The Harland Highway - CRISTINA MARIANI speaks Italian & gives the strangest anatomy lesson ever!

Episode Date: July 28, 2026

WINGMAN is out now on Gumroad, Apple TV and Amazon Prime! GUMROAD- https://thewingman.gumroad.com/l/WINGMAN APPLE TV- https://tv.apple.com/us/movie/wingman/umc.cmc.nfzru25awp5jnendhudhjw9t This episode is sponsored by Square, and MUD/WTR! -Get up to $200 off Square hardware when you sign up at square.com/go/harland #squarepod -Start your new morning ritual & get up to 43% off your @MUDWTR with code HARLAND at mudwtr.com/HARLAND #mudwtrpo Thanks for watching the Harland Highway. More Harland Williams: Harland Highway Podcast Video: https://www.youtube.com/c/HarlandHighwayPodcast Harland Highway Podcast Audio: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-harland-highway/id321980603 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/harlandwilliams Harbling Shirts: https://www.harbling.com Official Website: https://www.harlandwilliams.com Twitter :https://twitter.com/harlandhighway?lang=en #podcast #harlandwilliams More CRISTINA MARIANI: INSTAGRAM:https://www.instagram.com/criimarii/?hl=en TOUR TICKETS: https://linktr.ee/cristinamarianieuropetour TIKTOK: https://www.tiktok.com/@criimarii?lang=en Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Yeah, this looks like a pink elephant from behind. Look at that. And from the front too. Yeah, that looks like a, yeah, you're right. It looks like a uterent. Yeah, it's a trunk of a, yeah. An elituss. Yeah. Horton hears a uterus.

Yeah, dumb hoe. Dumbho, yeah. Dumbho. Dumbho, the elephant. You like that one for you. That's pretty good. Thank you. Couldn't dumbho fly?

Couldn't he flap his uterus and fly? Yeah, you good. That's what I eat, yeah. Imagine looking up and seeing a flying uterus elephant. Yeah. Obviously, I think that's the future. I think that could be the rebrand for Disney's Dumbo. They do Dumho, the Flying Uterus.

Yeah, and it's really empowering. Yeah, and it's about a uterus that lost its mother, and it's doing tricks in a circus, and it's lonely, and it learns how to flap its fallopian tubes and fly, and we call it, what is it? Dumbho. Dumbho the elephant. The humho, the elephant.

People say no funny business. Because we're all about the funny business. That's the business we're in. You might be, not me. No, serious business. Just, I don't want anything to do with any of it. Like I... No business.

Yeah, I, look, I just... I just want to, you know, get a paycheck. And whether I get it working a Taco Bell or doing this shenanigans, the ha-ha-ha-ha-poh-pop. Like, who cares about funny? Yeah. I just want to, like, I want to be able to buy my fluffer nutters. I want to be able to buy a box of Twinkies.

Fluffer Nutter? Yeah, I want a Dutch pillow on my bed. What's that? It's like a, it's like a pillow full of, you've ever heard of down? Farts. Like what? A pillow full of farts, like a Dutch oven? A fart pillow.

It's a fart pillow from different farts, imported from where? Farts from Dutch Germany. That's a million dollar idea right there, a fart pillow. I bet you that's something that people are into. Like creepy guys. They probably want girls farting in pillows and sending it to them.

But what if it's not even creepy? What if it's just like a gaseous experience? Like it's a sort of a... Oh, I forgot my headphones. Like a floating pillow, you know? And those are optional, by the way. It's up to you if you want them or not. It feels kind of weird.

Like I can hear myself. Right. Yeah. But what you're going to hear soon is the theme music. Oh, okay. Which is like, even though it's only 30 seconds, it makes it completely worth it. Okay. But a fart pillow, like, forget about the creepy guys.

Because are there guys that like a fart? Well, I don't know. I would assume there are. I don't think they're advertising it, though. I don't think it's mainstream yet. Like feet. I think feet's mainstream now. Who wants a foot?

I mean, I don't know. Are you turned on by feet? No, I don't, no, not feet. Hands. I think hands are nice. But hands are common. But feet, whoever's, if you're watching and you're into feet, go get a raccoon.

Go get a lemur, like feet. Leemers have, don't they have hands for feet? They got feet hands. Yeah, the hands, double. Four hands. Yeah, four hands. They've got a great forehand. And go, go get like a sloth or something.

And they're like, who feet? Feet. Feet. Who gets off on feet? Centipedes. Yeah. They have a lot of feet. I wonder if a centipede and a millipede met,

if that would just be like ecstasy. Yeah. Because don't they both have 100 legs? That's 200 legs. I feel like if they got an argument, it wouldn't be like a safe space, you know, because one of them would always have a foot out the door. Wow.

Or a leg up. Like, yeah, you don't want to get between a centipede and a millipede. fight. You're going to get the shit kicked out of you. Yeah. That's 200 legs. Yeah, you don't want, an ant doesn't want any part of it.

No. No. Not even a spider. Now. Spider is a big fish in a small pond if there's ants around. But as soon as the centipede walks in, the spider better get the fuck out of there. You know what I've noticed?

I just realized this. Huh. Because do you ever hang out in the garden? Do you ever do any gardening? No. I garden. And I just noticed I've never seen. like a centipede or a millipede doing like the rockettes from Radio City Music Hall?

You know where the like 80 girls come out and they all kick their legs in unison? Why wouldn't a centipede or a millipede do that like automatically? Maybe they're just trying to like get their paycheck. They're not into funny business. Or maybe they don't make black nylons for legs only this long. Yeah, maybe which bug would be the one that made the spiders? The spiders would be the ones that make. the outfits. Right, or the silkworms. Oh, there we go. The silkworms or the spiders.

Depends on your budget. Or your bug debt. Because budget has a silent, isn't budget B-U-D-G-E-T? So if you just flip the D and the G, you get bug debt. Instead of budget, I feel like it's more appropriate. Yeah. Like I think somehow at times you have to rearrange the alphabet and words to make it work. Yeah. A bug doesn't have a budget. A bug has a bug debt. Yeah. Now he's in debt.

Now the spider's coming after him with a little baseball bat. Uh, Dalo. Yeah. Hey, you didn't pay. You didn't pay for all the shoes. Yeah. Centipede. This is a bat.

What is it? It's a bat in my hand. Where's my money? You know? This is the spider. What's that bat made out of like a spider? A spider. Oh, it's a light one.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's for insects, it's not, you know. Insects? Insects. Do insects have sex? And if so, let's make up another word. Is it now insects? That sounds like it's in...

Hello? What are we doing? Making up all these bug words. We got Budgett and insects. Well, we could keep doing. It's not bugging me. Whoa. Whoa, player.

Pick up the phone and dial it down. Now, Nacho. Okay. Wow. Well, good to see you. It's nice to see you, too. Let's hit the theme music. What a treat.

We've got all kinds of fun things here today. Folks, Christina Marinari's here. Am I saying it right, Marineri? No, but it's... Manari. Marinari. Marrari. Marrari.

Marrera. As long as I do the inflection. Christina Malah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you just go, mar-bram-r-r-r. Yeah. Hey, it's a Christina. No, how do I say it? Because I always get it wrong in the Italian, like.

Oh, sorry, I thought you were kidding. I was doing a little bit of a bit, but I don't want to be insulting to my beautiful guest here on the Hoh. Howa. Uh-huh. Mariani. Mariani. Mm-hmm. You say it a bit flat, though.

I feel like I put a lot. bit more Italian meat sauce on it because I was like Christina Malalalal. Yeah, you're right. Can you do it with a little more gusto? Mariani. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, that's hot. That's sizzling hot. That's almost walks. Has your last name always been highway? The highway, yeah. Harlan Highway. Harlan Highway Williams. Harlan Highway Podcast. Williams.

Yeah. I'm going to lower this just a bit. Okay. Yeah, we don't want to lose your... Look at this. There. Because you're such a beauty. Everyone always comments on your beauty.

Does that bother you? Why would it? People comment on your beauty. I know. I embrace it. Yeah? Like, I'd suck it in like if SpongeBob had a lamprey face. I'd just suck it in.

A lamprey face? Have you ever seen a lamp ray? No. You don't know what a lamprey is? A lamp ray. This might not be the podcast for you. What's a lamp ray? I feel dumb.

For reals? Oh, man. It's a eel-like creature. It's a fresh water. You're probably not even going to believe me. But it's true. I believe you. Christina Mar-a-na-na-lisle-listen to me.

Okay, listen. It's an eel-like creature, fresh water, has a round face, like a flat, round face and in the round circle are layers of teeth that go around in a circle. Wait, that's like the bullworm in the SpongeBob episode. Is that what you're talking about? It's called a lamprey. And what they do is they swim and they affix themselves to a side of a fish and they eat through their skin and eat their innards. And when they're full, they swim away leaving the fish with a big gaping wound on their side. That sounds like a toxic relationship. Yeah, definitely. And why is the fish letting

it do that. Well, what it does is when the fish is sort of in a slower dormant phase, these things, like, la-da-da-da-da-da-da, and then they just suck onto them. Oh, man. Like a parasitic boyfriend. You ever have a lamprey boyfriend that just sucked the life out of you slowly? Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Dawn? Huh? Who was it? Yeah, it was a dawn. Don. You really had a guy that just, you felt like a lamprey? Oh, yeah, for sure. I think, haven't you had a guy like that? Don, let's see. Do you have a Don too? Dawn.

