The Harland Highway - DAVID LUCAS gets tempted by food but we work through it and break it all down!

Episode Date: June 24, 2025

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from time to time. It's a pay to join operation, but it gives you bonus Harland Highway and Harlan Williams material if you're craving it. Also on this week's podcast, our theme song is, oh my God, we have a wonderful theme song that was done by Bobby Corvino, a musician who goes by the name Telquell. Great theme song today. Thank you so much for sending that. and loving all your original theme songs, everybody. It's so fun to make you guys part of the show. And then lastly, don't forget, I have a beautiful comedy tour coming up this week.

All this week, I'll be in Eastern Canada. I'll be in Frederictrin. I'll be in St. John. I'll be in St. John's, plural, in Newfoundland. I'm going to be all over the Canadian East Coast. So go to Harlandwilliams.com to see if I'm in your town or city and get your tickets because we are selling them fast. And without any further ado, do, do let's get to today's episode with David Lucas.

Well, I didn't go to the comedy store for years. You were there in 2019. I was? I put your name on the market. Well, I didn't climb the ladder, but I had to go get your name. Well, you can't climb a ladder. I could, but I wasn't. You can bend a ladder.

I bend the shit out of it. Yeah. Dude, come on, dude. Let's stop fucking around. You snap it right into your own face. You're the only guy who gets on a ladder and goes underground. The ladder sinks into the earth. Comedy King in the zone.

Podcast, I'll ride a bats of the bone. Highway Yeah, we're rolling Yeah, we're rolling. Yeah, we're rolling. On the Haarland, Highway tonight. Ooh.

Papa Fatter! Yes, it's weird. A lot of people don't know I'm a nature guy. Harlan, that shit brings me because that's like where I grew. I grew up in Florida and Georgia. Wait, you're a country guy?

Yeah. You are a country. Yeah. I am a country. See you right out of the game. See you, motherfucker. I see what you did there I see what you did there

That's why you're one of my favorite people Really? Yeah and then on the internet They say that you're my daddy now What's that mean? Like I take you to the fair? You were the only person to get me in roasting I was?

Yeah, the only person ever Come on ever What do you mean? Like I roasted you worse than someone else you mean? I would say yeah Bro, it was so weird because you have naturally you have such an elusive defense because like I can say something to you

and then you'll just make a funny face it's like that didn't even like imagine fight somebody and you hit them with all you got square in the nose and they're just like it's like I don't got anything I'm like one of those drunk boxers right you ever see those guys they pretend they're drunk

maybe that's me yeah yeah it's your personality and you're very quick and your roast are so, like, out of the box. You know what I'm saying? Kind of like you're a country. See, it happened immediately in the first sentence, my guy.

Is that what you're talking about? I mean, we just got a good, what is it called, symbiosis, you know, when we're around each other. And it was crazy because from the first time when you were giving out that DeVry University, was that the DeVry? The Czechs, when I was writing the check. I don't kill Tony at the mother's show.

Wasn't it? Oh, it's giving up. to ride, divide university degrees in comedy. Yeah, and I'm like, this motherfucker. I had been seeing you at the comedy store. Yeah. But we had never had a conversation, ever, ever.

I would see you when I was a door guy and stuff. Oh, wow. Yeah, yeah, I was a door guy in 20. Like, for some reason, a lot of people forgot that. That, yeah? They had, like, I just appeared out of thin air. Well, I didn't go to the comedy store for years. You were there in 2019.

I was? I put your name on the market. Well, I didn't climb the ladder, but I had to go get your name. Well, you can't climb a ladder. I could, but I wasn't. You could bend a ladder. I bend the shit out of it. Yeah.

Fuck me. Come on, dude. Let's stop fucking around. You snap it right into your own face. Come on. You're the only guy who gets on a ladder and goes underground. The ladder sinks into the earth. See what I'm sorry?

Yeah, I guess I am the only guy. But here's what happened that night when you came out. I'd never done to kill Tony and I'd never seen you. I didn't watch the show. Right. So when you came at me, I was like, wait, who's this guy? And I don't, the daddy don't sit down for nobody. Yeah, you stood up and everything.

So I was like, if this guy wants to play, let's play. It was just fun for me. That was with Tony Hawk, right? Yeah, Tony Hawk. Yeah. And then we did it again at the, the, the, the, sofi center in L.A., the big arena is where we, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's where we really went at it. And then they rushed us.

No, you got me pretty, you got the best of me at the YouTube. Like, it was like a boom, boom, boom, boom. I was like, shit, nothing I'm saying is working. Well, you got the breast of me. And then at Madison Square, we were rushed. Yeah, they didn't even let us do it. I was ready. I was like, let's do it at Madison Square Garden.

I think we sent like three jokes back. Not even that. Because Adam Ray was there. And so Adam was hilarious. He got in on it. So suddenly it wasn't just me and you. It was like a free for all. See, that's the thing.

And they rushed us. It was like one big boxing match with a whole bunch of boxers. Yeah. Because you got Adam Ray. Yeah. Who's a roaster. Yeah. And then we had you who's a roaster.

Then you had me. And then who was, who else was on the panel? It was, it was Joe Roe. That was night one. He was on there the second night too. Oh, night one. Yeah, I don't remember. It's all, they're all a blur to me. Yeah. But I'm not a roaster. You say I'm a roaster. I'd say, I just, I just like, I'm a victim of circumstance. Like, I don't, I don't go out looking to roast anyone, but I just, I just go with the flow. So when you came at me, I was like, all right, let's go. It's all comedy to me, guy. Exactly. Let's all comedy. Yeah. And like, I watch your videos.

You're very quick with it. You're very fast. You know what I'm saying? You're crowd work. You're very fast, but take a few letters out of that. Just one letter. Not a few, you Canadian fuck. That's I've been waiting for it.

I haven't come here for all that. I know. But we've got to do a few. All right, we'll do it. A few friendly ones. Yeah, yeah, yeah. See, that's the thing, bro. Like, people are like, oh, you wrote so mean.

And it's like, honestly, like, when I'm roasting somebody on kill Tony. Or in general, it's somebody you like or admire. It is. Like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Roasting never comes from a hateful place. But you go, yeah, oh, that's good to know, because you are a sweet guy. We got to hang out. We went fishing together.

We went to Terry Blacks. Is that what it's called? Terry Blacks. Terry Blacks, and we hung out. We drove around in your blueberry turnover. That truck. Show them the color of your vape. That was the color of your Jeep.

The Jeep, yeah, it's gone. I mean, I don't normally drive around. I'm big cities like with my hand over my eyes. That was fire, bro. It was fire, but that, the color of your car. Come on, God. Blueberry? It was dope.

I know, but everything doesn't have to be food. That car actually got totaled. Now I got a big old truck. That's the type of car. You hit, you get, you total that car, and it's not a write-off. It becomes jam. It just looks like a big blueberry wheel. down the street.

Yeah. No, it was, I enjoyed that car when I had it. I didn't have it long. Yeah, but you got a big pickup truck now. Yeah. I'm a country boy at heart. It's so weird. Yeah, I wouldn't take you as a country boy.

Really? You love fishing? Yeah. Yeah. Hunting. You hunt? Yeah. What do you hunt for?

Anything. I just got some property down in Georgia. Yeah. With a lot of acres, bro. And we just, so we just cleared. It came with a house on it, a small house that I'm fixing. And I might rent it out, but I'm building me, I'm building me a barn dominium closer to the lake. It has a, well, a pond, it's not a lake.

Somebody told me that the other day. I was bragging about having a lake, and they're like, how many acres is it? Oh, like, Twitter's like, that's a pond, calm down. Did you say barn dominium? Barn dominium. What's that? So it's pretty much like a warehouse house. Barn dominium.

