The Harland Highway - ERIK GRIFFIN- Childproof Goofs 2nd visit!

Episode Date: July 2, 2024

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You're riding down the Harland Highway. All right, hold tight on the Harland Highway Show. Hardland Williams. Ready? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, right? It's pretty terrible. Pretty bad.

Ladies and gentlemen, let me just make sure I got your camera. You didn't turn me on, really? It was so busy. It's like the last thing I checked is the light. Yeah, we would have went the whole episode and no. Wow. That's one thing I like about my little intern. She comes in and double checks everything.

All right, I guess I have to start the theme thing over again. Damn it. I think you should keep that All of a sudden you just came on So here's the behind the curtain thing gang I forgot to turn Eric's camera on For the first 30 seconds But I'm glad I caught it in the first 30 seconds

And not the like an hour in Such an old guy moment Just to be like You're just sitting there and you go Oh man did I Yeah Some's just like Wait a minute

It's like the tinkerbell of idiot goes off in my head. Okay, so now I can play you the terrible theme music, ready? Let's play it. Second time I like it better. I like it a little better. It grows on you.

Yeah. It's horrible, but in a good, horrible. Does somebody make it for you? Or is this like some free music you found on a... It's, uh, I made it myself with a, with an orchestra. Oh. Um, yeah, no, this is just like, I think it came with the, um, with the equipment, with the equipment, it really did.

Remember those, like, remember those Cassio, like, you know, and you would, you'd be like, you know, you'd hit like hip hop and it would be. Yeah, yeah, brooch, compo, you know, so you can play with it. Yeah, and it had everything. It had Maramba, to Congo. Yeah, this is loud. I'm going to take this off. Yeah, that's loud.

Yeah, mine is loud. Yeah, I can take that out. Sorry about that. I can, I can turn it down. Wait, turn it down a little bit. Yeah. Tell me, tell me how that feels. Oh, that's much better.

that's much better. Is it? Yeah, we were just like, oh, too hot, coming in hot. Are you sure that's good?

I want you to be comfortable. No, a little lower. Actually, lower too, lower, because you're right here. I think you put,

turn it higher. There we did. How's that? Yeah, there we go. That's better? Yeah, yeah, yeah,

there we go. That's good? Yeah. Because there's like a buzz, too. Oh, wow. Oh, wow. There you go.

It's fine. The headphones should be different from the, than the levels. Yeah, yeah. Wait, what this does. Does that sound louder or lower? Yeah, this is good. This is good. That's good

there. Yeah, we'll deal. You sure? Yeah, we're good. Yeah, we're good. Wow. I never knew your ears were so. It's just a good. What was like the first 20 minutes of the podcast is like, I don't know if this seat is my back. Yeah. We're just like, we're just trying to adjust. It's just been one technical blunder after the other. First, the camera was off. Now the sound. The sounds too loud. My sound. Seed is uncomfortable. How's the air in here? Do you want it to, do you want the molecules to be up or down? We're good.

Speaking of molecules. Yeah. Sometimes I look at you and see if you've had this before. Uh-huh. Sometimes I look at you and I go, were you ever a teacher? Somehow you got a little bit of that, like a teacher vibe look on you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you get that?

Yeah, I get that. Were you ever a teacher? Yeah, sort of. Yeah. What do you mean? Sort of. Well, it was sort of. I was like, I worked at a school for a little while.

What? In my former life, I was... You did? I was an educator. What, in a British school? Yeah, I co. Yeah. Well, you're a boarding school.

It was at Hogwarts. Oh, lovely. What did you teach, owls? Good Lord, my boy. I was defencing it's a dark heart teacher. Oh, my goodness. Lovely. We've stumbled on a wonderful topic after all those technical difficulties.

You actually have a purpose. perfect face for, you know, British villain. Really? Yeah. Like, if you were in, like, you know what I mean? Like, if it was like a single cam show, you're Britain, and you're just like, you know, you're like the evil boss, you know. But it's still, it's still fun.

After work, I want your boys to meet me out back and we're going to take care of the Rutherford boys, all right? That accent's different. That's like, oh, that one's real evil, evil. The other one was more fun evil. Oh, when it was a little higher in the register. Yeah, yeah. It's like murder with a friendly grin. I got, yeah, yeah, I'm going to bludging your bloody face out.

Yeah, you're like what I'm like, yeah, exactly. Oh, good, okay. Yeah, like if they did the Home Alone British version, you would have been one of the guys. You know, a lot of people think I am the, the, uh, what's his name, Daniel Stern. They think I'm the Home Alone guy. Yeah, because you look more like him now. Yeah. Yeah, that's what it is.

It's so weird. Yeah. And I think it's because we both did sort of goofy comedies around. He was a little before me, but a lot of people have come up to me and go, you're the home-alound guy. And I'm like, nope. And it sucks for like that, like to be remembered for like something like so iconic, but it's not you. It's not you, yeah. Even if you did something iconic, like my thing is always like, people are always like, oh, I know, you were on that show, you were on the office.

And I'm like, no. Oh, yeah. It wasn't the office. It was workaholics, you know, like the cable, the cable version, you know what I would have loved to have been on the office. it's like it wasn't that it's a great but not that it's a rub in too because they're basically they basically for a minute put you up on this this pedestal of greatness only to it to be stripped away a second later yeah you know i audition for that show the office you did what who are you going for for michael scott for the lead role really so i went in oh and i'd never heard of it

because it was based on the british i were going back to the british voice again So that was the first one with Ricky Jervais. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I didn't realize that like 50% of the comedy in that show is just like it's like the... Do nothing. It's the looks, the like, so I went in and read it like, you know, two boys and a baby or whatever that stupid show is or mean girls, like a, you know, a standard American. And I read like that.

And then my buddy said, oh, no, it's based on a... And then I went on and watched the British... office and I just went oh I blew it I knew I didn't get it yeah because the whole thing you should have just been like you know yeah just look at the camera yeah yeah you just that's perfect that that's that my office audition would have been this yeah oh you would have got it I would have booked it you didn't you didn't go in for it no I didn't go in for it at the time were you was it was it before it was probably before whenever I don't even know what I was doing at the time but I don't think I would have been right for anything oh I don't I don't I didn't

disagree. Who knows? I could see you fitting into that. Oh, of course. Yeah. Yeah. It's like, they're trying to bring it back, which is like, I hate when they do that. Yeah. It's done. You know what I mean? We can't, you can't redo the Godfather. You know what I mean? You know what? I mixed on that kind of stuff, because here's the thing. I saw the British version and thought they couldn't redo it. Oh. And I love the American version just as much. Maybe the British version a little more, but I thought they would fail. I'm the complete opposite. Really? I'm the complete opposite.

Like, I, I know that's like blasted me to say. No, no, that's your opinion. I think the American version was excellent. And when people say like, oh, it's like, what I'm saying is the gap between the two is not massive. It's like, it's like right there. I think they were both. You know what it was for me is, so growing up in Canada, we were really weaned on British humor. So when I saw the British one, it struck a chord because, you know,

In Canada, it's like Canada, Britain, America. We were sandwiched between the two senses of humor, but also had our own. Australia, too, though. There's like, there's like, yeah. Well, we, there was no Australian content when I was a kid. Oh, okay. We had Monty Python. We had, you know, all these, all these like British shows, Benny Hill, all this stuff.

