The Harland Highway - Craig Shoemaker-Comedian and actor and Cult escapee!

Episode Date: January 29, 2024

Craig Shoemaker talks mules, childhood memories, and his look-alike Kevin Costner!  See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

He's going to drive off this cliff to commit suicide because he's done. I mean, he's been betrayed, you know, even Christianity, his mentor, his fiance. His parents said, you are no longer our child. And a miracle occurred. He didn't make the left. He made the right. And then he texts me later. And I just met him that day.

Okay. And the text said, the reason I had drive. off the cliff. Someone had just handed me a CD of a comedian named Craig Shoemaker. He goes, I laughed until I cried.

He goes, life is worth living. Whoa. Because you are my friend forever. I will do anything for you. You saved my life. And to this day, this is a couple years later, he's my really good friend.

I walk with him. We talk and I challenge him on. I hope you don't drive with him. I count. You're riding down the Harland Highway. All right. on the Haarland Highway Show.

The, Yeah. Anybody does the in front of their name. What about the Hulk? Do you like, if the Hulk has the... I'll go with Hulk. You just won Hulk.

The Hulk. The Incredible Hulk. You can't just go Incredible Hulk. You can. How, testy little. And he didn't call himself that. That's what I'm saying. Well, he barely knew three words of English.

The Hulk was illiterate. And I think for you to come bust in here. Let's not waste. That's not waste. Well, for you to bust in here and make fun of the illiterate. I mean, it's not like the Hulk got a scholarship to DeVry or anything. How are you, guy? I'm doing great.

Kevin Costner here. I mean, it's true. You look like the cost. We went over this earlier. Yeah. took nine guesses by you and not, I said a lot of people think I look like somebody. Yeah.

And I think the only one you didn't guess was B. Arthur. I think that was the only one. Believe me. Give it a year. Just passed away. Did you not guess her? But your friend here said,

I'd look like the Fons. But you also had your shades on too. As soon as you took them off, I saw the Costner thing. No, you didn't. Actually, we gave the shades off and on a chance. And all guess.

were, I did say Carol Burnett. Yeah, that was one of them. That was off the with the glasses. So that's what that's listed with the Carol Burnett. Did you ever meet her, by the way? Have you built it? They will come.

My favorite movie. What, Carol Burnett? No. The Old Field of Dreams. It's your favorite. You know why? I just talked about this literally today. My dad left.

Today's today. My dad. You are talking about it today. Today. Well, this is plusing what I talked about. earlier today. Wait, you talk,

this is a secondhand conversation now? It's a second hand conversation, yes. We start the podcast. Could be a segue. You start with something you've already used up. Costner, I don't know you anymore.

It's just the beginning. Okay, so talk to me. My dad left when I was born. Left where? Our family. It was something I said. How ugly were you?

Wow. You popped out. He's like, I'm out of here. That's it for this. Didn't really? I did have a cone. That breaks my heart.

I had a cone shape. head apparently. My mom tells me that all the time. You must have come out real easy then. And my grandmother, looked at me. He's, oh, he's cute. My mother said that she always said, but she was like the worst actress ever, like he's not cute at all. So anyway, my dad left. Did he ever, before you go on, though, I got to ask, because you had a cone-shaped head. Did they, did they ever put you in the trunk and spray paint your head orange? And then when they needed a parking spot, they just put you out with your toys and sat you in front. I'm just asking for them. By that time. By that time. it was down. They must have pushed it down. So now it's, now it just went out. So I have a size

eight head. My sister calls me the human eclipse. So you'd sit in the corner and they'd put like dictionaries on your head and just try to, the encyclopedia. Yeah, it's kind of like a forest company wears the braces and he ends up walking okay. I ended up with a decent head that looks like Kevin Costner if you're squinting. You do, you look like them. You're a handsome lad. You do look like them. So you saw Carol Burnett. Well, that's, or your dad saw, No, my dad. Why am I wrecking your story? I'm telling you what you are trying to tell me.

But that's what happens when you come in here when you've already burnt through it earlier. Yeah. Let's pretend it's fresh. Okay. Carol Burnett, go. No, Kevin Costner, go. My dad left. So that scene when he says, one, I have a catch with his dad.

That kills me every time. You in Canada was like, hey, dad, pass the puck. I guess that would be the equivalent or something. Can you slap shot on me? how about a wrist shot some line like that for some Canadian movie that has a father's son relationship so the father builds an ice rink instead of a football field or a baseball if you freeze it it will come if it freeze it we will slide we will slide into a beautiful relationship for through eternity okay that's your version of it which we haven't seen yet that could be

yeah rink of dreams didn't they already make that fro Wasn't that what Disney movie was about? Whole other, whole other direction. Wait, so when you watch Field of Dreams, it's a killer. My son one time queued it up for a Father's Day gift. I sit in my Barker Langer and he goes, watch Dad, and he queued it up just to that scene.

I'm going to turn it off. How many dogs do you have? Kids? Dogs. I have one dog. Where did that come from? One dog and you've got a Barker lounge? Oh, wow.

That's a strange. stretch. I mean, you're pretty much known for some brilliance on the spot on your ass in this particular case. That wouldn't be one of them. I'm not going to rank that up high. And that had to go so far when you have to explain it. There's an old saying when you have to explain it. Wow. Bark a lounger to how many dogs do you have? I'm going, I have one. Where is he going with this? And he went there. If you set it up, they won't come. They won't laugh. so yes that's what he would do that's what he would do my son to torture me why would you do that

knowing i don't know i mean this is wow i had all these kids now and now they're reversing everything i gave them everything i had kids so i can give them everything i longed for wow so one of them was a pole vaulter again i just i had to try and make up for the bar ironically i was a pole balter you were that's a little odd that you would go there i did pole vault yes how far well Or how high? I only made it to as far as you could go without bending the pole. Once that happened, once we're out of the 1950s and you had to bend the pole and catapult over the pole, I kind of hit my limit, ninth grade.

I was a good pole in ninth grade when you just had the pole. And as far as the pole went, that's how far you went. Then they were going, whoa, you got a literally catapult. Yeah, yeah. With this, it's the hardest sport ever. I ended up beating one guy, though. I remember that. And he was in the Olympics.

I beat him because... No legs, Johnny. Because he looked at me, he started laughing at me. And he, so he set his bar, like, his first jumps were, like, way, way high. Oh. So I won by default because he didn't hit his three jumps. Is that where the term he set the bar too high came from? Exactly.

From pole vaulting? Probably. If it's a segue that works, let's go with it. I think that's probably it. Let's do some research. No, but you got to be. happy sitting here knowing that you're part of an iconic saying. Yeah.

Jesus Christy. I'm part of a, because I poll vaulted. I'm part of the saying set the bar too high. She set the bar too high. That guy did. He did and I ended up winning. How much higher did you jump than him or vault?

Well, I didn't jump higher than him. He set it at 15 feet or whatever. Like, oh, and he hit the thing. And I'm there, I'm there a bare, minimum where the high jumpers are going over it's not a pole you pole vaulted over the high jumpers bar exactly i picture you running down the thing your bar goes up and instead of you going like that you just hit the bar and slide back down to the ground

hey i made it wow yeah into the pit i had my own pit in my backyard and when i was a kid what do you mean to your old pit well i had i dug a hole and i used uh bamboo like i found these bamboo poles because we lived at this place that had plumbing. My mom had a lot of rentals. We used to, I thought the word evict meant move when I was a kid. We used to get evicted a lot. You did? Yeah. Here's the eviction truck mommy. And then we pack up and go, this is one of the spots we lived. He had these poles that I found. I go, let's make pole. So I would take old cushions and stuff. And that was our pit. And then a hole. And I would come barreling down there. And then the pole would break. And where would you get the bamboo? Because that

grows mainly in China. That's what I'm saying. He had it in his plumbing supply area. I just stole these these i don't know why he had bamboo was he a chinese plumber no no italian guy and a little greenhouse too i used to go into the greenhouse but that was like one of the places we lived we rented lived in a greenhouse yeah somewhat when we needed heat you just went out to the greenhouse because we didn't have heat and we didn't have air conditioning with a giant fan without sounding mean i think i'm starting to figure out why daddy left I mean, living in a greenhouse with eight kids and one of them jumping around on a Chinese bamboo stick? Yeah.

