The Harland Highway - CRAIG SHOEMAKER tells how his father never said "I love you" and how it impacted his insane life!

Episode Date: October 22, 2024

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You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. You're on the Harland Highway. Harland Williams. You're on the Harland Highway. Wow! Do I look more like Kevin Costner? Do you look more like them?

It's a tie. What we could do is you could put it out to a vote. A vote? You could put out to a vote who looks more like Kevin Costor. Yeah, because I've had it before, too. But I think you do, I think you look more like Kevin Costa than I do. I get it a lot, actually. Like how often?

Like how many times a day? I go once a month. That's a lot. Like if you pull into a shell station. And the attendants of a girl, maybe a chubby girl from the valley, where you walk in and then mysteriously the sign says, we're closed, goes on the door for about 20 minutes. She takes you into the back room or all the chocolate bars of the 20 minutes.

And we have a feast and she feasts on Kevin Costner, the lookalike of Kevin Costner? Kind of like a Kevin Costner. That's happened at least twice a month. Really? I knew it. I knew it. Because you've got a little bit of Reese's peanut butter cup and your beer. And a little bit of some Latina, whatever kind of juice they create.

Do all women create the same? This is kind of a naughty question. Are we on there right now? Yeah, we're on. It's a podcast guy. I like that. I like that. You don't have a...

We're on the Holland Highway podcast with Kevin Costner, but really it's Craig Shoemaker. But I like that. the idea of saying i had kevin costner on my podcast get you a lot more people than i will no no no no not my heart not my mind but i was going to lose because you came in here so strong with the costner thing going i a naughty question popped into my head what's that can i ask it because you know about you know about the ladies you mean a kevin you're going to ask me a question as kevin costner i'm supposed to answer as him or am i don't i'm supposed to answer as him or am i no i I'm asking, Harlan Williams is asking Craig Shoemaker.

Okay, I got it. But because you came in here flaring out like Kevin Costner, like a sunspot that exploded. Not intentionally. Not intentionally. Okay. It just got out of the car. You started with a, wow. You kind of got a Kevin Costner thing going on.

Yeah. I mean, I thought Kevin Costner made a wrong turn into the studio, but it was just you. But so, so because he's such a lady. I just want to reframe that just you. You know how to welcome your guests, don't you? No intro, just go right into it. All of a sudden, I'm back with some chicken that has it closed for 20 minutes of Shell Station

and we're dining on chocolate. She thinks I'm Kevin Koster. We just jump right into it. What's up? You're just here for me, and I'm just here for you, just going to occupy some time together. I'm just going to go into my little Harlan Williams

ad-libs? I love the places that you take it. You can do it like Kaiser-Sosé, look around. Oh. You know, you just look around the room, like, I'm looking around the room going, yeah, you got those fish-looking people with those big eyeballs coming at you, coming from the moon, and they're driving a truck from the moon, and they have these kerchiefs that they're swallowing with a frog face,

and they take you in the back room, and they fish inside of your throat, and they pull out of old fish that you ate about two weeks ago. And somebody needs some riddlin? That's the Harlan. Wow. That's the Harlan mind that I have to get used to. This is no normal interview. That never is.

No, exactly. There's always something about gums and bleeding that exists. Oh, yeah. Yeah, there's always some kerchiefs or. Yeah. Yeah, in your descriptions of things. Yeah, I like to throw in gums and blood. Yes, and teeth missing.

and halitosis and gingivitis are popular. Basically, like, no one wants you here, Craig. No one wants you except those people, those, those pumpkin sucking. Whoa, there you go. That was on the edge. That was on the edge. But no, what I was going to ask you. And by the way, Craig Shoemaker is my guest today.

Actor, comedian, writer, entrepreneur, filmmaker. You're a man of all trades. A lot of slashes in that title, yeah. Yeah, you've done it. What haven't you done, my guy? I actually was looking at it recently, and, you know, does it mean money? I don't know. I have a very big resume. What does it mean? I don't know. You have a very big resume? How many inches? It's a, it's at least 12 inch resume.

Wow, that's about, that's how many pieces of paper? That's a lot of piece of paper. But, you know, what good does it do? Because everybody gets confused. They go, who is this guy? Is a comedian? And you just tear up the papers. Right. And today it's digital, so it's really only that big. You used to have 12 inches of paper. You've got to pull out those glasses that are like four inches thick that somebody got from a factory in Iowa where they put out. Jeez.

I got to put my Harlan hat on. That's what I'm doing. This is how. Harland Highway hard hat. It's how you think. Yeah. Don't try to think like I think you'll go insane. I would go insane.

I wouldn't wish the way I think on anybody. But you went from a 12-inch resume to a PDF. F. That's the way the world is now. We've been reduced. We've been emasculated. Everything is reduced now. It's ridiculous. We used to be able to walk in all peacocked out with our 12th inch freaking resume. I've done this and now it's just a little PDF delete. And they can delete it that fast. Oh, dude. Have you found, though, that a lot of people like under 40, they don't know who we are. But maybe they know you from something. But I get, I'm very well, you know, I mean, I used to get, hey, you know what's changing that game that I've discovered just by accident?

Because I do this because I love it. Yeah. It's this world. It's the podcast world is bringing back around the generations that don't know us from our movies or our stand-up or our specials or anything like that. All these comedy people now and people in general are flocking to podcasts. And it's a beautiful world because, you know, when we were coming up in our generation, generation, you know, it's like you work 14 years to do a six-minute segment on the Tonight Show or Conan or Letterman.

And that made your career. That made your career. And it also let people see who you were and what you made up. The only way. And it was six minutes. And remember to promote, you used to put posters on something called a telephone pole. Yeah. The poll had all these staples in it.

All those old staples from tear down the last week and then bring in. Nan Ancini and Johnny's dance band And then underneath Craig's Shoemaker At the Roxy this weekend That's how we used to promote And I had postcards that I would send to people With an actual stamp Put in an actual mail

This is your postcard now And here's the thing Then even if you got to the big show With Letterman you got five, six minutes Here on podcast You can talk for an hour, two hours And really let it all out Have fun and expand on your ideas

And your stories and your humor So I like this format even better. Definitely a better format, but how do they find you? I mean, I guess. On YouTube. But I mean, how did they, how does the discovery take place? Because we only had a few channels that you choose from. And that's why we were out there.

But that's what's great about podcasts because all these comedians are doing them. So we're all supporting each other. Yeah. And they come on yours. You go on theirs. I don't know about support each other. I haven't received one check from you, support check. But I did send you a bra.

Oh, wait. Maybe. Is that a reference to my father? Is that a reference? Did you do this for my... This is how I support you right here. Is this because of my father with the bra? You can have all the support you want.

I told you that story, right? About my dad with the bras? I want to hear it. I thought that's what this was a reference to. No, you said you wanted support. I thought you were prepared for me here. You said you needed support. I gave you a bra.

What better support is that? I hadn't seen my dad. What's the matter with this guy? Yeah. He wanted support. I gave him support instantly. He's walking here. He's walking.

here with bloody gums saying he's got the bloody gums johnny i gave him 24 hour wonder bra support it was the matter with this guy uh he's denying my gift what's the matter with you i could cover both your jogs let's go this is what i do so uh oh yeah so i wanted to ask you my dad had a bra business but can i ask the naughty question first oh the the the the kevin costa question yeah because you came in like guns of flying like Costner you're like you're like dances with wolves meets uh you know what's that field of dreams okay got it yeah that's my favorite movie by the way field of dreams field of dreams i never had a catch with my dad so my son for father's day one year he cues it up i sit down and goes watch this and he cues up that scene where he goes dad you want to have a catch

and i'm ball and go turn it off oh no yeah that's my son did to me i had a weird dad because that that That scene took place in the cornfield, remember? Of course. And my dad was a bit creepy, and we went out to play ball, and he said, son, why don't you take your clothes off and run backwards through the corn? And I was like, I'm not sure why I would do that, daddy. And he said, well, just I'm going to throw a long ball out into the rows.

