept praying. And I kept, I was told it if I just keep swallowing my spit. Yeah. So I would just swallow my spit. And then all of a sudden. and it just kept pushing it down, pushing it down. I must have farted it out.

Wow. You know what? I used off. Deep Woods off. Oh, sick. And it came off? That's amazing, dude. Yeah, I was only gay for about three days.

But in Canada, though, how does it work when you're Canadian? Are you born gay, like, officially? Yeah. And then they make a decision if you want it or not, but automatically you aren't born gay if you're Canadian. You're born. All Canadians are born gay. And then you go to the ministry of gay.

Right. And then you decide then, if you'd like, hey, I'd like to stay gay for a year, two years, my whole life. Right. You have to get a license. Yes. And so it's very different. Kind of like the health care system.

Yes. Different. And it's free to be gay in Canada, too. That's what I like about being a Canadian gay. The type of gay they have in Canada is it's free. It's free. Here, it costs, it's a tax burden. It costs a lot.

It costs a lot here. Drink and recess. Get me in the mood. Oh, yeah. I don't know if it's a sponsor, but I'm getting a buzz. I don't care. Let it be a sponsor. Watch this. Wonderbread.

Today's episode brought to you by Delicious Wonderbread, the Harlan Highway podcast. I'll make whoever I want a sponsor. That's it, baby. Wonderbread, that's the bread in the hood, baby. Oh, wait. I've just changed sponsors. Today's episode brought to you by Pepperidge Farm, because Pepperidge Farm remembers. I'll love whoever I want.

Dude, that's what I like about you. You go with the flow. You'll promote cinnamon toast crunch. Fruit Loops shirt. Doesn't matter you. Yeah. Want to see me do it? 100%. Today's episode of the Harland Highway podcast brought to you by Cinnamon Toast Crunch. P.S. Fuck you, fruit loops. Love it. And then watch this. Bing! Oh, sick, dude. Right? Rice Krispies are for the Nazis. Yeah. By the way, do you know that's how my parents cured my bad wedding? How? They stuffed my mattress full of Rice Krispies. Really? And when you wake up in the

middle of the night to that snapcrackle pop as a child. I love it. It's horrifying. I love it. How did you cure your bed wedding? Do you still do it? I still do it a little bit, but my mom, my mom, what she would do is she would just make me wear a whole bunch of pants.

So I had to just wear, she would make me wear my school uniform pants. And then I'd put pants over those pants, another pair over those pants. And what I would do is when I'd piss the bed, the sheets wouldn't get wet, but my school pants would get wet. She would make me go to school. with my wet pissy pants and then she wouldn't and then she she that's how I learned to stop pissing that's called layering layering yeah right how many pairs of pants in a night would you have on it depends I mean it if you know if the Knicks lost I would go through five or six right that's what it is

it really depended on them and then what I happened was is I stopped pissing in my pants so much but I still had to piss somewhere other than the toilet so I used to piss in my mother's shoes before she went to work what kind of shoes she would wear um nine west pumps oh so the urine's sat at an angle. Oh, that's when you get mosquito larva. Yes, and I'd listen to her feet go, and then she'd go, Christopher, did you pee in my shoes again?

And I say, no, mom, no. Oh, she did the pissy squishy walk. Yeah, I would have, I would like to, they used to call me Chrissy Pissy Pants. Wow. And some people still do, they call me Chrissy Pissy. I'd love to if you don't mind. Can I give it a shot?

Go ahead. How you doing, Chrissy Pants? Wow. The CPP. Feels good. You know me. CPP. You know me.

I used to pissing that. And then I used to, I was famous for going to house parties and I'd shit in like the hamper. Like a power log? Right. So what I do is I would take half the clothes out. Like say you invited me over your house, I take half the clothes out of the hamper. So there's still some clothes. Then I'd shit in the hamper and put the clothes back on.

So it'd be like right in the middle there and you wouldn't find out until a couple of days later. And then you don't, you can't attach it to anyone, but they knew it was me. You know what that's called, though? That's called a Ross Dress for Less Dutch Steamer. That's what it is. Oh, dude. Yeah, shout out Ross is dressed for less. Yeah.

That's where I'm doing the Jimmy Kimmel show tomorrow. That's where I got my outfit. Oh, really? Ross dressed for less, yeah. I went over there about three weeks ago and I put on a garbage bag. Yeah. Because that's like the lowest they have. Right.

You know, you can go up higher to the polyester whatever, but yeah. The garbage bags are nice. They are very, very nice. I love the way you said Christopher. Because you know, by the way, Chris DeFonestaniano. 100%. How do you say it? That's accurate.

Is it DeFonste? It's DeStefalopolo. It's Chris, it's Chris DeStefano, but you could say, you could just call me Chris Hitler. Really? Yes. Can I try it? Go ahead. How's it going, Chris Hitler?

Right? Dude. And it's got nothing to do with, you know, the other Hitler. It's just that's my mom's maiden name. So we've been here four minutes, and I've been able to call you two different names, Chrissy Pissy Pants. And Chris Hitler. Chris, holy God. Yeah.

And it's got nothing. Nothing to do with any of that other shit. With the Third Reich? Nothing to do with that at all. Just that's the maiden name. It had nothing to do with an insane madman trying to have world domination. Zero. Really?

Just a complete flu coincidence. Flu coincidence. Fluic coincidence. And I used to wear pants stuffed into big tall boots and a button down shirt. And I had all these things on me. And I used to wear a hat and black gloves. And I walked around with a stick. Wow.

But it was just like kind of how my feet. family used to dress. Chris, I mean, I've been on this planet for a number of years. We don't need to say my age. They know. Yeah. But you're the second Hitler I've known in my whole life. Really? There was a guy named Adolf Hitler in Germany, world dominator, menace to society, evil personified. Yes. And now you. Is he from Ridgewood, Queens, too? I think he's from Bakersfield, actually. He's from Bakersfield. He started in Bakersfield, went on vacation to Germany. he loved it to death. Right.

I never left. I never left. It's interesting. Yeah. Wow. So, but yeah, but so it's Chris Ostefanoe, a.k. Chris Estolopoulos, a.k.a. Wow.

And I'm a comedian from Ridgewood, Queens, New York. Hit. 11385. That's the postal cone. Oh, hit. Hit. It's also a tattoo number, isn't it? Yes.

Well, I do. I have my, I have my neighborhood tattooed on my arm in the year I was born. It says established in 1984. Right. Probably. That's maybe where you got the idea. idea for those funny number tattoos they hit yes yes wow dude oh hit this is crazy can i call you hit is that 100% or should i call you lure like what's your what's your nickname i like hit yeah well i said

i want to get into the movies maybe this is the way yeah you write the movie for me and we call chris hitler you want me to write you a movie yeah you got kind of movie idle looks yeah i think you'd be good as a leading man well the problem is yeah and a casting director really said this to me because I'm not, you know, my body kind of falls apart when I take my shirt off. And he said, you know what your problem is while you'll never get cast? I said, why? He said, you have leading man face, best friend body. Yeah.

So unfortunately, I'm just in the middle. And I'm for no one. But look what Brendan Fraser did for Georgia the jungle. I mean, that guy went from son of flubber to like Fabio's lover. Yeah, I know. He'd cut and chopped. Look what Harrison Ford did for Temple of Doom. He had man boobs.