Barn dominium. Sounds like a Greek soldier to me. I was sure. Barn dominium. And it's like an open. It's like having one big wall. and they're they're pretty reasonable to build they're they're cheaper than like your average house well you're doing that it's my birthday thank you it's my birthday how did you know

what flavor is that like you don't know all the flavors you're like you're like what do you know they say some people have eyes where they can see colors that don't exist Yeah. I think you know flavors that people don't know exist. Like, boys, hold on, what was it on Willie Walk in the chocolate factory? Those weird ass me. Oh, oh, snobsberries. Snowsberry.

Snowsberry. I want a snobsberry. If you look, this is a barnuminiu. Just like a big warehouse and it's all open. Wait, you have that? Can I show it? No. Is that yours?

No, no. I haven't decided on the plan for mine yet. Dude, that's beautiful. You're going to build that? I'm not, but a contractor. That's huge. Yeah. And you're going to rent it out or are you going to live there?

No, no, I'm going to rent the house out in the front. Oh. There's a, there's a, it came with like a, a three-two cabin. This property is like seven years old, some old lady. You got a lot of real estate lingo that I'm just not picking up on. You might as well be speaking real estate Chinese right now. I don't know what a three-two cabin is. I don't know what a barn dominium is.

Don't know what a dildo... What are we talking about here? Dilderanium. Yeah. A dilderinium. What the hell is this stuff? It's a house built in the shape of a dildo. Wow.

How many floors are on it? As many as you want. Instead of a penthouse, you live in the mushroom. In the head. I live up in the head. Press a thing. Okay, folks, I'm obsessed with the house of Atlas. I've been getting compliments

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But buddy, with the roasting stuff, though, you do go after people. But what's the worst scenario? Like, have you ever had a throwdown where someone's like, you know, you know what, bro, that cut too deep? And did you get physical or angry or anything? Yeah, a couple of times. Talk to me, bro, Settlingosh. What happened? What did you say?

It wasn't really a roast, but like last year, this clip where I did a joke about George Floyd went viral. And I later found out more context as to why the people were upset. So some kid, well, a young man was like 23, 24, him and his brother and cousin were fans. So they bought a whole tent top table. Of you? Fans of you. Yeah. Yeah.

And they bought like a whole tin top table. Let's see again. A tin top. A tin-top guy. A ten-seater table at the show. Like, you know how like they'll sell tables. Did you say tin-top or ten-top? You can, ten-seaters.

Ten seats. He bought ten seats at a table. He bought a whole table. Let's just say that. Okay. Having some language issues here tonight, gang. I just wanted to sit down and talk. So he bought a.

A whole, he bought 10 seats at a show. He bought a whole little section. And he later on, he messaged my Instagram. He's like, I'm so sorry about that dude. But anyway, I guess the people that were supposed to come didn't come. So he decided to bring some of his older relatives. Okay. And I did a joke that, you know, could trigger people of a certain.

About George Floyd? Yeah, that could trigger people of a certain age demographic. Okay. They got up and I was like, shit, I'm like being some shit. And the rest of the show was just, I'm actually going back there. and like a few months. Can't wait. So what?

They all walked out? A few of them walked out. The other guy was like, man, we didn't want to leave, but our family was leaving. And did anyone want to, like, physically, like, throw down? I think if that older guy would have been 20 years younger, he would have tried to fight me. Whoa. But I normally, like, have my gun everywhere I go. I'm a licensed gun owner.

No way. Have you got it right now? No. I'd love you to shoot me. What the fuck? Well, you got a gun. You got to fucking use it. Shoot me, you loser.

What the fuck, guy? What, I'm not good enough? I would never shoot you. Why not? I'm asking for it. Oh, my God. That's like, guns are powerful. God, I thought we were friends.

You're not even going to shoot me. Oh, I got a gun. I got a gun. Well, shoot me. Hot, guy. Starting to question our friendship. What? You got a gun.

I asked to get shot. What's the purpose of a gun? You shoot it. Let's go hunting. I'll pepper you. I want to get a good old fucking shot right through the ribs. No, fuck, you'll die. I want a headshot that.

Make it quick. Oh, you are an actor. You do want a headshot. Oh, nice. Is that one of your characters you've played in the movie? Excuse me, just one second here. What the, you just... Here we go again.

What? Kind of like I have a little food on the table? Isn't this the shit you went fishing with on my podcast? You were fish with all the type of shit. Did you get that at Rouse? Dude, I'm not. just, you know, nothing like a little food

on the table. Why your mouth's watering? Brain the fat. Why are you licking your lips? Oh, they were dry. And I do love powder donuts, but you know what I really have gotten me to tip me?

Cinnamon and sugar donuts. Watch you pull one of those out. I mean, if you're going to ask, guy. Brain the fat guy on the fucking podcast so we can tempt him with the shit.

Dude, I mean, your lips, you're like coojo right now. You're just drooling. That was actually a good movie. They need to remake that. I think we're making it right now. You want to bite into that cake, my guy? I want to cut it.

I want to cut it. You do? I don't know why I want to cut it, but I do. It feels good. Yeah. It's part of an addiction maybe. Yeah. Bring a nice knife, Amber.

I'm off sweets right now, bro, because I make my Netflix debut in August, and my goal is to drop 50 pounds. You got a Netflix special? No, not. What'd you just say? Oh, your next Netflix debut, debut, yeah. What does that mean? I'll be on Netflix.

For what? Or can you say? They'll see. Hey, folks, I want to talk to you about wicks.com. They are a place where you can go and build your own website. How do I know? I've built two of them myself. Harlandwilliams.com and Harbling.com, where I sell my homemade t-shirts.

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And thanks to Wix for helping me learn how to make my own website and to see how easy and professional it can be. Wix.com. My friend? We filmed in August. I don't know when in the fucking air. My friend, you asked for a knife? I give you the knife.

I don't know why you just don't shoot the cake. You got a gun. I don't have it with me. I didn't feel like I needed it here. Oh, does that feel good? Yeah, this is like, what's that shit? ASMR. Yeah.

As I cut the cake, I can hear the sprinkles hit the tape. Satisfying noises. Brought to me by me and Harlem. Is Amber going to have some with us? Yeah, cut that cake. Dude, you are getting... Cut that cake. I didn't slice it even.

My mom would be mad at me. That's something that's real important in the black household. Did you know? What a cake? No, slicing cake and slicing pie. Why? I don't know, but black people get so mad if you slice a pie weird, bro. You go to my mom's house and slice a piece of pie.

Fucked up, bro, she lied with a kick your ass out. Just for cutting a pie wrong? Yeah, bro. They'd be tripping. Like, that's not even, but it's all right. Dude, you really cut that up. Yeah, I don't know why. Are you turned on right now?

A little bit. If we would have baked this, then I would have really been. Wow. I mean, dude, I've done a lot of podcasts. I've never done one that's homo erotic. Wow. You think Tony will watch that? Tony'll probably eat it.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Halley Highway podcast. What? That's Cajun. You don't speak Cajun? My guy. Oh, let's say it again. Welcome to the Holland Highway podcast. And I got a very special guest today.

The Cake Master is here. He's a comedian. He's an actor. He's a producer. And most importantly, he's a fisherman. David Zachary Lucas is here. Say hello, buddy. The Holland Highway Park.

Oh, did it sound good? You sound like Steve Harvey. I do? Harlem, highway, park. Yeah. I was trying to do kind of a Cajun thing. I think they'd be like, Harlem, Highway, pork, care.

Yeah. That's how Louisiana said. Yeah, yeah. This is the Harlem Highway Park Cab. Poor Care. Yeah, poor care. Poor care. You like being out of Louisiana?

Yeah. It's all right. I like the cicadas. Yeah. You know the cicadas? If people don't know what cicadas are, they're the big giant. flies with the big red eyes

and they're up on the trees and they're like they come every what seven years I'm doing a cicada oh okay do it can a guy do a cicada? Do it again. God dude you're really pushing our friendship

today you won't shoot me you won't let me do a cicada like is there anything daddy can do right I bring you a cake you pretty much fuck it with a nut and I can't do a cicada. Dude. Are you an A.k.A.

Those are A.k.a. Can I do the cicada? Go one more again. Good fishing bait. Dude. Ciccate. They have a long call. I need about 30 seconds.

