The Harland Highway - DAN SODER talks about feeling good, Filet O Fish, and the dark side of Winnie the Pooh and Elon Musk

Episode Date: June 16, 2026

WINGMAN is out now on Gumroad, Apple TV and Amazon Prime! GUMROAD- https://thewingman.gumroad.com/l/WINGMAN APPLE TV- https://tv.apple.com/us/movie/wingman/umc.cmc.nfzru25awp5jnendhudhjw9t This episode is sponsored by Hims, Rocket Money! - To get simple, online access to personalized, affordable care for ED, Hair Loss, Weight Loss, and more, visit Hims.com/Harland. - Let Rocket Money help you reach your financial goals faster. Join at RocketMoney dot com slash HARLAND Thanks for watching the Harland Highway. More Harland Williams: Harland Highway Podcast Video: https://www.youtube.com/c/HarlandHighwayPodcast Harland Highway Podcast Audio: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-harland-highway/id321980603 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/harlandwilliams Harbling Shirts: https://www.harbling.com Official Website: https://www.harlandwilliams.com Twitter :https://twitter.com/harlandhighway?lang=en More Dan Soder: Website:https://www.dansoder.com/ Instagram:https://www.instagram.com/dansoder/?hl=en Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCjVmtPD7hXOkzN80OJM_fXg #podcast #harlandwilliams Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Why didn't you tell everyone they're going to pay? You think Christopher Robin, imagine a shooter in his little rubber boots and a yellow raincoat? He told me not to come to school today. He said, stay home. I'm going to make everyone pay. I have nothing in my headphones. Nothing in my headphones. Yeah, now we're back in, baby.

Now we're back in, baby. Wow. I don't think I've ever had like sound issues. right out of the gate like that. I think this means it's going to be one of the greatest episodes of all time. You think so? I hope so.

Wow, I like the positive energy I'm feeling. You know what? This is why you people in L.A. are so cheering is because you hike and the endorphins. You know what I think I'm experiencing right now? What? A hiker's high. Yeah.

That's why you made me walk up the hill. That's why you told the Uber to stop at the bottom of the hill. Yeah, your Uber driver, like let you out way too early. Way too early. He was scared to go up a dry hill. Yes. That's driving in L.A.

Yes. He was like, this is too narrow. And I went, what do you mean? It's too narrow. It's a road. And he went,

it's too narrow, man. It's too narrow. And I went, should I just get out? And he's like, would you mind? And then I did, and I realized that he fucked me over.

He left me like five minutes down the hill. And I was like, oh, man. So my calves are burning right. now. Dude, well, what I mean is maybe he saved you, like, because he gave you a workout. Honestly, can I tell you as a hypochondriac? You know what I thought?

You're a hypochondriac? All the time, I'm worried I'm dying because things are going well. So I'm afraid. So I'm afraid that someone's going to, like I'm going to discover a lump or something. That maybe this shouldn't be the best podcast ever. No, I think this will be. I think this will be. But I thought, what if I was walking and I was out of breath?

Yeah. I'm out of shape. But I was also like, what if this leads to a diagnosis? Whereas I was like, I was walking up to Harlan Williams. Yeah. And I, I breathed funny. Yeah. I'll let you know.

Dude. I'm going to get a physical in May or in June. So it's coming up. So I'll let you know. Are you going to get all the tests done? I get the finger in the butt. I get everything. You do?

Yeah, because prostate cancer is on the rise really bad for men under 45 now. So my doctor, every time I get a physical gives me a, have you ever had that? Wait, what was it? The Your asshole whistles? Yeah. So he puts the finger out.

And it goes. Yeah, he puts it in. And he goes, oh. And then he pulls it out. In Toronto, every arrival is a statement. And nothing says it better than this. Cadillac Optic was the number one selling luxury EV in Canada for 2025. Find your rhythm across a seamless 33 inch display and an immersive 19 speaker AKG surround audio system.

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Feel good from the inside out. Visit Activia.ca for more details. Dude, what have you been drinking? Soda. Wow. It's all bubbles. Yeah. Those are the bubble whistles.

You've got seven up anus. Dude. Who's your doctor, Dr. Pepper? What the hell? Thumbs up. Yeah. Get that thumb in my butt, buddy. Wow.

Pull it out. Wow. Oh, dude. And then sometimes if he does it fast enough, it goes. And what's funny to me is that you're able to do that because you have the little gap in your teeth. And the little letterman thing. And now I'm pitching your anus with two little teeth with a gap in them. It looks like a curtain.

Yeah. It looks like there's something behind my butthole that's nervous to see what the crowd looks like. You've got parrotfish ass. Dude. I got a whole mix of a butthole. Wow, dude. But thanks for having me. Oh, dude.

What a treat. So wait a minute, you're a hypochondriac. For those of my listeners don't know, it's not a snake that dwells in the Amazon. I'd be way cooler. It would be. I'd be way cooler. And by the way, it is something that could kill you if it was.

Sure. It fits into the hypochondriac world. But tell them what a hypochondriac is. It's a person who's worried they're always sick or about to be sick or dying. And where does that come from for you, a virile young stud that looks like he has sexual coitus four or five times a week. That would be so cool if I did.

So you don't? No. Come on, Danny. I'm old. I'm in my 40s. Danny, that's prime sexual peak for a major stud. I shouldn't be peaking right now.

Maybe this is all leading to me realizing I need to be in better shape. Maybe that's what this walk did because then it'll raise my virality, my sexual prowess. The more I get into shape. My fiance's going to be in trouble. What do you?

mean you're gonna we're gonna have sex all the time so you have a fiance yeah didn't you meet her when you did my podcast she wasn't home i heard something banging in the closet that's like keeper yeah that's her i keep her in a hyperbaric chamber yeah to keep her pristine like an action figure or a baby like michael jackson listen i did good work special your girlfriend's so special blanket blanket i'm not like the other boys blanket You seem good, Dan, your prostate seems normal. Can you be that doctor, but I'm Michael Jackson going in to see you? Absolutely.

I bend over. Mr. Jackson, if you could bend over, you're going to feel pressure. I'm not like the other boy. No, his goes, chee-he. Yeah, there you go. That's the Michael Jackson getting his prostate check. I've not liked your an anusus. I've never seen an anus like yours.

Mr. Jackson, if you're nasty. So wait, why does a guy like you think you're a hypochondriac? Like what is it you, fear. Death? But you wake up. Because things are going well. So I'm worried that I'm going to get sick. But that's why when you prefaced this podcast saying it would be the best one ever,

that sort of plays into you're going to get sick. If we have the best one ever, you're going to die. No. That's not how that works. That's the way you sort of set it up. No, no, no. Are you raising your finger to me, young man? Not at all.

Hey, T. I don't want a finger fight. E.T. Go home. You put your finger away off. We're going to be checking each of those butts by the end of this thing. No, it's because the audio technical difficulties is why I said it's going to be the best episode ever. Okay. Not because the hypochondri.

Hypochondriac, listen, and I do want to clarify. Okay. I was much, much more of a hypochondriac in my 20s and 30s. I'm less so now. But I still worry from time to time. In your 20s and 30s, you're even closer to youth and good health. That's why I was worried. Shouldn't you be more worried now that you're older and you're closer to the end?

I think when I was a teenager, a lot of people around me died and it just made me be. What are you a virus? No, I'm a gang member. How many did you? kill, boy. Well, I can't be putting that on wax now, can I? On wax. I can't be putting that on wax now.

Thanks, Sunrise Studios. Elvis's first cut. We're going to press it and then we're going to get it. Don't you be seven up mouth in me? Seven up anus. And I have the nerve to drink this out of the anus. We never think about that. The mouthpiece is just the cans anus.

So should you put all your cans upside down in the refrigerator? If that's their butthole. Oh, wow. Shouldn't be a... I think you might have just cured my addiction to drinking pop. Because now you're sucking butt. Now I'm sucking butthole. Do you drink...

How many so... How many so does do you drink of that? You know, it can fluctuate. Sometimes I can have two or three. That's bad. But I'm trying to cut it down. That's bad as you drink icing from a Dunkin' Cup. This is iced coffee and the ice is melted because I had to hike up here.

