The Harland Highway - EPISODE #1 - FLASHBACK - The very 1st Harland Highway.

Episode Date: September 10, 2012

EPISODE #1 - FLASHBACK - The very 1st Harland Highway. At your request we are playing back the 1st Harland Highway podcast ever. This is the start of the first forty two unarchived podcasts that we will roll out SLOWLY over the upcoming months. Listeners have been asking for these for a long time, so here we GO!! Moth ball mongo fever!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh, boy, oh, boy, blah, blah, blah, blah, okay, enough. Hey, folks, welcome to the Harland Highway, and if you're a little confused by the label on this podcast, you'll see it says the Harland Highway podcast number one. Unbelievable, you're like, wait a minute, I thought we were on, like, show like 450 or something like that. Well, here's the deal of you. Because I read your letters and listen to your voicemails, I've been getting over the last, you know, year and a half, maybe even longer, people are like, hey, Harland, where are episodes 1 through 42? Where are the early podcasts of the Harlan Highway?

Where did it all start? and why aren't they in the archives? Why can't we hear them? I missed those. And you're absolutely right, pavement pounders. What happened is, you know, when you're first getting an entity up and running, like a podcast, there's a lot of new things to deal with. There's a lot of technology. There's a lot of, you know, letting things settle into place. and in all the excitement and all the work that's being done and all the podcasting that's been done you know we were so busy moving forward that we were never able to get the first like

you know the first early podcast back up there and enter them into the archives what happened is they just played once and then they were gone and so I guess hardcore fans of the of the podcast here are like well dude we want to hear the early stuff so i hear you uh and what i want to do is obviously i don't want to play 42 podcasts in a row because then you're listening to vintage stuff for like that'll be like three four five

months worth of crap um so what i'm going to do is from here on out i'm going to sprinkle in every now and then i'll drop in one of the early episodes so that eventually you're all caught up. And so I thought today we would start with episode number one, the very first Harland Highway podcast. And I haven't heard it since the day I did it. So let me just preface this by saying you'll probably hear some older references. You'll probably hear possibly some phone numbers or email addresses

or any type of informational stuff where I'm asking you to write or call disregard, because all that has changed. You might hear me talking about something that was in the news that's old. It's not applicable anymore, all that kind of stuff. But regardless, around all that stuff that might be a little dated, I hope you find the comedy funny and the characters are still there and the stories, the observations, the thoughts. and I think for the most part you will enjoy

you will enjoy what's there and it will be relevant to you or you might go oh so this is where this dumb ass started I think I'll just cancel my subscription right now well you guys asked for it and I think it's important we get it out there we have it in the archives officially

so that, you know, you can hear it. And like I said, I don't remember what's on here. So I hope you like it. We will play our official intro, and then you're going to hear another intro because I figure you might as well hear the whole thing here what the old intro sounded like, the original intro.

And you'll just get that experience. So sit back, settle in. And thanks for the request, folks. I appreciate you having the interest to want to hear the early ones. We will get caught up over time. This is the first of the archived early Harlan Highway podcasts. And by the way, before I play it, thank you for sticking with me. We're almost at like $4.50 now.

We've come a long way, and it's been a great ride. Thanks for being here. So here we go. Sit back, relax, and enjoy the very, First, Harland Highway. Welcome to the Harland Highway. All right, let's get this sucker going, huh? You're causing a major disturbance on my time.

It's the Harland Highway. What's up, Bra? If I'm here and you're here, doesn't that make it our time? I have come here to chew bubble gum and kick ass. Am I hallucinating here? Just what in the hell do you think you're doing? You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway.

This is your fucking wake-up call, man. You're riding down the Harland Highway with Harland Williams. In 30 seconds, you'll be dead. I'll blow this place up and be home in time for cornflakes. Hello? Hello? Oh, this is so exciting. Welcome to the Harlan Highway.

Harlan Highway. It sucks you in. You make us feel important. You are important. My name is Tosita, and I'm going to kill you. Welcome to the Harlan Highway. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, welcome everybody. Welcome, one and all.

Jump up and down in a circle with your midget friends. or I guess we can't say midgets. Why don't we just call them munchkins? For those of you who live over the rainbow and those of you who don't, I want you to jump up and down in a magic fairy circle because this is an exciting day.

