The Harland Highway - ERICA RHODES, her voice can open doors and your heart. Let her in for this incredible episode.

Episode Date: August 27, 2024

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slash C-O-N-T-R-O-L for your free trial. That's Aura.com slash control. Do you know the only porn I've ever seen is Disney porn? You've never watched a porno movie? I've never watched a porno movie. How come? People don't believe me when I say that.

I believe you? And I didn't see it on purpose, but somehow on YouTube, it came up like the Disney characters having sex. Who was having sex? Like Donald Duck? You know, I think it was like Aladdin and the Little Mermaid. Oh, man. Imagine Aladdin and Donald Duck. It's a brave new world. Oh, yeah. Oh, that's it, Minnie. Oh, yeah, right there. Oh, don't stop, Minnie. Oh, oh, ho. Pluto, stop looking. Get away from the end of the band.

I'm Pluto watching at the end of the bed. Wow. Yeah, I'm just saying. It sounds like a movie you've seen. You're riding down the Harland Highway. All right, hold tight on the Harland Highway Show. Harland Williams. It's a cool shirt you have on.

Do you like it? Yeah, it kind of reminds me of my childhood. You wore a shirt? I don't know, that design. Like, I feel like it reminds me of a children's book I've had. Oh, like Cowboy Kitty or something? Yeah, there was some kind of, there was some artists that drew kind of like that back in the day. Really?

Yeah. What was the story about? Like, how did it end? It was like a dream type story. There was like a dream sequence. So there's a cowboy cat. I don't know if I remember a cowboy cat literally. I just like the design style looks like.

I like how you said cat and then literally. Did I say literal? You could have said literally box and it would have just fit in. It wasn't a cat. Oh, yeah, literally. You know, like the way you play with words already. On a subconscious level, too. Yeah, I didn't even do that on purpose.

Wow. Okay, do you remember the ending of the kid, the kiddie book? The kid's, the kidd kiddie book. The kiddie, the kidd book. The kid litter book. The kid lit, literally. Imagine making your kid read Curious George sitting in a litter box. Oh my gosh.

I loved Curious George. And the kid thought Curious George was one of the cats little brown loaves. Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no. Is that what happened in your childhood? Went to the zoo. Kids playing with a cat loaf? No.

Oh, no. How did this one end? Your book? How did kitty litter? Well, I don't know if it had anything to do with cats, but it. I feel like there were two sisters and something about the sisters and there was some dream sequence with the sisters and there was a rainbow. Oh, they were gay?

The sisters? Yeah. Not with each other. Okay. But maybe. Well, you said there was a rainbow. Nowadays, isn't that funny how the rainbow immediately now, they commandeered the rainbow. Everything's just gay.

And back then it wasn't gay. No, it was just a rainbow. Like now when I see a rainbow after a beautiful rainstorm in the spring, I just pictured two guys floating around in a hot tub rubbing oil on each other. I used to smell the flowers and see hummingbirds. Now I'm picturing like, you know, two hairy guys rolling down, broke back mountain. It's like, come on.

Well, you can't help where your mind goes now. That's true. What your own dream sequences. Do you make wishes on rainbows? Actually, yeah, I think I do. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, because I am superstitious. you're super licious why could I think of another one why am I blanking on any super oh supercilious yeah I'm super sillious you're super sillis but here's the thing when someone calls you superlicious

it's such a biggie that your mind goes into a bit of a like do you ever have a slurpy freeze yeah you have a compliment freeze when someone calls you superlicious yeah because it is pretty much the highest compliment you get stunned for a good 30 40 seconds i didn't know what to say you didn't and then it took you while to find supercilious yeah which most of my viewers don't know what that means i do but they don't if you could explain we've got uh david donkey teeth in uh bermuda

we've got uh carol clam chowder i forget what it means super sillius does it mean really silly yeah That's what I thought. I think it's as like the super silly is. Yeah. The original comic book back in the 30s, it was super silliest. Yeah. Before it was Superman. He still had the S.

And he would land. People would be like tied to a train track and he'd land and go, ha, ha, ha, ha. And he'd like make a balloon animal and pop it in their face. And like, aren't you supposed to save me? And then they had to change it and make him Superman. Oh, because he got too silly. He was too silly. He was too silly.

He didn't take his job seriously. Super silliest. He took it super silliest instead of super seriously. Yeah. Faster than a, you know, whatever. It was a whole different song. I'm glad that I remembered what it meant because for a second I was like, I don't know. I'm not sure I remember.

It's okay. Look, we forget. We forget. Do you forget, do you like combinations, phone numbers, people's names that you've hung around with? I always forget names. Always. What was the most embarrassing situation you were in, and how do you recover?

I have a method I can share with you. That's a really good idea. That's a good, most embarrassing name. That you forgot? I mean, I feel like it happens frequently, so there's not one particular one. One time I said, nice to meet you, and he's like, we've met several times. And so then someone taught me to say, always say, it's good. to see you.

Oh, right. Instead of good to meet you, just in case. Just in case. Just in case. Always say good to see you. How do you get out of it if you're with someone? Let's say you're with someone and then you bump into someone you know, but you forget their name. You just, well, the technique is you just go, this is Harlan.

Right. Okay. And then they're supposed to say who they are or whatever. Oh, hi, nice to meet you. Yeah. I go, I go, oh, if you two met. And then I sort of turn away so that they're forced to go, oh, I'm David, I'm Carol.

I've done that. Also, I have this thing where if I'm leaving someone that I'm supposed to know, and they're like, bye, Erica, I go, bye, so good to see you. Like I add some weird sentence, you know, like so good to see you. So it doesn't sound like I'm just saying, bye. Yeah. And just so we have full clarity here. Yeah.

So there's no, I'm Harland. Harlan. Harlan Williams. Did I say it wrong? No, I just, in case you blanked, in case... Oh, thank you. And I'm Erica Rhodes. Erica Rhodes, ladies and gentlemen, perfect time to do the intro music.

I was just doing that whole thing so you'd say your name, even though I have it written right here. Erica Rhodes right here on the Holland Highway podcast, I guarantee a comedian, actress, writer, performer, What's something I don't know That I should be saying? I play cello a little bit Chello. Cellist. Really?

Yeah. Did you have to play tucker tucker Rough Rough and Peanuts and Popcorn when you were learning? I know, but maybe like the Dut, do, do, do, do, do what is it? Hot Crosse, not Hot Crest Buns. Oh, that one too.

The mountain. Brokeback mountain. Not the broke back one, the other. Okay. Something Mountain. Because that's a tough one on kids learning cello. And by the way, isn't a cell, can we just say it? Isn't a cello a fat as fuck violin?

Can we just say it's a fat, obese violin? It's not really fat. It's just taller. Looks fat is, looks like an oval. It's got, it has a nice little waste. It goes in at the waist. But it looks like a violin that just showed up at a golden corral buffet and couldn't stop. It prefers curvy.

Curvy. Okay. Curvy. Shervey. God. My little sister played cello. So the reason I know Tucka Tucka Ruff and Peanuts and Popcorn and Hot Cross Bonds, when I was a teenager, when teenagers like to sleep, my little sister would be down in the living room with my mother going, Tucka, Tucka Ruff Ruff, Peanuts and Popcorn, Hot Cross Bons.

So annoying. I would yell. I'd be shut up. I'd be screaming down the stairs. I'm an 18 year old. I want to sleep till noon. It's seven in the morning. Shut up with the tucker,

tucker rough, rough. Yeah. Shut up with the peanuts and popcorn. Did she have to sing it at the same time? No, she just played it. Oh, she played it. Okay.

That would be worse if she had to sing it. Maybe she did. I was just seeing red. Like I went into OJ country. Were you playing something? Did you play music? I had to play piano. a little bit.