Perhaps a nod. That's Don backwards. Oh, yeah. A nod is like a good guy. Don, yeah. Don is a bad guy. Don's a bad, dude. Nod's a good guy.

Nod's a good guy. It's like, yep. So, nod. And you don't even have to say his name. You can just go. Yeah. He's like, hey. He knows.

Yeah. He knows because he's not a parasitic boyfriend. Yeah. He'll be like, she's in a good mood today. When a boyfriend. is parasitic. How does he feed off of one? Like let's say you're the fish and he's the one that kind of swam up to you sucked onto you. At what capacity is he siphoning your lifeblood, your everything you have, your entity? At what capacity is he doing that? It depends on how hungry he is, how empty

inside, you know? So in your experience, What has the guy siphoned? Like, it could be financial, it could be emotional, it could be psychology. Like, what do you think the lamprey sucked out of you? Well, in my experience, I feel like lampraise, it's not really about you. They think it is, but then when they leave you suck dry, they're still empty. So it's almost like a tapeworm more than a lampworm. That's more what it feels like.

Wow, good. That's a good thing. thought. Yeah, it's a tapeworm for sure. Huh. Mm-hmm. But a tapeworm's different because a tapeworm gets inside of you and lives there, whereas a lamp ray attaches

to you, sucks the life out of you or tries to and leaves a wound, but you swim away and heal. Oh, okay. A tapeworm can live inside of you for perpetuity if you don't catch it. Wait, so what you're saying is the lampworm... Lampre.

The lamp ray. Sorry, I got my wires crossed. You got your lamps. Yeah. You got your dimmer switch. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But so you're saying they know when the fish is about to die, so they detach, and then they go and they move on. I don't know if they know the fish. I don't think because the fish they attach to are usually pretty big.

So I think what they do is they consume as much as they can, and then they're full, and then they detach and swim away. Oh, so they don't care if the fish. is going to die or not. Did they kill the fish sometimes? Sometimes I think that they do, because sometimes one or two or three lamp rays can attach at a time. Oh, no, not a gang lamp fish.

A gang lamp. A gang lamp ray, a gang ray. Ray Leota, yeah. Oh, that's a bad. Yeah. A nice spot we can go suck the energy out of, and then they all go to the fish. Yeah.

And then when you swim away, you still got that wound, and it's got a heel. Well, what kind of fish do they do this to? Low-value fish? No, they're doing it to like lake trout and white fish and not just about any fish that they can get their sucky face on. No, because they're freshwater. Lampraiser are fresh water.

But there's freshwater sharks. It's rare. They'll go up into fresh water, but they don't really, that's not their wheelhouse. They're sort of like visitors. They come in and out. Okay. But sharks also have interesting skin.

They look soft, but their skin is a little bit sort of like sandpaperish. Oh, yeah. And I have never thought a shark was soft. Yeah. I've never looked at a shark and been like, I like to cuddle with that. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. But then again, I'm not a lampfish.

Maybe I would if I was a land. Lamprey. I'm sorry. I keep saying it wrong. I'm not upset. I'm just worried about you if you ever go in a lake and you're just in for a dip or you're attached to humans. Oh, yeah?

Oh, no. They just want. soft, juicy meat. Does mosquitoes like you? Yeah. Really? Oh, yeah. They love me.

Mosquitoes don't like me, and it's hard to not take it personal. Why? What's going on? I guess my blood isn't, like, sweet. Well, what I do is everyone's on Ozempic. Everyone's doing this weight loss thing. What I do is at night,

I'll spray myself with Pam, but the butter stuff? Oh, yeah? And I'll lay out nude and let the mosquitoes just suck three or four pints out of me every second night. And look at me. Yeah, that's so smart.

I look so good. I'm so thin and trim and it's organic. I'm not doing a manufactured pill. I'm not eating OZempe, something that was synthetically produced in a pharmaceutical lab. No, I'm spraying synthetic pharmaceutical oil on my body and I'm laying out for nature to come and suck my corpse.

So you're based, the PAM is like a beacon of light for the, it's like a... It's butter, it's the butter kind. That's what gets to the mosquitoes. Mosquitoes love anything. Everything, everyone loves anything buttered. You put butter on anything and something's going to eat it. That's true.

My grandmother's funeral, I'm not kidding. No one was looking, I buttered her, and the cryptkeeper, the Morg guy, he ate her. We came back from lunch and it was just a skeleton in her coffin. Oh, man. Was your grandma fat? No, she was delicious. Yeah, so fat. Yeah.

I would imagine. Yeah. Did you try a piece? I had a scapula. A scapula? But I'm family. It's one thing if family eats your corpse. It's another thing if someone who works at the funeral parlor nibbles.

Well, did he ask for permission? No. No, he just took it. Entitled? Yeah. Like a ray fish? A lamp ray. Wow.

Oh, you know what? I want to show you because I have a feeling. A, you don't believe me. And B, they're like, we got to show the audience. They're really dramatic looking. Do you mind? No, no. It's going to be really worth it.

Look at this. Oh, that's so scary. Yeah. But the two front teeth look a little silly, too. It's like their teeth go around in a circle. And they suck on you. So we're talking about a lot of sucking this show. Well, just like getting life.

energy. Yeah. Like, this show, I have to conclude early, and please don't take that the wrong way, this episode sucks.

Well, I'm taking it all in. Yeah. But it really sucks. I mean, if all you're talking about is sucking, then that's all it is.

The show sucks. Well, we can talk about the opposite. We can talk about, like, spitting. Or that sounds gross. Yeah. Why don't we talk about,

I want to drip back to your beauty, because every girl has a beauty secret. I'm not going to embarrass you, but every girl, I'll share my beauty secret too, but every girl, whether it's an eyeliner or a lip blush or a foundation, would you have one beauty secret you could share with our audience?

I think I lay down and rest, and you close your eyes, you know, and you think about, your energy coming back into you and you just lay there and you think about all the things you're supposed to do during the day. Right. And you don't do them.

You just lay there like this. And inside you're screaming. You're like, but you're harnessing those screams for vitality. But the whole time you're like on the inside though. And you keep it in. You keep it all in.

And that's what, much like the, the bull worm, you get vitality through screams and energy. But you keep it to yourself. You don't let it out. You keep it in. You keep it in. So you're laying down.

You're corraling, harnessing all your emotions. You're controlling them. You're letting them scream but inside you. Yeah, it's very important you don't cry because the tears let out all the things that give you energy. Yeah. Yeah. yeah, you don't want them to escape through the tear ducks. Right.

Ducks, that's another animal. Ducks is a bird, yeah. Tier ducks. They have corks, screw penises. But that's another story for another time. Wait, wait, no, we're not going past the corkscrew penis, not on this podcast. Oh, yeah, Harlan. Talk to me.

Yeah, ducks have twisty penises and girl ducks have twisty vaginas. So when they're screwing, they're actually screwing. They're screwing, yeah. Wow. Holy black and deck are sex They're really screwed Wait, what do you mean? Like, you know those Fritos?

You know you can buy the Fritos? You can get the regular ones that look like a corn chip And then they have the twirly spiraling Yeah The duck's weaner looks like that Yeah, you can look it up I'm never going to eat those corn chips again No, it's okay

They're not made with actual duck penises How do you know? Because I looked it up Have you been to the Frito Lay? And it's Frito Lay which is also a slang word for sexual intercourse. So maybe you haven't looked into this deep enough wild fingers. And toe.

What? Free toe. Free toe. And people want to free to toes all the time now because that's, as we said. People want the feet. I don't get it. What's your fetish? Do you have a fetish?

I don't think so. I don't think I have anything that's, I mean, besides the normal ones? Like what? I don't know, like, nice, nice, I don't know, I couldn't think of it. Nice what? Just nice words. Oh, like a nice person.

Like, just like somebody being, you know, nice to you. And, um, no, I have to think about it. I have to think about, what, do you have any? Yes, you do now. Did you, looking at the duck penis? Yeah, see, told you. What the look at this folks That's either a duck penis or a sperm got loose

That's wild That is a corkscrew I told you I wouldn't lie about that Well this brings a whole new meaning to What would you like to drink with your duck if you're at the restaurant Like you could say you know usually would you like a glass or a bottle? Excuse me waiter I'm having duck penis Obviously bring me a bottle

Corked And then you get the duck and you put it on the bottle and make the duck spin do some donuts. Yeah, that has to be a really turned on duck. Right. You have to turn the duck on. That's a whole thing. Yeah, that's a whole job. It is because ducks, you know, it's hard to turn a duck on.

Yeah. You know, they like what they like and they're picking. Yeah. You think you could do it? How do you turn a duck on? It's hard to make it so then it's like a corkscrew to where you can open a bottle. They have to be really, you can kind of turn it on, but you want it to be like really turned on.

I think what I would do, if I'm at a restaurant, you know how I always put a glass of water out? I think I'd put my fingers in the water and do like duck feet noises so that the duck thinks, oh, there's a female coming. Right? The corkscrew comes out. You get the duck to sit on the corkscrew,

to mount it, if you will. hold up a crust of bread and tease it so it starts going around in circles. It's slowly winding down into your fine kiante. And then when finally he finishes his insertion, you throw said crust in the air. The duck starts to fly, pulls the cork out, and off he goes, you pour your wine. Thanks, Doc.