Right. Like he had borderline Dolly Parton Fun Flaps. I like Brendan Frazier in the Whale. That's the sexist Brendan to me. I like that because I like a big fat ass. Yeah. So I like a big fat Puerto Rican ass. And Brendan Frazier from the whale,

he had a nice big fat Puerto Rican ass. If he had a tattoo of a butterfly in his ass cheeks, I would have fucking went downtown. Really? You would have munched? If I'm, if you're a woman out there and you don't have a tattoo, on your titty or your ass cheek, I'm not interested.

Really? That's how I roll. I was with a girl once who had a butterfly just flying over the valley. I don't know, like over the field. Like an actual butterfly or tattoo? It was a tattoo of a monarch when it was right over the field. Love that. Yeah.

Love that. Wow. She has you have nice big balls. Let's, uh, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Harlan Highway podcast. Chris DeFestano is here. 100%. a.k.a. the hit, aka pussy, pussie. Pissy pants. You know, it's funny because I texted you

earlier today. And I said, hey, man, we're still on for today. And I wrote Chris and my auto correct wrote Christine. And I wrote back. I said, oh, sorry, autocorrected. Then you wrote back and said, no, I really love it. I loved it. You loved the name Christine. I love Christine, I have actually changed my name and my own phone to Christine DiStefano. Wow. Yes. It's funny because, you know, in today's world, right, you throw that off as a gag, a goof, a ha, ha, ha, a giggle, a chuckledy chuck, whatever you want to call it.

But then you look at the world we live in where our phones are listening to us. Sure. Our phones are interacting with us. If we say, if we talk out loud about couches, chances are me and you are going to get advertisement for couches later. And so as much as we fluffed it off, Chris is a giggledy gig, ha ha ha ha, chuckledy chuck to giggledy giggle. Right.

Chuck, chuck to higgledy, chuck, diggilly wiggledy, digglety, digelty diggle. Part of me went, does the phone know something that I don't? And wanted me to really dig a bit deeper and say, are you a girl? Yes. Okay. Yes. How did your phone know? It knew.

It just knows because my phone. phone my phone knows my phone knows that i want a pussy that's what my phone knows it knows that because i've said it so many times in conversations i've wanted to doctor's offices and had so many visits about getting it for me so it must have known that just like i know we're messing around with the hiller stuff but now what i i bet you if i check my phone i'm going to have an ad for those knee conier shirts oh yeah yeah yeah they'll send it because they think because they think that i'm talking about that, but I'm honestly just talking about it's a family name. My mother's made a name, Hitler. Oh, wow. And I'm just Chris Hitler. Yeah. Did your mother have the little mustache too?

It was just a family, but it's not, it has nothing to do. It's just how she was born. Yeah. That's all it was. When you're born a Hitler, you almost have to have the mustache. A hundred percent. You come out with three things, umbilical cord, placenta, and a little stash. That's it. And don't get mistaken that it's Charlie Chaplin because it's not. It ain't there in the name. It's my mom, Mrs. Hitler. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. Did she know the German Hitler from Bakersfield?

She told me she found out about him when everyone else found about him in the 80s. She's learned about him about the late 80s. Have you ever done Ancestry.com and seen if he's like a weird nutty, the nutty uncle or anything? No, no, but my whole bloodline is from Austria. Wow. So, but it's, which is, you know, it's a coincidence that so was he. But the whole bloodline is from Austria and my mom loves painting. Wow.

Yeah. now the real hit was a forgerer wasn't he the real hit was a forger yeah forger yeah which i've learned about him recently because it because it's you know people i've been saying like oh shit like are you possibly related i said no of course not yeah but i did a digging and yeah yeah he uh he was a he forged paintings he was a vegetarian he was which so am i but wait wait hold on hey time out uh hit yep back then the when the whole hitler thing in germany went down what year? What was World War II? They started in 1938 and ended in 1945.

So back then was the term vegetarian even a term? Did anyone do that bullshit? I mean that stuff? I think that I don't, yeah, I don't know what they call it, maybe they call it cum-guzzling back then. I don't know. That's possible. Is that plant protein based?

Yes. Well, it's keto. That's what a lot of people don't understand is they'll say, Chris, like you're, you know, you guzzle come or make. jokes about that. It's not funny. It's Bukaki by guys. It's not funny. And I say it's not about funny. It's about health. That's keto. That's protein. Keto. Show me where the bread and fat, it's protein. Yeah. 100%. Keto. I love the Green Hornet. Did you ever watch that when you were a kid? Yes. Keto is great. Seth, uh, Rogan.

No thanks. I'm busy. Yeah. I mean, right. I want to say yes, but guy, I'm busy. I'm doing a podcast. Dude. I don't have time for Seth Rogen. Why would you offer that up to me? I just thought maybe you guys wanted to hang out. I know him personally. I actually have him, I have him in the car. Okay. He drove me here. Reese Witherspoon to you. Ooh, I love Reese Witherspoon. You want some? Legally blonde. No thanks. I'm busy.

Who are these guys now? You haven't introduced these guys? Oh, these are, this is, uh, and this is a, and this is a, Oh, yeah. I thought that looked like Bobby Lee. Oh, yeah. I thought it was Bobby Lee. Without his sponge fisherman hat. Has he ever been on the show?

He was here three guests ago. Wow. Yeah, so that seat might still have some onion rings on it. Might still have some kimchi in it. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Hey, everybody, looking for a little boost in the bedroom. You know, the bedroom where all the fun happens.

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See website for details and important safety information. Subscription required. Prices vary based on product. subscription plan so let's go hymns hymns hymns hymns for him and her and everyone hymns.com let's go have some fun um so we got the christine but have you ever been called like you said christopher earlier yes my cousin is chris and i don't know if you ever had this but i used to call cousin Chris on the phone and I would just go

Chris Christopher Christopher Christopher did you ever have that yes what yes get out I I what Chris

they would go they would go some people would say Christopher they would always get the same call my mom or somebody would call me they go Christopher Christopher Christopher And I'd say, who is this? And they'd say, you know who it is, you a little homo.

Whoa. And then they say, now you do your homework and then you're piss on my feet. Christopher. This is your mother. And then, yeah, she would make me do it. I'd have to pee on her feet. But then I'd get chicken cutlets. Can I say it?

Sure. Your mother's a real character. She's crazy, right? What a nut. Good lady, Catholic, red hair. Well, yeah, because you alluded that you wore. like dress clothes to school. So that makes me put the pieces together.

Yeah. Did you go to Catholic school? Catholic school, shout out St. Matthias, Ridgewood, Queens. St. Matthias was the apostle. When Judas killed himself, they had a backup apostle, and Matthias was the sub. He subbed in. What?

Who killed himself? Judas, when he got killed or he killed or he killed himself because he ratted out Jesus. That's the one that the disciple that ratted out Jesus. Yes, and then Matthias stepped in for him. So that's who St. Matthias is. Matthias stepped up, as a lot of you guys should do, you should step up for everyone.

One of you will lie to me, one of you will deceive me. Yeah. From the musical Jesus Christ Superstar. Amazing. I know a lot of Catholic school songs. This, here was another one. Were you there when they crucified my Lord? Oh, sometimes it calls.

Causes me to tremble, tremble, tremble. Were you there when they nailed him to the tree? Oh, sometimes it causes me to tremble, tremble, tremble. Did you go to Our Lady of Parkinson's? Yes. Okay, yeah, the tremble song. The tremble, yeah. And everyone would just be shaking and drool.

