The Harland Highway - CHRIS TITUS talks about the rage and fire within him, also his wild family and wild life!

Episode Date: April 22, 2025

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Conditions apply. Okay, everybody, just before we get started, a few sweet announcements. Today's new theme song is from, I think he's from Denmark or Finland or Narnia or very interesting name. His name is Siggy Bejerkhoff. That's his name, Siggy, S-I-G-E-E-Bjerkhoff. That's how they say things over in Dutchyland. But great song. sort of a Frank Sinatra-esque theme song today. Loving the original theme songs you guys are sending in. So creative, having a blast.

Thank you, everyone, for sending them. Also, an announcement, I'm playing Joe Rogan's Comedy Mothership coming up in May, the first weekend in May, and we've sold out all the shows. So they've added a Sunday matinee show at 5 o'clock in the afternoon. It's going to sell out as well. So I'm just telling you, if you want to come to that show at Joe Rogan's mothership in Austin, Texas, Sunday, May 4th, 5 p.m. in the afternoon. And, man, it's just everything sold out except for that one.

So it's going to be a great time. And then don't forget up in Toronto on May 8th and 9th. I'm doing a show at the Royal Theater in Toronto. We're calling it a Wingman weekend. We're celebrating my new movie that I wrote and directed called Wingman. On May 8th, we're doing a stand-up show at the Royal Theater. Me and Jamie Kennedy from the Scream movies. Jamie's also in Wingman.

And then on May 9th, we are doing a sneak first screening of the movie Wingman. Nobody's seen it yet, so you'll be the first to see it. And you can get tickets for that at harlandwilliams.com. Harlandwilms.com. Same with the Joe Rogan tickets. Harlandwiliams.com. Get your tickets now. But please, tickets are limited for the screening.

So get on there and get yours reserved today before they're all sold out. Thank you, everyone, for being here. Don't forget to subscribe to the podcast. It helps when you guys hit that subscribe button. And also check out Harlan Williams.com for all my other stand-up comedy dates. I'm most likely coming to a city or town near you. So that's it. Let's kick back and enjoy this week's episode with Christopher Titus.

He beat my mom up, crushed her orbital bone. She went upstairs, got his gun, came down, and shot him three times. Not many guys can say their mother's a murderer. She got arrested. She went to trial. She got acquitted. and she got the guy's $100,000 life insurance policies. So can we call her a murderer?

Can we call her a murderer genius? Maybe, maybe. Wow. You're going down the Harland Highway Park Cats. Think you're funny guy. Let's see how long you last. It's a trap. Will you tap?

Better buckle up your strap. My guy, my guy, guy. I'll make your brain snap, snap back, jack, jack. Smack, smack, you're going down the Harlan Highway podcast. You're going down the Harlan Highway podcast. What a treat. Are you buddies with Leno? Because he's a car guy.

In and out, yeah. I think I have a tendency to drive people away. Really? Oh, wow. I like this. Are we going? I'll be on. You're wrong, guy?

I talk about driving people away right out of the gate. Put the pedal to the metal. I'm just, you know, it's what I got recently. I actually did the landmark form and I've been doing this. I've been going to therapy recently.

Yeah. And I really got something about me. I got that. I was raised with not knowing how to talk to people without screaming. Like I was right dad. My dad was like, you're a loser, your candy ass,

your panty waste. And so I, that's how I would, you know, in meetings of you're a loser. And so it didn't it. And that I made. as far as it did stunning so Leno one time I I knew Leno he was cool we hung out a

little and I did the tonight show and then I my divorce happened and we were at I was in Monterey working at cars yeah I guess how's it going and I just unloaded on it about my divorce how bad it was whoa and I remember and Leno's not that guy leto just got this look on it this blank look on his face and I'm like and at one point I realized I've I've said way too much I've said way too much and ever since then Jay's been like yeah it's you Go on, Chris. Good see you. I asked him for advice and I got an 65 Corvette Coupe.

Yeah. I leave it snuck. That's me to leave it snark. See you later, Chris. Like, it's like, Jay. Wait, not only has he got a high voice, but now he's got a Lisp? What's that all about? It's my, it's my horrible impression of Lennon.

Yes. I'd only do horrible impressions. Oh, dude. That's one of the things I love. And they all have Lisp. They all got Lisp. They all got LIS. Yeah.

I just, they all have lists. Every single one of them has lists. By the way, that's my hook, though. I'm my impression section of my show. Merry list, list, smith. Dude, that's one of the things I love about you, though, is your intensity, because it's just... It's too much, though, isn't it? No.

It's what makes you stand out the world like a lighthouse of rage at the edge of... At the edge of the hatred sea. All right. It's beautiful. I would be a lighthouse of that, yes. I will guide people through the hatred see. That's what I do. I will hold on to that.

Yeah. No, it's because it's not just in your delivery, but you've got that intensity. It's not hate, but you meet some people in life and they got an intensity in their eyes, and you got it. And I always liked it because it's raw. It's just like, it's like, it's real and it's raw.

You're on stage with it, and it's not a gimmick, it's not a bit. You're that guy and there's an honesty to it. I was raised like that. You are. And I really got recently that, oh,

it's a programming that I got as a kid that helped me, helped me when I found it. And the weird thing I'm on your podcast, was you're the absolute opposite. My wonder about Harlan Williams

is always like, how do you access that level of minion-like joy and not give a fuck all the time? I've watched you do stuff and I've sat in back at clubs and watch you do stuff where I'm just like,

and we usually, I used you an exam. My son started doing stand-up. Oh, what? On his own. How old is he? 20. Wow.

Now, he started when he was 19, and he, and I, and he kept going, like, how do I get this? Because he, he was trying to write stories like me, and then Rachel goes, he might be a one-liner guy. He likes Mitch. And he goes, but I'm so weird. And I said, Harlan. I go, Harlan gets on stage, and if you don't know Harlan for the first three minutes, you're like, what the fuck? And then Harlan teaches you a language.

He teaches you Harlan's language. And next thing you know, you're like, yeah, everybody. buddy's a car what's up cabbage patch like everybody everybody's in you're yeah it's you're a master man can i say one word to that sure glunder flunt right right that's what i was thinking i knew you were going to say that yeah that's one of my big vocabulary words uh what on that note do you remember your biggest like down and out like whether it was with a wife a girlfriend a father a sister like your your biggest like verbal blow up argument like one that was just like like the pavement was steaming when you left the room?

Yeah, I think every, do you want to, parental or divorce, a relationship? Maybe both, I think I'd. Well, I did a bit about when I, like, I had a girl, I had this, my mom was mentally, my mom was a manic depressed, schizophrenic, and I've done so many jokes about it. That's a lot of things.

So what I did was. She was like the KFC of, and an alcoholic, yes, she was, she was literally, she was 11 herbs and spices. She was the whole order. Wow. Yeah, she was the sampler plate. Wow

She was a golden corral emotional buffet Wow And you topped me again So the point is it So I would attract So that was my Again that was my That was my example of what a relationship should be

And I couldn't save my mom So I tried to save these other women I met this I did a bit about it I ended up in jail There was a girl I dated We moved to L.A. together Very smart

But also very crazy Smart and I think crazy go hand in hand and she used to punch me randomly we'd be fighting and her response was to hit me in the face in the face punch me a little tiny she's like 5'2 she was in a little like elf fists so one time we'd come back from the beach

and I did a bit about this it's an normal one I want to hear this bit and I did it you can just a piece of it if you want and I can we came to the beach and I was I was the joke because I was tan I was tan I was blonde I was wearing white pants I'm a very pretty man and I was putting this bookshelf together

I have these, like, first edition books, and she had, like, these technical manuals, and she goes, where's my books? And I said, I said, do you have technical manual? Do you want to put them up for, like, people? And she goes, because your friends would be too fucking stupid to read my books. And that's where it started.

Like, she would just start. Oh, nice. And I used to say that she would, like, I never knew when she was getting mad, but the room would smell like ozone. Wow. It would just change. So we got in this fight,

and then she hit me in the face, like, five times. I called the cops. I called LAPD. I'm like, she's punching me. I got to, she won't let me leave. the cops show up, opens the door, she goes, he hit me. Now, what the hell? And so, and they have

to arrest you, which is a good law. They have to, if someone says that, they have to take you away. So he took me away. I spent a night in Van Nuys jail. Which is a good one. And I'm blonde, I'm tan, I'm wearing white pants, I'm a very pretty man. Yeah, and this dude come in, I don't think I put this in the story. Angel bait.

Yeah, oh, yeah, oh, man. And you can remember, I'm younger Titus. I'm pretty, I'm pretty now. You're like, you're all bino meat almost. Right? Come on, man. Yeah. So you're a quarter, chicken white. Exactly. And the dipping sauce is just down the hall.