And I go, well, why do I have to take my clothes off? He goes, well, I was like, well, what? And he goes, and why don't I have to run backwards? He goes, you'll find out. And, man, I walked like a horseshoe crab for about three weeks after that game of catch with my dad. Wow. Is that wrong? Nothing wrong.

It's all right because look who you became. That made you into, you're just a, you know, walking tall kind of cornhole up your ass kind of guy just sitting here with your no gums. Whoa. Whenever I play baseball now, they call me horseshoe crab Johnny. Horseshoe crab, Johnny. Yeah. I don't know where they get the Johnny from. Johnny on the spot.

Are you going to let me ask the dirty question? And I feel like you keep kind of diverting. You're going to brage. You're going to field a dream. Well, you pulled out the bra. I know. Don't put it on me. I'm going to put it on you.

I'm with carrot top always. It's almost in his carrot top. Comic pulls out bras. And I'm talking about. You said you wanted support. Here, let me show you how it works. I know what I said. Here's what we'll do.

Let's triple down in this joke. Here we go, look, I got some pumpkins here. Oh, this isn't a diversion at all from your Kevin Costor question. You're the one. Now, this is how it works. I got the boulder holder over here. Wait, wait. Oh, God.

How do I? As you're telling this, I will tell you, I hadn't seen my dad in years. Yeah. And he had my mom invite her big breasted friends over for a bra party. It was bras meets Amway. So I'm seven years old. I look in the living room. There he is smoking his pipe going, come on, Doddy.

It's my aunt Fran, Aunt Doddy. Aunt Barbara. Yeah. Show how it lifts and separates. It's the three-class model for the full-figured woman. Yeah. Don't be shy. It's just you women and me.

And my dad passed away last year and now he'd be really honored that you're holding up a bra with two pumpkins in it to honor my father. You got to try. That feels really good. Just bounce them. Bounce them. Yeah. Oh, dude.

Two dudes alone in a house. Yeah. It's plagued with pumpkins. I'm so glad I made this ride up the hill. Scraping the bottom of my car. The hell's wrong with you. I'm trying to support you. There's more support.

I'm trying to support you and you're good. Now you're backlashing on the bingo blasher. I'm trying to get back to it. I never thought I'd want to return to the bad bit about Kevin Costa or the Shell Station. I never thought. Can we talk about that? After the bras with the pumps and I brought up your daddy had a bra party with the big girls. Well, that was a true story.

You were like making up stuff that I'm Kevin Costa. I'm trying to support your story with a pumpkin jugs. Boing, boy. Boing, boing, boing, boing, boi. Can we do an a cappella? You ever hear of a barbershop quartet? I love barbershop quartet. I can actually be all the voices.

Can we do the boing boing, boing song? Boing, boy, wait, wait, ready? Ready? Boing, boing, boing, boing. I wanted to low voice. I'm doing the hi, high falsetta. Okay. That was very low for a falsetto.

Okay, I'll do falseta. And you do the, ready? Boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing. Oh, silly as shit I've ever done. We've boring too hard. We're a barbershop quartet. What's the matter with you? I told you, I'm not known anymore.

Now they're all going to go, you're the boing guy. You're the boing a cappella guy with Harlem Williams with two pumpkins in a bra. I'm trying to support your stories. Now, here's the thing. I mentioned you because the Kevin Costa thing, you went into the shell station, made out, I think I said, a Latina girl. I don't know that it was that specific, but I thought she was, I thought it was a heavy girl. A heavy Latina.

Okay. So a Fatina. And there's a Fatina. Is that what a fatina is there and she, and it's only, they're only closed for 20 minutes. I only had 20 minutes to be. But I figure that's all, with a whole vatful of candy. Right. But I figure girls get so excited over the cost that that's all they.

need is 20 minutes, probably less with the cost. But I'm not him, so I'm low cost. Whoa, you're the low costner. I like that. Cheers to that. Yeah, he'll discount. Wow. So, okay, so this is a naughty question, but it was inspired by the sexuality of Kevin Costner. And you know the lady's pretty good yourself. Do different races, of women are the juices and I don't even want to ask this question no somehow you do

I know but it's because of you I've been avoiding it for 20 minutes now I started it by being Costner I started it just like it's just like being with my ex-wife you started it and I go how in the world did it come from that to that I got out of the car

I don't even want to ask this question but you're making me okay go ahead Do the juices of different ethnic groups? Different ethnic ladies. Yeah. Are they different? Sort of like the sauces in a restaurant.

No question because they actually have sauces in them. Okay. Understand? Yeah. Which becomes blood and sweat. Okay. And oozing out of pores. What you eat is what you ooze.

Whoa. Isn't that Kentucky Fried Chicken's new logo? What you are. eat is what you eat is what you ooze. What you eat is what you use, says the colonel. Come on it. It's finger-licking good in so many different ethnicities. Wait, so what I'm saying is the flavor. If a man does a thing we called cunnelingus, which I don't like that word, it sounds like a Brazilian insect, like some kind of weird caterpillar. the cunnelingus walks along the leaves and shoes you know what i mean yes exactly i know what you

mean so we don't want that word well we've already had uh eating pussies out whoa oh bro well costner i love that that gets a time out whoa but the uh but the the the fatina doesn't it's got the chocolates come into the dude i'm just trying to help i was trying to help you by coming I was something besides Conalingis. I knew I was going to go too far. No, it's fine. I love it. That's what edit buttons are for.

There's no editing on this show. But do you think, like, if you're with an Asian woman, a black woman, a white woman, is it a similar flavor? I'm not trying to be dirty. You're asking me as Kevin Costner, the answer to that? I'm asking you as Craig Shoemaker, who inspired it by looking like Kevin Costner, and damn you to hell for making me ask this question that you, you made me ask.

So I would say everybody is definitely a different ooze. Okay. Yes. Or you said, okay, but you combine it with a buz, so it's a bouquet. Yeah, they all have a different bouquet as well. Oh, that's an eloquent word. Bouquet. That almost makes this segment.

Oh, thank God. I'm saving it as best I can. Right. The bouquet of ethnic women. Of any different type of women from any different ethnic background. The bouquet is something that you would find. perhaps at the at Macy's when they come up to you with the different fragrances. Oh, it's a perfume counter.

The perfume counter is filled with different fragrances. That is the same thing as if you're going down to the basement of Macy's. Oh, where the bouquet gets a little moldy. I would, okay, I wasn't going there, but I was just saying as a variety, if you will, you will find that downstairs. I see. Okay, take the escalator. sometimes when the fragrance isn't so good,

you make a U-turn, right? Yeah. Around the belly button, go right back up. Scoop. Yeah, it'll scoop. And then they're all different. Absolutely. Because of what they eat.

That's not racist. People eat different things of different races. Well, wait a minute. So if you have a girlfriend who's like a pasty, Irish, Scottish white girl. Yeah, that's just. And you take her out for Indian dinner. And it's coated with eight layers of. of curry.

It's still at the bottom of it. And then you go back for a Brazilian caterpillar after dinner. Is she going to taste like tundori? No, she's still going to remain chalky. Chalky white. Well, then how does your theory work? No, because it's been systematically DNA has been inserted into them from all of those meals, from their ancestors and so forth.

So if I go. I have no scientific evidence of this. This is just off the top of my head. So if I'm doing the Brazilian. When I'm driving here, I'm not saying to myself, I really have to study the etymology. You know the ladies. If anyone knows the ladies, it's you. It's not me.

You did an all act, a love master. You know all about women. It's an act. As a matter of fact, if you've ever watched the love master movie, I have a movie called the love master. I know you do. Farah Fawcett says, come on, do that love master. I said, oh, that's my act. That's not me.