Dude. Do you think he was Nostradamus and predicted? That's what I would turn out to be. And it had to do with him leaving because we didn't have money. I'm just close to walking off my own show just hearing this bullshit. Dude. But wait, dude, that breaks my heart because father something. Did you ever meet your dad after the fact?

Oh, I know. I knew him well. I just buried him. a few months ago. I ended up knowing him well. He became a cult leader. He had his own cult. And I know you're looking to me like...

I love this. I'm not like you, Harlan. I just want to say, most of what I do in my act and in my life is reality. It's reality. Yeah, I don't go, Carol Burnett. You look like Carol Burnett. The Carol Burnett. What's the Carol Burnett?

I'm not saying you're married Tyler Moore. I wouldn't go there, okay? I wouldn't mind it. So most of what I say has base in reality. Yeah. And most people go, wow, that can't be real. That's what's unusual. What was the name of the cult?

It was Pocono Adventures on Mules. It was in the Pocono Mountains of Pennsylvania. And he had a harem. He called it his harem of eight, no, 14 women at his maximum. And one of the times I had, one of the times I had that was really fun and unique. Wow. Did you ever play the Poconos? No.

I don't, I don't even know any of the Pokemon characters. It's Pikachu. No, it's in the. Pennsylvania, and it's like the blue-collar honeymoon capital of the northeast. Oh, yeah, it's like the heart-shaped pool. Not a tub, a heart-shaped pool in the room. Yeah, it was kind of like the Niagara Falls, but in the mountains, like really cheesy. Real cheesy. Yeah, yeah. 10-foot high champagne glass jacuzzi in your room, 10-foot high. Oh, yeah, you're wondering.

Stains. Oh, yeah. Howie Mandel couldn't last a minute in that with the black light and everything. Oh, you're that way, too? No, I'm not a germ guy. I could care less. So, so I'm performing there, and a guy's giving me a tour. And they think I'm some Hollywood guy. They sent a limo to airport and everything. So he's given me a tour. I'll never forget these words. And I hadn't seen my dad in years. He's got this harem. And he calls it his harem. You know, he's got a mother daughter and stuff like that. So he's loving on all these women? Yeah, yeah. How many of them? 14 at his max. That was his maximum. One time, one time, remember Richard Jenny? Yeah. Yeah. So be him, and it's like Glenn Farrington, a comedian of you know him. The three of us were

touring the Poconos doing colleges. And I said, stay at my dad's. And I'll never forget this line from Rich Jenny. We're sneaking in. And he would choose who would sleep with them. He calls himself the king of the Poconos. He'd choose out of the 14 wives. You get to sleep with me because you did a good job today working with the mules or

whatever. So then he would, so you would see one empty sleeping bag and that's who won the award that day. He set it up to be like a contest, you know, you get to be with me. Wait, the women slept in sleeping bag? Yeah. Yeah. Outside?

No, in the like the living room area. and stuff. So we're, we have, they have sleeping bags ready for us, me and the two other comedians. We're touring the Poconos. And I'll ever forget, I said, we're tiptolling. I go, shh, Jenny. Richard, Jenny, you're going to wake up my father. You go, shoo, shoo. Fuck your old man and the mule he rode in on. Wow. So then we went on mule rides the next day. Jenny's in this like shiny Brooklyn suit. You have any ass trays or you have any ponies that Jesus rode? I got to tell you when you got a dad who's got 14 women, though, that takes on a whole new meaning if you build it she will come and and 75 mules wow what was with the mules

gigantic the women weren't enough no no the mules would take that's how he made this money was take people through the mountains on like tours like going down the grand canyon exactly he did this in the polka nose so the guys give me a tour he's got this like shimokin coal miner accent from from pennsylvania he goes over here Craig he thinks i'm from hollywood he goes over here you got you're a racquetball and over here you got coits you know what coits are you know what coits are Craig you know coates like coy fish no they're called coates what's a coy it's like it's kind of like horseshoes oh you go oh you know oh you don't know what coits are out there in california and he looks up he goes oh my garsh there's a j shoemaker and his harem what's that nut doing here and i got to

go that's my dad and he walks up i hadn't seen him a years he goes uh he takes my cheese tray you know they give you a complimentary cheese he goes dude judy loves guta what the hell So he brought the cheese tray back to the ranch to the... Oh, I thought that was one of the girls, like a Vietnamese girl. Judy loves Gouda. No, Judy, like Gouda cheese. Oh, I thought that was her name. No, no, Judy loved the...

She loved, you know, just like probably Sally liked American, whatever. Wow. Anyway, I... Listen, I... He signed people up that night after my show. He's there with a clipboard. Tell him who the real lovemaster is, and he signed him up for mule rides. The next day, there we were.

Father and son telling stories, you know, about us together, which we were rarely together when I was growing up. I got to tell you, when you hear a story about a father abandoning the family and the son, yeah, which is traumatic, psychologically traumatic to a child, two of the family unit, you usually don't want anything to do with the father. But when I hear a story about daddy's got a ranch with 14 bunnies running around, that's when you want to get back with daddy. Mom, I'm going to live with daddy.

but daddy abandon you i don't care he's got 14 hotties walking around see ya i didn't say they were hot oh were they rock you got a differation from the mules he used to say to me these broads have heart you can be you can be part of my empire it's he called himself the king of the polonos he can be part of the empire said i'm going to be prince of the polkaos i can't wait for that because these broads have heart they have no teeth wow they'd be meant to didn't finish the sentence they have a heart time eating sometimes some of them didn't some uh uh Some of them were okay, but they weren't bunnies and no. I actually got in business with them for a little bit.

Me and my buddies helped them build the mule ranch. So is that the name of the brothel, the mule ranch? Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No, yes, yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse.

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Nancy Drew? Pamela. What was her name? Anderson? No. Oh. There's another Pamela or something. Anyway. Daughter. So Daddy abandons you. He's carrying on as a cult with all these girls. I have to conclude that there's other abandoned children. Interesting, you should say that. There has to be, right? Interesting, you should say that. His first, the first member who was like his, like, she was his guard. Like she would, like, she would be the one calling my mother saying, where's the child support? My mother would say, and he never paid child support. And she'd say, where is it? And this was the one who said, oh, it's in the mail. And she defended him. And she was like his first, like, majorly dedicated to him. Okay. And then, then the cult started to form.

It started with Anne, who I knew, because I actually hung out with them one summer, and I caught a shark and was like a really big father-son bonding moment. I did one summer. I did hang out with him the entire summer. One summer with your dad and you caught a shark? Yeah. Most kids are lucky if they catch a perch and you got a shark. 90-pound shark.

What kind? It was a tiger shark. It was 90 pounds. And it was amazing. Did you know when you, they shot it between the eyes to kill it as it as it was coming out, you know. So you were fishing with a rifle? No, they stay alive. They're gutted and they're still alive.

Wow. Yeah, you would touch it and it would like, you know, flinch. It was crazy. And then, and oh, here, God, a lot of, a lot of stuff going on here. Get it out. Get it out. Get it out. And then we'll start the podcast.

He's eating. He's eating this, the shark. He goes, oh, this is alive. This is good meat. No, we cooked it and dipped in butter. I thought you said it was still alive. No, I'm saying once we got back and made steaks out of it. What kind of?

What kind of. of weapon did you use to shoot it? They used a rifle. I was ninth grade, so it was the older people did that. Okay, but was a 22 caliber? Yeah, it was a 22, yeah. So, between the eyes. Right between the eyes. And then, so then now they gutted it and made steaks. And he's eaten, it goes, this is good meat. He goes, you know what? Recreation is in the number one, this is the act like he talks. Recreation is the number one

industry in the world. We're going to make shark boats. He goes in a magazine and sees these landing crafts from Normandy and invasion of terror war, whatever, you know, those things bring up, and then the doors flop down, the door's flop down. Exactly. And then all the people pour out. And then you shoot the people. He goes and he says, look at these. They're only a buck. We'll prepare the bullet holes and make shark boats. Wow. So now, this is before the mules. So now we're going to get a shark boat. I don't know if you want to throw into the Normandy theme. I mean, that's a little, you know, people rushing off the boat to go fishing and there's people lined up in a bunker taking shots

at them. No, because he said you bring the shark in and there's this giant area where the shark can be in these, he's making shark boats out of the landing crafts because they were, they were dry docked in Norfolk, Virginia. We went down to Norfolk, me and my father. He sticks me in a car with some guys snoring and, of course, he sleeps in the cab of the truck. And we towed these things.