It's just whipped sugar, dude. I had to scale Mount Harlan to get into the, into the Shangri-La. But I think, like you said, it could be the tipping point. It could make me, you know what it could be funny? I could come back and be like 40 pounds lighter and all shredded and look weird. You know, when people get too in shape? Yeah. And it'd be like, this put me on my fitness journey.

But before, yeah, now you're entering Ozempic country. No, no, no. Oh, yeah. Was it an outbreak here? The Ozempic? Yeah. I think it's still in full. Like, I think COVID bled right into OZemPEC.

I think, hear me out. Yeah. The zombie apocalypse is going to happen because of OZempe. Like, what if OZempec, what if everyone that took OZempec turned into a zombie? I think they already are. But you know what I mean? But then they keep going and then they have the need for human flesh. Yeah.

Because that's all they can eat. And then now we got to kill everybody. That's a OZMpeg. You know, medically, you know, medically, might be on to something because if you look at OZempec, when you inject it, you have to go, well, what's it doing to alter the body chemistry? And because people are getting so thin, the OZempec's probably eating internal tissue and fat and muscle. And they're going to need it. Therefore, craving human flesh. And so when the body gets so, look at you, posturing up like a

peacock. Whoa, posture. These are my feathers are up. I'm peacock and full peacock. You're full NBCing me, bro. Don, doong, do, don't, don't, don't. I think we fortify Mount Harland. Yeah. For the OZemic zombies. Dude.

For the OZombies. Yeah. When the OZombies come. It's a weird look. And speaking of the apocalypse of the zombies. Both of our hands are out now. I've been binge watching the Walking Dad. Great show.

Great show, 972 seasons. Gave up after season three, honestly did, and felt like it ran for another 20 years. It ran for another 20 years. There's 3,000 episodes. Yeah. And I watched about five seasons and all the characters, Dan,

sheriffs, priests, doctors, businessmen, all these litany of characters. And after all those episodes and after all those zombies, not once did we see a character that I think was completely overlooked, Larry, the necrophilia. Oh, my God.

The one-eyed king, the one-eyed man is king in the land of the blind. Right. He could, he would just be a fuck fest. Yeah, it would be him up in the window. He's the only guy banging a pot. They come down there. She's like, oh, daddy going to do some fucking tonight.

He's just rubbing his chest hair as they all start coming up the hill. Oh. Yeah. Oh. He's like, oh. He's like, I mean, wouldn't they kill him, though? I don't know, not if they're being pleasured. Do you think he has like a muzzle?

Like a gamp, you mean? Like. Oh, he puts it on them. Yeah. Oh, like a leather sex, S&M muzzle. Or just like a rubber bands when they put it on the lobster claws at restaurants. Yeah. I don't think so because if you're a necrophiliaic and you want to experience all the pleasures of sexual activity,

you're going to want to want the mouth area. Now here's all my question for all those necos that are Harlan heads. Yeah. Isn't part of being a necrophiliac fucking a dead body, not a living dead body? Oh, man. Technicality. But I'm just trying to put my mind inside the mind of a necro. And I'm thinking you like the fact that they're cold, not moving.

Motionless. You know how. Some people like to eat leftovers cold. Some people like cold pizza. And some people throw them in the microwave. That's what Living Dead is. Yeah. Is when you nuke your leftovers.

Yeah. When you reheat the leftovers. So zombies are like microwave meatloaf. Yeah. But what you're saying is you want the meatloaf that hasn't even been taken out of the fridge yet. Yeah. It's like in the aluminum foil, you just take it out. And that's what I think of necrophiliac is.

Yeah. Have you ever done it? No, no. Oh, I've been offered several times. Talk to me. Talk to me. I had a friend that worked at a mortuary. He said we can, you know, let's just get these suits off them.

Yeah. We can even make them fight. Oh, wow. You can make them, yeah. You can pose them? Yeah. We'll do full, I mean, full John Wu scenes. Oh, wow.

We'll get doves and we'll release them as they do. We try to recreate one of the fight scenes from Eastern Promises in the bathhouse when they're naked. Yeah. So that's what we did. picked up dead bodies. Yeah, you're just marionetteing them. Yeah, we drew Russian tattoos all over them, so they looked like Figo Mortensen and Eastern Promises.

Were these men corpses or women? Size-wise, I want to say men, but one of them did have the pieces of a woman. So she's a burly gal. Yeah, because I figure if you're going to go necro, you want to have a lady, right? Yeah, I don't know how you're getting a... If you're a necrophiliac,

I don't know how you're fucking a dead dude unless it's just his butt. But then you got to ask the, here's another necro question. If a guy's dead and you do them, are you gay? Because he's dead, there's no, there's nothing coming back.

I think you're like a day walker. You know how like Blade? A gaywalker or a gay walker? Yeah, you're a gay walker. What's up? You're a gay walker. So you're not gay, but you're a gay walker. Yeah.

I wonder, you know what's fun about talking about this is no one in the comments can get mad because then it just looks like you're necrophiliac. Like if you go like that's not what they do, then you go. Yeah, you're right. What are you?

Well, you got to figure most of the people watching this podcast are necrows. Yeah. Yeah. That's pretty cool. Folks. It's pretty cool. Honestly, it's kick.

Folks, be honest. It's caring about the dead. Yeah. It's honoring the dead. Yeah. One last one. Yeah. One last ride.

What a world to be. be a zombie, to be dead, perpetually dead. Sure. And never to be able to come out of it. Yeah. And you can't even commit suicide. You're like, oh, great, I'm dead. You jump off a building and you're like, great, I'm still dead.

And my legs don't work now. Now you're one of those zombies that just goes like, ah, you know, that you just see on the street. You're an elbow crawler. You go, I had it so much better when I was a roaming zombie. Yeah. A traveling, like a traveling willberry. Why did I try to kill myself? And then you go, and then you get a human and the human goes, no, they run away.

They go, kill me. Take out my brain stem. I don't want to be around anymore. Do you think, you know when you have to poop and you get home? Yeah. Like you're like driving home and you have to poop. Yeah. Then you get home and you poop.

Yeah. And you go like, oh. Yeah. Is that one of the zombies's brain gets taken out? They're like, finally. Yeah. They're just like, thanks for ending that. Yeah.

I think so. Because being a zombie, you're right. No one talks about how exhausting it must be. And depressing. Just like, brr. Yeah. That's what the noise they're making is like. Uh.

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Rocket money. And why are they always hungry? Like, they're dead. Like, shouldn't their priority not be food, but if I was a zombie emaciated and crazy, shouldn't they be looking for skin care places? Yeah, I wonder if you get a zombie into water, if they rot faster.

Because I like swimming. And if I were a zombie and I had all this time, I go, well, the reason I never got to go swimming as much was because I didn't have as much time because I was in society and I was human and I was made of flesh. Yeah. If I had time when I was a zombie,

it's like, why don't go swimming? But then you go in the water and then it's like jumping off the bridge where you go, I shouldn't have got in the water. I should have just stayed a dry zone. Yeah. So there's a lot of questions. Would you like the experience of being able to live in a zombie world where you could cart blanche,

wake up in the morning. And instead of having a coffee, just walk outside and go shoot 12 people without any guilt and then sit down and have a coffee. I do think that would bring humanity together. The living humanity. Yeah. Because we would get our aggression out.

Yeah. Let's say we're podcasting, right? We're having a great time. We're doing seven up butthole. We're going. We're making it into a whole thing. Yeah. And then you hear the scratching, right?

Yeah. Well, you know, I came in a little fired out because I had to walk up the hill. Yeah. So you toss me the old fucking Harlan shotgun. And I go out there, I go, hey, goosh, goosh. I come back in. Some matter is now splattered on my face and shirt. Yeah, tissue.

You know, but I take, I get a towel from your lovely assistant. Yeah. And I wipe off. And then we're back in there. And then you go, look, you, shoulders are rolled back. You know,

I'm enjoying my ice coffee now. Yeah. So why not? It's like a stress releaseer. That's what it is. And also, you might run into someone that you hated when they were living

and what an opportunity. But this is America. Couldn't you just shoot them when they're alive? Well, sure. But then you need to claim mental health issues, and you don't want to go through the paperwork on that.