Yeah, yeah. But I was forced. That's less annoying, too. Piano's less annoying. Yeah, but those lessons were hard. Like going to my, the piano lessons were at this lady's house. Mm-hmm.

And my parents, like, they made me drag the piano up there. And I was like, my back. Like, yeah, I'm young, but. You had to drag the piano to the. Well, didn't you have to take your cello to the channel lessons? You don't have to take your piano? In my house, we did. Was it a big piano?

It's a baby grand. I had the soarest back as a child My back was so sore Just to play twinkle twinkle little star Little boy had to throw out his spleen Most people had teachers that came with the piano I know right We are neighborhood Dementoid Central

We were right on the corner of Dementoid and Fucknard Oh jeez Like that's where our house was Bucknard was a real street Right on the corner yeah 22 fucknard Boulevard and Dementoid Avenue. Wow. So what was your porn name?

Because don't you combine your street name with your first pet? Oh yeah. Was it fucknard? Fuckoid. Your dog was named Oid? No, Dementoid and fucknard. But then you have to combine it with your first pet. With your dog?

Yeah, with your animal, first pet. That's your porn name. It'd be fucknoid Sally, I guess. That's pretty good. Wow. God. You'll violate it. That's pretty good.

Yeah. What was your porn name? Ridgeway, Shelly. Wow. Or Shelly Ridgeway would probably be better. That's kind of hot. It's pretty good.

Do you like it? Yeah, I like it. It's kind of spicy. Yeah. Shelly Ridgeway. Shelly Ridgeway. Shelly Ridgeway. Shelly Ridgeway.

Shelly Ridgeway. Terrace. Called the. Do you get a, do you have a porn name if you live on a cul-de-sac? Yeah, it's just the name of whatever the cul-de-sac was. Oh, okay. All right, so Erica Rhodes, one of the things, I want to talk about the superstition thing. Yeah.

Because you said you did one that I've never heard of before. You put your purse on the ground. Yeah, and then I said, and then I said, you're not supposed to put your purse on the ground. Why? Because something about like purses, you know, associated with money, you're not supposed to put it on the ground because you're kind of like not letting any money into it or you're like, you're like preventing it from, I don't know, somehow you have to like have it be up, upright on something. The purse. Yeah. I'm not supposed to put it on the ground.

But what happens is it like? There's no money. No money will come into it if it's on the ground. Like. Huh. abstract in the abstract. In the abstract. Yeah.

But in reality, I almost feel like if you're out on the street and you put your money, your purse on the ground in front of you, many passers by might go, oh, there's a vagrant and there's an opening. Let's throw some money. Whereas if it's elevated, they're not going to be able to see into an empty purse. I'm just, you know, being picky. I'm picking here. Yeah, I mean, I think you're thinking more literally rather than like the universe.

Yeah. Like most superstitions aren't literal. They're like the universe is going to see that you're not respecting your purse. You're putting it on the ground. Yeah. And you're not letting money flow into it. Okay. Are you like, do you believe in all that stuff?

Lucky and unlucky and all. Well, I just have weird ones. Like I, maybe it's a little OCD-ish. Okay. But I have a couple weird ones. Like what? Like never toast with water. I never do.

Toast? Toast. Like if someone, like toasting. Oh, oh, like a cheer. Yeah. Yeah. Don't toast with water. How come?

It's just unlucky. You're talking like drinking water. Yeah. So don't do a cheers with water. What if like your kids an Olympic swimmer and they're going for the gold? Well, you think they're in the water. Right. But okay.

They're not cheering. cheering with the water. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. What if you got a new fish for your fish tank? I mean, there's times when you might want to cheers water. I'm just saying, what if you got a new bird bath in the yard or you're?

Those aren't, that's not in a glass. You're not going to cheer. Have you ever cheered with a goldfish? No, but I might want to celebrate that I got a new goldfish in my fish tank and be like, cheer, you know. Oh, like. separately. Yeah.

Well, can you do it with a glass of wine? Yeah. So. But water is a fish's world. So it would be kind of trying to show my fish that I'm being inclusive and welcome to the household versus trying to poison it with red vino. But you're not pouring the water into the fish bowl. Maybe I is.

Maybe I ain't and maybe I is. You take everything very literally, it seems. I do. I think that's something. You just brought out in me. Yeah. Normally I'm not literal at all. You're more abstract normally.

Yeah. Oh, interesting. Yeah. So maybe we reversed rolls a bit. Yeah. Yeah. Huh. You're like, someone's got to be the one with their feet on the ground here.

Yeah. Wow. Do you not have any superstitions? I have this superstition. It's a weird one. It's kind of obscure. Don't rob a bank without a mask on your face. Because I feel like.

one yeah i feel like every time i get this bad luck where they get me yeah like they see who it is but if i have a mask i seem to pull it off but if i don't have a mask i feel like oh these stupid cameras and people can identify me and police renderings and so that's one yeah that is a weird one yeah because you would think without a mask it might be luckier yeah and this other stupid one when i do drive-bys i always leave my license plate on the back of my car like an idiot and I feel like I get caught every time and I think

in the future I'm going to take it off so I don't get, you know seems like I'm getting some bad luck Yeah Hey everybody this is Harland I'm so excited We finally have some Harland Highway merchandise for you guys T-shirts, coffee mugs, stickers

available at Harbleng.com So get on at Pavement Pounders, Harland Highway merch. Woo! Also, certain numbers are unlucky for me, like, but if they're obvious numbers, like 13 is unlucky for me, which is very on the nose and kind of embarrassing, because some people are like, oh, 13 is my lucky number. Yeah. For me, it's my unlucky number like it should be.

Yeah, right. Right? And then 14 is also unlucky. So if I'm making a list, I'll go 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 15. oh wow and when you go to buildings do you go to buildings that don't have a 14th floor yeah okay or if there is one i don't go to it okay yeah i used to be freaked out by the 13th floor not being there yeah but then i went and i found out the 14th floor is the 13th floor so i feel like i was lied to oh so you're like oh it's just it's still the 13th but it's identifying as 14

It's identifying as a 14. Yeah, I could see how you would feel, like, betrayed. Liars. Yeah. Lovers and liars. That's life. It's wife. Happy life, happy wife.

Happy life. Except if you're... Not married? Or you're on that show forensic files. Oh, yeah. I don't know if that. If that saying really applies to you. Happy life, dead wife.

Yeah. Murdered wife. Great life. Creepy. Yeah. All right. So one of the things I want to talk about, because it's your voice, it's like probably one of the cutest, like, voices around.

Oh, thanks. Yeah. You have, like, just one of those naturally cute voices. Aw. Yeah. Some people might not think it's cute. Why? I don't know.

because it's kind of high and annoying maybe. No. To some people. No. No? Those people are out of it. Yeah, probably. But what I wanted to do, and just if you'll indulge me.

Yes. To see if like your cute voice. Yeah. Like supersedes everything. Like I wanted to see if it would work in every single scenario. Okay. So you want me to say certain things? I wondered if you'd read a quick passage from a Stephen King novel.

And just see if it still came off as cute. If it's still cute? It's just a quickie. Okay. Yeah, if you won't mind. Which Stephen King novel is this? You'll see after. Do you know I have a funny story about Stephen King where my dad, I once had a sleepover.

When I was like a really young kid, I was like seven or something. Okay. And someone was sleeping, I was thinking it was a boy who was sleeping over. And my dad read a Stephen King novel to us. I went to bed. And he called his mom crying, saying you need to pick me up. What? Do you remember what novel it was?