He bought a beach. And we towed these things. He bought a beach now. He bought a beach. Because you need a place to shoot the sharks. No, you got to have a place to put. the boats. He had six of these things. And the tourists. You needed a machete. There's horseshoe crabs and shopping carts. So he's get this beach and all of these things landing

crafts that he's going to make into shark boats. And my sister's going to run the bait shop. He's got an old vision. He's a visionary. He's a cult leader. It's been going on for years. He's been. And then before that, he calls my mother, goes, you want your child support? Invite your big breasted friends over. She says, why? He's selling bras meets Amway, like a multi-level marketing bras. Oh, okay. I thought he was shooting tits now

because those stay alive long after he shoot him too. He's selling these things. He goes, I'm looking at the living room. There he is with my aunt, Dottie, and friend, not real aunts, but Aunt Dottie, and friend, Ann Barber. He goes, hey, Doddy, show how it lifts

and separates. They're all in bras. He's smoking a pipe. This is our three class model for the full figure woman. I'm just going, that's my dad. Wow. He's like my idol. Like, my whole life. He got to be an idol.

He kept doing these different businesses but the mules is what he landed on he landed on mules well you got to figure when your old man wakes up in the morning puts a slug between a tiger shark's eyes that's probably the gateway to being a cult leader right there oh anyway so well i knew that i had a sister based on the first one okay who moved to michigan and escaped the cult didn't have anything to do with them and i tried to find her because that's my system of my half sister. I think you're going to hide pretty good when your dad's a shark shooting cult leader, donkey riding plowmaster. Carol Burnett looking. Yeah, I won't be found by anyone. So I, she found me.

So now she's my sister. So now I have no way. Is there a good bond, a good relationship? Great. You must have countless. She's so funny. Is she? She's so funny. And I gave her away at her wedding. No way. What the groom say? He leads. likes me. We all get along. He likes you after you gave her away. You know, they were there to be. It was a lifetime union and whatever. But you must have some enchanting, wonderful stories. You guys just sit there and tell story after story about the old man. She doesn't have. Oh, because she, she ducked out when she was really young. She has, she has a few. She had her own mule that she used to brag about because I never got my own mule.

When she turned 16, Daddy got her mule. You're going to need this for the prom, little lady. God, dude, this is, you did say at the top of this that I'm the one that doesn't live in reality, right? This is my reality, though. At least mine's real. I don't really look like Carol Burnett, but I really did have a dad who's a cult leader running mule rides and selling bras and making shark boats out of landing crafts. You know, there's a thing called Google. We're going to verify all of this.

I love it. I mean, I just felt like. passed away. So I don't know how much legacy is left. And I was the one who handled his funeral and his stuff. I inherited all the debt. When did it happen? Last year, last year. Like, like, not, not that long. We had a military funeral. He was in the Navy for a little bit. So it was, and my mom, my mom has always, like, said how horrible he was. Like, my whole life. This is crazy. And you loved him. It's crazy how my mom is. Oh, I learned how to deal with anything in life.

I mean, I really learned a lot about life. And I've had a great life because I'm not going to live in resentment. Good for you. A guy kidnapped me. You'd think I'd hate him, but no, I forgave him. Wait, someone kidnapped you? Yeah, I was kidnapped for five days. Hold on.

Let me hit the theme music. Ladies and gentlemen, we're just getting started here. Welcome, uh-huh, that's right. You on the Holland Highway podcast. the prelude? That was the pre. That was just the warm up, folks. We haven't even got to the kidnapping yet. We're here with Craig Shoemaker,

hilarious comedian, writer, philanthropist, does charity work, creates shows, movies, stand-up, actor. I mean, what haven't you done? I think you might be becoming your dad. You're becoming your dad. Do you have donkeys? Truthfully. Yeah. I wrote

a script about it. So it's just closest I'm going to get that have the mules in it. It's by By the way, the mule's not donkey. Isn't it funny, though, that your dad was so multifaceted. Yeah. And even though you didn't know them, it's funny how we inherit things from our parents. Because you're one of the guys I know that are always doing things. Yeah.

You're always, you're kind of like me. You like to dip into all kinds of mediums. You like to tackle all kinds of projects. It's admirable. It's fun. Do you have something inside of you that just says, I have no limits? Yeah. Everyone's so limited.

And it would have put you in a, and it's also to our detriment. too, because people want a pigeonhole you. They want you to be the reluctant astronaut or whatever. Yeah. They want, that's you, your entire life. That's what they want or the ab guy or whatever. They want you to be that.

They do. And that I never listen to that voice. Of course. I don't even. That's the limiting voice. It says, you know, with me, do Barney Five, do the love master, whatever it is. You know, that we, you know, we made money on these things. It's fantastic.

But we are unlimited in our human potential. Yeah. Thank you. That's important for people to know. Exactly. And tapping into it, I'm not going to listen to your, you know, your thinking, like an agent's thinking. The agents did just look up some stats or algorithms or whatever it is. No, I'm just going to go with whatever this creative source tells me that day.

Today, I told you, I just booked a horror film that I wrote. That's right. You know what I mean? It's like, I don't, and then later I have a client that I mentor in transformation. You know what I mean? Like, it doesn't, at each one, I can show up and be present. Yeah. But part of it, seriously, though, I mean, not seriously, but.

Yeah. But part of that process is to process these things that don't keep me down from my life. Like I was destined to not be successful or have anything. Poverty, you know, all of that, you know, kidnapped by serial pedophile, my dad leaving. All those things should lead to prison, rehab, and all that. But I'm going, no, use that to help others and keep it now that I'm here. You're here. Look where I made it to.

So let's circle back. It used to be wanted to be on Johnny cars, but now it's the Harlan Highway. You know, it's the whole buzz in the community. What? The Harlan Highway. Have you done Harlan Highway? Oh, yeah. Everyone wants on the highway.

And I want everyone to be on the highway. Yeah. But let traffic jams on the highway. I've got an accident on the highway. I've never been invited to the actual highway, though. Now, today. Wait a minute. You're right here.

Today, here it is. Here you are, guy. And I got to hear this story of a, being abducted. What the, I've only had four guests on the Harlan Highway that have been abducted. So you're the six.

Were they all aliens though? Mine, unfortunately was not an alien. No. I wish it was. Wait, you got abducted by a petio? Yeah.

Yeah. Cereal. Yeah. What kind of cereal? Uh, Cap and Crunch. Oh, that's the messy kind.

Yeah. The hat. The hat. That's how we got you. That's how he hooked you. Like Captain Crunch, kid? I had to soak that for four days. before I could eat it safely.

The toy was softer than the captain conch. I shouldn't joke. Remember the toy? Oh, the toy. You should look forward to the toy. They don't give them anymore. Well, what I used to do is I used to do with my little four-year-old arm, I dig right to the bottom.

And with Captain Crunch, you'd come out, it looked like you were putting your arm through barbed wire at a cattle wrench. You'd come out, there'd be lacerations and cut, and you'd reach down and get this shitty little toy. Yeah, a magnifying glass. You're burning bugs. Yeah, you'd go out and burn ants. And then, and I would say that they should put something in our metamusel.

Just to bring, you know, look a stapler. Wait, you're on metamusil. Post-it notes. Wow. Like adult toys. Something for adults. Yeah. Or adult toys.