You know what I'm saying? Oh, yeah. I can smell you right now. About 2 o'clock in the morning, this dude, this big Simone guy comes in. He had to be 6-5-66. Oh, they love chicken. Dressed in a white jumpsuit that splattered in blood. Like, it's like from his shoulder, like, down across.

So he was dating your girlfriend, too? He was, he was like, he was like, dude, I saw her tonight. She's out of her mind. did you give her the machete because I'm bloody so what happens is and this guy is jovial this is the fructive part

is like I'm like I've never I'm not this guy I'm a suburban kid you know my family's kind of dark but I live raising the suburbs and this guy comes in

he goes hey man how's it going and I'm like be splattered in blood he wasn't even aren't Samoans always sort of jolly yeah but to be splattered

in blood and be jolly was it human blood or pig blood because they love that that rotating pig on the beach and a lot of sacrifice Yeah. Could have been wild boar. Whatever it was, I'll tell you what happened.

I actually know it was human blood because of what happened the next morning. Oh, God. This is like murder she wrote episode. You said, give me the worst story. This is like forensic files live. The person I've seen in therapy, I told some dark stories about my life. And at one point, when you make a therapist go, Jesus, that's a bad thing. When the therapist gets up and turns the cross upside down on the wall.

The therapist wanted to go to therapy. A therapist guy needs to come with a therapist. When the therapist calls in Constantine, you're like... Hey, I'm going to take a break. Talk to this guy. So here's what happens. I spend the night of the guy. I don't go to sleep.

I'm so freaked out. And this guy's jovial. Guy, hey, how's it going? Goes right to sleep. Like, he's just prison, no big deal. A little Van Nuys jail anyway. Get up the next morning. They brought this food.

The most worst, the jail food is just, whatever. It's just a shittiest... Only time I've experienced in it. And it was the smell like shit. And I said, do you want this? burrito man it was like a breakfast breeder and he goes yeah hell yeah so because i figured make friends with a guy covered in blood right that's a good that's a that's a good smart play yeah good chess move i go uh i i just want to ask like what happened to you and he goes oh he's eating he's eating

oh yeah so i was uh i was at this bar last night and um hmm this is licking his fingers he goes anyway so i met the bar last night and this guy looked at my girlfriend and i put him through a phone booth this is good man you sure you don't want this and i put him through a phone booth and i put him through a phone We've got to tell people what those were. Yeah, a phone booth. Is there one on that picture back there anywhere? Possibly. Possibly, yeah.

A phone booth is a small rectangular booth that has a phone in it. Right. Yeah. And turns out if you throw people hard enough, you can put them through it. Yeah. Holy shit. So then the girls, so then like the cops come up at the end of the day and about an hour later and they go, hey, Titus, you're out.

And they're mad. They're pissed off. And I'm like, who's pissed off? The cops were mad that they were letting me go, which is. weird and I go okay and he goes he goes and as we're walking out my girlfriend who punched me is sitting there bailing me out and she

and the cops are trying to talk her out of it yeah because they want to the cop goes the cop goes they want to see what happened with the guy who gets fluttered in blood they go we have money on this there's going to be a cell fight with this guy with the Samoa guy and Titus I want to see how this goes and she goes and she goes and she goes

because she hit me and I and she goes you know we're going to go home we're going to work this out and I said no or not and I wear at a stoplight, and I got out. I just got out of the car and shut the door. And walked away? That was it, yeah. How far were you from your house?

Well, I lived with her, so I had to go back and get my stuff. At one point, she called me, this is how psycho, these psychos used to it. She goes, uh, she goes, you know, I bought you, that suit you have. You owe me $1,000. And guess what? I paid her. That's how scared I was never. So you asked for the worst story.

That's just the worst relationship story. Well, wait a minute, before we segue to the next one. No, I don't want to do another one. I do. But I just want to be clear You took a stance She punched you five times Right, she kept one, yeah

You got out of the car Yep And said F you We're done And then went home And rang your own doorbell And she let you in I well no I went to

I went home I went back I called him to my dad's I had to get my stuff out I had to clear to get my stuff I got my stuff at us And one car loaded it all in car And I drove that day I left

That day I left And drove back to Northern California Okay, everybody. It's springtime. It's time to get out of your hole, get out of hibernation. You're not a bear. You're a human. Get out and start living, doing stuff, gardening, cartwheeling, flying kites, all the things that you do in spring. Get to the gym, get work, but you want to smell nice. And that's why you're going to put on some mando. Okay? We have a special offer. customers get a $5 off starter pack with our exclusive code and link. Use the code Harland at shopmando.com. S-H-O-M-A-N-D-O dot com. The thing I like about Mando, it just smells really good. It's got a beautiful scent. You can feel it. It sort of goes on dry-ish, and it just, I don't know, it feels good. It's sort of almost refreshing, putting on a body odor thing, you know? So Mando's starter pack is perfect for new customers. It comes with solid stick

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You know, it's weird. It was like getting punched by a squirrel. It wasn't like bad. She was like, papp! You know, she was like five, two, p, and she would just hit you in the face. And I just remember thinking, there was a joke I did in the show. I said in the show about it when I told the story, I go. And I don't think a man should ever hit a woman until the fifth time she hits him,

and she punches him in the face. And the audience would, I built it. I love comedy because you can, if you build it right, you can take them to the weirdest place in the way with you. And you have to. I did a bit called Arm the Children, and I had them chanting Arm the Children at one point. Oh, damn. But you've got to, like, in, in, you don't want to ever hit a woman, but when you're getting wailed on by someone, at some point your brain goes, okay, that's enough. And then according to the law, you're allowed self-defense. Was there ever a moment where you went one more punch and daddy's hitting back?

I actually actually did that dad. I actually tell it in the start. I actually slapped her open-handed. And, you know, and I regret it. Because it wasn't as hard as I could have. call the Samoan yeah if only wow no but she was she was an epilogue to that story so yeah four years ago I'm in Long Island doing a theater and we're doing merch at the

I'm signing stuff for people and and there's a girl kind of girl in like a weird like a baseball hat and like I mean a like a page boy hat and then her two kids and there's two younger girls there yeah and she's waiting she's waiting

to talk to me so I get done signing merch you know and meeting everybody taking pictures and I go Hey, how are you guys doing? And she goes, you don't remember me, do you? And I go, no, I go, I go, no, Christopher Titus. She goes, we live together. She says it like that, we live together.

And I was like, these are my daughters. And I'm like, and I go, so I start to panic because this girl scared the shit out of me. Was it punchy? Yeah, it was punchy. I didn't, I got it at second. It was, I'm not going to, and so what happens is I grabbed a DVD. I grabbed Love is Evil.

And I go, thinking I was trying, I don't know what I was doing. because it's about love is evil as one of the stories is about her and I go I go here why don't you give this to your daughters enjoy this and she go I go there's a story about you in here and she says

why would I be in there and I was like oh it's not it's just a joke I got and I ran to the green room and told the security to till she left it was I didn't realize the PTSD I had from this girl

just that voice just that say to why would I be in But after all those years, why show... Dude. But why after all those years, why show up with that attitude? You know, like she still didn't have any concept of what went down. And what if she showed up and her two daughters took a shot at you?

Right, the three of them. Maybe they showed up as a gang. Maybe it was like, we got them now, we can take them, the three of us. Planned parenthood. Just smash. Dude, that's intense. How about on stage, though? on stage, you're like, dude, I'm going to, for people that haven't seen Chris, by the way, before I ask that, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Holland Highway podcast, let and gentlemen, I do it in Cajun.

I like it. Did you want to do it like a, woo. It's the Harlem Highway podcast. Woo! Boy. Folks, we got them. We got Christopher Titus here today. a comedian

what don't you do guy actor director I have a word for a movie I directed yeah and it's never paid off I'm still doing podcasts but I was I was gonna ask you do because when you say stand up

you to me are in a category of your own if you haven't seen Chris you got to go see him because you do stand up but you put it in this, you encase it in this, like, it's like a presentation stand up, like, it's a format that I've seen no one else do, and it's riveting. Well, okay, because you just, I was going for funny, but riveting, I mean, it's funny, but it's, it's riveting. Like, it's, it's just

like, it's funny as hell, but it's you, you like, it's, it's, it's almost like a, like a showpiece the way you, you present it. I didn't, remember, do you remember, do you remember, the decades, like, you and I've been doing this a long time. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So, do you remember the decades where they had, everybody was doing, everyone went through this one-man show phase? Yeah. But they stopped being funny. Like, they would tell these dark, horrible stories

with no jokes. Yeah. And it was like, and I remember seeing, the reason I started writing like that, years ago, I saw Lily Tomlin do signs of intelligent life in the universe. Yeah. And I saw it when she was still working on a notes when I was 19 or 20, 20, maybe 21. And I remember thinking, oh shit, I suck at comedy. Because she

was so good. Oh, wow. So, when I got, I started playing around with stuff, and then I wrote Norman Rockwell's bleeding, had a beginning, middle, and end to it. And I think that's what I always pick, I pick a beginning and an end, and then I fill in what the show's about. I can't write a show unless it's about something. Yeah. This new show I'm doing, doomed to repeat. I found out my family's been here since 1635. The Titus has been here, and we don't own anything. There's no land. There's no, that we didn't invent anything. I'm the most successful Titus. And again, I'm still doing podcasts. We've been here 400 years and nothing. And you're doing the,

It's all led to the Harland Highway? Yeah. Oh, God. I also found out we didn't own any slaves, which is great. You didn't own any? But, you know, I thought about it. It was a good thing. No, no, the Tituses didn't own any slaves.