She goes, then you don't want me. She slams a door in my face. Are you serial? But then the doorbell rings and she answered, that wasn't my hand. rang the doorbell, Farrow, baby. She says, come on in, because that's with the women. Wait, you met Farah Fawcett? I not only met her, she was in my movie for $100.

I was in the car rehearsing with her. I practically called her Miss Fawcett. She goes, oh, shut up. I'm just here because I want to know if that love master is real, and she reaches over. What, you know, there was no horn in my crotch. I'm not Caratop, but. Why are we sitting here talking about the juices of the world?

Because you brought it up, and you've met Farah Fawcett. We're on the highway. I know, but dude. We took a dirt road. Why didn't you just sit down and go, hey, Harlan, nice to see you today. By the way, I met Farrah Fawcett in my lifetime. You couldn't have just started with that?

But that list is endless. You got to be talking about the women's juices of the world. It's a small, small world. It's now the juices of the world. We met loads of people. You don't just open up with somebody who's been dead for 15 years. It's Farah Fawcett you do. Well, yeah, I had her poster.

I remember that poster with the nips? Hey, everybody. Check out my merchandise at Harbling.com. Yeah, most people just slap some letters or images on a t-shirt or a hoodie. But not me. Yours truly. Guess what? I draw my own designs at Harbleng.com.

You can see tons of my hand-drawn t-shirts. You can either buy the original or you can buy a print. And man, oh man, wear them loud and proud. I love making these designs for you guys and keeping it personal. So check out the whole catalog. We got hoodies, we got coffee mugs, we got t-shirts, you name it. It's there at harbling.com. Get your Harland original design, wearable art at Harbling.com today.

And thank you for your support, and I'll just keep the groovy images coming. Oh, the poster where she's in the bathing suit. Yes, you could play ring toss. Yes, she had the big protruding. Exactly. So I couldn't believe my dream was sitting next to me in the car rehearsing doing my movie called The Lovemaster, and she reached over and grabbed my junk. Why?

Now what? Because she wanted to know if the Love Master was real. That's why she did the movie. She wanted to meet the Love Master. She did it as a part of the movie or just on her own? No, on her own rehearsal. What that? I was waiting for her to get out of her dressing room.

She was a long time in there because she had hair extensions. I never knew what they were until I looked in there. They'd like sew them in. I didn't know idea until I saw that because I'm tall. I'm looking down at Farahaw's in my dream. And then we have this like scene together that I wrote. And she just says, look, shut up. I just want to, you know, quit saying thank you.

I just want to know if that love master is real. And she tried to confirm it. And unfortunately, I wasn't ready for my close up. You know what I mean? I had an in any. I was so nervous. That I was ready A little later

She grabbed your Charlie's Angel And you weren't ready? No Charlie was on the squawk box on that one Wow So how did you feel inside being with Farrah? Arguably one of the most beautiful women That's ever lived

Because I grew up with her Like wanting her as a kid You were just stunned That's when everything's locked in When you're a kid I used to dream about her in my sleep Same here You literally have dreams about her

Yeah I couldn't believe that she was doing My Little Independent movie and after my character, the Love Master. But she shoots me down in the movie, but then at the end, you know, I ring the doorbell, you know, with my junk. So anyway.

Isn't that funny how she grabbed your junk? Yeah, and I wasn't ready. And there was no Me Too movement. There was no canceling. Oh, that would have been glee to. I was gleeful. Right. It's very happy.

When one of the Charlie's Angels grabs your gear shift, you go into drives. Not Bosley. I wouldn't want Bosley. Yeah, you know what Bosley. Good morning, angels. Good morning, anal. No, wait, what?

Oh, dude, that's glorious. Yeah. And was she charming? Like, forget about all the sexuality. Was she a wonderful, was she a charismatic person? Yeah. Nice. One big memory I have of her, we did it,

who shot the scene at a mansion. And the owner of the mansion, his daughter was 12 years old, and Farrow didn't have the right pants, and she borrowed the 12-year-old's leather pants. I have a picture of it. that's how thin she was a little oh wow she was very petite she was petite wasn't she a texas girl yeah texas and my idiot friend i had my friend you ever do this you ever put

friends in movies yeah right i know you where are you going with this well because i i invited these radio personalities from from uh Dallas from Austin okay and they think that they're like trying to be Howard Stern wannabes they approach her on a break talking about remember the Tridelt's. You were like, you were like the slut of the tri delts. I'm going, whoa, whoa, get away from her. You know, it was horrible. I was so embarrassed. They were just totally inappropriate. So, and then every time I went back on the radio show, we called it Farragate, because we were the, it would take them off of the set, these idiots. They were that aggressive and sensitive. They would walk up to her microphone, start interviewing her between the takes and stuff. Yeah, yeah. Was she pissed? Yeah, a little bit, yeah. Do you remember one of her, I think, I, I pissed off many people. You probably have. You're pissing me off right now.

since you sat down. I'm ready to get thrown off. Well, I mean, God, listen, guy, I went through pumpkins. I went through the juices of the world. And you've been holding on to Farah Fawcett, grab my junk, and didn't open with that? Like, my guy. You know, driving up here, I thought about what's my opening. And it wasn't on the list.

It was from 1998. Well, I hope you've learned a lesson to your next podcast you do. What are you going to open with? I'm open with Roadkill. No. Farrah Fawcett. Now, or some other star. How about that? How about this is how you open?

You sit down, pretend you're a podcast host. Hey, what's up? Hi, Farah Fawc. Grabbed my junk. Wow, this is really interesting. When did this take place, Harlan? Doesn't matter. That's all you need to know. Next question. Like, that's all you need, dude.

Like, let's go. Have you pissed anybody else off on the set? Like on a movie set or TV set? I worked with, you know, Patrick Stewart, you know, he is. Yeah, the bald guy from Star Trek. Right. He was the captain. And he's also, for the younger people, he's, uh, X-Men.

Yeah. I liked him as the X-Men guy. I never liked him as Captain Kirk. Because Captain Kirk was, Picard. Yeah, Captain, William Shatner was sort of like so sexual and kind of charismatic. And he had that kind of sexiness going. And all of a sudden here comes baldy and he's like, well, I think we should fire the lasers,

you know. And it's like, like, totally. Borsville, old baldy. You and I do impressions. I knew the first day on the set that I could do an impression. I had never done one before, but it was in my ear that I could do it. And I walked up to him, they said, go do it for him. I go, make it so, number one.

And he looks at me, you're a dick. Make him go away. He goes, go do your comedy skit elsewhere and Elsa Gundo or wherever you go. So every time I go to Hermosa now, I'd never heard of the town before. I always pass Elsa Gundo, and I do it to his voice and go, Elsa Gondo. He said that to you? Yes, he goes, Elsa Gondo, wherever you go. So anyway, I ended up loosening them up, though.

So, by the way, we had scenes where we fight. And they said, bring in the stuntman. And he's like, you know, you shine him on because he knows I'm a stand-up comic. He's this regal Shakespearean actor, right? And I play like his best friend. So they bring in, for us to fight, they bring the stuntman. They go, he goes, I don't need a stuntman. Do you, Craig?

I don't need one either, Patrick. So we fought on screen, and you can watch what he does. He kicks me in the head into a fern. punches me because he knows he can get away with it because he's supposed to, like, win the fight. What? Then he goes, then we get up. I'm all bruised. They goes, I think we need to take two, don't you, Craig?