Vibrator. That should loosen up your stool. I'm just saying. What a, see how we create this, patent pending. Patent Oswald. Now, wait a. second tell me this i mean this is a this is a touchy topic i mean we're we're gonna put some no pun intended it's a little touchy we're gonna put some comedy on it to lighten it up but we're not going to be insensitive

to it but tell me this story i didn't know this about you well if you want if it's too oh no it's not no not you're okay talking not only okay okay okay it helps it helps others because oh there you go i'm of service to people that's why i'm in the laughter business you know i was going to actually ask you why you are a comedian what what drives you what drives me is how healing it is how i watch people say a guy it works for me for instance he said he went to this show 20 years ago in ontario and he went with a guy and a guy after the show he goes i so needed this he says i didn't tell you this i was going to commit suicide today oh dude you know and then i have another guy this this minister that i met and he tells him to the congregation he's

same. Just so unclear, it was your, it was your act? He was going to commit suicide, but then saw your act? Yeah, yeah. And he still didn't go through with it. He didn't go through with it. And he gives credit to he got through that day because he laughed his ass off and life is worth living. So this minister that I met, and he tells this at this congregation where I spoke, and he tells the story about 28 years ago, he was studying to be a pastor, and he had this best friend, was his mentor, and a guy had a wife and three kids, and he had a fiancee and Christianity. He takes her to this parents, and he says, she's pregnant. And they said, get out of this house.

You either abort that child or you're not our child anymore. So he said, I can't do that. He leaves the house. He's disowned. She takes her ring and puts it on the dashboard. She goes, sorry, I'm not going to marry you. This is not even your child. It's his best friend's child who betrayed him.

The guy who's teaching of Christianity with wife and three kids. The priest? This minister. He's not a minister yet. This is 28 years ago. So he's completely suicidal. He knows exactly how he's going to, commit suicide. I'm going to drive off a cliff to the left. He's been driving on this road

for a while. It's down by San Diego. He's going to drive off this cliff to commit suicide because he's done. I mean, he's been betrayed, you know, even Christianity, his mentor, his fiance. His parents said you are no longer our child. And a miracle occurred. He didn't make the left. He made the right. And then he texts me later. And I just met him that day. And he texts me, I was at a Kenny Logan's concert, listened to this song called Peace of Mind, which was beautiful, was very ethereal. Okay. And the text said, the reason I drive off the cliff is someone had just handed me a CD of a

community named Craig Shoemaker. He goes, I laughed until I cried. He goes, life is worth living. Whoa. Because you are my friend forever. I will do anything for you. You save my life. And to this day, this couple years later, he's my really good friend.

I walk with him. We talk and I challenge him on. I hope you don't drive with him. I count. I should have taken him here to the highway. This is what you're supposed to drive on, Rob, a highway. Yeah. Not a cliff.

Leave that blinker off. I'm glad he put the blinker to the right. He's a really close friend now. That's amazing. And I challenge him on some of the religious questions that I have. And he brings him to the pulpit. I go to the church. Good for you.

I go check it out. I go check, you know, because I'm not narrow-minded. I know, you know, I want to find out what makes everybody spiritual, what makes everybody tick, what makes everybody happy. happy is we should share these joy spots in our lives instead of everything's about misery and division and anger and misplaced anger misplaced rage like i don't have any rage towards the guy that did that to me or my father all but just to give it context and i don't want to get too graphic i'll leave that up to you but we don't know the story since when would you actually edit

anything to do i mean if there's graphic or okay or visual how he touched you I mean, I mean, we want to know the origin story. I can let you know the story is this. It's very basic. Yeah. I wanted a father. I didn't, my father, my father abandoned us. And, you know, you'd only come back every so often with a new, you know, scheme or whatever.

Yeah. So, uh, this guy, I met him after a Philadelphia Eagles game. I was really into, you know, things that would make me a man. You know what I mean? Yeah. Football. Yeah. Yeah.

Looking for, looking for, you know, being a man. And this guy, meet this guy. He takes me into the locker room and introduces me to all these players. I was like, wow, he had access. So he was a coach or something? No, he was like a former player from the old Bears team or something like that. He's still alive? Big handlebar mustache.

There's no way he's alive. Tom Seleck. Handlebar mustache, dust her coat and a big cowboy hat. And he goes, he said, hey, let's go meet. So I meet them. And then he starts taking me to games. and I'm drinking with them out of the flask. How old were you?

Thirteen. Drinking. I was a young 13. I started drinking about 11, 12 years old, heavy drinking. So. Alcoholic? Yeah, yeah. Oh, that's like major. I mean, I...

At 11. I would pour all the booze I could find from all the rich people. I hate it rich people, but they were good for their booze. Their liquor cabinets, I would visit friends or babysitting jobs. Pour it all into a mason jar, called it weasel piss, and just drank that down, drank that I closed my nose. All I cared about is what it did. I didn't care about taste.

Wow. Never did. At 11, 12, yeah. And then, but 13. You couldn't just buy a skateboard? I still, I skipped the skateboard face of my life. I can't believe it.

Wow. Okay. If I could have hooked up like a, you know, a hat that serves the beer at the same time. If I had one of those things. So you meet this football guy. And then he says, I'm going to take you to Washington, D.C. And I started bragging to my friends. Wow.

We're going to stay in a five-star hotel with a guy with the white gloves opening up our limo door. We get there. We took a train. It was a blizzard. It was a major, major ghetto. It was a ghetto in Washington, D.C. With a guy behind, he was behind a steel cage and gave him a skeleton key to the room. And we got up there and it had two beds.

He slams the door. I want one bed to be with my buddy. And then I knew things were not going to go well. And I've always been a resilient guy, though. Yeah. I really, even my comedy career, whatever, my whole career. Yeah. Has been about resilience being the brilliance.

I mean, and I got through that five days with no phone, no way to get out with this guy just coming and feeding me. Obviously, did he assault you? No, you didn't get, truthfully, you didn't get that far. Okay. I'm not going to get the script. If that's something that's like, yeah, that's what I was saying. It really turns to people. Well, it turns people off.

They get uncomfortable. They're probably turning off right now. But they better not. The only reason I'm saying it is because I know people that things have happened to, including my neighborhood, some guys. I have a friend Paul who's very courageous and he confronted this guy in our neighborhood. What I'm saying is if you don't, you're only as sick as your secrets. If you don't release these things, that person does not have the keys to my jail.

This guy, Ben Rousher was his name. He does not have the, he's not my warden. Yeah, yeah. So I release him. by forgiving him. I release him by saying, by saying it's okay that he just took that path in his life and how unfortunate that he had to live like that. I don't have to live like that. I don't have to live like that. I can learn from all of those people, my dad, whatever it is. I can learn from all of them what not to do, what not to be and give my kids everything that they would long for,

everything I longed for. Yeah. Here's the funny thing about it, though. They really don't. They what? What? The kids don't want what I think they want because that's my wounds to heal. This is what I'm learning, by the way. Yeah, yeah. Like, they're going, what are you talking about? I didn't have any of those problems. Yeah. I raised my kids in the suburbs, you know, everything. They want. Yeah. So their problems are a whole other world. Are they drinking? So, you know, one's, one's pretty much. Yeah. Yeah. He might a, do you remember the, the movie Pope of Greenwich Village? Yeah. I love that movie, but they have a line in there. He's got the champion jean charlie he's got you jerk off the horse charlie he's got the champion gene charlie it hurts so much charlie anyway eric roberts wow you looked like kevin costner doing eric roberts unbelievable but dude can i just interject the champion gene is there wow i inherited from my dad

you get you you've been carried but you're a big man for being able to throw out the word forgiveness. What you've been through, forgiveness is such a crucial part of growth of healing. It is. And you know, you often see people who have had a child murdered or been molested or this and that. And you go, how can you forgive? But what you just said there is inspirational to everyone. Some people go, what an idiot. I know. I know. But when you've been the victim. They expect a joke to come out every five minutes. But when you're the victim of something, If you don't forgive, you end up carrying, like you said, that burden. Because when you forgive, I don't even know how to explain it,

but you release everything. You don't allow them to carry their bullshit on your back. Because if you keep it in and for you to... You're only as sick as your secrets. That's so crucial. And it's such a sickness that exists. It's a toxicity. Good for you.