Probably one of the scarier ones. Oh, I think it was, wait, is something it, is it? Oh, it, yeah. I think it was it. And then the sequel, shh. Yes, something like that. Shit, yeah. Shit.

But that's a long sleepover. Like for your dad to read a whole Stephen King novel. Wait, yeah. about a three week. He didn't read the whole thing, but I think he read quite a bit, at least a chapter to us. What a great way to not have the bratty kids come back. Yeah, I think that's probably what, that's what he, he wanted to scare off the boys. Yeah.

You know, because it was a boy. So he was like, oh, yeah, you can have a sleep more with a boy, honey. Yeah. Smart dad. All right, ready, let it rip. Stephen King by Erica Rhodes. Nell's eyes. Mel's eyes were wide open, straining to see what was happening, what the source was for this

grotesque and unexpected eruption of bodily fluids. Before he could formulate an answer, Pam Lansing's head popped up from behind the middle seat in her aisle, her eyes glowing like flashlights in the dark, her face completely red, drenched in human blood. She chewed gluttonously on some unidentifiable chunk of flesh, several veins and tendons trapped between, her teeth the length of them hanging down beneath her chin swaying like rubbery wind chimes as her hungry jaws snapped open and shut eating like a wild beast starved and craving sustenance and then in the next instant she was gone dipping back down behind the seats the sounds of more ghastly chewing Wow, that was adorable. I thought it was really in character, actually. Oh, right?

Like, so cute. Oh, my God. That's the cutest zombie. Was it still cute? I thought it was pretty intense. It was, but so cute. I mean, when I was, like, swaying, like, rubbery wind chimes, weren't you scared? I think it was almost like a, like, a baby duckling or a,

a rabbit reading to me. God. I thought it was really in character there. I thought I was like, you know. No, the enunciation, the way you read it was, you perfectly nailed it. Yeah. But with that voice, what a darling of a story it turned into. Wow.

Glutnously. Wow. What a good word. She chewed gluttonously. Is that even a word? Does Stephen King know words? She chewed glutinously. I think so.

It's gluttonously a word. On some unidentifiable chunk. Unidentifiable. Yeah, that's right. Chunk. These are good. This is a good passage. Isn't that wild?

Yeah, it's pretty good. Yeah. But, yeah, I mean, it was hard in acting school. They made me talk like a man. They'd be like, talk like from your diaphragm. No way. I had a lot of ha-ha-humas. Do you want to read just like the first sentence in the man voice and see how that goes?

I'll try, okay. You know, you don't have to read the whole thing, but just the first sentence, maybe. Nell's eyes were wide open, straining to see what was happening. Wow. Stop. Too scary. What the source was for this grotesque and unexpected eruption of bodily fluids. Too scary.

Yeah. You like the high voice better. When you did it before, I almost picture you coddling a baby, like a newborn with placenta. over its face or nursing or a cuddling of baby koala like it just when you talked about the pam eating the flesh and i almost pictured like a school of baby ducklings walking across a calf like just real it is comforting i guess yeah your voice like this is a compliment her eyes glowing like flashlights in the dark her face completely red drenched in human blood She chewed gluttonously on some unidentifiable chunk of flesh.

Can we talk about America's Got Talent? Sure. Like you're in it. Like right now, can we say that? Yeah, you could say it. And tell me about the experience. it's been fun yeah yeah i mean every step of the way i didn't know if i was going to keep going yeah are you allowed to say how far you've come along can you say yeah well i've only done one

round so far okay now i'm going to do the lives so it's the next so just two so far oh wow knock see knock on wood i have to knock yeah yeah and and they have to the judges have to give you four stars or three stars for you to come back yeah four yeses wow So I got that the first time. You did? Are you terrified? I was actually. I was pretty nervous.

I kept telling everyone, I'm nervous. When you were on stage? Both, yeah. Really? Well, how he asked me, he's like, are you nervous? And I was like, actually, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I'm pretty nervous.

Oh, man. And then I said, I'm surprised. Why? Because you're surprised, you're nervous? I was like, yeah, I don't usually get like this. You don't? Not really. Not a stand-up.

Yeah, because you've been doing it how long? Like 12 years. 12 years. But performing on. my life. Acting? Yeah. Wow.

Wow. So I was surprised I was nervous. I was very nervous. Was it because you, is it nervous because you know you're being broadcast and going out all over the world or was it nervous just within the confines of the auditorium? Honestly, what made me nervous was talking to the judges before. Oh, yeah. I performed because we're not used to doing that.

It's not like, it's not like we normally go out to the audience and we do like a Q&A. and then do our stand-up. Yeah, right. You usually go out in the mentality of I am about to do stand-up. Yeah. So talking to someone. The worst. And then doing stand-up feels so weird because we're supposed to sound like we're talking.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So then if you're talking and then it's like now it looks like a shift. Yeah, right. That's what made me nervous. And when you do stand-up, you go out and you're in a certain mindset. And you're not necessarily a character. Right. But you're a bit of a different incarnation of who you are in real life.

Yes. So now you're engaging with not only people, but for people in the entertainment industry. Yes. Prominent people. Yeah. You're shooting the breeze talking about the weather. Yeah. And then suddenly like, now do your act.

Yeah. That's not natural. No. Plus, I think I just get more. I have more social anxiety with talking to people than talking at people. Yeah. I get, you know, because it's unpredictable. Like, I could say something weird or, you know, something I regret saying.

And then the whole, my whole set, I'll be thinking, oh, why did I say that? Oh, damn. Yeah. And then sometimes the judges, like, they're talking to you and they might take you down a road you don't want to go. Like, they'll just innocently say, oh, where'd you grow up? And then you flash back to maybe a bad memory or you're thinking about, now you're thinking about your parents or why. watching you or it's just like gets in your head. You want to go out on your terms mentally.

And they change the dynamic. Exactly. That's why I'm glad I admitted to being nervous because I think if I hadn't been honest, that would have shifted me into a dishonest place. Wow. You know where else you probably experience this too when we go into audition for acting?

Yes. You've been working on a script for four days. You're like the pumpkin farmer down the road and you become a pumpkin farmer guy when you're reading, and then you go in and you've got to read for a room full of producers and directors, and they go, hey, Harland, how you doing? And you're like, well, I just came down the 405 and it was busy. I was like, okay, now I become a pumpkin farmer.

You know what I mean? Like, you want to just go in and go, I'm the pumpkin farmer. But it totally throws you off your game. True. Although I haven't been in for an audition in years. Why not? Because it's all self-tape lately. Oh, yeah, that's true.

Yeah. Yeah. So I haven't actually gone in anywhere. Yeah, that's true. But when you used to have to. Yeah. It was brutal. It was because you'd be like thinking of the line.

And also you'd be like in your head like remember the line. Remember the first line. You got to remember the line. So how are you doing? Yeah. Yeah. And you're also doing it. You're going in as a character.

So you want to go in as that character. And now you're you again. Right. Gosh, I kind of miss those auditions. You do? Yeah. I miss going in because it felt like kind of felt like a performance. Yeah.

Whereas when you're on self-tape, you can do it as many times as you want. You know, it's like it takes out that kind of moment-to-moment stuff. Wait, you liked going in and auditioning? Kind of. I kind of miss it now. Oh, wow. When you brought it up like that, I was like, oh, yeah, those were kind of.

Yeah. You get all nervous, you know, you get kind of excited and nervous and then. I hated the driving. Oh, no, I hated the driving. Like my agent, you got. be you got an audition down in Santa Monica and I'm like no I'd find every excuse in the book to hate the script I go you know they're shooting in Miami I don't want to you know and then you don't want to go yeah that's why I stopped doing commercial auditions yeah because I was like I'm not

driving an hour to say five things yeah and then with commercials they have they have like seven callbacks yeah as they weed you down and those are bad and then when you don't get it It's just forget it. I don't need to be like the Peptobismo guy that badly, you know. No, I want to do real acting like this monologue. I think that might lead to an acting role for you. You think so? Yeah.

