The Harland Highway - CRISTINA MARIANA serves Italian therapy, stirs up ranch tension, and rizz's em with the tizzum.

Episode Date: September 23, 2025

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Rizum, Ortism, Ortism. You decide. You get to decide. I love it. I'm going to be honest, I don't know what Rism or Tism means. It's okay. You don't need to. I like it.

It's starting to feel right. Rismortism, what do you think, big boy? See, I love it. I love it. Rism or Tism, you decide, big whopper. Rizum, tism, you decide. Huh? I like that.

Right? Rism, autism. You decide. Sure. We got it. Sure. Whoa. We got it.

Yeah. Yeah. like a weather condition foggy or like do you see fog in your eyes or do you mean just like you're disoriented yeah that one or a little bit of clouds what do you think's causing it the the clouds i don't know huh the jews probably i'm just kidding the jews or the juice or the juice did you say the jews or the juice a little bit of both a little bit of the juice a little bit of the juice. Have you thought about dating like a meteorologist? Because they know, they know weather conditions, patterns, fog. They might understand fog in a way that you or I, the lay person,

couldn't. Yeah, you know, maybe I should. I usually don't date people with skills, so. Oh, just like, just really like fun people that like smoke weed and are chill, you know? Oh, they have no real skill set? Don't know anything about the weather. I mentioned the term lay person. Lay? Yeah. You know what I mean when I say lay person? Like someone who lays down a lot?

Yeah, I guess I do. Yeah, they lay down. Yeah. People who nap. Yeah. Okay. Those are great people. Yeah, I think we all do it.

I can't nap. Why not? I don't know. I think because of all the clouds and fog. Oh, yeah. They just in the storm. Oh, no. It makes it hard for naping. Are you like an insomniac?

I don't know, because I'll go to bed at like 2 or 3 a.m. And then I wake up at 7 or 8 in the morning. So you average like about 4 or 5 hours a night. Yeah. You might be right on the border of insomniac town. Yeah, and you know what's weird, when I'm on the road, I sleep better than when I'm not. Oh, really? So wait, you won't sleep well in your own comfy, familiar bed with.

your own scent, your own pillows, but you will sleep well in a motel six or a holiday in bed that the night before could have had a big Samoan truck driver doing Taco Bell farts and leaving pubs in the sheets. You know, I never thought about it like that, but now that you say that, yeah. Huh. I'd like to understand the psychology of that. Me too. Did you have father issues or truck driver issues?

Man, no, I don't know because I felt loved by my dad. Was he a truck driver? No, my dad wasn't a truck. He drove a truck, but not like professionally, leisurely. Well, technically. He was a recreational truck driver. A recreational what? Truck driver.

He recreationally drove trucks. Kind of like the one you have. Yeah, I have an old truck. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I'm a truck driver. I'm a truck driver at heart, too. Oh, really?

But wait, so you didn't think about that there's other people that have been sleeping in that bed at the hotel? No, I've never thought about that before. But now it makes me feel like, oh, I'm not alone. Oh. So now when you sleep in a hotel bed, you could sort of envision who the last guest was. He's like, oh, that's nice.

We were here together, and we were both just two people in the world. Oh. I never thought about it. Now I have a little, like, romantic thing I can do. in my head. It's romantic. It doesn't creep you out. No, it's like a little, I'm looking at it in a good way because I have to. Yeah. What am I going to do? Creep myself out even more than I already am about stuff. Have you ever pulled down like the sheets at the hotel and there's been a little treat in the bed like a stain or a pub or a eyelash or something? No, no little treats yet, but

okay. We'll see. That's good. No. Should I put these on? or no would you like to it's up to you they're just there i don't know maybe it's totally up to you i don't know if you if you want them some people feel comfortable with them hi oh what do you think you like those yeah do they look cool they look cool i think we can start ladies and gentlemen christina mariani's here uh how are you good how are you uh she's here we got her on the holland Howie podcast, let and gentlemen, I do guarantee, she's a comedian, she frequents, sounds like hotels. Yeah, hotels. She's, uh, what else are you doing?

Are you just focused on the comedy right now? Yeah, I'm just going around, I'm touring. Touring. Yeah. Oh, God. You mentioned before you came over, you get a little bit nervous. Oh, yeah. I'm always kind of nervous, but especially doing podcasts for some reason.

Really? Yeah. A little jittery. Yeah. You know what? I got something that can help with that. You know how when people go into a house and they get a bad vibe or they get scared? Yeah.

And they'll burn like incense or they'll burn mace or whatever it's called. Can you burn mace? I don't know. Actually, I have sage that I burn. Sage, that's it. I said mace. Mace. Mace.

the stuff you spray at a grizzly bear, isn't it? Yeah, but that'll get rid of bad vibes, too. I guess you're right. Yeah. So, Sage, well, explain what Sage is, because isn't it a plant? I think so. I hope it's a plant. Yeah, and you've done that?

You've burnt sage? Yeah, it's supposed to get rid of bad vibes. Right. Yeah, so I've done it before, and, you know, I think anything you think is real. Right. Well, what I have a little ritual I do for people who get nervous to be on the and what we do is we throw mini mellows around okay and we just you know we instead of like saging we just get miniature marshmallows and we just you know throw them around in the air

almost like puffy snowflakes can i do it too oh yeah it's it's gonna help yeah see how good like you're already feeling better you can eat them can throw them How do you feel, Guy? There. See, looking. Yeah. Do some more. You're lightening up.

Hit me. Open your mouth. Oh, no. Darn it. But you got to go a little bit, like, darn it, I'm not good at this. Maybe I'll get it down your shirt or something. No.

I'm sorry. See, look, look how fun, look how much fun we're having. No more nervousness here. Nobody does this. This is so nice. Welcome to mellow fever. Look, right into the camera. I wish they did this before Kill Tony.

Yeah, right? That's where we met, isn't it? Yeah. Kilt. You opened for me in Austin. Yeah, I did. That's where we met. That's where the magic happened.

That's where the magic happened. And, you know, you, like, speaking of being a little nervous, you do have a little bit of a, like, a trepidation. Like, you're a little, like, kind of, you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, I do. Like a little sort of timid a little bit. Which is interesting, because to do stand-up comedy, you have to have the ultimate confidence.