And anyone who is angry with me right now for bringing this up, they probably have something to work on. They shouldn't be angry. Oh, there's lots of people. Well, there might be. I talked about some of this stuff before, not in detail. But a lot of the reaction is really. And I think you've got to understand that because it's such a touchy area,

but you have to understand again. Touchy. Such a probing topic. You know, I'm having flashbacks. Sorry, God, sorry. I was fine. And so you said nine times touchy. Sorry.

But, yeah. It's, it's like, you can see why people might get mad about it, but it's because maybe they haven't forgiven or they don't know how or they don't want to. And I'm not saying you have to. Yeah, you do. But, well, maybe. You do. You do. I don't want to tell anyone how to do it, but I think you, yeah, I agree with you. Yeah. But you can't say, hey, you've got to forgive because you can never force a horse to drink, right? Of course. Of course. All I can share is my experience is, yes, I needed to, to free myself up to be able to create this much, to be able to have success in this business, to be able to have success in relationships and long-term relationships I've

had for decades. Yeah. It's because I'm free to do that. If I carry around the burden of these resentments and anger and misplaced rage, which a lot of the world is in, our mental health situation right now. And that's, by the way, why I can take a time in this podcast that's funny and it's about being funny. You're interviewing a stand-up comedian, you know, traditional stand-up comedian. But that's why I do want to take the time to let people know that there's another alternative

to what you're being taught and the echo chambers that we're in. You don't have to be left or right. I left the left this year. Yeah. I'm happy that I did. I'll never go full right. I'll never go full left.

Never again. Yeah. And I'm really happy being in this space. Make your own decision. Yes. Be authentic, even though a lot of people, they say, be authentic, but be authentic the way we want you to be authentic. They want to dictate how a comedian, like we're supposed to be a mirth monkey.

Yeah. You know what I mean? Amuse me, fool. Yeah, yeah. And dance. In their way. Yeah. But it's not going to be that way.

We're going to have to just keep listening to this creative source that drives us. Well, what I like about what you said is even if people get mad or they don't like the topic, it's like at least it's out there. And then they can at least hear what you said. and maybe it marinerates, maybe they, maybe over years or even a decade, they might, you know, it's like your friend who didn't take that turn. Maybe there's a little seed with you sharing this hard story. Exactly.

Something germinates in them that maybe helps them. And maybe one day they, sometimes forgiveness is a place you have to arrive at. And imagine if you had your child murdered or you were raped or something. Some people can't get there. Most people have a tragedy that you're telling you. where there's something, there's some obstacle in your life. How do you deal with it? I'm actually coaching it now.

Oh, you are? Oh, yeah. I'm helping people self-transformation, personal transformation. Can you tell people where you do that just quickly? Well, I do it online. I have a lot of clients. I have one today later. And I have a program literally to deprogram our thoughts.

Look, we've been programmed from the beginning, right? Yeah. You're born. You're, woo-hoo. This is awesome. Yeah. Boom. Social security card, birth certificate.

You're in the system. Boom. Program. Yeah. And then they're going to tell you, here's your reward for compliance. Do this. Memorize this and you'll get an A. But they're picking what you learned and they act like that makes you smart.

It just makes you good at memorizing and regurgitating. It doesn't make you smart. Yeah. So I'm about let's get to who you really are. Amazing. Let's peel away all of that and get to the true core of who you are, which is love, light, levity, laughter. That's who we are until they get a hold of this and we get rewarded for it.

Like, if you go to war against a country that has nothing to do with anything, it's all complete, you know, every war, just about every single war, is complete bullshit. It's somebody else's drama. Exactly. And you're dying for it. And then you're going to go sacrifice yourself for that. And what's the reward? You get a nice burial and you get a...

Do you? You get a medal. What's nice about a burial? Your fucking dad. My dad did the gun salute. It was a little touching. Oh, did they kill any sharks? Hey, folks, if you're watching, if you're watching,

I just hear a shark, I want you to pay attention to a master of his craft that's called the callback. And he is the king of callbacks. I will predict in about seven minutes he will bring back Carol Burnett. The Fonds. The other part of the craft is don't give it away. Oh, that's right. It's like a magician.

I did, I, I was never, On the Carol Burnett, hey, on the Costner, shark. I always admire magicians for that for keeping the creed. X-Nay on the culta, hey, X-Nay on the donkey burrows, eh, X-Nay on, well, dude, did you, when you undertake these sessions without getting too personal, that's probably a lot of emotional downloads you're receiving. Is there a lot of crying? and breaking down. I haven't had much of that. And I have a course and I haven't

much crying in that. But what I do is I teach people how to find more fun, how to be funnier, and to use that as your base of life as opposed to everything else we're taught is the opposite. The news doesn't have anything funny about it.

The news is all chosen to keep you in fear and doubt and worry. And then they sell you prescription drugs or their insurance or whatever it is. It's a system that they're manipulating it. manipulate. I was talking to people that say they're woke now. Even that is such, it's such crap because when you look at it, it's woke that I will choose the marginalized people that you must be behind. But I can guarantee there's not a news station. They're going, okay,

what's our, what's our stuff that ain't? Somebody goes, I've got, there's genocide in Yemen. They're going to go. No, no, no, no, no, no. We don't care about Yemen. Yeah. Well, what about America? Actually, there's some stuff that's going on around here. Yeah, I heard they put smallpox in children's blankets. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. We're not going to talk about that. They pick it. Okay, we're going to talk about Ukraine. Now we're going to move it over Israel. And now, and if people don't go along with this, now it's Black Lives Matter. Here's the matters that we're going to tell you, here's your ribbon. Here's your hashtag. And if you don't go along with it, you're not woke and you're going to be canceled. Yeah. What I say is, hey, who are you to choose

my cause who I should be behind? I'm behind humanity, period. You know what I call it? This is how is simplified. I call it the Baskin-Robbins theory. You walk, you walk into Baskin-Robbins with any other human being. Are you going to let them tell you what flavor to pick? It's a good point. If you go, I want mint chocolate chip and they go, oh, no, you don't. You want chocolate or you want strawberry. You're going to go, no, I want mint. Like, no one should be able to tell you what to choose. And the worst part is their disdain if you don't choose the milk chocolate chip. And how they're going, they have a gang mentality to see to it. He doesn't do Chip. He doesn't you've been chocolate chip.

Yeah. You know, I don't even know if we should let him in here. Well, but the other thing is once they kick him out, is he gone?

Let's have some min chocolate chip. You know what I mean? Like this is he gone? People look around. They're looking around for their sense of self. Yeah, but this is my final point on this.

It's like whenever you get into a situation to simplify it down where you feel coerced or are pressured or corralled, just think of Baskin Rob and they go, you know what? I'm entitled to my fucking flavor. Yeah.

You have your. I'll have mine. Nobody tells me what flavor. What is your flavor? What is your flavor? Oh, it is. That was real. It did seem real.

It wasn't Israel. It was just been chocolate chip. I just made it up. I like a cheesecake flavor. A Baskin-Robbins? A cheesecake flavor. And then I used the gram crackers. And it reminds me in my childhood.

My mom would make cheesecake, which is fresh graham cracker. Yeah. So there's like that sense memory that comes up. So I think that's why I order that all the time. Did she do it in a library? I noticed. When I...

Why are we whispering about cheesecake? Because it's so special to me. It's intimate. It's more intimate than a loud joke with a punchline. You just went up a bit. Your volume went up. Okay, well, you pressured me. You pressured me and to bring up the volume.

Let's go back. Let's go back to Cheesecake Land. Let's go back to being non-practicing white males. What do you mean? That's going to be. Can't practice it anymore. What do you mean? Because there's such a propensity to look at us as enemies.

To me, there is no practicing. You are what you are. You come out and you are what you are. Of course. Exactly right. And I say to the women that brought some hate to me. They did? Of course.

It happens all the time. Like that. Wait, I had someone to cancel me as a friend, two of them in a row. Why? Really old good friends. and they didn't say why. And the fact that I asked them why was mansplaining, toxicity, mask,

and they have all these names for it and words for it. I'm going, no, just tell me why. So I can maybe apologize or maybe look at myself. Maybe you should send them for a weekend with your dad. I don't fix them up, whip them into shape, put them on a donkey and teach him how things are. You mean burn them and cremate them? Oh, yeah, he's not with us anymore.