So we did like five takes of him. Watch the movie beats the shit out of me. So anyway, he shoots me. I mean, oh, it's hilarious. I would have stood up, looked him right in the eye and said, did you know that Farrow Fawcett grabbed my junk? And you win the fight right there, bro. When Farrah Fawcett grabs your junk, you would.

win everything my guy this is what you're learning i am learning this i've got it's that's my my trump card right i don't know if i ever pissed anyone off on set i probably have inadvertently i don't know if i've ever had like a full-on i remember i was on set for a sitcom i did once and this is a weird story but you know we were we were with like real actors because they resent comedians a lot of times yes this was my sitcom i was the lead it was a six a six come called Simon, and Jason Baiton, Bateman played my brother. Wow. So we were the stars of it, and we were doing the rehearsal, and we had this one director

who was super chatty, and, you know, we were trying to rehearse, and, you know, instead of being, okay, let's do this, this, and this, he'd go, and then when me and my wife went camping in the Hamptons, and it was just like, dude, and so this was building all week, and we're sitting there we're getting, you know, you shoot on Friday, you rehearse Monday to Thursday. So here we are on Thursday, and none of us are really prepared. And I'm getting kind of like, dude, trying to be nice. And then he starts talking about, this is the weirdest thing for him to share with us. His daughter, and God bless her, I feel bad when anyone's sick, especially a kid.

This guy decides to share with us, his daughter's got some kind of colon issue where she takes poo so big that he's telling us I had to go in the toilet and cut it up with a knife so it would flush and I just finally I lost it and I go dude

can we rehearse and he started going on and I remember it's the only time I've ever kind of pulled a fit on any profile I just went fuck off and I threw my script down and I stormed off

and I felt bad because he was talking about his kid but I was like dude we have a big job to do Like, we're on camera. We're not ready. And it was just like, and that was the only time I think I ever really took a fit. The advantage of it being, you know, is you could actually go back in and say it was a bit. I didn't, though.

How about that, folks? How about that little firecracker puffing teeth? Oh, daddy laid down a wagon wheel with some Chinese juice sauce on it. And welcome to the 1973 Ferris wheel event there, corn on the cob, Sally. And he went in there with a serrated night and cut up a piece of shit that was from. I'm an Atkins diet, all protein. That thing was a big fucking bomb he put in there. And he went in there.

Like, nah, me, that's a guy I want in the trenches with me. Anyway, I don't you save your bits for Calabas, Craig Shoe-Maker? Oh, I got to tell you. Was that pretty good? As I was coming out, I thought that's a- I'll be you. Okay. Wait.

You be me and I'll be-in-no. No, wait. Who are we here? Wait, hold on. I'm all confused. Wait. Okay. Ready?

Okay. Okay. Okay. Who were by? Yours is a little Sean Connery. Oh. Yes. Well, now you've put that in my head.

Now, you'll be Sean Connery, and I'll be Patrick Stewart. Okay. So you're Craig as Sean Connery and come up to me and say to me, this is what I said to him, to loosen them up. I think the Klingons have surrounded the ship. I said, Patrick, you weren't always a regal Shakespearean actor, sir. Not at all. When you were a kid, you had your package and you're looking at it in front of a full-length mirror, I said, you ever tuck it back and see what you look like as a woman?

I said, you ever give yourself a mangina? I needed a full, full length mare for mine. He says to me, yes, Craig, I've done a man gina. Every man has your naked bed, one leg goes, if it disappears, you don't have a mangina. I said, have you ever done Rocket Man? He goes, what's Rocket Man, Craig, other than a Holland Williams movie? Oh, yeah, good catch. He says, I said, if you take your, if you're circumcise, you tuck it back into the launch pad,

and you go five, four, three, two. And Rocket Man, he goes, let's go home and do Rocket Man. Engage. Whoa. So I tell that story on the radio, and he's doing a press tour for King Lear, a serious move of serious. And there you go, you remember Craig Shoemaker? He goes, I remember Craig. And they told, they record, they played the recording back of me saying, on the radio.

But man gina, do a mangina. And he kept going. So I love doing King Lear. I've always a dream project for me. And there you go, how about this? And then they play it again. Oh, my God, it was so humiliated. But I've never run into them again.

Well, you know what the problem with telling me all this is? Now I have to ask, because you brought it up. Are you circumcised? And I don't want to ask it. You're making me. Are you circumcised? Yes. You are.

My kids are not. Ooh, why not? That's another weird story. Why make them pay? My first son was born. And he was a preemie, so you don't do it right away. Preemie, what's that? Premature.

How much? Very, very. He was in a incubator. His first days in life with little. That's got to be weird. You finally get born and there's a bunch of baby chickens around you. Yeah, exactly. Or a little, you know, just little aliens in there.

Oh, how old? I don't mean, ooh. Like I said, ooh. I meant like, ooh. I'll say his picture now. He's just fine. He's 26 now. He was 26 years.

No, how many years days premature? Three weeks. Ooh, is that weird? Like, did he, was he dying, basically? Like, do you have to save him? Well, they did, not me. They call them prenatal nurses and doctors. And it's the Nick unit.

They call it the Nick unit. So he's in the Nick unit. And he's incubators, a whole bunch of them in there. Were you, like just crying? It literally looks like they're growing plants. Were you crying? Like, were you so upset? I wasn't, no, not crying.

Really like what in the world is going on here. And frightened, you know, no sleep. I couldn't sleep because you're wondering, is this child going to do Do you pray? Were you praying? Yeah, I pray. Oh, I'm a big prayer. You have to.

So I did. I was, you know, I was, and I would show up and like, you know, just pray in front of him and just say, I love you. And, you know, and whatever. I'll show you his picture now. He's a big, strong kid, worked for the NFL now and he's 26 years old. But it's those first moments, though, when they were a preemie. Yeah. It is absolutely, first of all he came out and looked just like that scene from E.

E.T., where they find him in the woods. Yeah. When he's completely discolored. Yeah. Right. like gray and purple and that's what he looked like and he's this tiny little four pound thing do we have to say preemie it sounds a lot like juvie like preemie just it almost sounds like a treat at the grocery store what would you like to call him like premature that's one word where i think you need

the whole word okay you need the whole word he's a premature birth yeah preemie something off about that so yeah but oh wow so he he was he was that and i was just there was a whole other world that I was not familiar with. You instantly have to be in that world. Here you're in birth class. Come on, push, push. You know, you breathe, honey, breathe, honey. You know, all the classes, they make the man the coach.

Right. And now you're like, incubate, incubate. Come on, kid, incubate, incubate. It's not in, there's no. I promise I won't circumcise you, incubate, incubate. No classes for it. And then there's no classes for, you know, your first child. It's a boy, circumcision.

You just think automatic, right? because that's the way we're raised. So why didn't you? Because, believe it or not, I was on Howard Stern of all people. Oh, boy. And he had just had someone on. He said it was mutilation.

And then Whoopi Goldberg's an old friend. She also has done a lot of studies on it. Gee, I guess that's okay. She's not circumcised. I don't know. She needs to be. She needs to be big time. She's the best,

by the way, for me. Yeah. She's been the best, one of the best people. Best friend. Only person that's ever done anything for me in Hollywood, ever. What about me?

Really? What about? I just hung up a bra with pumpkins. My guy. Come on. Well, I did a movie with other comedians and not me. So there you go. Although I was in one of my movies.

Can I tell people what my lines were? Yeah. This is a trained actor. Ah! How did I do? It's great. That was my, I know you're going, ah, ah, and you're going, oh, man, that's brilliant. Man, that's, you acted like I was.

Great. You acted like I was. was going to win an Oscar for you did in my mind it made me feel so good and then until I watched the movie saw that everyone else had tons of lines and I played ah yeah so anyway um good they convinced me to at least research and now here's the third name I'll drop remember hidey fles yeah do I remember hidey flies believe it or not her dad was a huge pediatrician or maybe still is I don't know huge she was the the Hollywood madam madam right he was the biggest so she knew about Wee in Los Angeles, and we went to him.

See, her advice I would take. God hers. She knows weaners. Her dad was a trained professional. Right, but her dad probably ran her wiener's stories. And he's also Jewish, so you expect because that would be, that's obviously a covenant and everything else. He said how that became a covenant, he gave the whole backstory.