Oh, I loved Benny Hill. Yeah. And so when I saw the British version, I really loved it. But then, like I said, I loved the American version of the. office too i really liked it so you know is it's like that's one of those ones you ever what show do you watch and you go i wish i was on that oh my god probably well one was the office since we're talking but the early twilight zone show i love like that kind of you want but i'm saying you you you wanted to be on that show like you were like you were like i wish i was on but

it would only been a one-off yeah although they the few people did like william shatner i think did three twilight zones he was famous so it's like different not then he wasn't really oh yeah he was he was relatively unknown if you look at those early twilight zones most of those actors they look like they're just out of puberty like like robert uh um robert deval um um uh who's the guy uh who's the guy that was in uh what's his name robert um the guy from uh easy rider dennis hopper oh yeah um robert redford oh wow telly Sevalis, William Shatner.

I know what you mean. They're all kids. That's one of those ones or you're like, I wish I would have done one of those. Yeah, or a few of them. But yeah,

because it was such an iconic and well-written and dramatic show, you know, and they're so weird and creepy. What about you? Oh, man. I don't know.

You know what? But this is like, if I think back to a show that I was like, I wish I was on this show. I always wanted to be Larry on Three's company. Oh, yeah, Larry.

I mean, I was like the, like the creepy. creepy swinger neighbor from next door. You just come in and people are like, woo, Larry's here. You know, I always like that guy. I always wanted to be the guy on the show that when you came in,

the live audience cheered. Yeah. And you had a moment where you had to just like, you couldn't do your lines yet. Yeah, that's like when Kramer slits through the door. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that guy, like the hilarious sidekick because I was saying this to someone the other day. It works in most movies and most sitcoms.

it's weird I'd say about 80% of them with the exception of movies like Top Gun or not Top Gun What's someone with Leslie Nielsen Naked Gun But in most like movies and TV shows When you're the star

They have to service you So much to be the through line That you can't always be wacky and hilarious A lot of the times The serious lines have to go to you To help tell the story Or you're surrounded by like That's what I love

It's about Seinfeld. Yeah. Seinfeld was like the least of the, you wouldn't talk about acting talent. Yeah. He was not, he wasn't the best. No. It was, you know, he was, he had these three, like, just outstanding, like, comedic actor. Then he was like the center of this storm, you know.

And I thought that was, I thought that was good. So that's what you're talking about. You know, talking about the sidekick sometimes gets the biggest comedy because they don't have to drive the whole story. They just come in. boom and then out so it can be a really cool roll down yeah so i always wanted that and then if i had to think of a modern one that i was like in the business and i saw the show i was like you know i wanted to be on glee because i love okay that one i'm not picturing you on you and a you and a

dance hard coach no not you and i couldn't have been to football coach or like the the the principal or something and i get i get to sing a little bit okay okay i was picturing you like in a lemon lime dance tard jumping around like one of the students like what are we talking about I'm not that's what I thought I'm not Chris Tilly you know what you could be that guys yeah that guys I love that guy you do yeah why he's so like just that the his commitment yeah him and um oh my god what's her name uh Jennifer Tilly no no no the the the the British actress uh she had an HBO sitcom and She's like, she's on curb now. She's, uh, oh, yes, the wife, uh, what's her name?

We're old. We are freaking old. Oh, why don't we just call her Carol? I love it. Yeah. Because we know who we're talking about. Yeah, it's Carol. But she had that show where she was, that, that sketch show, she was crazy.

That guy, that guy, Chris Tilly, you know who I'm talking about? The Australian, yeah, the British lady. No, no, no, but I'm talking about the guy I'm talking about right now. He's an Australian actor. His name is Chris Tilly, I believe is. name okay he he does like a sketch shows where he plays characters oh and he's like he has this there was a show on hbo called uh it was him being a school girl oh yeah yeah like a boarding school girl with like a little skirt yeah but he's like 40 yeah and he just yeah hilarious he's just

with these real school girls being a school girl he that dude is he nailed it that dude is so funny you know i just can't do this you're such a bitch Yeah, he was like, yeah, fuck. He would always call people a fat bitch. Yeah, he's such a fat bitch. Yeah, oh my God. So it was like, so what I'm saying is like, you just like, I wasn't going to be that. Yeah, yeah, no, no, I got you.

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Buddy. Yeah, somebody just had a little pumpernickel. Yeah, I just had a kid, man. I did it late, but I did it, you know? You did it. Can we say how old you did it late or is that confidential? No, I'm out of 52. Yeah, that's great.

Yeah, he's a joy, man. Fatherhood is everything you think it is, and all the good, all the bad. You know, people say, oh, you're sleeping? No, we're not. Or, you know, is it a lot? Is it hard? Yes. But is it a joy?

Yes. I think it's all, it's amazing. It's an amazing experience. I always wonder, because I haven't had a kid yet. What is that you know of? That I know of. Hello, Igabal. His name's Igabal.

The Indian boy. Just a no-chin Indian boy walks up to you. I think you're my fault. Daddy, why can't I have violin lessons? Ah! Oh, man, I can't. I can't just saws his cock off. But I always wondered what was that moment like when you first see the human,

like within a minute of it coming out and you see that thing you created. What does that moment feel like? Well, that whole process was just bananas. Like being in the labor room was a lot. Really? Yeah, it really was. Like freaky or good? Yeah, yeah.

It was freaky. It was like, you know, just, you know, You know, you're in this sterile medical environment and there's all these people doing things and the doctors and, like, messing, you know, and you're looking at your wife and you're just like, what's going on? Yeah. I wanted to go back to the 50s where, like, I'm in a waiting room with a buffet and the game is on and I get cigars waiting. Cigars, yeah. You know what I mean? No, this was like, you're like knee deep in it.

And then, you know, you see the baby come out and you're just kind of like, whoa. Oh, you were right there? I was right there. You watched it? Yeah, yeah. You can't look away. It's like a train wreck. You know what I mean?

Oh, man. You know, and then you're just kind of like, you know, then, you know, they take the baby, they, you know, they do all this stuff. It's not like the movies. That's the thing, too. Like, none of it is like the movies. That's not. And that's our, like, what, our knowledge of childbirth until you are, like, actually

do it is, you know, Gray's Anatomy or like, you know. Yeah, yeah. You know, this, like, a beautiful moment where they hand you a five-month-old, you know, out of your, out of your wife's vagina. It's like, no, no, no, this is a scary monster that's coming out of here. Right. I'd be freaked out because I feel like the baby just doesn't. It's like kind of, I played like whackamol when I was like, kid.

I feel like I just were like, you know. It's very much like that. Like the baby's head was sitting there for way too long, you know? Like how long? It was a long, I don't, I can't recall how long, but it felt like a long time. How do they breathe? Well, they have the, the medical cord and all this stuff. So isn't that weird?

So just from a science point of view. Yeah. Let's say your kid's stuck in the hole for six minutes. Uh-huh. Okay. And it's like he pulled the turtleneck up too high. Yeah. It's covering his nose and mouth.

The concept that he's part in this world and there's a tube sustaining him, but he's not breathing oxygen yet. Yeah, it's like Jacques Cousteau type of, yeah, it's a whole weird thing. It's weird that we lived in an aquatic environment for nine months. Yeah, and he's attached to this thing, and then they make you cut it, and you're just like, it's a whole thing. And then, oh, did you get queasy at all? Um, no, because it was.

It was so, it was so, I was so hyper, um, um, sensitive to like, you know, you know what I mean? Like, I was, I was in a daze. I was in a days until it like, you know, and then, you know, you would get the baby too, you know, you're supposed to. What do you mean? Oh, yeah, yeah. So they give the wife the wife the baby for a while. But see, my wife had like, we had some complications right after.

Okay. So they, you know, so like all these doctors rushed in to take care of her. To take care of her. So you'd hold the baby. So I had to hold the baby right away. Wow. That's kind of wild. It was wild.

It was wild to be like all of a sudden you went from like, you know, no responsibility to like, like, because like the baby would die without you. Yeah, yeah. You know what I'm saying? So vulnerable. Yeah, so vulnerable. So you had this thing now. It's like, oh, wow.