Yeah. And he's gone because he don't give a duck. Does he finish in the wine? Oh, you, oh, okay. I didn't realize he was having intercourse. I just thought he was inserting. Right. You thought it was a Mormon duck?

I don't know. Are there Mormon ducks? Maybe it's a more duck duck, duck. That's what I say. More duck, duck, duck. A more duck duck, duck. I ordered that once. Oh, yeah, more duck duck.

But here's the thing, if you had to twirl around to have sex, I mean, imagine what it looks like when you're done. Like, how many walls are you walking into? Oh, yeah. I'd be like getting off the swirling teacups at Disneyland if you stayed on them like for seven or eight times. Wait, so you think the guy's the one spinning around, not the girl? Oh, I didn't think of that.

Yeah, it's like, which I guess it depends if it's a gentleman duck, a gentle duck. Right. So he's got the duck, the female, and he's got his wings out and he's like, Yeah, yeah. Like a pottery wheel. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or maybe it's like a real, like, high value girl duck. And then she stays there and he has to do all the work.

He does the twirling. He does the twirling. Like a dirty pinwheel on a Saturday night. Because it's a beta duck, you know, and then there are beta and alpha ducks. There is? I would assume so. There's beta and alpha lobsters. No way.

Yeah. I read it in Jordan Peterson's book, the one, the lobsters stuff. the lobsters that have good posture are the alpha ones, and the beta ones have bad posture. And that's why you should stay up straight because... Wait a minute. Yeah, we're basically lobsters, I guess. I didn't know that.

We've got one of the top psychologists in the world on the planet. Mm-hmm. And you get into this guy's best-selling book, and he's talking about seafood? It's lobsters and good posture. You have good posture? I mean, what the hell's he? writing about how does lobster relate to the human condition? All right, all you coffee drinkers,

let's talk about mud W-T-R. Mud W-T-R. Are you one of those wildcats that loves your coffee, the taste, the smell, the whole ritual of your coffee, but that caffeine sends you into a spiral, an anxiety spiral. Well, that's why you should maybe give a shock. to Mud WTR. Okay? Yeah, this is a great alternative, and I think you're going to like it. Try it out, ready to make the switch to a cleaner energy.

Go to mudwtr.com Harland and grab the starter kit. Use code Harland, and you'll get 43% off. The Frother alone is worth it. That's right. up to 43% off with code Harland at M-U-D-W-T-R.com. After you purchase, they'll ask you how you found them, and please show your support and let them know that we sent you. Mud W-T-R, say goodbye to the coffee, say hello to the mud.

If that's the case, I want to read the book by the guy, the chef from Olive Garden. What's his book all about? Oh, my God. Oscar Peterson? The jazz pianist. The penis. Do you know Oscar Peterson?

What did you say? What? The name of the guy. Oh. Jordan Peterson. Yeah, yeah. Oscar Peterson is the famous jazz pianist, also Canadian. Okay.

Jordan Peterson, Peterson's Canadian. Oscar Peterson's Canadian. Okay. So they're nice. We know that. Yeah. They have good posture. How does a lobster have good posture? Well, I mean, I guess it's just the lobsters you see because the other ones die that have bad posture.

But lobsters are in a perpetual state of laying down on their stomachs. They don't stand up. How do they even have a posture? I mean, if you're laying down. Maybe when you're around. But as soon as I walk into a room, the lobsters are like. They stand up and they salute with that big giant cloth. Yeah.

Do you have any butter with you? We go back to the butter. Yeah, yeah. Well, you know, I don't want to eat them. And as soon as I pull the butter out, that's what it's going to end up happening, you know, like with your grandma. And I don't want to do that to the lobster because I will.

Yeah, you will. I will. You don't like lobster? I like it. No, I like it. How many times a year do you eat lobster? Not that much because it's expensive. Yeah.

How many would you say times a year? I mean, I guess I would say. once or twice a year. Okay. I don't go out of my way to eat lobster. You don't go out of your way to eat lobster? I don't go out of my way to you. Hey, I'm feeling like lobster.

Let's go to Greenland tonight. That's a bit out of the way. Let's just go to a red lobster down the street. Yeah, but red lobster eating lobster, it feels a little, because lobster isn't supposed to be a fancy, kind of you treat yourself, you feel like. like, night, if you're going to spend money, you want, like, an experience with it, you know. Well, what's funny is it evolved into fancy.

Excuse me, it's evolved into fancy. Because they've all worked on their posture. They've all worked on their beautiful crustacean posture. That's why they're so expensive. I don't hear about any other fish or crustacean or shellfish working on their posture besides lobsters. That's the only one of them. You're right. And they're the most expensive because they act like it.

Yeah, they've got a bit of snobbery to them. They do. But you know what's funny is lobsters didn't always have the stature they have. They started off as a garbage food way back in the early days because they were this bottom-dwelling critter. And it was an easy meal and it was a big chunk of meat. It was sort of started off as like peasant food. Really? Yeah, they used to feed it to the, it was a, it was a little.

low-level food originally. But then they went Princess Diaries on them. So now they're expensive. They elevated it to, like, people acquired a taste for it, and suddenly it became this exquisite, like, expensive cuisine. Huh. I always said for my final meal, like, if I was on death row, lobster. Really?

Lobster, cream corn is my side dish. Blueberry pie is my dessert. a chocolate milkshake and an ice cold Coke. That's my, that's my, like, death row meal, my final meal. What's yours? What's my final meal? Don't say lamp ray or I'll fly over this table. No, I don't want a lamprey.

What's your, like you got, they come to you, they go, Christina, you got one meal. What did I do? What's the crime to put me on death row? Murdered. Murdered a family. Which one? The Davidson. on 427th Whitmore.

Two boys, one girl, a mother, the father, and the uncle, the demented uncle with Alzheimer's. Yeah. You killed them all. I killed all of them? In the night.

For no reason? Yeah, you just snapped. I snapped. They must have done something. You just, you're rando. You're like, you're an impulse killer. Okay, so it means that I have confidence.

It means I have confidence. I don't need a reason to do things. Right. Yeah. So then I just have. all the ice cream, every single flavor of ice cream. Wow. Because I don't need a reason. I don't need to explain myself to you. Ice cream. So you'd have, what is it, Baskin Robbins, is how many flavors? I don't know. It's like 37 or something? 37. So you'd have all the flavors. I would have every

flavor of ice cream and each one would have a different topping. I wouldn't mix all the toppings. Oh, you'd do the sprinkles and the... I would want it to be complimentary. The toppings to the ice cream, kind of like a wine tasting, the pairing. It's like a pairing, yeah, the topping with the right flavor. Oh, wow. I would be, yeah, fancy, because whatever. I don't care. I don't have consideration, clearly.

Yeah, you've just slaughtered a family. And on top of it, I would be like, not all from Baskin Robbins. No, no, no, sir. I don't care if this is inconvenient because I don't care about people's families. You don't care. Yeah, I just kill the family. I want one from Baskin Robbins, one from a different ice cream store, one local, one from Finland, too.

Yeah, they make the best. Yeah, one from Italy, one from all the different places. Oh, like in Italy, it's called gelato, isn't it? Mm-hmm. So I almost think we're on the border of you starting your own flavor, like Slaughtered Family Mint Chocolate Chip or something. Slaughtered family mint chocolate chip. Is that?

Is that? Rocky Murder Road? Okay, I don't know. Rocky Murder Road. Praleens and Human human meat. Chocolate. Chocolate?

Yeah. Yeah. You don't have to sell me. Get in my vanilla. Yeah, I get in my vanilla. I'm the spider with the bat again. Oh no. Get in my vanilla.

You know, America's just twisted enough that these type of flavors would actually fly. I think so. We could do like a horror theme. Yeah. This is going to happen now. Yeah.

Someone's going to do it. Someone's going to make morbid ice cream. Yeah. The morbid ice cream. That also sounds like scream. Yeah. It's easy. It's right there.

Ice scream. That's the line. It's ice cream. Have some get in my vanilla. Yeah. And some slaughtered family mint chip. Yeah. Brought to you by ice cream for ice cream.

Yeah. Yeah. And then there's so many flavors too that you can just make the minted. That could even be a flavor. Ice cream. It could be like vanilla. but instead of chocolate chips, it's like eyes, human eyes. I scream.

Yeah. Like you know how hot dogs are lips and assholes? You could have lips and eyes. I scream. Hey gang, support for today's episode comes from Square. That's right, Square. The business platform that helps sellers become neighborhood favorites. Whether you're gearing up for a busy season or just trying to keep up with

everyday demand. Square keeps your business running smoothly from payments and POS to online orders, inventory, staff, and more, all in one place so you can focus on your ever-so-important customers, not your to-do list. Square brings payments, POS, inventory, staffing, and online sales together in one system so business owners don't have to juggle. a bunch of tools. You got that? Never fun juggling a bunch of tools. Square helps you run your business more smoothly, bringing payments, operations, and insights together in one place, so you're ready for whatever's next. Right now listeners can get up to $200 off Square hardware when you sign up at Square.com slash go slash Harland. Okay, that's S-Q-U-A-R-E-D-R-E-D.com. That's S-Q-U-A-R-E-E.

dot com slash go slash harland. Get started with square and build a setup that works the way you do. Skuh, uh, uh, where? Square. By the way, you're going to think I'm nuts, but someone told me that. That's a topping. That's a topping. That's a topping.

Nuts. It's the new butter clit nut something or other. but someone told me that hot dogs are... He can't get away. Pecan? Becan. He can't. He can't get away pecan.