Yeah, that's a good song, though, right? Well, here's one of the hymns I remember, and this was one of the ones. I think it was Matthew Palm 47 phase three. Yes, I know this one. Yeah. Sex is natural. Sex is fun. Sex is best when it's one on one.

I want your sex. Yes. I want your sex. Remember that one? Yes. That was the fourth apostle, George Michael. Yes. My sister Bernadette owes to sing that.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, she was crazy, man. Oh, God, well, you got a faith. She would put, and this is in the 90s, she would put N95 masks on years before COVID. When anybody who was Asian was walking around the school, she'd throw one on. Why? I think because she knew, I think, I don't know why, but she would do that. Well, you know what's interesting you say that because this always stuck out to be long before COVID.

I don't know. Allegedly COVID. Allegedly COVID, yes. For whatever reason, long before allegedly COVID, I would notice that Asian people, not all of them, but more than normal would be walking around airports with the masks way before COVID was even existed. Right. And I would always see that and go, what do they know that we don't know? Right.

What was that, Christopher? I don't know. I think that because they got SARS, which obviously your hair. product than the bird flu and that and so i think that they just said i think they're just a little you know how like we're ahead like we're always ahead in the movies yeah comedy and music they're ahead with pandemics so they've gotten the other big ones where we haven't gotten them yet so they just know to wear the masks and do that but yeah my grandpa used to you know my neighborhood my grandpa and i believe this and you know obviously i know now it's not true and i'm ashamed about it but i'm not gonna lie here

on the Harlan Harlan's Highway podcast. I'm going to be 100% truthful. But my grandfather told me that actually it was okay. It was like an actual U.S. like rule that when it was above 95 degrees, you were allowed to hit Chinese people with your car. Oh, run over them? Well, not run over them, but you could hit them. If it was over 95 degrees because everyone was angry because it was hot out,

so you could hit them. And that was just kind of when they came here, they were just, they've accepted that. Oh, really? Yeah. And he said that you would get, if you hit a Hasidic Jewish person, you would get points, like from the IRS. they would take money off your taxes.

And I believe that, but he was joking around, but I didn't know that until I was in my early 30s. But now, you know, I'm obviously here on the show. You invited me on to, I'm apologizing for that, for the people I heard. But it was just my grandpa lied to me. I don't think you have to apologize. When you're an impressionable kid and your father says,

hey, son, someday you're going to be able, when you're 16, you get your license, go out, have that or at the Asians, knock a few into a tree, smash a few over a wall, grind a few right into the cobblestone. That's not on you. That's on granddad psycho or whatever's name.

Yeah. That's exactly how I met Bobby Lee. With the first time I ever met him in New York, it was just random. I hit him. And I hit him. It was 96 and I went six points and sped away. And he was like, what?

Yeah. And then I was like, oh, shit, you're the guy for Mad TV. I'm sorry. And then I took him in the hospital and everything. We became friends since then. Oh, God. And then it was between me and Santino, who was going to get bad friends. No way.

Santino got it. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Jesus. And you're the one with the movie Idol looks, not Santino. He's got red hair, that fucker. He looks like a demented Viking. Like, if they did the deliverance. Yes. With Vikings, Santino would be the banjo guy. 100%. Yeah. I agree. Or the fluegel horn or something. Like, didn't they blow like a Rams horn or something? Yes. Yeah. I could see, I could see Santina. You know, like doing that toll deliverance, yeah. 100%.

But now it's worth 10 sticks. Red-headed Dementoid. Yeah. Speaking of cars and, and I want you to watch this, because I don't know if you're on other podcasts or you do your own, but I want you to watch how daddy dances. I want you to watch how daddy blend pops. Okay.

So we're going to go now and you're going to learn something here. Sure. We're going to go from, we started with your name, was Christine. Sure. And then we segued into cars and hitting things. Now, watch his daddy blends the two together. And I go, what's your favorite Stephen King movie or book? And in particular, the one Christine.

If you want to sit and absorb just what I did right there. It's pretty wild. Like I took your name and I took a car and I took, because Stephen King did a book and a movie called Christine. Yes. And just so they're aware, I blended them. Yes. If you need a minute before you answer just to absorb what I did.

And Stefano, to Stefano is Stephen in Italian. That's more stuff that you did. See what I did? I would say the only Stephen King movie I know is the Punisher. So that's my favorite one. That's not his. Yeah. Guy, it's not his.

Oh, shit. Yeah. Fuffed guy. Fuck. It's got to be tough. When you see Daddy do the merge melt. And then you come back with a completely wrong answer. What did he do?

That's a double reverse flap slip. Shit. Dude. Babe. The movie Babe. The one with the pig. Yes. Yeah, that was King.

That was Stephen King. Dumber. No. You're in that one. Yeah, but let's not go past. Babe. That was one of the most scariest movies I've ever seen. Speaking of Dumb and Dumber, I'm sorry to cut you up.

When I told you I used to piss on my mother's feet. Yeah. When that movie came out, I used to have to piss in not beer bottles like you drank. She would drink polish off Sutter Home White Zinfandel. And I would piss in the Sutter Home White Zinfandel bottles. She'd make me because she didn't want me to use all the Fawcett water because water was not free back then in New York City.

And so I would have to bring my own piss in a Sutter Home White Zinfidel bottle right there in St. Matthias School, the 13th Apostle. And it was inspired by your bit in Dumbent Dumber. So I just wanted to say thank you. Well, say it for that. Thank you so much because I don't think I grow this kind of hair without Sutter, homines infant, I'll piss in a bottle. Hey, everybody, my brand new book, Uncle Milton, is here at last. It's a collection of strange but wonderful short stories, and you can read that along with some of my

other books. I bet you didn't know that I wrote books, did you? It's a little secret I've had. We have Crave with zombie stories, and we have journeys, people's harrowing tales of their journeys through life, sex in and Satan, where we explore some darker themes, and don't look under the bed, some Twilight Zone S stories for bedtime reading. at harlem williams.com and just for the record because i know what it is you know i know things but they don't i have about 15 or 16 viewers we have uh don uh don de leptodont teeth yeah there he is boston and we have uh yeah carmine uh cracker barrel twas yes and anne hathaway also she watches what just for them because i know what it is christopher what is a zinfidel a white

zinfandel what's a zinfandel a zinfandel it's uh one of like these guys that they you know like they they they're as infidels anyone who disrespects a la what yes a white white ones though a white zinfidel as white zinfidel and the infidels are all the rest of the cultures yes wow and you can buy white zinfandals at any liquor store in queens and it's not sacrilegious not sacrilegious and it's a rosé zinfandel you know you got like white wine red wine, and then like a white Zinfandel. Wow. That's what it is.

They're everywhere. So you could be an infidel at a nice romantic candle at dinner setting. Whatever you want to do. My mom used to drink it, never out of wine glasses. She would drink it out of her cups like, you know, like, you know, cups I got as souvenirs from Yankee Stadium, things like that. Like my family didn't have wine glasses. We were drinking out of just cups.

Oh, wow. Do you ever drink out of your mother's bra? And if that's too personal, because those are cups. cups well no you know what it is my mom she had AIDS well AIDS yes I was going to get to that but A's

A's A Cups so I would drink They weren't real I was mainly mostly doing shots out of them It wasn't as an A cup small A cup is small How does it go? Because see I clearly don't know Is it goes from A to what

Yeah I mean I think it calls all the way up to double E But then like they can have back problems But really I think the main ones are A's the babies, then B's, and C's is kind of really nice, nice plumpy tits. D's are big mamas, and then E's are getting to the point of almost National Geographic, and then double E's are you need to get surgical intervention. And what's the biggest man bubbles or whatever they're called you've been with? Man balls?