Welcome to the very first broadcast of the very first podcast of what else can I get to rhyme with broadcast podcast. This is my very first sod cast. Yeah, that's right. I'm standing on a rectangular piece of sod for my very first podcast broadcast. This is a sodcast. And it's the very first Harland Highway podcast that's being broadcast. Okay, I can't say I'm starting to sound like Dr. Seuss. And a podcast I broadcast, I do with your sodcast? Huh? Okay, let me just, let me clean this all up for you.

Welcome to the very first official Harland Williams podcast here on Harlanwiliams.com. And you're listening to the Harlan Highway. Here we go. We are about to cut the ribbon on a brand new stretch. of road. Can you smell the excitement in the air? Can you feel the excitement in the air? Can you

hear the children giggling like demonic Linda Blair Exorcist babies spinning their heads around like freaked out owls? Can you hear the adults rummaging around in their squishy, squishy pants

because they're all chubby? Can you hear the old ladies under the bleachers giving each other adult diaper wedgies pulling their wedgy little wedgies up into their wedgy holes oh my gosh

we're about to cut the ribbon here there's the mayor there's the mayor going by flipping me off okay nice to see you too your honor but I'm going to be with you for the next little while on the Harland Highway

I'm going to be driving home with you I'm going to be your little carpool buddy. I'm going to be that guy in the back seat looking out the window crunching celery and smelling like pomegranate sauce. I'm going to be the guy

in the car next to you driving down the highway. You're going to casually look over and I'm going to casually look over at you and we'll make eye contact and I'll seductively lift my shirt my Iron Maiden

T-shirt and press my giant hooters against the glass so they look like great big giant squid eyes you'll wonder am i driving home or am i 20,000 leagues under the sea oh how erotic yes we're going to be driving along every day pulling off going down the exit ramps into new places visiting new people exploring together making your drive home interesting we're going to have some laughs we're going to have some fun

we're going to have a maple bun I don't know why I said that was just me rhyming but let's go let's get it started the very first show let's slowly put the foot on the gas slide it into first gear

let's overcome inertia and watch the wheels start to move as the miles begin to slip away and we head into the sunset and get you home the beautiful purple sunset with the bird flu encrusted geese flying through hunk hunk, toot, teat, beep, welcome to the Harland Highway. Okay, so let me tell you what's going to happen here

on the Harland Highway. I'm going to try to, on a daily basis, bring you a half hour of mirth and merriment and comedy and observations and chuckles and stories and yarns. I'm going to spin some yarns. What hell does that even mean? Spin some yarns.

What am I a witch? Gather around, everybody. Old Harley's spinning some yarns. And when I'm finished, you'll have a nice pullover sweater. And Timmy, you'll have a little turtleneck. Yay. Shut up, you little creep. Yeah, I'm going to be spinning some yarns.

What the hell is wrong with me? Spinning yards, I'm going to have guests. I'm going to have comedians on my show on the Harland Highway. Celebrities, donut makers, janitors. And of course, I will probably have a plethora of your favorite reoccurring characters, just all kinds of things. And we'll be talking about topics that are near and dear to you, like cleaning and personal hygiene and sexual activity and pastries and sea creatures, not the kind that are in the first two. 200 feet of the sea. I'm talking about the ones way, way down.

I'm talking about the elephant octopus, the dumbo octopus. I'm talking about anglerfish. I'm talking about six guild sharks. You know what? I might go so deep. I'm going to throw in a 9-12 and a 17 stereo sound guild shark. And yeah, there's probably. ectologists out there that say, those don't exist, he's a madman.

What's he talking about a 12 guild shark? That's Satan talking right there. Well, here's something for you, ectologists. Your profession starts with the term, eck. So how does that, what does that say to you about what line of work you went in? What's your dad do for a living, John? Ech Ology

I mean, whose light of work starts with that negative connotation. What do you do for work? Well, I'm in crap illogy and

my sister here's in a ology. So there. And we're going to have your reoccurring characters. Well, they're not really character. They're real people. I mean, I'll probably be doing them, but no, I won't.

They're real. They're real people, but I'll be doing the voices. No, the real people. Yeah, but you're going to be doing the voices, Harlan. Yeah, but no, I'm not. They're real characters. They're real people. No, you're going to be doing the voices because you hear voices in your head.

