The Harland Highway - Comedian RICK GLASSMAN 3rd visit - #83

Episode Date: November 21, 2023

Hilarious Rick Glassman drops by to discuss my birthday, his nose, the afterlife, and we take a call from his mother. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, folks, Harland here with a couple of quick announcements before we start today's podcast. First of all, thank you for tuning in. Thank you for subscribing. Thank you for being part of this wacky highway. Really appreciate it. And as we grow, we've started to attract some sponsors, and they're really helping with our little Engine That Could podcast here. They help keep the lights on.

They help keep things flowing. So really appreciate your understanding and your patience. and thank you to our sponsors who are tuning in and helping us out. And also today we have a little bonus material at the back end of the show. I call it the bonus bacon. What else would I call it? And what it is, I do these wacky kind of interviews where I phone myself and do characters. And today is one of my favorite characters, Colonel Lieutenant.

French commander, staff sergeant, Tom Dowdy. He's a military guy, and he's checking in on all the goings on in the world, especially the tensions in the Middle East, and people talking about World War III about to break out. So listen to the interview at the back end of the podcast. It's audio only. There's no visual. It's just me doing an interview.

and basically I jump back and forth between character and myself and it's all improv, there's no, nothing's written down, I just turn on the microphone and go, there's no editing, it's all just one take, and I hope you enjoy the interview. Also, lastly, just as the holidays approach, I do this thing called Cameo. It's Cameo.com or it's Cameo on your, phone app, and it's really fun. I've done it myself. This is why I'm endorsing it. I did it with

a celebrity that I loved, an actor that I loved growing up watching. And basically what you do is you can go on cameo, type in my name, and basically you can have me do a personalized video for you, for the holidays, for your birthday, for any type of event. And it's really fun. I try to make it as fun and personalize it as much as I can for you and hopefully put a special laugh on your face, a smile on your face. And that's the cameo app at your app store on your phone or whatever. So with all that said, folks, buckle in. Here we go. It's another amazing ride down the Harlan Highway. And again, thank you for subscribing. Thank you for being here. And let's rock and roll. Let's have some giggles. Here we go. The turning of leaves, the changing

of color is autumn. That's where that comes from. Oh, right. Ah. And the reason the leaves change colors, do you know why? I do know. Because the melatonin in the leaves gets scagglated to the pectylum, and when the sun heats up during the shorter days of the year, the magranosis. happens in the Crantorium. You asked. Now, in simple terms, well, the leaves are fucking stupid and they die. You're riding down the Harland Highway.

All right, hold tight on the Harland Highway Show. Harland Williams. It's a cool piece. It is a cool piece. You don't wear cans or do you? It's up to you. Yeah, off and on. Depends on when this episode comes out, I guess.

I haven't determined when this one's coming out. It kind of depends on how it goes. But let's throw it around. Let's kick it around. Yeah. Let's kick it on down the hall and see what happens. Yeah. So people leave comments sometimes.

They're like, oh, you have the headphones reversed. Left is right, right is left. Right. But the thing is, these are mono anyway. So I like to have the wire Just be So it's not crossing me You know if you

I learned this for my sister If you soak in a nice oatmeal bath It helps with mono If you It kind of helps It gives rid of it I didn't think that you could get rid of mono You can if you take a night

You're supposed to take a bath In oatmeal You turn the wire around That's how you do it Yeah I was talking about Mono headphones is in not stereo Just single channel Oh I thought you were talking about

Mononucleosis the kissing disease. What does bathing and oatmeal do, and does eating oatmeal help? No, I guess it's just when you bathe in it. The Corinthian Corleyonks come out in, well, you're going to. Don't get mad at me for being impressed that you know science. Well, it's a medical science. Yeah, it's one of the bigger sciences.

Yeah. I just think that's cool. Isn't that cool? You know a lot about that stuff. It's just a side thing. I don't know. I just, some people have hobbies, play darts. or collect shells.

I just like medical terminology. Your epidermis is showing. Oh, that's embarrassing. So you know what epidermis is? Of course. I know what all these say. I know what Corinthian and epitermis and coriolosis. Let me just because I feel like...

Aerolitis, menstruation. What's epidermis then? Your skin. Okay. Top layer. of the skin, technically. What's the next layer? Achoriate.

And the one under that? I don't remember. What is it? Salantriod. Salantreod. Yeah. There's like seven layers. Yeah.

You know the seventh? Porish. That's why... That's six. Seventh is mozzarella. Oh. Yeah. Let's hit the theme music, guy.

Welcome to the Harland Hawley Pawpacan. I like to say it in Cajun. I have a lot of Cajun viewers. Welcome to the Holland-Hawapunker and this is my special guest of Rick Glassman's here. Ricky? Can I call you Ricky or is that?

Ricky Glassman's here, gang. And welcome back, buddy. It's a pleasure to be here. This is your third visit, right? Oh, hang on. Oh, hang on. Let me put the music up. Yeah, it's my third visit here.

Yeah. Our fifth podcast together, because you've come on mine twice. Been on mine twice. Well, yeah. I think you're right. How are you, guy? It's such a treat to see you. Why'd you do that?

Sorry, I didn't hear you. What'd you say? you put your hat back on my hair's still wet oh so i like to have a dry in a hat okay why don't you like wet hair i thought that i dislike wet hair yeah it's that i want my hair to dry a certain way and when i dry it with a hat it tends to hold the curls better less frizz oh really yeah i actually like my hair the way it looks when it's wet believe it or not huh then when it dries do you have a natural curl that's the thing oh you're so lucky i use jerry curl have you ever seen this stuff Like from Soul Glow.

Yeah. Yeah. That's what I use. I used to use that all the time. God, I love it. Just that gives me a crisp whip. It gives me a little whip to my curls. What kind of car do you drive?

Well, interesting story. I recently crashed my car, so right now I'm Ubering. What was your car? Pryas. Oh, that's a crisp, wisp, whips, whip. Say it again? Whist. No, see the car.

Oh, Prius. That's a crisp whip. I don't get it. People call their cars whips. They do? Well, I call mine a Prius. I don't think, is it who makes the whip? It's a term for like, nice whip.

Like shoes, like nice sneakers. I don't think that's a term guy. I think you might have made that up. A whip? Do people call their cars a whip? I don't think they do. Yeah, the linch of the word whip in reference to a vehicle is a rich one, like a nice car. Okay, well, I clearly said I had a Prius, which is the farthest thing from a whip.

It's more like a dirty laceration that's been infected in is pussing. Now that you crashed it, but one of the nicest cars are electric cars because they're considering the environment. Well, I didn't, when I, you say the word crash. What I did is I rolled it. Have you ever rolled a car? Like an oat? Yeah. It was like the craziest thing I was flying down.

the 10, the highway 10, at about, I don't know, it must have been going about 80. 80 what? 80 MPH, miles per hour. And someone, some homeless guy laid out one of those. You ever seen the Pillsbury things? You crack them and they're like the croissant rolls. Yeah.

And he stretched one there. He stretched it right across the highway. One of the, like a dough? One of the dough things. And I rolled my Prius into it. The car couldn't break through the dough? No, it just hit it and it rolled. And I guess cinnamon and apple.

juice and you love cinnamon don't you i live for it yeah you know uh something interesting i found out uh unless you don't want just a sec yeah yeah got it go ahead i unless you don't want this on their podcast uh it turns out that it's your birthday today oh my god yes it is i had no idea well you just said it was my birthday so you must have had an inkling well once when we walked in i found out so happy birthday and i didn't really know that it was your birthday but oh what did you get me Something. Maybe I could just... Oh, my God. Thank you.

Celebration of my life. Happy birthday, Harlan. What the heck? Are you cereal? Yeah, well, I know how much you love cinnamon. What, come on. Yeah. So you just told me what's in here?

No, I just, people that like cinnamon like gifts. Oh, dude. Thank you. Yeah. Wow, flowery paper. Yeah. Always wanted some. There's more.

Oh, hang on. You want you want the bag back? Because these are often more, and I can tell just by the wrapping, this is more expensive than the gift. No, no, you could have that. Oh, okay. Well, this is really the score.

Well, yeah, because these are about $6 and this clearly is probably like a $4 thing, a jam or something. Listen, but maybe I shouldn't judge. Can I open it now? Of course. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Figure, you know, what a coincidence.