Do you? See, just right there. Right there. What? No. No, because I wanted to, I want to get confident. I'm working on it. Yeah.

But I think secretly without knowing it, you are. And sort of your thing, which sort of disarming and charming about you, if I may say so, folks, is that you do sort of have this thing. Okay. Like I don't, and I'll be honest, I don't know if I could pitch you like, being aggressive like a cop. Like, let's say I'm a guy, you're a cop. Okay.

And I'm robbing an old lady and you come around the corner and do the classic freeze thing. Well, act it out, see how it goes. Ready? Okay. Hey, old lady, give me your money. Give me your money, you old bag.

Come on. Freeze. Come on, you old bag. No, no, freeze. I'm going to shoot if you don't freeze. I swear to God, I'm going to shoot. Come on, your old bag. Give me your money.

I threw the gun. at you. And it hit you right in the head. Yeah. And now you're knocked out. And now I'm going to be like, come on, old lady. And then I take her money because I spent it all in this rental car and I need money. So I'm robbing the old lady. You're the guy. And then you end up stealing her money. Plot twist. I was a bad cop the entire time. Wow. I have to move somewhere else. Change my identity. What about an auctioneer? Could you do that? Like, could you? Like the man, but, no, I just see I messed up. I wanted to do it. But I don't know. But I don't because you're just a little bit too timid maybe yeah one time at the beach well here we go

yeah this is one time at the beach there's a shark in the water and a guy came up to me and my sister and we're both timid yeah and he was like there's a shark in the water but i got to go so go and yell shark and then he left and we were both freaking out we were like oh my god we got to go yell shark we're going to look like such dorks yeah and then it's like shark how like i wanted to you know right but i can thank god somebody else did it because it's not for you yeah i was like oh god yeah but that made me think like i need to get over that what if what if nobody else was there i would like to think i would have been able to like get over it and like yelled but it wouldn't have had conviction it would have been yeah shark you know yeah it's too timid yeah it would have been like shark

It would be like, shark. Yeah, you can't really whisper shark. Yeah, hey, there's a shark, by the way. Shark. Shark. Shark. Everybody. Shark.

Because then what if even the shark looks at me and it's like, oh, my God, she's so weird. Yeah, if I was the shark, I'd be like, you know what? Hey, hey, shark whisper, get in here. I want to eat you. Forget the little boy on the dingy. Like, I want to eat your throat out. Yeah, I mean, yeah, I think she'll. shark yeah that doesn't work no but I like to think I would have done it you know

sometimes I feel braver than other times sometimes when I'm drunk oh my God Harlan when I'm drunk I have an alter ego her name's Stasi whoa talk to me Stasi is a she's like it's like confident Christina well how was I would Stasi yell shark oh she'd be she just do it everybody and everybody would be like yay but you have to be actually be Stasi to do it You couldn't do it now. No, like, I have to, you know, and it changes to day to day, you know, I think with how the moon is or like, you know. Oh, you're affected by the moon?

Of course. Me too. Yeah, I know. I can tell. You can tell? Yeah. I usually bomb if I'm doing stand-up and it's a full moon. That makes sense.

It's really weird. No, that makes sense. How did you know that I was affected by the moon? No one's ever said that before. That fascinates me. Go. Oh. you just seem like you moon people how do you mean just what i said you seem like you and the moon

like this like i have a weird moon energy you have no no it's not a weird moon energy it's like a cool moon energy but like you and the moon could just every day you're checking in with the moon it's weird because i'm usually pretty level right but when there's a full moon two things happen and I can either be really cool and everything's like groovy or it's my version of PMSing. Like it's the only time you'll ever see Harland really cranky or edgy or kind of, I get a little agitated. Do you know there's a full moon like last night? Yeah, it was just like the last two nights. Yeah.

And I did have a bit of a weird energy. Yeah. It's an intense full moon too. Why? I think it was like a blood moon. I don't want to misspeak, but I think it was like a, it was a red moon. We couldn't see it. You could see it in Europe.

I saw it here. I could see it. How red it was? The sky was clear. It was sort of an orangey, yeah, blood. Really? You could see it? Yeah, yeah, I could see it.

Are you messing with me? No. Are you sure? And I get this weird energy, and I was like, like I couldn't even get it out. Do you notice when sometimes people yell shark? It's the only, there's two things where people stutter. It's when they say.

See a shark. It's like, Shish, Shish, Shish, Shish, Shish, Shish, Shish, Shr. And then, do you know what the other one is? What? You want to guess? What the other one that makes you stutter?

Yep. There's only two. Well, everything I'm thinking of is, I don't know if I should say. Go for it. Ready? Yeah. Ghost! Oh, like.

for Scooby-Doo, yeah. Yeah, like whenever, it's a shark and ghost, people suddenly have a stutter. Can you imagine if Joe Biden saw a ghost or a shark? Like, that guy's already got a stutter. He'd be nine hours. Yeah, he is. He's a ghost.

He's like, me, me. Yeah, right. M-ma-ma-ma-me-me. Wow. Have you ever seen a ghost? You look like you might have? No, I've never seen a ghost. I've always kind of wanted to.

Me too. Because I believe in ghosts. I feel like they're there. Yeah. I just haven't seen one. you've felt one though you think I don't know because I feel energy

but I think it's from living people you know or places have but that they're full of living people yeah I don't know I have to go to a cemetery and see what kind of energy I feel there have you ever been and felt an energy at the cemetery yeah I used to go for some reason me and my buddies in college used to go hang out in the cemetery

just to see if we could get scared oh okay did you a couple of times we heard like weird noises and you know but when you're in a cemetery late at night you're already hyper alert so you're you're you're like anything's gonna scare you yeah and so we'd hear like a will like leaves rustling or a squirrel in the well not squirrel squirrels don't come out at night do they I don't know like maybe black squirrels black squirrels probably come out at night I think so yeah they're in uh I think the east coast yeah Canada I grew up in

Toronto, mostly all black squirrels. Yeah, I saw one when I went to New York. How, it was night. Yeah, well, I think they're during the day, too. Yeah, during the day, you can see black squirrels at night. It's just, even their eyes are black. I didn't, I didn't even notice. I guess that makes sense.