No, what's the biggest letter in your life? I've been with G's. G's, actually. Can you with your hands just show us how far out those would come? I'm not even, hoiling, I told you I'm not here to lie. No, I get it. I had a girl. Yeah.

What? No, no, no. This one was out to here. Yeah. And then this one was out to here. So they were off a little? Yeah, but they stood straight out. What?

They didn't fall at all. Dude, I don't know how the hell she did it. I don't know if she worked out or I don't know what she was doing. But those are the biggest ones. Geez, one was a G and then one was an E. The fact that one's out further than the other makes me think she might have had a revolving door accident or something. It's possible. Like, wow.

It's possible, man. I mean, they were amazing. And she was from Afghanistan. What was her name? Do you remember? Rebecca Smith. Oh, wow. Hold on.

On, uh, don't tell me on, uh, get the Haka-Clari Street. Yes. Yeah, okay. Yes. Rebecca. Yes. Yes. Smitty.

100. Yes. Oh, damn. Yes. Yes. You know what? Now that I'm, now that you say it, I think maybe what she might have, one of her boobs might have stepped on a landmine. That's what it was.

She blew half of it off. She blew half her tit off. Oh, God. But it was beautiful, man. And, um, and I miss her. Oh. And, uh, and, uh, and yeah, man. But other than that, dude, I got a great family.

I got a fiance. I got three kids. I have, I got three kids, man. One of them's not even mine. But it's, they're just with us. Where'd you get them? got it or she i don't want to say he he we got him over at uh walmart and his name uh daniel okay boon daniel boon whoa yeah oh yeah daniel boon de stephano wow dcfano wow dbd you just found

him wandering around at walmart yeah and and my fiancee thought that he looked like her son oh wow that she thought she had she couldn't remember and then we took him in and then i have my two biological daughters and they're great and my but one daughter her right foot's on her left foot and her left foot and then yeah whoa and then my other you know that's called crawfish syndrome right that's what she has she has crawfish syndrome and then oh god and then but the biggest issues with my kids is i got my because i have my you know i have one daughter who's five and one daughter who's three and there's problems in the house because my three-year-old is pro israel and the five-year-old's pro-palistine so we don't know how to deal with that

that do they have bunk beds they do and we've had to separate them now especially now with gaza trump taking over gaza the three-year-old's going crazy so who's on top now and who's on the bottom so what we've done now what we've done now is we just keep them both while we have the three-year-old because she's kind of nuts we keep her we had a dog so we keep her in the dog kennel yeah smart and then we have the five-year-old she just sleeps she just sleeps with us because she's fucking packing herself with t-n t every day before she goes to school and explosives and all that so we have to keep her safe. Nuddy kids. And then Daniel Boone, you know, we just, he kind of sl-he lives out on top of the garage. Yeah, probably eats squirrels at night. It's, you know, with kids, if they're not

throwing, you know, rocks through windows or spray painting a wall, they're blowing up the family with the high-end explosives. The other day my three-year-old was walking around yelling free the Palestinian nipple. She combined free the nipple and free Palestine. She was yelling, screaming free the Palestinian nipple. Oh, God. Yeah. Any blowback from the neighbors? No, nothing. They didn't say anything. The only thing my neighbors, my neighbors, they're, they're pretty good.

They're pretty good my neighbors. They don't fuck with me a little bit. Wait a minute. The goods? They're good. The goods. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Oh, God. They fuck with me a little bit. They're like, you could have been Santino. Oh, yeah. You say you're a piece of shit now. We all do that, though. Loser.

We all do that. And they'll say a piece of shit. You live in a rental. Yeah. I'll do that, though. They'll say, look at your fucking Walmart kids. You could have been Santino, you scumbag. And then they shit in this old guy, I know, he shits in a diaper and he throws it

at me every fucking day. A diaper. Literally shits in a, he's not disabled. Takes a full big shit in a diaper. Creamy or loofy? Loafy. And he comes, dude, and he fucking whips it. Like, you know, like David and Goliath?

Yeah. Fucking whips it. What, he like puts it in a jockstrap and just wound. And then he throws these things so goddamn hard. He's broke three of my windows of this shit. You know what that's common. when you do it like that is called hurling. So he's hurling a loaf.

He hurls his shit at me. Oh, dude. And I don't need the kids to see that. Do you take, did you have to go to therapy or anything? No, I kind of just suck it up and deal with it. That's trauma inducing, though.

I kind of suck it up and deal with it. And I found out my fiance is having an affair with him. With Gramps? Yeah, and I don't know what else. I mean, what are we going to do? So your fiance,

well, you're out working hard. Yes. Or not. Yeah. Is slinging the sack with the hurler. Yes. Oh, dude. Yeah, and she's just doing this whole thing.

And then I just kind of got to suck it up and deal with it. Oh, you know, and we deal with it. And then... What a nightmare scenario. Yeah, a nightmare scenario. And then, you know, my kids are just kind of always just telling me that I'm not even good enough to be on Netflix. And the three-year-old especially said, oh, what, piece of shit, you got a special on Hulu. Isn't it horrible when the kids are right?

Yeah. And I said, yeah, I got a special on Hulu. It comes out February 21st. It's right near your birthday. And she goes, yeah, you could have been on Netflix. You don't want to go to career day at their school when you're on Hulu. No. You might as well go in and not, and here, thank you for not lying,

but you might as well go in and say you're a janitor. Seriously. You don't want your kids' friends knowing you're on Hulu. No. Dude. But I am. February 21st. Wait, to say that again?

February 21st, Hulu. What are you doing on Hulu? You got a special. I got a special. It's called it's just unfortunate. And then they've picked a comic a month. They've picked 12 comics. Oh, my God.

And they're putting out a new comic every month. And they started in November, and they picked me for February for Black History Month. Oh, are you black? Yes. Oh, wow. Okay. I was wondering about that. Just the way you sort of talk, that kind of, yeah.

They picked me for Black History Month, and it's a real huge honor. Even though they have multiple, they did pick multiple black comedians to be part of the 12, but I'm the one who, and I think that that's fair and that makes sense. Player, please. Player, please. Player, please. Yeah. Now, how long have you been black?

I've been black since. It's 2025. I got it done in 2019. Where did you go? Because I know a lot of guys go to Turkey to get the hair plugs done. Where did you go to get the black? Cleveland. Oh, what area do you know? The Cleveland Clinic. Oh, wonderful. Yeah. It's right by, um, right. They do great work. Yeah, right by the airport out there. And I went and I got it. And, uh, you know, I really feel like, you know, it's, it's, it's for me.

It works for me. It works for my family. It really does. Look at you. Yeah. And it's, and it makes sense. tube. And I kind of had to do that because my oldest daughter came out black. So I didn't want to be like her to feel embarrassed to say, how come I'm black, but my dad's not. So I just made myself black to match with her. There's beautiful shades of black. There's dark, like, there's dark beautiful like Kenyan black where I find black people are really like a dark hue of black. And then there's lighter sort of like the Jamaican hue of, it's sort of like a bronzy. First of all, how would

you describe your black and then how did your daughter what what's sort of her hue of so beautiful black my daughter is is more of a Kenyan black okay and so what i got you know and that's just how it is it's just how she was born yeah and because i've said to her because first obviously the doctor's like what your daughter is this okay like do you want to sign this birth certificate because you know you're not black i said well number one you don't know me yeah so it's like me people is black is not a race it's an identity, it's a, it's a feeling, it's a powerful. So, like, my daughter has that. I'm very happy about that, and that is my child.