Well, you didn't have any money. How could you? Exactly. That's what I'm saying. We probably wanted to. Yeah, you just couldn't. We were like, oh, man, the Stonewall Jackson's making those stupid. We've got to get some slaves.

We can't afford it. Well, let's pitch in and get one. No. And then we probably couldn't. Not for you. Not for the Titus's. to get like maybe a little person with one arm and a limp. Yeah.

And then we don't have any work to do because we didn't own anything. So we just basically had it bought a guy to hang out with. Wow. Gimp. Like, Gimp. Imagine instead of slaves, you just had gimp. We would have had, we would have been the first family get our slaves reponed.

Yeah, right. So I found that, so I start from the, like, so I was trying to, with what we just did with his last election. I didn't think he was going to win. I really didn't. I wrote the show. The Trumpster? Yeah. Will you even say his name?

Uh, I just, sweet, I call him sweet potato Hitler. I call him, uh, Asian orange. I call him whatever. I just don't. But you won't say his name. I don't say Trump, yeah. I don't give him. Okay, okay.

I didn't know, because some people are so passionately, like, forget it, but. I won't say it three times because then he appears. But, uh, he, he just, I started writing the show, and it was about. Can I challenge you on that to close your eyes and say it three times? Man, I'm really, doesn't that frighten all of us a little bit? Should we do it together? Ready? Say it three times?

times. Trump. Trump. Trump. Trump. Ah! Wow. That's his actual head size, too.

That's still smaller than the Stacey Keech's head for my TV show. Oh, yeah, I got to ask you about that. But yeah. So keep going. So I wrote the show about it. It was a weird way,

once I did a DNA test, which I think is a dumbest thing in the world. No one should do a DNA test. Why? Because, what are you doing it for? When we learned anything from these dystopian movies where some government takes your DNA and to figure out how the good human beings are and who's a, you know, you know. Yeah.

Yeah, who are. Now they know you killed that drifter in 07. Why would you give your DNA? You're right. I won't do it. No. And who, but I did. Wait, you did the Ancestry.com thing or something?

Yeah, I did it. Oh, you're regretting it. And we found out that, uh, well, what if you, there's other things, too. What if you find out your family has weird genetic diseases you don't want to know about, you know, like yourelobe cancer or testicle mold, right? And then you got to say, thanks, great. grandpa. That's why he smelled like grilled cheese. Dude, you're preaching to the choir. I did Ancestry.com, too. They make you spit in the thing

for your DNA. I had no idea. Turns out I'm the Hillside Strangler. Again, really. Some of us knew that. Yeah. You know why? It took us along to get you. It's because you're so good-natured. Yeah. I'm a happy-go-lucky serial killer. Strangler. Yeah. Happy-go-lucky strangler. Yeah. I want to... They strangle because I want to hear you laughing. So what did you? Wait, what did you find out when you did it? I found out we've been here 400 years. My 10th grade grandfather, Robert Titus,

was the head of the first family to get kicked out of the Massachusetts colony. That tracks. Like from the times the Titus showed up, but we had to deal with the bouncer, literally. Yeah, right. And so I wrote this show kind of, I'm not going to do the jokes for you,

because I think that would be bad taste on your podcast, but I wrote this show kind of based about, like, I'm a real American. Like, I'm really, like, before other Americans are here. And I end with this bid on immigration, and the last bit of immigration is about we're all immigrants and I've been here longer than any

my family's been here longer than almost anybody's and we're still immigrants From where? From England Silas Titus was actually in was friends with King Charles II and was actually in the court What?

And then Robert Titus obviously was the He's like, I'm going to America, I f this yeah, but it wasn't America yet but yeah 1635 Yeah so it's really it's really crazy So the last line was show Wow that's amazing The last line of the show is I talk about immigration

and people who hate immigrants and I say if you hate immigrants, if you had immigrants and you think that because you were here first that you get a change of rules, as someone whose family's been here since 1635, which means I was, my family was first, may I say, get the fuck out of my country. Good night, everybody.

You know, I did it in North Dakota. When I wrote it, I thought, I'm going to get my ass kick. This bit's going to get my ass kick. By the way, I know I'm writing well when I write a bit that this might get my ass kicks. When I wrote on the children, I thought, this is a little.

going to get my ass kicked. And I wrote this bit and I did it in North Dakota and they went nuts. I got a standing ovation. I think everybody's tired of it. So when you say I write from for something, I have to write. I can't just write a bunch of bits. I have to write to something. Yeah. That helps me. That's what I mean when when I watch your show. It's a journey. Like it's not just bit, bit, bit, bit, bit. And then you switch to another topic. You take it on a ride. And I sort of, when I've watched you do it, I just, I just get a little bit mesmerized, which is what I think is like really cool about. It's a different. I've seen so many guys, we both have. Your style is just so refreshing and unique. So if you ever get a chance to see

Chris, you got to go. If you guys want to watch them, I put for COVID, we were all screwed in COVID. I put them all up. I've got, I'm on my 11th, 90 minutes special. So they're all up, except for the new one, which is on my website. But if you go to Christopher Titus TV, I put them all up in perpetuity. I own them. I'm a big fan of Prince. Yeah. So, and I own my own stuff. So I, even the people that bought them, I said, no, I get the rice reverb back to me. So if you go to Christopher Titus

TV on YouTube, you can watch them. That's nice you to say. By the way, I respect you so much. So as you say about me that way, your freedom on stage to do the craziest shit I've ever seen, I envy so much, my. Thank you, brother. In fact, you inspired years

ago, before I changed, because I was a shitty comic that just did. You ever know this when you go to the store and buy stuff. You know, my shower has two settings, Arctic and lava. I was that guy. Yeah. And then I wrote Norman Rock was bleeding as basically a challenge for my manager. And then I changed everything.

And I remember one night watching you at the improv, just be you. And I got inspired. So we had a showcase like two weeks later. And in the middle of the showcase, it wasn't going like I wanted. So instead of going inside, I went, what would Harlem do? And I went crazy. And I walked into the middle of the improv. I stood on a chair, and I started screaming my act.

And it did not go better. I will say this, it did not go better. But I felt phenomenal. Jim, I just feel like that where you're so free, and you're like, you don't care. That's what I get from watching you sometimes. It's like, you don't care how are they reacting. Well, I'll tell you this, Chris, like sometimes I'll be in a full room and I'm bombing.

And I just, it's like what you said, I realize I'm bombing. There's no resurrecting it. So I just go, I'm the only one that's going to leave here feeling like hell tonight. So I'm going to have fun. And then I just go, now I'm doing the show for me. I'm having fun. And those are the shows I walk off and I feel like I'm on cloud nine. And it turns them to once they know you don't.

Yeah. Our audience is weird. Once they know you no longer care what they think, they're like, oh, fuck. And I wrote a joke about it. Sometimes when they won't go with me a second show Friday, I'll go, I go, listen, guys, you can stand on the curb or get on the bus, but I'm leaving. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love that. And that's kind of how, so my son started doing Stanley. He's doing okay. I just took him up to Eugene. There's a club in Eugene called Olson's. It's a great little club in Eugene Orring. You should do it.

What's it called? I think I did it. I just did it like in January. Isn't it great? It's really cool. Yeah. And he's just in the middle of Eugene Oregon. It's in a parking lot and a little building, like a flat little building. And I looked at the list and you were on it. And Kyle Canaan was on. I'm like, oh, I'm just proud to be on this list. You ever look at someone's calendar and go, oh, I'm proud to be on this? And what's cool is the guy who owns it as a comic. So he kind of handpicks who he wants there. So I'm honored that we were on it. It's like I feel kind of special that he has his favorite.