Even the normal squirrels have black eyes. Yeah. Yeah. So black squirrels at night, they're just, they're there. You don't even know. Yeah. They make up 30% of the squirrels. population. The blackies? Yeah. And, oh, 70% of the crime. Squirrel crime?

The squirrel on squirrel crime. Yeah. Okay. Is that a statistic? Oh, yeah. Look it up. Yeah. It's so sad, isn't it? Like, if I was a black squirrel, I'd just, I'd go after a red squirrel or a, you know, why go after my own? Oh, yeah. No, it is, it is sad. Yeah. But, alas, you know. Alas. We can't figure out. It says alas anymore. Alas. Wow.

God. I didn't expect that curveball. Really? Everything else you were like... Everything else was fine, but then alas? Alas. I feel like we're in a fairy tale suddenly, yeah. I don't know.

I think because of the background it made me think of... Oh, like Shakespeare and literature. Yeah. I get it. A lass is fitting. Mm-hmm. Huh. Can I circle back to...

See, I'm fascinated that you... you picked up on the moon energy thing. Okay, yeah. Like, you sense something in me that the moon affects me. Can I go deeper into that? Talk to me. Oh, okay. Well, you seem like a really sensitive guy.

Interesting. Why? Where does that come from even? Oh, where does it come from? Well, you do a lot of bits so people can't get close to you. Really? Yeah. How do you mean?

Well, now I don't want a psychoanaly. No, this is good. No, I don't know. Bill Burr said something very similar. Oh, really? Yeah. But I'll tell you the reality is it's not to keep people away from me. It's just as I just want to be silly.

Yeah, you are pretty silly. I don't, I don't, it's not about, I'm fine with people getting in close or, but it's just, I, I, I'd rather just, you know, be silly in someone's face than tell them about something too deep. And it is a kind of intimate to be silly with someone, because then you're like, oh, I'm okay with them. Yeah. Yeah. So maybe it's the opposite. Maybe I have no idea what I'm talking about. I don't think I do.

I don't know. Sometimes I just say things and then I don't even know if I believe it fully. Yeah. And then I changed my mind later. I'm like, actually, I didn't really believe that. It's always changing. Yeah. Like the moon.

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Yeah, we're sort of matching. Yeah, you have a cat and I have a Snoopy. You have a dog, I have a cat. And I feel a bit bad. I should point this out. You know, I got my little cat here and we have the air conditioning on and I feel bad because when my nipple pops out,

it looks like the cat has an erection. And so I just want to say the cat does not have an erection. It's just, it's cold in here. Yeah, yeah, that's funny. Okay, it's a really little. It's a little erection. It's a little cat erection.

That's why it looks mortified. Yeah. That's why its eyes are like, oh no, they can see my little penis. Do cats don't have big? Penises? What's going to say weaner? Oh, weiner. No, you could say the other P word.

I was going to say weener. Okay, well, I, think, I don't know, I can't say I've ever seen a cat weiner. You haven't? I'm going to get one, two. We're going to copy you because I got nervous. Wait, you're nervous again? No, I'd be like, actually, this drink is helping me chill out a little bit.

I'm kind of in my head about the black squirrel stuff. Oh, yeah? Talk to me. Well, now I feel like that was racist. I shouldn't have said that. Well, I don't know if racism exists within the squirrel community. Oh, it exists. Well, they're animals. And I think animals just take each other as they are. It's only a stupid humans that have created this racism thing where we've decided to label and segregate and plot people against each other because we don't look or sound the same. Animals don't do that.

Yeah, but animals just, I guess we eat animals too. I was going to say animals just brutally kill and eat each other. But I guess humans kind of do that too. Yeah, but that's not racism. That's violence. Yeah, it's violence. And that's consumption. They eat each other. And sometimes humans are racist towards animals. Like, they won't eat certain animals because they think they're dirty. Like, oh, right? Like some religions won't eat. Yeah, Jewish people won't eat pork. Yeah, because they're like, ew, you know. Is that the foundation of that, though? I have no idea. I think it might be actually. I think I've asked someone about this. And I think it is primarily based on that the sour, the pig is consistent. considered like a filthy animal. It rolls in the mud.

Yeah. I think there might be some truth to that. Don't quote me on that, freaks. Yeah, there's something. I don't know either, so I don't want to miss me. Yeah. But it feels a little bit racist towards like pigs as opposed to cows. Like, oh, we were okay with cows.

We'll eat them all day. Is it racist, though, or is it just exclusionary? What is racism? Isn't that exclusionary? Racism is when you don't like something because of their race, because of the color, because of who they are, what they represent. But isn't that, like, with the pig, too? With the pig, it's more of a rejection

because of their sanitary, lack of sanitation, maybe. So they see pigs as, like, homeless people? Homeless pigs, fat people. Fat people that are homeless? Yeah, never see that. Yeah, you're right. No. Every now and then you see a fat homeless person.

Never. I've seen a few. Really? You ever seen a homeless person? person behind a dairy queen or a Denny's? No. Those dumpsters are filled with leftovers and they just balloon. Wow, that's smart of them.

Yeah, there are some fat homeless people. Okay, I've never seen one. You've got to get into some alleys. Yeah, maybe that's what I'll do tonight. Hit an alley behind an Arby's or a dairy queen. I mean, if you want to see some homeless chubbies, like get in behind a sizzler. Okay. Have you ever seen a Burger King or?

homeless fatty? No, never. Oh, I saw one with a bun on its head and a bun under its feet. And I think he was actually pretending he was a whopper. I mean, they're nutty. Oh, I want to see that now. Yeah. What have I been doing in L.A.? I don't know. What have you been doing? Not that. Now I got to hit up a few. Allie's. Yeah, hit the alleys, baby. Yeah. But no, I don't think you can be, I don't think animals can be raised, the black squirrel thing, animals don't see color. That's true. You were just commenting on their black squirrels, but there's crime within the black squirrel community. And so what? There's crime within the African elephant community. And even the African American elephant community. Where did you learn that?

I think I just learned it right now right out of my face. Me too. I learned it right out of your face and to my face. Wow. Are we FaceTiming right now? Yeah, I think so. Wow.