It depends on much I hate the person. The paperwork. Think about the paperwork. I'm talking about clauses, terms, conditions. You don't have to shoot in a person and then going, I'm crazy, please get me out of this. Because if you don't claim crazy, you're getting nasty Nate in real life.

That a little, that fun half-bake scene is for real. Jungle of Love 666. That shit's fucking real for you, dude. Oh, don't make me relive that. Yeah. So if you don't want nasty Nate in real life. Oh, God, okay. I always remember that calendar.

I always thought it was so funny, your character had a calendar of the guy that was going to rape him in his prison cell. Well, that's the-chungle of love, 6-6-6. Well, what was funny is that scene, the scene on paper just said, we cut to Kenny in his jail cell and just put an X through the day. Like I did another day

and I said, no, I'm traumatized. I'm an art teacher. So originally in that scene there was a picture, I think there was a picture of a lake or something. Okay.

And I think I drew a canoe and started doing loon noises and everything. And then there was like nasty Nate and I just started scribbling. I just went off. Yeah. Yeah.

Six devils, horns. Yeah. That was, that's what, I mean, I watched that, yeah, I was obsessed with that movie for years. I'd watch it after school every day. Oh, dude, it's a classic. Everyone loves it. I mean, when my dog eats popcorn, I hit it with the pop, pop, pop, pop.

Yeah, pink popcorn. You like it because it goes in your mouth, it goes pop, pop, pop, pop. Yeah, dude, anytime I hand her a little fucking thing. I love it, you remember all that. Oh, brother, it is burn in there. It is? Yeah, dude. I mean, random ass shit will pop up from half-bake.

in my mind. Yeah. I'm, I, yes, Cuban B. I say that a lot. You do?

Yeah, he goes, I'm Cuban B. He goes, ah, yes, Cuban B. Yeah. Mr. Samson,

Simson, I stick by my story. Yeah, that movie was, anybody that knows me that grew up with me knew my senior year, I would get off school,

I'd smoke weed and I'd watch half baked. You smoke weed every day? I have since I was like 15. You still do? Yeah. Wait, so do you do it just,

Like, does it calm you down or does it make you giggly and both? Really? Yeah. And I miss smoking cigarettes and I can't smoke cigarettes because I just know how bad it is. Yeah. So I like the smoking part. Okay. So I don't do vapes.

Yeah. I rarely do edibles. I rarely do edibles. And then I mostly just smoke like 21% THC. Wow. So when I go to L.A., I went through a dispensary and the lady was like, I felt like a pussy. because she was like, this is 38%. And I was like, do you have any like 21%?

And she was like, um, I'll look. And then I found like some joints that were 24%. So I was like, wait. So the weed here is stronger than New York? Yeah, the weed in New York's not good. It's not good. Like I'm from Colorado. That's, and I would say Colorado is good,

but it's not as good as the Pacific Northwest. Colorado, it's such a weird state because if you look at the map, it's sort of like the flat screen of states. It's just like a rectangle. And what's crazy about it is it would be so boring if we didn't have the Rockies. It's similar to Calgary. Denver is, I think Calgary is the Denver of Canada. And when you're going through Alberta and it's like how flat and boring it is.

And then you see the Rockies and you go, holy shit is the exact same from when you're driving in from Nebraska into Colorado. You're like, this shit is so flat and shitty. And then you see the mountains. you're like, oh, fuck. It's really cool. But you bolted out of Colorado. You went to New York. I went to Arizona first.

I went to college in Arizona and started doing stand-up there. And then I moved to New York City. You got a couple of degrees, didn't you? I got one. And what? Brought in journalism, writing journalism, which isn't even a thing anymore. Like print journalism. Yeah.

And political science. Well, explain political science. It's nothing. It's just you just learn about different. different like I learned about like I did the Vietnam War was one of my classes for a whole year. I just studied the Vietnam War, which was very interesting. But I wanted to take stuff that I was actually interested in. So I wanted to learn about like John Dewey and like Emmanuel Kant.

That was like other classes that I took like political theory. Who's John Dewey? He's quite the guy. I don't know if he was the one that did the Dewey Decimal system, but he created like a lot of shit. But he did modern political theory, like the idea of like, can a democracy and capitalism exist? He did, I only scratched the surface, so I don't know what I'm talking about.

You don't? And it was, this was like 20 years ago. This was over 20 years ago. John Dewey. Look him up, dude. He sounds like a morning guy. Yeah, hey, it's John Dewey and the Buzzcat. We're coming to be alive from the top of Ireland Mountain.

I just meant he liked the mornings. Oh, I thought you meant he was a morning. No, but that could be alive. A morning ride. But that's a good name for a morning show DJ. DJ, John Dewey. That's actually what I learned more when I was doing all that because I worked in radio. So I was just around morning radio.

But why does it have that? Why do they add science to it? It's political and science. And they want to sound important. But do we need the words? Like, why can you just say I studied politics? Yeah, I don't know. Science seems weird.

And what I learned was that I hated politics. I studied it. And I was like, I fucking hate this shit. You do? Yeah, I didn't want to get into it. I didn't like it. And it's all like, it's all manipulative. Yeah.

Yeah. So when they, you know, when the zombies come. Yeah. It'll be easy to kill the politicians, though, see that are zombies. I wonder if politicians taste worse. Yeah, we'll know that. Spoiled meat. Were you a comp troller?

Yeah. He's like, er, as you're eating. Yeah. You're like, what did you do? City Council? Mm. Is that a hint of mayor I'd attack? Oh.

Oh, you took donations from A-PAC. Oh, God. This congressman is ripe. The meat's all stringy. But then you came to L.A. and you hate L.A. I don't like L.A. Talk to me, guy. What does it you hate about?

Like, the rage and the anger in your eyes. I don't, actually, you know what's funny is I was so, I used to be really anti-L.A. Now I kind of enjoy coming here for like Netflix as a joke festival. It's been fun. Right. But you still hate it. I don't like doing it because I like my life in New York.

What do you hate about L.A. though? The traffic. Everything is 40 minutes to get anywhere. But there's got to be something deeper than just the top stop. There's got to be a psychological, spiritual element to all this. I'll tell you what it is. Traffic is too easy. I moved to New York City.

Right? Loved it. love living in New York. I love everything about it. I do understand people that don't like it because it's a lot. Yeah. But I like having everything at your fingertips. I like being close to everything.

I like the history. When I started doing stand-in, when I moved to New York and was doing stand-up, everyone kept being like, you have to move to L.A. You have to move to L.A. And I was like, I don't want to move to L.A. I like living there.

And they're like, no, no, no, no. You have to move to L.A. And then even people I knew were going, well, you're going to move to L. You're going to get a pilot and you're going to move to L.A. And you're going to be fucking bad, bad, bad. And that's where you see the rage go like, I'm not going to L.A. Yeah, look at that.

But you know what? You're like the white OJ to me. Like, you look ready to kill. Me and my, me and my fiance, do love to go out to dinner. If she leaves her sunglasses, this is going to be, this podcast is going to age terribly. Or it's going to be my best rated. of the look back. You're going to have to do like a whole documentary series,

a look back in this episode. You go, I knew it was coming. I knew it was coming. Yeah, I can see it. No, wait, man. I can't hurt a fly. I can hurt a fly. But I couldn't hurt any much bigger than a fly.

What do you think is the thing you've hurt the most in your life? Myself. Yeah. Just by the way, I think. What do you mean? I don't know. I was pretty mean to myself for a long time. Because you knew you were going to die?

Yeah, well, I was afraid I was going to die. So let me get this in before this idiot kicks out. What would you do to yourself? That's so mean. I don't know. I think I would just be like, shut up, stupid. You know, like just doubt yourself. Did you ever have a doubt?

Wait, let's not turn this around on me. I'm trying to turn around. I can see that. I'm not going to allow it. No. I see the big rig trying to turn in a no-you-turn zone. You know what it'll always get me off topic is truck sounds. I'm not even going to go any deeper.