I happen to have a cinnamon cake, even though I didn't know it was your birthday. Well, you know, as much as I appreciate this, there's... What the holy clam dip. You don't eat those, huh? Well, here's why I won't eat this. Okay. Because there's trauma involved in this. Do you remember how I told you I rolled my Prius down the 10 into a pastry?

When? Like I told you, I rolled my car. I don't remember. This is exactly what it looked like. what I hit. Let me show the crowd. This is what my Prius rolled into. One of the worst roles of my life. But that doesn't mean we can't put a candle in it. Wow. Wow, dog. Do you remember the lyrics? Could you help me out? Yeah. When I get tired and feel it low. I hide in my music and start the day.

of a girl I used to know I close my eyes and she slips away Happy birthday to you Happy birthday, Harlan Oh, dude, can I make a wish? Of course.

All right, hang on. Wait, do I have to hold it up? Here. I widened the frame a little. Okay, ready? and I make a wish. It's up to you. It's your birthday.

Okay, here I go. And then I got to blow it out. Your birthday. Okay. Good Lord. I'm so sorry. No, I, I just, I, I've been doing breathing exercises and I, I blew it too hard. That was a little wasteful.

Dude. You did work out of your birthday exercises. I didn't mean to blow it so hard. Sure, sure. Oh, God. Happy birthday. Happy birthday, but great rapper. Yeah.

God. Yeah, that and Eminem are my favorite. God, I just, you ever just get so excited you blow too hard? All the time. Wow. Dude, can we do something? Because speaking of birthdays, okay?

Right. Since we're on the subject. Right. Birthdays remind me of our mortality. Do you think about your mortality a lot? I know this is a tough first topic to get into, but you sort of brought me here down Cinnamon Lane. Yeah, I think about lots of things.

But your mortality, do you think about, is the clock ticking? How much time does the Glassman have? You know what I was thinking about in my way over here? Oh, God. It was a lot of people look at things as they're going through time, right? Okay. Like you're born, and now you're moving through time.

You're getting older, you're growing, you're getting stronger, you're forgetting, you're experiencing new things, all these things. You're going through time. And I don't think that's the right way to look at stuff because that means we're relying on time to help us grow or allowing on time to help us get to where we want to be. I don't see us moving through time. I see us standing still and time washes over us. Whoa, that's sort of poetic. So while we're standing here, if we're not moving, we're not doing anything. Time is just going past us. And this time, there's over. there, there's over there, it's just going through us. And that's not to say that nothing exists in this time over here, over here, but we're right here. Yeah. But time, even if you stand still, doesn't stand still. No, time doesn't stand still. Time is what's moving. But if we stand still, time doesn't stop. We are here. And if there was no time, then we would just be here. Well,

wait a minute. How can you say we are here? Because I was at the mall the other day. Here is this map that said you are here. So how could I be here if I was there? Because that was then. Okay. So you could be moving. You could be moving and time is moving. Okay.

But we aren't moving through time. We are moving through on our plane here. Okay. Time is washing over us. That's, yeah. Wow. But do you, do you feel the talk clicking, the clock ticking? Do you feel?

Well, I mean, my joints hurt more than they did when I was younger. Do you think about when the day might come that? I try not to think about it too much. I'm more like to just be as efficient with time as possible, knowing that time will be coming through us and we will be getting older to like, I should be eating well, you know, I should be exercising, I should try not to be stressing, I should be getting good sleep. So you say that eating well contribute to a longer,

it helps. And yet you brought me a triple-thix. cinnamon fudge cake. Now, that's interesting. I also think eating well isn't just eating the best ingredients. It's also eating to enjoy. And as long as we're, you know, not eating cake every day. Okay. But celebration is another thing that could help us and make us appreciate the time and not be so worried as it goes through. Like, oh, you know, I don't like birthdays. I'm older. But I love birthdays. I get to be with my friends. I get to have a nice slice of cake. Well, let me throw this at you because you, you will.

won't hear this when you're gone. And I don't want you to die. I want you to live to 112. I don't want you to die either. Neither of us want each other to die. That's true. But the saddest part of you dying, my friend, is, you know, when you're gone, you're not going to hear my eulogy at your funeral. Well, you know, I don't love this type of talk. I know. Maybe you could give a eulogy of somebody else that's like me, so I could hear it right now. Well, you mentioned cinnamon. you brought me cinnamon you brought me cinnamon You brought me cinnamon, am I correct?

Is that a fair statement? Yeah. Okay. Brush you a couple things of cinnamon. There's a cinnamon in there, too. Well, let's focus on this. Now, hey, everybody, I want to tell you about my bookie. Yeah, my bookie.

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which you know I keep under the desk here, in lieu of you leaving and not hearing your eulogy by me, just so you could say nice things while I'm here. I want to read your eulogy guy. Okay. From my cinnamon journal, because I don't want to miss the nice things I have to say. Okay. I also wrote stuff about you for when you die.

Okay. Can I go first? Mm-hmm. Um, and the thing I like about eulogies is you can fabricate a little. Whenever you go to a funeral, right? Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No?

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so you get your discount and 100% free shipping Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. There's always people say the nicest things about people. Yeah, they do usually say nice things. Sometimes they don't.

Sometimes it's an opportunity for somebody to get off their chest something that was, they were feeling resentful for or that bothered them. And they could be like, you know, as lovely as Harland was at times let's be honest he could have been a real

asshole and like people are like they're laughing and it's a way it's not just oftentimes it's not for the person that has passed and it's for the grieving process of the people who are going through it well that's not the camp that I camp in this is a eulogy that

in lieu of you missing it because you pass away hopefully at 112 I want you to hear the words that I'm going to say that you'll be remembered by. Okay. And this is a bit emotional, but here we go, right out of my cinnamon journal.

I miss old slippery lips. In life he was kind, sharing, tender, and pure. In death, he will smell and have worms. I think all of us gathered here today, remember the joy in his eyes and the laughter in his heart. Old from Munda Face never stopped giving and putting himself before others. We all know of his heroics in Vietnam, and we all know how much he hated old people.

He hated old people with a passion, and would go to seniors' homes, duct tape oldies into their wheelchairs, and roll oldies into walls. He loves smashing oldies through drywall. Who can forget the many times he kicked a soccer ball? Sorry, I'm emotional. Let me start that line again. Who can forget? Who can forget the many times he kicked a soccer ball

in all these faces and stuffed all these heads into ceiling fans sometimes he'd bake a full meatloaf and grind it into all these vainy eyes we will miss cinnamon sugar face

glassman may his soul rest in eternity in a cheap truck stop salad bar and may oldies place lasagna on his grave and barf apple cobbler on his gravestone rest in peace Huffle stuff and I'm glad you got to hear that that's your eulogy that's for you when you die

wait what no one calls me Huffle stuff that's your nickname it's kind of psychology 201 here that you're actually fearing that you won't hear how people feel about you and how you're remembered and you actually actually just read the eulogy of what you want for you when you die and that was actually your eulogy something to consider wait yeah say that again you're going to die and that's your eulogy

that's what you wrote you wrote that's what you want people to read so i was projecting my own eulogy on you yeah you're so that was about me that's how you want to be remembered or how you think you'll be remembered yeah you know i do kind of have the thing about oldies i know meatloaf and cinnamon, you know, stuff that you said is, is what you just threw on the ground. Or should I say, under us, underground? Well, I didn't throw it on there. I blew my candle out. Yes.

Blowing your candle out. Once the flame of your candle is blown out on your birthday, opposite of death day. Or synonymous sometimes, if you're really thinking about. Synonymous? Synonymous. Sin anonymous, which is the fourth layer of skin, if I'm not correct. That is correct. That is very good.

You got little things coming in now? Well, no, but do you want a ding for that? Say it again. That's actually the fourth layer of skin. And it's called synonymous. Right. Thanks for having me. Oh, dude, thank you. I wanted to talk to you.

You're active on the dating scene, right? Well, I have a girlfriend. Yeah. How's that? Can I ask how it's going? Do you love it? Is it going great? Yeah.

Yeah, you've met her. We talked about her before this podcast. Lovely. She's lovely. So it seems like the dating scene, like, are you, but like, do you want to talk about, are you active on the dating scene? I went on a date recently and it was, it was tough and I wanted to see, you know. Well, tell me about your date. Well, I was in the mood for a seafood.