I love it. Raple. I was trying to do rape and apple. Ripe. Oh, Ripple. Butterscotch Rapple. No, butterscotch raple. See, it doesn't have it like, um, that one wasn't.

I don't know. Butterscotch raple? That's not bad. It fits. Okay. Um. Uh, uh, cookie dough, Dahmer. That's funny.

Dommer cookie dough? I don't know. Domer. That's, that was the, that was the gay one, right? He didn't care. Meat was meat to him. Gay, straight. Bye, he did it all. Yeah. As long as it wasn't expired, he'd eat it. Really? I thought, oh, okay, which one was the one that was exclusively, um, he killed gay, gay guys, right? I think some of his, um, he did it all. I think some of his, um, his meals were gay.

Some of the meals were gay. They weren't all, but I think the majority were leaning gay. He'd pick up his meals at a gay, at gay bars. And you know why? It's because the gays take better care of themselves. They probably taste better.

Oh, and they're usually, don't they usually wear perfume and they're scented? Oh, yeah. So that's got to be a good, like, it's almost like putting barbecue sauce on some ribs. I hate the gay guy who lathered himself up in butter. He went for, yeah.

I would have, you would have, you would have, I would have, I would have, I would have, Dommered that. Hell yeah. Some guys in his shower using, I can't believe it's not butter as shampoo and body wash. Oh yeah, that's my next meal. And I'm straight. I'd still eat that freak. How do you know?

Huh, how do I know I'm straight? Look at my posture. I'm like a lobstering it up over here. Yeah, but gay guys have really good posture too. They do? I think, yeah. They take care of themselves. presence, aura. Huh. You've been around a lot of gay guys? Yeah. How come? They, I like gay guys.

They put me at ease. What, you feel there's less, you don't have to deal with all the flirting and the hitting on and all that. Is that what it is? Well, I don't know. I think gay guys are more honest. Maybe that's what you're talking about. They seem more like they'll tell you exactly what they're thinking, and that puts me at ease. Oh, really? I like people that tell me, like, yeah, and with, and, um, oh, wow. See, I didn't know that because I don't hang around like gay guys. But I didn't know. Well, because you're the gay guy. I'm a gay guy.

I'm a gay guy. I don't know. I don't know. I'm starting to wonder now. Look at this shirt. Because you have good posture. You say what you're thinking. Look at this shirt.

This is borderline. You know. It's almost like I'm fishing. That's more like a lesbian shirt. Yeah. Maybe I'm gay, but I'm a lesbian because I do like women. Yeah, yeah. I've loved women my whole life.

So I think I might be a lesbian. I think you're on to something. Do you love them? Like a ray fish? Yeah. Did I say that wrong again? Lamprey. A lamp ray.

Yeah. A ray. Ray. Lamprey. Yeah. But someone told me the other day that hot dogs are made out of lips and assholes. And I took a foot long hot dog and I bent it into a circle and I thought, is this guy now sucking his own ass? Like did this go from a hot dog to an ass sucking?

circle? To a really hot dog. Yeah. Like. Well, if it's lips and assholes, that's a lot of empty space. Have you ever heard that? No, I haven't heard. I've heard butts, cow butts, but I didn't assume it was the hole.

I thought it was like the... Yeah. You know, the hole is... The hole is a hole. Yeah, so then it would be like an invisible hot dog. Right. It's the meat around the, yeah, the outer lips of the arsehole. Yeah, so a cow with a fat ass, like maybe...

Right, but then they... Hot dogs. Yeah, lips and assholes. The cow's lips? Yeah. Okay, I thought maybe it could have been somebody... No, that's what I mean. If you bend one end of a hot dog to the other,

are you making the cow, like, kiss its own ass? I hope so. That's kind of empowering. Because they're big. You couldn't walk up to a cow in a field and go, hey, kiss your ass. They'd run you over with their horns, but if you just bend a hot dog and the silent... of your own basement.

Yeah. You can have a gal kiss its ass all night long because there's 12 in a pack. That's a herd. That's a herd of ass kissing. Yeah. I heard that. I hear, I heard that play, play, uh.

Yeah, I don't think humans can do that either. What? Kiss their own ass. Have you ever taken Pilates? No. Try it. I can. You can kiss your own ass.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, I took Pilates and Steambox yoga. Steambox yoga. Yeah, I can kiss my own ass and teabag myself. Like, I am flexible. Well, that seems like

you're the fish and the worm. You can do everything you're... Look, I just want to be... I just want to exercise. I just want to be flexible. I want to stay... I want my vitality. You seem like you have

lot of vitality. Yeah. You have a good energy. Yeah. I've never met anybody with energy like yours. Are you serial? I'm super serial. What do you mean? Well, your energy is so different than anybody else's I've ever talked to. It is? No one's ever said that to me before. Really? What's it mean? Is it cheesy if I ask you to decipher that? Because that's really, I've never had anyone ever say that. No one's ever said that to you? No. That's a lie. People have said I've had like, you know, a shine or this or that, but no one said I've had the energy that I have, like the way you said it.

Can I ask what it means or is that being too... No, no, it's okay. I think you have like a playfulness, like a kid. It's like you have a little kid inside of you that's like... But it's like happy. Your inner child is having fun. Oh, yeah. It shows through to you.

It does? Yeah. So that makes me think that something pretty bad has happened to you. In my life? Yeah. Interesting. Where does that come from? Where do you go from like happy inner child to something bad must have happened? Well, the adult is off. While the inner child's playing, the adult is in the background taking care of like business. Interesting. And if you, on this, staying with this line, what would you assess was the bad thing that might have happened? I'm fascinated to hear. Maybe you're right. I'm not going to tell you. I want to hear your analysis and I'll tell you I won't keep any secrets.

I think your grandma forced you to eat butter when you were a kid, and it took away your childhood, because night and day she would make you eat butter, and she would lather you in butter, give you baths with butter, and then your psyche broke at that point, and that's why now you have control of the butter and what you butter, and that's why you ate your grandma. I think, I think, I'm not a psych, I'm not professional.

Yeah, clearly. But that's like, I think something along those lines. So butter. Yeah, I think something with butter, traumatic happened to you. Like, you're good. Uh-huh. Butter did something. You are good.

I told you I won't, if you hit it, I wouldn't deny it. I knew it. Wow, who are you? You ate your grandma with butter. That was the ultimate vengeance. And now your inner child's so happy because it finally got revenge from your grandma who would make you eat butter. And now you're exercising because you don't have to eat butter.

if you don't want to. Used to be a fat kid, right? Yeah, huge. Yeah, because from all the butter. Jesus, you're good. Yep. What the hell are you? I just, I don't know.

I just have a sense of things. Can I sit in this for a second? Sure, yeah. There's some heavy analysis here. I'm processing. If you don't mind letting me marinating this for a minute. Oh, no, you've done a lot of marinating this.

but it's a little more. I didn't see this coming today on this podcast. I thought it would be fun, giggle, goofing around, and you somehow opened the basement door and let out all the secrets. I'm sorry, we can cut this part out. No, I think it's fascinating.

Who are you? I don't know. I just had a read, a read on something. I mean, snap my fibia and fucking snotch curl my skin. scapulas. Also, you always scream when you see toast. Yeah, what's that all about? The butter. You're like, something's missing. I feel uncomfortable.

Yeah. I've been around you at breakfast. Yeah. Yeah, we go to Denny's sometimes in the morning. Remember that time we had breakfast in bed at IKEA? Because they got those showrooms. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We just, you know, it's like, hey, they made a showroom. Let's use it.

And me and the kid, we laid down for about, eight or nine hours. It's nice that they brought us breakfast. It was. It was just nice for us to sleep beside each other again. This felt good. This time I knew about it. Yeah, this time you were aware.

And what I like what you do is you take your foot and put your foot in the arch of my foot. And it just comforts me. Well, I've never seen a foot arch the other way. Yeah. So it's kind of more like your foot's like. Yeah. And then my foot, you know,

Yeah. I just never, how do you walk? Do you have shoes specially made for you? I have cork, therapeutic cork shoes. They're sort of like log rolling shoes. Cork? They're made of cork. Like the penis?

Like the duck penis? How many ducks had to die for your feet to be normal? Imagine how impossible it would be to walk on duck penis shoes. Like you'd constantly be twirling into the earth with every step. Yeah, I think. I think they have like sport shoes that have kind of... Yeah, like golf shoes. Okay, yeah.

And there's aerator shoes. Have you ever heard of those? They sound like faulty. Yeah, like when you aerate something, it's like when you poke holes in the ground to let it breathe. So some of these guys have shoes. They look like golf shoes on steroids. They actually have spikes on them.

And guys will put them on and walk around on sod to let the air breathe and get moisture and it's a so maybe that's yeah you can make some like duck cock aerator shoes yeah maybe you would be good at it then yeah i'm good at everything really yeah yeah it's tell me something i'm not good at having normal feet what's normal to me they're normal you're like i have inverted arches yeah you kind of like i'm supposed to have concave arches and i have convex arches So I can like rock back of, like rocking chair arches. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So when you stand straight, you're really rocking. Rocking, yeah. So if people really pay attention to your videos when you do stand up, you're always going back and forth. And I know it's because you have rocking chair. And that's why you'll never see cats around me. No. They'll never lay down near me.