That's your kid. So, and then, but he said, well, you know, it's, it's, I mean, it might not be. And I said, you know, you're a dick. Because people just want negative now. So I said, no, I am. That is my daughter. And yes, I'm not black, but she is. Has he not heard about Black Lives Matter or anything?

The race marches in the 60s, Martin Luther King, Jack Black. So, I mean, what's, where was, where was this daughter of the Klu Klux Klan hospital? Exactly. And so, Dick, Dick, Dick, a, dick, asshole. And so I, um, so I got, I went and got the surgery, but she's, she's Kenyon Black, but then I got, I got, I got, a little angel. I got Chet Hanks. Okay.

I got Chet Hanks black. So that's, that's what I have now. Is that Tom Hanks, black son? Yes. He has a black son named Chet. So I got the Chet. And it's good. And my family's now tied together.

Oh. My family's now tied together, and it's, and it's, my daughter, my daughter didn't want to use my last name, just because she thought it was fun for her last name. Her last name is Jenkins. Yeah. But she just, but she just, that's her choice, and I respect that. She just wanted it to be fun and different, but she's my biological child. What's she, what's her last name? Jenkins.

Jenkins. Yes, and her first name's Tenisha. Oh, God. What a beautiful, blackish Kenyan name. Gorgeous. And I'm Chris DeStefano. And does she have? And please, I hope this is an insane.

sensitive. Does she have a, like a traditional African Kenyan name that sort of the way we have our Christian names? Does she have like a black Kenyan Africana name? Yes. Our name, when we picked us in the church, her name is Desmond Tutu. Oh, what a little angel. Yes. Oh, Desmond Tutu. A little Kenyan angel. Yes, she really is. You know, I'm familiar with that clinic you went to. I'm actually, I don't, I don't like to name drop at all, and please don't think I am, but this is coming from something you brought up. I'm super tight with Forrest Whitaker. I'm like, he's like, me and him are like, we're in a bowling league, we camp together, we fish.

It's amazing. We paraglide. Hell yeah. We even take a salsa class together. Yeah. And I'm taking him into that clinic. He's becoming white in about six weeks. Wow.

And right next door. is the Mayo Eye Clinic. We're going to get, you know how one of his eyes looks like a Euros, a meat euros, and it's just flapping down? Yes.

So we're going to get that popped and get the slap, like we call it pancake roll. Right. And we're going to, so we're going to flop the sag on his eye. What's great about Forrest Whitaker turning white is he doesn't have to change his name.

Yeah. Because that goes either way. Either way. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. I saw Lawrence Fishburn once in the supermarket. Wait a minute.

What? Yeah. Now I think maybe you're bullshitting me. Lawrence Fishburns. Where was this? I got to hear, hold on. I got to, hang on, I got to hear this story. Yeah.

Go. What the fuck. I saw him in Brooklyn Park Slope where he's from. I saw Lawrence Fishburn in the supermarket and then somebody walked up to him and said, oh, you're going to buy any fish? And then he said, people say that to me all the time. And it's a little old. And then somebody came and slapped him in the head with a mackerel.

Oh, dude. Yeah, and then they ran away. But yeah, I saw Lawrence Fishburn at a supermarket. And I saw Bill de Blasio, the former mayor of New York on the elliptical at the YMCA in Park Slope. I didn't know he was epileptic. Yeah, dude. And somebody walked by him all, he was the acting mayor and told him he fucking sucks. Yeah.

Yeah. Do you want to hear a funny Lawrence Fishburn story? Yes. Only if it's real. This one is real. I was during COVID. Allegedly. Alleged COVID, I was, everything was shut down except for animation.

Okay. So at the time I was doing some animation voices during COVID, I'd drive into the studio. They'd wash everything. You know, you go into the sound booth all alone. So one night I had this little weird epiphany. Do you believe in the Matrix at all? Yes. So I'm, I'm at this buddy's house and we were hanging out having a beer and he had this amazing view.

You looked out over the whole city. Well, Cosby? No, no, not the cause. Oh, I thought it was because Cosby's got that view. No, he does? Have you been to his place? Yeah, dude, I sleep over. Oh, wow.

Yeah, you have no choice with you. You have to sleep over. Yeah, yeah. But I'm standing there and my buddy's inside on the phone and I'm just looking out at the twinkling lights. No biggie. And all of a sudden, Christopher, I had this moment. It just came out of nowhere.

And it was so convincing. And I just went, none of this is real. None of this is. Like I get goosebumps saying it. It just came out of nowhere. I've never had that thought in my life. And I'm looking out and it's just like,

none of this is real. And it was almost like a voice was saying it to me. Whoa. And all of a sudden everything, it was still there, but it just my, it's like you ever have a moment where you feel like you opened another door in your brain

and you accessed a spot that you didn't know was there. Right. I'm not kidding, it was real. And I just went, none of this is real. And it really, like, it lasted for about two minutes. And then it just kind of went, what the F was that? So the next morning, I go in to do my animation job.

I drive over into Burbank. I pull into the same little parking lot in the back that I always pull in. I pull up, I park. I'm about 15 minutes early. So I'm sitting in my car. all of a sudden another car pulls in, okay, pulls in, just sits there for a minute, then someone gets out, I'm in my car, so I just see legs, you know what I mean? Yeah.

And they get out of their car, but their motor's still running. It's a Tesla, and it's like, because it was really hot, so I thought, oh, man, it's overheating or something. So as the guy's walking in front of my car, I open the window and go, hey, buddy, your car's, like, sounds like it's making a noise. the guy bends down he goes oh thanks man it's Lawrence Fishburn whoa I've never met him never seen him in this town but it's what was his name in in the in the Matrix it was Prometheus Prometheus was that his name I think so something like that it's not Neo no it's not neo yeah so I think it's but it's the guy that basically said everything's a matrix

nothing's real and the one time in my life that I had that bizarro thought there's There's Lawrence Fishburn, like right in my family. This is just too creepy weird. What the hell did you do? I sort of freaked a little. I was just like, hey, dude, like you're going in to do a voice? And can I touch you to see if you're real? Wow.

It was really weird. So what do you think, man? Do you think it's not real then? None of this is real? I have no way of knowing, but I mean, there's obviously there's something tangible here. But are we just, are we just film flying through the light at the moment? of the projection. I don't know.

Have you ever done drugs? Not me. No. Or like ayahuasca? No. We got to do that. You haven't done it? No.

Would you want to do it? Actually, this is that place to do it. We should do it in your pool. We should do ayahuasca. But doesn't it like, isn't there a danger you go too far and you can't come back? No, not if we'll fly in a shaman from Peru. And if you can't get one from Peru, you can get one from Phoenix. I know a guy over at Foot Locker who's a good job.

Schumann. Yeah, dude. Yeah. Wow. Let's get him. Roberto. Do you believe in all that stuff, the Matrix and all that? I do. I believe that, especially since I've had kids, I almost believe that like our bodies are just like these meat vessels and the souls, when we die, the soul just jumps to another meat vessel. And then you just have a new reality. It's almost like a player, like you're a player playing in a game. Like you're playing in a, you know, you get a pick a player. And then that player dies, and then just go pick another player.