I like a seafood platter, a seafood buffet. Is that pulled up? Is that, are those pins up? What? Right there. Oh, this desert thing? I like it. why it's it's like it makes you feel like in dumb and dumber where you're from it also makes

it also makes you think of in forest gump when he's um with the smiley face when he has when he's running and you know it's weird towel and he wipes his face and it gives him the idea for the smiley face the yellow it's funny you think of all that because whenever i turn and look at this all i think is i can smell body odor like somebody's armpits or something oh maybe you're smelling your right armpit weird Um, but anyways, I went on this date to a seafood buffet, uh, right? And if you ever had a girl, if you've been, been on a date with a girl and she gets the oysters on the half shell? Turtle power.

They're the world most fearsome fighting team. Absolutely. What's that mean? We're talking. Oysters? Yeah, we're talking about it's, it's, yeah, sometimes they'll smell it. And it's like, right. It's like, you know, sometimes you could be drinking, you, you have that.

I'm at an Asian restaurant, a Japanese restaurant. They could be drinking sake. That's where you actually get Yurukosaki. It is? Yeah. What's Yuroko mean? Yurukosaki? Yeah.

Are you not familiar with the shredder and splinter of the Teenage Ninja Turtles? No. Oh. I never watched that show. Oh, yeah. Did you read the comics or play with the action figures? No, I didn't like it. I didn't like the...

You were born in, may I say? I can have an idea. I was not born in, may I say. I was born in Canada. But the time period, you would probably be... playing with what like million dollar man or something well i think he was the six million dollar man not the million not not when you were born well he kept accruing much like the layers of of of your skin you was accruing more and more millions of dollars well and i was a kid who came right out of

the shoot at six mill oh really that's like when people's like oh who is this band they blew up overnight no they've been doing this for a long time you just never heard of them before when that show came out it was called the six million dollar man but before he got a million But before he got a show, he was just an action figure guy. Yeah, but you're not putting a man together for a million dollars, whether it's the 70s or today. You need a bigger budget. Before the $6 million man had all of the stuff that he had, he was a $5 million man. And before that he was a $4 million man.

At a certain point, he was the $1 million man. And that was around when you were born. Well, that's when he's laying on the assembly line. He's not completely assembled yet. So, yeah. 161? Oh, thanks. I'm busy. But did you know that the $6 million man had an affair with Tron?

Why did you do this? Why did you do air quotes? That's, you know, gay guys. Gay, you had a gay. I didn't know about that. I'm more into turtles. But you were on a date with a woman who had a... Oh, it was a seafood buffet.

Oh. And she was eating the oysters. Have you ever been out with a beautiful girl? and she decides she wants the oysters on the half shell. Turtle power? They're the world's most fearsome fighting team. You don't know that? No.

Is this, we're going back to that? Yeah, you don't know that song? I don't know this. Teenage mutant ninja turtles. Teenage mutant ninja turtles. Teenage mutant ninja turtles. Heroes and a half shell. Turtle power.

You don't know that song? You really never heard that? Never. I didn't know it. They're the world's most fearsome fighting team. when the evil shredder attacks The turtle boys don't cut no slack Well, uh, meaningless to me

Well, I have a feeling had you known about this Your date may have gone differently, but go on Well, think about it. I'm asking you though, if you could put Ninja turtles Out of your head for just a second Um Have you ever sat in across from a beautiful date And she orders oysters on the half shell?

No, maybe, not that I recall. Okay, well, it's obscene. It looks like a giant booger, and they literally put it on the shelf, and they slurp it off, and it's like, did you really want to go home and kiss that mouth? Well, do you not want to kiss her after she eats oysters? I don't. And this one, what if she brushes her teeth? Well, this one sucked it so hard.

It went up through her nasal cavity and came out her nose. nose. Whoa. Do you ever suck on a boob like that? Imagine when I was an infant. When I was six months old, I did. Right. It seems like you maybe have,

and the fact that you don't do that as an adult, you never see a boob. Like, let's say you're sitting down and she's standing up naked and she leans over you like this and like, and there's just boobs right here. Yeah. You don't ever just go.

Like an oyster on a half shell? Turtle power. I think of it more as a nipple on a milk jug. Yeah. Same. Okay. Well, okay. Yeah, I've done that. Yeah. But you're not ingesting it. You don't. But she didn't ingest it either. It came out of her nose. Yeah, but it went in and out through her. It's like, it's like a recycling bit. Isn't that what sex kind of is going in and out? That's true. But not over a tablecloth. It's cleaner that way. Well, I mean, God, there's customers watching and I'm sitting there. Well, there's a difference between you feeling sexually uncomfortable versus not wanting to kiss her later on in the privacy of your own. home. I know, but when you see, you got to admit, just give me this, an oyster on a half shell looks like a giant booger. Yeah, I don't eat oysters. Me neither, for that very reason.

But I also don't eat boogers. Well, not anymore. People eat them. When you were young, you sure ate a lot. I really, I think you did. I didn't really. I may have tasted once because I know that they're salty and we're going like this, but no, I was never interested, curious. And I saw kids eating their boogers all the time. And I always thought the same thing. I don't want oysters after that. So I get what you're saying. Right. Yeah. I get the feeling you're one of those kids who stacked them and packed them though. Like you, no, I actually put them in the garbage. You were boogers? Uh-huh. Like, even today, I'll pick my nose sometimes. And when I do, if something comes out, I'll go and I'll put it in the toilet or in the garbage.

What? Even when I'm alone. Really? Uh-huh. What is a booger by the way? Like how is it? Wait, what do you mean? Well, I mean, how is it at, you know, seven in the morning, your nose is perfectly clear and then by 11 o'clock there's this giant clump in your nose so um are it's making me think of um of nutty professor the way you said that because of because of clumps yeah so uh our body is a magical thing and we are taking in lots of allergens and and and dust and and right and um bacteria okay and our body secretes this goo or in the teen infinity neuter turtles would say ooze But it's mucus, isn't it? Yes, in order to, like, to catch that stuff so it doesn't all go, like a filtration system.

Now, sometimes that stuff, like when our body, when we're sick, we'll have extra mucus. It's because it's giving that to help fight more, to help filter those things out. And boogers are just like some of that mucus that just gets hardened or it's just remnant, remnant protection from your body. But I thought the ciliated hairs in your nostrils were to do that function. They filter out all the bacteria in the air. Not all. I mean, imagine, imagine if you were to have your AC adjusted or your heat. You know, your HVAC guy comes in or girl and like, oh, geez, your filter.

Sometimes. Well, not a girl. Sometimes. Have you ever had an air conditioner girl? It's always the air conditioner man. Usually is a man. Right. So that's not BS.

Okay. So, sorry, I have no filter, except for my snot. It's just an old snot job. No, I love it. You hear that down at the AC Club on Melrose. Yeah. Have you ever heard that joke where they go, it's a booger? And you go, no, it's not.

No, it's not. Yeah. I heard that. The boogeyman told me that joke about three crust of a nipple one about 10 years ago. Yeah. All right. Yeah. So when you get your filter and it's all dirty, you need to replace it.

They replace it with this filter that has lots of different things in weeds. They don't go, eh, we'll just throw some nose hairs up there. See, here's where you perplex me. Because when we started about 45 minutes ago, you said you didn't know anything about medical science the way I do. No, I said I love how much you love how much you love. love about it. Yeah, but you just recited, you, you, you just schooled me on mucous. I know what I know. And I know what I know. Amazing. And I also know that in order to know more, be open to listening to what other people know. And when you listen to them, when you listen to

what they know, Zahars. Yeah. Also use your own critical thinking and like, okay, this is something I could retain as a maybe. Okay. And as you continue to hear more things or experience things, it's like, yeah. So that's where the saying comes from. Who knows? Because originally people didn't understand where the boogers came from oh i thought it came from owls with big noses they no no that was just because they go who who nose yeah who who knows i do think there is some similarities that's why they didn't know the kid didn't know what was at the center of the tootsie pop the owl did yeah owl nose so i'm sure there is some origins it's all you know you go back to ancient greece i'm sure it was all owls and nose hairs well there's no going back to ancient

grease well that time is washed through us already see this is why i have to readjust your eulogy because I sit with well mine there you go but I sit with you and every time I sit with you it's like I turn over a new leaf and I learn more about you and it's it's like that's why I want you to live to 112 because you're one of my friends that it just it just keeps coming I have another piece of information if you'd like I'd love that saying turn over a new leaf yes is oftentimes said when something sweet when people go aw that actually is the turning of leaves the changing of color is autumn that's where that comes from. And the reason the leaves change colors, do you know why? I do know, because the

melatonin in the leaves gets gagglated to the pectillin, and when the sun heats up during the shorter days of the year, the magrinosis happens in the crantorium. You asked. Now, in simple terms, well, the leaves are fucking stupid and they die. Actually quite smart. You see, during the, during the sunnier weather, they don't, they're able to take in the sun's energy. Photosynthesis. You're familiar. You've been on the red carpet a lot. Well, I haven't, I haven't, I haven't developed a one in a long time. Well, when you're not getting as much light, we're not getting as much daylight. The leaves are struggling to take in the energy. And are you familiar with Roy G. Biv, right?