He was anti-circumcision. So between those three, at least opened me up to it. Now my kids hate me for it because none of them are circumcised. Why do they hate it because it's so cosmetically sort of weird? Because it's not accepted. You know, they're in the showers and stuff like that. You know, you don't see even porn. But, you know, obviously, that's how you're born.

It's really, it's, I know. But it looks like so. You ever see an anteater? It looks like somebody slammed an anteater's nose in a minivan door. Like, really. And the fact that it like peels back and then there's a mushroom underneath, it's sort of like an elf's fantasy, but not a woman. It was funny as my wife at the time was arguing for the no circumcision.

I was arguing for, I said, and one of my arguments was, I go, we were, I was like, no, I can't do this to him. You know, what about it? He's got to look like his father. And she's like, what? I go, no, I never saw my father's dick, but that's not the point. I never did see my father's dick. When you think about it, you know. You did see it, actually.

I never saw my dad's dick. Yes, you did. No, there's no way. Do you remember where you came out of to be born? Yeah? Where? He was in there nine months before. Let's not get it.

You came out of a little hole in the tip of daddy's mushroom. You not only saw it, you felt it. You popped out of the tip of your daddy's mushroom. Let's be honest here. Craig, you must be prepared for any conversation to go any way. Am I wrong? You could never even have dreamt of. You cannot even use your imagination.

You could be an ayahuasca and not come up with this shit, Craig. So just stay steady. Look them in the eye and respond. Am I wrong? You are not wrong, Arland. Did you or did you not pop out of daddy's bald cyclops? I never looked. My eyes are closed.

I never saw my dad. And he died last year, so I never will. Oh, well, you did. I know. I never saw it. But the point is. Yeah. But why are your sons mad at you?

All three sons. Why are they mad? Like, is it, as it impacted their life negatively, that they're not circumcised? My one sense, my one sense said he's, he's going to, he wants to do it. He wants to, you know, have it done. You can do it as an adult? Absolutely. I know a guy, he turned, yeah, my friend Chris, he turned Jewish and he had to have to be circumcised.

Yeah. Some people, if you turn Jewish, you've got to get a second circumcision if you were the, to begin with, by a moyal. Wait, if you're Jewish, you have to do it. It's mandatory? Yeah. Wow. It's a covenant. I wonder if they ever take those skins

and stretch them and use them as the yarmulaka. Like to repurpose. And then if you rub it, it becomes a tent. How in the world, with all your obscurity? Could that one be that slow on the draw on getting? If you rub it, if you rub it, it'd be a will attempt. You could sell it at REI.

What's REI? Oh, wow. What's REI? You got to expand your horizons from, you know, bloody gums to R.EI is a place where you buy tents. Who knew that? No, I want you all to write in. Colin, no, one person knew what REI was. I thought it was a university in Brooklyn.

I know it's your spot here. I know it's your podcast. RIA. This one, and I know they're against me. because you don't go against the host that's the way people are i get it no they're going to be that guy's in this case i am going to say most people say you're wrong on this one most people are going to go you don't know rye come on i'm i'm you're an outdoorsman too i'm willing to admit i'm wrong and my guests can go against me anytime they want that's how open i think you got to remember this

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That's a-u-r-a-com slash C-O-N-T-R-O-L for your free trial. That's aura.com slash control. I joined a cult since I've seen you last. Oh, yeah. And I, yeah, so she did. And my dad had his own cult, so this is a straight, I married my dad, I guess. And it's become a big, like, a big hit. Wow.

Not funny. It's not funny. I mean, we might get a little funny, but it's basically it's about, having to deal with cults, yeah. The whole podcast. Everything's about cults, yeah. I have guests that have been in cults. I just had a guy who's in the Moonies

and he wrote books about it. Oh, Reverend Moon. Yeah, I remember that? Yeah, I remember Reverend. Was he Korean? Were you approached? Yeah, were you approached by them? I was approached when I was in college.

I was approached by Scientology. I was walking down the sidewalk with my buddy and they tried to bring me in for one of those like IQ tests. That's right, yeah. And we went in and we did it because we were kids, but we still knew it. something was off. So we just did it sort of as an amusement

and we just kind of did it and buggered off. But then later on at my Catholic school, they brought in like a businessman who had a family and everything. And he came in and gave us, you know, they give you lectures. And he said, boys and girls,

I was a normal guy with a normal job with a wife and three kids. I joined Scientology and my life was destroyed. my they took all my money like he said don't even get in their headspace for a second now this is him not me i have no verification but i know he said it was so dangerous that they have ways to manip to brainwash you basically so quickly and so effectively that you succumb and you're in and they sort of do you know you become theirs now that's his i don't want scientology writing well not only that i actually i actually can quote unquote defend scientology basically

on my own experience. Oh, okay, good. I was really, really tight with at least 10 Scientologists, major ones, including Elron Hubbard's son Arthur, including Lisa Marie Presley. These were all my friends when I moved to Hollywood. Yeah. We used to jog up in the hills and everything.

I even did a movie there at the Celebrity Center. Now, this is the strangest thing. I mean, I have a lot of friends there. Who are in Scientology. Big time Scientologist. And I've got to tell you something. It's the weirdest thing. They never once came on to me.

Wow. Not one single time. The only time I was invited to a concert of Chick-Coree, who's a Scientologist, and we're at the Greek theater. It was me and my buddy, Billy, and we're supposed to meet Lisa Presley, and she's like, he's French, she goes, come to the concert. Oh, it's a concert. No, it was an Elron Hubbard rally.

So every time they put them up on the screen, they go, hip, hip, hooray. I'm going, oh, my God, Billy, they're recruiting us. They still even that night, you know, the concert went on. So just last year, this is many years ago. Those are in the 90s. I started getting insecure because I'm like, watching these, you know. They don't want me. I called him up like an insecure guy.

My friend Michael, I go, hey, Michael, this might sound a little weird, but how can you guys never came on to me? Because you always hear about the recruiting, not once. And I'm talking about hanging out big time, almost every day playing baseball. It almost sounds like you wanted to get recruited. I did, I did want to be. It's like I've been on, I've gone to, I did the same thing in Hawaii. I sit and I eat a hamburger.

and I watched the prostitutes approach people, and they never approached me. I did the same thing when I go, I'm a good old question. How come nobody ever hits me? What? They said, they were mad that I even asked the question, but he was not mad.

He just goes, because you don't seem like you want, you need it. Wow. So this was at the Greek theater. You said you went to the Greek theater. You know what I hate about the Greek theater, the seats? Because whenever you get up, you got fruit on your bottom. I'm usually on the stage there.

I don't know. I've been on the stage a lot there. Have you? Ever played the Greek theater? I think you missed the joke. Oh, the yogurt on the seats. Fruit on the bottom. Greek theater.

I did miss it. I thought you were, I thought, I thought, Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the second half of the Harlem Highway. One moment there might have been sharing your reality of sitting there watching someone on stage and you got up these are uncomfortable seats.

I shouldn't put that on you to expect to know my get all the jokes. I don't get them all. Well, you certainly haven't gotten most of mine. None. No, I mean, I have a nun. You could let your guest have a most. Yeah.

It had to be a nun. Right to the nun. What's your, tell me you, you have a bunch of nicknames. What's one of the main ones people call you? Wow. Well, shoe is my name. That's almost everyone.

Almost everyone calls me. me shoe. Hold on. The other shoe was Bill Shoemaker. Oh, my God. Did you do the... Look at that. You're so prepared today.

My dad sold bras. The shoe. And you had a bra ready for me. Yeah. My dad gave me the name Shoemaker. Now you have a shoe, which is my nickname. The shoe. My dad also had a cult that ran mule rides in the Pocono Mountains, Pennsylvania.