But do you think the next incarnation of you holds on to any of your memories from this time when you were the player? Yes, because I think that's what deja vu is. Yeah. I think that's what deja vu is. It's a rip in that continuum. And it says, oh, I feel like I've been here before. And the truth is because you have, just that's something else.

That's what I said. I did Rogan's podcast about a year ago. Who? Joe Rogan. He's got a pod now, too? He's got a pot. He's just getting gone. But I said to him, I think the only evidence that we're in a matrix is when you have deja vu.

It's like a skip in the system. It's a flaw. Yes. Because it shows you a place where you've been and you live. And it only lasts about 10, 20, 30 seconds. Right. But it's a glitch. Right.

And it's proof that we've been here before or something. I think it's a mistake. Everything has glitches. I also think when I... It's interesting. We think the same way about that. I think our families, too. I think we get, I think we're in a cosmic loop with them.

So I think like we'll always have the same family, but like maybe I come back one day as my mom, my daughter comes back one day as her brother and, but we're all linked. Wow. So I think we just, and I do think the people that we meet in our life, nothing is by chance. It's all predetermined. Like I could come back as you. Like we're all in this together. The people that we meet.

I think there's nine billion people on this planet. I see what you're doing. Let's go. Yep, you fucker. Wow, exactly. Ever get the feeling you're being watched online? It's not paranoia. It's data brokers.

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safeguards your devices, alerts you to real-time threats, and more. Start your free trial at aura.com slash control. That's a-u-r-a-com slash C-O-N-T-R-O-L for your free trial. That's aura.com slash control. Oh, dude. You see? You son of a bitch. You see how I did it? What the fuck, I?

You see how I did it? You see how I take the ad money? Dude. Is this what I do? Now what? Yes. Yep. Right?

Now I'm you? Yep. Okay. And now this is my show. And I'm black now and I'm a Nazi. I'm Hitler. You're a black Nazi and I'm here having sex all over the property. Okay.

Let's go. How are you, guy? What's up, dude? How are you? Nice to be here. Welcome to Harlan's Highway. Thanks a lot. Great to be here.

Yeah. Yeah. And now how, uh, you know, welcome to my studio. Thank you. And dude, you fucking look good. Thanks, man. Yeah, I've been modeling. I've been eating squid.

I eat squid. That ink. The ink, do you know what it does for your blood? Tell me. It decarbonates the homogenized rectumium. And it just, it's a, it's a fountain of you. Dude, it looks good, man. And now let me tell you, man.

Did you ever think that if you followed the physical therapist job, would your humor have come out? Would it have overpowered you? Oh, fuck you. You're not doing my question. Come on. Dude. You're a dick. look at us man you son of uh you you know you were doing fine until you went to my notes right went to

the notes and then the mate that was the glitch that was the glitch that was the matrix glitch but this episode because i was the host i got to get the ad money yeah all the hello fresh whatever it's mine now dude hello fresh dude shout out america's number one meal kit right you're right you're getting the ad money yeah you just made uh hold on eight thousand six hundred dollars 8,600, Hondo. Smart, man. You're a player. Player.

I wanted to ask you, you probably don't see this question coming, but at one point in your life, you were involved in physical therapy, weren't you? Yes. And you, like, study it or talk to me about that, Wild Fingers. I have a doctorate degree in physical therapy from the New York Institute of Technology. That's the New York Institute of Technology, NYIT. What does a technology have to do with physical therapy, though? Because it's tech, because we have.

little machines that we use that we put on people that are called simulation, stimulation machines. Oh, wow. And we also do ultrasounds on people who we think could possibly be pregnant. So have you ever looked inside someone and seen an infant child? 100%. A fetus? I've done it multiple times. What's the most you've seen?

One day, dude, I don't know what it was. We had a whole soccer team come in that got injured. Every single one of them had a fetus inside of them. Like a female soccer team? No. Wow, that's another glitch in the matrix. It's crazy, dear. So these guys came in and then, and then, yeah, dude, we've met all kinds of people there.

Donald Trump's lawyer used to come in to the physical therapy clinic. Wow. And this is actually a true story. One of Trump's lawyers came in. Oh, here we go. And he had, you know, this pain in his back, in his lower back. And I did all these tests. I was a new physical therapist.

I did all the, they teach you in physical therapy school. You do these tests to reproduce the pain. you know like like basically if you're having pain in your back and you don't know what it's from I'll do all these tests and you know if I lift your right leg up and you feel pain shooting down your left I could say okay that's probably a problem in in this vertebrae or that's probably a tight you know uh tensor fascia latte which is a muscle the TFL well that's a tight iliotibial band the ITB you know me that sounded a lot like the answer I gave when I was sitting over there yes dude okay so it was very similar so I'm

So I would just do it all these tests And I couldn't figure it out And so I called him my boss Who was physical therapist for 30 years He owned the clinic Yeah And he's doing all his tests You know he's I was just a therapist

For a few months So he knew all this stuff And he was like I can't figure this out either man He goes what's going on here He goes you know I think the only My boss says to the guy I think the only thing we got to do now

Is we got to take an x-ray And that's in He goes no no you're not doing any of that And we said well He said well he can't help you then And the guy said All right shut the door I'll tell you what's up.

So, say, okay. Whoa. So the guy says, listen, he goes, this is confidential, right? And the guy says, yeah, of course. It's the doctor's office. And he said, well, could you get back pain from an STD? And they said, yeah, untreated. It's very possible.

It can go in and get, you know. And they said, you know, do you want to take a look? So, you know, he pulled his pants down. And then obviously, it's just a reaction. Every time I see a guy pulls pants and I start going down on my, knees. So my boss said, he pulled me up and he said, not, not right now. That's later. Don't do that yet. Yeah. So I said, so we took a look and, and this guy, I mean, he had every STD, I mean, gonorrhea, syphilis, herpes, chlamydia. It was like. It was like a gift

basket. It was, exactly. He was four for four. It was like. So, and we said, he said to them, listen, the guy, the Trump's lawyer said, I've been having, paying extra to take the condom off with prostitutes, okay, some girl, some guys. So he said, he said, but my wife can't know about this. He said, so to me, he points at me, I was 26 years old. He said, can I pay him pointing at me? Can I give him five grand right now that you give me all the medicine you need to help me, but you put it out, fill it out in his name, which is full medical fraud. You cannot do that. You're done. That is illegal. I was just became a physical therapist. Yeah. So my boss, I said to my boss like, you know, help me. And my boss says, we will absolutely. We will absolutely.

He says to him, he says, we'll not do that. You cannot do that. Yeah. That is absolute 100% medical fraud, and we will not do that. Yeah. For $5,000. We can do it for $25,000. So if you give us 25 bones right now, that's what we'll do.

Who wouldn't? And so we got 25. Nice. Right there. Check. Boom. 25 cash all. Put that in my pocket.

Yeah. Took the fall for him with the STDs. His wife and kids never found out. Yeah. And that's, and I took. that 25K and I quit physical therapy and that's how I started my career as a stand-up comic because I had enough money to quit the job. So that's why, so when people say, why are you, why are you always, why are you pro-Trump? That's why. Because he gave me 25,000,

his lawyer gave me $25,000 to take the STD fall for him and I did that and got me into comedy. So how can I be mad? You know what the best part of that story is? It's just, it's, it's, it personifies confidentiality. Like the fact that you never said that story out loud, never said it in public or on camera, never said it in a forum where anyone else could hear it. Yes. And that's a testament to you. That's called loyalty. Yes.