Cats have spiky penises. I don't know why I know so many. You know about a lot of... I don't know. Animal facts. You know animal penises. Well, I don't know. It's just some of them, I'm just like, wow, interesting.

Yeah, the cat one's brutal. Well, what's brutal to me is the whale one. What's the whale one? Well, the whale penises are like nine, 12 feet long. Okay. So imagine, I mean, not to get too graphic, but what's the biggest guy you think you've ever been with? Nine 12 feet? What's the biggest guy you think you've been with, inches wise?

Or feet. Like how tall he was? No, like his weenus, his weener. Hmm. I don't know, it was dark. Okay. Well, a whale's nine feet. In fact, why don't I...

Amber? What's the length of a blue whale, the biggest creature to ever inhabit the planet, even bigger than any of the dinosaurs? I know this is a little graphic, but this is scientific. This is biology. This is anatomy.

What is the size of an erect blue whale weaner? The erect blue whale wiener is between 8 and 10 feet. Oh, you're right. Eight and 10 feet long. Wow. What do you do with that? How big whale, though? Well, a blue whale, they're like, aren't they like 300 feet long or something?

How long's a blue whale, Amber? They're over 100 feet. Over 100 feet. Huge. Okay. So by that standard, they've got small weaners. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. How long are they?

80 to 100 feet. 80 to 100 feet with an 8 foot weiner. And then say like a six foot guy with a, what's the average penis size, like a half foot? I don't know. I'm a lesbian. I think the average for a man, a white man is like five to seven. Okay, five to seven. Yeah.

Okay, we'll say six to make it easier, I guess. Okay, six inches. Half a foot to six feet. Yeah. Versus, say, six feet to a hundred feet. Yeah. Blue whales have small ducks. They have small penises.

They have small penises. It's just an optical, it's just to us. Yeah. But you're not paying attention to the whole whale at that point. You're looking at the penis without context. That's like seeing a little person, their penis looks big, but it's actually not. Yeah.

It's just in comparison to how little they are it looks. But put that penis on a blue whale. Yeah. You can't even see it. That's like if Shaq O'Neill unbuckled and he only had two inches. Yes. That's pretty much it. Yeah.

Yeah. So that's, that sucks for a blue whale. They must be so self-conscious about it. Yeah. No wonder you never see them. Yeah, no. They keep it hidden. They're embarrassed about their penises.

All the other whales are kind of like. Yeah. No wonder they're always a mud. down. Yeah. They're hiding a dirty secret. Yeah. But we cracked it. Yikes. Speaking of horrible secret, do you ever order stuff online? Uh-huh. Have you ever blundered? Have you ever bleeped and blundered? Like you somehow did your online ordering and you either screwed it up. You got the wrong order. You ordered from the wrong place somehow. Yes. For sure. Whenever I buy flights I mess up something. Can I share with you a nightmare story that happened to me?

Yeah. I went to order something from Toys or Us for my nephew. It was his birthday. Okay, I order this thing. I get on there. I do the credit card. I'm on there for half an hour trying to find the thing. I'm waiting for a package from Toys or Us. I get the box. I order. Can I show you what came? Instead of Toys or Us, I accidentally ordered from Toyser Uterus. And a damn uterus came to the door, and you should have seen the look on my nephew's face when I gave him this thing.

He's like, what the hell is this? And I had ordered, what I had ordered was a sponge bob. And so I told him this is sponge bob out of the water, like dry, sort of dry. And so he's been playing with this uterus for the last like six weeks. Okay. Has he learned anything? It looks like an educational toy. Well, I don't know.

What I didn't even know there was a Toys are Uterus. What else is in the store? You didn't see? I was trying to order a SpongeBob from Toys R Us. I got Toys R uterus. How's your uterus? I think it's fine. Didn't sound very convincing.

I don't know. That's a weird word. Uterus? Yeah. Do you like that word? Yeah, no, because it's just me. It shouldn't be us. Yeah.

It's uter me. Uter me. It's you or me. It's you or me. It's you or me. I think it's you. It's me. Out of the two of us.

Yeah. Who is it? It's you. It's me. Because I don't have a uter us. Mm-mm. You have a penis. Oh, wow.

So it could be me. It's a shared experience, I think, is what we're learning. Sometimes. Penus and uterus. Penus. Petus, uterus. Boles. Peanus, uterus,

Toyserus. Don't make a fuss. Get on the bus. And I don't think there's anything after that. But you're Italian. Can I run a little test by you? Because one thing I learned is this uterus has a lot of moving parts.

Okay. And they're all scientific. They're all technical. and they all sound like Italian car parts to me. Okay. So what I'd love to do is because you're Italian, right? You speak Italian, right? You're bona fide Italian.

Can I run by you a list and you tell me if it's a part of the uterus or it's part of an Italian sports car? Okay. Fembroia. Uteris? Correct. Ruota. The uterus? No.

That's an Italian sports car? It's Italian for engine. Oh. Rota. Panumatiko. Italian? Yeah. What's it mean?

Tire. Mesovarium. It's the uterus. Yeah. What's that do? Just keeps everything together. It does? It's the manager, lower, upper manager.

Okay. Ampula. That's Italian. Car? No, uterus. Really? You are Italian, right? I don't know any of these words.

Just to convince them. Speak a little Italian because they're not buying. Say anything in Italian a little hello or how's the weather? Ciao, no capiscus none of these words. Little more. I don't know what other do you. Tell them you went to the market today, saw some delicious fish, and then went home and said hi to the words.

the family. Something a little, so they believe it. I'm going to market today, and I've seen the fish, and then I'm going to house with my family and we're eating. Folks, legitimate Italian. Now, we got a uterus

here, and we're talking to Italian sports cars, Alpha Romero, Lamborghini, Ferrari, Coffano. Who's Italian? Yeah, what is it? The hood.

The Frino. I don't know any of these things. So you don't know the difference between a uterus and an Italian sports car? Guess not. I mean, I hear they're both wild rides. Huh? I'm just kidding. This is fucked up.

No, I've heard that too, actually. A couple more. Let's see. Cambio. Cambeo. Italian. Oh, you got it. That's the gearbox.

Endymatorium. This is a uterus. Yeah, you're in the zone. Delicious pink meat flaps. Italian. Yep. Fendinibia. Uterous.

No, that's fog lights on a sports car. Oh, nibia. Okay. Silky tunnel of love. Definitely Rome. The Vatican. And last one, Volkswagen Backseat Glovebox. Hmm.

I don't know. That could be both. That could be either. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. You did pretty good. I'd say you did about 40-60. Yeah, that was hard. I haven't heard a lot of those words. Right. And she's Italian, folks.

Yeah, I guess I never learned car parts. So I think the lesson we take away here is if you're in the market for an Italian sports car, don't let the dealer famboozle you or sweet talk you. Know your uterus terms and know your car terms. Yeah. Because you don't want to get fucked. That's true. It could be uterus lying.

Like lining. Thank you. See, you're in the zone. Is there anything you'd, before we step away from this topic, is there anything you'd like to say about the uterus? Is there anything you'd like to show the folks or point out about the uter? I mean, you're a woman. There's stuff I'm probably missing.

Is there anything? Well, what's a lot of people don't know. I know is that this is actually where the clit is. Oh, on the side? Inside, it's the left one, the left one. There's a left and a right? Yeah, there's a, no, no. This side is just to trick you.

Don't get fooled by the right side. That's where people make mistakes. That's why people can't find the clit. They often go to the right. To the right. The left. Stay left. That's why people can't find it.

They think the clit left. But it's just left. They thought it left, but it's left. That's the trick. That's for free. Wow. That's from you to them. That's for you guys.

So you don't feel... It's not where you think it is. It's to left. It didn't leave. Okay. You just have to... See, I'm glad I asked, because I was just going to put my toys or uterus toy away

and give it back to my nephew later. No. But I thought I've got a beautiful Italian woman here. You have one of these. I don't. Mm-hmm. And for you to offer up some knowledge that many of them to know. And by the way, the peanuts go.

The peanuts, yeah. Peanuts. That's where they go. That's where we get hungry. Yeah. Feed us peanuts. Can you suck the peanuts out of a party dish? It's just.

With, with that snout? It depends how hungry you are. Yeah. Like, could you walk up to a table, straddle it, and then breathe, and just suck up like peanuts? If I'm, if I'm hungry. Yeah.

I'm hungry if I'm moody, if I got my period. Peanuts is really the only thing that alleviates the cramps. They go right to the ears. Yeah, this looks like a pink elephant from behind. Look at that. And from the front too. Yeah, that looks like a, yeah, you're right. It looks like a uterent.

Yeah, it's a trunk of a, yeah. An elituss. Yeah. Horton hears a uterus. Yeah, dumb ho. Dumbho. Yeah. Dumbho, the elephant.

Yeah. You like that one for you? That's pretty good. Thank you. Couldn't dumbho fly? Couldn't he flap his uterus and fly? Yeah, you good. That's what I eat.

Imagine looking up and seeing a flying uterus elephant. Yeah. Honestly, I think that's the future. I think that could be the rebrand for Disney's Dumbo. They do Dumho, the flying uterus. Yeah, and it's really empowering. Yeah, and it's about a uterus that lost its mother, and it's doing tricks in a circus,

and it's lonely, and it learns how to flap its fallopian tubes and fly, and we call it, what is it? Dumbho, the elephant. Dumbho, the elephant. Oh, kids, if Pixar is listening, do you mind if we give that to them? No, yeah.