Well, I went to one once, but I wasn't going to take my clothes off. Right. Well, that's part of, that depends where you are on the spectrum. So there's red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, violet. Yes. Now, green is right in the middle there, and that's where many leaves are. Right. Now, as it needs, and the energy that bounces back off of those, come from that, it refracts, and it shows the green. But there's the red, the orange, and the yellow that comes right before the green.

And you might notice, much like this Harlan Highway, Arizona landscape, for those of you that are watching on YouTube, or any video platform, yellows, reds, and oranges are the colors that. the leave kind of defer down to lower on the spectrum scale to try and take in as much energy as they can before they fall down, they turn over autumn. It's really interesting. Did you work at Baskin-Robbins at one point? I worked at Best Buy before. Well, you know a lot of colors guy. Yeah. I mean, it sounds to me like you were standing over like 43 flavors or something because nobody knows that much about leaves. Well, they put it just 99 flavors. Oh, well, that was back when the million-dollar man was around. four million. I love, I do, I really love science.

I know, me too. That's one thing we have. I think that's something that bonds us, me and you. Bonds us, me and you. I had a Bonsus tree once. Yeah? Yeah, when I was in Japan. You know, it's interesting that you call it a bonds us instead of a bonds eye.

Kind of like how you're projecting the eulogy onto other people and not including yourself as the sole proprietor. Well, that's because I bought it a bonsis or us. And what else would I call it? A bonsai. Bons us. So I'm on this date Right

And she eats the boogers She eats well it looks like boogers She slurps them off And then she's just talking away So I'm already turned off She's a girl She's a girl Yeah

And I'm all You know what girls and crabs have in common Ooh Wow They both love seafood Oh wow Nice It's like a face.

Wow. Wow. It's like a face show all of a sudden. But here's the next step. She started talking. Now I'm watching this mouth flap that just finished sucking an oyster. And now I don't want to hear her voice

because that's coming out of the box that sucked the oyster so what do I do I get the scallops you ever have the scallops I don't need seafood really well these scallops make perfect ear plugs right like Star Wars wish them down and you stuff them in did she see you put scallops in your ears no because I told her to look behind her at the landscape of the desert and she looked long enough for you to put um scallops in both your ears and when I turned back she was doing this but she didn't see me do the thing huh and then we got home She insisted on coming home. Did you still have the things in your ears?

Pardon me? Did you still have the scallops in your ears when you got home? I can't hear you. What? Did you still have the scallops in your ears? Yes. And then we got home and she wanted to have a one-nighter. And I'm like, first of all, I got the oyster booger sock.

I got scallop ears. And I'm like, how do I get her out of the bed? So I brought home some peeled shrimp. Never see the shrimp? and I threw them under the sheets in the dark and said, hey, by the way, I have leprosy. Well, you have to see how that's funny because what that implies is,

one, you're telling her after she gets in bed with you, two, she didn't notice anything, so now you want her to feel it. And what you think she's going to think leprosy where pieces of you are falling off is just pieces of shrimp. Right. I think that's funny.

I think that's... Well, it was funny. But it worked? It worked. And she believed that you had leprosy? It got her up out of there. Yeah. Whoa.

Yeah. So the seafood worked against her, against me initially, but then it worked against her in the end. And that's what I call a full rounded date. Whoa. Have you seen her since? Not really. I saw her at the aquarium.

So yes. Yeah. Well, how about you? Any good date you want to tell me about? I went with my girlfriend when I was in New York to go see Gutenberg

the musical with Josh Gadd and Andrew You're sure you didn't go to see Steve Guttenberg The actor? I did not go in and see that Okay, who really wants to see that

by the way? Oh I can do that too Pretend them Andrew Rannels No thanks I'm busy Man was it good What wait what did you say

The musical It's a musical called Gutenberg About the creation of the printing press Oh my God But it's a real meta version of like What musicals are supposed to be And like creating one And like the whole concept is

This is the only show they're doing And they pay to rent out a theater and Broadway to put it on and maybe a producer will like it. So it's the first and only show that they've done. So spoiler alert, maybe. I don't know, it's kind of the crux of the device of it, but they don't have, they're new, so they don't have any of the other actors.

It's just them too. They play all the parts. And they wear different hats that say the name of whoever's playing the part. So they just, there's a big direction that keep changing the hats and that's part of the comedy of it. Wow. And it's really great. What's the genius about the printing press,

but also tragic, is the guy who invented it. He never would have had to invent it, the printing press, if only had learned how to write. The printing press was taking stuff that was written and letting you copy it so you don't have to keep writing. Right, but what I'm saying is he only... What was that? He only knew how to print.

He only knew how to print. Whereas cursive writing, if he had learned to just do that, he wouldn't have had to delve so much. That's interesting. That's something I'll think about. Yeah. You know, cursive is something we learned in school, and then they just, at some point, they just go,

huh, don't worry about it. Really? What school did you go to? I don't want to tell you. Was it a boarding school? It was a boring school sometimes. Oh, nice. Come on, buddy.

You might want to change your socks because you just walked right into that. Sometimes when a real winner gets knocked over the wall, I just hit the theme song, because it feels like it's just, getting started. I love science, dude. Why?

Was that your favorite? Was that your thing? Was that your jam in high school? Science? No. But I do remember that a chemistry teacher of mine once told me, you have the mind of an elephant. And at the time... Oh.

All right. You're right? Yeah, I just. tilted my head. I saw, yeah. He caught me and I hit my muff, hit my ear muff. At the time, I was a little confused because I wasn't as confident then as I am now that elephants have a really good memory. Oh.

But that's what he was saying. So maybe he saw me as a good student, but that, but you know, in high school, all I cared about was basketball, dude. Really? Basketball and playing with friends. Is that a compliment, though, to tell someone to tell you that you, that you have the memory of the fattest creature on planet earth? Fat P-H-A-T, pretty hot and tempting.

I don't know. I'm loving elephants more and more every day, by the way. No joke. Saw some guy on Instagram yesterday going like, co-coo, in this water, and a couple of elephants that love him came over. And I'm like, these things are awesome, man. You got to respect the only animal in the animal kingdom

that can masturbate with its own nose. You know, I hear, there's a lot of anti-Semitism going around. right now and part of it is some of the Jews have noses big enough that they actually they can who knows exactly some Jews have big noses and the ones that have big noses that also have a big penis guilty are able to fuck their nose is that a true thing that jewish people have a big nose is that what you're saying oh yeah that's a stereotype and i also understand a lot of jewish girls um in uh in do you know what uh the term uh jap is jewish american princess You heard that before?

I'm not talking about... Also a great airline, by the way. Jewish American princess? Jewish Japanese American Jewish. Maybe it's kind of like a crossover. I'm not too familiar with a connection of the two. But a lot of Jewish girls that are the Jewish American princess type, the ones that their family comes from money, and they're like in high school, they get

nose jobs a lot. I remember it was people said that they had a lot of Jewish girls have deviated septims. Now listen, maybe they do, maybe they don't. who knows who knows who knows but yeah Jewish girls like to get their noses but what is the genetic reason if what you're saying is accurate that Jewish people have a bigger nose what is the genetic function of that well all all species all races have isn't there some sort of evolutionary reason yes it was so they could suss out and smell

the bullshit that's being thrown around them that's why a lot of the Jews go into trade professions, doctors, lawyers, things where they're using their mind that they could travel with. So in case they have to leave Eastern Europe to come someplace else and their bookstore they can't bring with them, have a trade. So when they landed, it's a lot of trades, a lot of trades, things that are education. And then they're sussing up. Something about that smells like bullshit to me. Oh, interesting. Yeah. What's the, what's the ratio? Because you said it's a stereotype, which means it might not be true. Well, not all Jews have big noses and not all people with big noses are Jews. Those two things

aren't Jewish. Right. What's the percentage that, do you think? Oh, you know, I'll tell you something. As a lover of science, I understand that hypothesis is very important to discover theory, but I also understand speculation does nobody favors. So I'm choosing not to speculate. Okay, okay. Because you are Jewish, but your nose is very proportioned. I appreciate it. I, I I happen, I see myself in pictures. I happen to think, oh, that's a big nose. No, no, no. Well, great.