For like for the foreseeable future. Yeah. I'm co-responsible for this child's well-being. And you're just like, whoa. And every little aspect of it too. Happiness, you know, nutrition. and, you know, mental, physical growth, like, everything, all these things that you're like, you know, you're doing a day-to-day basis.

It's just kind of like, whoa. Wow. You know, and you wonder why we end up, like, terrible, you know, it's, you know what I mean? It's like, we? You know what I mean? But it's like, what do we know? Like, what do I know about taking care of it? Yeah, I mean, look at you.

You know what I mean? Thank you. Like, what do I know? You just all of a sudden, you'd still. I think that, like, a part of, like, it's natural, that nine-month process is all part of getting ready because imagine if you, you're talking to me right now, you're like, you know, I just, I think I want a kid. And then it's, you know, and then like, hello? And then they're like, here's your kid, Harlan. You know, you'd be like, whoa, whoa, I'm not even ready. It sort of comes on you. Even though you got nine months, it's probably just like here it is quickly. It still comes on you quickly, you know, and then you're just there at the hospital. And then you're just, it checked us out. You're just taking care of a baby. So even. Even at the hospital, you're just taking care of a baby all of a sudden, you know? Yeah, you have to. Wait, as a dad, too.

Like, if you're the dad, you're sitting in this room because now your wife's in recovery. She can't get up from this bed and the baby's over here. And you're all of a sudden, you're like, okay, what do I do? You know, these nurses come in and they're like, hey, me teach you how to swaddle. You're like swaddle. You don't even play tennis. Now I'm working at, like I'm working at Macy's during Christmas time and I've got to wrap gifts. You know, it's like all these things that just come on you out of nowhere.

And then the next thing, you know, they're also like, all right, you've got to get out of here. Yeah. And you're just in the, you're like, you know, you're putting a baby in a baby seat that you've been practicing on for a couple of days. You know, now, and you're just going home with your baby. Wait, you don't stay. It doesn't stay there for a few days? No, not really. No, no, no.

Yes. The baby does? You're there for a night most of the time. That's it? Unless there's some complications. Yeah, because your pediatrician comes to the hospital and they check the baby. Oh. And like, you know, they make sure.

And they go, they'm either going to say, I think you should stay another night, or they'll be like, I'll let you go, but you got to come to the doctor like tomorrow. It's like that kind of thing. Oh, wow. I always, this is how naive. I thought the baby stayed there for like three, four, five days in that incubator where they hatched chicken eggs and stuff. No, only if there's some complications. Whoa.

But if you have a healthy baby, they're just like, they want, you know. And it's just like, now you're like, your whole life is fear. Wow. So your baby was scary? No, it's just like you're scared of like, now. what's going to happen you're worried about everything you're like you're pulling up to your house and you're like oh man what is it shouldn't there be a crosswalk right here or like you know like all these things you start to think about you know it's like not a hyena around yeah yeah yeah yeah

yeah like every dog you've seen and then every story you see heightens your feelings you know so it's like you know so but anyways it is a it is a wonderful process and please tell me you didn't eat the placenta that's like a thing now you kidding me first of all when they pulled the placenta out okay because then the doctor's doing a show and tell of like, you know, as soon as I saw it, I was like, wait, what's this? That's how she pulled the placenta out. How long is the placenta?

Well, the abilical cord is long. But what's the placenta? Isn't that something else? No, the placenta is connected to the umbilical cord. The placenta is that sack that the baby lives in. How long is the umbilical cord? You're doing like this like Spider-Man crawling up a wall. Yeah, like you're mountain climbing, man.

That sucker's long as hell. How long? Yeah, I don't know, who knows, three, four feet? I'm probably, just, Now, in the comments, people are like, are you kidding? Wow. But, like, yeah. Four foot umbilical core.

Yes, it was like, you know, because a baby moves and abilical cord. You can't have it like, you know, it can't be this big. Yeah, right. Yeah. It's like a leash. Yeah. It's like an internal leash. Wow.

Yeah, so. I wonder if babies had teeth if they would bite through it and wander around in the body. Like, imagine a woman wakes up and there's a baby in her forehead. They can't wander that far. Well, they do have legs. I don't know, but, I mean, if they're this. Have legs, we'll wander. Never.

The beginning process was like a little scary, too. Like, you know, even, like, I learned so much about pregnancy and, like, just going through that as like, you know, because, like, in the first six weeks, she was, like, really sick. Your wife? Yeah. Oh, I'm sorry. But that's, like, apparently a good thing. Oh, that's the thing that's crazy about it.

So you go to the doctor and she's, like, really sick. That means her body's changing and it's taking. Oh, okay. You know what I mean? So you're kind of. I'm like, all right, well, this is after the baby. No, there's before the baby. Before, okay.

But when it was like, leading up to it. Oh, the morning sickness and all that. Yeah, all that stuff, you know, so it was like, all that. The whole nine months was like a lot, you know, you just kind of like, you know, yeah. Does it test the marriage? Like, does it get? Yes. Yeah.

I don't know how people have babies with someone that they don't love and respect. I don't know how that works. I'm guessing with all due rights, the woman could tend to get cranky and testy and, like being uncomfortable. Like I could see a woman being like kind of on eggshells a bit. Guantanamo Bay should be ran by women in their first trimester. Wow. Like that.

Wow. Like that. So what I'm saying is like you have to. But the thing is like, you know, yes, going to test your relationship because it's going to test your patience and your understanding and like the mood swings. And they're like, you know,

you're there just kind of like, you know, you're, then it's like little things bug them. You know, it's like I'm sitting here sleeping normally and she has to have 17, pillows propping her up in a certain way that her belly doesn't you know it's like a whole thing man so you really like you really become you really like gain much more love and respect I would hope for this partner so that's why it must be difficult some when you're in like a baby mama situation you had a one night stand and now you're with this person who you're like I don't really like you like this but now we're connected at this you know and it tests the marriage too like when the baby

first comes out because up to that point it's you and your partner and you guys look out for each other. Yeah, right. So now you have this baby where you're just kind of like, you know, it's about the baby and you're like, what are you doing? Why did you, you know? So you have to like learn how to like coexist as partners and trust each other. I mean, it's a lot, man.

Yeah. That's amazing, man. It's well, one of the things, it's interesting timing because, you know, we do podcasts and we get sponsors. I'm sorry. This is a great go to commercial segue right here. Speaking of having babies in placenta, the today's sponsor of the show is... Well, what's interesting is this is an interactive sponsor that I got through my charity Cinnamon Angels fly, fly away, you know, to children with cinnamon allergies.

And they asked me to do this thing and maybe you can help me with it, but there's this new character they want me to do. It's Crinkle Lips, the Safety Dog. I cannot... You're a sponsor of a charity of... Kids with cinnamon allergies. Well, yeah, but this is... That is the most specific. Well, this is a new branch of it

where they're concerned about childproofing a home. Right. And so what they do is that crinkles the... Crinkle lips. You have a child. I can't with you. You have a child. Uh-huh.

So what's going to happen is crinkle lips talks about things that children shouldn't put in their mouth because children are always putting things. in their mouth. Literally everything. Yeah. So what we'll do is we'll start with, the first one is I'll give these to you

and you can feed them to me. And I'll do crinkle. Do you have 50 at these? No. Are you ready? Hold on a second. So you have a piece of meat. Raw meat.

And three light bulbs? Light bulbs. These are things children shouldn't put in their mouth. Oh, I broke the light. Oh, that's okay. But what you're going to do is on cue, you'll put them in, in crinkle lips, the dog's mouth. But he's got to do a thing so. Hi, kids, I'm crinkle lips, the dog.