The British, the British tough guy, horror guy. I've done a lot of horror films, actually. You have? I have, because I was very good at screaming. Well, for movies. What horror? Yeah. One that was called Plague Town.

Okay. About zombie children in Ireland. And then another called Killer I-2, don't look that one up. What is it? Killer I, too. Why? Why don't we look that one up? It's very, you're ashamed of it?

Yeah. Although I kissed a big reality star in it. Who? Ariana Maddox. Is that a guy or a girl? It's a girl. She's in Vanderpump Rules. She's like one of the big stars.

Whoa. And we had to do like a lesbian makeout scene. Come on. And while we were doing it, I was like, this girl's going to be a star. because she was all prepared. She was that good of a kisser? She was just very prepared. Whoa.

You know, she like had all the pasties and like the perfect underwear combo. Yeah, and I was not prepared. I was all anxious and self-conscious. Had you ever, had you ever,

Vanderpumped a girl before? No, I had never, I never had like a makeout scene with a girl. So that was your first time kissing another woman? I think I had maybe, you know,

like, but like, every girl's made out with a one. Made out with another, but I mean on camera. Yeah. That was the first. Did that freak you out? The whole thing.

I mean, the whole everything about it. So don't look that one up. No. And don't even talk about it really. Don't even. I should, you should bleep it. Yeah, we should have even mentioned. We should have even mentioned the one we don't want anyone to look up.

Yeah. I feel like you're telling them to look it up. Well, not with my mouth. With your eye, the eye movement. Maybe. Maybe I am with my eyes. What's the name of it again? You'd be a terrible hostage.

You'd be like. Would I? Yeah, because the eye movement is like, help, help. Yeah, someone would call the police 911 from just that. Yeah. If you were at the bar. Yeah. And you were going like that, people would be like, what's, we should call the police.

God, I love that band. They are a good band. Imagine being trapped in a jungle. Yeah. I'll be watching. Is that the police? You're locked in a cabin somewhere like a hostage and the police show up and do a show for you?

That would be nice. Oh, that would take the edge off of being a hostage. That's true. Hi, I'm Danny Lopiori. Ever get the feeling you're being watched online? It's not paranoia. It's data brokers. These companies collect your personal information,

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yeah where um Barbies no I have you no you want to be no but I've probably played like parts that works like hostage type parts really yeah like victim type roles you've done a lot of every Every topic I bring up, you've played it, apparently. I played a meth addict once. No. And it was like an intervention pilot, so they were trying to sell an actual intervention show based on this pilot. So they were trying to do it like docu-style documentary, you know?

And they auditioned all these people, and they were like, you were the most convincing meth addicts. Wow. I've never done math. Oh. That's how good of an actor I am. You've never done math. Never, have you?

No. Well, you'd be a bad liar, too. Your liar face is the same as your hostage face. I want to name my kid that if ever have a kid. Hostage face. Hostage face. Yeah. Get in the car.

Get in the car and stay there. No, get in the trunk. You're a hostage. What was the scene like backstage at ATZ? Was it crazy? Was it competitive? Um, it wasn't really competitive. It was just very,

everyone was like very focused on whatever they do. Okay. But it was, it was a lot of people. So there were like people like, you know, on a unicycle and then there were huge groups of kids doing flips and stuff. And then there was the ballerina, you know, balancing on glass bottles.

Whoa. And there, and I was just kind of an awe, you know, but I just sat by myself and just stared at everybody. Yeah, that's the funny thing about it. comedian you can just sit there they're probably going what what's that one doing yeah they kept saying

do you want to do you want to walk around do you want to talk to people i was like i'm good i'm just going to sit here a watch do you want to do some of your flips you're like oh i don't flip what what does she do is she a professional meditator like what i do i do talk to my i say my line my not my lines but i say my jokes in my head like over and over a little bit if i if i'm nervous just in case i'll just like lip you know do they make you screen your material before you do it Yeah. No, really? Yeah.

Oh, wow. So I did back in the day, the precursor to A-ZT was Star Search. Oh, yeah. There used to be this show called Star Search. Yeah, I remember that. Where two comedians would go out, two supermodel girls, two supermodel boys, singers, dancers. And I can't remember if there was another category. I think that was it.

Uh-huh. But backstage, I thought it would just be like, sort of. to mellow and people hanging out artsy fartsy yeah it was so competitive like parents were like right and you're going to go out there junior and you're going to sing your heart and you're going to win us like and like and the kids were just like shaking and oh no oh it was nuts were you there were you alone there alone i was there alone and i was like you i was just the comedian like i got i'm not going to do any twirls and you know the singers i remember there was this filipino guy who was a singer and it was very effeminate and

And then he was like, before every performance, I've got to eat a can of sardines. This is sort of how he talked. I'm not even, he had a very like kind of a fat. And he would open one of those can of, you know, the sardine? Yeah. Ew. He'd eat like those sardines. I was like, and it would stink the whole.

Ew, that's disgusting. I know. And then he'd be like doing all his mouth exercise and he looked like like a sperm whale or something, like harvesting kelp or something. Was he any good? I don't know. I'd block them out. I'd be so curious if he'd be.

So I'm so curious if he was good or he just did that and he was still bad. You know what? I remembered with all the fanfare, he wasn't that good. Right. And I thought, because I remember thinking for this guy to gulp down like 13 dead fish. Ew. Before he sings, like, what am I missing here? This guy either better be Sinatra or he better be like Adele or whatever her name is.

Is that her name? Yeah, Adel. Armadilla. And so this guy is. guys plowing down like it's like watching a whale shark going after a school of shrimp you know you know when kids are watching and it stinks it smells like a you know a campground a porta potty or something is that a true story that's for real really Filipino guys I've got to eat my 13th and you know you go through several rounds oh it was the worst that's awful not awful did you do well in it I won my

first one, I got a perfect score. Wow. I knocked out the champion. Whoa. And then I was like, yeah, I'm ready to go. I'm shaking Ed McMahon's hand. And then I go out for the second round. And I decided, you know what?

I'm going to do some new material. So I did some material that I thought up while I was watching Johnny the porpo eat his fucking shrimp. Was it about him? No, it should have been. Yeah, then it would have worked. So I went out and did half new. material half. And then I still did great, but there was one judge who hated me. And for the first

time in the history of the show, the producer stopped the whole show because they thought one of the judges made a mistake. Oh my God. I got like a 3.5 from everyone else. And one judge gave me a point. And so I lost to the guy I went up against by half a point. Oh my God. And they said they stopped the show and they went up to the guy that they said, are you sure? Like, did you make him mistake goes, no, I don't like that guy. He was like totally blatant about it. Who was a guy? He was some DJ from San Francisco, like this, this DJ.

What an idiot. Yeah, and so I lost, but the guy I beat with my perfect score, he ended up coming back in by default and winning the whole thing. So I knocked the champion out, but then this guy came back in because based on all the numbers, he had the highest score to come back to the- What a disaster. It was, but, but it was. That's not fair.

Yeah. That is not fair. So you didn't have, so you didn't love it, your experience. You know what? I did love it. You did? You know, I just look at all this stuff as the stepping stones of life. Yeah.

Like, I think the biggest thrill for me was to meet Ed McMahon. Right. Here's a guy grew up with my whole life. Here's Johnny, you know, and it's like. Yeah. So, you know, and here I am on TV. I'm doing this. I'm doing that.