And that's what you're going to. you do. Okay, okay. So I'm going to be doing the voices, but I will bring you hopefully some amusing and interesting and deep, deep, deep characters. What else are we going to offer here? We don't have ice cream, but I have a feeling there will be a lot of prank phone calls to keep you happy. I will probably be playing some music from time to time. You know, all kinds of things. This is just the place to be.

If you're not here, you might as well be in a nursing home, peeling pomegranates and counting the little pomegranate pods inside. And while you're at it, put them in a bucket of water and sit on them with your adult diaper and try to fertilize them and see if you can create little pomegranate fish. I don't know. That's a bad visual. But nonetheless, I'm excited to bringing you to be bringing.

I'm so excited I couldn't even put the words together right there. Did you catch that? I'm like, I'm so excited that bringing you the stuff and I'm real happy and I will do stuff. and the thing, um, podcast. I want to play with the sloth from Goonies. I want to play with the big sloth with the moldy forehead and the buck teeth from Goonies. All right. So, um, thank you.

Thank you one and all for, uh, listening in. I am going to try and bring this to you every day. There will be times when I'm not going to be consistent because I have other duties. I have stand-up gigs. I have movies to shoot. I have opera to sing. See? And so there will be times when you won't get a freshly cooked podcast flapjack.

But don't get frustrated because I promise you that if you have to archive a half hour iPod flapjack or podcast flapjack. It will be just as good. So I'm going to do my best to bring you a freshie every day. And I hope you enjoy, man. Eventually, I hope to set up a function so you can call me and leave me your voice messages and comment. You can always, always write me and comment about the show. You can go to Har Website at gmail.com. Let me give it to you again. And let me give it to you in more of an announcery voice,

so it sounds more official. You can reach Harlan Williams at Harwebside.com. There. Harwebside.com, you can write to the Harlan. Highway and leave me your comments, your discrepancies, your violent fantasies, your nightmares, what have you. And that's it. So sit back, relax, and, hey, take a listen to this.

Well, let's play some funeral music here. Yeah, it's a sad day. Hit the funeral music, Raj. It looks like the oldest person in the world died yesterday. A lady in Memphis, Tennessee, 116 years old. Are you kidding me, man? Didn't Jim Morrison die when he was 26? Actually, Harland, Jim Morrison died when he was 28,

and so did Janice Joplin, 28, and Jimmy Hendricks, also 28. And this broad lived to be 116? do you know how many albums the doors would have right now if they had lived that long do you know how many drugs janus joplin would have done you know many uh cool guitar solos jimmy hendricks would have done this poor lady man do you want to live that long 116 do you want to outlive the tree in your yard i mean you got to figure at about a hundred nine that tree's going to like fall over and you got to go man I used to feel old when I went to a nightclub, but watching that tree live and die before I did,

that kind of gives you one right in the old ribs there, huh? What do you do at that age, man? How many boyfriends have been through at 116? You could probably lie, you know? Hey, baby, how old are you? I'm 16. Wow, you look kind of mature for your age. Yeah, well, I'm 16.

I know I'm lying about the extra hundred part. Man, can you imagine being that old? Oh, you fart, dust comes out. That's just, that's old, man. You've got so many vericose veins on your legs. You use them as a roadmap. I think we're lost. I better roll up my shorts.

Oh, let's see, go there. Okay. We're back on track. It's Highland Williams. Spock said it best, people. Live long and prosper. Wow, there it is. There it is.

There it is. How long do you want to live? Huh? I mean, do you want to stay alive that long? Do you want to see where the human race goes to? Do you want to see what kind of gadgets we have next? I think that's why I want to live to be 9,221. And the reason I throw on the 21 is because 9,221 is the drinking age in the future.

You know that bar and Star Wars that all those freaks were hanging out? Yeah, you got to have a valid spaceship driver's license with 9,221. 21 being the operative age to suck back on. granddaddy's cops, Sarah Palau. But yeah, I want to see what happens. I mean, look it, when I first went to school, okay, and I think it was around grade 10, this amazing invention came out,

this incredible revolutionary invention, this computer age, space age technology came out. I don't know, can you fly on it? Can you shoot a ray gun? Can you vaporize things? No, not quite, but what was this thing? A calculator. The Texas Instrument hand palm calculator, okay?