And being in a house can be very dangerous. Make sure you don't put things in your mouth that aren't supposed to be there. Like raw meat laying on the ground. Oh, oh, oh, oh, you'll get sick. If you eat raw meat, and remember, kids, you may like light bulbs, but never eat a light bulb. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, crunch. And just stuff like that, you know, for kids. And then throughout the show, crinkle lips will come out and like kind of, you know,

and this is such good timing. That's this episode's 75. Oh, the glasses. The glasses and notes. Oh, the glasses. Which is still to date the funnest time I've ever had on a podcast. It is? Yeah, that was ridiculous.

That was very. The funnest. Yeah, very Harlan-esque. You know, I really enjoyed it. You said that because I wouldn't want to disappoint you. What was I thinking? Of course you still have. Well, you brought it up, not me, my guy.

But let's go back. All right. I want to go back because you said you were a teacher and that fascinates me because I just kind of pulled that out of the air and you said you actually were a teacher. Yeah, yeah. What kind of teacher?

Well, I mean, it was like, I worked at a school because at the time I was in the process of like going and finishing, but I was like, working on the yearbook staff. I was working in the library. I was coaching. And at the process, I was going to finish my schooling so I can officially be, you know, a teacher.

Oh, so you weren't one yet. You were just sort of in training. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wait, what did you coach? Basketball. Really? Yeah, yeah. Were you a good basketball player?

I was fine. Really? I'm jealous because that's the one sport I was never good at. Did you want to be good at it? I wanted to be because I was really tall and skinny. Like a jump like crazy, but I never had the coordination to do the, I couldn't run and throw and connect. You probably, it's probably like, you know, are you supposed to have your chin? And I don't have a chin.

Did you, uh, it probably people probably kept saying to you, do you play basketball? Do you play basketball? Yeah, I mean, people would ask, you probably got that a lot. What did you, but did you play any sports in like high school? Hockey. Hockey. I played hockey. Oh, you were in Canada? Canada, yeah. Oh, that's what it was. So hockey. Did everyone play hockey? Is that what it was?

Most of the boys did, yeah. Oh, wow. Yeah, most of the boys. Hockey is like one of the most engaging sports to watch. Hockey's crazy. I had an argument with a guy once. What's a tougher game, hockey or basketball? Oh, I would say hockey is way tougher than basketball,

but I think the best athletes in professional sports are basketball players. You do? Yes. Because they have to run. They are, their cardio has to be at a certain level. all game. Yeah. Like they're running miles in a NBA basketball game.

Miles, they're running up and down, right? And they have to, then they have to jump, and they have to be physical. Yeah. And they have to be strong. So they have to be fast, strong, and athletic. So picture all the things you said, but now instead of running with hockey, you're sprinting. So basketball, they run, but there's also a lot of kind of that half jog that they do. And they're kind of, once they get the ball in their end, and they're kind of motor.

down the corner in hockey it's a constant sprint like you're doing a 50 50 yard sprint like just boom and then on top of that you're on skates you're on frozen water you can turn and go backwards okay at the same speed and a guy can line you up and knock you off your feet at any second i understand it but let me ask you something yeah a mile run yeah what would be more tiring running or skating uh well skating no no no this is not a this is not a this is a this is a this is a one or the other question if you were if we were going to be if i'm going to run a mile right and if i'm going to skate a mile which one would be more tiring so as it pertains to hockey and basketball if you just say it that way recreational running i'm running

If I'm skating, I'm like, I'm skating. Now picture skating like that, as fast as your legs will move you. So you're sprinting. Okay, so do you think that- So skating would be harder in a hockey sense. I don't agree. Have you ever played hockey? I think that what you're saying is that it takes more body control to be able to skate

and stop on a dime and all that. That's to have that kind of control, but what I'm saying is this, We're talking about endurance. Right. If we're talking about a 200-yard, the track, a 400-meter run. Right. If you're talking about a 400-meter run, which is a sprint in the Olympics. Like, they actually sprint.

Yeah, yeah. So who's going to be more tired at the end of that 400-meter sprint? The guy running at his top speed or the person skating? Well, since I've done both, and I'm going to answer this just based on my experience, I've played basketball, I've played tennis, I play racquetball four days a week. I get tired running full tilt when I step off the rink after a two-minute shift because that's basically all you can handle. Right.

I am gasping for air. I am pouring sweat. I am literally. I get, I get. Because you're running as fast as you can. Whereas with basketball, it's rare you're going. going full tilt the whole time. I understand.

I love it when we have a run fight. Cut to us in a race. Cut to you chasing me with a fucking cleaver. Because you're getting amped up, my guy. We get it just, just crush it. Bring it. I love fighting with you. No, because you're again, you're talking about like what goes on between the lines.

And I'm like, yes, I get that. Right. I get that. But like, you know, when you're talking about, you know, and we're not talking about some old guys going to the down to the YMCA. No. You know, in an Indian costume. Yeah, I'm saying the way you play basketball is not the way, say,

Steph Curry plays basketball or LeBron James going to, you know what I mean? So, listen, I think hockey athletes are, they're great. You know, it's great. You know, you can see them. Oh, yeah. But, you know, but I think that if you were looking at a hockey athlete, a basketball athlete, a football athlete. Yeah.

And also depending on position, too. Yeah. You know, who are the, where the best, where's the most athletic people? Yeah. You know what I mean? It's a tough call. It's a tough call.

And again, I can only go off my own. Have you ever played ice hockey? No, but I've gone roller skating. My roller skating is like your basketball experience. We got to go, foe. Oh, hold on. I think it's time for a crinkle lips for his next. Oh, those crinkles back?

Yeah. Here's the next one. This one is. Okay. Shotgun shells? Tony. And birds. So kids shouldn't eat birds.

Well, let him say it. Not you. God. Hi, kids. Crinkle cut the safety dog here. Remember, there's a lot of things around the house. that you're not supposed to eat. Crinkle, you're in my shot, Crinkle.

Oh, sorry. Fucking pre-Madonna. You know, kids, sometimes birds fall out of the sky and you never want to pick up a bird and eat it. Right, Eric? Right. Tweet, tweet, tweet. Never eat a bird, kid, because they taste like chicken.

And of course, remember, kids, never eat daddy's shotgun shells that are laying around the house. They can cut your gums. Yes, kids. What house is this? Eric, let's remember, don't let the shotgun shells get in the children's mouth. Okay.

Because they're going to get sick and get gunpowder in their gums, Eric. What about the shotgun shell in the bird's nest? Never eat a shotgun shell out of a bird's death. And we'll be back later, kids, with more tips for what not to eat around the house. I'm crinkles, the tinkle. Dinkl or whatever, what's his name?

You're asking me? I didn't write the bit. I didn't write the bitch. Speaking of science, do you have a thing? I think everyone has this, right? Do you have a thing? Because in social setting, sometimes, you know, you get at a wedding,

you get in like a work meeting or something. Okay. And every now and then you kind of get sucked into these conversations where you, you know, some guy might be a tech guy, some guy might be a car guy, someone might be a real estate guy. Okay, got you. And you kind of, you're not sure where you fit in,

but you want to kind of come off as intelligent. Mm-hmm. Do you keep in your back pocket any sort of like knowledgeable facts or little go-to things where you go, well, you know, the blah, blah, blah, blah is the blah, blah, blah, blah. You know what? Not anymore. Right. You know why?

Why? Because things are so easily Googled. Oh, yeah, that's true. Because when you're in a social setting like that, so back in our day, back in the day before the internet, yeah, it's easy to like, you pull out your encyclopedia. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What, do you remember any of them?