So my son got to do it. And one that, you know, he's still in that thing where he's still like, he's almost two years. And he's got about 12, 15 minutes. And it's good. He's got some good jokes. And he goes, what if they don't, what if they're not going? I go, you have to.

to play this in your head. And he goes, what? I go, fuck these people. I go, what does that mean? I go, you can no longer, they can't do what you do. So, and I, this is such a fine line. Guys, when people listening, don't get me wrong on this. Yeah. You have to love these people and at the same time, fuck these people. You don't get to decide. You know, I'm not going to change it up because you, you came to see me. This is what I do. You know this is what I do. And you have that too, right? Yeah, you got to bring them into your world. Yeah. If someone comes and sees you and goes, he's kind of weird. You go, you're an idiot then. Yeah. Yeah. Tidy, he's kind of intense. Yeah. Then you shouldn't have come to this show. This is the wrong show. Or just the fact that they

said that should tell them that, hey, there's something different here. Right. Like, if they go, this guy's intense, they should go, oh, wow, this guy's intense. Yeah. Like that should trigger something where they go, this is going to be different. Yeah. I was at, uh, back in the day, me and you used to do spots a lot at the Laugh Factory in Hollywood. Were you there around the time, Kirk Douglas, the famous iconic actor, his son, Eric Douglas, decided to do stand-up. I do remember this.

And one of the funniest things I've ever seen talking about anger on stage. Like, the Douglases kind of have that anger thing, you know? And so Eric would go up, and no one liked the guy. He was a little bit nutty. and he was a little bit of abrasive. He didn't really know how to talk to people. You're actually describing me. I don't like that you're describing me.

Yeah, you're right. Oh, God. Go ahead, tell the story. Go back into that Ancestry.com and see if you're a Douglas, will you? Impossible. But the poor guy, I saw that he had sort of alienate, and I just said, you know what, I'm going to befriend the guy.

I'm going to walk up to him be nice. And so he actually sort of ingratiated himself to me, and we were friends. and I'd watch him go on stage and he just didn't do it. I think his dad's name got him up on the stage and he just didn't have the stand-up gene. And I'll never forget one of the funniest things like he'd start to go up and bomb

and that Douglas anger would kick in. And one night I remember he just snapped. He did a joke and nobody laughed and he just, he was on stage and his eyes just filled with like wild and he just, and he took his belt off. He undid his belt and he goes, laugh you motherfuckers that's funny and he started whipping

the stage like but not it wasn't a bit he was literally it was one of the funniest things it was amazing that's incredible yeah it was so funny and then and then to add a cherry on top of the night so I'm the only one backer

how'd I do and I like oh it was great he goes hey listen I've got some friends down at one of the fancy hotels down on the sunset ship they're doing a karaoke night. Come with me. Can it get any better than that? And I said, okay, I'll go.

And I'm just playing along with the guy. So we go, and it's like a Beverly Hills, like not just karaoke, but Beverly Hills housewives in sequin gowns to do karaoke. Oh, no. A beautiful five-star lounge at a high-class hotel.

A white piano, chandeliers. Like, this was karaoke Beverly Hills. Live karaoke. It was a piano. They got playing a little. Oh, yeah, piano. And it was, and so here's these women who always wanted to be stars

and they're up there singing Barbara Streisand and Douglas comes up to me and he goes, I'm going up. Do you know how to play the piano? And I go, yeah, of course. I didn't know how to play. And he goes, this is what I love about you. You don't fucking know how to play the piano

and you say yes. It's like, it's the, you are the epitome of that yes man movie. Yeah, fuck man, that's crazy. And then he says, he goes, what do you know how to play? And I said, I know how to play that Terry Jack song, Seasons in the Sun. You know, we had joy, we had fun, we had seasons in the sun, right? So I didn't know how to play.

So he goes, oh, yeah, I know that one, yeah. Like, he knew it because we were both from that era. So I go up, I settle in on the piano. It's a microphone, everything. I would love to see you. You probably got ready. Oh, yeah. I was doing it all.

I did it all. He was like Liberacee, but straight. And I just started going, clang, clang, clang. And he, at first it sort of sounded like something. And he started going, we had joy. And then I'm just like, it's the same key. And he's like going, we had joy, we had fun. And you just see the thermometer rising.

He's like, what are you doing? And he took off his belt and sort of whipping the piano. Shoot. I buckled over laughing and all these, these Beverly Hills house. It was one of the funnest nights of my life just to see him rage. And he never did stand-up again.

I know. And then he died a little bit after that. This is what I remember. Stand-up is such a word thing. So my wife took on stand-up. She used to run clubs. Then she started giving me jokes whenever. And then when you see the stand-up gene,

like my son, like when he said, he wanted to stand-up. And I did not go, oh, that's awesome. I was like, oh, no, no, no, no, no. Oh, really? You were nervous? Not even nervous. I just like, like, people,

don't understand the psycho you have to be to be a stand-up. They don't understand the level of crazy you have to have. You see, okay, not this. That's your Hillside Strangler crazy. But imagine, like in music, you can disappear into music. Oh, like musicians

aren't psychos. Yeah, but you can disappear into it. On stage, listen, as a stand-up, you have to believe that you're going to be the smartest, funniest, most lovable, likable, best friend in the world, and you're going to do it in 15 seconds. Yeah. That's serial killer.

Like, thank God you're the Hillside Strangler. Yeah, it helps. It helps. Sometimes you just got to go murder somebody just to get, because I got to, like, why? Because I got to do Friday second show. Yeah, yeah. I need to go on. I need to loosen up.

I got to warm up. Wait, so, so that's, in a way that's got to be a bit prideful that he came to that on his own to be a stand-up. Yeah, I didn't push him at all. That's kind of neat. And then once you sort of got over the sticker shock to him saying, I want to do it, What was your feeling about it? You know, many of us don't know what to get our mothers for Mother's Day.

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That's Q-U-I-N-C-E-D-C-E.com. slash harland to get free shipping and 365 day returns quince.com slash harland. Come on, gang. Treat your mother sweet and nice this mother's day. Quints are up real good. Well, you know, it's funny. He's 20 now, so he listens, which is weird to be a father and have your son listen about stand-up. And he, you know, it's funny, he didn't watch me in my shit. He, like, his whole life. Oh, wow. And I go, I go, well, you know the special I did about it.

And he goes, what's special? And I go, they're all on me. What's it? He goes, ah, he goes, I like Mitch and I watch these other guys. And I go, didn't you see love is evil? And he goes, well, I haven't had a relationship yet. I was going to save that from when I had my heartbroken. He goes, I heard that's the one that's going to.

And so he had his heartbroken last year. Okay. And he, he's like, dad, it's the best special. Oh, my God, thank you. Oh, well, how did that make you feel being his dad? That's the biggest fear of that he's going to watch it and go, Dad, you're really, you know my favorite is? I love Jim Gaffigan.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow. And then you become the Hillside Strangler. Exactly. What happened to your kid? What kid? Yeah. So he, but he's writing good jokes, man.

Yeah. He'll call me with new jokes. And he's not going by Thai. I said, don't use my name. And he goes, why. I go, well, it's just, it's bad both ways. I see, yeah. If you say your last name's Titus,

And then people go, your dad helped you with the bit. And if you suck, then it's like, oh, my God, your dad's good and you suck. Because I go, you can't win. Yeah, that's true. That's smart. So he just goes it by his first name. And I watch him, man.

He opened a theater for us. We did the Crest Theater. It's interesting. Oh, so he did a show with you? I brought him off a couple times, yeah, let him. But I had to go watch him. I was going to the world. Just so you know, Harlan.

By the way, people, when you're going to do stand-up, everybody thinks it's a, you can, I hate guys that go. I think I'm going to try stand-up. Anybody who says, I think I'm going to try to stand up, it has to burn in you like a, like, it has to hurt. Like you have to have to do things. A calling. Yeah, you want it.

Yeah, that's not makes it sound big, but you have to be like, I am so damaged inside. I need to get on stage where somebody fucking listens to me. See, you're interesting. That's where we're goofess and gallant. Really? Because you come from the damaged side, which you hear a lot of. Yeah.

And I've had a lot of people say that, like kind of broad stroke comedians. But then I know I don't come from that side, and I'm still doing it, too. So it's weird. Like, I guess what I'm saying is I think it can come from both sides. But why do you like doing it, though? What I was going to say is, to me, it's going to sound hippie-dippy, like, hokey-pokey. But for me, it was... Really, is it going to sound odd?

From coming from you, that's weird. Okay. All right. Yeah, I like to stick a riceroni to the wall and eat walrus beef, and then I came to me. No, I, uh, it for me was always like a, like a spirit, like a calling since I was a little boy. It was, it was like a spirit and a voice. So it never came from, from, uh, any sort of, uh, dark or, or like kind of nefarious place. Yeah. It came from actually a place of sort of joy and happiness and, and just this like a ghost living inside me. So at five, I decided I

would do this stand up. And I used to, I used to go to sleep, listen to Cosby. I didn't know at five, what a rapist was, though. So I listened to it, you know, innocently. He's one of the funniest rapists, though, isn't he? You got you, yes, I will say that. It can make a story, and I remember making a decision. I was living by my crazy mom, and we were living in North Hollywood. And I remember at five years old listening to my brother Russell, whom I slept with,

I wonder if he roofied his brother. Anyway, and, and I remember deciding at five years old, this is what I'm going to do. Wow. And it didn't come out of anger. My comedy ended up being about anger because that was all I had. That was my life. I love that. That was all that.