But also. Beautiful nose. Also, big nose could look nice in somebody's face. Yeah. I have no objections to a bigger nose. You have nose objections to it. And that's why you and I are able to be friends. Well, you hit that on the nose.

Mm-hmm. You, uh, you like, celery? You know what I'm really, I'm really interested in is celery salt. Have you ever had it? No, what is it? It's celery salt. It's something you could buy in, like, seasonings. What? It's salt that you could put on stuff. I found out about it in college. They put it on these chili dogs I used to get. Buddy, I'm telling you, it tastes just like celery. The way garlic powder, which is garlic. Yeah. But celery salt, I don't believe is actually from celery. I don't know.

Well, they can create any type of... But it's a natural thing. Wait. I'm actually going to look up where celery salt comes from. Well, then I guess I am too. I'm not going to have you outphone me on my own podcast. Where does celery salt? Where does celery salt?

Where's the origin of celery salt? Store bought celery salt is made from ground celery seeds and salt. That makes sense. 1299 a can. So it looks like a... Grind celery seeds make celery salt. Celery salt. celery salt and you know what else i'm really big into right now is a dill no way love and dill so i get

these there's these sandwich pickles that i like i forgot the name of the brand but it's these pickles that i like and uh in it there's like little pieces of like you know chives and onions and some dill in the in the in the pickling vinegar whatever it is the vinegar um and uh when i'm done with the pickles there's these little flower leaf vets of pickle flowers of no no it's the dill the dill and i like to put those dills on the sandwich and i mean it so now when i eat salads or anything or I'm tasting the dill. I'm like, that's what I like. I'm loving dill.

It's a real fresh, nice herb with no spice. The passion in your voice on this leads me to believe that maybe somebody at this table likes to cook. Am I right? I don't know, but I say whether I do or I don't, what's the big dill? Hit the music. great great get nice grab i love food i love food i love science and when you put them together what do you get cooking well you also get a bowel movement well if you take enough magnesium hit it yeah uh but do you cook i mean i get the sense because not a lot of men grown men talk

about dill it's as it's as elusive as cayenne it's as elusive as a menegli or chloride it's a i mean and here you are a full grown man with a a beige backpack on talking about dill you know and it got the wheels turning in my head who are you what are you i think if more men spoke about dill and more women spoke about h-fax there wouldn't be so much conflict you're right i also want to give a shout-out to this bag, by the way, Dan Dover. Bendover, what? Great bags. Well, if you bend over, you're always going to see a bag.

At least at my gym you are. That's Dan Dover. What gym? They actually sell these bags at my gym. Well, let me. Dan Dover. I can smell it. LA Fitness, bend over at LA Fitness, and there's a bag, almost the same color.

This one's a little pinker. they got great bags dude real comfortable material too well it sounds like now you're doing a commercial for d a g n e dover dang d a g n e d ove er great bags yeah well i'm straight but thanks you really you really loves you know you really loves you know You know, I watch your clips and I watch the podcast sometimes and I see the comments on your Instagram and on the podcast and when you come on my podcast, you know, there's a lot of people out there like, this person is annoying, this person sucks, this person just knows too bigs, what's the deal with this guy?

What's the deal? Yeah, but you're really, go ahead. You're really loved, dude. By who? That's a big statement. Love is a huge word. By whom? My friend whom?

Your doctor. That's right. Talk to whom. Who? Whom. With an H. Cut to a clip. And we're back. You're loved, though.

Everyone's love. Well, I appreciate that, but we're talking about you. And why do you think it is that so many people love you? Not just think you're funny, but is it because they, you're so kind? I don't, I can't determine how others feel about me. Well, you could see the feedback that they're, they're giving. Well, that's very beautiful, and I'm grateful that that's the feedback, but I can't, I don't know how or why that's the feedback, but if that is the feedback,

I'm very happy, because kindness is a big part of how I operate. Yeah. I believe in kindness. It's interesting that you're talking about feedback, feeding, eating, and some people will eat grapefruit juice, and that's sour. You're not sour. You're not grapefruit. You're grateful. And is that a conscious choice speak on that well can i let my mother speak on that will you hold down the podcast for a second while i go get something very precious that my mother gave to me yeah i'll do i'll do a commercial for danged over bags bend over what danged over bags have you ever done a podcast because i'm entrusting you to do my podcast for a minute will i go get this thing about kindness yeah you've done you've done a podcast of course i have my podcast you have a podcast you've been on it

twice take your shoes off you can handle this for i'm stepping away for probably 45 seconds yeah i mean listen you look you're you're you can't do it just tell me if you might want to fast forward through it because they're here for you do but i could handle it for a minute yes i don't know that you can't do it why don't you just admit you can't care of it i'll talk to them about some of the stuff that happened before we started recording. I'll talk about the picture we took outside. I'll talk about the beautiful view. I'll talk about the drinks you gave me. Maybe I'll even pick up that cinnamon treat that I went and got special for your birthday. I went to another store to see if they have wrapping paper. They didn't. I got the bag. I went to another

store to see if they did. And the store that I went to was called Stevie Sister since 1994. And when I went to that store, she was so nice and helpful. I asked her name, Maya. So shout it to Maya. It's Stevie's sister. She gave us this beautiful wrapping job. I went home. I put it in my fridge with the wrapping paper to make sure it stayed fresh,

even though it was another half hour or so. I put the drink. I got you in the freezer. So when I brought it back, it wouldn't melt. I came back. They were like, oh, it's your birthday. Did you forget? And people are saying, Rick forgot.

How did I forget? How did you even think I knew? And I laid into it. I said, oh, I didn't know it was his birthday. I kept it clean. I kept it cool. Cool. I also bought the candles. Let me tell you something. These things. Do you know how much these candles cost? Very overpriced.

Seven bucks and change after tax. I only wanted one candle, but the whole thing. Is that a yes? Yeah, I could do it. Okay. I'll be right back. what are you doing guy what are you doing i said to take over the the podcast but you got up you don't get up and leave oh man i was doing a little i was going to do a little well okay well should i let you finish sound like my ex-wife what the hell and helen hunt's fucking helen face

are you blocking your own camera see i don't think you know how to podcast. It's not about me. Have you ever been to a puppet show? People literally hide behind curtains and wear black. They wear black or green or all one color. Easy with the black stuff. I don't think it's actually as easy as you think with the black stuff. I think they're going through a lot. And there's clearly someone black right in front of you. Yes. You threw it out there like he wasn't there. And you wanted me to make sure that he wasn't hiding us, that you didn't want him, the black man, to take center stage. Why is it that you don't want a black man to take center stage? because I want a Tyrannosaurus rex to have a chance.

Tuanosaurus Rex is to want asaurus Rex. A lot of cobwebs on yours. Is that some Halloween decoration? Wow, I didn't expect to get some Jurassic abuse. All right, so your mom gave you a print of something out for you on a nice thing. Well, you were talking about kindness. Yes. And my mother gave me this when I was a young man, my mother Lorraine O'Donnell.

Could I read it? Do you want to read it? Okay, but this is something she gave me that's sort of a treasured memento from my mother. Of course. And it sort of is how I live my life. And maybe it helps answer the question. You could read it. I'd like to hear it in your voice, actually.

You do? Yeah. Well, I offered it to you, but it's up to you. Of course, yeah, yeah. Okay, this is from my mother. Did she write it or is it something? No, it's an old Irish. I think her maid name was O'Donnell.

So I think it's sort of an Irish thing. Right. And this plays into what you're saying about maybe the kindness attributes that you, I be the road of life. Should I do it in an Irish accent? Since it's, I be the road of life. Yeah. I be the road of life.

I expect to pass through this world but once, any good, therefore, that I can do, or any kindness that I can show to any fellow creature. Let me do it now, for I shall not pass this. this way again. That's great. Do you want to read it in your voice? Because I think the Irish thing didn't really... I expect to pass through this world, but once.