For the kids? Pixar, if you're listening, please, for the sake of the kids, Dumbho, the elephant, the flying uterus, Oh. It is inspirational. It's like you can get away from...

Look at you. What a kind of marketing kids genius you are. Thank you. I just feel like it'll empower a lot of Ho's young boys. Wow. I can't believe it. Yeah, hey, you don't have to stay in one place and be a ho. You can fly and be a ho wherever you want.

Wow. And I think that's what feminism is. Yeah. I can almost hear it in a Disney song. You can fly and be a hoe Go anywhere you want to go Be a flying hoe The world should know

You're a flying Flying ho Flying ho the elephant Oh no it's a flopian too Flying ho the uterus The youth yeah No bros Allowed

Just Just toes, no bros. Yeah. Do a pose. I'm just going to flash my phone number for Pixar real quick because they're probably going to want to call us here. Pixar, give us a ring. There's my number.

And we're on standby for a Christmas hit. Yeah, I think so. I think that's the movie of the year. I'm so glad I was going to put that thing away and just, you know, later give it back to my nephew to go play in the sandbox. He wanted a GI Joe. He wanted a Teddy Ruckspin. He got a GI Ho, the flying, dumbho.

G. GI infection, GI Track. Oh, yeah. Wow. What a treat this turned out to be. Speaking of gender, because you have a uterus, I don't. I wish I did now. Okay. Maybe after I watched Dumb Ho.

Well, your elephant is kind of on the outside. Yeah, right. It kind of both looks like an elephant. You're right. It's like an iny-outy, like a belly button. Yours is an in-y, mine's an outy. Yeah, yeah, we just have any-outy elephants. I have an in-e elephant, you have an outy.

Yeah. As a beautiful female comedian of the female gender or persuasion, have you ever had to deal with hecklers who target you based on your gender or your looks. Have you had a woman or a man yell something that was like troublesome or not good or maybe a compliment, something that interrupted your show,

and if so, can you share? Yeah, well, usually I feel like I know how to react to things when people say mean things, you know, or like they heckle, like actually heckle, then I feel like my brain can like fire something back. Yeah. when someone gives me a compliment, even you, this whole podcast saying that, that makes me feel like, I don't know what to say.

Yeah. That's why I'm doing it, by the way. I thought when she comes in here today, I'm going to shut her down immediately. If she thinks she's going to come in here and shine and have a good experience, no, I'm going to knock the wind out of her sales right away. Hi, beautiful. Yeah, yeah. Done. That's it.

You've been done this whole podcast. You want to see a podcast. A Dahnett's right there. I pulled it off. Well, yes. So I never know what to say when somebody gives me a compliment. I kind of freeze up and then I kind of just like, oh, thanks. You too. Like I just get... That's it. It's nice.

Okay. That's good. Yeah. One time a lady, she was like, you're so cute. I want to set you up with my son. And the sun was sitting right next to her. Yeah. And so then the whole time I didn't know what to do. And I asked the son, I was like, well, what's your duty? sign. I tried to play along and he tried to act like he didn't know Zodiac signs. And I was like, I'm sorry, ma'am,

but I don't think your son dates women. You know, because if he dated women, he would know his zodiac because we would have told, I tell whoever I'm dating with their, they know. They know. The guy who dates girls knows their Zodiac signs. So you're into that. Okay.

Well, yeah, I kind of. Finish the story. Then I want to pop into this because I'm fascinated, but finish the story with the kid that you turn. gay. No, no, yeah, I was like, I'm so sorry your son doesn't date women, and I'm sorry this is how you had to find out, but and she's like, come on, please date my son

and I'm like, well, do you have a straight son? Because I go, well, if you're, so that's, so I kind of tried to, you know, it was a compliment and I tried to you know, twist it. Because I get uncomfortable, but it was nice, that was And how did the son react? Was he laughing? Or was he, did you actually

out him, or was he just mad? Did you offend his masculinity? Oh, he was, they were both drunk, the lady. Okay. At the end, I don't know what I said. I said something and she fell out of her chair, like literally. Whoa. Probably wasn't even her son.

No. Probably just the guy beside her. Yeah, maybe they don't even know each other. She was trying to wing man him or something. Oh, wow. Yeah, but they were both really, really drunk. But you found a way to have fun with it. Okay, but.

Yeah, I'm good at deflecting. Like, I think I'm pretty good when I've noticed. Really? Oh, this whole podcast. I've been deflecting. Oh, I'm below. You're like a satellite dish in the middle of a fucking lunar eclipse. That sounds kind of good.

Yeah, I'm loving it. You're nothing but a hot satellite dish to me. Lemon tart. It sounds like a diet like dish, a satellite dish. I just want a sadder dish. You're thinking of a cellulite dish. That's the one that's good. That's the fatty one.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. A satellite dish with cellulite has a bunch of dishes in it. Yeah. It's like a little tiny dishes. A cellulite dish also looks like SpongeBob laying on a bed of Swiss cheese. I love SpongeBob. I know you do. That's why I said it.

Yeah. Yeah. If you reference SpongeBob, I'll know what you mean. Now tell me on the opposite end of the spectrum, have you ever had someone say something mean about your said physique or looks? And as you said, you had something in the chamber to nail them with. Oh, people will comment like awkward. They'll say like, they'll be like, oh, awkward, because I, yeah. Because you're awkward.

Yeah, they'll shout stuff out like that. Like, I'm trying to think. That's a weird thing to yell out. If it's obvious you're awkward and someone yells awkward on top of you being awkward, what's the way out for that? Well, I just said, gay. You answered awkward with awkward. Yeah, yeah, I just said, I didn't know.

You're just like, correct. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I guess so. Yeah. Yeah, and then, I don't know. You're the only person you're never awkward around is me. You're always calm as a cucumber.

I think we're on the same weird wavelength. Yeah, you're always chill with me. Yeah, you don't think I'm being awkward right now? No. Okay, cool. No, never. Good. But wait, I want to go back to the Zodiac thing.

Oh, okay. Because you said you're into it. So not to be self-absorbed, but I just want to test to see how astute you are at it or how perceptive you are, how in tune, how aligned with the universe you are. Do you think you could guess what my zodiac sign is? You're a Gemini. Interesting. I would say a Gemini because I feel like you have this persona. But then I don't know what the other one in the shadows is.

This, what, you know, you have this goofy, like, you deflect a lot, too, you know? Everything's a bit. Not me. So, so I feel. You think I deflect a lot? I don't know. I don't know if it's even deflected. I just, we're having a silly time all the time.

But then you have, like, a deeper part of you, too. But I've never seen that part. You've never seen it. Very few people get to see that. Really? How do you get to it? You just got to, like, cozy up to me and get intimate. And be real.

But what about the morning at IKEA? Well, that was in front of people. We were in a showroom. People were sitting on the bed with us to test the mattress. I mean, how intimate can you get with someone laying in a nerd de flarkton? I don't know. It works for the nerd flocks over in Europe. Wait, so Gemini.

Maybe. What's the month they're born, the Gemini's? Gemini, I think it's June. June, oh. May or June, yeah. Okay, so clearly I'm not Gemini because I had to ask that. Okay, well, what month are you? I'm November, I'm Scorpio.

Okay, Scorpio makes sense too. What's say, tell me, what's the deal with Scorpio? To be honest, I don't know that that much. Okay. But because I never, I dated actually a Scorpio. The last boyfriend I had was a Scorpio. And? It didn't work out, but not because he was...

A Scorpio. Well, Scorpios are... Here we go. Say it. People always have like a... Oh, a Scorpio. There's always an adverse... Whenever I say, it's like, ooh, Scorpio!

And I'm like, what did I do? I don't know. I'm just here sipping. I get along with Scorpio. You get along with Scorpios. Yeah, that's evident. But I'm a tourist. So I think...

Oh, so you're a lawnmower. You know what I don't get is there's only 12 star signs, and there's 320 trillion stars. Why are we all confined to me? Me and all the others are a Scorpio. You're a Torres, you're a bull. There's only 7 billion people on the planet, and there's 90 trillion stars. So why isn't when everyone's born, it's like, you're a pine tree, you're a burrito, you're a slipper, you're a uterus. I mean, there's enough stars we all have our own star sign. Why are we all confined to 12?

Because of the months of the year. All right. It's you born in one of the 12 months. See, that's why I don't go deep because I just tried to go deep and look where it got me. Now I'm an idiot. No, no, but I'm saying you're right. A deep idiot. Because even though there's only 12 months, there's a lot more seconds in the day. And not everybody is born on the exact same second. So for that second, there should be a variation at the very least. Yeah. You know, like it should be something else. You're right.

It'd be fun. It'd be fun if everyone had their own stars. I can point to the thing, go, there's my sports. There's my stars. I'm a Volkswagen Beetle. And then your buddy could go, oh, there's mine. I'm a banana split from Dairy Queen. Okay.

Well, I'm going to give you a different zodiac sign. You're going to appoint me a new, like you're taking away Scorpio and you're giving me a new one. I'm going to give you a new one. Here we go, gang. Okay. I think, and maybe our conversation has something to do with this, but I think you would be a duck. Because you like to screw around.

You're a little screwy. I think you're right. I'm not going to fight you on this one. Yeah. I think you might be right. Yeah, and you seem cool and calm and collected on the surface, and then... Underneath my feet are going a million miles an hour. Yeah, that's the shadow.