I'm so fascinated by your life, like that, that anger, because it's true, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's not, it's not, it's not that I'm angry, but I've noticed, like, my, uh, okay, so I did a story, but my mom shot and killed her third husband. She did? Yeah, she said, last husband. I say last husband, I said, you don't get another one after that. They take you out of, you guys said you guys were English, though. They take you out of the husband wishbook. Well, English, what do you mean? No, yeah, in 1635.

Okay, but she shot the guy? She shot him, yeah. Sure she's not Samoan? No, she didn't put him through a phone booth. Okay. She shot him. Sounds violent. Wow, that's heavy.

Well, I wrote about it. Well, she actually, the guy was a bad, the joke I would do is he was, he was an oil rig worker. You know, he was, whatever town my mom would move to, she would move into a town, and she'd always attract the alpha loser of that town. Wow. This guy was half O.J. Simpson and half O.J. Simpson. He was a bad guy. And so she put the, this is the story of my sister told me, my sister, when Kirsten was there,

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This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping. Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back. out. He beat my mom up, crushed her orbital bone. She went upstairs, got his gun, came down, and shot him

three times. And I looked it up. Oh, no, no, wait, sorry. She threw the turkey across the room. She countered with the boiling pot of potatoes, which I look, it's in the domestic violence desk reference. That is the right response. Wow. Then he beat her up, and she went upstairs, got his gun, came down a shot

a few times, and my sister, Kirsten told me, if she was there, she said, as he was dying, Kirsten said, we should call an ambulance. And my mom said, no, no, no, wait. She stood there and waited until he died. Wow. Yeah. I do a very funny. I do a very funny bit about it in one of my specials.

Wow. Not even O.J. brought boiled potatoes into the murdering. Well, I mean, like Thanksgiving. That's the day you have the big family in shooting, I think. And so that's, I didn't live with her at that time. This was your mother. It was my mom, yeah. My mom, yeah.

And she. Not many guys can say their mother's a murderer. Does that feel good? Well, let's talk about it. So she got arrested, she went to trial, she got acquitted, and she got the guy's $100,000 life insurance policies. So can we call her a murderer? Can we call her a murderer genius? Maybe, maybe.

Wow. Manslaughter-ish. Yeah, woman slaughter-ish. Nowadays. Nowadays, you got, you can. Person slaughter. Person slaughter. Person slaughter.

It was person-slaughtish. But that's, I mean, not to make a light of it, but guy it. I did a special. Yeah. I told the story in a special. That's the problem with, like, my comment. you say it goes through this, like, isn't it, someone always goes, how do you write about that? If you can lead them down the right, our job is to lead them down a weird road, or at least

what I do, lead them down a dark road that they're okay with, and then I never leave them there. I never leave them there, you know. I'm just fascinated that, you know, because some kids could say they have a soccer mom or their mom's a receptionist, but to tell the kids at school your mom's a murderer? She had a 185 IQ. She tested at 185. Is that good? That's really good. That's, like, genius level. But she was also manic dresses schizophrenic. So she was, so it's weird to have, and I remember, I live with her.

I ran away when I tell a story in this, my new special, Karen Monsters, which is available right now at Christopherotidus.com. Oh, I love that sexy voice. I don't want to see the comedy. I just like the voice. You just seduced me. So my mom shot and killed a guy. It's a lot better when you say like that is.

Now I want her to shoot and kill me. You're not lying. Yeah. Can we get some video? So, so I tell a story. But I ran away when I was 12 So my life's pretty extreme Like I didn't just run away

Most kids grab like a They get a hobo stick And a sandwich And they take a hot wheel And they go walking on the street And then they turn around and come home What'd you get? I got up that day

I had my 20 bucks I got to, I was first day of eighth grade I went to the bus stop All the kids got on the bus bus stop All the kids got on the bus stop And he just like drove away He was like I walked a mile to the freeway On ramp and I started hitchhiking

And I got picked up by this flaming gay guy And I'll never forget this man in an orange Chevy Chavette with flowered seat covers and this guy oh yeah you got to be gay to drive that no I'm just saying like I was a little kid and I was 12 I'd never forget and he gets and he's this guy is he just goes he goes well is the fetus on the freeway what are you doing here and I get in the car with him and I go and I he goes he goes what are you doing and I go well you know my mom and dad don't get along I got to I always hitched to the airport I'm the 12 year old line it's obvious I'm the shittiest liar ever we pull it on the freeway

and he says can't go and he can't go and he He goes, first of all, I want you to know you're lying. You're full of shit, and sorry for swearing. He goes, but, so here's what's going to happen next. I am going to either, I'm going to, you're going to tell me what's really happening, or I'm going to get off this exit and I'm going to a police station. Do you understand? And I was like, and I'm busted.

This kid totally busts me. Wow. And I was like, yeah, how come, you know, you get told in your life, don't hitchick, you're going to get murdered and raped, and I get this guy? Yeah. I get Mother Teresa Freddie Mercury. That's who picks me up? Yeah, what the hell?

You were like prime for the pluck. And this guy... I told him what happened. This guy drove me... I told him my dad the night before my dad, my mom... It was a much longer story

but what had happened to the night. I told him that happened the night before. He drove me all the way to San Jose Airport, stayed with me till I got on a plane to go to live with my mom and I live with my mom from the time I was...

I tell the whole story in the news special. It's really funny story, actually. And then I flew down and I lived with my mom for two years. Because my dad, I didn't know my mom. She was just crazy. You know, my dad's like,

the crazy bitch! Well, a murderer. Well, this is no. Let's not say crazy. Let's say murder. Let's say, well, let's not demeanor with crazy. This is pre-merder. She's a murderer. Well, she had it in her. At this, yeah, well, at this point, she'd stabbed the two people. That's what I'm saying. Just in a thing. It's not call her crazy, please. Can we stick with, she's earned a murderer.

All right. Now. Christopher, show some respect for your mother. She was just an assalter at that time. An assalter. Yeah, at that point. The murdering came later. By the way, before you, can we call your next special fetus? on the freeway. That's the best line I've ever. Fetus on the freeway.

The guy was so, he was so, and my dad was such like a tough dude. And he was like, and this guy was the opposite of everything my dad was. Well, what I'm amazed is he did, A, he sounds like he didn't purve on you, but B, did you even know what a gay guy was at that age? Gay people aren't, gay people aren't per. No, but I'm talking about the picking someone up hitchhiking.

Do you often get the, they pick people up to do nefarious things. Here's what a good guy, this guy was. He saw a little kid, he saw a 12-year-old on the freeway on-ramp, hitchhiking. He was like, what the fuck is this? And picked me up to, like, why are you hitchhiking? Like, the first question he asked him was, what's going, why are you, why are you out here? Oh, I'm a mom and dad. I remember trying to deepen my face.

I probably sounded. Here we go. So I'm like Elmo on helium. I probably said, hey, hi, my mom and dad, you know. It was just probably horrible. It sounded like a fetus on the freeway. me all the way to the airport, stayed with me. Wow! He bought me a book

on Evil Caneval, because I was waiting. Because I loved Evil Caneval. You look a bit like him, by the way. Well, he was like my dad. My dad, you know, my dad, you know, I met him once. Except my dad jumped to women. You met Evil Canneville? I met Evil, and I watched him jump 13 Mac trucks. Come on, you're lying. I wouldn't,

when, no, when? So when I was, I don't, we'll go right back to your story, but you need this. You're jacked. Like, you want to hear the Caneval story. You're not lying. This is for you. He's a hero. Do you remember the movie with George Hamilton? Dude. It's one of the best movies ever. Dude.

Yeah. Dude. Right? Dude. I'm this close to killing your mother. Shut off and let me tell the story. My dad, when I was a young man, my dad, not to sound snooty, but my dad had a plane. Oh, my.

And he liked to fly around. And one time he took me up and we flew down from Toronto, landed in Detroit. We land in Detroit. and I look over and there's a Lear Jet. And on the side of the Lear Jet, it says, Evil Knievel, and there's a mural of him doing a catwalk on his bike. And I go, Dad, and my dad pulls up right beside it. We get out, freaking evil-Knevel walks down.

There's no one else around because we're on an airfield. You're on a private air. We're on a private air stress. Exactly, Mr. Howell. And I said, can I go up? over and I go over and he's wearing the white thing, the white bell bottoms. He even wore it on the plane. That's awesome. He had it on. He had it on. I remember. It was unbelievable. I was just like, oh, it was like seeing. Because like you, I loved it. Yeah, loved him. I mean, he was a true

daredevil in a time when people didn't do what he did. American hero. Yeah. And so this guy walks down. I walk up and I go, Mr. Knievel, can I have you? What was the Elmo voice? Mr. Knavok. What's the freeway fetus voice? Mr. Knievel, can I have your autograph, please? And the guy... That's a weird voice coming out of you. Yeah, that's not right. But the guy, he whips out, I guess he's so used to, he whips out this pad, and it's these little rectangle photos of him jumping.