Any good, therefore, that I can't do or any kindness I can show. All right, easy, Dracula. I didn't say do it in a Transylvanian bloodsucker voice. I expect to pass through this world, but once. Okay, that's Australian guy. this is my mother's saying and you're doing it's i feel like i'm at i hop i haven't heard this many dialects since uh carol o'connor uh got fired from come on dude land it god i couldn't land it isn't that nice it is yeah oh pardon me so that's sort of uh you know

that's kind of my i have something on my refrigerator that my mom gave me once it's much shorter but it says, be kind, be silly, be honest. Oh, I like that. It's simple. Those are the ones. Those are the ones. You could be honest and kind at the same time. And also, just be silly, be playful.

That's nice. She says, your mother's still with us? God. She's great. Want me to call her? Sure. I mean, I really want to show up my mother. We don't have to.

No, no, go ahead. Call her, please. Is, uh, is, I'd like to verify that this thing even exists on your fridge now. I'm starting to wonder a little bit. Hello? Oh, hi. Mommy, I have you on a podcast with my friend Harlan and I was telling her about a magnet that you gave me that says, be kind, be silly, be honest. Do you remember buying me that? Yes. Yes, I sure do. I also remember buying you one about I love to poop. Okay. Okay. Whoa. Whoa. I'm on the podcast I can't edit this.

Whoa, God. This is podcast. Hey, Harland, I love you. You're so funny. Well,

see you were right. Thank you. I was talking about how I loved Harlan is. Mom, will you tell me be silly, be kind,

be honest, what that means to you? Well, it just means that you have a light heart when you're, well, being kind to me

is the main thing in anything in life. I just think if you're kind, then it takes care of almost everything. You know what, Mom? Read it.

Harlan actually just read something that his mom had given him. It's an old Irish tale. Well, I expect to pass through this world but once. Any good, therefore, that I can do or any kindness that I can show to any fellow creature, let me do it now, for I shall not pass this way again. You want to know something? Your mom and I? It would be best friends.

Oh, is that my mom's voice? Can you tell you something? Kindness? Kindness is takes care of everything. When you're kind, it's the best thing in a marriage. It's the best thing in relationship. It's the best thing with neighbors. There's nothing more about when you're kind, you're loyal. When you're kind, you're honest. When you're kind, you're thoughtful. I mean, being kind is everything. And then, of course, they're silly, which makes you a jolly, happy person, which is what we are. And then was the other one about, I love to poop. What was the third one? Yeah, that would be kind, be silly and poop. No, be honest. Oh, mother-loving, fuck, a cook. Of course. You got to be honest, and I'm honest that I do love to poop, so I guess it all works out. All right, is there anything you want to plug?

No, I don't think so I'm watching my third Hallmark movie of the day since Daddy's home with COVID, so I'm really in a deep, deep trance here. All right. Well, do you want to ask Harlan anything about what it was like to work with Jim Carrey? Oh, is he the best? Oh, from dumb and dumber. That's right. Isn't he just, like, brilliant?

What do you think, Harlan? Harlan's feeling a little shy right now. I get nervous around your mother. Mom, do you remember when we were in Palm Springs and we watched Rocket Man? Yes. Earlier this year. You did?

That's the guy. That's Harlan. You know that's him, right? I know exactly who Harlan is. He's hysterical man. He's sitting right next to a Rocket Man. Is he? Yeah.

Was the, I like to poop a magnet on the toilet? Or was that? We're on the fridge. Why was it on the fridge? Mom and I talk about poops a lot. See, you know, Ricky's entire conversation with me when he calls is usually how his bowel movement of the day went. Oh, God. Yeah, we have a very, very close, uh, hygienal relationship.

Well, I don't know if I would say that. I, I, a lot of the only arguments you and I ever have is how quickly you wash your hands. So I. All right. So maybe I'm not as hygienic as you, but we don't talk about our bathroom. Mom. All right. Yeah, babe.

I was going to ask you something. What was I going to ask her? Oh, Mom, why do you, why do you, shut up, I'm asking you something. You might have to edit around that. I'm sorry, Mom. No, I think we're going to keep that end. Mom, why do Jews have big noses? We don't have big noses.

I have a very small nose. Your brother has a very small nose. But Eastern European, European. people, it's like, you know, every ethnicity has its own visual things, and a lot of Eastern European people have more defined noses.

Mom, always talks about poops, and she also defines European. She likes to talk about poops and European. Mom, I said the Jews have how does he have you on his podcast? You sound like you're five. What the... Yeah, I think that's the way I was feeling. Well, you know what, Mom? I think juice oftentimes do have big noses

and that's so they could smell all the bullshit and I'm calling bullshit right now. I'm not five. I have a learning disability and I'm just, I have some, you know, I have some social weaknesses but they've also, some of them have become social strengths.

So just because you have a small nose and you don't wash your hands for a long time and you love taking wet poops, you know my mom... It's so nice to have met you. I'm really a charming person and I'm not dirty. I know what I said you're dirty.

You just don't really wash your hands. hands long enough. All right. Bye, mommy. Oh. I love you. Bye, Charlie. Bye, Harley. Bye. Happy holidays. It's my best friend right there. Wow. Do you really phone her every day and talk about your movements? No, but no, but our family, not just me and my mom, but our family in general, like we talk about movements, yeah. Why?

I feel like that's the first question you actually wanted an answer to. It really is. But I don't know that I really want the answer. Well, while we're talking about Jews. Yeah. There is something in Jewish culture, two things that aren't necessarily connected. One is, do you know the Yiddish term kvetch, which is like complaining? Oh, I thought it was someone throwing a stick for a dog that out of list.

No, that's fetching. Okay. No, okay. Kvetching. It's complaining. Okay. And a lot of times with, and it's not just in Jewish culture, but it's a big part of it, um, is, uh, kvetching, it's complaining is it's kind of, I think instead of complaining a

love language. Like, oh, my stomach hurts or it's hot or I'm tired. Like, it's not saying, oh, it's not, to me, when done a certain way, isn't necessarily negative. It's just connecting on like, ugh, I know, right? Right. And also, separately, a lot of times genetically, Jewish people don't necessarily have the best digestion or stomachs. You hear a lot of Jewish people, they get stomach aches, or they get allergies. A lot of Jewish people, black people, and Asian people don't digest milk well. It's true. Well, I was going to do it. So the fact that we like to complain and also there's often, I have some issues with my bowel movement sometimes, although I found some magnesium complex that's been working great for me. But yeah, so sometimes we were talking

how you do and I'll be like, one of the things like you check in, I didn't really take a good poop today, which means I'm not in a great mood. Oh. You ever have a day where you don't poop or you don't have a good poop and you're like, if I could just poop, I would be in a better place. How's your mood my mood today. My mood today's all right. Okay. Yeah, this magnesium complex is working well. Right. What's the rent? Um, buddy, are you ready for words from a wooden shoe?

Yeah, we do that. It's my favorite part? Oh, yeah. Yeah, here we go. You know how it works, Guy. We get the old wooden clog from, from the dutch. place and you reach in you pull one on word and then you tell us a story from your life or using the word yeah here we go gang theft oh here we go talk to me yeah sure sure so um i've stolen things two times in my life i remember them both okay first one uh the story i want to tell you is the second one but i'll tell you the first one just a little bad story just as a setup the first one uh was uh

from a drugstore near me. Okay. When I was growing up and kids were stealing stuff. I was with these kids. I didn't have that many experiences where I was with other kids. So I guess you could call it peer pressure,

but also I did it. Okay. And they were stealing some stuff and I'm like, I will, and I stole something. I don't remember what it was, but it was like a something by the counter, like a gum or something like,

like something that was little. And I potentially, like, I want to take the cheapest, littlest thing. Right. And didn't like the way I felt after. Oh, because you. you needed to take a movement first? I take it back.

I remember three steals, but one of them I gave back right away. Another steal, which is not this story, was I was saving up for Game Boy. I don't know how old I was, but I'm going to make, let's say, 10. Okay, yeah.

Did you ever think about saving up for straight boy? Okay. That's actually not bad. Not bad at all. Fuck. Just a quick one. And I would, you know, I would do chores.

or I do little things or I used to sell stuff. I used to, there was this thing called Olympia Sales Club. I still remember the number, 1-800-373, 5963. And you would get a catalog mailed and you go door-to-door selling stuff. And you could either get points for a prize or each item you sold, you get $2. Or get seduced by a mouth. I'm telling you a real story, man. This is really, really serious.

Well, that never happened. And I don't want to make anybody that I grew up with feel like they, well, I don't want to meet somebody and have it not be true. Well, the fact you didn't get lured into a house by a beautiful older woman in lingerie. Because I could smell the bullshit. Yeah, but what else do you smell? Clams. The put. You get to smell depot.