When we were in Austin, we did shows together for a weekend, remember? Yep. And we were in the green room, and last time I was there, what was, must have about seven months ago maybe, you were talking about your relationship had kind of gone.

southward and bound. Like it wasn't anything new come up or you still kind of... I forget what you told me it went south though. What happened? I don't know. I think you were telling me about your affair with the sun.

You were cheating on the moon that weekend. Oh, wow. Yeah, you're like, me and the moon, we're not doing good. We're not communicating. I've been more in the sun and then the moon's been hearing about it. Wow.

That astral energy. we were talking about. Yeah, and it's like maybe that's just where, you know, and then I tried to make you feel better, so I told you about my, yeah. Yeah, but it's fine. I'm good. Everything good?

You got a new stud, or you solo? What's going on? I'm solo, but, like, I prefer that. Oh, you do? Yeah, I think so, because. Why? Have you been disappointed or you just, are you going to be disappointed,

or you just don't have the time for it or you're not feeling it like what's the genesis of not wanting anyone um i think i'm a lot more productive when i'm by myself like the last relationship as soon as um i got out of it i i was so much better like everything started just going way better in my life i didn't realize how much it was holding me back being in a relationship so i think i get too lost in them i think i think it's my fault. I get too, like, I get too absorbed and then I neglect other parts of my life. So I think it's better for me to not be in a relationship so I can just focus on like, you know, because all I want to do is write and do comedy. And then, you know, when a relationship gets involved,

and especially if it's not one that's making you better, it's just taking energy away. And I was just the shell of a person by the end of that one. So what, what did he do to whittle you down to? to shell status? Well, I think I have to work on having better boundaries. I think I had no boundaries and my confidence probably isn't the best. Was he making you have bad confidence or did you go into it with bad confidence? Well, I feel like I was really happy and then I got into that relationship and then I got really, really sad over time.

But I think it just made me realize, oh, I need to work on these things that I have to work on. I think that was the point of it. It's my fault, probably. No. Yeah. It's probably just, if I had better boundaries, I would have gone out of that way sooner. When you say boundary,

like was he pushing you to do stuff you didn't want to do and you were submitting to it? Or what do you mean, boundary? Like, kind of just if I'd be like, oh, I need to be by myself at this time of day so I can write and stuff, he would not let me have that kind of thing or like, I don't know, just stuff like that where he would just always push the limit on like what, you know.

And so you'd give in to please him instead of saying, hey, no, no, no, gargoyle face. What was his name? Yeah, a gargoyle face. I'm writing right now. Mama needs four hours for herself. You go scrape some coral off a reef parrot teeth. And when I'm done writing, we'll have some more font. So you weren't able to, you weren't able to create that kind of like boundary.

Yeah, dad. I get it. And then he lied to me a lot, you know, and that made me also. But then I just kept wanting to, I don't know, I kept thinking, oh, but surely he loves me. I like to live in imaginary land sometimes with all the like elves and creatures and gargoyles. The gnomes. Yeah, I like to just, you know, and sometimes I play like, oh, but really he loves me. just misunderstood, you know, but really the truth of it is at the end you realize, no, that wasn't

it at all. They don't love you. And really, I just need to love myself. That's why I let it get to that point. So it's on me. And so now I don't trust myself to like be at a point yet where I can do that. And so I don't want to deal with it. I just want to focus on what like what I like doing, writing, comedy and not put something in the mix if I'm not. Because that can't hurt you. Yeah. And then if somebody comes along and I feel like we vibe and maybe I'm more confident and I have better boundaries and then it'll work out. But that one was never going to. What was the biggest lie he did that really cut you? Like what was the big one?

Oh, I don't know. Even all of the lies. There was really little ones and really big ones. So it was... Just became one big snowball of lies? Yeah. I don't know. He lied about little things.

and he lied about, like, talking to other girls and stuff like that. Those are the big ones, right? But then the little ones, like, oh, I, I bought a paddle off Amazon, kind of, where it's like, you didn't have to lie, but I don't know. I don't really want to, I don't want to talk about it. I put it past me, you know, it doesn't matter. It doesn't. It's just, but I think I have a hard time believing good guys now.

I've gone on dates and I question everything, so that's how I know I'm not ready. Like, I'm still like, oh, I wonder if that's a lie. Because, you know, when that happens and you live in that reality for a while? Yeah. A little bit, like, mind-fucked about it, but. It's sad when the sour people tarnish your belief in the good people that are out there. Yeah, and that was the first time that kind of, well, that's not true. The very first boyfriend I had lied to me about having a kid, but he didn't have a kid.

He made the lie up that he did have a kid. What's the upside to tell in someone you have a kid? I have no idea. Usually that's sort of a detriment. I know. That's why I was conflicted for months. I was like, should I break up with this guy? I don't want to, like, I don't want to be a mom at 18.

I don't want to meet his stupid kid. I don't want to meet this kid. Was he using the kid as a means to bullshit you about where he was? Like, it's like, oh, hey, where were you last night? Oh, Billy got a toothache. I had to take him down to the 24 hours. dentist in Chinatown? No, actually, he was telling me that the mom wouldn't let him see the kid, and it was like

a sob story, and he was like, I'm so sad, I never can see my daughter. And so then I was sad, and I was like, well, that's messed up. What the hell? I wanted to, like, help him, and I was always, I felt emotional turmoil. I'm like, this poor guy, you can't see his kid, and he obviously is really sad about it, you know, but that wasn't true. That's a weird, creepy lie. Yeah, that is a weird creepy lie.

A kid? Yeah, that one, that one was a weird one. Did he name the kid? Like, did he go that far to say, oh, uh, Cheryl? He showed me the picture of the girl with the kid. The wife with the kid. But she wasn't. It was just a girl with the kid.

And she showed, he, like, cut it out of a magazine or something? No, he just showed me online, like, um, just on Facebook. Weird. Yeah, weird. That's what, yeah, weird. And you know what it is? I'm so. gollable. I shouldn't say that because people

find that out and then they gole me you know? They what you? They gole me. I'm gollable and then they gully you? They gole me. Is that a term? No. I just made it up. I like that's a good term gully. Yeah, they gole me. And then I'll be like, what? Really? They'll say some outland and shit and why would they lie to me?