Right. Rips it out, writes evil can evil across, he gives it to me, and I'm just like, holy shit. I go home, I hang it on my way. wall by my bedroom where I had no curtains. In about three months, it was bleached, and you could hardly see his signature anymore. I thought, oh, well, those signatures right there. All I got to do is write over it with a pen. But I didn't know that when people sign, it's a flow.

So I'm going evil can. So it looks like someone with Parkinson's wrote it. And you're like, I got a signature. That's not his signature. Do you get him after the accident? Did you ask him while after he crashed at Caesar's Palace? while he was still lying there. Hey, everybody, it's Parkinson's Knievel.

It's evil Parkinson's. So that was my first encounter, and then my dad... I'm sorry, you had two? Two. Oh, come on. Are you ready? I'm very upset. I know.

I'm envious. I mean, here's you hitchhiking and Liberachi picks you up. And here I am rubbing shoulders with the Knievel. Here's me hanging with the evil. With the Knieve. Yeah. Hanging with the Knieve. The Eve Knieve.

So then my old man's a politician, so he gets a lot of tickets to things, right? Right. So the Knieve comes to Toronto to jump 13 Mack trucks. Wow. Big John gets him and his daughter's seats front and center to watch the Knieve. Knieve's going to do it. But not only to the warm up, you know how we have opening acts? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So the warm up act for the Knieves before he came out and did his big. thing because it's just it's over in 30 seconds right so the warm up backwards he knew how to do a show oh yeah wheelies and come on oh yeah he'd do he'd do a few like he'd give you about five six minutes and pretending to warm up but but because they needed to fill the space before he came out they had the thing called the hell riders and it was dodge chargers and challengers and all those old muscle cars and these guys would come out about about eight or ten of them riding up on two wheels and it was like an air show on the ground. Joey Chitwood snunk her.

There was a guy named Joey Chitwood did this too. Is that who was? In the States, yeah. Yeah, up there they called them the Hell Rider. So you had hell, evil, Knievel, and your mom came out and did some juggling. So we had evil, Knievel, hell.

Satan, Titus came on. And a murder. Murder, mama. A lot of dare devil shit going on. But, dude. Don't throw, she would throw a turkey. She would throw a turkey. So here we are, dude.

and, you know, most people, what do they say? They go to see the crash, right? You don't want him to crash. It wasn't, didn't you noticed, though, you didn't want Evil Caneval to crash. You sort of didn't. But you sort of... Because we'd seen it enough of it.

Yeah. But the fact that he'd crashed so many times and still had the balls to do it. So here we go, 13 map trucks. He lost the balls. Yeah, he lost the balls. He had the lower ankle, the four columns of his back, one spleen.

And he had the courage. but the balls were gone and I think he lost those and crashes. Yeah. So here we go. 13 Mac trucks had never been done

and he just glides over it like like a blink. He just went perfect. No, didn't even wobble. That's awesome.

And we were like, ah, but we're also like, oh, okay, I guess we'll go home now. The evil's over. You know?

The Canease is done. Yeah, but it was great. So anyways, I had to, when you said evil. Did you meet him again or just at the plane? I never met him,

But the meeting was first, and then I saw him do the jump as a boy. It's always funny. And now I hear they're doing a whole movie about him now, a new movie with... Who's doing it? I forget who's cast in it, but they're doing a whole, like, evil-can-eval movie now. That George Hamilton movie, when I was a kid, was my favorite movie. Really? Because he was such a rebel man.

Yeah, yeah. Well, you're a hot rod guy. Like, you love hot rods. I'll never forget me. I was over working at DreamWorks. And do you remember that day I was working over there, and you came over to do a pitchman? meeting, and I met you in the garage, and you pulled in...

For a movie, they kind of did, which is really... I came with a whole pitch for an animated film, and they kind of did it. Jeez. Yeah. That's all right. Yeah. Yeah, it's all right. Welcome to Hollywood. Yeah. But you pulled in in some kind of retro friggin... My 56 Chevy. Sparkling clean.

56 Chevy. It was gorgeous. It was like, if Stephen King's Christine was there, what a date raped it. Like, it was... Definitely. Chip Fuss built that. Chip Fuss was a good friend of mine and he's the best car builder and designer. Him and his dad did that car.

And that was the dumbest... It was a beautiful car. Best car ever. Gorgeous. Lost it in the divorce. Oh, no. Well, you know what else happened that day? Do you remember?

It's like you pulled in and then it died. It died in the garage and you're like, here's this beautiful car and you're like, it won't start. And I was like, oh. I think we fixed it. Yeah, I think it was...

You got it going, I think. But I remember. And I was like, This is the, this is, do you find that's the thing with old hot rods and cars that maybe they're, yeah, there's a part of it that you, that you do because, yeah, there's a, yeah, it's, it's, it's, it's like, like having an old man that just decides, I'm fucking, I'm fucking, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm just, yeah, yeah, we're not going, bah, we'll just stop. Yeah, no, we're not doing it now. Yeah. We're already here. Ah, fuck it. I know. I know. I changed my mind. And that's what sucks, because it's such an IP, it's such eye candy. And then you're like, oh, shit, not you. The Prius can die, but not. But not. But not. But not. You, but not. But Not this. With my life, I've told you life, I don't get embarrassed. You can't be real with mom, with the killing and the hitchhiking. Once the murder and the punching in the face.

Nothing really, nothing really, really hard to embarrass me. Really hard to me, go, I feel shame. Nah. No. Hey folks, are you ready to boost your brand with a stunning new website? I'm talking stunning, like supermodel stunning. further than UDU. In just a few clicks, you can create a modern professional website that stands out and it's

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do. One thing that we have really in common, we've never talked about this, I don't think, but me and you were kind of lucky in the 90s. We were a couple of the rare comics that got our own sitcom. I got it. I got the deal in 99, and the show debuted in 2000, yeah. Yeah, and I think while yours was running,

the Chris Titus show, I got my first sitcom. This was called Simon. I did it with Jason Bateman. Yes. I remember Simon. And I remember me and you were like kind of, I think there was one other guy. We'd go to things. I remember we'd run into each other at the TCA's and stuff. Yeah. And I remember seeing you at the club. And so I never picked your brain about that. But was that to have your own sitcom with yours had your name on it too. Were you a writer on yours? No, I never wrote one. But I was the star of it. And they sort of built it around my brand of comedy, I didn't end up being happy with the direction it went in the end, but I always wanted to ask you. I'm surprised I haven't asked you all the time we've known.

Was that a good experience for you? Did it go well? Or was it, was it tumultuous and combative? Or was it like? Well, only because I was involved in it. At times, it was tumultuous. Because, again, I was taught. That's how you handle shit. Yeah. So I had two deals before. You had deals before, too, where that didn't turn in anything, didn't you? No, what happened is I got, that was my first deal. And then the deal started coming in once they saw me on TV. Like, then everyone was like, we want that guy, we want that guy.

And he's so lovable. I'm not like this tightest asshole. Here's what happened. Yeah. I had two deals before. They wouldn't let me write. I've been writing scripts for a while. Yeah.

And they hired this guy to write, and we had a big meeting about what he'd written. And it was, and I'd give him a bunch of ideas. Here's what I want to do. And he wrote, so the idea ended up being. We ran a hot rod shop, but I was dating these, me and my Latino buddy were dating these two twins, but they kept switching, so they would always date us differently. Yeah, yeah.

And I was like, that joke's going to last one whole episode, maybe. So in the meeting, I go, I go, I go, you're fired. We're not doing this. I said it in front of everybody. This is who I used to be. And he goes, and the head of the guy, a big guy running this company, he goes, you can't do that. And I was like, then I quit, and I walked out.

Well, this was the first show? this was no this was the deal before that so oh okay this wasn't the chris titus show then and titus came around i wrote norman rock was bleeding went to montreal did really well and i got tycho and then we we pitched it as a show and i said i won't do the show unless and this is where people if you want to get into show business or want to do anything in life there's a point you have to decide this is what you're going to do because when i tried to fit in and tried to make it try to try to let me do what you guys want yeah never works this is great advice fucking never worked So I said, this is the show I want to do.

We're going to do black and white. We're going to do flashback, single camera, black and white. We're going to do four cameras, sitcom, and mix it. You know, George Burns did it years ago, and no one's done it since. We're going to do it. And so they kept telling me, I can tell you the risk rock story. Here's a, here's a, you want a good TV thing? Yeah.