For centuries and centuries and centuries, people had been, you know, using the abacus or, you know, putting pencil to paper. And then all of a sudden we had the jets. Okay, we had the Texas Instrument calculator. And for guys like me that weren't good in math, it was great, but then I had to figure out how to work the damn calculator, which still was like just doing math. But my point is, we had the calculator, and we were like, wow, look at this, the future is here. and then for like the next 25 years nothing

nothing at all i think vcrs and disc players you know vcrs and beta disc or whatever they were that was the big ooh look at this guy he's got a VHS player is that VCR what he's got beta oh my god is there a robot that can show us how to to work it? This is so futuristic. Yeah, right. That stuff's a joke now. It's like playing an old scratchy

record. Who has their VHSs anymore? But my point is again, since I strayed off it again, my point is that all of a sudden we got into like the mid-90s and stuff just started coming at us like a tsunami. It's like someone dumped all the

technology in the sea and the sea welled up and just keeps washing it all over us. We went into did the digital age. We went into the internet. We went into cell phones. We went into fax machines. I mean, it's still coming. We got video games and we and iPhones and laser jet printers and liposuction. Okay, that one, that one's, I don't know where that one came from. It sounded good at the moment, but now I regret it. But getting back to my point for the 30th time is now I'm intrigued, man. I'm hooked.

Like, I don't want to die. I want to see what the next contraption is in the next month, in the next few days, in the next hour. That's how quickly they seem to be coming. We've just discovered a new form of electricity just now. Yeah, well, I just discovered a new way to float and live to nine million. Oh, okay, you win. Like, it just is...

Stuff is coming out of so fast and furious that I want to see where it all leads to. I sincerely believe that we will live. to be older, you know, maybe we will live to be 116, but in a healthy way, not in the sham wow type of way, whereas if we fall on the ground, we absorb spills, because we're so wrinkly and our skin is so leathery. Yeah, I want to see it, man. I want to see us floating around. I want to see us making funny noises.

I want to see it all. So maybe I do want to live to be old. And I don't know if the ladies want to live to be old because, I mean, this is going to be off-putting, but after a certain age, if you get a yeast infection, do you pee donuts? That's what I'm trying to. It's a sensitive topic because I love donuts

and I love women, but mixing them together. and I don't know. Do you breastfeed a baby cottage cheese? Is that wrong to say? Am I going too far here, people? I'm just, I'm trying to say getting old has its pluses and its minuses. I want to see the future. So I'm going to say it right now.

This is a breakthrough moment on the Harland Highway. I'm going to say it right here, right now. I want to live to be 9,000. I know I changed it from earlier, but I just upped it a little. How long do you want to live to be? Huh? How long can you take it? How long can you take the cable news networks?

How long can you take the road rage? How long can you take the Twinkies and the artificial food enhancers? How long can you take the nagging and the bills? and the phone calls and the noisy neighbors and watching your dog die every 14 years how long can you take it I don't know we'll find out when we come back

right after this you know what we get new technology here all the time at the Harland Highway we're always getting new gadgets to enhance your listening experience and filters and sound equipment and, you know, microphones and just high-tech stuff

that you probably can't even get your head around. I mean, don't even try. Uh-uh. But we got this thing, we got this little device here where we can actually go out into the stratosphere and pick up sounds from orbit, from outer space. I guess the theory is it's like these guys with the giant satellite dishes sitting on the top of a mountain in Hawaii.

We listen for extraterrestrial activity, voices, sounds, any type of clue that there's something out there. So I got my producer here, Roger. Roger, let's turn this thing on and see if we can pick up any intelligent life out there, okay? Flick on the switch, Roger. Here we go. Let's see what we find out there in space. Get the tools.

What tools? The tools we've been using for the last 10 years. Oh, those tools. Oh, oh, whoa, oh, whoa. Oh, whoa. Oh, it's hot. Oh, whoa. Oh, we had a signal there and looks like we lost it.

Wow. Wow. How about that, huh? Well, I guess that point. roofs there is stuff out there we're not alone people okay there's more out there in the universe than just the harland highway and you this is exciting we're gonna we're gonna tap into this thing a little more off and see what's out there we'll come back and do another one on the harland highway mother of mercy i think that was the i think that was the three stooges i could hear

out there floating around in orbit. Imagine that. Imagine if a UFO actually finally found its way across the galaxies through the corridors and the byways of infinity. A UFO with five or six little green guys with over-expanded brains and giant skulls the size of. elephant feet, and they finally burst into Earth's atmosphere,

and the first human beings they meet are the three stooges. We come in peace, earthlings. Woo-w-w-w-w-wib-w-w-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h. Hey there, grease ball. I'm a wise guy, eh? We are the F out of here. You are freaks. Yeah, I could just see them high tail in it real quick.