You know? But I don't know. I need to be, I need to be more like, I need to question people more, I think. Yeah. I think I'm too trusting. Well, you deserve that. You're young, too. Thank you. Yeah, so you're just sort of, you'll find someone,

life has a way of bringing things together. Oh, yeah, I'm not worried about it. I'm just really happy. Good. Yeah. You're focusing, you're working on your writing. Yeah, yeah. Oh, there you go.

Yeah, I'm in therapy too. That's helping. No way. Yeah, that's how I'm, like, finding out all these things I have to work on. What kind of therapy? Like where they talk to me. and tell me, hey, this is, you know, maybe this is why you're doing it. I think I know why.

Yeah. I know what my problems are. And I kind of even tell the therapy, I'm like, here, look, I did all the work already for you. I know what the problem is, and now what? Now what do I do? How do I get? Can I do some therapy for you? Okay.

Tell me something, and I'll give you the, I'll solve it. I'll, like, I'll, I'll, what'd you say? I won't gully it, but I'll theory it. it. You'll theroy it. Yeah. Okay. Let me think. Yeah, think of something that's bugging you or something personal or psychological and let me therry you. Okay. Man, I'm the spot. I can't think of anything. You will. You will. You tell me something. Well, I'm busy eating the happy seeds. Am I making you nervous? Is that why you keep stuffing your faces? No, this is just, they're making me happy. maybe I'll just do a few too

oh you're gonna power jack them do you think if you do more than one at a time and just like hits you harder I'm just like a power jack Is therapy expensive? Oh no it's nice mothership is paying for it No way the comedy club Yeah they're offering for the comedians

They're like what it's funny The jiu jitsu guys there They get Like they get their horned hormones checked for free and stuff, you know, the fighters. And the comedians, we get our brains checked for free because... No way. Yeah, it's really nice.

And it makes sense because... So how often do you sit with the... Like, do you go to the therapist's house? Do they come to the comedy club? It's over Zoom. It is. Mm-hmm. So how often you do therapy?

Once a week. For how long? For like an hour. Sometimes it goes over, you know? Because I have, like, extra stuff. You know? like would it be going too far to ask like did you do it this week oh yeah i've been doing it all year would it be too intrusive if i said and see if i see if i had a different take than the therapist

okay because daddy runs deep yeah i run real deep like a like a deep dish pizza oh yeah so if you're okay with it what was one of the questions or things you said to the therapist this week and let's see if I have a similar take on it or maybe I help illuminate and throw a little more onto what the therapist did. If that's okay, I don't want to be too intrusive, but if you're okay with it, I want to help. Okay, well, you know, I kind of forget.

I go week to week, day, today, you know, like, you know, last week's problems are not today's. Okay, what I'm sensing here is, forgetfulness and elusiveness. Oh, yeah. And these are not real good traits that I want to see in you. No, they're not. So what I'd like you to focus on is remembering.

Okay. And not being elusive. I'll try really hard to focus on that if I remember. And this is what I do. This is what I do. And that's for free, by the way, what I just did. Oh, you're welcome. I can't stop looking at the cat's boner.

It keeps shifting. Is it wiggling around under there? Yeah, it's kind of going and moving a little bit, back and forth. Speaking of kids, would you make a good mom or in today's world a dad? Would you make a good mom or dad? I think I'd be a better dad. Talk to me. Here we go.

Yeah, because I would just want to be doing my thing, you know, and then the mom would take care of the kid. I would like, you know what I mean? and then I'll, like, I'll drop in for birthdays and holidays, and, you know, I'll sign the card that mom writes and, you know, and, uh, yeah, I think so. I think I make a better dad. So you just want to sort of be a passive parent? Maybe a stepmom is the best, because that's basically a dad, a stepmom, you know? I don't really have to care about the kid.

Wow. Was your dad good to you? My dad was really good, yeah. Like, you know, yeah, he was, I always felt loved by my dad. Oh, I love that. My dad was a loving dad. Old school, though. So we got like, you know, we got disciplined.

That stupid bell every morning. The bell? Yeah, we were like, we were like Pavlovian dogs. Oh, I thought you meant you lived in an old school. You said old school, I'm sorry. And was your dad, was your dad? Was he a nurturing dad or was he a disciplinarian type of guy? Disciplinarian type of guy.

Italian, right? yeah so was it a little bit of hey come on yeah definitely like but he didn't have the accent he was oh my mom's the more italian one my mom really the accent yeah no but my mom you know my mom my mom was loving and caring it was a very traditional um do you speak italian i do no way could you give me some therapy in italian okay like if i told you something i'm hung up on would you be able to say something in italian about it Well, sort of give me some answers in Italian. I'd like some Italian therapy is what I'm getting at. Oh, sure. Yeah. Okay. Tell me something that's on your mind.

Lately, I've been feeling a bit left out by my friends who have been sort of having some social events. And I've noticed I haven't been getting the call. And I don't know if they're sort of rejecting me or whether it's just a fluke, but I'm feeling very insecure and vulnerable about it. And so if you're to stop to look at the moon all the sere, the your friends don't think that you're so

so should I try and be more like aggressive with them? Forse yes. I couldn't think of anything. Sorry. Well, see, I don't know that you couldn't think of anything. Because I don't know what the first part even meant.

Oh, it's okay. But I think I'm feeling a bit better. I think so. I think what was the second question again? Well, it's just that, you know, when your friends don't respond to an email or you know the group's doing a thing and suddenly they don't respond to you, I feel a bit alienated and I'm wondering if my friends are

starting to abandon me, Doc. I don't think you have you, you know, really? Yeah. I think that your friends are in the sky.

I never thought of it that way. And so I should call them up and maybe say what? for forse a a prete or someone that you can

help you? A peti pari ontaria? It's a help. And yutto now. Wow, why didn't I think of this? Thank you. Oh my God, thank you so much.

Prego. No, thank you. I use the other spaghetti sauce. Which other spaghetti sauce? You know, manchewy or whatever it's called. Men, chewy spaghetti. I don't know. There's Prego and there's, what's the other ones?