All right. Cicada. Say it again. Cicada. Cicator rhythm. Um. E, e. I call them nature smoke detectors, right?

They sit up in the trees. It's a hot summer night. The crickets are chirping. Damn, bro, you got every sound. Yeah. That's crazy. You name a sound. You want a chainsaw?

Yeah. This is great. That's more of a weed eater. Well, let's not get mean. Dude, that was a chainsaw. Just as any cicadas sitting up in the tree. And now he's down on the ground, the big red, bug-odd bastard. That's more of a weed eater.

though yeah yeah well no weed eater's more like but chainsaw is like how did you do all this how did you get like find out that you could do as a kid um good question well i guess because one of my best friends was a chainsaw like the other won't hang out with me. Really? So my dad bought me a chainsaw and that was my buddy. In Canada, Canada.

What part? Toronto. Canada. I was just there. Huh? I was just in Toronto. What for? The Killers of Kill Tony tour.

We did, what was it? Is it Massey Hall? Yeah. Oh, we're doing what you call it together. Are we? We're doing some Killers of Kill Tony dates together, aren't we? Atlantic City, Jersey.

Are we? Yeah. Oh, we're going to get in some trouble. Harlan, you don't be doing shit. I know, but you'll probably get me into trouble. No, I'm kind of boring, bro. Oh. I'm cheap.

Cam, on the other hand. Is he a troublemaker? I ain't say a troublemaker, but he's one of the only people who can talk to me. Him and Tony and Joe are the ones who are like, stop being a bitch, let's go out. Really? Yeah. You know who got me to go out with him when I was doing this movie,

the whole nine yards with Michael Clark Duncan? Remember Michael from the Green Mile? John coffee. Yeah. Not the drink, but spelled differently. Yeah. Take my hand, boss. Remember that?

I tried to take it away. We were doing, we were doing, in Montreal, we were doing a whole nine yards. They filmed it up there? We filmed in Montreal. That's the football movie, right? No, no, that's the movie with Bruce Willis where he plays a gangster.

Him and Matthew Perry, they play gangsters. And Michael Clark Duncan is one of the, like Bruce Willis. This is like sidekick guy, a security guy. And there's a casino up there. And Michael Clark Duncan, the Green Mile guy, he's never played Blackjack. So he goes, hey, Holland, man, I want to go learn blackjack.

So I go up to his room and I teach him Blackjack for about four days. And then I say, okay, Michael, you're ready to go to the casino. So we go to the casino and he loves it. He gets like hooked on it. And so now for the rest of the. of the movie. I'm in my room. The phone rings. I go, hello. It's like, hey, haul it, like the Green Mile guys

call him it. What am I going to do, say no? He's like, hey, man, let's go to the casino, man. And I'm like, dude, I got to learn my lines. And he's just like, oh, don't do me like that, man. Let's go to the casino. So I had to take him to the casino. He didn't want to go alone. And I taught him blackjack. Would he lose a lot of money?

He wasn't betting that much. But it was just funny because he's just this grown man. He was a huge guy. We'd walk into the casino. It's almost like going in with the incredible Hulk. Yeah, he's a big dude. It was just giant. I mean, it was John Coffey.

And what was great is if he lost a hand, he'd open his mouth and thousands of flies would go out into the dealer's face. They just handed him money. It's like, get out of here. He's like, thank you, boss. And he's just like, that was a good movie. I haven't seen it in quite a while, but I watched when I was a kid. Oh, dude.

Or how about your underpants, the brown skin mark? What happened? Instead of the green mile, the brown skin mark. By the way, I found a pair of your underwear at Olive Garden in Pasadena. Are these yours? How'd you know? These are yours, aren't they? Yeah.

Dude, take them. I don't want them. Bro, I've been looking for these. Yeah. They were in the Olive Garden bathroom. Damn. Did you go to, um, because on the Michael Clark Duncan thing. Yeah.

did you ever go to a all black church like a gospel church yeah talk to me because i got a story about it that relates to michael clar well i grew up uh i grew up catholic uh and then uh when i moved my grandparents we started going to a a southern baptist church where georgia oh and was it the traditional how you see it portrayed oh yeah lots of singing and every animated shouting yeah dancing and jumping around all that really did you love it no why it's too noisy or what yeah I grew up I grew up you know coming from a Catholic church where it's very tranquil very organized yeah and I feel like we went to that church and they were just winging it yeah and they were just winging it like whatever really there's

there's no like there's no like kind of order it's just like kind of improv there's a lot a little bit of order but I felt like you know 90% of the service was winging it a lot of improv yeah a lot of yes and did you sing yeah I was in the choir. Me too. I went to a all-gospel black church

in Napoleonville, Louisiana. That sounds and I was part of the choir. Why? Because did you hear the voice I did? Take my hand, boss. I was the bass guy.

So, you know, everyone would sit in there, hallelujah, praise the Lord, and then I'd go, praise the Lord. Like, I only had two. Why would you go to a black

church in the post? What were you doing there? Like, why? Because of this. I could go low, and they needed me. Wow, wow, whoa, whoa. Yeah, so it'll be, the light is in the sky. In the sky.

And I was great. They loved me. I was the base guy. I was the only white guy. I feel like you bullshit. Dude. You didn't get to ask around, but they kicked me out. Here's what happened.

What color was your choir robe? Mine was red. Why? What was yours? Yeah, it was, what was that? Oh, you didn't think I'd have the answer. How a wise guy? Lundy Chappell, I think it was blue and yellow.

Oh, mine was red. Mine was a deep crimson red. Yeah. Or as you'd probably think, strawberry milkshake red. Yeah, strawberry cheesecake. But I got kicked out because, you know, I was always the guy that, like, I'd come in at the end, you know, the Lord is our savior.

He's our savior. You know, like that. And then one day it was a hot Louisiana afternoon. Yeah. and dude the crickets were chirping the cicadas were singing up in the tree with their giant red Damien the Omen bug eyes you know those big red satanic

you know I already did it you're not going to make me do it again and in the distance you could hear a lawnmower you know in the distance you always hear and then if you really listened even though we're in Louisiana you could hear a tugboat in May going, you had to have really good ears for that. So here we are, right?

And we're just storming out. The Lord is my chapel, is my chapel. You know, I'm doing the thing. And a hornet or a bumblebee got in the damn church because they leave the windows open. This thing swimming around, flying, you know, just. And I don't know if God planned it or what, but right in the middle of it.

And pardon me, I don't want to be blasphemous, but I'm telling the story. Right. this bee comes in and they're singing away in the praise the Lord praise the Lord and just as it was my turn to go praise the Lord the thing stung me in the throat so it went like that praise the Lord praise the Lord stick Jesus fucking Christ because I got stung and I don't mean to be but out I was gone you ever get stung by a bee what else are you gonna say yeah it hurts waltz or worse or hornets

Why? I believe Wals can sting you repetitively, and if a B sting you're just that one and done. Wait a minute. I don't know if this is scientifically accurate. I think you just pulled that out of your breadlocks or whatever that is. That coleslaw on your head?

How you know. I mean, what is that? Is that curly fries? What's going on? You like it? You want a dip in the rain? Why aren't you burning me back? I've given you five burns.

I've got one. I'm going to get one. Okay. I got a warm up. We podcasting. I know, but I feel like I'm not feeling the love. If you're not burning me, I'm not feeling the love. Man, stop that.

Okay. All right. Yes, wasking sting multiple times. What? Because they don't leave their stinger behind. But a bee does. A honeybees do. Ah.

I learned something new here today. Why did you think I was bullshit in you? Because I had always heard that they all only have one stinger and they leave it in you and then they die. That's a honeybee. Interesting. Yeah.