This is me in the park a lot. You got out of it, dude. You tried to turn it around on me verbally. Did work. Did work. Caught you. Got me. And then the funny, like, big rig noises.

I said, you know what? I'm like, let's switch gears. The air brakes. Oh, dude. You did it. You did. I don't even remember what I was talking. talking to you about.

And you went, oh man, that's a big truck he's turned out. Welcome to Dan and Harlan doing truck noises. That's good. You're going too fast, though. If you got 16, there it is. All right, if you got 16 wheels, you got a little too fast there. There it is. Yeah.

Oh, that was good where it like slides a little. Yeah. I always equated to it makes the whale noises. Like some of these trucks, it sounds like, That's good. Sounds like humpback whales mating. And we're both highway, men. Yeah.

We're both on the travel. Sure are. Got right there. How about right fucking there? I love the way you weasled out of that. I was just about to go psychologically into your pain and how you hurt yourself. And then just so easily I got distracted by trucky noises. Sorry, brother.

We're at the big tea. We're at the big tea sucking seven ups. Fuck. Sucking cans of butt, sucking butthole can. Yeah, and if I go back to it now, it's lackluster. Like, you've had time to strategize. There really isn't anything to get into. Oh, so we're going back to it?

I don't mind. When you say you hurt yourself, you were just demeaning to yourself mentally. Like, hey, you can't do this. You're an idiot. That's not for you. She's not going to like you. 100%. So self-defeating.

Yes. Oh, okay. Yeah. Never physically hurt myself. What made you climb out of that? Do you think comedy helped get you out of that? increase your confidence or love forget comedy love yeah where'd the love come from my fiance i think is that right yeah she was she's just we started dating and she was like really mean to yourself

she noticed it yeah she's like you stop being mean to yourself and i was like oh yeah and i tried and then it felt better is that right yeah for real 100 for real and where do you think that intuition came from her she's obviously smart but she's very smart so what what do you think she just noticed it she was like what you're really cool why you do that to yourself and i was like I'm so an idiot. She's like, you're not an idiot, though. Like, I hang out with you. You're not an idiot.

Was that the best feeling in the world to be self-deprecating and a woman, a beautiful woman who you thought, oh, let's go to a movie, let's date, let's have a drink. We'll have fun. But here she's sort of rescuing your soul to a degree. Your spirit. 100%. And now I see why you must have fallen madly in love with that.

Absolutely. Oh, that's beautiful. Yeah, very in love with her. She's the best. Oh, my God. Yeah, because she was like, hey, like you. Don't be mean to yourself. And I was like, wow. I go,

I went, get in this truck. No, we can't do the truck. I said, we're getting there. Don't do the truck yet. You know what I did? You know what I did? I leaned over. I leaned over. I opened the door and she got on and then the truck bounced because of the hydraulics. You know, she got on. Yeah. We bounced a little and I went, let me show you how this thing moves.

And then you know what I let her do? What? And did you do this when she did it? Yeah. Pull your shirt up? Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

And she went like that. Oh, yeah. Yeah. She hit it again for me. Wow. When she like kind of submitted these observations to you. Yeah. Was that the first time a partner, an intimate partner, I'd ever gone to that depth to kind of recognize that in you?

Yeah. There was only one other person that I dated. and when we were breaking up, she said, can you stop being mean to yourself? That was the first time I ever heard it, but that was before I dated my fiance. And then my fiance, without knowing that story, without ever knowing that someone said that to me,

it was like, you're really mean to yourself. And I was like, okay, so this is a real thing. Because when I went to the breakup, I was like, I think that's just something you might say to somebody. Yeah, to throw an arrow, yeah. Yeah, absolutely. But then when Katie said it, I was like, oh, you're like, you're right.

You're absolutely right. Yeah. And then it felt really good. You know what it felt at first? Yeah. Itchy. You know when you're like uncomfortable? Yeah.

And you're like, stop, stop, stop. And then you're like, when you relax and you're like, oh yeah, you're right. It's interesting because sometimes in today's world where, you know, people kind of cut and run quickly, I could see a woman recognizing that trade in you and going, oh, this guy's all kinds of issues. He doesn't like himself. He's being mean to himself. I don't want to put in the time. Yeah, absolutely.

And was that a factor in going, wow, this girl's taking the time to sort of uncover something that maybe isn't a positive, but she's helping me deal with that. Yeah, I think she's really, really smart, and I think she saw, I was in therapy, so I was already working on myself.

Yeah, yeah. And so she went, oh, well, he's working on himself. And she's just very, she notices a lot. Yeah. She just notices stuff. She's like Seinfeld. She's intuitive. She was like, why are you so mean to yourself?

Yeah, yeah. Why are you scratching yourself all the time? Unless you have psoriasis, get a fucking therapist. I don't know. Do politicians taste weird? I don't know. I've never had a politician. But it was, she noticed it.

And once she noticed it, I was like, oh, let me try it. Yeah. This is like during COVID when we were living together. And I was like, oh, it does actually work. And I feel better about myself. And I feel. Wow. And it's like, because I trust her.

Yeah. I really do. And I love her. And so it was just like, oh, this is, it feels really cool. Did something like that take the love up to another level? Yeah. Because you, you had this nurturing sort of. So to tie it all together.

Yeah. It brought it up to another level. But then what that brought up was me worrying even more of like, now I have someone I'm going to lose. Like, I don't want to lose. Like, I don't want her to get sick. I don't want to hurt it. Oh, so that doubled the. Yeah.

She got in the pool She got in the fucking scared pool Oh no I was paddling a one I went don't get in here It's pretty And then she She's like I love you

And it was like And then now we're just swimming In this worry pool Well she's not I am But does she help you get out of that at all? Yeah she goes stop doing that She goes it's pointless You're just you're worrying about something

That's not going to happen 90% of the time She's great She's very very smart And she knows me really well I know her really well It's great How long have you guys been together? Seven years.

Oh, yeah, that's great, man. Yeah. And you're engaged, obviously. When's the big day? I don't know. We haven't planned it. But she just started looking at wedding dresses. So on the horizon.

Wow. Congrats, bud. Thanks, dude. That's great. Yeah, I love it. That's why when people are like, why don't you like coming to L.A.? It's like, well, I want to go home and be with your girl. Yeah.

You live together. Yeah, we live together. We got a dog. We have a great life. Wow. Yeah, it's just cool. What's the, what's? She, like, loves sports.

She's really sports. smart and she's crazy funny she's like she is yeah she's very very funny is she has an emmy oh so she's in the biz yeah she had a show on fox sports called uh garbage time and i used to be a guest on it and stuff katie nolan she rules oh yeah katie is she ever funer her podcast when you're in new york i should yeah do you like you're canadian you like sports you like hockey you talk hockey all day she's a bruin's fan oh man yeah is she ever funnier than you yeah and is there Does anything spike? Like, is there any sort of competitive thing where you go, oh, she's funnier than me?

No, I go. Not all the time, but here and there. No, I'll tell her when something happens. I go, God damn, that could be a bit. Like, she'll come up with something that's so funny that I'm like, that's a fucking bit, dude. She's crazy funny. I love it. It's honestly, my favorite thing is just like hanging out how much she makes me laugh.

Really? Yeah, we have a great time. And vice versa, right? Yeah. You make her laugh. Oh, yeah. It's great. My friend Joe List, who's one of my...

Yeah, Joe. Yeah, Joe List. Him and his wife are very similar. Like, you watch him hang out and you go, oh, damn, you guys like love hanging out with each other. Yeah, yeah. They have like inside jokes. They're very...

Sarah Talamash. His wife is fucking hilarious. Yeah. And watching them two make each other laugh. You're like, oh, it's cool, man. It's real positive. Yeah. Because, you know, at the Netflix festival,

I've been in a couple after parties and guys have been like, yeah, you know, fuck. Yeah, got to go. home or whatever and I'm like oh dude I like I like I'm upset I'm here yeah talking to you yeah like I want to feel it I want to go home I can feel it I'm not talking about you I'm talking about that I can feel it on me too I'm jealous no no but it is but then that also is why I'm so worried that anything will happen to her and then you know I can slap on a dress or a comfortable jumpsuit yeah that would be nice could what colors her hair

brown so we could die yours Honestly, though, the time we have left, I don't think we could get you there. Okay. Where I could honestly... I just want you to be happy. Oh, I'm happy, man. Okay.