And then the real funny thing is the guy that, that knocked me out. Yeah. He did a bunch of like drunk driving jokes, which I thought he'd lose because of it because it's a family show. Yeah. And then no one's ever heard of this guy. And then cut to about two years ago,

I go to New York and I do the comedy seller for the first time. And, you know, I did what, probably 30 years ago I did Star Search. Uh-huh. I finished my set. I walk up. I'm standing on the sidewalk. guy standing there like leaning on the he goes hey you're the guy who's ass I kicked in star search like and real bitter like like really triumphant like angry like I'm like I look and it was the guy

it was the guy that I lost to on star search and he was like he was still holding on to it was he even a comedian anymore he was he had he was on the same he was on before me you can't say who it is I don't even that's how insignificant and that's what I almost went to say to him and you are because he never went on to do anything like he just still did stand up but and that's and that's his claim to fame i don't know but i was just in my head i was like what that like the fact he he just he almost sounded bitter and triumphant it was the weird that's so sad it was so weird that is real because i don't even like i did a competition show called bring the funny too okay and i don't even remember like i don't

really remember who beat who you know what i mean like like i just i don't remember that part of it like i don't remember like i think like i went up against you know like ismo or ismo and i and we're we're friends yeah yeah we're friends and i did not i don't think either of us wanted to go up against each other we're like we don't want to go up we're friends you know but but it's but afterwards you're like this is none of it was you know it's all yeah just showbiz yeah it's all just showbiz so I would never go up to him and be like, remember, bring the funny. I know. 30 years later.

I know. Like, it was just bizarre. No. And meanwhile, that was the beginning of my career. Like, I hadn't done a movie yet. I hadn't done, like, that was one of my first credits ever. And then I went in on to do many things. And I never saw this guy in anything.

And here he is like, Mr. Sour Grape's about, I didn't know what. Did you watch his set? He was actually hilarious. Oh, he was. He went on before me, and I was like, wow, this guy, like, he super impressed me. He was killer. He was confident. He was fun.

Like, I was like, I was like, this guy is great. And then when I came out, he was just the biggest douche upon it. And I was like, oh, well, I almost wouldn't say, let it go, dude. Yeah. But, yeah, he, but I have nothing bad to say about him. He was, he was hilarious. He was funnier that night than he was on Star Search, but it's hard to be super funny. And what do they give you, two minutes?

Three minutes, yeah. Three minutes. Three minutes. I know, I think we had two. Whoa. Like it was just like how do you even get, you know? Do you remember your opening joke for any of it? Oh, my.

I'm always curious at what you open with. God, no, I don't remember. I don't remember. I just remember dropping a joke that was killing at the time. It was when phone sex was first starting. Yeah, yeah. And I did this joke and it was all about. having phone sex and I'm you know I'm getting real dirty with the lady and I'm and I'm

you know we're talking I'm moaning and groaning and all of a sudden someone starts banging on the phone booth door saying hey I need to make a call and I'm can't you see I'm making love in here you know so it's a great joke it's so good but that was when we still had phone boots that's how old it is oh my God and also it was in my mind I thought I was being mr. Canadian nice guy was like oh, this is a family show. I can't do a phone sex joke. Oh, man. Which probably would have locked me the wind.

And then this guy comes out and does drinking and driving jokes. And I went, and you didn't, so you didn't have to run your jokes by them? Not back then, no. Really? You just had to make your own judgment call? Yep, they didn't,

they didn't ask us like what the jokes were. Yeah. Yeah. That's crazy. Yeah. Back then before they, yeah, now it's kind of a bummer.

They control it like that. Yeah. So you could say anything on TV? Well, it had to be clean. Oh. There were rules. Like, it had to be clean.

Okay. I think if you did anything to think they would have cut it, but. I see. So you were worried if they might cut it. So you didn't risk it. Yeah, I was just thinking, oh, they probably will get mad at me or something. Wow. Because it was one of my early things.

And now I've learned, you know, you learn you've just got to go in and take over. Yes. Yeah. You got to just do your thing. Do what you do. And worry about it later. Yeah. Yeah.

But when you're new and you're kind of, oh, you want to, I didn't want to offend Ed McMahon. Right. You know. Oh. Yeah. That's a good joke, so you should bring that joke back. I know, but there's no phone booths anymore. But make it a memory.

Like, I remember when phone sex started. I remember when phone sex started and it was like all the rage and it wasn't like everyone was doing it. Well, the good thing is I got to debut that joke my very first Letterman set. And it destroyed. It crushed. Never mind. Then, yeah, you got to let it go. Like, it just, it did everything it would have done on Star Search, but it just, it was

at the time, it was like just a killer joke. Oh, that's great. Yeah. And you have a lot of new good stuff too. Yeah. You don't need to go. You don't need to mind 20 years ago. You know, maybe I'll do that 30-year-old joke again.

Bring a joke back. Yeah. Oh, my God. But I'll tell you what, sometimes I do that. Like, do you do this when you're doing a set and maybe someone in the crowd yells something or somehow you, whatever, you meander to a topic. An old joke. And you go, oh, wait, someone just yelled about like typewriters.

Yes. Oh, I have an old joke. And you pull it out and it still kills. And they think you're a genius. They think you just thought of it. That happens a lot. Isn't that great? Yeah.

and you're sick of it so I mean you haven't done it in a while so you're not sick of it anymore you're like oh I haven't done that token forever yeah or have you ever done this where you pull an oldie out and you start it and you go I don't know I don't remember it and then you got to either think of the ending on the spot you just got to bail that happens so many times and then you just kind of like meander out of it and sometimes they don't notice you just come up with some sort of punch. Yeah, nobody knows but you. That sounds like a punchline.

Yeah. Have you ever gotten stuck in a joke where you can't get out of the joke? Yeah. That happened to me once I had, I had, I was on allergy meds and like starting some new antidepressant or something. And my brain was not quite functioning, right? And I was really tired and it was my second show. And I started a joke that was like a dark joke.

And I just kept starting it over and over. And I couldn't, it felt like I was like in a loop. It's like a groundhog day. Joe. Yeah, and I started over so many times they thought it was part of the bit. Oh, wow. So then they started laughing and I was like, I can't. And then finally I just like gave up and just went into crowd work.

Wow. Well, you know, John Cleese said, you know, you can make anything funny if you say it three times. Or if you just keep saying it. Yeah, if you keep saying it. Yeah. So sometimes if you just, if you get on a loop like that, it'll eventually work because I think it's a thing. Yeah, it did. But whoa, it was scary.

That's wild. I felt like I was trapped in a joke, like almost like a ketamine hole, you know, like where it's like, oh, ketamine holes. Yeah, it was scary. I haven't had one of those since college. Are you remembering it fondly or not fondly? She was okay.

A little fat, but it's shallow. Ketamine shallow. You know what's interesting, though, the concept of antidepressants and allergy medicine. Yeah. Does that mean you get depressed when flowers bloom? Like, did you get depressed by pollen? Like you, or was that just a flu?

I mean, that was just a fluke, yeah. Okay. It's not like I had allergies, so then I had to go on antidepressants. Yeah. I don't think. I'm so tired of sneezing and rubbing my eyes. I'm so depressed. It must be depression.

Yeah. Yeah, no, it was more, it might have been adderol that I was on for a bit. So that makes like a chemical reaction in the body where you're just like, ugh. Oh, I know. It wasn't, it wasn't allergy meds. It was pseudafed. It was a mix of like suitorad and maybe Adderall. What's Sudafed do?

Well, Sudafed is, can be like a non-drowsy, like, I don't know what you take with, you take it for like headaches or things like that, right? Sudafed, okay. Or for congestion. You take it for congestion. Okay. So it's supposed to like, but it's a, and, but it's not drowsy. So it lifts you up, but then Adderal also lifts you up.