It'd be like, you know, my thing would be like if you're talking about like smoking or something like that would be like you'd come up with some, you know, well, you know, statistically, 62% of people that smoke get, you know, cancer or something. It'd be one of those. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But now you're in a social setting like that. Yeah, you can pull anything out. He's just kind of like, I don't know if that's true.

Let me, you know what I mean? And then you're like, ah, I had a, what's yours? I had a couple of weird ones. One of them was always, and I don't know why this made me feel smart, but I think it's because I knew a lot of people didn't know the answer. Those are the best. Yeah, and I just go somehow, and here's the trick to try and segue them into the conversation, because mine was like, what's the biggest fish in the world?

Oh. So I'd be like, well, do you happen to know what the biggest fish in the world is? you know. Wait, that's how you would bring it up? Well, somehow, you know, it's like hard to segue. You were terrible that party. Right? Horrible. That's why I stay in and eat.

People are walking around. Do you talk to the fish guy? That's why I stay at home and eat shotgun shells with a puppet. But I would do that one. Oh, what is it? How would you do it? Well, you know, I try to find, that's the thing you have to, you have to try and find a way in. Well, I think you should have found a way in within this podcast and then told me why you did it. Oh, right. Yeah, see, because you couldn't, you can't do it. See, you almost have to

preface it with this whole like. So you didn't, you didn't know what it was. I don't know what it is. See, you know, automatically I feel a little bit like mentally superior, even though it's the dumbest thing, but you could probably come up with 10 where I wouldn't know what it is. Yeah, but I think that we live in a time now where like that knowledge you have right now about that fish is the same knowledge of knowing how to spell. Wait, what? It doesn't matter anymore. Ladies and gentlemen, this has been, nothing matters anymore. I'm done. Fuck the biggest fish in the world.

Dude, if you're, what I'm saying is, like, you know, how do you, if you don't know how to spell a word now, what do you do? Just Google it. Right. Or you just, or you're in the middle of, that's not texting you and I need to spell a word. You just kind of go, you hit, you hit voice text, and you go, diarrhea. And then it just spells it for you. Yeah.

Or sometimes if it's really creamy, you can actually spell it with your ass. I'm just saying, like, you know, it's one of those things. So, like, the knowledge of the biggest dish in the world is kind of like, I only think, see, you're only smart about knowing that when you're at the fish place. Yeah. You know, and then it's like, you know what I mean? The fish place. Yeah.

There's like, at the fish place, there might be six or seven people who, like, know it, maybe know it. Or could challenge you? And then, you know, you're just kind of like, that would make you feel smart. No, because at the fish place, you're at a place that's with fish. But if I'm at a party and I'm talking to the CEO of IBM, who probably knows way more than me.

And I got nothing on him, but I go, well, do you know what the biggest fish is? And then suddenly he doesn't. It's like, well, look who's smarter than the CEO of IBM. There's no context for it, though. That's the problem. Everybody else at the party is like, Okay.

Yeah. Then somebody plays that music. So do you want to know what it is? What is it? You do you want to guess first? The biggest fish. Because right now I feel like I've got this over you. Once I tell it to you, my balloon's just going to go.

Oh, God, I feel so smart right now. The biggest fish in the world is some sort of tuna. No. Is it a whale? Because they consider, if you know, they're considered mammals. It's a mammal. Yeah. You got me.

you had one of the words you just said is part of it oh it's a something whale yeah it's a whale fish there you go and we'll be right back ladies and gentlemen thank you for thank you for being on harland's highway now the dumbest man in podcasting i'm an idiot i'm proud uh it's the whale shark the whale shark is a fish it's a fish yeah it's a it's the biggest fish technically in the world i can't get this five seconds back now yeah do you want to drop one on me knowing that i'd love to i'd like to try and figure one out that you drop dude i don't know power drop like any stupid i don't know dude i feel like whatever i know you know try me try it i'd love to just i don't i haven't oh oh here here we go here we go this is one

you know i guess i'm doing a podcast but again this is like people can um this is just for me, they can look all they want, but I'm here facing the camera. I'm going to look like it. So like one of the leading causes of death. One. Oh, I should say, like, I should be like the leading cause of death, right? I don't need. Dude, you got me stumped right now.

Because I was, how do I say? Because like, wait, I got you on your own question. Yeah, I know. One of the. I'm smart now. I used to be dumb a minute ago. Now I'm real smart. I'm going to eat me a fucking bird.

There was, I saw, during like, Blue Jay. Yeah, during the COVID times and you're still doing your podcast. You know,

I was looking at stuff. Yeah. It was like one of the, because I was wondering like, you know, what were people dying like of? You know, you know,

because like the COVID was so in everybody's the lexicon. They were like, everyone's dying. You're like, well, what are people dying of? And I looked up the things

and I was so surprised. surprised it like it was like of course it was like uh smoking related diseases yeah which is like like a ridiculous amount yeah yeah okay cardiovascular yeah heart heart disease yeah i think heart disease is one of the the main ones is yeah heart disease is one of the causes of death yeah and the lead but the leading cause of heart disease is obesity oh wow yeah so i was like there was that one of the ones that really shocked me was like it was a number in the 400 thousands was hospital mistakes. Oh, wow.

Wow, that's a reassuring. And I was like, what? Yeah. Are you kidding me? That's a high number. That's really frighteningly high. Yeah, but I guess somebody can Google it right now. Maybe it's different.

But at the time, I remember, like, that was one of the ones. But it was like, it was amazing, like all the different things that, you know, it's like smoking, obesity, heart disease. You know, you just go, man, a lot of these things are like, look like these are things that. could be, like, worked on. Yeah, right. So, well, how about this one?

You have more than one? I have one more. So you would get the fish one out. Yeah. Like, how would you get the fish one out and then transition to the next one? Because then you come, then you turned into an insufferable, no at all at that point. Yeah. Unless you were at the fish place.

What is, where is this fish place, by the way? I keep hearing about the fish place. Maybe you're at the aquarium. Okay. How about that? If you're at the aquarium and you tell people that, and they don't know the biggest fish, then you do come across it's smart.

Then I am brilliant. Yeah, but if you're not at the fish place, the fish knowledge is like, I don't know if anybody cares. I gotta tell you it feels sort of good, like my adrenaline's going now, because it doesn't it feel good when you kind of have that superiority for a minute?

And you can start by going, well, actually. One more, just, if you don't mind indulge you, making me feel like a smarty, You might know this one. Smallest bone in the human body, which you have a human body, right? Yeah. But, oh, God, smallest bone in the human body. I believe that's in your eye socket.

No, it's, I think it's in your ear. But I don't know what it is. Yeah. It's in your ear, right? Yeah. What is it? It's called the stirrup. The stirrup?

Yeah. Let's see, I wrote it down. Yeah, well, these stapes or stir up. And it's in the ear. It's in the ear. It's connected to the, there's that one piece of ear where there's like three little interactive pieces that function together. I feel like I messed up your whole being smart thing, though.

What do you mean? Because I knew. No, I do. So if we were at the party. But you said the ear. Yeah. It's like you said whale, but you didn't say sharp. You said ear, but not stir up.

You were right there. I was right there again. So you're half smart. Yeah, two of you. And I'm half. I'm mixed. You are? What are you?

I'm mixed, Martin Dumb. How about that? What are you? What is your ethnicity? We can do this again. Did we do that already? I think so.

Well, then fuck yeah. I'm stupid. I want to do it again. I wanted to. Now, why would you bring that one up? Like, so now you'd have to be at the bone place.