I'm happy because I'm going home in a day. So I'm like, this is... And also, it makes doing fun stuff like this even more fun. Because I go, oh, I go out, and then I return going home. Yeah. And I go, and I got to do Harlan's podcast. Yeah, dude. And have a great time.

Oh, dude. So it is... Yeah. Well, I'm glad you're working through it. I'm glad you're getting through it. through all that fear of death. It's funny because it's inevitable. Yeah.

We all think about death, but I sort of just go, my kind of counter to that is I think about life. I like that. And I just go, you know what? I don't have as much time left as I used to. So every day I'm just going to celebrate living and life. And not think about the other side.

I honestly. Yeah. In the same way I didn't understand. understand being mean to myself when I was younger. I was like, what do you mean to be a mean to myself? I'm an idiot. I'm not being mean. I'm a fucking idiot.

That's why it's wrong. I agree with you. It's like my, like I need to flip it. I need to go, I'm past 40. Just enjoy. We're on the downhill now. Put your hands up. Yeah.

It's all this. It's all downhill. Can I give you a little exercise to try? Sure. When you wake up in the morning. I do every morning. Right when you put your feet on the floor for the first time, just say this out loud. Man,

Another day, I'm blessed to be here. I love it. Okay. Like, just say that quick thing out loud, and you'll be amazed how much that washes over you and sets the tone for your whole day. I know this sounds crazy, but vocalizing stuff? Out loud, yeah. Very, even if it might just be the placebo effect.

Yeah. But even that can help you where I go, I'm going to have a hell of it. Because that's what I said when I came out here, I go, dude, I'm a week of fun stuff. Yeah. And then I go home. Yeah. And I got the weekend off so I can just relax. Well, you know what's good about verbalizing it too is because to think it takes minimal energy.

Sure. But when you verbalize it, when you vocalize those words, your body has to work and emit noise and generate engine. It's almost like a plane engine starting up. They start low. It's like, he. Yeah, dude. We knew we were going to get to an engine again. We had to get to another engine.

You knew we were going to get to an engine. But when you were, like if you just woke up, it goes, Yeah. Yeah. Bum, boom, bown, bown, bown, pownown, pown, pown. Say it really nice stuff. Be it really good to yourself.

Oh, wow. Be it really nice. You're going to have a really good thing. I'm just close to eating you. Like, that is really delicious. being nice to yourself. I'm going to eat you if you don't stop. You're not in the danger zone.

You are. You're being nice to eat you. I'm going to eat you alive. Pop, bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb.

But my point is that when you, like, say this is my inner voice, okay? I'm not really speaking, but just, I'll even try to do it with my mouth shut,

like a ventriloquist. So I wake up, I put my feet on the ground, oh, today's going to be a great day. And so last day. alive, this is going to be great. So that's me thinking it, which is easy.

Sure. But then when you put your feet on the ground and you have to start the engine and put energy out into the universe, you go, man, what a great day. I'm blessed to be alive here. Let's have fun. Let's do it. And it creates momentum. It puts

energy into the world and it starts the days like engine. I also think it's pretty valuable. This is what I'm going to do. I'm not saying the people at home need to do this. I'm going to put my arms up as I say it because I think the physical act is going like,

hey, what a great day. I'm lucky to be alive. Today's going to rule. Dude, I want, that's called you're going to Shawshank Redemption. Yes. Like, please do that. I am.

I think you'll notice such a difference. And I know you're at home going, oh, they're doing some rifts. Oh, they're doing some rifts and bits. This is real. I'm going to text to you tomorrow when I do it and be like, Harlan, I did it. And honestly, what a day.

Yeah. What a day. And you know what else it does for me is it's when you say it out loud, it's almost like you hear a voice and it's almost telling you to have a good day. And it's sort of like almost puts a wall up to any negative energy. Yeah. Or a negative thought. And it says, oh, I've set the template. And here we go.

You'll listen to yourself. Yeah, you will. You go, yeah, you're right, me. It is a great day. Yeah. Hey, me. Yeah. The Ultimate Podcast co-host.

Yourself. Your brain. That's what life is. It's just a lawn podcast. Yeah. That's what I call Meals sponsor breaks. Oh, yeah. I go, this is sponsored by protein.

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get rid of that ED, that kind of dibble-dabble in the bedroom, and let's get going with hymns. Yeah. I almost got McDonald's last night. Talk to me, guy. I love McDonald's. Talk to me, deep.

But I was at the comedy store. It was very late. Yeah. You know, the festival's in town, so it's a little overwhelming. There's a lot of people. I smoked a little weed, and I was like, okay, I got to get out of here.

I haven't ate dinner yet. But then Story Wars, which you've done. I'm doing it tonight. Yeah. It's so fun. I don't even know how to do it. They haven't told me. You haven't played it yet?

No, I don't even know how it goes. Harlan, you're going to have a hell of a time. It's very, very fun. Okay. But they had in the green room tacos, a taco place. So I went into that I had about five tacos. Five. And I was like, no, McDonald's tonight.

But I almost got McDonald's. Dude, what do you get at McDonald's? Talk to me. I get a Big Mac meal. I get a number one large sized with a Sprite. And then I get a filet a fish sandwich. You're a filial fish guy? If I'm with Katie, I won't because she has a very strong sense of smell.

She hates the smell. I already got my fish. You know what I mean? No. No, but I'll get a quarter pounder with cheese. Wait, this beautiful girl that did all this psychological self-worth work on you. And now you can't get the sandwich you want? Out of respect.

I can't. I leave this girl in a minute. This woman is toxic. This woman is. Get away. When they don't let you order what you want a McDonald's. It's like goodbye. Well, no, she does.

But a lot of the times we eat McDonald's on road trips. And so where I agree with her is, when you eat the filet of fish in a car, it sticks around. Yeah. It's not just one and done. You know what I mean? And so I, because I love her, I go, let me just get a quarter pounder. You're so considerate. Well, I can't.

Amber, bring in my dress. Like, dude. Yes, dude. I can be. I think, am I falling in love with you this podcast? I hope not because I'm going to have to put you down real easy. Yeah, you're engaged. And clearly in love.

But you're the one doing it. I'm not looking to be in love, but the way you're talking, the way you're charming me, how do I not fall in love? I'm just out here promoting it. I'm promoting the idea because I think there's not a lot of it out there right now. And I think Q3, I think Q3 could be real big. Is Q3 code for seduction? Because that's what I'm feeling right now.

Now, what is Q3? Are you Q3 in me right now? Are you C3POing me? Wait, C3PO, R2D2 is the... No, that's your proctologist. Yeah. And when he does that, I talk to it. The way Luke talks to R2D2, he goes,

I go, so my prostate is all right. You forced a little pee out of there when you did that. He pushed pee out of me one time. He pushed on my prostate and little pee came out of you. And I went, oh, and he goes, did you pee a little? And I went, yeah, dude. Almost like he knew what he was doing. I say R2, you shit your circuits.

Evaporators, you just pushed my prostate. I say R2, get your probe out of my robot anus. Have you ever? Have you ever? I'm not like the other robots. Have you ever watched? Wait, wait, before. Hold that thought.

Okay. Please, can I interrupt? I got to know. Don't forget it, but I don't want to get past this. I don't know many people who like filial fish. I'm not condemning you, but what in the H.J. Christ kind of fish is in the filial fish. It's cod.

It's cod, which isn't a great fish. What? Cod's a huge fish. It's not a, it's a bottom dweller. It's a bottom feeder. so it usually is eating like the shit on the ground of wherever it is. Yeah, but so are catfish and they're delicious. They are.

I'm not saying cod's not delicious. I'm just saying. Are you sure it's cod? We'd have to look it up. I'm pretty sure it's cod. I also read an article one time that McDonald's buys better fish than most restaurants because they buy so much of it. Wait, okay.

I have to think about that. So they buy a ton of fish so they actually get decent fish. Because it's such a large corporation. No, I need to think on this for a second. Will you give me a minute to think? 100%. And I don't mean to be rude, but can you shut your pie hole while I think? Pollock.