All right. So I go to this network. I don't know if she's still there. It happened to be NBC at the time, or a name of a network that sounds like NBC. Yeah. So I go there. We pitch the show. it's my screwed up life my mom

kills a guy like I pitched the first episode's called Dad is Dead because my dad had a heart attack my dad had six heart attacks and six one finally killed him during one of his heart attacks he thought he had the flu and stayed in bed so my brother who's living at the house at the time

calls me in L.A. and he's like I think Dad's dead and I'm like oh my I was living down I was living in West Hollywood I'm like oh my God dad's dead he goes yeah I think he's dead and I go why do you keep saying I think he said he goes because he's in his room and he hasn't come out for three days and I'm like well go check on him he goes no what if he's dead

So we have this stupid conversation, and I finally have to call my aunt, who's in our end, to go over to see my dad. My dad had a heart attack, thought he had the flu, and decided to sleep it off. Wow. Slept off a heart attack.

So because of that real story, I had this idea for the episode of Dad is Dead, where basically we spend the whole episode trying to go into the room and we can't. And then the last five seconds, Stacey Kitch comes out. And I wanted to build a character like Archie Bunker where when he came out,

We had built them up so much that you were like, oh, shit, this guy's going to kill me. So I pitched that to this meeting at this network that sounds like NBC. NBC, yeah. It's not NBC, it sounds like NBC. It sounds like it, yeah.

It sounds like it, yeah. So, and I pitched the whole story out, and she goes, and the woman goes, that's amazing, that's great. You know, we, and I go, it's a little edgy, you guys share up with the different film styles of something? They go, you know what?

She goes to her desk, and on her desk, you know, there was a place in the mall, people called the successories, where you could buy, like, like inspirational pictures. Yeah, yeah. And she had this rock on her desk, and she slams the rock down at the coffee table in front of me

in this meeting room and goes, and it says risk on it. And she goes, that's what we're about at NBC. And I'm like, hell yeah. My manager and I walk out. I'm like, holy crap. He's like, dude, I've never had a meeting like that. We got a deal. Two days later, we get a call.

She goes, we pitched it to the people at, and they said it's too edgy for us. And here's me. I call my manager, and I go, God damn it. I go, you tell her, send me that risk rock. I'm going to put it in a box, and I'm going to return it to the store. He's like, you need to calm the fuck.

down. That's what I used to do. Wow. So we go to Fox and we pitch it and we pitch it the 20th and Mindy Shulteis and Michael Hale, great people. And they, and we pitch it out and they go, are you sure this will work? I go, I guarantee you we will be laugh out loud funny. And I go, but if you don't want to do it, okay. Okay. Huh. And I said, but thank you guys for having us here. I really, I love pitching the show and thank you. Got up to walk out and my manager goes, I have never seen anybody go, if you want to do it or not, okay, no big deal. Walk out. Got a call the next day and they gave us these great writers, Jack Kenny and Brian Hargrove and they went and watched Norman Rocko. I had filmed it. I took the last $8,500 I had. Wow. And I had done the Hudson Theater on Tuesdays and Wednesdays. I couldn't even afford like a weekend.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was doing Tuesdays and Wednesdays for like four weeks. Homeless people in the audience? It would, dude, it really was. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So... The janitor. Yeah, the janitor. He was our sound guy. I couldn't afford a sound guy. So he was like, Phil, can you get on this?

Yeah, yeah. The knob, just slide the knob up. So we did it, and someone from Fox came and saw it, and we had 16 people in the audience, and that's how I got the meeting. And they called these guys Jack Kenny and Brian Hargrove in, and they had watched the tape we did of the show. And this is what I love when people, when people are really good, they do the work.

They had done a yellow legal pad all the way through of every, I made notes of every story of what to do. And then I pitched him, Dad is Dead, and they said, wow, so the head, the father character's not around? And he said, last five seconds. He's in the last five seconds, and that's it. They said, all right, let's talk about that. They wrote a script, wouldn't let me write.

They said, they wrote a script, and then I didn't, I said, no, this is not what I want to do. And they said, all right, you write a script then, like kind of, and I wrote, I wrote a pilot. Yeah. I gave it to him, and they called me, and they go, we're going to, we need to come to our house in a couple days. They read my pilot, they went to Fox, and they said, we, we, have rarely work with a writer like this, he needs to be an executive

producer on the show with us. They did it and they came and told me and then we took the two scripts and made the pilot and the pilot to this day, debuted with a 20 share, still one of the best debuts Fox ever had. Wow. Yeah, and I fucked it up later by having the attitude that I have.

I told the story before. Oh, wow. Yeah. I just got tired, man. I was writing on the show. I was acting on the show. I just, when you're doing all of it and then they were, they go, he got a good, you got to do, politically incorrect with Bill Maher. You're going to go to tonight show. We need you to write something with the TSAs.

And I remember being very tired. Yeah, it's a lot, man. I don't see you ever be snippy. Do you ever get snippy? Very, very rarely. Yeah. Yeah. I very rarely am not snippy.

I know. That's what I love. We are a cop show. We are a really cop show. We would be a good cop show. Was it cool working with a actor like Stacey Keech? because he was sort of like a bona fide, like, you know, they were sort of grooming him to be sort of Brando-esque

in terms of his acting chops. I mean, the stuff he'd been up for and stuff he'd done, yeah, he was not even grooming, he was. He was a real true actor, yeah. He is the, we did two episodes. If you guys, if you guys, Christopher Titus TV guys, we did two episodes over COVID where I got the whole cast together

because they never let me wrap the show up. Oh, wow. Because I'd pissed off the network president. So, and we had three presidents in three years. Everybody came in and tried to change a show. And I was like, nope. That's not happening, because that's the bad part of me. And so I got Stacey and the whole crew together,

and I wrote a script that ended up being two episodes, and we did the finale. If you guys go to Chris Retiree's TV, you can see the finale. Because I have a studio in North Hollywood. Yeah, I've been there. We filmed the whole thing there, and we built sets, and it looks just like the show.

It's pretty crazy. That's amazing. Yeah, man. Good for you, man. Yeah. Just one more big question. So about Stacey Keech. Yeah.

When you work with a dude Okay, so Robert Hawkins You don't call Robert Hawkins comic From years ago? I don't think so I used to ring comics in I brought Jim Hopin and about guys on the show Because I wanted comics on the show

And they go, we need writers They are fucking writers They have to eat They have to literally write a joke so good That they know they can pay their rent Yeah These other guys are writing whatever they think And they have a contract

These guys have to do So I bring these guys in Robert Hawkins wrote the best joke For the show Here's how good Kich was Kich pissed me off Because he would make the setups It's funny.

Oh, wow. So the episodes, I painted his car. I went to a hot rod shop. I painted his car, and he got busted by the cops. Based on a true story, my father, I painted my dad's car, custom painted it. He got, this is a true, based on a true story. He got arrested for drunk driving. Of course.

Went to, spent the night in jail, didn't call anybody. Came home. Two days later, he didn't know this, but they were doing one of those, it was like, it was like a memorial there something. Hey, if you're out there driving on the road, they were doing a news thing. If you're out there's driving on the road right now, man, be careful because there's checkpoints all over. Well, my dad's car, the news guys used because it was so cool.

I painted it. It's so cool. They wanted to use it as the background. So you're watching my dad on the news, touching his nose, doing the fucking, and it's like, so my dad thinks he gets away with it. Doesn't tell anybody. Spends a night in jail, comes home, doesn't tell anybody. Two days later, neighbor comes over and goes, what's up, Hollywood?

And he goes, yeah, we saw you on TV two nights ago. So we named the episode, What's the Hollywood. So we set up that thing I painted my dad's truck He gets bused for drunk driving He's yelling at me in my shop He goes This car got me got me bused for drunk driving

I go no maybe you got That the line is maybe you got Bus for drunk driving because you were driving truck and he goes no Me driving this car I'm like a black guy driving a powder donut And the audience And it was so weird

We're in the studio even though the sitcoms were The audience laughed And they thought it's racist Then they went no it's not racist It's against cops And it was just And we stood there, there's an outtake of it

where the laugh is so big, we have to cut. Oh, wow. I love so big, and I'm standing in, I got an eye, and Stacey, and we're just staring at each other waiting

for the goddamn people to stop laughing. Oh, that's the best. And I just threw my hands up and walked off. That's the best. Yeah, Keach was, to this day, we called him the cutter, because he would come in, cut out some hard laughs,

and walk off the stage. Wow. Wasn't it great working with really seasoned, deep-cut, professional actors like Keech and Zach Ward was great in at David Chetra, Cynthia Watros, yeah

professionals, yeah. Yeah, when you get with those real, like, that's what they do, they're actors, they're not doing multi-fed. They're just like, you know, I did an episode of Vegas with James Kahn. Oh, come on, man. Yeah, and I got to, you know, I got to do a movie.