I'd have to be at the bone place next to the fish place. It's next to the fish place. go over to the bone place to be like you know the smallest bone in the I don't know what like what would be an organic way that conversation would come up yeah where you would need to talk about the biggest fish well I why don't you start a little conversation with me and I'll do the oh I know how we do the fish one it could be like hey you know I was on a I was on a carnival cruise and I was oh leaning over what you see and I think I saw the biggest fish in the world look like a tuna yeah oh

that's the biggest fish well no no that's your now you're gonna oh i thought you were being me no you're gonna correct okay so he started again yeah jesus christ we're the music we're both we're both pretty bad yeah i'm so sorry about that ladies and gentlemen you know we're gonna do it all again take two ever back yeah and so i'm on this carnival cruise and i'm looking over the you know the railing and i thought i saw the biggest fish in the world looked like a tuna oh my god well that's not the biggest fish in the world it's not no well what is well it's got the word whale in it ah it's not a whale because whales are i believe mammals mammals is it a goldfish whale wow you might be mentally challenged hey guys so this is the time i get everybody on

yeah everybody put down the bacon get out of the pool this guy's gonna tell us what the biggest fish in the world is the whale shark boys and girls Okay, now start another conversation and all lead into the ear one. Yeah. Are we still on the Carnival Cruise? No, you could be at any way. You could be at a black tie affair. Oh, okay.

You approach me and start talking to me. Hey, this is a great, that talk about banking was fantastic, wasn't it? I'm sorry, if you could talk a little louder. I'm having a little trouble with my inner ear. Oh, your inner ear. Did you know that the smallest bone in the world is in your inner ear? Hi, kids, I'm crinkillips. What do we got now?

Hi, kids, I'm crinkle lips, the safety dog. And when you live in a house with your parents, there's a lot of things you should never put in your mouth, right, Eric? Right. Like what? Like a huge gun. What's that thing? What does that do?

Uh-oh. Oh, that guy, but... What if I put it in this way? Remember, kids. Never eat a gun this way. Show them why, Eric. And that's kids' safety. You look good with a gun.

Should I be in a movie where I'm like... Yeah. Like dirty hairy. Did you ever consider like a career in law enforcement or anything like that? Um, no. Like as a kid, were you ever like... Hollywood thinks I should because I play a cop a lot. Yeah, me too.

Yeah. We actually were... Oh, that's right. We were in Pauli's movie together as a cop. Well, he wanted me to be in it with you. I couldn't do it at the time, but we were almost cops together in Polly's movie. You played a cop and I was going to be your sidekick. Oh, that would have been great.

But I couldn't do it. And so I think I don't remember who they got to do it, but we would have been cops together. I forgot who it was. Oh, man. I think it was just me actually. Oh, maybe they dropped the other. Yeah, it was just me when I, yeah, it was just me and Polly. Well, once they couldn't get me.

I mean, who else? I mean, what are we going to do? Hello. Dallow. One thing I know about you, because we always work together. I see you do your stand-up. And I've noticed over the years of it, you've drifted a little more towards like social issues and stuff in your stand-up.

Sometimes. But, you know, it's funny as after having a kid and experiencing what was happening with my wife, I've actually gone to more like relationship material and stuff. Oh, really? I love talking about my wife because she does crazy shit. Like what? And I just love talking about like her like, you know, just like my wife is an expert in making things my fault, you know. Is this since the baby or always?

But more now it's like, you know. Oh, okay. What'd she do? Like I talked about this before. But it doesn't matter. Those same people don't watch this. Yeah. So like my wife farted and almost killed us.

you know because we're in the car you know and it hit me and I'm like ah you know what I mean wait it stunk so bad you almost crashed yeah yeah it really got me where I was like whoa you know because I wasn't prepared for it you know what and then I say to her I go babe what did you farted and she goes well you took me to Chipotle it's your fault it's my fault way so those kind of things like she does a lot of things like real funny things yeah and I immediately go oh I got to talk about this on stage yeah I just go right to the stage to talk about that stuff now. And you know what also, too, is like, I think I got,

um, things, social things can be so polarizing. So to try to find a, you try to find a, folks. All right. We're back.

Remember kids. Guns aren't your friend. Holy God. Isn't he dead? You were, yeah, he is dead. But like,

so I, I feel like, you know, sometimes it's like really trying to find a fun way to talk about, but I still do. I still like, I like talking about finding my take on some, whatever the issue is. Yeah, yeah. So at first you're going to be, it's going to be a little bit like, oh, that's going to sound preachy. But once I find the fun in it, then it's great. You peel it back.

Yeah, yeah, peel it back and find my take on it. Because that's what comedy is anyway. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is how I feel about it. Yeah. And you agree or disagree with laughter. But wait, before we dip into that, I still can't get around, like the fact that someone farted

and almost caused a car accident. I had a quick, like, whoa. Did you hear it or just did it creep up on you like the Passover death cloud in the Ten Commandment? That's exactly how it was. It just crept down and kind of. Yeah, just kind of like, you know, and you're like, oh, and you just had like a visceral. Because she's like, and the thing is it's like, you know, statistics. Here's how I got one of these ones that you don't know.

Oh, here we go. I knew there was one. Did you know that women fart way more than men do? Really? Where'd you hear that at the fart place? Yeah. The fart place. We just left the fish place and the bone place. We went over to the fart place.

But women fart a lot. They fart a lot. Really? Yeah, they do. Did you hear it? You just smelled it. No, no, that's the thing you don't hear it. And a lot of times they don't.

So they're stealth farders. Yeah, they're stealth farders. They're just always farting. And they only say anything if it stinks. So when it does. Isn't their claim always that they don't never stink, though? Isn't that what they say? And they normally, that's what I'm trying to tell you is they,

I think that they normally don't. But when they do, that's when they're like, I'm so sorry, I forget. This might be too intimate, but does it? She'll hate me. If we're being on, and you can pass on this question, but does it sort of, if they do that and it stinks, does it make, like, turn you off a little bit?

And I don't mean forever, but maybe in the moment. No, no, no, no. Because you're thinking about it now because, like, you know, you're not in a, you have to get into, once you get into a serious committed relationship, all the veil is on, everything's unveiled. Yeah. So like why you love this person or are attracted to this person. It's always there. If something like that can take it away, you're not really into that person. But I guess so, but that's such a sort of like it, it's, listen, I'm not trying to like make love in the car. I'm not going to pull over and be like,

oh yeah, you farted, girl, come here. No, I'm talking about the other way. Did it freak you out? No, no, no. I don't want to touch her. It stinks. In the first two years of dating someone and they do that, then yeah, you would be like, are you crazy? Yeah. In your mind, you're just thinking like, this chick just farted.

Like, no one would want that. But I don't even think a girl would want that. But I think a guy is more inclined to fart in front of a person that they sort of are just dating first. Like, who should fart first? That's the poll question. I would prefer nobody. I know. But that's not the question.

Yeah. Okay. What is it? Who should fart first? If anybody's going to fart, probably the dude. Exactly. Yeah.

Yeah. I don't know. Like if you're just dating a girl, you've been going out, say, 15 days. Yeah. You went on like two or three dates. Yeah. It's really liking this person.

And then you get to like, you know, it's date whatever. You bring her over. You guys are watching like your favorite reality show that you guys like talking about on your dates. And she just cracks one off on the couch. Oh, I, I can't do it.

You're right for what I'm saying. Like I have couple friends, and I don't know what you and your wife do, but I have a couple friends that talk openly about, oh, yeah, he farts and he pulls the blanket up over me and Dutch ovens me, and we fart all the time and we do this. That's what happens. But I, I don't like it. Yeah.

When you find Mrs. Mrs. Highway. Mrs. Highway. I've never had a girlfriend that maybe they just pick up on that you don't. don't like it, but I've never had a girlfriend my whole life that just blatantly did that in front of me. Really? Like purposely cranked one off or...