Have you ever been stung and it flies away and you can see the stinger and it's pumping in your skin? Damn right, yeah. Isn't that creepy? Yeah, bro, I was cutting grass one time as a kid

with a fucking pushmore and I ran over a hornet's nest and like hundreds of them shits. They came at you? Yeah. You were like Winnie the Pooh. I'm just a little. little black rain cloud hovering over how do you know all this shit what i got a story

watching tv with you yeah we can cuddle no yeah i don't know you might like it you got that fucking cat shirt on i know what's this all about i don't know you would hang around paulie short too i found it under a bridge there was a homeless guy wearing that's what they gave you for the 20 year anniversary of freddie got finger yeah maybe what's gonna be the new one freddie got fisted wow here we go he's warming up Here we go. Get the mayonnaise, Freddie got fisted. Excuse me for one second.

You spend a lot of money on me. Just some cupcakes? You spend a lot of money on me, Harlem. See, I figure every time you get ramped up and come at me, I know how to, like, dial you down. You know how to get me back down? Yeah, because I take your mind off of coming at me. You know what to really get me down?

What? Like, really a spicy chicken sounds from Chick-fil-A. If you pull one of those. Hold on, let's see. How about a ham? Is that a, you really bought a real ham? I don't like ham. I don't like ham, a turkey guy.

Well, still meat, guy. Brian Hendrickson. I've never heard of him. Yeah. You don't want to taste it or anything? No. You don't eat ham. No.

I like pork belly, though. Well, that's a ham guy. But it's different. Dude. It's still ham. Can you cook? Yeah What should be cooking

Right now Turn the fire up a little bit Hey I want to talk about fishing Bro Because we love fishing You like the fish

You know I do I went on your show And we fish Yeah but you were fishing With Pringles and shit Yeah But I was trying to catch Some junk food fish

This is America This is America What was that fish You said earlier A slapjack Oh a slapjack That's what you want to call me Slapjack

I wonder if that is a real fish Look on your thing Maybe there is a slapjack A slapjack tuna? If there's a hornets that can multiply sting you, then why isn't there a slap jack? A slap, a slap jack fish? No, but there is a skipjack.

Oh, yeah, skipjack. Skipjack is a fish, but no slap jack. What's the biggest fish you've ever caught? Do you remember? I've caught, I don't know. I caught huge redfish, tunas. But do you remember a weight? No.

You don't remember your biggest fish. Come on. That's like not remembering the first night you lost your virginity. Probably like 180. That's like a huge fish. Yeah, but it was a Goliath grouper, and that's a small one. Oh, it was one of those huge saltwater groupers down in Florida? Yeah.

Like in the Keys? No, I caught it in, uh... Those are massive. I caught it 20 miles out into the Gulf of America. Oh, wow. Leaving out of St. Pete. Yeah, how hard was it? Because people don't realize how powerful those are.

How long did it take and did you hurt your back or anything? We passed a ride for at least like 45 to an hour. Yeah, because a lot of guys, you can't do it on your own. And a lot of times when you're fishing that deeper water, bro, they got electric reels. Oh, so it just comes up on it. Yeah, but we're fishing with manual. Yeah. Like, you need a lot.

You need electric reels now, especially when you're fishing off of like reef. bro, because Florida got real lax with the shark rules. So there's like an overpopulation of sharks. Everybody's getting the sharks. So they got those electric reels to get them up real quick. Do they kill the sharks or they release them? Because if there's too many, do they call them? They haven't called them in a while because I think people in the comments will correct.

I think each person in Florida used to be able to get like 12 tags a year. First 12 sharks? Yeah, but now it's like one or two. Damn, what does the average person want with a shark? The meat is good. But you got to, like, kill them right away. No, you have to harvest them right away. Yeah, you've got to kill them and you've got to bleed them.

And you've got to skin them right away. Because sharks, if the blood gets into the meat... Don't they urinate in their skin or something like that? Maybe they're homeless sharks. Hold on. Let me look at it. Yeah, you got to treat that meat right away, or it spoils and it taints. We all know about taints. Yeah, they excrete nitrogenous wastes through their skin.

And is that, does that mean, does nitrogenous mean urine? Or is that like a salty? They excrete nitrogenous waste, including urea through their skin and gills. So that's why they always say you got to kill sharks fast so they don't get stressed. Tuna, too. What, wait a minute, what's nitrogenous waste? I feel like if I drank three Gatorades in a row, I'd have nitrogenous waste. Let's look it up, nitrogenous.

I've never even heard that. You're learning me some new stuff today, bro. See? I didn't know about the Hornets. I didn't know about nitrogenous waste. That sounds like... So nitrogenous waste are nitrogen-containing waste products of metabolism primarily generated from the breakdown of proteins and nucleic acids.

Still don't have a clue. Yeah. You just made it worse. You ever make something worse? Like I just wanted one word answer And now I got five more questions Oh shit, no, we don't got no more questions Well, I certainly do

You just, you just made me dumber Like I was dumb because I didn't know What nitrogoloclucleus waste is You're smart And then you just read a statement Where I now feel like I'm 30% dumber Can we slice the hand? Please.

Would you eat it? Yeah. Okay, the knife. Amber, will you bring a sharp knife? please and a plate and a plate we're gonna slice the ham would you eat it if I put some if I made you a ham sandwich using donuts at the bun oh that we let's make a new dish I don't love that I'll eat it all right crazy I love a good snack yeah so wait you're talking about you cut the donut and half yeah you put the oh oh bring

the on the knife caddy there's a white-handled um knife and it's got let's Oh, this is going to be good, dude. Yeah. We're going to make some... We're going to make a new, like a ham donut. Yeah. Oh, dude. Do you shop, like, at the grocery store?

Do you order your groceries? Oh, that's good. Will that work? Fucking O.J. Simpson over here. Whoa, let's make an O.J. Burger. Well, look at you. Watch your fingers, guy. I don't want to eat your finger meat.

Oh, it's already pre-slice. is it pre-cooked i don't want to eat a raw we got to get the well you got to cut a donut in half which one you want uh my hands are clean oh i don't mind we're friends yeah you can massage me if you want hey never cut towards yourself i'm good oh

sweet david lucas no please is that a powder donut or a cocaine donut fent no yeah i mean look at look at the powder on this thing Let me see what to Oh, wow, look at that. Oh, dude. Harley, look what I made you.

Hold on. Let me trip. Bro, I feel like you would make the best granddaddy. Oh, dude. You want to hit? No. Dude. You got kids?

Take a hit, dude. You got kids. I'm flying. I got kids now. I'm tripping. I got eight kids. Fuck it. Ask me what else I got.

Hang on. AIDS? I got all the AIDS. Wait, what did you say? You said you got all the AIDS. I know, but I'm high, bro. Dude, I'm fucking high. You set me up.

I'm high as a kite. I've been snorting the powder. The white stuff, the snow white, the white horse, the crystallineum crumium trumium delineoid. I've made that one up, but I'm high so I can.

you got kids for real or no say hello to my little friend I'm fucking wasted guy I feel like I would love you with my granddaddy uh what did you say to have kids I don't know no

okay what's the name of this sandwich it's a don't it's a cocaine donut with a piece of ham uh powder de croissant oh little friend that's almost like Cajian flare

Pada de croissant oh I guarantee See what it's hitting like It's all right It's all right Actually not bad You should make yourself one I just ate

Yeah we know I always just ate I wanted to go back to fishing The biggest fish 180 Right but everyone wants to get the biggest fish Right And I know they're not technically fish

but a whale Why can't we go out The blue whale is the biggest creature To ever roam or swim on the planet As far as we know Bigger than the dinosaurs Right Here's these guys going out for Marlin

They're going out for redfish They're going out for tuna What boats are going to put it on And what type of Well who cares The thing is to hook into one And yeah it's going to pull you For three or four months

But they're they're They're filter feeders. Okay. Because, you know, they filter plankton. That's, I think you're thinking of the baleen whale. They have that filter. The baleen whale has that filter in their teeth. I'm pretty sure blue whales.

They have the filter. Get the phone. Here we go again. I know this stuff. Mr. Wikipedia here. I just wanted to do an interview. I wanted them to shoot me. I wanted to, you know, and I can't, God.

Yeah, they eat krill and, yeah. Crill. Crill's like a mini version of shrimp. Yeah. Isn't it funny? The biggest creature on the planet, the average size of a krill is about that big. Yep.