Amber? What kind of fish is McDonald's using in filial fish? Come in? Come in? Alaskan Pollock? Say it again? Alaskan Pollock. What's Alaskan Pollock?

I thought it was con. It's a garbage fish. Oh, no. You want a bottom dweller after you've eaten pollen. Damn it. Why did I? I got misinformation. You've been fucked over hard, guy.

Am I done with filet? Did the tartar sauce? Ronald McDonald just bent you over and, you. I said, I am like other girls. I said, I'm just like all the rest. I'm not like the other fillets. I said, just put a filet fish up my butt.

This might retire me. Yeah, you've just been ham. burglar, dude. Damn, put the bread on it, so good. The buns. Amber, give us a readout. If you can look up Pollock and tell us about what kind of caliber of fish it is. Am I ruining this for you?

It's probably, it was probably time to. And I don't know if you were reciprocating, falling in love with me. I was. I feel like I might have just ruined our love. For a little bit. With a pollock. For a little bit. Did you just puke?

Yeah, out of my mouth. What did it taste like? Pollock. Oh, no, it tastes like coffee. Belonging to the coffee. Wait a minute. Now we're back in. Are we both right?

I think we're both right. I think we're in love again. Ding. Chee. We're not like the other fish. Oh, we're back in. And now it's all connected. The beauty of the universe.

Isn't that weird? The beauty of the universe. You said cod. I said Pollock. You say cod. I said Pollock. Let's throw up and make a jack. in Paula.

Wow. Let's call the whole thing off. Oh. Okay, so I interrupted you, and I'm glad I did. That was important for our love. It was, and now our love is back on track. Now, do you remember what you were going to ask me? Probably not.

Oh, no. No, it was about an SNL sketch. It wasn't important. Yeah, that's not important. Nobody cares about that. No one cares about that. What I want to talk to you about is yet another, because I know you're like a news guy.

Because when I did your podcast, we were like talking about all these news topics. Yeah. And I loved it. And I thought, I got to have at least a few like news topics for the player. Sure, for the playboy.

So the new iPhone, they're coming out with yet another one. And the big contention is, and I got to hear your take on this. Oh, the camera's got 24 more pixels. The camera's going to be better. Once again,

it's the camera. This is how... Talk to me. This is how they get you, is that you don't need it anymore. Right. You don't need... It's what Oreo did. Oreo, we were fine with you as a cookie, and then you double-stuffed it.

And we thought it was cute, and we liked it. Yeah. And then you kept double-stuffing it. And now you're like, get out of here. Yeah. Just go back to being an Oreo. Yeah. iPhone, I don't...

I'm not a photographer. I want a decent photo with people I run into. Yeah. That's all I need. I don't need you to make me fucking Ansel Adams. I'm not trying to take a... By the way, Ansel Adams did my wife's headshots. She's a fat girl.

Whoa, damn. She's a little tiny adobe church on a cliff. You're the only one who's going to get that joke. She's just a tiny little church on a cliff. How fat's your wife? Ansel Adams did her head shots. I feel like that's a Dennis Miller. I don't know.

I don't mean to go off on a rancher babe. But Ansel Adams. make dead our headshot. Yeah. For those of you that don't know, because now we got to, because it's such a niche. Ansel Adams?

Do I have to explain it? You have looked at Ansel Adams' work while you're peeing. He's a master of taking huge landscapes. Yes. And capturing them. How many times have you taken a picture and you go, oh, look, it's Yosemite and you take a picture and it just doesn't, it feels small,

but Ansel somehow was able to capture the volume and the girth of a landscape. and you're just like, holy crap. So the joke is my wife is so fat that Ansel Adams had to take her picture. That's also why I say you probably peed looking at it because a lot of the times you're in a bathroom pissing. You look at the bottom corner and go, oh, Ansel Adams. You're right. You look at the thing.

You're right. Oh, that's cool. You're right. I've taken a lot of, I think it was primarily dumps at my friend Mike's house growing up. Dude. I poo. He might be watching. Hey, foo, Jack.

Dude, do you want to do a confessional? Sorry. Hey, dude, when you spend the night at a friend's house in high school. Tell him, not me. I pooped at your house when I was spending the night. I'm sorry. Yeah, but it sounds like you did it a lot. How many times?

Under him. Under five. More than three. Okay. I thought you made you did it all the time. No, I just spent a lot of time. This is before cell phones. So you had to look at stuff.

I picture you talking into a piece of poo. Yeah. Before cell phones, I talked into my... Or just pressing my turd. Yeah. But before... But before the phone, you would read Glade bottles. Oh, yeah.

Or you would just look at an insulin photo. When you're on the turlet. Yeah. And now you just look at your phone and the blue light sucks you in. But back then you would like look at a photo in a bathroom. Oh, yeah. And then you'd be like, oh, look at that. The gates open.

Oh, the gates open. That's like, you'd notice. stuff in the picture where you go, oh look, that cliff has a molder on it. Are you acting pooing? Yeah. You're a poo actor. I'm a poo actor. I'm a Winnie the poo actor.

I'm not like other bears. Is there any more toilet paper? Oh, silly old... Mr. Rabbit. Silly old bear. I seem to be looking at your tree stump when I take a poop. Oh, stuff and fluff. Well, I can't poop.

I've got constipation. Thanks for noticing me. Thanks for notice that I can't take a poop. Is there any more X-lax? Mr. Rabbit? That is good. That's a pretty good poo. Is that a good poo?

Oh, silly old bear. Yeah. Mr. Rabbit. Look at us. Pooing all over the place. We're pooing on each other, dude. I've got myself some more honey. Mr. Barabin.

Are you going to gay pride today? Christopher Robin, why do you say that you're going to kill everyone at your school? Why didn't you tell everyone they're going to pay? You think Christopher Robin, imagine a shooter in his little rubber boots and a yellow raincoat? Yeah. Oh, yeah, dude. Those cartoons still hold up. Christopher Robin.

Yeah. Don't shoot, please. I say do them. Do them all. than do yourself. Ah, Iior, if you could shut the fuck up, please. Well, that's why you need

explosive. Hoo-hoo! Blu-bo-up! The wonderful thing about triggers. A trick is a wonderful thing. He told me not to come to school today. He said, stay home.

I'm just a little black rain cloud. I'm going to make everyone pay. You're all going to just see how much you pay. Piglet, don't shoot me because he stuttered so long. He can't stop it. He goes, and then he's out. He deserved it.

You should have studded more. You cleft-lipped pig. He wrote a manifesto. I couldn't read it. Dude, I think we're both just really, I think we're going to hell now. No. Yeah, for that. Me and you. Our arm mill would never.

Our art milled, yeah. But back to the iPhone. Why do they need another camera? Well, this is what I'm saying. Unless they can invent a new color that we can't, we've never seen, like, then I'll get it. But at this point, it's like, all they talk about is how advanced and crystal clear and how optic this stupid iPhone. At this point, like, I want to see them pluck the eye out of an evil. or a fucking owl and stick it in the stick it right here.

That would be sick. Like a raw fucking eye. That would be sick. From a predatory bird that can see from then. Then I'll buy your stupid phone. I don't want a phone with AI on it. And all the phones now have to have AI. They do?

Yeah, you like can't opt out of it. You can't be like, hey, can I get a phone without AI? And like, especially in iPhone. They're like, no. After this, it comes with Apple AI. And you're like, I don't want it on my phone. Why?

Because they're fucking pushing it on everybody. But is it, does it threaten you somehow? I think it is, it used to threaten me. And now I think it's more of like clearly something's a sham about it. Something's going on that they're like, it's either setting us up as a species or it's. You are threatened. It doesn't. Well, it's like college kids now don't use courses without AI, without like using AI for their, for their, for their

schoolwork and you're like, I don't know about that. What about intercourses? Oh, using AI, putting it in your dildo, and now your dildo's sentient. What'd you call me? I didn't call you anything. They called a sex toy, commonly referred to, as a dildo. Oh, stuff and fluff. There's no way that dildo's going to go all the way in my honeyhole.