Oh, well, how long... What's your longest relationship? Like five, six years? And in year six, she wasn't farting? No, never. That's why it didn't work out because she had to, like, she was tired of leaving the house to go fart. She was tired of going to the backyard.

You know how many women that you've dated then have farted in front of that beautiful view you have? No way. Yeah. you should put a camera out there with a with a microphone and you're just going to be like these women are out here farting I did I did date a girl once that burped a lot and it turned me the hell off like I couldn't tell her because she was like she was so comfortable doing it oh I don't like and I was just like I was like I want a lady I want a beautiful lady I want

a delicate flower I don't want a truck driver yeah if you have like a thing where you're burping all the time yeah that you open with that You know what I mean? That should be in the reveal about yourself. Like, hey, I have kids. I'm super religious. I have a burping thing. You can't just be burping and not say anything.

I agree with you on that, though. Was there anything with your wife that was like a non-starter, but you went, you know what? I love everything else about her. I don't like this. I'm going to go over this and live with that. Like, because you just, you knew she was the one. She's high maintenance. She is?

Yeah. Yeah, but... Aren't they all? Who said that? Is that you? Is that you, Mr. Crinkillip? I could have swore. You said, aren't they all?

But yeah, you know what the thing is? I think there's certain like stereotypical characteristics that we think women have. Yeah. Which is fair. Which is fair. Yeah. Whatever. So she checked a lot of those boxes.

Yeah. Yeah. But you know what? It worked out. You know, you know what? realizes you realize what you like you know how do you mean well because like i i i like that that particular one was when i was like oh i don't know if i like then i was like oh i really like this about her you know oh so you grew into liking yeah she likes to find her things and i'm like

okay i like that about her this inspires me i work harder i make sure she's happy oh cool you'd like that's what happens that you find out what are the things that make that person happy do those things and yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah and i think it has to be reciprocal yeah they need because Have you ever been in like a just a total one-sided relationship? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're just kind of like, what? Yeah. They're no fun.

And then if you can't like communicate that either, then it turns like, I just can't stand when you're trying to communicate with someone and they're not making the effort to try to understand your side. Yeah. Whether your side is right or wrong. Yeah. If you're not even making the effort to understand why I think or feel this way, I'm out. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You have no choice almost. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Have you ever had a girlfriend where because you're together, could be with the wife even, I don't want to get too personal, obviously, but you're in a scenario where they're doing something that maybe they don't see that's detrimental to them. And I'll give you an example.

Oh, I know what you mean, though, but go on. And then you say, you say, honey, I love you. You're my partner. You're not going to like this, but you're doing something that doesn't. doesn't put you in a good light, I want you to be aware of it so that other people aren't going, well, did you see what they're saying? And you tell them out of love and respect, and they take it as an attack.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they go, well, you don't love me. Why would you say that? And then they hold it against you. Oh, well, dude. I mean, that's somebody. That right there is an example of like, you know, like, that's just terrible communication. Like when you're like.

But if you communicate it so clearly and they take it the wrong way or are you doing a bad job communicate. Yeah, yeah, because you're not, listen, people think they're being clear about what they're saying. Right, okay. But they're not, you're not, you're not clear about how people are receiving. Right. You know, like I gave an example. I was talking about somebody the other night just saying like, you know, like sometimes

you think you understand a situation, but like if we're in this room right now and they're in the room's on fire and you're telling me, you know, and the only way out was like a little vent. Yeah. That we had to, and it's like a 25 foot crawl space that we have to get through. And we're sitting here in the rooms of fire, and you're explaining to me how we've got to get out of here. Let's go. And I won't do it.

And I'm, but you don't know that I'm claustrophobic. Right, right, right. I see. You know, and if I'm claustrophobic, that is more frightening than this fire. Right. Okay. But on your side of it, you're like, this is dumb. Yeah.

We got to go. I'm helping you. I'm trying to help you. But not understanding the other person's thing. And that's what happens in a relationship. So even at first when you're dating, like, insecurity is the huge. The first thing. Insecurity, getting past insecurity is a lot.

So once you can get past that, then you're having totally different conversations. You know, you can make jokes about things and stuff. Like, at first, when you're dating, you know, you might make a joke. You might see a girl and say, make a comment. And then your lady's like, oh, my God, I can't believe, you know, they're taking offense to it because of their thing about. But once you get past that, then you guys can both make jokes. Yeah, that's true. You know what I mean?

Yeah. if hopefully you can get past it some people can that's when you when you can it's great you know like if i say to about like now i can say like i'm like i'm like i'm like i'm like where you going if i'm going a trip you know if in the early stages of our relationship i would say well i'm going to go see my other family you know she might be like that's not funny you shouldn't be you know but now she's like well say hi you know yeah yeah yeah right right you know that's like getting past insecurities in a relationship i think it's like the first step to great communication yeah you know because you're getting past your stuff yeah

that's true you know what I mean so my scenario was I was dating this girl beautiful girl of course you shallow go on and she she was shallow that's where I met her in the shallow end at the YMCA um but she like beautiful girl but when she ate unbeknownst to her she sort of like like like shoveled it in like just kind of like like a big eater like just kind of like like she had an inner fat girl like no etiquette you know what I mean there was no daintiness to her eating and it didn't match the visual. And instead of just kind of like, oh, you know, eating, even normally, it was like excessive, like kind of piling.

This is a tough one, man. Right. So I, I, I, we'd been very close. We were in a serious relationship. And I said, you know, I'd been in a few places where we were out and I had a couple of people come to me and go, God, you know, you're, blah, blah, blah. It's just a, hey, cookie monster. Yeah, that's what it was.

Yeah, it was cookie. And so I thought, gosh, you know, she, you know, she's out at professional dinner, she's at lunches, she's with clients, she's whatever, you know, they're seeing what everyone else is seeing. And because I cared about her and loved her, I said, I got to say something so that she's aware of it. And so I very delicately said, hey, don't take this as an attack. I just want you to know it's a thing that's been observed and I see it. I just thought you should be aware of it. It's something you can work on. And man, did it backfire. She just went, you're attacking me, like blew up. Like it actually

affected our relationship. I don't know. I don't know if anyone, you know, it's a tough lover. They say you got it. If you really care about someone, you tell them the stuff that nobody else will tell them. And so I don't think she had heard it. But here's the thing, though, did it bother you? It bothered me a bit because I, because I cared about her and I knew it was affecting her. I know, but did it bother you? A little bit, like just aesthetically. Yeah. Yeah. It was like, again, visually, it wasn't just because she was beautiful. But anyway, even a little kid, like, I don't want to see a kid like, like it was very animalistic. Yeah, well, I mean, that's one of those. That's one of those ones. That's a tough one, man.

Yeah. That's a tough one because it's like, you know, I think it's, I think just matter of fact, you just being like, you know, I hate you, I think, just so you know, this comes across,

it's coming across to making people a little weird. Yeah. And if you're okay with that, good. Yeah. You know, but just know that that's, yeah, that's kind of what I tried to do in form,

but it just like, so. I get it, dude. Yeah. Sometimes it's just like, I remember when my wife, like, we were, like, out in public, I'm a boisterous person, you know? Yeah. So, like, you know, we're out at, we were, like, in line at, like, a, you know, waiting in line to buy something or whatever it is like that.

Yeah. At the fish place. At the fish place, right? And we were looking for the largest, can I? You have any whale shark back there? So, but can you say that again? My inner ear. Whale sharks have the largest eel of any fish.