And they swarm in these giant massive schools. You can see them almost from space. They're like clouds in the ocean. How you know about krill? Oh, there's nothing I don't know about it. You can ask me anything. You didn't know about the wall stinger. Maybe I did

And I was setting you up No, bro, you didn't know about that You said it You said it, Harley You got me on that one Yeah, I don't know about that one I don't, but I do know about krill And these giant, huge,

the biggest creatures on the planet It's crazy That could swallow a herd of zebras Could easily go on land And swallow children If they wanted to Could eat a school full of kids Did you see that video

Where that whale turned over that boat? Right. Crazy. I mean, they could think about a blue whale twice the length of a carnival cruise line. That's like a floating picnic. Think of all the people. I don't know they're twice the size of that. Oh, they're huge.

But what I'm saying is a blue whale could gobble down a carnival cruise line passengers. 110 feet. Yeah. And what's a blue whale? I'm just saying why you're eating the smallest little things on the planet when you're It's bigger than the entrance to Space Mountain. True. Like, eat.

Eat, fatty. They're like two school buses. Yeah. Full of demented children. I was talking to one of my buddies. Okay. He's a wild game hunter. This motherfucker.

No way. Has he ever got a monopoly or a risk? You got to stay on your toes when you're talking to? I tell you that shit. What do you mean? You got to sell your toes when you're talking to you. You said he's a wild game hunter.

Yeah, like Monopoly and shit. Yeah, did he ever get one? You got me saying Monopoly. I mean, zero, like all that exotic. You got me saying, bonobily, shut the fuck. You don't, you try to put me into

your little vortex so I can start thinking and acting like your way. Book club on Monday. Gym on Tuesday. Date night on Wednesday. out on the town on Thursday. Quiet night in on Friday. It's good to have a routine.

And it's good for your eyes too. Because with regular comprehensive eye exams at Specsavers, you'll know just how healthy they are. Visit Spexavers.cavers.cai to book your next eye exam. Eye exams provided by independent optometrists. That's what the fuck you try to do. Because you trick me, nigga. It's manipulation.

I want you to be my mini-me, but my giant. me instead. Nah, bro, you own that. You are in a league of your own with that. I am? Yeah. Oh, God, I've always wanted to meet her. Nah, but you got

that. You got that. You got your genre. And nobody else can be like you. Remember that joke you did at MSG? What? Where you put out the orange? No, what did I do? The joke where you put out the orange. I put out an orange? P-U-L-L-E-D. Oh, the line. Limes.

Limes. Yeah, I said I had Lyme disease. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, fruit can be funny. Yeah. But what about whales? Why do they get suicidal?

When do they get suicidal? Well, you ever hear about these whales that wash up on the beach? The suicidal whales, they strand themselves. They die. They die. They have to all die. Look it up. I know what you're talking about.

Right, but they're doing it on purpose. They're calling them. suicidal whales. You should have said that they're doing it on porpoise. Oh, you are turning into me. They do it. They do it on porpoise. They do it on porpoise. This is good. This is good. Yeah. No, but they say that the whales are saying, I'm like, what does a whale have to be suicidal about? What, they're not fat enough? They're swimming around. Gee, I wish I had Flubber, I think I'll kill myself.

Don't eat like 75,500 pounds of krill a day? Yeah. That's crazy. Like, what do they got to be? And no other animals suicidal. I like orcas. I like Killer Wells. Oh, yeah.

You ever saw the documentary about how they play with their food? There were these two. Oh, yeah. There were these two orcas hunting the seal, and they basically cornered him onto a little ice island, and they just kept swimming around. Oh, yeah. And then...

Yeah. And they create waves. They knock the seals that they strategize and they work as a team. It's frightening. It's frightening how smart they are. We should be glad they don't swim. We should be glad they don't swim where sharks swim close to the beach. Yeah.

No, the intelligence and the wherewithal, not only for one of them to go, hey, if we make waves, it will knock the seal off of the ice block. Exactly. But the fact that seven of them go, they talk to each other. Echo communication. Yeah. And then they all do it in complete unison.

Yeah. It's frightening how smart they are. Yeah. But I was going to say, you know, other animals aren't suicidal. Because whales are so intelligent, maybe that's why they're suicidal. Maybe they have deeper feelings because you never see a zebra standing on the edge of a an office building. Well,

zebras are in Africa. I know, but they're not suicidal. I've never seen a polar bear closes garage door and start the car off. You know what I mean? Bro, that's a scary animal. The polar bear?

Yeah, would you mean what's good of a polar or a grizzly? Well, they're both equally dangerous. They're both carnivores, and they're both two of the species that are confirmed man-eaters. Like they, a lot of animals will run from a human,

but grizzly bear and a polar bear will just go, you know what, there's an elk, there's a deer, there's a human. Right. I think they're trepidacious around us, but I think if they observed us long enough that they will just come, especially I think the polar bears are even more aggressive. And they're tall as shit. They're the biggest bears.

Polar bears, I think, are the largest predator on the plant. Earth. Really? I think they're the biggest predator, yeah. And I think the Kodiak bear is second. But I think the polar bear

is technically the largest predator on planet Earth. Apex predator. Apex predator. Big white bear. And the reason I think I would fear the polar bear more is because their food source

is very limited. They have to walk the pack ice for days, if not. not weeks trying to find a seal in a hole and their kill ratio is spread out so they're more desperate eaters, if you will. Whereas a grizzly bear is in a forest that's populated with deer and fish and squirrels and plant life. The polar bears on a barren wasteland where there is no plant life. So if it doesn't eat a seal or a narwhal or a beluga... So the polar bear is the biggest land predator.

Yeah. Thank you. And then the Great White and the Saltwater Crook. The Great White's the second? Mm-hmm. Yeah, because a orca's a mammal. Yeah.

It's not a fish. But the Orca can decimate a Great White. Yeah. By the way, how long are we leaving the word great in front of white? I like it. I know, but with the way they're tearing everything up, like you can't call a ladybug a lady anymore.

Bro, that's because we live in a fucked up society right now. Right. So we can't call a white great. Like, it ain't happening. That's going to be gone soon. Everything's just got to be neutralized. You need a laptop right here. The service up here is.

A laptop? What am I, Albert Einstein? Male polar bears weigh between 775 to 1,500 pounds. Yeah. Overall body length is roughly 710 to 910. Right. Like that thing would just be standing over you like, right. Well, you know they hunt whales, right?

Polar bears hunt beluga whales. Oh, that makes sense. Yeah. The big, the big fat white whales. They're almost, do you ever feel like some animals are useless? Yeah. Like, what's the purpose of a beluga whale? Okay.

A beluga whale. roaches, mosquitoes. Like, what do mosquitoes control in nature? What do roaches control in nature? Decomposition? Roaches probably help with decomposition. Can we just have beetles? Huh?

Just beetles? Would that not be enough? Well, there's all variants of the decomposition process. There's fly larvae, there's maggots. Yeah. So I used to be a lumberjack. You like this story. I used to work out in the wilderness, right? Your ass don't live 200 lives.

Yeah. And I found a dead black bear in the forest one day. I actually smelled it out. Toronto? No, this was up in Ontario. I worked out in the bush. I could smell something. Your camera turned off.

Oh, it did? I heard it. Yeah. Oh, damn. Good eye, buddy. Thank you. I just heard it. How the hell did that happen?

One of them turned off. Thank you. You're right. It did. Saved it. Yeah, I heard. It happened a few weeks ago. I had Lisa Gilroy here and it did the same thing.

Yeah, I heard it. I'm used to that sound. We found... Put that up. Yeah, you'd see it happen again. No. Thank you. You just...

I would have had to use the wide angle for the rest of the thing. That's a joke. You're burning yourself right now. I like it. You like it? I like a little self-deprecation. You do?