He's ashes. Oh, my dad. Oh, I was telling you my mom. and couldn't stand him. She goes to this little, tiny little funeral. And she's, she took my mother. How many people were at the funeral? About eight.

Oh, the harems gone, long gone. He had one left. Not one came. Only one. Only one. She just rode up on a borough. No, no, no. She didn't even know much about it.

A 12 borough salute. You know, my dad, to honor my father, I'm going to tell you, please stop saying, Burrow, it's a mule. which is half jackass, half horse. These are 18, say that again. Eighteen hands high, half jackass, half horse. Half jackass. You can't make a, you can't make a mule from a mule, by the way.

They can't procreate a mule from a mule. It has to be half jackass, a jackass, full jackass with a horse. And his were bred with Pershons and draft horses and Clydesdales. So they're giant 18 hands high. Mules. Did they ever do the wave? Did that one take you a second? It's taking more seconds.

18 hands. Bro, I'm just trying to help. I'm here to a sit, hang on, let's just hit, let's hit the theme music one, just to clear the air. We'll clear the air. We'll forget about that joke. Am I a Lester comedian because I didn't get the joke?

Lester who? A lesser. Lister Holt? Well, it wasn't really a joke, or was it just me wishing it was a joke? You know, let's, this will clear the, this is like air, you ever take a giant loaf and just, yeah, should I have pretended that it was, that I understood it? Do you want to do it again?

And you can like, we're actors, we're actors, let's do it again. Okay, here we go. Hey, folks, so tell me about your, the jackasses. Oh, they're 18 hands high. They're very tall. Are you serious? Can they do the wave? Oh, my God, exactly.

I can imagine it with the hoofs. All the hands. Hey, hoof. Well, hands. It's hands. That was the joke because he said, okay, we're going to do it one more time.

Here we go. Hang on. Oh, Craig Schumick, tell me about your dad's donkeys. Raise your hands in there. Now I'm doing talking. Mules, please do not say don't know.

Tell them about the mules. Take it again. Take it again. Shit. Here we are, Craig Shoemaker. Well, the mules are half jackasses. Okay.

Are they big? Big. They're bred with like, Clydesdales, you know, those Budweiser Clydesdales. Oh, my God, they must be huge. Yes, they're 18 hands high. Wow, can they do the wave? I had quite a few wave to me.

Hey, Craig. We did it. We got there. It took four, but we got there, gang. We got there. God bless. It's a lot to unpack here, isn't there? Yeah.

I'm watching you, the great tennis player. What do you mean? You're a great tennis player. That's I was considered, When I do podcasts with people or radio interviews with people that they're upper level, I always consider them like an A tennis player, like Adam Carole is another one. You've got to be ready.

You've got to be ready for everything. You have to be available, present, mindful of everything when dealing with somebody like you. It's like you have to up the level. You can't go in lazy. Really? Can't go in relying on, you know. Whoa. This is the first I've heard of this.

Really? Well, maybe someone thought it, but no one's ever verbalized. You're upper level. I am? Well, yeah. Can I do the wave? You think on your ass, which is, which is really, well, I call it a donkey. Ha, ha, ha.

Well, yeah, buddy, you know, this is what we do. We come in and we sling it around. Sling it around. And, uh, but I want to go back because you mentioned love earlier. Yes. And you sort of. of, I don't know if you still do it, but your, your act for many years was predicated on the Lovemaster thing. He did very well for me. And is, is that something you phased out or do you still

do it? Have to. Well, the advantage to it is I can write, I have hundreds of Lovemaster lines. He's Lethario. Yeah. It all happened because I was a geek in high school. I don't know if you relate to that. You and I are both tall, but we don't appear to be tall. Am I right about that? People don't, people don't think that you're tall. Yeah, when, when we, people see me after the show, they go, you're a lot taller than I thought. Every time. I peed next to people go, he was great. wasn't he? I go, he was all right. Yeah. I'm having to talk with him about me. Wow. And I'm trying to like downplay. I didn't really get it.

And I thought, what are you talking about that? So you're in the can after your own show and the guy beside you doesn't realize it's you. I was in an elevator with six people that said he was great. It was 10 minutes after the show. And I go, he was all right. What are you talking about? You with the same show? We were there arguing about me. People don't recognize me. Imagine the guy goes, I just peed standing beside Kevin Costner is dicks only this big. So the height thing is.

You and I both had, but I don't know about you, but I grew up really small, like really tiny. Yeah, I was small until I was about 14. Yeah, same. And then I just, like, seven inches in one summer. Well, it was crazy because I went to boarding school and I was only allowed to come home on the weekends. Yeah. And a lot of times I'd miss weekends and maybe I'd come home every third week and there was like five people in our family. Yeah.

And I was the only boy. And our boarding school had its own dairy farm. So I never liked milk as a boy, but we got our milk from the dairy farm. And it was so delicious. I would just drink tons of milk and I loved peanut butter. So every time I came home on a weekend, I'd be like this much taller than one of my sisters. And then it was like, it was so rapid. And then I came home and I'm taller than my mom.

I'm taller than my dad. It was like the Hulk. Thank you for saying the Hulk. Busting out of your clothes, I had a slip on that. It was like Hulk. Yeah. Watch my arms. suddenly had a long sleeve shirt would be short sleeve.

I mean, it was seven inches in one summer. Wow. And now that I have a 14 year old also, very small, very small boy. Okay. And I've had two other boys, but his growth pattern is very similar to mine. Yeah. He's tiny, but now he sleeps a lot. And you know why I grew in the summer is you're off of school and you can sleep later.

That's right. And I never figured that out until just now. because now he's sleeping all the time during this break. He grew during this break, this winter break. Yeah. So I shot up one summer and I just like seven inches one summer. Now I'm six over six two. That's some good heroin.

Yeah. So I was doing that too. But anyway, so I was going to unpack. Now, I wasn't really into that. Other drugs. Yeah. But the girls, the girls, because I was such a geek with a high voice, they would all use the F word.

Friend. I was always the friend You know You have the high voice Hey, how's it going? Oh, God Hey, Gail Yeah

I want to go out on a date No, we're friends Hey, what about you, Lynn? No, no, no Fix me up with Tommy Oh sure, I know him Yeah, I play football with him

Oh yeah, I'll fix it. Squeaky. So they would, you know, girls pee together, the posse pee You know, they all go together And a gang. Okay. Did that not happen in Canada?

First I've heard of it. No. The pee posse? girls going to the bathroom together. I've heard of the urine unit, but not the pee posse. Okay, but it's a different reference. But they go together and they talk about the guys. Sorry, go ahead.

They took me with them. That's what a key party? Yes. So I'm in there with the bathroom. They go, oh, so-and-so's hot. That'll change your voice real quick. I'll fix you up. No problem.

They're like peeing in front of me. I was dying. You know, I didn't want friendship. I wanted, you know, to get laid. Well, you were halfway there. They had their pants down. That's how the Lovemaster was created. because they always wanted a bad guy.

I said, it's hard to be the bad guy. When you sound like that. When you sound like this baby, yeah. Whoa. I love you so good. Your neighbor will have a smoke, baby.

Yeah. Would you mind doing that to the, would you mind seducing my crowd? I'll have your knees knocking like a Jehovah's Witness on Red Bull, baby. Stare at them, not me. Dude, A little creepy. Let them have it.

Seduced them, bro. Better be wide angle, baby. Back that camera up. Yeah. How are you begging like PBS on a pledge drive, baby? Oh, yeah. Six feet social distance. Six feet.

That's just the tip. Dude, I'm being 100% honest right now. When you did that with your eyes, I'm not even making a bit. You look like Bert Lancaster, who was also in Field of Dreams. Remember, he's like, how you doing, Doc? How you doing? How did you swallow a hot dog? Dude, when you, when you did the little...

You know what I do? I wink at him. Yeah. I wink at him. Oh, dude, you look, you look like, you look like Burt Lancaster right now. Oh, Lancaster. Yeah. I live in Minnesota.