I have no idea. I don't use that. What do you'd use? My mom makes... Oh, homemade. Oh, way to rub it in. Oh, yeah. Oh, God.

Are you a good cook? No. Speaking of food stuffs, can we go there? Mm-hmm. Talk to me. Ranch. Tell me what you know about ranch. Talk to me.

It seems like you have a theme with white foods. Okay. That's a start. Yeah. White unhealthy. The fat homeless. I'm getting that vibe from the foods that you're putting on the... Right.

But what is, like, how did ranch, ranch is basically a place where cattle and horses run around? Mm-hmm. How did that become affiliated with lettuce and salad toppings? Because that's what cows eat. They eat lettuce? I think so. I'm pretty sure that's what's on the ground on ranches. Have you ever been to a ranch?

I've been to a ranch. You can ever see the tomatoes on the ground? Are you always looking at the moon? You're right. There's veggies and, and products. on the ground. Oh, yeah. That's all that ranches are.

And then they have to make a sauce so it's better for the cows to eat the salad on the ground. Ranch. Ranch. But what's the word dressing? Well, because, I don't know, this ranch dressing. Hmm.

That's true, because cows don't wear dresses. I never see anyone wearing a dress. On a ranch, actually. Unless it's a square dance on Saturday night. That's the only time. Did we just get stumped by a salad dressing? Why is it called dressing? Here we are.

I mean, we're in a flow, girl. Like, we're flowing here. Like, the back and forth here is like almost like something I've never seen. And then a salad dressing of all things screeches me and you to a halt. No way. What kind of world is this reliving in, girl? How does this even happen? And there's only a dressing, because if it's a ranch undressing,

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Oh, wow. Mayorka, that's new. Oh, nice. But Vienna is a classic Mozart, palaces and schnitzel. Mm-mm, now you're cooking. If you're hungry, Delhi brings the heat.

Heat. Cartagena's got sun and the sea to cool off. So does Martinique. Mmm, and that French cuisine? Book it. Yes, chef. Wait, what about Lyon?

Choose from our world of destinations, if you can. Air Canada. Nice travels. It's just dressing is the only thing that it could be. You can't un-ranch a salad. See? You can't, no matter how much you scrape it off of the salad, there's still going to be a little bit.

Look how we were, we were in. such a flow. And now we're stumbling and fumbling. We're trying to somehow trying to compensate for ranch dressing and it throws up a block between me and you. What's going on? I don't know. It's weird.

It's awkward, weird. I might have to just, I don't know. Hang on. Hold on, player. Demon get out, ranch. Is there such thing as a ranch demon dressing? I'm sure. It'd be spicy ranch.

Is that contradictory? How about this? Poor. Ranch whore dressing. Yeah, that's an undressing. It's like a ranch only fans. Yeah. It's just when you peel off the sticker. God.

Should we take it off the table? Get it out of my table. face I don't want it between us anymore yeah we were like in a zone and this this comes along I like ranch not just on salad I like to dip carrots in it I was just about to get rid of it no I know I'm just like I know the little guy okay well see is a boy or a girl well you said that wears a dress that's a girl would know maybe it's trans fat dressing Trans ranch fat

Homeless fat Trans fat Transfat dressing Wow Buttermilk What is your favorite salad dressing? Let's move on to a cheeryer topic

This was tough I've done a lot of pocket This is probably one of the toughest podcast moments I've had to deal with. I'm sorry. No, that's okay. What's your favorite salad dressing? I think I like oil, vinegar, salt, pepper.

Oh, wow. Yeah, I like it simple. That's a lot, though. It's not simple. That's four ingredients. Yeah, I think it's just Italian dressing, right? It's all of that together. Yeah.

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I don't know I've never seen a thousand islands Like where yeah where does that come from? Are there even a thousand islands in the world? Yeah For sure There's a place up in Canada called Thousand Islands believe it or not

Really? Yeah And then if you look at the Minnesota license plate It says Minnesota land of 10,000 lakes or something like that. I believe there's 10,000 lakes, but islands is what we're talking about. Oh, yeah. Sure, there's 10,000 lakes, Harland. Yeah, easily. Easily. Easily. Do you see how much ground there is? Yeah. All of that ground isn't an island. Yeah. Or is it? Most of it is. Yeah, because most of the planet's water. So I guess it is kind of all, but it's just a few big ones. Yeah. And then a few more

little ones, but there's the big ones and then the little ones. Yeah, you would never say Canada or the United States or Russia is an island. Technically it is. Technically it is because what, isn't it 70% of the planet's water? Yeah, I think so. It's a lot. There's a lot of water. I wonder if there's a lot of islands underwater. Oh, an underwater island. Maybe that's what they're counting too. All the underwater island. But can you geographically, can that be real? Can that exist? You need water to define an

island, so if it's underwater... It's not an island anymore. Yeah, what is it? Well, actually, if there's a house underwater, it's still a house. It's just underwater. What if my legs are underwater? You still have legs? Their legs? Unless there's a shark.

A what? Shark. That's right. Let's switch gears, because you talked about your confidence, but you have a look. You have a great look. You got sort of this, dare I say, a bit of a film noir look. You know, you've got kind of that, a little bit of a throwback to like the 40s, 50s kind of mysterious. I could see you in like a spy movie.

Wow. Like, you know, the girl at the train station and the fog clears and she walks out of the mist and she's got the hat and the long coat. Oh, that would be mean? The mysterious? Yeah, like the mysterious, like spy. I don't, really? Like, you're messing with me.

No, no, no. That's like, you have that sort of vibe. I got goalie. I got gollied. 100%. No, no, this isn't gully. This is like a vibe. I have the mysterious vibe.

Not the like. I think sort of a bit of the film noir, like I even like I pulled some, I feel like you're the type of girl that would have, and also based on your act, The way you're material, the way you talk, your cadence. I feel like you're a girl that can easily have one of those, like your own famous sort of line.

Oh. You know, like a movie line? Like, you know, Jessica Rabbit from Who Framed Roger Rabbit? She goes, I'm not bad. I was just drawn that way. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or I got some examples like Faye Ray or May West,

May West, she was like, when I'm good, I'm very good. But when I'm bad, I'm better. I'll try anything once, twice if I like it, three times to make sure. Oh, okay. I'm single because I was born that way. Good girls go to heaven. Bad girls go everywhere. You know what I mean?