It should be our first line of defense against enemy alien invaders. The Three Stooges. Somehow we have to bring them back from the grave, exhumed their bodies. Why do we have a feeling even the Three Stooges' corpses would be up to some hijinks? You know, you? Exhum the body of Curly, and you slowly crack open that oak casket. You're expecting to see a skull. Just see Curly there lying there perfectly preserved.

His eyes pop open. Oh, a wise guy, eh? Trying to bury me under the earth. Woo, bo, bo, bo, bo, bo, bo, bo, woo, woo, bo, whee, bo, whee, woo, whee, whee, whee, whee, whee, whee. Whip-wib-wib-wib-bub-b-b-b-b-w-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-haw. The treasures of Curly. What kind of treasures could that guy have? A crowbar? A shovel? Maybe a screwdriver stuck up his nose. Those are Curly's treasures. Oh, Lord.

Gotta love the Stooges. I don't know how we went from talking about the future of the human race and technology and all the gadgets and wizardry that's coming down the technological superhighway. Suddenly I digress. and I de-evolve right back to the basest form of humanity vis-a-vis Curly and his brothers. What happened to those guys, man? I hear that my pals, the Farley brothers, are actually setting up to do a feature film of the Three Stooges, which yeah i better get i better put a call into those boys and uh that is a movie i want to be part of

um that would be something so i'm looking forward to that and uh i'm looking forward to you folks i'm looking forward to you folks tuning in to the harland highway every day telling your friends and we're just going to keep ratcheting it up a notch every day. Hoping to put a smile on your face, make you laugh, enjoy yourself. It's a pleasure. And be sure to subscribe to the Harland Highway podcast. You can email me your comments or your disgust or whatever you want at Harlan Highway Podcast. Harlandwilliams.com.

I will read your emails. I might even read some of them on this show if they're juicy enough. And eventually I will have a phone line you can call and you can leave me a voice message and try to seduce me or just vent. Vent your rage at the world. And hopefully we'll turn that rage around and turn it into loud. after, because that's what we're all about here. I'm Harland Williams.

We'll talk to you tomorrow. Honk, honk, toot, beep, beep. You're listening to the Harland Highway. Chicken Chowmamee, baby. The Harland Highway. The Valley of the Jolly. Peep, peep, peep, peat. Green Giant.

Wow. So there it is. There you go. The very first Harland Highway podcast. man history history in the making and uh you know we started off with zero listeners because nobody knew it existed and now we have all you guys so this is great and we keep growing and uh please keep telling your friends your families people overseas if you have if you have uh acquaintances overseas i really love the concept the idea of people on the other side of the world and other countries

listening to the highway it just tickles my trinklesaurus um and it's funny listening i mean even my voice i hate to say it my voice sounds a little bit younger um you know i'm only 18 but when i started i guess there was 15 or something and no um but it's weird it's just uh it's the inflections it's it's the uh the tones of the voice a little bit i hear it a little bit Maybe you don't. I do. But, hey, there it is. So I hope you enjoyed it.

And like I said, we'll sprinkle in some more early episodes until we get you caught up all the way to, I think it's number 42. And you get to hear all the Harland highways that are in existence. So now that we've played the vintage classic clip, let's deal with the future. let's deal with today and let's make some announcements okay if you want to see me live doing stand-up comedy kicking ass uh you can catch me in rally north carolina i'll be uh at charlie good nights really good club from what i'm hearing uh Thursday september 13th to the 16th and uh at the end of the month you can catch me in calgary alberta canada uh september 27th to the 29th at the Blackfoot Inn Comedy Club up there, Calgary, Alberta, Canada.

Go to my website, harlone Williams.com. Click on the stand-up link. You can order your tickets right online. Also, check out our store. Pick yourself up some fun merchandise to make you laugh. And remember, it's because of your emails and your phone calls that I dug up these retro episodes. If you have any requests, questions, comments, insults. You know the number 323-739-4330. Or you can write me at harlornwilliams.com. And we love hearing from you.

So there you go. Episode 1. Thanks for sticking along for this ride down the crazy highway. And until next time, everybody, chicken. Chal mean, baby. Thank you.