I know we talked about that the last podcast. I'm expecting a mule to be here. Come on, bust out something. Oh, the mule is here. Believe me. saddle or he also converted cesspools to sewers so he had me doing that job wait what's that he gave me a little uh shovel he saw it off a shovel i'd visit him like once he every few years and he'd always put me to work so you have to convert the cesspool that's there you have to put it to

the sewer line but how do you do that it had me digging a tunnel from the house like a gopher like shaw shank redemption i was like and did the frame 1966 i ended the friend left shaw shaw shaw shank redemption i was like Andy, I ended the frame. 1966, I ended the friend, left Saul, Sank Prison. All they found was a sudden mother prison clothes, an old rock hammered. They wound down to the nub and a bar of soap. You better get busy living or get busy dying. Craig Schumer, trying to visit his daddy.

Wow. Came an old shovel. That's what I did. I had to take a shovel, and he would meet me at the other side. Wait, it was for a sewage system? Yeah, I talk about a shit job. I had a shit job for it. Oh, no, Craig.

That's what he made. made me do when I visited him. Yeah. I mean, he was a lot of things, but he did all these different. Did you have to watch it to make sure it worked? Like, did you have to do a test flush? No, no, because at that point, then the plumbers come in. He is, okay. He used to say to me, he gave me a, like, was eight years old. He gave me a wagon and leave me in like some, some area going door to door canvassing. He called it, he goes, you can be an estimator. And so you want an estimate? Try city contracting. So I have people estimates for how much it would cost to convert their sewer to a cesspool and that was what he would make me do and he would

and he would leave me for like eight hours just out in the sun with no no umbrella no food and just with a wagon those are my visits with my dad i mean oh what do you mean oh this so i became a comedian think i was normal oh so you like i still have abandonment issues i i can't take it when a waiter leaves my table oh where you going oh no i'm getting your food sir oh sure you are he's not coming back they're all the same. There's a lot of effect that he had on me. I got arrested when I was 13. For what? I did a lot of things. That was for robbery. What'd you rob? I robbed the, that was a department store. I robbed, I robbed record albums. I knew how to steal record albums. How? The cops chase. I got a high speed chase and I just kept chucking them out the window, all these.

There goes someone's head off. There goes Neil Diamond. The Diamond took a guy's head off. There goes Bonnie Rae. There goes Duran Duran. What? Yeah. So they arrested me and the guy says, the cop says, how would you like to end up like one of these guys in the poster?

I'm going, at least he's wanted. Whoa, you do have a ban of an issue. Wow. I actually did think that. I was like, wow. These guys are all wanted. I was not wanted. My dad, once a year, once every four years I would visit him.

He'd just put me to work. I never felt wanted. My mom was always working. Did he ever tell you he loved you? You know, wow, we're going to get deep with that. Well, now we're back to Field of Dreams. See, that full circle, Kevin Costum, but you want to have a catch, Dan. I told you, this goes all over the world.

I must admit that one of the reasons I'm back here, and I contacted it was someone contacted me, the one person did hear me the last time and contacted me about something that we went a little deep with. And he goes, I don't hear that normally from comedians. Hold on, let me move the shoe. He goes, I loved hearing that on Harlan Williams' podcast. Wait, what was he referring to? Now I don't remember.

He wrote to me, and I went, oh, that reminds me. Maybe I'll ask Harlan if I could go back on because I, you know, share some stories together, hang out. Love it. And it was one of the deeper stories, you know, might have been, my dad one time bought me a car for my 16th birthday. And if I told you this, I was so excited. He came to the house, very rarely, and he shows up, 16th birthday. say he signs the title over to me to this car, a Pontiac, and I'm driving up and down the driveway.

I didn't have my license yet. Yeah. And then he drove away in the car. I never saw the car again. But my friends would say, wait. My friends say, do you have a car? And I'd show them the title. I go, yeah, look at this.

I have my own car. I never, ever saw that car again. He just needed someone to sign the title. No, it wasn't that. He just forgot to arrange a ride home for himself. And he just took the car. And I went, hey, when are you coming back? He never came back.

I never got the crime. And then two years later, he trades me for my car that I bought myself. And he gave me a 65 Cadillac ambulance, Blakely Burrow, bright orange, the advantage of it. It had to stop every hundred miles to fill it with oil because all the oil and had no floorboards. You had an ambulance? It would rain up. Oh, it was the best because if anybody was in my way, I'd just give him a little.

Right. We'd all move over. Everybody would move over. Oh, that's the best. I was the head of the college. Yeah. Plus, if you hit, someone you can just throw them in the back and keep going. And they had plugs. We had little

fans for the pot. Wow. It was a pretty cool thing. But it was a hearse. It was this, it's Blakely Borough ambulance. It was from some, some Hicktown in Pennsylvania. And he gave me that. But the other car, he never, ever brought it back. I had a title for years. I would tell people, I have a car. So he drove it over, forgetting that he had to leave eventually. I don't know if he forgot, but he left that. That sounds like a plan. He's had a lot of schemes, that boy. But wait, wait, we're skipping around your daddy ever tell you he loves you? Oh, we skipped around.

Oh, you want to go tender. Tender treats. At one time that he arranged to meet me, I was 21 years old, and I was not happy about him, never saying I love you. Right. I was really bothered by that. Yeah. And the no catch, that's the metaphor for love. and, you know, with you would be like slap shots or whatever.

Oh, yeah, the no catch, the field of dreams reference. No catch, right? No playing catch with your dad. Yeah, I don't know what you played hockey or lacrosse or had to be. Yeah, so that was our thing in America. Yeah. And not that you're not America. Yeah.

You're even bigger than we are in Northern. So he never did those things. So I was, you know, I carried that around with me and I had a delinquent life. Yeah. drugs, alcohol, died. I died, hovered over my body. I mean, a lot of stuff went down. And then the one time at 21, he says, I'll meet you halfway.

And we met at this restaurant in Quaker Town, Pennsylvania. He just said, Ila? No, no. He's a real manly guy. Yeah. It's not his thing. He's always about the women. He had a harem of women.

14 women was his maximum. I called it his harem. He goes, I'm king of the polka-nose. You be part of my empire if you go over there, comedy shit. He goes, look at my harem. Sounds like Captain Picard to me. No, not like that. He's not a harem.

A heron. So anyway, he, in the parking lot, I think he was coached by one of his harem. All of a sudden, I walk over to him, and he says, he put his arms around me a little bit. Wow. He goes, love you. What was that? Love you. Pardon me?

I didn't do that. He said it. Wait, that's, I love you. I think he was clearing his throat. No, he wasn't. Come on, give me my one. I love you. You're going to take that away and he just died last year.

Let me hear it. You want me to say it as he should have said? No, as he said it. How he said it. That's what I'm doing. I love you. Right? So he says it.

I'm just, this is just a question. Here's my one regret. You were in a parking lot. His car was there or your car was there. I paid the bill as usual. Were there throat lozenges around the car seat? Oh, here we go. Yeah, and they were bloody from the, from the gums.

No, but what I'm saying is it sounds like maybe he had no. So he talks like this. Yeah, but I think he, you know, sometimes just see clouds and it looks like a horse or he couldn't. It wasn't a matter of stuttering or having a bad throat. It was a hard thing for him to say and get out. It's not English to him. Can I hear it one more time? I love you.

Maybe with a bee. Love you. he said it i heard him say it but here's the thing harland i didn't say it back you didn't say back no nothing let's do it now that's one of my regrets you're gonna play my pops you play we just scattered his ashes a few months ago me and my mom god bless yeah can we can we do it like the i'll be him yeah you be you yeah and we'll do it just to clear it up forever Dad, what's his name? Al.

Al, AI, if you're listening, I'm going to be you, Al. Ready? You're Al? Yeah, ready? We're going to do it both ways, so we clear it up for good. Really? Ready? This is going to do it?

Yeah. All right, so we're in the parking lot. He goes to his car. Sort of half put my arms on. Yeah? Craig. I'll see you later, dad. Craig?

Yeah? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Was that going to? Okay. Now we're going to do what we call the right way. Let's do it again. That was not the right way that.