That's the shadow. That calm little duck on the surface. the glassy surface, but below these little orange feet, webbed nonetheless, just scurrying to stay afloat in life. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, what a great analogy. Who are you for the second time? I don't know.

I got to quack the code. Holy, hello, Dr. Uvula. What does that thing called? What's the toy I brought up? Dumpo. Dr. Uterus? Don't pull the more. But you know what else sucks about the zodiac signs?

Huh. Like, do any of them look like anything? Like, you see, like, there's a star over there. There's one there. There's one down here. There's three over here and half a one over there. Oh, look, it's a bull. Yeah.

Like, none of them, to me, they look like a freckle-faced kid got hit by a steamroller. None of them look like anything. To be honest, this should be the clouds. That's what it is. I've seen things in clouds. What have you seen? Oh, it really depends, and it changes all the time. There's so many, from one cloud, if you stare at it long enough, it'll change into.

Yeah. Yeah. I've seen elephants in the clouds. I've seen clouds turn into. That was dumb ho flying. Yeah, that was dumbing. Yeah, he was just coming through a cloud. She?

She, she, she. Well, the sad thing about clouds is sometimes you see one that's perfect. You go, oh my God, look at that dragon, look at that dog on a motorcycle. And you're like, you're locked in. And then all of a sudden up there in the atmosphere, the winds are changing. And just when you think you finally found the most perfect beagle on a Harley, you know, just a few minutes of circulating winds and air currents, and suddenly you've got like an old lady falling down the stairs like a slinky,

Like the cloud changes on you. Yeah, yeah. That's why it's called the atmosphere, not the utmost safe. Wow. Yeah. Fear. Yeah, because it's like the fear of the unknown. Who's going to be next?

Who the hell are you? I just, you know, somebody who thinks about the clouds. I have my head in the clouds. Wow. I really do. That's what my mom always said when I was growing up. She did? Yeah.

I always had my head in the clouds. You're just always daydreaming. Mm-hmm. About what? What was your driving day? daydream. Was there a continuity to it or was it just rando every day? I don't know. It was just random every day. I would just be in my head. I do that now too. I just, some people look, watch movies and they pay attention scene to scene. They don't

think about anything when they watch it. Do you know that? Yeah. I didn't know that until someone pointed out to me that I talked during movies because I'm trying to figure out what's going on and I'm trying to like see like, oh, what did that mean, what did that mean? And my brain doesn't turn off. And what the guy I was dating at the time was like, you know, you can just watch it and not try to predict anything. And I tried it. And that was fun too. But I didn't like. Wow, your mind's always. Yeah. I'm going to do the most pretentious thing I've ever done on this show for you. Where are you right now? I'm lost in your eyes.

Not uncommon. Not uncommon. for many, many women to say. Women tell you that more. Women look in my eyes and they say, it's like I'm that girl from the ring and I fell into the well. Wait. That's not. No, that's great.

That's what every girl wants to feel like a little bit unsafe. Yeah. They don't want to have you figure out. A little decomposed. Yeah, a little bit. Yeah, like your grandma. A little bit. That's just not physically,

but like emotionally decompose. close the little. Are you an eye person? Like when you date a man, do you look into the eyes? Do you, do you try to read? I don't even notice him. Go straight for the balls. Is that right? Yeah, I look at their balls. I don't even notice their eyes. What does one get from the balls? Because they say the eyes of the window to the soul, so the balls are there for... Yes, for me to judge, I guess. I'm just like, hmm, those balls are a little small. I would think if the eyes of the window to the soul that the balls are the back door to the basement?

Maybe. The back door to the basement. The balls are the guides to the basement, if you will. Oh, wow. Yeah. So you look right into the balls. I don't even notice guys' eye colors half the time. What color are the balls?

They're all the same, aren't they? Yeah, to me. Yeah. To me, they're all the same. Huh. Mm-hmm. But for some reason, my eyes are captivating. Yeah, I mean, you're sitting down, so.

Yeah. Yeah. I don't, by the way, just for the record, I don't have balls. I was in a horrible lawnmower accident when I was 14. And holy God, I'm like a Ken doll down there. Oh, so nothing at all. So you are a lesbian. Pretty much.

So that's what that was. A dyke. I like to call myself a dyke. Because I'm sort of manly looking. If I was more effeminate, I'd take the lesbian moniker. Lesbian does sound kind of French. Like lesbian. As a guy who looks like a man is a closeted lesbian,

I want to hold on to some of that masculine. So bold dyke is good with me. Or even I'll go up a layer and go, bulldozer driving dyke. I didn't know bulldike. was a term. It's a term. It is. That's for sort of the manly sort of... It's like a bear. Yeah, it's like the macho, the macho kind of manly blue collar lesbian. But for me, the bulldozer driving dyke, which is that's full on. You sort of can't

tell if I'm a man or a lesbian. That's how I like it. So you're ambiguous. Yeah. You don't know what you're going to get. I know. They don't know. No one else knows. All I know is I'm smoothed down there like a kendall. Like if I drop ice cream in my lap, it just slides right down to my crack. Kindles are pretty smooth. Yeah. Yeah. Like, have you ever?

Oh, yeah, I rub it every night. I pretend, I call it genie. I rub myself three times in the night and pretend it's a genie bottle. And I make wishes that one day it grows back. Has it? No. No? Not even a little, like, sprout.

No. You water it? No. Even when I get aroused, I'm thinking, okay, at least give me a zet. How do you get aroused if you don't have anything? I'll just look at things. We talked about the clouds. Like sometimes I'll see one that looks like Farrah Fawcett. Okay.

Or this month's Samantha Davidson did the center spread and hustler this month. And I sometimes think I see you're doing a spread eagle in the sky. And then it changes. And then it changes. Yeah, it just blows away. And so I can't get around. house. But can't blow

away. Have you ever been approached by a lesbian? You've probably been hit on. How do you react? Oh. Is it a compliment or is it like get that away from me? That's not in my wheelhouse.

That's a compliment, yeah. It is. Yeah, I think so. And it's nice because I don't feel like I'll get raped. Yeah. You know? It's like better almost.

Not that I feel that way, like with guys, but with girls I feel more safe. Safe, yeah. Yeah, yeah. And it's, yeah. Has there ever been one that was so sort of provocative and sexy and attractive that in the back of your mind you were like,

you know what? And I don't know if you've ever done it, but was there ever one that was like so like, like hot that you're like, you know, if ever I was going to turn the corner, I think this might be the one. Yeah. Talk to me.

Here we go. Well, one time, it was a girl, and she was with her cousin, her man cousin. And she was trying to set me up with him the whole night. Oh. Yeah, and he was cute. You know, I was into it. We were all getting along. Oh, wow.

And then after a little bit, she was like, oh, let's go to the bathroom. And I was like, okay, we're doing the girl thing. We would go to the bathroom together. You thought she's going to tell you stories about him. Yeah, yeah. Get the inside scoop. Yeah. go to the bathroom and she locks the door behind me, you know, and then she grabs my face and she

starts making out with me. You were in the stall? Yeah, it was like a personal bathroom, just one. Oh, right, right, right, like an all gender, yeah. Yeah, yeah, so, so we start making it out and I'm just kind of letting it happen because I'm polite. Yeah. And also I was like, okay, whatever, you know, this is fine, this is cool. She was a smoke show? Yeah, she was a smoke show? Yeah, she was was really cute, but just the confidence that she did it with, and I think she was going to do probably more, but then I freaked out. I was like, oh, I got to go. And, you know, like I, because imagine my personality and that happened to me, you know, like, I wasn't, like, I don't have that energy that's like. That's the tourist in you, yeah. Yeah, I've got that, yeah.

You became a riding long more, and you just got out of there. Yeah, we're both, I guess, kind of horses. You're just bulldozer. Yeah. Bulldozer dyke. Yeah. Wow. So you got out of there and then did you go back to the dude? Or did you just like exit stage left and like... Yeah, it kind of exited. So she was sort of, it was all a roo sort of. Yeah. Like she was sort of using him as a decoy.

Yeah. Oh, that's a little crafty borderline evil. But then I thought about it after, you know, like that happened and I'd get a little bit like turned on by it. It was hot. It was kind of hot, yeah, but I, yeah, I don't know. But you engaged for, when you say a minute, was it 10 seconds? Was it a minute?

Was it, were you like getting into it for a second there? I don't know. I just remember kind of having a lot of thoughts and not being like, well, how long is it the polite amount before she, I don't want her to feel like rejected and ugly because she wasn't, like so politely. I think a polite, 30 seconds at least. Good 30 seconds. A good 30 seconds. Okay.

Yeah. I don't want her to. you know, that would hurt her feelings. I'm going to say this sentence with all due respect. I hope you don't mind. 20 seconds is a limit, and after that, you're a lesbian. I'm playing with it after that. No, you're a lesbian after 20 seconds.

You said 30? I don't know, yeah. You're a full-on lesbian. Welcome to the club. Okay, I guess we both lesbians. Couple of lesbians. Couple of twas. The Harlan Highway Lescast.

Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. It's a little too much. It is. Well, I just didn't know how to do it. Like, you know, it went down, like, a little bit, and then it went back up because I, yeah, it went.

It kind of prairie dogged it, I guess. It went, like, sort of down the wrong pipe. Yes. And then, did it get that deep? Huh? Is that, did it go that deep? No, it's kind of. Oh, it's just in your throat.