What's Adderall do? It's, what do you call it? It's, it gives you more focus. It does, for real? Yeah. Like if you take one, you'll notice you just, yeah. But for me, it doesn't work because I focus on the wrong thing.

Like, I'll just, like, stare at my phone even harder. You know, it just doesn't work for me. People are like, oh, it helps you get more done. It doesn't do that for me. Yeah. So. You just zone in on the wrong thing. Yeah. I take Welbutrin now, which is like...

What's that? I've never heard of these. Well, Welbutrin is like a subtle antidepressant, but it's also good for things like ADHD or focus. Oh, wow. To me, it feels like an extra cup of coffee. Oh, wow. But just like, it helps me get out of bed. Oh, God.

Yeah. I got to try that tomorrow. Do you take anything for anything? No. No, that's good. No. Should I? No, you seem pretty good.

Yeah? Yeah. You seem pretty high functioning, besides the eye movement. Yeah. Besides that. What does high functioning mean? That you get up and do stuff all day. Yeah.

Yeah. Do you get up in the morning and then you're like doing things? Yeah. High functioning. Really? Mm-hmm. I've never had anyone say that about me before. Well, maybe you didn't know the definition before.

That sounds like a play. Like I should do with like a Broadway show, high functioning, high functioning. Look at me now I'm high functioning. Doesn't it seem like a broad? You have a good voice. Yeah, that was good. I do?

Mm-hmm. I'm functioning. I'm functioning. I'm highly, highly functioning. I mean, I would watch that. I haven't written the rest of the show yet, but I'm right there at the... You might need something to...

Some Claritin. To focus on the rest. I'd be broken. Ketamine or something. High functioning. High functioning. I am high functioning. Wow, you could be my co-star.

I'm not depressed. I'm high functioning. Wow. Without any meds. Wow. Well, I can't think of a rhyme with function, though. Oh, because you'll probably go right into conjunction, junction. Oh, yeah.

Conjunction, junction, what's your function. Yeah. Coming up with words and phrases and clauses. Conjunction, junction, what's that fun? You don't remember that? Okay, let's move along. Speaking of singing. Let's move along.

Isn't that how we ended up doing the podcast? We were doing a show at the comedy store. Yes, we should call my mom because you, yeah, you wrote a song called Christina. Your mom's name's Christina. You told me that in the green room. Yeah, and then you sent it to me, and then I was bad about getting back to you, but then I sent it to my mom. You did, because I sent it to her, but I haven't heard she hasn't responded to my email.

Oh, wow. But I don't think it's anything to do with the song. I think she didn't understand, you know, she's not good at technology. So she probably doesn't know how I probably have to call her and be like This is how you listen What's an MP3? Yeah, she didn't know where to click

What's an umpatha? Yeah, she doesn't know how to She probably thinks it's like a like a dating site For Star Wars robots Yeah, and also if I forwarded it to her Yeah So she probably didn't know Yeah

What did you say? Christina No, but what's the umpha thing? MP3 Oh I'm functioning I'm functioning. I'm very highly functioning.

Well, that song, I wonder if we should play it. Yeah. Christina. Oh, I thought high functioning. Yeah, let's play it. I'll play it. Play it and then she'll have to listen to it. Yeah, because she'll listen to this.

If you change the spelling of it, I bet she'd be more likely to listen. Oh, how did I spell it? Well, you spelled it C-H, and she spells her name K. Oh, wow. So she kind of knows it's not really about her. if she thought it was about her you know she'd be all in all right i'm going to pop it in right here this is a cheesy cheesy it's the only reason i send it is because of the name christina and it's a cheesy cheesy love song i wrote it was good and sing and we'll play it right now

and then when we come back after the song i'll break it down for you so here it is christina Sometimes when I'm looking out the window, or sometimes when I'm standing on the beach, I think I hear your name on the wind, babe, and I wish you weren't so out of breach. sad old love song or see a picture in a magazine I think of the times we had together then your name comes back to me oh Christina Christina Christina Christina Sometimes when I hear a baby laughing

or see a star shoot across the sky It fills me up with golden memories And I wish you never said goodbye Oh, Christina, Christina. Christina. Christina. Christina. Broken hearts, they say don't last forever, but then again do they ever been.

Just a sea Christina Why did it have to end Oh Christina Christina Christina Christina

Christina Christina Christina, Christina, Christina. Christina. Christina. Christina. Christina. Christina.

Christina. Christina. Christina. there it is. That was good. Yeah. That was pretty. Well, it's a very deep song.

Like, I'm a very deep songwriter. And there's a line in it where sometimes when I'm looking out the window is one of the lyrics. Yeah. And that was based on when I was picturing myself looking out of a window over to the platform where Martin Luther King was assassinated. And that's where that's sort of the depth, the level. level of my songwriting comes in, and I pictured the day Martin Luther King went down. Whoa. And then there's another song, sometimes when I hear a baby laughing, and that sort of was

inspired by the whole story of Jesus Christ, our Lord Savior, Holy Son of the Lamb, Jesus, Lord Jesus, and his journey where he started as a young baby and swaddling cloth, and then eventually, you know, tried to bring love and joy to the world and was hung up on a cross and nailed to it and crucified and crows pecked at his head and then there's the whole song there's a line where i go sometimes when i see a picture in a magazine that was sort of all based on the invention of the printing press where civilization made a giant leap from just being sort of illiterate and not communicating and then the printing press changed the whole world.

And I could go on and on. But is this all from Christina? Christina. Yeah, these are the layers of my songwriting. So it's not about a girl named Christina? No, it is. It is, but I don't want people to be fooled by the simplicity of a silly pop song. Right.

I want them to know that that surfacy song came from a very deep art, artist, singer, songwriter. Was there ever a girl named Christina that it was? inspired by? There was. But then later you were like, but this is just like the name and then I'm going to go deeper with the message? Well, it's like we had the name Christine.

It was a friend of mine's girlfriend. Oh, it wasn't even your girlfriend? Wasn't my girlfriend. But I needed to find as an artist, as a singer-songwriter artist, about to have his own Broadway show, I needed to find motivation and layers to come up with these,

these potent lyrics and there's one where I say I see a sometimes when I see a star shoot across the sky and that really is based on the big bang theory the way my mind works as an artist as a singer-songwriter about to have his own Broadway yeah it was about the whole creation of the universe and and how we all grew and then the microorganisms where humanity and everything evolved. You're kind of like Bob Dylan and... Probably a little more, little more, but with a Broadway show

because he never had that, but I'm about to release high-functioning. Yeah, which isn't just about high-functioning. It's about just like world peace and things like that. You could just take a moment of silence to absorb that. It's kind of heady, he stuff. For me, but for them. My audience, uh, very, uh, bongo tits.

Very moving, actually, if you really let it hit you. Yeah. Does the word priss ring a bell with you? Prissy. Just press. No. Doesn't trigger anything? Just prissy.

Pris. Pris. P-R-I. It's a girl's name. It's a girl's name? Yep. Do you know a girl name, Pris? There's a beautiful woman in a movie by Ridley Scott called Blade Runner.

Oh, right. Daryl Hannah played the character of Pris, and there's a scene in the movie where she's at this gentleman's house and there's all these dolls. And she blends in. is one of the dolls. And the way your hair's cut and your blue eyes and you look like Pris to me right now. Really? Yeah. It's an amazing scene where Harrison Ford shows up and they actually do a fight to the death.