That's called being human. Loyal. Looking out for your fellow human. Good for you for never telling that story. Thank you. Openly and publicly. And I wouldn't do it and I protect the innocent. Yeah.

Oh, God. So, but, yeah, so we got that 25 grand and I put it in Bitcoin. Great. Early days. Yeah. So it's doing, I'm doing well. You're doing real well. And the other.

good thing about that is you can always take that and turn it around and go hey guy uh thanks for the 25 for me being quiet and now how about another 75 so i don't go talking yeah so this is a never-ending ferris wheel and you just cash keep it pumping yeah keep it pumping and then uh and then yeah his uh so that's so that's that's my story of being a physical therapist well speaking of physical therapy. If you don't mind, you probably get this all the time from friends. Hey, can you look at this kid? Have you ever heard of a clunk leg? Yes. And I tell a quick little story and maybe you can help because I think when you saw when I walked around, I had a bit of a limp. Yeah, it was, it was, and I always got that urge to I wanted to kick out the other leg. But that's, but I didn't do it.

No, you're a nice guy. We're buddies. Yes. You know, who knows if that could change. Hey, everybody. Check out my merchandise at Harbling.com. Yeah, most people just slap some letters or images on a t-shirt or a hoodie. But not me. Yours truly. Guess what? I draw my own designs at Harbleng.com. You can see tons of my hand-drawn t-shirts. You can either buy the original or you can buy a print. And man, oh man, wear all. loud and proud. I love making these designs for you guys and keeping it personal. So check out the whole catalog. We got hoodies. We got coffee mugs. We got t-shirts. You name it. It's there at harbling.com. Get your Harland original design, wearable art at Harbling.com today. And thank you for your support. And I'll just keep the groovy images. is coming. So I was rock climbing, hiking in the Rocky Mountains in Colorado.

Right. This was about six years ago. I still have the limp. And I'm coming down. I'm crawling down a little rocky crevasse, jam the leg, fall, twist it. And if I could just show you, I got what we call clunk leg. And what it was is that, you know, I came down like. this and the foot went like sort of like this yes and then i tried to walk on it and it sort of twisted

like this right and so i'm laying there because i can't walk it looked like that it looked like that but it gets worse i'm laying there thinking okay uh someone will come along the trail cut do i hear some ruffling a bear comes down about 200 feet near me i can't sit anymore so now now Now I got clunk leg. I got to get up and start hobbling down the mountain. And so now I'm kind of like, my leg's almost like this. Yeah. And it's like I'm walking on a nub.

Yes. And then I stripped again because I'm, and then the thing like, it just, Chris, you might have seen this before, but it just twisted right around. Like, sorry, sorry, dude, but is this your actual leg? That's not my actual leg. I borrowed it from the leg museum,

young bud so you're saying when it because okay so if you're twisted around like that yeah you're saying you're basically like that if you come into the physical therapy clinic what are you going to do for me that then we probably give you two aspirin and we put a a small cast on it not nothing crazy and would say about two to three weeks of physical therapy twice a week you should be fine but what I didn't tell you is I was rolling down the hill and the the the toes curled back like this oh shit and I got like clunk foot right and clunk leg and then it snapped my Achilles tendon ripped off and so now I'm doing this action and I'm walking and I don't know yeah there it is wow wow dude and then but yeah so that's I would for that I would do a light tissue massage on the hamstring

and you should be fine can you just show me how that would look in real time like from clunk leg to where you sort of do your magic touch so if you could hold it high for the camp so how does this so if we're here yeah if we're starting here yeah so what we do is this is if you imagine this is the hamstring right so what i do is here like this a little rub and then i take my thumb and this is called the uh locomotive technique where i just run it down i just run it down you see that running it down run it down and then i go like this Christopher and then what happens is and then i'll go one two three three two one let's have fun. Are you fucking kidding me? Boom. And then that's what it is. Can I see that again just the end part? Sure. Are you fucking kidding me? So so can I do the count three to one? No,

one two three three three two one three two one three two one three three two one. No there's something you have to say else it doesn't snap back. Uh, fuck me tender in the night. Close. What is what is Let's have fun. Three, two, one, let's have fun. Are you? Wow. You see that? Dude.

I got to be honest with you. I'm a foot guy. Yeah. And this is something that I don't know that I'd be able to have this near me, especially if I was living alone and not have these puppies in my mouth all the time. So this is like a sex toy to you? Actually, I thought that that's what it was. If you want to put them in your mouth, you can.

A little bit of a sex toy. I won't discriminate. And that's why I noticed there's a hole here. What do you think's going on with that? that. Dude, if you want to suck the foot, I'm not going to, I'm not, oh God, oh God, he's, Chris, you know what, I'm going to let you have a minute by yourself for a moment and, uh, let me, call me when you're done, okay, guy? Call me when you're done.

You're done? Oh, geez. What happened? Nothing, man. She sent a little... What happened? Just had a little phone with the foot. Did you do some sucking?

Mm-hmm. I heard some noises from out. God, that felt good. You really are a foot guy, huh? I love feet, dude. Now, has that been clean... Is that... Been doing a little drinking, have you, guys?

Wow. Wow. Dude, this recess, man. Riot really gets you jacked. What are you going to do tonight? You son of a bitch. Don't make me jump over there again. What are you thinking?

Should we do some spots? You want to do some spots? I can't tonight. Why? I don't want to say. Come on, dude. I can't. Come on.

Nobody's listening. I've got this part out. All right. I'm going on a date. Holy shit. Yeah. Where are you guys going? It doesn't matter.

I'm cutting this part out. But they won't know. I'm not going to say. Where are you going? No, I'm not saying. Come on. Where'd you meet them? Where'd you meet them?

I'm not being a dick. It's a gal, bro. Stop. Yeah. Where's, um, where'd you meet her? I'm not going to say. Come on, dude. I can't.

Who is? Is it Michelle Obama? She's single now. Is she? Yeah. Is Michelle? What's going on with Michelle and Barack? They said Barack and Michelle broke up, so I wasn't sure if it was Michelle.

Do you think it's for real? I do. You think Michelle and Barack broke up? I really do. Why wouldn't she come to the inauguration or Jimmy Carter's funeral? Yeah. Right? With the inauguration, fine, you can say, oh, whatever, you know, it's not, doesn't like

the president, blah, blah, blah, but Carter's funeral. Yeah. Come on, dude. dude yeah she's dating pete davidson that's what i heard is that who she's dating who's baroque dating barraq dating barraq is uh dating um is a rebel wilson yes i heard brad pitt he's dating that's what i heard actually heard jennifer aniston that's the real real oh yeah jenny jennan do you know her right um no oh do you i don't know anybody like i don't know any a listers besides jimmy kimmel i do know jennifer aniston cool cool girl

A beautiful, wonderful girl, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Wonderful. When you guys hung out, what did you guys do? How did you? What do you do? People don't believe this, but we skinny dipped.

Wow. We went to Aspen. We went for dinners. We went for all kinds of things. Yeah. That's legit. Yeah. Fuck, yeah, dude.