Yeah, you know, you, like, have saliva that's really thick and you spit it out, and then you can, like, suck it back in. Yep. That's kind of what happened, but in my throat with that. Okay. Like, it went down, but then I got it back up, so it didn't choke me. Yeah. And all this rate after.

after the lesbian makeout story. Yeah. Is that inappropriate? No, God, this is truth. This is honesty. Look at all this stuff you pulled out of me today. Like you psychoanalyzed me. You determined I'm a lesbian.

I mean, the stuff you pulled out of me, for me to talk about you for 30 seconds, making out in a dirty bathroom at a Bakerfield nightclub, I mean, whoopi-doodle. Wait, that was you talking about it for 30 seconds. then I think it was longer than that. So you think you're making out with her longer.

Was their tongue? There was. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Mm-hmm. You might be at the edge of Bulldike. Was there grabbing breasts? No, I don't think so.

Well, don't say I don't think so. Yes or no. You remember, you were there. No, I don't think so. Did you grab her thighs or her buttocks? No. Did you wrap your arms around her? Mm-mm.

I think I was just standing there. Like Frankenstein. Like kind of. to, yeah, just take me. Imagine does that happen to you? Like, what would you do? Oh, it has. Really?

Oh, yeah, I was at a lesbian. I was at a lesbian club last week down in West Hollywood. Really? Three girls in, not in an all gender. I was in a stall. And they made me stand on the toilet. They put the toilet seat down. Made me stand on the toilet seat like I was a statue,

statue in town square. They got the toilet paper, made me hold it, and then they did what they called the mayor. And they danced around me taking turns, licking my smooth area. Unbelievable. What? Yeah. Some call it sexual assault, but I call it a fun night in heaven.

Okay. That was a maple? A maple. A maple, like a leaf? Maple. It's like a festival they do in Holland where the children grab ribbons and they dance around a maypole. But in this case, I was holding...

You're a maple. I was holding rolls of... Scott triple ply. Oh, okay. And the Bulldikes were twirling around. What? I was just picturing it in my head. Yeah, and they were twirling around me.

And then at the end, the crescendo is, as they go around, they lick. And then the final thing, I take my foot and I flush. And it's kind of like an, you know, Escher Williams, like one of those old Hollywood water movies. Were you covered in butter? Yeah. You got to stop doing it. Well, it's actually, I can't believe it's not butter. Oh.

And then when I got out on the street, people said, I can't believe you're not a lesbian, and I said, I am. Yeah, because you had a lot of lesbian saliva on you. Yeah, unbelievable. So anyways. I didn't know they had lesbian bars. That was the most shocking part of that story.

Yeah, oh, yeah, there's lots of them. I've heard of gay bars, but I've never heard of lesbian bars. Some of them are on the roof of KFCs. Really? So they're like secret spots. Yeah, they're sort of like night raves. They're hidden, like the clitters. Night, yeah, they're like hidden.

They're like night raves. Like KFC's most close at 10 o'clock, and if you find the lesbian ladder that they put up, if you get up there by 1130, there's full-on lesbian raves on the roofs of KFCs across the country. And this is lesbian insider stuff, by the way. You're welcome. Yeah, I had no idea. Yeah. Isn't that fun? Yeah, that is fun. So if you're, you know, some summer night and you're sitting on your porch with a lonely glass of Newman's own lemonade,

and you're thinking, God, I wish I could spice the night up. Hit your local KFC and boom. KFC is where all the lesbian bars are. On the roof. On the roof. It's on the roof. I've never seen stairs when I go inside. Oh, it's a ladder.

It's a lesbian ladder. They drop it down. It's sort of like code. You know, in some of these clubs you've got to knock three times or give a password. That's an inside thing. I'm sharing it with you guys. Have fun. Huh?

There isn't one. You just walk? If you see the ladder, if you see the lesbian ladder come down, up you go and have a fun night. And the great thing is in the morning you smell like 11 herbs and spices. It's fun. That is fun. Yeah. Man, do you have a girlfriend right now?

No, do you? No. Why not? Oh, you're straight, though. I'm straight, yeah. Well, no, should I have a girlfriend right now? Should I just be free on the market roaming? I mean, I just feel like she wouldn't like you going to all the lesbian bars, you know.

Yeah. But maybe she wouldn't mind. Nothing worse than a jealous lesbian. I don't need that in my life. I've already got a bowl of pudding in the fridge, a bowl of jello. I don't even know what that meant. It means that the jello's already pretty jelly. You don't need a girl that's jelly, too.

All right, you're ready for our final segment, my love? Okay. Words from a wooden shoe. You reach in, pull out a random word, and see if it triggers a story from your beautiful life. Don't look. You just got to like pull out a rando. Okay.

And see if it sparks a story from your life, someone you met, something that happened to you. What is it? Is it a sex toy? Oh, wow. That's apropos. Any story? Stories? Sounds like you already had a sex toy in that bathroom.

No, that was a, you know, you don't, you don't bring toys to work. So this one isn't applicable to me. Really? Yeah, no. It's a serious business. No run in ever with a sex toy or a friend that told you a story about a sex toy. It doesn't have to be you. It just has to be sex toy.

At some point in your life, there was a sex toy. connection, a story, an event, a friend got one stuck, whatever. But if not, I'm not going to force it. Yeah. I'm not going to force the sex toy. Yeah. What? Um, an abacus. Wow. Yeah, yeah. A Chinese sex toy. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. So I, uh, I like to, um, I shouldn't have said this. I promised the guy that I wouldn't. Okay. Is he an accountant? Yeah, he was an accountant. Yeah, he had an abacus where he, you know, there's like the beads. Beads, yeah.

The abacus. And he, every kiss I gave him, he would take one of the beads and put it up his bunghole. Okay. And so, you know, if I was feeling, really frisky, I give him, like, lots of kisses. And then I'd have to watch him put, you know, he's kind of like a pez dispenser. Put it in reverse. Yeah, well, no, because you put the pezzes first, right?

Oh, right, yeah. Yeah, yeah. So that's kind of like, you were just, like, oh, you got another kiss. Wow. And it was kind of like a game. It was like, Abba or kiss at some points. It was like, then he'd play Abba. And, um, but really I just wanted to give him kisses.

And then he just, like, filled up on the Abacus, like, things. So his colon was full of abacus beads. It was, it was full of abacus beads, and it really got him going. It really got him going. Wow. And then he would go to, like, places in public, public places, and he would have to interact with all the abacus in beads in his butt. And only we knew about it.

And I would give him kisses in public, so then he'd have to go to the bathroom and put another one in. Wow. We only knew about it, though. And it was a really smart guy, Asian, though. So he really, like, struggled to fit them in after a while because they're really little people. Well, there's a lot of beads on an abacus. Yeah, I know, I know. And that was like always the fun part of seeing how many before he started coughing them up.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, and then once he started coughing them up, it was like, game over. You lost, you know? And how many did we get to? Wow. Yeah, we usually got to, like, 69. Genius. Yeah.

I never would have, I never would have pegged. It's a hot. Yeah, yeah, it was. I never would have pegged someone to use an advocate as a sex toy. Yeah, yeah. It's really smart. It's a not a lot of people. It's a smartest sex toy of all.

It really is. And you learn a lot about the other person. It's like a delayed gratification, you know. Oh, wow. Yeah, they do it in China all the time. Yeah. Well, I think what happened is people thought it was a primitive form of a calculator. And when the Chinese brought it over,

they're like sort of, he doing his taxes with my butt toy. Yeah, and they give it to babies, and that's appalling. Like, that's a baby toy. That's not in America, they use abacuses to teach kids, and I'm just like, don't use if that's, the baby's too young right now in some place. Maybe, yeah, maybe, you know. Get the hand sanitizer. Abacus is all over Epstein's Island.

That's something that didn't include in the files, but that's. Well, there were so many. I heard that they used to turn them upside down, stick them with their shoes, and rollerblade on them around the island. The kids? No, the, everyone. They'd have a roller skate night. Yeah.

So, yeah, that's a... Wow, okay. I was told not to say anything, but... I'm glad we pursued it because that's probably the most unique original sex toy. I think all those perv... I mean, all my viewers were thinking vibrators and... You know, the common things. I have a kiss.

Why else do they call it kiss in it? Yeah. Yeah. Brilliant. Well, Christina, before we go, please tell the folks where they can see. You've got to see this girl do her stand-up comedy. Let them know. Let it rip.

Yeah, I'm on tour right now. You can find my tour dates on my website, Christina Mariani.com, or follow me on Instagram. C-R-I-M-A-R-I-I-I. Yeah. And that's Italian. Yep. And by the way, your last name, surprise,

and I hope this doesn't insult your family, but it's also this part right here of the uterus. Mariani? Yeah, that's the Mariani right there. It's the Mariani trench. Yeah, it sure is. And on that note, dumb ho's going to fly. We'll see you next time.

That's it for today, folks. Thank you for being here, love. So great to see you. Thank you for having me. And that's it for today, folks. Chicken chow main until next time. Keep your uterus in your pants. And we out.

Hey, everybody. How would you like your very own personal video message from me, yours truly? It's your birthday. It's your anniversary. It's your graduation. Or you just want me to make you laugh. You get to pick the topic. You want me to discuss.

Give me some talking points and off we go. You can get it for yourself or get it for a friend. It's super easy and fun just go to the cameo app on your phone or to cameo.com and I record a custom video made just for you or your loved one. Your very own personalized Harland.