But the way your face is framed and your bangs and your blue eyes, like you look, you remind me a Priss. I like the name Priss. I think that's cool. And there's a death scene. And Ruckgar Hauer comes in and she dies in his arms and Ruckgar Hauer just goes. bris you're giving it away he starts crying yeah it's a beautiful boiler alert yeah so anyways i just wondered if you had ever seen it and it's no but i was in um zabars once where in

new york a gay bar zabars zabars you know zabars in new york no you don't know zabars i don't even know his brother no what's you ever go to do you go to new york not a lot there's the The comics are too mean to me there. Yeah, me too. Yeah. I feel like that, too. I kind of avoid New York. Yeah.

So, are they, why are they mean to you? Well, the guy from Star Search. Oh, right. Okay. Okay. Anyway. So, okay, so I was in Zabars. I'm just trying to set the scene.

Go ahead, please. And a guy said I look like Daryl Hannah. Yeah. In Zabars. Isn't that a huge compliment? But it was funny because it was raining out. So I was all wet. That's from Blade Runner.

No, the Splash. He thought I looked like I was out of Splash, which I love that movie. Love. Love Splash. When you're eating the lobster, just eating it raw. That's like, I've got to revisit that film. Revisit Splash. So good.

Eugene Levy. Behold the mermaid. What a week I'm having. Yeah. You could play roles like Kim. Kim who? Like Eugene Levy. You said Kim.

Him. Oh, okay. Like him. Okay. You could play different parts like that, I think. I could play any part. If you gave me a role right now, I could do it. Yeah?

Yeah, try me. Okay. I've got a Broadway show called, you know, you know the name of it. So try me. If I can do Broadway, I think I can act anything you could throw at me. Okay. How about you play, um, play like a, really mean boss who's who's like firing me because i'm really bad at my job okay you got it roads get in here

right now yeah wipe that stupid smile off your face these reports you were supposed to have done three weeks ago they're unfinished they're inadequate and you're fired roads but i need this job so bad like i have three kids in a van oh boo-hoo maybe you should have thought of about that before you messed up my account. You think I'm running a charity here? I'm running a business, Rhodes. Where do you get off, having three kids in a dirty van and trying to juggle my reports?

Either get rid of the kids or hold on to your job. But you said that I was the best stripper here. Paint stripper, maybe. Here, Fire Roads. Can I just have one last chance? I'll be better, I promise. Really? Yes.

I'm cutting your witty. ages and half? No. Fuck off. You're not that mean. Oh, no. You're not like that mean. Okay.

Like, you still seem kind of nice. Yeah. Like I kind of like manipulated you there and you like just went for it. Yeah. You know where I think you could really manipulate? Where? Because at the beginning I said your voice is so cute.

That's true. Why don't we do one that involves both of us where I'm, the snotty host at Maestro's Steakhouse in Beverly Hills. Okay. Five months to get in on a waiting list. Yeah, okay. You stroll up, but with your cute voice, let's see if you can get past them. Just so the folks know, we're both acting right now.

We're both about to be acting. Yes. This is not real. No. This isn't real. Okay. Okay. So I'm the host at Maestros and you're trying to get a seat.

Hi, hi, hi, hi. Excuse me. I think I had a reservation. Excuse me. I think, yes. Excuse me? Yeah, yeah. I think I had a reservation.

And you are? Alice Witterbottom. Witterbottom. Is that with a W? Yes. And Alice with a C. Callis. Alice.

Alice, A-L-I-C-E. Yes, but Alice starts with an A, my dear. Well, I thought you would know that. Sorry, just joking. Oh, God. Anyway, can I have a, do you mind if I have a... Do you mind? I'm still processing your name.

Sorry, I'm sorry. I love your shirt, by the way. Shut, your pio. Oh, sorry. Alice, winter bottom. Is that vintage? Your shirt? You still have?

No, I'm just wondering where you got your shirt. So, very stylish. Really? Yeah. Yeah, very cool. Thank you. I got it on Barneys down on Beverly. Oh, wow.

Is that real silk? It looks very... Well, yes, it is. It's fine and ported Chinese silk, Alice. Aw, it looks very good with your skin tone. Oh, I'm sorry. What was the spelling of your name again? Whitterbottom.

Right, and Alice with a C? Yes. Yes, and how many in your party, Alice? Just ten. Ten, that should be just right for Arby's down the street. Next. Oh, no, I don't go to Arby's. Sorry.

No, I don't go to Arby's. I guess you don't recognize me. Wait a minute. Oh, my God, Alice Winterbottom. Yes. Please come in. Thank you. Thank you.

I knew you'd come to your senses. What was your name again, Doug? Doug nut fart. I'm going to give you such a rave review. You have been so kind to us. Oh, thank you. And we all appreciate it so much. Oh, you're a treasure.

Here, take this tip, too. Wow. It worked. It worked. Wow. You charmed your way in. It worked. You charmed your way up.

Hey, everybody, check out my merchandise at harbling.com. Yeah. Most people just slap some letters or images on a t-shirt or a hoodie, but not me. Yours truly. Guess what? I draw my own designs at harbleng.com. You can see tons of my hand-drawn t-shirts. You can either buy the original or you can buy a print.

And man, oh man, wear them loud and proud. I love making these designs for you guys and keeping it personal. So check out the whole catalog. We got hoodies, we got coffee mugs, we got t-shirts, you name it. It's there at harbling.com. Get your Harland original design, wearable art at harbling.com today. And thank you for your support. And I'll just keep the groovy images coming.

Well, I want to get down to. This is our final segment, Erica. Oh, no. It flew by. It flew by, isn't it? I know. It's almost like these podcasts you don't want on to end, but we're not done yet. This is called Words from a Wooden Show, and there's words in this wooden show.

Just like the title professes, you reach in, pull out a word and see if it leads to a moment from your journey in life. Or it could be something. Like a memory? A memory or a moment. or it could be even it triggers a moment that a friend of yours had or just you could be a story or yeah but maybe something from your life or somewhere mix it up a little bit yeah like popcorn yeah it's a cool shoe where'd you get it like holland it's actually an authentic yeah my friend went to holland wow and i told her i'm doing letterman in a few months and i said buy me shoes

and i wore these on letterman wow the david letterman show really yeah i walked out in a beautiful Versacee suit or whatever it's called, a purple velvet suit and wooden clogs. That's so cool. Sat down with Dave and Dave was like, Harland, it appears you're wearing wooden shoes. And then we went from there. Wow.

But anyways, what's your word? I have Disney. Okay. Wow. It should trigger a memory, which, or not a memory, but my parents got married and then they did their honeymoon at Disneyland. What?

Yeah. No way. And they got into a fight on the way there. And my dad was like, we almost got a divorce on the way to Disneyland because a guy was tailgating or something or my dad honked at him. And then the guy pulled, like,

they got in like a car chase or something. And then my dad pulled over. And the guy got out of the car and he goes, come over here so I can swat you one. Wow. My dad always told that story like this guy saying, come over here so I can swat you one and my dad was too scared so they drove away

Maybe he was being friendly And your dad had a mosquito on him Yeah Yeah maybe he was worried about him Can you imagine getting divorced at the happiest place on earth Or almost at the happiest place They didn't even make it Can you imagine being in the hotel at Disneyland

And through the drywall you hear Oh yeah oh that's it many Oh yeah right there Oh don't stop mini oh oh ho Pluto stop looking get away from the end of the band oh mini oh is that the two characters those are the two characters still in character that would be Mickey and Minnie making love through the drywall wow Pluto watching at the end of the bed wow yeah I'm just saying it sounds like a movie you've seen do you know the only porn I've ever seen is Disney is Disney porn you've never watched a

porno movie? I've never watched a porno movie. How come? People don't believe me when I say that. I believe you. You do? Why would you say it? It's such a rando thing to say. Well, because it just reminded me that I've the only, like, and I didn't see it on purpose, but somehow on YouTube, it came up like the Disney characters having sex. Oh, boy. That is a, oh, that's it, Minnie. Yeah, your thing reminded me of that. Who was having sex? Like Donald Duck. Yeah, you could have like the little mermaid and I think it was like Aladdin and the Little Mermaid. Oh, man.