So I had this thing of change. And I was $50 away from the Game Boy. And I remember I went, my parents were asleep. And my brother and I were playing games in the basement. And I went and I found on dad's counter $50 bill. And I took it. And my brother was helping me. count the change of how close I was. And I said, does this help? And it was 50. And I was

almost there. And then the next day I told my mom, I said, I took this from dad, because dad was at work. Took or stole? Stole. And I gave it right back. But the other one, the one that stopped me from stealing. Yes. Let's hear this one. Was, so I'm at day camp. And I don't know how old again, but I don't think I'm even a teenager yet. Where'd you go at night? It's just home. It was just camp just during the day. So then you went to night camp? No. I guess that was me at home watching, you know, watching TV by myself. So there was day camp, but at night, no more camp. Right. Day camp was like a school in the summer, but you went to camp. So there was no tents. I mean, part of camping is you sleep over or a tent. Yeah, it wasn't like camping out. It was just camp where

you do like sports and activities. Can you just say you were at school and not make it all dramatic by But it was camp? Well, not really. It was. It was. Was there a time? Was there a tent? Yeah. Oh, there was now. Yeah, you didn't sleep in the tents, but there were, there are, there, there are cabins. Was there a bonfire? I think there might have been bonfire stuff sometimes.

Is there a grizzly bear? No. You weren't camping. Well, I, I was waiting by where the cars come to pick you up. Okay. And there was this, some of the things you do, people do crafts. And have you ever seen those things where they take like jars and they fill it with different colors of sand and you take a toothpick and you make designs and stuff?

Absolutely. So somebody made one of those things. Some sandcraft. A sandcraft. I still look back thinking, I can't believe I did this. But I took it. The kid was not there anymore or it was left or I don't know, but it definitely wasn't mine. You stole the jar of sand.

Yeah, I don't remember did I take it like it was sitting next to somebody or did I find it like somebody forgot it? I don't remember, but it wasn't just about the fact that I took something that was in mine. I also got in the car, and my mom and her mom, my grandma who lives in California, she has since passed, but she was visiting. I remember, and they picked me up, and I said, look what I made. I said, look what I made. They said, it's so good. You took credit for the sandcraft. Yeah, and I told them.

I don't remember when, I don't remember if I told her in the car or if I told her days later, but. You were in the car? Is that when your grandmother passed? I actually want to call her back. Uh-uh. I want to call her back about this. Well, I do. Okay.

I want to, because I think my mom told me, even after I told her it wasn't mine, she kept it for a little bit. What was the design and the sand? No. Mom, I'm telling Harlan about the time I, at camp, I stole that sand art, and I was in the car with Grandma and you,

and I gave it to you, and I said I made it. Horrible. I know, I don't want to talk about that. Okay. But it was, okay, well, you made a sand art, and I said, help you. beautiful it was and I was so proud of you and we brought it home and then you came to me later on

very upset to confess that you really didn't make it that you took it from someone yeah and didn't tell me that you still kept it for a little bit that's it for a long time I hit it why because I was waiting to see what you wanted to do with it well I would love if if I could have it do we have it no Ricky I don't think we have it I think what were you six seven I don't I thought it was closer to 10. Do you think this is a good time to tell your mother about the gum? No, but I wanted to know if you wanted to return it or whatever, but then you said, you know, you were afraid to return it.

I've confessed everything I've ever done. He stole gum. Mom, so we pulled a thing called theft and you wanted me to tell a story. And I remember, I remember stealing three things ever. I remember the Sandcastle. I remember when I was wanting to save up for a Game Boy, and I took a $50 bill off Dad's counter and I told you guys the next day. Uh-huh.

And then once I stole something from the, um, from, I don't want to say the name of the place, but a drug store by us on the circle. Although they did, they are out of business, so they'll never know. Yeah, but still. Yes, but, but you've repented and you've never lied nor stolen since. Honest, be honest, be kind, be silly. Yeah. But you're a kid, you've got to learn, you take something, you think, you don't realize what you're doing, but I learned, right, Mama?

I know, I mean, we've all done something. What's the worst thing you've ever done? Oh, yeah, let me put that on a podcast. All right. Anything you want to plug? Yeah, love you. All right, love you, bye. I guess we could plug my brother's restaurant,

The Greyhound in Highland Park and in Glendale. If you're in Los Angeles and you want some of the best cornbread you've ever had. I don't know if I want to eat on a bus. No, it's just, no, the Greyhound, it's actually a drink. I think Greyhound is grapefruit juice and some... What is the Greyhound drink? Grapefruit juice and gin mixed over ice. Oh, I was going to say something else.

What? Fuck off. Okay. um buddy what thank you that's really sweet thank you not nice yeah um buddy before we glow will you tell the folks where they can see you where they can watch your wonderful podcast where they can see you do stand-up comedy please tell the folks well just you know my instagram my tictok it's all just rick glasman my youtube it's rick glasman how about your podcast podcast is at youtube dot com slash rick glassman it's all rick glasteman and for those take your shoes off and uh uh your visits

both of them are fan favorites my one of my favorite things i've done the podcast was your second appearance when we called lemorn i don't know if you remember oh but then we ended up walking out and he was just doing voices and not knowing we were gone for a while yeah that was fun and we have a time you and i have a good time and if you have any doubt about his podcast when i got up to leave i think you saw what he could do with the podcast format and uh go see his podcast what's it called again take your shoes off take your shoes off thanks for having me harlan are you clitting me uh folks this is uh this has been rick glasman check him out check out his podcast go you should end every episode where bill mar is playing the next few weeks the way he does at the end of real

Oh, I should plug Bill Maher's gigs. Yeah. Go see Bill Maher. He's paying at Caesar's Palace in Vegas and at Morty's funeral home in Delaware. Okay. Folks, this has been Rick Glassman. And until next time, everybody, on the Hall of Highway podcast, Chicken Chowmaine. Thanks for having me.

And thanks for watching. I didn't say baby. I always say Chicken Chalman, baby. And then you stepped on it. Go ahead. Chicken Chalmain, baby. That sounds like Arnold Schwarzenegger, an alternate take. Your hair is not dry yet.

You better put your hat back on. All right, welcome to the bonus bacon. As I said, this is an interview situation where I literally just call myself on another phone line. and I interview myself as these fun characters. So I hope you like this crazy little interview. I love doing these. And it's something I used to do a lot on my old Harland Highway podcast when it just used to be audio.

And I really miss doing these characters. I love doing them and a lot of the fans of the old format of the Harlan Highway missed them too. So I'm trying to incorporate them more into this one. And even though it's just audio, hopefully you'll enjoy this sort of theater of the mind. And without further ado, let's get right to World War III with Tom Dowdy. Well, the world is clearly, truly in a state of chaos. What's happening in the Middle East, the fighting, the wars, other countries threatening to come.

into it, other countries getting involved, and many are saying we're on the doorstep of World War III happening, which is a terrifying situation for the world to be in. And many in this day and age can't really wrap their head around the concept of a global world war, especially here in North America and other, you know, westernized cultures where we get up every day and wrap our arms around our Starbucks and our Walmarts and our McDonald's and we sort of think of wars happening over there or somewhere else or to other people but when a world war starts everybody sort of gets involved that's why it's called a world war and I don't think many of us are equipped psychologically emotionally to deal

with it. And so we thought it would be appropriate to bring on board someone who does know war, someone who has spent time in the theater of war on many fronts. And that is someone who we talk to on the phone regularly here at the Harland Highway. He's a military expert. He's a decorated soldier, and I'm talking about captain, uh, uh, lieutenant, uh, department of security,

uh, Colonel, uh, Tom Doughty from, of the U.S. military. And, uh, I think we have them on the line. And, uh, let's, let's say hello to him and talk to him about the, the, the, the looming potential of a World War III. Maybe he can help us get our heads around it. Are you there, sir, Lieutenant Colonel, Staff Sergeant, Lieutenant, Commander Tom Dowdy. Are you there, sir?

Hello, citizen. You are a go. Pardon me, sir? You heard me. I don't like to repeat myself. You are a go, sir. Yes, sir, a go. Let us discuss.

Let's jump right into it. World War III. Oh, my gosh. What can you say? Can you comfort us? Can you advise us? Can you illuminate us? I can do whatever you want, civilian.