Of our largest ear anyways. And so, like, the music was on. And then I was, like, making a spectacle of myself. I was just kind of dancing around. you know and my wife at first was like you know like she was a little embarrassed like what are you doing and i was like what i grabbed her hands and i was like who cares let's happen you know you know and i saw the look on her face she kind of was like she was like oh okay yeah like who does care you know oh good so she you want her over yeah yeah yeah that's great that's what you want yeah because

because here's the thing too in that situation it would in this situation it would be like if she was just like hey i don't you know i don't you know i don't i don't like that yeah you know you're you know I don't, but she just was kind of like, all right, you know. So in that situation, I think that this girl wanted you to be like, you know, hey, babe, I, hey, eat how you want to eat. Yeah. Love you. I'm just letting you know that other people might feel a certain way.

So if you're at dinner and a business thing, yeah, it might be coming across a certain way. If you're okay with that, babe, I love you. Yeah, I think I tried to convey that. No, you didn't, no, you didn't. I didn't. I didn't. I didn't. I know you did.

I blew it. He blew it, because it bothered you. It bothered you, and it was on your face. And you used, and you used the other things to tell her when it should have been something that, you know. Oh, I see. Yeah. The moment it was happening, I feel like you should have been like, whoa. Like, did you take her out on a date?

Was she doing this on your first date? Yeah, it probably happened, but I was blind to it, you know. Yeah. See? Whose fault is that? So that's why she would be upset. She'd be sitting here being like, I've been eating. you're just your head is on the table with a pool of blood and I have to hit the button yeah

so one of those weird podcasts just ended weird podcast ending ever yeah yeah so I just kind of feel like that that's that that's that's good I thought you know you you kind of made me realize something I appreciate that that that analysis it's probably pretty accurate so thank you I mean you have because you've already expressed you have strong feelings about things. Yeah. You want things to be a certain way. So what I'm saying to you is like you being that way, I think that that has to come out

early. Yeah. You know, you can't go to dinner with her for fucking six months. Yeah. And then all of a sudden you're like, hey, you know, you eat like a fucking animal. Because I say that on the first day. Because up to that point, I'm saying up to that point, she thought you were accepted her.

Yeah, everything was fine. Everything was fine. And all of a sudden it's not fine. I mean, I think I did accept. it, but I think you should call her and apologize. Damn it. That'd be great for the podcast, too. I wish you were like, hey, Samantha.

Hello, Mom. Yeah. Knock it off, horsey. You know what I mean? So I think it's just one of those things. Yeah, yeah, that has definitely validity to that, yeah. And you know what, too, though? These aren't like, like, terrible things.

No. Sometimes it's just something that, like, you know, it's just something you don't like. Yeah. They're quirky things. They're per personal taste. quirks. Yeah.

Yeah. But what I'm saying is like, if you, the thing you did wrong was you had this quirk and let it go too long. Yeah. I think what might have happened to is it was like I was living with it. I was aware of it. And I was like, eh, yeah, I don't like it. But it's okay. I love her.

I'm fine. Like farting. I think it was, yeah, but I think it was when other people started chiming in. Yeah, but you might have approached it in a way that was like. Yeah, I could have done it wrong. Yeah. Because sometimes the message is lost in the delivery. Yeah.

That's true. like this whole podcast. Hey, everybody, how would you like your very own personal video message from me, yours truly? It's your birthday, it's your anniversary, it's your graduation, or you just want me to make you laugh. You get to pick the topic, you want me to discuss, give me some talking points, and off we go. You can get it for yourself or get it for a friend.

It's super easy and fun. Just go to the cameo app on your phone, or to Cameo.com and I record a custom video made just for you or your loved one, your very own personalized Harland. Well, good advice, buddy. We're down to our final segment. You know this one, words from a wooden shoe. Oh, that's right.

Where was this the one again? You pick out a word and see if you have a story from your journey or somewhere along your travels. It could be yours. It could be someone you met. Banana. Okay. I used to have a joke

So I had this joke about like, you know, people When people say I did it on my special American warrior So when people say they have like America is the most racist place, right? When people say that I always think they've never traveled Like I know for like anybody that says The United States is the most racist thing

They've never traveled anywhere Okay, yeah, yeah Because in Europe they throw bananas at black players today. Black players? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And like soccer? Yeah, soccer.

They're still doing that. What? Yeah, they're still doing that. It happens today. You know, and I, my joke would be like, my joke was, you know, if one banana would hit LeBron James, this whole place would go bananas. Yeah. And then I made the reference banana gate, right?

Yeah. And then I was doing this joke a lot. And then Chappelle comes out with a special, and he uses the words banana gate for something else. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then I remember Adam Egan at the comedy store comes up to me. He goes, yeah, man, you can't do that banana gate anymore because, you know, and I was like, oh, man. But it is what it is. But that's what makes me think of that.

That's my story. Oh, wow. Yeah. And I just took it out. I just didn't do it. I just took that part out of it. Why? Because Chappelle did it?

Yeah, because that's, yeah, dude. Because once somebody like that, a dignitary of the sport, they say something and then you have the similar sentence, all people here, all people hear online is like, oh, you stole that from, you know, and it's like, no, it's just parallel thinking. And it wasn't even in the same reference. Yeah, I wouldn't have dropped it. Nah, I didn't matter to me because it didn't help or hurt the joke for it to be in or out. Right, right. Yeah. And you know what's funny about all of that too, all of that nonsense?

guy like Chappelle, who's such a comedy purist, he would walk up and say, no, man, don't, don't drop anything. You do you. You know, he would never have put that on anyone to alter what they do. But it's funny other people do. Yeah. It's a weird, it's just a weird, you know, sometimes it's just like that. You have like similar stories or like, it's like, whoever gets it to the mass media

first wins. And when you're that big of a star, people that you have your armies behind you that are like, you can't say the word lettuce. that guy has it in his act. Well, here's something more specific, interesting. You use food, for example. Yeah. Like, no one can do hot pocket jokes.

Oh, because of, uh, no, hot pocket jokes are owned by Gaffigan. Gaffigan, yeah, and that's it. Like, you can have a really interesting hot pocket joke. There's nothing that he's ever said. But if you do a hot pocket joke, Gaffigan owns hot pockets. I'm going to do some now just because you said that. Oh, I chant, that's the challenge. I challenge you.

Because again, Gaffigan would never say he owns Hoppa, but everyone else does. So that would be a fun way to start a controversy. That's your challenge. Because he would love it. He knows he doesn't own it. I know, but it's like, that's the sentiment of it. It's like a trademark bit. Yes, yes, yes, yes.

I don't think most comics who hear that are as married to it as the public, but people like to create drama, you know. But he's speaking of comedy, tell the folks where they can see you, Any specials, any podcasts, any stand-up dates? I'm doing the podcast still, Riffin with Griffin and the Golden Hour with the boys. And I will be at San Jose Improv, just one night, July 14th. Nice. And then I'm doing, I have some other dates come, but I haven't got, I've been like, listen, I've been directed.

I just directed another Matt Rife special. Wow, cool. Yeah, so he did a crowd work special that's coming out. I directed that. And so, like, I actually go out and do dates with him, too. So I'm going to be in Atlantic City with him in July. Oh, good. Those things are all sold out and stuff like that.

Yeah, yeah. So, like, you know, my personal dates, I'll have some more coming up soon. Okay. But check me out, Eric Griffin.com. I'm at Eric Griffin on Instagram. And, yeah, this is, you know, listen, dude, it's always a pleasure. Always, dude. We always have to laugh.

Yeah, we always have, and I'm really surprised. You only brought out one, one of what did you do with all of them? Did you just keep one through all the other ones away? Well, I'm glad you asked. It's raining man. Uh, buddy, thank you so much. Ladies and gentlemen, Eric Griffith here on the Harland Highway podcast.

Thank you so much, buddy. Anytime. And until next time, let me have this guy do it. Chicken chalmayne, everybody.