Imagine Aladdin and Donald like, it's a brave new world. Oh, I thought what was one of the name of the Disney porn movies. Puss and Boots. Yeah. That's from Puss and Boots. Is it? I think so.

Okay. That's what it reminds me of. Puss and boots. Puss and boots. Yeah. Okay. Wow. Finally cleared it up right at the end.

Puss and boots. Wow. But anyway, yeah, no, I haven't seen actual porn. Are you going to think you'll watch one one day? Not real. I don't have any interest. It just sort of like turns you the wrong way. Well, I just have this idea that like my mind is really clean.

Yeah. And that my, if I've seen it. Poison it. Yeah, will contaminate my virgin brain. I think that's a really good approach. And it's a hard thing to do these days in the world of instant access and unlimited porn and a sexualized world, a sexualized society. Plus, I think it also takes away your experience. Yeah.

You know, like if you experience it, it's so intimate. But if you can visualize other random strangers doing it, it detracts from your, it. experience. And I think the human mind has the capacity to imagine all the porn it wants, because that's what people did before porn. And that's, porn was birthed of the human imagination. So, so I think you're, I think you're going down the right path. I think that's a healthy, pure approach. Yeah. And, uh, you're not missing anything that your mind can't conceive on its own. That's what I figure. I mean, I've seen, it's not that I haven't seen, like I watched a whole documentary. about porn, so obviously it's like, I know what it's like.

Yeah, I'm sure you. I've never, I've never sought it out or tried to watch it. Yeah, yeah. I've never looked it up or tried. Well, you also got to figure that porn, yeah, it's, it's, it's just, uh, probably a little bit of the devil's handiwork too. Yeah. You know.

And I don't judge anyone for watching it. I just feel like if, if I've gone this long. Yeah. It's kind of, I mean, I know people have never had a drink. Yeah. And they're just like, you know, whether they might come from alcoholics or something, but they're just like, I'm just not interested. Yeah.

And you're like, okay, you know, you can go your whole life without certain things. Yeah. No, good for you. That's probably a hard thing to not witness in today's world. Yeah. I know it's so normalized too, which I also question a little bit. You know, like I kind of question how normalized it is to talk about it or make it seem like, oh, yeah, it's just part of my everyday life.

Yeah. You know, like, I wonder how that affects people, too. Yeah. Have you ever, like, had the curate, the urge to just go, ooh, I'm going to watch it for once. You ever got close? I think that's the thing is, like, I've never had that urge. Oh, good.

I would probably have done it. Yeah. But I've seen, you know, movies with a lot of sexual stuff in it. Those are called porn. Last Tango and Paris is pretty sexual. Yeah. Get the butter. Yeah, that one.

That line, remember? Yeah, get the butter. Get the butter. That movie, if you haven't seen Last Tango in Paris. Such a good movie. Brando, it's a French movie. Was a French or Italian? Maybe Italian, actually.

Yeah, I think it's Italian director, yeah. Is it what's his name? Isn't it Polanski? No, it's not Polanski. It isn't? No, it's Bertuccelli or something. I can't remember the name, but it's an Italian director. Why do I think it was Polanski?

No, Polanski didn't direct it. Okay. It's the story of a man who's bereaved about his wife dying and this beautiful young Italian woman somehow enters his life. It kind of seduces him or just. I forget how she enters his life, but I think. She's in that great coat. Yeah, and they become lovers and very passionate.

And it kind of flames up rapidly and then it starts to like decline just as quickly. But it's one of those few movies that really. captures the flavor of passion and romance and grief and anguish and it's all rolled into one. Yeah, see, to me, that's my idea of porn because it has to have, it has to have like the emotional stuff in it, you know? It has to have that where you feel it. And it's, it's not a porn movie, but there is some fairly, for theatrical reits, there's some fairly graphic love scenes where they're just gone for it because they're just like, They're on fire for each other, and they know it's sort of, it's built on passion and lust, but it's also animalistic in a way, where they're, he sort of needs it because he's,

he can't get over his wife dying. Yes. And so this is almost like a release. And I think subliminally, she somehow knows that he needs that. And so she's like, she's letting them in and almost, they're almost abusing each other in a way, but it's very loving also and it's so erotic and passionate. I love that movie. Yeah, I do too.

Wow. I would watch that movie again probably. Yeah, you have to. Yeah. It's a beautiful movie. And the music is great too. The music and it's sort of tragic, but it's very sad. There's a beautiful scene where, you know, Brando is such a great actor.

So, I mean, that might be one of his best roles too. So good. But there's a famous scene where they're making, love in the house and they go from the living room to the kitchen floor and they're just all over just going at it and I think they're about to do the back door and they're right near the kitchen and Brando just says to her in the throes of passion he goes get the butter it's like I've never thought of butter the same for the rest of my life but just he's sweating and they're like groping and they're like and he's like get the butter.

Or nowadays, they'd probably say, get the, I can't believe it's not butter, spray. Which would kind of wrecked the movie. Yeah, that would not be the same. Yeah. Get the cholesterol free imperial margarine. What's the other famous line he says where I could have been a contender? Oh, yeah, that's from on the waterfront. Yeah, that's also really good.

That's him, right? Yeah, I could have been someone, Charlie. I could have beat someone, but instead I'm just a chump. I'm just a chump. I could have been someone, and you should have been there. You're my brother. You should have protected me, Charlie. Yeah.

Great. I tried once to do a joke where I said, this is my only impression. It's of Brando if he wanted to be an influencer. I could have been a content whore. I could have been a content whore. I could have had a sponsor. I could have had, I can't believe it's not butter. I could have got the butter.

It never worked. Did you see a streetcar named Desire? Oh, yeah. That's to me is ultimate performance. That is his best role. You know, once I saw that movie with him as an actor, he is to this day, that's my top favorite acting performance by a male. Yeah.

Not that there aren't great act, but that one's at the very top. That is the best. It's so raw, real, natural. and passionate and the energy and the way he tackled that material. It's just like, it's riveting. Yeah, that's another one to rewatch for sure. And Tennessee Williams. Such a good play.

I've always wanted to play Blanche. I want to play Blanche one day in a play. In the play version of it. Well, I'm doing a play on Broadway. You are? Yeah. What is it called? I'm not.

Wait, I forgot what it is. High functioning. I'm high functioning. Get the butter. I'm high functioning. Get the butter. Erica Rhodes, everybody. Will you please tell the folks?

And before we go, I want to wish you the best of luck on America's Got Talent. You're hilarious. Thank you. Beautiful, charming. And I just hope you go all the way. You deserve it. That would be fun. Thank you.

Yeah. I hope it goes great. I'll knock on wood for that. Yes, yes. And in lieu of watching that, please tell everybody where they can find you and your social media and your stand-up shows, everything. Yes, just go to my website, Erica Rhodescom, and buy tickets to my shows because that's how I make a living. Yeah. Is I, you know, do live shows. It's going to go up. It's going to go up now that you're on AZT. You think so? Yeah. Better. Yeah. And then, and then follow me on a living.

Instagram because I post clips on there. Eric Rhodes. Thanks, Harland. Get the butter. Great to see you, folks. That's it for today. Erica Rhodes, check her out. And until next time, chicken, chau-main, baby.

Get the butter. Get the butter. Awesome. Hey, everybody. How would you like your very own personal video message from me, yours truly? It's your birthday, it's your anniversary, it's your graduation, or you just want me to make you laugh.

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