Used to skinny dip with the Aniston. It's pretty fun. Fucking amazing. Her and Maria Bello. She was a, she's a beautiful. beautiful actress yeah maria bello mario canton mario mario uh mario batali oh maria osmond oh shit dude i love it yeah uh well chris i want to get us down to our final segment okay do this with we do this with all our guests my guy okay it's called words from a wooden shoe love it this is an authentic

dutch clog love it it's full of words christopher you reach in pull out a word and see if it inspires a story from your journey in life, maybe something that happened to you, a friend, someone you know. So see if it pops a story out of your brain. Make out in movies. Oh, okay. You ever been in a movie theater and when you were dating?

I told you I've never been in a movie. Yeah. But it doesn't inspire a movie, but it does inspire a makeout session as there was this girl. Yeah, here we go. There was this girl, Tiffany, who I really, really, really liked.

and we went to great adventure, which is an amusement park in New Jersey. Okay. Not too far from where I was living. Yeah. And so I, you know, went with my friends, her group of friends, my group of friends. We were 16, 17 years old, and I wanted to make a move on her. And everyone was like, oh, he likes her, but she doesn't know if he likes him back, whatever. And I were going, we're on this roller coaster, and I sat next to her.

Yeah. And I'm talking to her, you know, trying to make her laugh, whatever. And then she looked over at me when we were going up the, hill and it was one of those roller coasters that it wasn't like you know you weren't like too strapped in kind of was just like a seatbelt yeah so she looked over at me and i thought this is my move this is my move if there's any move to make out with her this is the one iconic the sun was setting beautiful at the top but i didn't know that this roller coaster what happens is is when you get to the top it has like a lever and it like shoots you down so i went in to kiss her and then that

lever hit and my head smash it to her nose and I broke her nose on the ride and she was gushing blood and my friend Sean was behind me because it went blood went all over his shirt and I completely ruined it and I accidentally fully broke her nose like paramedics on a stretcher for me she cried the entire ride yeah bruised eyes her father wanted to kill me what and I just went to try to go in for a kiss so that's my that's what make out in the movies makes me think of Is Tiffany, when I broke her nose on the roller coaster, a great adventure. That's some tough timing. On the Great American Scream Machine.

That's what it was called. Now, fast forward, did you ever make up with her? Did you ever get a chance to make out with her further down the road when her bandages came off? She was killed in 9-11. Was she? Yes. Which I'll be doing Madison, 21, 2025 headlining. Great segue.

For her. For her, yeah. For her. Proceeds go to her. oh wow yeah but she wasn't killed at the twin towers oh or anything no where she was just what happened uh she got shot up in the bronx on 9-11 yeah oh wow hunting accident or drive-by hunting yeah what were they going for elk or deer or deer or yeah i honestly don't even at this point i don't even know but she got she got she got clipped so i'm doing that september 11

2025 madison square garden and i'm headlining and uh yeah it all goes to tiffany i hope she wasn't hitting the nose. I know, right? With a bullet. Yeah. What a double bummer. Oh, man. Well, Christopher, tell the folks, before we go, you just mention it,

mention it again, mention your podcast, your beautiful special on Hulu, your stand-up schedule. Let them have it, my guy. Go to Christycomedy.com for everything you want. Patreon.com slash history hyenas. That's where the most wild stuff ever comes out. I'm a history podcast with the good old Janus Poppice. And then Madison Square Garden in September.

11, 20, 25. I have a whole other bunch of dates. Christycomedy.com. And I'm the guy I'll do an arena in New York and in the very next weekend. I'm doing the Milwaukee Improv. So you're actually playing in New York, the Madison Square Garden?

The arena and Madison Square Garden September 11, 2025. Yeah. How many people does that hold? 15,000. Dude. It's what it is, baby. People love black comics.

Exactly. Because I did Radio City and I did the theater at Madison Square Garden two years ago. So now I'm going to do this one. but my career's in a place where I can just kind of sell a lot of tickets in the 13 colonies, and that's about it. And how are ticket sales?

So right now, ticket sales are going well. Yeah. But it's a long ways away. It's February. It's not until September. Oh, that's amazing. And I haven't even hit my email list in Syria yet. So that's where they're going to get the tickets in.

Folks, go to Madison Square Gardens and see the legend. Soon to be a movie star. You're going to be in movies. That's my prediction. You got the movie, you got the Paul Newman sort of. Thank you. You got the look. Forget about your shitty body.

The face. Your face is going to get you there. And use that promo code Hamas for September 11, 2025, Madison Square Garden. One of my favorite dips. 100% Sambra. Ladies and gentlemen, you have been on the Holland Highway podcast. Krista Fistano here. And until next time, chicken chalemain and.

and uh and um that's right peace in the middle east that's it uh that um um uh that um uh forget university university and hey everybody how would you like your very own personal video message from me yours truly it's your birthday it's your anniversary at your graduation or you just want me to make you laugh You get to pick the topic you want me to discuss, give me some talking points, and off we go. You can get it for yourself or get it for a friend. It's super easy and fun.

Just go to the Cameo app on your phone or to Cameo.com. And I record a custom video made just for you or your loved one. Your very own personalized Harland. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. I was having sex with a guy in a bodega. Oh, with a guy? Yeah. Who, Steve? No, no, no, no. This is Jose.

Whoa. Yeah, dude. It's, it's, you know, when I was a little kid, I was, I was gay, but I'm not anymore now. How'd you get rid of it? I would just swallow my spit. And then all of a sudden, it just kept pushing it down, pushing it down. I must have farted it out. Wow.

You know what I used off? Deepwood's off. Oh, sick. And it came off. Just amazing, dude. Yeah, I was only gay for about three. three days. How does it work when you're Canadian? Are you born gay, like, officially? You're born. All Canadians are born gay, and then you go to the ministry of gay. And then you

decide then and there if you'd like, hey, I'd like to stay gay for a year, two years, my whole life. Right. You have to get a license. Yes. And so it's very different. It's kind of like the health care system. Yes. And it's different. And it's free to be gay in Canada, too. That's what I like about being a Canadian gay. The type of gay they have in Canada is. It's free. It's free. And she was from Afghanistan. What was her name?

Do you remember? Rebecca Smith. Oh, wow. Hold on. Don't tell me. On, uh, get the Hakka-Clari. read yes okay yes Rebecca yes smitty 100 yes yes yes

Thank you. I know a lot of Catholic school songs. Here was another one, were you there when they crucified my Lord? Sometimes it causes me to tremble, tremble, tremble, tremble. Did you go to Our Lady of Parkinson's? Yes. Well, here's one of the hymns I remember,

and this was one of the ones, I think it was Matthew Palm 47 Phase 3. Yes, I know this one. Yeah. Sex is natural, sex is fun. Sex is best when it's one on one. I want your sex. Yes.

I want your sex. Remember that one? Yes. That was the fourth apostle George Michael. Yes. My sister Bernadette owes you to sing that.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, she was crazy, man. Oh, God. Well, you got a faith. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

I got to be honest with you, I'm a foot guy. Yeah. And this is something that I don't know that I'd be able to have this near me, especially if I was living alone and not have these puppies in my mouth all the time. If you want to put them in your mouth, you can. I'm not. Oh, God. God, he's, Chris.

You know what, I'm going to let you have a minute by yourself for a moment. And, uh, let me, call me when you're done, okay, guy? You're done? Nothing, man. She sent a little... What happened? She's had a little fun with the foot. Did you do some sucking?

Mm-hmm. I heard some noises from out. God, that felt good. You really are a foot guy, huh? I love feet, dude. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

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