You did not enunciate. Now we're going to be a better version of him. Now it watched, too. I'm channeling him right now. I thought this is the heavenly version. He would not mutter. I'll come into me. Come into me right now. Wait, hang on.

Is anybody still watching this? Al, come into me. Come into me from above, Al. I got to make sure I have some water to wet, wet my lips out comes out right. He's in me. Hurry. All right, do it again. Go.

Oh, we have all of me now. Okay. Go, go. All right, Dad, I'll see you later. I'll see you later, Craig. Yep. Craig? Yeah.

I love you. Good. No, I love you too. Clean. Now those ashes are starting to shine on the Whits of Hick and Creek. Right? Didn't that feel good? Yes, absolutely.

We're clean. now we got to talk to all the debtors that are after me because i had to sign wait what what are the dead i thought you would leave me with something oh no i get all the calls now because i signed the power of attorney well craig came along at the end you know i didn't speak to it for years but i had to do all that so i had to get all the i had to get all the calls from the people oh you're dad he promised me oh i'm sorry curtis he owed people cars and toys and Yeah, my ambulance took that back. But wait, wait, wait, tell me about,

because I've always wondered about this out-of-body thing. First of all, how did you die? And B, what was it like when you said you were floating over yourself? And C, did you see the big guy in the sky? No. How did you die, first of all? Well, first of all, I started at the beginning. Jamaica, I was about 22 years old.

And, you know, I really did have a tough child. I can look at you right in the eye and say, I'm okay with all of those. I was kidnapped by a serial. pedophile. I was beaten up. We were poor. I was beaten. Yeah. A lot of that stuff was happening, right? We talked about that on the last podcast. If you want to go back and look at it, it's fascinating. That's the real quick, uh, cliff note version of it was very painful,

difficult childhood. I started drinking and using when I was like 12, 13 years old. By the way, thank you for sharing. Not easy to do. Commendable. It's, but it's okay. It is easy to do. It's good therapy, I bet. No, I'm, it's so easy. I do it for other people so they know, look, I'm very successful. right i became successful from talking about this stuff yeah that's all telling but you're uncomfortable that fuck you i don't care if you're uncomfortable this makes other people comfortable that are going through it you know what it makes me feel if i can be honest really uncomfortable no if i get the way you're so open it i don't do

Oh, you just floated by you. You did this. You went, well, I just, you went, a drive-by, I love you. I'm floating. This is what I was when I was dead. All right, so tell me how you died. I was in Jamaica. Yeah, good place to die, by the way.

Might as well be on holiday. And the pot there, literally, the pot is so prevalent. My roaches were a half an ounce. Yeah, the stuff you throw out. It's so disposable. There was so much of it. I put it in my socks, by the way. I had to smuggle it back.

There was no way I was going to leave this there. And I said, if the dog sniff it, they're going to go way away from my socks. Because I was in a sneaky sock days, you know what I mean, 21 years old. Sure. And they didn't. They didn't get me. Whoa. But anyway, pot, I did that, that night I did pot.

It's gonja and a big giant joint. The bomb a Ross pot, man. Oh, yeah, man. I got some good smoke for you, man. I send you down to Ms. Jenny's cakes. You have Ms. Jenny cake. Fuck you are good, man. Oh, Arama, man.

Red stribeer, man. Did you hear what I just did? Did my dad as a Rasta? I did, oh, my, man. Love him on. Okay. The callback of my dad muttering, I love you, is going to go on and on forever. Somebody else pitched me to work with you just today.

They said, should co-headline and do shows together. Yeah, I don't know why you won't, we didn't do it earlier. I'm kind of offended. I never really done it. I know, but the fact you've been avoiding me. If I think you're going to go on after me

and start heckling me from the stage going, everybody's saying, to Craig, that would be horrible. But it's the Craig Schumacher, I love you tour. Starring Grover and Cookie Monster. I love you.

I love cookies and I love you. All right, get to how you died. This is a long. death i've ever lived through you're the one who takes us in different tangents i know but jamaica just tell me about how a rock fell on your head for god's sake gonga cake red stripe beer cocaine meth is all was it oh that's okay just the little ingredients to the death part okay so i'm i'm at a ross will you help me you know about this i'm at a ross he's useless as tits on a bull that's what he's to say to me useless to i need him like custer needed more indians i'm just

channeling my father not rost of that yeah i channeled them it's fun i'm there i'm there at this rost concert trying to press these two girls i am so obliterated i went and then they said i just went down on this pavement what and they said my head i got a big head it's a size eight it's a human eclipse heaven costner size i think it's bigger yeah so anyway i went it's jupiter this is no mars or venus it's a big head it's a big head boom on the ground i'm that i'm done i'm so i hovered over my body wait did you remember was it the front of your head or the back of my head yeah i went down yeah and they said it just it's just like dropping a bowling ball and i'm six feet over six feet six two

boom yes oh that's sort of like yeah here we go here's the sound it made so just picture this this big 21 year old goes chagaboo let it go no it's the bounce no let it's the bounce no let it's the bounce no let go and let's hear the sound that it made oh okay ready here we go oh that's nasty that's exactly how it sounded it sounded like that you're right it is chookaboo I died and I hovered over my body what you died like you were I just hovered over my body just gone up and they're reviving me what you came out like a ghost yeah like one of them was a nurse thank God so she came out as a nurse she's doing her thing oh no you she was a nurse one of the people I was hanging out with so they they're all around me I will never forget these

words though as I'm hovering from a roster not roster it wasn't my dad it was a raster guy in the background I don't know what he looked like I just remember these words he goes oh pasty mong did too much mushroom tea that's what you heard when you died past because I'm white paste my mom did too much mushroom tea and I did have a lot of mushroom tea so I hover for a while now when you say hover because no most people have never done it Are you talking, it's just an out of body? Are you 30 feet up? Are you six feet up?

Are you, 100 feet up? I'd say probably 20 feet up looking at everything. And you're seeing everything, including yourself. Yes, yeah. So everything's like kind of, I'm just kind of like in this weightless. Yeah. Like you in that, that astronaut movie. I'm trying to bring it back to you, bro.

That's me. Okay. That's how that joke landed. So anyway. And then I came back into my body. They said, he's back, you know. And then they're shaking me and reviving me. And then they take me back to this.

I rented this castle on the water. This is a Negril. And they take me back. I will never forget this. Literally, God. Remember the scene from Animal House where it's God and the angel on the shoulder? Yeah. It was that argument going on.

And then, like, the death and the. the darkness and the Beelzebub, devil, whatever it is, was saying, you're with me now. The devil? You're with me now. You're with me now. I love you. I will put you into a trench coat and you will approach vacationers and walk up to them

and expose yourself and tell them that the Roman numeral 21 looks like the inside of an electric generator. That's who you will be. You will never leave this island. That's what was saying to me. That got a pumpkin dog. And a God was going, come with me. This is your opportunity. please come with me.

They fought all night long. And these women left me alone, which was stupid. How long were you dead? The room was spinning. No, I wasn't dead anymore. That was revived. But this was going on. This dialogue was going on.

Well, you were unconscious. Push pull. No, I was conscious, but barely. But that push pull was going on. It was so vivid in my memories to this day, many years later. And the next day, my friend, Pete, because I left my moped up at the concert, he goes, man, everybody's talking about this. guy that went to died like who was me beat so you were just up and running around the next day

no not real i was in pretty bad shape but i still i didn't party for like a couple days took a couple days a couple of days then i went back to the died saw god and the devil and then two days later it was back at the marijuana mom and the the devil guy kept telling me you're never leaving this island you're going to be a burnout who walks up to people in a trench coat this was a whole scenario this guy presented for me it reminded me a being on your podcast and I'm coming up there with the with a these kerchips and my gums are bleeding where does the gums bleeding thing come from have I ever said that I love I love you're analyzing my ad lib of you like you've never said gums bleeding when did I it just reminds me of you

that's something you would say you would go to a gum bleeding yeah I would something sucking you always have something suck you know tomato sucking pumpkin yeah anyway so I think I'm about to die and float out of my body. Just from being with me. Yeah. Yeah, Harlan. It is, it's just, I express these things. Only on your show, by the way.