Yeah. How often do you do it? On stage? No, any time. I'm very hard on myself, believe it or not. And now that I'm focused on getting smaller and healthier, I'm very, very hard on myself. Well, you really are, because you, the reason I joke and did all this is because you make big jokes about yourself all the time. I would never do this if I knew you weren't.

I'm not sensitive or soft. You could have brought a piece of, you could have brought fried chicken out of this motherfucker with hot sauce. I probably would have ate so. What'd you say? Fried chicken with hot sauce. I swear to God, if you fill out some goddamn fried chicken. No, but I'm very hard on myself in every aspect, bro.

What? Yeah, when I take something serious. And so, I'm glad to hear that you're starting to check into your health now? You know what I'm saying? What are you doing? You're going to trim down? Yeah, so now I'm doing a minimum of two miles a day. I did a, oh, let me show you my wife.

workout from this morning. Dude, now I feel bad. I gotta get rid of shit. Man, Harley, cut that shit out. No, no. If I didn't know you, I thought you were just like looking for more yumbies, but I ain't gonna tempt you. It's up for the cake.

Whoa, whoa, you're in the gym. Yeah. This morning, I'm gonna do another mile. What's your, what's your goal? What's your end game? I don't really have a goal. Yeah. It's more so just live a healthier lifestyle.

Yeah. What triggered that? Did somebody die? Did somebody get sick? Did you have a moment? No. Where did you go? Well, as a large guy, I don't have any health problems and I don't want any.

Yeah. And what really triggered it was I found an outfit that I wanted to wear and I couldn't fit it. And I'm like, fuck. See, this is why you shouldn't shop at Lulu Lemon. I think I can fit anything in Lulu. That shit stretches. Yeah. My mom loves Lulu Lemon.

She's into it now. Wow. She's really into Lulu Lemon. lemon. Have you ever shopped at Lulu Lemon Marang Pie? You will. But wait. So wait what were you trying to get into and it

didn't fit? It was this nice designer shirt that was on sale. Because I'm real cheap. I'll buy a designer but it needs to be on sale. Oh, so like Mark's work, like the men's warehouse stuff or whatever? No, no, no. I was shopping at this place called Traffic

over there in the Beverly Center. Oh, wow. Yeah, and they had this real nice Palm Angel's shirt. It was like on sale for like 140 bucks and I'm like perfect. Whoa. Yeah. So wait,

so now I'm feeling very sensitive about it. Oh my God. No, because, you know, it's one, like, man, cut that shit out.

I've only known you is joking about your weight, but now I can see your, it's become more sensitive. So now I'm going to be sensitive. Man, cut that shit out. No,

I'm actually trying to gain your weight. Oh, you are? Yeah, when the camera's, go off, I'm eat that whole cake. Okay, well, then, why don't you stop lying there? Yeah, bro, put it back.

You don't want me eat that shit when the cameras go off? You will? Hell yeah. Oh, man. I appreciate that because as you get older, you realize that the food you eat, it sort of stays with you, and you realize as you get older, that you're closer to the end than you are to the beginning. Right.

And did you sort of have that revelation? as well? No. You just, you weren't, you weren't thinking like you didn't want to wake up or not wake up?

No. Yeah. Because I'm not, I'm not overweight, but I think about that too. I think, but like I got a big-ass family members, bro.

I'm in the South, bro, and like I see my, like I just see shit. Like, I see my auntie, like, you know what I'm saying?

Yeah. She's a heavy lady and her knees and all that type of shit. So it's like, man, I'm not trying to, I'm not trying to get 65

and can barely get out of fucking bed. You know what I'm saying? Like, because that's the age when you, you know, you slow down. You, you should be set in life. Now you can really enjoy everything you work for. Yeah. No, dude, I'm so glad you're saying this because it's, it's really interesting when you're healthy, a lot of times people don't think down the road. And then they go, I'm okay. I'm healthy. I'm, this is how old I am. I can eat a donut. I can drink a Coke. And then, and then And one day you're there. You're there and you can't go back.

It's too late. Yeah. And so the fact that you're sort of like taking it on now is pretty cool. Good man. Do you want to go to Arby's? I mean I didn't mean to say that. I didn't mean to say that. You know what I really like?

What? Air One. I joined the membership. That's the boosiest thing I've done. What's Air One? Isn't that a shoe? No, it's that boozy-ass grocery store here in L.A. Oh, Ear One or whatever.

Is it Air One? I thought it was Air One. It's like E-R-E-W-H-O-N. Yeah. The food's too, like, organic in there. Yeah, but they have this. Like, I go in there, it feels like a blue herring shit in a dish or something. And they're charging you $40 to scoop it out.

Or Osprey. Yeah, an Osprey. You got a lot of those in Florida. Oh, yeah, they're all over. They're still your fucking, uh, Osprey actually tried to steal my swim bait. It did? Yeah, I'm like, fuck, man. I don't, I've hooked plenty of birds by accident.

like, bro, I don't feel like dealing with this. What else did you hook? An Osprey, by the way, a predatory bird with huge talons. Really small head, and they're diving birds. They dive right in the water, and they come up with a fish sometimes, too. And he was trying to, he was about to,

and I'm like, so I was really in there fast. Oh, wow. Did you have to kill it? Like, did you bring up to? No, he didn't get it. He didn't get it. Thank God. I was fishing an Echo Park dude

and a, uh, was it a goose a goose got into my fucking line bro that was the most embarrassing shit well it's probably geese it was one not if it's at echo park but it was one that I hooked

not if you're in echo park I only hooked one I didn't hook multiple you ever hear an echo I hooked one echo echo hello hello hello that's why you got geese

geese geese you don't get want it at Echo Park. Geese. What's the plural of geese? Geese. Fuck face? No. No.

I'm fucking with you. Geese is already plural. Geese. Yeah. It's geese. I hate words like that. Why? Like mouse and mice.

Cactus, cacti. Yeah. Octopus, octopi. Moose. Moose. Moose. Moose. Mooses, yeah.

It's not meese. Oh, yeah. What if the pure for moses was moses was mose. Moses. And from up in the hill, that'd be hard. A moose came down holding the Ten Commandments. That'd be hard. All hail, Moses. Moses. And he's a moose. And he's got the Ten Commandments nestled in his rack of antlers.

Yeah. I mean, this could change biblical history of what we're talking about here. Do you want to snort another donut? Nah, you got it. I want to cut it. Okay. Go ahead, dude. I like cutting stuff. Are you a cutter? No.

I don't think fat people do that. You've never, fat people aren't cutters? I don't know. Like people that cut themselves for, I don't know why they do it. Why do people? Why are they cutters?

I understand the logic behind it because like I like getting tattoos for that same reason they like to cut. It's just about feeling the stimulus, right? Yeah. But fat people don't cut? I don't know any. Yeah, probably because they're too busy

cutting real food. Like this. Like this. That's what they cut. They cut cake. Wow. God, I just want to. You don't got no taps, huh?

No. Well. You want to get one with me? What are you going to get? I get your initial. I already got your initial. That's because of me? Yeah.

No, it's not. Yes, it is. It is not. Yes, it is. You have an H. For you? No, that's not for me. I got it just to come on the pot.

Yeah. Is it an H and an O? No, it's an H in a heart because I love you. Oh, dude. Wow. You didn't know? Here, I'll do one right now. What do you want?

D. A D? Yeah, with a DL. DL. Because you down low, you got that fucking cat shirt on, nigga. I don't trust you. D.L? You want me to tattoo myself DL?

We're going to swim naked afterwards. What's DL mean? David Lucas. Oh. Or down low. Hang on. Should we go take a naked dive? You got to leave a cat shirt on.