I feel, do you have a line that you do, like your own line or something that I feel like you need it or you have it or you're holding it back from me? Man, I never. Can we make one up? Can you make one up for yourself? Like, I just feel like you should have one. Hmm, I don't know. I'm not.

You got kind of that. They're just like a, well, now I want to have one. Now I feel like, this helped my confidence. Yeah. Thank you. Right? Yeah. I'm not confident.

I was raised right. Say that again? No. I don't think that wasn't very good. I regret it. Yeah, that's the non-confidence. I don't, you don't need to be confidence with, I said it wrong. I said confidence.

Fuck. Yeah. Darn it. That's a good one right there. Fuck, darn it. No, you just went, fuck. No, no, that's not a good one. It needs to be like, something where, but I think even if I were to deliver a really smooth line, you know,

I'd fall after, as soon as it, or I'd stumble or something, that would make it like, you know, Rism, or tism, you decide. Wow. Yeah. You get to decide. I love it. I'm going to be honest. I don't know what Rism or tism means. It's okay. you don't need to i like it it's feeling it's starting to feel right Rism autism you decide Rismoritism what do you think big boy

see I love it I love it I just don't know what Rismertism or tism means but maybe that's the beauty of it they're interchangeable I think to me are they even real words a little bit I think so I think um I make the Rizematismatism The tismarism. So, just so I'm clear, rhythm, tism, you decide, big boy.

You decide. I thought you said big boy. Yeah, but I feel weird now. So now you're taking it back. Because what if it's a little boy, you know? Don't want to exclude the short boys. I know, but Big Boy had sort of that film noir twist we were talking about.

Yeah, but that's also like, I feel like, people have said Big Boy too much. I would have to make my own, like, version of... Can we find that right now? Because I got to be honest, I'm a bit married to Big Boy. I like it. But if you can give me a replacement, I'm going to sign off. Okay, okay.

Rism, autism, you decide. Big Whopper. No, that sounds gross. I was trying to do it. It sounds like a commercial now. Like a fast food commercial, yeah. Rism, tism, you decide. Giant man, no.

You decide. Can I offer something that might be sexy and might find a solution to an issue we've discussed? Gondola man? No, I'm going to offer this and you can take it or leave it. Okay. Ready? And it started off as problematic.

but I think could work now as sexy. Ready? Rism. Tism. You decide. Shark. Huh? I like that.

Right? Shark. The little sexy whisper at the end? Can we hear the whole thing now? I think we found it. Rism or tism. You decide. Shark.

Oh, we got it. Yeah. I think we got it. And look at your confidence. You're beaming. You're glowing, baby. Yeah. I didn't know that this is what I needed.

Fuck therapy. See, I wanted to help. Now you helped. Rism. Tizum. You decide. Sharp. That's what I'm going to start my set tonight.

Maybe. It's get confused everyone. But I don't care because I'm confident. It's got heat. It's got some hot heat. Hot heat Wow Does that make it cold

Say that again Would a hot heat Be cold? Hot heat make it cold Like a negative negative Is it positive? Right If you break down the physics

Of hot heat Because hot and heat Are both positives And that's a positive still So I should have said Hot heat sizzle No No

Because all I said was hot heat Hot heat Hot heat Hot heat Hot heat Hot heat Who ha ha that's my new one okay no i like the other one the other one's way better yeah don't ruin it no no i'll keep

the shark one um if i asked for a wacky request and you can say no you could tell me to f off if you want okay would you just for a second maybe if i did a 10 second count would you put your glasses on down? I'd love to see it, and I think they would. And I think we've all been sitting here going, God, what does she look like with those glasses on upside down? You know, I get this a lot. I know, but I'd love to just finally, you know, sign off on it here on the podcast, so for once and for all people can really see it. I think this is going to make it hard. Should I take this off to do it? Yeah. Whatever makes the process easy. This is wonderful.

I'm self-conscious now. Okay. It's okay. Take it slow. Wow. And then do your line. Rism? Autism.

You decide. Big boy. No, that wasn't it. Shark. One more time. Okay. Rism, autism. Shark.

No, you forgot. You decide. Okay. This is weird. It's hard. I know, it's throwing you. This is why they wanted to see this. Okay.

Rism, autism. You decide. Shark. Flip them over. Wow, ladies and gentlemen. Wow. Thank you. What a South Carolina

Cheeseburger Storm. Whatever that means. That was great. How did that feel? It felt wacky. I think what we're doing is we're breaking down this timidness and we're smashing all your reservations

and you're just, you're really like, Awesomeing today. Thank you. Thank you for all the work you do. Thank you. Not just to me, you know, just to the world in general. Yeah.

You know, I hear about your work with the people on the highway and behind the McDonald's. Yeah. They talk fondly of you. Yeah, they do. They say he's the guy that keeps throwing ranch at us. Like, eat it. Eat some vegetables.

You're just trying to make the obesity thing go down in America One homeless person at a time Sure I am, yeah I know, I've done my research too You're not the only one that's done their research For realsies Yeah, I have a few tricks up my sleeve, I think Yeah, I agree

I was hoping that that will go somewhere But instead I just said a bunch of weird stuff And now I'm in my head Yeah, and I'm right there with you, Guy. Can you try my glasses on? Yeah, I'd love to. Okay. Right side up or upside down?

Both. Okay, please. They're kind of dirty. Whoa, they look good on you. They do? I can't see. I think so. I can't see either.

Now they mention it. Yeah, they're pretty foggy. Which direction are you? North. So you're over here? Mm-hmm. Okay. Just follow the bright light.

Okay. Now I'm on... Remember you said you were all foggy? Now I'm all foggy. Yeah, I told you they're dirty. That's all it was. Yeah, it was just the glasses. Let me try them upside down and see what happens.

Say something? Something. Now you're over here. Huh. I like them upside down. Isn't it true? It looks like your eyes are upside down. Rism.

Tism. What's your name? Shark. I forgot. It's your line, not mine. Wow, what a treat. Thank you. Yeah, no problem.