Over my career, I did a movie with Dustin Hoffman. I did one with Richard Dreyfus. I, you know, I've been able to act across, from, from some great actors. And my point I was going to make is... And I came in here, I came in there feeling good about myself

and no longer. Thank you. No, no, no. Listen to more people. Hi, it's Christopher Titus. Welcome to Harlan Williams in the name drops of the show. Who else have you worked with,

Harlan? That would make me feel like my career hasn't gone very well. Sir Lawrence Olivier. Oh, very nice. Very nice. But, no, my point... I'm carving my name in my arm right now,

Arlenk that keep more names. Boy, gonna say is when you get in with those seasoned old trained actors it was i used to describe it as all the crew and all the lights and even the set it would vanish it was almost like it was blackness and them because i don't know what it was they were just trained they were so good at like that that it's almost like they pulled you into a tractor beam and i loved it i loved acting with my other actors but But when you got with those seasoned guys, it just, it's almost like being pulled into a dream. I loved it.

That is very sure. We got, Jane Lynch was on the show. We did Ed Begley Jr., but there was a, I had a moment with David Hyde Pierce that I am, to this day, I'm embarrassed about. Why? We're doing an episode, I did this seminar called the Landmark Forum. So we wrote an episode about Titus loses this thing. He starts drinking again, loses the shop, everything, and they end up going to the seminar. And David Hyde Pierce played the seminar leader.

Okay. And there was a point, what a fucking idiot. I'm going to tell you the asshole. Here's Christopher Titus, asshole story. One of them. There's a lot. There's a lot. There's a lot.

I should just write a book. Hey, I'm an asshole. I get it. There would be a nice book. You just need a new show now. You need the updated Christopher Titus show, man. So here's what happens. He's doing something in this thing.

And I go, and I take David Hyde Pierce's side. At this point, he has, like, his Emmys are holding up his couch. He's using Emmys as the links to. couch and he goes, and I go, Dave, what if you could do it this way? And he goes, yeah, I don't see it that way. I like to do it this way. He's very polite. He's super nice. And I go, well, you know what I'm thinking of? And I start going, I go, I have a little bit more on this and he goes, hmm, you know what? I think, and he's so polite. He's so nice. And it goes on and he keeps saying no in different polite ways. And at one point, I realized, my voice in my head

just goes, dude, shut the fuck up. You're talking to David Hyde Pierce. And I went, you know what, man uh you're right i'm sorry i can't and i walked away oh wow god he was probably one no away from just going shut the eff up what that's what i felt like the room because those actors have it where you're like oh something the rooms change why is the room changing oh i'm about to get punched like my girlfriend just to punch me by david hyde pierce yeah that's the that's the magic of them man that they they they have a way to kind of control the energy yeah keats would walk in a room and change the room that's amazing yeah oh you're lucky you got to act with them All right, you're ready for our final segment, buddy?

This has been amazing, dude. I've talked too much, I know. No, I love it. This is great. Oh, my God. What is this? This is a Dutch clog. Got it.

Inside are a bunch of random words. It's called Words from a Wooden Shoe. You pull in. Of course, it is. You reach and you grab a word and see if it triggers a story from your journey in life, someone you knew from you. All right. And see if it...

What possible words could be in this? They're just randos. They're all rando words, so Most exotic event The most exotic event I went to Barstow Oh, dude, say no more End it right there

There's an abandoned gas station Most Exotic event I ever went to Man, that's a weird one I, all right, I tell you story about my dad Yeah Another episode based on the ties I took my dad to the Bahamas He had like four heart attacks

And I was like, I was doing well in comedy And I was like, I'm going to take him with me I need to know this guy You know, I'd gotten some insight I didn't hit And we're gonna go hang out And we'll spend my time with my dad I get to know my dad

Well, he's a big gambler So we go to, like, of course We land, he's not He's not hanging out with me at all He's at the blackjack table The whole fucking time Immediately. Whole time

And so at one point I call my wife At the time I'm like, He won't even hang out with me We're like we're at paradise He won't even do it He's just fucking he just all day Like literally hours She goes well go hang out with him

So I go sit next to him at a black. I go, all right, right. And I go sit down next to him when you start playing. I put a counterbook down, and he loses. And he goes, I sat with him for five minutes, and he goes, get away from me, your bad luck. That's literally, that happened. And that ended up an episode of the show where,

and we didn't have to say, put that back in the clock, just the case. Yeah. The network said, we didn't have some of my dad, except I wrote it that my dad died in the show and we do this episode where he goes through space to the pearly gates and they turn the lights off they won't let him in.

Of course. In the show, we're doing all this religious imagery and I go, hey, I go, when we go to this meeting for the notes, they're going to fucking say we can't do this. And so we're waiting, all the writers are in the writing for the network to go. You guys can't do this.

And the head of the studio goes, the guy who's our current guy goes, you're in the Bahamas, right? And we go, yeah, and we're going to wait for like, they're going to drop the hammer. We're going to have to rewrite this whole episode. He goes, Cynthia's going to be wearing a bikini, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And we go, uh, yeah. And he goes, okay, do me a favor. Make sure you send the bikini in our office over to my office. I want to make sure we see if it's big enough. And I was like, what about him going to heaven and I'm shutting the doors of heaven to me? They were like, yeah, that's fine. Yeah.

But he wanted Cynthia's bikini in his office. I've got to verify those things, well. but that's show business you think it's just being a bunch of creative people sitting around and yeah that all comes down to the bikini every time

last question is it really are there's going to be more there's going to be more no this is it I'm tired of hearing me talk go ahead no but when your dad

said get the hell away from me so fucking funny your bad lot like it was did he swear or was it just it was funny because I already had this insight into him

my dad you know my dad was like that's just who he was It wasn't, he didn't hate me, he just hated. Yeah, yeah. So, Alba's son, and he came to the Bahamas with me. So when he said that, I burst out laughing, I ended up playing with this family over there, and we just had a blast, we tore our dealer up, but, but he was really funny.

But when he said that. Did you ever bond with him, or was that the tone of the whole trip? Yeah, pretty much. Yeah, pretty much. Okay. But I got to an insight with him where he, he raised me, he protected me from my mom. Like, I got that that's just, it wasn't about me. It stopped, when I was a kid.

We used to get fist fights in the kitchen. Like, you and your plane flying dad probably didn't have that. You never attacked them in the plane. And like, you, fuck you, dad. That never happened. That would happen. We'd land for caviar. God, damn.

Hey, hey, it's Knievo. Evil. Come on over. We've had different lives. Yeah. Dude, I got to hear more about your life. No, you don't. I love it.

Just imagine it's all like that with a couple of upsides. I love it. I love it. But before we go with you, tell the folks where they can find you, where they can see your specials, all that stuff. Guys, if you want to see the special I've already done, go to Christopher Titus TV on YouTube. If you want to see my new special Carrying Monsters,

it's an hour and 40 minutes for these worst stories of my life, including my divorce. The stories I couldn't tell. I had to wait for people to die before I could tell some of these stories. Better call your mother. Yeah, well, she's gone. And I'm not going to court. Oh, my God.

So, go to Christopher Titus.com, Christopher Titus TV, and on, if you want to follow me in threads of blue sky, I'm not on X anymore. Okay. I just dumped. I had so many followers, but I was like, I couldn't anymore. Tell them about your podcast, too. Oh, the Christopher Titus podcast. If you want to keep up, you want to laugh about what's going on in the political realm,

that's why I've avoided politics. Oh, I don't mind. Okay, I didn't know. Yeah, you can talk about anything here. It's the Armageddon update. Go to, yeah, it's Christopher Titus TV, the Armageddon update. there, and it's getting really, I mean, we're getting good. Good.

How many people you got to listen to this thing right here? 12? Oh, God, I'm at 11, so it's all right. We just got number 12. It was Barry Barnacle Boy down in Cleveland. Barry Barnacle Boy, I have his books. Yeah, he's good. He's good.

It's really good. Yeah, and if you want to come back, there's nothing, no holds bars. We can talk politics next time. Okay, yeah, because I definitely have an opinion. I know. You have a... That's what I love about you. That's what I'm saying at the being.

You have an opinion about everything. It's not just a show. It's a show. So, folks, Christopher Titus, my guy. Thanks, guys. So good to see you, buddy. This is such an honor to be on this. Dude, it's an honor having you.

Folks, that's it for the Holland Highway today. If you're out there hitchhiking, don't be freeway fetuses. Get in a car and drive. And until next time, chicken chow-may, baby. Hey, everybody. How would you like your very own personal video message from me, yours truly?

It's your birthday, it's your anniversary, it's your graduation, or you just want me to make you laugh. You get to pick the topic, you want me to discuss, give me some talking points, and off we go. You can get it for yourself or get it for a friend. It's super easy and fun. Just go to the Cameo app on your phone or to Cameo.com. and I record a custom video made just for you or your loved one. Your very own personalized Harland.