As long as I get to dive first, because if you dive first, No more water? There we go. Now we're talking. Would you ever get a tat? No, for real. I wouldn't get a tattoo. Here's why, and no offense,

because you're covered with them, but this is just my stupid logic. I grew up in the, I was born in the 60s in a time where the average person didn't have a tattoo. Okay. So in my mind, back in those days,

there were biker gangs, like the hell's angels. Yeah. Those guys looked like they had to have tattoos because they were tough guys, right? So I felt like they earned them. I felt like sailors, guys in jail, and maybe a really cool, cool rock star. Now it's fashion. But that now it's like you'll see some guy looks like he's a, you know, accountant with a Maori warrior thing on and I'm like, okay, guy, you know what I mean? Like they're just not authentic to me anymore. No, but that used to be

the stigma. That used to be the stigma. Like you see somebody tatted. Yeah. And it meant something. I mean, I got neck tattoos and I'm, it's, it's not, it's not, it is what it is. Makeup cover it up. That's what I like about it. For acting. Yeah. Makeup covers it up. But that's what I mean. I feel like in the old days, tattoos defined those people. And if you saw a guy with a tattoo, you went, okay, I'm crossing the street. Yeah. Whether they're white, black, Asian, you just knew.

Yeah. Like you had to earn the tattoo. You were a jail guy. And nowadays, I feel like people put them on, try to look tough, and they're not tough. And it just, I don't know. I feel like in life a lot of times you've got to earn things. Yeah.

And the tattoos. You've had a great career. Well, let's not say had. Excuse me. I didn't mean to say it like that. You have a great career. Thank you. You have one.

Yeah. You currently are living a great career. Yeah, I don't think there's one better. I don't think anyone has one better than what I got. A lot of people would give up their foot to have the career you had. Yeah, no one's getting what I got. I remember seeing you as a kid. Yeah.

Really? Yeah. What was your first? I'm just curious, what was your first memory of seeing me? Dumbent number. Oh, how old were you? Shit, five. Wow.

I don't know. You're right. I had a great career. No, you still got a great. No, it's wild. Just to hear that is so bizarre to me because when I sit with people at this table, I never think of age I just think of contemporaries

like we're in the same business we work together we're buddies and see that's the thing about it's so weird that's the thing about entertainment industry and comedy bro like one of my favorite comics

Red Fox didn't make it until he was 60 50 you know what I'm saying yeah danger field didn't hit till he was like 50 there's no age yeah there's no and and you get better with time as a comedian because you get like

I agree with that the perspective yeah the perspective Like, there's only so much we can talk about in our 20s and 30s because we haven't really lived. And depending on the age you start popping, your perspective kind of changes. Yeah. You know what I'm saying?

Oh, yeah. I don't live the life as a regular person in their 30s. I have a different perspective of life than my people who I grew up with. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're waking up at 6, 7 a.m. to go to work and picking their kids up and relaxing on the weekends. When weekends are busy. times, you know what I'm saying? So perspective changes. Well, I'll go one step further because I'm

already further down the road than you. I go beyond perspective to the creativity, the challenge changes. So let's say even though your perspective changes and you've been doing sort of a certain style of stand-up or you're in this zone, I found as I've gotten older, I've pursued different avenues when I go up on stage. So not just, you know, my perception, but my whole style, you start experimenting more, I think. And that's the really fun part of it. That's where it gets fun. That's where it gets fun because, you know, a lot of careers, you kind of do the same thing your whole career. And even though we're doing the same thing, creatively we start to change and it's fun to see it's almost involuntary. Your creative spirit starts pulling you down. I never thought,

I'd do that or talk about that or go in this direct like it. It's real, that's the real unraveling of the onion side, to peel in the onion. Hey folks, I want to tell you about kickoff. Yes, kickoff. A friend told me about kickoff and holy smokes, if you want to get results, let me tell you about it. Users with credit under 600 grew an average of 84 points in their first year with on-time payments. With transparent affordable plans starting at just $5 a month, no hidden fees, and zero interest.

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kickoff customers first month only, and it's subject to approval. offer subject to change, average first year credit score impact of plus 84 points, Vantage score 3.0 between January 2023 and January 2024 for kickoff credit account users who start with an account score below 600, who paid on time and who had no delinquencies or collections added to their credit profile during the period. late payments may negatively impact your credit score, individual results may vary, but let's get going. Let's kick it off and get kickoff. It's so weird because, like, I enjoy dark humor.

I enjoy something with a twist. And early on in my career, I used to have dark humor jokes, but I wasn't able to deliver it. So I did a lot of, you know, bullshit, you know, early on your career. Yeah, yeah. So it was so funny because the comedians of that time, the older ones. Yeah. They were like, hey, bro, you're never getting away with that type of comedy. Because when I first came to L.A., in 2010, it was all about getting on the Tonight Show.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or whatever it was. Whatever it was something. Letterman, Tonight Show. It was another one, too, that was coming on TV. CBS, and they were giving a lot of comedians five-minute spots. Okay. I can't remember.

Was it Kimmel? Oh, Kimmel. I think so. Yeah. It was something. I don't remember. But anyway, George Lopez. That's what it was.

He had a late-night show. Oh, yeah, Lopez, yeah. He had a late-night show, and I remember my manager at the time was like, bro, you got to clean it up to get on. And I'm like, bro, this is, this is me. Yeah. I was like, I don't let you be dirty. I was like, I don't want to be fake. I go out there and give them some fucking knock-knock jokes.

And then they come see my real show. show and then they're like, what the fuck is this? Yeah. It's so weird how times have changed, bro. When I was talking to Ron White, he was saying how when he did his first sold-out show, he didn't even know he was famous. Oh, I see. The blue-collar comedy, because there was no social media.

So there was nothing to gauge your fame with. There was no like. Yeah, you're right. Yeah. Yeah, no, it's so different now, man. When did you know you were an entity? You know what? At the first time it happened, I had done dumb and dumber.

I'd done that little cop scene that I did where, you know, I pulled them over. And I was literally walking down Lasziena, right across from the Beverly Center. Okay. I think I was going to Johnny Rockets for lunch or something. and about 12 kids, probably about 14, 13 years old, all boys. They were walking home from school, and they were just walking at me, and I had no point of reference, and I'm walking, and all of a sudden they sort of stopped and swarmed around me. And I was like, what's going on?

All these kids were sort of strong. And they were so, they were like, are you the policemen from Dumb and Dumber? And I was like, I'd never had anyone do that to me before. So I was like, yeah, and they were like, and they went all crazy. And that's when I went, holy shit. You know, that was the first time I'd really been accosted in public for something that I had done.

So it was quite an exciting moment. Did your agency managers treat you differently after that? Yeah, they just naturally have to. Because you start to have credibility. You start to have the gravitas. and as the world perceived you as something more than they obviously have to. Right.

But the real letdown is when you can tell they kind of, you feel the lift go out of their balloon and they sort of start to not feel that way about. You can feel it. And then you're like, oh, I've got to change my representation. It's weird. It's weird. It's still like that now.

It's like anything else. You got to change the kid's diaper. You do. Yeah, yeah. It's a pain in the us because when people don't realize when you have agents and managers and stuff, yeah, they're working for you, they're working with you. But with me, it's personal. I become like friends with, they, they're part of my life. They come to my events. I go to, and then I find more on their side when they decide

to discard you or move on. It's just like, like, and you go, was that friendship really, really real? As long as you're making the money is real. That's, that's the part I learned and didn't like. So were you doing stand-up then? Yes, I was doing stand-up. So you went touring? Not much. No, when I moved from Canada, I was doing stand-up in Canada, and I thought I'm not going to move to Hollywood

and go and do stand-up because that would be counterproductive to me trying to break into movies and TV. So I thought, if I'm on the road, I'm never going to be in town to do audition. So I just said, I'm going to Hollywood, I'm taking all my savings, and I will go out and audition

until my money runs out and I'll go home. So I was probably down to my last $2,000 or $3,000 before things kind of started to click for me. Oh, wow. That's crazy. Pretty lucky, yeah. Where are you living at? I was living in Glendale

and a little like one bedroom little... What was it, red, then? Back then, I think it was like $700. Damn. Yeah, but remember back then, that was expensive. Like, it's all relative, but... You didn't do the roommate thing? No, I don't like a roommate

I think when you're an artist For me, anyways, I need my creative Space. Because you were already successful in Canada. I was already, yeah, I was like a top headliner in Canada. And that was another part of my strategy is like I'm not going to Hollywood just to start again.