Dude. Names Archie. That's great. You got to go home in the mirror and look at that. I'm not even joking. That's cool. My new one is Liam Neeson. Oh, do him.

I look a little like him. Yeah, yeah. You got, I do from, from, I will find you. How does it go? I have skills. I have developed over a very long career. skills that help me deal with people like you. Skills.

If you let my daughter go, I will not look for you. I will not find you. But if you don't, I will find you and I will kill you. Would you mind doing that again, but as the kid in the bathroom with the squeaky voice? I'm going to set you up with somebody right now. I hear he has a big cock. But, no, the same run, but with the squeaky voice voice.

The same run. same Liam Neeson run, you just, I will find you. But I think people want to hear it as the prepubescent pee party boy. Will you not do that for my viewers? Okay. I will find you. I will. Like that.

Okay. So the girl says to me, I just want to be your friend. No, you just did the whole Liam Neesam run. Okay. And I just saw I'm turning to them. And you do the whole Liam Leeson run, but in the prepubescent boy voice. I have a very special set of skills. Skills I've acquired over a long career.

Skills that help me deal with girls like you. Now, if you go out with me, I will not look for you. I will not find you. But if you don't, I will find you and I will fuck you. Is that what you're talking about? Yeah, is that the improv that you wanted? No, this is for them. I don't want anything.

I mean, I don't even think we both want to be here. I think we both want to be at Arby's, if we're being honest. But this is for them, these freaks, these broccoli soup slurping, mothball dropping, Corn on the cob, rolling in their black gum sucking, French toast flipping. Yeah, baby. I'm a cypher sore thighs, baby. So the love master, let me tell you. Call me doc.

The event. Call me doc. Call me doc. Yeah, go ahead. Or Archie. Yeah. So. Isn't it sad most people watching don't know who Bert Lancaster even is?

Moonlight Graham. One at bat. So good. Anyway, I never knew I could do him until you pointed out. You look, the way you look, you really looked like them when you did that little squint. Well, it was weird. He was from Minnesota, but he had to, you know, the New York accent. Well, it's for the movie.

He was an actor. Yes, but he kept playing the, I can't stand when they don't get true to the character. Like anybody from Philadelphia, they've never done a Philadelphia accent. The great Robert De Niro is doing the New York accent, the Silver Linings Playbook. Do the damn accent. I know it's difficult. It's tough. I think the toughest one's got to be South Africa.

Because that one's got a mixture of British, Australian. Yeah, like it's, I can't even do it. It's like, even when I try to do it, it becomes Australian. Right? Yeah. It's all, I can't even get my head around a South African accent. Can you? South African.

South African. What are you always doing? I don't even, I can't even like any other accent. I want you to say kangaroo and shrimp on a Barbie while you're at it because that's exactly, yeah, it's crocodile Dundee. I feel shame. Well, you can't do it either. I'm working on. I'm thinking about it right now.

Right? It's hard. I'm the type that I like to be really good at something. Right. Any other one like, It's tough to fail. Do a Scottish guy. That's easy, you know.

Right? Right. Ro your ar. Right? You roll your ars. Do a British guy. Oh, well, depends who you're doing. I love the old British actors, like James Mason.

Oh, yes. He used to kind of drag his voice. In the Lolita. Lolita. Hold still. I'm trying to give you a pedicure. A pedophile. It would be more appropriate. It sounds like pedicure, but it's, I'm trying to give you a pedophile.

And Peter O'Toole in my favorite year. Oh, Stone, take me to this place you call Brooklyn. We'll die with rookie Kai Rocha. I am the Lawrence of Arabia. I didn't do it. I didn't commit. Yeah. I saw the doubt in your eyes for the first.

time this entire interview, I saw a little bit of Harland Doubt down the highway. Well, he went down a cul-de-sac. It wasn't me that was in doubt. It was Peter O'Toole. Yeah, because I inhabit my voices. I inhabit. So he failed on the Harland Highway, not me just for the record. Buddy, in keeping with the theme of the love master, part of love is intimacy.

Yeah. The good news is the one love master wise, I can change all that. the lines i have hundreds of them it's like springsteen they wait for that and my fans wait for that but i can deliver new lines as the same character springston can't change i'm born to trot i'm bored yeah baby i'm bored in a jog he's got to do the lyrics yeah people are familiar with the advantage of love masters i can keep changing the lyrics yeah that's pretty cool yeah and it's it's it's a character that i you know i'll pop them in i do a 90-minute show every just about every show And he's about seven minutes.

You have a huge following. People come all over the country to see the kid. Tough, tough to keep that going, right? It is. Everything's tough. Everything, you know, runs its course. Everything you've got to keep hammering away. Yeah.

But that's part of the fun, the challenge of it. But in keeping with the love theme, part of love is intimacy. And since you're kind of, you've kind of big part of your career was centered around love and the theme of love, I thought maybe to give someone, something back to our viewers.

Oh, my God, he has a produced piece. Right? What we're going to do is we'll reach in. We'll each grab a word and see if we can create a new sexual position for our viewers. Okay. By combining our words. Got it. So just don't look, but reach in there and grab a random word.

Magic trick here. And then I'll grab a word and we'll put them together. We'll say what it is and then we'll tell them, we'll each interpret. How are I to look at it? Yeah, you can look. Don't say it yet until I pick mine. Let's see what I got. Okay.

Keep the hard. Okay, hang on. Let me put my peepers on here. What's yours say? You need the glasses just to read that. No, it's for them. It's a pro. Just to keep them engaged.

All right, what's your word? Beetle. Stink. Yours is easier. Well, we're combining it for the, stink beetle or the beetle stink it's a new sexual position please describe how one would engage in this yeah baby i make the beetle look like a limousine baby a stretch limo baby something you're looking for no i'm looking for god psycho what i mean psycho i thought you wanted

the love master no what i'm saying using one of these words and making it sexual no no i'm saying I went to VW. Beetle. Craig Shoemaker. Okay. We take Stink and what was yours? Okay. We're doing improv now. No, this is real.

Second City. What's this? What's your? Beetle. So, beetle and stink. So the new position can either become the Stink beetle or the Beetle stink. Describe to my viewers, all seven of them, how they would perform this, what it looks like. Oh, okay.

It's a new, we just created a new sexual position for the folks. you're not going to get this on any other So the sexual position would take place in the back of a VW Beetle Oh, okay At 1972 VW Beetle With the old bumper And with the heater

That actually heats everything up Wow You could literally make a stake From the heater that they use In these VW Beatles Yes, and of course The foot on the high beams That jostles the high beams

During the sexual position And when you're in the back, in that little cubby hole. Yeah. In the little cubby hole in the back of the beetle. Yeah. And once you turn that heat on and everything gets going, oh, does it stink? It is a stink fest. It's a beetle stink fest.

So that's what the positions call. Oh, my God. Getting that back in that cubby hole and get. And turn that heat way up. It's a little lever down below. Wow. And you pump that baby up and look out for some stink. And you can pop the clutch.

When that happens, you know that it's, you know you've done something well when you can pop the clutch from the back in the little cubby hole. It's a new sexual position, the stink beetle, brought to you by Craig Shoemaker gang. Excellent job. Oh, man, it's going on my act. It is? Oh, that's permanent now. That's a stalwart.

My next album's called Stink Beetle. What's a stalwart? Stallwart? I don't know that word. No, really? Well, they don't. I know what it is, but they don't. Well, tell them.

what stalwart means, please. That's what interviewers always do. Yeah, just, you know, some people say that you're, you know, you've been corrupt. I'm not saying you're corrupt. Yeah, they are. Some people are. So answer those people. What does stalwart mean for those?

A stalwart is something consistent, something, you know, you can, you can rely on. It's a piece that's a, it's a, it's something that's a part of you that's very strong. It's a stalwart piece and of, it'll be consistent and there you go. Just look at them when you're saying it. Not me. I knew what it was, but they don't. Our final segment, buddy, what a joy it's been to have you here, buddy. We're in segments? Well, in my mind.