I'd never let anybody wear my glasses. right but when someone steps into your life helps you with your confidence helps you take a step forward with who you are as a person i think i sort of earned the glasses thing oh yeah yeah unbelievable well christina let's get down to our final wonderful segment here we do this with every guess it's called words from a wooden shoe it's an actual wooden clog, inside are random words, you reach and you pull one out, and see if it leads to a story from your journey in life. Okay.

Could be something to happen to you, to a friend, to a family member, or anything. See if it triggers the story. Singing. Here we go. Oh, well, I'm a really bad singer. Oh, it's game day. It's game day. Everyone loves the game day.

How do you make it more fun? How do you make it more relaxing? How about throwing Wayfair into the game? Maybe you want a recliner. Maybe you want a grill. I mean, what doesn't Wayfair offer to make your game day experience more fun? Wayfair got game and you got to get in the Wayfair game to enjoy the Wayfair game. Here we go.

You know, I've got one of these grills, and nothing's more fun than sitting down and chomping on a tasty steak or your favorite grill while you're watching your favorite team. There's something of Wayfair for every style and every home, no matter your space or, more importantly, your budget. Wayfair is your trusted destination for all things game day, from coolers and grills to recliners and slow cookers. Shop, save, and score today at Wayfair.com. That's W-A-Y-F-A-I-R-com. Wayfair. Every style, every home. Wayfair, way cool. Way to go. Team. I'm a good accordion player I used to play the accordion for my dad when I was younger and I would sing the lyrics because I thought it was fun

and he would tell me to stop. Stop singing. Yeah, he was like, just focus on what you're good at. Singing the lyrics to what? It was like that's a more. Italian? Yeah. When the moon hits you.

But I can't. You just started. Yeah, but so you knew which one I was talking about. Even though you probably knew, that's the more. Would you want to do a duet? I only rap now. Please. Life's hardened to me.

Now I'm a rapper. Let's hear it. Just whatever? Yeah, wrap away. Can I do YG? Yeah. Okay. I'm good, I put it on the hood, I'm good, I'm good, I put it on the hood.

I'm so straight, cop's so crooked, clip full of soldiers like no limit, why'd you what you doing, bitch, give me four minutes, all in a girl like four dinners. Round, round, solo got the money and a choke hole head tattooed like a fucking, never hit the next man, that's a no-no. Got your girl bouncing on my dick like a lolo. Must her full of B, muster get a fucking check. I got bitch, take bitch. want to bet ice in my neck got ice in my ears

hit the club look in me hello weird it's YG 400 bitch get it right you at the club every week and bitch get a life ever since you fuck with me she never been the same well god damn just blame it on my ding-a-lang that was part of it not of the whole thing I'd love to hear the whole thing

no that's a paid subscription only I have a rap sound cloud see money Wow. Thank you. Hey, everybody.

Check out my merchandise at Harbling.com. Yeah, most people just slap some letters or images on a t-shirt or a hoodie. But not me. Yours truly. Guess what? I draw my own designs at Harbleng.com. You can see tons of my hand-drawn t-shirts. You can either buy the original or you can buy a print.

And man, oh man, wear them loud and proud. I love making these designs for you guys and keeping it personal. So check out the whole catalog. We got hoodies. We got coffee mugs. We got t-shirts. You name it. It's there at harbling.com.

Get your Harland original design, wearable art at Harbling.com today. And thank you for your support. and I'll just keep the groovy images coming. Hey, gang, are you craving more Harland Williams? We'll join our Patreon page at patreon.com backslash Harland Williams. You'll get bonus episodes of the Harland Highway podcast, our special call-in show, and you can check in with our two goofy dolls,

the tender frienders, two guys in their underpants, for a small monthly fee, you get Extra Harland. Thank you. Unbelievable. Yeah, thanks. I thought it was pretty good. I learned that whole rap in high school to seem cool. Wow.

And when I paused, it wasn't because I was, you know, I couldn't say the word that was where I paused where I like that. Oh, was it a vulgar word? It was a word that I'm not allowed to say. Oh. Due to the nature of being me. Oh, it was a word referencing your female anatomy. No, no, no.

It was the word referencing squirrels. Oh, black squirrels? I can't say it. Yeah. Yeah. Because they'll go nuts. They will go nuts. And I'm not barking up that tree.

Yeah, yeah. Wow, wow. Well, I'd like to sing back to you. Okay. When the moon hits the sky, that's a warm pizza pie. That's a more... Well, maybe not. Ray me, Faso, La Tito.

Do, a deer, a female deer. Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum. Ray, a name I call myself. Oh, a pocket full of ray Sunshine, you're my sunshine, my only sunshine You make me happy when skies are gray You'll never know dear much I love you So please don't take my sunshine away

Ladies and gentlemen, the Holland Highway podcast, Christina, what a pledge. Yeah. I think we got through to a lot of good stuff that needed to be gotten through to. Yeah. A little therapy from you, my Italian therapist, therapy for me I think we uncovered a lot I hope so

and it's so good to see you again and you're going to be touring all over the country can you tell the folks where they can see you and find you on social media yeah my Instagram is creamery sounds gross but it isn't

it's just my first name and last name C-R-I-M-A-R-I-I- Yeah and then my website is christina mariani.com it has all my tour dates you're touring all over the country yeah i'm going to new orleans next oh wow yeah i'm excited cradad country yeah yeah oh it's pretty i like oh Orleans it's like france but like ghetto france i guess france is kind of paris is ghetto well a little bit there's every there's a sure it's a little sketchy i don't want to throw ghetto into the promotion of your next tour, but

you know, everyone does things different. No, no, no, because can we cut that out? Just say going to nice New Orleans. Yeah, it's a nice. Yeah. Yeah. I was, I got... Fun. Beautiful place. Fancy.

Yeah. Yeah, fancy. Well, folks, go and see Christina. She's blowing up all over the place. She's in Austin, always a regular at the mothership. touring all over the country, go to her website, go out to her shows, have a laugh with this lovely lady. What a pleasure.

Thank you for being here. Thank you for having me. Oh, what a treat. Folks, that's it for today on the Holland Highway podcast. And until next time, chicken chau-main, baby. One last marshmallow toss? Okay. On two, three, one.

See you next time. Shark. Sharp.