I don't talk about this. You better not do it on anyone else. Yeah, it's exclusive. Exclusive. Exclusive. Exclusive. He are on the Harlan Highway. God, the devil, Jamaica.

He's floating. He smells like ether and his sister has braces on her legs. Stay tuned on the Harlan Highway for the shoe, shoe, shoe, shoe, shoe, shoe, shoe, shoe. Yeah, I mean, so what I always tell people is when they're uncomfortable, I say, listen, you know, this is a great thing. This is a great challenge to my ego. I consider ego evading growth opportunity. The ego tells you don't go there. The ego says don't explore these things.

The ego says protect your image to the way you want people to think about you. But you talked about me. You did a little intervention on me on my podcast saying, hey, man, you get out there and you go do your stand-up and you go be free. Be free. This is how I'm free. because I talk about my past because it doesn't own me. The guy that kidnapped me, he doesn't have the keys to my prison. Great, great, great approach.

So this is the message that I would want to get out. If you want to look me up, I've succeeded. I've done very, very well from nothing, from poverty and all this stuff. So now you can too. So if I can be an inspiration to people, forget poverty and all that. You were dead. You've done all this from being non-existent. I think that trumps everything else.

We were all dead at one time. Wow. Now it's just the career. death well buddy let's jump to it that's an amazing thank you for sharing and let's do this is our final segment this is called words from a wooden shoe as you know yeah and what you do if you remember you reach into the authentic dutch clog pull out a word and see if it triggers a story from your journey which is quite illustrious so see if it uh if i pull out the word gums bleeding gums oh i won't even be able to

I don't be here anymore. Or Farah Fawcett, even, would be, what is it? Unknown skill discovered. Oh, okay. Oh. The first thing that comes to mind, I was at a hockey game, Philadelphia Flyers with my buddies. Okay.

How were their gums? And then they have a lot of bloody gums. You must admit. Hockey, yeah. A lot of bloody gans. So. Sorry, go ahead. And there are these guys coming there.

Anyway, they. sucking on a hockey stick from Ottawa from Ottawa and they put the stick down and they're saying on them. So that's my Harlem Williams impression. I got to work on that one. So I'm sitting there with my buddies

and I like to be challenged. I know about you. I accept every challenge. I love it. I lost in Wordle for the first time last night. I am very upset. Oh, that's because Wordle isn't really a word. Oh, that's your first sign.

Girdle is. My dad sold those too. My dad sold those. bras and girdles. I'm there in the hockey game, and it was a little boring. Yeah. My friend says, my buddy could put his fist in his mouth. I got, really?

And I started to do this. I go, man, that's a tough thing to do. Sure enough, I start ramming and jamming and using my fingers. If you want me to do it now, I think I can still do it. Into your mouth? I put my whole fist in my mouth. Oh, I got to see that. So then when I finish.

Why didn't you do this at the beginning? of the podcast because i had to open up with a kevin coster in a shell station you got to go with what the host tells you because the host didn't guide me put your foot hey craig put your fist in your mouth make sure you don't hit any gums yeah for an hour so so i i was do want me to do it now sure so i was i was i can't believe it using my finger and i was like trying to you know get the get the mouth around the the last knuckles yeah i finally achieved i'm going and i turn to my friend go, I look up, the entire stadium is looking at me. I'm on the jumbo trotron.

Whoa. The players turned around. Whoa, look at him there. Wow. That's awesome. And that's how I knew I could do that skill was that day. What the hell? And then I was in People Magazine doing it at the first comedy convention.

I got to see this. Does it hurt? Yeah, it hurts. But for you, let's see this. I'm like, I'm kind of like a snake swallowing a rat. Hold on. Let me see if I got some dramatic music for this. Hold on.

Let's see if I can still do this. Oh, hold up. I've got to loosen up my mouth here. There you go. All right, here we go. Craig Shoemaker. The shoe, putting his fist in his mouth, an hour too late. This we can see.

Whoa. Whoa. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Now tell me you love me. I love you. I love you. I love you.

Wow. That's what your dad was doing. He had his fist in his mouth. Wow. Folks, that's called a callback. Oh, dude. Barlon Williams, the king of the callback. Dude, that was amazing.

Wow. Wow. Say it now. Buddy, tell the folks where they can see you, whether you're doing stand-up, whether you're doing your lecture series, your books, your movies, tell them. Look in there and tell them. One thing I do these days, I really enjoy this is I coach. I coach people how to be funnier. And I mean, I coach my, I have the number one guy, mortgage guy. He started out boring. He's the number one mortgage guy in Florida now. Wow. Yeah. I have a real estate guy's number one. I teach people because funny is money. Yeah.

If you can teach people how to be funny, they're more engaging, more magnetic. Yeah. I wish I could learn. Yeah. You can go to my class, so I have classes. And also, I teach stand-ups now and then, but mostly it's like people that just really want to live a better life. And I also coach on Zoom. I take corporations and companies, and we start our day with an uplift by do guided laffitation and chuckle chatter.

Yeah, give them a little boost. And it's really awesome. And I love doing that, but I still do something. stand up and still do you have a schedule they can see yeah go to craig shoemaker.com shoemaker not mucker i know you tried a couple times you almost you almost you know i want to playback on that one mother mucker so uh yeah official craig shoemaker on instagram kept me some followers man i'm stuck at 58000 what the hell on where just stuck on instagram just stuck right follow crag shoemaker and go go see his shows go to his lecture series learn to laugh none of this

is in those lectures, by the way. None of this is all. You don't put the fist in the mouth? This is called intellectual property that you own now. It's the only place I do any of these stories. I do a little something. Although my wife joined a cult, you might want to check that.

I tell a lot of stories about the cults. All right, so check that out. And before we go, since you did the thing in the mouth, you have a skill that you're going to, I can put my head up my ass. Hang on. Folks? Oh, I just threw my back out, but I would have done it. I would have done it otherwise.

You do know that you've heard before about my special skill, though. Have you heard that around the comedy? I know a lot of comedians. What this? No. What's the other one? A lot of comedians know this one. As a matter of fact, the guy wrote me the other day, he was in my acting class.

What is it? From many years ago, I couldn't believe you remembered it. What is it? You really don't know? No. Should I say it or? Yeah. Save it for another thing.

No, say it. Blow myself. You have a leaf blower? I've done that a million. time, especially in the fall. This guy brought it up. I couldn't believe he was a witness because I showed George Wallace in acting class. I used a pencil. And I went down and got the pencil. I showed him how I could do it. You can bend down into your own crotch. And I used to, you know, it was more flexible. And then this guy brought it up the other day on Facebook. He goes,

I was an acting class. The pencil trick. I went down and I got the pencil. Thank God you're circumcised. Otherwise it wouldn't be able to get it. Yeah. We're going to hear the rest of this on Craig's next visit. my God. Ladies and gentlemen. Can you edit that part out? Hell no. I'm editing out the first 59 minutes. That's the part that stays. Oh. Folks, Craig Shoemaker, check them out. Go to follow him on Instagram. Check out his podcast. What's the name of it? My wife joined a cult. My wife joined a cult. Yeah. Check it out. Yeah. And Craig, thank you so much for being here. Folks, that's it for today. Until next time, chicken chowmaine and remember daddy loves you i love you too i love you more

mangina hey everybody how would you like your very own personal video message from me yours truly it's your birthday it's your anniversary at your graduation or you just want me to make you laugh You get to pick the topic you want me to discuss, give me some talking points, and off we go. You can get it for yourself or get it for a friend. It's super easy and fun. Just go to the Cameo app on your phone or to Cameo.com. And I record a custom video made just for you or your loved one. Your very own personalized Harland.

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