Is there any more honey? Do you have any more honey? Christopher Robin. Please don't put your... Please don't put your dildo on while you're wearing your boots. Oh, no. Silly old bear. You are going to hell.

I thought the shooter thing you were going to burning in the brimstone, but now you are. Check my prostate. Oh, you're not like other doctors. Oh. God. I'm not even going to get into the kids book Where the Wild Things Are. That what a great movie that's by. Jones did. You liked it?

I watched it once and I enjoyed it. It was my first kid's book, Where the Wild Things Are. Okay, so you had more... Well, I was, I was like, I love the premise, I love the imagination, and then the movie just felt long and beleaguered and a bit too, like it was all, they sort of did

this whole thing where they mingled it with a child's therapy session. Yeah, that's what was, it took me out of it. Where the Wild Things are as a book is just fun, it's great, there's like a little danger, there's a little bit of that. It's a kid. Kids' imagination, and they made it like too therapeutic and too heavy.

I think what I did like was seeing the monsters from the book. Oh, yeah, that was cool. I was like, oh, that's so cool. But I wanted them to be playful and have fun and go on an adventure, not deal with a boy's depression and the divorce of his parents. Because that was what the whole movie was about. Yeah, that's like watching Winnie the Pooh and Christopher Robin do a school shooting. No one wants to watch that.

No one wants that. And then wasn't James... Especially not us. Wasn't James Gandalfini one of the guys? He's like, I don't know. Yeah, he's just Tony Soprano. Yeah, I'm one of the fucking wild things, all right. I'll fucking crush your head with a fucking Cinderblock.

I wish I could do a good Tony Subbrano. That's why your fucking parents are getting divorced. Yeah. Because you're a fucking loser. And he's like, I don't know. This feels like you're too wild of a thing. Yeah, yeah. But I, yeah, the book ruled.

I'm trying to think if they ever did a good night moon, that would probably. Oh. Was that Maurice Sendak as well? I don't know. He did where the wild things are. No, he didn't do Good Night Moon. Good Night Moon was for babies. Isn't Good Night Moon on the menu at Denny's?

No, it's the moon over my hammy. Okay, same no difference to me. Don't do that to that book. Snob. Do not do that to that book. That book is an elite child's book. And you know that. Oh, I think I got under your feathers there.

But you knew that. Okay, now I'm going to say it's a shitty Denny's scrambled eggs bullshit thing. And now we both know you're lying. And anyone watching at home knows the importance of goodnight moon. And honestly, Harlan, you keep this up. I'm going to start saying goodnight to stuff in this room. And then I'm going to say goodnight to you. Wow.

And then I'm going to leave. Whoa, we don't want that. Okay. Easy there, Gorgonzola. Good night light post. I'm starting. Okay, well, okay. It's starting.

Go back to the technology. Good night bookcase. No. It's starting. Back to the technology. I'm going to work my way around the room. And you will get goodnighted. Please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please.

When you get goodnighted, it's fucking over. Good night. Good night, red truck. Wow, you are going around the room. Good night, camera three. Wow. Starting. Good night camera two.

Don't do mine. Good night, YouTube. black. Don't do Mike. Don't do camera one. Good night, fun light switch. Don't do camera one. Good night. Twelve pack of seven up under the small refrigerator. Anyways, we can keep talking about stuff. Well, I want to wind it down to the robots now.

I don't like it. Okay. See, see. I don't like robots. Because my contention is that everyone said I don't like cell phones. I don't like fax machines. I don't like the internet. Everyone was like, no, never, I will never do it. And now we can't live without it. And for a guy like you saying, I don't like robots, which is fair. I'm going to have to go on a robot podcast in five years and apologize.

Not apologize, but I think we're going to be a civilization, a culture where we're all going to have them as commonly as we have cell phones. Until the day comes where you wake up in bed before you do your mantra, you feel a cold robot hand on your three. wrote and you go, what happened? And it's like, we have decided to take over. And you go, I was going to say it was a great day today. And they go, not on my time. This is your last day. Good night, moon.

And then they crush your windpipe. Wow. Yeah, I figure things could go wrong because Elon's painted this picture where they're going to do our dishes, fold our clothes, cook our food, order our supplies. And I think it's all going to work, Dan, until that one day when you're at work, Your robot's doing all this stuff. He's on the computer ordering your supplies, and it's all working until that security screen comes up,

and it says, I am not a robot? And he goes, am I a robot? And you go, I didn't want to tell you this. Am I a robot? You are. And then robot suicide. Yeah, you come home at the end of the day, and your 30,000 robots just hanging from the ceiling fan.

It's like, Control alt delete. Control alt delete. Control alt delete. I'm not like the other robots. He, he. Cheap. Chee. Chee.

She. Shee. Tracy. Dresie. Dres. Remember 2001 of Space Odyssey? Yeah, dude. Hal?

Yeah, Hal. I can't let you do that. Was his name Hal or was the astronaut Hal? He was, the system was called Hal. That ran everything. Hal, I need you to open the door for me. I'm sorry. I can't do that, asshole.

That's what it's going to be, where it's going to be. where it's going to be like, you're trapped in here, or it's just going to be Elon's voice. It's going to be like, hey, sorry, you can't go out in the hallway. It's super cool out there. Rafflecopter. It's real weird out there. Every time he talks and always like.

Wait, that's Elon? That's how he sounds to me. Sounds like this. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. It's pretty good Elon. Yeah.

I don't know if that's a good Elon. I don't know who that is. It's Elon. Elon's all like this. Oh, good night, camera one. You can get mad at me because I didn't say good night to camera one. Elon did. Good night.

Cut in the hut. You're right, it does suck. Yeah, it really sucks. It's like B-52 Rock Lobster. A rock lobster. Yeah. Like, you're great at impressions, but that's the worst one I've ever heard.

And let's talk about it. Okay, talk to me. Why did you think it was so good when clearly it was a lemon? Because I don't think it was lemon. You're fighting it. It was 11. You already said, yeah.

You know what? It was a lemon. Yeah, like, What part of that did you think sounded like Elon, Dan? Because usually when you do a quick Elon, a little sample size Elon, is this, USA, USA. That is how he said it. Check the tape. Put the lines over the lines.

I'll wait. Dan. All wait. Did you ever see the Titanic? All wait. It sunk. All wait. Your Elon is sinking.

Go bring up. Your Elon just hit an ice park. Go bring up him. Go bring up him at the rally. USA USA It sounds exactly I think that's the guy

From Silence of the Lamb Would you fuck me? I would fuck me There you go Hey Can you help me With my couch real quick Now do Elon

As that guy I just You know I'm very excited About Starlink I think it's gonna give the internet To everybody

Everybody's gonna be Go into Mars Would you go to Mars I'd go to Mars She puts the Tesla in the garage You put the plug in the Tesla so it charges the car. I never, dude, Buffalo, Elon?

I never thought about Buffalo, Elon. You saved it, guy. Would you charge me? I'd charge me. I'd charge me so hard. He's like, he goes, oh, Mars is a big red planet. Hey, would you mind helping me with my electric car? I broke my arm.

Buffalo Elon. Silence of the Teslas. Was she a great big fat Tesla? Was she a great big gas guzzler? Don't you hurt my dog? Don't you hurt him? Oh, dude, you saved it. This is what he does.

I am so cool. I'm bad to myself now. See, this is sort of what I felt like your girlfriend a little bit there. Because I was honest about you hurting yourself with that. lemon. We talked about it. You dove deep into your comedy soul. You resurrected the humor and you saved it.

Phoenix. You phoenixed. Buffalo Elon. By the way, that is going to make me laugh later, just alone in my hotel room being like, oh, wait,

was it a great big gas truck? I don't know. Yes, sir. I guess you could call her that. That's always so funny. Who's that? That's Jody Foster and she goes, well,

she's a great big fat person. Oh, yeah. And she goes, yes, sir, she was a big girl. That's,

I always think that's so funny. Did you ever notice and I don't want to ruin that movie for you? Sure. I'm just, let me just play it in my mind. Yeah.

I think it was, do you love that movie? Because this is going to wreck it. It's a great movie. It's not like my favorite movie, but it's a good movie. I don't know how this happened. Sure.