I'm a little afraid. But you've been inspirational and funny and informative and illuminating. Okay. And also you've been Kevin Costner and Bert Lancaster. And Liam Neeson. Yeah. And this guy, what's this guy's name? Morgan Freeman.

Oh, we haven't had him yet. at? In 1966, and in the frame. Let's all same prison wearing nothing but a set of my other prison clothes and a rock aminently worn down to the nub. And did the frame. That sounded a hell of a lot like Neum.

Neum Leeson. Jackie Gleeson. What's his name? Liam Neeson. That's a very strong career. Yeah. No, they're two different people. I think you're blending. I think you might, yeah, I think you might be blending, guys.

That's the kind of critic you don't want your audience. That sounded just like I have that happen all the time. I used to do impressions. That's actually how I made it in my career. Early, I did all impressions. No. Oh. Who is your number one impression? Don Nott's. No way. If you watch the movie Pleasantville, this is how good the Don Nott's is, Barney Fife. I grew up watching Barney Fife, Mr. Furley III's company, right? That's what we grew up with. Oh, yeah, amazing. Reluct an astronaut. Yeah. Didn't you reprise that role? How to frame a fig. Okay, yeah, I don't remember that one, but. Shakiest gun in the West.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. So anyway, Don Nott, I always imitated him as, you know, him with a real high voice and everything. But now he's older.

Well, he's dead. Well, this is years ago, the movie Pleasantville, 1999. Yeah, I got a call from the director

and the editor. They said, come in, he can't make it. I had to loop almost the entire movie. I replaced his voice. Reese Witherspoon.

Yes. Yeah. How does he go? So if there's a scene where he circles the apple and the telestrator, It's my voice, him as an old guy, going, Oh, boom, right there.

What do you call that, bud? The forbidden fruit here in Pleasantville. I'm your TV repairman, bud. Watch the movie. See if you can see the difference. You know, if I took out his voice and put in earnest, you know, Ernest goes to camp. Oh, I think they meant Ernest T. Bass.

I know that face you were doing was totally the, hey, Ernest here. Is that, yeah. I'm Ernest T. Ernest T. Ernest. Yeah. I remember that guy. Yeah, my kid used to watch it. My oldest kid who's now 25 used to watch Ernest.

Probably still watches it behind me. He could. He could. Good for him. Final segment, buddy. Here we go. What do we got? This is sort of similar to this, but this is more the layman's version.

This is called Words from a Wooden Shoe. The lame version. No, the Laman's. The whole podcast is the lame version. This is called Words from a Wooden Shoe. You reach in, you grab a- My nickname is Shoe. That's right.

Wow. Craig Shoemaker is known as shoe, not the shoe, but shoe. Wooden shoe from, okay. Wow, this might be one of your relatives. They shorten last names around from, like Shoemaker, they call me shoe in Philadelphia, Stagliano is stag, Stag, Steve Markberg's Wart. Now, Scott Aster was not fond of this. Can I call you a shot?

And Tony Pucini had to move. Can I call you shut because I'm trying to do this last segment? Oh, yeah. And last name up? Yeah. Okay, here we go. Finally he got one. okay so this one you reach in the shoe you reach in the shoe and you pull out a word and see if it inspires

or brings out a story or a memory from your life or someone you know or okay somewhere on your journey all right here's our last segment a good one here here we go and it's not a sexual position it's like monkey oh here we go here we go monkey oh talk to me guy it brings up uh first of all, some people have nicknamed me, including Rosie O'Donnell and Kurt Ramas of the Lakers and his wife and Jeannie Buss of the Lakers all call me shoe monkey is my nickname. So it's funny that I would pull out monkey. They actually shortened it to, hey monkey, what's up? So I get a lot of shoe monkey as my name, Shoemaker turned into shoe monkey, Kurt Ramison. Phil Jackson calls me shoe monkey. Like a lot of these people, that's my name. So, and I'm a big fan of monkeys. I've

always been a fan of monkeys like chimps and i've always wanted one but uh once michael jackson went that way i went with a dog isn't a chimp one of the are considered an ape i don't think so i've never i've i i considered a monkey well didn't you give me a little bit of grief earlier about a burrow on a donkey so you think it's planted of the chimps is going to come out soon they're having another planet of the apes if they needed another. Well, let's not stray off of your faux paw. Okay. I do have another story about Monkey.

Okay. About how my friend got his nickname. We were in this bid for bachelors for charity. Oh, boy. This is a dirty story. Is that okay? Sure, anything goes. I mean, we already did the stink beetle.

That was made up. This is a real story. So we go on stage. I'm kind of well-known in Philadelphia, so I fetched a bunch of money. He goes up, he goes, oh, my God, I'm going to be a throw-in because it was a date together. Me and my buddy. Meanwhile, he went way past my amount. Whoa.

Women were, like, throwing money. They wanted my friend. It's like the pole vaulting. So we got a limousine that donated and we go on this double date. Instantly said, we're going to get our money's worth and they pull our pants down and go to town. So later, I mean, we have this great night. We go to free dinner and everything. We get a hotel room.

We're in the same hotel room also now having sex. And that's where he got his nickname because he was. bent over like a human sea with no shoulders, and he's going at her from behind. And I say, hey, you look like a lemur monkey. So his name to this day is lemur. We call him Leam. We call it Team Leam. Wow.

Yeah, so there's my monkey story. So you watched another man have intercourse. And by the way, oh, and you haven't. You've never, you've never seen one porn. You haven't seen. This was in real life, though. Hey, well, real life porn. It's like, do you go to play or a movie?

It's the same thing. So, anyway, I had the play right before me. Okay. With the... And it looked like a monkey. It went on so long and it had had an intercourse. I'm intermission. So the lemur, I was like, you look like a lemur.

And anyway, a lemur is not an ape. It's not. It's a monkey. But wait, a lemur. So I hope I retrieve that one. A lemur isn't even a monkey. A lemur is. in Madagascar, and they're like a tree dwelling.

They look more like almost like a raccoon. Mm-hmm. So you're. Or a fast sloth or something. Yes, but they are. From the guy who gave me so much creep between a burrow and a jacket. You can search all you want. You can close it out by thinking you are correct.

But what you're going to find out is when we're off and you go to Google, you're going to find that lemur is indeed a monkey. It is. And I would probably say chimpanzees. are, but I might be open to that being an ape. If you build it, they will come. Don't you dare. I'm not going to let you.

Craig, before we go, tell these folks where they can see you, see your specials, buy your stuff, see your stand-up, come and get counseling from you if that's what they want. I'm going to do a new TED talk. I've done a TED talk. I'm going to do another one. Okay. All about the alchemy of laughter. How you can turn it into gold and win with your own humor. Win with your own sense of self, sense of humor. I can help you get there. I get a whole program, an eight-week program. It's all. Awesome. But yeah, look me up, craigsheemaker.com, say hello. And then I don't want any angry people that I share too much. Don't think about that. Just keep it.

No, I'm saying, I'm not thinking about it. I'm saying keep it to yourself. Don't want to hear from you. Yeah, yeah. Just sell that to someone else. I think you're overestimating the people are going to be angry. I don't get the sense of people. I've seen it. I've seen it.

Not on the Harland Highway. Oh, nice. Okay. I think people will see that you were trying to share and in your sharing, hoping that maybe that sharing touches someone and helps them heal. That was on the Harmon cul-de-sac that I had that experience. Oh. I was trying to get something as a stretch.

Let's try and cover that up with the theme music again. Folks, Craig goes silent on that one. So official Craig Shoemaker, it's Shoemaker, not mocker. Yeah. You make shoes, you don't mock shoes. Shoe monkey. Unless they're crocs, you can mock those. You know what the holes are for so your self-esteem can slip out.

I have five pair, bro. I have five pair. I love them. Wow. So anyway, great hanging with you, man. You too, buddy. So good to have you here. Folks, that's it for today.

You've been on a Holland Highway podcast with Craig Shoemaker. Until next time, get rid of your guilt. Get rid of your shame. Shame and let forgiveness into your life. And until next time, chicken chowmaine, baby. You want to go to Baskin-Robbins? yeah let's go and I'm not having the chocolate chip mint

I don't know how you do that racist