Right. I want to go down That's smart. Where I know I've got the goods and hopefully when people see me, they go, oh, that guy's seasoned. Right. And so I made sure, as much I wanted to come down earlier, I was like, I'm not going until I know I can make some noise. And I think the timing was perfect because I came down and right away, people took notice.

Hey, everybody, how would you like your very own personal video message from me, yours truly? It's your birthday, it's your anniversary, it's your graduation, or you just want me to make you laugh. You get to pick the topic. You want me to discuss. Give me some talking points. And off we go. You can get it for yourself or get it for a friend. It's super easy and fun. Just go to the Cameo app on your phone or to Cameo.com. And I record a custom video made just for you or your loved one. Your very own personalized Harland.

Hey, gang, are you craving more Harlan Williams? We'll join our Patreon page at patreon.com backslash Harland Williams. Well, you'll get bonus episodes of the Harland Highway podcast, our special call-in show, and you can check in with our two goofy dolls, the tender frienders, two guys in their underpants. For a small monthly fee, you get Extra Harland. Who were your peers that you hung out with then? You know what? I mean, back then, me and Norm McDonald were inseparable.

We were buddies because we both, he came down a year ahead of me. Finally, he's fun. Oh, he's fantastic. So me and Norm were like, like. just, we were like this for many of those first few years that I was down here. He was murdering a shit, huh? He, well, not really. He, he, Norm was such sort of a quirky comedian that, yeah, he, he would kill, but he'd also alienate a lot of people.

You know, a lot of, a lot of average people actually wouldn't get what he was doing. But people within the industry, other comics just were like, we love this guy. And he was clever, he was brilliant, but I think he also alienated a lot of the general public because his stuff sometimes was too over the top or too out there. But it didn't stop the force that he was, you know? Like he just pushed on through, and he was fantastic. I loved him. I watch a lot of his YouTube shit, it's fun, especially him on podcast, it's funny as fuck.

Yeah, he's really funny, and he was just, he was one of those guys, I think, because I knew him so well, half of it was his comedic ability and writing, but Norm's other special gift was he knew he drew people in. He was enamoring to people, and he knew that he had this sort of light that on top of being funny, he just, I always referred to him

as kind of like a bug light in the night, you know, and all the people were drawn to the light. And he knew we had that. And so that was one of the tools in his box that he knew he could be funny, but he also knew he had this charm that could bring people in too. And those two together really sort of set him apart and made people really cherish him. Likeability on stage is very, very huge. Yeah, well, he had it on and off stage.

Like he would be likable on stage. I'd say even more off stage. Really? Like on stage, he was kind of like, hey, you know, he was a comic. But offstage when he was like, hey, he was like, hey, man like he had this twinkle in his eye and all stage for me is because I'm like a lot of people meet me and they're like oh you're not I'm like bro stage I'm something different but also yeah I'm quiet and yeah we I think we all are I'm quiet as hell people like I thought you were

gonna roast me I'm yeah bro I'm chilling right now yeah I'm like I'm an introverted extrovert like I don't I'm not very social yeah yeah that's okay though that's good that probably gives you time to be in your own mind and develop your comedy. I'm sort of like that too. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think that's a good place to be. I think a lot of our comedy stems from that because we're not so social, so we need an outlet to be social. And with stand-up, we can be social. We're in front of 300,000 people or whatever it is, but we're not, we don't have to shake hands and say, hey, how was your day, but we're still being very social. We're entertaining them. So I think that's part of it. I don't even talk that loud

off stage. I know. I can barely hear you this whole time. Sounded like a couple of Ralph's bags blowing in the night. All right,

let's get down to, this has been great, buddy. I want to get down to our final, final segment here. Nope, this is called

Words from a wooden shoe. Oh, yeah. That's a Japanese shoe, right? This is a Dutch Japanese shoe. Okay. Yeah, you reach inside. There's a piece, there's words on paper,

and see if one of the words triggers a story from your, life. It's a total random thing. Worst job ever. Okay. Here we go. The best job ever was the job I had right before I got hired at the comedy store as a door guy. But the worst job, Zaxby's chicken. Oh, that's not a good place for dyslexics, by the way. How does a dyslexic even say that? Man. Imagine you work there and you're a dyslexic? Hi, welcome. You get a chicken. You can't say Zaxby's of your dyslexic. You'd blow up.

I could podcast with you for four hours. I just let you, I just let you drive the boat. Okay, what happens? I'm just your sidekick. Zaxby's chicken. No, I worked at Zaxby's chicken. Yeah. It's right before I moved to L.A.

Yeah. I had that one year of college and kind of was like whatever. I don't, because I went to college at 17. Yeah. And I did that. Football didn't pan out. So I was kind of back home. trying to figure my shit out.

I was going to a local community college for a semester. Yeah. And I got a job at Zaxby's. And I think I was making like $7.25 an hour. No money. Yeah. You couldn't even afford to eat at Zaxby's. Oh, we stole a lot.

You stole? Me and my friend. Yeah, we stole. And I would just give food away. It's got to be hard stealing chicken. I mean, didn't the grease seep through your pockets? No, no, not like that. I mean, you know, just.

Oh, out of the till? No. No. Oh, just my friends would come to the back door and I just give them a 40 piece. Were your friends dogs? What do you mean? They're at the back door. I texted me at the back door.

Hand them a breast? Yeah, all that. Hey, Tom, come to the back door. I'll hand you quarter white. Did you ever eat at Zaxbys? I think so. It's like they have wings and chicken fingers and salads. Yeah, I don't remember it being great.

I never went back. It's all. It's all depends on location. Some of them give a fuck and some of them don't. Well, why was it the worst job, though? Oh, it was the worst job because I was making $7.25 an hour. Yeah. And we opened at 10.30 and we had to be there at 9.30 for prep.

I think I worked there for like two weeks. First week was I, second week, I go in on a Sunday. And I think I was hanging out my girlfriend the night before. And I go in on a Sunday. And as soon as we opened, 1030 in the morning, like, I was like, somebody ordered a 200 piece. And then somebody ordered, like, a hundred piece chicken fingers. And then somebody ordered, like, another, I think it was like football season.

Somebody ordered another 200. And I'm like, yeah. Sure, wasn't a blue whale? God. A blue whale person. God. And right after that, I'm just like, man, fuck this. Yeah.

I don't, man, I've been at work less than an hour. I don't fry 400 pieces of chicken. And I was like, I'm cool. And I just fucking left. Good. And then every day you go home, greasy. Yeah. It's in your pores.

It's in your fucking pores. You got those slip-proof shoes So you sit in grease on your car It was, bro, like I couldn't eat at Xaxos For like years after that Just because it was all But that job was terrible You're getting zits on your zits

Yeah I was terrible I wasn't making no money And they ordered two pieces of chicken I left Yeah I just clocked the fuck out I never got that check I should go get it

I got interest now Yeah horrible I've done that where I worked as a carpet cleaner and I was just like I'm out and I never even got my check That was probably like the worst. Because in L.A., I didn't have too many jobs. I was doing background work, and I'd book a commercial here and there.

And I was sleeping on the sofa. So my rent was like $6, $700. And then I got with my baby mama, and she made a lot of money. So, like, yeah. Let her do the work. Something like that. Smart. Yeah.

Well, buddy, speaking of work, tell the folks where they can see you, where your tour is, your social media, any specials you got coming out? Come on, my guy. Man, we probably ain't dropping another special to next year. We're working on a lot of cool projects. I'm sure you'll see me and Harlan do shit together. Oh, yeah.

You know where to find me, David Lucascombe.com. David Lucas Funny on Instagram. And I had so much fun with Harlet. Hold up. The Harlem Williams Highway Podcast. Yeah. The Hollywood Highway Park. What's so fun today?

Yeah, this was the Hall of Highway Podcast. with David Lucas Yeah David thank you for being here I love it I love every minute of Love you buddy Thank you

That's it for today gang Watch out for those powdered donuts Until next time Chicken chalman