But I'm a detail-oriented guy. guy. Obviously. If you watch Silence of the Lambs back again, and to all of you, I'm going to wreck it. Throughout the movie, Jody Foster's right eye has a giant red vein

going from her iris to the side of her eye, and all through the movie, if you watch that movie ever again, you will just see her stupid red, vainy eye. I don't know why they didn't have eye drops on the set. Could, so maybe... Wow, it's

Brutal. She could have, now here's my theory. There's no evidence behind this or anything like that. She might have had an eye injury. She might have had, like, been training for the sequence where she's going to be at the FBI thing and, like, hurt her eye. Yeah. Well, we can't push off filming. We need to film.

She might have been a magic fairy. What I'm telling you is there's a giant red vein all through silence of the lambs. Wait, wait, what's up with your eye? That's what he says in the movie. He has, she's a great big fat. Fuck that fat bitch. What happened to your eye? Did so-and-so live here?

Hang on a second. Let me get you some clareton. You ever tried clarendon? Do you remember those Ben Stein commercials where he would make the volleyball all white? Those were great. Isn't it weird? He used to work with Jimmy Kimmel.

Wait. He's just dripping clarity all over him. I can see clearly now. The rain is gone. I don't need lotion when I have clarendon. I am so nice to myself. I am very nice to myself. Was this therapeutic for you today, do you think?

It was for me too. Yeah. We have one final segment we do with every guest, buddy. This has been a pleasure, dude. Thanks for being here. It's been an absolute pleasure. This is called Words from a Wooden Shoe. Love it.

It's a random Dutch clog inside a random words. You pull one out, see if it triggers a story from any part of your journey. journey in life. Your story, someone you knew, something you heard. See what we get, guy. Squirrels. There we go. Also, uh, East Coast people, especially New Yorkers, love to call them squirrels. Huh? Squirrel. Squirrel. Squirrels. Scuarl. Where they go squirrels? Oh, where she's a squarral. Were she a tiny little squirrel. Squirrel. Are you adding a letter? Yeah, I don't know. It's not me that does it. It's these fucking...

But I just heard you do it. Yeah, I was mimicking them. But it sounds like it's squawor. You're adding a W. This makes me think of my fiance. She's my little squirrel. My tiny little squirrel with a big bushy tail. Now, I was walking my dog one time.

Yeah. It's when we used to live in New Jersey. And the squirrels would run along the fence, like, talking shit to my dog. Yeah. I promise you. Yeah. My dog would be looking at him,

and the squirrels would be running along the tops of the fence. Yeah. You know, they'd just get through a place and bike. But they were clearly antagonizing my dog because my dog was like, what the fuck you want to do? And one time I walked my dog back from the dog park, Katie had COVID, so she was like isolated in the bedroom. Ew.

I know. Dump her. No. And then she was upstairs isolated by herself. And because I was going on the road, I had to sleep on the couch. But I walked our dog, I took our dog to the dog park, and I brought her back. And there was a squar, a squarrow. right out by the tree.

And my dog's on the leash and I go, what are you going to get the squirrel? Go ahead. And so she goes and then she puts her head around the tree and comes back with the squirrel in her mouth. And I go, what are you doing? And she looks at me and she goes, like that.

Like does the death shake? And I go, drop it, drop it. And she just goes like that. And the squirrel lands, frozen with fear. And I get my dog away from it. And I go upstairs. And Katie heard,

me yelling from the apartment. And she was like, what happened down there? And I was like, Myrtle got a squirrel. She got a squirrel in her mouth. And Katie went, she tried to tell him. She was like, she was letting him know. You keep talking shit. I'm like, do something.

She got him. So then I went downstairs to clean up the body because I thought. Oh, it killed it. So I go downstairs. And I go out front in the squirrel. I'm like, I opened the door to the apartment building. And I'm walking up to the squirrel. And another guy in his dog are walking.

and the scroll like, oh, like I watch it go like, huh, and then just run back up the tree. It came back? Yeah, just like, it was like in a freeze, like a fear freeze. Like a like a possum, they played dead. I was in shock. Yeah, it was in shock. So it lived.

It lived. It was a happy ending. Yeah, it was fine. But it was really funny. My dog was so pumped in the elevator. She was like, she thought she was like, how fucking cool was that? I'm a hunter. Yeah.

Yeah. Lupus, Kainus Lupus. Wolf. It reminded me of it reminded me like, after your friend gets into a fight and they're like, yeah, yeah. You're like, all right, yeah. You're like, all right, calm down,

but she was in the elevator like, let's fucking go. Yeah, and had no way of knowing that she did nothing. And I couldn't tell her. Couldn't tell her. I still let her walk around the apartment like she's a little killer.

If you ever get mad at her, if one day she rips the stuffing out of the couch and you just get, by the way, the squirrel lived, look out the window. And the squirrel's just in the tree, like, I'm not like other squirrels.

I don't normally do a follow-up on the wooden shoe. That's usually the end of the show. But at the beginning, when you started into your story, if you watched the tape back, I started laughing. And the beginning of your story wasn't funny because you were setting the story up. I started laughing because I remembered a squirrel story that is so funny to me.

Yeah. And then we're going to wrap it up. Okay. So when I lived in Toronto still, I lived in like a six-story shitty apartment and outside my, we had a balcony. And outside the balcony was like, you know, grass and trees and everything. And there's squirrels all the time. Yeah. So we were moving.

I was prepping to move to L.A. And I sort of wanted to get rid of stuff. And I'm not a garage sale guy. I just like, I just like doing things in an odd manner. Sure. So I had this clock radio, one of those clocks. red and didn't work that great anymore. And so I went on on the balcony and I just swung the thing by the cord and I threw it. You know, and when you throw something off the sixth floor, it's got an arc. It gets distance. So I threw it out into the grass.

I'm not aware there was a squirrel running out. No. So the squirrel starts walking out into the grass. the radio lands on the grass like this close to it and this squirrel because he's already in motion he jumps in the air you know how they jump in it but at the same time the clock radio bounced in the air and so here was this squirrel and this it was almost like the matrix this squirrel in this clock radio were floating in synchronicity

and then the thing landed and took off well that squirrel in the air was like this thing can jump too the squirrel was like The squirrel does the jump to get away from it. So it goes, oh, I'm away from it. But then the clock radio followed it. And it was like, ah.

So trying to get away in air. I wish we could have gotten a super slow-mo frame of it to watch its little hands go like, no, no, no, no, no. And it was so funny because, you know, this thing's lived in a world of trees and grass and nature. And here it is in synchronicity with a piece of technology. And it's like, it's just like 345 and it's like, what does that mean? Just the zero, zero, zero blinking.

It's like, oh, someone hit the snooze on this thing. I also think that's how we feel is robots. That's how I feel. I understand that squirrel. Yeah. Because that's technology. USA. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Um, Dan, before you go, buddy, please let the folks know where they can see your stand up. If you have any specials, any books, this is your moment. my guy. Check out my YouTube special on the road from 2024. You can watch my HBO special from 2019, son of a Gary

on HBO Max. DanSoter.com for live dates. I got a bunch of club dates up, working the new hour. And listen to my podcast Soder. Thank you for having me. Dude, what a tasty treat. That was very fun. Any parting words of wisdom before we go, big guy?

Thank you for having me. And daily affirmations. Let's get them going. Are you really going to do it? I'm really going to do it. My man. I'm not like other podcast guests.

No, you're not. Folks, that's it for today. You've been on the Holland Highway podcast. My special guest, Dan Soder, check out his comedy. Go to his shows. That's all we have time for today. Thank you so much.

Until next time, Chicken Chalman. Baby. Yeah. You say that again? A little more enthusiasm? That was so good. Thank you. Hey, everybody.

How would you like your very own personal video message from me, yours truly? It's your birthday, it's your anniversary, it's your graduation, or you just want me to make you laugh. You get to pick the topic. You want me to discuss. Give me some talking points. And off we go. You can get it for yourself or get it for a friend. It's super easy and fun.

Just go to the Cameo app on your phone or to Cameo.com. And I record a custom video made just for you or your loved one. Your very own personalized Harland.