I've the decorated soldier that spent half my life in the service. You came to the right guy for the right information. Now put on your seatbelt. Straighten your tampon. And you're ready to go for a hell ride. Well, sir, that's a little crass. I mean... War is not pretty civilian.

If you want me to sit here and put a sundress on and put daisies in my hair and make little burning noises, I can do that. But I don't think you called me to talk about ring around the rosy. I think you specifically said, you wanted to talk about the hell that is World War III Well, yes sir

I guess you sort of put me in my place there a little And maybe I had it coming Because yes, we do need to talk about this And to be honest, I'm a little frightened I think most of the listeners are frightened And where you should be Let me tell you something about war civilian There's three letters in it

for what the fuck all right a is for asshole and r is for rotten tomato tamales were you going to say rotten tomatoes sir i was but i didn't want to endorse the movie critique website so i said rotten tamales well all those descriptive words you used definitely paint a picture of things that are distasteful things we don't like And that's exactly why I did it, civilian. War will leave a bad taste in your mouth. How so, sir? Have you ever woken up in a motel six in the morning? You've got pubic hairs in your teeth.

There's a shit stain on the wall, and the bathtub's full of onion soup. Sir? Answer the question, civilian. No, I've never stayed in a motel six with any of those circumstances. You will. Sir? You will. If World War III comes to your doorstep,

you're going to have more pubs in your teeth than a dragonfly that just flew through a fucking Chinese wig shop. Sir, what a Chinese wig shop! You wouldn't be civilian. War is hell. Well, I think we all get that, sir, but I think what we really want to know is this a possibility with the affairs that are going on in the world across the globe.

Do we have one foot in it right now? You've got one foot in it. And you're wearing a Russian ballet slipper on that foot. Whoa. And not only that, that Russian ballet slipper just danced through the park and slid through a big pile of a Rottweiler shit. Sir, what? Can we stop with the salty references, please?

Oh, here we go again. You want me to dress war up nice and pretty, uh, well, la-di-da-di-da, why don't I just run down to the local Walmart by seven or eight rolls of a pretty old Christmas rapper. Put your... Sir? Put your face in a blender and wrap it up till it smells like a shiny. Sir? Are you okay?

Have you been drinking? I'll wrap your face up like a Chinese gopher just popped out of the earth. Sir! What is going on there? Yeah, maybe I had a few drinks. But when you know war is just over the hill, the way I do, you're damn right, you're going to get sauced up. Sir, it's eight in the morning. So, suck a cucumber and boy.

Boyle me some shrimp, fuck face. Sir, can you stop with the salty language, please? I told you, war ain't pretty slim to you. Sir, if you could just elaborate more on how we deal, how we cope with this, it's upsetting. I think it's throwing people out of their rhythm. They're fearful of the future. And so you should be. and so you should be world war three

I think we all knew it was coming from when we were little children Well that's a pretty kind of doomsday statement sir Think about a civilian When you were three years old When you were five years old When you were six years old What were you doing outside of fucking rubbing dandelions On your little bald nuts out

Sir can you stop with the references What do you mean? What was I doing? when I was a kid. What were you doing? I don't know. I was sitting in front of the television, probably watching Sesame Street. Vingo.

And I believe the horror of war was instilled in you and all your little creepy perverted friends when you were just three, four, five, and six years old freak face. Sir, what do you mean exactly? World War III was instilled in us. Think about Sesame Street. You think it's there by design or by accident?

I'm not sure what you mean, sir. The powers of the American government run hard. They run deep. They run covertly. And they run on a psychological level that would make you burn your Nancy Drew books, rub the ashes all over your tits and jump through a plate glass window at Cracker Barrel

Sir, have you been drinking, jump through a plate glass window at Cracker Barrel? That's what I said, Samalia. What does Sesame Street have to do with World War III and all us growing up? There was a character on Sesame Street who liked the taste of blood. What? What? I like the taste of blood.

It wasn't Oscar the Grouch. That creepy green rag-rag mop that lived in a garbage can covered with plurial fleas. Well, sir. It wasn't Big Bird, that giant yellow freak with the crack cocaine eyes that bulged out of his head like he just sniffed someone's diaper behind the Denny's. Sir, please. I'm talking about the count. Oh, okay, yeah, the blood, the blood, okay, he was a vampire puppet. He was more than a puppet soldier.

He was a plant. Wait, well, what do you mean, sir? He was a covert plant placed there by the United States military when Sesame Street started back in 1974. Wait a minute, sir. What are you suggesting here? Think about it. What did the count? do well he counted start counting civilian what do you mean start counting down

the world wars sir that's an order uh okay sir uh uh world war one Sir? Keep going. Sir, what was that? Keep going, civilian. World War II. Sir, what are you doing? I'm not finished.

What are you doing, sir? Sir. You recognize that laugh. That let... Wait. Wait, is that the count? Correct, Sirrillion. After every number, he laughed.

Now, if you're starting to see the picture, keep fucking counting. Wait a minute, sir. Are you saying that... Keep fucking counting. You dairy queen sniffing Grass fed Ballerina boy Sir, can we stop with the names?

I said keep fucking counting World War Say it Sir Say it, you fucking snot-sniffing freak fucker Sir Sir

World War Three. Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, we get it, the count from Sesame Street. Why, why are you doing this? Why are you doing the laughing? What I'm trying to tell you, civilian, if you could take the time to take the wax out of your ears, and make a candle shape like a do-go, and shove it up your nose, you'd understand. World War III has been in the making since before you were born.

Wait, what? You think mankind, you think the civilized world just keeps on skipping through the field, sniffing the daisies, and eating the candy floss? Sir? No, the world revolves around war. Wait, what are you saying, sir? Every time there's a war, society shifts. Every time there's a war, history moves the needle.

Every time there's a war, and I hate to say it, but you know it's true, society advances. Wait a minute, sir, this is a little bit, you're getting a bit deep here. Think about it. The Industrial Revolution. Boom, came right after a war. Dr. Schultz. Sir? Dr. Scholes footpowder, boom, came right after a war.

Sir, wait a minute. Everything changes after a war, the economy, industry, technology. Do you know how many technological advances came out of Nazi Germany? Do you know how many technological advances came out of the United States? because war forced men to think war forced men to chase away the things they didn't understand

war forced men to find new solutions you see where I'm going here civilian sir in a way I scarily enough I think I do what you're saying is when there's a war looming and humans are in a place where they could perish,

maybe become extinct or destroyed, they dig deep and they find solutions and they build weapons and they build technology and they do what they have to do to fight back to surround themselves with the weaponry they need to survive. They go. Now here I was thinking you were just another. scarecrow's standing in a field of corn, playing with a Rubik's cube and rubbing mayonnaise on your ass crack.

But it looks like you figured it out, civilian. Well, I don't know if I feel more scared or more... I don't know what I feel after talking to you. That's because war is confusion. War is designed to destroy any reds. National thought. War is designed to eliminate. Whoa, sir.

I think I'm more scared now than when we first started talking. You should be. I told you at the beginning, civilian. War isn't a party. War isn't blowing out birthday candles. War isn't playing pin the tail on the donkey. War isn't putting on your mother's. nightgown covering yourself in relish and jumping around in a graveyard until your balls start to bleed

war is hell god sir i i i feel like the the the this is that this is this has been more haunting than it than it was relieving You better make sure we don't go to war. I'll be in my bunker watching TV. I'll be in my bunker eating pringles. I'll be in my bunker stroking my bald cat. And I'll be in my bunker making footprints on the ceiling with honeydew melon juice on the bottom of my fucking feet. Sir, what does that mean?

You tell me, David and Goliath lips. Sir, I think maybe... World War III. Do the laugh. Sir? To the laugh. The count? Do it.

Sir, I'm not about... World War. Three. Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah. Keep going. Ah, ah, ah, ah. Keep going. Longer.

Sir? Keep going. Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah. Sir, what is a heavy breathing all about? Keep laughing, you really are. Ah, ah, ah, ah. I'm almost there. Sir, I'm hanging up.

I'm hanging up. This is horrible. Don't you hang up. I haven't finished. Ah, no. Sir, stop it.

What, sir? What the, what the H? Whoa. What the H? All right, that was seriously creepy. Um, Wow. Well, there you go, folks.

World War III looming, and according to Lieutenant Colonel, left Staff Sergeant Tom Dowdy, it's all been in the works. We've all been groomed since we were little kids through Sesame Street. Please hang up and try again. No.